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New Year, New Way to Budget After Divorce: 5 Steps

New Year, New Way to Budget After Divorce: 5 Steps

There is an old adage that if you fail to plan, you plan to fail.  Creating a budget helps you take control of your financial wellness, get a better grasp of your money, and learn how to manage your money better. 

The post New Year, New Way to Budget After Divorce: 5 Steps appeared first on Divorce Magazine.

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7 Steps To Getting Healthy After Narcissistic Abuse

7 Steps To Getting Healthy After Narcissistic Abuse

 

Narcissistic abuse is one of the most devastating things you could ever go through.

However, this does not have to be a life sentence.

There are steps that you can take to rise up and out of abuse symptoms, and into your true and new healthy relationship with self, others and all of life.

Today, in this a very special Thriver TV episode, I have the absolute joy of sharing with you the seven steps that myself, and many other Thrivers in the community, have used to not just merely survive abuse, but to truly enter the life of our dreams.

 

 

Video Transcript

After being narcissistically abused there is a necessity to get healthy .…

Because you are probably going through the worst time in your life, you may feel like you’ve lost your life force, your well-being, your hope for the future, and possibly even your will to try to move forward and rebuild your life.

I know, 100% you may feel like your life is over, and you can’t even imagine what it would feel like to be healthy again.

I promise you that how you feel, and what your life looks like, isn’t going to be your reality for the rest of your life, if you work on these seven points that I’m going to be sharing with you today.

But, before I do, I’d just like to take a moment to thank all of you who have subscribed to my channel for supporting the Thriver mission, and if you haven’t yet done so please do, and also if you like this video please make sure to give it a thumbs up.

Okay so let’s start off by having a look at the first step to reclaiming your health after narcissistic abuse.

 

Step Number One – Start Self-Partnering

Self-partnering is vital. In fact, it’s crucial. And the reason that it is so foundational for Thriver recovery after narcissistic abuse is because it puts us back inside our body. Here we find and reverse all the unconscious reasons that led us to be narcissistically abused in the first place.

Initially, it is a very hard pill to swallow – understanding that we can be very susceptible to narcissistic abuse as a result of suffering a disconnection from ourselves. One that is extreme enough that unknowingly we are trying to seek the missing parts of ourselves, from outside of ourselves.

However, the truth does set us free. Because when we understand that there was a fracture within us, we can take our power back and heal it.

If we are not fully anchored in our body, being an inner emotional experience of knowing that we are lovable and worthy and as an adult capable of generating our own security and survival, then we are seeking these essential commodities from other people to try to feel whole on the inside.

Ironically, this lack of inner wholeness has nothing to do with how intelligent, capable or accomplished we are. These are emotional gaps within us, that often cause us to overcompensate and be even more practically high functioning than most people.

Narcissists know and sense these gaps within us. They know how to appear as the saviour of these parts of ourselves that we seek from the outside, whilst mining and sucking dry our capabilities and resources.

When we are not in our body, self-partnered, and integrated as a whole emotional source to ourselves, we dismiss our inner warning signs and we may even rationalise away the traumatic feelings of being abused. We are also likely to cling to the person who is the source of the abuse, trying to get them to change what they are doing so that we can feel safe and whole.

To rectify all of these patterns of being codependently abused by others requires self-partnering. It means rather than look to the outside to solve our problems, heal our wounds, and take away the pain, we realised that the work has to be done between us and ourselves, within ourselves.

When we turn within with the right intention toward our Inner Being, we are moving out of Wrong Town, and back home to ourselves.

I want you to repeat after me, ‘I am here for you. I will love and accept you – wounds and all. I am here to help you heal with everything I have, and I am never leaving you again.’

This is when we make the switch from living life ‘from the outside in’ to living life ‘from the inside out.’

It’s the only way to heal and Thrive.

 

Step Number Two – Engage Self-Devotion

It’s one thing to know that we have to turn inward and start becoming a source of self instead of trying to get others to give us ourselves … but it’s another to know how to start treating ourselves nicely.

I really want you to understand that you need to let go of trying to blame and shame and punish and criticise yourself into shape.

Can you see how, if you have been doing this – treating yourself with conditional love, and harsh expectations, why you have drawn into your life and tolerated someone who has been reflecting back how you have been treating and talking to yourself?

Self-devotion means this: ‘I am going to talk to myself lovingly the way that I would talk to a small child I adore.’

