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self-care after an affair

Self-Care After An Affair: 7 Things That Helped Me Survive

self-care after an affair

 

I can’t stress enough the importance of self-care after an affair. Living in a state of trauma, chaos and stress are bad for your body and mental health. Stress causes cortisol to rise and can wreak havoc on your body.

I knew that I needed to find some peace, calm and serenity during this dark time, but I didn’t really know in the early phases what would create this kind of environment for me.

There were days where I didn’t want to get out of bed, so the thought of self-exploration and reflection to reclaim a calmer state of mind sounded exhausting.

Self-Care After an Affair

Acknowledge and Validate Your Feelings

There’s a fine line between distraction and avoidance when dealing with a traumatic situation. You can’t avoid it forever and inevitably when your feelings arise or you are triggered, rather than trying to push it out of your mind, instead try to understand what you’re feeling and why.

Nailing down the feeling (sadness, pain, abandonment, loneliness) and what caused the trigger is helpful. Acknowledgment and validation, even to yourself, makes you realize it’s ok to feel what you’re feeling because it is. You are where you are and that’s ok. Identifying what caused your emotions to flare up can help you recognize it in the future to prevent it or soften the blow.

The Art of Distraction

While it’s important to not constantly avoid your feelings, you can’t live in your pain all day every day. Once you’ve acknowledged your feelings or triggers at the moment, go do what you enjoy doing, if that feels acceptable to you. Try something new or default to an activity you love with someone in your inner circle who you can trust.

Journal/Write

I’ve never really been into journaling, but I will say – if you have the time and you are seeking better or different ways to cope, writing your feelings down can be therapeutic. Ahem…I did end up writing this book!  Write a letter to your partner if that helps you articulate the pain you’re in.  It’s up to you whether you share it or not – it’s more for you than your partner. Burn it, share it, whatever feels best to you.

Meditation

I’ve also never been into meditating but out of necessity, this felt like something worth exploring. There are many applications you can download on your phone for a guided meditation which may help calm your mind when it’s wandering on repeat with all those negative or painful thoughts.

It also can include the practice of gratefulness. It’s hard to be grateful in your trauma, but I’m willing to bet there are things in your life you are grateful for that bring you happiness and joy (your health, your job, your kids, your family, your friends).

 Yoga

You might be noticing a theme here, but again…I’ve never been into yoga!  My friend told me specifically about yin yoga and we’ve jokingly referred to it as a “guided nap.” Sorry if this offends any yogis out there. There’s science behind the benefits of tapping into your parasympathetic nervous system and how that correlates to a reduction in stress. I did this once or twice a week during my most stressful months and I always walked away from the class feeling relaxed. I’m still not a die-hard yoga fan, but I recommend it for the above mentioned reasons and it did help calm my body and mind.

Massages (or any spa treatment)

Now, this is something I’ve always enjoyed. A little pampering and relaxing are good for the mind and soul.

Being in Nature

I started to seek out environments and landscapes that made me feel at peace. Being in nature or on the water for me was relaxing and it fed my soul. Enjoying views and watching sunsets made me feel calm and gave me a sense of serenity I desperately needed.

I live in a big city with bumper to bumper traffic and that did nothing to bring me the feeling of calm I was seeking. I started to do day trips away from the city and a handful of trips alone where I’d rent a place with a view, near the water and far away from the hustle and bustle of both the city and my internal thoughts.

Identify how you can best take care of yourself will greatly help you in your journey after infidelity.

The post Self-Care After An Affair: 7 Things That Helped Me Survive appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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5 Delightful Ways To Do Self-Care Without Feeling Guilty

5 Delightful Ways To Do Self-Care Without Feeling Guilty

 

Self-care can be a struggle.

We may tell ourselves that we don’t have time, and…

There are things or people in our life that are SO much more important right now.

Or maybe self-care is something we have never known how to do for ourselves.

This I know, with releasing my own struggle with self-care and assisting so many others get free of their self-denial too, that we can carry DEEP guilt in regard to looking after ourselves.

