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5 Tips for Surviving the Holidays Post-Divorce

5 Tips for Surviving the Holidays Post-Divorce

Divorce isn’t easy, so be kind to yourself during the holidays and remember to still be thankful for the good things in your life.

The post 5 Tips for Surviving the Holidays Post-Divorce appeared first on Divorce Magazine.

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7 Tips To Reduce Holiday Stress

7 Tips To Reduce Holiday Stress

While your first holiday season post divorce may not be easy, with a little planning it can be the beginning of a positive next chapter with happier seasons to come.

The post 7 Tips To Reduce Holiday Stress appeared first on Divorce Magazine.

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living with your spouse during divorce

5 Tips To Help You Remain Sane While Living With Your Spouse During Divorce

living with your spouse during divorce

 

Some state laws require that two spouses live apart for a certain period of time if they want to file a no-fault divorce. In other states, however, you have the choice of whether one spouse moves out of the house or whether you continue living together as you wait for the divorce to be final.

If you choose to keep living together, you should keep certain things in mind that can help make the divorce process easier.

Should You be Living With Your Spouse During Divorce?

This is a highly personal consideration, and everyone should consider whether living under the same roof as her soon-to-be ex-spouse is right for her. First and foremost, if you have experienced domestic violence or believe you are at risk of harm by your spouse, you should ensure your safety first. You can leave, or you might be able to obtain a protective order that orders your spouse to leave the house and stay away from you.

If domestic violence is not an issue, you could save money by continuing to have only one housing payment, a set of utility bills, groceries, and more. By saving money now, you might be in a better position following your divorce.

In addition, if you and your spouse own a home together, you might not want to leave the home during the divorce. If you leave, it can be quite difficult to get back in and get property rights to the home following the divorce. Additionally, if you have children, both parents continuing to live together can provide support and stability, as well as help set the stage for healthy co-parenting following the divorce.

5 Tips To Help You Remain Sane While Living With Your Spouse During Divorce

Even though there are reasons why you and your spouse are getting divorced, it is important to set those reasons aside as much as possible if you decide to keep living under the same roof. You should always make an effort to do the following:

Never put the kids in the middle – When spouses argue, it can be all too easy to bring the children into the conflict or say bad things about the other parent to your children. Not only is this unhealthy for the kids, but it also can affect your custody determination. Courts want to know that parents sharing custody will encourage a healthy relationship with the other parent (when possible) and that parents will work together for the best interests of the child. Striving to get along and keeping your kids out of any conflict can only help the custody portion of your divorce case.

Work together with finances – Since you are theoretically saving money by continuing to share a home, you should try to make the smartest financial decisions to maximize the benefits of living together. Decide whether you will pay bills from a joint bank account or split the bills from each of your individual accounts. Remember that now is not the time for big purchases or vacations – no matter how much you might want to get away. Your assets and debts are still part of your marital estate, and wasting those assets or accruing new debts can cause complications for you in the divorce case.

Keep it civil – Spouses who are in the middle of divorce generally have many differences of opinion. However, constant disagreements and fighting can only make the divorce more stressful – or even more expensive. When spouses are civil, they can often agree on the major issues in their cases without court intervention. Doing so often saves significant money and time, as litigation is a costly last resort in a divorce case. If you are constantly fighting, your spouse may decide to cause complications in the divorce and refuse to cooperate, which can lead you right into court.

Give each other space – If you have come to the decision to end your marriage and see little hope for reconciliation, it is only natural that you and your spouse will start to drift apart – even if you are living under the same roof while the divorce is pending. It is not a bad idea to move into separate rooms if you haven’t done so already. In addition, you should cultivate a life outside of your marriage and encourage your spouse to do the same. If your marriage is truly over, you need to let go of expectations of how much time you spend together or what night of the week is “date night.”

Don’t Be Afraid to Move Out – If it becomes clear in a few weeks or months into your attempt to live together that it’s not going to work, do not be afraid of throwing in the towel and moving out (or asking your husband to move out, if that makes more sense). There is no point in making yourselves miserable for another few months while you wait for your divorce to be final.

Many people decide to live together while they get divorced, and there is no right or wrong decision in this situation. If you choose to live together, you should keep in mind how doing so might affect the outcome of your divorce case.

The post 5 Tips To Help You Remain Sane While Living With Your Spouse During Divorce appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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unpack your emotional baggage

3 Tips For Unpacking Your Emotional Baggage

unpack your emotional baggage

 

Most of us have been there at some point. Standing at the airline ticketing desk and crossing our fingers for a hopeful outcome as we place our bags on the scale.

