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20 Signs Your Ex Is Narcissistic

20 Signs Your Ex Is Narcissistic

You leave and you’ll never see the kids again

Narcissistic mother

Things started so well.  They seemed perfect and, even better, they made you feel perfect too.  They lavished praise and attention on you.  It felt wonderful.  It was everything you ever dreamed of.

Then they stopped being so affectionate.  They started talking about someone new at work.  Everything they once said they loved most about you suddenly seemed to irritate the crap out of them.

What changed?

They tell you it was you but you aren’t sure.  Nevertheless you try everything to win back their acceptance.

But it’s not enough and although you do anything and everything, nothing works.

It’s all your fault

Or is it?

 

Individuals with narcissistic personalities tend to be grandiose, entitled, and self-centered.  They are often impulsive and anxious, have ideas of grandiosity and “specialness“, become quickly dissatisfied with others and maintain superficial, exploitative interpersonal relationships.

It’s why they find it so easy to  move on to the next “supply” and so easily discard you.

They react to criticism with feels of rage, stress or humiliation (even though they will never express that).  They take advantage of others to achieve their own ends.  

Other personality disorder processes are high levels of over-dramatic emotional displays (silent treatment or rage), paranoia (jealousy and suspiciousness), antisocial behaviours (aggression, domestic abuse and verbal abuse) or obsessive compulsive behaviours (rigid moralistic rules).  These are often evident throughout the relationship, although not at the start as they usually have another person who is able to be their “regulatory other” (the person who regulates their emotions). 


Overt narcissist (sometimes called grandiose narcissist)

Overt narcissists are characterised by grandiosity, attention-seeking, entitlement, arrogance and little observable anxiety. They can be socially charming, despite being oblivious to the needs of others, and are interpersonally exploitative.  They engage in superficial relationships and seek out external feedback that supports their grandiose sense of self and protects them from their fragile self image

Covert narcissist (sometimes called vulnerable narcissist)

Coverst narcissists present as vulnerable, fragile and thin-skinned.  They are characterised as inhibited, distressed and hypersensitive to evaluations of theirs, while chronically envious and evaluation themselves in relation to others. Interpersonally they tend to be shy, outwardly self-effacing (modest) and hypersensitive to criticism, but are covertly grandiose and jealous.

Malignant narcissist

They are characterised by the typical symptoms of Narcissistic Personality Disorder as well as prominent antisocial behaviour, paranoid features and sadism towards others.  they engage in chronic lying, intimidation and financial or interpersonal secondary gains which maintain their malignant pattern.

10 Signs Your Ex Wife/Girlfriend Is Narcissistic

I watched Gone Girl for the first time a few months ago and I thought Amy (pictured above, credit: thefincheranalyst.com) was one of the best depictions of a female covert narcissistic I have seen.  She played the part of victim so well at the start to lure in her husband (Amy’s mother was a overt narcissist) and then later in the film to restore her delusion as “loyal wife”.  Apologies if I have given too many spoilers away there, trust me that there is so much more to the film.

The female narcissists I have dealt with personally and professionally were covert and loved to act like the perfect partner and parent.  They go to extreme lengths outside the family home to project this image of perfection.  Obviously within the relationship things are very different.

Here are ten signs of a female narcissistic ex:

Continuous sense that she is disappointed

Take sides against you by default, assume the worst, distrust

Fantasies, several would involve another partner, not subtle

Your were paying for others mistakes against her

No true connection, emotionally distant, and callous

Ruined your special occasions by refusing to acknowledge them but wanted excessive displays of devotion on theirs

She prevented you from making friends, venting frustrations, or seeking support

Double standards in everything (they expect praise but gave you nothing but criticism, even if you did the same/similar thing)

You were made to feel guilty for wanting to be intimate

She regularly threatened to leave, threatening to pursue support in Family Court in order to destroy you financially (and may have followed through on this)

If you have children with a female narcissist, I recommend reading our blog 13 Strategies for Dealing With A Female Narcissist 

10 Signs Your Ex Husband/Boyfriend Is Narcissistic

I hate to admit this but I loved the first season of You.  Joe was a terrifyingly good narcissist.  So good that I think he lovebombed half the female audience! He displayed anti-social behaviour (malignant), vulnerability (covert) and was incredibly socially charming (overt). He was a full-house.

The male narcissists I have dealt with have also displayed all of the criteria.  I have had men ring me telling me that their ex is stopping them from seeing their children only to make false allegations against me online 24 hours later because HE didn’t answer the call HE arranged. I have spoken to men who have overtly spoken of their own grandiose sense of self by stating how they were capable of doing x,y and z even though they emailed me for advice. I have also had conversations with someone who claimed they were alienated only to later discover that they were in fact a registered sex offender.

Here are ten signs your ex was narcissistic:

Infidelity is common but they will also engage in sexual fantasies and try to get you involved

He wanted to control your appearance appearance

His and your emotional needs were not attended to

Triangulated the children into arguments and expects the children to take his side

Was only interested in doing things he wanted to do

He was extremely jealously of other men

He was envious of any of your successes (including your relationship with the children)

He never listened, but expected a lot of attention and perfect memory

Downplayed the contribution of raising children or taking care of the household

Sees you as his only being there to meet his needs

If you have children with a narcissistic ex I recommend reading out blog The Realities of Co-Parenting with a Narcissist

Narcissists dispaly a pattern of self-centeredness and grandiosity.  They have an exaggerated sense of their own abilities and achievements, require constant attention, affirmation and praise and believe they are unique and special and should only associate with others who are equally unique and special (you).  These are all brilliant reasons they are your ex.

As stated, if you have children with a narcissist do check out our resources on parental alienation and divorcing the narcissist.  Forewarned is forearmed.

The post 20 Signs Your Ex Is Narcissistic appeared first on The Nurturing Coach.

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The 11 Telltale Signs Of A Narcissist Quiz (Updated 2020 NPD Test)

The 11 Telltale Signs Of A Narcissist Quiz (Updated 2020 NPD Test)

 

There are many telltale signs that someone is a narcissist but 11 of them really stand out.

You need to know them and understand what they mean and how they impact your life.

These 11 signs are serious and are the basis of a quiz I have put together for you so you know the severity of narcissism you are dealing with.

Because this is the stuff that all narcissists do!

And … so that you can get to the bottom of all of this to understand if what you’re dealing with is mild, moderate or really, really extreme abuse, you can take a quick quiz to get your answer!

The quiz only takes a couple of minutes and is going to bring you so much clarity!

Can’t wait to share all this crucial information with you in today’s episode.

 

 

Video Transcript

I’m so excited about today because it’s taken me quite some time to work out exactly what I’m going to be sharing with you.

