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8 Signs You Are Suffering From Narcissistic Abuse

8 Signs You Are Suffering From Narcissistic Abuse

 

Many people are not sure whether or not they are suffering from narcissistic abuse. Cognitive dissonance and the confusion that goes with abuse can have a lot to do with this.

Today I want to grant you eight signs to know that you are suffering narcissistic abuse, so that not only can you have clarity, but also you know where to go from here.

If this is your first time dealing with narcissistic abuse, you may not realise that by the time you’re suffering these eight signs things are serious, and if you don’t get clarity and start making decisions to protect yourself it’s going to get much worse.

Those of you who are going through this again, like myself and many others did twice or more, we really need to face up to the facts about what toxic relationships look like and who we need to be to get out of them and stay out of them.

This is exactly what today’s article is all about – the awareness and solutions to empower you up and out of narcissistic abuse. Please know this article is about absolutely any narcissist in your life – all the signs apply to any toxic relationship such as a spouse, lover, family member, neighbour or friend. Anyone.

 

Number 1: Your Relationship Is Not Kind, Caring Or Sane

Now, this is where we need to get really clear. Toxic relationships can be very confusing at times, making it difficult to know ‘who is who in the zoo’. This happens because a toxic person will spin it back on you, blame you and will not be accountable.

I really want to say this about the first of the eight signs that you are suffering from narcissistic abuse: if someone hurts you and is not capable of a genuine apology, and you keep hanging out with this person, they will continue to hurt you. They will never be remorseful and, of course, will continue the same behaviour.

We do need to understand what out-of-bounds behaviour is. It can range all the way from name-calling to physical abuse; to mental abuse and pathological lying; to having no regard for your property or the people you care about … the list goes on and on.

I have included here a link to my article Are You With a Narcissist?  so that you can get very clear about what narcissistic behaviours are.

If you are in a relationship with a person who repeats out-of-bound behaviours that are violating and hurtful, first of all know our Inner Being always registers this! This means you are being abused. If this person makes false or non-existent apologies, has no respect or care for your feelings, blames you for the problems, and even smears you to others telling them you are the bad guy or girl and that it is he or she who is being abused, then this is absolutely narcissistic.

The Truth About This

People either have a decent character or they don’t. We are not going to change who people are – it is us who needs to change for us to have any chance of a healthy, loving and happy life.

That entails letting go of our connection to someone like this, healing ourselves by doing the inner work, and getting very clear about our own self-love, self-worth, boundaries and how to generate real, loving and responsible adult relationships in the future.

A person like this simply does not have the resources to grant us this – but we can.

Now let’s look at the second sign that you are suffering from narcissistic abuse.

 

Number 2: You Are Dealing With Immature Behaviour and Give Up Pieces of Yourself To Comply

A hallmark of narcissistic relationships is this person gets bent out of shape on hair-line triggers that mature adults just don’t get upset about. Also, they believe they are entitled to and expect preferential treatment, and can be nasty, demanding, punishing and even explosive if they don’t receive it.

You discover that there are certain things you just can’t naturally or normally talk about. Likewise, there are things that you would normally be free to do, that may be unacceptable or risky now.

Maybe if this person doesn’t get their own way, they will abandon you or threaten to leave you, and again you start doing things outside of your comfort and value systems to stop this happening.

Often your inner being is screaming ‘no’ when the narcissist asks for something, but you know what could take place if you don’t comply, so you give up your time, resources, and even life, trying to keep this person happy, which ironically doesn’t work and the walking on broken glass doesn’t stop either.

The Truth About This

You are damned if you do and damned if you don’t, and it doesn’t matter how many shapes you twist yourself into, they are still not happy.

You will never make this person happy, and it’s not your job to either. Your true soul mission is to align with the truth of your soul and then you will serve others and life in holistic and healthy ways. By staying with someone like this, not only are you being destroyed but you are also hurting the people who care about you. By staying with them and trying to please them, you are enabling this person to continue being an abuser.

No one wins in the healthy stakes in this dynamic.

Okay, so the third sign that you are suffering from narcissistic abuse is this…

 

Number 3: You Are Angry, Disjointed and Are Behaving In Ways That You Normally Don’t

I believe a good indication that you are being narcissistically abused is seeing the discrepancy with how you feel with this person in relation to your everyday dealings with other people.

If you know that you have integrity, can listen, have empathy, are capable of having sane conversations and get along with most people in your life, and yet there is ‘this’ person who brings out the worst in you – this is generally because your boundaries are being violated and the normal modes of human operations don’t stand.

The circular arguments you are having make your head spin, because they go around and around on unrelated tangents – points that make no sense. Narcissists use these tactics when confronted, or they argue with you to manipulate you into something unwholesome:

Toxic people:

  • make excuses for their behaviour.
  • minimise an incident altogether.
  • accuse someone else of wrongdoing.
  • confuse you with antics or trivia to take you off the subject.
  • use allies, real or fabricated, to back up their argument.
  • use ‘tit for tat’ behaviours relating to something you did in the past.
  • state how disloyal your accusations of them are.
  • discredit your observations, owing to your ‘unstable’ past.

And the list goes on and ON! You feel like your head is spinning and the frustration, pain and trauma is beyond intense.

The Truth About This

Please get VERY clear about this – when you are enmeshed with a sick person, you get sick.

If you are experiencing these type of instances in your relationship, it is time to pull away, get away and heal. You may not realise it, but what you are doing is granting what this person wants – the drama and significance of knowing they can hook you in and affect you so much. It’s called narcissistic supply. You need to cut this off to have any chance of getting your soul and life back.

 

Number 4: You Find Yourself Trying To Prove That You Are A Good Person

Because the narcissist is regularly accusing you of all the things that they are and do, such as lacking integrity and love and care for people, being unfaithful, lying, making it all about yourself, wanting to use people for your own gain, etc., naturally you will be incensed and try extremely hard to prove and convince them otherwise.

You will be shocked at the allegations regarding things that you don’t do and aren’t capable of doing, which, in actual fact, you know are what the narcissist does.

You may have said in total shock and horror to the narcissist, ‘Do you have a mirror?’ or ‘You have no idea who I am’ or ‘If you really think that about me, why are you with me?’

The Truth About This

This is another deadly hook that narcissists can get us enmeshed with them on. If we believe that our integrity, character, wellbeing and safety is dependent on what other people think of us, then we are really susceptible to this narcissistic behaviour.

To truly heal we need to detach from other people who have warped versions of us and then heal inside to get to the solid place of knowing. It’s only our version of ourselves that is vital. And when we are true to our ‘self’, who and what is healthy will follow, and those that don’t we will easily leave alone.

 

Number 5: You Are Mopping Up the Messes

Being connected with a narcissist has lots of drama, rough edges and quite frankly means that disasters are always looming.

Narcissists usually aren’t good with detail, accountability or sensibility. They fly high, seeking narcissistic supply and acclaim with not much thought for ‘doing the right thing’. It’s normal to have all sorts of things pop up as a result of the narcissist’s loose and non-accountable behaviour, which of course is always someone else’s fault.

If your life is connected with one of these people, it is usual that you will be paying their fines, sorting out their messes and dramas, and even lying for them to cover their tracks.

It’s like this analogy – as you are watering their back lawn trying to keep it green, yours gets parched, turns brown and dies.

The Truth About This

This is how narcissists roll, and this is what happens to the sensible, well-meaning, responsible people who narcissists like to recruit into their lives.

Know that when you are emptied out you will be discarded and the narcissist will then find some other good, responsible person to take on the mopping-up task for them.

One of the greatest gifts of our recovery, when we walk away from people like this and do the inner work, is we learn how to be responsible for ourselves and generate lives with people who take responsibility, and we stop enabling people who don’t.

By walking away, healing and re-starting our life with self-responsibility – being left to ‘mop up messes’ won’t happen to us again.

 

Number 6 – Your Boundaries Are Being Disintegrated

In a relationship with a narcissist you will find it difficult to speak up, stand up for yourself or hold boundaries. And when you try to do so, you are criticised, rejected, abandoned or punished.

To try to minimalise the trauma and mayhem that breaks out – you start to give up on trying to assert your needs.

Or maybe, because you have dissolved into so many feelings of powerlessness, helplessness and despair, you find yourself begging or pleading for your boundaries to be respected. Discovering that the narcissist has zero empathy for you and won’t comply, takes you down into an even deeper place of helplessness.

The Truth About This

It’s extremely common for people with poor boundaries to get involved with narcissists. When we get away and start healing and recovering our True Selves, we can become someone who has a healthy boundary function.

Then we know going forward that it isn’t about other people getting our boundaries, rather it is about us knowing our values, limits and truths; and if people can’t respect that, then these people can’t be in our life – no matter who they are.

For most of us this is our most important recovery work – because when we were young we weren’t able to establish and develop our inner truth, values and needs.

 

Number 7: You Feel Addicted, Disjointed and Manic

A perverse addiction happens with narcissists. There are many reasons we get trauma-bonded to them, and I’m sharing these resources on trauma bonding and peptide addiction to help you understand what it is all about.

Trauma Bonding – Is It Love Or Something Else?

The Answer To Narcissistic Abuse That No One Is Talking About  – Peptide Addiction

Suffice to say, before you understand what is going on with you physiologically – meaning within the cells in your literal body, which is hijacking 95% of your feelings, thoughts and your nervous system – you may feel manic and unable to stop trying to contact or hook back up with the narcissist, even when you know how much you continually get hurt by doing so.

We can be horrified with how addicted we are to someone who treats us so terribly. It just doesn’t make logical sense, hence why you really need to look at these resources above that I have provided you with.

I have had ex-heroin addicts tell me that getting off a narcissist is ten times harder than getting off heroin. After going through the horrifying narcissistic addiction myself, which nearly claimed my life, I can see what they mean.

The Truth About This

It is of course very serious when it gets to a stage where we simply can’t talk ourselves out of doing the actions that we know are putting ourselves back into the fire to get burnt again.

Deep inner healing in our subconscious is so necessary to start shifting out the trauma; to be able to be in our inner beings with ourselves, self-soothing, looking after ourselves and no longer handing power away in ways that are dangerous and possibly even tragically self-disintegrating.

 

Number 8: You Are Suffering Abuse Symptoms

Things are now very serious. When our emotional Inner Being has been screaming out for our attention and we haven’t as yet pulled away and turned inwards to heal and tend to our own soul and life-force, then physically we start breaking down for our soul to fully get our attention.

It is likely that anxiety and depression, and even greater issues like fibromyalgia, adrenal issues, PTSD and agoraphobia, start to develop. You lose interest in the activities, people and self-care, which used to grant you energy, as the toxic person in your life takes up more and more of your energy and focus.

As we get stripped away more and more, and keep handing our power, energy and attention away only to become less and less, the shame and pain becomes so great that we may start hiding out from the world, lying to people, covering up and feel even more isolated in our traumatic feelings and symptoms.

The Truth About This

How bad does it have to get before we awaken to the truth?

If we stay things get worse. And if we leave and don’t attend to our inner healing, things get worse.

We may lose a lot by leaving, as many of us have, however, by leaving we can achieve the greatest gain – finally turning inwards to integrate with ourselves so that we are in a position of wholeness and can be in control of our choices and have the power to look after ourselves and create a healthy, happy and truly loving life.

