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Same Sex Marriage: Can a judge stop you from getting a divorce in Texas?

Same Sex Marriage: Can a judge stop you from getting a divorce in Texas?

Originally published by The Law Office of Bryan Fagan, PLLC Blog.

Despite the decision out of our federal Supreme Court a few years ago that legalized same sex marriage across our country there are still some misunderstandings and questions regarding that subject. This is understandable to a degree. The change in laws dramatically altered the landscape of family law in terms of who is and is not able to participate in the family law courts. In addition, some folks I have spoken with in my capacity as a consultative attorney with the Law Office of Bryan Fagan still have questions if marriage and divorce work the same for opposite sex and same sex persons. Today’s blog post will discuss marriage and divorce for same sex couples.

Expected length of time for a same sex divorce in Texas?

There are two roads that your divorce could go down. The first is the path of least resistance- an uncontested divorce. To be considered truly uncontested you and your spouse would need to be in agreement on getting a divorce, have a plan in place for diving up any marital property and if you have children would need to have every aspect of a parenting plan agreed upon as well. This means conservatorship, visitation, support, etc. all need to be decided prior to hiring an attorney. If even one piece of this pie is missing, then your divorce is not uncontested and will therefore require some degree of negotiation.

The second path is unfortunately the more common road that most divorces go down- a contested divorce. All of the above issues that I laid out are in play in a contested divorce. The more substantial your martial property or the more detailed your parenting objectives and plans are the more complicated and longer your divorce will likely take. There is not anything wrong with this as a general rule, but it can get tedious and tiresome for most people who are eager to complete their divorce and move on with the rest of their lives.

Generally speaking, a divorce in Texas must take at least sixty days from the date on which the Original Petition for Divorce is filed with the court. Ostensibly the sixty first date is the earliest date on which you and your spouse can have a judge sign a final decree of divorce. A final decree could be signed and ready the day after your petition is filed but absent extreme circumstances (like family violence being an issue) it is unlikely that a judge would waive the sixty-day waiting period. For those of you wondering, the waiting period exists in order for you and your spouse to make absolutely sure that you want to get a divorce rather than remain married and try to work it out together.

How can you avoid a long and protracted divorce?

The key to a fast-moving divorce is to understand early on that you are not going to get 100% of what you want. I wish there were some way to ensure that all of our clients always got just what they wanted out of a divorce but to this point I have not been able to do the math on how to get there. If any attorney ever does get to that point, then the rest of us may as well give it up and start looking for work elsewhere.

The reason that divorces end up being situations where you and your spouse both give up (and therefore gain) things in order to settle the case is that most family courts in Texas require that you attend mediation at least once throughout your case’s life. Typically, you will attend mediation once before any temporary orders hearings and then again before your trial.

Temporary Orders hearings have everything to do with how you and your spouse will be situated during your divorce from the perspective of making sure bills are paid, the kids are cared for and one another are treated with respect. Mediation involves attending a formal negotiation session with your attorneys in the office of a third-party mediator. The mediator is also very likely a practicing family law attorney him or herself so you will be able to gauge the relative strength or weakness of your arguments with the mediator as well.

In mediating for final orders you will likely be extending much of the temporary orders out into your post-divorce life as well as deciding what will happen with any marital property accumulated by you and your spouse. Texas is a community property state. This means that any property that you acquired during the course of your marriage is considered to be jointly owned by both of you and is therefore subject to being divided up in your divorce case. If it is your contention that something acquired during your marriage is your property separate from your spouse- like a gift of some sort- then the burden is on your to prove by clear and convincing evidence that this is the case.

Tips for preparing for mediation in your same sex divorce case

Attending mediation will be the same for you as it would be for persons going through any other divorce. You and your attorney should come prepared with settlement offers, a list of property that may be in play as far as negotiation is concerned as well as plans and ideas on how to divide up parenting time with your children. The more prepared you are and the more variations you have available to you of the different parenting plans the more likely you will be to reach a relatively pain free settlement.

For instance, it is commonly thought in opposite sex divorces that mothers have the advantage when it comes to being named the primary conservator of your child. Primary conservator means the parent who has the right to determine the primary residence of your child- among other rights. This allows your child to live with you throughout the school year and provides visitation time (mostly on weekends) to your spouse once the divorce has been completed.

In same sex divorces there would not be an apples to apples comparison due to there not being a male and female parent from which to choose from. You and your spouse should have had discussions heading into mediation regarding which of you is better suited to be named as the primary conservator of your children. Having an honest conversation with your attorney about which parent has been more active, more involved, and better acquainted with your children’s day to day needs is a good place to start. My admitting to yourself that your spouse has taken the lead in these areas throughout your marriage or has a work schedule that is more conducive to providing the level of care that is needed to raise a child on a daily basis is not admitting that you are not a good parent. It can, however, help you to eliminate contentious delays in your case and lead to a more developed settlement agreement.

