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7 Signs Your Parent Is Narcissistic

7 Signs Your Parent Is Narcissistic

 

Many people in this community have been narcissistically abused as a child and my heart goes out to you if this has been your plight.

Today, I share with you the seven top signs I believe typify a narcissistic parent and how their behaviour can affect you as an adult.

The binds and trauma may still be present between you and your narcissistic parent – whether he or she is alive or not, and so it is my deepest wish that this video gives you answers, relief and a true solution to your pain.

 

 

Video Transcript

Maybe you do not realise that your parent was a narcissist because what you experienced as a child was your ‘normal.’

Or perhaps you do know.

Truly, it can be terribly devastating for those who did suffer a narcissistic parent, and my heart goes out to you if that is you.

In today’s TTV Episode I want to share with you the seven signs that I believe are indicators your parent is a narcissist – what these signs look like and how having a narcissistic parent may have affected you.

At the end of this episode, I also want to share with you hope … A knowing that even if abuse is all that you have ever known, you can heal from this.

Okay, before we get started, thank you everyone who has subscribed to my channel and for supporting the Thriver Mission. And if you haven’t yet subscribed, I want to remind you to please do. And if you like this video, please make sure you hit the like button.

Alright, let’s look at this…

 

Number 1 Invalidation

Sadly, a narcissistic parent is self-absorbed and only interested in their own thoughts and feeling. It is common for this parent to not listen to you, not care what you are feeling, and to either force their will upon you or ignore your appeals to them, regardless of what is going on for you.

Because of this, you grew up believing that your thoughts, feelings, and desires were unimportant and, if expressed, would only bring further invalidation and disappointment.

This means, as an adult, you will tend to fit in with others, submerge your own needs, and you won’t speak up to express either your own needs or your values.

Maybe you have found it extremely difficult to even know what your values and needs are.

 

Number 2 Instability

Narcissistic instability means that one minute your parent could be engulfing and fawning over you and the next they are triggered, angered and even verbally or physically violent – and certainly emotionally malicious.

As a child, you may not have known what this parent was going to be like on a day-to-day, or even minute-to-minute basis.

Because there was be no rhyme or reason to your parent’s behaviour, and therefore nothing you could have done to predict or negate the outburst, as a child you learnt that ‘love’ was unstable and even dangerous.

If this is what you experienced, it is likely that you have suffered the anxiety of not knowing how to be safe in life in your own body, and especially with people who are close to you.

This means you might try to read people’s energy to be safe, and try to please them and calm them down to survive.

It can also mean you run towards abusive people, trying to fix them to make them love you and look after you, rather than detaching yourself and getting away from them.

As a child, you had to do all you could to keep your parents around and to survive with them.

 

Number 3 Exploitation

Commonly, a narcissistic parent will use a capable or attractive child to further their own cause of gaining narcissistic supply.

Rather than wanting their children to succeed for the child’s sake, this parent makes it all about themselves – the fulfilment of their own ego, complete with the admiration and envy of others.

Often a child will be pushed into a direction, with high demands and pressure, that the child may not necessarily want to do or perform. This child is the golden child, who receives a ton of attention and energy, yet is being exploited for the narcissist’s own need to feel significant.

This child loses his or her personality, dreams and wishes, and becomes a mere extension of the narcissistic parent. And when he or she doesn’t perform that role, is punished or downgraded.

If this happened to you, you will have embedded within your Inner Being programs of conditional love. This means that you will be very hard on yourself. Also, you may find it very hard to relax and take time out, because you are always trying to get the job done and done right.

You may believe that people will only ever love you for what you can achieve, and not for who you are.

 

Number 4 Manipulation

Guilting is a very common weapon used by a narcissistic parent. This parent may remind you constantly of what they do for you and how ungrateful you are if you don’t abide by their demands.

The guilting can turn into abusive shaming, if this parent has set upon you as the scapegoat – meaning blaming you for the state that parent is in or the way the family is.

Maybe you were compared to a sibling, and insulted regarding how you didn’t measure up to him or her.

This will cause the adult you to be susceptible to being blamed for other’s problems, which they refuse to take responsibility for themselves. You may also find yourself taking the blame, feeling shameful and guilty, and trying to fix things that are not your fault.

 

Number 5 Neglect

The neglect of a narcissistic parent can come in many different shapes and forms. Common are the ignoring of the needs of their children – emotional, mental, physical and spiritual.

When it is all about the narcissistic parent, then others are unimportant. It’s narcissistic selfishness and self-absorption. A narcissist’s primary driver is narcissistic supply, which means getting attention and acclaim from others.

It is very common, whilst the parent is seeking supply through career, socialising, self-indulgence or pastimes, that the child will be left with the other parent or even, from a young age, on their own.

Also, many narcissists suffer from the secondary addiction (narcissistic supply being the first) of substance abuse. Addicts are unavailable parents. Narcissistic addicts are doubly so.

If this was your plight, then you learned from an early age that your life was up to you. You found it difficult to trust others and let them in. You may struggle to delegate, let people in or play team with others. You most likely hold the belief, ‘It’s always up to me. Others don’t support me.’

Or, you may crave attention and affection so much that you are highly susceptible to bonding with and trusting people far too quickly, rather than taking your time to get to know them.

 

Number 6 Superficiality

The narcissistic parent may have a completely different persona in public to within the home.

People think the narcissistic parent is lovely and has a beautiful nature; that they love and adore their family. Little do they know the truth of what goes on behind closed doors when ‘others’ are not around.

Image, pretences and having others envy and think that the narcissist has the ‘perfect’ life, is all part of a False Self constructing a False Life.

If you experienced this as a child, you may be hard on yourself regarding how you appear to others and believe that people will only accept you if you are ‘perfect’.

You will have gone through the devastation of being treated like an object, so as to present a perfect image, rather than as a blood, flesh and soul human being with feelings.

You may get into relationships with people who objectify you, and you may even do this to yourself (rather than connect to your own true feelings and needs).

 

Number 7 Control

If a child wants to express their individuality and seems to be breaking away from the family mould, then there are methods that a narcissistic parent may use to exert control.

One of them is demeaning the child’s worth, dreams and wishes, to stop him or her succeeding in breaking free. Another is to express jealousy and hostility with anything that the child wants to do away from the family. This can be directed at friends or this child’s love partner.

By keeping the child stuck and minimalised, the narcissist gets to boost his or her own insecure ego.

Another method of control can be to wrap the child up in duties and chores or a family business, or even family commitments, so that they can’t have a life of their own.

The guilting and demanding of service from a child can continue even when the narcissist is elderly, keeping the child bonded throughout their adult life.

If this has been your experience, it is likely that you feel obligated and tied to the burden of looking after others and don’t feel free enough to pursue your own dreams and goals. You may believe it is selfish to do so.

It is NOT true that You Can’t Heal!

If this video related to you, I so hope it has validated what you have been through.

I want you to know, with all of my heart, that it is NOT true that it will take decades (or a lifetime) of therapy to recover from the terrible traumas you suffered as a child.

Likewise, it is NOT true that it will take years and years for you to learn how to BE different in relationships, or for you to have healthy, reciprocal relationships of kindness, love and trust, where you can get your needs met (as well as keep healthily loving others)!

It is also NOT true that you are stuck with a narcissistic parent and the hooks that they have in you for the rest of your life.

If this has been your struggle, please come with me and let me show you how you can break free in the fastest, most guilt-free and direct way you could ever know possible.

I promise you it IS possible, and today I can help you start by clicking this link.

And if you want to see more of my videos, please subscribe so that you will be notified as soon as each new one is released. And if you liked this – click like. Also, please share with your communities so that we can help people awaken to these truths.

As always I am greatly looking forward to answering your comments and questions below.

 

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dating new guy

Dating a New Guy? 5 Signs It May Be Time To Abort Mission!

dating new guy

 

For a single mother, maneuvering through the world of dating can be a hazardous minefield.

