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How Narcissistic Relationships End – Preparing For The Aftermath

How Narcissistic Relationships End – Preparing For The Aftermath

 

Ending a relationship with a narcissist can be very challenging. It is not like a normal breakup.

If you do know what can happen, what to expect and how to prepare yourself, then you will get through this process much faster and more easily.

I can’t wait to share how to deal with the inevitable smearing, cruel discard, and unrealistic entitlement by the narcissist and how to protect your emotional, spiritual and mental self and your precious children.

 

 

Video Transcript

Breaking up with a narcissist is not easy.

It’s nothing like the ending of a normal relationship.

If you don’t know what a narcissist is capable of, or what to expect, it will leave you reeling.

However, if you do know what can happen, what to expect and how to prepare yourself, then you will get through this process much faster and more easily.

That’s exactly what I want to help you achieve, by sharing this episode with you today.

If you really need this information, because you have already split up, or are in the split up process, or you know that you are heading towards it, please let me know in the comments below.

Okay, let’s get started on today’s episode!

This Person Won’t Care About You

For many of you, I know that this is a hugely difficult time during the coronavirus epidemic.

Many of you are still stuck with a narcissist even though maybe you were about to break up. Or you have broken up, even though you are still living together, or you know that you desperately need to break up.

Whichever case it is, or if you are still struggling in the aftermath of a breakup with a narcissist, I hope that this information can help you.

Let’s start off with how a narcissistic character rolls during and after breakups.

When dealing with a narcissist, even at the best of times, this person doesn’t think or operate like a normal human being. It’s not personal, they just don’t have the capacity to be any other way apart from it being all about them.

I can’t express to you enough how important it is to not get hung up on expecting decency, normality or sensibility when separating from a narcissist.

The narcissist is not concerned about your welfare, or how healthily you can move on after the relationship ends. According to the perpetual victimhood of narcissism, it’s actually you that has treated them abysmally and are to blame for everything.

The narcissist will want to punish you. He or she believes you need to suffer for what you’ve done.

None of this is based on rationale, and it’s not something that you can argue with the narcissist. Narcissistic reasoning can’t be reasoned with, all you can do is protect yourself against it.

When breaking up with the narcissist, make sure that you safeguard everything that you can. Many people have been shocked to discover money was taken out of bank accounts, furniture was removed and hidden, and personal items that were close to your heart were hijacked, never to be handed over.

I know that this is even more of a challenge during the times of this pandemic, but please think smart, and keep your cards close to your chest. Make your moves and secure your things in a way that the narcissist does not know about and be very careful who you tell and trust.

Narcissists are very good at keeping allies close to them.

The Inevitable Smearing

There will be incredible lies spread to all and sundry about the “terrible” person you are, and all the apparent bad things that you have done and are doing.

Not only will this information be fabricated, stretched or incomplete; it is likely to be a projection of what the narcissist did and is doing themselves.

I know this can sucker punch so hard that you wonder how you will ever recover from it. Yet, I really want to emphasise that this behaviour is completely normal for a narcissist. Expect it, and then it won’t be as much of a shock.

Let go of being mortified by these outrageous behaviours and actions, so that you don’t hook in trying to receive justice. If you react it is going to make matters so much worse for you.

It’s vital that you detach, keep releasing all of these intense feelings of trauma and injustice and keep as healthy and whole on the inside as you can.

This is the most powerful formula regarding being able to navigate what is necessary.

The less affected you are and the less you feed what is happening the stronger the position you’re in to get through this.

Being Discarded Cruelly

When relationships disintegrate in a narcissist’s life, he or she must change “the scene of the play” to appease and protect their ego.

This includes discrediting and devaluing you as now being unimportant and irrelevant. It also includes creating a “new script” and throwing the old one in the trash.

This means that you will be written out of his or her life as if you never existed.

I know of so many people, even after decades of being married to a narcissist, being discarded and treated with complete indifference and cruelty, and being completely shattered.

Especially after giving their heart, soul, allegiance and energy to this person for so long.

If this happens, please know as personal as it feels, it is just the way a narcissist operates.

My highest suggestion to you, rather than going through the agony of months or even years of the torturous emotions of this, is to turn inside and start healing and quickly get relief.

I promise you this works to get free of the most horrific trauma there is.

My NARP program will move you through the grief and devastation very quickly, which brings relief, as well as helping you be strong for what is coming ahead.