Another aspect of divorce mediation that you need to be prepared for is determining how to divide up your bigger financial assets. Retirement plans, bank accounts, home equity and the like are probably the type of assets that you will have in play for your case. If you have not considered these subjects prior to entering into mediation you will find out that you will need to work through them in mediation. Seeing as how most mediation sessions are only four hours long you will not be optimizing your time by spending an undue amount of time on these sort of brain storming sessions while in mediation. Rather, spend a few weeks prior to mediation using your attorney as a go-between to communicate settlement offers to your spouse.

Finally, it is important to note that what you settle upon in mediation cannot (in most circumstances) be changed. That means that you cannot wake up the morning after mediation and call your attorney in a panic because you think you made a huge mistake in deciding to agree to a geographic restriction for your child when you really want to move back home to Colorado to be closer to family once the divorce is over with.

You can avoid problems like this by asking questions of your attorney about anything that you are agreeing or not agreeing to. If any settlements are reached (either in part or in full) then the mediator will present rough draft copies of what is known as a mediated settlement agreement to you and your spouse. You can and should go over them with your attorney to make sure that you understand everything that is being agreed to. If something doesn’t make sense, or if the wording of what the mediator included does not comport to the agreement as you understood it please raise that issue before mediation is over with.

Will you ever have to go to court in your divorce?

Thankfully you will likely only have one court date that you will have to attend during your divorce. That court appearance will be an uncontested appearance in what is known as a Prove Up hearing. The petitioner (party who filed the Petition for Divorce) will attend a quick hearing with their attorney in court. At the prove up hearing your attorney will be presenting you and your Final Decree of Divorce to the judge for his or her approval. The attorney will ask you questions regarding the divorce decree as a means to show the judge that you and your spouse have come to an agreement and are ready to move forward to close out your case.

In all likelihood your judge will not ask any questions and will send you off on your way. The divorce decree will be signed by the judge later that day and will likely be posted online in the day following. You can pay for certified copies at the clerk’s office shortly thereafter.

One question that I am sometimes asked by clients is how much of your prove up hearing will be heard by the public. It is true that anyone can walk into your courtroom during your prove up hearing and hear some details about your case. If you are at all trying to keep the divorce from becoming an “event” or something like that I understand why you may not be too excited to set foot in court and put your life on display in front of a handful of people.

I cannot emphasize, however, that it is unlikely that anyone in court other than the court report, judge, your attorney and you will be paying attention to a word of what is said. In Harris County, for example, you and your attorney will approach the bench and speak to the judge in a conversational tone. Therefore, a person in the first row of courtroom seats will have problems hearing what is happening in your case. The bottom line is that if you are worried about airing your business for all the world to hear then you should be at ease because a Prove Up hearing is not that kind of court appearance.

Closing thoughts on same sex divorce cases

It could be that you never imagined that you would ever get married in your life. Now you are having to contend with the thought of getting a divorce. This cannot be an easy time for you and your family. However, the attorneys and staff with the Law Office of Bryan Fagan are here to tell you that our office will stand with you throughout your case until your process is complete.

If you have any questions about the material that we have covered please consider contacting the Law Office of Bryan Fagan. We offer free of charge consultations six days a week with our licensed family law attorneys. It would be our pleasure to talk with you and to answer your questions and concerns in a comfortable, pressure-free environment.

Curated by Texas Bar Today. Follow us on Twitter @texasbartoday.



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toxic people

Want To Feel Better? Then Stop Hanging Around Toxic People

toxic people

 

When you’re working to get your confidence back and build boundaries after divorce, there is one “hiding in plain sight” barrier that will keep you from reaching your goals.

And that’s surrounding yourself with toxic people.

You know *exactly* who these toxic people are…

  • The pushy one with unsolicited advice that makes you doubt your decisions
  • The catty one with snide comments and back-handed compliments
  • The one who blames you and makes herself the victim when you call her out on her BS.

Sound like anyone you know? 

Is this a sister? Your mother? Your adult daughter? That “friend” who says she’s “only trying to help you?”

Literally every woman deals with these jerks on the daily. And his/her comments are so hurtful because they know which button of yours to push. They’ve known you for a long-ass time, and know your sore spots, triggers, and vulnerabilities.

That’s why one of their comments can leave you devastated for days.

The secret about toxic people in your life…

100% of that criticism has nothing to do with you. She is projecting her own insecurities onto you she’s not taking responsibility for her own issues.

