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eaving a narcissist

Leaving a Narcissist? Here’s How

eaving a narcissist

 

Leaving a narcissist isn’t easy. You make up your mind, you’re going to do it this time and then bam, you find yourself vulnerable to his charms and manipulations. Unless he wants you to go, the narcissist isn’t going to allow you to go without a fight.

Both mentally and physically, he will try to remain in your life and this is why you need all the tricks and tips available to prevent him from working his way back into your life.

If you’re trying the leave a relationship or marriage with a narcissistic partner you need the information below.

Leaving a Narcissist? Here’s How

Understanding The Narcissist’s World

A narcissist truly believes that he is the center of the universe; that he comes first and is always right. Narcissists are somewhat emotionally barren and lack the empathy to even consider the impact their actions may have on those around them.

They are often deeply unhappy individuals (regardless of their exterior appearance) and they like nothing more than to project these ill feelings onto others in the hope of driving conflict – the veritable catnip for narcissists.

A narcissist is a master of fakery – he can turn on the charm at the drop of a hat and compound lie upon lie in a bid to get his own way and stroke his own ego. He seeks out a person’s emotional triggers early on and uses them against them once the honeymoon period is over.

A narcissist is a user – he gives very little in the way of genuine warmth to a partner but insists upon a constant stream of it flowing to him. He requires compliments and kind words on a regular basis and will seek to punish a partner if these are not forthcoming.

He sees relationships purely as sources of supply; a supply of attention and love even though he is incapable of returning the latter.

When the partner tries to break away from the narcissist, he doesn’t see them as a loss, per se, but rather their withholding of this supply. He is confronted with a wounded ego and anxiety as to how he will meet his supply requirements. This is one good reason why he is so likely to try and regain the lost relationship – not because he loves or cares for the partner, but because he cannot go without attention and affection.

Understanding The Role A Narcissist Plays In Separation

When you attempt to leave a narcissistic partner, you will face a barrage of mental manipulation, and unless you are able to recognize it for what it is, you will suffer greatly because of it.

A narcissist will attempt to lay all of the blame at your door; he will spin his own versions of past events and seek to convince you of them. He will deceive, trick, and argue in such a way as to not only convince himself that he is right but also make you doubt yourself and the circumstances of your separation.

You must remain mentally strong and maintain your grasp on reality at all times. Don’t let his lies paint a different picture to the one you actually experienced during your relationship.

A narcissist will seek to make you feel guilty and worthless in an attempt to make himself feel better. As hard is can be to resist these attempts, you should try to see through his eyes to understand why he is saying all of these hurtful things. This should help you to reduce their effects on you.

Set Firm, Meaningful Boundaries

When you want to leave a narcissistic partner behind, you will almost certainly find resistance on their part. As I said above, they see your actions as a threat to their ego and an end to the supply you provided them, and they will likely try to worm their way back into your life somehow.

They will turn on their act once again and this may make it appear as if they have truly changed, that they are repentant and that you have shown them the way. None of these things are true; the charm they put on and the pity they try to extract from you are just more mind games to mask what’s real and underneath.

To combat this, you need to set concrete boundaries that prevent the narcissist from being able to play these games in the first place.

You may still be in love with him, which makes it all the more difficult, but by putting some distance between you – even if metaphorically – you will give your mind time to regain clarity and see things as they truly are.

Ideally, you will not take his calls, see him, or have contact with him full stop, but if you feel in some way that you owe it to him (which you shouldn’t), or you have to maintain contact for other reasons (such as children), then do it on your terms. Set the time, place and length of the contact and tell him that it will end at the first sight of belittling behavior, raised voices, or derogatory remarks.

Better yet, if you have to see them for any reason (say you share custody of a child), then try using the Gray Rock Method to interact with them in a way that will reduce the risk of you getting hurt again.

Try To Build A Strong Support System

Escaping the clutches of a narcissist is never easy and there will be times when you feel like giving in and returning to him. This is why it is essential that you find people who can give you the strength you need to overcome the hard times.

Unfortunately, as part of his mind games, the narcissist may well have already contacted mutual friends and family to convince them of your wrongdoing and even if he has not, many people will struggle to identify with the person you describe – remember, he may well have put on the charm around others.

But wherever you find them – and it might be that you have to seek out people who have been in your situation and understand what you are going through – be sure to keep them at hand for the inevitable moments of self-doubt and surrender.

Let them know the boundaries you have set and tell them to call you out should you ever let these boundaries drift or fall down. You may find that you have altercations with your supporters, but let it be known to them in advance that you appreciate all that they are doing for you.

Recognize Your Own Limiting Beliefs

Having a narcissist for a partner can well and truly mess with your head and the result is likely to be a number of limiting beliefs that you have about yourself, them, and your relationship.

For instance, you might believe that:

  • they truly love you
  • your love for them can prevail given time
  • you are to blame for the ending of the relationship
  • they bring you happiness that you will not find elsewhere
  • things can go back to how they were in the beginning
  • they have seen the errors in their ways once and for all
  • you can fix them and that it is your duty to stay and help
  • they feel the same way that you do

Not one of these things is true. They are incapable of love, meaning your love can never prevail. You are not to blame and you can find greater happiness elsewhere. Things can never go back to how they were and stay that way because they have not seen any error in their ways. You cannot fix them and nor is it your responsibility, and they most certainly don’t feel the same way as you.

Practice Self Kindness And Understanding

An essential component of saying goodbye to the narcissist in your life is to be kind to yourself in the process.

During your time together, he will have broken you down repeatedly and left you doubting yourself, your beauty (inner and outer), and your ability to function without him.

Just know that you are deserving of more. You have a strength that has been hidden in the shadows and all you have to do is learn to summon it again.

It will take time; more time than it ever takes to move on from the breakdown of a healthy relationship. You will have to give yourself some leeway and know that hard times are ahead and that they will test your resolve.

But kindness to oneself is a powerful thing; the more you practice it, the more it takes hold within your heart. You should be acting out of kindness towards yourself each and every day until it becomes natural once more.

Rebuild Your Self Image

The narcissist in your relationship will have tried to shatter the image you hold of yourself and remake it as he sees fit for his purpose. So when you leave him behind, what you see in the mirror could be very different from that which you saw before you met him.

A part of your healing will be to rediscover what it means to be you; there will be some additional scars inflicted by your ex-partner, but your inner self will eventually shine again.

The post Leaving a Narcissist? Here’s How appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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Divorce Tip Tuesday: 5 Tips For Co-Parenting With a Narcissist

Divorce Tip Tuesday: 5 Tips For Co-Parenting With a Narcissist

5 Tips for Co-Parenting With a Narcissist

The word “narcissist” gets a lot of use these days. It seems everyone with an irrational ex is divorced from a narcissist. That’s doubtful! So, why did I title this guide, “Co-Parenting with a Narcissist? Because, whether your ex is a narcissist or nothing more than a common, garden variety jerk if he is giving you a hard time co-parenting and causing your children emotional harm, this video is for you.

Co-Parenting With a Narcissist Tips:

1. Don’t Allow Him to push your buttons

That is his number one goal! Don’t allow him to succeed. He wants to cause you to respond to him with anger. He wants you to appear as angry and irrational as he is. If you do, you give him ammunition to use against you in court, with his family and his friends.

He was married to you long enough to know your vulnerabilities and which buttons to push. He is adept at getting you worked up and he knows it. If you allow yourself to overreact to his nonsense you’re giving him exactly what he wants and the last thing you want is to give him any satisfaction. Keep that in mind when you’re trying to cool yourself down and ignore him.

2. Use Reverse Pronouns

Narcissists project, nearly every statement they make is a projection of something they fear. Example: If he says, “You’re a terrible mother who is going to ruin her children’s lives.” What he really means is, “I’m a terrible parent who is going to ruin his children’s lives. If you reverse those pronouns and understand the degree of his projection it will free you up from feeling like you need to defend yourself or concern yourself with what he thinks.

3. Lower your Expectations of Him

He is never going to be a good co-parent, stop hoping he will. What you have now, is what you’re stuck with. There is nothing you can do that will cause him to magically one day become the perfect co-parent so don’t waste your time and energy on hoping he will change.

4. Set Communication Boundaries

Communicate via email only. If you’re able to use a communication software like Our Family Wizard to keep track of and document all email communications with him.

No texting, phone calls or in-person communication about child-related issues. If all child-related issues are discussed via email and a legal issue comes up, you have documented proof to use in court.

5. Grey Rock Him 

What does this mean? NO personal interaction, NONE. If you’re around him, do not acknowledge him. Do not attend school functions together. If you both happen to be in the same place at the same time, ignore him.