Unrealistic Entitlement

When a narcissist breaks up, he or she believes that they are entitled to as much as they can get their hands on.

This is no different to the narcissist’s behaviour and attitude anyway, which is completely self-absorbed.

Not only is the narcissist callous about how you will fare in the future, he or she believes (through any insane justification) that they should be getting the majority, if not all the goodies.

You will experience ridiculous settlement expectations and even barbaric solicitor-initiated demands.

Don’t try to cut a fair deal, because it just won’t be possible.

There are really only two options that you are left with, which is stand up and keep releasing the trauma that is being triggered and fight the fair fight legally, or be prepared to relinquish a great deal of what is rightly yours and walk away.

Only you know what will be right for you.

In the past I let go and relinquished and rebuilt, incredibly successfully, because I was able to take my soul, healing and freedom back.

However, with what I know now, I would have released the trauma and taken the narcissist legally through the courts.

I have seen so many wonderful and incredible results that Thrivers have achieved as a result of doing the inner work with NARP and then calmly and solidly taking legal action.

If you Google my name and the words “court”, “custody” and “settlement” you will find numerous resources on this topic to help you.

Throwing the New Supply in Your Face

This is one of the cruellest things that can happen, and it happens regularly with a narcissist, when your relationship ends with them.

He or she may make sure you discover the new love in their life, and paint a picture as if this person is so much better for them than you ever were.

To add insult to injury the narcissist will integrate with this person’s life and include them into theirs and quite possibly your children’s lives too, as if the life they had with you never existed.

Naturally, the trauma from being replaced with ‘new supply’ is devastating. It’s one of the worst things anyone can experience.

It is probable that you are experiencing so much trauma and shock that you couldn’t even think of beginning a new relationship. Unlike the narcissist who can move on in the time that it takes to boil an egg. It’s just what they do.

I promise you with all my heart that when you release and heal from these terrible inner traumatic feelings, you won’t care who the narcissist is with and you will be relieved that it’s not you.

NARP helps you get there very quickly and powerfully, and it’s a beautiful day when you reach this place! Take it from me. I went through this as well.

The Effect on Your Children

I know that so many of you are extremely concerned about the effect on your children, when breaking up with a narcissist.

This is a topic very dear to my heart, as it was a huge journey for me personally with my son Zac.

As a Mother, over the last decade plus, I have been deeply heart-connected to thousands of people abused by narcissists, regarding helping their children.

When breaking up with a narcissist this is a very difficult time for you and your relationship with your children, because of all the trauma that you’re experiencing. Additionally, the narcissist may be attempting to alienate you from your children.

At no time is it more vital to be able to heal and stay emotionally solid and strong. It may seem impossible to do so, especially when you feel such concern for your children as well.

I promise you that with intense and dedicated inner work it is possible.

I’d love to include several resources on this topic for you that are on the blog:

How to Help Your Children Who Are Affected By Narcissists

Parent’s Empowering Themselves For Their Children’s Sake

And …

What to do When You’re Alienated From Your Child

(For additional resources on this topic, all you need to do is google my name + children, and many more will come up for you.)

Dealing With the Aftershock

You may be stunned to discover that after leaving a narcissist, relief doesn’t come.

In fact, it is normal that the painful feelings and trauma will escalate and get worse before they get better.

People in your life may not understand this. They think … “Because you are away from this person, aren’t you supposed to be getting better now?”

Nothing could be further from the truth. What is more likely is that you will feel like you are having a cataclysmic breakdown.

In my article How to Leave The Narcissist With Your Emotions Intact I wrote this:

“‘Aftershock’ is a very real phenomenon after leaving a narcissist. When you are stuck in the fight with the narcissist you are in survival mode, and somehow that keeps you alive.

When you leave the narcissist, you will experience grave Complicated and/or Post Traumatic Stress Disorder symptoms. Not unlike a wartime survivor, the entire trauma has a chance to hit when you have got away.

The abuse from yesterday, last week, last month and last year now activates. You are also caught up in the intense mind-bending withdrawal of the addiction to the trauma.”

My greatest recommendation to you at this time is:

Don’t try to tend to your aftershock logically.

Our trauma comes from a much deeper, unconscious place within us that is operating below the level of the logical mind. It needs to be met at a body, somatic level, in order to be released from it.

So many people, myself included, found powerful and quick relief as a result of releasing the trauma from our cellular Inner Beings.

