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Malignant Narcissism: What It Is & 3 Ways to Cope



Malignant Narcissism: What It is & 3 Ways to Cope
www.drcraigmalkin.com/the-book

Malignant narcissism has been a popular subject recently, with the term being tossed about almost as much as the word narcissism itself, *especially* in the political arena www.change.org/p/trump-is-mentally-ill-and-must-be-removed. But few people understand what it really means, its relationship to official mental health diagnoses (ie, the DSM’s narcissistic personality disorder), the true signs of danger, or what steps they can take when they suspect a partner or friend displays such perniciously narcissistic traits.

To clear up some of the massive confusion, in this video, I bust some widespread myths, provide a simple definition of malignant narcissism, and describe three important steps you can take when you see it.

To learn more about recovery and more easily spot even subtle narcissism at the start of a relationship, read my internationally acclaimed book, Rethinking Narcissism. tinyurl.com/j4t7hmh

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**note: Otto Kernberg elaborated on Malignant Narcissism but it’s Eric Fromm who coined the term**

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What’s the single greatest danger of covert narcissism?



What’s the single greatest danger of covert narcissism?
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Calling someone a covert narcissist doesn’t—or at least *shouldn’t*— imply that they’re any sneakier or more manipulative than the average narcissist. It also doesn’t have anything to do with hiding abusive behaviors (another widespread myth). There’s no evidence of any such pattern in clinical research (reports from mental health professionals) or social psychological research (the study of traits and personalities).

The term, *covert narcissism* (aka hypersensitive or vulnerable), was coined to capture the pattern in narcissists who aren’t loud, vain, chest-thumping braggarts but—as their partners discover soon enough—are just as arrogant and argumentative as people with the prouder, more outgoing brand of *extraverted* narcissism (aka overt or grandiose).

The “covert” in covert narcissism refers to the grandiosity inherent to all narcissists. Covert narcissists may be quiet or shy (and often are) but inside—in other words, *covertly*—they still harbor overblown visions of themselves and their future: dreams, for example, of one day being discovered for their remarkable creativity or intelligence or insight. What’s different about covert narcissists is that because they’re introverted, they don’t advertise their inflated egos. They agree with statements like *I feel I’m temperamentally different from most people *and *Even when I’m in a group of friends, I often feel very alone and uneasy*.

Many researchers have complained that covert is a misleading label, and I agree. Narcissists can be open or quiet about their grandiosity and often vacillate between feeling happily inflated and abjectly deflated; covert and overt traits coexist in all narcissists to one degree or another.

For that reason, in* **Rethinking Narcissism,* (www.drcraigmalkin.com/the-book) I introduced the term *introverted narcissist* instead. Covert narcissism is just another way of describing introverted, vulnerable, or hypersensitive narcissists.
To add to the confusion, neither ‘narcissism’ nor ‘narcissist’ are diagnoses or disorders. Narcissism is a trait; narcissists are people who score well above average on measures of that trait. They may or may not be disordered.

The easiest way to understand all narcissism is to think of it as *the drive to feel special*, or stand out from the other 7 billion people on the planet in some way. Narcissists, then, are people so addicted to feeling special that they become more and more willing (the higher they are in the trait) to do whatever it takes to get their “high,” including lie, steal and cheat (just like any severe substance abuser).

This rethink helps explain the variety of narcissists, too.
Since there are many ways to feel special, narcissism comes in a multitude of forms. People can feel special by believing themselves to be the most intelligent or beautiful person in the room (extroverted), the most misunderstood or emotionally sensitive (introverted), or even the most helpful or caring person in the room (a new type, called *communal narcissism*).

The more addicted any narcissist is to feeling special, the more likely they are to become disordered, displaying the core of pathological narcissism, or **Triple E**, as I call it: *exploitation*—doing whatever it takes to feel special, regardless of the cost to those around them; *entitlement*—acting as if the world owes them and should bend to their will; and *empathy impairments*—becoming so fixated on the need to feel special that other people’s feelings cease to matter. At this end of the spectrum, we find narcissistic personality disorder (or NPD).

And herein lies the answer to the question. Built into the definition of NPD is *manipulation *(exploitation). The more severe the disorder, the more likely that exploitative style is to become abusive. That means *anyone* with NPD can become abusive over time. And abuse is dangerous.

Disordered narcissists (those with NPD) can be calculating about hiding their abusive side, whether they’re extraverted, introverted, or communal because *all disordered narcissists *are by definition manipulative. Here’s the followup video where I describe what covert abuse is youtu.be/AqA8o7F0U98

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How to Spot Covert Abusers



The Truth About Covert Narcissism: How to Spot Covert Abusers
www.drcraigmalkin.com/the-book

Many people commented or messaged me with concerns, after my previous video, “What’s the Single Greatest Danger of Covert Narcissism,” www.youtube.com/watch?v=FxcYfSrv_TY that I was suggesting there’s no such thing as covert abuse (where the abuse is carefully hidden, disguised by a clever mask of generosity or caring or sensitivity).

That’s not what I said–or at least, not what I *meant* to say.