Have minimal communication and only via email. Respond to his emails with 2 or 3 words. If he emails and says, “I’m sick and can’t take the children this weekend.” Respond back and simply say, “Understand.”

He no longer exists to you other than some being in the clouds that you converse with as little as possible.

Last but Not Least

Be a good Mom to both your children and him! He is, after all, nothing more than an emotionally stunted child.

The post Divorce Tip Tuesday: 5 Tips For Co-Parenting With a Narcissist appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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Divorce Tip Tuesday: The Aftermath Of Divorce From a Narcissist

Divorce Tip Tuesday: The Aftermath Of Divorce From a Narcissist

The Aftermath Of Divorce From a Narcissist

If you’re divorced from a narcissist you know that the conflict has continued after your divorce was finalized. Divorce doesn’t put an end to the irrational behavior of a narcissist. In fact, divorce ramps it up and causes him to become worse.

And his ramped up narcissistic behavior can have you constantly spinning your wheels, living in a state of increased stress and responding in ways that aren’t healthy for you.

If you don’t learn how to respond to your narcissistic ex’s irrational behavior in a productive way, it can have severe emotional and physical consequences. And, most women don’t know how to respond to and process the constant conflict experienced after divorce from a narcissist.

3 Mistakes Women Make After Divorce From a Narcissist

1. Have Unreasonable Expectations

  • They expect him to be reasonable and rational.
  • They expect him to care about their situation.
  • They expect him to do what is in their children’s best interest.

2. Believe They Can Fix the Problem

Narcissists target empaths, empaths are natural problem solvers and fixers. If you were married to a narcissist you probably spent years trying to fix the problems in the marriage. If you’re divorced from a narcissist, you’ll have the same inherent urge to fix the conflict between the two of you. It is, after all, the way you’re wired. How do “fixers” try to fix the conflict? Below are 2 examples.

  • They justify their position. They believe that if they defend and justify their position on an issue or their needs they will eventually make him understand and “come around.” Nothing could be further from the truth! Trying to get him to understand their point of view on any issue is just added work and stress to an already untenable situation.
  • They roll over and play nice doggy. They believe that if they give respect they will eventually get respect. What they don’t realize is, by playing nice doggy they are showing the narcissistic ex that they are vulnerable…that they need something from him. All this does is open the door for more emotional punches from the narcissist!

3. Fail to Understand the Emotional and Physical Harm Done by His Narcissistic Behavior

Narcissists are conflict generators. In the aftermath of divorce from a narcissist, if a woman doesn’t respond to the narcissist’s behavior in a manner that is healthy for her, she doesn’t have the opportunity to process her emotions and recover before the next onslaught of conflict.

She’ll find herself in a constant state of hypervigilance. She’ll be constantly on guard because she knows he will cause another conflict for her to deal with. She lives her life waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Living in constant state of fear and hypervigilance does both physical and emotional harm to the victim of a narcissist. What she is actually dealing with is trauma on an ongoing basis and, if not relieved can turn into Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

What are the Symptoms of Ongoing Trauma?

Physical

  • Pain disorders
  • Fatigue
  • Somatoform disorders
  • Problems sleeping
  • Menstrual problems
  • Gastrointestinal problems, just to name a few.

Emotional

  • Unhealthy coping strategies. Working too much as a distraction. Using drugs or alcohol to relieve stress.
  • Anxiety and panic attacks.
  • Depression and agitation.
  • Irritability
  • Compulsive/impulsive behaviors

In other words, if a woman isn’t responding to an irrational, narcissistic ex in a healthy manner she’ll end up with far more problems than a bully of an ex.

Below are 4 tips for healthy responses/interactions with a narcissistic ex. 

1. Communicate Via Email Only

No in-person communication, text communication or phone communication! It’s acceptable to nod and say hello if in the presence of the ex but keep all communication about post-divorce issues strictly to email. Doing so gives you written proof should any issues turn into legal problems.

Using email also gives you the opportunity to back away from the computer and not respond immediately. To gather yourself emotionally and your thoughts. Remember, you don’t want to get drawn into conflict, you want to avoid conflict. The best way to do that is keep a rational head and not engage or allow him to push your buttons.

2. Lowered Expectations

If you expect the worst from someone you’re not going to be upset when that is what you receive. Expect NOTHING from a narcissistic ex!

3. Stop Trying to Fix Things

You aren’t MacGyver. You’re not going to be able to fix a problem you aren’t causing no matter how hard you try or how much faith you have in yourself to tackle that task. He is never going to negotiate fairly with you. He is never going to return respect, no matter how much you shower him with. Please, for your own wellbeing, stop believing that if you can only say or do the right thing, he’ll change. He won’t!

4. Check in With Your Emotions

It’s important to stay mindful of your emotional state. If you’re living in a constant state of stress and fear make sure you are doing what needs to be done to take care of yourself emotionally. If you’re feeling overwhelmed you may need something as simple as time away from the kids and stressors, you may need to seek help from a therapist in processing your stress.

When dealing with a narcissist after divorce it’s important that you choose your battles. If you choose wisely you’ll find yourself engaged in very few battles. don’t feed his need to control you via conflict by responding in an unhealthy manner.

For more resources, check out these articles:

The post Divorce Tip Tuesday: The Aftermath Of Divorce From a Narcissist appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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Why You Should Be Glad You Married A Narcissist

Why You Should Be Glad You Married A Narcissist

All of our experiences teach us something. There are lessons to learn from even the darkest moments of our lives. Marrying a narcissist is one of those times that can teach you a bunch of lessons to use for future relationships so you don’t make the same mistakes again.

The post Why You Should Be Glad You Married A Narcissist appeared first on Divorce Magazine.

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3 Ways To Get Any Narcissist To Leave You Alone

3 Ways To Get Any Narcissist To Leave You Alone

 

Many people will tell you that a narcissist will never stop harassing you and this could be your experience too.

It was mine until I discovered three powerful ways to get ANY narcissist to leave me alone.

In this Thriver TV episode I am going to share with you exactly what to do to get a narcissist completely and permanently out of your life.

And if you are co-parenting or this person is a family member I will share how to get them to detach and stay away from you.

 

 

Video Transcript

Today is a very cool day. Because we’re going to talk about three incredibly powerful ways that you can get any narcissist to leave you alone.

Maybe you are not at this stage of wanting a narcissist to leave you alone, but if you are, this episode is totally for you. And even if you aren’t, I hope that by the end of the episode you will be ready to activate these three wonderful tips that I’m sharing with you today.

Okay, so before we get started, I’d like to thank all of you who are so wonderfully supporting the Thriver mission by subscribing to my channel and remind those of you who haven’t to please do. And, if you like this episode make sure you give it a thumbs up.

Okay, so on with this episode!

 

Why Do We Need Narcissists To Leave Us Alone?

The reason we need narcissists to leave us alone is because there is nothing to gain from trying to engage with a narcissist.

You can’t talk sanity into insanity. The more you try to reason with a narcissist, make a deal with them, try to plead with them, or lecture and prescribed to them, in other words grant them any of your energy whatsoever, it just makes matters worse. The only way to regain your sanity, soul, and life and win against a narcissist is to withdraw all of your energy, and focus on your own healing.

That’s when you will get free from this horrible experience and evolve and elevate yourself into your True and New life.

But, what if a narcissist won’t leave you alone? What if he or she seems hellbent on pestering you, continuing to abuse you and just won’t stop doing it?

So many people think and report that a narcissist will never stop doing what they’re doing to them, but I promise you this is not true. There are surefire ways that you can get a narcissist to leave you alone, regardless of ties that you think may bind you for life to him or her, such as sharing children together.

So, let’s check out how to do this.

 

Number #1 – No Contact

No Contact is not just essential to get a narcissist to leave you alone, No Contact is also vital to grant yourself the space to start healing from a narcissist.

No Contact is easier said than done. We all know how difficult it is to stay away from and repel the narcissist’s hoovering attempts and stop the ways that he or she can trigger you into breaking no contact, and all the other sneaky tactics that narcissists use to get your attention and ego feed from you.

This is where number three and number one are deeply interconnected, and I’m going to be explaining more about number three when we get to it. Suffice it to say that when you master how to emotionally manage yourself successfully enough to keep No Contact with a narcissist, then he or she runs out of the fuel to keep abusing you with.

Narcissists need a payoff for their efforts and the prize is always narcissistic supply. If a narcissist knows that he or she affects you, then the narcissist believes that he or she is significant, and that is the exact fuel that keeps the narcissistic cruel, malicious, attention-seeking, punishment cycles continuing.