By removing the horrific panic, fight and flight, and all of the obsessive feelings including longing and regret, this grants an emotional platform to find a way up and out of the abuse and into our new and true life.

I promise you, just like coronavirus, this horribly stressful time CAN pass.

You will get through this, and myself and this community stand with you and for you to help you do that.

Those of you who are interested in learning more about NARP, and what Quanta Freedom Healing can do for you, I’d love you to join me in my upcoming free Masterclass which is on Wednesday the 29th of April, where you can learn the deeper Quantum Truths about healing for real, and how they have liberated thousands of people, just like you, into abuse free Thriving lives.

You can sign up to my free Masterclass by clicking this link.

I can’t wait to join with you, for profound healing there!

And as always, I look forward to answering your comments and questions below.

 

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truths about domestic violence

5 Truths About Domestic Violence And Abusive Relationships

truths about domestic violence

 

Domestic violence and abuse are becoming an epidemic in today’s culture. It is estimated that 38,028,000 women will experience physical intimate partner violence at some point during their lives.

Men can fall victim to abusive relationships as well. According to the National Domestic Violence Hotline, 1 in 10 American men have experienced physical violence, stalking, or rape inflicted by a partner. Another 1 in 7 men will be the victims of severe physical abuse at the hand of a romantic partner.

Whether the perpetrator is male or female, studies show that abusers often share the same traits of aggression, mood swings, no self-control, severe jealousy, and high rates of suspicion.

Are you or someone you know experiencing domestic violence and abuse? Here are 5 sobering facts about abusive relationships and what you can do to help.

5 Truths About Domestic Violence

TRUTH #1. It’s More Common Than We Think

Many people have a caricatured version of who they believe to be in an abusive relationship and that the abusive is obvious. That one spouse will be constantly yelling at their partner, or that bruises or other signs of physical abuse are apparent.

Perhaps they believe people in abusive relationships are from a lower socioeconomic background. But this simply isn’t true.

One sad truth about domestic violence and abuse is that they are much more common than one might think. It happens to children, teenagers, and adults, with nearly 1.5 million high school students nationwide experiencing physical abuse from a romantic partner each and every year.

It is estimated that 11,766 American women are killed every year by their husbands or boyfriends, which is more than the war in Afghanistan and Iraq combined.

Abusive relationships are common and it’s time to shed some light on the truth.

TRUTH #2. Your Spouse Becomes Extremely Possessive and Controlling

As mentioned at the onset, jealousy is a common trait of abusive relationships. Partners seek to control their spouse to prevent them from cheating. Abusers may use the following tactics to control their spouse:

  • Isolating spouse from friends and family in fear that close associates will help the victim leave the toxic relationship.
  • Threatening self-harm if a partner says they are ending the relationship
  • Resorting to physical violence to prevent a partner from socializing
  • Forcing a partner to quit their job so that they are financially reliant on the abuser

Such behavior can be traumatizing to the victim. It is estimated that 81% of women experiencing stalking, physical violence, or rape by an intimate partner will end up being injured physically or will develop some form of post-traumatic stress disorder.

TRUTH #3. Abuse is More than Physical Violence

Physical abuse is clear to define. It occurs when one partner acts violently toward the other. Slapping, kicking, grabbing, pushing, beating, or using a weapon against a partner is clear-cut, unacceptable behavior.

But one truth about abusive relationships is that abuse hardly ends with physical violence.

Emotional abuse is a common method of control done by an abuser. Emotional abuse can take the form of insults, demeaning speech, making a partner feel crazy or stupid, bipolar mood swings, blaming a partner for poor behavior, and using religion or guilt to force a partner to stay.

Statistics show that 1 in 5 women and 1 in 71 men have been raped in their lifetime. This is a facet of an abusive relationship.

Sexual abuse is marked by any unwanted sexual advances or forced intercourse. Sexual control is another form of abuse, perhaps making a partner watch adult films or participate in sexual acts they are uncomfortable with. Refusing to allow a partner to practice safe sex or sexually humiliating or degrading a partner also fall under sexual abuse.

Domestic violence and abuse can also involve withholding food, shelter, and finances from a spouse.

TRUTH #4. Not all Abusive Relationships are Obvious

While it’s true that some abusers may be negative, controlling, uncaring people, many have positive qualities that draw victims in.

Abusers are commonly charming, loving individuals who will apologize for their bad behavior only to repeat it time and again. In some cases, the abuse may not start for some time. It may even be years. An abusive relationship may start off as loving and wonderful as the start of any normal relationship. This is what makes abusers so hard to spot.

