Loneliness, Another Narcissist or Something Else?

The Difference Between Toxic and Healthy Relationships

I’d love to wish you and your family a Happy Thriver Easter, and hope that this is a lovely time for you to connect to the important relationships in your life!

Today’s topic is very important because there is great confusion around what IS a healthy relationship. Many of us never knew!

Also, it can be very difficult to establish the signs of a toxic person. Initially, this can be very hard to ascertain and later, in toxic relationships, of course, there is the confusion of “Am I the one who is toxic?”

This is perfectly understandable because we were not taught ‘Healthy Relationship Awareness’ (wouldn’t that be a wonderful curriculum subject?). Our role models and forebears were also confused!


We Are ALL In This Together

No one is Perfect!

Let’s get very clear. This is not about getting righteous about “Hopefully, I am the ‘right’ person, and they are the ‘wrong’ one.” It is not that clear-cut. We all have issues and stuff to take responsibility for. Yet, even if you are still wounded, and therefore have susceptibility to toxic people, this does not mean you are necessarily ‘toxic’.

You may be like many of us have been: not yet self-defined, or clear in your values, deservedness and boundaries. Taking the position of ‘righteousness’ and ‘blaming people’ which states “I’m powerless and a victim”. Being a person who will continue to be victimised by toxic people until you can heal your values, deservedness and boundaries up to a healthy level.

Also, if you do not heal the need to hand power away to bad people, you risk remaining clogged up with trauma and becoming toxic.

Toxicity is a disease that spreads!

Let’s check out what toxic relationships look like.


The Cycle of Violence

Toxic is toxic, and there are some powerful ways that you can understand what this is.

Toxic relationships deteriorate over time, because they don’t have integrity – care, honesty, truth and cooperation. Without that integrity, any small cracks get larger and wider.

Toxic relationships create a cycle of violence – which doesn’t necessarily have to be physical violence – which goes like this:

Tensions build – the abusive event happens – separation happens, either emotionally or physically – reuniting occurs because of love-bombing or because the victim reconnects – there is a honeymoon period, hoping that things will be better – tension builds again – the abusive event happens … and so on and so forth.

In toxic relationships, this cycle gets faster, more impactful and more painful, until eventually the relationship breaks apart completely.

Okay, I know you may now be thinking, “I’m in a relationship EXACTLY like this! Does this mean I’m a toxic person?”

If you are in a warzone, you will do whatever it takes to survive. Many war veterans got sick, have Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD) and are highly traumatised because of what they saw and what they HAD to do.

If you are around a toxic person, you start doing whatever it takes to survive, and you get sick from the other person and your own behaviour. But in no way does this mean a toxic person is WHO you are.

So … who is the toxic person?


The Signs of a Toxic Person.

If you are with a toxic person, you often feel confused and uneasy around them. Their behaviour is inconsistent, and you do not know what they will say or do.

You start to doubt your sanity at times. Is this person manipulating you, or are you imagining things? Do you find yourself making excuses for this person? Are you rationalising away fearful or suspicious feelings about them? Are there things that don’t add up?

Trust these feelings because they are telling you something.

Are you feeling angry and triggered? These are powerful indications from your Inner Being that violations are happening. What happens when you speak up about feeling violated? Are your boundaries and feelings respected, or does this person use diversions, excuses and twist things back on you?

Do they get ANGRY at you, for you speaking up about what THEY did to you?

The more obvious stuff is this person does not apologise and will avoid it at all costs. They are incapable of genuine remorse.

A real apology is as follows:

Step 1: I am sorry (the magic 5-letter word) without using the word salad, “buts” or excuses and said time-appropriately.

Step 2: Stating what they did to you and that their behaviour hurt you, rather than saying, “I feel bad about MY behaviour.” (NEWSFLASH this was about hurting you – it’s not about YOU!)

Step 3: Explaining from their heart how they will do their best not to do this again.

You are more likely to flap your wings and fly to the moon than see a toxic person apologise like this. Their fragile true self will never allow them to be vulnerable and admit there is something they need to change about themselves. Also, it literally terrifies a toxic person to admit to being sorry – because it makes them feel that you will have power over them. They don’t understand how humility and care STRENGTHEN relationships in ways everyone benefits.

In a toxic person’s world – in their separation consciousness of “someone has to win, while someone else loses” – unity is unthinkable.

I want to help you get very clear – you are NOT asking someone to flap their wings and fly to the moon for you! DECENT people have no problem apologising appropriately, and if they don’t, they need to grow up if they want healthy relationships!

A proper apology does NOT arrive one week later when you are finally walking out the door. Or, after this person has abandoned you, tried another relationship that failed and then come back to you!

Anyone can make a mistake, but if you don’t receive a true apology, even from a non-toxic person, then you can’t feel safe and the integrity of the relationship is under serious threat.

We all know when people would rather be RIGHT than in a relationship with you. Your inner being knows that this person chooses pride rather than reform, does not care about your feelings, and will re-offend because they literally don’t accept that they did something wrong.

Another clear indication is that you feel like you have to explain and justify why you should have personal rights, as well as defend yourself against the accusations this person directs at you.

This person is controlling.

They try to run your feelings, mind and world.

Toxic people are deeply insecure and unstable. They easily take umbrage and lash out, abandon you, or do some other terrible act where the punishment does not match the crime. Especially when you try to hold them accountable.

Plus, the goalposts move. What was acceptable yesterday may have changed today.

If you are honest with yourself, you know that grown adults don’t behave like this. They are not as picky, insecure, demanding, entitled, suspicious, unreasonable, vengeful and quite frankly, SICK.

Now … of course, you have become sick. Sick people make people sick. This person is toxic, therefore, will not take responsibility for their wounded self that behaves like this. You are being gaslit, blamed, sucked dry, and made to feel guilty and responsible as you hand over more and more of yourself and resources to appease and settle down this toxic person.

It does not work. You give an inch; they take a mile.

They are never appeased, settled or ‘normal’,

You may take the lead by apologising for your part in things, but the toxic person simply will not  follow.

If you stand up for yourself, they may escalate, or back off momentarily, but the next storm is only ever a hairline trigger away.

It… just… does… not… stop. The cycle of violence continues.

Until it destroys you, or you pull away and heal.

One thing is for certain. If you are in a toxic relationship and you don’t wish to be, then it’s time to detach, pull away, and stop trying to force this relationship to work.

It can’t and won’t – but this doesn’t mean that you can’t have a healthy relationship in future, that does work.

What would that look like?



Healthy Relationship Cycles

Healthy relationships also have their issues. It could be argued that a relationship is not healthy unless there are disagreements and even arguments. What is different, however, is that the integrity of the relationship improves as a result of these times.

Let’s look at this cycle – tension builds – the painful event occurs (although this does not descend to the terrible lows of toxic relationships) – time out may occur (or not) – reuniting happens because of the desire to work things out as a team, which feels calm and solid rather than the high of relief that “hopefully things will be better” with a toxic person. Then that issue is often cleared up, and there is no need to fall into a painful repeat cycle.

Healthy relationships spiral upwards rather than downwards because issues are properly resolved with kindness, care, cooperation and unity (rather than separation) consciousness. Meaning, “I win, if we both win.”

The other distinguishing feature of healthy relationships is honesty, transparency, and the ability to apologise in real, time-appropriate and considerate ways. Trust is built. Conflict resolution becomes easier. Respect and loyalty are built. There is a greater ability to build life’s plans and be a team together.

