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Should You Warn People About The Narcissist?

Should You Warn People About The Narcissist?

 

It’s completely understandable why you would want to warn people about the narcissist. Because narcissists seem to keep getting away with it.

Innocent people get torn apart and hurt.

However, myself and so many people, have experienced that trying to warn other people just didn’t work.

It only made things even more traumatizing and devastating for us, and turned people, including family and friends and even authorities, against us.

 

 

Video Transcript

This is a very important question. So many people ask, “Should I warn this person about the narcissist?”

Those of us who have tried in the past have suffered some very poor results when doing this. I know that many of you would like to help other people so they do not go through what you have, especially people who you love.

However, this usually doesn’t turn out well.

In today’s Thriver TV episode, we investigate why warning people usually doesn’t work, and what you CAN do to help people leave and recover from narcissists.

Okay, so before we get started, thank you for subscribing to my channel and supporting the Thriver mission, which is the raising of awareness that it is possible to heal for real from narcissistic abuse, in a much shorter time frame than with contemporary processes.

Okay now let’s get started on today’s episode.

 

When You Are Traumatised Don’t Act

Most of us, when trying to warn somebody about the narcissist, were still very deeply entrenched in the trauma of what this person had done to us.

Like Bill. His wife Denise left him for Jeff, one of her work contacts. Denise had always been the “street angel, home devil”. This person had no idea what she was like behind closed doors.

Of course, Bill had been smeared to Jeff and Jeff believed Denise’s version of things. Bill, traumatised beyond measure, tried to get Jeff to understand what had happened and what Denise was really like – but it only made Bill look even more guilty of what Denise had portrayed him as.

I want you to know with all my heart that there is a very profound and absolute Quantum Law, and it is this: if you try to take any action from a place of being traumatised, the results of your actions are only ever going to bring you more trauma.

This Law of so within, so without is as absolute as gravity.

Think back through your life, and you will know that what I’m saying is completely and utterly true. Your real-life results are the proof.

This applies when we try to warn the new supply, our children, family and friends and even authorities.

This happened to me horrifically. The harder I tried to warn people and prove my own innocence the more his family, my family, my friends, colleagues and all legal and police associations completely believed that I was the problem.

Even my son believed him.

Of course, we want these people to know the truth. We want to stop the horrific smearing that is happening to us. We want to warn those who are being bewitched and mesmerized by the narcissist.

However, if you try to achieve this while you are still suffering from intense trauma, forget it. It only makes matters worse for you.

In fact, the narcissist will use your trauma against you, as the bullets to shoot you with.

 

Let Go of Your Dismay

Marie, like most of us before Thriver Healing, was distraught by how many people believed the narcissist and thought badly of her.

Her family was even still socially inviting the narcissist to functions!

The trauma was so horrific for Marie that she thought she was going to die.

She felt intense resentment and betrayal toward these people.

I promise you, even though you may feel justified in feeling this, you will be stuck in Wrong Town. There is no healing or resurrection of your life in this orientation.

It can be helpful to understand that narcissists are very skilled at appearing calm, cool and measured. In stark contrast, you are likely to be completely dishevelled and distraught and feel out of control.

Who appears to be more believable?

Narcissists are able to cross all boundaries and borders by lying about anything and everything that will suit their agenda. Normal adults have been conditioned to believe that when somebody looks you in the eyes and appears to be credible, that they are telling you the truth.

I remember some years ago a very dear friend of mine John was married to Grace. I started to discover that Grace was a deeply troubled woman and had quite a few narcissistic traits.

Yet, she told me stories about John that were so compelling that I started to believe them. This was even after I had become a global narcissistic abuse recovery expert!

One morning, whilst staying at their home, I overheard a conversation that Grace had with John. She later relayed a completely different version to me. It was then that I realised she had been lying to me all along, and I broke off all contact with her.

Why had I believed her instead of John? It was because I’m a normal human being who can still be susceptible to someone’s narcissistic Academy Award performance.

Don’t blame these people, it can happen to anybody!

 

The People Involved Are on a Soul Journey

Those of us who’ve been narcissistically abused and have actualised our Thriver Recovery understand a very deep truth.

This … the narcissist in our life smashed our unhealed wounds and insecurities up to the surface so that we could let go of them and turn inwards to self-partner to heal these parts of ourselves.

There, in a nutshell, within the healing of these wounds, is the gold of our personal evolution.

If we hadn’t done this, we would still be traumatised and diminished, living in mere survival stuck with all the abuse symptoms of ongoing PTSD, agoraphobia, diminished trust in self, life and others and all the other nasties that go with failed recoveries.

But, because we went through a very real healing journey, we are incredibly grateful to be not just released from narcissistic abuse, but also from all of our previous insecurities, limitations, anxieties and depression that were holding us back as a result of not yet being fully self-partnered.

Narcissistic abuse generated the grist that forced us to finally turn inside to do this essential inner work.