Namely, in my opinion, the top 11 telltale signs of a narcissist, and what they are and what they mean.

Not just from the narcissist’s perspective, but also the impact that this has caused in your life.

Then, at the end of this episode, I’m going to connect you up with a very simple two-minute quiz, that will allow you to know with full clarity what level of narcissist you have been with, or are still dealing with.

Okay, so let’s dive in and check out the 11 signs that I believe conclusively identify narcissistic behaviour, starting with the first.

 

Number One: Refuses to be Responsible and Remorseful for Actions

This one is incredibly common with people who have Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD).

How this manifests is as a refusal to be accountable. The narcissist will use all sorts of deflections and diversions to dodge taking responsibility for their behaviour.

And, because this person is not accountable, responsible or genuinely remorseful about how they hurt other people or the fact that they are committing pathological, manipulative and even criminal acts, they do not learn from their mistakes.

A narcissist simply does not grow up and become responsible. The same problems, the same behaviours and the same catastrophic effects continue to happen to them and other people in their lives.

If you’re with somebody like this, you will be tearing your hair out trying to get them to realise what they have done and apologise and make amends for it.

And you’ll be blown away regarding how this person continues to re-offend.

Any apology comes as a false apology. It comes way too late, and it may be used when nothing else will work to try to keep you hooked as narcissistic supply.

And when an apology does come, it will usually come with invalidating statements like, “I said I’m sorry! What more do you want?”

Which seriously is not an apology at all.

 

Number Two: Takes Offence to Real or Perceived Criticism

Narcissists “pop open” on a hair-line trigger.

They get bent out of shape by things that normal, emotionally mature adults just don’t get upset about.

Of course, everybody can have a bad day, when under stress. But narcissists consistently get moody, sullen and aggressive.

When a narcissist perceives that you said the wrong thing, they take umbrage, dish out tit-for-tat comments or punish you with the silent treatment. Or they exit the scene altogether as a way of abandoning you.

Or, the narcissist lines you up with a cruel ferocity that leaves you reeling.

All because you said something that their unreasonable, insecure False Self didn’t want to hear.

Maybe, you spoke up for your highly compromised violated needs or values.

Which of course, is not what the narcissist is in a relationship for. It’s fully all about them, and when you are not serving the monstrous ego adequately this is when you will see a narcissist unravel into childish and extreme behaviours.

 

Number Three: Is Critical, Hard to Please and Verbally Abusive

With a narcissist you are damned if you do and you are damned if you don’t.

You may try to twist yourself into the shape of a pretzel to appease this person, keep them happy or at the very least stop them from abusing you.

But it just isn’t possible.

The truth is the narcissist is such an inner seething pit of insecurity, pain and malfunction that he or she will lash out at close intimates.

The narcissist, trapped in such unconsciousness, believes you are the cause of their emotional disruptions.

Nothing could be further from the truth, yet the narcissist refuses to see it any other way.

Of course, being on the receiving end of such inhumane, devastating and maliciously cruel treatment will cause you to break down under such senseless and unrelenting abuse.

 

Number Four: Shows Disdain for Regulations and Makes Up Own Rules

Narcissists believe that they are a law unto themselves.

They hate being pinned down, and answerable to anybody.

The narcissist believes that if he or she were to fall in line, that this would reduce them to being “the same as everybody else”, which their False Self finds incomprehensible.

How can a False Self retain its fictitious engineered construction of vast superiority, if having to do what one is told?

Narcissists regularly flaunt their own way of doing things. They break the rules. They tell people what they want to hear and then do the exact opposite.

They even engage in criminal activities that fulfil the agendas of garnishing the energy, acclaim and things that the narcissist relentlessly chases.

 

Number Five: Is Charming and Loving then Devaluing and Discarding

A narcissist can switch from adoring you, to abhorring you on a dime.

This leaves you reeling.

One minute you think how loved up this person is with you, and then this person hates you and tells you why they don’t want to be with you anymore.

Or, if it’s a non-intimate partner narcissist, somebody else in your life, you may have felt like you’ve just had a breakthrough and got some kind of acceptance and understanding with this person, and then they turn on you mercilessly again.

It’s not normal, and it is one of the most devastating things to go through, thinking finally you have some safety and sensibility with this individual, and then they pull the rug out from underneath you harder than ever.

When the narcissist is full of supply they can be the most delightful, loving creatures you could ever imagine. However, any high of temporary “fullness and happiness” is short-lived.

As soon as the narcissist starts plummeting into being low on narcissistic supply, then the demons erupt. This is when the narcissist will lash out at close intimates who are easy targets if they’re already hooked.

To try to escape their own self-annihilating feelings, narcissists project out onto you lots of insane accusations and assumptions, including what they are doing themselves.

 

Number Six: Engages in Pathological Lying and Cheating

Narcissists lie. It’s just what a False Self does.

The narcissist knows, conceptually, that other people think lying is unacceptable, yet the narcissist believes that lying is fair game to secure the agenda that is needed to get narcissistic supply.

This means that a narcissist will tell anybody exactly what they want to hear, to be able to snare them as an energy source and fulfil their own agenda. It also means that the narcissist will withhold, twist and turn facts and divert blame to avoid the narcissistic injury of being held accountable for wrongdoing.

In the devaluing stage, when the narcissist projects their wounds onto somebody, they can come up with the most outrageous lies about that person in order to discredit them and to try to destroy their life.

In the final discard stage, this is incredibly apparent.

Narcissists are equally capable of adultery and sexual promiscuity, without any remorse at all. It’s a very rare person who hasn’t discovered the pathological lying and cheating that a narcissist has done.

Naturally, this is incredibly shocking, especially when a narcissist will look you straight in the eye and tell you that they have never done these things.

It’s a huge shock to discover that they certainly do.

 

Number Seven: Uses Defence Mechanisms When Confronted

Narcissists twist, turn, abuse, confuse, blame and attack when confronted about wrongdoings.

There are in fact around twenty defence mechanisms that narcissists use, and they all make you feel like your head is going to spin off your shoulders and explode.

It’s beyond mental!

If you are arguing with somebody who refuses to stay on topic, completely invalidates your feelings, uses tit-for-tat retaliations, and brings in allies real or imagined to back up their arguments, and twists and turns facts in ways that are nonsensical and completely delusional, this is a sure sign that you’re dealing with a narcissist.

You truly would get more sense from an angry five-year-old.

 

Number Eight: Engages in Smearing and Discrediting You

Narcissists like to learn about the deep mechanics of other people. Things such as their past, their secrets and what makes them tick.

