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Protecting Your Children From The Narcissist’s Damage

Protecting Your Children From The Narcissist’s Damage

 

I’m always SUPER PASSIONATE about this topic.

The reason being is because I SO want our children to heal, and for our world to shift out of narcissistic abuse patterns.

I nearly lost my own son due to my and his trauma from narcissistic abuse, so I deeply know the loss, trauma and suffering so many parents have been through or are going through.

There is nothing more devastating than watching our children be abused, neglected or manipulated and feeling POWERLESS to stop it. And, when reaching out to authorities for their help discovering, to our dismay and disbelief, that they often turn away and even further abuse us and our children.

What can we do?

Is there anything that does work in this heartbreaking and devastating situation?

Truly, there is.

Myself, and so many others, in this community, have turned around the most HOPELESSS situations you could imagine regarding what is happening to our children.

This Thriver TV episode is for you and every parent suffering the unspeakable trauma of trying to help your children who are suffering narcissistic abuse.

 

 

Video Transcript

This topic today is very serious. If you are a parent dealing with your child being hurt by a narcissist, I really want you to watch this.

Our children are precious to us, they are innocent and defenceless, and it is up to us to protect them as much as we can.

In today’s Thriver TV episode, I want to share with you why what we instinctively do to try to help our children doesn’t work with narcissists, and how to turn this around so that we can truly help our children.

And I promise you this, after going through terrible events with my own son suffering as well as helping countless adults with their children over the last ten plus years, that what I am sharing with you today works and it’s not reliant on the narcissist changing or even other people helping you.

You alone can set in motion what is necessary to protect and help your children.

Okay … so before we dive deep into the meat of today’s episode, make sure to subscribe to my channel if you haven’t already and leave a like if you enjoy this video.

 

What Not To Do As A Parent

I’m going to be really straight with you, and I know that this can be so hard to hear – but I want to do everything I can to help you and your children because I am so passionate about this topic.

Our children are our future, and if we want narcissistic abuse to stop, the buck must stop here, so that this terrible scourge of abuse / abused it is not passed down through the generations.

Of course, there is no greater trauma than watching our children suffer at the hands of another. I’ve been through it too, I know how agonising it is to feel completely powerless to stop your child being hurt. And, what usually happens to every parent going through this is, no matter how hard you try to help your child, or get them to see reason, or get systems and authorities to help, that just doesn’t happen.

This is WHY we have to work with this ANOTHER way, a way that works. A Quantum Way, where we enlist the indisputable Laws of Life that are as absolute as gravity.

I want you to know that when you do this, you aren’t powerless.

But let’s first look at the ways we have been trying to help our children, ways that only make matters worse. These were all the things I used to do too.

The first huge issue is being in JUDGEMENT of what is happening. And I know you may already be jumping up and down and wanting to throttle me, for me telling you this being in judgement to the horrible situation your children are going through with a narcissist is ‘wrong’.

I’m not saying it is ‘wrong’ I totally understand why you would see it is ‘wrong’. I personally don’t give a damn about what is ‘right’ or ‘wrong’, I’m much more focused on what is going to be effective. What I am saying is you judging this as wrong is NOT going to help your child in any shape or form, which of course isn’t the result you want to produce.

Let me explain why ‘judgement ‘doesn’t work.

A powerful Quantum Law is this:

Whatever you are in judgement about you deeply cement further in your experience.

And …

Whatever you are in acceptance of and start working WITH to transform healthily, means you can change it.

As well as, if you try to change anyone outside of you to make your emotions feel better it won’t work (including things with your children). And of course, this is the same with the narcissist when we have tried to stop them doing what they are doing to our children.

It has certainly been my personal experience that when I tried to lecture and prescribe to my child, and control what he was or wasn’t doing, that he would only push back and do it more. It was the same with the narcissist. Can you as a parent relate? If so, I’d love to hear from you about this in the comments below!

In Quantum Truth you have to shift YOUR feelings first and then everything can shift. You are in a position to be able to influence that person and situation to meet you where you already are at.

This was my 100% proof of the truth of this (and I’ve seen the same happen for many parents with their children), when I let go of damning my son’s state because of the narcissistic abuse and damage he and I had gone through, and instead accepted that his and my soul journey was perfect for his and my healing and evolution, everything shifted.

And then I got down to the business of deeply devoting and applying myself to my own inner healing to lead the way.

It was then that I stopped being distraught, lecturing, prescribing and controlling, which of course had been coming from my own inner place of brokenness and helplessness. Instead, I started to show up for myself and my son seeing and believing deep within my soul that his innate inner wisdom could and would do the same. I recognised that his journey was unfolding perfectly for him, and my greatest duty was to be as healthy as I could and lead the way.

With this orientation my son, Zac very quickly emerged from a hopeless situation of trauma fuelled addiction to awakening into his power. Not from a place of my ‘doingness’ but in response to my ‘beingness’.

 

What We Must Let Go of ‘Doing’ Whilst Trying To Help Our Children

  • Holding them responsible for our emotions
  • Requiring our children to be a certain way for us to be healthy
  • Carrying guilt and shame regarding what has happened to our children
  • Fixating on and obsessing about what is happening to them
  • Trying to fix, lecture and prescribe to them
  • Blaming and shaming our children or others in front of them
  • Telling them about ours and their victimisation and how bad other people are.

All of the above only causes more of the pain and trauma that we and our children are stuck in. It increases victimisation, which then means more victimisation happen. So within, so without.

 

What We Need To Do To Help Our Children

I go into great detail in Chapter 18 in my book You Can Thrive after Narcissistic Abuse about my journey with Zac as well as the shift from Unconscious to Conscious Parenting. And I promise you this doesn’t just happen for older children, it can for younger ones too. The truth is at ANY age, where our energy goes is where our children’s energy goes too.

It is vital that we focus determinedly on our own healing so that we can be the safe, solid, wise and calm parent who is there for our children.

I love the aeroplane metaphor – about how we are told if the aeroplane loses oxygen to always put your oxygen mask on first before assisting anyone else.

This is the worst mistake I see parents commonly make (and I made it too) they are trying to help their own children heal and get empowered when they are failing to take responsibility to lead by example. They are not first and foremost healing themselves. This is as dangerous for our children as it is someone trying to save another person when they themselves are suffocating and distressed.

If we are devastated about what is happening to our child at the hand of a narcissist and we see and feel it like this, then this is exactly what will continue as the experience we experience from our children in our experience. It’s Quantum Law – so within, so without.

However, if we have enough of our own healing underway, we are into a place of calm, power, and solidness that is much less distressing and destabilising than our previous victimhood. When we are sane and safe with enough oxygen (consciousness) then we are in a position to help our children for real.

There is also the very real phenomenon of Quantum Entanglement meaning that where our energy goes our children’s does as well, often there is nothing we must do for them to get well, as we do ourselves, they organically do as well.

And this has nothing to do with what the narcissist is or isn’t doing. What it means is even if our children are very young, they have the ability to navigate, be themselves, not be exploited by the narcissist as they were previously, and as they get older they are able to anchor into their own authenticity and true identity without the narcissist being able to derail them. No longer are they being personally poisoned by a False Self, they become a True Self, empowered, impervious to abuse and incredibly evolved, capable and flourishing.

I wrote about Beatrice, a highly dedicated Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program member, and her young son who she shares custody with a narcissist with, in my book on Page 228.

This is what she said:

“Two years ago I was a wreck; I had severe insomnia if I did sleep. At the time my son was given the labels of having ADHD, anxiety, depressive symptoms and much more. He was only twelve months old. Now he no longer has these ‘labels’, which were due to him being triggered terribly by trauma., and I can proudly say that at thirty-nine years of age, I’ve never been in better shape physically, mentally and emotionally myself.

Today’s my son’s brilliance is staggering; his comprehension of the entire situation boggles my mind., and his ability to discern situations and ‘vote with his feet’ has become so obvious that I have little concern for him navigating the world or with the narcissist … and he’s not yet four! As I have emerged, my child has show strength and fortitude well beyond his years. He is thoughtful and highly empathetic, he is quick to express his emotions and he is able to express that emotions are just sensations in his body – and he’s rather let them out! He has many wonderful ways in which he does this. After me doing the work on him by proxy, he organically and intuitively started following my lead! I am awed by him and he just gets brighter and brighter and more and more gorgeous!”

I really hope Beatrice’s story helps give you hope because we receive these messages of breakthroughs for parents and their children most days in the NARP Community.

Let’s now look at what happens for us and our children when we make the shift to lead the way:

  • We accept and bless the growth lessons our children go through and support them with love and space, rather than judgement and control.
  • We model for our children honesty, humility, authenticity, and vulnerability.
  • We show our children by example how to anchor into and create a relationship with their inner selves.
  • We teach our children detachment from unhealthy others without judgement, no longer handing our power away by making them responsible for ourselves.
  • By example, we teach our children that their inner state and power doesn’t depend on what other people are or aren’t doing.

Additionally, we:

  • Grant trust and space to see and feel that our children have the inner wisdom and resources (and they do!) to find their way, and …
  • We help them develop and grow into solid, whole actualised beings, beyond neediness, even for us!

Truly we cannot take anyone where we have not gone ourselves. Are you really starting to understand this now?

Gosh, I hope so because our and our children’s wellbeing, as well as their future generations, to evolve beyond abuse abused trauma patterns so depends on this!

 

Helping Your Children In Every Narcissistic Situation

Please know your empowerment and leading the way helps for every situation your child may be facing regarding narcissistic abuse – such as a narcissistic friend, narcissistic boss or a narcissistic spouse.

The formula is the same, heal yourself and how you feel about it and then you will find your child starts becoming what you now feel about them, coming into their true power, and/or will seek you for advice regarding their situation, where through your own empowerment you know how to guide them.

Your child doesn’t have to live with you for this to happen, truly.

Also please know this formula has also proved to be incredibly effective for parents who have been alienated from their children, in reaching peace and then being reunited through often the most miraculous of circumstances.

 

Okay, so, I can’t wait to continue this discussion and answer your questions regarding this, because as I said this is a topic very dear to my heart. I’m deeply committed to helping us lead the way for our children and changing our world.

If you are ready to take a stand for you and your children, I want to invite you to come over to my 16 Day free course, where you start healing you and your children and become the generative force leading the way.

You can get this started by clicking this link.

Okay so if you liked this video, click the like button, and if you want to see more of my videos subscribe and so you will be notified as soon as each new one is released. And please share with other parents this video, so that they can help their children for real too.

 

 

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Narcissists And Sex

Narcissists And Sex

 

Why is it that sex with a narcissist can be soooo unfulfilling?

Why is it that after such sex you could feel completely empty, dissatisfied and used?

In this Thriver TV episode I cover this off intimately …

I also want to share with you exactly what HEALTHY soul communion sex really is, and why it is sooo different to disconnected NARCISSISTIC sex.