Remember the time your sister said, “that dress looks a little snug on you, don’t you think?” although she knew you were counting calories and going to yoga three times a week?

She’s guaranteed stepped on the scale that morning and was 12 pounds heavier after that cruise.

Remember that time you got that promotion at work and instead of congratulating you, your mother said, “Oh, so I guess that means you’ll be spending even less time with your kids.”

Like, WTF?!

She guaranteed is feeling resentful that she stepped down from her job to stay full-time with her children and didn’t go back into the workplace.

What to do About Toxic People

So, what do you want to do about her? 

Continue to let them walk all over you, saying “that’s just her.” This option is risky because you put yourself at risk of continued frustration and hurt feelings.

Stand up for yourself. This doesn’t have to look like a Jerry Springer fight. But it takes courage.

“Hey (insert person’s name), it really hurts my feelings when you do/say (insert harmful action here). I would ask that you keep those comments to yourself.

“Hey (insert person’s name). I notice that you’re always commenting or giving me unsolicited advice on my divorce/looks/weight/recovery/insert whatever they’re always commenting on. I would ask that you don’t do that anymore, at least until I specifically ask for your advice.”

So, a quick heads-up when you stand up for yourself. If the person has any amount of emotional intelligence, they may take a step back and say, “Oh, wow.. Sorry. I didn’t mean to make you feel bad,” or something along the lines of that. 

Or…they may get defensive and turn it on you. They may say, “I’m only trying to help you. If you don’t want my honest opinion, then fine.” And then they might stomp away or hang up the phone or stonewall you or some other 5-year-old-at-the-playground nonsense.

If that reaction occurs, that is a HUGE RED FLAG that maybe this relationship is unhealthy. This ain’t the end of the world–it’s just an opportunity to set up healthy boundaries.

Oh, and I get you may not just be able to walk away from that person so easily. She might be a relative or close friend.

But remember–being related to someone DOES NOT give them carte blanche to treat you like poorly.

It takes a herculean effort to be confident enough to speak up and stand your ground when they push back. But until then, remember:

  1. Be aware that some of the most toxic people may be the ones closest to you
  2. Their smack-talking has nothing to do with you, but everything to do with their own insecurities
  3. You have the power to speak up for yourself
  4. Family members and close friends *do not* get to throw shade just because they’re in your life.

The post Want To Feel Better? Then Stop Hanging Around Toxic People appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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stalking your ex on facebook

Stop Stalking Your Ex On Facebook With These 4 Tips

stalking your ex on facebook

 

You know it’s terrible for you. You know you should stop doing it, yet somehow, you find yourself going back to that search tab on Facebook, and typing in his name. What utterly unsurprising exhibit will you find this time?

Ah, stalking exes on social media. We’ve all done it. Heck, I’ve even had my share of keeping tabs on some old friends I’ve cut ties with. But in terms of toxicity and harmful behavior, social media stalking that guy you dated for six months or the friend you’ve had a falling-out with comes nowhere near the ex-husband, the father of your child. Looking back, I can see precisely how my casual tendency to hop on over to my ex’s Instagram had spiraled into a dangerous habit that brought out the worst in me.

It doesn’t matter whether you’re freshly divorced or it’s been a while. The truth remains that social media surveillance only impedes the natural process that unravels after a serious relationship has failed. That’s a process of healing, coming to terms with what happened, and becoming whole again.

So what do you do when you know it’s not right, but still can’t help yourself?

Stalking Your Ex On Facebook? Here’s How to Stop

Get to know your habit

How often do you stalk your ex on social?

Which feelings does this practice usually evoke?

Pay attention and try to note in which situations you most often search his profile. You’ll notice you hardly ever do it when you’re busy, focused on your wellbeing, or generally content. No, we’ll stalk our exes on social when we’re mind-numbingly bored, feeling petty, or in a self-destructive state where we’re intent on making our anguish worse.

What does that tell you? Yup, nothing good can ever come out of this.

Lastly, whenever the idea of checking out their profile pops up, ask yourself: “What am I looking for?”

The answer to this is seemingly obvious, yet completely vague: well, you “just want to see what he’s up to”. But here’s the thing: you won’t stop until you find something to despise, or something that makes you feel hurt and jealous, or something that proves you’re better off without them.

But this is social media, not real life. And trust me, you don’t need a curated digital presence to prove to you that you’re better off without him. Whether it was you who filed for divorce or him, that decision has been made, and I hardly doubt Facebook/Instagram/Twitter had anything to do with it. Move on and stop looking for confirmation when you have it already.

