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8 Surprising Ways Divorce Affects Health and Wellness

8 Surprising Ways Divorce Affects Health and Wellness

Divorce is synonymous with overwhelm and not only due to the details of reaching a settlement. Collateral damage often occurs in divorce’s impact on a person’s health and is often neglected. It is something that might not even be a consideration, but must be one.

The post 8 Surprising Ways Divorce Affects Health and Wellness appeared first on Divorce Magazine.

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christmas gift battle

3 Ways to Win the Christmas Gift Giving Battle With Your Ex

christmas gift battle

 

My ex always tries to one-up me when it comes to gift giving. One year, he asked me to let everyone on my side of the family know that my son was not allowed to accept video games as a Christmas gift. He then explained that my son was grounded and unable to play video games until he began to mind his manners at home.

His Christmas wish list was mostly comprised of video games, but we scrambled to find him toys and books that he might like instead in order to respect his father’s wishes.

As I had done in previous years, I tried to coordinate shopping efforts to avoid duplicate presents. Up until Christmas Eve, my ex still claimed that he had not gone Christmas shopping. Later, I found out that he had lied and purchased the video games from the original Christmas wish list by my son.

Does this sound familiar? While I was baffled by his deception, it did not overshadow the wonderful memories we created that Christmas. So, how can you win the Christmas gift giving battle with your ex?

3 Ways to Win the Christmas Gift Giving Battle With Your Ex

1. Keep the spirit of the holiday season.

“Your children need your presence more than your presents” (Jesse Jackson). Gift giving is an essential part of the holidays, but not the most important part. Figure out what makes this holiday special to you. If you were raised in a traditional Christian home, you may have been taught to observe Christmas as the day that commemorates the birth of Jesus Christ and participate in religious ceremonies. If you are not religious, you may simply dedicate Christmas day to celebrating love, kindness and togetherness amongst friends and family.

Either way, Christmas is a day to create loving memories with your children. Keep the spirit of joy. Do not let anger and resentment about perceived wrongdoing by your ex keep you from enjoying what is most important.

2. Master the art of unique gift giving.

It is not the gift that counts, but the thought behind it. Buying the latest video game is too easy. Think outside the box and locate unexpected gifts by actively listening to your children. Did they marvel at something as simple as a cool pair of house slippers you spotted one day while shopping in Target?

Make them feel special by putting together a gift set with the slippers, a matching robe, nighttime snacks and a pack of hot chocolate for a thoughtful Christmas Eve present. They will know you were listening and that you care enough to put some actual effort into your gift giving. Or, go for individual touches like preparing a Christmas stocking full of age appropriate trinkets you know they’ll appreciate (such as Angry Birds plush toys for young ones, or Apple iTunes gift cards for your older children).

3. Remember that it is not about you.

“Things which matter most must never be at the mercy of things which matter least” (Johann Wolfgang von Goethe). What matters the most is that your children are happy. Focus on making their happiness the priority. Think back to your fondest memories of Christmas. It is impossible to remember every gift you received, but you probably remember the experiences you shared with those around you.

Keep that in mind as you strive to do the best you can for your children, no matter how much money you spend or how elaborate the gifts. Mark this as a time in which petty annoyances by your ex become less consequential and start to establish a pattern of positive thinking that will not only win you the battle but may even win you the war.

The post 3 Ways to Win the Christmas Gift Giving Battle With Your Ex appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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Top 3 Effective Ways to Heal Yourself After Divorce

Top 3 Effective Ways to Heal Yourself After Divorce

Getting over a divorce could take years. You certainly wouldn’t want to let your divorce control your emotions or your ability to live a normal life for that long.

The post Top 3 Effective Ways to Heal Yourself After Divorce appeared first on Divorce Magazine.

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3 Ways To Get Any Narcissist To Leave You Alone

3 Ways To Get Any Narcissist To Leave You Alone

 

Many people will tell you that a narcissist will never stop harassing you and this could be your experience too.

It was mine until I discovered three powerful ways to get ANY narcissist to leave me alone.

In this Thriver TV episode I am going to share with you exactly what to do to get a narcissist completely and permanently out of your life.

And if you are co-parenting or this person is a family member I will share how to get them to detach and stay away from you.

 

 

Video Transcript

Today is a very cool day. Because we’re going to talk about three incredibly powerful ways that you can get any narcissist to leave you alone.

Maybe you are not at this stage of wanting a narcissist to leave you alone, but if you are, this episode is totally for you. And even if you aren’t, I hope that by the end of the episode you will be ready to activate these three wonderful tips that I’m sharing with you today.

Okay, so before we get started, I’d like to thank all of you who are so wonderfully supporting the Thriver mission by subscribing to my channel and remind those of you who haven’t to please do. And, if you like this episode make sure you give it a thumbs up.

Okay, so on with this episode!

 

Why Do We Need Narcissists To Leave Us Alone?

