It WON’T be easy, but it WILL be worth it.
The post 12 Survival Tips to Help You Survive Divorcing a Narcissist appeared first on Divorce Magazine.
It WON’T be easy, but it WILL be worth it.
The post 12 Survival Tips to Help You Survive Divorcing a Narcissist appeared first on Divorce Magazine.
Over the years I’ve mentored and coached a lot of women. Sometimes these are formal, ongoing relationships, other times it might be a quick cup of coffee, and then there is the “fly by” bits of encouragement doled out in quick tips in support groups. I was thinking about the questions I’ve gotten most frequently over the years and realized they all centered on ways to speak up.
Especially from women experiencing divorce. Some find it difficult to speak up and advocate for themselves and end up feeling defeated emotionally and legally. Whether it is divorce, relationships, career issues or anything else, if you don’t use your voice and share your point of view you’ll not have any role in life other than being a peacekeeper.
1. Raise a Ruckus
Make a statement, express an opinion. If your points are sound, let them fly!
Too often women sit back and stifle their own viewpoints in the name of peacekeeping. Remember, this isn’t about you, this is about getting to the best decision for you. Your viewpoints are essential to challenging groupthink. Play it out. You raise an opposing perspective. The group debates and discusses. At the end, they stick with the original idea. Now everyone, including you, is more comfortable with the decision. Good outcome. Alternatively, the group debates and discusses and decides to change course. Again, good outcome.
2. Say No & Multiply the Impact of Your “Yes”
Stop saying yes to everything! You are not superwoman. Both inside and outside of work, get better at saying no. And when you do say yes, ask yourself, “Can I multiply the impact of this yes and accomplish more than one goal through this single activity?” You might be surprised how easy that actually is. Listen to Stanford professor Jennifer Aaker talk about multipliers and how we can all rethink time. Only you can define how you spend your time. Being able to say, “NO” means spending time on things that are important to you achieving what you want in life.
3. Stop Using Submissive Language
To be most impactful, keep your language strong. Two words in particular often creep into women’s speech, and they aren’t particularly useful. The two words? “Sorry” and “just”. Think about these two sentences:
“I just need this one piece of information.”
“Sorry, but I need to find out where we are on that project.”
Compare that to, “Hey Dave, I need one piece of information to finish up my presentation.”
Or, “Mary, I’m calling to find out where we are on that project.”
Or, “Ex, your offer of child support is nowhere near the money I need to make sure our children are provided for.”
Without modifiers, both sentences are stronger. Which means the speaker will be perceived as stronger.
We’ve all done it. Last week I said “sorry” twice. And there was nothing to apologize for! We lessen ourselves without even realizing it. Amy Schumer has done an entire skit on the word sorry. It would be funnier if it wasn’t so true.
4. Demand Feedback
I met with a talented young woman recently and discovered that none of her male supervisors were giving her candid feedback. And she was giving them a pass on it because she didn’t want to create a kerfluffle.
Let’s be clear. No matter who you are, no matter how uncomfortable it might be for them, leaders are there to help you grow. It is their JOB to give you constructive criticism. If they aren’t, demand it from them. Ask about competencies, and then run down the litany of things they might be unwilling to bring up themselves. Appearance, manner of dress, vocal tone, speaking style, body language, and the list goes on. If they’re uncomfortable, make it clear that you aren’t.
5. Fill Your Own Well
I know many women who take care of everyone else around them, at work, at home, in their community and never take care of themselves. Whether it is time to exercise, read, connect with others, a hobby or a passion, take time to invest in yourself.
Hopefully, you already know what fills your well, the things that replenish you when you’re drained. For me, it is writing and painting, and lots of family time. They’re what I turn to over and over again when I am in most need of peace and recharging. And I don’t apologize to anyone for needing that. Why? Because I know I’ll be a better version of me, both at work and at home, when I return. In short, if I don’t do #5, numbers 1 through 4 get a lot harder.