The thing with this habit of social media surveillance is that you won’t discover anything that you don’t know, think, or feel already. It’s about finding ways to confirm your biases, and that’s exactly what you will do every time. You’ll prove to yourself that you were right. But it won’t feel as good as it should. Am I right?

Keep busy

The reason it won’t feel good is largely owed to that pesky voice that inevitably accompanies all stalking sessions. “Okay, he is still pathetic, but what the hell am I doing with my life, sitting here and scrolling through his profile.”

The best way to cure harmful social media habits is by staying busy and focused on other things. Spend quality time with your kids, go for drinks with friends, find a new hobby. Maybe you want to finally take up hiking and make a new family tradition of enjoying the outdoors with your kids. Whatever activity you’re going for, be mindful and present. You’ll have plenty of tangible proof in your life that you are, indeed, better off without him.

Another good idea is to choose a replacement habit for every time you feel the itch to check on his profile. For example, that could be going for a walk, doing a short meditation exercise, or working on an art project (you can even get your kids on board). And don’t leave this to chance. Plan for this scenario and make sure you have an idea for what you’ll do instead of diving into his social media accounts.

Now, we’ll talk about blocking him from your social media in a moment, but even with those brakes in place, you’ll likely still find yourself craving a social media toxicity hit, at least in the beginning. Like with all bad habits and addictions, a good habit that substitutes the initial behavior will help redirect your focus and ultimately break the cycle.

Go cold turkey

Just. Block. Him.

This is the obvious solution and the one that’s most widely recommended. And if you’re guilty of “hiding” his posts, only to come back and actively search his profile, this is definitely the “parental control” you need to set for yourself.

By blocking his profiles, his online presence becomes invisible to you and vice-versa, which, in all honesty, is really what you need at this stage. Further down the line, maybe a time will come when you’ll be okay with seeing him pop up on your feed, and you really won’t care at all; but if everything is still fresh and you’re struggling with trying not to stalk him, that time has clearly not come yet. So use that block button to avoid temptation and give yourself the much-needed space.

The fact that he won’t be able to see you is equally important, as you won’t be tempted to curate your social media presence to show him that you’re better off. You don’t want to be posting stuff just to get a reaction from him. Trust me; it’s not healthy for you. And remember: his close friends and family come with the package, too. If there’s anyone close to him whose posts will remind you of him and rub salt into the wound, block them also.

But although this is the simple answer, it’s not the ultimate one. To release the demons from within and eliminate the need to stalk him on social, you’ll need all these other steps too.

The bottom line: Commit to letting go

To let go, you’ll need to commit. Set your intentions and muster the willpower to eliminate the habits that are standing in the way. Stalking your ex on social is undoubtedly one of the most harmful, and it’s too darn easy.

These steps have helped me, but if you’re still having a tough time after a few weeks, maybe you want to take a break from social media entirely, even if it’s just temporarily. You’ll find you have a lot more time for all the good things in life.

The post Stop Stalking Your Ex On Facebook With These 4 Tips appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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closure after divorce

Closure After Divorce: Why It Comes When We Stop Looking For It

closure after divorce

 

Four and a half years ago I had no idea how to be divorced. I had been married for seventeen years, since the age of 22, and my husband had blindsided me with the news that he was leaving.

He was my first real love and this was my first real breakup. All I could think of in those early days was that I didn’t want to be divorced, or single.

I wanted ANSWERS.

I became almost obsessed with the idea of closure. I was a wreck. In my tightly controlled world, things like this just didn’t happen. Major events were planned – detailed thought went into any significant happenings, and I usually had the final say in whether or not the happening would go ahead. But not this time.

On top of being completely and utterly heartbroken, I thought that the uncertainty and injustice of it all would damn near kill me. I wondered what thought my husband had put into this rash decision of his and found myself searching desperately for closure and answers. I told myself that I couldn’t rest until I found both.

And on the torment went.

One day, a well-meaning girlfriend suggested that I use the time to focus on myself – to stop worrying about what he was doing and why he was doing it, and to focus instead on ME. I thought she was nuts. How could I rest when THIS had just happened for god’s sake?

Still, not having much else better to do, I tentatively gave it a go.

Slowly – VERY slowly at first, I started giving MYSELF the time and love and attention that I so desperately craved. I slowly taught myself how to spend time alone. How to be single, and how not to hate it. How to look inside for answers to my grief, and how to self-soothe. I read a lot of books, took a lot of candlelit baths, drank a lot of tea, and cried a lot of tears.

I began to grieve – PROPERLY grieve – the life that I had lost. And little by little, I began to heal.

Today, four years on, I understand just how wise this woman’s words were. I realized that sometimes, we don’t know why things happen as they do. We ESPECIALLY don’t know when we are in the thick of it all, grieving and dealing with emotions that we’ve perhaps never had to deal with before.