The reason we need narcissists to leave us alone is because there is nothing to gain from trying to engage with a narcissist.

You can’t talk sanity into insanity. The more you try to reason with a narcissist, make a deal with them, try to plead with them, or lecture and prescribed to them, in other words grant them any of your energy whatsoever, it just makes matters worse. The only way to regain your sanity, soul, and life and win against a narcissist is to withdraw all of your energy, and focus on your own healing.

That’s when you will get free from this horrible experience and evolve and elevate yourself into your True and New life.

But, what if a narcissist won’t leave you alone? What if he or she seems hellbent on pestering you, continuing to abuse you and just won’t stop doing it?

So many people think and report that a narcissist will never stop doing what they’re doing to them, but I promise you this is not true. There are surefire ways that you can get a narcissist to leave you alone, regardless of ties that you think may bind you for life to him or her, such as sharing children together.

So, let’s check out how to do this.

 

Number #1 – No Contact

No Contact is not just essential to get a narcissist to leave you alone, No Contact is also vital to grant yourself the space to start healing from a narcissist.

No Contact is easier said than done. We all know how difficult it is to stay away from and repel the narcissist’s hoovering attempts and stop the ways that he or she can trigger you into breaking no contact, and all the other sneaky tactics that narcissists use to get your attention and ego feed from you.

This is where number three and number one are deeply interconnected, and I’m going to be explaining more about number three when we get to it. Suffice it to say that when you master how to emotionally manage yourself successfully enough to keep No Contact with a narcissist, then he or she runs out of the fuel to keep abusing you with.

Narcissists need a payoff for their efforts and the prize is always narcissistic supply. If a narcissist knows that he or she affects you, then the narcissist believes that he or she is significant, and that is the exact fuel that keeps the narcissistic cruel, malicious, attention-seeking, punishment cycles continuing.

Please know this: there is no greater insult to a narcissist than when they are no longer gaining any attention, energy or reaction from you.

It’s so important to understand that an energy exchange with a narcissist does not need to be physical and literal. Even if you are checking up on the narcissist, without him or her knowing, there is a psychic phenomenon occurring whereby the narcissist is still receiving your emotional energy through the ethers.

If you still feel emotionally hooked in, affected and traumatised by the narcissist – which is evident if you are still obsessing about him or her, then the narcissist is still getting energetic narcissistic supply from you. This grants the narcissist the fuel that allows him or her to continue violating you.

Again, this is exactly why number three, which we are going to talk about soon, is so vital.

 

Number #2 – Anti Fear

I love anti fear. It’s beyond powerful.

This is the next step up from true No Contact, and number two also requires the self-dedication to step number three.

Anti fear means that you have purposefully eradicated every part of yourself that has been buying into the illusion that the narcissist has power over you and is, on their own, capable of annihilating you, making your life a living hell, or destroying everything that you thought your life could be.

When we go Quantum, and wake up out of the trance, we realise the truth – that the narcissist is a deep soul experience causing us to meet outside of ourselves the fears and insecurities that were all along buried in our subconscious interior.

A startling thing happens when we stop trying to manage the fear by battling the narcissist (which of course breaks rule number one No Contact, literally, emotionally and energetically) and instead turn inwards to manage (which really means eradicate) the fear that we are feeling inside of ourselves.

This creates a massive shift in consciousness. Without our internal trauma, we see things clearly as they are, as the truth of the matter. We become wise; we know that the narcissist is in fact an insecure, powerless individual inciting and using our own fear against us.

We sense a deeper power and presence that rises up within us that applies to all of Life itself.

This is … that there is a benevolent, solid, all-loving force that is positioned to unfold what is right, true and wholesome when we understand how all of life works. If we are being self-partnered then all of Life follows.

By releasing ourselves from our inner traumas and fears, we know how to show up, we stop dimming down, playing safe and handing our power away trying to appease narcissists so that they stop hurting us.

Rather, we rise up and stay true to our values and our boundaries regardless of what somebody else is or isn’t doing. We are no longer scared of other people. We are willing to lose it all to get it all. We understand that living outside of our own personal integrity never ends up going well. And we know that when we align with personal integrity and be what we wish to receive from life that we produce our most powerful and complete results.

The shift is miraculous.

This integrity centred living is so authentic and powerful, the effect it has on a narcissist is as annihilating as shining a bright light onto a vampire. The narcissist as a false self can only operate in the shadows; they can only do what they do when they are using your fear, heartbreak, guilt, and insecurities against you.

When you emerge solid, confident, powerful and unemotionally expressing facts, without any of the previous trauma derailing you emotionally, that is when narcissists come undone.

Here is the fact that you need to know: if a narcissist cannot have the upper hand emotionally and energetically against you, and can no longer emotionally derail you, then they have lost the fight.