Let’s get personal and truthful about all of this together.

After all, we are adults.

 

 

Video Transcript

Some time ago I wrote an article regarding narcissists and sex called 50 Shades of the Narcissist.

This described the intense hooking and addiction that occur with narcissists sexually, but it wasn’t the full story.

Sex can seem to be great with a narcissist when we are not self-partnered with ourselves, and my first article on sex with a narcissist was about that illusion and what we could heal to awaken from that trance. However, in this Thriver TV episode, I want to talk about how, when we are aligned enough to desire sexual soul communion, that we can identify the difference between narcissistic and healthy sex.

 

What Does Sex Mean To A Narcissist?

We know with narcissists that their greatest driver is to get narcissistic supply – meaning the energy, attention or acclaim that can momentarily grant them enough significance to escape themselves.

What this means is the narcissist’s addiction to narcissistic supply is no different to any other junkie, ‘grant me a self-medication that takes me away for a time beyond my screaming unmet unhealed inner emotional wounds.’

Sex is a very powerful way for a narcissist to do this, because that grants the ability to obtain energy, life force and copious amounts of attention from another.

 

Can We Truly Be Naked?

And here is the thing that many spiritual teachers have talked about, anyone can get naked with each other, but can they REALLY share their inner being? Can they be open, transparent and merge with another at the most divine and true level of love and connection?

Many people may say they would love that experience, yet it may not have happened for them yet. Many people may want that experience, yet are terrified of being so open and vulnerable, to partake in it. Narcissists, however, cannot comprehend, let alone meet another at this level, because sexual soul Oneness is never what a narcissist wants, or is even capable of.

To them, this equals a dissolving of their personality and thus themselves into oblivion. Other people in their life, including sexually, are merely there as objects to feed the narcissist’s internal master, the False Self, which cannot generate divinity on its own, let alone share it.

 

The Quality Of Sex We Are Having

How do we know when we are connected to someone who is sexually a devourer of life-force rather than a co-generator of divinity?

The answer is simple, our soul feels empty afterward. Regardless of whether we had an orgasm or not, something feels missing, incomplete or even ‘wrong’.

We may not want to think we were used to feed this person’s ego, without any care for our heart and soul, because this isn’t what we thought we were signing up for. But this is why we are left feeling this way.

And here is where we can get very real with ourselves regarding the quality of sex that we desire and what we are really aligning with. If we start relationships from a position of lust, without getting to know someone’s character and values and creating a platform of healthy connection with them prior to sex, then (especially if we have unhealed childhood and relationship wounds) we could be very prone to getting into a sexual relationship with a narcissist.

In a heterosexual sense, a female narcissist may be passionately performing so that she ensures your wallet will cater to her superficial egoic needs. Or maybe she’s using you to punish another lover who isn’t granting her everything she wants.

If your lover is a narcissistic male, he could be using you as a fling or someone to punish the current or ex-lover with. Or maybe he has decided how you look and what you offer fulfils his ego enough to want you as his current relationship partner.

Of course, gay narcissistic lover agendas can contain all of this, and more, as all versions of narcissism can.

You need to be very aware of who you are connecting with because the truth is narcissistic people are rarely NOT in sexual relationships. They frenetically seek them as if their life depends on it because emotionally it often does. Most narcissists desperately need an ‘intimate partner’ for regular narcissistic supply and feel dead on the inside if they are not in a relationship. Narcissists do not have their own real identity, they must always be feeding off someone else’s.

Therefore, if a relationship is struggling, they will start searching for new sources of narcissistic supply on the side. If a relationship ends, they are out dating again by the time you have boiled an egg, regardless of their professions of love.

Even in a ‘committed’ relationship, their extra curriculum is usually affairs and porn. It’s just how narcissists roll.

A narcissist may call sex with whoever it is at the time as ‘making love’ but how it feels to the other person will be the true authority.

Let’s look at the difference between narcissistic sex and true sexual soul communion.

 

Narcissistic Sex

• ‘Compliments’ you with fantasies and objectifications about you, rather than relating to you as a person.

• Sexual initiation is approached in emotionally disconnected and ‘entitled’ ways, such as grabbing your genitals or shoving one’s tongue down your throat.

• May manipulate you into sexual acts with them against your will, such as take your hand and put it on their genitals.

• Sexual communication includes objectifying your body parts, not necessarily sexual, leaving you feeling reduced to ‘a thing’ rather than a valued human. Other comments are made during sex that feel ‘weird’ ‘perverted’ and ‘off’.

• Due to porn addictions and getting stimulated from non-connected sex, a male narcissist may not be able to sustain an erection without chemical help such as Viagra.

• Due to getting stimulated from non-connected sex, a female narcissist may not be able to sustain arousal without play-acting, talking dirty or other auto-erotic stimulation.

• The sexual act itself lacks lovingness, finesse, connectedness and tenderness.

• You are used as an object for the narcissist to masturbate with.

• Narcissists speed up to gain friction to orgasm, rather than feeling conjoined and connected to climax.

• A disconnect is felt after the sexual act, and you feel empty, non-cherished and even used and violated.

Please know in no shape or form am I a prude or have any judgement whatsoever about who with or how you have sex. Also, sex in a soul connected ways does not always have to be just slow and tender! However, it really is my belief that if we desire a true soul and sexual communion that there is a need to give up lustful sexual connections for the sake of them. If you desired a healthy body and mind would you have junk as your food of choice?

If we start having sex with people believing we are having a relationship with someone who doesn’t have the same values, who isn’t really a nice person, and who we would never dream of choosing as a close personal friend, then why on earth would we think we could have happy, healthy, sacred love-making with them?

The truth is we can’t.

Now let’s look at healthy soul love-making.

 

Healthy Love-Making

• Compliments are made by addressing you as a person, like “Babe, honey, (Your name) you look fantastic/lovely/beautiful.”

• Sexual initiation is approached in emotionally connected and loving ways. Such as a genuine hug, a tender rubbing of your back or a sensual or passionate kiss.

• Includes tenderness and gentleness with a genuine intention to please and meet a partner where they wish to be sexually met.

• Your soul and body are cherished during the love-making process.

• Comments during sex are made that feel loving, connected and healthy. They heighten feelings of sexual and soul communion.

• Sexual arousal can be maintained in slow, sensual love-making as well as faster intercourse.

• Orgasm is reached through deep soul communion. Connection intensifies before and during the climax.

• The cuddling and conversation after love-making contain feelings of bliss and connection, and you feel satisfied, glowing, safe and cherished.

 

How Do We Choose Sexual Partners Healthily?

Love-making at this level is only possible when we are whole and healthy enough to take our time with people to get to know them first. Then we can know that we are connecting with someone else who is whole and healthy enough to have healthy love and love-making with.

Narcissists are empty, needy and disordered. They simply do not have this capacity. You are merely an object for them to get off with.

Be very aware that past behaviour, as well as these following sexual signs, are very real red flags.

Does this person have a past of adultery, porn addiction, and lying to exes about other sexual partners? Have they treated past people as sexual objects for their own gratification, even knowingly at other people’s expense without conscience?

If this person admits to this behaviour, it doesn’t mean they are reformed. If they say they will stop or have stopped that behaviour, you will generally be shocked to find out in the future that they can’t and won’t.

In order to align with true love and sex that will nourish and flourish your soul instead of tear it down, I strongly suggest leaving sex out of it initially. Date and court each other as friends and potential lovers and take your time.

And, ask yourself these questions before becoming sexually involved with someone:

• Is this a person who I share aligned values with?

• Is this someone who I would love to have as a best friend?

• Is this someone who I believe is a beautiful, true and good person?

• Can I see myself, plus my family and friends, spending wonderful time with this person?

• Is this a person who adds to my spirit or drains it?

• Do I look up to and respect this individual?

How will you know until you take your time to find out? The truth is you can’t … Real sexual connection depends on soul connection first, truly, and this is why we should never compromise it.

I hope this really helps and if you want to get solid and real enough to connect with your healthy true and divine lover, I’d love to help you heal beyond narcissistic love and sex. And the first step is by signing up for my free 16-day course.

I really look forward to answering your comments and questions about this VERY candid topic!

 

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How I Exposed The Narcissist’s Smear Campaigns

How I Exposed The Narcissist’s Smear Campaigns

 

Smear campaigns are some of the most horrible things that narcissists do.

The extent of the means, methods and lengths that narcissists will go to, to lie about and turn people against you is chilling.

I know that it’s very likely that you – like me – know how devastating it is to have the people who used to support you to turn against you.

And the more you try to expose the truth, the more people don’t believe you.

When this happened to me … having family, friends and colleagues and even my son side with the narcissist, I was so traumatised I thought I was going to die. I had no idea how I was ever going to win my life and key people back.

But I did …

And that’ is what today’s Thriver TV episode is all about – how I was able to finally beat the narcissist’s smear campaign and emerge not only exonerated but renewed and forever freed from the fear of being smeared again.

If you have been smeared and taken down and apart by a narcissist’s lies, then the truths in this video will be invaluable for you too.

 

Video Transcript

One thing you need to know about narcissists is that they smear you virtually in every case.

Why? Because it is unthinkable to the narcissist to take responsibility for their poor behaviour, self-reflect and do something about it.

The False Self is beyond reproach; therefore, it must be someone else’s fault, and if you have been in a toxic relationship with a narcissist, according to them, it’s yours.

Why Narcissist’s use Smear Campaigns

How a narcissist appears to other people is ‘everything’. When there is no True Self available to know self and feel whole within the self, all supply is required from others. Therefore, it is unthinkable to the narcissist to be exposed for being pathological, defective and ‘wrong’. If people were to disown the narcissist and turn away in droves, this means the narcissist can no longer extract narcissistic supply (attention and acclaim) or ‘stuff’ from these people.

In a black and white world of ‘dog eat dog’ which the narcissist’s ego is firmly entrenched in, this means that for he or she to be ‘right’, someone else must be ‘wrong’. The narcissist also believes that the best defense to their potential exposure is to crucify you publicly first.

This happened to me with narcissist number 1 horrifically, as I know it has happened to so many of you.

 

My Smearing Experience

This is what today’s Thriver TV Episode is all about … my personal story of how I got caught up so terribly in the smearing, how I fed it and got even more lined up and then how eventually I found the exact keys to break free from him smearing and reverse its effects.

The problems in my narcissistic marriage were numerous, with the most obvious being his intense jealousy and possessiveness. According to the ex-narcissist, I was constantly on the lookout for an affair, probably having one and was never to be trusted.

Those of you who have also experienced this, know how devastating it is to have ‘eyes for one person’ and nothing you can do will ever make them feel secure. His extreme jealousy and control were pathological, malicious and dangerous and it was breaking me. Yet so many people never saw the insane and violent outbursts behind closed doors. To them, he was charming, intelligent and lovely.

