Going through the agony of seeing the narcissist has moved on like you don’t exist can feel like a knife going into your heart.
Seeing the narcissist and new supply can evoke feelings of worthlessness, obsession and jealousy.
Discover why the narcissist is behaving this way and how you can heal for real from this in this Thriver TV episode.
It certainly appears as if he or she has…
Sailed off into the sunset with the new supply. The big bounty – which probably used to be yours –looking all loved up, enjoying all that life has to offer.
The narcissist will tell you that they are happy to see the last of you and that their new life is SO much better.
You, on the other hand, can barely crawl out from underneath your bedclothes, and feel like you have been blown to pieces by a landmine.
Is it true?
Has the narcissist moved on like nothing has happened?
Are they capable of this? And what does it really mean?
The answers that you receive in today’s Thriver TV episode may shock you because they most likely will not be what you expect.
Okay, before we deeply investigate this, thank you everyone who has subscribed to my channel and supported the Thriver Mission. And if you haven’t yet subscribed, please do. And if you like this video, give it a thumbs up!
Deep breath now and let’s plunge in!
The Questions and Devastation On Your Mind
Of course, it is emotionally devastating to believe that someone has moved on from you as if you never existed.
To us, that equals – ‘I wasn’t meaningful to this person’. And that terrible question, which initially threatens the very fabric of our Inner Identity – ‘Did this person even love me?’
As well as all the insidious things that we can think about ourselves regarding ‘not being good enough’ and ‘what does the new supply have that I don’t?’
Okay, if this is you please pause the video and let me know in the comments below what it is that you are feeling.
Yet, truly we are applying all these questions and thinking to the normal human equation of things – which narcissists simply don’t fit into.
Can Narcissists REALLY Move On Like Nothing Happened?
I’m going to drop the bombshell on you immediately … the answer is YES. The narcissist can and does move on like nothing happened.
This is not because you are unlovable or unworthy of love.
I know you might think that, and you always will if you hold other people’s character, actions and behaviours as the barometer of your worth – which naturally we need to address and heal!
The REAL reason being – nothing REAL did happen.
And the reason that nothing real happened, is because the narcissist is not a real person. He or she is a fictitious character; a False Self playing life as a stage play of their life to feed their ego (False Self).
When the play isn’t turning out how the narcissist needs it to – to gain enough narcissistic supply (attention and significance) – the narcissist needs to exit stage right and walk onto another stage as quickly as possible.
Here is another bombshell – you are MEANINGLESS to the narcissist when you are no longer the chosen self-medication fix to feed their ego.
That isn’t an insult and it doesn’t mean that you are meaningless. It’s actually a severe limitation of the narcissistic personality. Them not being real, means others are not real either. Other individuals are merely inanimate objects to the narcissist; extras who have a necessary role in a particular play at a particular time. This was you.
I personally know the total agony of wondering incessantly, ‘Can he REALLY move on so fast as if nothing happened? And ‘Was I that meaningless to him?’
My heart goes out to you with a big cyber hug, if you are going through this. And I want you to understand HOW to get free from the place you are in very quickly and powerfully – by inviting you into a radical way to accept the truth and heal.
I promise you that I am not granting you the truth to shame you, blame you or make you feel worse.
I am telling you this truth to help empower you, set you free and heal you.
I know of people who have waited years for the narcissist to return to them – and have never accepted the discard.
That is a living hell – and you truly can start to heal and access your personal heaven.
Now, let’s continue to peel this back…
When the Narcissist Hoovers You Back In
When we understand the motivation of a narcissist, who uses people as props to feed their ego, this explains the hoovering phenomenon.
Narcissists are famous for circling back to you and telling you that they miss you; that he or she made a mistake, still loves you, wants to work things out, and so on and so forth.
Or they will incite an argument with you, whereby you get upset and hook in and he or she then smooches up to you again.
This will make your head spin: ‘Hang on, you moved on. You were with a new person or at the very least told me you didn’t love me. You wanted to be away from me and now you want to get back with me?’
Many a person has fallen for it. I did too. And it leads to more pain, even worse abuse, and harder discards.
Why does the narcissist do it?
They do it because they feel needy for the ego feed of knowing that you still want them, or perhaps because the new supply is not turning out as well as expected.
The real truth is that narcissists are greedy for ego feeds and are indiscriminate. With ‘tortured love’ there is lots of drama and emotional energy to mine. Many narcissists will have sex with their Exes with zero regard for the new supply.
