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Healthy Narcissism: Why You Need It, How to Get It



00:00 Intro
00:31 What is healthy narcissism?
03:41 What are the benefits of healthy narcissism
05:24 What are some features of healthy narcissism?
06:47 What happens to us without healthy narcissism
08:06 Where does healthy narcissism come from?

Healthy Narcissism: Why You Need It, How to Get It

Some aspects of narcissism help us, facilitating a longer life, lower stress, higher self-esteem and confidence, through self-enhancement or positive illusions. Healthy narcissism also powers our drive to persevere or strive for goals. In this video. learn the features of healthy narcissism, how they can be developed or learned and used in healthy ways. especially by echoists who often experience lower self-esteem, depression, and anxiety. Learn to self-enhance– just enough to celebrate yourself and successes 🙂

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ex

How to Nourish Your Children’s Relationship Your Ex’s Parents

ex's parents grandmother's hand reaching for grandchild's hand

 

Gone are the days of staying together for the children. Divorce is rough on everyone, but kids are not a reason why you should stay in an unhealthy or unhappy relationship. We’ve developed our co-parenting skills until we’ve got it down to a science, but one that can be difficult is helping our kids form a relationship with their grandparents — especially our ex’s parents. How can you help nourish your children’s relationship with them?

Nourish Your Children’s Relationship Your Ex’s Parents

Maintain Regular Contact

How often do your kids talk to your parents? Calling grandma and grandpa can be a fun way to stay in contact, but it shouldn’t be limited to one set of grandparents. If they call your parents once a week, or video chat since visiting is currently discouraged, they should be doing the same thing with your ex-in-laws.

It might sound like an easy step, but if you’re only talking to your ex’s parents on holidays or during major events, you’re leaving them out of a large part of their grandchildren’s lives. That makes it hard to build a relationship. If you’re not sure what they could talk about during their weekly calls, maybe schedule them for later in the evening. That way, grandma and grandpa can read them a bedtime story over the phone or video chat.

Make It a Co-parenting Rule

Even if you and your ex aren’t on the best of terms, you should create a set of co-parenting rules that help define your behavior around each other and the kids. If nourishing a relationship between your children and your ex’s parents is important to you, make sure it’s defined in your expectations.

Rules help outline your behavior so you don’t have to spend a lot of time conversing with one another outside of the context of your children. This is helpful if you’re not on good terms. They can also ensure neither one of you is going to interfere with the relationship your children are building with their respective grandparents.

Be Prepared for Anything

If 2020 has taught us anything, it’s that we need to be prepared for everything. The spread of the coronavirus has made visiting friends and family members — especially those that are elderly or have underlying health conditions — anathema because we could be putting them at risk.

Make sure you’re prepared for the unpredictable. That might sound impossible, because how can you get ready for something you can’t predict? However, if you take the right steps, nothing will surprise you.

Keep Things Civil

This should be one of your most important co-parenting rules, whether grandparents are involved or not. Everyone should be required to keep things civil. Don’t talk crap about your ex or their parents around your kids. Don’t let your ex or your former in-laws disparage you and your parenting methods.

This can be a deal-breaker, so if you want to foster a relationship between your children and your ex-in-laws, make sure everyone is on the same page. If anyone breaks that rule, you may need to limit contact with them until they understand the consequences of their actions. It sounds harsh, but even if you’re not in a relationship anymore, co-parenting is still a partnership. Everyone has to be on the same page, or it all falls apart.

Keep Them Involved in Holidays

This step might require a bit of creative scheduling, especially if the two halves of your family aren’t on the best of terms. However, holidays are an important part of relationship-building, especially for grandparents. You’ve got a lot of options here. You can have one big joint holiday gathering if everyone is on speaking terms with one another and can remain civil for a few hours for the sake of their grandchildren.

If that isn’t possible, consider multiple holiday celebrations held on different days. Visit your parents one day and your ex’s parents next. The following year, visit the ex’s parents first, and then yours so everything is balanced. Whatever you do, make sure you’re keeping everyone involved in the holidays they celebrate.

Remember — They’re Still Family

Even if things fell apart between you and your ex, once you have kids together, your in-laws are still family. They deserve to have a relationship with their grandchildren. While there may be situations where this kind of relationship isn’t possible or wanted, you need to do everything in your power to keep communications open.