A healthy relationship can only take place if both people are willing to place cooperation and healthy resolution as their goals.

This is why it is so important to be in a relationship with someone who shares your core VALUES and is a high-quality character who can express the values of integrity, care, consideration and cooperation.

Toxic relationships lack these values because neither partner knew how to define them or express them before conjoining. Toxic relationship foundations are always built on quicksand and doomed before they begin – because toxic people have very POOR characters. They don’t share or want your values.

I never knew this KEY truth until I did. Now that I do, I am passionate about showing other people the way home to Healthy Relationships – which is what my 6-week upcoming Quantum Dating Bootcamp – “dating your own soul to manifest your soul tribe and soul mate” – is all about.

What if your relationship isn’t harmonious, yet you hope it could transform? How could this be possible?


Healthy Relationship Boundaries

Its vital within healthy love, to love yourself more than the other person. You may shudder at this thought – especially after being taught the opposite.

You may say, “Melanie, how can this be about co-operation, teamwork and unity consciousness?”

I’m not talking about narcissistic malignant self-love which is “I’m all for myself, and therefore I’m going to manipulate, exploit and siphon you out for my agenda.”

Rather, I mean “I love and respect myself enough that I won’t accept unconscious or abusive behaviour from you. By loving myself enough, I know I don’t enable you to be unloving, and I can be full and healthy enough to share my love with you.”

What does this look like in real life?

It means if someone hurts you, then you show up being truthful about your feelings. If an apology is not forthcoming, you ask for an apology.

You may find this confusing. You may feel like you are asking for too much. But I’m not talking about demanding an apology for someone leaving something out on the kitchen bench – that would be petty.

I’m talking about someone saying or doing something that hurts you. In that case you have to have your own back by showing up and being honest about how you feel. If that person can’t meet you with care and humility then you have every right to say “I require an apology from you and until I have it, I need to detach from you.”

What you are asking for is safety, kindness and respect. If someone cannot grant you this, blames you for being upset about what they did, and would rather be ‘proud’ than care for you, then you have someone behaving toxically.

If they want you in their life, they had better snap out of it! We can ALL learn from this!

If they don’t and you continue with the relationship, then you are abusing yourself.

If someone lies, cheats, manipulates, steals, hits, name-calls or smears you behind your back, you shouldn’t even be asking for an apology. What’s the point?

People either have a good character or they don’t. You can’t teach an adult to have a good character. Who you choose is who you get.

No one is perfect. Most people have attachment issues and unhealed wounds, including ourselves. Through self-love, relationship honesty, care for each other and transparent communication, you can grow healthily in love together if you BOTH share GOOD core characters. You can lead the way with healthy boundaries to create greater trust, connection, and care.


In Conclusion

What I have shared with you today are qualities and truths that apply to ALL relationships – friendships, associates, close family members and of course our intimate love relationships.

Easter is about “renewal” – it can be a time of profound rebirth. If you know you’d love to up-level your relationships from toxic to healthy, then you may wish to join me for my upcoming Quantum Dating Bootcamp – where I am your personal Love Coach for 6 weeks.

This popular course helps improve ALL relationships in your Life, even if you are not ready to date!


If you have been feeling jaded, and wish to overhaul your health and refresh your appearance – which will have profound effects on your feelings of well-being – then I’d love to have you join me in my upcoming Quantum Makeover 4-week Course!

I’m SO excited about offering this to the ladies in our wonderful Community!

Was today’s article helpful? Did it give you some powerful realisations?

I hope so! As always, I look forward to answering your comments and questions below.


Loneliness, Another Narcissist or Something Else?

6 Steps to Achieve Your Soul Tribe and Soulmate

This week I have something different and extra for you! As well as a Thriver Article, I wanted to share a compilation of all six of my recent YouTube ‘Journey To Love’ videos. It’s a great chance to catch up on any that you missed.

The Thriver Article is a companion piece to the video, and it contains effective self-reflection exercises which take you step-by-step through how to generate healthy love in your life.

It also acts as a sneak preview of my Quantum Dating Bootcamp, which begins on 18th April, which is coming up fast. So if you want in on my secrets of how to become and create the True Love you deserve, the time to act is NOW!



Thriver Article

I am so thrilled to have achieved healthy love after narcissistic abuse.

Phew, it was quite the journey!

I wish it for all of us because this is our human and soul right.

Maybe you are in incubation and healing right now, and being introverted is completely right for you. Having this time to heal and look after you is so good. However, if you are ready to connect to people, and even possibly a beloved intimate partner, it may be your time to come out again.

When I first tried to do this I got hurt and re-traumatised, and needed to retrace my inner healing steps. After several scary and even failed goes, I discovered 6 steps that enabled me to connect with GREAT people safely.

These steps also led me to call in and connect with my soulmate Glenn.

Since then, I’ve shared these 6 steps with other beautiful souls who have been able to attract and create wonderful relationships with friends, business associates and intimate love partners, and happily up-level existing relationships.

I LOVE helping people with this after abuse because we need extra care, support and encouragement to open our hearts to trusting humanity and being able to love again.

My upcoming Quantum Dating Bootcamp will kickstart your 6-step training. Fundamentally this teaches you how to ‘mate your soul’ to create an empowered, Source-filled template that gives you the confidence to meet, identify, accept and navigate healthy relationships. What is lovely about these 6 steps is that they help you grow into personal freedom, blossom into radiance and melt away your previous fear and pain.

In this 6-week class, I also grant you the tools to call in your True Soulmate if you are ready for this – the person seeking you as much as you seek them. A person who is ‘the lid for your pot’ and accepts and loves you for YOU.

Yes, this person exists!

This can be done safely without ever putting yourself at risk of narcissistic abuse again.

The Quantum Dating Bootcamp starts on 18th April 2023, and some limited spaces remain. Check it out if this could be beneficial for you.

At the time of posting, there are only 2 days left to sign up.



Okay, let us go through these 6 steps together, and I want to share some exercises that can help you shift from toxic to healthy love!


Step One – The Foundation For Healthy Love

How do you create this foundation?

The first step is to let go of the belief that attraction and shared interests are the proper criteria for safe, loving, and fulfilling relationships.

Nope, they are NOT!

Narcissists are very alluring and magnetic, with expertise in mimicking what a target likes.

The foundation for healthy love is ‘inner-standing’ (standing in) the truth of healthy values and character.

Please see my list of VITAL relationship values:

Honesty, teamwork, self-solidness, authenticity, kindness and consideration, benevolence, spirituality, conscious conflict resolution (and more).

I knew that sharing these values with someone would be the GLUE that could make a relationship work. I also understood that having a healthy or safe friendship, business association, team meeting, or even close family relationship is only possible if someone has these values.

Please know your essential relationship values are NOT asking for too much! Good people have these characteristics. It doesn’t mean they are perfect’ – that doesn’t exist – but they have a good character.

You can’t change someone’s character as an adult – whom you choose is whom you get.

So now it’s your turn.

Exercise 1:
Write the healthy VITAL values you need for a safe and healthy relationship.

Please note that this may be hard for you to do. It may feel weird, foreign, unbelievable or even wrong. This is not about ‘faking it until you make it’. Permit yourself to declare where you want to go. Otherwise, it’s like jumping in a taxi and saying to the driver, “I don’t know my destination,” then they drive you around in circles or abort the trip altogether.