TRUTH #5. Leaving Is Hard

Often, when one hears the intimate details of an abusive relationship they will ask “Why didn’t he/she just leave?”

The truth is, abusers, do not make it easy for their partners to leave the relationship. They have physically or mentally beaten down the victim until their self-esteem is nonexistent.

A spouse may feel they are not capable of leaving. Their abuser has told them that this is the best they will ever be able to do in life or may withhold finances, their children, or other provisions to prevent a separation from occurring.

It is also common for an abuser to enter a honeymoon phase after abuse has occurred. They may be on their best behavior for a time, apologizing to the wounded spouse and promising to change their ways.

A victim’s forgiving nature or love for their spouse may compel them to stay and help their partner.

Research indicates that a victim will attempt to leave an abusive relationship 7 times before leaving for good.

Leaving an abusive situation can be very dangerous, especially for women, with most violence and deaths occurring during an attempt to leave.

Visit the Domestic Violence Intervention Program for an extensive checklist for leaving an abusive relationship in the safest way possible.

Has your relationship turned toxic? It may be in your best interest to consider separation in marriage. Put the safety of you or your children first by getting out of an aggressive and unhealthy home. If you need help getting out of an abusive situation, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or text 1-800-787-3224

The post 5 Truths About Domestic Violence And Abusive Relationships appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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build emotional intimacy

8 Questions That Help Build Emotional Intimacy In Relationships

build emotional intimacy

 

Part of being human means having emotional needs.

We want to be loved and to give love.

We want to feel we belong and have a sense of purpose. We want to feel self-esteem and respect from others.

These are some of the most common needs, but individuals have emotional needs unique to them. In a healthy relationship, both of you understand the other’s primary emotional needs, and you both work to respond to them because you love and respect your partner.

In order to get your emotional needs met in a relationship, you should discuss those needs with your relationship partner. It’s imperative that you each know the other’s emotional needs in order to meet those needs.

Below are questions that you and your partner can use to open up a line of communication about emotional needs. What they are, whether they are being met and, if not, what needs to change.

Questions That Help Build Emotional Intimacy In Relationships

1. Am I responsive enough to your emotional needs?

We can’t expect anyone person to meet all our emotional needs, even our love partners. Sometimes we have needs that are beyond the scope of any one person to handle.

But we can ask our partners to be responsive to our needs and to honor them. There are some emotional needs your partner might be happy and willing to meet, but he or she is simply not aware of them. It’s your job to enlighten your partner.

There might be needs that they aren’t able to meet. Discuss the emotional needs you have where you’d like more from your partner. Speak honestly and specifically about what you are each willing to offer the other, and discuss alternatives for getting your needs met without your partner if necessary.

2. What should I say to you when I need more from you emotionally?

It’s hard to hear the words, “I need more from you. I need more love, more affection, more respect, and more intimacy.” We all want to feel like we’re enough, that we are appreciated and accepted for all that we do and give to our partners.

But you can’t intuit all your partner’s needs, and you might not be able to understand or relate to some of them. Even so, your partner should feel comfortable expressing those needs and asking you to respond to them. How can you make that request safe and easy for your partner?

3. Do I give you enough emotional space?

One of your emotional needs might be autonomy and freedom. Perhaps you need less emotionally than your spouse does. Needing emotional space doesn’t mean you don’t want to be intimate or close with your partner.

You can balance the need for closeness with the desire for space. Ask each other if you have enough emotional space. If not, exactly what kind of space do you need, and how can your partner support you in this need?

4. What could I do to make you feel more understood?

Even if we can’t meet all of our partner’s emotional needs, we can strive to empathize with him or her. We can listen and show we care. We can acknowledge the efforts at meeting his or her own needs (for self-esteem or independence, for example) or in reaching out to another support person to help.

We can let our partners know they aren’t in this alone, and that we acknowledge and understand their feelings and desires.

5. Do you feel free to express your emotions with me?

Some of us are more expressive with our feelings than others. We laugh and cry easily and have little difficulty saying what we feel. Others don’t feel so free to express emotion, especially painful emotions.

Or we might express our feelings in unhealthy ways, such as anger or withdrawal. In a love relationship, we need to feel safe expressing our deepest emotions, especially those that are painful or shameful.