As such, this brings a completely different perspective regarding wanting to warn others. You know the truth now, that everyone who is hooked into a narcissist is also going through an incredible soul journey themselves.

They now have the opportunity to also heal and evolve those parts of themselves that are susceptible and being targeted and smashed up to the surface.

This I know with every ounce of my Being, if people are saved prematurely from this journey with a narcissist, they still have to meet up with another abuser in the future who will deliver the same agonising trauma.

Why? Because this is a soul contract. This is what this person’s soul and true Inner Being wants more than anything – for this person to give up trying to seek outer false sources to take away the pain, and come home to being self-partnered and healed within themself.

What soul wouldn’t want that?

There are no mistakes here.

How do you feel about what I just shared with you? I would love you to pause this video and write to me how this feels for you below.

 

The Most Powerful Thing You Can do to Help

I know that the most powerful thing that I can ever do regarding helping somebody who is with a narcissist, is to heal myself regarding how I “see” them.

If I see this person as a powerless victim, then I add to the Energetic Field, where we are all interconnected, regarding them being a powerless and helpless victim.

If I heal within myself how I see this person and reach the true knowing that they are an evolving being awakening to their own empowered and wholeness evolution, then I add to THAT reality occurring.

It is because of understanding all of this powerfully that my greatest mission is to hold the space for all of us, to awaken into the glory of this experience and exactly what our soul intends for us.

When I do this, for those whom I love and care about, I’ve experienced the sheer miracle, time and time again, of people rising up to claim this higher level of vibration.

Those of you who are NARP members I cannot recommend enough, for the people in your life who you love to do the healing on yourself regarding how you feel about it.

Heal that and then see the incredible results unfold.

So, to wrap up this episode, my total recommendation is not to try to warn people.

Rather, heal you and be the example who will change the world.

At the moment healing our world is very important because it is deeply in crisis. There is a greater need now more than ever for us to claim our personal solidness, peace and power for ourselves personally, and for those we love and our world.

Please know that my Quanta Freedom Healing programs are all home-based and backed with an incredible global support system that you have access to 24/7. This means that you don’t need to travel anywhere and that you can stay in the peace and sanctity of your own home while you deeply heal.

To find out more, please click this link.

And as always, I look forward to answering your comments and questions below.

 

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people choose to get even

Why Do People Choose To Get Even Instead Of Get Over It?

people choose to get even

 

My ex is going through a second divorce. When it comes to creating a high conflict divorce situation my ex is quite talented. From what I’ve heard this new divorce is chock full of conflict, anger, and dismissal of other people’s feelings.

His soon to be ex can’t fight the divorce; she can’t keep the marriage together, so she has decided to get even with him. She is doing so via her Facebook page with snide comments and threats to shoot the “SOB.”

I’m not surprised at how either one is behaving throughout this process. Heck, I’m not surprised there is a divorce. I saw that coming from a mile away. You would think that people who have experienced divorce would learn to divorce without shredding each other emotionally and financially.

I hear from people weekly who are hell-bent on getting even with a spouse who has hurt them. They think getting over it and getting on with their life is dependent upon whether or not they are able to get even.

For instance, I heard from a woman who had been married for 27 years to an alcoholic. He, the alcoholic had filed for a divorce and was attempting to “clean her out” legally. She was appalled that a man who had been such a terrible, abusive husband could not take time to consider and honor their 27-year long marriage during the divorce process.

In retaliation to his lack of honor toward the marriage, she was asking the courts for lifetime alimony, the marital home and most of his retirement pension. Plus, she was sharing with anyone who would listen what a horrid husband he had been.

And she was STUCK!

These two people were in the middle of a divorce and playing the same game with each other they had for 27 years. He was disrespecting her; she was playing the martyr and expecting something from him that he had never been able to give her. They might as well have stayed married!

Why Do People Choose to Get Even?

Because habitual behavior is hard to break. Folks who spend a lot of time thinking they should get even with someone who has hurt them are a special breed. They have high expectations of how others should treat them. They view an affront by someone else as a personal injustice and due to that, it is their right to exact justice.

Instead of focusing on what they should do to productively deal with the problem, they focus on evening the score.

It is normal to feel resentment toward someone who hurts us, it isn’t normal to hold on to that resentment and allow it to rule your life. Most of us work through our resentment and in time move on with our lives.

Some though, never get over a divorce due to their inability to let go of the need to exact revenge. And in the long-run, their need to get even hurts them, not the other person. It takes over their life and has negative consequences to their health, spirituality and emotional growth. And, if they use the family court system to exact their revenge it costs them financially.

Letting Go of The Need to “Get Even:”

Some say that letting go of hurt and pain begins with forgiveness. I don’t believe that forgiveness is always the answer. In my opinion, forgetting by focusing on setting goals and moving forward can be more valuable than forgiving.

Let’s face it, if someone leaves you financially destitute or causes your children emotional harm, forgiving can be a lot to ask. Plus, you can’t forgive someone who has not asked for forgiveness so, instead of worrying over forgiving someone it is in your best interest to spend time thinking about moving forward in life instead of focusing on getting even.