What people also saw was my steady disintegration, I was losing my mind, and it showed. One night I overheard him on the phone talking to a family member about my irrational behaviour and how I had terrible psychological issues. I also found out that he told one of his workmates that I was ridiculously possessive and controlling of him.

When I would confront him, he told me I had heard things wrongly, that’s not what he said at all, which of course made me feel like I was losing my mind even more. At this point of the game, I had no idea that people can make up stories about other people in such convincing ways.

And little did I know that, because he was a narcissist, he believed his own lies! As the marriage fell apart more and I was trying to get away from his emotional, mental and physical violence, I started to realise that he was dismantling my support structures.

My parents were seriously questioning my fidelity, and even my son started to side with the narcissist. Friends, including a previous best friend, colleagues and even my accountant, who had been a lifelong family friend were all deserting me and siding with the narcissist.

 

Why Narcissists Are So Believable

And this is the thing, narcissists have no conscience and boundaries. They are capable of saying literally ‘anything’ to people to get them on-side. This is what normal adults think when hearing the narcissists lies, ‘Someone who looks me in the eye and tells me this terrible information, wouldn’t make up something like this. It must be true!” And narcissists are so convincing when they do it, they know how to manipulate people and have them eating of their hands (which the ex-narcissist used to tell me how skilled he was at doing). And he was, like many narcissists.

Narcissists, unlike triggered victims, who don’t get people’s belief and support, know how to be calm, cool and collected and present a story that ‘seems’ balanced and ‘non-judgemental’. It would go something like this, “I am so worried about my wife. She is manically depressed and angry, and I’m trying to help her and suggest she gets help. Last week I discovered information on her computer about an affair she has been having. I’ve confronted her about it, and she went crazy and attacked me. I’m trying to work through this with her and I don’t know what to do.” (With of course the appropriate accompanying look of concern, care and helplessness.)

Of course, people believe this! Even people who have known you for a long time. They see how depressed, angry and fragmented you are whilst the narcissist appears cool, calm and concerned.

I love what a dear friend of mine, who works in Domestic Violence told me recently, that police are starting to be educated regarding sociopaths when they are on domestic callouts. A partner, who alleges that his partner has lost her plot and started acting crazy is NOT going to be cool, calm and collected. He will be beside himself… truly.

Yet, when smeared by a narcissist what happens is the calm person is believed and the person hugely triggered by injustice and trauma and not being believed by people, comes across crazier and crazier and has people turn away and against them.

 

Why Fighting Back Didn’t Work

That’s what happened to me, the sicker I got, the more I was smeared, and the more I was smeared, the more I lost the plot trying to prove my innocence to people who were siding with the narcissist. My entire life and support structures were all crumbling around me including certain people who I thought would never desert me. They did.

I hadn’t realised Quantum Law at this stage, the energetic truth of so within, so without.

Rather, I was enmeshed heavily in the deep, terrible trauma of the terror of what people thought of me. The injustice of lies, the narcissist’s lack of accountability, the unfairness of it all and the horrific lack of support from my people.

If we were to rate the level of my trauma about these things, it was intense. Much more like 100/10 rather than just a 10 on the scale.

How could Life be so unfair and cruel after what I had suffered? As a victim, I didn’t realise that Life was always only poised to grant me more of my Beingness, which I had firmly made about ‘what was goes on outside of me’. In ‘reaction’ to that, my Beingness was emotionally vibrating very loudly with trauma, injustice and victimhood.

Life/Source/God then granted me more of that as it always does. That’s how much it loves and responds to us, unconditionally without any judgement at all.

 

How I Defeated The Narcissist’s Smear Campaign

I believe I was truly blessed by the narcissist’s smear campaigns, for this following reason: I lost everything and everyone, and there was only one place left to turn, inwards to myself.

Before this time in my life, I had always been positioned in life as a co-dependent. My feelings and states relied on what other people and situations were doing in my life, because I hadn’t yet discovered how to create my own feelings, states and realities despite what other people are or aren’t doing.

When I did turn inside to heal, because there was nothing and no one left on the outside and nowhere else to turn, a miraculous thing happened. In my epiphany on my bathroom floor, I realised that all of this ‘stuff’ hadn’t been happening ‘to’ me it had been happening ‘for’ me.

The narcissist being a catalyst, a soul contract in my life to bring forth the painful and vital evidence regarding how I had not been whole within myself.

When I started healing the terrible traumas (100/10 in intensity) regarding smearing with Inner Identity Quantum Tools (Quanta Freedom Healing) what I discovered was what gets triggered off with most of us when smeared – ancient, past life, epigenetic and very young survival programs about the terror of ‘being wrong’.

Shocking fears of being persecuted, punished, cast out and even executed for being judged as ‘bad’ ‘wrong’ or ‘defective’. Literal terrorising survival programs that were so powerfully activated within me, that it felt like if I didn’t change other people’s ideas about me that I would surely die.

And I realised how these deep primal terrors had limited me so much from expanding and going for my life. They had caused me to people please, hand power away, not rock the boat, and they had never allowed me to be fully myself.

When I healed these fears deep inside me, what I discovered is that I didn’t care what anyone else thought of me. I no longer felt like I was going to be court marshalled, executed or abandoned by people and Life if they didn’t like me. I started to feel whole, alive and safe even though there were so many of my support structures, contacts and connections that were probably gone forever.

It didn’t matter now, because I had firmly come back home to myself.

I discovered, going forward that I was able to start speaking up, confronting things, being myself and there was no longer the angst around people judging me or believing I might be ‘bad’ or ‘wrong’.  I realised how much this had haunted me my entire life.

And, here is the BIG thing, if it hadn’t been for the narcissist bringing me to my knees regarding my terrors of what people thought about me thus bringing up my persecution programs, I would never have healed this which already existed within me.

This is the miracle that happened after this – people started turning their back on the narcissist and coming back to me in droves. My key people saw the truth. He screwed up with them, and the police caught him out! He became exposed.

The justice I wanted came, not because of anything I did, but because of my Beingness! So within, so without. When I validated and came home to knowing, believing and loving and accepting myself despite all outer conditions and regardless of what people thought about me, the outer conditions had to shift to match this! It’s Quantum indisputable Law.

 

The Quantum Way to Expose A Narcissist

I hope my personal story inspires you to know that Life can only grant you more of your Beingness. No amount of doingness from a shattered Beingness will grant you the shift you want. There is only one place to tend to regarding narcissistic smearing, inside you. To heal everything that is being triggered and terrorised by the behaviour.

Then you will discover what I did, that when you no longer require anyone else to believe you, support you or know who you are because you have shored all of that up within yourself, that is precisely when they do.

We never get what is missing, we only ever get more of Who We Are.

Additionally, you also get to evolve beyond a previous limiting belief and inner program that was stunting you in your life, in more ways that you can imagine.

Narcissists are a mega push towards our evolution, they force us to do it, and smearing is one of the ways they do.

If something inside you knows what I am saying is the way home and out of this, then let me show you the Quantum Way to heal from narcissistic abuse, the way that works. This is the way that so many people report every day on my numerous channels and in gratitude emails to our support team, and I know once you get started you can be on your way to relief, power and breakthrough too.

To get this started you can sign up to my free 16-day Course which has so many other free empowering resources for you as well.

You can sign up for immediate access by clicking here.

It could save their life emotionally and literally.

And I look forward to conjoining with you to have a conversation about your smearing experiences and any questions you may have.

 

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The 5 Types Of Narcissists To Look Out For When Dating

The 5 Types Of Narcissists To Look Out For When Dating

 

It’s very likely you know what it feels like to meet someone who you thought was kind, charming intelligent and attractive … who turned out to be a wolf in sheep’s clothing.

The whole experience and aftermath of having your life and soul terrorised by a narcissist can be so shocking, many people understandably, may never even want to attempt dating again.

It can feel terrifying!

I understand … I truly know what this is like. My previous self felt so unsafe whilst dating after narcissistic abuse.

However, after helping people recover from narcissistic abuse for the past 10 plus years, as well as committing to overcoming my own fears around dating, I was able to decipher and recognise the 5 main types of narcissistic dating approaches and know how to safeguard myself against them.

In this important episode, I share with you the 5 warning signs, which I believe can assist you to detect narcissists early on, to save yourself from the soul devastation that they bring.

 

 

Video Transcript

Today is going to be a bit of a fun day on Thriver TV … because I want to talk to you about the 5 types of narcissists that you may meet whilst dating.

These are fun if you can realise them and not much fun if you miss them!

These are things that I realised, as a result of being involved in helping others detangle and heal from narcissists over the last 10 plus years, and also as a result of my own dating experiences.

I know there are many of you out there who are very opposed to dating – the thought of it might even horrify you. Maybe you believe that your beloved should just turn up, because you don’t want to have to go through the time wasting and rubbish that goes with dating.

I disagree, and when I have been single, I have thoroughly loved dating. I find it wonderful to meet people and see where I am at with my inner programs whilst doing so.

Plus, people are awesome, and it’s wonderful to have intellectual and stimulating conversations and even end up with friends and contacts as well as of course having the goal of a love partner.

This was a far cry from my previous self. When I was filled with trauma, I was terrified whilst dating about who I could or couldn’t trust – and men triggering my fears and wounds. Now, because I don’t have those fears and wounds and because I fully trust myself to show up,  I have a ball when I date!

Even though I’m sharing 5 warning signs with you today, I really want you to know that there is absolutely no substitute for doing the inner work – period.

If we still have trauma regarding abusers and painful ex-partners that we are not emotionally reconciled over (meaning haven’t received and actualised the healing gift for ourselves that they presented us with), we can be in for a very hard time.

Going through breakups is not the same as growing through them.

If we haven’t done the work since a breakup, then we are likely to continually have disappointing and even abusive experiences with potential people, or we will not meet anyone at all that we are attracted enough to, to even consider a relationship with.

For this reason, I can’t recommend having a healing hiatus enough, known as a ‘relationship fast’, to take the time to heal and establish the most important relationship you can ever have – the one with yourself.

In my opinion, this is when you are ready to date again.

When you:

  • Are no longer traumatised by past partner(s).
  • Are feeling fulfilled, happy and content in your own skin.
  • Have purpose and a life that fulfils you.
  • No longer feel needy and lonely.
  • Are ready to share a life with someone, instead of trying to find someone to get a life.

Okay if this is you – and many of your NARP members have got to this stage of your personal love journey, known as ‘mating your own soul’ first – this is what I believe are 5 signs of a narcissist that will be very apparent early in the dating process.

And this is helpful, because narcissists can be covert and charming and get through our cracks. If one does infiltrate, it’s because they are seeking to hook you in for their own agenda, regardless of whether they are after a one-night stand or a long term relationship with you.

Let’s check the 5 main types out!