If this feels disconnected, your body wants you to know that inner work and growth will help you ‘inner-stand’ (stand in this as your truth).

In Dating Bootcamp, we do specific Quanta Freedom Healings to re-set your emotional inner self to this powerful intention!


STEP 2 – Becoming Authentic Narcissist Repellent

Of course, you could be terrified of opening up to people and being hurt again, but that is perfectly understandable after what you have been through!

In Step 2, there is good news and bad news. Let us start with the good news. There is a sure-fire way to repel narcissists easily. It’s a little understood Quantum Secret that:

If you are authentically YOU, you cannot match up with a False Self. You ying, they yang. ‘Opposites attract’ only applies to magnets, and science has shown it is not the case in lasting and healthy relationships.

Now here is the bad news. Being authentically YOU is the last thing you may want to do because YOU don’t think you are acceptable.

Virtually all of us, as little people, learned we were ‘too much,’ ‘not enough’, and even ‘defective’. So we dimmed down, squashed it in, and twisted ourselves into a thousand shapes to earn love.

And here’s the real ‘ouch’ moment: it was being a False Self (not ourselves) that made us prey for narcissists. Which aligns with the Quantum Law of like attracts like.

I want you to know the truth. You are an individual with a glorious soul. No person on the planet is YOU or has the unique gifts, energy and contributions you have to share.

As this, you are a fractal of Creation / Source, and you will repel anyone who is NOT real or connected to the authentic Source. You are a life force, and lower False Selves are anti-life. You being real is like a bright light shining on a vampire– it’s powerful narc repellent!

From this place, you will attract and have relationships with other real people who are authentic and who will love you AS you – including your previously so-called ‘unacceptable parts’.

When my higher channel (my spiritual guide) told me this was Step 2, it made so much sense. My family and love partners led me to believe that I was too much, too ambitious, too accomplished, too much of an achiever, too complex and far too opinionated.

If I shone, I was cut down. If I shrank, I would be miserable.

So, after realising this KEY shift, I decided to fully love and embrace these parts of me and celebrate the REAL me.

An astounding thing happened; I lost all urge to placate people who didn’t like me. I let them go because they are not my people!

Other individuals started showing up, who celebrated me for me. Glenn was the first partner ever who was unthreatened and supportive of my work, allowing me to achieve even more and accelerating my ability to Thrive, expand and shine!

Exercise 2:
Feel into and write about the criticism you have received which is integral to you. What do you need to heal, embrace and accept within yourself?

This step may feel scary because this means you will be coming out as YOURSELF!

It’s okay if it takes time, so please be gentle with yourself. This shift can bring forth fearful feelings and even the terror that you will be rejected, punished or annihilated as you. Inner work can help free you to be YOU.

Quanta Freedom Healing shifts are the welcome medicine to move that fear out of your Being.

I can’t tell you how liberating it is to be YOU! That is how to feel the best in your skin, be the most successful in life, have the right people with you and escape False Self connections.


Step 3 – Shifting Your Inner Love Code

Step 3 is the understanding that we all have an emotional Love Code, which is the programming of our important relationships.

It says, ‘The people I love _______ (fill in the blank)’.

If, when we were little, there were painful emotional experiences and feelings like “the people I love ignore me, abandon me, replace me, punish me and neglect me” (and so forth),, this is the programming.

On any topic in your life, the most powerful emotions (energy–in–motion) reign supreme as your inner programming. It can be easy to get a sense of what is happening in your Inner Being by seeing the real-life patterns in your outer world – because they will be identical.

Your Love Code is familiar to you. The people who deliver the validity of your Love Code are attractive and attracted to you. There is also an unconscious part of yourself trying to resolve the unfinished emotional business by ‘hoping Mum / Dad will do it better this time.’

This is why you may find it so hard to let go of someone hurting you, and may not be able to attract good, healthy people – who are not a match for your Inner Love Code.

Exercise 3:
Write the names of the people who hurt you and their actions that hurt you. Go back and circle the repeated painful treatment. These are your Inner Painful Love Codes. Then write these out:

‘The people I love _______ (fill in the gap).’

Now set this intention: ‘I am in the process of releasing the traumas and painful emotions that have been holding this Inner Love Code in place.’

I also highly suggest getting some form of bodywork, such as kinesiology, or other type of subconscious healing process to help with this, because talk therapy doesn’t release these emotions.

If you like, come into Quantum Dating Bootcamp, where we release this with Quanta Freedom Healing.


Step 4 – Deserving Real Love

This is the next step after releasing your painful Inner Love Code. Life and your soul are ingenious and they bring you the opportunity to do it differently.

Let me explain with this simple example. Your Inner Love Code was, ‘The people I love are unavailable’. You have done the inner work to shift out this toxic trauma from your body (meaning you have to LET it GO!)

Now you have started dating, and someone you are interested in starts treating you as if you don’t matter. In the past, you made excuses in the consciousness of your painful Inner Love Code programming. You used to say things like, “I am sure they were busy”, “Something must have popped up for them”, and even “They behave like this because of their ex-relationship.”

Since you did the inner work to release the old Love Code, you feel differently about this behaviour. You KNOW you deserve better. So, you say, “Peter, my idea of dating someone is that their actions match their words. I only go on dates with people who turn up.”

Then you be quiet.

Peter now will show you who he is. He could make narcissistic excuses and gaslight you by calling you demanding, unreasonable, and uncaring. If so, you have your answer. You say, “Peter, I wish you all the best, but I’m not going to continue going on dates with you. Take care.”

The garbage just took itself out.

Alternatively, Peter treats you respectfully, apologises, and says, “I understand and I won’t do that again.” As a good person, you know everyone can have an off-moment and screw up! As good people, we accept genuine apologies and give people another chance because they have been so humble and genuine with us – we respect that.

Peter will either step up and deliver ‘availability’ or mess up again. Either way, you respond accordingly, and either way you win, because you are aligned with the truth of your NEW Healthy Love Code regardless of what Peter is or isn’t choosing.

That is personal power!

By being willing to step up in this way, in deservedness, without being triggered, angry, upset or frustrated – just clear and empowered – you spiritually graduate. You can wear your graduation cloak!

Your Inner-standing just launched as your real-life reality.

Source / Life / The Universe can now bring you a match for this truth – and WILL! It’s Quantum Law, as absolute as gravity, it cannot NOT work.

Exercise 4:
Write out what you will do in deservedness when your painful Love Code presents. How will you be different? Does this feel doable for you yet?


Step 5 – Healthy Boundaries When Connecting

It’s important when meeting people to take your time and ascertain them maturely and healthily. It’s risky and foolhardy to let people into your heart, mind, bed, body, home and finances before you know who they are.

Oh boy, did I used to do that!

Good people respect you and value you more for healthy boundaries because this is how they operate. Bad people get flushed out. They don’t like it because if you work out who they are they can’t exploit you.

Most of us were trained from an early age not to have boundaries or to speak up. We may have been overpowered, not granted sacred spaces, and could have been criticised, rejected, abandoned or punished (C.R.A.P) when we tried to assert what felt okay.

Most of us did not know our rights or how to enforce them. Maybe we thought successful boundaries required someone else to ‘agree’ with them. That isn’t the truth – only YOU must agree with your boundary!

Whatever the circumstances, if you have uncomplicated healthy boundaries, these will very quickly reveal other people for who they are. Boundary setting becomes organic after working through steps 1 – 4 and then having some boundary training.