When a woman is clear-minded about her wants and needs regarding a romantic partner, the mining process ensues. If you are seeking a long-term commitment, the following signs will help save you time and heartache.

As a single mother, an experienced dater, and an educated woman in the field of human science, I have identified the top red flags that require an immediate “Abort mission!”

Dating a New Guy? 5 Signs He Isn’t The Guy For You

1. A man who is unsure or not clear about his life preferences.  

As a woman seeking a long-term commitment and marriage, I have so much respect for the dude who openly admits to just wanting a casual hook up, this way I can immediately SWERVE!  The guy who “isn’t quite sure” what he is looking for in terms of a relationship or “still doesn’t know about the kid thing” is now completely and utterly unappealing to me. Here is sign #1.

When you know what you do want, you know what you don’t want. Say it with me, “Any man who does not know exactly what he wants in terms of his future romantic life is NO longer attractive to me and it is NOT my job to try and change his mind!”

Listen, mama, if you aren’t sure regarding your desires, by all means, jump in and have fun. The best of us were once there, too. No judgment! However, if you have precisely identified what you desire from life, love, and family and this potential suitor remains clueless, just respect his journey and wish him well. You deserve a man who knows. Keep it movin’, mama!

2. You cannot even briefly imagine the man as a future parent or role model for your children.

Hit. The. Brakes. You have reached sign #2. There is something to be said for a mama’s intuition. When your stomach gets tight over the idea of a man interacting with your children and you cannot even imagine said man stepping up to parent your kiddos, take a bow and bounce. The right connection should feel peaceful and secure. A man’s poor habits such as drinking and driving, ignoring his own physical health, or the absence of work-life balance are sufficient indications that send me running for the hills. Girl, grab my hand and come with, knees up!

3. He is critical and puts you down.

Can you say “Hello, ego?” Here’s the skinny; we are on our BEST behavior at the beginning of our dating endeavors. For the first few meetups, we generally worry about possible food stuck in between our chompers and we are cognizant about how we outwardly appear as we gradually reveal parts of our personalities and preferences. The man who demonstrates judgment, criticism, or disapproval of you or any part of your life this early on will only worsen this poor, controlling behavior over time.

If he name calls jokingly and you don’t like it, speak up. If this behavior continues, let me present sign #3. If he happens to see a photo of your family and begins commenting on someone’s current weight status, request that Uber ASAP. Call it quits and then give him the best view yet …that booty walking away! No comments necessary.

4. Your closest family and friends have not said one good thing about him.

We all have a selection of close family and friends whose opinions we value greatly. These people know our hearts, our desires, and preferences, therefore, they are also knowledgeable about what type of man would best fit into our life puzzle. When we first fall for someone, those pesky love hormones are raging in our bloodstream.

Even for the most intelligent women like us, it can be easy to miss those bright, red flags initially. Our tribe, however, is on point and clear-minded. They love us and only want the best for us and our children. After meeting your man, if the crowd falls completely silent, please acknowledge that as sign #4!

When you are big-time interested in a guy, do the faithful friend test. Plan a meetup and remain open to any and all feedback. My people always speak out on the positive traits of others when they see ‘em. When your crew has nada to say, step away and evaluate for yourself. If your folks haven’t outwardly identified one darn-good quality about this hot dog, graciously contemplate, “What could I be missing here? then remove your buns from his access and make him miss you!

5. He is not completely accepting of you, your past, flaws and all. 

If he begins making sly, sarcastic comments about the number of children you “should have had” or how you ought to have a more prestigious career and a bigger house with more bathrooms, this is sign number five! Our past stories, heartbreaks, and losses have beautifully created us to be exactly the women we are here and now. The right man for you will adore those battle wounds and war medals with appreciation and mother-lovin’ AWE for the way you love so hard today.

Any man who cannot accept and appreciate A) what you currently have (or don’t have) in the bank, B) what you are able to bring to table, and C) those cute, little humans that you are singlehandedly raising… well, he should not even be rewarded with a second glance. Just ask for the check and proceed to the EXIT sign.

Remember that every ending is a redirection or a light shining upon a new path, which will ultimately lead you closer towards your heart’s desire. One ultimate and final message: embrace your unfathomable worth, prioritize your own personal desires, have as much fun as you possibly can, and my absolute favorite phrase of advice from my heart to yours, “Keep Not Settling.”

The post Dating a New Guy? 5 Signs It May Be Time To Abort Mission! appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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11 Signs of An Emotionally Abusive Relationship

11 Signs of An Emotionally Abusive Relationship

Emotionally abusive relationships cause untold pain and stress on both our bodies and our minds. But how do we know what one looks like?  

 

 

“It is not the the bruises on the body that hurt. It is the wounds of the heart and the scars on the mind.”
― Aisha Mirza

 

Emotional abuse doesn’t start from day one. There is that lovely first stage when they are wonderful, everything you have ever wanted.  It seems you both want the same things out of life and yes, things move fast, but when it’s right it’s right. Right?

 

Sadly, that initial rush of excitement is often a chemical response and once you settle into a steady relationship, those exciting chemicals are replaced with calmer but more long lasting ones such as Oxycontin – the love drug.

 

Healthy relationships can thrive with this change.  Both parties feel secure and comfortable and are excited by the future.

 

Emotionally abusive relationships however can flounder at this point because the abuser craves the high of the start of the relationship and so they can change almost overnight.

 

Sometimes the arrival of a child can be the catalyst.  Suddenly they aren’t the centre of attention any more and this creates anxiety in them and they feel rejected.  Or they can become obsessed with the child and push you away. This can result in anger, resentment and even a breakup.

 

In both cases the other party, you, is left wondering where the great person they originally met went to.

 

For those who stick at the relationship, an insidious type of abuse can emerge.  Physical abuse is more overt and victims recognise it as unhealthy even when they aren’t in a position to leave.  But covert, emotional and psychological abuse is less easy to recognise and victims can stay for years before the realisation occurs.

 

This article will provide you with 11 signs of an emotionally abusive relationship with the hope to at least give you the awareness of what is going on.

 

11 Signs of a Emotional Abuse

 

  1. There is a lack of an emotional connection

    You never turn to each other for emotional support. You look to other people first. Or you have to mind read their emotions and put yours in a box. Certain personality types, including narcissists, are emotionally unavailable and can struggle with not just their own but also with their partners emotions.  This can lead to outbursts of either rage or silence as they become overwhelmed. They will also belittle or ignore your emotions and your emotional needs leaving you feeling lonely and unheard
  2. One person is dominant in the relationship

    They control everything.  The money. The decisions. The child care.  And they refuse to listen to your opinion. They send a very clear message that they know best and a subtle message that you are unable/incapable of doing anything.

    Or they set you up to fail by giving you all the control but constantly belittling you for your “mistakes”. They refuse to do anything and you often feel like you are parenting them.  Either way, their personality is dominant and everyone knows where the power lies.


    In family systems theory this is known as differentiation of self and all family members lose their own identity and become almost cult like in their following of the leader.
  3. You don’t have a sense of relationship security

    All relationships go through tough times but healthy individuals stay and work things out or end it to work on themselves.  Emotionally insecure people threaten to leave regularly so you feel like you have a noose around your neck all the time. This is another aspect of control and power over you.

    They want you to know the consequences of disagreeing with them or not adhering to their requests in any way.