 

In Conclusion

Okay, please know this – there are varying degrees of narcissism and there also are people who can just be clueless and selfish but not necessarily afflicted with Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

If someone in your life does not share your values and doesn’t care for your feelings, then this is not a healthy relationship for you. As soon as we try changing other people, it’s time to pull away and say to ourselves and them, ‘This is who I am and what I need for us to continue.’

The person then either steps up, because they wish to change and meet us there or doesn’t – and if they don’t, we care and love people enough, regardless of who they are, to let them have their version of life for themselves – even if it is not what we want.

But the real question is: Are YOU whole enough to walk away if they don’t or can’t meet you where you are at?

That’s the Thriver development that we all need to do if we are to be whole and safe and powerful regardless of what other people are or aren’t doing.

That’s my favourite personal inner work, and I love to help others get there too – hence why I’m inviting you now to join me in my 16-day free course, which you can access immediately by clicking this link.

Or if you think you are ready to truly ready to heal for real from abuse, I’d love to guide you every step of the way in the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program.

Please share this article with your communities so that we can help people awaken to these truths.

As always I am greatly looking forward to answering your comments and questions below.

 

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7 Signs You Are Going To Recover From Narcissistic Abuse

7 Signs You Are Going To Recover From Narcissistic Abuse

 

Narcissistic abuse recovery can be confusing.

It is not always a straight line!

And … I know you need support and information from people like myself who have been through it, to know WHAT to EXPECT.

That’s why in Today’s Thriver TV Episode I wanted to share with you seven signs to help you know that you ARE on track with recovery.

I also want to help those of you who are not doing Thriver Recovery yet, to get clearer about what REAL recovery looks like and how to start aligning with it.

Wherever you are at – this episode will bring you validation, clarity and much needed answers!

 

 

Video Transcript

I love today’s TTV Episode because I know it will give you hope, and that’s so important because in narcissistic abuse recovery it’s not a straight line, and that can be confusing.

We may come so far and then think we have gone screaming backwards – but in fact we haven’t.

It is my greatest hope today that this episode will demystify recovery for you and help you know what it means to be on track. Also, to powerfully get you on track, I am granting you a NARP Version 3 Goal Setting Statement with each of the seven points.

Okay, before we get started, thank you, everyone, who has subscribed to my channel and for supporting the Thriver Mission. And if you haven’t yet subscribed, I want to remind you to please do. And if you like this video, please make sure you hit the like button.

Okay, let’s dive in.

 

#1 You Come Home To Being In Your Body

Such a big part of abuse symptoms is dissociation. The truth is, if we didn’t have a parent modelling for us how to process our troubled emotions through to calm and safety, our unhealed emotions became trapped trauma within.

As trauma builds, it may be impossible to withstand the painful feelings inside, so as a coping strategy from a young age we may have learned how to ‘check out’ and not ‘be’ in our bodies.

Absolutely as adults when we experience the emotional assaults of narcissistic abuse, that we haven’t processed through to completion and healing yet, the levels of inner trauma are so great that we become dissociative. We may be so checked out that we feel numb and spaced out and possibly can’t even feel our extremities and body parts.

Our life coming back online is about being able to reconnect with and get safe and solid in our bodies. The more we start releasing trauma when we turn inwards to self-partner, the more we can bring in Source to where the trauma once was. We start navigating our life from our truths and values inside us, rather than handing our power away to others.

After being dissociative, if you are doing the essential inner work to release your trauma and heal, you may start ‘feeling’ like yourself again. You will become aware of body parts and emotions and feelings inside of you.

A large part of our essential healing is becoming more able to be with our feelings and name them.  The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program (NARP) helps you do this powerfully – creating a safe way to reconnect inside, release trauma and heal yourself from the inside out.

To get back into our bodies, even though at first it seems highly uncomfortable, means that our life starts to reflect the glory and success of Life and others partnering us, just as we are now doing for ourselves.

And we discover, after a time, just how comforting, empowering and loving it feels, as well as completely natural, to be with ourselves self-partnered in our own body.

The NARP Goal Setting Statement that goes with this is: ‘I return into my body, release my trauma, and nestle into my values and truths.’

 

#2 Having Self-Compassion and Healthy Self-Talk

One of our greatest realisations after narcissistic abuse, is that the outer critical condemning person was often mirroring our own internal critic. How we were never good enough, hadn’t done enough and couldn’t live up to our own conditional standards.

Recovery from narcissistic abuse is a profound journey to realise that self-criticism, self-rejection and self-abandonment is no way to heal, get better and do better. When we start to become conscious of being our own lover and supporter, we start to gather wholeness, courage and capacity to change from the inside out.

This is a huge turnaround from the shame and blame we continually inflicted on ourselves, which contributed to us accepting bad treatment from other people because it mirrored the way we used to treat ourselves.

It is so true – we accept the level of love at the level we love and accept ourselves.

The NARP Goal Setting Statement is: ‘I now support and speak to myself lovingly. It’s my love that my inner being seeks the most.’

 

#3 You Accept and Settle Into the Healing Process

We can carry all sorts of inner beliefs about not being lovable or worthy of love or anything good until we are ‘perfect’. That is a ridiculous and false premise that has been a part of ingrained human conditioning that in no way serves us.

When you start loving and accepting yourself – flaws, wounds and all – you will discover something very powerful: your healing is much easier, because you no longer have conditions on it.

When we have accepted that we are all wounded and imperfectly perfect, and take responsibility for healing our wounds and releasing ourselves into happier, healthier higher trajectories of living – to benefit ourselves and the All – this changes everything about our healing.

Then you can check in with yourself about what to do to love and hold yourself in times of need. You can work with NARP healing Modules and self-care practices, rather than trying to push and force yourself into shape.

By supporting ourselves with unconditional love, and being in the joyous process of eternal evolution, we get to experience the right support, information, miracles and synchronicities as well as unconditional love from others in our life.

We realise the process of evolving ourselves and self-love right now is the key, not the destination of being ‘healed’.

The NARP Goal Setting Statement is: ‘I accept that I am in an eternal process of evolution with no requirement. I simply get happier, healthier and more whole and serve others and Life in Higher Ways.’

 

#4 You Start To Love Your Own Company and Peace and Tranquillity

Abusive situations are full of highs, lows, and drama. We may not realise that we are or were carrying all sorts of crisis consciousness patterns, keeping us unconsciously stuck in situations where we needed to fight battles and put out fires.

Because of our unhealed inner trauma, drama allowed us to self-avoid because we didn’t know how to be alone with our unresolved feelings, beliefs and inner traumas.

However, when you purposely turn inwards to self-partner and meet your emotions to release trauma and bring in the Light to heal, you will start to adore peace, calm and tranquillity.

This is when you will start to see the joy and value in the small things, nature, and Life itself.

No longer will you have the stomach for issues, turmoil, and drama.

The NARP Goal Setting Statement is: ‘I settle into the richness of peace and stillness, from where all opportunity is born.’

 

#5 You Feel Great and Then A Massive Trigger Goes Off Inside You

I really wanted to include this one, because it can be so deceiving. When a trigger goes off inside us, many people think that they have gone backwards in their recovery.

This is not true! These triggers can happen often in narcissistic abuse recovery such as in the time of breaking No Contact. This has happened to many of us after days, weeks, months or years.

There could be, of course, other triggers rather than breaking No Contact that go off for you such as when the ex-narcissistic partner gets a new partner, your kids get involved with a new step-parent, or the narcissist takes you to court. The list is endless.

Or maybe it is a feeling, a trigger that gets set off within you for no logical reason.

Please know this is totally on cue for your recovery. What it means is that now, after reaching a certain level of your evolution and healing, the next BIG wound that is ready to go has appeared for you to unpack it. This happens so you can go UP even higher and freer into your True Self and True Life.

If you feel like the trauma is so big that it’s a 10/10 in intensity – I promise you that if you meet it, release it and bring in Source to replace it (the NARP process), that the graduation, great feelings and bursting forth into your empowerment on the other side is a 10/10 as well.

That’s all you have to do!

These times, during absolute breakdown, are where your greatest acceleration in healing takes place. But only if you meet the trauma in your body and do the inner work, rather than get dragged into your head and ‘stinking thinking’ about it.

These are golden breakdown/breakthrough times of HUGE power and healing!

The NARP Goal Setting Statement is: ‘By meeting my trauma as it arises, I burst free into the higher trajectories of my soul’s dreams.’

 

#6 You Drop the Need to Attach to a False Identity

Before narcissistic abuse, most of us were inner identified with labels and achievements. We may have believed we were only as good as the security we had, what we achieved, what our last pay cheque was, how we looked, what people thought of us – the list goes on and on and on.

After we are narcissistically abused, very often the things that our previous identity used to be reliant on are wiped out. Many of us have had so much stripped from us, including our security, resources and health.

This means that we are left with only one thing to turn towards and value – our soul.

From here you make the transition into living free from conditions, achievements and outcomes in order to be whole.

When our Identity is no longer reliant on what we have or become, and is generated on the state of our Inner Being without props, this changes everything. Because we finally go about the healing of our shattered feelings instead of trying to get something from the outside to try to fix them.

Once we achieve this, which NARP powerfully does, then the doing and getting become effortless because it is an expression of who we are already Being.

We also no longer do the clinging to people and things, because we know that everything other than the worth and wholeness of our own soul is transient.

This is the true personal freedom that many of us never glimpsed, let alone experienced, until going through Thriver Recovery from narcissistic abuse.

The NARP Goal Setting Statement is: ‘By valuing and healing my soul, I know Who I Am and create more of myself with freedom and joy.’

 

#7 You Have Made Yourself Your Greatest Mission

Many people try to ‘get’ to ‘be’ until we realise the Quantum Law of so within, so without. This is perfectly understandable. We simply didn’t realise that life is about becoming an integrated, functional whole Being and that once we realise this our life mission will unfold.

What we are seeking to be and do is seeking us just as much – but we have fractures and false beliefs and traumas in our way that are not allowing this Source to flow through us as us.

We may also have the mistaken belief that what Source/God/Creation wants us to do is not what we want to do. This is completely a false premise because this higher benevolent force is you, and once aligned with it you will be flourished and nourished beyond your wildest dreams. You will be living the only life that was truly going to gratify you – the life you were born to live – if you only get yourself out of the way.

I don’t know of any force more powerful for you to align with your True Self and True Life of gifts and aspirations than narcissistic abuse recovery– as myself and countless Thrivers in this community have done.

Virtually all of us before recovery were trying to find our missions out there in life, not realising they were inside us ready to flow out once our traumas were out of the way.

Our soul urge coupled with all of Creation is too big not to happen, once you clear your trauma and fill with the Light that is you and your mission.

The healing of your soul is your biggest and most important job – and all else comes from that.

The NARP Goal Setting Statement is: ‘By assigning me as my greatest mission, my true mission outflows from me effortlessly.’

I so hope this video has helped.

Okay, if you want to start getting aligned with these truths to boost and actualise your recovery beyond your wildest dreams, then I’d love to help you.

So partner with me in the Thriver Way by clicking this link.

And if you want to see more of my videos, please subscribe so that you will be notified as soon as each new one is released. And if you liked this – click like. Also, please share with your communities so that we can help people awaken to these truths.

As always I am greatly looking forward to answering your comments and questions below.

 

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Narcissistic Ex? Here are 5 Communication Tips

Narcissistic Ex? Here are 5 Communication Tips

What do narcissists want more than anything? Approval and adulation from others. So if you really need something from him, you may have to compliment him.