Please know this: there is no greater insult to a narcissist than when they are no longer gaining any attention, energy or reaction from you.

It’s so important to understand that an energy exchange with a narcissist does not need to be physical and literal. Even if you are checking up on the narcissist, without him or her knowing, there is a psychic phenomenon occurring whereby the narcissist is still receiving your emotional energy through the ethers.

If you still feel emotionally hooked in, affected and traumatised by the narcissist – which is evident if you are still obsessing about him or her, then the narcissist is still getting energetic narcissistic supply from you. This grants the narcissist the fuel that allows him or her to continue violating you.

Again, this is exactly why number three, which we are going to talk about soon, is so vital.

 

Number #2 – Anti Fear

I love anti fear. It’s beyond powerful.

This is the next step up from true No Contact, and number two also requires the self-dedication to step number three.

Anti fear means that you have purposefully eradicated every part of yourself that has been buying into the illusion that the narcissist has power over you and is, on their own, capable of annihilating you, making your life a living hell, or destroying everything that you thought your life could be.

When we go Quantum, and wake up out of the trance, we realise the truth – that the narcissist is a deep soul experience causing us to meet outside of ourselves the fears and insecurities that were all along buried in our subconscious interior.

A startling thing happens when we stop trying to manage the fear by battling the narcissist (which of course breaks rule number one No Contact, literally, emotionally and energetically) and instead turn inwards to manage (which really means eradicate) the fear that we are feeling inside of ourselves.

This creates a massive shift in consciousness. Without our internal trauma, we see things clearly as they are, as the truth of the matter. We become wise; we know that the narcissist is in fact an insecure, powerless individual inciting and using our own fear against us.

We sense a deeper power and presence that rises up within us that applies to all of Life itself.

This is … that there is a benevolent, solid, all-loving force that is positioned to unfold what is right, true and wholesome when we understand how all of life works. If we are being self-partnered then all of Life follows.

By releasing ourselves from our inner traumas and fears, we know how to show up, we stop dimming down, playing safe and handing our power away trying to appease narcissists so that they stop hurting us.

Rather, we rise up and stay true to our values and our boundaries regardless of what somebody else is or isn’t doing. We are no longer scared of other people. We are willing to lose it all to get it all. We understand that living outside of our own personal integrity never ends up going well. And we know that when we align with personal integrity and be what we wish to receive from life that we produce our most powerful and complete results.

The shift is miraculous.

This integrity centred living is so authentic and powerful, the effect it has on a narcissist is as annihilating as shining a bright light onto a vampire. The narcissist as a false self can only operate in the shadows; they can only do what they do when they are using your fear, heartbreak, guilt, and insecurities against you.

When you emerge solid, confident, powerful and unemotionally expressing facts, without any of the previous trauma derailing you emotionally, that is when narcissists come undone.

Here is the fact that you need to know: if a narcissist cannot have the upper hand emotionally and energetically against you, and can no longer emotionally derail you, then they have lost the fight.

Without you acting out of your dishevelment the narcissist becomes painfully aware of their own. This is when it is time for the narcissist to exit the scene, no matter the cost, and take their disordered self into another environment whereby they can extract narcissistic supply and significance again.

Since working to help people become empowered against narcissists, I have been amazed and thrilled to see previously relentless narcissists, submit, capitulate and hand over whatever is necessary to get out of the lives of people who show up powerfully without fear.

Absolutely this happens regularly in this community with property and custody settlements, with the people who work with NARP (Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program).

Narcissists are broken children in adults’ bodies trying to bully and intimidate their way into position; they are no match for someone powerfully embodied in an adult body.

 

Number #3 – Energetic Detox

This is the underpinning to all of it. The most powerful way to get a narcissist out of your life, and to completely leave you alone, is by detoxing him or her out of every vestige of your inner being.

This is because of the absolute Quantum law – so within, so without.

When this person doesn’t exist for you, for real emotionally, this person will not exist for you.

Can you imagine what it will be like when you don’t even think about this person?

Can you imagine what it would be like if somebody brought their name up and you had zero emotional reaction at all and the topic is something you don’t even care about?

Can you imagine bumping into this person and you feel nothing at all and by the time you have crossed the road, your mind is thinking about all the things that you need to get done today?

I can assure you, no matter how enmeshed you feel in the thoughts of the narcissist, and even if this has been going on for years or even decades, that 100% when you do the inner work to detox yourself from a narcissist, you will go completely free.

People ask me in disbelief all the time, ‘How can you not think about the ex-narcissists in your life?’ My answer is this, “I did the inner work. I loaded up, released and replaced every single thing about those people that hurt me, or that I was obsessing about. That’s how. Then nothing about them existed anymore.”

You may think that this is not possible until you start doing this work and discover just how possible it is.

You may think that if you are co-parenting, or that you have a business with the narcissist or that if this is a narcissistic family member that you need to see at functions, that this is impossible.

Yet, regardless of the situation, when you detox this person out of your inner being, you will discover how this person will dissolve out of your experience.

The narcissist detaches, moves away, gets another job, is brought to justice, and stops harassing whilst co-parenting. You name it, it is possible. Life has unlimited ways to start matching your inner being.

So I hope that this Thriver TV episode has explained to you the three most powerful ways that you will get a narcissist to leave you alone.

Less is more – less combating the narcissist and more doing the feeling and empowering work on yourself.

Do you understand?

If you do, write below, “You get less of me, and my inner being gets more!”

Are you ready to be done with this and get a narcissist out of your life? If so, come with me on your incredible journey of self, by clicking this link.

And, if you want more of my episodes please make sure that you subscribe to my YouTube channel so you will be notified as soon as each new one is released.

Please also share this information with your communities, especially those people who are deeply enmeshed and stuck in the trauma with narcissists who won’t leave them alone.

As always, I look forward to connecting with you in your comments and questions below.

Oh and … It’s the first event of my Oz tour tomorrow …  Sydney I can’t wait to see you all – I’m so excited! There is still time for tickets for Melbourne and Brisbane – to which you can get your tickets here: melanietoniaevans.com/oztour

 

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reasons a narcissist ruins the holidays

5 Reasons a Narcissist Ruins the Holidays

reasons a narcissist ruins the holidays

 

If you’re divorced from a narcissist, you know that a narcissist can be a bit glitchy, or more glitchy around the holidays. Why? Because they’re entitled to all the attention. How dare Santa or Jesus or gift giving or their own children take the spotlight off them.

MY ex was the glue that held our family together. Especially during the holidays. He LOVED the holidays because he could string lights on the house, bake cookies with the kids, chop down the tallest tree on the Christmas tree farm and receive all the kudos.

He went out of his way to make our holidays exceptional. It wasn’t about wanting us to have a great holiday, though, it was about him looking good during the holidays. And man, alive could he make himself look loving, caring, empathetic and full of the holiday spirit.

It was all an act that came to a stop once we divorced. Divorce forced him into having to embrace the needs of others. His children and their needs and my needs.

We needed him to follow holiday visitation schedules, behave himself at school holiday pageants and act as if he cared about the feelings of others. That didn’t go over well.

The first Christmas after we divorced, he figured out a way to dodge the “giving” spirit and remain the center of attention. He flew to his parent’s home. A home he hadn’t visited in years or expressed an interest in visiting.

He had a GREAT Christmas. His parents fawned over him, his siblings came from far and wide to spend time with him, he went out with old high school friends and even went to Christmas Eve church services with his Mom so she could show him off.

He had promised the kids he’d call them Christmas day, but the call never came. He was so enthralled in all the attention he was getting that he forgot his kids of Christmas day.

His mother was so thrilled about, “Johnny” putting lights on her house for the first time in decades. Good Lord!

Since that first post-divorce Christmas things haven’t gone well for him. Since he can no longer be the center of attention in a positive way, he works overtime trying to be the center of attention in a negative way.

If he isn’t arguing with me about holiday visitation, he doesn’t show up at all for holiday visitation. If he isn’t making demands of how our kids should accept and embrace his mistress (the woman he left us for) during the holidays, he’s berating them for putting ornaments in the wrong spot on his magnificent Christmas tree.

The Grinch has nothing on my ex during the holidays!

Why does he have such a hard time and work overtime trying to ruin our holiday? See below.

5 Reasons a Narcissist Ruins the Holidays

1. They Lack Empathy:

One of my favorite things about Christmas is watching the faces of my kids as they open their gifts. I also like giving things to people that I know they wouldn’t dare splurge on for themselves. It brings me a great deal of joy to make other people happy.