After narcissistic abuse you are healing, and you require your own tenderness and kindness. You need to be able to say to yourself every day, ‘I am proud of you, I love you and I’m here to support you all the way. You will get through this.’

And in times of triggers and fears, this is about learning how to be kind, supportive and present with yourself, and teach yourself how to breathe, while remaining in your body. The times when we make our most self-annihilating decisions are when we self-abandon.

Thriver self-devotion means not running away from these feelings anymore and making choices that only hurt you more – such as attempting to self-medicate with abusive people, terrible food choices, active addictions, mind-numbing distractions and all sorts of things that take you away from becoming your best lover, supporter and healer.

When we are doing these things to ourselves, we are not in control of our own lives, and we are highly susceptible to being controlled by people who hurt us.

Thriver self-devotion can also mean becoming extremely healthy with self-care, good nutrition, healthy exercise, regular sleep and maybe seeing a holistic practitioner who can help get your mineral and vitamin levels balanced and healthy again.

I want to share with you this vital fact – we will never tolerate a level of abuse that is beyond what we are capable of doing to ourselves. If we ignore the calls for help from our Inner Being, self-abuse ourselves with terrible choices, and continue to criticise and blame and shame ourselves, as well as feed ourselves with toxic food, then the identical treatment from the outside is what is familiar and what we will tolerate.

Treating ourselves with love, respect, devotion, and tenderness reverses all of that.

 

Step Number Three – Taking The Healing Time

A big mistake that many people make is trying to just get on with life.

I know that as a result of narcissistic abuse, you may have lost a great deal of ground, years, resources and the like. It’s very usual to try to just get up and get on with it again, and many people are shocked to find out that they just don’t have the capacity within themselves to achieve that.

This happened to me too. I had always been a doer, a high achiever who believed that my value and ability to be accepted depended on my accomplishments. After narcissistic abuse, I was forced for the first time ever in my life to place my soul and Inner Being as the number one priority. And I wasn’t going to survive until I did.

What I discovered, as a result of fully dedicating myself to healing and knowing that that was my greatest mission in life, was to repair my relationship with my Inner Being, in order to create true relationships with life and others.

This was the first time in my life that I understood how to get life right at the core base level where I needed to.

You will too, when you accept what I did – that it’s time to put your outer life on hold. It’s time to say ‘no’ to things and people outside of yourself and say ‘yes’ to you and your Inner Being. By doing so you will discover that you can self-partner and self-devote and start truly healing within your own being in order to change yourself.

Then the changes in your life will follow automatically.

I liken this to being a bird with broken wings, going into the bird hospital to spend the appropriate amount of time there, who then comes out and soars high in the breeze with the world literally at its feet.

This is exactly what you have to look forward to if you take this necessary hiatus and treasure your healing time. All of your real life does depend on it.

 

Step Number Four – Meet The Trauma In Your Body

We are so blessed in this space-time reality, right here right now, to be able to have the Quantum tools to bypass our logical brain, meet the trauma in our body, load it up, release it and replace it, so that we can literally shift out of who we were being, into the Being who can actualise the life, love and interpersonal relationships that work.

The old paradigm was about trying to manage the trauma in our body without ever living free of its effects, whilst trying to survive having the thoughts, feelings, people and situations that simply matched our already existing trauma.

Clearly, living trauma free is so much easier, cleaner and more powerful and so much more fulfilling.

This is where my NARP program comes in. You may have seen the incredible results that NARP regularly produces for the members of this community. The reason for these results is that these people, by releasing the trauma from their Inner Beings, opened up space to allow organic well-being that is naturally coded into all of us, namely life force itself, to enter.

Meaning that the old battle with trauma and its symptoms such as anxiety, depression, PTSD, fibromyalgia, agoraphobia, adrenal malfunction all simply melt away. Which means our natural life force fills the space where the trauma once was – joy, creativity, inspiration, and excitement for the future and complete closure from the past, regardless of the age of the person, how much they have suffered or what they have lost.

This is what you can look forward to if you are willing to meet, and do the work, on the trauma in your body.

 

Bonus Step Number Four – Say ‘No’ To Your Old Patterns

This is where you need to get very clear with yourself. You may have released the trauma, but now you need to have boundaries and clear definitions regarding what it means to start experiencing your new life, which may be a life that you have never been able to access before.