The truth is this: Answers and closure come to us when we stop looking for them. They come when we stop obsessing and begging, and instead start to accept life as it is. Of course, this is not easy. It was in fact one of the hardest things I – a former control freak – have EVER had to do. But, I did it.

And I now have the answers and closure I once so desperately craved.

So, what were the answers? Looking back at my marriage now, I can see that there were certain cracks. I can see that more than anything, we had grown apart. We were evolving and moving at different rates and in different directions. I couldn’t accept (or even see) this when I was in the midst of grieving. I could see and accept it once I’d healed.

The beautiful irony in all of this is that once the answers came to me, I was no longer desperate for them. I got my closure and I did it by myself, for myself – and this was a truly empowering thing. And yet another reminder that in life we really have very little control over other people’s actions. Our true power always lies in our re-actions.

Here are some things you can do instead of looking for closure after divorce:

Focus on HEALING

Understand that you ARE going to feel crappy for a while after a breakup or divorce – there is no avoiding this. And hard as it is to understand – much less accept – this at the time, closure and answers will not be forthcoming when you are in this grieving state.

Acceptance and closure come with healing. So, do what you need to do to heal. Give yourself COPIOUS amounts of self-love and care. Spend time alone. Spend time with friends. Eat well, sleep well, don’t abuse your body. Healing is one of the most natural processes known to man – it WILL happen if you allow it to.

STOP obsessing, questioning and begging

Do your best not to do what I did – desperate texts and phone calls to the ex, begging for information and answers. Even if they are able to give you answers (mine struggled) they will likely not make you feel any better. They may actually make you feel worse.

Therefore leave it, and focus on healing.

Trust that in time the answers WILL come

Accept that grieving and healing are processes. TRUST in the process. Trust that you will one day feel a whole lot better than you do now, and trust that you will one day understand why it happened. Be open to receiving guidance and answers as they come to you.

Finally, understand that closure that comes from within is infinitely more valuable than ANYTHING external. As I eventually realized, you do NOT need to wait for answers or permission from ANYBODY. You can make the choice to let it go and move forward. What a liberating choice to make!

The post Closure After Divorce: Why It Comes When We Stop Looking For It appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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be more confident

Want To Be More Confident? Then Stop Being Afraid To Piss People Off

be more confident

 

This is the #1 thing you must do to stick up for yourself.

Here’s the uncomfortable truth, friends.

In your journey to be confident and feel better about yourself, you cannot be afraid to step on toes. In other words…

Want to be more confident? Don’t be afraid to piss people off.

Strong women will end up pissing people off. And that’s okay.

Now, to be clear, I’m not talking about pissing folks off in the wanton, sociopathic, “Fatal Attraction” bunny rabbit kind of way.

What I do mean, however, is that from now on, you need to start internalizing that you matter. What you want matters. Your worth matters.

Because here’s the thing. As you recover from your divorce, rebuild your self-esteem, and learn how to set healthy boundaries, there will be many people around you—some may even be close friends or family members–who may not like that you’re voicing your opinion.

If the people who don’t like it, let this year be the year you stick up for yourself. And if they get angry or offended that you’re sticking up for yourself, forget them. Because you don’t need their toxicity anyway.

Let this be the summer you learn to stick up for yourself.

So many of us have been raised to not raise our voice. To just play nicely. To not cause a ruckus. And yeah, when you’re at a funeral or in a theater, those are great guidelines.

However, that social conditioning means that during your marriage, you probably let your spouse always have their way so there wouldn’t be a conflict. Maybe you went along with decisions–even when they didn’t serve you—because you didn’t want a fight or to make him upset.

But doing that for years probably made you resentful, or stole your self-confidence and ability to find your own voice. And this silence may have buried that part of you–the part that had dreams and hopes and goals that were every bit as valid as your partner’s and your children’s.

While it may not seem like it, that part of you is still alive. That part of you deserves to be heard, acknowledge,  and validated.

But you have to do it yourself. It may seem intimidating, but you must speak up for yourself this year. And let people in your life know what you want.

Because, what other choice do you have?

It won’t be easy though, but at the end of the day, at the end of this transition to being divorced and independent in your life, there is one thing that will always be true.

No one will stand up for you but you. But you are all you need.

You’ve mattered all along, although people in your life probably weren’t reminding you of that. Hell, you probably forgot to remind yourself that you mattered. But you must start internalizing this. You must not be afraid to tell the people in your life–the ones who drain you and take advantage of you and don’t appreciate you–to back up, to shape up, or to get the hell out of your face.