The post Narcissistic Ex? Here are 5 Communication Tips appeared first on Divorce Magazine.

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narcissistic ex-husband

Maddie’s Story: I No Longer Blame Myself For The Harm My Narcissistic Ex-Husband Caused

narcissistic ex-husband

 

blame – adj : expletives used informally as intensifiers; “he’s a blasted idiot”; “it’s a blamed shame”; “a blame cold winter”; “not a blessed dime”; “I’ll be damned (or blessed or darned or goddamned) if I’ll do any such thing”; “he’s a damn (or goddam or goddamned) fool”; “a deuced idiot”; “tired or his everlasting whimpering”; “an infernal nuisance” 1: an accusation that you are responsible for some lapse or misdeed; 2: a reproach for some lapse or misdeed.

I was 45 years old, divorced and raising two sons on my own and for six years I had needed someone to blame for my predicament. I was finally able to blame someone after a conversation with my son. He was having some difficulty, emotionally, with the financial problems we faced to keep him enrolled in his college courses.

He was struggling at a time when his only concern should have been what courses he would take and living the carefree life of a college student. He was upset and through his tears, he said to me, “Mom, if we had played a role in this I might be able to deal with it. If I held some responsibility for the way things are with Dad it wouldn’t hurt so deeply.”

I began to reflect on my role in the pain of my divorce and the damage done to my children. Isn’t it human nature to want someone to blame your problems on? If there is someone to blame then we might be able to extract some justice and feel vindicated for our suffering.

As I sat thinking back I realized that the ultimate blame lay with me, the person who had fallen in love with and married his father. I had looked across a room one night a little over two decades ago and with one momentary look at his face, my fate and the fate of my children had been sealed. What came in between then and now has been, at times, powerfully loving and incredibly cruel.

How I Met my Narcissistic Ex-Husband

Connie and I chose a table close to the door and ordered a couple of drinks. We hadn’t been there long when I glanced over at the bar and noticed a group of guys sitting at the bar. I had an immediate and intense attraction to the looks of one of them.

He had a square jaw line, full lips with a perfect receding hairline. If there is such a thing!

He had a little boy look about him. He smiled at one of his friends and there were dimples, deep dimples that lay right below beautiful, icy blue eyes and rosy cheeks. He had a sweetness to his face and before I had even spoken to him, I knew, from his look, that he would be able to grab my attention and hold it.

I look back now and realize that look was the look of the “walking wounded” and that my attraction to it had to do with my need to rescue, take care of and love unconditionally anyone who needed to be fixed.

And, wounded he was. Wounded beyond fixing no matter how hard I tried. He was one of nine sons raised by a devout Catholic mother who thought it her religious duty to procreate but not mother and an absent father who thought raising the children was women’s work. He became the love of my life, the father of my children and a man who would do immeasurable harm to those who loved him most.

To be continued…

The post Maddie’s Story: I No Longer Blame Myself For The Harm My Narcissistic Ex-Husband Caused appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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10 Things To Look Forward To After Narcissistic Abuse

10 Things To Look Forward To After Narcissistic Abuse

 

After narcissistic abuse we can feel that life will never be good again.

We crave for something new and different.

Today, I’m going to share with you ten beautiful Thriver Gifts that come naturally to you when you heal from the inside out.

These include learning what it means to love, support and approve of yourself while no longer accepting toxic people in your life, how to be present in the Now and have a greater connection to Source accepting that everything is perfect just as it is, and experiencing being open-hearted and authentic, therefore uplevelling relationships so that life just gets better and better!

Also, for those of you who are NARPers, I share with you some of my favourite Goal Setting Statements to help you anchor deeply into these Ten Thriver Gifts!

 

 

Video Transcript

For many of us in the world, today is Mother’s Day.

I’d love to take this opportunity to say Happy Mother’s Day to my beautiful mother, Lorraine, as well as all the lovely Mothers in our Thriver Community.

I know that this day can be quite a painful day for many of our Thriver Tribe, because you may be estranged from your mother or even your children. If this is the case, please feel a big, warm hug from myself and the MTE Team. I want you to know how special you all are and how loved by us.

Today, I want to focus on some positive things as my Mother’s Day gift to all of you – including the lovely guys in our community. This is information regarding the ten greatest things that we get to look forward to after narcissistic abuse. I hope you will find this information inspiring, regardless of where you are on your journey.

Also, I want to share powerful statements for those of you NARPers using the Goal Setting Modules as well as a BIG acceleration with the new Thriver’s Life Modules in NARP Version 3.

So, before we get started, I want to remind you that if you haven’t yet subscribed to my channel please do. And if you like this video, please make sure you hit the like button.

Okay, let’s jump in.

 

Number 1 – Loving, Supporting and Approving Ourselves

We discover through our brokenness and associated victimisation after narcissistic abuse, that the more we try to get love, approval and support from others, the less we get it and the more broken we become.

It may seem that other people are not ‘getting’ what we have been through. Family, friends, systems and legal personnel turning away and not helping is beyond horrific.

However, truly, this is all part of the divine plan, because we are meant to be stripped back to leave us no option other than to turn inside – to go to our Inner Being and Inner Child and do what we have always needed to do – to come home to love and accept ourselves.

Little did we know that this is the template that will bring ‘more’ from others.

After healing the Quantum Way and accepting the Energetic Law of so within, so without, we realise the real reason we were susceptible to narcissistic abuse was not because we were bad people but because we had been unknowingly ‘bad’ to ourselves.

If we aren’t self-partnered we try to blame and shame ourselves into shape. We are our own worst critics. We apply conditional love such as ‘I will only love and accept you if (and then comes the never reachable list of conditions)’.

We didn’t realise that what we are really battling is the inner critical parent; the inner narcissist. This meant that we accepted levels of love and pain at the same levels of painful love that we were treating ourselves with.

After narcissistic abuse and we go inside to release our trauma, we return organically to our True Self state of natural love, acceptance, support and kindness to ourselves. No longer do we struggle to get to these states because of wounds holding us separated from them – we just come home to them.

We know that loving and accepting ourselves IS natural when we are unwounded; it’s organically who we are. From there we get the pleasant shock of discovering just how possible it is to accept and love being in our bodies, on this planet and in life itself.

Everything starts from within.

Many people ask me what are the NARP Modules to achieve this. The answer is every NARP Module brings about this shift, however, Modules 7 and 10 especially grant boosts to get there.

The Goal Setting statement that goes with this is: I love and accept myself unconditionally without limits. It just is.

I also suggest you do the Source Healing and Resolution Module work to target and clear the traumas in your body that are not allowing you to love and accept yourself.

 

Number 2 – Being Present in the Now

Crisis consciousness is synonymous with narcissistic abuse. When we are traumatised, many parts of our brain and Being become dysregulated. We are thrown into states of hyper- or hypo-arousal – that is we are either too over stimulated to perceived threats or we shut down and are unable to interact because our willpower and belief in ‘Self’ has collapsed.

This means we are frozen in the traumas of the past and the fears of the future, and unable to be present and functional in the present. In our previous existence of trying to manage our traumas with medications and strategies, they still existed and it was exhausting having our energy tied up trying to survive our wounds. It meant that we were always trying to stay one step ahead of what could happen.

When we release the traumas and deep survival programs that narcissistic abuse brings up, we can deeply just BE and discover a surprising thing – the mind stops overanalysing everything.

Also the previous energy tied up in trying to manage and survive your inner wounds is released as pure creative energy. This means you have the inspiration, knowing and excitement to be yourself and do wonderful things in life.

You also discover that without your logical mind in the way, you are open to receive Infinite Intelligence – the direction, answers and guidance from a much deeper, wiser, expanded part of yourself. Your True Self who you organically are without your traumas.

Module 1, 3 and 8 in NARP are powerful steps to get into the Now as your natural state without battling to try to stay there.

The appropriate Goal Setting statement is: I release myself from the past to know I am blessed and safe right now. Without my trauma I can just Be.

I also highly recommend a Source Healing and Resolution Module to clear the traumas of ‘My over-active mind’, which will free you from the traumas pulling you out of your Being to be safe in your body.

 

Number 3 – A Greater Connection to Source

Whether we are religious, spiritual or simply acknowledge that there is an unseen force in all of life that keeps our heart beating and masterminds the beauty of nature surrounding us, the following applies: when we detach from False Sources for attempted soothing and love, and start filling ourselves with our Higher Power of lifeforce and wellbeing instead, we discover what it is to be truly nourished and flourished by All of Existence.

After releasing the traumas that were making us dependent, needy, broken and contracted, and opening up our hearts and mind to something bigger than us, we discover how incredible life becomes when we are connected to ‘the Field’ of Quantum possibility which allows life-force and wellbeing to flow through us.

This connects you to trajectories where you organically experience synchronicity, love, support and incredible connections that just can’t be conjured up by your cognitive self. This is because our left-brain limitations can’t comprehend the permutations of how things energetically line up and the intricacies and perfection of the symphony that we all are – wave functions interconnected with each other and everything.

Without our traumas we start to experience Who We Really Are – not self-disconnected from the All, but a part of this greater system of Life, fully loved and accepted, knowing ourselves as Source knows us – inherently worthy of our highest and greatest life.

This connection, which is a spectacular by product of Thriver Recovery, shows us that what our soul seeks is just as determinedly seeking us – and easily becomes our life when we get the trauma of ourselves out of the way.

Modules 7 and 10 in NARP specifically caters to this beautiful alignment in our life.

The Goal Setting statement is: I now open up to receive Source flowing through me as me. I see myself in all my glory and truth as Source knows me.

 

Number 4 – No Longer Accepting Toxic People

When we come home to being whole within ourselves, we are no longer needy for junk. Just as Don Miguel Ruiz explains in his book The Mastery of Love about the Magical Kitchen, if we have a beautiful well-stocked kitchen to prepare and make delicious nutritious food, we would not accept a dodgy deal of being controlled by someone just so that we can partake with them in greasy pizza.

When we are self-generative, we no longer accept bad behaviour from toxic people. We already feel whole and full and so we can say ‘No’, not take it personally, stop trying to turn crumbs into cookies, and cease trying to fix and change people so that they can soothe our wounds and make us happy.

Instead, we can affirm our values and truths and let go to allow them to have their journey with whatever and whoever it is at their level of development, whilst we take full care for our own journey.

The NARP Modules which assist us to generate this level of personal power and inner solidness are Modules 2, 4, 5, 6 and 9.

The Goal Setting statement is: I bless and let you go. I devote now to healing me and connecting to the Life, people and situations which is my truth.

 

Number 5 – Being Able to Be Open Hearted and Authentic – Safely

When we were narcissistically abused, of course we felt we had to hide, shut down and protect ourselves from toxic and bad people.

When we went inside to heal the traumas that were unconsciously allowing us to be susceptible to these people, then we emerged feeling impervious to them.

My motto is to be powerful and graceful, simultaneously and, as I learnt in my recovery, that in no way do we need to shut down and be secretive or defensive in order to be safe. All we need to do is be ourselves, no longer being derailed because of fears and traumas.

This means being lovingly heart-centred and direct. It means speaking up if you need clarification, asking for what you need honestly, and no longer handing your wounds to people hoping that they can ‘fix’ them for you.