Healthy boundaries provide safety in dating. When I teach safety, I feel like a mamma bear protecting her cubs. That’s why I’m so passionate about it!

This includes not meeting people in their homes – it MUST be public places. If you want to create a relationship with someone, don’t have sex before ascertaining their character, compatibility, and commitment to exclusivity.

When dating or in an exclusive relationship, have your own life and retain that life. It’s important that two ‘whole’ people come together to have a healthy relationship.

There is more, and we have a whole week dedicated to Safety and Power In Dating during the Quantum Dating Bootcamp.

Question 5:
Where in your life did you not speak up or lay boundaries and got hurt? What do you need to do differently to ensure you can take great care of yourself?

On a scale of 1-10 (1 being not at all and 10 being totally), how comfortable are you (feel in your body) in knowing how to place boundaries, not trying to fix and change people, and following through with YOUR truth?”


Step 6 – Connecting With Your Soul Tribe and Soul Mate

You are now living in the consciousness of mating your soul. You know your truth, you are emerging more authentically and free to be yourself, knowing your deservedness and choosing ‘Yes’ or ‘No’, whilst allowing everyone to be themselves.

You are taking your time to ascertain people maturely and respectfully while building and creating your life.

The Great Divide is happening in your life: bad people and the memories of them are fading away, many people in your existing life are dropping off, and those with whom you have more authentic relationships are stepping up. New and good people are moving into your life experience.

So now let’s get down to the nitty-gritty.

How do you say ‘yes’ to deeper critical connections – like a business partnership or ESPECIALLY an intimate love partner?

How do you know that these people are the real deal?

One of the greatest things to recognise is that healthy connections feel completely different from toxic attractions. They feel warm, calm and safe instead of being electric, anxiety-provoking roller coasters.

Before going through step 3, ‘healthy’ could feel listless to you – like ‘I’m NOT attracted!’. Whereas in steps 1-5 (especially 3) ‘healthy’ will feel attractive in a much more natural and wholesome way.

The feeling of love fills your heart with care, kindness and respect.

There is a big shift in how these relationships travel. There is honesty and realness, which is much more mature than playing games. You both share and listen. When sex comes, it is lovemaking of the soul, not a shallow or physical performance.

Yes, of course, you have challenges. Yet because there is care and teamwork, these experiences strengthen the relationship into deeper respect, love and growth. Healthy relationships spiral upwards, not downwards as toxic relationships do.

Rather than self-interest, control and one partner overpowering the other, there is self-actualisation and freedom resulting in the flow of shared power. Together Everyone Achieves More (TEAM).

You may think this is extraordinary. I can assure you it’s not. With narcissistic abuse, what we are used to is deeply abnormal and warped. There are MANY people on the planet you can have healthy relationships, and you don’t need many!

For your love partner, you only need ONE!

Being healthy in this sense is not just normal, essential and acceptable. It is fulfilling – not boring at all when you are healthy enough to seek it, be it and accept it. Healthy relationships grant you the foundation to create the life of your dreams.

Exercise 6:
Feel into and write what characteristics your healthy Soul Tribe and Soul Mate relationships would have. How does this feel for you? What dreams would you love to create if you had support and a compatible life partner?

After answering these questions, feel into “How possible does this feel for me?” Feel the answer in your body and give yourself a rating of 10.

Take note of this rating, which will shift higher as you shift, heal and grow towards your True Love Goals.



I hope you have enjoyed these 6 steps and that they make sense for you as much as I have enjoyed sharing them with you.

Personally, and through my connection to more previously abused people, I know that love does not need to be Russian roulette and that we don’t have to be lonely or keep on unconsciously choosing toxic relationships.

We CAN change ourselves, to change Love for ourselves.

As I mentioned, my Love Bootcamp (named Quantum Dating Bootcamp) starts on 18th April 2023 – this applies if you want LOVE to be healed in any capacity.

It can also help if you want to be prepared in case of a ‘blow-in’, which is when a love interest randomly crosses your path. You will know how to deal with it because you will be armed well!

You can register for Quantum Dating Bootcamp by clicking here.

NB: If you can’t make any of the Dating Bootcamp sessions live, all of the life-changing and LOVE-creating materials and healings are recorded and yours for life.

Time is running out, so don’t miss your chance to register!

As always, I love responding to your questions and comments!


The Narcissist’s New Supply: Do They Have Something You Don’t?

Today’s article is about one of the most painful things that can ever happen at the hands of a narcissist.

Being replaced by new supply.

As if that isn’t bad enough – what if she or he is young and attractive? Or accomplished and wealthy? Maybe all of the above?

In other words, the new supply has something that you feel you are not. Or maybe not anymore.

I remember being 40, looking in the mirror and feeling like I was a hundred years old. Who was this woman I barely recognised? Where had her attractiveness gone, the sparkle in her eye, the lifeforce in her soul?

Instead, with hair falling out in clumps, I was a walking skeleton with loose, saggy skin and sunken eyes. I didn’t believe I would ever be attractive and lovable again.

At that shocking time in my life, I was out shopping with my parents, constantly triggered by Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD), agoraphobic as hell and barely holding things together. Guess who we bumped into? There he was laughing, the picture of loved-up happiness with a hot young girl probably his daughter’s age. They appeared besotted in each other.

He saw us, and we saw them.

After seeing that, I couldn’t get out of bed for four days.

She had what I didn’t: youth, happiness, health, fun, attractiveness and sex appeal.

With all of my heart, I understand what it’s like to feel defective, worthless and unlovable. Like you are NOTHING after being discarded and replaced. After all you gave, did and endured to be thrown aside like yesterday’s scraps, like you never existed. The years, the words, the moments and the commitments all meant nothing.

I am so thrilled to say I came back from this. There is zero pain, and there hasn’t been for years. I feel attractive again, yet in a different way. Not in the way of trying to be loved. Rather from a love that emanates from within, independent of how others see me.

I’ve been told by people that I look more attractive now, in my 50s, than I did in my 30s. . Today it feels much more authentic for me, and so much less stressful. For the last 15-plus years, it’s been my absolute joy to help others come back from the trauma of being devalued and discarded as well.

As such, I am thrilled and excited to offer to you The Quantum Makeover, my brand new four-week Live and interactive course, coming up soon, to help you heal and claim your self-esteem, radiant confidence and attractiveness back –no matter what your age or body shape, and whatever horror or loss you have suffered.

I can’t wait to help you achieve this in a loving, safe, healing environment with me and the wonderful MTE team!

If this speaks to you – come join us.


How Can Narcissists Move On So Quickly?

It’s very important to understand why the narcissist can often replace you with a new supply in the time it takes to boil an egg. Truth be known, they usually have new supply waiting in the wings even before the relationship ends.

This is a for a few reasons. Most narcissists don’t like being alone. As a ‘no-self’ with gnawing unmet, unhealed internal wounds, the narcissist needs outer distraction. They frenetically require narcissistic supply (attention).

New love is a great source of this, as the next shiny toy to idealise, get obsessed about and create a fictitious ‘amazing romance’ that is this false economy: “I’m thrilled that you are taking me away from having to feel my inner emotional black hole.” And the new relationship can also be a way of side-stepping all the other disasters catching up with the narcissist in their life.