  4. You are experiencing physical symptoms of anxiety, depression, chronic pain, PTSD or substance abuse issues.  It is toxic stress and can be really damaging to your whole body
  5. Your partner is defining your reality by saying one thing and then denying it.  This is known as gaslighting and is psychological manipulation, a tactic often used by narcissists.
  6. They are extremely jealous and want to know where you are and who you are with constantly.  They don’t trust you to go to the shops and make constant accusations, some subtly, some outright. This is designed to isolate you and for them to maintain control of you
  7. They “surprise” you with changes to plans you already made under the guise of it being special, or better.  Really this is coercive and covert control.
  8. You feel sorry for them even though they are hurting you.  You blame it on stress, money, work – anything you can think of.  The reality is you care more about them than you do about yourself.
  9. They keep mentioning another person’s name but claims they are just friends

    Triangulation is a very powerful tool in creating jealousy and maintaining power.  They also do it to test boundaries and show how omnipotent they are. They get a kick out of seeing you uncomfortable and now knowing how to react.  If you question them you may get mocked or even accused of being abusive for not letting them have friends. They will say you are paranoid and so you will second guess everything.
  10. You are walking on eggshells

    Sometimes you don’t even want to go home because you don’t know what to expect and haven’t got the energy to manage it.  So you find yourself sat in the car in the car park or lingering in the shop just to delay walking into uncertainty. You even jump for joy when they aren’t in!
  11. You are questioning your sanity

    One of the biggest signs is when you start to think that you must be the problem.  You have been repeatedly told you are crazy, paranoid, miserable and they are so convincing that they are innocent, projecting it all onto you, that you begin to wonder if they are right. This isolates you and prevents you from opening up to anyone else for fear of being judged and it also provides a strong narrative for them to recruit family and friends to make you feel worse and imply you have problems.  This deflects all blame from them and no matter what you tell anyone, they have already stabbed you in the back and created their own version of the truth.

All of these signs are recognised in abuse models. This is known as the Duluth power and control wheel and is used to “diagnose” abusive relationships.

unhealthy relationship model
Duluth power and control wheel

 

If you recognise all of these signs, you are definitely in an emotionally abusive relationship and may even be in a relationship with a narcissist.  That may be the first time you have heard that. Take a minute. It’s not easy to hear.  It’s also up to you what you do with that.

 

I also understand that it isn’t easy to label the person you love as a narcissist.  You see all the good in them and believe that deep down they are a good person. I believe that too.  But right now you are suffering. You wouldn’t be here if you weren’t. And so something for you to consider is do you love them more than you love yourself?

 

I understand that what you want more than anything is for things to go back to how they were at the start.  For them to be the loving, fun and attentive person they were. Sadly we don’t have a time machine. And you can’t unknow what you know.  But you can make some conscious choices. The first of which is

 

  1. A) Do nothing, store this information away in your brain to perhaps recall at a later date but just get on with things
  2. B) Learn more.  Find out the reality of where you are at. Find out whether they are narcissistic.

 

If you choose B, we can help. You can read through our blogs for more information. We also have a quiz to help you know whether or not you are dealing with a narcissist.  It’s totally free.

Take our free “Is my partner a narcissist quiz?”

The post 11 Signs of An Emotionally Abusive Relationship appeared first on The Nurturing Coach.

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8 Signs You Are Suffering From Narcissistic Abuse

8 Signs You Are Suffering From Narcissistic Abuse

 

Many people are not sure whether or not they are suffering from narcissistic abuse. Cognitive dissonance and the confusion that goes with abuse can have a lot to do with this.

Today I want to grant you eight signs to know that you are suffering narcissistic abuse, so that not only can you have clarity, but also you know where to go from here.

If this is your first time dealing with narcissistic abuse, you may not realise that by the time you’re suffering these eight signs things are serious, and if you don’t get clarity and start making decisions to protect yourself it’s going to get much worse.

Those of you who are going through this again, like myself and many others did twice or more, we really need to face up to the facts about what toxic relationships look like and who we need to be to get out of them and stay out of them.

This is exactly what today’s article is all about – the awareness and solutions to empower you up and out of narcissistic abuse. Please know this article is about absolutely any narcissist in your life – all the signs apply to any toxic relationship such as a spouse, lover, family member, neighbour or friend. Anyone.

 

Number 1: Your Relationship Is Not Kind, Caring Or Sane

Now, this is where we need to get really clear. Toxic relationships can be very confusing at times, making it difficult to know ‘who is who in the zoo’. This happens because a toxic person will spin it back on you, blame you and will not be accountable.

I really want to say this about the first of the eight signs that you are suffering from narcissistic abuse: if someone hurts you and is not capable of a genuine apology, and you keep hanging out with this person, they will continue to hurt you. They will never be remorseful and, of course, will continue the same behaviour.

We do need to understand what out-of-bounds behaviour is. It can range all the way from name-calling to physical abuse; to mental abuse and pathological lying; to having no regard for your property or the people you care about … the list goes on and on.

I have included here a link to my article Are You With a Narcissist?  so that you can get very clear about what narcissistic behaviours are.

If you are in a relationship with a person who repeats out-of-bound behaviours that are violating and hurtful, first of all know our Inner Being always registers this! This means you are being abused. If this person makes false or non-existent apologies, has no respect or care for your feelings, blames you for the problems, and even smears you to others telling them you are the bad guy or girl and that it is he or she who is being abused, then this is absolutely narcissistic.

The Truth About This

People either have a decent character or they don’t. We are not going to change who people are – it is us who needs to change for us to have any chance of a healthy, loving and happy life.

That entails letting go of our connection to someone like this, healing ourselves by doing the inner work, and getting very clear about our own self-love, self-worth, boundaries and how to generate real, loving and responsible adult relationships in the future.

A person like this simply does not have the resources to grant us this – but we can.

Now let’s look at the second sign that you are suffering from narcissistic abuse.

 

Number 2: You Are Dealing With Immature Behaviour and Give Up Pieces of Yourself To Comply

A hallmark of narcissistic relationships is this person gets bent out of shape on hair-line triggers that mature adults just don’t get upset about. Also, they believe they are entitled to and expect preferential treatment, and can be nasty, demanding, punishing and even explosive if they don’t receive it.

You discover that there are certain things you just can’t naturally or normally talk about. Likewise, there are things that you would normally be free to do, that may be unacceptable or risky now.

Maybe if this person doesn’t get their own way, they will abandon you or threaten to leave you, and again you start doing things outside of your comfort and value systems to stop this happening.

Often your inner being is screaming ‘no’ when the narcissist asks for something, but you know what could take place if you don’t comply, so you give up your time, resources, and even life, trying to keep this person happy, which ironically doesn’t work and the walking on broken glass doesn’t stop either.

The Truth About This

You are damned if you do and damned if you don’t, and it doesn’t matter how many shapes you twist yourself into, they are still not happy.

You will never make this person happy, and it’s not your job to either. Your true soul mission is to align with the truth of your soul and then you will serve others and life in holistic and healthy ways. By staying with someone like this, not only are you being destroyed but you are also hurting the people who care about you. By staying with them and trying to please them, you are enabling this person to continue being an abuser.

No one wins in the healthy stakes in this dynamic.

Okay, so the third sign that you are suffering from narcissistic abuse is this…

 

Number 3: You Are Angry, Disjointed and Are Behaving In Ways That You Normally Don’t

I believe a good indication that you are being narcissistically abused is seeing the discrepancy with how you feel with this person in relation to your everyday dealings with other people.

If you know that you have integrity, can listen, have empathy, are capable of having sane conversations and get along with most people in your life, and yet there is ‘this’ person who brings out the worst in you – this is generally because your boundaries are being violated and the normal modes of human operations don’t stand.

The circular arguments you are having make your head spin, because they go around and around on unrelated tangents – points that make no sense. Narcissists use these tactics when confronted, or they argue with you to manipulate you into something unwholesome:

Toxic people:

  • make excuses for their behaviour.
  • minimise an incident altogether.
  • accuse someone else of wrongdoing.
  • confuse you with antics or trivia to take you off the subject.
  • use allies, real or fabricated, to back up their argument.
  • use ‘tit for tat’ behaviours relating to something you did in the past.
  • state how disloyal your accusations of them are.
  • discredit your observations, owing to your ‘unstable’ past.

And the list goes on and ON! You feel like your head is spinning and the frustration, pain and trauma is beyond intense.

The Truth About This

Please get VERY clear about this – when you are enmeshed with a sick person, you get sick.