You must be your own advocate.

You must be the person in the mirror who tell yourself that you got this.

You must know that it’s time to put yourself first for a change.

And if you need help, for the love of all things holey, ask for help.

Because at the end of the day, you have yourself. And if you do it right, that is all you need.

So, what steps will you take this year to stand up for yourself?

What does finding your voice again look like for you?

The post Want To Be More Confident? Then Stop Being Afraid To Piss People Off appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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How To Stop Playing the Narcissist’s Game – And Win

How To Stop Playing the Narcissist’s Game – And Win

 

There is nothing more frustrating than trying to make a narcissist accountable, responsible and behave like a decent human being.  We try everything to make life happy, peaceful and sane but nothing works.

We are looking to have a game of friendly croquet in a deadly hell zone with machine guns, rocket launchers and missiles – all designed to hit hard and render you powerless enough to be fully controlled and to hand over what the narcissist requires to feed their insatiable False Self.

Most of us, like my former self, have no idea WHAT the narcissist’s game is and why we will never win at it.

However, in today’s Thriver TV episode we are going to peel all this back to firmly understand the narcissist’s game as well as what our TRUE game is and how to make sure we WIN our rights, happiness, values and truth back.

 

 

Video Transcript

Is there anything more frustrating than having a narcissist beat you at every turn?

The more you try to make them see sense and decency, the less they do.

The more you try to hold them accountable, the more it’s your fault.

The more you try to stop them doing obscene things, the harder they do them.

Why don’t your efforts work?

Truthfully – it’s because you are playing the game the WRONG way! (Believe me, initially I had no idea either!)

Today, all of that changes because you are going to discover exactly what a narcissist wants and how to cut them off from it and create your life healthily and FINALLY win.

Not possible you may say!

I promise you it is not just possible, it’s inevitable, and today I’m going to show you how.

Okay, so before we get started, I want to remind you that if you haven’t yet subscribed to my channel please do. And if you like this video, please make sure you hit the like button.

Let’s get going…

 

The Narcissist’s and Our Respective Games

The narcissist’s game is simple – drama, attention, significance, dumping emotional agony onto others and belting them up for it.

Nothing pleasant really…

How did we get caught up in this game?

The answer is we combined our ‘game’ with their ‘game’.

This is OUR game – love, togetherness, peace, happiness and joy – these things are nothing like the narcissist’s game. In fact, in an interior landscape, which is firmly about ‘self’ and ‘how to be superior’ at all costs, these things don’t even figure to a narcissist. These are not desired results for their life and certainly they don’t fit into their pathological ego construct.

These things only diminish narcissists. It makes them ‘usual’ and ‘normal’ and incredibly vulnerable to the annihilation of the False Self into harmony and peace where they can no longer remain separate and significant.

So for starters, we are looking to have a game of friendly croquet in a deadly hell zone with machine guns, rocket launchers and missiles – all designed to hit hard and render you powerless enough to be fully controlled and to hand over what the narcissist requires to feed their insatiable False Self.

Here there is no lush green lawns; no sipping Pimm’s and enjoying club sandwiches.

And it doesn’t matter how much you try to make the narcissist settle into a healthy relationship, play nicely or care about you. It’s just not possible. This doesn’t supply what the narcissist wants and needs – the attention and drama to stop them sinking into being with and feeling their True Self wounds; the trauma of being defective and not good enough as themselves to get their needs met. Hence why the narcissist completely divorces his or her own self-assessed ‘pathetic, damaged’ True Self – which is how they really feel about themselves – and created a False Self in its place.

It also doesn’t matter how shot up, bleeding and writhing in agony you are whilst trying. The narcissist is not going to come and pick you up, love you and stop hurting you. He or she would rather throw you under the next oncoming tank.

You see, the narcissist has been projecting on to you those parts that the narcissist hates about themself, and unconsciously has been trying to kill off your Being in an attempt to annihilate their own disowned projected Self.

You are the enemy.

So, therefore, if we REALLY want love, togetherness, peace, happiness, and joy, WHY are we in this war zone experiencing horrific brutality and treatment when we know our life and everything in it that matters to us is being ripped to shreds?

It truly doesn’t make sense – well not logically anyway.

Let’s investigate deeper.

 

We Don’t Know Better

Logically we may believe or know there is better. We know that other people experience love, happiness and being treated well by others. So why are we still connected to someone who is NOT these things?

It may seem like we see glimpses of the lovely person – we think they have the capacity in some sense to do the right thing. They may have turned on the crocodile tears and granted us many promises, and other people may have even given us hope about them.

But I really want you to KNOW this is NOT why you are hanging in there.