This new person is the perfect way to self-medicate, self-avoid and regulate the ever-pressing need for narcissistic supply – significance. In new obsessional romance, this ‘drug’ is available in spades.

The new person is an extension of the narcissist’s False Self – their ego. Pumping up this person to themselves is not about admiring the new person as an autonomous flesh and blood human being. Rather, they are an extension of the narcissist that says,: “Look how amazing I am as a result of having this person I can show off and brag.”

What goes up must come down – and it does. But before we get to that, let’s get back to you and why you have been devalued, discarded and replaced.


You Are No Longer Adequate Narcissistic Supply

The narcissist was ‘in love’ with what you brought to the table for the narcissist’s true master – his or her False Self. You were ‘chosen’ for your looks, money, capacities, bubbly personality, sexuality – whatever it was. Even if you are still attractive, you certainly don’t feel it anymore – you feel worthless, invalidated, unlovable and defective, and smashed to pieces.

If there was ‘stuff’ the narcissist admired about you, they have gobbled it up like black holes devour celestial bodies in space. Yet, you are still accused of being selfish, uncaring and withholding. It’s the whole black hole thing of ‘never enough’. If the narcissist admired you for your accomplishments, then by now he or she has smashed that down, degrading or sabotaging anything important in your life. “How dare you get any emotional energy from ANYTHING other than ME!”

Understandably, you are no longer fawning over the narcissist. You have well and truly seen this person is disordered, manipulative and selfish because he or she is cruel, unreasonable, entitled and a pathological liar.

You also know this person is immature, easily triggered over ridiculous things, and massively insecure. You’ve stopped admiring him or her.

Because you question the narcissist’s delusional versions of themselves and life and start pushing back against it, the devaluing begins. “I will PUNISH you for not worshipping me anymore!”

Being around a person with a personality-disorder – who does not care about you, is a master of twisting facts, projecting blame, hitting your triggers cruelly to bait, derail and blame you, and so much more – means you have had your life force sucked out, your soul assaulted and your sanity severely messed with.

You are narcissistically abused: emptied of energy, health and resources, traumatised, devastated and hugely addicted to the drama physically, mentally and emotionally without knowing how or why this has happened to you. It’s called trauma bonding.

You still try to bring sense to the table with reason, kindness, care and decency. But you can’t twist yourself into enough shapes to stop the narcissist from lashing at you for not being the perfect contortionist, and being unable to read the tea leaves and assuage this person who can’t be durably pleased. The truth is, nothing and no-one can.

You are too much or not enough and the cause of the problems. You are the person who apparently persecuted the narcissist the most. Your cries to stop the abuse are regarded as abuse towards the narcissist. You have no more to give; the narcissist took most, if not all, of it. Because you broke down and didn’t have any goodies anymore, the narcissist needs to discard you and move on like the black hole they are.

Especially if you become SO sick that the narcissist is required to tend to you.

“Next!” says the narcissist, like taking a broken-down car to the wreckers, abandoning it and then going to the car dealership for a shiny new model.

I am not kidding; it is as straightforward as that.

It’s shocking and horrifying, especially after you hung in there, gave so much, wasted energy, money, health, and maybe the ‘best’ years of your life with this person because you believed that’s what people do when they love each other.

Except, there is no ‘real’ person inside the narcissist to love anyone, and loyalty only exists to the False Self.

Everything and everyone are objects – they serve the useful purpose of medicating the narcissist so that she or he doesn’t fall into their inner black pit of nothingness. Narcissists also get stuff to bolster the False Self and maintain the mirage of “whom they would like to be” and do not meet the same empty inner hell.

That’s how they use people. It’s not love, and it even goes beyond ‘obsession’.

It’s soul-snatching.

Even so, I know you may not understand yet, as I didn’t initially, but the new supply is a blessing.  Not for her or him – but for you. Because now you can detach and start healing from the effects of being narcissistically abused. That is if the greedy narcissist doesn’t keep you stuck on the hook, still terrorising you, triangulating you, calling in on you, dropping you carrots of false hope, or continuing to blame you for the demise of your relationship – and more.

Simply to keep selfishly and maliciously using you to feed the False Self the drug of significance.

“Look how important I am that someone else cannot move on from me.”

And, of course, it’s understandable that you feel like you can’t let go of what happened to you. It haunts you; it keeps you up at night. You may be unable to stop thinking about the narcissist and the new supply.

Wondering, “What do they have that I don’t?”, “Will the narcissist love this one more than me?” and “What if I was actually the problem?”

After this happening to you, do you think you are going to look and feel attractive? Instead, you will resemble someone who has been trying to survive a war zone. Not a Hollywood-depicted war-zone with a makeup crew – more like a real life one where you feel like you are the walking dead. Even those who still ‘take care of their appearance’ look shattered after this because they feel dead on the inside.



The New Supply’s Fate

Read all of the above, what happened to you. The fate of the new supply is the same. That is where it will all end up for them too.

It always does.

This is an endless tale of rinse and repeats – idealise, devalue and discard.

I know this to be true. I have the proof. I can’t tell you how many times in this community it’s happened to the next victim. In my own life I can tell you that future partners of BOTH the ex-narcissists have contacted me – devastated, traumatised, ripped to shreds and replaced.

Narcissists. Don’t. Change.

It doesn’t matter how young, attractive, wealthy or smart the next supply is; they too end up like yesterday’s trash.

You may say, “But she/he has been with this person for decades.”

I’ve met these people too, more than I can count, trying to leave after 30 years of abuse. How do you think they feel after ‘wasting’ all these years whilst enduring a narcissist?

A dear friend of mine nursed one of these women in palliative care whilst the narcissistic husband was on his dating app in the hospital because he was furious that she was selfishly dying and leaving him.

He asked her, “What do you expect me to do?”

She said, “At least have the decency to wait until I’m bloody dead!”

The people who last years with narcissists are maybe more patient than you and me. Not as triggered, able to numb out more, turn a blind eye more, take a back seat, and keep up appearances.

It’s no compliment that they weren’t officially discarded. They were discarded, over and over again. Many of them endured affairs, devastating cruel acts, horrific accusations, control and the narcissist’s obscene behaviours, dramas and disasters.

Worst of all for them, is that for all those years they were not TRULY loved. Never. Not for themselves, for their souls. They were in the narcissist’s life for some superficial ‘usefulness’. Please don’t, for one moment, think they are having a great life with a narcissist. Their soul was dying inside once they passed the idealising stage, just like all of us.

Now back to you again.


Making It All About Looks and Stuff

The narcissist objectified you initially regarding ‘looks’ and ‘stuff’.

When we compare ourselves to the new supply, we are continuing this objectification. What is the evoluton out of this mess? Recognising that True Love is about being loved for one’s soul.

Before my Thriver Healing Path, I believed I had to earn love and that it was all about my appearance and accomplishments. This was conditional love and it was how I objectified myself. I never felt ‘enough’ to be loved by myself, and I believed I was only worthy of ‘love’ if someone outside of me reflected this to me.

The narcissist in my life, in the massive ‘idealising phase’, seemed to be that person who finally really loved me. Yet it was only filling the hole of what I was not feeling for myself yet.

Later, after Thriver Recovery and breaking away from this pattern, I knew there was nothing to envy about the new supply. They were all dehumanised just as I was, and of course – as ‘useful objects’ – would one day fall out of the narcissist’s favours just as I had.