When you lack the empathy chip, there is no joy in giving or making others happy. It’s not a behavior narcissist attach any significance to. To them, it seems like a monumental waste of time and money and they feel incredibly put out to have to suffer through such an occasion with people they have no investment in.

The disappearing narcissist doesn’t care that it’s the holidays and that they have hurt their children deeply. These thoughts don’t resonate with them.

When an activity is all about someone else, like a birthday, a promotion, or a graduation, a narcissist will find no value in celebrating another’s achievements or joy (unless of course, they could obtain supply through proxy).

Instead, it will activate feelings of jealousy and envy. Because someone else is being put on that proverbial pedestal and getting the attention that should be theirs, a narcissist will find those encounters intolerable and will seek to avoid them at all costs or ruin them for others.

2. Good Attention, Bad Attention, It’s All Good:

If it can’t be all about them, where they and everyone else gets to bask in their glorious essence, then they will get attention another way and that’s by being an ornery cuss.

If they can get you to feel responsible for their moods, so that you are jumping through hoops they set up to keep their foul mood from infecting your holiday, they’ll like that even more. If it’s not all about them in a good way, they’ll make it all about them in a bad way. Either/Or it makes no difference.

3. They Don’t Do Intimacy, Responsibility or Obligation:

Sharing special occasions breeds the kind of intimacy that a narcissist just can’t handle. It creates expectations that a narcissist doesn’t want you or anyone else to have. With those expectations, comes a responsibility to behave as if they care about what’s best for others.

It means getting closer, which they cannot allow. Their anxiety always gets the better of them, so they’d just as well leave their kids hanging, or start a fight with you, so they don’t have to deal with the anxiety they feel over not being center of attention.

This anxiety makes them incredibly unreliable. When it’s upon them, their primary goal is to alleviate it, which usually means shutting people out or making them miserable. Their anxiety paired with their lack of empathy is a holiday recipe for disaster.

4. They’ve Found Alternate Narcissistic Supply:

I’ve had many clients tell me they’ve had solid plans for the holidays with their narcissists and then find themselves stood up, or on the receiving end of a text, canceling at the last minute. The next thing they know, they see pictures on social media of the narcissist spending the holidays with someone else. They’re devastated and asking – “WTH?”

A good rule of thumb is to always remember that new supply always trumps old supply. A new lover trumps their kids and their kid’s (old supply) needs regardless of what time of the year it is.

New supply turns on the narcissist’s laser focus and obsessive attention. There is no way old supply can compete. It doesn’t mean they’re better – it means they’re newer/unconquered.

So, if your kids get that text on Christmas day, after they’ve made plans and are excited about spending the day with their Dad, this is likely what’s happened.

5. Misery is Their Default Setting:

Miserable people create miserable energy and environments everywhere they go. They are dark people, who project their feelings onto other people. Ruining another’s joy is like a trophy for them. It makes them feel important and powerful.

If they believe the holidays are foolish and irrelevant, they don’t care that they mean something to you. Your opinions are usually irrelevant unless of course, you carry the same opinion as they do.

Only seriously disturbed and twisted people ruin events for other people and suck the joy out of life.

Hoping or expecting a narcissist to go against their nature causes suffering. Know what you’re dealing with, understand the behavior and NEVER expect them to play a role in making the holidays a time of joy and giving.

Love your children, make their holiday experience wonderful and don’t let your narcissistic ex and his behavior dim your spirit.

The post 5 Reasons a Narcissist Ruins the Holidays appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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When You Are No Longer A ”Match” For A Narcissist…

When You Are No Longer A ”Match” For A Narcissist…

 

Narcissists can be intensely formidable and it is incredibly normal to want to try to combat them, get them brought to justice and stop the terrible rampage that they may be inflicting on you and others.

If you’ve tried EVERYTHING you can to STOP their behaviour and nothing is working.  I really want you to understand that being a MATCH for a narcissist doesn’t work.

You would have to stoop to their level and SELL your SOUL.

There is a better way. A REAL way to get up and out of narcissistic abuse and even DEFEAT narcissists.

It is this… Becoming NOT a MATCH for them.

Come with me today in this episode and I will explain exactly WHAT that is, HOW to do it and WHY it works.

 

 

Video Transcript

Would you love to no longer be a match for a narcissist?

I promise you that being a match for a narcissist is not what you want to be because this leaves you highly susceptible to them.

There is no matching a narcissist in a traditional sense, meaning being able to have it out with them and win, unless you’re a narcissist yourself. You would have to be as underhanded, pathological and malicious as they are.

There is a much more EFFECTIVE way…

The best way to overcome a narcissist and get free from one is to become NOT a match for them any longer.

In today’s TTV episode, I’m going to explain to you exactly how to achieve that.

But before I do, I’d like to thank everyone who has subscribed to my channel and the Thriver mission, and if you haven’t yet done so, I’d love you to. And if you like this video please remember to give it a thumbs up.

On to today’s episode!

 

The Misconceptions About Being A Match

If you were to take law of attraction literally, you may believe that being a match for a narcissist means that you are like a narcissist – meaning conscienceless, pathological and certainly not a nice person.

This is not what makes you susceptible to narcissists at all.

What does make you susceptible to a narcissist is carrying inside you the identical traumas that match what a narcissist will deliver into your life.

The premise, that our greatest unresolved fears will come to pass, is very true.

Quantum truth is as absolute as gravity. Whatever our emotional composition is, in regard to any topic in our life, equals our belief systems about that topic.

Our belief systems are our subconscious programs that are connected to all of the Field, which means all of life.

This means that whatever we believe deep within our inner identity becomes a reality. It plays out to the letter regardless of what we would really like to experience.

Many of our belief systems were formed preverbally. They were taken on from our ancestors in our DNA and from our childhood before we could choose what we wanted to believe. It’s really useful to understand belief systems as this – when a deep emotional experience occurs, a belief is created to match this experience.

This means that when you were a child having an experience of feeling abandoned, unloved, unworthy or invisible, and it was deeply emotionally impactful for you, then your beliefs were formed as painful in relation to the topic of ‘love’ with crucial people in your life.

Can you see now that if you were to have the painful inner beliefs, ‘the people who love me hurt me, leave me, ignore me, discard me, lie to me, or deem me unlovable and unworthy’ that this would be a perfect match for a narcissist to be the exact deliverer of the evidence of these inner painful beliefs?

To rise above being a match for a narcissist means understanding what being ‘a match’ really means and doing the work on yourself at an inner level so that you aren’t.

 

What and Who You Will Accept Into Your Life

I promise you that what and who you have been accepting into your life represents your inner belief systems on any particular topic.

This is not victim blaming. This is about helping you take your power back to heal the only entity you ever have the power to heal and change, which is yourself.

The problem with the ‘victim blaming’ model, people who believe that any focus on healing ourselves is further abusing us, is that there is no ability to change and heal our own life. If we want to remain a victim (as I once did too) it is impossible to have any centre of influence over other people to change them in order to have a different life experience – thus being victimised and hurt continues.

In my own life and in the thousands of lives that I’ve been deeply involved in with Thriver Recovery over the past 10 years, in every case where people’s lives transformed miraculously from painful interpersonal relationships, to healthy and fulfilling ones, it happened because of this…

They took the radical personal responsibility to change their Inner Being.

I promise you this, when you no longer have the inner belief systems that equal the painful beliefs that have been evident via terrible and horrible interpersonal abuse, you will no longer unconsciously choose and align with or stay with the people who hurt you.

You won’t be chemically attracted to them, and you won’t fall for them feigning to be the saviour of any of your unhealed, susceptible parts, which is exactly what narcissists do.

When a narcissist questions you to try to uncover your insecurities, so as to know how to pretend to fix them, you won’t hand them any. Because you won’t have those parts anymore.

You won’t be needy, reckless or dismiss your Inner Being when it’s sending you warning signs (which it always does) because you are solid, healed up and are self-partnered with your own self-love and self-worth.

I also promise you this, when you are firmly committed to healing and evolving yourself, you understand that you will never accept a level of love that is beneath the level of love that you have for yourself.

I am not saying this to blame or shame you, I’m telling you this to help you take your power back. Because the truth is this – becoming unmatched with narcissists is not some pure fluke, and it’s not something that happens because something in our life has come to save us from them.

It happens because we turn inwards to actualise the greatest mission of our life, which is to heal and evolve ourselves.

 

When We Are Unmatched We Have No Desire To Play Their Game Anymore

You may wonder why you are so triggered by a narcissist. This is because the narcissist is hitting you in the most painful areas of your emotions, which are your painful belief systems.