Without you acting out of your dishevelment the narcissist becomes painfully aware of their own. This is when it is time for the narcissist to exit the scene, no matter the cost, and take their disordered self into another environment whereby they can extract narcissistic supply and significance again.

Since working to help people become empowered against narcissists, I have been amazed and thrilled to see previously relentless narcissists, submit, capitulate and hand over whatever is necessary to get out of the lives of people who show up powerfully without fear.

Absolutely this happens regularly in this community with property and custody settlements, with the people who work with NARP (Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program).

Narcissists are broken children in adults’ bodies trying to bully and intimidate their way into position; they are no match for someone powerfully embodied in an adult body.

 

Number #3 – Energetic Detox

This is the underpinning to all of it. The most powerful way to get a narcissist out of your life, and to completely leave you alone, is by detoxing him or her out of every vestige of your inner being.

This is because of the absolute Quantum law – so within, so without.

When this person doesn’t exist for you, for real emotionally, this person will not exist for you.

Can you imagine what it will be like when you don’t even think about this person?

Can you imagine what it would be like if somebody brought their name up and you had zero emotional reaction at all and the topic is something you don’t even care about?

Can you imagine bumping into this person and you feel nothing at all and by the time you have crossed the road, your mind is thinking about all the things that you need to get done today?

I can assure you, no matter how enmeshed you feel in the thoughts of the narcissist, and even if this has been going on for years or even decades, that 100% when you do the inner work to detox yourself from a narcissist, you will go completely free.

People ask me in disbelief all the time, ‘How can you not think about the ex-narcissists in your life?’ My answer is this, “I did the inner work. I loaded up, released and replaced every single thing about those people that hurt me, or that I was obsessing about. That’s how. Then nothing about them existed anymore.”

You may think that this is not possible until you start doing this work and discover just how possible it is.

You may think that if you are co-parenting, or that you have a business with the narcissist or that if this is a narcissistic family member that you need to see at functions, that this is impossible.

Yet, regardless of the situation, when you detox this person out of your inner being, you will discover how this person will dissolve out of your experience.

The narcissist detaches, moves away, gets another job, is brought to justice, and stops harassing whilst co-parenting. You name it, it is possible. Life has unlimited ways to start matching your inner being.

So I hope that this Thriver TV episode has explained to you the three most powerful ways that you will get a narcissist to leave you alone.

Less is more – less combating the narcissist and more doing the feeling and empowering work on yourself.

Do you understand?

If you do, write below, “You get less of me, and my inner being gets more!”

Are you ready to be done with this and get a narcissist out of your life? If so, come with me on your incredible journey of self, by clicking this link.

And, if you want more of my episodes please make sure that you subscribe to my YouTube channel so you will be notified as soon as each new one is released.

Please also share this information with your communities, especially those people who are deeply enmeshed and stuck in the trauma with narcissists who won’t leave them alone.

As always, I look forward to connecting with you in your comments and questions below.

Oh and … It’s the first event of my Oz tour tomorrow …  Sydney I can’t wait to see you all – I’m so excited! There is still time for tickets for Melbourne and Brisbane – to which you can get your tickets here: melanietoniaevans.com/oztour

 

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6 Ways To Make The Holidays Less Stressful

6 Ways To Make The Holidays Less Stressful

With the holidays comes a lot of different problems related to stress and anxiety. By following a few of these tips you can go from dreading to enjoying the holidays.

The post 6 Ways To Make The Holidays Less Stressful appeared first on Divorce Magazine.

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Am I Being Trauma Bonded? 4 Ways To Know

Am I Being Trauma Bonded? 4 Ways To Know

 

Trauma bonding feels like love, it feels like you will die without someone and that you won’t get over the fact that you can’t have a happy and healthy relationship with this person.

I promise none of this is true.

I don’t think anyone could possibly have prepared themselves for the intense, inexplicable and deadly bonding experience that happens with a narcissist.

Today, I want to share with you the four ways to know that you are trauma bonded, as well as how to free yourself from the deadly grip of being trauma bonded to someone who is destroying you.

 

 

Video Transcript

Trauma bonding is terrifying for people.

If you are trauma bonded you will experience the feelings of wanting to stay connected and fix a relationship, regardless of how much this person is hurting you.

And, this may shock you and stun you.

You may be tormented beyond measure thinking – ‘Why do I love you so much when you abuse me like this?’

It feels like love – yet I promise you it is not.

In today’s TTV episode I am going to explain to you the four ways that you can know you are trauma bonded and how to get out of this terrible powerless state.

Okay, so before we look at these, I’d just like to thank everyone who has subscribed to my channel and for supporting the Thriver Mission. And if you haven’t yet subscribed, I want to remind you to please do so. And if you like this video, please make sure you hit the like button.

So, now, let’s look at how you know that you are trauma bonded.

Sign #1: Making Excuses for Abusive Behaviour

Truly, when you are making excuses and justifications for someone’s terrible behaviour then you are trauma bonded.

