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5 Reasons a Passive Aggressive Man’s Love Comes With a Big Price Tag

5 Reasons a Passive Aggressive Man’s Love Comes With a Big Price Tag

Passive Aggressive Man Mask.jpg

If you were married to him, you know what I’m talking about. If you have divorced a passive aggressive you SURELY know what I’m talking about. If you weren’t, be on the look-out because chances are you will cross paths with a passive aggressive man.

Who is the passive aggressive man? He is that guy who avoids responsibility and conflict through passivity and withdrawal. He is the “Nice Guy” who reels you in with his adoration and once you are in the game he turns the tables so quickly your head will swim until you decide to take a hike.

But what is passive aggressive behavior and how do you recognize passive aggressive men?

5 Reasons the Passive Aggressive Man’s Love Comes With a Big Price Tag

He…

Withholds to Punish: He says one thing but means another. Sure, he wants to go to a movie. He even appears to enjoy himself until later that night when he rejects you sexually. You see, he didn’t want to go to a movie but, his passivity would not allow him to own it. His fear of conflict means punishing you in covert ways for something you “made” him do. What better way to punish than withholding something he knows you want?

Fears Conflict: He will do anything to keep from arguing with you. He has been taught that anger is unacceptable. Well, expressing anger in an open, honest way is unacceptable and is not something you will get from this guy. What you will get is a relationship with a man who avoids solving relationship problems, avoids taking responsibility for problems in the relationship and most importantly avoids making an intimate connection with you.

Why? A passive aggressive man will always choose to avoid conflict because he has come to experience conflict or disagreement as terrifying. He may have a great desire to connect with you emotionally but they don’t have the tools required for them to do so. For this reason, the retreat from those they love because of their fear that something will go wrong or they will be rejected.

In other words, they forfeit a relationship they long for, out of fear and, basically cause their worst fear to come true. Not only do they break your heart, they break their own heart by constantly giving up on relationships. When your passive aggressive husband starts avoiding conflict, it’s the beginning of the end of his emotional attachment to you and the relationship.

Plays The Victim: This poor guy can’t win for losing; not in his mind anyway. He will not show for a dinner date but find it unreasonable that you are upset. It is, after all, his bosses fault for making him work late. He could have picked his cell phone up and called but calling isn’t nearly as pleasurable as letting you sit and wait. You waiting on him gets his angries out at you.

He gets to punish you and blame his boss…he is off the hook, a “good guy” who is the victim of an unreasonable woman AND boss who both expect too much from him.

How does the passive aggressive benefit by playing the victim? When they play the “poor me” card it elicits other’s sympathy and offers of help. He enjoys being noticed and validated in such a way. Being a victim is also a great excuse for not confronting difficult life issues…avoiding conflict, again.

If he is viewing himself as a victim he can remain passive and not be held responsible for his bad behavior. This enables him to shift responsibility for his own misery off onto you.

As long as he is holding onto the victim role he puts himself in a low-risk, take no chances position. It’s all your fault since it’s your fault you should be the one to fix the problem! He is off the hook.

Is Forgetful: He forgets birthdays, anniversaries, anything important to you will be forgotten by him. My ex used to forget he needed something from me until the last minute.  If there was a social event related to his work, I would get notice the day before. I spent a lot of time running around trying to prepare for something in a few hours that would normally take days.

Is Afraid of You: They want you but they don’t want to become attached to you. He is in a constant battle with himself to pursue you then distance himself from you.  According to Scott Wetlzer, author of Living with the Passive-Aggressive Man: Coping with Hidden Aggression – From the Bedroom to the Boardroom.

The passive aggressive man is “unsure of his autonomy and afraid of being alone, he fights his dependency needs, usually by trying to control you. He wants you to think he doesn’t depend on you, but he binds himself closer than he cares to admit. Relationships can become battlegrounds, where he can only claim victory if he denies his need for your support.”

You have a lot of anger toward the passive aggressive man you are involved with. You just can’t figure out exactly what you are angry about. He is sweet, kind and loving. He never argues, does exactly what you wish. There must be something wrong with you or such a good man would want to have sex with you, remember your birthday, put effort into solving the problems in the relationship or just show up on time every once in a while.

And that is the trap women who are involved with passive aggressive men fall into, they become responsible for all that is wrong in the relationship. He keeps you hanging in by doing for you when he doesn’t want to, by never arguing, by being such a nice guy. All those puzzling behaviors that send the opposite message that the other negative behaviors send.