Tips For Getting Over The Desire to “Get Even:”

  • Set goals and focus on doing what you need to do to attain those goals.
  • Replace thoughts of revenge with positive affirmations.
  • Create a life that is satisfying and rewarding. It really is the best revenge!
  • Take responsibility for your role in the relationship problems that led to divorce.
  • Focus on who and what you love, not on things that interfere with giving and receiving love.

Bottom line, folks who are intent on getting even are hard to love or, even like. Why rob yourself of the joy others can bring to your life by focusing all your attention on the pain caused by someone incapable of giving you what you deserve…friendship, support, and love.

The post Why Do People Choose To Get Even Instead Of Get Over It? appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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When Narcissists Are Hurting The People You Love … How Do You Help Them?

When Narcissists Are Hurting The People You Love … How Do You Help Them?

It is can be disturbing and devastating to watch a loved one struggling with a narcissist.
 
You may have a child whose partner is a narcissist and you feel isolated and powerless to help them.
 
Or you may have a parent, sibling or friend who is experiencing narcissistic abuse and you don’t know what to do.
 
There is a way to help them, other than lecturing and trying to get them to wake up. In this episode, I’m going to explain to you exactly how to do this.

 

 

Video Transcript

So many of you have often asked me, how can I help my child who is now isolated and controlled by the narcissistic spouse?

Or maybe your sister, brother or dear friend is hopelessly enmeshed with a narcissist abusing them at work, in a love relationship or even in a friendship.

You may be beyond concerned that the person you care about isn’t waking up to this and seems to be slipping further and further away from you.

Maybe you have grandchildren that you don’t see anymore because of a narcissistic in-law.

How can you help the person you love who is deeply in the clutches of narcissistic abuse?

In today’s TTV episode I explain to you the only way I know that works and does work to help your loved ones recover from this.

But before we get started on this episode, I’d like to thank each and every one of you who have subscribed to my channel and supported the Thriver Mission. If you haven’t yet done so please do, and also give this episode a thumbs up if it resonates with you.

Okay, so now on to this very important information.

 

The Deeper and Necessary Understanding of Quantum Law

There is nothing more heartbreaking than seeing the people whom we love suffer. There is nothing more frustrating and unjust than seeing them ripped away from us by a pathological narcissist.

What is doubly frustrating is the more we try to talk sense to the person we love, the more they can pull away from us and even side with the narcissist.

You may be agonising over why this is happening, but what I always like to do is to just get down to the pure truth of things – which is this:

Whichever way we are powerfully emotionally vibrating about anything (including somebody we care about), is exactly the experience that we will have in our personal experience.

Let me put it to you simply. If you feel that someone in your life is being emotionally smashed, abused and isolated from you, then that is the experience you will continue to Quantumly generate in your life.

This is especially true if you see this person as broken and powerless.

Now, before you think that I am blaming you for the experience that they are having, please hear me out. I am not blaming you in any shape or form, I am just explaining how energetic law and true manifesting takes place.

It is a human and beautiful part of our nature to deeply care for, be concerned about and have compassion for those whom we love. Yet, when you understand Quantum Law, you will realise that this is not necessarily helping those you love get better and get away from toxic circumstances.

Rather, it contributes to them being deeply stuck.

To truly help those you love requires a deeper understanding of Quantum Law, which I am beyond inspired to share with you.  In order to be able to help, you need to know the actual steps to Quantumly – which means for real – help the person who is not, at this point, helping themselves.

So, let’s dive in and get started.

 

Step Number One: Acceptance

The greatest barrier to us trying to change our life experience, including the experience of others we care about, is resistance to what is happening in the present moment.

Of course, from the human perspective, we judge what is happening to them as ‘wrong’. Yet, by doing so, we are not understanding the grand design deeper truth of their soul’s evolution and journey.

I personally believe 100% that there is a reason for ‘all of it’, meaning that anyone’s personal evolution is about calling forth and participating in the experiences that are going to make their unconscious programs conscious, and lead them inwards to healing and resolving what is necessary in order to generate a different life experience.

That is exactly what happened to us regarding our own narcissistic abuse which then led us to entering and activating our Thriver Recovery.

When you can take the evolutionary high road of understanding that what your loved one is going through is a necessary transaction for their own personal awakening and evolution, then your deepest wish is not so much for that experience to be removed or brought to an end, but for their soul to awaken and become empowered, self-loving and self-defining within the experience.

And, when you truly love another, then you will bless the experience and not make it so personally about yourself.

How often have we wanted to try to force somebody to change in order for us to feel better?

Usually, if we are honest with ourselves, this is the case. It is understandable and even intensely loving towards others, yet it defies getting a positive result from Quantum Law, as much as trying to defy a natural law such as gravity would be.

It is impossible to generate a change in your life experience by trying to change something outside of you, including somebody you love, in order for you to feel better.

