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what drives men to cheat

Emotional & Sexual Infidelity: What Drives Men To Cheat

what drives men to cheat

 

Webster’s defines infidelity as unfaithfulness to the marriage vow or contract; a violation of the marriage contract by adultery. If you have ever been the victim of a cheating husband, you know it is much more.

Infidelity is the breaking of trust that has negative consequences in every area of your life. The first step in surviving a husband’s infidelity is being able to rationalize and understand the actions that have caused so much harm.

There are two types of infidelity, sexual infidelity, and emotional infidelity:

Sexual Infidelity:

Sexual infidelity, as its name suggests, refers to sexual activities that are engaged in with someone other than one’s spouse. Activities that constitute sexual infidelity include all forms of physical intimacy, from kissing to sexual intercourse.

Emotional Infidelity:

Emotional infidelity refers to becoming emotionally involved with someone other than one’s spouse. Dr. Seth Meyers, a Licensed Clinical Psychologist, describes emotional infidelity as “behavior that one partner engages in that fosters emotional intimacy in the here-and-now and sometimes promotes the possibility of sexual intimacy in the future.”

It all sounds fairly simple, huh? Either your husband did the hanky panky with someone else or he has put someone else’s emotional needs before your emotional needs. If you’ve been on the receiving end of either, the need to understand runs a bit deeper, doesn’t it?

It has been my experience, after coaching many women who were victims of infidelity, that the roots of the infidelity can generally be traced back to one of three underlying causes.

What Drives Men To Cheat

Fear:

Men who suffer emotional injuries during childhood are more likely to cheat on a spouse. Emotional childhood injuries may cause a fear of intimacy, a fear of commitment, and a fear of being unworthy of love.

If your husband has had problems with attaching himself to you intimately, was commitment-phobic, and suffers from low self-esteem, these traits probably played a role in his infidelity.

Loneliness:

Some men cheat because of the sense of loneliness they feel in the marriage. Usually, this type of man is not able to fully engage with his wife. He doesn’t fully participate in the relationship and is a sitting duck for any woman who can give him the companionship he feels is missing in his marriage.

Anger:

Are you married to a conflict avoider — a man who thinks that any show of disappointment by you is an affront to the relationship?

According to Emily M. Brown, author of Affairs: A Guide to Working Through the Repercussions of Infidelity, the conflict avoider is “terrified to be anything but nice for fear that conflict will lead to abandonment.” They don’t have a way to stand up to their spouse where there are marital problems, so the problems go unresolved and the marriage erodes.

This guy acts as if he is happy, everything is coming up roses and all the while, he is seething with anger inside. He is angry because you poked fun at his bald spot. We all know that a woman who truly loves her husband would never poke fun or so he believes.

He is angry because you failed to pick up his dry cleaning. You will be the last to know how angry he is, though, because of his skewed belief that his marriage is perfect and perfection means putting a lid on anger.

He doesn’t even realize how angry he is until he meets a woman who would never poke fun at his bald spot and never forget to pick up his dry cleaning. Not until she got comfortable in the relationship, anyway. Once she becomes comfortable and turns into a normal human being, he can go back to repressing anger again.

Whatever drives a man to cheat, be it fear, loneliness, or anger, it is important to know that the decision to cheat was his. Infidelity has nothing to do with a shortcoming on the part of his wife.

There are many things a wife can do to improve the quality of her marriage.

There is absolutely nothing she can do that will guarantee with 100 percent certainty that her husband will never cheat.

She can know though with 100 percent certainty that if he does cheat it is about him and whatever issues he is dealing with.

The post Emotional & Sexual Infidelity: What Drives Men To Cheat appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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rediscoverying sex after divorce

Rediscovering Sex After Divorce: My Belated Sexual Revolution

rediscoverying sex after divorce

 

When I was going through the divorce process, I made the decision, not to date or have sex (because you can do one without the other) with anyone until I was officially single. No judgment from me to anyone who makes a different choice. It was simply the one that felt right for me.

I needed this relationship to be over before I could pursue other relationships.