We need to know that our loved one will treat our feelings tenderly, without judgment or criticism. Find out from your partner whether or not he or she is completely at ease with you in expressing emotions. If not, what is holding him or her back?

6. Do you have any negative emotions about our relationship you need to express?

We might hold back when expressing our emotions because we fear the reaction of our partners. Maybe they will be hurt or angry. Maybe they won’t understand. Maybe they’ll diminish how we feel.

If either of you are harboring negative emotions about the relationship, you need to discuss these and get to the root cause. When communicating negative emotions, speak kindly and constructively. When listening, set aside defensiveness. If negativity exists for one of you, it is an issue you both need to resolve.

7. What from your past has shaped your emotional needs and reactions?

So many of our emotional reactions and triggers are shaped by our childhood experiences. How you were parented and the environment in which you grew up can have a profound effect on your emotional well-being as an adult.

Your significant other can’t fully understand you and your needs until he or she knows something about how the past has shaped your outlook and behaviors. Share with each other the positive and negative events that have contributed to your particular emotional needs.

Would you consider yourself a highly sensitive person, and if so, how can I support you?

A highly sensitive person (HSP) is one who feels things more keenly than the average person. You notice more subtleties in the environment, feel overwhelmed by too much sensory input, and are easily affected by other people’s moods.

You have a rich inner life and enjoy creative pursuits. You also need time alone to recharge and get relief from too much stimulation. Highly sensitive people are extremely conscientious and try hard to please others.

If one or both of you are highly sensitive, you will need to have a special understanding of the traits of HSPs and what they need in order to feel comfortable and thrive. This is particularly true for the non-sensitive, as many of the HSP traits might seem overly sensitive or needy. However, this trait is perfectly normal and has many positive qualities. Find out how your highly sensitive partner needs your understanding and support.

8. What other ways do you have for dealing with your emotions if I feel overwhelmed by them?

When emotions run high during conflict or during times of difficulty or pain, both partners might be flooded with emotion and have little reserve to offer each other. If you are accustomed to turning to your spouse or partner for emotional support, then you need an alternative plan when you are both feeling overwhelmed.

If one of you loses a job, there’s a death in the family, or you have financial difficulties, you both might need outside support to see you through. What is your emotional back-up plan if your partner can’t handle your emotions in a particular situation?

The post 8 Questions That Help Build Emotional Intimacy In Relationships appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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The Problem of Non-Commitment In Relationships Post-Divorce

The Problem of Non-Commitment In Relationships Post-Divorce

In the past, you met someone, started dating, and a relationship with commitment followed. Nowadays, it seems that there seems to be a problem of non-commitment in relationships after divorce.

The post The Problem of Non-Commitment In Relationships Post-Divorce appeared first on Divorce Magazine.

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58 signs you may be codependent

Codependent Relationships: 58 Signs You May Be Codependent

58 signs you may be codependent

 

Codependent relationships are a type of dysfunctional helping relationship where one person supports or enables another person’s addiction, abusive behavior, poor mental health, immaturity, irresponsibility, or under-achievement.

According to Melody Beattie, author of Codependent No More, “As professionals began to understand codependency better, more groups of people seem to have it. Adult children of alcoholics, people in relationships with emotionally disturbed people, people in relationships with irresponsible people and people in relationships with abusive people.”

Basically, a codependent is a person who gives more in a relationship than they get and holds onto the hope that their partner will change. Codependents enable, make excuses and make the relationship problems worse due to their inability to care more for themselves than they do their relationship partner or, the relationship.

Divorce court dockets are filled with people wondering what they could have done differently to save their marriages. If you are codependent, there is always something you can do to make things better, regardless of how darn bad a marriage gets. Are you codependent?

Below are 62 Signs You May Be a Codependent:

1. You know you are codependent when your therapists tell you to take back your life and you think, “I have to get a life first!”

2. You know you are codependent when you honestly think you can change your abuser and that someday your abuser will come through for you. All you have to do is hang in there!

3. You know you are codependent when things are going well but you are waiting for the other shoe to drop.

4. You know you are codependent when you jump through hoops and you aren’t even in the circus.

5. You know you are codependent when “I’m a Slave For You” is your favorite Britney Spears song.

6. You know you are codependent when you starve at an all-you-can-eat buffet because your partner can’t find anything they want to eat.

7. You know you are codependent when someone asks you, “What do you think?” and you are baffled because you haven’t given it much thought.

8. You know you are codependent when it is your birthday party and you go out of your way to see if everyone is enjoying themselves.