That is why they call it “crazy-making” behavior. The passive aggressive man is very good at appearing to be calm, cool and collected while you are going off the deep end. It isn’t his intent to frustrate, offend or cause you to feel guilty. He truly does only want to help.

The only issue, the kind of help he has to offer comes with a price. He has expectations he is unable to openly express and when you don’t meet those expectations you get resentment and covert punishment. And, you should never expect your expectations to be met, not even when you’ve expressed them in a clear, easy to understand fashion.

Want a relationship with a passive aggressive man to last? Become a mind reader and keep your expectations low.

The post 5 Reasons a Passive Aggressive Man’s Love Comes With a Big Price Tag appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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6 Possible Reasons the Narcissist Emotionally and Psychologically Abuses Others

6 Possible Reasons the Narcissist Emotionally and Psychologically Abuses Others

Narcissists emotionally and psychologically abuse because they are bullies. They destroy women, families, and children and cause grave harm because they are bullies.

The post 6 Possible Reasons the Narcissist Emotionally and Psychologically Abuses Others appeared first on Divorce Magazine.

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5 Reasons Why Narcissists Move On So Quickly

5 Reasons Why Narcissists Move On So Quickly

Narcissists always seem to land on their feet, like the proverbial cat.  Whilst you are at home still feeling hurt and healing from the break up of your relationship, they are happily posting photos all over social media of how wonderful their life is now.

It’s like a real kick in the stomach!

So why do they move on so quickly?

Well aside from the well-known and accepted reason, which is that they are incapable of love so everything is superficial and therefore your relationship was never “real”, there is actually a lot more to it.

Studies have revealed differences in the brain structure of those with diagnosed Narcissistic Personality Disorder which shed a lot of light on this subject.

  1. The area of the brain responsible for empathy (the frontal lobe) is much less developed in a narcissist that the rest of the average population.  Therefore they are physically less able to understand others feelings and so will struggle to recognise love.  We learn how to love from others but if our brains are less capable of performing this function, we won’t learn how to love meaning relationships are much more superficial for narcissists.
  2. The same area of the brain is also involved in problem solving.  So when problems occur in a relationship, the narcissist will not have the necessary skills to stay and communicate and try to resolve the issues.  Instead they will move onto a new relationship where there are no problems.  Once problems begin to occur, which they inevitably will, the narcissist will once again move on.
  3. The frontal lobe is also linked to sexual behaviours.  According to Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, sex is a basic human need but sexual intimacy is higher up the hierarchy, meaning that when narcissists are in stress or crisis they will go into survival mode and seek only to meet their basic needs – they will cheat.  It’s as primal to them as eating when hungry is to the rest of us.
  4. The cerebral cortex has also been found to be less developed in narcissists and this area is responsible for memory, emotions and behaviour.  Therefore the narcissist seems to move on so fast because their emotions are not as deep as ours but also, they don’t form memories in the same way the rest of us do.  For most of us it’s the memories which keep us attached to someone and unable to move on.  The narcissist doesn’t have this problem.  Their brain hasn’t stored those memories in the same way so they can quickly move on without the attachment.
  5. We know that childhood abuse plays a role in the development of NPD and this can be emotional, physical or sexual.  As a child, the narcissist will have developed a coping strategy to deal with the abuse which could include compartmentalising their emotions to reduce the pain.  Long term exposure to abuse can therefore lead to new neural pathways being formed which simply bypass emotions completely.  It’s protective evolution of the brain.  And means that narcissists never feel hurt, pain or love.  Therefore they can move on without a care in the world.  Literally.

So the next time you see a smiling picture of your narcissist ex with his new supply, know that it’s just a mask.  There are no real feelings.  They are simply resorting to their survival mode.

And remember, the fact you feel sad is a good thing because it shows you have developed normal brain functioning and for you it was real.  Never be ashamed of that.

The post 5 Reasons Why Narcissists Move On So Quickly appeared first on The Nurturing Coach.

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6 Good Reasons to Consider Hiring a Divorce Mediator

6 Good Reasons to Consider Hiring a Divorce Mediator

When a couple decides to divorce, they may decide to resolve their divorce issues outside of court using a neutral divorce mediator as a facilitator. A mediator can help them navigate through their divorce discussions.  