But alas, our luggage has exceeded the allowance we’re able to check for free and we’re slapped with a hefty overage fee.

Our frustration, however, overshadows the reason for this limitation – to keep the weight of the aircraft less than a certain amount. If the plane is overloaded, it may not make it off the ground.

And even if it does take off, it will likely have trouble maintaining level flight. If we equate these concepts with relationships, romantic or otherwise, and simply use the term “excess emotional baggage,” we can often draw the same conclusion. If both parties are entering into a relationship with overloaded with baggage from the past, it is bound to have problems.

And if it manages to get off the ground safely, it still may have trouble maintaining level flight.

What is Emotional Baggage?

Emotional baggage can be many things, including:

  1. The misinformation we received about coping with grief and loss
  2. The poor habits we developed in past relationships
  3. The accumulation of well-intended communications gone wrong

Emotional baggage feels like emotionally stepping back in time. Rather than reacting to a situation like a mature adult, we may react like a younger version of ourselves. And much like lugging a massive suitcase through a busy airport, carrying excess emotional baggage can be exhausting or even crippling, and demands a high price. Physical side effects (high blood pressure, headaches, insomnia, depression, etc.) aside, excess emotional baggage is detrimental to our behavior and attitudes and can harm our relationships.

Unpacking Your Baggage

Digging up the past isn’t easy, but it is a critical step in moving forward.

Here are a few tips to help you lose that emotional baggage.

  1. The first step to unpacking that excess baggage is to identify it. First, try and jot down some of the problems and conflicts that have surfaced in your life. How much of your time and energy is spent in dealing with these issues? How has your emotional, physical, and spiritual health been affected by the weight of these issues?
  1. Next, stop blaming others for your problems. You have to take responsibility for your life, your actions, and your emotions. The blame game won’t change anything. And this includes blaming yourself! Break the blame chain and you’re bound to escape this vicious cycle.
  1. Finally, extend forgiveness to yourself and others so you can truly let go of the hurt that you have experienced. It won’t be easy and a person may not be deserving or even ask for your grace, but it is crucial to paving a positive path forward.

Unlike luggage, we don’t have the option to pack up our emotions and ship them off to a faraway destination. We do, however, have the option to take charge of them and choose how they will affect us from this point forward. Choosing to drop our baggage can lead to a much stronger, more balanced life.

The post 3 Tips For Unpacking Your Emotional Baggage appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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6 Handy Tips to Help Deal with Holiday Parenting Time

6 Handy Tips to Help Deal with Holiday Parenting Time

For some divorced or separated parents, holiday parenting time may be a difficult time of year as their children may spend more time with the other parent and less time with them.

The post 6 Handy Tips to Help Deal with Holiday Parenting Time appeared first on Divorce Magazine.

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4 Tips For Hiring an Attorney During Divorce Mediation

4 Tips For Hiring an Attorney During Divorce Mediation

Hiring an attorney early on in the mediation process can be beneficial not only for educational purposes but also to help you make smart decisions during the mediation process.

The post 4 Tips For Hiring an Attorney During Divorce Mediation appeared first on Divorce Magazine.

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4 Tips to Help Children Enjoy Their Post-Divorce Holidays

4 Tips to Help Children Enjoy Their Post-Divorce Holidays

Let’s work on making holidays better for children of separated or divorced parents.

The post 4 Tips to Help Children Enjoy Their Post-Divorce Holidays appeared first on Divorce Magazine.

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Blending Families? Here are 9 Tips for You

Blending Families? Here are 9 Tips for You

Second marriages that involve children demand more preparation than first marriages. Not only do you want to be happy in your new marriage, but you also want your children to be happy. For those reasons, there are many topics that need to be discussed and issues that have to be agreed on before blending your […]

The post Blending Families? Here are 9 Tips for You appeared first on Divorce Magazine.

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transforming your life during and after divorce

5 Tips For Transforming Your Life During And After Divorce

transforming your life during and after divorce

 

Waiting for something awesome to happen simply means waiting. Absent movement and change, nothing awesome happens. Sadly, we often forget that without struggle there is no change. We as humans generally don’t change our habits, lifestyle, mindset or anything unless something hits us smack in the face.

Therefore, while divorce is undoubtedly a life changing event, recognize your power over the situation, your choices involved in the situation and hit the process back by using the time for self-awareness, self-love, and learning to truly be there for the only person we have control over- ourselves.