If there are any vulnerabilities or cracks, the narcissist holds onto these like aces in a poker game.

Once you’re in the devalue and discard stages, a narcissist will use personal information against you to get narcissistic supply and attention from other people, to discredit you and even to try to destroy you.

This is all about fulfilling the narcissist’s agenda, of outing you so that the narcissist can take over your position, or dismantling and destroying you when the narcissist has decided that you are no longer appropriate in his or her life.

Absolutely outrageous lies can be used, as well as stretching the truth and only giving one side of a story.

Anything that you have said or done in retaliation can and will be used against you, making you out to be the crazy and unstable one.

 

Number Nine: Glorifies Achievements and Self

Narcissists talk about the Glory Days, meaning any of their past notable achievements, real or fabricated. It’s the same stories over and over and over about how wonderful, incredible or special they are.

The narcissist hangs onto this as a shiny penny, designed to self-medicate when low on narcissistic supply or to suck energy from others.

Narcissists also take over conversations. They are terrible listeners, are not interested in your life at all and can’t wait to butt in and switch the conversation back to themselves.

The narcissist knows more, has done it better, and is a greater authority than anybody else.

He or she is not interested in you (apart from in the love-bombing phase where attentiveness makes you bond with them) and is only interested in sucking energy from you, while they talk all about themselves.

A narcissist starts feeling low on narcissistic supply if anyone else is getting the energy and the attention. If the conversation is not about the narcissist, they will have to steer it back to them, disrupt everyone, or leave the room.

 

Number 10: Is Unable To Express Genuine Compassion and Empathy

A narcissist can pretend to be compassionate and empathetic when trying to secure an agenda.

However, you will discover that this person simply does not have the resources to be genuinely compassionate and empathetic.

A narcissist will regularly step on people’s toes, without having the filter to even realise that they’ve done so, and then are totally void of any compassion or empathy afterwards.

People are objects to a narcissist; they are not real individuals. As far as the narcissist is concerned people are there to serve her or him and are not valid in any other way.

A narcissist may dissolve into a show of incredible compassion and empathy when you’re walking out the door, you’ve had enough, and the narcissist is terrified about losing you as narcissistic supply. But if you succumb and fall back into the narcissist’s arms, things before long will be back to normal. In fact, even worse than ever.

 

Number 11: Is Capable of Atrocious Behaviour that Damages People and Their Resources

Speaking of having to lash out and hurt you, narcissists do this all the time. Either purposefully or inadvertently.

It’s purposeful when the narcissist has decided that you have not appeased the False Self adequately.

How dare you not grovel, succumb, or jump over higher and higher hoops to serve his or her Majesty. If you try to do things your own way, then the narcissist will take massive umbrage.

As far as the narcissist is concerned you need to pay for this with a level of maliciousness that certainly doesn’t match the supposed crime.

The narcissist’s punishment is inadvertent when the narcissist is simply going about the business of being a narcissist, which means nobody else figures in the equation. If there are a few corpses thrown into gutters along the way, so be it.

This means taking what is yours and using it to feed themselves. Everything is up for grabs, including your sanity, body, health, Life Force, time (months, years, decades), resources, money and contacts.

 

These 11 Signs Are Serious

I know that if you are dealing with a narcissist in your life, as you watch this episode, you will relate to so much of it. Because this is the stuff that all narcissists do!

These understandings quite possibly go much further than the usual criteria that the general public may know about, or even the psychological community talks about.

I believe it is crucial that you understand what you have really been going through.

Okay, so now the exciting part is you can get to the bottom of all of this, the really true answers regarding the level of narcissism that you are dealing with. Is it mild, is it moderate or is it really, really extreme?

As a result of taking this quick quiz, you will get your answer!

So all you need to do is go to this link and fill the quiz out, it’s really simple.

Then, after you complete this quiz, you will also receive my seven-day Narcissist Freedom Guide, which will come each day straight to your email.

This guide is cutting-edge information, tailored specifically for your situation, regarding whether you are dealing with an intimate partner, a family member or another type of narcissist, as well as the level of narcissism that you are dealing with.

It is some of my best information, condensed down into a powerful seven-day series.

This, including the quiz results, is all completely free and carries no obligation whatsoever. Please know that you can unsubscribe at any time.

I hope that you enjoyed this episode and that it has enlightened you a lot.

Okay so go to the quiz, it will only take you a couple of minutes. It’s going to give you much-needed clarity.

And, as always, I look forward to answering your comments and questions below.

 

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Women, Divorce, and Depression: Are You Ignoring The Signs?

Women, Divorce, and Depression: Are You Ignoring The Signs?

Depressed Woman2.jpg

   

We all rush to the doctor when we come down with a physical ailment. For some reason, though we make excuses or ignore signs that point to something being off-kilter mentally.

The stigma attached to “mental illness,” results in unneeded suffering. We can admit when we have a physical illness but share the fact we are suffering from depression? No way!

Women, Divorce, and Depression

Below are a few facts about depression:

Depression is a serious medical illness; it’s not something that you make up in your head. It’s more than just feeling “down in the dumps” or “blue” for a few days. The symptoms of depression are much more severe and debilitating.

Depression is characterized by feeling “down” and “low” and “hopeless” for weeks at a time. Many factors can contribute to the onset of depression, including the presence of other physical disorders, stress, poor nutrition, physical illness, personal loss, and divorce.

Depression isn’t always easy to detect, and people with depressive conditions do not all experience the same symptoms. It may be expressed through lack of appetite or overeating; insomnia or an unnatural desire to sleep; the abuse of drugs and alcohol; sexual promiscuity; or hostile, aggressive, or risk-taking behavior.

Signs and Symptoms of Depression:

• Persistent sad, anxious or “empty” feelings.
• Feelings of hopelessness and/or pessimism.
• Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, and/or helplessness.
• Irritability, restlessness.
• Loss of interest in activities or hobbies once pleasurable, including sex.
• Fatigue and decreased energy.
• Difficulty concentrating, remembering details and making decisions.
• Insomnia, early-morning wakefulness, or excessive sleeping.
• Overeating, or appetite loss.
• Thoughts of suicide, suicide attempts.
• Persistent aches or pains, headaches, cramps or digestive problems that do not ease even with treatment.

If you are in thinking about a divorce or have gone through a divorce you’ve suffered a personal loss. If that loss is causing persistent sadness or anxiety, if you are feeling hopelessness, fatigue or physical symptoms that are uncommon there is a possibility that you are suffering from depression.

Denying what may be going on or not seeking help due to shame keeps you stuck. Changing the way you view depression, letting go of denial and shame can mean changing your life.