 

The Powerbroker

This narcissist is extremely overt. He or she will wear arrogance like a badge. This extremely overt narcissist suffers from a total lack of filter and appears not to care. They are easy to spot – yet people can get taken in by them regardless.

Think of the wealthy and successful or extremely ‘hot’ looking person, who uses success and/or their appearance to get what they want, including hooking people in.

What you will discover is this person barely listens to you, and really is not at all interested in what you have to say. They will interrupt constantly and spin the conversation back to themselves. This person has a delusional view of themselves that there is no one better than them – which of course is the fictitious character that they have created in their heads about themselves.

The ego understandably is massive. Therefore, this person is going to crack quite easily if they don’t receive the preferential treatment, they believe they deserve. He or she could be rude to the waiter – for example.

If we get sucked in by this type of narcissist it means that we are ticking boxes in our head, and not concerned about someone’s character or human aspects such as compassion, kindness and decency.

Of course, a relationship with someone like this is going to be horribly disappointing and unfulfilling.

 

The Grandstander

One step away from the overt Powerbroking Narcissist is The Grandstander. He or she is someone who pretends to listen attentively, but you will notice that they are only listening to get some information to spin it back to being about them or someone they know.

This person is a bore, who doesn’t ask any further questions about you and is not interested in your life or who you are as a person. Again, you are only going to be an object to feed their ego and will be involved in a very unfulfilling one-sided relationship with someone who is this self-absorbed.

This is not a person you will share a deep connection of soul mutuality with, or real love. This person will also be highly entitled and lack empathy drastically.

 

The Factfinder

Here we have a more covert and higher-functioning narcissist, and one who is harder to detect.

This narcissist seems totally interested in your life and will ask questions, as well as additional questions, whilst listening attentively. The purpose of this is to cunningly find out information about you. This person may also grant you compliments and mimic your body language to get you to trust them.

This narcissist is looking for an ‘in’, something about you that has hurt you in the past and then appear to be the person who can fulfil this ‘gap’ for you. For example, you might tell them how partners in the past have cheated on you.

This narcissist then knows, if they tell you convincingly that monogamy is a big value for them, they may have you hooked.

It’s vital when meeting people dating to be an empowered person and come across as a healthy adult looking for a partner, rather than a wounded child in an adult’s body subconsciously seeking a parent – because this is a huge green light for narcissists to swoop in and claim you as their next supply.

Take note that this is one of the most sneaky weapons, highly malignant narcissists use, and unless you are powerful, solid and whole in your own body – then you may act like a person is a desert who just found their oasis and dive straight on in.

Of course … not realising that you have just entered treacherous waters.

It’s so interesting when you have a date with a narcissist and watch them try to be The Factfinder, and they get stumped, confused and highly put off when they can’t find a weakness within you.

They know they can’t hook you and the date ends with you saying, ‘No I’m not interested in another date’, leaving and punching the air with excitement because you are so empowered that you didn’t get sucked in.

 

The Lovebomber

If we are needy, empty and hungry for love we may be highly susceptible to this idealistic, fantasy lover who is a match made in hell, not heaven.

This is the intensely charming type of narcissist. This narcissist comes on hard and heavy with proclamations of undying love. He or she will tell people they had a dream about them being their soul mate, or was told by a psychic, or by God that the love of their life would look like you, etc.

Why would a narcissist do this – because they are desperate. They are very low on narcissistic supply and need to move things along very quickly. If they find a target empty enough to eat that malarkey up – they can quickly get supply.

Please know romantic books, fairy tales and movies have not done us many favours. Yes, we all know of the healthy ‘love at first sight’, quick hook up stories – occasionally they do exist. But if you are in this community watching this video it is because you have serious abuse programs and patterns to heal and have suffered painfully in relationships.

Therefore, you would be as safe as getting into a relationship like this as you would jumping off a cliff. We all need to grow up, be adults and realise that healthy people don’t do instant relationships and love-bombing. They take their time to get to know people – they ascertain people’s character, values and life before letting them into their hearts, homes, bodies and souls.

If someone acts like this with you – then truly they are not healthy – and neither are you if you accept this version of fickle, manipulative love.

 

The Boundary Pusher

When you start dating someone you must retain your boundaries. If you have your own identity and life this wouldn’t be hard to do, because this is already your life. You won’t just drop everything to be with them – and nor should you.

This is vital in your defence against narcissists because most of them will not tolerate you having your own life, pastimes and interests – it has to be all about them.

If someone tries to pull you away from your necessary life, and guilt or schmooze you into spending more time with them – or appears needy when you want time alone or away – this is not a healthy adult that you wish to have a relationship with.

Emotionally solid adults want to support their partner’s interests and allow them and encourage them. If anyone is not being this person, do not consider a relationship with them.

If you do, your boundaries will be eroded, and you are potentially entering a highly abusive and controlling relationship.

 

How To Empower Yourself

Be very aware, these five ways a narcissist can present, can be the same narcissist with different people. Narcissists read you, they are chameleons who will be whatever they need to be to get narcissistic supply.

Therefore, I hope that you understand how your fullness, self-love and respect and boundaries are everything. This is about your inner healing and development.

Because if you haven’t done the inner work – even though you may recognise some of these things – you may say to yourself ‘Ill just let it go for a little while to see before I say something’ or ‘I’m not sure he or she is really doing that – I’ll give them some more time to decide’ or make other excuses.

By which time it is far too late, you could be hooked and signed up for more narcissistic abuse in your life.

Wouldn’t it just be much better to be an empowered, healthy dater?

I’d love to help you achieve this – as I have many women and men, as well as myself, to date in confidence and truth … thus able to meet awesome healthy people!

The first step is to sign up to my 16-day free course which includes a ton of free resources, as well as a workshop with me, where you will experience the subconscious reprogramming super-tool Quanta Freedom Healing – which fast-tracks healing from abuse more than anything else I know.

Get free access to my 16 day recovery course here.

And, as always, I look forward to having a discussion with you below about this topic!

 

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9 Hoovering Techniques Narcissists Use To Hook You Back In

9 Hoovering Techniques Narcissists Use To Hook You Back In

 

I know what it’s like (and you might too) to FINALLY hear what you needed to give a narcissist another chance.

Yet … EVERY time we do, our stomach sinks, we start feeling uneasy and before long, we can’t believe what we signed up for.

Things haven’t changed!

He or she is not acting better and not only are we back at square one, we are also even more traumatised, shattered and hooked in than we were before.

You might have heard of the term ‘hoover’.

This is an expression used to describe a toxic person sucking you back into a relationship for their own self-serving gain.

It’s definitely NOT about loving and caring about you.

Narcissists have some very clever tricks in their tool bag, that can make you give them chance after chance, and even hook you back in against your will.

In this Thriver TV episode, I’ve included the 9 hoovering techniques I’ve seen used the most regularly by narcissists, over the last ten plus years.

Some of these you may already know about and others, because they are insidious and sneaky, you may not have even thought of!

I really want to share this episode with you today so that you are armed, prepared and are hoover-proof – meaning you will never sign up for more abuse and punishment ever again.

 

 

Video Transcript

 

One of the most confusing and painfully difficult things about narcissistic people is that when you’ve had enough, it is common for them to try to hoover you back in.

The expression ‘hoover’, comes from vacuum cleaners, meaning to suck something in. This is what narcissists do, they act pathologically and in ways that get under your guard to suck you back into the relationship. Their reasons are not about reform, amends, ‘seeing the light’ or genuine love, rather this is about retaining narcissistic supply, the drug necessary for a narcissist to emotionally survive.

Hoovers can occur at any time after you try to leave the relationship, or at any time when you are trying to pull away and get away. A hoover may come immediately, in an hour, day, week or even years later.

By very clear that hoovering can be done by narcissists, even after they have discarded you.

The hoover may come quickly if a narcissist has not yet decided and/or acquired a new source of supply to jump ship onto yet. If the hoover comes after an amount of time, it’s because other replacement sources of supply have dried up, or not worked out.

Let’s get very clear there is no compliment in being the narcissist’s object of a hoover because if you go back into the relationship, things are going to become so much worse. The narcissist will start maliciously punishing you for trying to leave the relationship; he or she will try to incapacitate you worse than before, so that next time it will be the narcissist’s decision to end it, not yours.

Be very clear, if you are with a toxic person who acts narcissistically, you are in a cycle of violence. Meaning there will be a make-up period where things seem better again (honeymoon period), tension builds, an abusive event happens, damage and devalue and discard occurs, then the makeup happens again.

These cycles never change with narcissists, other than become more frequent and dramatic and violent in nature (and please know violence does not have to be physical).

What you will discover after reconnecting with a narcissist, is that within a short amount of time your Inner Being is screaming out “I made a mistake this feels terrible” (it knows!) and the real evidence is usually not far behind.

Isn’t this the same for anyone who reconnects back with a drug, cigarette, drink, or addictive habit that is destroying them?  We may have all the excuses why we can handle it, and it’s not so bad, yet just like with a narcissist, that’s not the truth of things. And until we deeply heal ourselves, at our core, from the reasons why we are tempted to self-medicate our traumas with abusive objects and people, we may feel powerless to break these cycles.

The good news is, thank goodness, we can heal from and break these terrible self-defeating cycles, and I’m going to share with you how to get that started at the end of this video.

The most toxic and traumatic of relationships include hoovering, which happens often within daily conversations, especially text messages – where you are being gaslighted, confused, guilted, possibly dumped and then reeled back in. Narcissists, if you are traumatised and not self-partnered and focused on healing yourself in your body, can play with you mercilessly like a cat would a mouse on a string.

Many people think hoovering is just pleasantries; flowers, gifts and apologies and promises. It’s not. It’s whatever the narcissist deems necessary to fulfil their self-serving agenda which is to suck you back in and control you again.

Let’s go through the 9 most common methods of hoovering that I usually hear about and have experienced myself.

 

#1 Telling You the One Thing You Needed to Hear

Generally, the people who get with narcissists are nice people. We like to tell people the truth and speak up and give them a chance. Until we heal and learn to stop codependently trying to fix people so that they can be healthy enough for us to be with, we may have done this ad-nauseum with the narcissist: over and over and over, lecturing and prescribing to them what we need from them to ‘get it’, ‘stop it’ and treat us differently.

Of course, the narcissist has been resisting, twisting and turning and not granting us what we need from them, so eventually after days, weeks or months of having had enough and not getting any validation of our feelings or needs, we may walk away.

Then magically the narcissist ‘gets it’ and tells us what we need to hear right on death-knock.

Mind you, as all good co-dependent fixers we are, we may even have had to put the words into the narcissist’s mouth for them, but somehow we believe we have heard what we needed to and reconnect.

Experience tells us these cycles happen repeatedly, and the narcissist had no true desire or resources to change their behaviour.

The bottom line is this: relationships that don’t reflect integrity, decent values, respect boundaries or care for another’s emotions, are abuse.