This could include focusing on the small things that are very basic common baseline requirements in any relationship, such as:

‘She tells me at times that she loves me.’

‘No matter how many times he leaves, he always comes back to me.’

‘We can sometimes laugh and have fun together.’

However, there could be things going on like horrific verbal and mental abuse, affairs, physical threats and violence – or whatever it is that means that you are being abused.

Cognitive dissonance is common amongst abuse victims, and can include excusing someone’s poor behaviour because of feeling sorry about their childhood, or believing that it is your duty to help them or fix them.

The roots of trauma bonding may make you feel terrified to let a person go. You could feel dependent on them, and that losing them would be too excruciatingly difficult to bear. This could be because you feel like you may not be able to survive alone.

Maybe you feel like you will never again meet someone who you feel so connected and attracted to and you simply have to try to make this work.

Or maybe you don’t want to ever let go of the possibility of the relationship that you always wanted with this person, even though they don’t have the resources and you continue to be abused by them.

Whichever way it goes, if your emotional self is telling you one truth ‘I am anxious, depressed, sad, angry, hurt and traumatised’ and yet you keep making the excuses mentally to stay in the relationship, then this is a sure sign that you are trauma bonded.

Sign #2: As the Abuse Intensifies You Move Toward That Person Instead of Away From Them

You may be horrified to discover that when this person lashes out and does horrific things to you that you try to fix things.

Rather than have the ability to pull away and look after yourself, you may take responsibility and apologise, or even beg and promise that you will never again do whatever the supposed crime was that you committed.

You may throw all your rights and boundaries out the window to give this person exactly what they want from you so that they won’t leave you.

Or maybe you find yourself agreeing to any condition that is demanded in the hopes that they will stop hurting you and love you instead.

Or possibly, you can pull away at times yet when the situation is out of control, you are the one who is trying to keep the peace, hold things together, find solutions and salvage things – despite inwardly knowing that things don’t and won’t get better.

Despite your efforts, any reprieve is temporary and the issues happen again, usually with more intensity and increased frequency.

Sign #3: When Disconnected From This Person You Feel Like You Are Dying

If things do get so bad that you have to leave, and you are trying to stay away to save your life, or you are discarded and this person refuses to reply to your efforts at contact and you feel like you are dying – this is a sure sign that you are trauma bonded.

Being trauma bonded creates a hugely powerful peptide addiction to this person. Heroin addicts have stated that getting off a narcissist is ten times harder than getting off heroin. Once you read and understand my publication on peptide addiction, you will understand why this is the case.

When we feel like we are dying without a person, naturally we believe it is because we love this person so much. Or we feel indebted to them and guilty or responsible for their wellbeing. But any of these bonding emotions to abusers are not true.

Rather, it is because of the chemical addiction to the trauma we have received that is now hardwired through our system.

We realise these emotions don’t make logical sense. It doesn’t make sense because these obsessional feelings are happening deep within our cellular being, beneath the level of cognitive understanding.

This is why we exclaim in complete distress, ‘How can I love someone like this, when I hate what he/she has done to me?’

‘Why can’t I stop obsessing and feeling responsible for him/her?’

‘Why can’t I just let go and get on with my life?’

It is because of the peptide addiction that has infiltrated your being – which is a serious side effect of being trauma bonded.

Sign #4: When This Person Does Something ‘Nice’ You Experience Hope and Relief

There is an incredible phenomenon that happens with trauma bonding. It’s a chemical endorphin that is experienced as ‘the high of relief’.

This happens when he stops being abusive for a moment and cuddles you and tells you everything is going to be okay.

It can happen after being caught out cheating and he breaks down, tells you he has a problem that he wants your help with and promises never to do it again.

It can happen when rather than criticise and yell at you she stops and asks, ‘What can I do to help you today?’

Or maybe, rather than tell you all the things she doesn’t like about what you have or haven’t done, she comes home and has a normal conversation with you.

It is at these times you heave a sigh of relief. If the abuse has been horrific, these moments of reprieve may be in such stark contrast that you feel like you have won the jackpot.

You may feel there is hope.

You may feel blissy on chemicals that feel like love.

The feelings of heightened relief are exactly the trauma bonding feelings people have to any addiction – the relief from the pain of the actual thing or person that IS the addiction.

For example…

Poker machines – the payout grants relief from the lost money.

Cigarettes – the puffing on a cigarette stops the terrible pangs of nicotine withdrawal.

A narcissist – being ‘nice’ or even just stopping the behaviour grants relief from abuse.

The ‘high’ is an addictive endorphin.

What Is Trauma Bonding Really and How Do You Heal From It?

Trauma bonding is being connected to someone through your internal wounds.

When we have unhealed unconscious inner parts, they play out by us becoming attached to the exact people who play out these parts with us.

For example, my primary unhealed terrors were about abandonment and not being able to survive as a woman on my own.