I encourage any woman struggling with the symptoms above to talk to her doctor. It is about quality of life and we all deserve a good quality of life. And, seeking better health both physically and mentally is nothing to be ashamed of.

When I was 24 I began to have panic attacks. I was diagnosed with depression and started seeing a therapist and taking medication. Within a few months, I was no longer having panic attacks and the depression had lifted. I had whipped the ass out of the mental illness that was keeping me from living a full, rich life.

What I found hardest to recover from was the shame I felt over being diagnosed with depression. My family reacted to my diagnosis as if my character was somehow flawed. Their reaction caused me more pain than the depression I had suffered.

I felt less worthy in their eyes. As rational as I am I bought into their idea that mental illness was an indication that I had less value as a person. It took me a few months to work through and cure my depression. It took me far longer to overcome the shame I felt due to other’s opinions of my diagnosis.

I work with clients as a Divorce Consultant. I’m always surprised by the negative reactions when I tell a client I feel they need to talk to their doctor about the possibility of depression. Or they need to seek therapy with a professional who can help them work through their issues.

It has been 30 years since my diagnosis. There is more awareness about mental illness but, the stigma remains. People’s minds have not changed but, if you are suffering and feel you need help, it is only one mind that needs to change. Make that mind, your mind.

When it comes to depression ignorance is not bliss. Hell, there is no bliss at all. I urge you to seek help if you are suffering any of the symptoms above. There is no shame in being pro-active and doing whatever needs to be done so you can live life to the fullest.

The post Women, Divorce, and Depression: Are You Ignoring The Signs? appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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6 Warning Signs You Are Dating a Narcissist

6 Warning Signs You Are Dating a Narcissist

Narcissist Man.jpg

Could you be dating a narcissist and not even know it?

After starting to date again after divorce, I often found myself drawn toward highly successful professional men who are competitive in business and strongly determined to continue to build their own financial empire.  Their determined, confident attitudes and visible business successes appealed to my strong desires for security and stability.

A recent first date I went on was with this type of guy. My date with a dentist turned into a three-hour marathon of misery for me when he insisted that we sit in a back booth that he had reserved in advance with the hostess by visiting the restaurant the night before and then he told our server that he would leave an extra-generous tip if she served our meals at a very leisurely pace.

Right away he launched into a one-sided brag fest about how he got elected president of his college fraternity and why he easily scored highest in his graduating class on the dental board exam. He then dropped names of all the famous people he knows who live in our city and then went on to reveal the names of all the famous people his dad knows too.  By the time the pasta finally arrived, I wanted to collapse into my plate from sheer boredom and exhaustion.

After that mind-numbing experience, I ran to my car and swore off dating for several months.

Unfortunately, this was just one more very disillusioning date with a narcissistic man. I had already experienced many others.

Several times I dated a man exclusively for three to six months, expecting things to become more serious overtime, only to have them abruptly break things off with very little explanation or distance themselves with vague excuses about why they couldn’t continue to spend time with me.

After spending many frustrating weeks trying to figure out how to get each of these men I had dated exclusively to connect with me on an emotional level so that our relationship could continue to grow, I finally discovered that there was a big disconnect between the type of relationship I was expecting to unfold and what these narcissistic men were able to contribute in terms of intimacy, emotional connection, and respectful two-way communications.

I discovered that I was living on crumbs and pretending it was a whole nutritious meal.

Are you Dating a Narcissist? Here are 6 Warning Signs:

1. He is pre-occupied with how things around him appear and how he is perceived by others. He aggressively pursues financial success and is not content with what he already has acquired or achieved. He has a strong craving for admiration, praise and his home, car, clothes and high status are a direct measurement of how successful he appears to others.

2. He exploits or takes advantage of others to get what he wants. Narcissists are highly skilled at using others’ talents; taking advantage of their desire to avoid conflicts and their good-natured helpfulness as a means to an end to achieve their own goals.

3. He does not appreciate or even see your unique abilities and natural gifts. Highly self-absorbed, narcissists are so driven by how they can use others to benefit themselves that your own individual strengths, abilities and achievements are often ignored or dismissed as inconsequential.

4. He resents authority and despises correction or being told what to do. He is reluctant to accept any blame or criticism and strongly prefers to be in control of things and those around him at all times. Having his faults pointed out to him or even having to admit that he made a mistake can set him off into a fit of rage.

5. Petty arguments often erupt into power struggles. The narcissistic man thrives on being right so disputes are rarely resolved. Mediation and counseling rarely helps to improve communications with a narcissist because this type of person sees themselves as under attack and can’t stand for their actions to be subject to the opinions of others and held up to the light.

6. He disregards your healthy needs for attention and affection. Since narcissistic men often lack empathy and the self-examination necessary to create an intimate relationship, you’ll often find yourself running on empty. Attempts to get more affection from him often leads to him creating a secret life to run to and evading your questions about what is really happening or not happening in your relationship.

If you recognize these signs in a man that you are dating, it is helpful to remember that narcissists have very rigid expectations (especially for themselves) and so this type of man rarely changes his ways.

Understanding or experiencing intimacy and love within the context of a balanced and healthy relationship is not on the agenda of a narcissist.

Unfortunately, many times we keep trying to change a narcissistic man into who we’d like them to become or the reverse- trying to twist ourselves like pretzels into a perfect version of what he wants instead of cutting our losses. Recognizing the traits of a narcissistic man and realizing how deeply rooted they are is critical so that we can begin taking back control of our own life and start to move forward in a healthier direction.

The post 6 Warning Signs You Are Dating a Narcissist appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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settling for less than you deserve

5 Signs You’re Settling For Less Than You Deserve in Your Relationship

settling for less than you deserve

 

Are you in a romantic relationship or marriage that’s just not right but you’re not willing to risk ending it? Maybe you’ve convinced yourself that things will change or you’ve done something wrong to deserve less than optional treatment. Or your fear of being alone and feeling unlovable is unbearable.

Maybe he or she is gorgeous and treats you well but something is missing. Perhaps your family or friends have convinced you to hang in there or try harder.

You may even know intellectually that nobody should have to settle for less than they deserve but your emotions are conflicted.  This may leave you unwilling to take the chance of breaking things off because you fear you won’t meet someone else and will be alone for a long time.

Perhaps some of your friends have been single for a while and they complain about how hard it is to meet a nice man or woman. Underneath all of these rationalizations is a deep-seated fear of being alone.

Fear of Being Single:

New research conducted by Stephanie S. Spielman demonstrates that fear of being single is a meaningful predictor of settling for less in relationships.  In her groundbreaking study, Spielman discovered that the fear of being single predicts settling for less in romantic relationships. She found that fear of being single is a strong predictor of staying with a partner who is wrong for you.