You don’t have to compromise your parenting style to help your children build a relationship with your ex’s parents, but you owe it to them to help them connect with their grandparents on both sides of the family. Your kids will be happier for it, and you can show them the value of strong family connections.

The post How to Nourish Your Children’s Relationship Your Ex’s Parents appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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Dating During Divorce: 7 Reasons to “Chill-Out” on a New Relationship

Dating During Divorce: 7 Reasons to “Chill-Out” on a New Relationship

While your new relationship during the divorce may feel like the perfect medicine, it might have several negative consequences. Read about the top 7 reasons to “chill out” on the new romance.

The post Dating During Divorce: 7 Reasons to “Chill-Out” on a New Relationship appeared first on Divorce Magazine.

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settling for less than you deserve

5 Signs You’re Settling For Less Than You Deserve in Your Relationship

settling for less than you deserve

 

Are you in a romantic relationship or marriage that’s just not right but you’re not willing to risk ending it? Maybe you’ve convinced yourself that things will change or you’ve done something wrong to deserve less than optional treatment. Or your fear of being alone and feeling unlovable is unbearable.

Maybe he or she is gorgeous and treats you well but something is missing. Perhaps your family or friends have convinced you to hang in there or try harder.

You may even know intellectually that nobody should have to settle for less than they deserve but your emotions are conflicted.  This may leave you unwilling to take the chance of breaking things off because you fear you won’t meet someone else and will be alone for a long time.

Perhaps some of your friends have been single for a while and they complain about how hard it is to meet a nice man or woman. Underneath all of these rationalizations is a deep-seated fear of being alone.

Fear of Being Single:

New research conducted by Stephanie S. Spielman demonstrates that fear of being single is a meaningful predictor of settling for less in relationships.  In her groundbreaking study, Spielman discovered that the fear of being single predicts settling for less in romantic relationships. She found that fear of being single is a strong predictor of staying with a partner who is wrong for you.

Further, Spielman’s results showed that individuals who report being fearful of being alone will stay with unresponsive, less attractive partners rather than face that dreaded fate. Being fearful of being alone was also associated with being less selective of a potential partner at speed-dating events in her landmark study.

Let’s face it, nobody should have to settle for less than they deserve just for the sake of being part of a couple. But what is the source of your fear of being single? Although the answer varies from person to person, one factor that causes someone to settle is past experiences of romantic rejection and another is fear of prolonged singlehood.

Of all the difficult experiences that individuals face in life, being alone can be among the hardest. Growing up, you probably weren’t given good examples of how to be alone. It seems like everything you see in movies and TV and on the internet is about how to find the right partner, and make it work.

There’s nothing wrong with seeking love because it’s beautiful and can bring about some of the most treasured moments in our lives. But very few people know how to be alone and do it well. They aren’t happy to be alone. They fear it and seek love wherever they go. Too often the pleasure they find with falling in love is the sweet release of no longer being by themselves in the world.

Single women may be reluctant to acknowledge the challenges of being alone for fear of being seen as desperate or needy. According to author Sara Eckel, many of the stereotypes we have about single women are misleading. She writes, “The single life isn’t a prison sentence nor is it a cocktail party. It is simply a life – a life with responsibilities and rewards, good days and bad ones, successes, and failures.

In her article “Stop Telling Women They Are Fabulous,” she reminds us that we don’t really know how to discuss single women in our culture because in times past they were seen as lonely spinsters, quietly languishing in their studio apartments.

Too often I hear women (and some men) who are coupled up rationalize why they are still in a relationship when maybe they shouldn’t be. They say things like, “I know my relationship isn’t perfect, but at least . . . he doesn’t yell at me.” Or “he really is a good dad.” Or “he will always be faithful to me.” When I hear things like that I am reminded that breaking up with someone is an act of courage. To be honest with someone about why the relationship isn’t working is an act of love.

When you can accept that your relationship doesn’t make you the best person you can be, and you correct course by breaking up, you become immeasurably stronger.