The reason all of us have been or are stuck in war zones with narcissists is because our inner subconscious programs are still a match for pain and trauma.

We have believed our game is love, togetherness, peace, happiness and joy – and absolutely we want these things – but could we really handle them if they arrived?

According to Quantum Law, so within, so without, this is all very difficult for us to obtain when our subconscious programs regarding love and relationships are painful, conflicted and messy – resembling that of, well, quite frankly, a battlefield.

Let me explain to you what I mean with my own story.

Like many of us who have been narcissistically abused, love and relationships were often a minefield for me. I went through painful, addictive, adulterous relationships – where I chose partners based on ‘attraction’, who weren’t healthy relationship material.

After doing a lot of personal development, I ‘grew up’ enough to be much more sensible in choosing love partners. But then I chose people who had been ‘bad’ in their past, yet professed to ‘now’ be evolved, spiritual and ‘changed’.

I believed them. After all hadn’t I been less than sterling in my ‘lost’ years?

Anyway, the drama came up, as did the pain, the highs and lows and, of course, so within, so without, the two greatest narcissistic relationships came into my life when I professed black and blue that I wanted peace, love and harmony in my relationships.

However, when I started doing the inner work, I discovered these following things that HAD been keeping me in the narcissist’s hell game.

I found normal, non-edgy people boring, just as I had grave trouble just ‘being’ with myself in a state of peace, low-ebb and tranquillity. In fact, my levels of still-existing ‘crisis-consciousness’ had made me so obsessive-compulsive and highly anxious that I literally believed if I ‘stopped’, ‘rested’ or ‘wasn’t doing something’ that my whole world would cave in.

How this state of being manifested consciously in my life was ‘always needing to be busy and industrious’ and ‘not having time to nurture and be kind to myself’. I know many of you relate.

The warzone of narcissistic abuse fulfils crisis consciousness perfectly. It grants us a JOB of being busy in damage control, ALWAYS! It wasn’t until I went deeply inside with NARP Modules to find and release the traumas generating these anxious states of myself that I was able to just ‘be’.

Phew, I am now so much more able to play croquet!

Okay, then there was the matter of ‘significance’, which is one of the dire rules of engagement in the battlefield with a narcissist.

Before healing my deep inner programs, I never felt good enough or truly loved and appreciated. All my life I had wanted to be recognised just for being me, and I felt so insignificant and hurt again and again with all of the narcissist’s accusations and condemnations that I would fight for recognition.

Narcissistic abuse supplied that battle abundantly for me – it fulfilled the self-fulfilling prophecy of ‘not being good enough to be valued and loved’ that I was already immersed in.

Once all my old wounds that had existed way before narcissistic abuse were healed within me, I was able to unconditionally love and accept my own value and worth. Before, however, there was no known way that I could have played croquet – the compliments and recognition there were too foreign, and therefore unacceptable, to me.

Additionally, there was the narcissist’s anger and malicious missiles hitting their targets and blowing me apart. Little did I know, until later, that my old traumas being triggered into fully blown activation with these attacks granted me the permission to retaliate – to dump my devastation and rage somewhere. So much so, that there were times when I looked in the mirror and didn’t recognise who looked back at me – I seriously doubted my own sanity and humanity.

It wasn’t until I was able to release the trauma of cruelty and abuse from my Inner Being, and all my panic, desperation and anger that was generated from these wounds, that I had zero desire to be participating in the war zone.

After healing me on all these issues, as well as many others, I realised that when we get better, we do better.

I left the battlefield and croquet became very enticing.

Playing the Right Game

The narcissist’s game is not our game. We don’t win at love, happiness and joy in war zones. We can’t, don’t and won’t beat narcissists on battlefields.

We beat narcissists and win at our Life by exiting the game and walking onto our green lawn no matter WHAT the narcissist does to try to pull us back into the mayhem.

How are we going to accept the lush healthiness of love, peace, harmony and happiness?

By changing and healing our inner terrain to healthy programs – which is what happens automatically when we target, find and release the trauma that has been subconsciously conscripting us to war.

Is that what you want? To get free of this rubbish?

If you are with me, write ‘I’m walking away to play croquet NOW!’ below.

Okay … so now that you have done that, I promise you this is not just a logical choice. It’s got to be so much more than that. It must be an inner powerful shift and I’m going to show you how to achieve it.

If this video woke you up and you know your True Life awaits you, join me on this side, where you will Thrive, by clicking this link.

And if you want to see more of my videos, please subscribe so that you will be notified as soon as each new one is released. And if you liked this – click like. Also, please share with your communities so that we can help people awaken to these truths.

And, as always, I am so looking forward to answering your comments and questions below.