The post 6 Good Reasons to Consider Hiring a Divorce Mediator appeared first on Divorce Magazine.

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5 Reasons You Should Have an Attorney Review Your “Do it Yourself Divorce”

5 Reasons You Should Have an Attorney Review Your “Do it Yourself Divorce”

Even if you and your spouse have the best intentions and full financial disclosure, there are several reasons why your self-prepared marital settlement agreement should be reviewed by your own attorney before you sign it.

The post 5 Reasons You Should Have an Attorney Review Your “Do it Yourself Divorce” appeared first on Divorce Magazine.

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5 Reasons Some Men Love to Date Separated Women

5 Reasons Some Men Love to Date Separated Women

Sexual freedom, no strings relationships, no pressure to get married. What’s not to like about dating a separated woman?

The post 5 Reasons Some Men Love to Date Separated Women appeared first on Divorce Magazine.

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being friends with your ex

Being Friends With Your EX: 7 Reasons It Doesn’t Work

being friends with your ex

 

While it’s normal to want to undo the past, being friends with your ex usually doesn’t work out. It’s a noble endeavor to want to be a friend to a former spouse but it can fuel your child’s reconciliation fantasies and prevent both adults from healing and moving on with their lives.

It’s especially problematic for the person who was left – or the dumpee – because having regular contact with the person who rejected them can make a person feel confused or give them a sense of false hope. On the other hand, the dumper would probably admit to feeling guilty upon seeing their ex regularly or worry that they are sending the wrong message.

When my marriage ended, I had the misconception that two good people (myself and my ex) should be able to stay friends after our divorce. In my case, I was looking for closure – but soon realized that letting go of the reasons why our marriage dissolved was a healthier decision. I also came to terms with the fact that I didn’t need to have all of the answers to why my marriage failed in order to move on.

There are many reasons why people strive to be friends with their ex after a breakup or divorce. Certainly one of the main reasons is that they have unfinished business that they hope to resolve. Our they may want to keep the non-intimate part of the relationship going because they have caring feelings toward their former spouse.

Erin, a 40-something teacher confides, “I couldn’t understand why two civilized adults couldn’t visit with our kids and hang out like friends. But Jason told me it hurt him too badly because I broke it off and he was reminded of his pain every time we got together.” This experience is a common one for the dumpee who might feel  –especially hurt if their ex has a new partner and they don’t. It can add salt to an open wound that has not had sufficient time to heal.

Guilt Can Drive You Towards Being Friends with Your Ex

Another reason why people want to stay in close contact with a former partner after a breakup is guilt. Sometimes the person who is the dumper feels guilty about leaving the relationship, especially if they were unfaithful, and they want to remain friendly with the dumpee to help to ease their guilt. In this case, counseling with a qualified therapist is a more effective way to deal with these leftover emotions.

Further, some individuals keep their relationship alive because they hope for reconciliation but they don’t necessarily acknowledge it. According to Susan J. Elliott, author of Getting Past Your Breakup, “Examining your quest for contact and being honest about your real intentions will help you stop making excuses to make contact.”

Conner, 48, reflects, “I did all I could to keep in touch with Karen with the hope that we could fix things and one day get back together – even though I knew she was in love with someone else.”

7 Reasons Being Friends with Your Ex Doesn’t Work:

  1. Most of the time, a post-breakup friendship is a setup for further heartbreak, especially for the person who was left and probably feels rejected.
  2. It does not give you or your ex time to grieve the loss of the relationship or marriage. Like all losses, the breakup of a long-term relationship or marriage causes people to go through various stages of grief. In order to heal and move through anger, denial, it’s essential that individuals have the emotional and physical space to do this. Trying to maintain a friendship may extend the healing process.
  3. You need to forge a new identity: After a breakup, it’s essential to lose your identity as a couple and to return to who you were as an individual, rather than half of a couple.
  4. It can cause confusion for your children. It’s normal for most children to experience reconciliation fantasies and seeing their parents spend time together (social events, holidays, etc.) can cause them to long for their intact family. Children benefit from parents who are collaborative but not necessarily friends post-breakup.
  5. You might not have been true friends and it’s problematic to start now. Sometimes, especially when there are children involved, a person may feel pressured to preserve a friendship that never existed or that disappeared during your marriage. So just say “no” and remain cordial to each other.
  6. You need energy to “take care of yourself” and to form new relationships. Maintaining a close friendship with an ex (especially if it’s emotionally or physically intimate) can delay this process.
  7. Acceptance is the final stage of grieving the loss of a loved one, according to Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, and a post-breakup friendship doesn’t facilitate this process.