If you are experiencing these type of instances in your relationship, it is time to pull away, get away and heal. You may not realise it, but what you are doing is granting what this person wants – the drama and significance of knowing they can hook you in and affect you so much. It’s called narcissistic supply. You need to cut this off to have any chance of getting your soul and life back.

 

Number 4: You Find Yourself Trying To Prove That You Are A Good Person

Because the narcissist is regularly accusing you of all the things that they are and do, such as lacking integrity and love and care for people, being unfaithful, lying, making it all about yourself, wanting to use people for your own gain, etc., naturally you will be incensed and try extremely hard to prove and convince them otherwise.

You will be shocked at the allegations regarding things that you don’t do and aren’t capable of doing, which, in actual fact, you know are what the narcissist does.

You may have said in total shock and horror to the narcissist, ‘Do you have a mirror?’ or ‘You have no idea who I am’ or ‘If you really think that about me, why are you with me?’

The Truth About This

This is another deadly hook that narcissists can get us enmeshed with them on. If we believe that our integrity, character, wellbeing and safety is dependent on what other people think of us, then we are really susceptible to this narcissistic behaviour.

To truly heal we need to detach from other people who have warped versions of us and then heal inside to get to the solid place of knowing. It’s only our version of ourselves that is vital. And when we are true to our ‘self’, who and what is healthy will follow, and those that don’t we will easily leave alone.

 

Number 5: You Are Mopping Up the Messes

Being connected with a narcissist has lots of drama, rough edges and quite frankly means that disasters are always looming.

Narcissists usually aren’t good with detail, accountability or sensibility. They fly high, seeking narcissistic supply and acclaim with not much thought for ‘doing the right thing’. It’s normal to have all sorts of things pop up as a result of the narcissist’s loose and non-accountable behaviour, which of course is always someone else’s fault.

If your life is connected with one of these people, it is usual that you will be paying their fines, sorting out their messes and dramas, and even lying for them to cover their tracks.

It’s like this analogy – as you are watering their back lawn trying to keep it green, yours gets parched, turns brown and dies.

The Truth About This

This is how narcissists roll, and this is what happens to the sensible, well-meaning, responsible people who narcissists like to recruit into their lives.

Know that when you are emptied out you will be discarded and the narcissist will then find some other good, responsible person to take on the mopping-up task for them.

One of the greatest gifts of our recovery, when we walk away from people like this and do the inner work, is we learn how to be responsible for ourselves and generate lives with people who take responsibility, and we stop enabling people who don’t.

By walking away, healing and re-starting our life with self-responsibility – being left to ‘mop up messes’ won’t happen to us again.

 

Number 6 – Your Boundaries Are Being Disintegrated

In a relationship with a narcissist you will find it difficult to speak up, stand up for yourself or hold boundaries. And when you try to do so, you are criticised, rejected, abandoned or punished.

To try to minimalise the trauma and mayhem that breaks out – you start to give up on trying to assert your needs.

Or maybe, because you have dissolved into so many feelings of powerlessness, helplessness and despair, you find yourself begging or pleading for your boundaries to be respected. Discovering that the narcissist has zero empathy for you and won’t comply, takes you down into an even deeper place of helplessness.

The Truth About This

It’s extremely common for people with poor boundaries to get involved with narcissists. When we get away and start healing and recovering our True Selves, we can become someone who has a healthy boundary function.

Then we know going forward that it isn’t about other people getting our boundaries, rather it is about us knowing our values, limits and truths; and if people can’t respect that, then these people can’t be in our life – no matter who they are.

For most of us this is our most important recovery work – because when we were young we weren’t able to establish and develop our inner truth, values and needs.

 

Number 7: You Feel Addicted, Disjointed and Manic

A perverse addiction happens with narcissists. There are many reasons we get trauma-bonded to them, and I’m sharing these resources on trauma bonding and peptide addiction to help you understand what it is all about.

Trauma Bonding – Is It Love Or Something Else?

The Answer To Narcissistic Abuse That No One Is Talking About  – Peptide Addiction

Suffice to say, before you understand what is going on with you physiologically – meaning within the cells in your literal body, which is hijacking 95% of your feelings, thoughts and your nervous system – you may feel manic and unable to stop trying to contact or hook back up with the narcissist, even when you know how much you continually get hurt by doing so.

We can be horrified with how addicted we are to someone who treats us so terribly. It just doesn’t make logical sense, hence why you really need to look at these resources above that I have provided you with.

I have had ex-heroin addicts tell me that getting off a narcissist is ten times harder than getting off heroin. After going through the horrifying narcissistic addiction myself, which nearly claimed my life, I can see what they mean.

The Truth About This

It is of course very serious when it gets to a stage where we simply can’t talk ourselves out of doing the actions that we know are putting ourselves back into the fire to get burnt again.

Deep inner healing in our subconscious is so necessary to start shifting out the trauma; to be able to be in our inner beings with ourselves, self-soothing, looking after ourselves and no longer handing power away in ways that are dangerous and possibly even tragically self-disintegrating.

 

Number 8: You Are Suffering Abuse Symptoms

Things are now very serious. When our emotional Inner Being has been screaming out for our attention and we haven’t as yet pulled away and turned inwards to heal and tend to our own soul and life-force, then physically we start breaking down for our soul to fully get our attention.

It is likely that anxiety and depression, and even greater issues like fibromyalgia, adrenal issues, PTSD and agoraphobia, start to develop. You lose interest in the activities, people and self-care, which used to grant you energy, as the toxic person in your life takes up more and more of your energy and focus.

As we get stripped away more and more, and keep handing our power, energy and attention away only to become less and less, the shame and pain becomes so great that we may start hiding out from the world, lying to people, covering up and feel even more isolated in our traumatic feelings and symptoms.

The Truth About This

How bad does it have to get before we awaken to the truth?

If we stay things get worse. And if we leave and don’t attend to our inner healing, things get worse.

We may lose a lot by leaving, as many of us have, however, by leaving we can achieve the greatest gain – finally turning inwards to integrate with ourselves so that we are in a position of wholeness and can be in control of our choices and have the power to look after ourselves and create a healthy, happy and truly loving life.

 

In Conclusion

Okay, please know this – there are varying degrees of narcissism and there also are people who can just be clueless and selfish but not necessarily afflicted with Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

If someone in your life does not share your values and doesn’t care for your feelings, then this is not a healthy relationship for you. As soon as we try changing other people, it’s time to pull away and say to ourselves and them, ‘This is who I am and what I need for us to continue.’

The person then either steps up, because they wish to change and meet us there or doesn’t – and if they don’t, we care and love people enough, regardless of who they are, to let them have their version of life for themselves – even if it is not what we want.

But the real question is: Are YOU whole enough to walk away if they don’t or can’t meet you where you are at?

That’s the Thriver development that we all need to do if we are to be whole and safe and powerful regardless of what other people are or aren’t doing.

That’s my favourite personal inner work, and I love to help others get there too – hence why I’m inviting you now to join me in my 16-day free course, which you can access immediately by clicking this link.

Or if you think you are ready to truly ready to heal for real from abuse, I’d love to guide you every step of the way in the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program.

Please share this article with your communities so that we can help people awaken to these truths.

As always I am greatly looking forward to answering your comments and questions below.

 

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7 Signs You Are Going To Recover From Narcissistic Abuse

7 Signs You Are Going To Recover From Narcissistic Abuse

 

Narcissistic abuse recovery can be confusing.

It is not always a straight line!

And … I know you need support and information from people like myself who have been through it, to know WHAT to EXPECT.

That’s why in Today’s Thriver TV Episode I wanted to share with you seven signs to help you know that you ARE on track with recovery.

I also want to help those of you who are not doing Thriver Recovery yet, to get clearer about what REAL recovery looks like and how to start aligning with it.

Wherever you are at – this episode will bring you validation, clarity and much needed answers!