 

#2 Promises for the Future

A hoover may come from a narcissist promising to get help, make an effort, look at their stuff, align with our values, do this, do that, agree to have children, get married … whatever it is.

These are carrots dangled to hold us in, thinking ‘I’ll give you a chance and some time to see if you follow through with these things you are promising.’

Of course, these things don’t happen, and the narcissist never had any intention of fully committing to what you wanted. Their life is not about that, it’s about brokering the deals that are firmly in their favour only.

 

#3 Appeal to Your Compassion and Sentimentality

Virtually every person who a narcissists mines for narcissistic supply is a good-hearted, giving, caring person.

If a narcissist suffers some tragedy in their life (real or fabricated) this is an opportunity for them to reach out in a hoover, to use your good heart as your weakness to break No Contact.

Sentimentality is another powerful tool, telling you things like their children, or even pet, who you were very close to misses you terribly, as they do too.

You could be very susceptible with this, if you are struggling with the separation or if they send you a message about a memory together, or a photo, or something that brings back the feelings of your connection.

A narcissist may start sobbing in front of you as a result of losing you. Your natural inclination might be to hold and soothe them, and this can be a very big danger. I myself have given in to this hoover with toxic people more times than I can count, where the thought for my own wellbeing and safety went out the window whilst trying to caretake theirs.

A narcissist may go as far as to send you flowers, expensive gifts, give you a marriage proposal, whisk you away on a romantic weekend, whatever it takes. The narcissist may hold your hands and look you in your eyes with undying love.

This type of hoover generally comes when you have meant it, it’s over, and the narcissist must bring out the big guns to try to win you back.

In my experience and with what I have viewed with so many others, if the narcissist had to go to these lengths to win you back then the punishment that is coming, if you reconnect, is obscene. The narcissist hates having to act and behave so vulnerably, and his or her False Self will demand total obedience from you, which of course can’t be appeased.

 

#4 Apologies and Feigning Taking Responsibility

It’s a powerful hoover when a narcissist admits they have issues, takes responsibility, apologises for their behaviour and says they will change.

At first, because you might believe narcissists don’t take responsibility for their action, and will never apologise, this could throw you into thinking ‘He or she can’t be a narcissist.’ You may be tempted to take it on face value, heave a sigh of relief and think they have come to their senses.

I strongly suggest not taking it at face value. Give it a push with a stick and tell the narcissist that you need evidence, and you won’t reconnect until you see progress and can believe it. Words are no longer enough for you. Hold your ground, don’t reconnect, and see how genuine their statement is.

Generally, the narcissist will unravel very quickly and start telling you how terrible you are to not believe them, complete with accusations about all your issues. And there you have it! The narcissistic three-ring circus starts up again very quickly, on a hair-line trigger.

The narcissist was never concerned about showing how he or she could durably change and earn your trust again, as a decent, real, accountable person would. This was only about telling you whatever it would take to hoover you back in.

Now let’s look at the next level of hoovering that isn’t about niceties. The narcissist can employ these tactics because the niceties didn’t work, or the narcissist refuses to stoop to such a vulnerable level.

Possibly these levels could swap around. The narcissist tried all the nasty, bullying stuff first and then when that didn’t work, pulled out the ‘nice hoovers’.

 

#5 Random Cryptic Messages

These could be a “Hi, how are you?” or a cryptic message containing some random statement that you may even think was accidentally sent to you, or something completely unrelated to what you think a ‘normal’ person would message you with.

Maybe you have been purposefully ‘pocket dialed’ by this person.

All, of course, designed to test the water, get your head ticking and hopefully get you to message back.

 

#6 Guilt and Blame

This is the: ‘I was going to leave you first before you left me’ message. Telling you all the reasons why the relationship was your fault, and you were to blame and what a bad person you are. It may be the typical ‘good riddance to bad rubbish’ ‘I don’t want anything to do with you anyway’ message.

Generally, this comes after the narcissist has tried to unsuccessfully hoover you in another way or knows that they have screwed up that badly that niceties are just not going to cut it for you.

If you are incensed about the narcissist taking zero responsibility and twisting it all back on you, you could be hoovered back in again.

Don’t fall for it.

Let the narcissist think or proclaim anything they want to. Nothing you say or do is going to make a scrap of difference. Your resolution lies directly with your self-parenting and healing between you and you.

 

#7 Threaten You

The nasty bullying, more criminal type narcissists, can use threats to keep you connected or force you to go back to them. Things like: “I will take the house and kids”, “I’ll ruin your business” and “I’ll use this information about you to blackmail you if you try to leave”.

We may give in to this fear, wanting to buy time, or save ourselves from the terrible destruction we just aren’t strong enough to face. I promise you, after having lived through this myself, that the fear doesn’t stop until we heal on the inside and take our power back.

If you are in a dangerous situation, it’s very important that you reach out for support through your community, people who you trust and the domestic violence resources that are available for you. Be as calm, clear and together as you possibly can at these times, so that you are heard and met by those who can help.

 

#8 Abandonment

A narcissist, after a failed hoover attempt, may try this tactic, retract the desire and effort to reconnect with you, spin on a dime and tell you they are leaving and that he or she is ‘done’, and promptly hang up, stop texting or exit the scene.

If you are still suffering the inner terrors of being rejected and abandoned, this one could trigger you into a panic and make you want to reconnect.

This used to be very big for me. It was a sure-fire way to suck me back in until I healed with the NARP work those parts of me that were very susceptible to this. Maybe this one has detonated you into reconnecting to a toxic person too.

 

#9 Making You Doubt and Question Yourself

There are many gaslighting techniques narcissists can use in communication with you after a breakup.

He or she may convince you to stay in contact and that you can be friends. Maybe the narcissist will tell you they wish the best for you and care about you. They may even say you have their blessings and they want nothing more than for you to be happy moving forward in your life.

This person may even offer assistance with things, which keeps you hooked in so that they can pick you up and use you for supply again.

You might start to question yourself and think that the relationship issues weren’t that bad and that this person is a good person. Maybe you got it wrong about them.

Narcissists, especially altruistic narcissists, use these methods to reel you back in. It’s not genuine at all.

Be very very clear it is not normal after breakups to stay friends with someone, and it’s not healthy. Healthy people don’t want to do this. They want to take space to heal and will respect you and allow you the space to heal as well. Maybe in time, you can have some sort of healthy non-connected relationship (with people who are not narcissists), but initially, there is absolutely no value, health or growth in staying connected to anyone after a breakup – especially someone who is toxic.

So, all I all we can see that there are many ways a narcissist can get under your skin and hoover you back into a relationship. This is why absolutely No Contact and blocking every way a narcissist can contact you, or at the very least strict Modified Contact through third party communication (only if absolutely necessary such as in the case of parallel-parenting) is vital.

Naturally, initially, we do have all sorts of traumas, hooks and emotional enmeshments and dependencies with these people that make us highly susceptible to being hoovered back in, and these are exactly why we need to self-partner and heal these within our own inner being to get free of any hoover susceptibilities.

Then I promise you, you will be as tempted to pick up a contact attempt as you would to nail yourself to the back of a slamming door. Which in many ways might be less painful!

I know a lot of you have been through repeat hoovers or are terrified about giving in if it happens to you, and And is why I’d love to help you heal and become totally hoover-proof.

You can get that started today, and put an end to the insanity, by connecting to my 16-day free course which includes an invitation to a healing workshop with me, a set of eBooks and so much more. To access these, just click the link on the top right of this video.

And if you want to see more videos make sure you like and subscribe, so you get notified as soon as each new video is released.

So, until next time … keep healing, keep smiling and keep thriving because there’s nothing else to do.

P.S. I just want to say, to all our Thrivers in the United States I hope you have a lovely Thanksgiving.

Words can’t express how much I love and appreciate every one of you in this incredible community!

If you are going through a difficult time this Thanksgiving I want you to know that you will get through this. Take care of yourself, dedicate time to healing you, and I and this community are here, standing by you to help you get out to the other side.

As always I look forward to your comments and questions about this very important topic!

 

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12 Ways Narcissists Behave Like Children

12 Ways Narcissists Behave Like Children

Narcissists’ behaviors can be mystifying and maddening if you expect them to consistently act like adults.

Though narcissists can behave like adults much of the time, when they feel embarrassed, ignored or inferior they may revert to a childlike state, acting like children during the “terrible twos.”

In a way, this regression makes sense. Narcissistic personality disorder or a narcissistic style often develops due to early trauma or family influences that can leave aspects of a person stuck at an emotionally young age.

For example, picture a young child caught with his hand in the cookie jar when told to wait until after dinner. Children respond to such situations with one or more of a dozen instinctual responses. By the same token, adult narcissists use sophisticated versions of these same childlike responses.

As you read through the following examples, you may want to think of a narcissist in your life and note any similarities with how the narcissist you know responds when feeling stressed, slighted or thwarted.

What a child caught with his or her hand in the cookie jar might do

1) Deny they did it

“I didn’t eat one. I was just looking for later.”

2)  Blame someone else

“But sis said it was all right and she had one too.”

3)  Pretend they don’t know what you are talking about

“What cookies?”

4)  Throw a tantrum

5)  Say they had no choice

“I was so hungry I couldn’t help it.”

6)  Recite good things they have done

“But yesterday I put all my toys away. Aren’t you proud of me?”

7)  Cry or act like a victim

“You’re so mean to me. It’s not fair.”

8)  Hide or run away

9)  Try to charm you

“But I love you so much, Mommy.”

10)  Change the subject

“Can I go outside and play?”

11)  Ignore you or stonewall

12)  Get mad at you for catching them

“Stop spying on me!”

 

Such childlike responses bear an uncanny resemblance to the key tactics narcissists use to avoid responsibility and manipulate others:

  • Denying
  • Blaming
  • Pretending
  • Acting out
  • Making excuses
  • Seeking credit
  • Playing the victim
  • Running away
  • Charming
  • Distracting
  • Stonewalling
  • Attacking

Recognizing the childlike nature of narcissists’ responses can empower you when dealing with narcissists. The next time you find yourself confused or on the defensive by a narcissist’s behavior, envision him or her as a two-year old in an adult body. Doing so can give you perspective and allow you to respond rather than react.

If an adult narcissist acts like a child, perhaps you need to treat them as you would a child. As an adult or parent, you can see through children’s attempts to avoid blame and shame. You don’t take it personally but you also set healthy limits, as that is in their best interests as well as yours.

The difference with adult narcissists is they have more power than children. Their tactics can affect you and pose danger. You have to choose your responses wisely. Here are some strategies that can help:

Give them choices

If you take your child to a crowded restaurant when you’re in a hurry, you give the child choices. Instead of asking what they want to eat, you say “Do you want pizza or a PBJ?” Similarly, suggesting options or choices to an acting-out narcissist may let them think they are in control but can move the situation along.