So, for example, if your patterns used to be having unavailable people in your life who treated you like you were invisible, then it’s vital that you start showing up with the key people in your life asking for what you need.

It is also going to be vital to do the work on releasing the fears and traumas of being invisible, and knowing that you deserve to have healthy, connected, more committed relationships in your life.

Then you will see who will meet you at the more evolved level of relationship that you are now taking a stand for directly, honestly and lovingly. And in many cases, those who do have the resources will step up and meet you at this higher level of relationship as a reflection of the higher relationship that you are now living between you and yourself.

And, if there are people in your present life who don’t have the resources for communion and connection and intimacy or existing people who refuse or don’t have the resources to meet you there, then you will let go and move on as a fully integrated individual with yourself to be the generative force of taking a stand for what your reality is now.

We can’t continue to participate in our old programs and patterns and believe that the universe will deliver us a different reality. It just doesn’t work like that. What you accept is what you will get, point-blank.

 

Step Number Five – Expand Yourself

Comfort zones are never comfortable. If we stay stuck in comfort zones, then we are not growing. Of course, we stay in a comfort zone because we have a fear of expansion. And there may be many traumas deep in your DNA, which are even survival programs, such as ‘if I try to expand to be fully myself, I may fail or I may be targeted, or even annihilated.’

You may think I am kidding, but I’m not. I can’t tell you the amount of people I have worked on with Quanta Freedom Healing (NARP) who have come up with these deep powerful programs which are stopping them from moving forward into the life that they really want to live.

The easy and powerful way to defeat these is to use Quantum tools to go inside and find these opposing limiting beliefs, load them up and release them and replace them. Then you will easily flow into your desires with confidence and without the powerful emotional resistance that has been holding you back.

As a Thriver, I love to expand. This is one of the most powerful ways I’ve challenged and grown myself by stretching into areas, trajectories, and experiences that I could never access in my previous reality because it was riddled with trauma.

I can’t tell you the joy it is to get free on an inner level so that you can fully shine, glow and expand on any level. Because this is where the juicy, incredible stuff in life really is.

 

Step Number Six – Connect To Your Purpose

One of the most beautiful things that we can ever do to live a healthy life is to connect to our true mission and purpose.

All of us are here for some divine purpose. I totally believe those of us who have gone through narcissistic abuse are here for an incredible purpose. We are all angels, spirits who have been submerged into an experience of extreme darkness and trauma, in order to release the trauma out of our Inner Beings, not just for ourselves but for all of humanity.

When we actualise our true mission of meeting and releasing the trauma, we clear the space for who we really are to start flowing through us, as us. It is then that the connection to our mission comes. It is seeking us as much as we are seeking it. When we get ourselves, our old traumas and limitations, out of the way, that is when we connect.

It is incredibly usual for Thrivers who do the work with NARP, to start getting the inspiration within them about what it is that they truly feel passionate about doing. Many Thrivers within this community, just like myself, have found that calling. It may be similar to what I do, helping others to awaken and recover from abuse for real, and for others, it’s a completely different track.

What is vital to understand is that connecting to that truth is not possible when we’re stuck in surviving the trauma inside of us. We may think that the mission will take away the trauma, but it’s the other way round. When we take full responsibility and address the trauma ourselves, then the mission comes.

Because when that trauma is released, all of the energy that was trapped trying to survive the trauma is freed up to become pure creativity, mission and service.

This is the exhilaration and pure miracle of yourself that you will start experiencing as a result of this step.

 

Step Number Seven – Become Love

I believe that one of the greatest joys of Thriver recovery from narcissistic abuse is to reach the becoming of love. What I mean by this is the return to the truth.

We come home, we understand the truth about the illusions we have been fed, and the need to wake up from them. The knowing that we are all souls on journeys to release ourselves from the darkness and the trauma, to move into the truth and the light of Who We Really Are.

It is from this place of living without trauma that we see the truth that all of this, no matter how it looks, was all meant to be. To have the experiences required to lose those false aspects of ourselves, the lies, the false beliefs, the taking on thinking that we were unlovable, defective or unacceptable, and knowing that everyone who is hurt or hurting others, is still stuck in that lie.

From this place, we have acceptance, gratitude, and compassion for those still stuck in the trance. And we know that our greatest purpose, regardless of what our individual specific missions are, is to be love and to see the truth. It’s then that we let go of our righteousness, demonising and judging which only helps to cement our victimisation and powerless states.