Further, Spielman’s results showed that individuals who report being fearful of being alone will stay with unresponsive, less attractive partners rather than face that dreaded fate. Being fearful of being alone was also associated with being less selective of a potential partner at speed-dating events in her landmark study.

Let’s face it, nobody should have to settle for less than they deserve just for the sake of being part of a couple. But what is the source of your fear of being single? Although the answer varies from person to person, one factor that causes someone to settle is past experiences of romantic rejection and another is fear of prolonged singlehood.

Of all the difficult experiences that individuals face in life, being alone can be among the hardest. Growing up, you probably weren’t given good examples of how to be alone. It seems like everything you see in movies and TV and on the internet is about how to find the right partner, and make it work.

There’s nothing wrong with seeking love because it’s beautiful and can bring about some of the most treasured moments in our lives. But very few people know how to be alone and do it well. They aren’t happy to be alone. They fear it and seek love wherever they go. Too often the pleasure they find with falling in love is the sweet release of no longer being by themselves in the world.

Single women may be reluctant to acknowledge the challenges of being alone for fear of being seen as desperate or needy. According to author Sara Eckel, many of the stereotypes we have about single women are misleading. She writes, “The single life isn’t a prison sentence nor is it a cocktail party. It is simply a life – a life with responsibilities and rewards, good days and bad ones, successes, and failures.

In her article “Stop Telling Women They Are Fabulous,” she reminds us that we don’t really know how to discuss single women in our culture because in times past they were seen as lonely spinsters, quietly languishing in their studio apartments.

Too often I hear women (and some men) who are coupled up rationalize why they are still in a relationship when maybe they shouldn’t be. They say things like, “I know my relationship isn’t perfect, but at least . . . he doesn’t yell at me.” Or “he really is a good dad.” Or “he will always be faithful to me.” When I hear things like that I am reminded that breaking up with someone is an act of courage. To be honest with someone about why the relationship isn’t working is an act of love.

When you can accept that your relationship doesn’t make you the best person you can be, and you correct course by breaking up, you become immeasurably stronger.

Whatever the reason, if you assess that you are staying in a relationship that’s all wrong for you, it’s important to take a few steps to determine if you need to end it. This can take time and a commitment to loving and respecting yourself. However simplistic this may seem, self-love and self-respect are the basis of loving another person.

Here are 5 signs that you are settling for less than you deserve in your relationship:

  • The relationship brings you down and your significant other doesn’t inspire you to do your best. Perhaps he/she is overly critical or too focused on his/her needs to be supportive of you.
  • You feel you have to change yourself – your values, goals, or dreams for your partner to accept you.
  • You are in an emotionally or physically abusive relationship. You may have hidden this from family or friends due to shame or codependency issues – putting your partner’s needs before your own.
  • You’ve been cheated on repeatedly and keep giving him or her more chances in spite of the fact that he or she has proven to be untrustworthy.
  • You sacrifice too much. Since your partner is unable to compromise – you morph into someone else to accommodate his or her expectations, needs, or desires.

In closing, you may not be able to determine what’s wrong or missing in your intimate relationship at this moment. It could take time and perhaps the help of a skilled therapist or relationship coach to figure things out. In the meantime, remind yourself that you are worth the effort and deserve to be loved.

Often, the courage needed to end a relationship that is no longer meeting one or both partners’ needs shows the greatest strength. However, if you decide to stay in your relationship because you feel it’s worth trying to save, consider couples counseling if your partner is willing and motivated – before you walk away.

Let’s end with this quote from Sara Eckel: “Mostly, you gain strength when you learn to listen to your own voice and live life on your own terms.”

More from Terry:

Follow Terry Gaspard on Twitter, Facebook, and movingpastdivorce.com

The post 5 Signs You’re Settling For Less Than You Deserve in Your Relationship appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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7 Signs Your Marriage is Over, According to Expert

7 Signs Your Marriage is Over, According to Expert

One of the signs your marriage is over is if you constantly find yourself thinking about leaving your partner. That and these other 6 are sings it may be time to divorce.

The post 7 Signs Your Marriage is Over, According to Expert appeared first on Divorce Magazine.

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aggressive parenting

Is Your Ex An “Aggressive Parent?” Here Are 9 Signs

aggressive parenting

 

According to Alan Kemp in his book Abuse in the Family, domestic violence is defined as “A form of maltreatment perpetrated by a person with whom the victim has or had a close personal relationship.” (Kemp, P.36)

Furthermore, the clinical and textbook definitions and categories of child psychological maltreatment found in Table 3-1 of Alan Kemp’s book, Abuse in the Family, on pages 72-77, can easily be applied to show it as a horrific form of domestic violence via psychological maltreatment.

This book is just one of many textbooks used to teach students and professionals about psychological maltreatment and the categories that make it up. Whether one believes in the term parental alienation or not, the following criteria help to show that certain behavior perpetrated by a parent can cause a child to withdraw their love from the other parent.  For the sake of this article, we will term this abuse as aggressive parenting.

9 Signs of Aggressive Parenting:

  • Rejecting (spurning)
  • Terrorizing
  • Corrupting
  • Denying essential stimulation, emotional responsiveness, or availability
  • Unreliable and inconsistent parenting
  • Mental health, medical, or educational neglect
  • Degrading/devaluing (spurning)
  • Isolating
  • Exploiting

An Explanation of the 9 Signs

By deliberately isolating the child from other family members and social supports, isolation is occurring.  The whole premise of aggressive parenting is to isolate and distance the children from the targeted parent or any other individual who supports the targeted parent.

If the aggressive parent uses threats or denigrating tactics, to force the child to comply, this can be seen as terrorizing.  As well, verbal denigration, harassment and exploitation of the targeted parent is very prominent and a key indicator of aggressive parenting.

In addition, domestic violence includes the exploitation and use of the child for personal gain.

Thus in aggressive parenting, when the child is used to destroy the targeted parent by denying visitation or a relationship between the other parent and the child or is used for monetary gains such as excessive expenses beyond child support, they are in effect committing domestic violence.  It is for these reasons that aggressive parenting or isolating the children from the Targeted Parent can be considered as a form of domestic violence.

Rejecting/Terrorizing

Let’s take this a bit further in its application. When a parent rejects a child because the child shows any love or affection for the targeted parent that is a form of abuse. This is not only a form of rejection but terrorization. In fact, a child’s refusal to come to the targeted parent’s home for fear of losing the aggressive parent’s conditional love is fear and fear is terror.

Corrupting

When an aggressive parent refuses to comply with court orders and tells the child they do not have to either, this is corrupting. It is teaching the child that they are above the law and therefore immune to the court’s authority.  When a parent files false allegations of abuse and convinces the child to do the same, this is corruption.