Have realistic expectations

You don’t expect a small child to act in a mature adult fashion. Similarly, you are generally not likely to go wrong by underestimating a narcissist’s level of maturity. You don’t have to tolerate abusive behavior. But expecting emotional maturity from a two-year-old — of any age — will just leave you frustrated.

Don’t take it personally

You don’t take a two-year-old’s pouting personally. They are in the throes of emotions they haven’t yet learned to contain or soothe. Similarly, narcissists generally cannot contain their feelings when they are embarrassed or disappointed. Recognize that they are awash in emotions that to them are so huge they cannot cope in a mature fashion.

 

Photo credits
Upset princess by MN Studio
Tantrum kid by Lorelyn Medina
Covering ears child by Sharomka
Steaming mad boy by Pathdoc



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Why Narcissists Devalue You

Why Narcissists Devalue You

 

Narcissists are NASTY people.

Yes, absolutely they can be delightful …

But, when they lash out … all bets are off.

No matter what you are doing they find fault; the ways to criticize you, put you down, bring up your most painful wound and throw it in your face, go over again what you seemingly did to them that can never be forgiven … and the list goes on and on.

All of which makes you doubt yourself and seriously question your own integrity, intentions, and identity.

And … if the narcissist in your life isn’t critical verbally, there are things they do that still hurt you immensely, leaving you feeling devalued, insignificant and not worthy of their care or attention.

If we are hanging out with pathological people who are sucking our life-force dry and projecting their wounds onto us, we get sick.  And, then we are more confused because we are ALSO acting like a triggered, angry, uncaring and nasty person.

How do we cut through the fuzz and confusion about what is really going on with being devalued by a narcissist?

How do we get clear this is the stuff THEY do and it’s NOT our fault?

I believe it starts by understanding WHAT they do and WHY they do it.

Then … its firmly about us taking our power back in these situations.

Today’s episode is all about waking us up, out of our trance, to do what we need to do to escape and break the terrible spell of being devalued and destroyed by narcissists.

 

Video Transcript

One of the things that make it so horrible to be in close proximity to narcissists is how quickly they can turn on you, and seemingly on a hairline trigger. Narcissists find fault with you so easily, and really for no good reason.

Let me give you examples.

You do something for the narcissist, whether it be mowing the lawn, washing their car, or going and picking something up for them. A normal person would thank you and be grateful for your efforts. Yet, the narcissist finds fault. Something about what you did and the way you did it was apparently wrong. You didn’t whipper snipper the edges enough, you missed some dirty bits on the car, and you should have been doing something else other than picking up that parcel for them.

You find yourself twisting into all sorts of shapes trying to make this person happy, and you justify yourself regarding the brutal critique, fend off the comparisons to how other people do it so much better than you, and feel the intense devastation that no matter what you do, with the best intentions, it’s not good enough for this person.

 

Yet He/She Can Be So Lovely

Yes, maybe at times, this person is happy and an absolute delight. And you heave a sigh of relief because for now there is a reprieve. Here is the delightful person who is a joy to be around, funny, charismatic, attentive and loving.

In the case of a narcissist, this is generally for one of two reasons. Either this person has received a big ego hit of narcissistic supply and is high on their favourite drug, or they are positioning to get what they want. Narcissists ‘nice’ actions are generally agenda based. It’s about giving to get something.

You may see more of this ‘delightful person’ in the earlier days, and much less as time goes on. Later down the track, as the cracks in your relationship turn into massive gaping fissures, this person may show up less and less.

 

Why Do Narcissists Devalue You?

Toxic people are unhealthy and nasty, full stop. Hurt people hurt people, full stop.

The following are the reasons why this happens:

If someone is clogged up with unmet, unhealed inner trauma, and they have a stunted True Self, which is a buried, disowned, abandoned inner child and a fictitious False Self, placed at the helm to take over, this person has huge ego defences that come into swing each time they feel triggered into internal pain.

Truly, if someone is not at one within themselves and not feeling whole as their own source of love, approval, security and survival emotionally, they are not happy, period.

The narcissist doesn’t self-partner and is not connected to themselves in self-loving, self-supportive ways when required. In times of anxiety, rather than admitting this and meeting and being loving with inner erupting wounds with evolved and self-generative self-talk like “(Narcissist’s name) I’m really proud of you and you are doing a great job” or “(Narcissist’s name) what do you need from me right now?” Or (Narcissist’s name) I believe in you, and I fully know that you will work out what is best to do for the highest good in this circumstance.” The narcissist is completely disconnected from themselves, and their self-talk is delusional, arrogant, outer focused and toxic.

It’s designed to self-medicate and bypass the trauma instead of dealing with it, which is what loving self-talk and a commitment to do the deep inner work to heal does.

The inner-narrative goes something like this: “(Narcissist’s name) you are so hot. That girl/guy looked at you like they wanted you”, or “(Narcissist’s name) you know you are so much better than them. They all envy you and think you have the best partner, life, body, home (whatever it is)”.

The narcissist is always looking outwards for inner relief, and it’s a bottomless pit. It can only ever grant the False Self a temporary quick fix and will never hold or heal or fulfil their inner being.

The narcissist’s inner being, just like everyone’s inner being, is waiting for self to turn inwards and come home. That’s True Source, and everything else is a substitute.

Because of the narcissist’s gnawing inner chasm, never getting held, loved or healed to wholeness, the narcissist is in a constant state of anxiety. There is chronic, toxic neediness taking place.

The narcissist’s outer seeking ego screams this: “I need you to comply. I need you to take my pain away. I need you to do exactly what my unrealistic, overentitled expectations require from you. I need you to obey. I need you to be subservient. I need you to go over and above the call of duty to confirm my significance, and I need you to cop my crap whenever I feel angry and need to blame someone else and lash out.” “And if you don’t cop it, then I’ll find a way to punish you until I’ve offloaded enough of my inner rage to try to get relief.”

Narcissists are playing out malignant, toxic projection. It is the disowned, unhealed parts of themselves that are eating them alive. To try to survive these inner wounds, which the narcissist has no intention of meeting, holding, feeling and healing, they are superimposed onto you instead, and then the narcissist tries to destroy them which means you are lined up and attacked.

If you have ever wondered why things going wrong in the narcissist’s life are your fault and why they accuse you of exactly the atrocities that they commit, now you know why. And the creepy thing is the narcissist truly believes that you are the culprit of these behaviours. They are completely unconscious to any other reality.

The only way that a narcissist would wake up from their trance and come into the consciousness of the truth, is if the narcissist admitted there was something wrong with them that they needed to heal and turned inwards and took full responsibility for their inner traumas that are detonating their unhappiness, rage and angst.

 

Am I the Problem?

And it all gets so messy when you are caught up in this dynamic with a narcissist because it is really hard to decipher who is who in the zoo. You know you are rageful, detonated, anxious and thrown outside of yourself trying to control what the narcissist is or isn’t doing to try to feel better.

When we hang out with sick people, we get sick, period.

If you are spending time with a person who is a pathological liar, manipulative, agenda-based, energy-sucking (attached because of what is in it for them), conscienceless and has an inability to have empathy, be remorseful and change their abusive behaviour, you are being violated and damaged, and you will start to behave like someone who is violated and damaged.

You may also be hugely confused by what is happening and even think that you are to blame because the narcissist is telling you this. If you suspect that you are being narcissistically abused, yet this person doesn’t rage at you and criticise you, you may wish to see information about the Altruistic Narcissist, so that you get clarity. 

Being devalued by a narcissist doesn’t have to be raging and criticising. It can be having no care for you or your things, rights and needs. It may be objectifying you and having no interest in you as person. It may be pathologically lying and doing things behind your back, that would hurt you, without remorse or conscience.

 

Personal Responsibility As Adults

The following is the narcissist’s catch-cry: “Because of you I have endured this”, “Because of you this happened to me”, “Because of you I suffered this … missed out on that … etc., etc.” If you have been narcissistically abused, I know you have heard this.

We can learn a lot from this Wrong Town premise that narcissists play. We can fall into the trap of taking responsibility for another adult’s happiness that can never be fulfilled by us because it’s their job. We can only add to what they have already created within.

We also need to recognise where we are also hanging on trying to make this person responsible for our own wholeness, namely our sense of self-love, approval, security and survival, the commodities we have not yet created as solid within ourselves.

None of us are children anymore, without decision-making power, reliant on someone else for our life. Growing up and being an adult means healing ourselves to self-responsibility without guilt or neediness.

This is the part without guilt: “Okay narcissist, I know you fully believe I’ve ruined your life. Rather than me try to justify and fix that anymore, or feel guilty regarding your accusations, I grant you permission to leave and find someone else to give you what you want.”

This is the part without neediness: “And, I give myself my own blessing to stop trying to get blood from a stone so that I become my own healthy, decent, kind and honest self-generative source, and form relationships with other real people who do have the resources to be healthy.”

Of course, this is all easier said than done, and the reason it is, is because we have our own unmet unhealed traumas from our childhood that are keeping us in this toxic game. And, until we wake up from our own trance, which can only happen when we stop looking outwards and instead turn inwards to heal and change the only person we do have the power to, the horror and pain doesn’t stop.

Eventually the devaluing will lead to the narcissist’s full and brutal discard, or we will end up so broken that we will need to leave or die, and then we run a very big risk of simply taking our unhealed traumas with us, trying to survive the narcissistic abuse symptoms that live on inside of us.

That’s barely living let alone Thriving.

Here’s what we need to do to get out of this nightmare: turn inwards to face the traumas responsible for us staying with what is more of the same, the patterns as children of being stuck in handing our power away trying to be loved. Things like trying to earn love and approval and never feeling good enough no matter what we did. Or, walking on broken glass trying to appease unavailable, anxious, empty, angry, addictive or abusive people so that they might finally love us healthily and safely.

When we go within, meet, hold and heal these trauma patterns within, then we come out of this no longer a match for more of the same.

Our confusion also goes. We know everyone can have a bad day and not act nicely, yet we know whether they are a good person.  This is very different from someone chronically devaluing you, whilst you get even sicker trying to organise yourself around their pathological unresolved wounds.

So, if you have had enough of this and even if you are in confusion and not sure what is really going down, know, either way, that starting to meet, find and heal your inner wounds will start granting you salvation … the clarity, power and relief you need for this cycle to stop.

And, I’d love to help you connect to your real Thriver Healing, with my free 16-day course which includes a healing workshop with the super-tool Quanta Freedom Healing, a set of comprehensive eBooks and so much more.

Click here to get free access to the course.

I look forward, as always, to answering your comments and questions below!

 

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The 5 Traits That Make You Susceptible To Narcissists

The 5 Traits That Make You Susceptible To Narcissists

 

Narcissists know how to target, charm and ensnare people.