To become love, without fear, is the coming home to the truth. This is where we are set free and we get to experience heaven on earth as we are, right here, right now.

It’s only then that the pain ends and the beauty of our life starts to unfold as the new and true belief systems that we’ve worked hard to heal ourselves back to.

If it wasn’t for the narcissistic abuse happening for us, we would never have had to effort so courageously and consistently to bring ourselves home to the truth.

I hope that these seven steps have helped inspire you to know where you are heading, and the incredible evolutionary gifts that you can claim, with Thriver recovery, after narcissistic abuse.

So, if this is where you want to go, you can get started by working with my NARP program. Join me on this incredible and spectacular journey of self and life, by clicking the link at the top right of this video.

And, if you are already a NARP member, and you are looking for the next steps after abuse to claim your highest and best life, then I’d love to introduce you to my Empowered Self course, which is going through a very powerful upgrade very shortly, which you will receive free of charge as a result of being a member.

You can check out the details of this course also by clicking this link.

Okay so I hope that this video has inspired you, and if you like my videos and you would like to be notified each time a new one is released then please subscribe to my channel. Also remember to give this a thumbs up if you liked it.

Please also share with the people you love so that you can help them wake up out of the human trance as well.

And as always, I am totally looking forward to answering your comments and questions below.

 

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financial stability after divorce

5 Steps To Achieving Financial Stability After Divorce

financial stability after divorce

 

Many of us tend to focus on the emotional damage that can accompany divorce. It is important to keep in mind that divorce can have a significant financial toll as well. Women tend to fare worse than men economically after divorce, with one government study finding that a woman’s household income might fall an astounding 41 percent after divorce – almost twice as much as the reduction generally experienced by men.

There are real and significant costs associated with ending a marriage, finalizing a divorce case, and establishing separate households. Fortunately, there are steps that you can take to establish financial independence and stability after divorce. The following are some of the most important.

Steps To Achieving Financial Stability After Divorce

1. Establish Separate Accounts

Moving forward after divorce means establishing a completely separate financial life. As a result, you should close any joint bank or investment accounts that you and your ex may have together, make sure that any joint credit accounts that you and your ex had been closed or the appropriate user is removed from the account, obtain a credit card in your name only, and make a list of your individual assets and debts.

When you open your own accounts, be sure to set up a savings, money market, or investment account where you can begin building emergency funds and achieving other savings goals.

2. Set a New Budget

Once your divorce is final and the dust has settled, it is time to set a new budget, which might look substantially different from your prior budget during the marriage. In order to do so, you should first determine your post-divorce income.

If you are working, find out exactly how much you will be making every paycheck, and do not forget to include income from alimony (maintenance) or child support. Next, determine how much you need to maintain the lifestyle you would like and see if the numbers work out.

You may find yourself pleasantly surprised with your post-divorce income or realize that you may need to find another job or cut financial corners in certain areas. For example, keep in mind that as a single person, you probably do not need as much space as you did while you were married.

You may be able to significantly reduce your housing payment and utility bills by moving into a smaller apartment or house. Once you have a budget that works, try to stick to it as closely as possible. It might seem easy to pay for things outside your budget with credit cards, but the balances will add up quicker than you might imagine, and you might not have room in your budget to add in credit card payments.

3. Avoid Crisis Spending

The time immediately after your divorce is over can be an extremely difficult time emotionally. For this reason, you should avoid making big financial decisions during this period. While it may be tempting to purchase that new car you have always wanted, move to a new city, or take an expensive vacation, you should hold off on these and other large purchases until you are in a more emotionally stable place.

One of the best ways to prevent yourself from engaging in crisis spending is to limit your purchases to things that are going to meet your basic needs – your food, shelter, clothing, and transportation.

4. Build Your Credit

Divorce can wreak havoc on your credit, and it’s important to start building your own credit profile so that you can truly live independently and finance large purchases like homes or vehicles. Start with being sure to pay your bills on time every month. As soon as you feel like you are comfortable with your new financial situation, open a credit card in your name and make sure that you pay it off each month.

Avoid applying for too much credit in a short period of time, however, as this can negatively affect your score. Finally, regularly check your credit score on a free site. Make sure that all of the information in your credit report is up to date and that debts are marked closed as you pay them off.