The abusive people I picked seemed to be men that would never abandon me (engulfers) and also they appeared powerful, protective and capable (seemingly capable in the world).

What I faced again and again was being abandoned by these men (emotionally or literally), or me having to separate from them because the trauma of staying became bigger than that of leaving.

When I was unhealed, the trauma bonding was so extreme that I did feel like I was dying and would often return.

I also lost a great deal of resources and suffered terrible financial abuse in these relationships – bringing to life all of my terrible fears of survival and security.

I clung on and tried to force these men to fix these terrors for me, but they were never the saviours of these wounds – they were the messengers of them.

Until I let go of these men and turned inwards to heal my inner traumatised parts, I was powerless to stop the terrible addictions and traumatising I experienced through trauma bonding.

Today, after healing these parts with NARP, I experience healthy happy relationships that are kind, supportive and healthy, and I have absolutely no trouble in walking away from anyone who represents abuse because I feel whole, safe and powerful within.

I want the same for you too – and know what a huge difference in your life and relationships it will create once you get there.

I so hope this video has helped.

Okay, if you want to start getting aligned with these truths to boost and actualise your recovery out of the pain and into truly healthy, wholesome and fulfilling connections, then I’d love to help you.

You can start this journey today by clicking this link.

And if you want to see more of my videos, please subscribe so that you will be notified as soon as each new one is released. And if you liked this – click like. Also, please share with your communities so that we can help people awaken to these truths.

As always I am greatly looking forward to answering your comments and questions below.

 

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5 Ways to Cope With Divorce and Finally Move On

5 Ways to Cope With Divorce and Finally Move On

When you are newly divorced it feels as if your world has been ripped apart. Friends say things will get better; but how? Here are five things you can do to help yourself heal from the divorce.

The post 5 Ways to Cope With Divorce and Finally Move On appeared first on Divorce Magazine.

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4 Ways to Build Your Single Mom Community of Support

4 Ways to Build Your Single Mom Community of Support

single mom community of support

 

None of us can do everything by ourselves. We need friends, family, and community. But how many of these people can you reach out to who have an understanding of your life as a single mom?

How do you create a community of support when you’re juggling your children’s lives and all their activities, working, running your household and all that goes along with being a single mom, right?

You need a tribe, a group of friends and even some family members who’ll be there if you need a shoulder to cry on, someone to bitch about your kids to or help with childcare.

And, don’t forget that person to share a glass of wine or cup of coffee with. Someone you can talk about your latest relationship with, the new jeans you purchased or how damn broke you are. It all helps but when it comes to being a single mom and building that kind of community, it’s beyond difficult.

Ways to Build Your Single Mom Community of Support

Babysitting

Create a babysitting network with other single parent friends, offering to supervise someone else’s kids for an evening on a rotating schedule with all people offering same. Not only do you gain time away from the kids you build relationships with other single moms.

Facebook Page for Local Single Moms

Use social networking wisely. Join or create a Facebook page for local single parents. You can swap ideas, services, potluck dinners, meetups, the list is endless and can provide connections if you don’t have built-in ones through family or your kids’ friends.

My local single mom’s Facebook group has 63 members. We go hiking, kayaking, out to lunch, to movies, museums and have a book club that meets once a month. Since we’re all single moms’ effort is made to schedule activities based on member’s availability. If there is an activity that can’t be scheduled to suit everyone, we’ll do that activity twice to make sure everyone is included.

Church

Join a church. Even if you don’t consider yourself religious or the church-going type. Churches often have mother’s groups and provide daycare. Then you’re meeting people who are in the same phase of life as you and your kids get to have fun and make friends in the process too.

The church I go to has a once a month meeting of single parents. On the third Thursday of each month, we have a pot-luck dinner. We share a meal and have a gathering where no topic is off the table. We’ve talked about dating, sex, networking for careers and childcare amongst many other things. We even gave ourselves a name and had T-shirts printed up…Cornerstone Singles. Next month we’re all running a half marathon!

MeetUp.com

You can create your own single mom group on meetup.com. Or, explore groups in your community and join one that has already been created. The great thing about meetup.com is that you’ll find groups for all kinds of activities. If you’re into quilting, wine tasting, or just hanging out with singles in your age group, you’ll find it on meetup.com.

2-1-1

If you’re in a bind, and it’s not a traditional emergency, try dialing 2-1-1. Many states help through 2-1-1, which operates much like 9-1-1, but provides free referrals to local social service agencies, groups and organizations. Simply dial 2-1-1 from any phone and tell the operator what kind of help you’re looking for, and they might be able to connect you to community programs for single parents.

Building your supportive community as a single mom is critical. No one can do it all, and as single moms, we feel like we are expected to do everything.

A friend told me that this generation of parents is really the first generation that believes that we have to do everything. We work, take care of the home, take our kids to activities, review and help with homework, and everything in between without asking for help.