9. You know you are codependent when your motto is “whatever it takes”.

10. You know you are codependent when you get a sex change because your partner decides, suddenly, that they are gay. You go above and beyond to keep a lover happy!

11. You know you are codependent when your least favorite song is Mary J. Blige’s song, “No More Drama”.

12. You know you are codependent when you develop spondylitis because of the sack of guilt on your back.

13. You know you are codependent when your favorite childhood game was “SORRY”.

14. You know you are codependent when you love the cologne “Obsession”.

15. You know you are codependent when you have just come out of major surgery with the operation taking longer than expected and you feel guilty that your partner had to wait additional time.

16. You know you are codependent when you have 200 channels to pick from but you hand the remote to your partner.

17. You know you are codependent when you are told you are indecisive. You initially deny this then you say, “I am not indecisive…am I?”

18. You know you are codependent when you are from a warm climate yet you live in a place with a freezing weather 9 months out of the year because your partner has a weird fixation with sledding.

19. You know you are codependent when you apply for a job and the interviewer says, “Tell me a little about yourself” and you proceed to tell them about your partner’s love of hunting, skiing, and baseball.

20. You know you are codependent when you deny the first dance with your wife at your wedding reception because your mother is pouting in the corner because no one is paying her any attention.

21. You know you are codependent when you train intensely for a marathon and on the day of the event, you don’t run it because your partner is having a moment.

22. You know you are codependent when you apply for a “catering” job and your potential boss ask you if you have any experience and you reply, “Plenty”.

You know you are codependent when you hate country music but love the song, “Stand by Your Man”.

24. You know you are codependent when you think “Pleasant dreams” is an oxymoron.

25. You know you are codependent when your favorite Led Zeppelin song is “Ramble On”.

26. You know you are codependent when you could relate to the Secret Service for “taking a bullet” for protecting your guy. The only difference is they get paid for it.

27. You know you are codependent when you respect Paul Simon but don’t get it when he sings about “50 Ways to Leave Your Lover”.

28. You know you are codependent when your dad doesn’t give you any credit. He runs down your new fella saying he is not ambitious enough yet you are dating Pete Cashmore.

29. You know you are codependent when you apologize to your therapist for “talking too much” yet you are paying him/her for the privilege of talking.

30. You know you are codependent when you love the Beatles song, “We Can Work it Out”. It is your relationship anthem!

31. You know you are codependent when your therapist tells you to love yourself unconditionally and you come up with, “what else you got”?

32. You know you are codependent when you compare talking about yourself to The Wicked Witch in “The Wizard of Oz” losing the plot when Dorothy threw water on her.

33. You know you are codependent when you are attracted to irresponsible, rude bad boys who put you in your place and 20 years later you are still taking it.

34. You know you are codependent when your therapist develops writer’s cramp when you start listing all the things you hate about yourself.

35. You know you are codependent when you are raised in a “no talk of feelings” type of family and you tell your partner that your parents did the “best they could”.

36. You know you are codependent when stalking laws were written with you in mind. Get out from behind that bush!

37. You know you are codependent when the school bully takes your lunch money every day for a year but you forgive him because he has had a tough time of it at home.

38. You know you are codependent when your partner gives you flowers every time he cheats on you and now you have enough flowers to open up your own garden center. And, he is still cheating.

39. You know you are codependent when your drill instructor calls you a “no good, walking the dog, lowlife scumbag who doesn’t have what it takes” and you are impressed with his insight.

40. You know you are codependent when you easily forgive your parents because let’s not forget they had it so bad when they were growing up BUT you can’t give yourself a break on anything.

41. You know you are codependent when your favorite CD is Janet Jackson’s “Control”.

42. You know you are codependent when you have more issues than DC Comics.

43. You know you are codependent when you give great advice but you don’t practice what you preach.

44. You know you are codependent when you want to see your favorite group Santana in concert. You choose not to go when you see the name of the concert is, “An Intimate Evening With Santana” because you don’t do intimacy.

45. You know you are codependent when you seek out people who are emotionally unavailable. The irony is they think you are too emotional.

46. You know you are codependent when you work out to “If I Can’t Have You I Don’t Want Nobody, Baby” by Yvonne Elliman.

47. You know you are codependent when you can relate to a puppet because someone is always pulling your strings.

48. You know you are codependent when the people you admire are looked down on by other people.

49. You know you are codependent when your mother talks shit about you, yet you go out of your way to get her something nice for Mother’s day because deep down she, “really cares.”