My Belated Sexual Revolution

Once the divorce was finalized, I was like a 21-year-old let out at the bar for the first time. It was time to dance on tables, swing from chandeliers, flash someone, and go buck wild. Well, at least as much as my introverted nature would allow.

What I realized, very quickly, was that I’d been having really bad sex for a really long time. The blame lies with both my ex-husband and myself for that one. I didn’t communicate well and would offer him a quickie just to get it over with and get him off my back about sex. He didn’t have enough experience before meeting me (or curiosity afterward) to try new things or to concern himself with my pleasure. We were a bad combination for plenty of reasons, sex was just one of many.

Three years later, I’m in a committed relationship with a healthy, well-functioning, and highly satisfying sex life. If not for a mini-sexual revolution in the post-divorce era, there’s no telling where I’d be now.

Rediscovering Sex After Divorce

The Fling

The first man I connected with after my divorce was a professional colleague. He didn’t work for the same company (thankfully) but we ran in the same circles. He flirted, casually. I flirted back – decidedly rusty after 12 years out of the dating world. A man of action, he quickly asked me out, and I didn’t even hesitate.

This wasn’t a dinner and movie kind of thing. Instead, we met for lunch, fooled around in his sports car and made plans to meet on the weekends. No in-depth conversations here. Our every encounter after the first one was all about sex. Sex in his office. Sex in his house. Sex in his vacation house. All sex, all the time.

Self-Discovery as a Response to Rejection

After the fling burned itself out, I reconnected with an old friend from high school. He was going through a divorce. I was still in the throes of my newly discovered independence and sexuality. But we both remembered a lot of unrequited lust from back in the day.

There was still plenty of heat, 15 years later. The sex was damn hot. New positions. New places. New sensations. At least it was for me. But he was brutally honest (something I didn’t know I needed at the time). I wasn’t letting myself orgasm with him. Not that he couldn’t get me there. Oh no, he could. I just wouldn’t let myself go. He considered it a turn-off. Ugh. Rejection. Humiliation.

I’m a fixer of problems. This orgasm thing was a problem to be fixed, so I did. Rediscovering my own self-pleasure at the age of 32 was weird but necessary. I learned what makes me tick in a whole new way, and I guaranteed that even if I’m alone, I’m never really alone. Toys or hand, either one will do the trick when you need to let off steam.

Discovering New Things

I licked my wounds before moving on in my own personal sexual revolution. I met the next man online. Again, he was going through a divorce (clearly, I was a magnet for these guys) but all seemed well. He had very specific sexual tastes and preferences.

Still a relative newbie in the sexual arena, after 12 years with the same man, the same sex, and the same routine, my eyes were opened to a whole new world. He was the first to take me to an adult toy store (fun times!). The first to talk about being kinky. A lot of firsts. Sex was not something to be done in the same position in the same room with the same exact result every time. I truly had no idea there were so many ways to have sex or so many toys to try.

My eyes were opened to a world I never knew existed. I gained confidence in myself as I embraced my sexual nature. The more experiences I had, the more alive I felt. I needed this time to explore sex with new partners. If not, I might have ended up in another sexless, orgasm-less (oh yeah, I said it) relationship, replaying bad scripts and creating a never ending loop of sexual dissatisfaction.

Not everyone’s revolution will look the same. Heck, not everyone needs a sexual revolution after their divorce. But for anyone who thinks sex is boring or something to be done quickly in order to get it over with, maybe that’s exactly what you need. Good sex doesn’t fix all your problems, but a good orgasm will help you not care about them for a few minutes.

The post Rediscovering Sex After Divorce: My Belated Sexual Revolution appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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How Do Sexual Assault Allegations Affect a Divorce?

How Do Sexual Assault Allegations Affect a Divorce?

Whether or not you can prove your sexual assault allegations case with evidence in divorce court, a compassionate judge may grant you the ruling you request in an attempt to keep you safe and give you peace of mind.

The post How Do Sexual Assault Allegations Affect a Divorce? appeared first on Divorce Magazine.