Covert abuse is horrifyingly real, and there are clear traits that reliably predict it–namely, the Dark Tetrad:

Sadism–hurting others for pleasure.

Psychopathy–a pattern of remorseless lies and deceit.

Narcissism–an addictive drive to feel special or unique

Machiavellianism–a cold calculating, chess-playing approach to life (and love).

Of all the Dark Tetrad traits, Machiavellianism and Psychopathy appear to be linked most strongly to covert abuse. Which isn’t surprising since both traits are all about careful, cold, predatory behaviors.

Combined with the more recently researched, fourth trait of the Dark Tetrad, Sadism, these three traits blend with narcissism to shape a personality prone to gaslighting and trickery.

It is the Dark Tetrad narcissist, then, who commits covert abuse.

Covert narcissism, best thought of as a trait where someone presents as fragile (sort of…more on that later) on the outside and grandiose on the inside, is no more likely to predict covert abuse than overt narcissism, in which the fragility is hidden and grandiosity is worn like a badge of honor.

To see the most accurate predictors of covert abuse, look for the Dark Tetrad cluster of traits, especially Machiavellianism.

Covert and overt narcissists may or may not possess the other Dark Tetrad traits, which means they may or may not perpetrate covert abuse.

Of course, as you’ve probably learned from my work if you’ve followed it, your greatest protection against any form of abuse is to look for signs your partner is capable of attachment security. Securely attached people don’t perpetrate abuse. Ever.

For more on this topic www.psychologytoday.com/blog/romance-redux/201802/how-spot-covert-abusers

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The Most Powerful Way to Protect Your Kids from Pathological Narcissism



The Most Powerful Way to Protect Your Kids from Pathological Narcissism
www.drcraigmalkin.com/the-book
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So many people write in with questions about how they can protect their children from parents or relatives with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) or other personality disorders.

They’re terrified, with good reason, that even if their ex or other relative isn’t physically abusive, their self-involved behaviors, lying, and manipulation will hurt their children emotionally.The good news is that you have far more power to protect your children than you may realize.

We already know from research what drives pathological narcissism–and we know even more about what protects children emotionally from traumatic experiences we may not be able to prevent–and for many of us, that means mitigating the damage our children may suffer at the hands of a partner we ourselves left precisely because of their abusive or neglectful nature.

In this video I describe:
— the one approach guaranteed to protect your children emotionally no matter what adversity or emotional–and even physical– danger they face
–the type of parenting mostly likely to promote that approach
–the strategy you need to prevent yourself from becoming more narcissistic if you’re the child of a narcissistic parent.

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The Simplest Way To Spot Narcissistic Personality Disorder



The Simplest Way To Spot Narcissistic Personality Disorder
www.drcraigmalkin.com/the-book

People often get confused about what precisely counts as narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). (By the way, it should never be capitalized when you’re using the full name of the diagnosis.)

Here, I explain in simple terms, what the core of all pathological narcissism is, based on decades of research. I also help you understand the difference between narcissism, narcissist, and NPD (they’re not the same concepts), and the problems with looking for a *lack of empathy* as a core feature. *Psychopaths* lack empathy; narcissists, even those with NPD, have empathy * impairments*, which can be confusing for their loved ones who see flashes of empathy. Hence the whole struggle “are they a narcissist (with NPD) or aren’t they. Just because you see moments of empathy doesn’t mean the person you’re with isn’t a pathological narcissist.

Remaining focused on the core of all pathological narcissism, what I call EEE, or Triple E, can help you remain vigilant to the most important signs that narcissism has tipped into the range of disorder and isn’t merely a trait anymore. And that can help you better understand what you’re seeing.

And about Triple E: I’d like to clarify something. In the video, I stumbled a bit (I do these videos extemporaneously, in one take, for efficiency) in describing exploitation. What I meant to say, simply is that exploitation is doing whatever it take to meet our needs, no matter what the cost to others.

You can see how exploitation is such a core part of disordered narcissism. In fact, together exploitation and entitlement (or EE, in the research, which is where I got the inspiration for EEE), account for just about every destructive behavior pathological narcissists demonstrate.

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Are You an Echoist?



Are you An Echoist?
Take the test to find out! www.drcraigmalkin.com/the-narcissism-test
Recently, I’ve been inundated with requests from journalists to discuss “echoism,” a term I introduced in my book, Rethinking Narcissism. Articles on the subject are trending, and a new book, Echoism, even devotes itself to understanding the topic in depth. Echoism support groups, therapists, and workshops are springing up, and demand for information appears to be growing. But what does the word mean? 

I’ve compiled my answers to nine of the most frequently asked questions about echoism. 

1. What is echoism? Echoism is a trait that my colleagues and I have begun measuring, and like all traits, it exists to a greater or lesser degree in everyone. People who score well above average in echoism qualify as echoists, and their defining characteristic is a fear of seeming narcissistic in any way. Of all the people we measured, echoists were the most “warm-hearted,” but they were also afraid of becoming a burden, felt unsettled by attention, especially praise, and agreed with statements like, “When people ask me my preferences, I’m often at a loss.” Where narcissists are addicted to feeling special, echoists are afraid of it. In the myth of Narcissus, Echo, the nymph who eventually falls madly in love with Narcissus, has been cursed to repeat back the last few words she hears. Like their namesake, echoists definitely struggle to have a voice of their own. 