What is much more likely to happen as per Quantum Law – so within, so without – is that this person you are trying to rescue from their situation will supply you more evidence of the inner emotional experience that you are already having. Namely, them not being well.

There is only one way to change your experience of anything or anyone, and that is to find the way to feel better about ‘what is’ so as to create the base foundation to go emotionally inward to then create a different experience that will spill out and have an influence on the outer experience.

This starts with acceptance.

A powerful mantra that you can say often in regard to this person who is being abused by a narcissist is, ‘I bless and accept your experience as sacred. No matter what it looks like, I know that it is offering you the highest possible evolutionary path that your soul yearns for.’

 

Step Number Two: Shifting Your Emotional Response

You have to know that trying to go in and change things, whilst you feel devastated for this person, is not going to work.

If anything, you run the risk of pushing them further away from you and more into the arms of the abuser.

There is a better way to deal with this, and the great thing is that it is activated by working on the only person that you do have the power to change – yourself. And, you can be totally available for this mission.

This is how it works …

By fully understanding and accepting that the way that you create change for yourself and others you care about, is by changing yourself. This doesn’t mean changing the way that you interact with them, even though this is a natural by-product of this … rather it means completely changing your inner emotional composition about this person and what they are going through.

Let me explain to you what I mean with this example.

A NARP member called Gail was devastated that her daughter who was married to a narcissist, was becoming more and more isolated from her and the rest of the family.

To add insult to injury, Gail’s daughter had three children under the age of ten whom Gail adored. Her ability to visit her grandchildren was getting reduced, as she continually received opposition and excuses. Gail knew that her daughter was being twisted and turned against her and her husband by her daughter’s husband.

Gail wrote into me asking me what she could do. I related to her the only solution I have ever known to work. I invited Gail to join NARP and start using the healings to target the traumas in her body regarding what her daughter was going through and how it was impacting Gail.

Gail put in the hard work with NARP and kept moving these terrible traumas in her body and shifting them out, until peace replaced the previous fear and anxiety.

Gail reached the place which we all do, on any topic in our life, when we work with the Quanta Freedom Healing processes of NARP; where the trauma was released, truth entered.

Gail realised that her daughter was going through a soul growth lesson with this man, and she also realised that everybody involved including the children, herself and the family were also going through their own personal evolution as a result of this.

Gail knew that her true power to assist in this solution was to accept that everything was in perfect and divine order, and then to powerfully contribute by shifting herself to ‘feel’ and ‘know’ that her daughter had an infinitely wise Inner Being who could also wake up to the truth.

The more Gail did this work, the more she was able to let go and allow, and keep working on herself to hold her daughter in this emotional vibration.

What happened next is what happens next in virtually every circumstance – Gail’s daughter approached her only a few weeks later. She asked her mother for help to take herself and the children in because she was divorcing her husband.

The spell had been broken.

Gail’s daughter also started working with NARP so as to detox the narcissistic husband out of her system, parent and create healthy powerful boundaries.  By doing this, he lost the advantage of her previous fear to abuse her with. She also set up powerful parallel parenting plans.

I know 100%, because I’ve seen it happen so many times in other people’s lives as well as in my life with my own son Zac, that if Gail had stayed in the same emotional devastation that she was previously in, none of this would have happened.

If you want your life to change regarding the people you love, then you need to become the change that you seek, from the inside out.

 

Step Number Three: Replace Blame and Resentment With Love

One of the most vital transitions you need to go through to help the people whom you love is to stop blaming and shaming them. It’s very common and of course understandable, to be angry and upset with this person you love for turning their back on you or siding with the narcissist against you.

Many people get confused regarding boundaries versus resentment. To help somebody awaken and re-enter your life, and their own life healthily, you must engage the power of love. Which means seeing and holding them in love without any personal hurt of your own being involved.

You may have to work really hard at this with NARP in order to shift out all vestiges of blame, resentment and hurt.

Remember, love heals, resentment hinders.

This does not mean drop your boundaries. If the person whom you love is infiltrating and damaging your boundaries, then enforce them, lovingly and directly and honestly.

That is what real love does. You are not loving another honestly by forfeiting your boundaries and hurting yourself to try to make them happy or love you. That’s a false love economy.

Let me share with you the following example.

Don is another NARP member who was doing the inner work regarding his son being in business with a very toxic narcissist determined to keep him away from Don and the family.

Yet, his son would come to Don to borrow money because of his business losses. The interactions went like this, every few months or so Don’s son made contact, but it was only about money. At all other times, he refused to be in contact with the family.

Before working with NARP, Don used to grant money to his son to try to stay in contact, yet after working with NARP and losing his trauma about what was happening with his son, Don started saying ‘No’.

Predictably all contact stopped and was unanswered when Don and his wife would reach out.

However, Don kept working with NARP as instructed to release all his guilt and obligation and trauma and just kept bringing in the highest possibility of resolution, which was his son awakening into his own infinite inner wisdom, thus evolving beyond the abuse.