Divorce is certainly a difficult time but made more difficult by our self-loathing and self-beliefs. The rejection, the pain of being left, the fear of losing friends, family, and the only identity we feel we have is scary. But stepping back and taking the time to focus on you isn’t selfish, it’s necessary if this process and struggle is to provide you anything positive in your life moving forward.

If there was ever a time to be self-absorbed, this is it. Use this process as a time to figure out YOU.  What do YOU really want- not what others want for you or from you. Doing this will not only reflect compassion and care for yourself, but it will also teach you or assist you in learning the relationship we should all have with ourselves and often don’t and never do absent pain.

Too often in times of pain, we are inclined to substitute that pain with other people, places and things and only to end up in the same sad place we started, often more wounded and feeling less in control. Recognition of our responsibilities to ourselves and our ability to have a positive relationship with ourselves is the truest gift we can give ourselves.

To step back and find your true happiness alone gives you the power to be truly happy with others in the future.  Most of us, up until divorce or death, accept our place in the world without a thought as to whether we are true to ourselves and happy in this place. It’s just the place we envisioned for ourselves because of our own initial beliefs and outside influences showing us what happiness looks like. This is the time to reverse this for good and learn to be your own best friend.

Obviously I am aware that everything in this article is easier said than done. But for me, I have learned that almost every day I will face something that triggers my lack of self-love or will show me an area of myself that I haven’t learned to embrace and love. Every single day something in our life will occur that challenges our own belief system and until we learn the tools to lean on and take that control back, every single day belongs to someone other than the only person who will never leave us- ourselves.

Therefore, while there is certainly no easy and clear path to self-love (or I haven’t found it yet), there are certain mindsets and actions to practice during this difficult time that can transform your life moving forward.

Tips For Transforming Your Life During And After Divorce

1. Don’t Obsess on Your Weaknesses. Focus on Your Strengths:

For most people, if they receive one insult and ten compliments in a day they will focus on the one insult. When you feel that happening, step back, write a list of 5-10 things you know you do well or that you know are your strengths.

2. Focus on Yourself. Be Self-Absorbed:

During divorce and separation, our roles as parents change. The kids are no longer with us every day, every night, every weekend or every holiday. As painful as this is, and believe me I empathize very much as to missing our children, rather than using the time to socialize more and throw ourselves into a dating frenzy, take some time alone.  While socializing is certainly important, it continues our reliance on someone other than ourselves to validate our existence and importance and gives away our control over our happiness once again.

3. Be Determined To Gain Power Versus Focusing on the Loss:

It is incredibly easy when any relationship ends whether by divorce, death or even the end of a friendship, to blame yourself and engage in the “I’m not good enough” game. See that mindset for what it is – a game of self-defense and a means to make justify inaction. You get power in any situation or struggle you overcome if you focus on that aspect. It is, of course, easier to be a victim, convince yourself it’s your fault and you are unworthy, but remember that this is on you.

It’s safer to lay down and hide from our feelings, but it’s incredibly powerful and positive to learn to love ourselves even when it feels like no one else does.

4. Decisions vs. Conditions:

Practice recognizing the choice you have in the outcome of life. The choices we have daily to make ourselves happy.  See that for most of us we rely on the perception of “conditions” because it’s safer.  If we don’t see our actions and beliefs as choices but rather as conditions, we can theoretically have someone other than ourselves to blame.

Again, the risk in pain is there because we are owning our choices but the risk of gain and true happiness in our true selves can only come from seeing that most of our life is made up of choices, not conditions imposed on us like some life sentence.

5. Smile:

Smiling in the mirror at the one person who will never leave you is the biggest source of comfort.  We have absolutely no control over how anyone feels about us, looks at us, or views us.  Showing ourselves a tiny bit of self-love with a simple smile in the morning can go a long way.

Showing the world we love ourselves openly is not narcissistic but in fact, is showing the world of our ability to love others as well.  In other words, if we can’t smile at ourselves we certainly can’t expect anyone else to smile back.

The post 5 Tips For Transforming Your Life During And After Divorce appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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4 Tips for Getting the Most from Your Attorney During Mediation

4 Tips for Getting the Most from Your Attorney During Mediation

Consulting with an attorney can be a valuable component of an effective divorce mediation process. This article describes how to maximize the benefit and minimize the cost of attorney support during mediation.

The post 4 Tips for Getting the Most from Your Attorney During Mediation appeared first on Divorce Magazine.

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