The repair is not about wishing it ends with them; it truly is about how it can begin with ourselves. The path to True Love proceeds from the inside out – with ourselves first.

The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program (NARP) healings began that process for me, letting go of the need for outside love and approval from a narcissist (or anyone) and shifting into feeling durably anchored into love and approval for myself.

Then I applied the Quantum Makeover principles – which are about having a healthy balance of inner love and outer attractiveness – to Thriver Glow authentically from the inside out, no longer attached to what other people are or aren’t doing or how they see me.

As well as claiming our right, at any age, to feel good about our appearance and health and have the confidence to shine in the world – without fear!

Gosh, this is so needed after feeling like your self-worth is decimated by a narcissist.

I hope today’s article has helped you, if you needed to read this information.

And above all, I hope this has helped you start on the path of True Love. Being loved for your soul. Having people in your life who love you, are loyal to you and would not leave you when you did not feed this False Self adequately.

Please know this return to love has to start with YOU.

I look forward to your comments and questions below and can’t wait to share this journey with you in the Quantum Makeover starting 30th May 2023.


Loneliness, Another Narcissist or Something Else?

Loneliness, Another Narcissist or Something Else?

Narcissistic abuse is so painful that it completely crushes your faith in humanity.

How do you risk opening your heart again after being so soul-betrayed by someone you loved and trusted?

As humans, we are built to connect, but that carries the risk of being hurt again. So instead, we may choose to remain alone – because at least it is ‘safe’.

In today’s Thriver TV episode I explain how we CAN be free of fear and find beautiful people to share our lives.

Please be sure to watch or read to the end, as I’d also love for you to join me in my upcoming Quantum Dating Bootcamp. Even if you feel like dating is a distant dream, this bootcamp is all about partnering your own soul, so that you are able to have successful, healthy relationships in all areas of your life. And if you are ready to put yourself out there, you will learn my fearless empowered dating process, so that you can date with confidence!



Video Transcript

Welcome Dear Thriver to TTV. Today I want to talk about the relationship conundrum we can have after narcissistic abuse.

Not just intimate partner relationships – all relationships.

Do you withdraw from life, because you have been so betrayed and traumatised? Or do you try to keep connecting up with humans and take the risk of being abused again?

Or is there a third option?

Before we explore these subjects, if you have not yet subscribed to my YouTube channel, please do so. And please remember to share my work with others who need to know it is not just possible to survive narcissistic abuse, you truly can thrive after it.

Okay let’s dive in.


Shattered Beliefs About Humanity After Abuse

Whoever has narcissistically abused you, your belief in the good of humanity is severely compromised. It’s soul shattering to realise that people can act so loving, caring and kind – or should behave in this way in the case of a family member – but are actually sinister: capable of lying straight to your face, exploiting you for their own agenda, treating you like a mere object to mine, and then discarding you like yesterday’s trash when you are no longer needed.

This was not just some mere person to you – it was someone you loved. This person was significant – a lover, spouse, family member, friend, even your own child.

This is no simple “Okay we disagreed and I just have to get over it.” It is much more like a soul violation, rocking the very foundation of your existence.

After this you may choose to spend a great deal of time alone. Maybe you can barely get out of bed, let alone face other people. You may know you have to retreat because you can’t try to be normal around people. You feel depressed and lifeless. You can feel misunderstood and suffer so much shame because other people tell you to “just get over it” and are stunned that you can’t.

At first your alone time may be because you can’t do much else. For me, like so many of us, that was the case.

Before knowing how to self-partner and heal, I frantically researched narcissists, smoked lots, drank excessive coffee, shared my war stories in abuse forums, and of course obsessed constantly.

I wasn’t healing and I wasn’t getting better.

Much of my obsession was that he seemed happy and was having a fabulous time – dating younger women, buying flashy cars and living in the house that I had bought.

I, on the other hand was renting, broke and could barely face anything or anyone.

I surmised, like many of us do, that I should try to meet someone else to take the pain way – because that would constitute “getting on with my life”. Society had me believing that this was the solution, so I tried to date. I either met people who were clearly awful (terrifying me even further); or people who made me feel like I missed him even more; or nice people who liked me – who I hurt because there was no way I was in any position to commit to anyone.

My heart goes out to you if you are either in that place of feeling devastatingly alone or are trying to get back out in life to get better, but keep getting retraumatised.

Thank goodness, there is another way! Lets investigate what this looks like.


Healthy Aloneness

I am so grateful I found a way to heal that did work – it was self-partnering and turning inwards to heal for real.

This turned out to be the most special time of my life coming home to me, in the most loving, self-devoted way I ever had. I knew I had to. I knew my picker for choosing other people was broken. I knew I did not trust myself and I wanted to be at peace with me, trust my own intuition and learn how to feel safe as myself in the world.

I also wanted to know how to be happy to be in my body, in this life, on this planet without needing something outside of me to feel whole. I wanted to break free from the pain and from this matrix that we think is normal, but which certainly isn’t natural. Surely there had to be a better way to feel durably ‘whole’?

At first, before understanding this Quantum journey, I had always spent my life trying to avoid me: the true me – the inner me. Things like excessive compulsive ‘all or nothing’ behaviour – workaholism, addictions, and of course trying to make the wrong people love me – because I had never learned how to be present with, partner and love myself.

Channelling, formulating the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program (affectionately known as NARP) and following those healings was what allowed me to turn inwards, love the journey, and enjoy the rewards.

If you are alone right now, a good question to ask yourself may be, “Am I purposely healing through this, or am I hoping to just get through it?”

Trying to ‘just get through it’ is usual. I see this a lot, and I did it myself initially – but it takes years, if it happens at all. It isn’t a path of healing because sadly time does not heal narcissistic abuse, any more than staying in the self-tormenting obsessions does.

I liken this time of healthy aloneness to the metaphor of a bird with broken wings going into the bird hospital. The bird can’t fly properly, is in pain and is susceptible to predators. There is a need to pull out of life, go into the bird hospital and mend these wings, so that the bird can re-emerge powerfully and safely to not just fly, but to soar.

I fully committed to that for myself, and my life is now soaring in a way that could not have happened if I hadn’t gone into that bird hospital. I wouldn’t be able to ‘be’ the relationships I have with myself, life and others, so I wouldn’t be able to manifest healthy relationships or identify, accept or maintain them.

Plus, I adored being in the bird hospital! It’s where we find the relationship we have wanted all our life, and the joy and love of being integrated with ourselves and our own Higher Power.

That is real love – from where all other real love can emanate.

I’m sharing this with you so that I can inspire you. I know that many of you Thrivers are living this life too now, and many more Thrivers-to-be will as well – it’s how we are supposed to live. No matter what trauma you are still experiencing, this true relationship is waiting for you, if you choose to move towards it.




From Loneliness To Healthy Connections

As most of us know, narcissists exist in any walk of life. They could be bosses, friends, neighbours – anyone at all. It is certainly not just about love relationships. Also, you may have pulled back away from your family to heal. How do you begin reconnecting back to life safely and healthily?

This may seem like a HUGE jump and just not possible – yet it is.

Let me take you through a rundown of what that can look like.

It looks like taking your healing, development and focus further, to be able to be YOU, safely – no matter what other people are or aren’t doing – to create healthy relationships with people who can be healthy for you.

It’s no longer being needy enough to make excuses for people who aren’t healthy. Rather, you identify them easily, you know you are worth more than whatever they are offering, and so you do not select them to be in your relationship circle.