We may have MANY multi-layered painful beliefs regarding this!

In today’s Thriver Tv Episode I want to deeply investigate this with you, to help free you also from the guilt of looking after you.

Not just for yourself, but for all others and everything you touch.

Which is why self-care is SO important.

As you will discover today!

 

 

Video Transcript

Putting oneself first is not an easy thing. There can be many multi-layered beliefs that have stopped us thinking this is healthy to do.

Guilt can be a big barrier.

How many of us have thought that taking care of self is wrong, selfish and even narcissistic?

Many of us came from the mindset of the previous generation of survival, and energy expended must be on practical ‘doing’ tasks, rather than so-called ‘self-indulgent’ ones.

Today I want to grant you 5 wonderful ways we can take care of ourselves, as well as the internal shifts we can do on our subconscious programs, to evolve beyond guilt and get healthier.

Okay, before we get started, thank you for being a subscriber to my channel, and if you haven’t yet, please do subscribe. Also, if you like this video, please give it a thumbs up!

Now let’s look at the reasons why healthy self-care is essential!

 

By Honouring Ourselves We Honour the Entire Field In Honourable Ways

I want to begin by saying what we do need to be-come and shift into – it’s what we are all taught by the airplane analogy – to put our oxygen mask on first before attempting to help anyone else with theirs.

If we are gasping for air, we potentially do more damage than good to others.

This is why I am so adamant about parents healing themselves as their first point of call, before attempting to sort out things for their children.

Quantum Law is a very exact Law of so within, so without. If we try to serve others whilst we are going empty, then our efforts will only bring more pain and emptiness to others and ourselves. Yet if we come from a place of wholeness, then we affect others and the entire Field in whole and healthy ways.

What is also vitally important is that we don’t continue the message of dire co-dependency that we were fed growing up –  that going without and people pleasing and keeping the peace so that others will love you, is what we should do.

We all know how that turned out.

Also, if we stay broken and empty and our children see this, whilst we try to give them everything they need, then they will grow up not emulating what we want for them, but rather how we were to ourselves.

That’s what children do, take on the programs of how their parents modelled ‘self’ to them.

Okay so now that we have this clear, that we need to become a healthy model of self for self, others and all of Life, let’s look at the first delightful way we can do this.

 

#1 Say ‘No’ When Exhausted, and Replenish Yourself Instead

If we keep helping others when we are wrung out and exhausted ourselves, then we are in Wrong Town. Sometimes of course, when we have little children and we have no option, this is all a part of being a parent. What I am really talking about here is when other capable people ask for our help, and we fear saying ‘no’ to them.

We may be scared of losing their love or approval if we were to honour ourselves. Yet if we say ‘Yes’ when we don’t have the energy to comply, or it compromises our values and boundaries to do so, the energy will be murky. We could be resentful that they expect us ‘to drop everything for them’. We may lose valuable self-esteem and self-worth. We may be pissed because other people in the family or friendship circle won’t help and we are the one that gets lumbered with it.

If we are playing victim to all of this, we make out it is the other person’s lack of consideration that is causing our distress, yet truly it is our own poor boundary function.

There is a very essential truth about all of this – if you are okay with honouring your energy levels, other healthy people respect this too. They have other options. They don’t think badly of you. They know that being the generous person you are, that if you could assist you would.

The bottom line is when you have healed internally about this: you are not obsessing about whether or not they accept your ‘No’ because you know that honouring self is your number one priority, regardless.

If you get sorted in your inner beliefs and boundaries and know that you are not serving others in high and honourable ways, unless you are replenished – then you know if people don’t accept your ’no’, they should not be in your life.

What you will also discover is that when you do respect yourself, people respect you more too. If you are the always ‘giving person’ who bends over backward to give people assistance, you will discover that when it comes time for you to need help – no-one will be there for you.

Why not?

Because they are reflecting back to you how you are not there for yourself.

What is vitally important here is moving out of guilt to discover how easy and unselfish it is to be honest with people regarding whether you can help or not.