Whatever the reason, if you assess that you are staying in a relationship that’s all wrong for you, it’s important to take a few steps to determine if you need to end it. This can take time and a commitment to loving and respecting yourself. However simplistic this may seem, self-love and self-respect are the basis of loving another person.

Here are 5 signs that you are settling for less than you deserve in your relationship:

  • The relationship brings you down and your significant other doesn’t inspire you to do your best. Perhaps he/she is overly critical or too focused on his/her needs to be supportive of you.
  • You feel you have to change yourself – your values, goals, or dreams for your partner to accept you.
  • You are in an emotionally or physically abusive relationship. You may have hidden this from family or friends due to shame or codependency issues – putting your partner’s needs before your own.
  • You’ve been cheated on repeatedly and keep giving him or her more chances in spite of the fact that he or she has proven to be untrustworthy.
  • You sacrifice too much. Since your partner is unable to compromise – you morph into someone else to accommodate his or her expectations, needs, or desires.

In closing, you may not be able to determine what’s wrong or missing in your intimate relationship at this moment. It could take time and perhaps the help of a skilled therapist or relationship coach to figure things out. In the meantime, remind yourself that you are worth the effort and deserve to be loved.

Often, the courage needed to end a relationship that is no longer meeting one or both partners’ needs shows the greatest strength. However, if you decide to stay in your relationship because you feel it’s worth trying to save, consider couples counseling if your partner is willing and motivated – before you walk away.

Let’s end with this quote from Sara Eckel: “Mostly, you gain strength when you learn to listen to your own voice and live life on your own terms.”

More from Terry:

Follow Terry Gaspard on Twitter, Facebook, and movingpastdivorce.com

The post 5 Signs You’re Settling For Less Than You Deserve in Your Relationship appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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silly romantic notions

4 Silly Romantic Notions You Don’t Want To Take Into Your Next Relationship

silly romantic notions

 

I enjoy reading, taking in a good movie, and chair dancing to the “top ten.” Who doesn’t enjoy being entertained, distracted and taken away by fantasy, music, and great prose? So, what’s the problem?

The influence these distractions have on how we view love and relationships can be detrimental. We learn lessons that don’t promote a realistic view of love and relationships. Ain’t it time to get real? Ain’t it time to stop taking unrealistic ideas about relationships into every relationship we enter.

Let’s face it, you aren’t going to kiss a toad and turn it into a prince. There is no night in shining armor going to ride to your rescue, and the only person who can complete you is YOU. So, let go of silly romantic notions and get real in your relationship.

Unlearn These Fairy 4 Tale Lessons:

Prince_Charming.jpgDisney Movies: Seriously? Prince Charming, a Knight in Shining Armor? If you are waiting to be rescued or believe your next relationship will be with some Disney movie “Prince” whose only wish is to fulfill your every need, you need to move on from such beliefs. It’s time to evict that notion, get it out of your head and get real. No one will rescue you, better than you can yourself. No one can fulfill your desires other than you.  Waiting around for a Knight in Shining Armor to do for you what you can do means never discovering your own strength and independence. Choose independence, not dependency! And, for goodness sake, no more frog kissing!

 

Mad Men: Yes, Don Draper is easy on the eyes and Robert Pattinson really knows how to protect a damsel in distress BUT one is a cheat, the other a bloodsucker. And lest I forget, both are emotionally distant. I bet you think you could tame that bad boy side of them, though, huh? You can’t so, why keep trying?

Angst-riddled, bad guys look good on film and love always wins out but in real life, bad boys are big trouble. Thinking you are the woman who will bring out the good guy is pure fantasy. Snap out of it!

 

 

complete me.jpgHe Completes Me: Ugh! The definition of complete is, “to make whole or perfect.” When you buy into the romantic idea that you are not “complete” until you meet Mr. Right what you are actually doing is selling yourself short. And, you are giving a man way more power over your emotions and well-being than he will ever earn. You aren’t ready for a new relationship if you don’t feel whole or perfect. Therapy maybe, new relationship, I don’t think so.

Stop with the Jerry McGuire thinking! Ask Katy Holmes how good Tom Cruise was at “completing” her. That didn’t turn out well! A successful relationship is attained when you go into it feeling whole and perfect as you are. And I suggest you do your best to find a man who feels whole and perfect in himself. He is going to have so much more to offer than one who isn’t “complete.”

love story.jpgLove is Blind: Or, means never having to say you’re sorry. Loving and being loved is about as good as it gets. Loving and being loved doesn’t mean there will be no conflict.