Isn’t it interesting that you thought you were meaningless and worthless? If we are using the measuring stick of integrity, loyalty and monogamy, this means the new supply is also.
Who does the narcissist really love?
The narcissist’s allegiance is with one entity only – his or her False Self; the relentless Master who requires insatiable feeding of significance. And not only at a current or former partner’s expense –at the narcissist’s too.
Can you imagine the insanity this sort of life creates?
Can you imagine lying and having to triangulate effectively? Sneaking around covering tracks and living with the possibility of being found out and their life exploding at any moment.
Welcome to the narcissist’s ‘normal’ world, which is forever cracking, breaking, burning people out and needing the ‘up and leave and begin again’ effort to survive.
If You Are Not Hoovered Again
I know that initially this can be terrible for you.
You may feel after the narcissist has moved on with someone else like, ‘What is so wrong with me that I am no longer being hoovered?’.
This is what I believe is the absolute truth about narcissists – they deliver to us the THING that hurts the most. This is both because they have identified it and because narcissists in our life provide an incredible opportunity for us to heal our unhealed parts, that they painfully trigger.
My greatest recommendation to you is to take this as a blessing (the silence) and use the opportunity to turn inwards and heal what you are feeling. Then, I promise you, you won’t give two hoots about who the narcissist has run off with.
I promise you also that when you do the inner work – just as I did on the reasons why I was assigning another person as my level of lovability, worth and value, and came home to being a beautiful, full source to myself – the pain and the longing will totally go.
And … after you do the inner work … you will no longer accept any hoover attempts (if they do come) any more than you would nail yourself to the back of a burning door.
I assure you, if you start NARPing you will know exactly what I mean!
Personal Happiness Is Determined By Growth
Anyone can look like their life is AWESOME on social media.
BUT … are they at peace and do they feel whole within?
Are they able to be real, honest and communicate healthily in relationships, in order to create healthy partnerships of mutuality?
These are questions we can investigate when reflecting on the narcissist and also about ourselves.
People who refuse to turn inwards and process and heal their previous relationship pain to completion – meaning healing previously unintegrated and unhealed parts – are stuck in the same cycles, going through the same relationships, just with different faces.
As much as people try to get a person that is going to be different ‘this time’, it doesn’t happen.
Narcissists don’t take time out to reflect. They don’t heal. They don’t learn from their mistakes.
The narcissistic motto is: ’You are my life to provide me with ego attention and significance and let me mine you so that you fulfil all of my needs And when you stop playing that role, I will punish and discard you.’
This is not a relationship.
You NEVER had a REAL relationship with this person.
It’s a dictatorship – no matter what wrapping it appears to be disguised in. Sooner or later any new supply is going to see the mask fall and come face to face with the terrible trauma of what their relationship is really about.
And, of course, they are likely to go through the same journey of denial again and again, as they try to make each relationship that never was, be real.
That is until they realise the same truth that you are FACING now – what this is REALLY about is turning inwards to love and heal yourself back to value, worth and wholeness.
It never is anyone else’s job to grant us that!
The Shift In Perception
When I removed myself from my narcissistic relationship, I lost almost everything I owned. My life went from being financially secure and successful, from before meeting him, to being significantly diminished.
Here he was now living in the home I had bought us, living the high life, and making a ton of money in a business that I had set up for him.
Did I feel cheated, defiled, ripped off and destroyed? Yes, initially, I did.
Was I suffering agoraphobia so badly that I couldn’t even walk out my front door without having a panic attack? Was I so crippled that I could barely function? Yes!
Was the ex-narcissist romancing women, wining, dining, buying new and better cars and having a wow of a time? Yes!
With Quanta Freedom Healing (NARP), I let go of my envy, pain and fears about money and possessions. I let go of the need for bigger and better things in my life. Instead, I focused on finally healing my Inner Being as my highest mission.
I valued my soul above all else.
Then an incredible inner peace and love came, as I released more and more trauma. Everything started to fall into place. Yet I no longer needed it to be so in order for me to be happy and whole; I was JUST Being happy and whole!
Then I understood the truth. The absolute devastation of all the pain of a False Life with a narcissist had forced me to my knees to finally turn inwards and partner with myself.
The rest is history.
I am THRILLED beyond measure that this happened FOR me.
Is this resonating with you? Are you feeling a shift in perception? Can you sense that what I am saying is the truth? Are you already living from the Thriver perspective? Pause this video and let me know in your comments below.