50. You know you are codependent when you always reward your abusers for bad behavior.

51. You know you are codependent when you live by the expression “he isn’t so bad once you get to know him.”

52. You know you are codependent when you receive praise and scratch it off like a dog with fleas.

53. You know you are codependent when your mom tells you that you are weak for needing help and you think she has a point.

54. You know you are codependent when you don’t realize you have the strength to rid yourself of your abuser.

55. You know you are codependent when the title of the song “Sacrifice” by Elton John describes you.

56. You know you are codependent when you hang out at bars and attract all the damaged women who need to be rescued and, you think you got lucky.

57. You know you are codependent when you don’t do yourself any favors.

58. You know you are codependent when, after reading this list, you still can’t acknowledge your codependency.

The post Codependent Relationships: 58 Signs You May Be Codependent appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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do you express or suppress your feelings

Relationships: Do You Express Or, Suppress Your Feelings?

do you express or suppress your feelings

 

Do you express or, suppress your feelings? How one feels about their feelings and what they do with them can have either a positive or negative effect on their marriage.

I had a conversation over the weekend with a friend and this subject came up. We talked about how our exes were convinced we were, “crazy.” Both husbands had been taught, as children, to suppress their feelings whereas she and I had been taught to express our feelings reasonably. I can clearly see how someone who suppresses feelings would view someone who expresses them as looney tunes. I can see it but, I can’t condone it.

Do You Express or Suppress Your Feelings?

It is far healthier to express feelings that to suppress feelings. When you marry someone who was taught, as a child, those bad feelings are a sign of weakness, that anger is scary and expressing feelings is harmful and can lead to them losing control of their feelings, it’s easy to understand them labeling someone who deals with feelings differently as “crazy.”

Below are ways people who have learned to suppress their feelings protect themselves.

  1. They don’t put a lot of thought into their own emotional state. They go through life on autopilot!
  2. They view people who express feelings as being “out of control.” This could be the reason so many men label an ex as “Borderline Personality Disordered.”
  3. They ignore negative feelings and “move on.” In other words, they don’t deal with or attempt to solve the issue that is causing negative feelings.
  4. They view people who express their feelings as “acting out.” People who are trying to get their way and not people who are simply talking about their feelings and trying to solve a problem.
  5. They ignore or pay little attention to people who are sad or angry. Doing so can cause a spouse to feel rejected, dismissed or disliked.
  6. They do whatever they have to do to keep from feeling negative feelings. This can be giving in to a spouse or, completely ignoring their emotional needs to keep from having to deal with an upset or angry spouse.

Suppressing Feelings Affect Marriage?

Suppressing feelings can cause a spouse to feel rejected and their feelings dismissed. Suppressing feelings interferes in a couple working through daily life stresses and even worse, major issues and problems that come up in a marriage.

If you are married to someone who suppresses their feelings and ignores your feelings it only makes sense that you won’t feel like your spouse is an ally that is as invested in the marriage as you are. This leaves the spouse who is open and honest about their feelings, feeling alone and lonely.

I’ll give you an example from my own marriage. There was an aspect of the marriage that caused me tremendous pain. My ex spent years ignoring me when I expressed the pain his actions caused. I eventually told him we needed to seek therapy. We made an appointment, he showed up and lasted about 10 minutes in the therapy session before walking out.

The moment the therapist said, “Can you try to listen to her and see the problem from her perspective” my ex walked out of the session. Marital therapy would have only worked in our situation if the experience had been similar to a fun day at the beach or, a trip to Disney World. Since it wasn’t there was eventually a divorce because my emotions suppressing ex didn’t feel that saving the marriage was worth him facing and working through his fear of negative emotions.

How Do Expressing Feelings Affect Marriage?

Expressing negative feelings, within reason, is good for a marriage. Getting feelings out on the table gives both spouses the opportunity to address the issues and find solutions. It goes without saying that those who feel comfortable expressing their feelings are more likely to succeed in marriage.

But, when is it a bad thing to express negative feelings?

  1. If nothing makes a person happy, they are a chronic complainer who constantly whines they will soon find their spouse withdrawing out of self-preservation.
  2. Finding something wrong with EVERYTHING a spouse does, being hyper-vigilant and defensive is an unattractive trait. That isn’t “expressing feelings” in an attempt to be heard, this is being downright mean. Mean destroys marriages!
  3. Expressing your feelings by using offensive language or in a loud voice is verbal abuse. You may have a negative feeling about an issue in the marriage, you also have a responsibility to voice that feeling in a respectful manner.