It’s what happened – Don’s son left his business partner, returned to the family fold and started taking legal action against the narcissist.

 

Having to Work With This Differently

Until you understand Quantum Law, you may think that what I am talking about is some new-age fluffy theory.

Nothing could be further from the truth.

Our own awakening is to realise how intrinsically and powerfully our own emotional energy is connected to the entire field; especially to those we are bonded to through love.

I know that so many of you in the community are reporting to me that you are really ‘getting it’. There is such a big difference between receiving information and fully embodying it as truth. The latter is what grants you power.

If you are really getting this, I want you to pause this video and write below ‘the cells of my body really get this!’

Until now you may not have realised that through your care and concern you have actually been adding to the situation rather than resolving it. This is why you need to learn to go about this in a different way, and I know that you will be stunned and shocked (beautifully) when you start working at this from the inside out.

In the only way that can truly work – Quantumly.

I can’t recommend enough becoming a NARP member to help those who you love. The wonderful by-product is that, not only will you discover how much you can genuinely assist them, you will also discover your own unlimited expansion, resolutions and breakthroughs that previously only seemed to be a life dream.

To become a NARP member click this link.

And, if you enjoyed this video, and would like to be notified each time a new episode is released, then make sure that you subscribe to receive all of my updates.

Also, please share this episode with those you know who are agonising over what is happening to the people they love.

As always, I look forward to answering your comments and questions below.

 

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The Easiest Way To Identify Toxic People

The Easiest Way To Identify Toxic People

 

Discover the easiest and most powerful way to keep yourself safe from toxic people.

For anyone who has been narcissistically abused, especially if you are terrified of it happening again, this information is invaluable.

In this first Thriver TV episode for 2020, I want to explain to you how to ensure that the people you connect with in your life are healthy, rather than toxic.

As well as exactly how to achieve this!

 

 

Video Transcript

Welcome to 2020 and I hope that you have had a wonderful holiday break.

For our first Thriver TV episode this year I want to help you create an abuse-free year and life going forward.

If you have been able to leave the narcissist in your life and you feel fearful of connecting with toxic people in the future, I really want you to know – toxic people who are effective at being toxic are not immediately recognisable.

The ones that aren’t high functioning can be easy to detect. They could be overtly inappropriate, arrogant and quite frankly dysfunctional. These generally are the ones who are not the most dangerous.

Toxic people who are very capable of infiltrating people’s lives and smashing them to pieces are not like this, they are generally consummate actors who are extremely good at winning people’s trust and hearts.

So how do you identify those people?

In today’s video, I’m going to explain to you exactly how you will not only suspect these people but flush them out in a way that keeps you totally safe.

But, before I do, I want to thank all of you who have supported the Thriver Mission by subscribing to my channel. If you haven’t yet subscribed, I’d like to remind you to please do so. And, if you enjoy this episode, please give it a thumbs up.

Okay so let’s take a deep dive into how to identify toxic people.

 

Are You an Injured Gazelle or a Robust Bison?

You may wonder what animals have to do with this. As an analogy, they can explain a lot regarding how a narcissist targets an individual.

My analogy regarding an injured gazelle is this: it is a person who has gaps, who has susceptibilities to being ensnared and taken down by a predator.

Whereas, an individual who is a robust bison is too solid and anchored in its integrity, in its own body and energy, to be susceptible.

Please note it simply is not true that anybody can get abused by a narcissist.

Let me explain.

If you are feeling empty on the inside and carrying previous hurts that you haven’t yet reconciled, you can be as susceptible to a charming con-person coming into your life pretending to be the saviour of your emptiness, fears, or what is missing, as you would be to diving into a mirage if you were dying of thirst in the desert.

I promise you that I’m not saying this to victim shame you. I am saying this to help empower you, just as this total understanding about myself and my own life helped me awaken to understand that I did have power in these situations and that I had handed it away.

I now know as a recovered and Thriving individual – when you take personal responsibility to heal and resolve your previous traumas, and accept the gift of your own evolution and have become a solid emotional source to yourself, then there is no need for you to let people come into your life immediately.

You will take your time to get to know them, and assess their character before merging with them in ways that puts your heart, emotions, body and even resources on the line.

If a narcissist cannot find a way to infiltrate your life and snare you as a source of narcissistic supply to start mining your energy and resources quickly, it’s not worth the effort. There is much easier prey to target and feed on.

It truly is up to us to heal ourselves up from being an injured gazelle with a limp at the edge of a pack to becoming a robust bison who will never be a target.

Now let’s examine how this works in regard to identifying a toxic person.

 

By Being Yourself Powerfully You Repel Toxic People

The true way that you will recognise whether someone is toxic or not, before it is too late, is because you simply don’t want to play with them, or they leave your experience because they can’t get you to.

What I mean by this is the following: you will be anchored in your integrity, unafraid to ask the difficult questions if something doesn’t feel right, you will be able to speak up and lay boundaries and say ‘no’ if something feels uncomfortable for you.

