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How Do Sexual Assault Allegations Affect a Divorce?

How Do Sexual Assault Allegations Affect a Divorce?

Whether or not you can prove your sexual assault allegations case with evidence in divorce court, a compassionate judge may grant you the ruling you request in an attempt to keep you safe and give you peace of mind.

The post How Do Sexual Assault Allegations Affect a Divorce? appeared first on Divorce Magazine.

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your husband

How To Respond To Your Husband’s Sexual Addiction

your husband's sexual addiction

 

If I put myself in the place of someone who has learned their spouse has a sexual addiction my first thought is, “I’m out of here.” That is a knee jerk reaction I image is shared by most that discover such disturbing information about a spouse.

Should that first reaction be the step you take? Is your marriage doomed to end because of sexual addiction? I personally don’t think divorce is the answer until you’ve turned over every stone and come to an educated decision about what is right for you and the marriage.

Below are things you can do that will help you make a final and educated decision about whether to stay or leave the marriage.

What to do About Your Husband’s Sexual Addiction

1. Do your research; find out all you can about sexual addiction. When researching you should not only focus on the spouse who is sexually addicted but yourself also. I have found that most people research the problems of the other person in hopes of finding a way to change them.

When faced with marital problems the only person you can change is yourself. When gathering information be sure to find out what about you got you there, it can tell you a lot about whether or not you need to stay.

2. Find a good support group. You local mental health association can put you in touch with a sex addicts support group such as COSA, an organization for those whose lives have been negatively touched by the sexual behaviors of another person.

3. Find a therapist who is an expert in sexual issues and family of origin issues. There may be issues you need to address from your family of origin that lead you to marry someone with an addictive personality.

4. Do not tolerate what you feel is intolerable. People married to sex addicts, alcoholics or drugs addicts tend to be co-dependent. Co-dependents have a hard time setting boundaries with others about what is and isn’t acceptable behavior.

The more adept you are at setting boundaries, the more self-esteem you will have and the more empowered you will feel.

5. Insist that your spouse become actively involved in a sex addicts support group. Not only does the addict need a 12 step program to address their issues, you, the wife, needs to see a willingness to work through their issues. If you stay in the marriage trust will need to be rebuilt and for that to happen the addict will have to show, via their own work that they are worthy of your trust.

6. Don’t threaten to leave the marriage unless you are serious. Empty threats to leave only reinforce the addict’s belief that he/she can behave inappropriately and you will still be there.  It won’t take your spouse long to realize that you aren’t really going to leave.

Instead of threatening to leave take action. If your spouse witnesses you researching the problem, going to support group meetings and setting firm boundaries you will send a stronger message than an empty threat to leave will.

It has been proven that to change another you must first change yourself. Responding in the same manner to any problem in your marriage only prolongs the problems. If your spouse sees you changing the way you typically respond to problems they may be spurred into making changes in themselves.

When it comes to addiction of any kind, the addict won’t address their own issues until they are faced with the likelihood of losing what is most valuable to them. If you focus on helping yourself instead of focusing on fixing the addict you are more likely to elicit the change you wish for.

If, in the end, your spouse refuses to seek help the likelihood of him/her changing is slim. Whether they change or not is unimportant because what you have done is take action to educate and protect yourself. Your future and emotional wellbeing will no longer depend on what your sex addicted husband does but on what decisions you make about what is and isn’t in your best interest.

There is a process psychologist referred to as “detachment.” What I have described above are the actions of someone who has detached themselves from their spouse’s behaviors. Detachment is a difficult process to explain BUT I believe it is the most effective way to deal with an addict.

If you want to “detach” and do what is best for you, the addict and the marriage print out the points below and change your behavior accordingly.

  • Accept and embrace your own inabilities to change the sex addict.
  • Do not engage in snooping or watching the sex addicts every move.
  • Accept that you cannot control the sex addict or what he/she does.
  • DO NOT react in the same old way.
  • Focus your time and energy on your life and what you want from your life.
  • Set boundaries in a loving manner and expect respect and kindness in return.
  • Detaching does not mean ignoring negative sexual behavior or becoming a doormat.
  • Accept that, in the end, your marriage may not survive.