When an aggressive parent tells the child lies about the targeted parent, and that anything having to do with the targeted parent is illegal, immoral and disgusting, this is corrupting.  In fact, this is a form of discrimination and prejudice, which corrupts the child’s minds.

Denying Essential Stimulation, Emotional Responsiveness, or Availability

By refusing to allow the children to have a relationship with the targeted parent, for no reason other than their own need to control the ex-spouse, the aggressive parent is denying them the basic elements of stimulation, emotions, and availability with the targeted parent. In fact, the targeted parent has little to no opportunity to defend themselves against false allegations.

Though they will have you believe that they or the children feared for their lives and that the targeted parent was abusive, this is usually unsubstantiated or proven by the courts to be a fabrication. With no basis for this denial, the aggressive parent refuses their child a warm and loving relationship with the targeted parent.

Unreliable and Inconsistent Parenting

Since the children have been denied a relationship with the targeted parent, they have also been denied a reliable and consistent parenting situation and the aggressive parent has proven that they cannot parent consistently and reliably in the supporting of a two-parent relationship with the children.

Mental, Medical and Educational Neglect

When an aggressive parent refuses to comply with numerous separate court orders for counseling, they are denying their children’s mental health. Thus mental neglect has occurred as defined in the DSM IV as Malingering.

Denigrating/Devaluing

If despite numerous court orders or requests and recommendations, the aggressive parent continues to insult, verbally abuse and denigrate the child’s targeted parent in front of the child, this behavior degrades and devalues someone the child once respected and loved and in most cases, secretly wants a relationship with.

This disdain and disrespect for the targeted parent in front of the child is another form of psychological maltreatment as it permanently affects their view of the targeted parent, which transfers to their view of themselves. This creates a distorted sense of reality, of themselves and their ability to trust and accurately judge others.

Isolation

When a parent deliberately sabotages a relationship with the targeted parent by refusing to allow visits, calls, or any form of healthy communication, with no evidence of abuse, this is called isolation. Furthermore, when a parent has initially allowed continuous contact with the children during the separation and divorce period, but reneges on this, refusing visitation, especially when they find out their ex-spouse has a new partner, this is isolation and abuse.

This is also called Remarriage as a Trigger for Parental Alienation Syndrome and can be further reviewed in an article by Dr. Richard Warshak, There is no doubt this is isolation and thus psychological abuse.

Exploitation

When a parent uses the children as pawns to get back at their ex spouse for not loving them anymore or to control them further, this is exploitation.  When an aggressive parent uses the children and makes false allegations of abuse, terrorizing the children to state they hate the targeted parent, this is exploitation.  When a parent uses the children for monetary gains such as child support, but yet does not allow the children a relationship with the targeted parent, this is exploitation.

In Conclusion

When you add all these signs up, it is easy to see how Aggressive Parenting, can be classified as child psychological maltreatment in a divorce situation.  When you put it all together, the DSM sums up the aggressive parent quite nicely under Cluster B Personality Disorder, Antisocial Personality Disorder.

The aggressive parent willfully and without regard to the child or the targeted parent’s welfare, or the innocent extended family’s welfare, continually violates their rights and disregards their needs for a relationship. The aggressive parent callously puts their own desires, wants and needs above those of everyone else including their own child.

This all adds up to one thing, Domestic Violence in the form of psychological maltreatment.  So why does Child Protective Services refuses to protect the children from this form of abuse when the signs and symptoms are so clearly evident?

The post Is Your Ex An “Aggressive Parent?” Here Are 9 Signs appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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need to get a life

8 Signs You Really Need To Get a Life

need to get a life

 

I work a lot, an awful lot. I’ve been working an awful lot for years. Recently I’ve noticed something. I no longer get invitations to go out with girlfriends. Heck, I no longer get invitations to hang with family. Why? Because they are all used to me using work as an excuse for not participating in anything other than work.

In other words, I need to get something other than a work-life. I need to get a real-life!

I think it’s common for us single moms to build our lives around our children and our need to keep from drowning financially. Being hypervigilant in taking care of our children and getting our bills paid can also be a good excuse for not having a life.

If you’ve been hurt, let down and disappointed by life, building a wall around yourself protects you from being hurt and disappointed again. Live like that long enough and you’ll find that safe cocoon you’ve wrapped yourself in will begin to cause you to feel just as much emotional pain as real life can at times.

If These 8 Signs Describe You, You Really Need to Get a Life

1. You spend your weekends binge-watching Netflix.

Netflix

The highlight of your weekend is binge watching Netflix and eating takeout. You tell yourself you’re easy to make happy but, the reality is Netflix on the weekend is all you have going on. Which isn’t a bad thing, if you’ve got someone to binge with.

 

2. Instagram depresses you.

Instagram

You constantly feel pangs of envy when looking at people’s Instagram feeds. Is everyone in the world having more fun than you are? Answer: No, they’re just better at faking it. You eventually follow nothing but puppies, kittens, and National Geographic so you aren’t constantly reminded that you can’t even fake a real life.

 

3. You haven’t been laid in months, maybe even years.

haven't been laid

You sleep in a bed with your laptop, your dog and a pile of books and magazines. Nothing says “I’m not getting laid as much as I’d like” than a bunch of crap taking the place of where a man’s body should be. “Um, this area is reserved for my celibacy. Please stay away. Thank you!”

 

4. You live vicariously through others.

live vicariously through others

You’re a spectator watching how other people spend their time. You’re constantly talking about what other people are doing or have planned because you’re doing nothing and planning nothing. You keep up with the “Joneses” but you have no motivation to join the “Joneses.” You’re in a crowd of busy people but, all alone.

 

5. You chat with more people online than in real life. 

Chatting Online

You belong to support groups, quilting groups, maybe even a book club but, they are all online. When you aren’t at work, the only people you talk to are via a $1,500 laptop that holds the contact info for your closest “friends.” The Internet allows you to say whatever you want to whoever you want. It’s your safety shield, your way to connect with others without ever really connecting. It isn’t real life, though, only a crutch because maybe real life scares you?

 

6. You’re always doing stuff for other people. 

doing for others

You won’t take a nice long bath, buy yourself a new outfit, go out drinking with the girls or for dinner with a close friend. And the reason is that your time is consumed by doing things for other people, maybe it’s your kids or maybe you’re just a good friend who others can rely on for favors. Whatever the reason, you spend most of your time putting other’s needs first which happens to be a great way of not having to admit you have needs of your own. While you’re busy helping others you may help yourself right out of a life of your own.