It doesn’t mean there aren’t things about that guy you love that drives you crazy. And there aren’t things about you that drives him crazy. Never turn a blind eye to hurts caused by your loved one. Never trust a loved one who turns a blind eye to your faults.

This is the real world, and a couple has to join together and face reality as partners to be successful both with each other and in surviving and thriving in a sometimes harsh environment. A real partnership grows stronger with adversity overcome by mutual effort; if one or both partners think life should be easy because they are expecting a fairy tale romance, the normal setbacks of life will have them blaming their partner and running for the exit sign.

Happiness or great sex or a perfect house is not the goal of a successful relationship; the goal is a bond that strengthens both of you and helps you be more the person you want to be. Happiness in marriage, when it happens, is a byproduct of love and loyalty and accomplishments together over time. It isn’t the result of “expecting” your “happily ever after.”

The post 4 Silly Romantic Notions You Don’t Want To Take Into Your Next Relationship appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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unhealthy relationship style

Was Your Divorce Caused By An Unhealthy Relationship Attachment Style?

unhealthy relationship style

 

Aside from infidelity, which also has a slew of underlying causes of its own, divorce is frequently the final outcome of a relationship that was unhealthy, to begin with. Unfortunately, when neither person is aware of their issues, they can hardly invest time to heal or look for professional help.

Consider the reasons that caused conflicts or even the very divorce between you and your spouse. Ask any of your divorced friends, and they’ll likely come up with similar responses to yours. They typically resemble statements such as “We couldn’t stop arguing”, “He became insanely jealous”, or “She never really opened up to me.”

Although the problem is far more complex than what a simple blog can cover, it can at the very least give you invaluable insights into how your bond works and what goes wrong – so that you can prevent future conflicts. The theory of attachment styles dates back to the sixties, and it helps us unravel the intricate behavioral patterns in the dynamics of our relationships.

Here are a few pointers to spot your own style and that of your former or potential spouse, and ways to help yourself overcome the most common pitfalls of unhealthy attachment forms.

How an Unhealthy Relationship Attachment Style Leads to Divorce

The paradox of anxious attachment

When you feel insecure and in constant need of affection and attention, accompanied by feelings of doubt in the love of your partner, you’re most likely developing an anxious attachment to them. These emotions are often expressed through anger, aggression, overwhelming sadness, and the partner will feel attacked as well as pressured into providing more care and affection.

The paradox lies in needing the affection of your partner while you simultaneously doubt its authenticity. When paired with a person prone to building avoidant attachments, the anxious partner will feel constantly tortured, especially when both fail to understand the underlying psychological factors at play.

Being complete before entering a relationship

No marriage dissolves because of one person, but because of the dynamics between two individuals. Likewise, no one is truly “complete” at any stage during their life, since we continue to evolve and change over the course of our entire existence. However, we can do so much on our part if and when we know how to take care of ourselves and grow as a person before and as we build our relationships.

This heavily depends on the society you are raised in, as in the Land of Down Under, there’s a great emphasis on the notion of wellbeing, self-care, and self-love. Their culture empowers people to care for themselves through healthy eating with the help of brands such as Australian Sports Nutrition paired with regular exercise. Taking good care of yourself is a great start in preventing highly dependent bonds in which you feel as if your very essence and value depend on the other person.

Perhaps we can learn something from a nation whose divorce rates have plummeted to their lowest in 40 years.

Avoidant attachment and its perils

The avoidant style presents itself in the form of a detached, emotionally unavailable person that prefers not to express their emotions or immerse themselves into an emotionally intense experience. One could say that they prefer no attachment at all.

However, you would be amiss to presume that this behavior is merely narcissistic or malevolent. It stems from fear of getting hurt and being vulnerable, and it serves as a defense mechanism. Unfortunately, it’s extremely difficult to communicate with someone who shuts down any attempt of close interaction, let alone form a long-lasting marriage with them.