Soooo many of us, despite being smart, capable and even highly successful people in so many areas of our lives, were taken in.

And … so many of us shook our heads, threw our hands up into the air and exclaimed –

“WHY is this happening to me?!”

I was there, and I know you, more than likely, have been as well.

Why DIDN’T we see it coming?

How on earth did we let ourselves be BLED DRY of our time, energy, money, resources and health?

How was it possible that we stayed attached to these people who spoke to us, and treated us in the WORST ways we could ever imagine?

I promise you there are deeper REAL reasons for this, that are impossible for you to discover, learn and free yourself from … until you get deeper.

These things aren’t obvious or logical, and looking around in your outer life will not grant you any clues.

You will only discover them if you turn inwards to your inner landscape.

Which is exactly what today’s video is about – taking you on a journey inwards to identify the 5 traits that capable, lovely and intelligent can people have, making them easy and tasty targets for narcissistic predators.

 

 

Video Transcript

My work is always about empowering you so that you take your power back and become a force who is not susceptible to narcissists. This isn’t possible just by finding out information about them and staying clear of them. The truth is narcissists haven’t just infiltrated your life now, additional ones could turn up anywhere in your life.

There is a wonderful expression that I love, ‘When we are no longer afraid to walk under ladders, there will no longer be any ladders on our path.’ I want you to understand our job is NOT to look out for narcissists and avoid them. That would mean we can’t be out in life conjoined with living. It would mean you are afraid, on the lookout, shrinking, holding back and not being you.

And the worst thing of all is, you are dreading coming across another narcissist which is always a sure-fire way of getting involved with one again. Whereas, if you don’t give a crap about running into one and you are fully and powerfully yourself, it no longer even matters who is a narcissist or not.

People say to me “This person is undermining me at work. Are they a narcissist?” My response is “So what if they are? Lose your fear, show up, confront, be transparent and be powerfully yourself.”

Other people say, “My boyfriend does this to me, and I’m really scared that I’m dating another narcissist.” This is how I feel about that …  I don’t care whether anyone’s boyfriend’s middle name is Satan or Stanley. What I care about and what you need to care about is, ‘What are your values?’ State them and be clear. Stand for them. If he can’t rise up to meet you at that level genuinely (and your body knows the truth on this when you see his actions and if the cycles keep repeating) leave and live your life aligned with these values. Then you will share a life with someone who is capable of delivering them.

Other people say, “The ex is being hell with co-parenting, and she is ripping me to shreds, how can I protect myself against this?” My answer to that is: “Do what you normally wouldn’t do. Release all fear from inside of you, stop trying to walk on broken glass, cut deals and appease her. Stand powerfully in truth and deliver it and create your truth for you and your kids no matter what she chooses to do or not do.”

Can you see that there is a theme here? It’s all about taking our focus OFF them and putting it firmly ON to changing the one person we have the power to change, which is ourselves. We are not going to change narcissists and unconscious people, but we sure as heck have the ability to change our part in this, which are the reasons why we are tolerating less than the life and treatment we were born to live. And, we can stop completely self-abandoning and self-avoiding everything that our inner being, the true guide to our life, is screaming at us.

We are going to do an exercise together, now, which is feeling some statements in your body.  If it feels strong, real and warm in your body, it’s the truth. If it brings you anxiety, confusion and fear then its Wrong Town, it’s a false premise. If you want to heal from narcissistic abuse and empower yourself against them, you need to take this journey out of your head and into your body, asap, without exception.

Repeat this after me: “I am going to learn all I can about narcissists, look out for them, avoid them and stay safe from them.” How does that feel in your body?

Now say this statement, “I am going to heal and develop every part of me that hands power away whilst accepting painful relationships to try to get love, approval, security or survival. I declare I am going to heal and become my OWN true Source directly with My Higher Power and the healthy components of Life. Never again will I accept a False Source into my life.”

How does that feel in your body? I want you to really feel what is going on for you, inside you.

Please pause this video and post your response below, after feeling your answer.

In my book, You Can Thrive After Narcissistic Abuse, I share the nine main susceptibilities that I believe make us targets and food for narcissists. Today, I want to share with you 5 of these main susceptibilities. These are really big, and it’s not negotiable to ignore them if you want toxic people to stop hurting you.

 

#1 Unhealed Existing Trauma

A susceptibility is if you have already existing unhealed trauma from previous abuse. I know this has been the case for many of us, in fact all of us, until we clean it up.

Within our subconscious are the programs on every topic, as a literal powerplant manufacturing approximately 95% of our entire life by the time we are around 30 years of age (according to neuroscientist Bruce Lipton).  If your Beingness is that of an unhealed abuse victim, you will unconsciously seek out and be with more of the same.

This is the way that our unhealed wounds get our attention, by projecting their energy out into The Field (Life) which then draws to us exactly the evidence of what is unhealed within us. The inner creates the outer always. And the outer is the manifestation in the seen world of Life and our soul in concert making conscious what has been unconscious, in the unseen world, so that we can go to it, release it, and live free of it.

Don’t we all know a person who has never done the inner work, and no matter how lovely they are, just keeps meeting their same patterns with a different face? I was one of these people too! Maybe that’s also your story.

 

#2 Lack of Boundaries

Point blank, if you self-abandon your inner being when you know you need to speak up, you will people please, go along with other people’s versions of life, and try to make the unhealthy deals of ‘giving to get’ (narcissists love cashing in on this) to try to get your needs met.

By not speaking your truth and living aligned with it, you have automatically positioned yourself as a victim to life, instead of a healthy generator of it. This was huge for all of us, handing our power away, going along, walking on broken glass and trying to have unhealthy people look after us, instead of looking after ourselves.

Like so many of us, I used to have total inner terror about saying my truth. I was deeply embodying the traumas of the fear of CRAP (criticism, rejection, abandonment and punishment) and you can add to the A in there also the fear of annihilation. I literally couldn’t think straight or put two words together when I needed to look after me. I know so many of you are the same, and I promise you this makes us absolutely susceptible to narcissists.

Narcissists will push and nudge our boundaries bit by bit to see what they can get away with. And to our absolute distress, we discover our levels of tolerance to abuse are huge because of these unhealed previous traumas, and our inability to have healthy boundaries. Of course, we hope that someone else will look after them for us, but guess what? That doesn’t happen, we don’t get rocks to protect us, we get hammers that smash us until we heal and look after these boundaries ourselves. My NARP Program is all about healing and reversing these traumas, as well as all the ones that make us susceptible to narcissistic abuse.

 

#3 You Believe You Have to Earn Love and Approval

Narcissists can sniff this a mile away because it means they can twist it back on you and you will keep jumping through the hoops that get higher and higher trying to prove to the narcissist that you are a decent person who does have integrity.

Simultaneously the narcissist behaves atrociously getting away with all sorts, blaming you for it and you stay attached trying to change their idea about you, hoping they will finally treat you like a human being instead of like a piece of trash.

Can you see how twisted this is and how much it keeps us in the game? That is until we learn the vital Quantum lesson, so within so without, ‘the only person who needs to think well about me is me, and then all of life that is healthy will follow’. Meaning, ‘I won’t give a damn if someone else doesn’t, and I will easily attract and sustain relationships with people who mirror back what I already think about myself.’

The way we heal this one is to go back, find and release our original traumas (which NARP does) where we suffered conditional love, and felt like we weren’t worthy of love unless we made other people feel a certain way about us. In short, we may have never felt good enough to be loved, regardless of what we did or didn’t do for people. This is a terrible inner identity recipe to get hooked into narcissists.

 

#4 You Have a Heightened Need for Security

If you are over responsible and capable and need order, sensibility and security in your life, you may be used to cleaning up other people’s disasters and poor behaviour so that you can feel safe. The old original programs for this (which I promise you are underneath this incredibly painful co-dependent pattern) are things like:  ‘You are sick and unhinged, but if I make you better, then I can survive.’

Can you see how dangerous this is with narcissists? If we are like this, we are like honey to toxic bees.  We stay attached to them whilst they do all sorts of loose and unaccountable behaviour (narcissists are a law to themselves), and we go into overdrive trying to keep authorities from the door, the roof over our heads and the issues from escalating.

It’s not until we pull away and start healing this terrible compulsion within us that we stop doing that, hooking up with ridiculous out-of-control people, rather than generating our own solid, healthy life in co-creation with other real, genuine and healthy people.

 

#5 You Are Really Hard on Yourself

I want you to be very clear about this, that the following is an old and false platitude: ‘People treat us how we treat them.’ No, they don’t, they treat us how we treat ourselves!

It’s Quantum Law. There is no outside. If you treat yourself with criticism, disdain and contempt, that is how people will see you and relate to you too, especially the key people in your life.

Be clear, narcissists are narcissists. They behave like they do because of their unmet, unhealed inner trauma that they have no desire to resolve, and they are not magically going to be nice to you, once you heal your relationship with yourself.

Rather, you will no longer accept treatment from anyone beneath the level of love and support that you have established with yourself.

It’s like being a healthy person who no longer has any attraction to junk food. It’s just not you anymore.  You just don’t choose it or participate. And you no longer kid yourself that a greasy burger is all of sudden going to become a healthy buffet. Narcissists will be firmly off your menu and really repulsive to you.

Can you see how cleaning these 5 susceptibilities up (there is so much more about this in my book as well) would change everything about your inner relationship code, which is who you are attracted to who, who finds you attractive and how you show up with people?

I promise you narcissists pick their targets. They sense and sniff out people who are people pleasers, stuck in previous traumas, hand their power way and are over responsible and acting out co-dependent fixer behaviours.

These are the people they can attach to, mine and abuse.

When you heal, uplevel and clean this up, not only will you become a boundary boss you will also be a radiant beast who has no fear of anyone anymore because you know all you have to do is be yourself!  And, if that doesn’t fly with certain people, so be it! For every false door that closes, two true ones open, I promise you!

That is how spiritual, Quantum compensation works!

So, if this powerfully resonates with you, and I know with a lot of you it will, let’s get started… right here by connecting to my free 16-day deep inner healing course which includes a healing workshop with the super-tool Quanta Freedom Healing, a set of comprehensive eBooks and so much more.

And, if you want to see more videos make sure you like and subscribe, so you get notified as soon as each new video is released.

So, until next time, keep smiling, keep healing and keep thriving because there’s nothing else to do.

 

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The Best Way To Find Closure From Narcissists

The Best Way To Find Closure From Narcissists

 

If you have ever tried to get closure with a narcissist, you know exactly what I am talking about.

Trying to get a ‘sorry’ is ridiculously impossible …

Remorse is not forthcoming … and,

Making amends is unheard of.

Unless of course, the narcissist has no other option other than to appear accountable (for their own agenda).

However … as we all so disastrously discovered, the remorse and proclamations to change simply don’t hold weight.