But how do we not get tricked?

By coming home to self.

This is all about knowing how to make choices that are a “yes” to your chosen life and “no” to people who aren’t. It is knowing how to align with your values; trust your intuition; show up truthfully without fear; ascertain people over time; and lay great healthy boundaries that narcissists can’t fake their way past. And I promise you, they won’t even bother trying, because narcissists are opportunistic and target people who are easier to dupe and who don’t have boundaries.

You may say “Melanie, that is too simple!”

It really is crazy how we are not taught the simple things! In fact, we haven’t been taught these interpersonal skills at all, and because we didn’t know it, our children don’t know it, just like our parents didn’t know it… and so on and on it goes.

One thing is for certain: if we don’t know how to ‘be’, ‘set up’ and ‘do’ healthy relationships, then we don’t have them. People like you and I, especially after what we have been through, don’t fluke them. They don’t drop in our laps – and most of us wouldn’t know what a healthy relationship looked like even if did show up!

Developing ourselves Quantumly – meaning from the inside out – in ways that create healthy relationships, means that after narcissistic abuse we don’t have to settle for either being lonely or taking the risk of future abuse.

Learning and applying this stuff changed my life beyond description. I went from feeling territorised and traumatised to being able to ascertain people at all levels of my life. Then every part of my interpersonal relationships shifted away from bad people to good people, including an intimate love partner.

This wasn’t luck. It was because I had changed.


In Conclusion

I want to give you hope that Quantum Healing and alignment works. What is wonderful about it is that it’s inspirational! It’s exciting and expansive, it’s fascinating and you start seeing results very quickly. It brings joy, confidence, and a deeper trust and greater love for yourself.

I can help you experience this too.

If you want to be able to connect to humans in a healthy way, I‘d love to help you in my upcoming Dating Bootcamp global on-line training group.

We get together live, twice a week for six weeks.

Don’t let the name Dating Bootcamp mislead you! This 6-week course is about you mating your own soul. It is a training after abuse to help you ‘inner-stand’ (so much more powerful than ‘understanding’) all the following:

  • How to know and stand in your values and truth
  • How to positively identify someone’s character and understand what level of relationship they are capable of
  • How to manifest A grade relationships in every area of your life
  • How to explore relationships safely without ever putting yourself at risk
  • How to end relationships easily and call in higher vibrational ones without fear and feelings of loss.


These skills will help you connect to yourself, your life and other humans again after abuse in confident, gracious, empowered and spiritually intelligent ways.

And if you are ready to meet your intimate other, during this 6 week journey we will set you up for high-level soul mate dating and the knowing of how to call in that unique special someone who is the lid for your pot – that ONE person who at a higher vibrational level is seeking you as much as you are seeking them.

No matter what level of relationship interaction you wish to heal, your relationship capacity will skyrocket and you will get back into life and whichever relationships you are ready to create in safe, healthy and fulfilling ways.

Also with the Bootcamp Membership I have an early bird FREE bonus event! This powerful limited-number Quanta Freedom Healing Soul Mate Activation Ceremony rakes place on the 9th April.

It is designed to open you up cellularly and Quantumly to recognise, create and maintain 5th Dimensional Higher Vibrational relationships – meaning a reuniting with your Soul Tribe.

Please know that if you can’t get to any sessions live, you will receive all of your recordings for life as a Dating Bootcamp member.

You can find out all about the Quantum Dating Bootcamp by clicking here.

I hope today has granted you the understanding that you don’t have to be alone and you don’t have to live in fear of people. Instead, I hope that you are feeling in your soul that you can call in beautiful people to share life with.

From my heart to yours – I assure you this is true for you.

Until next time, keep smiling, keep healing and keep Thriving – because there is nothing else to do.


No Contact The Truth

Narcissistic Abuse and Complicated Grief

Grief is heart-breaking.

Grief is about loss. What you had is now gone, and will never return.

I remember saying to my mother years ago, “It would have been better to believe he had been a good man and hold beautiful memories, rather than knowing what he was and having to end it with him.” I surmised if my relationship with him had been the former and I lost him, I could have grieved him, hopefully to completion.

I was shocked that my grief of loss, entangled with narcissistic abuse, was not subsiding. Time was not erasing or easing my feelings of loss. Like so many of us, along with the grief I had Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD) and many other breakdowns, in every area of my life imaginable.

Complicated grief is a big part of narcissistic abuse recovery. It’s massive. The grief feels irreconcilable and doesn’t diminish over time, like traditional grief is supposed to.

Let’s look at the stages of grief and why it becomes complicated with narcissistic abuse.


Grief Resolution – Step One: Allowing Yourself To Experience The Pain Of Your Loss

Healing requires feeling the pain and grief in order to move through it. It’s true – we don’t heal what we are not prepared to feel.

Here we have a massive issue.

The emotional grief of narcissistic abuse is complicated and extreme. Along with the loss of the person we loved and the life we thought we were living, are extreme traumas of betrayal, violation, invalidation and being emotionally abandoned and discarded. The losses are of our mental, emotional, physical, spiritual and usually financial wellbeing.

Additionally, whilst trying to grieve all of this, we experience truths erupting which are so brutal that we can barely breathe. Perhaps also cruel, senseless malicious attacks, such as abuse by proxy, threats, smearing or having a new supply pushed in our face.

Our feelings are so traumatised and in tatters that we may be barely able to eat, sleep and remain vertical. How can you hold such feelings to heal from them?

You may have spent months or years feeling heartbroken and devastated, yet the grief – no matter how many times it has engulfed you – is not clearing out. The bottom line is, as so many people report to me all the time, “I’m just not getting over it!” This is regardless of whether or not there are still any connections or ongoing business with the narcissist.

It is perplexing and heartbreaking.

What is happening here?

The trauma of the complicated grief is still there, wedged within your inner somatic self. Trying to reconcile the grief logically, and even with physical releases like crying (which may bring temporary relief) is not your true healing answer.

Like many of us, I was so crippled with grief, I tried doing therapy to talk it out. I worked with specific journalling, breathing into these parts of me and crying, screaming and beating pillows to try to release this internal dense energy.

It was just too big.

It wasn’t until I turned to the inner somatic tools – where I could feel, as well as RELEASE my internal grief – that I started shifting it up and out of my being.

Tools like EMDR, EFT, theta healing and kinesiology were giving me real relief. Yet something was missing because relief didn’t durably last. Quanta Freedom Healing was the only inner somatic tool that finally set me free from grief and burst me into Thriving.

If you are a Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program (NARP) Member, my suggestions to feel and heal complicated grief are:

Work with Module 1, setting the intention that you are targeting and shifting out your Complicated Grief, until you simply cannot feel any of the associated dense energy left in your body. You will note that your overwhelming thoughts start to melt away as a result.

Then use The Source Healing and Resolution Module, setting your intention that you are targeting your Complicated Grief.

Simply surrender into the healing and keep clearing and repeating, until you receive a 10/10 rating.

And/or use the Goal Setting Module, “All complicated grief has left me. I am embodying my birthright of grace, power, wellbeing, and joy in its place.”

Repeat the healing as often as required until you reach a 10/10 rating.




Grief Resolution – Step Two: Accepting The Reality Of Your Loss

By Quantumly addressing Step One, Step Two will start to naturally come on-line. Otherwise, what a tangled web we have here.