Embracing the emotional learning curve

Although superficial bonds may have their appeal, marriages are never formed, nor sustained on sexual attraction alone or discussing the weather. It takes courage to recognize an opportunity to open up, and even more of it to actually take the risk of being hurt. Recognizing that you can safely express your feelings takes time. It also takes time to find appropriate methods for maneuvering those emotions that will protect your marriage.

You can embark on this journey alone, or you can work with a therapist to resolve your emotional troubles that have led to the end of your marriage. Even online options such as BetterHelp can serve you and your spouse well if you notice your issues in time. It’s important to note that we usually spend our entire lives recognizing our attachment style issues as they rear their not-so-attractive heads when we’re most vulnerable.

Feeling and forming secure attachments

Finally, secure attachments are formed only by individuals who feel good and confident in their own life, who might have had negative encounters, emotional and otherwise, but have been able to cope with them in healthy ways. When a person with avoidant or anxious attachment patterns connects with a secure partner, they are far more likely to embrace that secure mode of behavior over time. Still, that is not a promise, nor the best way to develop emotionally.

We all need to take responsibility for our own emotional wellbeing before we begin another marriage or start assigning blame for the mistakes of the past. It takes time, therapy, and proper self-care in our everyday lives to embrace new modes of acting and ways of connecting and bonding with our loved ones.

This article first appeared on DivorceMag.com

The post Was Your Divorce Caused By An Unhealthy Relationship Attachment Style? appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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15 Things You Give up in a Relationship With a Narcissist

15 Things You Give up in a Relationship With a Narcissist

If you have experienced emotional abuse from a narcissist, it is okay for you to feel like you deserve better. It’s also okay to not know what better is, or what you deserve.

The post 15 Things You Give up in a Relationship With a Narcissist appeared first on Divorce Magazine.

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How to Heal Your Relationship With Your Divorced Dad During the Holidays

How to Heal Your Relationship With Your Divorced Dad During the Holidays

Often people think they should feel a sense of warmth, togetherness, and gratitude on the holidays. By managing your expectations, keeping your situation in perspective, and choosing not to be victim, you can reclaim your power.

The post How to Heal Your Relationship With Your Divorced Dad During the Holidays appeared first on Divorce Magazine.

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improve communication in a relationship

How To Resolve Conflict And Improve Communication In a Relationship

improve communication in a relationship

 

It may seem obvious to some, but not all, that the best relationships are ones born out of trust and vulnerability.  Each partner approaches one another as an equal. The relationship does not drain its participants: instead, it nourishes. Differences between partners are complementary. These differences are advantageous and desirable and do not create a hindrance to the relationship; instead, they contribute to its growth.

In a healthy relationship, partners draw out untapped possibilities in one another.  So why does it seem so hard to maintain a blissful state of love with a partner over time?

Improve Communication In a Relationship

First of all, every relationship has its ups and downs, and conflict comes with the territory. Yet if you are a daughter of divorce, you may avoid conflict because it may have signified the end of your parents’ marriage. Marriage counselor, Michele Weiner Davis, explains that avoiding conflict backfires in intimate relationships. She posits that bottling up negative thoughts and feelings doesn’t give your partner a chance to change their behavior. On the other hand, she cautions that one of the secrets of a good marriage or romantic relationship is learning to choose battles wisely and to distinguish between petty issues and important ones.

Elizabeth’s Mother’s Day story provides a good example of a hot-button issue that needed to be resolved. Newlyweds Elizabeth and Zane have three children and have been in a committed relationship for many years.  One year, Zane picked up a quick Mother’s Day gift for her at a gas station, and Elizabeth’s feelings were deeply hurt. Because she placed great value on Mother’s Day, Elizabeth decided to take a risk and show her vulnerability to Zane by expressing her disappointment.  Since then, Zane has faithfully purchased a special Mother’s Day gift every year, and Elizabeth feels valued and loved by him.

Secondly, it’s important to stop keeping score and to try not to win every argument, even when you’re in the right. Instead, author Pat Love says, “think of winning an unofficial contest I like to call Who’s the Bigger Person? Resolving conflicts is about who wants to grow the most and what’s best for your relationship.” At the beginning of a relationship, couples tend to focus more on their similarities. Yet after a while, negative projections tend to surface and your partner may remind you of someone from your past. This may explain why some couples who seemed so compatible when they first get together, have more conflicts as time goes by.