5. Seek Help from a Financial Advisor

As a newly divorced woman, you should certainly seek help from a trusted financial advisor who understands your situation. Even if you had a financial planner during your marriage, it might be a good idea to find a new one who does not know your ex-spouse.

You should start working on your retirement plans on your own immediately, and a qualified advisor will certainly have some options for you. In the event that there were retirement accounts that were split up at the time of your divorce, you should certainly look into a Qualified Domestic Relations Order (QDRO) that can allow you to move money out of retirement accounts without any tax consequences.

An advisor can help you start a new investment portfolio with a lump-sum payment or periodic payments you received as part of the divorce order.

Finally, if you have any questions about your legal or financial obligations or rights as part of your divorce, you should speak to a family law attorney in your area.

The post 5 Steps To Achieving Financial Stability After Divorce appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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Steps to Sell Your Home During Divorce

Steps to Sell Your Home During Divorce

House selling steps during a divorce. Disconnecting emotionally during a divorce. Handling the sale of the family home in a businesslike manner can be one of the most productive ways for couples to move forward  and on with their lives.

The post Steps to Sell Your Home During Divorce appeared first on Divorce Magazine.

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Divorce & The Stay-At-Home Mom: She Needs to Take These 7 Steps

Divorce & The Stay-At-Home Mom: She Needs to Take These 7 Steps

Being a stay at home mom while going through a divorce can be stressful and difficult, but you can stay ahead of the game and keep prepared by following this guideline and meeting a lawyer sooner rather than later!

The post Divorce & The Stay-At-Home Mom: She Needs to Take These 7 Steps appeared first on Divorce Magazine.

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stay too long with wrong guy

Stayed Too Long with the Wrong Guy? 4 Steps To Self-Forgiveness

stay too long with wrong guy

 

Women with the biggest hearts are often drawn to emotionally unavailable men. We mistakenly think that if we love him hard enough, he will heal in our hands. If you have experienced the ending of such a relationship disaster, consider yourself lucky. Congratulations!

I know that forgiving ourselves for staying so long, loving, and loyal can be a major kick in the pants, especially when we most likely overlooked some major red flags in the beginning.

Emotional unavailability is defined as the inability to be emotionally present and receptive. These men put up walls against emotional intimacy, which is often characterized by several different types; the workaholic, the perfection chaser, the aggressor, the sob story victim, the disappearing act, the crumb giver.

These types use anger and aggression, stonewalling, denial, and avoidance to refrain from difficult conversations and problem-solving. Essentially, they chronically evade dealing with their own crap, fail to meet any of our emotional needs, and leave us wondering what the hell we did wrong. Newsflash! The only thing that we did “wrong” was choose THEM to partner with.

Stayed Too Long with the Wrong Guy?

Let’s get through this together! Moving on…

Show some self-compassion.

So often, we kindly talk to others with tenderness and sweet words of encouragement. From our children to our lovers, we are always right there to wipe their tears and hold their hands, listening with both ears to erase the pain. Enough! After a heartbreak, all of this energy and effort must now be turned inward. Time for self-compassion! Look in the mirror and admire those laugh lines that formed while giggling with your beautiful babies on the floor, tickling their toes.

Pull out that notepad and write down your best qualities, celebrating each one. Talk to yourself as if you are a young child or an elder. Use words of love and kindness. Your feelings are valid, you matter, and you deserve the love that you give.

Self-care is not selfish.

Did anyone say salt bath? Home pedicure and wine? Whatever makes you sigh aloud with relief, Do. It. Now. Shave those legs and then lotion up for a few extra minutes finishing with a foot massage. Stop in at the local salon, wash that man right ‘outta your hair, and trim those dead ends, literally and figuratively.  Call a counselor and clear the air for yourself. Pick up a new book and may I suggest “Mr. Unavailable & The Fallback Girl” by Natalie Lue? Light a candle and read for your own benefit and clarity, which brings us to number three…

Learn the lesson.

Hindsight is 20/20, my love. What red flags did we ignore? His criticism and yelling, his enduring need to work overtime and disappear, his perfectionist nature, or his perpetual “silent treatments” whenever there was a disagreement? Write down every strange gut feeling in that belly that went overlooked and every tear that soundlessly stung those eyes.

Self-reflect. What kept us still with an emotionally incompetent man for so long: fear, uncertainty, guilt, low self-esteem? Name the reason and accept it. We accept the love that we think we deserve. What do you deserve? Nothing changes if nothing changes, and change begins NOW.