 

 

Video Transcript

I love today’s TTV Episode because I know it will give you hope, and that’s so important because in narcissistic abuse recovery it’s not a straight line, and that can be confusing.

We may come so far and then think we have gone screaming backwards – but in fact we haven’t.

It is my greatest hope today that this episode will demystify recovery for you and help you know what it means to be on track. Also, to powerfully get you on track, I am granting you a NARP Version 3 Goal Setting Statement with each of the seven points.

Okay, before we get started, thank you, everyone, who has subscribed to my channel and for supporting the Thriver Mission. And if you haven’t yet subscribed, I want to remind you to please do. And if you like this video, please make sure you hit the like button.

Okay, let’s dive in.

 

#1 You Come Home To Being In Your Body

Such a big part of abuse symptoms is dissociation. The truth is, if we didn’t have a parent modelling for us how to process our troubled emotions through to calm and safety, our unhealed emotions became trapped trauma within.

As trauma builds, it may be impossible to withstand the painful feelings inside, so as a coping strategy from a young age we may have learned how to ‘check out’ and not ‘be’ in our bodies.

Absolutely as adults when we experience the emotional assaults of narcissistic abuse, that we haven’t processed through to completion and healing yet, the levels of inner trauma are so great that we become dissociative. We may be so checked out that we feel numb and spaced out and possibly can’t even feel our extremities and body parts.

Our life coming back online is about being able to reconnect with and get safe and solid in our bodies. The more we start releasing trauma when we turn inwards to self-partner, the more we can bring in Source to where the trauma once was. We start navigating our life from our truths and values inside us, rather than handing our power away to others.

After being dissociative, if you are doing the essential inner work to release your trauma and heal, you may start ‘feeling’ like yourself again. You will become aware of body parts and emotions and feelings inside of you.

A large part of our essential healing is becoming more able to be with our feelings and name them.  The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program (NARP) helps you do this powerfully – creating a safe way to reconnect inside, release trauma and heal yourself from the inside out.

To get back into our bodies, even though at first it seems highly uncomfortable, means that our life starts to reflect the glory and success of Life and others partnering us, just as we are now doing for ourselves.

And we discover, after a time, just how comforting, empowering and loving it feels, as well as completely natural, to be with ourselves self-partnered in our own body.

The NARP Goal Setting Statement that goes with this is: ‘I return into my body, release my trauma, and nestle into my values and truths.’

 

#2 Having Self-Compassion and Healthy Self-Talk

One of our greatest realisations after narcissistic abuse, is that the outer critical condemning person was often mirroring our own internal critic. How we were never good enough, hadn’t done enough and couldn’t live up to our own conditional standards.

Recovery from narcissistic abuse is a profound journey to realise that self-criticism, self-rejection and self-abandonment is no way to heal, get better and do better. When we start to become conscious of being our own lover and supporter, we start to gather wholeness, courage and capacity to change from the inside out.

This is a huge turnaround from the shame and blame we continually inflicted on ourselves, which contributed to us accepting bad treatment from other people because it mirrored the way we used to treat ourselves.

It is so true – we accept the level of love at the level we love and accept ourselves.

The NARP Goal Setting Statement is: ‘I now support and speak to myself lovingly. It’s my love that my inner being seeks the most.’

 

#3 You Accept and Settle Into the Healing Process

We can carry all sorts of inner beliefs about not being lovable or worthy of love or anything good until we are ‘perfect’. That is a ridiculous and false premise that has been a part of ingrained human conditioning that in no way serves us.

When you start loving and accepting yourself – flaws, wounds and all – you will discover something very powerful: your healing is much easier, because you no longer have conditions on it.

When we have accepted that we are all wounded and imperfectly perfect, and take responsibility for healing our wounds and releasing ourselves into happier, healthier higher trajectories of living – to benefit ourselves and the All – this changes everything about our healing.

Then you can check in with yourself about what to do to love and hold yourself in times of need. You can work with NARP healing Modules and self-care practices, rather than trying to push and force yourself into shape.

By supporting ourselves with unconditional love, and being in the joyous process of eternal evolution, we get to experience the right support, information, miracles and synchronicities as well as unconditional love from others in our life.

We realise the process of evolving ourselves and self-love right now is the key, not the destination of being ‘healed’.

The NARP Goal Setting Statement is: ‘I accept that I am in an eternal process of evolution with no requirement. I simply get happier, healthier and more whole and serve others and Life in Higher Ways.’

 

#4 You Start To Love Your Own Company and Peace and Tranquillity

Abusive situations are full of highs, lows, and drama. We may not realise that we are or were carrying all sorts of crisis consciousness patterns, keeping us unconsciously stuck in situations where we needed to fight battles and put out fires.

Because of our unhealed inner trauma, drama allowed us to self-avoid because we didn’t know how to be alone with our unresolved feelings, beliefs and inner traumas.

However, when you purposely turn inwards to self-partner and meet your emotions to release trauma and bring in the Light to heal, you will start to adore peace, calm and tranquillity.

This is when you will start to see the joy and value in the small things, nature, and Life itself.

No longer will you have the stomach for issues, turmoil, and drama.

The NARP Goal Setting Statement is: ‘I settle into the richness of peace and stillness, from where all opportunity is born.’

 

#5 You Feel Great and Then A Massive Trigger Goes Off Inside You

I really wanted to include this one, because it can be so deceiving. When a trigger goes off inside us, many people think that they have gone backwards in their recovery.

This is not true! These triggers can happen often in narcissistic abuse recovery such as in the time of breaking No Contact. This has happened to many of us after days, weeks, months or years.

There could be, of course, other triggers rather than breaking No Contact that go off for you such as when the ex-narcissistic partner gets a new partner, your kids get involved with a new step-parent, or the narcissist takes you to court. The list is endless.

Or maybe it is a feeling, a trigger that gets set off within you for no logical reason.

Please know this is totally on cue for your recovery. What it means is that now, after reaching a certain level of your evolution and healing, the next BIG wound that is ready to go has appeared for you to unpack it. This happens so you can go UP even higher and freer into your True Self and True Life.

If you feel like the trauma is so big that it’s a 10/10 in intensity – I promise you that if you meet it, release it and bring in Source to replace it (the NARP process), that the graduation, great feelings and bursting forth into your empowerment on the other side is a 10/10 as well.

That’s all you have to do!

These times, during absolute breakdown, are where your greatest acceleration in healing takes place. But only if you meet the trauma in your body and do the inner work, rather than get dragged into your head and ‘stinking thinking’ about it.

These are golden breakdown/breakthrough times of HUGE power and healing!

The NARP Goal Setting Statement is: ‘By meeting my trauma as it arises, I burst free into the higher trajectories of my soul’s dreams.’

 

#6 You Drop the Need to Attach to a False Identity

Before narcissistic abuse, most of us were inner identified with labels and achievements. We may have believed we were only as good as the security we had, what we achieved, what our last pay cheque was, how we looked, what people thought of us – the list goes on and on and on.

After we are narcissistically abused, very often the things that our previous identity used to be reliant on are wiped out. Many of us have had so much stripped from us, including our security, resources and health.

This means that we are left with only one thing to turn towards and value – our soul.

From here you make the transition into living free from conditions, achievements and outcomes in order to be whole.

When our Identity is no longer reliant on what we have or become, and is generated on the state of our Inner Being without props, this changes everything. Because we finally go about the healing of our shattered feelings instead of trying to get something from the outside to try to fix them.

Once we achieve this, which NARP powerfully does, then the doing and getting become effortless because it is an expression of who we are already Being.

We also no longer do the clinging to people and things, because we know that everything other than the worth and wholeness of our own soul is transient.

This is the true personal freedom that many of us never glimpsed, let alone experienced, until going through Thriver Recovery from narcissistic abuse.

The NARP Goal Setting Statement is: ‘By valuing and healing my soul, I know Who I Am and create more of myself with freedom and joy.’