Also, and above all, by standing in your rights, by taking your time to get to know somebody before letting them into your heart, body, bed, finances, and home, you will see behaviour that is ‘off’ in regard to a toxic person.

They may try to test your boundaries to see if you really mean them. They may have conversations with you that are not respectful about allowing you to be a solid, mature individual taking your time.

Narcissists cannot stand not getting the instant hit of narcissistic supply. They need to escape their own tormented energy at every opportunity by entering into and enmeshing with, and then draining, somebody else’s.

If a narcissist can’t get you to ignore your boundaries, hand over your rights and the bounty that he or she is after very quickly, they may try to guilt you into it. They may bait you, threaten you with abandonment, or appeal to you by claiming that you are making a terrible mistake and risk losing a golden opportunity by taking your time.

If you have healed yourself up to become a solid, mature, adult human being in your own body, you will know that this is baloney. And there is no way that you will capitulate to it.

It is then that the narcissist will unravel and just disappear.

It’s game over. You have asserted your True Self and True Life that the toxic person is no match for and therefore as per Quantum Law – so within, so without – this person simply cannot be in your experience, and won’t be.

Does it even matter whether or not you identify that this person is a toxic individual and that you have dodged a bullet?

No!

You are simply living your life powerfully and authentically from the inside out.

If you haven’t yet healed your original traumas and unmet wounds that are not allowing you to be a whole individual integrated in your own body healthily, then you may mistake this as you being abandoned, or unworthy of this person.

Or maybe you obsess that it is something that you have done wrong, and you should have let your boundaries down, rather than risk losing them. Maybe you will now go after this person and reel them back in.

Can you see how important it is to do the essential inner work on yourself so that you are no longer susceptible to handing away your power and betraying your own values and truths and putting yourself in grave danger with a sociopath?

I hope so, because the understanding I just shared with you is everything.

 

The Truth About Identifying Toxic People

The truth is that you can’t identify toxic people in a way that will keep you safe because your focus on them is not the way to achieve this.

If you haven’t as yet turned inwards to discover what your gaps are and what you need to heal within yourself, no matter what you try to learn about toxic people in order to remain safe from them, they will identify your gaps, charm you and infiltrate your life, just as they have always done to people.

The deeper truth is this, toxic people come into our lives as the real outer life evidence of our already unmet, unhealed existing inner wounds. The reason that these people come into our real-life experience, is so that our unconscious traumas can become conscious, so that finally we can turn inwards, meet them, release them and go free from them.

It’s a much better, healthier and more fulfilling system if we realise the truth about this, and self-partner to do the work that we’ve always needed to do. That way, no longer will we be the injured gazelle with a limp at the edge of the pack, or a ripe target for a predator looking to steal our soul, energy and life.

So, here is the truth – you are not going to identify toxic people.

It’s actually impossible.

Rather, you are simply going to ascertain and work with the only being that you are able to control – yourself. Then you will become healthy and whole and powerfully magnificently impervious to toxic people.

Do you understand this?

If so, write below, ‘I am going to heal and become magnificently impervious to them!’

It’s Time To Become Impervious.

I know that in all of my episodes I am really saying the same thing, over and over, just in different ways.

But I have a feeling that this particular episode may really finally hit home for you!

If this is the case, then you may be ready to do the inner work to clean up your previous traumas and gaps, to leave behind your abuse patterns and fear of abusers forever.

And I mean forever!

If it is your time, and there is no time other than now … then come with me, heal and start becoming another Thriver in this incredible community, by joining my revolutionary healing program the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program – NARP, by clicking this link.

And, if you like this video please give it a thumbs up and make sure that you are subscribed to my channel so that you will be notified as soon as each new video is released.

And as always, I am so looking forward to answering your comments and your questions below.

 

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toxic people

Want To Feel Better? Then Stop Hanging Around Toxic People

toxic people

 

When you’re working to get your confidence back and build boundaries after divorce, there is one “hiding in plain sight” barrier that will keep you from reaching your goals.

And that’s surrounding yourself with toxic people.

You know *exactly* who these toxic people are…

  • The pushy one with unsolicited advice that makes you doubt your decisions
  • The catty one with snide comments and back-handed compliments
  • The one who blames you and makes herself the victim when you call her out on her BS.

Sound like anyone you know? 

Is this a sister? Your mother? Your adult daughter? That “friend” who says she’s “only trying to help you?”

Literally every woman deals with these jerks on the daily. And his/her comments are so hurtful because they know which button of yours to push. They’ve known you for a long-ass time, and know your sore spots, triggers, and vulnerabilities.

That’s why one of their comments can leave you devastated for days.

The secret about toxic people in your life…

100% of that criticism has nothing to do with you. She is projecting her own insecurities onto you she’s not taking responsibility for her own issues.

Remember the time your sister said, “that dress looks a little snug on you, don’t you think?” although she knew you were counting calories and going to yoga three times a week?

