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Can You Ever Trust Again After Being Abused?

Can You Ever Trust Again After Being Abused?

 

Many people in this community struggle to trust again after being smashed to pieces by an abuser.  This is completely and utterly understandable.

Yet, there is a way to turn all of this around.

There is a way to engage in interpersonal relationships, be confident, healthy and safe, and to be able to open up our hearts again.

If this is deeply what you DO desire and would love to know how to be safe to trust again, this Thriver TV episode is a must watch video for you.

 

 

 

Video Transcript

This is such a big question.

CAN you ever trust again after being abused?

I promise you with all my heart that you can.

And, even more than trust again after being abused, you can be more confident, powerful and capable of retaining your boundaries and creating trustworthy relationships than you ever were able to be, even before being abused.

Is this because you now know what to look out for and avoid?

Or is there a deeper and more powerful reason that you can be safe within interpersonal relationships?

Please watch on to find out!

Okay, so before we get started, thank you for supporting the Thriver Mission and promoting the awareness that it is possible to heal for real after abuse, by subscribing to my channel. And if you enjoy this video please give it a thumbs up.

Alright, so let’s get started on today’s episode.

 

How Trust is Shattered After Abuse

Abusers capture your trust. They are highly skilled at winning your confidence and making you believe you will be safe regarding your business, money, health, heart and soul.

It tears apart the very fabric of our lives when we begin to understand that this person is not trustworthy at all. In fact, whatever deal they have garnered with us was completely and utterly for them, at our expense.

Of course, after somebody has so deeply penetrated and violated your inner sanctum, you feel like you may never trust again.

After being abused you may feel completely disillusioned with humankind.

I remember doubting that I could trust anyone at all in my life.

I even believed, “humans are not to be trusted”. I know it’s likely that you have felt or do feel the same.

We can be forgiven for thinking this because the history of abuse and atrocities on this planet have been horrific.

We may even suspect other people in our life as being abusive and not to be trusted.

These are all very normal feelings in the shellshocked aftermath of abuse.

At first, this is not a bad thing, because after narcissistic abuse our most powerful position in order to get well is to self-partner and start self-healing.

The most important person we need to regain trust and connection with is ourselves.

This is a time in your life to shut down and heal. It’s appropriate to not let people deeply in right now. Yes, trusted people can help support you, but they can’t take the pain away for you, or do the inner work for you.

This is your time to heal and deeply learn how to trust yourself.

Let’s explore this necessity at a deeper level … to help you really understand it.

 

Our Life is Not About Trusting Others, it’s About Trusting Ourselves

Initially, this was a very difficult concept for me to understand.

I wanted to trust others. I wanted other people to be strong, solid and reliable in my life so that I could durably feel safe.

But what I hadn’t yet understood was that until I could feel strong, solid and reliable in my life, I couldn’t have experiences with other people where I could take care of and generate my own safety.

I wanted other people to look after my boundaries for me. I didn’t want to have to speak up. I didn’t want to have to be the one who would make the decision as to “yes” or “no” regarding important life choices.

I didn’t want to take control of the health and safety of my life. As a result, I handed my power and control of my life over to other people, including those who reflected back to me the lack of care of my life, that unconsciously I wasn’t granting myself.

I didn’t realise this immediately, I promise you.

And, as you know, this ended up very badly for me.

Thank goodness, I did realise the truth, and rather than blaming other people for not being trustworthy, I became fully dedicated to the mission of healing myself up to become the person who I could totally trust and ensure that my own values, health and life was respected.

I knew it needed to be up to me now, and I knew that I had a lot of work to do on this.

I healed so many of the fears that I had always carried inside of myself. And I addressed these, in the privacy of my own home on my own couch with NARP. This didn’t have anything to do with anybody else, it was firmly between me and me.

Then a startling transformation took place within me.

I realised that it was nobody else’s responsibility to treat me kindly, honestly and safely.

I realised that it was my responsibility to take my time to conduct my own life solidly and healthily.

Meaning, getting to know people at a healthy rate, rather than being so hungry and reckless for connection. Defining and expressing my values and truths and disconnecting from people who didn’t have the same values or capacity to meet me at the levels that were true for me.

What I discovered, as a result of this personal evolution, was that people who disrespected my boundaries and values and treated my rights with abuse and contempt, never were people who have the resources to be healthy for me anyway.

They were simply behaving as themselves!

These realisations created a huge shift in me.

Because no longer did my life feel like, “who and what can I trust?” I had taken my power back, I knew that I could trust myself and create my own life healthily, regardless of what anybody else was being or doing.

 

Is There a Need to Look Out For Abusers?

Within this huge shift, after cleaning out my traumas and feeling peaceful, safe and healthy inside, I no longer had the feeling of having to look out for abusers.

I knew a deeper more empowering truth now.

It didn’t matter who and what other people were, it only mattered who I was being within my truth, boundaries and values.