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your husband

How To Respond To Your Husband’s Sexual Addiction

your husband's sexual addiction

 

If I put myself in the place of someone who has learned their spouse has a sexual addiction my first thought is, “I’m out of here.” That is a knee jerk reaction I image is shared by most that discover such disturbing information about a spouse.

Should that first reaction be the step you take? Is your marriage doomed to end because of sexual addiction? I personally don’t think divorce is the answer until you’ve turned over every stone and come to an educated decision about what is right for you and the marriage.

Below are things you can do that will help you make a final and educated decision about whether to stay or leave the marriage.

What to do About Your Husband’s Sexual Addiction

1. Do your research; find out all you can about sexual addiction. When researching you should not only focus on the spouse who is sexually addicted but yourself also. I have found that most people research the problems of the other person in hopes of finding a way to change them.

When faced with marital problems the only person you can change is yourself. When gathering information be sure to find out what about you got you there, it can tell you a lot about whether or not you need to stay.

2. Find a good support group. You local mental health association can put you in touch with a sex addicts support group such as COSA, an organization for those whose lives have been negatively touched by the sexual behaviors of another person.

3. Find a therapist who is an expert in sexual issues and family of origin issues. There may be issues you need to address from your family of origin that lead you to marry someone with an addictive personality.

4. Do not tolerate what you feel is intolerable. People married to sex addicts, alcoholics or drugs addicts tend to be co-dependent. Co-dependents have a hard time setting boundaries with others about what is and isn’t acceptable behavior.

The more adept you are at setting boundaries, the more self-esteem you will have and the more empowered you will feel.

5. Insist that your spouse become actively involved in a sex addicts support group. Not only does the addict need a 12 step program to address their issues, you, the wife, needs to see a willingness to work through their issues. If you stay in the marriage trust will need to be rebuilt and for that to happen the addict will have to show, via their own work that they are worthy of your trust.

6. Don’t threaten to leave the marriage unless you are serious. Empty threats to leave only reinforce the addict’s belief that he/she can behave inappropriately and you will still be there.  It won’t take your spouse long to realize that you aren’t really going to leave.

Instead of threatening to leave take action. If your spouse witnesses you researching the problem, going to support group meetings and setting firm boundaries you will send a stronger message than an empty threat to leave will.

It has been proven that to change another you must first change yourself. Responding in the same manner to any problem in your marriage only prolongs the problems. If your spouse sees you changing the way you typically respond to problems they may be spurred into making changes in themselves.

When it comes to addiction of any kind, the addict won’t address their own issues until they are faced with the likelihood of losing what is most valuable to them. If you focus on helping yourself instead of focusing on fixing the addict you are more likely to elicit the change you wish for.

If, in the end, your spouse refuses to seek help the likelihood of him/her changing is slim. Whether they change or not is unimportant because what you have done is take action to educate and protect yourself. Your future and emotional wellbeing will no longer depend on what your sex addicted husband does but on what decisions you make about what is and isn’t in your best interest.

There is a process psychologist referred to as “detachment.” What I have described above are the actions of someone who has detached themselves from their spouse’s behaviors. Detachment is a difficult process to explain BUT I believe it is the most effective way to deal with an addict.

If you want to “detach” and do what is best for you, the addict and the marriage print out the points below and change your behavior accordingly.

  • Accept and embrace your own inabilities to change the sex addict.
  • Do not engage in snooping or watching the sex addicts every move.
  • Accept that you cannot control the sex addict or what he/she does.
  • DO NOT react in the same old way.
  • Focus your time and energy on your life and what you want from your life.
  • Set boundaries in a loving manner and expect respect and kindness in return.
  • Detaching does not mean ignoring negative sexual behavior or becoming a doormat.
  • Accept that, in the end, your marriage may not survive.

The post How To Respond To Your Husband’s Sexual Addiction appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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Child Sexual Abuse: Yes, I Am A Helicopter Mom, And For a Good Reason

Child Sexual Abuse: Yes, I Am A Helicopter Mom, And For a Good Reason

Sad Boy.jpg

 

I’m that “helicopter” mom playing with my son at the park. I’m making sure my sweet boy doesn’t get out of sight.