So speak up ladies! We need to hear your voice. The world will be better for it.
The post Afraid To Speak Up? 5 Tips To Help You Find Your Voice appeared first on Divorced Moms.
So, you’ve done everything you need to get your dating profile ready for the world. You’ve touched up and perfected your bio, you’ve taken the perfect selfies, and you might even have a couple of matches already lined up to start chatting with; but then comes the biggest obstacle of them all; what are you supposed to say?
Easily the most difficult part of online dating is figuring out what to say, which can be a lot different to face-to-face conversations because it’s through a screen, and hey, what are you supposed to say?
1. Start Strong
It’s a well-known fact that sending a traditional and bland ‘hey’ or ‘hi’ is not the best way to start a conversation online and will probably end up getting your messages ignored. This is because, unlike in real life, you have information you can work with from their profile, so give it a spin.
“Start off with something nice, like ‘hey, how are you?’, or say hello in another language, and then including something from their profile. Don’t be too forward, aggressively flirty, or too complimentary, it just doesn’t seem to work” explains Danny Mac, a relationship blogger at Writemyx and 1Day2Write.
2. Use Profile Information
Not sure on what to say? There’s a whole load of information on the person you’re speaking too in their profile, so read it and show that you’re interested in them. Of course, this will depend on what’s written there, but feel free to ask a question about something, or say how amazing something is that they’ve done or how you’d love to do that thing.
3. Write Complete Messages
Writing single, one-sentence messages with not a lot of detail isn’t going to grab anyone’s attention and it’s certainly not going to get an interesting and engaging reply that you’re going to want to respond to.
Instead, don’t be afraid to hold back. In the past, I’ve sent messages that have breached the dating app word-limit twice and managed to get an interesting and detailed response back which really helps to drive the conversation forward.
“This is great for so many reasons because not only is there a ton of stuff for you to talk about, it also shows you’re proactive and willing to have a conversation to actually get to know the person, rather than just mindlessly wasting time and chatting” shares Jack Harper, a lifestyle writer and editor for Britstudent and Australia2write.
4. Be Personable and Concise
You’re both on a dating website, so there’s no real reason to hold back and not say what you think. Saying lines like ‘your profile made me smile’, ‘reading your profile, I think we’d get on really well’, or even something like ‘I think we’d make a really great pair’, is a great way to start. After all, you both swiped to match with each other.
Also, make sure you’re writing proper sentences and using proper grammar to talk. Talking in broken sentences with typos and mistakes can put people off.
5. Be Yourself
People are going to want to date you because they like your personality, so you need to make sure you’re showcasing this in your messages! This relates directly to every point we’ve listed above, and you need to make sure you’re not generic, and you’re actually yourself.
Of course, this is much more difficult than if you were talking in person because you’re using written words which can sometimes be hard to show emotion and feeling in what you’re saying, but if you don’t know, then this is never going to happen.
Talk about books or movies you like, talk about your profile pictures, talk about your passions and interests. Talk about your neighborhood whatever you want that represents you.
As you can see, there are lots of things to think about when it comes to writing your first messages on your dating app. Remember, just be yourself and the person you are, because if you’re not, the relationship is never going to work anyway. The right person who clicks will come along in time!
The post 5 Tips To Help Kickstart Your Online Dating Conversations appeared first on Divorced Moms.
When it comes to child custody battles, the deck is often stacked against dads. There are numerous gender stereotypes that work against fathers in all family law matters, but they seem especially pronounced in child custody issues.
The unfortunate reality is that child custody is the practice area of divorce that tends to cause the most heated disagreements. Divorce can impact nearly every aspect of your life, but matters such as property division and spousal support pale in comparison to the relationship you have with your kids. Far too frequently, dads are relegated to a secondary parent role when custody is determined.
If you are a father facing divorce and an ensuing child custody battle, it is best to take steps so that you are prepared for what lies ahead.