They are ripping your old, existing wounds open over and over again.

This is what makes the narcissist’s behaviour so painful, personal, and emotionally impactful.

When you have no matching inner beliefs in regards to the narcissist’s antics (which are the attempts to hook you, control you and hurt you to mine your energy, attention, life-force and resources) you truly will be completely emotionally detached from them.

Here is the complete irony – we think that fighting back and trying to get accountability and justice is the answer to becoming unmatched and free from narcissists. But it isn’t. Narcissistic abuse is a deep spiritual, energetic, soul, inner belief system phenomenon. There is nothing logical about this.

Even if you are only just discovering that you’ve been narcissistically abused, the quickest way for you to access and begin true healing is to understand the truth about this…

Narcissistic abuse is a powerful wake up call to turn us inwards to heal ourselves. Narcissists come into our life as the evidence of our already existing traumas that we haven’t healed yet.

Narcissists can do this because we believe that they are the promise of the love, approval, security and survival that we haven’t yet anchored into solidly and emotionally within ourselves.

This is why there is zero release, solution, emancipation and salvation of your soul and life if you continue to stay focused on trying to combat the narcissist.

This is why if you are determined to hang onto your victimisation, you will remain powerless.

Yet, when we turn inwards something incredible happens. The blame and shame that we once had for ourselves turns into the fascination of self-partnering with our Inner Being. We start to understand the truth of exactly why our life has taken the shape that it has, as well as HOW to change it.

We realise that this actually wasn’t even to do with the narcissist and that this person in our life was only a catalyst, to force us to finally turn inwards to be the saviour of ourselves.

Quantum Law, so within so without, means that our life will unfold to the letter in relation to our inner existing belief systems. No one else can reprogram our inner belief systems for us. It’s our requirement, our job and our biggest personal mission, not just for ourselves but for everyone and everything that we touch as well.

 

What Are We Really Breaking Free From?

This is the thing, we have always thought that we were trying to get free of toxic people, but what we are really working to get free of is our own limiting painful inner beliefs and then the freedom happens all by itself.

I really hope that this episode has made a lot of sense to you and inspires you to do the deep inner work to become unmatched from narcissists.

Is it finally ‘enough is enough’ for you?

Do you want to stand up and say ‘It’s time to change me!’?

If so, I want you to write that in the comments below.

And I’d love you to come with me so that I can show you exactly how to achieve this. You can get started by clicking this link.

And if you enjoyed this video and would like to see more, please make sure you subscribe to my channel, and please hit the like button if this resonated with you, and share with your communities and friends so that they too can discover the truth regarding how to heal from abuse for real.

As always, I look forward to answering your comments and questions below.

 

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What Does The Narcissist Really Think About You?

What Does The Narcissist Really Think About You?

 

Have you ever asked yourself, “Does the narc even care about me?” Or “When are they going to contact me?” and “Are they sorry for all the chaos, heartbreak and terror they have caused?”

The REAL question we all want to know is this –  “What does the narcissist REALLY think of me?”

In this Thriver TV episode I’m going to deliver the truth regarding this question.

Remember –  the truth really will set you free.

 

 

Video Transcript

This Thriver TV may be hard for you to hear.

But it is powerful to understand this, and truly it will help you detach, pull away and heal.

It will also stop you going for and trying to get from the narcissist what doesn’t exist.

So, buckle in, and come on the ride with me – where the truth will set you free.

But before we start I want to thank you if you have already supported the Thriver Mission by subscribing to my channel, and if you haven’t yet, please do! Also, if you like this video give it a thumbs up.

Now let’s get going on today’s episode.

 

How Narcissists Think of People

If you don’t already know this – please know that how the narcissist thinks about you is NOT personal – even though it deeply feels as if it is.

A narcissist as a No-Self (not a functioning authentic True Self) does not connect to your humanity. You are not a flesh and blood person to him or her, you are an object; a necessary tool to use to extract and feed off narcissistic supply.

With the narcissist’s empty insecure inner self, he or she needs constant feedback, and the necessary attention to know that he or she exists.

At the start of the relationship you were likely to gush and supply tons of attention, acclaim and praise.

Then, as the relationship deteriorates, when anguished, triggered and abused, you react intensely and emotionally. This grants energy to the narcissist, which supplies them with the feedback, ‘I can affect another SO much, I DO exist, I AM significant!’

This is gold to a narcissist, just as much as gushing over them is.

In fact, it is a compliment to a narcissist to know how much someone is devastated, distraught and even suicidal because of them.

And in any capacity of a relationship with a narcissist, whether it be a family member, work colleague, boss, or friendship etc., the narcissist receives a hit of significance every time you dance around their wounds gingerly, take on their abuse as the dump master and try to appease, bargain, reason with or earn their approval.

ANY attention feeds their False Self.

Because the narcissist’s inner landscape is so drastically unconscious, when you are connected to a narcissist, their inner torment becomes your fault, and as far as he or she is concerned you deserve to be uncomfortable, distressed, paying penance or grovelling.

The narcissist’s catch-cry is, ‘If you pay for how I feel, then I will feel better.’ But it’s a bottomless pit, it never changes and they don’t feel better no matter how much you suffer.

 

How Can They Be Like This?

Please know our mind-set to start recovering from their abuse can’t be this – ‘Why are they like this?’

If you are trying to understand narcissists from a normal human construct, then you will be forever tormented by what they have done to you.

How they think is not normal.

It is not about mutuality, win-win or caring about another soul’s needs and feelings.

It is a complete one-way trip, all about the False Self, without the resources to BE different.

It is what it is.

When we Go Quantum – which is the only way to heal for real from narcissistic abuse – we understand the true nature of things.

This… that ALL relationships come from the integral relationship every person is having with their own Inner Being.

Narcissists HATE their own Inner Being profoundly.

They believe it to be insipid, powerless and ineffectual. This is why they purposefully divorced it, threw it to the side and assigned a False Self – a fictitious character – to take its place.

If this is how they view themselves, how do you think they COULD view you?

People can only engage with another, in the way they engage with their own TRUE Inner Beings.

You, like the narcissist’s Inner Being, don’t exist as a worthwhile or valued entity.

The narcissist is relentless with their own Inner Being – they literally despise its feelings and insecurities. They ignore it, don’t listen to it, refuse to have empathy for it, and will never hold, love or heal it.

It is only a ‘thing’ to be treated with contempt whilst they go after whatever it takes to self-medicate the pain away and try to feel worthy of being alive.

You, identically, are only being used as a tool to get stuff, acclaim and significance. The narcissist despises your real self, and finds it totally irrelevant and a pest yet needs you as ‘the object’ to get things.

It’s no different to how they really feel about themselves.

 

What Do You Really THINK of YOU?

This is where we start to turn this whole thing around – from the most horrible breakdown process of our ENTIRE life, to the profound breakthrough our True Self and Life was always waiting for.

It’s about waking up to these incredible truths we were never taught.

  • People do not treat us as we treat them. We accept and connect with their treatment of us at the level that we really feel about and love ourselves.
  • Our own level of love, approval, security and survival as adults, is not another adult’s job to provide for us – this is the relationship we must develop with ourselves. Then we will generate MORE identically healthy relationships.
  • We have the ability to be whole and healthy regardless of whether other specific people have the resources to love us or not.
  • There is an entire world of possible people to establish healthy relationships with, and our existence and survival is never reliant on abusive people getting their act together.

And ultimately…

  • What we develop as truths between us and ourselves is exactly the life that will start generating and laying boundaries of truth for ourselves, and will also determine the life that is no longer appropriate for us and that we refuse to continue engaging in. (That power was within us all along.)

I really want to share with you the profound understandings I had about myself that caused me to be the other half of narcissistic relationships and kept me hanging on whilst being HORRIFIED that he didn’t REALLY love me.

And what I knew I had to change and heal WITHIN myself if I was to have different relationships with people going forward.

I believed at some deep level:

  • I was wrong, bad and defective and didn’t deserve to be treated well.
  • I was forsaken by God because of the above.
  • Life was hard and I was always battling something.
  • If I didn’t do everything perfectly, I would be punished and penalised.
  • No matter how hard I tried I was not good enough to be loved.
  • I was not worth my own tenderness, care, and consideration, and instead self-criticised to force myself to take action with things.
  • My faults (insecurities and fears) were unacceptable, and therefore I needed to disown them, cover them up and pretend they didn’t exist.
  • When things went wrong in my life, it must be someone else’s fault, because after all my faults were always hidden and covered up. (I was totally a victim.)