Those of you who are NARPers, if this is an area in your life you still struggle with, I suggest feeling into these beliefs:

  • People will only love me if I serve them.
  • If I say ‘no’ I will be punished.
  • I have to earn love and approval.
  • Other people’s needs and energy are more important than my own.
  • Other people don’t respect or support what I need.
  • I don’t deserve my own kindness and care.

If you feel any emotional charges in your body when you check inwards on these beliefs, then you would benefit greatly from clearing them out.

I recommend NARP Module 1 and the Source Healing and Resolution Module to do this effectively and powerfully. Then you will be-come that person who can say ‘no’ and honour you so much more easily.

 

#2 Ask For Help When Needed

I know this can be a tough one to tackle, and it may not feel ‘delightful’ at all. But please know ‘growth’ doesn’t come from not facing uncomfortable feelings.

Please know that asking for help and granting others the opportunity to supply it, is one of the most beautiful ways people can bond with you. It’s scientifically proven that the act of giving grants the giver oxytocin, which emotionally bonds them with feelings of love to the person they are giving to.

Many people don’t realise that if they are doing everything themselves, and they are not asking for what they need and allowing themselves to receive, then they are not generating deeper connections with others.

If you are the only one giving, it is usual for the person continually receiving to lose interest and start disconnecting from you.

Belief systems have a huge amount to do with being able to be a receiver. If you feel guilty about asking for what you need and terribly uncomfortable with receiving – which is very normal for people who have suffered narcissistic abuse – there is work to be done here!

Let’s look at the goal of where we want to get. It’s this: being able to ask clearly and confidently for assistance when needed – without being winey, passive-aggressive, trying to guilt others into it, or giving long-winded explanations about why we can’t do it ourselves.

All of this is a product of not believing we deserve help, and then we will see the results reflected back to us of exactly that!

I know with myself, this was huge (as were all my deservedness and boundary function issues!). Personally, I believe that if this is a struggle, there are some very important belief systems that we may need to look at and release and heal.

Here is my list for you to check out:

  • Everything is up to me.
  • I am unsupported by life and others.
  • My needs are invalidated and unimportant.
  • I am invisible.
  • If I let people do things for me, they will hold it over me, control me and hurt me.

Again Module 1 and the Source Healing and Resolution Module in NARP can powerfully release these beliefs for you – granting you the trajectory of life where you CAN ask for and receive support, as well as let people go who were a match for these previous painful beliefs.

 

#3 Do Nice Things for Yourself

Once upon a time, I used to feel bad for someone having to work too hard on me with a message, even though I was paying them for it! And I felt so guilty spending money on it that I couldn’t enjoy it anyway. In my mind, it felt like time wasted on myself, when I could have been doing something so much more productive.

If we are into being over-practical, incredibly responsible and frugal and self-denying – then it is extremely hard to do nice things for ourselves.

How many people work hard and are over practical all their life, and then it is too late to enjoy the fruits of their labours? Maybe they are too old, or they get sick, or even die before they do.

Many people who have security fears struggle to have holidays, or a new hairdo or a night out to dinner, or to buy some clothes or do something pampering for oneself.

I love it how people in the NARP community have granted themselves the most beautiful acts of self-giving, by doing things such as their own ring ceremony to affirm their love to themselves, or they buy themselves flowers on Valentine’s day.

I remember when I was coming out of my over-functioning, brutal workaholism and self-punishment that I would take myself out to dinner, to a yoga class, or a beautiful location for a holiday.

When financially recovering from narcissistic abuse, little joys and time spent with yourself don’t need to cost money. Time spent in nature is free and replenishing. We can do things like taking a picnic and a good book on the beach.

Or if staying indoors, turning on some music and dancing in your living room to it.

The ways to do nice things for ourselves are endless, and the more we clear trauma our of our Being, the more space we have within to start connecting to Lifeforce and the good stuff.

