Posts

mother

Mother’s Day Dread: Special Occasions Can Suck When You Are Divorced

mother's day dread small boy blue suit smiling with one rose

 

Let me preface this article with a caveat: what I am writing here applies not only to mothers on Mother’s day, it is applicable to father’s on Father’s day and to both parents for all significant events, holidays, birthdays, etc.

Mother’s Day is approaching quickly. Mothers’ Day hasn’t ever been my favorite day. This isn’t a specific result of my divorce however the divorce made my feelings toward the day more intense. My relationship with my mother is strained so I don’t really enjoy Mother’s Day.

Mother’s Day Dread

Special occasions are one of the many times we should put our children and the example we set for them above all other emotions. I won’t lie, sometimes this is difficult however rising above my selfishness is an example I want to set for my children. One of the things I have done throughout my marriage, separation, and divorce is making sure my children had money to spend on their dad, his parents, and their cousins for special occasions if the kids wanted to do so.

Even when their dad is manic and on the warpath I want my children to learn the right way to treat people. I want them to recognize sometimes we have to respect the position people hold in our lives even if it is difficult to respect them as an individual.

My ex is their dad, he always will be.

So I teach our children to get him Father’s day cards and gifts on special occasions. We celebrate all the special occasions in his life. No gifts or cards are from me, they are all from our children but I want to allow them to express their love and respect to him.   Some years we can afford more than other times; sometimes they give homemade cards and candy because money is tight. They always give him something.

My ex does not reciprocate the feelings I have about respect. This means my special occasions, if our kids want to get something for me, or do something special for me I have to foot the bill. Kind of takes the fun out of it doesn’t it?  So, instead of my children bought me something I normally give them a list of things they can do for me that I would appreciate. Things on the list range from extra chores around the house to encouraging notes, artwork, homemade cards, simple things they are able to do without my knowledge.

You know what?

My kids are awesome!!! Valentine’s day I came home to a dark house, a path lit with candles, romantic music playing, I followed the path through my home (it was lined with cute paper hearts they had cut out), to my bedroom where my youngest son was sitting surrounded by tea light candles (with a rose in his hand), he spread his arms and said: “mom, I will be your valentine”. I cried! My kids are amazing. He was my Valentine’s date. We went to the movies and, had McDonald’s and that was the best Valentine’s day I have had in my life.

The point is a little thoughtfulness goes a long way. Help your children express their love for your ex. My divorce is a high conflict divorce, things between us are not amicable but that doesn’t change how I want my children to treat their dad. Always make sure your children have the freedom and means to express their love and appreciation to your ex no matter how difficult the relationship between the adults may be.

The post Mother’s Day Dread: Special Occasions Can Suck When You Are Divorced appeared first on Divorced Moms.

Read More –>

7 Ways to Honor Single Moms on Mother’s Day

7 Ways to Honor Single Moms on Mother’s Day

Single moms, your courage, bravery, and strength is beautiful. Truly, you amaze me. May others see your brilliance this Sunday and honor you in every way. Happy Mother’s Day.

The post 7 Ways to Honor Single Moms on Mother’s Day appeared first on Divorce Magazine.

Read More –>

mothers have an advantage in custody disputes

Do Mothers Have an Advantage in Custody Disputes?

mothers have an advantage in custody disputes

 

If you are going through a divorce, a primary concern is often your children and your child custody arrangements. It’s difficult for any parent to contemplate not having their children living with them all of the time, but it can be even more difficult for mothers who have a close bond with their children.

If you and your husband cannot come to custody terms that you both can sign off on, the court will need to decide the matter for you. While many people think that mothers have a natural advantage in such disputes, the truth is far more complicated. Understanding the basics related to child custody can help you navigate the process while standing up for your own parental rights.

Legal Custody

Custody is divided into two major concerns that include physical custody (related to with whom the children reside at any given time) and legal custody. It’s important to recognize that in the vast majority of divorces, both parents share legal custody, which refers to a parent’s rights to make important decisions on behalf of their children. These decisions include:

  • Matters related to your children’s health and well-being, such as medical care
  • Matters related to your children’s education
  • Matters related to your children’s religious upbringing

These are fundamental issues that shape your children’s lives, and it’s very likely that you and your divorced spouse will continue to make these important decisions together, although one parent is sometimes given tie-breaking authority.

Physical Custody

Physical custody relates to with whom your children reside primarily and to their visitation schedule with the other parent. While many people believe that mothers have an advantage when it comes to physical custody, this really isn’t an accurate assessment in many cases.

Do Mothers Have an Advantage in Custody Disputes?

The Court’s Stance

If you and your divorcing spouse cannot come to mutually acceptable terms regarding your children’s custody arrangements, the court will intervene and make a determination of how you will split custody rights.

The court will always favor what is in the best interest of your children, but this is obviously open to interpretation, and it’s important to remember that the court has considerable discretion in the matter. You obviously know your children in a way that the judge never can, and you know what’s best for them.

Courts often favor the status quo when making child custody decisions. In other words, if the mother has been the primary caregiver and she and the children are living in the family home while the case is pending, the judge may be hesitant to upset the balance and may be more inclined to award the mother primary custody.

This is generally more a function of how things are commonly arranged than it is a function of favoring the mother or of the mother having an advantage in the matter.

The Considerations at Hand

In determining child custody arrangements, the court is guided by the children’s best interests, but in the process, it takes a wide range of variables into consideration, including:

  • The emotional connections between each parent and the children
  • Each parent’s ability to provide the children with a loving home and a healthy life
  • Any criminal history
  • Any history of domestic abuse – either physical, emotional, or sexual
  • Any substance abuse issues
  • Any pertinent parental considerations that could affect the decision, such as age or disability
  • The location of each parent’s residence (who lives closer to the children’s school, for example)

None of these issues are gender-specific and, as such, the court’s decision cannot favor the mother. Many mothers, however, are already providing primary custodial care, and courts are not fond of dramatically disrupting children’s lives when they’re already going through the emotional challenge of divorce. After all, divorce is hard on everyone, but children are especially vulnerable.

Your Children’s Voices

Many parents wonder if their children’s preferences will guide – or should guide – the court’s custody decisions. The fact is that many judges will speak to your children privately (especially older children) and will take their preferences into careful consideration, but the decision is simply not up to your children.

The court is making determinations related to your children’s custody exactly because they are children who need custodial care. When your children are adults, they’ll make their own important decisions, but for now, those decisions must be made for them. Your children’s voices, nevertheless, may help guide the court’s ruling.

Reaching a Resolution

If you’re going through a divorce, emotions are inevitably running high. The stress and heartache of divorce leave many couples unable to reach mutually agreeable terms on many important issues. Both of you, however, naturally put your children first, and if you can find a way to hammer out custody arrangements that you can both live with, the court and its considerable discretion won’t need to be involved in the process.

Reaching a compromise with your children’s father can come in many forms. If you aren’t able to work together personally (which isn’t uncommon), your attorneys can attempt to negotiate an arrangement, and you can also address the issue via mediation – with the legal guidance of your respective divorce attorneys.

The post Do Mothers Have an Advantage in Custody Disputes? appeared first on Divorced Moms.

Read More –>