 

#7 You Have Made Yourself Your Greatest Mission

Many people try to ‘get’ to ‘be’ until we realise the Quantum Law of so within, so without. This is perfectly understandable. We simply didn’t realise that life is about becoming an integrated, functional whole Being and that once we realise this our life mission will unfold.

What we are seeking to be and do is seeking us just as much – but we have fractures and false beliefs and traumas in our way that are not allowing this Source to flow through us as us.

We may also have the mistaken belief that what Source/God/Creation wants us to do is not what we want to do. This is completely a false premise because this higher benevolent force is you, and once aligned with it you will be flourished and nourished beyond your wildest dreams. You will be living the only life that was truly going to gratify you – the life you were born to live – if you only get yourself out of the way.

I don’t know of any force more powerful for you to align with your True Self and True Life of gifts and aspirations than narcissistic abuse recovery– as myself and countless Thrivers in this community have done.

Virtually all of us before recovery were trying to find our missions out there in life, not realising they were inside us ready to flow out once our traumas were out of the way.

Our soul urge coupled with all of Creation is too big not to happen, once you clear your trauma and fill with the Light that is you and your mission.

The healing of your soul is your biggest and most important job – and all else comes from that.

The NARP Goal Setting Statement is: ‘By assigning me as my greatest mission, my true mission outflows from me effortlessly.’

I so hope this video has helped.

Okay, if you want to start getting aligned with these truths to boost and actualise your recovery beyond your wildest dreams, then I’d love to help you.

So partner with me in the Thriver Way by clicking this link.

And if you want to see more of my videos, please subscribe so that you will be notified as soon as each new one is released. And if you liked this – click like. Also, please share with your communities so that we can help people awaken to these truths.

As always I am greatly looking forward to answering your comments and questions below.

 

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7 Signs Of Manipulation In a Relationship

7 Signs Of Manipulation In a Relationship

Have you been asked to do things you don’t want to do, things that put you in an uncomfortable situation or left you feeling unsettled?

Maybe even asked to do things that go against your values? And when they make the ask, maybe the other person made light of it (like it’s not a big deal) or they brought up your relationship with them and how if you truly cared about them you would do it for them. Often you end up doing as they wish in fear of losing the relationship with that person.

Manipulators prey on innocent people, especially individuals who have no boundaries or who have codependent patterns.

When we don’t realize we are being manipulated we have no defense.

Watch this video to learn how to spot the 7 signs of manipulation in a relationship, many of which are often overlooked.

The post 7 Signs Of Manipulation In a Relationship appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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58 signs you may be codependent

Codependent Relationships: 58 Signs You May Be Codependent

58 signs you may be codependent

 

Codependent relationships are a type of dysfunctional helping relationship where one person supports or enables another person’s addiction, abusive behavior, poor mental health, immaturity, irresponsibility, or under-achievement.

According to Melody Beattie, author of Codependent No More, “As professionals began to understand codependency better, more groups of people seem to have it. Adult children of alcoholics, people in relationships with emotionally disturbed people, people in relationships with irresponsible people and people in relationships with abusive people.”

Basically, a codependent is a person who gives more in a relationship than they get and holds onto the hope that their partner will change. Codependents enable, make excuses and make the relationship problems worse due to their inability to care more for themselves than they do their relationship partner or, the relationship.

Divorce court dockets are filled with people wondering what they could have done differently to save their marriages. If you are codependent, there is always something you can do to make things better, regardless of how darn bad a marriage gets. Are you codependent?

Below are 62 Signs You May Be a Codependent:

1. You know you are codependent when your therapists tell you to take back your life and you think, “I have to get a life first!”

2. You know you are codependent when you honestly think you can change your abuser and that someday your abuser will come through for you. All you have to do is hang in there!

3. You know you are codependent when things are going well but you are waiting for the other shoe to drop.

4. You know you are codependent when you jump through hoops and you aren’t even in the circus.

5. You know you are codependent when “I’m a Slave For You” is your favorite Britney Spears song.

6. You know you are codependent when you starve at an all-you-can-eat buffet because your partner can’t find anything they want to eat.

7. You know you are codependent when someone asks you, “What do you think?” and you are baffled because you haven’t given it much thought.

8. You know you are codependent when it is your birthday party and you go out of your way to see if everyone is enjoying themselves.

9. You know you are codependent when your motto is “whatever it takes”.

10. You know you are codependent when you get a sex change because your partner decides, suddenly, that they are gay. You go above and beyond to keep a lover happy!

11. You know you are codependent when your least favorite song is Mary J. Blige’s song, “No More Drama”.

12. You know you are codependent when you develop spondylitis because of the sack of guilt on your back.

13. You know you are codependent when your favorite childhood game was “SORRY”.

14. You know you are codependent when you love the cologne “Obsession”.

15. You know you are codependent when you have just come out of major surgery with the operation taking longer than expected and you feel guilty that your partner had to wait additional time.

16. You know you are codependent when you have 200 channels to pick from but you hand the remote to your partner.

17. You know you are codependent when you are told you are indecisive. You initially deny this then you say, “I am not indecisive…am I?”

18. You know you are codependent when you are from a warm climate yet you live in a place with a freezing weather 9 months out of the year because your partner has a weird fixation with sledding.

19. You know you are codependent when you apply for a job and the interviewer says, “Tell me a little about yourself” and you proceed to tell them about your partner’s love of hunting, skiing, and baseball.

20. You know you are codependent when you deny the first dance with your wife at your wedding reception because your mother is pouting in the corner because no one is paying her any attention.

21. You know you are codependent when you train intensely for a marathon and on the day of the event, you don’t run it because your partner is having a moment.

22. You know you are codependent when you apply for a “catering” job and your potential boss ask you if you have any experience and you reply, “Plenty”.

You know you are codependent when you hate country music but love the song, “Stand by Your Man”.

24. You know you are codependent when you think “Pleasant dreams” is an oxymoron.

25. You know you are codependent when your favorite Led Zeppelin song is “Ramble On”.

26. You know you are codependent when you could relate to the Secret Service for “taking a bullet” for protecting your guy. The only difference is they get paid for it.

27. You know you are codependent when you respect Paul Simon but don’t get it when he sings about “50 Ways to Leave Your Lover”.

28. You know you are codependent when your dad doesn’t give you any credit. He runs down your new fella saying he is not ambitious enough yet you are dating Pete Cashmore.

29. You know you are codependent when you apologize to your therapist for “talking too much” yet you are paying him/her for the privilege of talking.

30. You know you are codependent when you love the Beatles song, “We Can Work it Out”. It is your relationship anthem!

31. You know you are codependent when your therapist tells you to love yourself unconditionally and you come up with, “what else you got”?

32. You know you are codependent when you compare talking about yourself to The Wicked Witch in “The Wizard of Oz” losing the plot when Dorothy threw water on her.

33. You know you are codependent when you are attracted to irresponsible, rude bad boys who put you in your place and 20 years later you are still taking it.

34. You know you are codependent when your therapist develops writer’s cramp when you start listing all the things you hate about yourself.

35. You know you are codependent when you are raised in a “no talk of feelings” type of family and you tell your partner that your parents did the “best they could”.

36. You know you are codependent when stalking laws were written with you in mind. Get out from behind that bush!

37. You know you are codependent when the school bully takes your lunch money every day for a year but you forgive him because he has had a tough time of it at home.

38. You know you are codependent when your partner gives you flowers every time he cheats on you and now you have enough flowers to open up your own garden center. And, he is still cheating.

39. You know you are codependent when your drill instructor calls you a “no good, walking the dog, lowlife scumbag who doesn’t have what it takes” and you are impressed with his insight.

40. You know you are codependent when you easily forgive your parents because let’s not forget they had it so bad when they were growing up BUT you can’t give yourself a break on anything.