True to Quantum Form – the feeling must proceed the actual change in events – and change they did.

Now that I no longer had the horrible fear inside of me continually asking, “who can I trust?” Healthy, real and trustworthy people started showing up in my life.

Not people who were love bombing, pushy, manipulative and engulfing. Rather, people who were settled, calm, diligent and reliable.

These were not people with dark agendas, and who were getting bent out of shape, triggering anxieties within me, over things that most humans wouldn’t even blink an eyelid at.

But you see, I had become very different. The OUTER was matching my newly established INNER.

The truth was I didn’t even have any fear or condition over ‘who’ people were anymore – because I knew I could and would deal with it.

No longer was I ever going to abandon my Inner Being and my gut feelings. I was now committed to showing up honestly, meaning backing myself and asking the difficult questions and asking for verification and doing the due diligence to never put my finances, heart, soul and literal life on the line again.

My motto was – be sensible with boundaries whilst being openhearted, proceed at a healthy pace if all good, and investigate honestly anything funky, and let go of people and situations which do not align with my Inner Being’s values and truths.

The Universe was extremely helpful in my newfound evolution. I was sent some dodgy people. I was delivered some incidences and situations where I could have easily been taken in again if I had abandoned myself.

I promise you there were still people who got through the cracks. But it only ever happened when I was too busy or too involved with other things to not do my due diligence properly.

Or when I dismissed my inner feelings and didn’t follow them up.

We always get the warnings!

 

The Confidence Trusting Yourself Grants You

I really want you to feel the incredible shift in your life that will occur when you deeply understand that no one else is responsible for your life apart from you.

This I want you to know with all my heart, there are beautiful and incredible people in the world.

This is not about having to have perfect people in your life for you to be safe. This is about you journeying with people who have the basic decent human values to be good people and then grow with you as a result of you being honest about your values, rights and truths.

When you are prepared to be this person who leads the way with honesty and respect for yourself, you give permission for others to do the same, and then you will start to have the most satisfying, gratifying and loving relationships of your life.

Then, you can start to open your heart and enjoy your interpersonal experiences. This is because you know if things were to change and one day someone did not share the same values as you, you are already self-partnered and whole enough to let go and move on, and keep creating your life with what and who does.

Only then are you truly free to live and love, without fear and pain.

I promise you, it is not until you stop fearing change or loss that you can be free to love, and this is only possible via the inner healing with yourself.

When you achieve this, you know that you have finally come home to the truth.

I hope that this is inspiring you to know that it is possible to have healthy and happy relationships after your trust has been shattered.

In fact, you will be able to reinstate your ability to love and connect with people in ways that you never thought possible – far more healthily than even before suffering abuse.

If you want this with all of your heart, and you are ready to come on this journey to get to where I am, as well as so many other Thrivers, then click this link.

I hope that this has really helped, and if you like this video please make sure to give it a like and share it with people who you know are struggling with trusting again.

And as always, I so look forward to answering your comments and your questions below.

 

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time to trust again

When Is It Time To Trust Again?

time to trust again

 

Have you ever gone to the animal shelter and felt a connection with the animals waiting to get adopted?

My daughter wanted a dog so bad and had literally been asking me for years. My usual answer was, “I can barely feed two children, what makes you think I can afford feeding a dog too?”

But after many years of pleading, the time had come, and I was ready to say yes. As we walked through the little concrete cubicles that housed dogs of all shapes and sizes, each one looked up at us with a longing in their eyes that said, “Hey pick me, I’ll be loyal!” Or, “Hey pick me, I will love you forever! I promise!”

What were their stories and why were they there?

Were they too old? Too fat?

Too crazy or too sick?

Or just too much?

Why would a family, give them away as if they never mattered? And how was it okay that they are relegated to leave their safe beds at home only to now sit in a cold concrete cubicle?  How would they ever trust again?

I soon realized as I walked throughout the complex that I was filled with emotions. Perhaps, I had felt a kind of kinship to them. I knew what it felt like to expire your usage to someone you once trusted your life with. I too was discarded by a husband who no longer needed me. He literally said that to me.

So now the impetus of getting a dog had changed. Their plights resonated with me and I wanted to save them all. How would they ever trust again? I understood the looks in their eyes. I too asked, “How will I ever trust again?”

Whether you have experienced a tough divorce or an amicable one, it doesn’t really matter. Your trust has been shaken to its core and it can be tough to find your way back.

When Is It Time To Trust Again?

Starting the journey on the road to trust

How do I trust myself .and my choices? That is the first thing I said to myself when I started to think about dating again. I had obviously chosen very badly to have spent so many years with a man that never really wanted what I wanted. It wasn’t until we were all in and married for a few years that I started to see this.

He said all the right things and outwardly did all the right things. But inside I doubt that he wanted any part of it and I don’t think he ever wanted to be married to me. I honestly do not understand why he did. My gosh, I was young, cute and a new college graduate and I had plenty of options out there.