Lauren, age 32, explains how identifying her part in communication breakdowns with her husband, Paul, helped save her marriage. “In the past, I used to focus on what Paul was doing wrong until a good friend reminded me that I may want to try harder to communicate my feelings to him without blaming him.”  Lauren realized that she hadn’t learned healthy ways of resolving conflicts from her parents who divorced when she was twelve, a pivotal age for adolescent development and observing your parents’ relationship patterns.

Like all smart women, Lauren realized that all relationships go through rough patches and that it takes two people to contribute to the difficulties. Since she liked being married overall, Lauren decided to focus more on Paul’s positive qualities – such as being a great father – rather than negative ones. “That’s when I noticed that I had a problem communicating. I expected Paul to know what I wanted without me telling him what I needed. When he failed, I’d punish him with the silent treatment, or blow up. When I let go of my efforts to fix him and started working on fixing myself, things began to get better,” she says.

The following steps to resolving conflicts and improving communication may be a starting point to building a fulfilling intimate partnership:

  • Take a risk and deal with hurt feelings – especially if it’s an important issue.
  • Approach conflict with a problem-solving attitude. Avoid trying to prove a point and examine your part in a disagreement.
  • Use “I” statements rather than “you” statements that tend to come across as blameful- such as “I felt hurt when you bought that gift.”
  • Don’t make threats or ultimatums. Avoid saying things you’ll regret the next day.
  • Take a short break if you feel overwhelmed or flooded. This will give you time to calm down and collect your thoughts.

Love also means risking occasionally getting your feelings hurt because it’s the price you pay for intimacy. In all intimate relationships there exist conflicting needs for closeness and space. When issues come up with either of those needs, it’s essential that you talk with your partner and find creative ways to make sure you both feel valued and listened to. Taking the time to work on resolving conflicts in a healthy way is hard work but the payoff is tremendous.

Terry Gaspard, MSW, LICSW

Follow Terry Gaspard on Twitter, Facebook, and movingpastdivorce.com. Her book Daughters of Divorce: Overcome the Legacy of Your Parents’ Breakup and Enjoy a Happy, Long-Lasting Relationship is available on her website.

Terry’s new book, The Remarriage Manual: How to Make Everything Work Better the Second Time Around, will be published by Sounds True in February of 2020.

More from Terry

This blog originally appeared on movingpastdivorce.com

The post How To Resolve Conflict And Improve Communication In a Relationship appeared first on Divorced Moms.



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stayed so long in psychologically abusive relationship

Why I Stayed So Long In a Psychologically Abusive Relationship

stayed so long in psychologically abusive relationship

 

It has been a little over 15 months since it occurred to me that I needed to escape.

That staying with a controlling, and psychologically abusive person was harming my kids more in the long run, than the effects of leaving and starting a whole new life would.

That maybe, just maybe, if I had the strength to endure this treatment for so many years, that I could find the strength to leave.

And so I left.. or started the grueling process of leaving.

Over a year later the most common question I’ve been asked, “Why did you stay?”

So for those of you that have never been in a relationship like this one, that sadly so many of us have been, I thought I would try to answer that burning question.

Why I Stayed So Long In a Psychologically Abusive Relationship

Many assume it is simply the idea of breaking up a family that keeps us in the cycle of abuse. But I am here to say .. no… that is not what made me stay.

Forgive me as my ability to express myself in writing has never been my strong suit.. but here goes.

We stay because we have been controlled and manipulated to believe that we have no other viable options. There are often elements of financial control among a lot of other seemingly simple reasons that keep us in “it”. But they are not simple…not simple at all.

I can only speak on my own behalf here but I suspect that others will be able to relate on some level.

Poor self-worth. Fear. The belief deep down, from years of damage, that we are not worthy of anything better. That we are not strong enough, on our own, to provide for ourselves and/ our kids. Our identity has been slowly taken away, piece by piece until we no longer know who we are, what we want, and most importantly, what we are capable of.

It began for me as small bits of mind control that left me dependent and uncertain.