Even our healing time with ourselves is a special act of self-giving. I love making this time for me, by making myself a lovely cup of something, sitting on my couch and releasing dense energy and bringing more Light in. Or I do this when I am walking on the beach in the morning – and I always feel fantastic afterward.

What I love about treating self in healthy ways, is that this sets a precedent for being able to accept others giving to us as well. It also means that we will be generous with our giving to others.

Let’s look at some limiting beliefs that can block us doing nice things for ourselves.

  • It is wrong, selfish, ungodly etc. to do nice things for myself.
  • There are others who need so much more than me.
  • If I spend money on me, I will not have enough.
  • If I am not focused on the practical, something terrible could go wrong in my life.

Again NARPers you know what to do, to dig these beliefs out and start living your life free of them!

 

#4 Eat Healthy

With the number of toxins and chemicals that have infiltrated our food sources, it has become more necessary than ever that we choose whole and healthy foods.

Healthy fresh whole foods are delicious when a little care has gone into their preparation. Food education hasn’t been something the generation before us were focused on. Packaged convenience food were things that many of us were brought up on, to accept as okay in our diets, yet this isn’t healthy at all.

Food can harm or heal. Nonconscious food choices can create weight gain, diabetes, inflammation and organ, nervous system and brain damage. Healthy whole foods nourish our brain and body.

A very large part of our health, radiance, energy and wellbeing is about what we eat.

In the information age we live in, truly ignorance doesn’t cut it anymore – we can all google and learn about what is healthy and what isn’t.

By eating whole foods and eliminating sugar and preservatives as much as possible from your diet, you will reap the rewards of a healthy body and mind, as well as a glowing lifeforce within.

I truly believe healthy food is essential self-care.

Let’s look at some limiting beliefs that can prevent us from eating healthily

  • Healthy food is boring, unappetising and unpleasant.
  • I won’t enjoy myself if I can’t eat the foods I want.
  • I don’t deserve to nourish my being.
  • I will be rejected or ostracised by my family or peers if I eat healthily.
  • Sugar and bad foods fill my emptiness within.
  • I punish myself with bad food.

And of course, there may be others that are very specific to you.

Belief systems are such a big part of healthy food struggles, I really recommend doing the inner work to make this journey easier for yourself.

All you need to do is target the traumas with Module 1 or the Source Healing and Resolution Module that are generating your limiting food beliefs.

By clearing them, you will evolve beyond them and reset to your organic truth which is ‘health and wellbeing’.

 

#5 Move Your Body

Our Life-force when stagnant gets depressed, stuck and even toxic. Holistically and optimally we need to move our body every day. This is such an important part of our recovery, evolution and expansion to open up the cells in our Being, as we release trauma, so that Lifeforce and Wellbeing (Source) can enter us and move through us as us.

Exercise is a big part of this.

The benefits from exercise are so good – emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually. Exercise is a very personal journey. I love walking, yoga and Pilates. it is a very rare day that I don’t do some form of exercise, even just a walk.

Let’s look at some limiting exercise beliefs

  • Exercising is unpleasant and boring.
  • I don’t have the energy or the motivation to exercise.
  • I don’t deserve to be healthy and fit.
  • What is the point? It’s going to be too hard and take too long to achieve the results I want.
  • If I open up to exercise, I will be unsafe, exposed and not able to contain my emotions.
  • I punish myself by not moving.

Naturally digging out our limiting beliefs can be very confronting, yet if we leave them there we have a constant battle with ourselves, where we can literally drive ourselves crazy and the guilt is horrific each time we default back to the limiting belief.

As Dr. Bruce Lipton explains, when the subconscious and the conscious mind go up against each other, the subconscious wins, hence why doing the reprogramming there is so much more effective.

With all of these five self-care delightful practices, a very powerful and easy way to get them online is to target the traumas in your Inner Being that are blocking you doing (whatever the self-care practice is) and one by one you can dig them all out and release so that you naturally flow forward into these desired practices.

Again Module 1 and the Source Healing and Resolution Module in NARP are very effective solutions for this – and all you have to do is follow the instructions in these healings.