The post How To Respond To Your Husband’s Sexual Addiction appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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Child Sexual Abuse: Yes, I Am A Helicopter Mom, And For a Good Reason

Child Sexual Abuse: Yes, I Am A Helicopter Mom, And For a Good Reason

Sad Boy.jpg

 

I’m that “helicopter” mom playing with my son at the park. I’m making sure my sweet boy doesn’t get out of sight.

I’m the mom at the play date who stays at your house, visiting, always keeping an eye on my child. I politely decline sleepover invitations.

I dearly love this boy. He’s funny and outgoing and generally kind. You may think I’m hovering and being overprotective.

Child sexual abuse: I’m making sure your child is safe from mine.

At age five, my child started acting out sexually, in explicit ways, and he told me clearly about inappropriate, intimate sexual contact he’d had with an adult’s penis.

I reported it to the proper authorities. Nothing happened.

The adult was my husband, and we were divorcing. Instead of believing my child’s words to me, it was easier for Child Protective Services to believe his dad’s word that they just took a shower together. CPS “educated” him on not doing this again and filed a report ruling out abuse.

Since then, his dad has been seen drunk-driving our son and leaving him strapped in a hot car while buying alcohol and cigarettes (CPS again did nothing, even though it was a criminal act, so it’s happened again). Our son says his dad has served him wine and shown him porn. Our son has talked about death and has tried to cut himself and strangle me. He’s drawn scary pictures with demons and genitalia and weapons. He has fits of rage. He has odd seizures of staring into space.

This happy boy, who could read at age three, by grade three needs help for multiple learning disorders and risks failing state exams.

Our son has been suspended from school for sexualized behaviors against other children. Most concerning, he initiated sexual contact with a friend the summer after first grade, while his friend’s parent and I were in the next room. He told his friend to keep it a secret. A few months later, he told his friend he wanted to have sex again. His friend, distraught, finally told his parents about the incidents.

State law mandates a person call CPS when a person suspects abuse. When I’ve made these required calls, I’ve been wrongly accused of “parental alienation.” Some judges wrongly use this unscientific theory to take kids away from protective parents who report abuse. This is a horrendous outcome for kids: to be stripped from a loving parent and given to an abuser.

Meanwhile, no one else ever reported the sexual behavior to CPS – not his psychologists, not the school counselor, not the (former) friend’s parents. Even though we all know acting out is a huge red flag for a child being sexually abused. It’s an even bigger red flag for a seven-year-old to ask his friend to keep it a secret. It’s an enormous red flag when we all know the child made a prior outcry.

When asked about incidents, our son pretends they never happened. He flees to a fantasy world. He tells me his dad tells him to keep secrets. He sometimes drops hints. But it’s possible we may never know what happened – or is still happening – to this precious child.

It’s clear that the person I love most has been abused. It’s also clear our society does not prioritize crimes against kids, and our courts do not make child protection a priority.

If a stranger victimized my child (or committed a crime against an adult), there would be a real investigation by police, with real evidence-gathering. But an abuser is almost always someone in a child’s circle of trust. When the perp is the parent or family member, the “investigation” is largely left to over-worked, under-resourced state caseworkers who don’t have the tools or time to gather or analyze evidence or even talk to relevant people. The CPS workers instead offer services to keep kids with parents. They meet strict deadlines and usually “rule out” abuse – which then makes protecting the child in court even more difficult for the protective parent.

It’s time to declare war on child maltreatment.

Toxic stress from abuse and neglect physically damages children’s developing brains. The Adverse Childhood Experiences study conclusively proves the link between severe or chronic maltreatment and future mental health problems, addictions, chronic diseases, self-harm, crime, and violence – and the perpetuating cycle. Children with several adverse experiences have a much greater prevalence of learning and behavior problems in school. Without intervention, they can end up repeatedly cycling through jails, emergency rooms, and hospitals.

It’s time to break the cycle.