I am honest about these things because I want to help you wake up, just as I did, and realise that this really isn’t even about the narcissist. And certainly, if you make it about them you are in Wrong Town with no way out of the pain.

Let’s all say this mantra together:

‘I now know how you think about me, it’s exactly the way I have been thinking about myself. And I know that when I heal my false beliefs and trauma that have been inflicted on me by people, by you, and even perhaps long before you, and by the human condition itself, I will no longer have any bond, feelings, and pain connected with you whatsoever.

Instead, I will have my evolution into a whole new relationship paradigm where I will connect, accept and have relationships with people who think about me the way I think and feel about me. As it has always been.’

Can you feel the way home?

Do you REALLY know what it is now?

Can you see the total ‘meant to be’ gift in this?

Do you understand this was always about your glorious soul and life evolution all along?

I want you to open the cells up in your Being and soak this in.

Let your cellular wisdom tell you the truth – it knows.

I want you to Re-member who you really are – that is what your coming home, coming back together is – remembering.

These truths are already coded into you, as the spectacular being that you are, waiting for you to awaken again.

Let me know how this feels in the comments below.

 

What the Narcissist Really Thinks About You Is Totally Unimportant

Do you understand now that we have been granting way too much energy and dependence on the narcissist?

I know it’s normal and excruciatingly painful to go through what has happened to you. But the utter truth is that he or she was a catalyst to help us wake up to the only foundational relationship anyone can ever have.

The one with themselves.

I promise you with all my heart that when you make your inner self-relationship your entire mission as the centrepiece of your life, you will not just get out of the torment and pain, you will come home to the greatest confidence, joy, life force and love that you could ever imagine experiencing.

It is so NOT true that narcissistic abuse leaves you forever diminished.

It is so NOT true that recovery takes decades and is gruelling.

In fact, when you have the process to find the exact false beliefs and traumas that brought this human trauma experience on unconsciously, and heal those, you will emerge evolved and free in ways and in a time frame that you could not even imagine yet.

Join me and I will I show you how this is possible, as well as connect you to the exact solutions to get the true inner work done.

You can do this by clicking this link.

And if you want to see more of my videos, please subscribe so that you will be notified as soon as each new one is released. And if you liked this – click like. Also, please share with your communities so that we can help people awaken to these truths.

As always, I am greatly looking forward to answering your comments and questions below.

 

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Don’t Fall For The Love Bomb! What It Feels Like To Date A Narcissist

Don’t Fall For The Love Bomb! What It Feels Like To Date A Narcissist

 

Narcissists like to love bomb! They like to shower you with gifts, turn on the charm and move things on very quickly.

When it comes to dating a narcissist how do you NOT fall for the love bombing?

How do you know the difference between love-bombing and real healthy attention and consideration?

Find out if there is a way to tell the difference between someone who is genuine, attentive and generous and a wolf in sheep’s clothing in this episode.

 

 

Video Transcript

What does it feel like to date a narcissist?

Heady. Exciting. Intoxicating.

(Before being healed up of course…)

How does all your sensibility go out of the window?

Why does it feel like you are on The Love Train Express, on a one way track, even though you sense there is something terribly dangerous about this?

Don’t real people show up as loving, genuine, trustworthy and caring as well?

You bet they do, and in today’s Thriver TV Episode I am going to explain to you what dating a narcissist is like, as well as what it is like to date a DECENT, loving and genuine person who is showing up interested in you and attentive towards you.

As well as HOW you can put this to the test!

Okay, before we get started, thank you everyone who has subscribed to my channel and for supporting the Thriver Mission. And if you haven’t yet subscribed, I want to remind you to please do.

And if you like this video, please make sure you hit the like button.

Okay, let this episode begin!

 

The Feelings of Dating A Narcissist – When We Don’t Know!

What goes on with the narcissist and us when love-bombing happens?

The narcissist’s manoeuvre:

I’m going to try to hook up with this person. I’ll ask questions. I’ll find out what they are looking for and what they feel hurt about in their past. Then I’ll appear to care deeply about them and be everything they have been searching for.

The unsuspecting target’s feelings:

Oh MY GOD! This is the person I’ve been dreaming about, visualising and putting up on my vision board. He/she has arrived!

The narcissist’s manoeuvre:

I know this person is trusting and believes me. Now I’m going to snare this person quickly. I’ll take over their heart and infiltrate their body, soul and life. Heck, I’ll even connect financially with them as soon as they allow me to.

To get them to give me the key to the fortress, I’ll make them think I’m taking my time and have great respect for them. That is if sex and chemistry doesn’t get the better of them.

The unsuspecting target’s feelings:

Oh MY GOD! This person is everything I have ever wanted; I’m so attracted to him/her and he/she is so sweet and considerate. This is it – this is my beloved. There is no point wasting time, I know he/ she is the real deal and would never hurt me. I’m in!

(Mind you, this person’s intuition, their Inner Being, is dinging warning bells. Yet that niggly feeling is pushed aside by the over-enthusiastic reckless neediness to enmesh.)

The narcissist’s manoeuvre:

I’m SO high on new narcissistic supply that I am getting off on this. I know this person thinks we are crazily in love.

The unsuspecting target’s feelings:

Oh MY GOD! I feel so in love and attracted to this person I can’t even see straight.

That, in a nutshell, is a classic narcissistic love bomb. It is no more complicated than that – find out what a person craves and pretend to be it.

This is why narcissists get new supply in the time it takes to boil an egg.

The odd person reports that they didn’t feel head over heels when love-bombed. They didn’t feel the big chemical reaction to the narcissist – yet they still got hooked in because of some neediness within, like: ‘I’ll be on my own if I don’t accept this person’, ‘This person has the contacts, intelligence, wisdom, spirituality, money or lifestyle that I need to be happy, whole and safe’ and the list can go on and on and on.

It’s a hard pill to swallow, especially when we believe it is about ‘love’, that connections with narcissists are a dual interior subconscious game of neediness and supply. The narcissist NEEDS significance and someone else’s energy to survive, and we NEED what is missing in ourselves and our lives to try to feel whole.

Hence, why our connection with a narcissist ends up being as painful as anyone’s relationship is with a drug dependency that is killing them.

We don’t believe there is any other option than the narcissist, who originally appeared as our saviour to ourselves – until we realise that our entire lesson with narcissists is to let go, detach, turn inwards, heal and become a FULL source to self.

The narcissist who will never become a source to self believes that people are just objects and that they are dispensable sources, when necessary, that can be mined from virtually anywhere.

It’s true there are many unhealed people who feel empty about something on the inside.

 

Dating Fearlessly

Please hear me when I say to you – it is SO not true, that it will never be safe for you to date because narcissists are everywhere.

Yes, narcissists are everywhere – that is totally true, and so are great people who you can have healthy, fulfilling relationships with.

Your future relationships are never about what other people are or aren’t doing (oh gosh I promise you this).

Rather, they are about WHO you are BEING.

Beingness is not something you can just logically decide – it’s the work you do inside yourself to heal, so that you can show up, not CARING who other people are, because you know who YOU are, what YOUR values are and how powerfully (and not needily) you can take your time to get to know people and put yourself (and them) to the test.

I really want you to discard the ridiculous romantic notion that love is all about being swept off your feet into an instant relationship.

Fairy-tales, sitcoms, novels, plays, advertising and blockbuster movies have made us believe this – but truly, if you want to be safe, healthy and happy then you need to GROW UP and take your time when dating.

If you do, you have narcissistic repellent working powerfully in your favour from the get-go.

Narcissists HATE to take time; they need narcissistic supply to survive – like yesterday.

If you can get it through to yourself TO TAKE YOUR SWEET TIME to get to know someone, rather than be like my previous self who used to put more thought into buying a pair of shoes than I did into choosing a relationship, then watch on – because we are not going to leave any stone unturned.