She’s guaranteed stepped on the scale that morning and was 12 pounds heavier after that cruise.

Remember that time you got that promotion at work and instead of congratulating you, your mother said, “Oh, so I guess that means you’ll be spending even less time with your kids.”

Like, WTF?!

She guaranteed is feeling resentful that she stepped down from her job to stay full-time with her children and didn’t go back into the workplace.

What to do About Toxic People

So, what do you want to do about her? 

Continue to let them walk all over you, saying “that’s just her.” This option is risky because you put yourself at risk of continued frustration and hurt feelings.

Stand up for yourself. This doesn’t have to look like a Jerry Springer fight. But it takes courage.

“Hey (insert person’s name), it really hurts my feelings when you do/say (insert harmful action here). I would ask that you keep those comments to yourself.

“Hey (insert person’s name). I notice that you’re always commenting or giving me unsolicited advice on my divorce/looks/weight/recovery/insert whatever they’re always commenting on. I would ask that you don’t do that anymore, at least until I specifically ask for your advice.”

So, a quick heads-up when you stand up for yourself. If the person has any amount of emotional intelligence, they may take a step back and say, “Oh, wow.. Sorry. I didn’t mean to make you feel bad,” or something along the lines of that. 

Or…they may get defensive and turn it on you. They may say, “I’m only trying to help you. If you don’t want my honest opinion, then fine.” And then they might stomp away or hang up the phone or stonewall you or some other 5-year-old-at-the-playground nonsense.

If that reaction occurs, that is a HUGE RED FLAG that maybe this relationship is unhealthy. This ain’t the end of the world–it’s just an opportunity to set up healthy boundaries.

Oh, and I get you may not just be able to walk away from that person so easily. She might be a relative or close friend.

But remember–being related to someone DOES NOT give them carte blanche to treat you like poorly.

It takes a herculean effort to be confident enough to speak up and stand your ground when they push back. But until then, remember:

  1. Be aware that some of the most toxic people may be the ones closest to you
  2. Their smack-talking has nothing to do with you, but everything to do with their own insecurities
  3. You have the power to speak up for yourself
  4. Family members and close friends *do not* get to throw shade just because they’re in your life.

The post Want To Feel Better? Then Stop Hanging Around Toxic People appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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people pleaser

Are You a People Pleaser? Here Are 6 Tips On How To Gain Control

people pleaser

While it’s admirable to be a caring person, learning to accept and respect myself has helped me to set healthy boundaries and to say “no” without feeling guilty.

For instance, I used to take on too much responsibility at work because I thought that others would “like” me and I’d feel better about myself. As it turns out, it was a quick way to burn out and I ended up feeling resentful and depleted.

The term “People Pleaser” is often used to describe people who go out of their way to make sure someone else is happy to the detriment of their own happiness. They seek approval from others due to unresolved issues with their parents or a need to be accepted.

Becoming a people pleaser is a way in which many individuals neglect to set boundaries and convey to others that they’re not good enough.

If you’re not sure if this description fits you, here are a few questions to ask yourself:

-Do you have a hard time saying “no” when you are asked to do something for others?

-Do you worry a lot about disappointing others or worry they’ll leave you?

-Do you bend over backwards for other people, often at your own expense?

-Do you do some things because of a feeling of obligation, and then feel resentful afterwards?

-Are you afraid that if you don’t take care of others, they’ll think you’re not “nice?”

-Do you avoid speaking up for yourself or voicing your opinion because you’re afraid of conflict?

-Do you let your other people “take advantage” of you?”

If you find yourself recognizing yourself in a lot of these, then you probably can benefit from being more assertive.

After all, although pleasing others at your own expense might gain you some recognition, it won’t be good for your self-esteem in the long run.

Letting Go of Being a Victim

Studies show that while some men may experience “People Pleasing” it appears more often in women. Over time, a lack of setting boundaries in relationships can damage a person’s sense of self-worth. The good news is that this damage is reversible with self-awareness and support from others.

Before you can begin to set healthy boundaries in relationships, you must have healthy self-esteem – which means evaluating yourself in positive ways and believing in yourself. Honestly take stock of your patterns of relating to others.

One of the first things to ask yourself is: how do I treat ymyself? No one is going to treat you with respect if you beat yourself up. Get rid of all those self-defeating thoughts in your head – such as calling yourself “stupid” that won’t help you get back on your feet.

The first step to addressing people pleasing behavior is to examine your attitudes and beliefs. Often people get stuck in the role of “People Pleasing” because they lack self-awareness.  The following 6 ways will allow you to gain control of your life.