The single most important thing you can do to prepare for your child custody case is to hire a family law attorney who focuses on fathers’ rights.
There are a number of different factors you should consider when choosing a divorce lawyer, but first and foremost you need to make sure you find an attorney who understands the specific challenges men and fathers face in family law.
Fortunately, there are law firms out there, such as Cordell & Cordell, that are solely dedicated to providing dads the legal guidance and resources they need during the divorce process. These fathers’ rights attorneys are well-versed in the child custody statutes in your jurisdiction and equipped to navigate the treacherous minefield of custody battles you are likely to face.
If you are seeking sole custody or joint custody, it is vital that you show you are invested and engaged in your child’s life. This means knowing everything from your child’s school schedule to the names of their best friends.
As their dad, this is likely information you already know, but do not leave it to chance. A judge can tell the difference between a father who is intimately involved with his child’s life versus a dad who is a passive participant in it.
Divorce is such an emotionally trying time that many fathers find themselves desperate for a listening ear to vent their frustrations to. But no matter how stressful your divorce gets or how frustrated you get with your ex, do not rant and rave to your child.
Trashing your ex in front of your child can potentially lead to parental alienation, which is incredibly damaging. It can also badly hurt your child custody case. If a judge finds out that you are using your child as a therapist and turning them against their mother, they are likely to question whether you truly have their best interest in mind.
It is important not to keep things bottled up as you are going through the divorce process, but talk to a friend, a trusted family member, or a mental health professional such as a therapist or counselor. Leave the kids out of it.
When a marriage falls apart, it is difficult to avoid having some hard feelings towards your ex. However, regardless of what you think of her, it is for the best if you two can work together to have an amicable relationship post-divorce.
After divorce, you might wish to never even see your ex again, but that is not realistic when you have children. Although you are no longer husband and wife, you are still both co-parents and you are going to need to communicate on some level as you raise your child.
Review some of the best practices for effective co-parenting and try to implement as many of them as possible. Of course, good co-parenting is somewhat dependent on cooperation from your ex, and that is out of your control. If your ex is especially disagreeable, consider utilizing a parallel parenting model of co-parenting to avoid conflict.
It is a good idea to start keeping a journal recording important names, dates, places, and people in the lives of your children. You should also detail any negative behaviors from your ex that could help your case, such as engaging in alienating behavior.
Make sure you list precise times and dates. Attention to detail, or lack thereof, can make or break you child custody case.
Child custody laws can vary substantially from state to state, so one of the first things you should do is familiarize yourself with the custody statutes in your jurisdiction.
Paying attention to the fine print is tedious, but it is the only way to know what you are up against before your child custody hearing. Reading up on the latest custody laws can also help you figure out a list of questions to ask your divorce lawyer as your court date nears.
If you hope to win child custody you have to make sure you behave appropriately in court and follow correct protocols. Talk with your attorney about what is expected on the day of your hearing. It might even be a good idea to do some roleplaying with your divorce attorney ahead of time to ensure that you understand the expectations prior to your court appearance.
You will also want to make sure you dress appropriately to make a positive impression. Typically, you will want to wear something formal that conveys that you are well put together and a responsible adult.
When you are in the midst of a child custody battle, it is for the best to shut down your social media accounts across the board. There is not much upside to having those accounts open during this time.
Whatever you do, do not post any details about your case. You should be very careful about all the content that you post because it is very easy for someone to form the wrong impression without proper context. For example, you might post a picture of you and your friends having a couple drinks and the opposing party could use that photo as evidence that you are partying too much and not a responsible parent.
A temporary social media blackout is really for the best.
All holidays are tough in the first year post separation or divorce. Valentine’s Day can be especially hard for many new singles. Here are some tips to beat the blues on the so-called “Day of Love.”
The post Tips to Beat the “First Valentine’s Day Alone” Blues appeared first on Divorce Magazine.