The bottom line is, if you are doing the work to address your traumas as your first and foremost mission, in order to get honest, solid and whole in your body, then you can fully be yourself shining a bright light no longer dancing around other people wounds, get sucked in by or dimming down and hiding out.

When we were previously doing these things, we were like injured gazelles at the edge of a pack ready to be picked off by a predator. The strongest, most buoyant boundary beast won’t be touched, and, in fact, we become bright lights of authentic power with Source flowing through us.

This is far too powerful for energy vampires to be near.

All the NARP Modules will help you get to this place.

The Goal Setting statement is: As my True Self I am impervious to all that is not my truth, worth, reality and values.

 

Number 6 – Uplevelling Existing Relationships

After taking on the journey to heal from narcissistic abuse, if we are doing it for real we get very honest about how we have been showing up in ways that have cogenerated the experience of disappointing and painful relationships.

We start to investigate, without judgemental and with fascination, how we have been people pleasing, not laying healthy boundaries, handing our power away in order to try to be loved, or being indirectly passive aggressive because we don’t believe in our worthiness enough to speak up for our needs and be honest about what our values and truths are.

Like so many of us, this was huge for me too. I went from being completely stuck inside, feeling like I had no rights, voice or value in so many of my critical relationships, to understanding I needed to show up differently and be honest. The transformations in my life were incredible. Some relationships ended; others raised up into evolutionary relationships. And my relationship with my family and son evolved in record time with such love and beauty. I was able to use my ‘anchored in my body’ skills, truth and authenticity in intimate love relationships – with the beautiful results that I live today.

From this incredible graduation of self, regarding boundaries, authenticity, relationships and love, we have the courage and skills to create and generate new relationship as well as vastly improve existing ones.

The NARP Modules for this are Module 2, 3 and 6, but in reality all of them.

The Goal Setting statement is: I now show up healthily and honestly in my relationship to generate my true value. I do this with power, grace and kindness.

 

Number 7 – Being Self Generative and Then Experiencing Even More in Life

The dire pain of narcissistic abuse, and even before narcissistic abuse, is that we can feel alone, unsupported and unloved by life and others. Most of us have gone through extreme periods of feeling like this. What we discover is that if we try to hook up with people to ease these feelings, we continually suffer rejection, toxicity and abuse, which leaves us feeling even more empty and unfulfilled.

This is because we are looking for love in all the wrong places.

Whether you are religious, spiritual or neither, I promise you there is only one place to feel ‘filled’ from and that is Your Super Conscious/Higher Power – whatever this Higher Power is to you – it could just be Life-force. I love this about the Quanta Freedom Healing. Every time we release a trauma and bring in Source to replace where that trauma was, we fill with MORE wholeness, love, wisdom and True Self.

We organically reconnect back to our true essence – which is a part of the Whole and is ALL these things.

In this state we feel incredible love, belonging and acceptance just as we are.

The loneliness is gone and the emptiness is filled. Because we have turned inwards to self-partner and self-heal, we have become our greatest lover, supporter and healer and, coupled with the almighty power of our Higher Self (Source), we now have the partnership of love that we have wanted all of our life.

Then we discover the miracle of so within, so without – that when we are releasing fear and pain (trauma) and filling continually, situations and people naturally come towards us to add more to that fullness.

We find that relationships, support, synchronicities, possibilities, opportunities and miracles start arriving. With our now established self-loving and self-respecting boundaries we can investigate these potentials fearlessly, mindfully and sensibly.

All the Modules relate to this point, because the complete NARP system is delivering you to be self-generative. Doing the healings is profoundly self-generative.

The Goal Setting statement is: By becoming my True Self, The Field naturally grants me more of me.

 

Number 8 – Expanding Beyond Previous Comfort Zones

When we are traumatised we are shut down and can’t take action. We are limited in our lives and seem to keep generating at the same level of disappointing limitation with no access to a bigger, richer and more fulfilling field of possibilities.

In releasing our traumas, we know ‘growth’ means growing past where we used to be.

I used to be so agoraphobic that I had to stick to a very small number of safe places and routines to avoid massive triggers going off. I know you can probably relate. Yet when I met and released these triggers within me, I had space inside and outside to move and grow and explore. Plus I was determined. I knew I could confront and release any triggers inside me with Quanta Freedom Healing. Now I never have to hide, shrink and contract. And why would I want to? That wasn’t the real me!

One of the greatest joys of Thriver Recovery from narcissistic abuse is the unlimited expanding that is possible. Life begins to fill with a richness and possibilities that you may never have known existed.

Finally we understand that the only limitations to our life have been the blocks (traumas) within ourselves. When these go, a whole new world and life opens up.

I adore how unlimited, expansive and miraculous my life has become, and I adore watching so many of you NARPers also living the same expansion that bares no resemblance to your previous traumatised self.

This is what I want for everyone.

For those of you NARPers ready for this level of accelerated expansion, my suggestion is the Empowered Self Course.

 

Number 9 – Knowing How to Lose It All to Get It All

When we are full, we know that we have unlimited permutations and continual generation of more from The Field. There is no lack. We know that if something doesn’t work out there is more from where that came (The Field). We also know that when we stop participating and say ‘no’ to something and are prepared to go without before the real thing shows up, it is the universe signalling in powerful ways to supply us a graduation that we have never accessed before.

This is where we know we win either way – either that the person or situation will step up to meet us at the level of our values and truth or they leave our experience and the real thing will enter.

You must know this – if you tolerate something it IS and WILL be your reality. If you are willing to lose it all to get it all, then you are honouring and creating your True Self and True Life.

All of the NARP Modules help you reach this level of development.

The Goal Setting statement is: I release all that is not me and open the space within and without for it to enter my life.

 

Number 10 – Accepting That Everything is Perfect

Acceptance is key. Without it we can’t create our grandest and truest life. This is one of the most powerful mantras to ever adopt – This is happening for me and not to me. What this really means is: Thank you for signalling within me the understanding of another trauma I can now release and live free from.

This is powerful Quantum growth. This is the ability to bless everything, no matter what it looks like, and to work with it in the most positive and powerful way regardless of whatever anyone else is or isn’t doing.

This is the thing. When we give up the notion of trying to control and change other people and things in order to have a great life, and go inside when we are triggered to resolve our Inner Being back to peace and solidness, then we KNOW what wisdom we have gained, what action to do (or not to do) and which direction to take.

And it all unfolds beautifully. In fact, it means our life just gets better and better. Our growth, relationships and success all heal. We stop having to experience the same painful patterns and traumas over and over again because we are resisting the triggers of blaming ourselves and others for feeling that way, and therefore missing the Healing Graduation opportunity.

This is all perfectly and exactly what our soul intended. We understand this when we wake up from the trance, see the magnificent bigger Quantum Picture and start working with it.

All the Modules in NARP allow you to achieve this level of acceptance because that is exactly what you are using the Modules for!

The aligned Goal Setting statement to help you get on board with this powerfully is: I accept that life is working FOR me, in all circumstances, to deliver me to my greatest joy and truth.

Do you know how powerful gratitude is? Wait and see what it will do for your life. The ultimate gratitude is the acceptance of this truth.

 

For those of you who have not as yet started the inner work to step onto the Thriver Recovery path, I’d love to explain more to you about it with an invitation to sign up for my free resources. These resources will help you understand how true inner healing works and how to start actualising it.

You can get started with me by clicking this link. 

And if you want to see more of my videos, please subscribe so that you will be notified as soon as each new one is released. And if you liked this – click like. Also, please share with your communities so that we can help people awaken to these truths.

Okay … just before I close off. I’d love to ask you for your feedback about these ten blessings regarding Thriver Recovery – where you are with them (no matter where that is). Also I would love you to ask any questions that you may have about them. And for all you NARPers, please let me know if you want extra direction with the ten Thriver expansions.

Please write your comments and questions below, as I love answering them for you!

 

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The Soul Graduation of Narcissistic Abuse

The Soul Graduation of Narcissistic Abuse

 

People can experience STUNNING results after narcissistic abuse where not only do they survive and rebuild from the depths of despair, they also claim true joy, purpose, abundance, love, expansion and confidence…and to a far greater extent than before suffering abuse, even when abuse is all that they have ever known.

Is this a fluke or have they discovered a magic potion? How is this even possible?  Maybe these are questions that you are asking yourself.

In today’s Thriver TV I am going to take you through the answer –  Soul Graduation – by explaining what it is, how you can access it, and how by accepting the truth of it and claiming it you will not only break free from the pain of what you have suffered, but will also start to live as your True Self creating your True Life.

 

 

Video Transcript

What does a Soul Graduation mean?

It means we haven’t just saved our lives – it means, literally, we have saved our souls.

In today’s Thriver TV episode, I am going to explain to you what a Soul Graduation is, how to take it, and how it will grant you, virtually on a silver plate, the Life you had always wanted – the Life of your dreams.

Many of us know the nicest people in the world have been narcissistically abused. You deserve an incredible life – not the horrible things you have been through. Today, make sure you watch this full episode because I am going to explain the Life compensation that awaits you and how to take it with both hands.

Okay, so before we get started, I want to remind you that if you haven’t yet subscribed to my channel please do. And if you like this video, please make sure you hit the like button.

Now let’s get going…

 

The Force Pushing Us to Graduate

Narcissistic abuse is agonising; it brings us to our knees. And when it does, we are shocked to discover that we can’t seem to think our way out of it – the terrorised feelings, heartbreak and obsessing about what has happened to us.

We can’t just get on with it as we have before. Willpower and determination just doesn’t seem to cut it, and we are shocked about this because in the past we used to pride ourselves on our tenacity. When we reach inside to try to harness our usual formidable resources, it’s like our spirit is missing; our soul is shattered and there is no hope, drive, inspiration or interest, or maybe even health, to continue with. I understand this; I’ve been there. I was there in the bottom of that black pit, like so many of you have been or possibly still are. My heart goes out to you if you are there, because unless you have been through it no-one could even begin to imagine what it feels like.

We really only have two choices: we stay as victims, having a diminished life for the rest of our life, or we take the Thriver path and say, ‘NO! There has to be more than this!’

And there is more – it’s a Soul Graduation. Taking your Soul Graduation means we don’t just go through a mere ‘survivor’ recovery, where we are often stuck with the trauma symptoms of abuse for the rest of our Life – PTSD, agoraphobia, fibromyalgia, adrenal fatigue, and things like premature aging and progressively reduced health, as well as limited ability to trust, connect, love, generate financial freedom and abundance and a greatly compromised ability to experience lasting and durable joy and expansion.

However, if we take our Soul Graduation we became healthier, younger, more confident, loving and connected to ourselves, life and others than we were even before abuse. We start to connect to our True Life of grand love, purpose, possibilities, miracles, aspirations, joy and fulfilment – more so than we ever believed in our wildest dreams was possible.

We feel safer and more at home in our bodies and on this planet than we ever have – without fear and defences – which is a huge accomplishment from our previous selves. We become Grace-full and Power-full simultaneously – such is the freedom of Soul Graduation.

Okay, so, I want to ask you these questions.

  • Do you want to feel free of anxiety, depression and pain – even more so than you ever remember feeling?
  • Do you want to be able to regenerate your life in powerful, joyous and loving ways without the fear of being devastated and destroyed again?
  • Do you want to finally be free of all your limitations and to expand into life truly as yourself, living your highest calling, your true A-life, whilst sharing your unique self with the world?