 

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Want To Feel More Confident? Stop Apologizing!

feel more confident

 

Ever been in a situation like this before?

You don’t pick up the phone in time and when you call the person back, the first words out of your mouth are “I’m sorry.”

You bring store-bought cupcakes to your friend’s party and you utter “I’m sorry.”

You vent to a good friend about something going on, and you say, “Sorry for rambling.”

Notice the pattern going on?

You’re apologizing. Way too much. And it’s those apologies that are impeding your divorce recovery.

Want To Feel More Confident? Stop Apologizing!

Uncomfortable Truth #1: We’re raised to be people-pleasers.

We are natural caregivers. From an early age, you were most likely following your mother around, hoping to help her out, or taking care of your younger siblings. Or, you may have had a parent say to you at one time, “I need you to watch your brother/sister and make sure they don’t get into trouble.”

And what did you do? Well, in order to make your mom “proud” of you, you most likely did everything you could to please her. And that mentality probably stuck. You probably worked hard to get good grades to get your parents’ and your teachers’ approval. Because you didn’t want to disappoint them.

That mentality carried over into adulthood. You did everything to be a good partner and a good mother because you didn’t want to disappoint anybody. Society put unrealistic expectations on you to be a Stepford Wife. You were given a choice to either give up your career to be a stay-at-home mom, never getting paid or recognized for all the work you were doing, or to have a career, where you were still expected to do most of the household and child-rearing work.

And the only way to avoid disappointing others, and to shield yourself from conflict, was to say “I’m sorry.”

Even when it wasn’t your fault. Or didn’t warrant an apology.

Uncomfortable Truth #2: We were never taught to put ourselves first

Can you think of any time when you were growing up that your mom, or dad, or teacher, or some other adult close to you sat you down, and said, “Your dreams and goals matter just as much as anybody else’s. Let your voice be heard.

Instead, you were probably raised to be obedient and to not make a scene. Which is why, when we get divorced, we feel this crazy unnecessary guilt.

Oh, what a shame! You two have been married for so long!

Can’t you find a way to work it out? Your retirement will be so much harder now!

Ever find yourself saying “I’m sorry” as a response? To keep the peace?

Well, what about your feelings? And your happiness?

If you’re not sure where to even begin with being happy and not paralyzed by guilt, there’s one thing you must do.

Put yourself first for a change.

Here’s what you need to know.

There are dangers to saying “I’m Sorry.”

Danger 1: Frivolous apologizing = a signal that people can take advantage of you.

The reflexive apology you say sends the signal to that other person that you’re:

  • Willing to accept the blame for something you didn’t do
  • Sending them an invitation to wrong your or disrespect you again, because they don’t have to be held accountable to their actions.

Danger 2: Constantly apologizing makes it harder to stand up for yourself.

Even when you’re in a benign situation where you think you’re expressing regret, and you’re not saying “sorry” to keep the peace, there’s still an underlying danger.

Danger 3: Apologizing puts somebody else’s pain on you.

A simple “I’m sorry” may make you feel like you’re making a situation better, but what you’re actually doing is taking that person’s pain and shouldering it for them. That’s not helpful for anyone in that situation, and there are other ways to express support than just apologizing.

Alternatives to “I’m sorry.”

These alternative phrases do double duty in the best way possible. First, they convey empathy for another person without shouldering their pain. And second, they reinforce your boundaries without giving them up in the name of diffusing conflict or placating someone.

If your ex, your current partner, or a friend says they’re angry at something.

Instead of: I’m sorry.

Say: Are you upset at something? Let’s discuss it.

When someone is having a hard time.

Instead of: I’m sorry.

Say: This sucks that you’re going through this hard time. Please know that I’m here if you need anything.

You’re 15 minutes late to a meeting.

Instead of: Sorry I’m so late.

Say Instead: Thanks for your patience.

If there is a miscommunication between you and someone.

Instead of: I’m sorry for bothering you.

Say: There seems to be a communication issue here. What can we do to get this back on track?

If you bump into someone or are trying to get through a crowd.

Instead of: I’m sorry.

Say: Excuse me. I need to get through.

See how that works? You’re acknowledging empathy, but not at the expense of your well-being. Plus, you’re asserting your own needs and internalizing that you matter.

It can be challenging to shake off years of social conditioning. But at the end of the day, remember that you are not responsible for pleasing everybody, especially when it comes at the expense of them disrespecting you and taking advantage of you.

As you recover from divorce, remember that you matter and that you can express sympathy in ways that are authentic that continue to build you up, not tear you down.

So, how about you?

Do you apologize too much, especially when you don’t need to?

What can you say instead of “I’m sorry” next time?

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