41. You know you are codependent when your favorite CD is Janet Jackson’s “Control”.

42. You know you are codependent when you have more issues than DC Comics.

43. You know you are codependent when you give great advice but you don’t practice what you preach.

44. You know you are codependent when you want to see your favorite group Santana in concert. You choose not to go when you see the name of the concert is, “An Intimate Evening With Santana” because you don’t do intimacy.

45. You know you are codependent when you seek out people who are emotionally unavailable. The irony is they think you are too emotional.

46. You know you are codependent when you work out to “If I Can’t Have You I Don’t Want Nobody, Baby” by Yvonne Elliman.

47. You know you are codependent when you can relate to a puppet because someone is always pulling your strings.

48. You know you are codependent when the people you admire are looked down on by other people.

49. You know you are codependent when your mother talks shit about you, yet you go out of your way to get her something nice for Mother’s day because deep down she, “really cares.”

50. You know you are codependent when you always reward your abusers for bad behavior.

51. You know you are codependent when you live by the expression “he isn’t so bad once you get to know him.”

52. You know you are codependent when you receive praise and scratch it off like a dog with fleas.

53. You know you are codependent when your mom tells you that you are weak for needing help and you think she has a point.

54. You know you are codependent when you don’t realize you have the strength to rid yourself of your abuser.

55. You know you are codependent when the title of the song “Sacrifice” by Elton John describes you.

56. You know you are codependent when you hang out at bars and attract all the damaged women who need to be rescued and, you think you got lucky.

57. You know you are codependent when you don’t do yourself any favors.

58. You know you are codependent when, after reading this list, you still can’t acknowledge your codependency.

The post Codependent Relationships: 58 Signs You May Be Codependent appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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5 signs it

You Deserve Better: 5 Signs It’s Time To Dump Him

5 signs it's time to dump him

 

Getting back into the dating game after a long time is an adventure. Winks and suggested matches on dating sites, endless swipes on Tinder, midnight sexting with that hot stud you exchanged phone numbers with who eventually ghosts you, a few awkward dates with men that you don’t have anything in common with.

After weeks and weeks of this back and forth game, you end up thinking “I just can’t be bothered” and settle down for a guy who seems to be ok: not too shabby in terms of his looks, smart enough to keep up with a conversation, maybe not exactly your type, but oh well. “You need to compromise”, – your friends say and you do your best. You overlook the things that are essential for you and put up with his ways while totally forgetting your own needs.

When somebody asks you “Are you happy with him?”, you just shrug your shoulder, “t could be worse I suppose”.

Stop!

You deserve better than that.

Here are 5 valid reasons it’s time to dump him.

He doesn’t show enough attention

The days when he texted you all day every day (that lasted for the first couple of weeks when you started dating) are long gone. Now he doesn’t text you much if at all, doesn’t reply to your text messages and there are no more cute emojis in his texts. You might think it’s not a big deal, but in fact, it signals a couple of things: it’s either he is not an attentive person and doesn’t see a need in putting an effort into a relationship and igniting the fire or worse – he has lost his interest in you.

When was the last time you received flowers from him? Does he treat you with any gifts every now and again or take you out on a date? Does he give you compliments? If it hardly ever happens and you find yourself in a boring couple’s routine, it is not a good place to be.

You are aware that a relationship is a two-way street and you try to put a spark into your relationship but he does nothing. You cook a nice dinner. He complains that there’s not enough salt in the food. You buy a new dress. He doesn’t even notice. You score tickets for an exclusive theatre performance. He says he’d rather go for a beer with his mates.

Let’s face it: he doesn’t appreciate your effort and takes you for granted. The paradox is that you try even harder hoping that it will eventually pay off. It won’t and he’ll end up sucking your energy like a leech.

Everything bugs him

No matter of your effort he is not happy with it and sometimes it seems there is no way you can please him. Every little thing that you do or you don’t do flares up in an argument. At first, you were trying to stand your ground and explain your position in a calm and logical way, but that only enraged him more. Being a rational woman as you are you decided to take a different approach and let go of those minor things.

Now you end up apologizing for everything and it encourages him to keep on pushing the limits and makes him feel that he is always right. His ego grew to the sky and he feels he can nag you about everything. Did you put his dirty towel in the laundry? “You should have asked me before doing that!”, he roars. Did you order a dessert after dinner? “You should watch out for those calories”, he snarls. He questions every choice of yours and wants you to be his mirror image – as perfect as he is.

The relationship with him feels like a battleground where he is ready to fight you in every single step. He is paranoid that you are fighting against him and somehow trying to harm him. All your good intentions are turned around and interpreted as bad and you don’t know anymore how you should act to avoid the collision. If you are trying to be yourself, you crash. If you are trying to be somebody who could please him, you crash again. Do you see a vicious circle here? Most likely you became a victim of a manipulative man and you put all your efforts to please him that will never happen anyway.

He wants to have his independence

Having a partner who likes the exact same things as you would be naive: you are a unique person and it’s natural that you have slightly different preferences. However, the gap between your lifestyle and your hobbies seems to be as big as The Grand Canyon. You enjoy going out for dinner,  while he always wants to stay in and order a takeaway.

You prefer a healthier lifestyle and he can’t live without his burgers and fries. Your ideal weekend is going on a road trip, while all that he wants to do is close the curtains, sit in the dark and play video games. When you try to find some compromises, he says his independence is very important to him and suggests you go and do your own thing.

You find yourself spending most of the weekends alone, going out only with your girlfriends and traveling solo. All the time that you spend together is when he pops over to yours for dinner and a sleepover before disappearing again in his man cave. When you mention the importance of quality time together, he gets back at you with the importance of his private space.

Living together is not even in the cards. While having separate homes can have advantages, eventually, you will start questioning yourself where this Living Apart Together relationship is taking you. The lack of intimacy and shared experiences is not a solid foundation to build your future as a couple.

He is emotionally unstable

You find yourself in this never-ending emotional turmoil as his mood is constantly fluctuating. One day he might be nice and affectionate (and that’s when you start thinking maybe your relationship is not that bad all in all) and the next day he is unhappy about the whole world. It might not necessarily be related to you, but his pessimism and bitterness unavoidably rub on you.

He likes to be in the center of attention and he expects you to support him when he is feeling down. However, when you have a bad day, instead of empathizing with you he gets frustrated himself and starts pointing out to you your weaknesses. Instead of giving you a hug and trying to make you feel better, all that you hear are his sarcastic remarks “You are such a cry baby” or “Come on, get your sh*t together”.  That’s totally not what you want to hear.

The worst part is that his mood swings are totally unpredictable. Anything can throw him out of balance and cause his fury: a bus that came 5 minutes late, a restaurant that was closed when you arrived or coffee that was served too hot.

Sometimes he even blames you for his own life choices or the consequences of them such as gaining some weight. When you subtly hint at him that you always suggest ordering a salad instead of fries in the restaurant, it infuriates him beyond words and he concludes that you should stop going to the restaurants altogether.

He controls your life

Even though his life seems far from perfect, he feels he has a right to say what you should or shouldn’t do with yours. While he’s been watching Youtube at work all day every day and that is the reason why he hasn’t advanced in his career, he nags you that you are wasting your potential with your corporate job, meanwhile, you’ve been promoted to a senior position recently. He is opinionated and he has high standards for everything apart from those of his own life.

When you have some ideas about the activities to engage in, be it a new business opportunity or a hobby, he is always skeptical and does not support you. He sees the negative side of things and he doesn’t believe you can succeed. The doubt creeps into your head and you get discouraged of pursuing your dreams and ambitions.

You feel like a puppet in his hands and every time you try to resist him pulling your strings, he still finds a way to do it. He might even make you believe that you are not worthy without him and he defines the whole purpose of your life. He criticizes you for the choice of your food, clothes or friends as well as for your suggestions or opinions on certain things. Your confidence slowly vanishes until it totally disappears.

No wonder you long for the days when you felt strong and independent, but the false sense of security while being with him holds you back from making a decision to cut off the ties. Loneliness is what scares you the most and the current connection seems like the only tangible thing that you have.