If you do, this video is for you – because I don’t know of any bigger springboard to achieve these things from than from narcissistic abuse.

I personally always wanted these things all my life, and I applied myself to masses of personal development for decades to try to achieve them. It didn’t work – what did work was healing for real from narcissistic abuse.

And I know why it worked – because finally I turned inwards to take my Soul Graduation.

Narcissistic Abuse is a make or break deal.

We evolve or dissolve.

We integrate or disintegrate.

We are submerged in the bowels of hell into such darkness that the only way out is to release our trauma and fill ourselves with profound Light where that trauma was.

How do I know this to be true? Because against all odds I chose to actualise and received my Soul Graduation, and I have been honoured to see so many others achieve this too.

We did this by turning inwards to self-partner and meet our traumas within with an energetic healing process that accesses our subconscious traumas, loads them up, lets them go and brings in Source – our superconscious Higher Self – to fill up where those traumas once where.

This shifted us from the Old Self and fearful painful programs, to our True Self who knows how to be whole and healthily connected to life – organically.

Quanta Freedom Healing is the subconscious super-tool in NARP that myself and many Thrivers in this community have used to load up and release the previous inner traumas that were eating us alive. These were emotional wounds stuck in our Inner Beings that no amount of logical thinking could heal, integrate or let go of.

And god knows, before using Quanta Freedom Healing we tried!

 

What Does Our Soul Graduation Produce?

Your Soul Graduation allows you to be released from the emotional pain that is tearing you up. This is, ironically, the very same emotional agony that is pushing you to take the graduation. The trauma is the signal to self-partner, meet and release Self from those inner parts that are not your True Self, so that all else can follow.

The state must precede the event, which means that when we deal with our Inner Universe (our emotional inner composition) the Outer Universe that we are intrinsically connected to must shift as well – it is Quantum Law.

This means we have graduated past ‘that level’ of people/events/occurrences in our Life and our Being now has access to higher levels of existence than the ones we were previously experiencing our life at.

Let me explain in a deeper way with an example. Let’s say that you had unhealed traumas from your epigenetic, past-life and childhood history of ‘the people who love me abandon me’.

Because this is a strong emotional charge and therefore a subconscious program that connects the topic of ‘love’ as a TRUTH for you, you will try to logically choose people who are available to love you healthily, yet your subconscious pre-programed ‘love code’ is stuck onto the painful truth, like a heat-seeking missile locked onto a target.

Therefore you will unconsciously collude again (and again) to connect with people who are highly suspect of doing this, and you make all sorts of justifications and excuses for being with them (which we TOTALLY believe to be real excuses when we are stuck in emotional subconscious programs that our brains are wired to fulfil no matter what). Each time you do this you have the exact trauma ripped open again, as well as other previously unhealed epigenetic, past-life, childhood and adult accumulated wounds.

Then you have even more trauma connected to this belief/subconscious program, which gives it a greater force to live on inside of you and keep playing out to the letter, no matter what you do to logically try to change it.

Taking a Soul Graduation halts the vicious circle by waking us up, and this is the consciousness that we awaken into:

  • Our entire purpose here is to take back our God-like Creator Self – meaning that we have the ability to be the generative source of our own experience regardless of what others are or aren’t doing.
  • Ceasing thinking that life is happening to us and realising that life is happening through us.
  • Understanding we cannot be unconsciously participating in and experiencing a trauma unless we have the matching trauma already programmed within us.
  • Realising that having unresolved previous trauma means we are carrying this susceptibility, and if it is powerful and emotionally charged enough we are a continual target for that same trauma reappearing in our experience.
  • If we release trauma from our being and reprogram our subconscious programs back to our organic True Self state (which is Who We Are without trauma trapped inside), then the people and situations that were delivering ‘more’ of the same trauma must and will dissolve out of our experience – it’s Quantum Law.
  • All of Existence and Life is positioned for our Soul Graduation and is rooting for us to break free into the highest and truest expression of ourselves, and blesses us with wisdom, inspiration, love, possibility and miracle every time we let go of trauma and make space for Source to enter us as us.
  • We are not here to suffer. We are here to claim our Soul Graduation and be exalted, despite what it all looks like.

 

How Do We Deny Our Own Soul Graduation?

This is how we know if we are still stuck in our painful Love Codes – we continue to feel like a victim. If we can still feel inside us the trauma of other people hurting us, abusing us, punishing us, annihilating us, not showing up to love us healthily – or whatever else it might be – it is because we have not yet healed beyond this hurt. It means we still have the existing trauma wedged within us.

We may feel like we are ‘unsafe in the world’ or ‘it is not safe to be ourselves’ – many people who have suffered horrific relationships and narcissists absolutely have these entrenched inner programs playing out. I was one of these people, and these beliefs were very impactful for me.

I know I used to believe, as so many of us have done, that it is impossible to heal from past emotional devastation – and that it will live on within us forever and we can only hope to somehow manage this trauma.

However, with every cell of my being and fibre in my heart I want you to know this is NOT true – with Quanta Freedom Healing (you may have heard many people in this community bang on about the effectiveness of NARP!), you can totally purge the trauma from your cells and Inner Being and live without it – because it simply isn’t there anymore!

That is the reality Thrivers live by.

Many people may view ‘taking our Soul Graduation’ as victim blaming and allowing abusers the easy way out by not holding them accountable. This is not true. I have seen more abusers come into accountability than ever before, when people take their Soul Graduation. This is because when we are healed, healthy and solid, toxic people no longer have power over us. We have the strength to go in and fight the good fight for both our Self and our rights without our traumas derailing us and granting them the bullets to keep abusing us with.

Some people also get very upset about personal healing responsibility and taking our power back in relation to young children being traumatised and powerless against abusive adults. Absolutely this is true. Children are powerless to heal and help themselves. Many of us in this community suffered abuse and unconscious parenting as children. A huge proportion of the population in our generations and previous ones suffered significant, and even unspeakable, abuse at ages where they were powerless to take action, have boundaries or hold abusers accountable.

However, as adults, if the trauma is still trapped in our body, waiting for others to fix us is fruitless. And as adults, when we do turn inwards to heal what we discover – as myself and so many others have – is that deep within our beings are terrible human accumulated traumas that, as well as traumas from our childhood, we have been carrying from the collective, possibly our gender, race, ancestors, and our past lives.

We also begin to understand organically as trauma leaves and bigger picture truths arise within, that the unconditional Universe Quantum Law of ‘so within, so without’ was in the families we arrived into, matching us up with the continuation of our already existing predisposed traumas that we were born with.

If we wish to stop the patterns, there is only one way to do so – create a change within our Inner Beings to become the change that we seek to live.

Then not only do we put an end to abuse patterns in our lives, we also choose different partners to cogenerate parenting with for our future children, and/or we impact and heal our children who have already experienced abuse – by leading the way for them – which is essential.

And then we send out a ripple effect of healing for our existing and future generations. We are not just healing ourselves, we are helping heal humanity.

In stark contrast, if we stand for victimisation and righteously believe abused children need to grow up to become aggrieved adults, we will not generate a healing change. Rather, we stay firmly wedged in the pain, fear and judgement that keeps the abuse/abused cycles going.

How do children of victimised parents grow up? Either as victims or perpetrators – it is two sides of the same coin.

Only being actively responsible for our own Soul Graduations, one person at a time, can free ourselves and our world from this.

 

Graduation In Real Time

A true Soul Graduation is a two-part process. The first is changing ourselves on an Inner Level to be different regarding a particular topic – when we release the painful trauma around a topic then there is no more pain regarding it. We start to think completely differently about it – because our brain’s neuro wiring organises itself around our subconscious inner programs – the brain follows the body, always.

This means wisdom, acceptance, hope, inspiration and even joy and excitement concerning this topic replaces where fear, pain and confusion once reigned.

This means that once you have done the appropriate inner NARP work, no longer will you believe you are ‘not enough’, ‘incapable of getting love right’, ‘unable to speak up when in need’, ‘unsafe in the face of a toxic other’, and the list goes on and one. And the crazy good thing is that you didn’t have to LEARN anything to get there. When you bring in Source to where the trauma once was, you shift into BEING the change you seek.

Then the real thing can come.

Be it and it comes. That is what be-come means.

Yet, there is second essential step to a Soul Graduation – to be prepared to meet the topic and do it differently in real time.

Life is forever generous and completely supportive of your Soul Graduation, granting you everything you need to fully get your certificate, which is access the next highest level to your True Self and dreams.

Let me be really clear with you… When I hear that people are TERRIFIED of being in the company of a narcissist; are not willing to speak up; are not able to be truthful, direct or have the difficult conversations and shirk the responsibility of laying boundaries and doing ‘the right thing’ to honour their True Self, which before the inner shift is usually the VERY thing we are most terrified to do – I know that not only are they nowhere near their Soul Graduation, they are doomed to keep living painful patterns over and over and over again. This is because Life is never going to give up on them and will grant as much pain necessary to give them the opportunity to go within, shift out trauma, bring in Source and be-come different and then DO differently in real time.

What does that look like?

It looks like and is saying, ‘Bring it on!’ to:

  • Narcissists showing up in your path so that you can be fully yourself without handing power away, dimming down, hiding, running away or getting hooked in.
  • People crossing your boundaries so that you can speak up and place limits, and be willing to lose it all to get it all.
  • Life pushing you to the next level, by not shifting until you do the necessary act of courage; show commitment to Self, and self-love and respect to live aligned with your soul truth and values, regardless of what anyone else is or isn’t doing.
  • Dependencies that you thought were your Identity breaking down so that you are forced to value and come home to yourself – to start generating your True Self and True Life powerfully.

When you know that all of Life is granting you everything you need for your Soul Graduation, then you will accept it with both hands and a loving grateful heart. You will be awake and excited and punching the air with joy at the results you achieve by showing up and doing the thing you most need to do, because you start to be free of fear and pain and able to fully be yourself in Life.

When you reach this level of joy and wonder and growth, then you will see exactly what Life will grant you – more joy, wonder and growth – in the most stunning abundance and glory you could ever imagine.

This is Soul Graduation – experiencing that when you are no longer fearful of walking under ladders then all ladders will be removed from your path. The almighty cogs of Creation itself say, ‘You Graduated, you have passed go, you blitzed that level, now you are released into the next Higher One that is filled with abundance and blessings for you.’

Do you want this?

If so, Thrivers write below, ‘I am shifting my fear OUT and walking under ladders NOW!

Okay, so the ‘shifting’ part is what makes the doing so much easier and more powerful. I would love to show you how this can be your reality by you learning about NARP and my Thriver healing techniques in my free 16-day course and free workshop. You can do so by clicking this link.

And if you want to see more of my videos, please subscribe so that you will be notified as soon as each new one is released. And if you liked this – click like. Also, please share with your communities so that we can help people awaken to these truths.

And, as always, I look SO forward to answering your comments and questions below.

 

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narcissistic, challenging or high conflict ex

10 Strategies For Dealing With a Narcissistic, Challenging Or High Conflict Ex

narcissistic, challenging or high conflict ex

 

One of the most crucial things to keep in mind post-divorce when you were married to a narcissist or challenging person is to set good boundaries and abandon any thought of co-parenting successfully.

If one of the reasons why your marriage ended was due to your spouse being a narcissist, you probably hoped that things would get better for you and your children after your divorce. Perhaps one of the biggest disappointments might be that co-parenting with a narcissistic ex-spouse doesn’t work any better than being married to him or she did.