My son is doing much better, after intensive counseling and other measures, but I don’t let him alone with another child. I want him to have friends and fun and learn empathy and respect and self-control. I want him to know he’s loved. I want him to grow up to be a good, moral man and to overcome the toxic maltreatment that can overwhelm him.

I will do my best to protect your child. My heart breaks when I can’t protect mine.

The post Child Sexual Abuse: Yes, I Am A Helicopter Mom, And For a Good Reason appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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My Own Sexual Harassment Hell

My own sexual harassment hell

My Own Sexual Harassment Hell

Obviously I can’t comment on what is going on in Hollywood right now with this case but I wanted to share my own personal experience of something similar to what the victims are claiming and what I learnt about abuse as a result of that experience. Part of that is to unburden myself but mainly to show that you don’t have to be a movie star or high powered executive to experience an abuse of power.

Back in 2007 I was in my second year of my Social Work course and on work placement. I had loved my assignment. My practice supervisor, who was the professional assigned to guide me through my placement and assess my capability to be a social worker, had been brilliant throughout. He had supported me and become a friend. I almost saw him in a father figure role. I trusted him with some personal things during the 10 weeks and he had shared the same. It had felt like a really great professional relationship with genuine care for one another.

A few other students had been in the same setting on placement but with other practice supervisors, and as a farewell, we all planned on going out for a meal and drinks together. There was a large group of us. My fellow students had told me they had bought “thank you” presents for their assessor so I took their advice and bought him an engraved pen. I took him to one side and gave it to him. He almost started crying which I felt was a bit odd but as we had worked together for a while, I just assumed he felt sad that it was coming to an end.

We all went off together, jolly and having fun. His wife had come along with us and everything seemed great. A few of us were dancing in one pub and my assessor came up and asked me to dance with him. His wife was stood close by so I wasn’t alerted to anything. Then he leaned in and told me he loved me. At first I thought he meant like a friend (I have told friends I love them after a few drinks plenty of times) so I naively said “love you too” back. It was then that he looked at me and said “you do? What do you want to do about it?” and looked at his wife. Suddenly I realised that he meant romantic love.

And I did a really cowardly thing and ran off. A few of the others followed me and I told them what had happened. They stayed with me to reassure me and calm me down and eventually came and told me he had left with his wife.

I couldn’t quite comprehend it all but over the next few days I began to feel really violated. Like he had taken advantage of me. I spoke to university who basically told me I should meet him (apparently he was devastated) and couldn’t understand that I no longer felt safe being around him on my own. He then sent me an email explaining why he loved me and how hurt he was now that I couldn’t talk to him. The office he worked at was opposite my flat at the time and I was terrified to leave the flat or answer the door in case it was him.

But no-one understood. People actually laughed when I told them. So then I started to think maybe I had over-reacted but my body was telling me differently. My body was telling me that this wasn’t right and that he had abused his position of power.

And I got my proof a few weeks later when he failed my placement. He took everything I had told him in confidence and used it to smear my name. He was trying to ensure I didn’t pass my course because I had rejected him. Luckily because I had told the uni what was happening they got another member of staff to assess me and they wrote me a glowing report.

It took me a long time to recover from that and if I’m honest I think I still have some wounds. I struggle with authority now and followed this experience up with an experience with a bullying female boss. As a result i have worked hard to build up my own business, to be by own boss and to distance myself from people in positions of power but that is changing. I am learning to trust MYSELF and that means trusting my instincts again. I’m not always right and probably act over cautiously, making sure I put very clear boundaries in place quickly, but I am no longer letting this experience dictate my professional life.

It has lead me into the field of Narcissistic Abuse and to help others who may have experienced similar and worse. So in the bigger scheme of things, it did me a huge favour but at the time it caused me a lot of pain and anguish.

That is why I have shared my story. To let anyone who is experiencing this know that they are not alone and that it can happen to anyone, you did nothing wrong. And to trust your instincts. If it feels like abuse then there’s a good chance that it is and there is no shame in that. If you need more one:one support or would like to chat, please do contact me at enquiries@thenurturingcoach.co.uk

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