Time To Get the Real Thing
Now, here is the thing for you … it’s healthy for you to not jump straight into another relationship. If you try to, you know it is likely to be a terrible experience.
Why – because your soul knows that the opportunity you really want, more than anything, is to heal, evolve and grow towards the sustainability of fulfilling relationships that ARE real.
The narcissist can’t have real relationships.
False, broken, unfulfilling relationships are what he or she, living excessively from the False Self, is doomed to have. However, YOU can have REAL relationships if you are willing to do the work.
Relationships where you will experience being valued at the level that you value yourself.
Relationships where you will know and connect to people with true characters, kindness and conscience.
But this only becomes possible through growth and healing.
If you don’t do the work to come home to the knowing of your own self-love, worth and fullness within, then you will always seek it from outside of yourself.
I promise you that when you get determined to get off this terrible ride of painful, unsustainable relationships onto REAL and HEALTHY relationship trajectories, you will know that being discarded and ‘not mattering’ were actually powerful gifts to you.
They forced you to get REAL. To REALLY partner with yourself with devotion, love and purpose; to repair the relationship with yourself to become a completely different person going forwards.
You will become a person who is no longer being unconsciously a broken, unhealed child within an adult’s body, trying to find a parent. Rather, you will heal up to become a solid, self-loving adult in your own body, seeking and accepting other whole and healthy adults in partnerships.
And I’d love to get you started on exactly that path – the one away from pain and resentment towards health, love and excitement for what you can create in your life.
So, let’s do this together. Click this link to get started accessing my FREE empowering resources.
And if you want to see more of my videos, please subscribe so that you will be notified as soon as each new one is released. And if you liked this – click like. Also, please share with your communities so that we can help people awaken to these truths.
As always I am greatly looking forward to answering your comments and questions below.
Narcissists always seem to land on their feet, like the proverbial cat. Whilst you are at home still feeling hurt and healing from the break up of your relationship, they are happily posting photos all over social media of how wonderful their life is now.
It’s like a real kick in the stomach!
So why do they move on so quickly?
Well aside from the well-known and accepted reason, which is that they are incapable of love so everything is superficial and therefore your relationship was never “real”, there is actually a lot more to it.
Studies have revealed differences in the brain structure of those with diagnosed Narcissistic Personality Disorder which shed a lot of light on this subject.
- The area of the brain responsible for empathy (the frontal lobe) is much less developed in a narcissist that the rest of the average population. Therefore they are physically less able to understand others feelings and so will struggle to recognise love. We learn how to love from others but if our brains are less capable of performing this function, we won’t learn how to love meaning relationships are much more superficial for narcissists.
- The same area of the brain is also involved in problem solving. So when problems occur in a relationship, the narcissist will not have the necessary skills to stay and communicate and try to resolve the issues. Instead they will move onto a new relationship where there are no problems. Once problems begin to occur, which they inevitably will, the narcissist will once again move on.
- The frontal lobe is also linked to sexual behaviours. According to Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, sex is a basic human need but sexual intimacy is higher up the hierarchy, meaning that when narcissists are in stress or crisis they will go into survival mode and seek only to meet their basic needs – they will cheat. It’s as primal to them as eating when hungry is to the rest of us.
- The cerebral cortex has also been found to be less developed in narcissists and this area is responsible for memory, emotions and behaviour. Therefore the narcissist seems to move on so fast because their emotions are not as deep as ours but also, they don’t form memories in the same way the rest of us do. For most of us it’s the memories which keep us attached to someone and unable to move on. The narcissist doesn’t have this problem. Their brain hasn’t stored those memories in the same way so they can quickly move on without the attachment.
- We know that childhood abuse plays a role in the development of NPD and this can be emotional, physical or sexual. As a child, the narcissist will have developed a coping strategy to deal with the abuse which could include compartmentalising their emotions to reduce the pain. Long term exposure to abuse can therefore lead to new neural pathways being formed which simply bypass emotions completely. It’s protective evolution of the brain. And means that narcissists never feel hurt, pain or love. Therefore they can move on without a care in the world. Literally.
So the next time you see a smiling picture of your narcissist ex with his new supply, know that it’s just a mask. There are no real feelings. They are simply resorting to their survival mode.
And remember, the fact you feel sad is a good thing because it shows you have developed normal brain functioning and for you it was real. Never be ashamed of that.
As a married woman, I lived a comfortable middle-class wife type of life. Life, if not always great, was easy. I took comfort and some pride in the fact that I had a husband by my side. Awful as it is to admit now – I was a ‘smug married’. Being a wife was a balm to my somewhat fragile ego.