As a matter of fact, another friend posted on social media about how her mom was coming over to help her with her laundry and another woman with children scolded her for being a burden. We are conditioned to do everything alone and refuse to ask for help because asking for help shows weakness.

If you haven’t heard this yet, let me tell you that this is a lie! Don’t buy into the idea that you need to be strong, need to be able to do it on your own! Don’t miss out on critical rest or peace of mind because you are trying to be Supermom.

The post 4 Ways to Build Your Single Mom Community of Support appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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Paralyzed By Divorce Documents

Paralyzed By Divorce Documents? 5 Ways to Handle it Like a Boss

Paralyzed By Divorce Documents

Are you flooded with documents that have verbiage such as litigation, custody, child support, alimony, mediation, petitioner, respondent, hearing date, rulings, request for order, etc.? Just reading these words is enough to kick your anxiety into overdrive.

I remember a time when I did anything and everything to avoid reading court documents and attorney letters. The site of them would literally be enough to suffocate me.

It’s hard enough coming to the realization that your marriage is over. The proverbial body isn’t even cold yet and already you are getting slapped with way more than you can chew. More than likely one of you didn’t even want the divorce, but suddenly it becomes a race to get to the finish line. Whether you wanted the divorce or not, it’s time to get to work and handle your business like a boss.

Paralyzed By Divorce Documents?

Here’s what’s on your to-do list:

1.  Remove yourself from the victim mindset.  You can’t handle business if you are giving your emotions away, and you are stuck in blame mode. See this with different eyes. See it as if it were a business, and you and your business partner need to part ways because the partnership is no longer serving your vision.

I know this may sound cold and disconnected, but right now you need to practice detachment, at least until you find your power again. You have invested your energy in this marriage and now you need to energetically detach from it and take back control. If you want to know how to cut energetic cords check out my blog post right here

2.  Enlist a new ‘business partner.’ Someone you can trust that will help you see things without all the emotional baggage. It could be a friend, family member, coach, mentor, etc. Anyone who can be a pillar of strength for you and help you handle your business. I can’t say enough for the people who helped me through that difficult time.

I remember letting documents and emails sit for days with knots in my stomach, thinking, “I’m not cut out for this.” This was something I couldn’t avoid, but until I was able to find my power again, I needed support.

Be careful not to let just anyone on your team. Whomever you decide to enlist should not throw fuel on an already burning flame. They should be able to leave their own emotions at the door and detach from the outcome. This is how lawyers do their job. They really have no personal investment in your divorce. They are there to help you move through the process. This is exactly what you need, someone who will help you move through this process and not stay stuck in it.

You certainly can have your lawyer help you with this process, but in my experience, it is very costly, and you will just be one of their many cases they have sitting on their desk. Ultimately, this is your livelihood and your family, so you need to make sure you go over everything with a fine-tooth comb. There were many moments in my attorney’s office where they were talking at me, going over all the documents, and I left their office with my head spinning not knowing what just happened.

There were times I just needed someone to sit by my side and let me know everything was going to be ok.  Or, just sit with me as I read through the emails.

3.  Give yourself permission to practice self-love and self-care.  You may see things on those documents that are emotionally heavy. There may even be lies or elaborate versions of situations that make you out to be this terrible person. All of a sudden, this person you once shared a life with becomes a person you need to “protect” yourself from.

It’s a shame people feel they need to protect themselves instead of healing themselves, but the courts in my experience are not designed for healing. Healing is a personal journey that is yours and yours alone.

Self-love can happen when you switch intentions from defending to healing. Defending is a distraction. Defending is an external job, it’s on the outside of yourself. Healing, on the other hand, is internal.  My healing started with asking, “What do I need at this moment? What have I neglected? How did I get here? What still needs to be looked at? How can I give more love and compassion to myself?”

I remember being in a constant fight and flight mode. There was no resting period because my mind was racing at all the possibilities. I was in protection mode. I was surviving and trying to navigate in a world I didn’t feel safe in. When we don’t feel safe everything gets turned inside out.

At this time what you need is tender loving care. Try and find things to do that will fill up your gas tank when you are on empty. Believe me, I know this is hard, but you have to find moments of joy between all the chaos. Find things to do that will take your focus off the heaviness, even just for a moment.

4.  Use this time to reflect.  I love the saying how you do anything is how you do everything. Those papers, documents, and orders made me feel powerless. This powerlessness didn’t just show up during the divorce process. It was there my entire life, and I was forced to face it when I had no other option.

So, what else are you running from, and why? What else do you avoid? Do you avoid conflict at all costs? Are there other situations that you felt took your power away? It’s time to go deeper and see where else this is showing up in your life.

5.  Change your language! Your words carry so much power. Whatever you speak will become your reality. I want you to be very mindful about the words you are using that are describing your experience.  If you are using language such as;  this is exhausting, I feel paralyzed, I don’t think I can do this, this is draining me, I don’t have it in me…this will become your reality.