 

7. You’re afraid to try new things.

afraid to try new things

You’re already stuck in your ways and you’re a young woman. How is that possible? You go to the same deli and the same restaurant each week because you like the food there. You have the same daily routine of a run in the morning then work then chores then something else that’s boring.

Stop playing it safe. Life is way too boring if you stay inside the secure confines of your comfort zone. You might just give your life a bit more gusto by finding something you never knew you had a passion for if you start trying out a few new things. You only get one life, make sure you make the most of it that you can.

 

8. You’ve turned into a negative Nelly.

negative nelly

All you can seem to do if find something to complain about. What is she wearing that? Why does he talk so loud? You’re not a whole lot of fun to be around and, most of the time your mood is so sour you don’t feel like leaving the house.

The thing is if you had a life of your own you wouldn’t be complaining so much about other people. If you had a life you wouldn’t be staying at home with Netflix for company when your friends ask you to go out.

The post 8 Signs You Really Need To Get a Life appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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7 Signs Your Parent Is Narcissistic

7 Signs Your Parent Is Narcissistic

 

Many people in this community have been narcissistically abused as a child and my heart goes out to you if this has been your plight.

Today, I share with you the seven top signs I believe typify a narcissistic parent and how their behaviour can affect you as an adult.

The binds and trauma may still be present between you and your narcissistic parent – whether he or she is alive or not, and so it is my deepest wish that this video gives you answers, relief and a true solution to your pain.

 

 

Video Transcript

Maybe you do not realise that your parent was a narcissist because what you experienced as a child was your ‘normal.’

Or perhaps you do know.

Truly, it can be terribly devastating for those who did suffer a narcissistic parent, and my heart goes out to you if that is you.

In today’s TTV Episode I want to share with you the seven signs that I believe are indicators your parent is a narcissist – what these signs look like and how having a narcissistic parent may have affected you.

At the end of this episode, I also want to share with you hope … A knowing that even if abuse is all that you have ever known, you can heal from this.

Okay, before we get started, thank you everyone who has subscribed to my channel and for supporting the Thriver Mission. And if you haven’t yet subscribed, I want to remind you to please do. And if you like this video, please make sure you hit the like button.

Alright, let’s look at this…

 

Number 1 Invalidation

Sadly, a narcissistic parent is self-absorbed and only interested in their own thoughts and feeling. It is common for this parent to not listen to you, not care what you are feeling, and to either force their will upon you or ignore your appeals to them, regardless of what is going on for you.

Because of this, you grew up believing that your thoughts, feelings, and desires were unimportant and, if expressed, would only bring further invalidation and disappointment.

This means, as an adult, you will tend to fit in with others, submerge your own needs, and you won’t speak up to express either your own needs or your values.

Maybe you have found it extremely difficult to even know what your values and needs are.

 

Number 2 Instability

Narcissistic instability means that one minute your parent could be engulfing and fawning over you and the next they are triggered, angered and even verbally or physically violent – and certainly emotionally malicious.

As a child, you may not have known what this parent was going to be like on a day-to-day, or even minute-to-minute basis.

Because there was be no rhyme or reason to your parent’s behaviour, and therefore nothing you could have done to predict or negate the outburst, as a child you learnt that ‘love’ was unstable and even dangerous.

If this is what you experienced, it is likely that you have suffered the anxiety of not knowing how to be safe in life in your own body, and especially with people who are close to you.

This means you might try to read people’s energy to be safe, and try to please them and calm them down to survive.

It can also mean you run towards abusive people, trying to fix them to make them love you and look after you, rather than detaching yourself and getting away from them.

As a child, you had to do all you could to keep your parents around and to survive with them.

 

Number 3 Exploitation

Commonly, a narcissistic parent will use a capable or attractive child to further their own cause of gaining narcissistic supply.

Rather than wanting their children to succeed for the child’s sake, this parent makes it all about themselves – the fulfilment of their own ego, complete with the admiration and envy of others.

Often a child will be pushed into a direction, with high demands and pressure, that the child may not necessarily want to do or perform. This child is the golden child, who receives a ton of attention and energy, yet is being exploited for the narcissist’s own need to feel significant.

This child loses his or her personality, dreams and wishes, and becomes a mere extension of the narcissistic parent. And when he or she doesn’t perform that role, is punished or downgraded.

If this happened to you, you will have embedded within your Inner Being programs of conditional love. This means that you will be very hard on yourself. Also, you may find it very hard to relax and take time out, because you are always trying to get the job done and done right.

You may believe that people will only ever love you for what you can achieve, and not for who you are.

 

Number 4 Manipulation

Guilting is a very common weapon used by a narcissistic parent. This parent may remind you constantly of what they do for you and how ungrateful you are if you don’t abide by their demands.

The guilting can turn into abusive shaming, if this parent has set upon you as the scapegoat – meaning blaming you for the state that parent is in or the way the family is.

Maybe you were compared to a sibling, and insulted regarding how you didn’t measure up to him or her.

This will cause the adult you to be susceptible to being blamed for other’s problems, which they refuse to take responsibility for themselves. You may also find yourself taking the blame, feeling shameful and guilty, and trying to fix things that are not your fault.

 

Number 5 Neglect

The neglect of a narcissistic parent can come in many different shapes and forms. Common are the ignoring of the needs of their children – emotional, mental, physical and spiritual.

When it is all about the narcissistic parent, then others are unimportant. It’s narcissistic selfishness and self-absorption. A narcissist’s primary driver is narcissistic supply, which means getting attention and acclaim from others.

It is very common, whilst the parent is seeking supply through career, socialising, self-indulgence or pastimes, that the child will be left with the other parent or even, from a young age, on their own.

Also, many narcissists suffer from the secondary addiction (narcissistic supply being the first) of substance abuse. Addicts are unavailable parents. Narcissistic addicts are doubly so.

If this was your plight, then you learned from an early age that your life was up to you. You found it difficult to trust others and let them in. You may struggle to delegate, let people in or play team with others. You most likely hold the belief, ‘It’s always up to me. Others don’t support me.’

Or, you may crave attention and affection so much that you are highly susceptible to bonding with and trusting people far too quickly, rather than taking your time to get to know them.

 

Number 6 Superficiality

The narcissistic parent may have a completely different persona in public to within the home.

People think the narcissistic parent is lovely and has a beautiful nature; that they love and adore their family. Little do they know the truth of what goes on behind closed doors when ‘others’ are not around.

Image, pretences and having others envy and think that the narcissist has the ‘perfect’ life, is all part of a False Self constructing a False Life.

If you experienced this as a child, you may be hard on yourself regarding how you appear to others and believe that people will only accept you if you are ‘perfect’.