While co-parenting is advised by experts as an optimal situation for a child’s well-being after divorce, attempting to do so with an ex who has a high conflict personality or a personality disorder is usually unsuccessful. In most cases, an amicable relationship can’t be achieved between parents and parallel parenting is the only paradigm that should be attempted.

Parallel Parenting

Many parents don’t realize that there is an alternative to co-parenting when their ex is high conflict or has narcissistic traits. During a recent conversation with Briana, she shared her insights about the hazards of co-parenting with her former spouse who was challenging and self-centered.

Briana put it like this: “Justin made our life miserable after the divorce. He was argumentative, controlling, and late picking up our kids – or worse he’d cancel at the last minute, or not show up.”

During our conversation, I explained a solution for parents who want to co-parent with an ex who is narcissistic or challenging.  According to Dr. Edward Kruk, Ph.D., “Parallel Parenting is an arrangement in which divorced parents are able to co-parent by means of disengaging from each other, and having limited contact, in situations where they have demonstrated that they are unable to communicate with each other in a respectful manner.”

Truth be told, parallel parenting allows parents to remain disengaged with one another (and have a parenting plan) while they remain close to their children. For instance, they remain committed to making responsible decisions (medical, education, etc.) but decide on the logistics of day-to-day parenting separately.

10 strategies for dealing with a narcissistic, challenging, or high conflict ex:

1. Accept that co-parenting is not in the best interest of all children – especially when one of their parents is high conflict, self-centered, or lacks empathy.

2. Don’t tolerate demeaning or abusive behavior from your ex and be sure that you and your children feel safe. This might mean having a close friend or family member on hand when you talk to your former partner. If you plan for the worst (and don’t expect that your ex will have moved on or be caring) you’ll be less likely to be blindsided by his/her attempts to control or get back at you. Be sure to save all abusive emails and text messages. Don’t respond to them since this can perpetuate more abuse.

3. Limit your contact with your ex and try not to take calls from them when your children are nearby. It can be very hurtful to them to hear you and your ex argue – especially about them.

4. Set firm boundaries for your kids. Since their life with their other parent is unpredictable, you will have to provide stability. High-conflict personalities thrive on the possibility of combat. Be prepared and write a script to use when talking to him/her and try to stick with it, using as few words as possible. For instance, if he/she tries to persuade you to change the parenting plan, say something like: “I’m not comfortable with this idea. I’m sure you have good intentions but this won’t work for me.”

5. Be the parental role model your kids need to thrive. Show compassion toward your children and don’t bad-mouth their other parent in their presence. Children are vulnerable to experiencing loyalty conflicts and shouldn’t be in the middle between their parents. Be aware of your tone and facial expressions during interactions with your ex in front of your kids.

6. Keep your eye on the big picture in terms of your children’s future. Although it’s stressful trying to co-parent or even parallel parent with a difficult ex, it’s probably in the best interest of your children. Adopt realistic expectations and pat yourself on the back for working at this challenging relationship for your kids.

7. Focus on the only thing you can control – your behavior! You alone are responsible for your reactions to your ex’s comments and behavior. But don’t be persuaded by your ex to do something that you’re uncomfortable with just to keep the peace. Adopt a business-like “Just the facts, ma’am” style of communicating with him/her.

8. Don’t express genuine emotion to your ex or apologize for wrongdoing in the relationship.  If your ex is a perilous or abusive narcissist, they might interpret your apology as proof of your incompetence and use it against you, according to Virginia Gilbert, MFT.

9. Make sure you have a parenting plan that is structured and highly specific – spelling out schedules, holidays, vacations, etc. to minimize conflict. Using a communication notebook to share important details with your ex can be an essential tool and help you stay detached and business-like.

10. Do accept help from counselors, mediators, or other helping professionals. Make sure you have plenty of support from a lawyer, friends, family, and a therapist. Use a third party mediator when needed. Educate yourself about strategies to deal with a difficult or high-conflict ex. Therapists who utilize cognitive behavior therapy (CBT) are usually the most successful dealing with survivors of a relationship with an ex who has a personality disorder.

Under the best circumstances, co-parenting is a wonderful opportunity for children of divorce to have close to equal access to both parents – to feel close to both of their parents. Experts agree that the outcomes for children of divorce improve when they have positive bonds with both parents. These include better psychological and behavioral adjustment and enhanced academic performance. However, few experts discuss the drawbacks of co-parenting when one parent is hands-off, has a high conflict personality; or a personality disorder such as Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

However, it’s crucial that you take an honest look at the effect your ex’s behaviors and the dynamics in your relationship are having on you and your children. Once you accept that you can only control your own behavior – not a person with a difficult or high conflict personality – your life will greatly improve. After all, you and your children deserve to have a life filled with love and happiness!

Follow Terry Gaspard on TwitterFacebook, and movingpastdivorce.com. Terry is pleased to announce the publication of Daughters of Divorce: Overcome the Legacy of Your Parents’ Breakup and Enjoy a Happy, Long-lasting Relationship (Sourcebooks).

The post 10 Strategies For Dealing With a Narcissistic, Challenging Or High Conflict Ex appeared first on Divorced Moms.



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3 Things You Can Do To Ease The Terror Of Narcissistic Abuse

3 Things You Can Do To Ease The Terror Of Narcissistic Abuse

 

 

I know the terror of narcissistic abuse – just like I know you do.

Like being a deer in the headlights, paralysed, not knowing where to turn, or maybe even what is up or down.

Very few life circumstances can make us feel as terrorised as when a narcissist strikes out to hurt us.

It’s beyond excruciating. However, we aren’t powerless.

There are three key things that you can start doing right now to get relief and access calm, solution and even miracle with what you have been trying, but fruitlessly, to deal with. And it’s my greatest mission to show you how in today’s Thriver TV episode.

 

 

Video Transcript

Today is the day I want to address the terror.

That horror of narcissistic abuse, when the narcissist does unspeakable things, where your stomach churns and ice runs through your veins as you realise that this person is capable of God knows what…and you have no idea what terrible thing is going to happen next.

I know you know at this stage of the abuse it feels like you have been hit by a bomb, and it’s almost a given you will be suffering regular panic attacks and can’t think straight.

Because of this, in today’s Thriver TV I want to help you not only survive the terror but emerge healthy, sane and victorious with my THREE TOP TIPS.

Now, before we get started, if you haven’t yet subscribed to my channel please do. And if you like this video, please make sure you hit the like button.

Okay, let’s get right into it…

 

Number 1 – Anchor Into Knowing the Narcissist Has No TRUE Power To Hurt You

This can be so hard to comprehend at first because it seems that the narcissist is all powerful and can crush you, hurt you and rip your life apart with their deceptions, actions and minions. And you may very well be experiencing exactly that right now.

However, there is a deeper truth going on – narcissists are False Selves who cannot generate their own power. They are only able to operate by triggering our primal survival programs – things like the fear of abandonment, annihilation, not being able to survive – and then using this energy against us as metaphoric bullets to shoot us with.

Narcissistic abuse is a spiritual, psychic, energetic phenomenon. What we believe to be the surface system of life doesn’t apply here. In fact, narcissistic abuse and its effects take us into a deep dive into the Quantum World, showing us the reality of our unconscious, unhealed parts that narcissists unearth, expose and attack with full ferocity.

In the normal cognitive understanding we have of life we believe, ‘This is happening to me from this outside source and I have to negate, change or stop what they are doing in order to be safe.’

Narcissists, however, are ‘smoke and mirrors’. There is NO actual person there. This ‘disorder’ (narcissism) is powered up inside the narcissist by your primal and survival terrors. The narcissist is only a catalyst, feeding off your fear in order to line you up and project onto you his or her inner tormented parts. If this person wasn’t in your life doing this, another one would have presented themselves – because the true, sole (and soul) purpose of a narcissist and narcissistic abuse is to free you from your primal terrors so that you can reintegrate as your True Self.

Here is the rub: when our primal and survival terrors no longer exist, the narcissist is fed no energy psychically from you to be able to continue. Without narcissistic supply – your emotional energy – their actions against you fall flat and they are no longer possible. It is like fearlessly looking at a dragon roaring and then seeing that under the mirage there is really a broken, disordered, powerless child, who has no desire to take responsibility for his or her wounds and is firmly in the business of trying to destroy everyone else by using their own fear and pain against them.

When you understand this and do all you can to let go of your internal fear and pain, creating your solid and calm Inner Being instead, no matter what anyone else is or isn’t doing, you will see how powerless narcissists really are.

I promise you I have known exactly what it is like to be lined up and brutalised by a hugely vindictive, cunning narcissist, and to be completely traumatised by what he was doing. When I stopped trying to change or end what he was doing, and rather turned inwards to release my fears, wounds and gaps that were being pummelled by his actions, then incredible things happened. All of a sudden I had the inspirational answers on the correct action to take, people came to my side aiding me in generating more calmness, solidness, safety and the resurrecting of my life. His attempts to dismantle and punish me fell over.

This happened because of my shifted Beingness, just as it does for all the Thrivers in this Community who have worked on shifting their Beingness.

I know that this is one of the hardest things to accept with narcissistic abuse – that no amount of action will help. Recall what happened when you did act and try to stop the terror of what was happening when you were in extreme terror. You know – it didn’t work.

When we embrace and start working with narcissistic abuse at the Quantum Level, we know it is a soul war and we know exactly how to start winning – by working on our deep Inner Being, emancipating our soul from fear and pain. And from that place all else follows.

 

Number 2 – Let Go

To get up and out of narcissistic abuse and into our True Self and True Life there is a calling for a Quantum Soul leap. Some people take their time to get it (kicking and screaming) and others let go and just do it. Please know I was firmly in the first category!

This Quantum Leap is LETTING GO!

Letting Go is massive and it really is the number ONE thing that we humans struggle to do. When we are in the midst of the absolute terror of narcissistic abuse, realising the betrayals, how this person has been able to discard and replace us as if we never existed – as well as maliciously tried to annihilate us; how this person has no care towards us and the people and things we care about; and of course, also, smashed or stole so much of the dreams that we thought our life would be – the terror and pain is massive.

We have invested so much and we have probably lost so much, including resources, years and health. We may have believed that the investment was far too great to walk away from, and yet the harder we hang on the more we lose ourselves with this sinking ship.

Things keep getting WORSE; they don’t and won’t improve.

The reason why this happens is because our soul, Source and all of Life is working FOR us, hitting us as hard as it needs to LET GO; to get out of Wrong Town where we compromised our True Self, our values and our highest and best self-generative lives, and got attached to False Selves.

This is not the calling we are here for. This is not a position where we can be our True Selves, connected to real genuine love for ourselves, life and others, and generating our true soul calling and highest aspirations and soul dharmas.

Our soul and Source is always generating the experiences that will bring us home, if we stop resisting and clinging to ‘what we know’ that isn’t serving us, out of fear. When we let go, we come home to ourselves and then self-partner and align directly with the only life that was ever going to truly gratify us – the one where we are Being our True Self and True Life.

Another way to understand letting go is ‘acceptance’. This was huge for me, as I know it has been for so many of you. I was firmly embedded in the terror of narcissistic abuse, watching everything I worked for my entire life going down the drain. I was deeply identified with material and outer aspects, believing these were my Identity. I clung to these things, desperately.