I get it, we aren’t all cut out to be lawyers. And yes, this process does change you. But, you are so much stronger than you think. Even if you don’t believe it right now in your body, start saying affirmations that empower you to change your mindset.

Say affirmations daily! I AM STRONG. I CAN DO THIS. I AM BOLD.  NOTHING WILL TAKE MY POWER AWAY.  I AM LOVED.  I AM FREE.  I AM GUIDED. 

You may not see it now, but divorce when handled with self-love, has the capacity to grow you like nothing else, but only when you are able to point the finger inward. You have an opportunity to look at where your triggers are and heal them. I am a firm believer that there are no winners or losers in divorce, only opportunities to heal and grow. 

The post Paralyzed By Divorce Documents? 5 Ways to Handle it Like a Boss appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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Is Your Friend A Narcissist? 5 Ways To Know

Is Your Friend A Narcissist? 5 Ways To Know

 

Do you have a friend who leaves you feeling drained, uncared for and even EXPLOITED?

Is the relationship one-sided, with you holding the SHORT end of the stick?

Maybe this person is just selfish and needs a talking to – where you are honest about what is going on for you, and what you really need to have a healthy and happy friendship with them.

Maybe you are too scared to do this or you don’t know how to start the conversation (or even want to have it).

Maybe you know deep inside that talking with them will never work, and would only make matters worse – because this friend is a NARCISSIST.

How can you know? In today’s Thriver TV episode, I’ll help you know and HOW to deal with them.

 

 

Video Transcript

Over the years many of you have asked me, ‘Do you think my friend is a narcissist?’

Or maybe you wonder if some of your peers, or even your bestie, might be just a tad (or a lot) narcissistic.

I haven’t done this Thriver TV episode before, but I really think that it is now time to deeply investigate how to know whether or not your friend is a narcissist and what to do if he or she is.

Okay, before we get started, thank you everyone who has subscribed to my channel for supporting the Thriver Mission. And if you haven’t yet subscribed, I want to remind you to please do. And if you like this video, please make sure you hit the like button.

Okay, let’s dive in.

#1 Puts Other People Down

One of the sure-fire ways to know that your friend is a narcissist is when he or she trashes other people behind their backs.

We all know that talking about people, especially for us women, is usual. But there is a big difference between discussing people with empathy and awareness and simply being derogatory, accusatory and nasty.

Does your friend seldom have nice things to say about people? Are they lovely to people’s faces and really happy to get what they can from them, but then pull apart their character, relationships, work-life, or anything else they can dig their teeth into, as soon as these people are not there?

If you are really honest with yourself, do you sometimes think, ‘I wonder what you say about ME when my back is turned’?

Be aware that this person might gush all over people at times, but this is during the idolising stage – the period when the narcissist’s ‘subject’ is granting them copious amounts of narcissistic supply and is the next best thing since sliced bread. It only lasts for a short length of time.

And, yes, this could be you if the friendship is new. But give it time, sooner or later you will become the person who is no longer ‘wonderful’ and is, therefore ‘terrible’.

#2 Is Entitled and Exploitative

Narcissists push boundaries – period. They feel they are entitled and they like to take. This can be very confusing with a narcissistic friend, who makes out that they are super-generous.

It could be with their replies on Facebook, their offers of support and their supposed generosity, love and care for others. Yet, if this person is narcissistic, they will expect renumeration for their efforts. At the very least attention and recognition.

Yet usually there is more…

If the narcissistic friend is parasitical, then in return for their efforts they may wish favours for free. Your time and resources or lunches, coffee and drinks, at your expense.

How do we know when a narcissistic friend is playing this game? They sit back. They let you pay. They don’t initiate picking up a bill themselves. In their head, they believe they are entitled to whatever they can get because they have earned it from you.

They don’t thank you – they just expect. And they don’t discuss reciprocating.

I have found that high-character friends not only speak up, but usually will also fight you in their offering to grab a bill! They also insist on delivering what is gracious and fair in the future. They don’t EXPECT!

A narcissistic friend’s entitlement could extend to many aspects of your life, whereby they will help themselves without the filter of checking in and seeing if it is okay or not.

Asking permission, or returning favours, especially when there is no audience or narcissistic supply to achieve, is not a narcissistic friend’s deal.

Also, they generally want to make plans with you on their time and will not put themselves out when it’s not convenient for you. Yet they expect you to drop everything for them.

But where is this person when you really need their assistance?

#3 Drains the Hell Out of You

At first, when this friend came into your life, there was their ‘I’m so nice’-bombing or some sort of exciting mutual shenanigans (narcissists love drama!), as a reciprocation of energy.

But now things have settled in beyond that initial period, you have possibly discovered that spending time with this person exhausts you. You may even feel ‘slimed’ after being with or listening to them.