Rather, everything goes back to ‘narcissistic business a usual’ very quickly.

And, of course, we may want to hold the narcissist accountable ourselves, through people we jointly know, or authorities, or even by hoping karma enters the scene and delivers the narcissist’s just deserts …

Yet even THAT doesn’t seem to happen!

Today, I want to talk to you about another way to get closure … The Quantum Way that will finally grant you EXACTLY what you need to be released from what happened, gain peace and resolution and move on.

 

 

Video Transcript

I remember a very funny meme that I once shared that went gangbusters. You may know it, it’s a picture of a skeleton sitting on a park bench with the caption ‘Waiting for a narcissist to apologise’.

It’s hilarious and so true if you are wanting a genuine apology, remorse and atonement for the horrible things that narcissists do, the obscene conscienceless behaviour and pathological lies and deception that they are famous for, then you will be waiting an eternity.

There is zero closure to be had directly from the narcissist and don’t be fooled if eventually you do get an apology, because when you reconnect with the narcissist you will discover that not only was the misdeed never truly recognised and significant to them at all, but also the same behaviour continues. You were simply being told what you wanted to hear for the narcissist’s agenda.

If we have got past believing, hoping or wishing for the narcissist to be genuinely accountable, which is a HUGE relief when we do, I still strongly advise against getting trapped into wanting justice to be served.

Meaning, either the narcissist be held accountable by family and friends or the law, or for karma to strike him or her down with the rightful payback of what they did to you.

 

Handing Your Power Away

Trying to hold a narcissist accountable via outside forces is a step up from clinging to the narcissist, lecturing, prescribing and trying to force them to get it.  However, it still means that your life will be on hold. It means that you are stuck in the illusion of conditional living which is: ‘The quality and capacity to generate and create my life is reliant on conditions outside of me.’

This is a direct contradiction to Quantum Law, so within, so without, which is THIS personal truth for all of us: ‘I have the power to unfold my life from inside of me, regardless of what other people are or aren’t doing’.

If we do stay stuck in trying to get the narcissist to validate our experience by apologising and atoning, then as understandable as this is, what we are REALLY saying is: ‘My life experience is now in your hands. I can’t go on healthily until you repair what you have done.’

Now please don’t mistake me, in an ideal world YES, people should do this. They should understand how they have hurt people, have a conscience and do whatever they can to repair that hurt.

But, do we live in a world where this was a part of our childhood curriculum? Were humans taught the fundaments of emotional intelligence in the important foundational years where most of all our human programming took place, and how to honour our inner beings and then the inner beings of others healthily from a very young age?

No! Maths, spelling, grades and sport were deemed more important. And, we live in a world where acquisitions and superficiality are focused on and revered, not the way we treat ourselves and others. If we want to jump down and get all righteous about the way people should be awake and treat others, we are doing that on the wrong planet. That’s our powerless, victimisation talking and no one in that model is happy because they are continually disappointed by people’s unconscious behaviour and lack of accountability. (I know this for a fact because I used to be one of them!)

Narcissists are unconscious, it’s all about what they are or aren’t getting and their hurt, no one else’s. They hold everyone else responsible for needing to grant them what they want, to try to feel okay, whilst they operate with their thoughtless, conscienceless behaviour towards others. The narcissist doesn’t take responsibility for their own hurt, let alone the hurt they inflict on you.

How can they when they refuse to recognise and heal their own?

Of course, when someone violates us, it can hurt. It especially hurts when we are holding another person responsible for our own levels of self-love, approval, security and survival. It can feel intensely personal, because this surfaces our deepest wounds, fears and insecurities: such as ‘You didn’t love me’, ‘You lied to me’, ‘You cheated on me’, ‘You deceived me’, ‘You treated me cruelly’, or whatever it is that hurts us so much.

When we are in our own lack of self-partnering and not being these commodities to ourselves, the terrible feelings equate to, ‘This means I must be unlovable and can’t have what is real and true, or live a kind and decent life.’

When we have assigned someone else as the keeper and provider of our identity, and they are not supplying the goods, of course, we feel traumatised and out of control. We feel like we need to make them change, step up and stop doing what hurts and take away our hurt.

This all equates to disastrously handing our power away.

What you want to feel, which is ‘whole’, is never going to come from a false source who doesn’t even have the capacity to be real or whole within him or herself.

Your suffering can’t stop if this is where you are. It means that you have not yet stepped into your true power, which is being an unlimited being, able to harness and create with the entire unlimited potential of your life experience.

 

Growing Up Your Unhealed Parts

Can you understand what these powerless and dependent feelings are really about? They are about feeling like a child on the inside, trying to get a person (metaphoric parent) to grant us what we need to be whole. As children, it was so, so true that if we didn’t have someone loving us safely, kindly and honestly, we couldn’t feel lovable, kindly treated and safe. And we were mega-dependent because we didn’t have the resources yet to ‘be’ and co-generate these things ourselves.

However, as an adult, we can consciously choose to do the inner work, the reprogramming inside our own inner identity. We can realise that once the trauma is inside our own inner being that only we can choose to be responsible for healing it and that no-one else can do this for us.

People can help show us how to do this, but ultimately this was always about establishing a healthy, whole, loving relationship between us and ourselves, as the template for every relationship we then accept and create going forward.

This inner work is exactly what myself and others achieved though Quanta Freedom Healing in the NARP Program.

I promise you, personally if I hadn’t, I would be that skeleton waiting on the park bench for the narcissist to make amends. There is no way I could have gone on and had the life I do.

When we commit to the inner work, we shift into the understanding that 100% we accept that with this person we can’t have a safe, kind and honest relationship. It’s just not possible, because the sanctity of ourselves, and our emotions and identity aren’t respected and honoured. Yet we can become these things to ourselves and then cogenerate them with healthy others and life opportunities.

As kids, we couldn’t leave the parent who was not conscious enough to help our inner identities grow up healthily, but as adults, we can leave the metaphoric parent damaging us this time.

Make no mistake, the hallmarks of narcissistic abuse are unacceptable. Things like pathological lying, conscienceless behaviour, and inability to recognise your feelings and needs and apologise for bad behaviour or make amends. These are all intensely damaging behaviours to be around, that destroy the sanctity, the trust and respect of relationships, as well as your relationship with yourself.

When we do the inner work on our young childhood wounds, those unhealed parts that didn’t feel whole, safe and loved, we no longer take other people’s unconscious behaviour personally. Instead, we recognise they don’t have the capacity to be healthy, and we are relieved to have got the lesson and the healing from them.

Now, we are deeply invested in our own growth and development, expanding into life in glorious ways, able to generate with who and what is healthy and leave alone who and what isn’t.  It’s such a relief to no longer be putting our pearls in front of swine to be smashed.

Then, we stop being dependent on unhealthy others, trying to force them to take away our pain and grant us our wholeness, because we already have it. We are fully emancipated when we no longer try to change broken, unconscious people into whole people so that we can finally feel loved and safe. We already are our own life raft; we are no longer clinging on to them to try to stop drowning.

The intense wake-up call of narcissistic abuse drives us to do that inner work because it’s too painful not to do it.

Then we have stepped in personal truth and our healthy alignment where we can bless and let go of abusive people, keep releasing and healing our wounds and become more and more of a match for the people and situations who do represent our True Selves.

The truest closure we can even have with a narcissist is this: ‘I don’t need any closure from you at all, because I am now lovingly self-partnered and being my True Source generating my own life. ‘

I want this for all of us, and I can help you anchor into this power and truth, just as myself and so many others have achieved. You can get started today, by signing up to my free 16-day deep inner healing course which includes a healing workshop with the super-tool Quanta Freedom Healing, a set of comprehensive eBooks and so much more. To access these, just click the link on the top right of this video.

 

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Why Narcissists Target Lightworkers – With Theresa Cheung

Why Narcissists Target Lightworkers – With Theresa Cheung

 

Since we began the pre-launch party last week, the outpour of support for my upcoming book You Can Thrive After Narcissistic Abuse has been nothing short of incredible.

In amongst this, so many of you have posted your heartfelt messages sharing how the Thriver Movement has changed your life.

Words can’t describe how much this warms my heart.

My “thank you’s” do not seem enough!

Please know, this book and the Thriver Mission couldn’t be possible without you, and because of this, I would love you to continue joining in and sharing the material we have coming your way.

Together, we have the consciousness, power, and willingness to bring much-needed awareness of narcissistic abuse into the mainstream.

Today, it brings me great joy to kick off the first week of the book launch party with this interview:

Theresa Cheung is an extraordinary lady and best-selling author in the fields of spirituality, heaven, the science of the paranormal and the afterlife.

Theresa joined the NARP Program in 2017 because of experiencing an insidious narcissistic relationship with a work colleague, and after making tremendous progress in her healing, reached out and shared her story and convinced me to write a book.

From that point, Theresa did everything in her power to make ‘You Can Thrive After Narcissistic Abuse’ a reality. It wouldn’t have happened if it wasn’t for her!

Today, you will hear Theresa’s narcissistic abuse story, and how, like so many of us who are spiritual seekers, she thought she would be immune to an abuser …but wasn’t.

Within this interview, you will also learn about what a lightworker is, why narcissists target them, and what a lightworkers mission really is here as well as the challenges they have to deal with in their life.

If you, like so many of us, know that you are here to help bring light and healing to yourself, others and the world, yet have been traumatised and taken down by abuse and narcissists, I know that this is an interview that will deeply resonate with you.

You will also learn how you can still be a great person, and do your life’s work without being susceptible to narcissists again.

 

Show Notes

Theresa tells her own narcissistic abuse story (3.44)

What is a lightworker? (5.43)

Why narcissists target lightworkers. (6.08)

Narcissistic Abuse is a gift from heaven (7.30)

The lightworker’s journey and common things they deal with in life. (9.26)

‘Beware of ‘givers’ being a narcissist. (13.15)

What is the meaning of life? (15.20)

Why narcissists come into our lives and offer us relief from pain and depression. (17.49)

Why lightworkers are here to find their light, anchor it and help other people. (20.02)

The inward journey and dealing with the loneliness and desperation after being discarded. (20.43)

Mel gives the answer so that lightworkers do not become a target for narcissists. (23.52)

Theresa shares her advice for lightworkers who want to help people without being trapped and taken out by a narcissist. (28.32)

 

Thank You For Watching The Interview!

I know this topic will relate to so many of you who wish to shine your light fearlessly in this world without being a target for narcissists. I hope you enjoyed this interview as much as I did making it for you.

I really do believe that the time is NOW … where we can help shine truth, light and personal power for ourselves and others to become the change that we dearly want to see in the world.

I’d love you to share your questions and comments in the section below!

Please know, we have more exciting interviews coming your way over the next several weeks! The best way to ensure you don’t miss anything is to be subscribed to the New Life Newsletter and following me on Facebook and Instagram 

 



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