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get rid of your divorce panic

Ready To Get Rid Of Your Divorce Panic?

get rid of your divorce panic

 

It was hard to concentrate, or even function.

Hard to fall asleep at night, hard to pay attention at work, and no matter what I did to try and distract myself, the sheer panic and chaos followed me around all the time.

“Ohmigod. I have no idea what do to. Will I ever get through this?”

“I have no idea where I’m going to be in a month, much less a year. How the hell can I plan for anything?”

“Everything is crumbling around me and I’m terrified.”

Divorce is one of the most stressful life events that a person experiences. One of the main reasons it’s such a nightmare is because it somehow manages to hold us hostage with the stress and fear. It makes us unable to move, to think, to function. You don’t know what’s going to happen to you, your kids, and your way of life, and you think you’ll never make it through or be happy again.

But it doesn’t have to be that way. I remember waking up one day after another restless night, and something just clicked. A frustrated voice inside me said,

“What are you so afraid of, and why have you not taken steps to counter it?”

Get Rid Of Your Divorce Panic

And that is where this fear-blasting exercise was born. When you feel like you’re going off the deep-end with fear of not knowing do the following:

Write down all of the things you’re feeling afraid of—the sources of our fear-based stress.

Be completely honest. No fear or concern is ever irrational, stupid, or unreasonable. Some of my own fears included…

  • I will have to move out of the marital home—the only one I’ve known for years.
  • I won’t be able to afford a long and drawn out divorce.
  • I will have to put the lawyer fees on my credit card
  • My savings will be wiped out and that I’ll have to cash out my 401k to pay for all of this.
  • My family will judge me
  • My friends will shun me
  • I will be alone and don’t know what to do
  • I am afraid to start over.
  • I am afraid of never being happy again.

Now comes the part that takes some work, but it’s the best part. Under each fear, write down a solution. This step shows the truth—that you have the power to beat those fears and calm down that stress you feel. I’ve provided a few examples of possible solutions:

I will have to move out of the marital home—the only one I’ve known for years.

“If I want to stay here, I am going to speak with my attorney to see what my options are to remain. I will look at the budget to see if this is possible, but if it is not, I know I have plenty of options for other housing. I also know that I am the one who has the memories in my heart and that I, along with my children, are still a home and can create our own memories, wherever you are.”

I won’t be able to afford a long and drawn out divorce.

“I do not want to spend tens of thousands of dollars on a divorce. If my spouse and I are on speaking terms, I will examine options for using divorce mediation, which could help prevent long expensive court battles. I will also research my options and ask around to find a good divorce attorney that uses a conciliatory problem-solving approach, instead of a belligerent gladiator one. I may also speak with a financial adviser to help with the financial side, and I could talk to a divorce coach, who could possibly help with money-saving ideas.”

My savings will be wiped out and that I’ll have to cash out my 401k to pay for all of this.

“If I am working with an attorney, I will look into possible payment plans. I may also seek pro-bono help or find divorce legal clinics that can help minimize costs. I will focus on the big picture. If I don’t want to wipe out my savings fighting in court, I will learn how to choose my battles so I can move on with my life.”

My family will judge me

“I will be honest and ask for their support, but I do not have to surround myself with people who will make me feel worse about the situation. If I am afraid of this, I will work with a therapist, who can help me create boundaries with my family and help me grieve in a healthy way.”

I will be alone and don’t know what to do

“I may feel alone because I’m no longer with my spouse, but I will find a great support system—there are support groups, online groups, friends who care about me. I will not be afraid to ask for help. I will be kind to myself, patient with myself, and realize I don’t have to do everything at once. “

As you can see, once you start doing this exercise for ourselves, you will notice that neutralizing fears go beyond just giving yourselves a pep-talk. This exercise can help you start taking action. And when you take action against those fears, they no longer become the things that will keep you up at night—instead, they become the logical courses of action—merely things on a to-do list—that you will accomplish because, despite our panic and fear right now, you are a hell of a lot stronger than you realize.

Facing and beating our divorce fears and learning how to counter them may not be fun or easy, but in the end, learning those strategies will help diminish our stress so you can think clearly, move on with our lives, and get back to being happy.

The post Ready To Get Rid Of Your Divorce Panic? appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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How Do You Know If You

How Do You Know If You’re Ready For a New Relationship After Divorce?

How Do You Know If You're Ready For a New Relationship

 

You’ve been out of the dating scene for a long time. You’ve also just gone through the stress of divorce. You want to date and possibly build a new relationship with a member of the opposite sex.

Knowing when to date after divorce means you must know yourself and your relationship patterns. It also means being ready mentally, emotionally and physically.

Are you ready?

How do you know you are ready for a new relationship, though?

Attitude is Everything When Dating After Divorce

There are people who allow the end of their marriage to destroy them. They hold onto painful feelings, resentment, and fear of spending the rest of their lives stuck in the past. Others refuse to give in to the negative feelings by working through the process in a pro-active way.

These people find that divorce is not only an ending but also a new beginning. They don’t live life based on what was done to them in the past but, on what is possible for them in the future. They are the ones who thrive and survive and find fulfilling new relationships after divorce. So, before you consider a new relationship put on a positive attitude about what you’ve been through!

Personal Growth Precedes New Relationships After Divorce

There is no greater motivator than emotional pain when it comes to taking stock and gaining needed insights into one’s own quirks and negative behaviors.

People who are able to move on to rich, rewarding lives and healthy relationships after divorce don’t allow anger and resentment to keep them from finding a better way of living.

It takes determination and a willingness to heal old wounds before you are ready for a new relationship. Owning the role you played in the demise of your marriage, working to make needed adjustments in the way you interact in a relationship gives you a better chance at succeeding in your next relationship.

There Are Lessons to Be Learned Before Dating After Divorce

No one is blameless when it comes to divorce. Take responsibility for your mistakes. If you don’t you will carry the same mixed up perceptions and “baggage” into the next relationship.

Examine your expectations of what a relationship should be and work at identifying any skewed beliefs you have. Work on correcting negative issues you have and then get on with your life. Just remember, the pain is there for a reason. Don’t let the lesson you need to learn to get away from you.

Forgiveness is for You Not the One You Forgive

Any anger and resentment you have toward your ex will linger until you are able to forgive them. I know that is easier said than done but, forgiveness is given so that you can empty your heart of any negative emotions. Negative emotions that will affect you emotionally, spiritually, mentally and physically if you hold on to them.

Until you can let go of old resentments, you have nothing to offer in a new relationship. So, drop the “baggage” and get on with your life. Lighten your load by forgiving what was done to you. You don’t have to forget it, that would be letting your guard down and opening yourself to bad treatment in future relationships.

Forgiving is about ridding yourself of negative feelings that hold you back from being able to engage in a new relationship with a clean slate.

Your Marriage is Dead Not You

Divorce marks the end of a marriage. Mourn the loss and then lay it to rest. You are still very much alive. Your heart still beats and your soul still yearns for an attachment to another.

Your marriage may be dead but you are alive and kicking. Nurture your heart and soul by treating the ending of your marriage as a new beginning. An opportunity to grow, hold yourself responsible and practice the art of forgiveness. If you can do these things you will find that love the next time around will be better than you thought possible.

The post How Do You Know If You’re Ready For a New Relationship After Divorce? appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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