At some point, it’s important to accept the breakup of your marriage and come to a place of “it is what it is.” These anecdotes from bloggers help to explain how acceptance and setting boundaries with your ex can facilitate creating a new chapter in your life.

Katie, a 30-something high school counselor reflects, “When I broke it off with husband Kyle, he took it very hard. I thought that if we stayed in touch and hung out sometimes, it would help him adjust but it only made things worse. I let my guilt and his feelings of rejection be the driving force rather than common sense. It took him years to get over our breakup and I was left feeling even more guilty because of the pain I caused him.”

Justin, a 40-year old accountant shares, “It just didn’t work for Heather and me to remain friends. It got complicated without three kids and they felt more confused when we tried to get together. Then when I started dating Susie, they didn’t like her and kept talking about wanting their mom and me to get back together. It wasn’t fair to them and I didn’t want to give them false hope.”

Truth be told, it’s a great idea to be civil and cooperative with your former spouse – especially when you have children. Being allies with your ex can help children adjust and thrive post-divorce. That said, maintaining a friendship with your former spouse probably won’t allow you both to move on with your life after a divorce. Giving yourself time and space to regain independence and a sense of identity will serve you and your children well in the long run.

This article first appeared on DivorceMag.com

The post Being Friends With Your EX: 7 Reasons It Doesn’t Work appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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i found divorce to be freeing

10 Reasons I Found Divorce To Be Freeing

i found divorce to be freeing

 

At first, I just wanted to wake up from the nightmare that was my life and let out a really huge scream.  I didn’t want to eat, I couldn’t sleep.  Focus?  What was that?  Life as I knew it died.  And it was an excruciating death.

Then, I got perspective – one that positively changed my life forever. Divorce is an OPPORTUNITY!

Here are the top 10 reasons I found divorce to be freeing:

1. What do I want – how do I get it? This is a question you may not have asked yourself in a while.  The possibilities are truly endless and they are in your control.  You need a strategy.  This is where gaining insight into your finances, a divorce coach, a therapist, and a support group can be invaluable.

2. Never before…have you had the ability to truly start again and be who you want to be, be proud of what you become, and thrive in a way you forgot you can. You have been on an emotional roller coaster and it’s not what you want.  It’s time to get off!

3. Who am I? When you in the divorce process, you wonder “who am I & how did I become who I am”?  This is natural.  We change to make the marriage work & we lose ourselves.  Often we are not the person we want to be.  Take time to remember who you are, to appreciate the fun loving person you will become again.

4. My real friends are… Friends and loved ones are what makes life worth living. Through this process, you will truly learn who your friends are and how wonderful it is to have them in your life.  Your relationships will rise to a new level, one that you will ultimately be very grateful for.

5. My new friends are… They will seem to come out of the woodwork. Others who have experienced this trying time will be there for support.  Many are people you sort of knew and others will be the new blessings you will bring into your life.  They will help teach you and guide you to a new and wonderful you.

6. Replace the negative void. Divorcees have put in enormous energy and time into the painful ends of their marriage.  At this point, they can fill it with all the light and positive activity they have ever dreamed of.  There is a huge void of time and negative energy to replace – fill it wisely and you WILL be happy.

7. Divorce can make people withdraw and strain precious friendships. This is an opportunity to really connect and build friendships that will enhance your life.  (See My real friends are…)

8. Reconnect (Part duex) Reconnect with yourself. Probably a foreign concept at this point.  Be good to yourself, a little self-care goes a long way.  What have you missed about yourself?  Reinvigorate it.  Learn something new – be someone new.

9. I will love again like never before. At first, you may be scared, at times bold, but one thing is for sure – you have learned so much about what you want and need. Don’t settle for less & he/she won’t give you less.

10. How am I going to get through this? See above. This is your summary, your conclusion, your time to ponder what makes life beautiful and, YES, how you are going to have it all!

Go make your life incredible!  Only you can.  We hope this has helped your perspective and look forward to hearing your feedback.

The post 10 Reasons I Found Divorce To Be Freeing appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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