But for some reason, he couldn’t tell me. All along he just fooled himself and made me believe his lie. He had no intention of giving up his dating life and who better to marry than a stable, sweet girl who comes from a solid family and has a good soul. Oh, and did I mention, was kind of naive too?

The best way to cheat on your spouse is to marry someone who is naive. When he cheated on me the first time and my son was 2 years old, I forgave him and felt virtuous in saving my family. When he cheated on me the second time when our second child was only 4 weeks old, I felt like the Village Idiot. So onward I go to find the road back to trust.

The first man I dated was wonderful. He was tall and handsome and was a family man. He had four kids of his own and I saw every day what an amazing father he was. But he too was broken. He didn’t want his divorce either and so two broken people were attracted to each other with a common denominator that wasn’t solid. So, as the relationship started and stopped and started again over a period of 5 years, we both realized that as much as we cared for each other we were not, “the one”.

It was nice to be treated well in the start periods, but it didn’t feel so good in the stop periods. We were both veiled in insecurities that were planted and cultivated by our ex-spouses. When the day came that we finally parted our ways, we both had grown up in our divorced status and in that growth, we grew apart as well. He ended up marrying someone quite different than me, so I guess that confirmed my belief that we were not a good fit. He was a man for that time that it took me to a new knowing of myself. And I am grateful for that experience.

So, how do I trust another man?

The second man I dated, was also tall and handsome. He was fun too. But he too had stuff that needed to get worked out. We are all such broken toys after divorce, but this one had been through divorce twice already. I don’t know how anyone does it more than once.

For me, once was quite enough. He was sweet but had loads of insecurities that manifested itself in always needing to be validated by women. For example, he took me to a Christmas party. As soon as I walked in with him, he made a hasty left and next thing I know he is in the middle of a harem of women. He loved their adulation and it was a turn off to me  I tend to be more intellectual, so I sought out the people who wanted to talk to me.

That was the ebb and flow of our relationship for a while. I kept stepping away and he kept drawing me back in. The reason I got drawn back in was because outside of his womanizing insecurities, he really was fun, he was romantic, and we would get into these deep conversations about life and it sort of fed my need for intellectual stimulation too. The experience brought me to the next step on my path and still a deeper connection to what I was looking for. But alas, he was not. “the one” either.

Third time is the charm?

The next man I dated was far more mature than both men put together. He was a smart C Suite Executive who had reached a place in his life that he wanted to feel joy which he said he hadn’t felt in forever. He was married for about 20 years and his sons were both finishing college. He was a class act. He knew he needed to step away from his marriage because he was not happy, but he didn’t do it with cruelty.

He supported his wife and sons and never made them move out of their home. He never asked her to pay for their tuition. He never treated her with disrespect and have his sons watch that from afar only to have that be part of their blueprints. No, he was a man of dignity, intelligence, and integrity. But he too was not, “the one”. It wasn’t that I thought we couldn’t make a go of it. I think we could have at some point. But he was too new into his separation and was not even officially divorced.

I had time to test the waters. He hadn’t, and I knew he needed to do this for himself. If we were going to ever be together it would have to be after he had the chance to sew his wild oats. But he wasn’t going to do it on my watch!

So, now I venture on to my quest to meet someone who I feel I can trust. I realize that the first person I need to trust though, is myself. I know that I am not willing to give up my integrity and self-worth to any man again. I also know that it’s time to let go of the fear and take a chance on someone.

He may be a bit broken too by virtue of the journey he has experienced and that’s okay. I have become reacquainted with my former self before marriage. I was cheerful and confident. I didn’t rage on worries year after year. I looked at life from a positive…anything is possible set of eyes. All of which were lost in my marriage. I see it now.

I may not be the new college graduate any longer, but the woman I am today has been shaped by the sum of all the experiences of the past. I am still the woman who deserves to trust and to be trusted.

I am still the woman who wants to have joy in her life and longs to share it with someone that is easy to be with and who can also challenge me.

And I am still the woman; naive as I still may be, accepts herself, flaws and all and deserves to be loved 100%! There are no rules for timing. It must happen when your own stars align. For me, it has taken many years to be ready. I may have dated, but in that time, I never really invited anyone into my life and into my family. I was too exhausted raising a family alone to really give it all of me.

And these men I dated didn’t jump up and down with their hands raised, telling me they were committed to me and ultimately to my children too. Because if you date me, you date the whole package. Maybe by not letting them all the way in, it precluded them from fully committing. I am okay with my decisions though. I was not ready. I am now.  As the Nora Ephron line goes in, “When Harry Met Sally”…..”Somewhere out there is the man you are supposed to marry. And if you don’t get him first, somebody else will. And you’ll have to spend the rest of your life knowing that somebody else is married to your husband.”

So when the time is right, take the leap of faith and flex your trust muscles again and go for it!

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