Forward movement.

I started my own forward motion by creating a list of things in life and love that I want and desire. I included all of the qualities that the future love of my life should possess, the feelings that I hope to experience (like peace, liberation, openness, ease, giddiness) and the relationship goals that I plan to achieve with a partner.

I also construed a list of the places that I wish to visit and the activities I am eager to experience this fall, from wineries to autumn-leave trails to writing additional articles. By directing all of your energy and attention unto yourself, you will heal and recreate a new beautiful version of you, ready to love again with an emotionally available man next time.

As the author Natalie Lue writes in her book, “[Self] Forgiveness creeps up on you. Focus on treating yourself well, grieving any losses and addressing any habits that have held you back and that is forgiveness in itself because you give you another shot.”

The post Stayed Too Long with the Wrong Guy? 4 Steps To Self-Forgiveness appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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money smart divorce

10 Steps For a Money Smart Divorce

money smart divorce

 

When your marriage is ending, you have a lot on your mind including the past and the present. If you plan to make smart money decisions during your divorce, you will need to be focusing on your future as well.

Focusing on your future can really help when you are divorcing. Many couples learn the hard way and don’t examine their financial resources and assets to secure a financial future because they are too emotionally connected to the act of the divorce. Think of your divorce as a business deal and put the emotions aside so you can concentrate on the numbers.

10 Steps for a Money Smart Divorce

Get a Copy of Your Credit Report

The best idea to examine your credit is to get a copy of your credit report before the divorce so that anything in dispute on it can be resolved in advance of the finalization of your divorce. Contact the big three including Experian, TransUnion, and Equifax so you can get a copy of your report from each one.

This is the quickest manner to get all the information you need in one spot about outstanding loan balances, mortgage debt, and credit card debt that you and your spouse will need to divide in the divorce proceedings.

Open Individual Accounts in Your Name

This is another item on your to-do list before your divorce is official. It’s easier to get a credit card and a bank account solely in your name while you are still married because you share joint assets and debt on your credit cards, mortgages, and loans with your spouse.

This is of the utmost importance if you are a woman and have never established credit before. As people age and they don’t have credit, then it is almost impossible to get credit because they are seen as having no background with credit to be considered for a credit card and thus will be denied just because of no credit background.

Close all Your Joint Accounts

Divorces can be a long-drawn-out process that can take a lot of time. You want to close out all your joint accounts with your spouse to avoid acquiring more joint debt or losing shared bank assets during the process.

Cancel the accounts in writing and make certain to request that each creditor report the account as “closed by customer” to the credit bureaus so it does not reflect badly on your individual credit reports. Even though you close out all of the accounts, you will still be jointly responsible with your spouse to pay off the balance on each closed account.

Keep Property Separated

The assets that you acquired before the marriage and brought into the marriage, such as vehicles, real estate, an inheritance, gifts of any kind and money you had before the marriage are your separate property and they are yours after the divorce. You need to make sure and keep these separated in order to be awarded them.

For example, if you had a monetary inheritance and the money went into a joint bank account after you got married, then the court will consider this joint property and they can divide it according to the property laws of the state in which you reside. Keep in mind that your separate debt also travels with you. If you had a student loan and your spouse was jointly helping to pay the payments on it, you carry the balance out of the marriage with you.

Consider Selling the House

Women divorcees often want to keep the marital home at any cost because of emotional ties to it and the family. You should look at this issue and set aside your emotions. If you may not be able to afford the payments, then you can lose the home in the future.

You might consider selling the marital home and using the money to purchase a smaller home that you can easily afford with money left over as a financial cushion in the case that you would need it. This is especially important in an economy where we have no clue what the future will hold.

Change Your Beneficiaries

Most married couples name their spouse as their beneficiary on wills, trusts, IRAs, life insurance, and pension plans so that if one dies, the other will have the money to take care of the children. You really don’t want your ex to have a windfall of money in the case that you have an untimely demise. You can also examine each of these documents when you make changes to them and change your marital status on them at the same time.

Reclaim Your Maiden Name

Many women want to reclaim their maiden name to sever the ties of the relationship after a divorce. You will be required to have proof of the divorce decree in order to do this. You have a long list of to do’s here. You need to get a new driver’s license and report your name change to your employer, doctors, human resources department, your children’s teachers and schools, your landlord, mail person, health insurer and your pharmacist.