This is what I love about our Thriver Journey, it is so much more than just escaping narcissistic abuse, it is REALLY about becoming our healthiest and most actualised self.

If these are areas of your life that you wish to heal and improve, I’d love to help you, from the inside out, achieve this. My entire system for recovery of ourselves is highly effective, and you can learn more about this in my free 16-day recovery course which you can access here.

And I’d love to hear your feedback regarding this episode. Did you relate to these five areas and the limiting beliefs? Do you want to see more videos about topics like these? Also, let me know what topics you would like me to cover regarding healing stuff apart from narcissistic abuse.

And if you liked this – click like. Also, please share with your communities so that we can help people awaken to these truths.

As always, I am greatly looking forward to answering your comments and questions below.

 

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solo traveling

How Moms Can Use Solo Travel For Self-Care After Divorce

solo traveling

 

Every hard working mom deserves to replenish her batteries at least once a year. Admittedly, I felt a pang of guilt for leaving my kids behind with their grandparents while I embarked on a chase for adventure, but it turned out it was exactly what the doctor ordered!

As I was to find out, the phenomenon of solo-traveling is in full swing right now, dedicated parents from every corner of the globe are in on it, so why wouldn’t you be as well? This decompressing solo journey is one of the cornerstones of self-care, and a treat that every mom deserves to relish in.

Solo Travel After Divorce Allows You To…

Invest in yourself

‘I’ is the most important constituent of self-care solo travel. It is all about investing in yourself and finding the most efficient activities to replenish your energy wells. Read a nice vacation book, stay in a hotel with a pool or accommodation near a natural body of water. Remember – water is a known neutralizer of negative energy!

All in all, traveling solo allows you a welcoming opportunity to reconnect with yourself. My own first solo traveling experience as a fully-realized mother was a road trip (more on that later), but virtually any backdrop can work. If you are thirsty for experiences that are completely exotic in your book, charter a flight to Morocco, Thailand or Bali but keep in mind that your comfort is of absolute priority.

Give yourself some breathing room

If you find the idea of traveling half-way around the world intimidating, especially if it means daunting separation from your kids, then taking a road trip may just be akin to dipping your toe in a lake before jumping in. The upside of this is that it is a flexible journey with a loose schedule. This is a convenient feature of a road trip because it means that you can fully concentrate on the self-care aspect.

But first, make sure that safety precautions are all checked off. I generally take my car for routine maintenance before the trip. It would also be prudent to include a well-equipped survival kit in your car in the case you get stuck in the middle of nowhere. Apart from a basic set of tools, my survival kit also includes extra water bottles, some power bars, and sanitizers. Knowing that you have taken all the necessary precautions, the road trip itself will be so much more carefree.

Make it transformative

One of the most exciting prospects of traveling solo is that you can start your trip off as one person and get out of it as a changed individual. Yes, such experiences, no matter how short, can be immensely powerful. This is what a trip to Guangzhou represented for me. Not to dwell too long on the experience, this sprawling metropolis was a neon-glazed sucker punch of a culture shock that realigned my perspective of the world – and this is what your experience should be!

Choose a destination that puts you in a completely new environment. Your mission, if there is a thing within this context that can be deemed as such, is to create a pilgrimage for yourself that will expand your mind and soul. Urban environments saturated in multicultural influences can have such a profound influence on you, but you can look towards the trips that put you on the path of cultural and traditional landmarks of other countries. Solo-travel for self-care is a wide and empty canvas, so you can go wild and choose the colors that befit your sensibilities the most!

It is perfectly natural to feel a looming sense of responsibility for your children. My own kids are constantly on my mind, no matter the circumstances, but this feeling can also make you feel trapped in a way that is highly unproductive. A week or so of separation can be an adventure for everyone and you have to break the ice eventually. Trust me, the hardest part is taking the first step, but you need to invest in all the aspects of self-care in order to find inner balance and be of use to yourself and your children as well.

The post How Moms Can Use Solo Travel For Self-Care After Divorce appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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