Meaning that they dump a whole heap of toxic energy on you and suck your good energy dry.

Does this person, every time you get together, tell you another story about their victimisation?

Is this a person who has no respect for, and may not even ask about what is going on in your life, making everything absolutely about them?

Every time you try to talk, do they interrupt, take over and leave you feeling like you have to fight for air-time?

Narcissism is an energetic physic phenomenon. Truly, these people are soul vampires. If you are hanging out with someone like this, then it is unhealthy for you.

#4 Doesn’t Want Your Advice

Naturally, when someone you care about is always having dramas, issues and battles with people and life, you want to help them. And just as much as you don’t want to see them going through this stuff, which is soooo self-imposed, you also don’t want to have to keep listening to the same ‘crapola’ over and over!

Therefore, it would be normal for you to intercept with some good, old-fashion solutions to the issues at hand.

Maybe, if you have already Gone Quantum, and you know that life works from the inside out, you are trying to get this person to go within and heal the part of themselves that keeps playing out the same painful beliefs and victimisations, again and again.

But your words go through one ear and out the other.

This person doesn’t listen, butts in, doesn’t get it, or simply tells you what you need to hear so you think they may do something about it – to shut you up, so that they can keep banging on about themselves.

Yet each time you talk with them, nothing has changed. It’s the same drama; you are being dumped on all over again; and this person has not given one ounce of credence to your advice, let alone their own personal development and growth.

So repeatedly you get the same stories, complete with the same toxic, in-repeat, energy sliming you.

#5 Gets Nasty When You Have Had Enough

This last bit is how you TRULY know if this friend in your life is a narcissist or not.

What do narcissists do when they are presented with a boundary?

They do EVERYTHING they can to get under it, around it or to blow it up, and if they can’t they attack the person laying it.

The following is how to set a REAL boundary with a narcissistic friend:

‘(Friends name), I now love me enough to desire healthy relationships. I haven’t been honest with you about some things in our friendship that haven’t been working for me. It affects me when you do (what they do), and I know that for our friendship to continue I need to receive (what it is that you need) from you. Are you willing to look at this and work in with me, so that we can have a healthier friendship together? Because I know I can’t continue unless we can.’

I promise you if this person is decent, cares about you and has the resources to be conscious – they will own it, be apologetic and work in with you. They will want to change.

They may even thank you for helping them see something that they didn’t realise they were doing.

If this person is a narcissist, however, stand back and watch the three-ring-circus come to town.

Excuses. Justifications. Denial. Accusations. Even ATTACKS on your character and person. This is all about trying to get you to take the boundary down, eat it and choke on it, apologise and spin back to being a compliant, workable energy supply again.

And when you refuse to…

He or she may just be so ‘called out’ that they will do the famous ‘Poof, I’m gone’ narcissistic dump-and-run act. Which means, ‘I’ll block you on social media before you get to do it to me, and I’ll start smearing the heck out of you to anyone who will listen!’

Which is all to do with saving their precious ego.

Or maybe for a while you will be hoovered with attempted guilting, threats, appealing to your compassion – whatever it is that the narcissist thinks could get you re-hooked.

NONE of it will be about taking 100 percent responsibility and lifting his or her game.

I nearly cried laughing with an ex-narcissist friend, who a year after the showdown messaged me with ‘I have decided to forgive you!’

Typical (and hilarious!) non-existent narcissistic ownership!

Up-Levelling Friendships

We truly are WHO we connect with.

And what and who we tolerate is the level that our life will run at.

I know for many of you it is really painful to have to say goodbye to a person, or maybe even lots of people because you know they are narcissistic.

Try setting the boundary, and really mean it when you do.

You will have to be prepared to lose it all to get it all – there is no other way.

And, whenever you do this, you will have to be healed enough inside to truly move beyond victimisation to know that you ARE creating your life by setting the values and the limits that you desire as your life.

Then, I promise you, for every door that closes, ten more beautiful ones will open – when you truly get and actualise this.

To finish, I want to do a big shout out to this Community that it is soooo NOT true that my Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program (NARP) is just for people healing from Intimate Partner relationships.

The healing in NARP is for any and every narcissistic person in our life, because it is all about us healing within us, and becoming what we need to be as the Creators of a clean, empowered and truly interpersonal healthy life.

Many NARP members are working the Program to heal ALL SORTS of narcissistic abuse. In fact any type of narcissist or toxic or difficult individual. They do not have to be diagnosed as narcissistic.

If you are ready to get your happy, healthy, loving life, then I’d love you to check out my Introductory Healing Offer which you can do by clicking this link.

And if you want to see more of my videos, please subscribe so that you will be notified as soon as each new one is released. And if you liked this – click like. Also, please share with your communities so that we can help people awaken to these truths.

As always, I am greatly looking forward to answering your comments and questions below.

 

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