When I had my breakdown on my bathroom floor, I finally realised these things were not me and that what was me was the state of my soul. I realised that the gift in my breakdown was to lose all the illusions that I thought were me, to integrate with my soul and then build a real life from there.

Thank goodness I did that and now live life from the inside out.

If it wasn’t for my letting go of all the toxic energy of fear, pain and emotional losses from narcissistic abuse and then starting to fill with Source, I would not have realised my incredible ecological connection to knowing that I’m flourished and nourished by Life and my Higher Power. It took me letting go and purposefully healing myself, to start experiencing Source and Life partnering with me too.

Before then my life has always been a ‘disconnected struggle’.

I consistently see that when people healing to Thriverhood also do this – accept the truth of their situation, let go and start to fully heal – they quickly leave the terror behind and start moving forward into fearless and healthy trajectories.

And the narcissist becomes powerless to affect them.

 

Number 3 – Release the Terror Cellularly

Number 3 is always going to be my highest suggestion – because it works so powerfully. It is, however, very useful to know the other two tips beforehand otherwise you may wish to try to hang on to the terror.

This is normal – we have been led to believe terror keeps us safe, yet it doesn’t. Terror that is left to run rampant inside you is causing all sorts of issues with your functioning. Fight, freeze and flee and the regular chemical doses of adrenalin and cortisol shut you off from the part of your brain that has contact with higher reasoning, your Higher Power, innate wisdom and the ability to attract and cogenerate support and miracle with the Field (Life).

Leaving the terror inside you means you are vibrating as emotional terror and you are metaphorically seeping blood out into shark infested waters. It feeds the narcissist energetically and psychically, allowing him or her to keep attacking you.

If you don’t believe me, I can assure you I have seen the evidence when clients in session let go of the fear and pain, then immediately receive a text message from the narcissist whom that they may not have heard from in months.

Narcissists feel the drop of the feedline and often try to hook it up again.

Truly, the greatest goal is to RELEASE and go FREE of the terror.

It’s when we do this that we understand the terror is not JUST what is happening right here and now. The narcissist has targeted and hit significant unhealed trauma in your body. Many of these were already there – including pre-birth.

These are unresolved wounds in your energy field that are epigenetic traumas (inherited from your ancestors), past life traumas (which are the unresolved abuse and fear patterns that have been going on lifetime to lifetime), and collective human traumas (those that are programmed into all of us as part of the human experience). Additionally, we have unresolved childhood traumas, that we experienced when very young, and all our accumulated adult, this-lifetime traumas, that we have suffered along the way.

When the terror hits via an effective catalyst – the present narcissist – these traumas get fully activated and resurface from our Inner Being. They can be so BIG and MULTIDIMENSIONAL that you can barely function.

It literally WIPES us out.

This is what happened to me, as I know it has to you too.

The trauma can be so overwhelming that THIS time, and maybe for the first time in our lives, it is now ‘game over’. No matter how tough or strong we are, we just can’t get up and get on with it anymore. Trauma, in the way of terror, has reached critical mass. We can no longer go forward without unpacking it.

Fortunately, I discovered that there are ways to go inside, load up and release this trauma cellularly so that we can finally live free of it – all of it. Not JUST this lifetime trauma, but all the accumulated traumas we have within us. Hence why there is an ability after narcissistic abuse, if we do the Quantum Inner Work, to Thrive more than we ever have previously.

People often ask on my blogs and in my YouTubes, ‘Yes, but how do I heal?’ Many of you have worked it out, but others still don’t know.

This is the answer: we heal by releasing our traumas from within and replacing them with our Higher Power which is True Source. When this happens we break away from traumas, false beliefs and False Selves forever.

The tool to do exactly this is Quanta Freedom Healing, which is the energy healing component in the NARP Program which has ten specific healing Modules to completely purge you of the trauma of abuse – this life, multidimensional selves and epigenetic traumas – to set you free.

It’s the exact work that I and countless other Thrivers in the Community used to heal. It literally healed within us, in many cases, what nothing else ever could or did.

You can learn more about this healing system and how to lose all your terror, pain, the susceptibilities to being abused, including the way you hand power away and all attachments, longings, obsessions and addictions towards any narcissist in your life, by signing up to my free 16-Day course.

And make sure that when you sign up that you enter my free workshop with me, which you will be notified about, because there you will get to experience a Quantum Healing for yourself, where literally together we shift terror and pain directly out of your cells. Many people report after my workshop instant relief – and I’d love you to feel this too.

So, to get started click this link.

I love how all of you are getting so involved in the intentions that you are sharing with me on my blog and YouTube comments, so how about today we say this – ‘I’m Letting Go of the fear and the pain NOW’.

If you are with me – write that below!

Because it’s time. It’s your time to heal and be free and it’s my life’s mission to help you achieve this.

And if you want to see more of my videos, please subscribe so that you will be notified as soon as each new one is released. And if you liked this – click like. Also, please share with your communities so that we can help people awaken to these truths.

And as always, I’d love to answer your comments and questions below.

 

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Watching Narcissistic Abuse Videos Won’t Heal You

Watching Narcissistic Abuse Videos Won’t Heal You

 

Have you become addicted to watching videos on narcissism and narcissists?

Were you told this too?  ‘Research as much as you can about narcissists and narcissistic abuse because knowledge is power.’

I took this advice.  But WHY did I get sicker and sicker? WHY couldn’t I STOP going back to him?

And, even though I would get relief when researching, WHY did all my symptoms return soon after?

The answer is: What I was doing WASN’T working.

If this is true for you too, then in today’s video you will discover EXACTLY why seeking information on narcissists and narcissistic abuse becomes an addition and how to break it so you can HEAL for REAL.

 

 

Video Transcript

Okay, today’s TTV episode may hit you hard, but that’s my job – to help you wake up just as I had to do for myself to heal for real.

Let’s get straight to it – watching narcissistic abuse videos won’t help you.

In this video I’m going to explain why this number one mistake that people make on their recovery journey, actually causes more damage than good. How it sucks the life out of you and completely compromises any chance of true recovery.

Watch on to discover why…

Now, before we get started, if you haven’t yet subscribed to my channel please do. And if you like this video, please make sure you hit the like button.

If you are already feeling resistant, or possibly even angry with me for saying that watching narcissistic abuse videos won’t heal you, please know that I’m going to do these following things on this video:

1) Validate that initially, yes you do need to understand what a narcissist is and what they do

2) Talk about your need to protect yourself against narcissists, which ironically is NOT about learning all about them, and

3) I’m going to explain to you exactly what will help you get well and, at the same time, inoculate you from any chance of narcissistic abuse in the future.

 

The Real Purpose About Narcissistic Abuse Information

Okay, so let’s start by going over why watching videos about narcissists only initially helps you.

The reasons are:

• So that you can put a name to this phenomenon,

• So you know that you aren’t going mad, and

• So you know you are not alone in this.

Also, it helps us to comprehend that we are not dealing with normal people who are going to wake up, stop doing what they are doing and work with us towards the common goal of mutuality, kindness, harmony and solution.

Information about narcissists delivers us the hard-hitting truth that we are dealing with a virus, a deep soul sickness – narcissism – which means this ‘person’ does not think and operate in ways that we do. They are disordered deeply within their inner being and survive by extracting narcissistic supply from others, which means they are sucking their victim’s lifeforce and resources and this is not going to stop. We are confronted with the ghastly truth – that our only hope of salvation is to get away and stay away.

And even though we may logically understand that this is our only hope, this is much easier said than done. It’s not until we take our journey deeper that we realise that information on its own is not enough.

To recover for real requires this cut off point: I realise what I have been dealing with (the broad strokes are enough) and now I need to get down to the business of saving my soul.

Truly, our recovery is that serious a task.

 

What Continued Immersion In Narcissistic Videos Creates

Let me be very straight with you about what I define ‘narcissistic videos’ as. They are videos about narcissists without handing the reflection and power back to us.

When we have serious abuse in our life, it is a wakeup call to do something much deeper – to investigate and then heal the root causes so that not only are we NEVER going to go through this again, we can enter patterns of relationship and love that ARE healthy and fulfilling.

Without exception, watching videos on narcissistic abuse after initial evidence gathered is the least effective way to heal, and I will explain to you why.

 

The Extraction From Narcissists Which Is NO Release From Them At All

It’s so interesting how so many people in abuse forums scream from the rooftops ‘educate yourself about everything there is to do with narcissists’, purporting that this will help people leave narcissists, stay away and get better.

I know this isn’t true and I cringe when I hear it. It is just a deeper immersion and embedding in it all.

We may think information about narcissists, narcissism and narcissistic abuse is fascinating, which it is, just as you may think knowing all you can about narcissists will protect you from one in the future. It doesn’t – countless narcissistic abuse experts experience one narcissist after the next.

Focusing on anything or anyone outside of what is REALLY going on inside of ourselves is a sure-fire way to stay out of touch with our own healing truths, values, boundaries and inner development beyond our wounds and old pattern of handing our power away. Staying out of touch with our ‘self’ means continuing to unconsciously conjoin with and barrel into the exact traumas and people who bring these traumas again and again.

This isn’t DESPITE of what we know about them, it is BECAUSE our entire focus is ALL about them.

It’s a massive life Quantum Law principle – wherever your focus and emotional energy (good or bad) goes, is what you will choose to attract and be attractive to.

So within, so without.

You may think that you are vehemently saying ‘No’ to something in your life, but you are in fact soaking all your cells over and over in victimised/abused peptides and creating chemical inner processes that your Inner Identity believes to be the ‘truth’ of Life. Namely abuse, the symptoms of abuse and the vileness and evil of narcissists.

These beliefs in your Inner Identity set your subconscious to manufacture trajectories that match the composition of your Inner Identity to the letter. Your experiences then continue to show you that you were ‘right’.

People who incessantly study narcissists and narcissistic abuse wonder why they continue to experience narcissists and narcissistic abuse, just the same as they wonder why any relief gained from doing it is temporary, yet the trauma and the pain and mental anguish soon returns. The temporary relief is because their addiction to this information is being fulfilled, but then what has not been addressed and healed again resurfaces – like a festering wound that is being covered over and ignored.

I understand why we do this – it’s a lot more comfortable initially to point our finger at ‘what’ happened to us and by ‘whom’, than it is to go inside and meet our own traumas.

 

The Powerlessness Of Focusing On The Outside

Haven’t we all been trained like this – to look to the outside?

I know personally before my Thriver Recovery I used to complain constantly about people who did the wrong thing to me.

My gossip sessions on the phone to girlfriends used to go like this: ‘I can’t believe that my neighbour let their friends park this car across my driveway. After everything I do for her. I’m a good person, I treat her with respect and I would never do that to her. How dare she treat me like that!’

And on and on and on and on I’d go like a total powerless victim.

Then I’d watch out my window studying how many times her friends came over, where they would park their car, if it was on my driveway – it became a daily obsession for me.

I’d be on the phone to a friend, ‘Hang on’ I’d say, ‘I hear a car pulling up. I’m going to see if they are doing it again, blocking off my driveway.’

Here’s what I know as a Thriver today. If you park across my driveway or violate me in some way, I know that I’m responsible for my boundaries and wellbeing and you’re not. So, I will speak to you and ask you to move your car or whatever else it is that I need you to do. And if you don’t, then I will take it into my hands to enforce my boundaries in the clearest, calmest way possible.