I assumed I’d be married forever. I had no reason to think otherwise. Suffice it to say then I was completely blindsided when, during our seventeenth year of marriage, my husband announced that he wanted a divorce. I was paralyzed with grief – grief not just for the loss of him, but for the life I’d so carefully and neatly constructed.
And the funny thing about grief? It has a way of clouding judgment – of telling us things that simply aren’t accurate. In my pain, I somehow convinced myself that every successful woman who had ever lived had been married, and remained married, for the course of their entire lives.
Truth is, being ‘abandoned’ was a massive blow to my ego. And, I eventually realized, taming said ego was key to my healing and moving on from divorce.
Here are 3 things I did to tame my ego and move on after my divorce:
I removed my wedding and engagement rings
This was a BIG deal for me.
I used to take comfort in the fact that I had two rings on my ring finger, and would often find myself gazing appreciatively at them. To me, they were badges of honor. They were a symbol, to all who cared to notice, that I had made it in the world. That I hadn’t been left on the shelf. That somebody had clearly thought that I was good enough to marry.
And when that somebody suddenly decided that he, in fact, didn’t want to be married to me anymore, the idea of losing those badges of honor damn near killed me. I didn’t want to take them off. Yet in my pain and heartache and grief I still somehow instinctively knew that I had to let go. That there was no chance of reconciliation, and therefore no need to keep those rings on.
So reluctantly, I removed them. And for a time I acted a little crazy because of it. On very bad days I would scan the ring fingers of everyone in my immediate vicinity (usually the local shops) to see if like me, they were social rejects, or if they were lucky and whole and perfect enough to be married.
I would then construct ridiculous stories in my head about how happy and normal the marrieds must be, and how desperate and lonely the unmarrieds surely were. If a professional could have seen inside of my head during those moments, I am quite certain I would have been diagnosed with a disorder of some sort.
Eventually, I’m happy to report, I came to my senses and realized that I could not – and would not – be defined by a couple of pieces of jewelry. I accepted it was my EGO that had been telling me otherwise for years.
I eventually came to love the freedom of a bare ring finger. And I eventually moved on.
I reconnected with single friends
Let me be clear here – I never actually stopped being friends with my single counterparts. Over the years I guess I just fell into the routine or habit of hanging out more with other married people. It seemed that I had more in common with the marrieds – married since twenty-two, I actually had very little memory of what it was like to be single. And my ego liked it this way.
Suddenly single, I had no idea what to do with myself. I assumed that I probably just wouldn’t leave the house much. Then a single friend (actually my best friend since high school) suggested a night out with her. During the early part of the night, I was nervous. I just couldn’t shake the loneliness that came with the realization there would be nobody waiting for me at home.
Yet as the night wore on, I could feel myself loosening up. I ordered drinks on my own, I talked, I laughed. I saw couples being cozy with each other – this didn’t kill me. I saw singles mingling – this gave me hope.
Over time, hanging out with a variety of people – single, married, divorced, widowed, whatever – helped me realized that essentially we are ALL single. We are all single souls just doing the best we can with the life that we have been given. I realized that there are plenty (plenty) of unhappy married people on the planet – and PLENTY of insanely happy single people.
I realized that happiness does not come as a result of our marital status – it truly comes from within.
I practiced calling myself a ‘Single Mother’
In my previous life, I very much felt sorry for single mothers. I guess I unknowingly bought into the stigma and assumed that these poor women were more often than not sad, down on their luck, low on money and lonely. The thought that I may one day join their camp seemed incomprehensible to me, a married mother.
Then, just like that, I did join. With the breakdown of my marriage, I was a single mother. Needless to say, I had to work pretty quickly at letting go of my (completely inaccurate) notions about single mums.
As with most mothers, I love my children more than anything – being single changed nothing in this respect. This realization alone helped quell my fears and worries about single parenting. Yes, things got a little harder at home. Some days were a complete struggle – physically, mentally and emotionally. Some nights the loneliness was near debilitating.
But, it is in our struggles that we find our strengths and those early days of being a single mother taught me that I was a LOT stronger than I’d previously given myself credit for. In time, I came to relish my new status as ‘single mother’. Once I let go of both my ego and the stigma, I truly thrived. And now, I can’t imagine life any other way.
The post How Taming My Ego Helped Me Move On After My Divorce appeared first on Divorced Moms.
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