You will need to redo your W-4, other tax forms and report the name change to the Social Security Administration. You could lose valuable credits on your social security if there is a mix up with the names.

Check into Your Retirement

If you are pretty close to retirement age, you should check into your Social Security benefits. If you are 62 or older, were married for 10 years or more and have been divorced more than two years, without remarrying and you don’t qualify for an equal or higher Social Security benefits on your own, you can receive benefits that are based on your ex-spouse’s Social Security record even if your ex has not applied for benefits that they are eligible to receive. If you remarry, those benefits will end.

If you are raising a child that is under the age of 16 from the marriage you may be able to receive benefits on your ex-spouse’s record even if your marriage didn’t last 10 years. Usually, you can expect the same amount you would have gotten if you had remained married and sometimes all of it if your ex-spouse dies. The benefits you draw on your ex-spouse’s account do not affect amounts that are due to your ex-spouse’s current spouse.

Keep Your Health Coverage If at all Possible

If you are divorcing, try to keep health coverage if at all possible. One uncovered medical emergency can cripple you financially for the rest of your life. The COBRA program ensures that you are guaranteed 18 months of health coverage. It’s best to pay the much higher fees but remains with health coverage until you can find a lesser expensive alternative.

Get Up and Get Going

It’s recommended to get your credit report again about three months after your divorce is finalized. This will enable you to clean up any loose ends and to see all of your debts and assets in one area. If you received a lump sum payout in the divorce, you may want to consult a financial planner to ensure that it is well taken care of and don’t buy that fancy new sports car that you’ve always wanted.

Remember that you can live well no matter what your net worth is or what your marital status is.

These items on your to-do list will help you to remain financially sound after a divorce when you will need to handle all of your own finances. It’s a hard task, but the more you can put aside emotions, the better off you will be on your own.

The post 10 Steps For a Money Smart Divorce appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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divorce & the stay-at-home mom

Divorce & The Stay-At-Home Mom: 8 Necessary Steps To Take

divorce & the stay-at-home mom

 

Divorce can be an especially stressful time as a stay-at-home mom who has dedicated the past few years to raising kids and taking care of the family. By taking time away from their work life, they may be at a disadvantage. This is because it could be hard going back or relearning certain job-skills to make them competitive in the workplace again.

Being a stay-at-home mom is a beautiful way to raise your kids and fill the day with the various stresses and rewards of family care. However, It should not keep you from reaching your financial goals and well-being during a time of divorce.

Divorce & The Stay-At-Home Mom: 7 Necessary Steps

Get all of your financial documents together:

This includes W2s and tax returns from previous years, income statements including pay stubs, insurance policies, bank statements, details about loans and mortgages, and investment accounts. This will help the attorney understand your financial quality of life over the past few years to ensure that a divorce does not keep you from providing the same financial wellbeing to you and your children moving forward.

Gain access to funds:

You will need access to your marital account to pay for the finances of divorce. Hiring an attorney to represent you is critical so that you can secure your lifestyle after the process has completed. If you lack access to a joint account, you will need to create an individual fund from savings where you can make payments for the representation you need.

Craft a new budget:

Take the time to sit down one day and realistically draw up a budget based on how much is spent monthly on food, clothing, a mortgage on the house, utility bills, phone bills, and other necessities. This will create an outline of what is to be expected to keep supporting your kids and family.

Know what the marital house is worth:

Although you may want to continue living in the marital home for sentimental value to you and your kids, a divorce already stretches you and your spouse financially. It may be wise to have the house appraised and to know how much it is worth. In this way, if the budget needs to be limited, you can always sell the property and downsize to keep paying the bills for necessary items.

Get a handle on your credit:

You can find out your credit score on sites such as Credit Karma. Having a good credit score will allow lenders to feel more confident in lending the funds you need for mortgages on homes, cars, etc. One way to improve your credit score is to pay off student loans from the past. Remember, on credit cards you should never use more than 30% of your available credit line. Also, always pay bills on time, so you do not accumulate a hefty interest fee.

Plan to return to work:

Having a job gives you a chance to set up an individual account and to grant you the financial freedom you need to cover extra expenses. Make a resume with your most up-to-date skills and go on interviews in various industries. If you have already made a budget for yourself, you will know what salary to aim for at the end of each month.