Suppressing feelings may cause a spouse to feel detached emotionally, dismissed and unimportant in the marriage. Expressing feelings can cause a spouse to feel flooded or overwhelmed by negativity if their spouse expresses their feelings inappropriately. Yes, suppression is more detrimental to marriage but, obsessive expression of negative feelings can be just as damaging.

The trick is to find a healthy balance, one in which both spouses are heard and all feelings are validated.

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mastering relationships

The Secret To Mastering Relationships

mastering relationships

 

Our lives are an ongoing chain of relationships. From our life partners, children, friends, co-workers, companions, neighbors, bosses, and employees.

Some are warm and wonderful while others can cause a constant rub. The key to mastering all our relationships is to see them as a mirror reflection of our issues.

Let’s take a look at some relationship dynamics:

My boss doesn’t appreciate me

My partner doesn’t trust me

My child is disobedient and disrespectful

My co-worker is hurtful, bordering on abusive

My adult son is distant and judgmental

My neighbor is obnoxious and inconsiderate

My colleague is unprofessional and rude

How can any of these be a reflection of me? How can looking at my part in them help to change my relationships?

“If we could change ourselves, the tendencies in the world would also change. As a man changes his nature, so does the attitude of the world change towards him. … We need not wait to see what others do.” Gandhi

Mastering Relationships

The most powerful thing we can do in each of our relationships is to see our reflection in the problems that arise.  In doing so, we can expose our thoughts, patterns, and tender buttons, those things that we are responsible for.  Instead of focusing on the other person’s shortcomings, we can begin to work on our own.

Here is the logic:

I cannot change another person

Nothing changes until something changes

I choose to be the change I wish to see in the world.

The result: 

Sometimes the relationship will grow stronger and healthier.  Other times it will end, and I will have grown wiser and become more authentic.

The Abusive Partner

A young man was so angry with his abusive spouse.  His focus was entirely on how hurtful and nasty her behavior was (and it was terrible).  Upon looking at his actions, he began to see that he chose to accept her unacceptable behavior and then get mad at her for acting that way. If she truly loved him, she should change!

He seemed to have no power to make that happen.  He began to slowly set healthier boundaries and overcome his fears of what might happen if he took care of himself.  He could walk away, leave the situation, and choose not to accept such behavior.

She may or may not decide to change, but his experience transformed as he was able to remove himself from the abuse.  Knowing whether the relationship lasted or not, he had found his way to a healthier way of being. He noticed he had similar patterns at work as well. His new perspective and consequent behavior had a significantly positive effect on him and all his relationships.

The Disrespectful Adult Son

Raised by a somewhat controlling mother who often judged everyone’s strengths and weaknesses, Julie never saw herself as being judgmental. Upon struggling with her relationship with her adult son, who was distant and disrespectful, she tried to figure out how to change him.

Once she realized that the bond was weakened by her choice to focus only on those traits she disliked in Robert; she was able to see the role her judgment played in their struggles. Instead of strengthening the relationship by acknowledging Robert’s strengths, her perspective of him pushed him away.

She could not be the supportive parent she wanted to be until she let go of her judgment (forgave him for his shortcomings), providing a stronger foundation for him to trust her and for their relationship to grow.

Where are you struggling in your relationships? 

How can you see that person as a reflection, revealing an attitude, perspective or behavior in you that would benefit from your love and attention? Our reality is limited by the way we choose to perceive our world.  Often by changing our perception, we can change our reality.

Is someone pushing your buttons? 

If so, consider that you are being given a gift.  They are putting a spotlight on your tender underbelly…that which upsets you.  It may be touching on abuse, insecurity, unforgiveness, judgment or fear.

Whatever it is, the gift is for you to see your reflection, the part of you that would benefit from refinement.  Then put your attention there rather than on them.  The benefits you experience will be dramatic.

By keeping the focus on yourself, the relationships you choose to sustain and grow will fulfill both you and them.  The ones you let go of will make way for new healthier relationships.  Those (family) that you cannot completely let go of will give you an opportunity to set healthy boundaries that serve your needs and desires.

How we do something is how we do everything.

How you choose to be in your relationships will determine if they fill your life with vitality and love or stress and upset.  What choices are you making?

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