You will have gone through the devastation of being treated like an object, so as to present a perfect image, rather than as a blood, flesh and soul human being with feelings.

You may get into relationships with people who objectify you, and you may even do this to yourself (rather than connect to your own true feelings and needs).

 

Number 7 Control

If a child wants to express their individuality and seems to be breaking away from the family mould, then there are methods that a narcissistic parent may use to exert control.

One of them is demeaning the child’s worth, dreams and wishes, to stop him or her succeeding in breaking free. Another is to express jealousy and hostility with anything that the child wants to do away from the family. This can be directed at friends or this child’s love partner.

By keeping the child stuck and minimalised, the narcissist gets to boost his or her own insecure ego.

Another method of control can be to wrap the child up in duties and chores or a family business, or even family commitments, so that they can’t have a life of their own.

The guilting and demanding of service from a child can continue even when the narcissist is elderly, keeping the child bonded throughout their adult life.

If this has been your experience, it is likely that you feel obligated and tied to the burden of looking after others and don’t feel free enough to pursue your own dreams and goals. You may believe it is selfish to do so.

It is NOT true that You Can’t Heal!

If this video related to you, I so hope it has validated what you have been through.

I want you to know, with all of my heart, that it is NOT true that it will take decades (or a lifetime) of therapy to recover from the terrible traumas you suffered as a child.

Likewise, it is NOT true that it will take years and years for you to learn how to BE different in relationships, or for you to have healthy, reciprocal relationships of kindness, love and trust, where you can get your needs met (as well as keep healthily loving others)!

It is also NOT true that you are stuck with a narcissistic parent and the hooks that they have in you for the rest of your life.

If this has been your struggle, please come with me and let me show you how you can break free in the fastest, most guilt-free and direct way you could ever know possible.

I promise you it IS possible, and today I can help you start by clicking this link.

And if you want to see more of my videos, please subscribe so that you will be notified as soon as each new one is released. And if you liked this – click like. Also, please share with your communities so that we can help people awaken to these truths.

As always I am greatly looking forward to answering your comments and questions below.

 

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dating new guy

Dating a New Guy? 5 Signs It May Be Time To Abort Mission!

dating new guy

 

For a single mother, maneuvering through the world of dating can be a hazardous minefield.

When a woman is clear-minded about her wants and needs regarding a romantic partner, the mining process ensues. If you are seeking a long-term commitment, the following signs will help save you time and heartache.

As a single mother, an experienced dater, and an educated woman in the field of human science, I have identified the top red flags that require an immediate “Abort mission!”

Dating a New Guy? 5 Signs He Isn’t The Guy For You

1. A man who is unsure or not clear about his life preferences.  

As a woman seeking a long-term commitment and marriage, I have so much respect for the dude who openly admits to just wanting a casual hook up, this way I can immediately SWERVE!  The guy who “isn’t quite sure” what he is looking for in terms of a relationship or “still doesn’t know about the kid thing” is now completely and utterly unappealing to me. Here is sign #1.

When you know what you do want, you know what you don’t want. Say it with me, “Any man who does not know exactly what he wants in terms of his future romantic life is NO longer attractive to me and it is NOT my job to try and change his mind!”

Listen, mama, if you aren’t sure regarding your desires, by all means, jump in and have fun. The best of us were once there, too. No judgment! However, if you have precisely identified what you desire from life, love, and family and this potential suitor remains clueless, just respect his journey and wish him well. You deserve a man who knows. Keep it movin’, mama!

2. You cannot even briefly imagine the man as a future parent or role model for your children.

Hit. The. Brakes. You have reached sign #2. There is something to be said for a mama’s intuition. When your stomach gets tight over the idea of a man interacting with your children and you cannot even imagine said man stepping up to parent your kiddos, take a bow and bounce. The right connection should feel peaceful and secure. A man’s poor habits such as drinking and driving, ignoring his own physical health, or the absence of work-life balance are sufficient indications that send me running for the hills. Girl, grab my hand and come with, knees up!

3. He is critical and puts you down.

Can you say “Hello, ego?” Here’s the skinny; we are on our BEST behavior at the beginning of our dating endeavors. For the first few meetups, we generally worry about possible food stuck in between our chompers and we are cognizant about how we outwardly appear as we gradually reveal parts of our personalities and preferences. The man who demonstrates judgment, criticism, or disapproval of you or any part of your life this early on will only worsen this poor, controlling behavior over time.

If he name calls jokingly and you don’t like it, speak up. If this behavior continues, let me present sign #3. If he happens to see a photo of your family and begins commenting on someone’s current weight status, request that Uber ASAP. Call it quits and then give him the best view yet …that booty walking away! No comments necessary.

4. Your closest family and friends have not said one good thing about him.

We all have a selection of close family and friends whose opinions we value greatly. These people know our hearts, our desires, and preferences, therefore, they are also knowledgeable about what type of man would best fit into our life puzzle. When we first fall for someone, those pesky love hormones are raging in our bloodstream.

Even for the most intelligent women like us, it can be easy to miss those bright, red flags initially. Our tribe, however, is on point and clear-minded. They love us and only want the best for us and our children. After meeting your man, if the crowd falls completely silent, please acknowledge that as sign #4!

When you are big-time interested in a guy, do the faithful friend test. Plan a meetup and remain open to any and all feedback. My people always speak out on the positive traits of others when they see ‘em. When your crew has nada to say, step away and evaluate for yourself. If your folks haven’t outwardly identified one darn-good quality about this hot dog, graciously contemplate, “What could I be missing here? then remove your buns from his access and make him miss you!

5. He is not completely accepting of you, your past, flaws and all. 

If he begins making sly, sarcastic comments about the number of children you “should have had” or how you ought to have a more prestigious career and a bigger house with more bathrooms, this is sign number five! Our past stories, heartbreaks, and losses have beautifully created us to be exactly the women we are here and now. The right man for you will adore those battle wounds and war medals with appreciation and mother-lovin’ AWE for the way you love so hard today.

Any man who cannot accept and appreciate A) what you currently have (or don’t have) in the bank, B) what you are able to bring to table, and C) those cute, little humans that you are singlehandedly raising… well, he should not even be rewarded with a second glance. Just ask for the check and proceed to the EXIT sign.

Remember that every ending is a redirection or a light shining upon a new path, which will ultimately lead you closer towards your heart’s desire. One ultimate and final message: embrace your unfathomable worth, prioritize your own personal desires, have as much fun as you possibly can, and my absolute favorite phrase of advice from my heart to yours, “Keep Not Settling.”

The post Dating a New Guy? 5 Signs It May Be Time To Abort Mission! appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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