It got so deeply ingrained into my subconscious mind that I was not good enough or strong enough. These small acts that I endured on a daily basis reaffirmed, in my damaged and vulnerable mind, exactly what my abuser wanted me to feel. Doubtful, scared, and unworthy.

But because each of these small bits of exposure are just that.. small.. especially at first… it became the norm for me. I forgot how to challenge my own thoughts. Forgot how my own beautiful intuition worked. The supposed “red flags” people warned me about. I was made to feel those were endearing ways that my abuser used to show his love. My value slowly changed .. it became based on pleasing my abuser as opposed to rocking the boat.

My own “gut” feeling was slowly reprogrammed to accept that this was love and totally normal.

Each incident, each cycle, that often ended with a “honeymoon” phase of attention, affection, and a brief break from the actual abuse, told me that I must be crazy to feel this was wrong. That he loved me, look at all he is doing to show me his love.

This is all part of the game of control.

The words of affirmation that came in those moments were used to fuck up my instincts. To make me convince myself that I must be wrong. And hence..”gut”, “intuition”, “red flags” were all my own broken thoughts. That there is no way that this could be bad when he clearly loves me soooo much. WRONG!!

Bit by bit the small bits became bigger bits. Looking in, looking back now from a safe and happy place, I can see that. But in those years and years that I endured this, when I thought I was becoming stronger I was actually becoming more and more used to this abuse. It became so normal and routine that it no longer even felt concerning. It was just how love worked.

In fact, if it was slightly muted because maybe he was distracted by a new job or business, it felt weird and uncomfortable for me. So then I would try harder to please and conform and seek the abuse and control that was slowly killing me on the inside because it was how I thought love was meant to be shown.

Abuse became my love language.

Insane right? How could that be? Well, friends, that is how it works. Manipulation and control slowly eat away at your soul until it no longer is your own soul at all.

In a strange twist of events, it finally occurred to me one day when my young child was verbally abusive and disrespectful and I thought to myself “how dare you treat another human, especially your mom, this way. Where do you get off thinking this is okay?”

OMG .. somewhere inside of me the “fight or flight” mode that humans are wired with, but abuse victims are rewired to deactivate, was switched back on. How on earth could I have been so stupid to not see what had been happening all these years until this very moment? And what the actual fuck do I do about it now that I have children, absolutely no financial control, and no self-esteem or self-worth.

I am the lucky one. The one that is surrounded by caring and loving friends and family. The one that finally found the strength to realize that the “how” and “when” didn’t matter anymore. Only the “why” mattered now.  Why I had to get the fuck out is the “why” that I mean.

Some of us are not so lucky.

Some of us may never have an “aha moment” that triggers that fight or flight mode back into action. The programming that is done day after day, year after year, is so damn hard to breakthrough. Some of us are not surrounded by loving and caring friends and family that we know will help us pick up the pieces of our broken lives and put them back together. Some of us are not so lucky, and that type of abuse turns into physical violence, and we feel even more trapped and damaged and afraid.

ALL of us need to remember that we never can tell what goes on behind closed doors. That one simple and kind gesture might be enough to show the “unlucky” one the real, kind, caring love that they deserve and be the switch flipper they need to reactivate fight or flight mode.

To this day I am struggling with uncovering more and more ways that this abuser scarred me. I am easily triggered, it is hard for me to know what real and healthy love and relationships feel like. It has been HARD AS FUCK to remember the fierce, confident, self-assured, smart, in control of her own thoughts, independent, and brave woman that used to live in this body.

So thank you to those that put up with my pushing them away year after year, and thank you to those that never gave up on that woman that was hiding away inside that scared and abused mind, and thank you to those that have pushed me to see my potential, and thank you to those that have shown me what true healthy love should feel like and look like, and thank you to those that remind me that I am worth it, and thank you to those that do not give up on me and my kids because they know we deserve to be surrounded by loving and caring and supportive people, and thank you to those that kick my ass on days that I forget all of this took so much fucking strength that getting through the rest of life should be a breeze in comparison.

I will tell you that it takes more courage and strength to leave and to find that woman again than it did to endure that abuse year after year.  I will also tell you that if any tiny part of this feels like your life, you are fucking worth it, and if I can do it, you can too.

The post Why I Stayed So Long In a Psychologically Abusive Relationship appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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