And, if I get terrified and squirmy on the inside and don’t do what I know I need to in order to take responsibility for my own life, then I will go within myself and use NARP Modules to clear out any terror, fear or insecurity, the feelings that mean I’m handing my power away to outside forces and not being a generative Source to myself.

By going within myself and using NARP Modules, I know I will be emotionally secure, fearless and clear enough to DO what I know I need to do as a calm, mature, powerful, authentic adult.

The old me before my Thriver Healing Trip used to squirm, cringe, not lay boundaries, be terrified of speaking up, and constantly avoided my own self-development by focusing intently on everything about THEM.

Why? Because I was not yet taking responsibility to meet my own inner traumas to develop beyond them.

Now here’s the thing that may blow apart your normal human understanding when people are acting like rubbish and take you to the full Quantum Understanding that is the Truth that will change your life forever…

That women blocking my driveway was a SYMPTOM of something deeper – the real SOURCE of the issue was my unhealed parts that were at that time incapable of laying boundaries and being a self-generative Source, regardless of what other people were or weren’t doing. And, if this woman hadn’t turned up in my experience showing me how I needed to heal my boundary function, someone else would have taken her place. (The truth was, this stuff was going on in my life everywhere!)

I promise you with all of my heart that narcissists and narcissistic abuse are the same…

They bring the evidence of the trauma we need to turn inwards to, and heal, in such an accentuated way there is NO missing it.

It wasn’t until I fully dedicated to quitting focusing on the problem and meeting and healing these parts instead that I was able to create a healthy abuse-free life.

How many times have we done this – focused on the problem and not know how to ‘be’ the solution?

How many times have we heard someone in our life whine and complain about someone when they haven’t even spoken to them?

A girlfriend of mine has often said how her housemates don’t help in the house. My response is: ‘You need to speak to them’. Her normal response is: ‘What’s the point they won’t listen’. And she just gets angrier and angrier.

I know that the housemates are all SYMPTOMS of my girlfriend’s inner unhealed beliefs ‘I am not important’ and ‘everything is up to me’. Until she goes directly to the CAUSE that is generating these symptoms – these beliefs playing out to the letter – nothing will shift. She will have all the excuses and justifications to stay stuck in this pattern and will keep handing her power away giving all her energy and to the problem – them.

Are you getting this?

You may think that these examples have nothing to do with narcissists and narcissistic abuse, but I promise you they have EVERYTHING to do with it.

The following section of this video will help you understand even more…

 

Education Is Not The Answer – Becoming The Solution Is

When, for over a decade, you have been in narcissistic abuse communities and worked with helping people recover their souls and lives to Thriver status (as I have), these are the kinds of powerless conversations you regularly hear from people who haven’t stopped researching narcissism and the symptoms of narcissistic abuse.

They commonly say things like this:

‘There are so many narcissists on the planet, who can I trust?’ And, ‘I would never risk opening myself to another love relationship again.’ and ‘I have the symptoms of narcissistic abuse which means that I will probably suffer PTSD for the rest of my life.’

Despite all their intent research, these people can’t open their heart to connection and unity with others intimately and they are struggling with everyday anxiety, depression and triggers.

And I promise you with all my heart that these people continue to experience narcissist after narcissist in their life, because narcissism and narcissistic abuse lives on inside of them as their everyday reality.

These are the people who have been led to believe that educating themselves about narcissists and narcissistic abuse is the answer – but it’s not. It is only miring them deeper in the problem, without granting them a solution.

The solution, clearly and obviously, is this:

Healing yourself. This means going within to find and release the original traumas, insecurities and false beliefs that are not allowing you to be a powerful, healed, solid, self-generative source that is impervious to narcissists and detoxed of the abuse symptoms. Your traumas will disappear automatically when you heal in this way because gloriously you are freeing yourself to create a higher, better and more authentic life than the one you had access to previously when you were still carrying unhealed unconscious parts.

Which is exactly what myself and countless Thrivers have done, to not only heal from narcissistic abuse symptoms but also be free of all the hooks, obsessions, pulls and binds that were keeping us in the abuse dynamic. Then narcissists lost all power against us as we became our authentic selves, showing up in authentic, powerful ways that innoculated us against being taken in or down by narcissists.

In NO way did we achieve this by researching and learning all we could about narcissists.

We emancipated ourselves by deeply and devotedly turning inwards to discover and heal all those parts of us that were wounded and susceptible.

Did this help?

Are you realising now that what you have been told to do is getting you in deeper and not out?

Are you a serial narcissistic abuse video watcher and still suffering massive symptoms like I used to also?

If so, write ‘I’m getting OUT now!’ below

If you are ready to go within, unravel and heal and truly get free of EVERYTHING to do with narcissists and narcissistic abuse and begin your REAL LIFE, then hold my hand and let’s go on this ride together.

It starts today by clicking this link to become the empowered adult you were always meant to be. 

And if you want to see more of my videos, please subscribe so that you will be notified as soon as each new one is released. And if you liked this – click like. Also, please share with your communities so that we can help people awaken to these truths.

And as always, I’d love to answer your comments and questions below.

 

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the narcissistic parent

The 10 Commandments Of The Narcissistic Parent

the narcissistic parent

 

My son walked into the room and handed me the phone. “Dad can’t talk right now; he just poured a bowl of cereal and doesn’t want it to get soggy.” My ex, who hadn’t talked to his son in twelve days, was more concerned about his cereal becoming soggy than a few moments of communication with his child. That is what it is like to co-parent with a narcissist.

In fact, there is very little co-parenting that occurs, most of your time is spent attempting to undo the damage a narcissist can do to his children. The narcissistic parent isn’t capable of “normal” paternal instincts. They view their children as objects meant to fulfill the narcissist’s needs, instead of the other way around.

A couple of years ago I found the list below on a blog that is no longer online. I’ve not read a more appropriate description of how the narcissistic parents. If you are divorced from a narcissist, I suggest you print out The 10 Commandments of the Narcissistic Parent and tape it to your frig. You will be referencing it often!

The Ten Commandments of the Narcissistic Parent:

  • I am who I tell you I am.
  • You will tell me things I want to hear or you will not be heard.
  • You will feel the way I want you to feel or you will be forsaken.
  • Love is conditional upon the aforementioned.
  • Intimacy is vulnerability, and thus, death.
  • There is only one road in and out of here.
  • Children are like toys that become useless when they break, which is why they must be replaced with better toys.
  • Parents are really one person in two bodies. When they individuate, they die.
  • Conversely, siblings are really one person in several bodies. When one individuates, that person shall be hunted down and slaughtered for the greater good.
  • Narcissism is a myth.

Let’s go over each briefly. Allow me to add my own two cents to what Jay wrote based on real-life experience.

I am who I tell you I am:

Our children learned this about their father the hard way. I don’t suppose there is an easy way! Their father would say one thing, do another and when they questioned his behavior, he would become highly offended. He thinks of himself as a loving, involved father even though he goes years without contact with his children.

In his mind, he is loving and involved but doesn’t see or talk to his children because they have the audacity to point out to him that “loving and involved” fathers behave in a loving and involved manner. Since his children are people who know he is not who he tells them he is, he chooses to surround himself with people who will believe he is who he tells them he is.

Confusing huh? Imagine being a child and attempting to intellectualize and rationalize such behavior from a parent.

You will tell me things I want to hear, or you will not be heard:

Refer to the example above. Our children didn’t tell their father he was a loving and involved parent, so he know refuses to hear anything they have to say. He ignores text messages, doesn’t respond to emails. He is completely out of touch because they failed to tell him what he wanted to hear.

You will feel the way I want you to feel or you will be forsaken:

This is the one that does the most damage. The narcissistic parent places no value on his children’s feelings. When we don’t value other people’s feelings our actions can do irreparable damage to those people. Our son was upset over something his father wrote him in an email. He responded and told his father, “Dad, when you say things like that, it hurts my feelings.”

His father responded and told our son, “I am not responsible for your feelings.” And then he went on to explain to the child just how unreasonable it was for his son to expect him to care about his feelings. You can’t tell a child in one voice, “I love you” and then tell them “If your feelings got hurt it is your fault” in the next and expect that child to not be emotionally damaged.

Love is conditional upon the aforementioned:

Yes, if a child refuses to feel the way the narcissistic parent needs them to feel, love, attention, caring, concern, all will be withheld. The bad news for the narcissist, children eventually adjust and move on.

That old saying, “out of sight, out of mind” works against the narcissist. I can, thankfully say that as adults our children rarely think about or mention their father. When you withdraw your love from someone they will eventually “let go” of their love for you.

Intimacy is vulnerability, and thus, death:

The narcissist alludes to intimacy without becoming fully engaged in intimacyTrue intimacy with another person means allowing yourself to become vulnerable, emotionally dependent.

Vulnerability and dependency are the kiss of death to the narcissist. Your child will love the narcissistic parent; the narcissistic parent is only able to love what the child can do for him.

There is only one road in and out of here:

And, it is a bumpy road! The road out is far more difficult to navigate.

Children are like toys that become useless when they break, which is why they must be replaced with better toys:

My ex replaced our children with a step-daughter. She reveres him, she extols his wonderfulness. She is much like his children were before the divorce. She will forever be the recipient of his goodness, until she questions a behavior or, disagrees with a belief. When that happens, she will learn how bumpy that road out can get.

Parents are really one person in two bodies. When they individuate, they die:

When my ex and I divorced in his mind I was dead. I was no longer an object that was of any use to him so any needs, feelings or desires I had become of no consequence to him. Since I was no longer important to him, he felt our children should view me through his eyes…I was someone who didn’t matter.

He could not co-parent with me; doing so would mean acknowledging me as an individual outside himself. To him I am not an autonomous human being, I’m something he tired of and discarded. The fact that our children love me and refused to also abandon their relationship with me plays an important role in his inability to continue to have a relationship with them.

Conversely, siblings are really one person in several bodies. When one individuates, that person shall be hunted down and slaughtered for the greater good:

When we divorced our children were 14 and 7 years old. The older child was quick to call his father out for hurtful behavior. The younger child made excuses and did whatever he could to keep his father happy. All the younger child cared about was spending time with his Dad. Due to that he detached himself from the emotional pain and focused on pleasing his father.

Our older child individuated, became separate from his brother and had to be done away with emotionally. Our older son is now 33 years old. His father has rarely acknowledged him since the divorce. He came to his high school graduation after 4 years of never attending a parent/teacher meeting, extracurricular activity, regular visitation and refusing to enter into counseling. That is the only time since our divorce that he has shown interest in our older child.

His child was “hunted down” and “slaughtered” emotionally.

Narcissism is a myth:

I believe that a narcissist knows they are different. They realize they are unable to form normal emotional attachments with others. Admitting to that difference would mean becoming vulnerable to the opinions of others. It is for that reason that most narcissists will deny their disorder.

The narcissist is awesome, just ask him. Awesome people don’t have personality disorders dontcha know? For the narcissist, any relationship problems are about YOU, certainly not about them and their awesome selves.

I tell clients who are co-parenting with a narcissist to keep their expectations low. Don’t expect the narcissist to tackle parenting with the same parental instincts they have.

And, never believe that you can “get through” to the narcissist and hold them accountable. Focus on your parental duties, be diligent in cleaning up the emotional messes the narcissist leaves behind and get your children into therapy. They are going to need it!

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