2. Can echoism exist without narcissism? Regardless of how it begins — and there are many childhood causes — echoism, like any trait, persists regardless of whom people spend their time with. Still, echoists are often drawn to narcissists precisely because they’re so afraid of burdening others or seeming “needy” that to have someone who relishes taking up all the room, as narcissists often do, comes as something of a relief; but it’s a high price to pay for a respite from their anxieties. When narcissists become abusive, echoists sometimes blame themselves for their mistreatment (“I expect too much”; “I’m being overly sensitive”; “I shouldn’t have gone back”; etc.). No one deserves to be abused, whether they stay in a relationship or not — abuse is 100 percent the responsibility of the abuser — but echoists can mire themselves in abusive relationships, because they feel responsible for their mistreatment. 

3. Are some people more apt to become extreme echoists? Echoists appear to be born with more emotional sensitivity than most of us — they feel deeply — and when that temperament is exposed to a parent who shames or punishes them for having any needs at all, they’re apt to grow up high in echoism. A client of mine had a narcissistic father who grew enraged whenever people didn’t do exactly what he wanted — a misplaced dish was enough to set him off — and as a result of his lessons (my way or the highway), she wasn’t just afraid to say what she needed or wanted. She didn’t even know what that was. This is typical with extreme echoists — they’re so afraid expressing their needs will cost them love that they lose touch with their own desires. 

continue with article www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/romance-redux/201809/9-things-everyone-should-know-about-echoists

For more on echoism, see:
www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/tech-support/201810/unloved-daughters-why-the-term-echoism-may-help-you-heal
blogs.psychcentral.com/knotted/2018/11/when-youre-not-narcissistic-enough-meet-the-echoist/
tonic.vice.com/en_us/article/mby3pv/echoists-are-basically-the-opposite-of-narcissists?fbclid=IwAR0czRJEb30wRRq-0sXhKWc2u1aMgOgzf5I5CRKEWAXG-oU6PvMRKq8wLM4

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Authoritative Parenting and Narcissism



0:00 Intro
1:07 What are the differences between the 3 styles of parenting?
4:33 What are some examples of authoritative parenting?

Authoritative Parenting and Narcissism

Authoritative parenting helps children develop through a combination of empathy and direction—an approach that sets it apart from the more aimless and coercive forms, permissive and authoritarian. In this video, I discuss the differences between these 3 styles of parenting, provide some real-world examples of how to raise children using firm empathy, and explain how parenting style relate to narcissism.

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Do Narcissists Know They’re Narcissistic?



0:00 Intro
0:30 Do Narcissists Know They’re Narcissistic?
1:07 Results of the Single Item Narcissism Scale (SINS)
2:00 Narcissistic Self-Views (Covert & Overt)
3:21 Meaning for Relationships

Do Narcissists Know They’re Narcissistic?

Are narcissists aware of their behavior traits? In this video, I share some answers about this and provide insight into what you might expect from the different types of narcissism in relationship settings.

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Narcissistic Rage – What Drives it and How to Respond



0:00 Intro
0:32 One Source of Narcissistic Rage
2:03 Second Source of Narcissistic Rage
3:10 How to Respond to Narcissistic Rage

Narcissistic Rage: What Drives it and How to Respond

The topic of narcissistic rage came up in the comments, so I created this video in response. I discuss two of the major sources of narcissistic rage and how you should respond to protect yourself.

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The One Sign of Pathological Narcissism You’ve Never Heard Before



The One Sign of Pathological Narcissism You’ve Never Heard Before
Narcissism seems to be born of neglect and abuse, both of which are notorious for creating an insecure attachment style (for more on attachment, see here www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/romance-redux/201211/five-ways-overcome-feelings-neediness and here www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/romance-redux/201206/are-secure-relationships-the-key-exciting-life).

But the very fact that narcissists, for all their posturing, are deeply insecure, also gives us an easy way to spot them. Insecurely attached people can’t talk coherently about their family and childhood; their early memories are confused, contradictory, and riddled with gaps. Narcissists often give themselves away precisely because their childhood story makes no sense, and the most common myth they carry around is the perfect family story. If your date sings their praises for their exalted family but the reasons for their panegyric seem vague or discursive, look out. The devil is in the details, as they say — and very likely, that’s why you’re not hearing them.

Production notes ;-): I’m living in temporary housing with my family while we get things fixed up after black mold/renovations, and it’s been challenging for lots of reasons to make videos (the fact that quiet moments have become exceedingly rare might top the list). I shot this one a few months ago but struggled to find a surface where I wasn’t looking down at my laptop. There aren’t many convenient well lit places to set up. I wasn’t happy with the angle but I’ve never found time since to reshoot, so here you go. I also experimented with just using Bluetooth mic since, despite the fact that I’ve always used a studio mic (samsung) I get occasional complaints about the audio level. Let’s see if this is better.

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