Your Criteria to NOT Fall For the Love Bomb

I want you to ask yourself these questions:

  • Is your life whole enough, as a single person, to NOT need a relationship to feel happy and have a fulfilling life?
  • Do you feel like you are established as your own generative source of love, acceptance, survival and security – and no longer feel like an empty, broken child in an adult’s body looking for a partner to be a pseudo parent for you?  (I know that is such a tough question and one I want you to get really honest with yourself about – because it is NO one else’s responsibility to give you your happiness and life – it is yours.)
  • Are you healed beyond the beliefs ‘all the good ones are gone’, ‘I have to accept who turns up because there may not be another’ and ‘if I have a connection of (whatever it is) with someone, I may never experience that with someone else again’?
  • Are you healed and truly over the trauma of your past relationships?
  • Are you very clear on what you will and won’t accept and, so, will not compromise yourself because of neediness and feelings of lack?
  • Are you prepared to ask for what you need and want? And will you, respectfully without resentment, walk away if this person does not meet your values and truth, and accept that you are just not a match for them – regardless of what stage the relationship is at?
  • Have you evolved past the beliefs of ‘going on dates with the wrong people is annoying, terrible, disappointing and a waste of time’?
  • Are you healed beyond capitulating to other people’s demands even if it means you lose this person?
  • Are you able to accept someone discarding you because you didn’t go along with their version of dating (such as having sex too soon), without blaming yourself and wondering what is wrong with you?
  • Do you now accept that what comes up via dating grants you the perfect opportunity to heal beliefs and release even more trauma, show up in truth with healthy boundaries and become an even greater generative force of true, healthy love?

I promise you, I used to be a ‘No’ in all these areas. Today I am a ‘Yes’ because I know not just healthy love depends on it – my life literally does.

I worked my BUTT OFF with the inner work to get myself there.

Okay, so I’d love you to be honest and share with the entire community below – how many do you score a ‘yes’ out of these ten questions I just asked you?

I promise you this…until you stop dating trying to find someone to heal you, or deciding that you could never date ever again because you are too broken, and instead heal yourself in your key inner areas to become whole, not only will you date effectively, you will have a total blast doing it – no matter how many narcs you initially come across.

I also promise you that once the Quantum Mechanics of so within so without, get clear so that you are solid within and taking wonderful and powerful care of the sovereignty of your soul – the seas will part, the narcs will all get washed away, and great people will start flowing towards you.

Before then, you will be susceptible to a love-bombing narcissist. If you are starving or dying of thirst, you will eat crap on a stick or drink your own urine if you have to. With a narcissist who was originally wrapped in glamour, you’ll see that when the mask falls you will be left with the chilling truth of who they really are.

The total solution is to heal you, then you will never accept that again, and you won’t put yourself in a position to even start a narcissistic relationship.

When you heal, you will put as much thought, time, diligence and care into a relationship decision as you would any other impactful life decision – even more so – and certainly more thought than purchasing a pair of shoes.

The Difference Between Love-Bombing and Real Healthy Attention and Consideration

I love that I get to live so many experiences for myself AND this community.

Sometimes I feel like a crash-test dummy, in a good way!

‘Love’ has certainly been a journey for me, full of richness and experience, and I am very blessed to have enjoyed being able to have my heart open to receive new relationships even after narcissistic abuse.

EVERY relationship since the two N’s, has been a wonderful step up for me in certain areas.

You may ask what the difference is between decent caring people who are lovely and being love-bombed.

I promise you I KNOW the difference. And the reason I was able to enter a healthier relationship trajectory was because I was DIFFERENT enough to attract and accept this into my life.

My current partner of just over a year is a lovely man. From the day I met him, I felt a familiarity, a soft warm feeling. It was like putting on an old sweater that I adored. It was a feeling like ‘coming home’. It wasn’t the high anxiety, blood pumping ‘thrill’ of hanging out with a narcissist.

(Which for a long time I have been quite repulsed by!)

In the past, leading up to this man, I had been adamant about NOT being with men that were at all love-bomby! Because I knew how narcissistic that can be. I have to laugh about how the Universe says, ‘your wish is my command’ as I had been experiencing ungenerous relationships.

Meaning they were NOT romantic or caring, even though I was clear (previous love-bombing or not) with what I wanted, ‘I want romance. I want to feel like a revered woman. I want to MATTER!’

From day one I received flowers every time my partner picked me up on a date. He would send me beautiful thoughtful messages, including poetry. I was being beautifully romanced.

I still am to this day.

And I was totally allowing things to unfold whilst sizing him up, as well as evaluating how I was Being in this.

A dear girlfriend asked me ‘How do you know this isn’t love-bombing?’ My answer was ‘Because if I am busy and can’t get to his text, he waits respectfully until I do. And if I have other plans, and can’t meet up, he is totally understanding with this’.

This man was NOT needy, pushy, demanding or sulky. He was being a real romantic steadfast man. He respected my space and never encroached on it.

He didn’t play ridiculous ‘let’s throw caution to the wind in the name of passion’ games.

And, I was not giving up my life to completely fall into his arms. As it turned out, he didn’t want that either. We took our time through a friendship and courting process to get to know each other, as two whole people seeking another whole partner, to share a life with, rather than to self-medicate with or take away our emptiness and loneliness.

We remained platonically dating for three months before the relationship deepened.

In those three months, I watched and waited, as did he.

The other values I was very clear about included consideration for people, and one’s word being backed by real action, or taking responsibility if not possible (such as when stuff happens).

He has integrity. He is a really good person at his core.

I was clear on what character and kindness looked like and I was totally prepared to say ‘Okay, if he isn’t it, this has been a beautiful exercise in developing a relationship for both of us, and the next man will be even better.’

I truly believed that with all of my heart.

I still do, and if for whatever reason we decide our journey together wasn’t compatible with what we wanted any more, then that would all be totally okay too.

Right now, it is wonderful.

The Only Relationship That Creates All Others

I know there is a lot going on in this episode, and I hope that it can truly and deeply help you.

You know I am always banging on about the inner work, and that is because I know without it, after narcissistic abuse, just how hard it is to heal our fractured relationship with ourselves and life, let alone be powerful, solid and wise enough to engage in healthy relationships with a non-narcissistic intimate other.

What I love about truly cleaning up the relationship that we have with ourselves and feeling whole and satisfied in our own body and in life, is that we are no longer dependent and needy in relationships.

That is when we are TOTALLY free enough to choose and engage in ones that ARE healthy.

I can’t tell you what a relief it is to get there, and I know it will be for you too.

If it’s time for you to put an end to the narcissistic madness and fear, please click this link to start your trek on your true love path today.

And if you want to see more of my videos, please subscribe so that you will be notified as soon as each new one is released.  And if you liked this – click like. Also, please share with your communities so that we can help people awaken to these truths.

As always, I am greatly looking forward to answering your comments and questions below.

 

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How To Spot A Female Narcissist Before It’s Too Late

How To Spot A Female Narcissist Before It’s Too Late

 

Typically, narcissistic women will set out to snare new supply – by using their appearance and overt sexuality.

The narcissistic woman is deeply insecure and empty on the inside, and more interested in maintaining her looks and what she can get from people, than their feelings or needs.

She can be caring and cunning too – being everything you want her to be.

Discover more differences AND the similarities between female and male narcissists in this Thriver’s TV episode.

 

 

Video Transcript

This Thriver TV Episode is one you men want and may really need to understand – because many a narcissistic woman has been able to dupe a decent, generous, caring man, emptying him out of his emotions, resources and sanity.

But this episode is also applicable to gay women and both genders regarding both friendships and business matters.

Absolutely, female narcissists exist. Narcissism is not gender specific, and this is what Today’s Thriver TV episode is all about. So stick around to find out how to spot a female narcissist, as well as how to protect yourself from one.

Okay, before we dive in, thank you for supporting the Thriver Mission by subscribing to my channel, and if you haven’t yet, I’d love you to – and also please hit the like button if you enjoy this video!

Now let’s get started…

One For The Guys?

I know that some men think I only talk about male narcissists in my videos and blogs. Please know this is SO not true. Narcissism is narcissism and the behaviours are scarily similar between every narcissist, regardless of sex and who they are in your life!

Also, I want you to understand that the way to heal, for real, from any narcissist is identical.

This applies regardless of your gender, who the narcissist was in your life, and even how the abuse happened. In our wonderful Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program (NARP) Community, there are many men (straight and gay) healing from the devastation of narcissistic relationships – including of course with women!

So even though this TTV Episode may seem like it is one for the guys, it is for all of us, just as every publication I do is NOT gender specific.

Now let’s get down to it.

The Same Behaviour of Narcissistic Women and Men

The following is CRUCIAL to understand…

There are very few differences between the characteristics of narcissistic men and women, because when a person is operating from a False-Self interior they behave in almost identical ways.

And … I totally don’t want this TTV to be about demonising women, just like I am not in the business of demonising men. We need to understand that certain character traits are necessary to define a narcissistic person of any gender.

Just because a woman cares about her appearance does not automatically define her as a narcissist – just like a man who cares greatly about his professional image and financial success, as many women do too, is not automatically a narcissist either.

Now let’s look at the behaviours of narcissistic women that are IDENTICAL to those of men – including the one definitive distinguishing characteristic of a terminally narcissistic person – ‘I will NOT take the responsibility to meet and heal my wounds, and work on myself in order to change my behaviour and life.’