How to Stop Being a People Pleaser

  • Embrace the idea that you can’t be liked by everyone. There will always be those who don’t agree or approve of your words or actions. Accept that you can’t control what others think of you. All you can really control is yourself.
  • Ask yourself: do I give too much in relationships? Do you ignore your own needs due to seeking other’s approval? Therapy, reading, and keeping a journal can aid you in this process.
  • Challenge your beliefs and self-defeating thoughts about your self-worth. You don’t need to prove anything to another person about your self-worth. You are just as deserving of attention and caring as other people are.
  • Put an end to playing the role of a victim. Make new decisions to change your life – such as taking time to do the things that you enjoy rather than deferring to the needs of others.
  • Practice compassion and self-approval by learning to set personal boundaries and saying “no”to unreasonable requests from others.  You will feel better when you give yourself time to replenish yourself rather than focusing too much on others.
  • Taking care of yourself doesn’t mean you are selfish. As you begin to care less about seeking the approval of others, you’ll find you have more energy – people pleasing can drain us of time and make us feel tired. Strive to achieve balance between your physical, mental, and emotional heath.

Take a moment to ask yourself: Am I able to freeing express my thoughts, wishes, and desires without worrying about my partner or friend’s reaction? If the answer is no, it may be time to consider working on freeing yourself from being a people pleaser.

By learning to be more assertive, you will no longer feel like a victim. Making yourself a priority isn’t the same as being selfish. You are worth the effort and deserve a freer, happier life.

I would love to hear from you if you have any questions or comments at movingpastdivorce.com. To find out more about my research, order my book Daughters of Divorce: Overcome the Legacy of Your Parents’ Breakup and Enjoy a Happy Long-Lasting Relationship.

My forthcoming book “The Remarriage Manual: How to Make Everything Work Better the Second Time Around” will be published by Sounds True in the February of 2020.

Follow Terry Gaspard on Facebook , Twitter and movingpastdivorce.com/

This article originally appeared on movingpastdivorce.com

The post Are You a People Pleaser? Here Are 6 Tips On How To Gain Control appeared first on Divorced Moms.



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be more confident

Want To Be More Confident? Then Stop Being Afraid To Piss People Off

be more confident

 

This is the #1 thing you must do to stick up for yourself.

Here’s the uncomfortable truth, friends.

In your journey to be confident and feel better about yourself, you cannot be afraid to step on toes. In other words…

Want to be more confident? Don’t be afraid to piss people off.

Strong women will end up pissing people off. And that’s okay.

Now, to be clear, I’m not talking about pissing folks off in the wanton, sociopathic, “Fatal Attraction” bunny rabbit kind of way.

What I do mean, however, is that from now on, you need to start internalizing that you matter. What you want matters. Your worth matters.

Because here’s the thing. As you recover from your divorce, rebuild your self-esteem, and learn how to set healthy boundaries, there will be many people around you—some may even be close friends or family members–who may not like that you’re voicing your opinion.

If the people who don’t like it, let this year be the year you stick up for yourself. And if they get angry or offended that you’re sticking up for yourself, forget them. Because you don’t need their toxicity anyway.

Let this be the summer you learn to stick up for yourself.

So many of us have been raised to not raise our voice. To just play nicely. To not cause a ruckus. And yeah, when you’re at a funeral or in a theater, those are great guidelines.

However, that social conditioning means that during your marriage, you probably let your spouse always have their way so there wouldn’t be a conflict. Maybe you went along with decisions–even when they didn’t serve you—because you didn’t want a fight or to make him upset.

But doing that for years probably made you resentful, or stole your self-confidence and ability to find your own voice. And this silence may have buried that part of you–the part that had dreams and hopes and goals that were every bit as valid as your partner’s and your children’s.

While it may not seem like it, that part of you is still alive. That part of you deserves to be heard, acknowledge,  and validated.

But you have to do it yourself. It may seem intimidating, but you must speak up for yourself this year. And let people in your life know what you want.

Because, what other choice do you have?

It won’t be easy though, but at the end of the day, at the end of this transition to being divorced and independent in your life, there is one thing that will always be true.

No one will stand up for you but you. But you are all you need.

You’ve mattered all along, although people in your life probably weren’t reminding you of that. Hell, you probably forgot to remind yourself that you mattered. But you must start internalizing this. You must not be afraid to tell the people in your life–the ones who drain you and take advantage of you and don’t appreciate you–to back up, to shape up, or to get the hell out of your face.

You must be your own advocate.

You must be the person in the mirror who tell yourself that you got this.

You must know that it’s time to put yourself first for a change.

And if you need help, for the love of all things holey, ask for help.

Because at the end of the day, you have yourself. And if you do it right, that is all you need.

So, what steps will you take this year to stand up for yourself?

What does finding your voice again look like for you?

The post Want To Be More Confident? Then Stop Being Afraid To Piss People Off appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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Why do so Many People Rush Into Ill-Advised Second Marriages?

Why do so Many People Rush Into Ill-Advised Second Marriages?

There are some external, logistical reasons why middle marriages happen, certainly.  A person might feel relief at the thought of sharing a home or having a second income supporting the family.  Maybe the idea of assistance in child-rearing or household work is extremely appealing.

The post Why do so Many People Rush Into Ill-Advised Second Marriages? appeared first on Divorce Magazine.

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