Consider requesting temporary alimony:

If a judge determines that you have been at home for an extended period of time and cannot return to work right away because you do not have immediate skills, he/she will request that your ex-spouse give temporary alimony to cover the lifestyle you have been accustomed to over the years. If no prenuptial agreements were arranged before the marriage, you might be entitled to part of your ex-spouse’s funds.

Hire a team of qualified professionals:

By finding the perfect divorce attorney to represent you, you can come to court prepared to know that you have someone there who understands your needs and where you are coming from. In hiring a team, it is essential to look for someone who has the experience, shows compassion, and has a good reputation of winning settlements in favor of the client’s requests.

Hiring a lawyer to represent you can bring a feeling of felt relief. Having someone on your side to provider knowledge and skills that deliver is an essential reason for hiring a lawyer.  Being a stay at home mom while going through a divorce can be stressful and difficult, but you can stay ahead of the game and keep prepared by following this guideline and meeting a lawyer sooner rather than later!

The post Divorce & The Stay-At-Home Mom: 8 Necessary Steps To Take appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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5 steps to take when leaving a bad marriage

5 Steps To Take When Leaving a Bad Marriage

5 steps to take when leaving a bad marriage

 

Leaving a bad marriage is not easy so if you’ve decided you want a better life and are putting an end to a toxic marriage, bravo! Recognizing that you’re in a bad situation is hard enough but then respecting and loving yourself enough to say you’re truly done is daunting but doable if you are truly ready to leave.

Here are 5 steps to take when leaving a bad marriage: 

1. Therapy

Can you afford therapy? If you’re leaving a bad marriage, you will need support and to work through the issues that have built up during the marriage. Another great reason to try therapy? When leaving a bad marriage, you may be tempted many times to go back to your ex and a therapist can support you on your journey towards a healthy you and either rebuilding a healthier marriage or, a healthier life ahead outside of the marriage. Many therapists will work on a sliding scale and if you cannot afford it, try speaking to someone you trust like a pastor or rabbi, etc.

2. Finances

Are you working or, are you a stay-at-home parent? If you aren’t, will you need to support yourself?  Most likely the answer is yes so start applying to jobs, even if you find something that’s simply right for the meantime. Any bit of money earned is a step towards your independence, which is crucial when leaving a bad marriage.

If you’re already working and you are the breadwinner of the family, stop and consider how divorce will impact your earnings. Speak to a local attorney and find out your state’s laws on child support and spousal support.

Let’s also not forget any debt you and your soon-to-be-ex may have. Are you prepared for how that could be divided during a divorce? Important things to consider.

More financial factors:

  • Do you have a bank account in your name only? If not, open one. What about a credit card? Open one as well.
  • If you’re a stay-at-home parent, can you brush up your resume because you will need to work after divorce? And can you find family or loved ones to help with childcare when you return to work?

3. See a Lawyer

If you are determined to divorce and your spouse isn’t willing to use a mediator, which is a more affordable option than a litigated divorce. Most lawyers will do free consults and will give you a decent idea of what you are heading into financially and if you have children, with regards to custody. It never hurts to be prepared and no: don’t tell your partner you’re consulting with a lawyer!

4. Line Up the Troops

If you have kids, start lining up support now. It is hard being a single parent so having family and/or friends, who will help you and your kids through the transition, especially if it’s an ugly toxic marriage, will be immeasurable. Some family may have a hard time agreeing with your situation even if the marriage is that bad, so tell family members you can count on to be helpful on this journey.

5. Mantras/ Stress Outlets

Ending a marriage whether it was a good or bad marriage is emotionally taxing. Start finding ways to decompress whether it’s through meditation, yoga, reading, weekly meet-ups with a friend for a beer, coffee, a football game, or a manicure, or going for a run.

Even more pressing, start to work on your way of thinking and how you view yourself and your ability to handle divorce stress. Daily positive mantras such as: “I deserve a better life” or “This will get better” or “I am whole on my own” are good ways to mentally train yourself to want better for yourself and help you through the dark periods of separation and divorce.

The bottom line? You deserve to be happy and if your bad marriage is not fixable, don’t feel bad about walking away.

The post 5 Steps To Take When Leaving a Bad Marriage appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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6 Steps to Express What Really Matters to You

6 Steps to Express What Really Matters to You

When each partner can express and respond openly to each other’s wants and needs, their intimacy can grow and deepen.

The post 6 Steps to Express What Really Matters to You appeared first on Divorce Magazine.

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