I’m the mom at the play date who stays at your house, visiting, always keeping an eye on my child. I politely decline sleepover invitations.

I dearly love this boy. He’s funny and outgoing and generally kind. You may think I’m hovering and being overprotective.

Child sexual abuse: I’m making sure your child is safe from mine.

At age five, my child started acting out sexually, in explicit ways, and he told me clearly about inappropriate, intimate sexual contact he’d had with an adult’s penis.

I reported it to the proper authorities. Nothing happened.

The adult was my husband, and we were divorcing. Instead of believing my child’s words to me, it was easier for Child Protective Services to believe his dad’s word that they just took a shower together. CPS “educated” him on not doing this again and filed a report ruling out abuse.

Since then, his dad has been seen drunk-driving our son and leaving him strapped in a hot car while buying alcohol and cigarettes (CPS again did nothing, even though it was a criminal act, so it’s happened again). Our son says his dad has served him wine and shown him porn. Our son has talked about death and has tried to cut himself and strangle me. He’s drawn scary pictures with demons and genitalia and weapons. He has fits of rage. He has odd seizures of staring into space.

This happy boy, who could read at age three, by grade three needs help for multiple learning disorders and risks failing state exams.

Our son has been suspended from school for sexualized behaviors against other children. Most concerning, he initiated sexual contact with a friend the summer after first grade, while his friend’s parent and I were in the next room. He told his friend to keep it a secret. A few months later, he told his friend he wanted to have sex again. His friend, distraught, finally told his parents about the incidents.

State law mandates a person call CPS when a person suspects abuse. When I’ve made these required calls, I’ve been wrongly accused of “parental alienation.” Some judges wrongly use this unscientific theory to take kids away from protective parents who report abuse. This is a horrendous outcome for kids: to be stripped from a loving parent and given to an abuser.

Meanwhile, no one else ever reported the sexual behavior to CPS – not his psychologists, not the school counselor, not the (former) friend’s parents. Even though we all know acting out is a huge red flag for a child being sexually abused. It’s an even bigger red flag for a seven-year-old to ask his friend to keep it a secret. It’s an enormous red flag when we all know the child made a prior outcry.

When asked about incidents, our son pretends they never happened. He flees to a fantasy world. He tells me his dad tells him to keep secrets. He sometimes drops hints. But it’s possible we may never know what happened – or is still happening – to this precious child.

It’s clear that the person I love most has been abused. It’s also clear our society does not prioritize crimes against kids, and our courts do not make child protection a priority.

If a stranger victimized my child (or committed a crime against an adult), there would be a real investigation by police, with real evidence-gathering. But an abuser is almost always someone in a child’s circle of trust. When the perp is the parent or family member, the “investigation” is largely left to over-worked, under-resourced state caseworkers who don’t have the tools or time to gather or analyze evidence or even talk to relevant people. The CPS workers instead offer services to keep kids with parents. They meet strict deadlines and usually “rule out” abuse – which then makes protecting the child in court even more difficult for the protective parent.

It’s time to declare war on child maltreatment.

Toxic stress from abuse and neglect physically damages children’s developing brains. The Adverse Childhood Experiences study conclusively proves the link between severe or chronic maltreatment and future mental health problems, addictions, chronic diseases, self-harm, crime, and violence – and the perpetuating cycle. Children with several adverse experiences have a much greater prevalence of learning and behavior problems in school. Without intervention, they can end up repeatedly cycling through jails, emergency rooms, and hospitals.

It’s time to break the cycle.

My son is doing much better, after intensive counseling and other measures, but I don’t let him alone with another child. I want him to have friends and fun and learn empathy and respect and self-control. I want him to know he’s loved. I want him to grow up to be a good, moral man and to overcome the toxic maltreatment that can overwhelm him.

I will do my best to protect your child. My heart breaks when I can’t protect mine.

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