Both female and male narcissists, seeking people to mine attention, acclaim, sex, power, contacts, resources and the like, do these identical things:

  •  Size up their targets and know how to appeal to exactly what THAT person wants to hear and receive.
  • Fact finds a person’s weak spots (their insecurities).Offer support, validation, and care, which this person feels they don’t receive from others, and then turn the tables and start attacking these weak spots with criticism, nasty action and abandonment tactics.
  • Pretend to be supportive of the people, passions and things in your life, and then start discrediting and sabotaging them.
  • Need constant ‘ego-feeding’ with stuff, attention, significance and their version of respect and acclaim.
  • Punish mercilessly when the False Self is not fed adequately.
  • Do the push-pull game: ‘I reel you in and then I cast you out.’
  • Can take out masterful smear campaigns against you.
  • Are controlling, possessive and insecure, and react in rageful ways that mature adults simply don’t.
  • Can strip you bare emotionally, mentally and financially.
  • Commonly position the children against you and attempt child alienation.
  • Project blame and argue with you in circular ways that leave your head spinning.
  • Refuse to be durably accountable. Apologies take far too long if they do come, and then don’t hold weight or last. The narcissist continues to re-offend.
  • Harbour and keep bringing things up to punish you with – despite saying they were resolved in the past.
  • Play tit for tat – delivering punishments that do not fit the supposed crime (except in their own heads).
  • Make you feel you’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t. This person can never be appeased.
  • Toss you into the gutter without a second glance, when they cannot get what they want anymore or you have been emptied out.

Awful, isn’t it?

I promise you, in the ten plus years I’ve helped people from all over the world achieve Thriver Recovery, these things happen to EVERYONE at the hands of a narcissist – no matter the gender or the sexual orientation.

So, if you truly think that ONLY women do this, or you think the same about men, think AGAIN!

Okay, now let’s get down to the DIFFERENCES.

What Characterizes A Female Narcissist?

The things that I am talking about now are the typical narcissistic female characteristics. Mind you, not ALL narcissistic women fit this description.

Please note, in some cases I am describing the characteristic with ‘him’ being the recipient. Yet this applies to gay female narcissistic relationships also.

The most obvious difference between a narcissistic woman and a man is the way in which she will snare new supply – by using her appearance and overt sexuality.

In the case of heterosexual relationships, men are very visual and sexually enticed, and narcissistic women know that their attractiveness, being flirtatious and having a willingness to grant him sexual attention is a great asset. Naturally, this can and does also work with gay women.

(The same can be said for male somatic narcissists, gay or straight, who use their physical beauty to snare potential mates.)

Traditionally, the difference between narcissistic men and women is that highly effective narcissistic men will use power, success and resources to capture new supply because they know it works!

In a woman’s DNA, ‘security’ is attractive to her. In a male’s DNA, it is ‘procreation’ with a physically appealing mate.

Now, because a female narcissist is inherently a female, who suffers from security fears, as well as being intensely entitled, her target is likely to be a nice, successful, hardworking guy, who is generous to a fault and wants to be a good provider.

This suits her high-maintenance and very expensive lifestyle – granting her all the right products and accessories to maintain her ego-necessary beauty, as well as grant her the significance that her False-Self craves.

Maybe he doesn’t have a lot of money, but she is after something – connections or some sort of security; maybe even a free, temporary roof over her head, until she is on her feet and can find better supply.

It is very common for narcissistic women to upgrade from one partner to another.

The expression ‘beauty is skin deep’ applies. The narcissistic woman is deeply insecure and empty on the inside, and more interested in maintaining her looks and what she can get from him, than his feelings or needs.

All of this becomes more and more obvious after she has captured him.

Being Everything You Want

Regardless of whether a narcissistic woman appears in your life as a potential romantic partner, business associate or a friend, she will be charming and caring.

She will demonstrate how loyal she is – she appears to be committed and caring; a team member who has your back.

It is SOOO usual for her to go over and above the call of duty to show she cares about YOU as a PERSON.

Like all narcissists, it is an act.

It’s a powerful act.

She knows how to use her feminine wiles to incite people to care about her, as well as how to work out what role people want from her.

Is it someone with the smarts and credentials to help in business?

Is it someone to help look after children or loved ones?

What food do people like to eat?

What help do they want around the house?

What deep and personal thing do you need to talk to someone about and feel supported with?

Who can you call at any time of day to feel that someone genuinely cares about you?

In the case of romance – what are your deepest desires and fantasies?

It’s not surprising that the recipient of a narcissistic woman initially believes they have met the dream friend, business or love partner of their life.

She’s smart, capable, a wonderful asset to have around, and seems to genuinely love and care about you. Everyone in your life loves her as well. She makes certain of it.

However, like all narcissistic façades, the cracks appear – sooner rather than later.

The brittle, easily triggered, possessive, insecure creature emerges. She becomes critical, entitled, selfish and demanding.

Whoever lets this woman into their life starts becoming her emotional punching bag – bit by bit being blamed for her self-torment and anything that goes wrong (which is plenty).

The sad truth is this: a narcissistic woman (like narcissistic men) is a ’professional parasite’; a bottomless pit, who can never be made happy no matter what anyone gives her.

Are There Warning Signs?

This I want you to understand about narcissistic women (as well as ANY other narcissist you come across) – there are NO warning signs!

They show up appearing lovely, wonderful and genuine! But lovely, wonderful and REAL genuine people also turn up like this!

So, how DO you tell the difference?

I’ve said it before, and I will say it again – NO narcissist walks into your life, sticking their hand up announcing that they are a sociopath about to rip your life apart!

You recognizing a narcissist has NOTHING to do with them.

It has EVERYTHING to do with YOU!

I promise…

These are the relevant questions you need to ask yourself. Have you…

 Taken your time to get to know someone – their character and WHO they really are – before letting them into your life, business matters, home, heart, bed and body?

 Asked the difficult questions when things feel off?

 Requested proof and done investigative research on someone’s credentials if you DON’T fully believe them?

 Laid boundaries and said ‘no’ if a request feels uncomfortable to you?

 Kept seeing the people and doing the things that are your life, when a new person comes into your life?

 Got clear about what abuse is and what it isn’t?

 Confronted, stated your truth and stuck to it, even if someone has tried to manipulate you?

 Walked away from someone who is abusive, regardless of what hope you had for them in your life?

 Known your own worth and value, regardless of what someone else has or hasn’t been or done?

I’m going to be straight with you, if you can’t honestly answer these questions as ‘yes’ then you are susceptible to narcissists from both genders.

If you are honest with yourself – you will KNOW exactly why.

If you CAN answer these questions as ‘yes’, then NO narcissist will get past your boundaries. She (or he) will EASILY be flushed out or will disappear before risking something happening.

That is when YOU will have distinguished whether someone is a narcissist or not – BEFORE you get damaged. When you see them unravel in front of you or sneak off back into their shadows because they can’t both hang out with you and stay in the shadows at the same time.

Then you will say, ‘Oops there goes another one!’

If you aren’t in your power in this way, then the ONLY time you will spot a narcissist is when it is too late. They are already under your skin, entrenched in your life and creating havoc – like a terrible parasitical disease.

And you will only find out because their mask fully drops.

Do you understand NOW – REALLY? If so, I want you to pause this video, and let me know by writing, ‘I REALLY get it!’ below.

If you do the inner work, then you won’t care whether someone is a narcissist or not – because you will be a True Self; someone who is impervious to ANY narcissist – regardless of whether they are female, male or an alien!

I promise you I NEVER look out for narcissists. I couldn’t care less who is or isn’t one. No longer do I try to fruitlessly work out the other billions of people on this planet. How stressful, exhausting, traumatising and what a total waste of time that is!

All I have to BE is supremely authentic, truthful and powerful within myself. Man, it’s liberating. It’s awesome! It’s such a relief to just BE myself!

I got there with Inner Work, the REAL way.

The real inner work doesn’t take decades, and it’s not hard, gruelling and awful.

I promise you – that is NOT the truth!

My healing process to achieve personal liberation and power is direct and happens in record time.

Truly, your Inner Being can’t wait to be free of the pain and the crap you once believed!

So, guys and girls come join me to learn more about the true way to be safe, powerful and free from narcissists, by clicking this link.

And if you want to see more of my videos, please subscribe so that you will be notified as soon as each new one is released. And if you liked this – click like. Also, please share with your communities so that we can help people awaken to these truths.

As always, I am greatly looking forward to answering your comments and questions below.

 

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