Don’t let yourself be lulled into inaction. Take a step aside to reflect it all. Book a weekend getaway with your best friend. Make a list of things you always wanted to do that you sacrificed for the current relationship. Create a vision board of your dream life. Is this relationship – a part of it? If the answer is no, take a leap. You deserve only the best things in life and you can have them.

The post You Deserve Better: 5 Signs It’s Time To Dump Him appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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get over your ex

11 Signs You’ve Managed To Get Over Your Ex

get over your ex

 

Here is the issue with divorce, someone is always the one left behind. Rarely are both parties in agreement about pursuing a divorce. This leaves one spouse with the difficult task of getting over their ex-spouse who chose to leave the marriage.

Not being able to be with someone you love, someone you had planned a life with is hell. Oh, the pain! The good news is, the pain isn’t terminal, it doesn’t last forever. You will get over your ex. It may not happen as quickly as you want but, one day you’ll realize that you’ve put them and any feelings for them behind you and moved on.

Below are 11 Signs You’ve Managed To Get Over Your Ex:

1. You wake up with something or someone other than them on your mind. When pining away for lost love we tend to go to bed thinking about them and wake the next morning with the same thoughts. If you are managing to lay your head on the pillow at night and wake in the morning without him/her infringing on your headspace, you’re over it.

2. They text or call and you don’t feel the need to respond or answer immediately. There was a time you would have left work in the middle of the day if it meant being able to communicate with them in some way. Now, when there is a text or call you shrug your shoulder and say, “I’ll respond when I get the time. You’re over it.

3. The things you used to find endearing about them now make you cringe. The way she used to dribble toothpaste down her chin when brushing her teeth. It’s now an Ick, not so cute after all. The way he used to come in from doing yard work, all sweaty and hot and want a kiss? The thought no longer causes butterflies in your stomach but causes your stomach to churn. You’re over it.

4. You are dating someone and you don’t compare them to your ex. In fact, you know there is no comparison because your ex just doesn’t stack up against the new love interest. You’re over it.

5. You can’t remember their phone number, social security number or any other vital statistic concerning them. When you have to look up their number to call them to discuss issues about the children, you’re over it.

6. You hear they are dating again and it ain’t no big deal. You have no desire to know who they are dating. You have no desire to warn that person about what a nimrod your ex is. You could care less because you’re over it.

7. Sex with your ex? No way! You used to wish for “one more night” now the thought of it makes your skin crawl. You have no desire for more time between the sheets with him/her because you’re over it.

8. If you were cheated on, you no longer feel rage when thinking about or seeing the other woman/man. In fact, you feel lucky and more than appreciative that you no longer play that role in his/her life. You were done a favor and you know it because you’re over it.

9. Memories of your time together no longer make you sad. You can think back over the good times and feel blessed to have had that experience because you’re over it.

10. You are able to smile, say hello and wish him/her a good day when you see them at your children’s activities or during drop-off and pick-up for visitation. You don’t feel sad when your children are with him/her. You don’t spend weekends wondering what your “family” is doing without you there. You are out having fun and enjoying your free time because you’re over it.

11. Best of all, when they text or call wanting to get back together you can’t imagine how that would ever be possible. You have a new life, new plans for your future and they just wouldn’t fit in because you’re over it.

The post 11 Signs You’ve Managed To Get Over Your Ex appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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Spouse Is Suffering a Midlife Crisis

7 Signs Your Spouse Is Suffering a Midlife Crisis

Spouse Is Suffering a Midlife Crisis

 

Midlife crisis is an emotionally uncomfortable period that some men and women go through between the age of 35 and 65. For most, it is a time of question priorities and adjusting their lifestyle to fit better with their emotional needs.

For others, midlife can bring about a true “crisis,” one that causes them to stray outside the marriage for the affections and attention of a member of the opposite sex. They can question every choice they’ve made during the first half of their life. It is these folks who usually destroy their families and seem to completely change their character and belief system.

Signs Your Spouse Is Suffering a Midlife Crisis

Feeling a Need for Adventure and Change

He goes out and buys a new sports car or Harley. She becomes a bar-fly who comes in at 3:00 am every morning. It’s all about having fun and re-capturing their youth. If your spouse is neglecting things that were once important to him/her in favor of skydiving…something they have never expressed an interest in, they are probably experiencing a midlife crisis.

You have choices in such a situation. Skydiving and hanging out in biker bars is better than sitting home alone wondering what your spouse is up to. Participating a bit in their new found need for adventure can bring you closer together instead of creating the distance that can cause the midlife crisis spouse to start questioning whether or not to stay in the marriage.

Feelings of Depression

Some who go through a midlife crisis will experience depression that affects their mood and to the point that activities and relationships are negatively affected. Friends, family, and work may all be neglected. If you think your spouse is suffering from depression watch for the following symptoms:

  • Sadness, hopelessness, helplessness, pessimism
  • Loss of interest in once enjoyable activities
  • Lack of energy
  • Inability to focus or make decisions
  • Unusual sleep patterns
  • Unusual appetite, weight loss or gain

A Loss of Interest in Things That Used to be Important

I received a letter from Jason who was concerned about changes he was seeing in his wife. After 23 years in a career as a nurse, she quit her job. According to Jason, she wanted to go back to school full-time and major in philosophy. His wife had gone for a “straight-laced   Christian” to a woman who questioned whether or not there was a God.

Jason said he no longer knew the woman he had been married to for 18 years and was concerned she might be going through a midlife crisis. One thing is sure, she is questioning her values and beliefs and no one knows where these questions will lead her.

Anger and Blame of The Spouse

You are the problem! If it weren’t for you, life would be grand for the midlife crisis spouse. If he trips on a banana peel at work, you will get blamed. The spouse who is in a midlife crisis never looks internally and examines why he/she is feeling discontent.

They look outward and blame others and since you are the main relationship in their life it makes sense that you will bare most of the blame for their bad feelings. Expect your spouse to be short tempered and angry. Do not respond when your buttons are pushed. A response is what they want and you don’t want to play into their need for conflict.

Unable to Make Decisions About Their Future

Joan’s husband found a new woman and wanted a divorce. He refused to file for divorce, though. He left Joan telling her that he had never been in love with her, that marrying her had been a mistake. Joan was devastated!

Over a period of eighteen months, Joan’s husband changed his mind about his feelings for Joan on a regular basis. He would pack his bags and leave out the door spewing verbal abuse. A month later he would call in tears wanting to come home. Before long he was out the door again and moving back in with the other woman.

Joan eventually filed for a divorce and helped him make the decision he seemed unable to make. They are both now living with the painful consequences of his indecision.

Doubt Over The Choice to Marry

You may have just celebrated your 29th anniversary. You may have lived with a spouse who, from all outward appearances, seemed to have been happy in the marriage. It isn’t uncommon for a husband or wife who has never complained about being married to suddenly tell you that they have “lived in hell” from the very beginning.

The spouse in midlife crisis will question whether the marriage was ever legitimate. They will demonize you, accuse you of forcing them into marriage all in an attempt to make the marriage illegitimate. You will be painted as the evil spouse who never met their emotional or physical needs so the midlife crisis spouse can justify their feelings of discomfort with the marriage. If this is the case in your situation you should believe nothing you are told and very little of what you see.

A Desire For a New and More Passionate Intimate Relationship

The husband/wife who is going through a midlife crisis may become tired of the “same old, same old” in the bedroom. It isn’t uncommon for someone married to a spouse who is going through a midlife crisis to suffer the negative consequences of their infidelity.

If your spouse is spending more time in chat lines on the computer, working strange hours or on his/her cell phone more than usual you are seeing signs of a cheating spouse. These are only signs but coupled with the other symptoms of midlife crisis you should consider the possibility that your spouse has found someone to fulfill the need for a more passionate, intimate relationship.

The post 7 Signs Your Spouse Is Suffering a Midlife Crisis appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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