This is not just about “losing someone you loved” or “accepting I will never see them again”.

Narcissistic abuse creates many confusing, enmeshed and complicated aspects of grief – beyond the loss of the person you wanted them to be, and the life that you thought you would be having with them.

It involves the loss of ‘love’, meaning humanity itself, and the losing of your own innocence, heart and intentions for true love. It is the destruction of what love and relationships are meant to be, as well as the losses that you have suffered in relationship with this person, such as sanity, youth, health, optimism, resources, people you loved, working capacity, reputation and the ability to be even remotely ‘okay’ let alone ‘well’ in your life.

To cap it all off you feel like your very soul has been snatched away from you, leaving you like a tortured, empty husk.

Then there is the devastatingly confusing aspect of narcissists – they can be SO nice. When a narcissist is delightful you could not ask for a grander, funnier, more loving companion, who you shared incredible times, sights, and adventures with.

How do you reconcile losing a supposed ‘twin-flame’ or some significant other such as family member or friend who you loved to pieces, even though at times they tore you to pieces?

At first you can’t. This person was your world and your destroyer wrapped up in one.

It is too complex, too painful.

Yes, acceptance is KEY. But how do you accept all of this?

Certainly not with logical assessment, learning, researching or going over and over all the convoluted, insane, painful aspects in your own mind or with someone else.

It just doesn’t work – there is no acceptance point there. You can’t think and speak your way out of the unthinkable and unspeakable.

Most people don’t accept it for ages, and then there is the confusion “I must feel this way because it is real love” and “If I find away to fix this then the terrible pain may end.” But going back just intensifies the abuse.

Which leaves only one HEALTHY choice: accepting what happened in a deep embodied way to move through grief and regret to freedom and renewal.

There is only ONE way. You have to LET GO.

But you can’t just think, “I’m letting go.” Rather, this is about purging this person and everything they represented out of your Inner Being. If the trauma from them is still emotionally wedged within you, then you have to purge, detoxify and exorcise this person out of your very Being. Let go of them – everything that you are holding onto emotionally about them – the good, the bad, the ugly. Every. Single. Thing.

This is the Quantum way to let go – from deep within your Being. It is not a logical thing; it is a deeply emotional thing. It is also not a time thing; it is a process thing. A Quantum Healing thing. NARP does that.

One of the greatest advantages of doing the NARP shifts that I granted you in Step One is that grief is a core trauma. If you release deep grief, many of the other traumas such as anger, resentment, fear and injustice leave your Inner Being as well.

For NARPers the powerful work on ‘acceptance’ comes through Module 2 work – ‘Becoming Your Own Source’ – enabling you to break those toxic ties to a narcissist where you feel like you can’t let go and live on without this person. It breaks away all dependencies you were feeling, connecting you to this person.

Then Module 3 work brings home acceptance of what happened with Radical Forgiveness of Yourself and Life for what you went through. Work through the Module 3 Quanta Freedom Healing with the accompanying eBook.

Then you will be no longer trying to survive your wounds of grief, but you will move forward into acceptance, opening the space of feeling creative about your new life.

Let’s look at the next level of grief resolution.


Grief Resolution – Step Three: Creating A New Life Without This Person

It’s completely understandable that this is not a simple task after the destruction of narcissistic abuse. Traditionally it can take people a long time to even begin, and many never really do, despite attempting to.

Creating a new life without this person is very difficult when there is so much internal trauma poisoning your ability to move forward in life. Additionally narcissistic abuse feels like some sort of insane psychic virus, like the narcissist still lives on, under your skin, and is still in your head.

I was shocked by this. I’d always been strong and resourceful, and prided myself on being the type of person who could always get up again and go on. This time I was defeated. I wasn’t getting traction in anything I tried. I was battling with many health conditions such as C-PTSD, agoraphobia and fibromyalgia, which made it near impossible to even do basic self-care, let alone build a new life.

Step Three is step three for a reason – we simply are not well enough to engage in this step unless we have moved through Step One and Two first.

Most people try to put Step Three at Step One. I did too. I had been programmed to believe my value as a human lay within my outer accomplishments. Thankfully, via narcissistic abuse, I discovered the truth. My inside world had to become the most valuable.

As a result of Quantumly working through Step One and Two, and especially after the self-forgiveness work with Module 3, I found that I had space inside me to start creating my life. I became inspired to write and share articles about narcissistic abuse recovery with the world – long before this was my career. I also wanted to create my own beautiful small space for myself, plant a garden, eat healthily, start simple exercises and socialise in safe spaces.

Life was beginning again. It bore no resemblance to the life I had once lived, but it was beginning. I was healing. The obsession about him was gone. The pain of all the financial and other losses was melting away. I was starting to love and treasure simple things.

I accepted my reduced life and the value of my soul and stopped pushing myself to mega-achieve as I always had. This was new, as was accepting myself as being single. I had always previously thought being single meant I was a ‘failure’. Now I was a long way off a new relationship – I first wanted to deeply heal my relationship with myself.

I knew this ‘creating my life alone’ was the opportunity – for the first time in my life – to create a life that was soul gratifying and authentic to me. Even though I was just discovering what that meant. It was exciting, yet many fears came upon me in this stage.

“Who am I now?”

“What is life like with partnering myself in this way?”

“Who will I be without my old traumas, wounds, and co-dependent ways of trying to be in a relationship to define me?”

Every time a fear arose, I used the NARP Modules. The grief was gone, I had accepted my healing and Soul path and now I was working on other topics. If you follow my suggestions, you too will discover that your grief will release quickly.

With Quanta Freedom Healing, I went free from grief within weeks.

I find it interesting that within mainstream grief resolution, Step Three is considered a part of the resolution. Quantumly, I believe it is an expansion that happens as a result of the resolution which is done in Step One and Two. That was certainly my experience, as well as what I have seen with many other beautiful Thrivers in our wonderful Community.


Grief Resolution – Step Four: Having Other Relationships

Sadly, after narcissistic abuse and before healing, our picker of people can be very broken. It is easy to fall into relationships with other toxic people.

We may try to replace the emptiness and grief with others, and find ourselves in very degrading, painful and abusive situations again with very low vibrational people. They match our own levels of unhealed trauma, and are certainly NOT saviours for it.

Initially I tried this with catastrophic consequences. I see this often – people feeling like they just miss their ex even more, or falling for someone else who is an even bigger narcissist than the last.

What is for sure is that no one can take away our pain for us. If we are seeking that, then we are akin to a wounded child seeking a metaphoric adult, rather than a healthy partner to share power and a life with.

Even if we found ourselves with someone healthy, our own unhealed fears would cause us to act codependently, suspiciously, and unhealthily – which pushes healthy people away.

Or, we know that someone could be really good for us, yet we just can’t get attracted to good people. This is because we are still attracted to the type of people who are the deliverer of more of our unhealed internal traumas.

It’s no-one else’s job to heal us, and they can’t. It’s ours.

I am happy to say as a Thriver, my grief was long gone by the time I started having other real relationships. I found it really important to turn inwards to deeply heal myself, rather than try to have other people heal me. Yet there was the balance to be found, between healing and having very select safe people with which I spent time with as friends and confidants. They were like-minded, spiritual and deeply involved in self-development and inner healing. We had much in common.

This time in my life was beautiful, so special.

I didn’t want another intimate relationship to take the pain away, I wanted to mate my own soul, love being in my body, and love being in life, before I wanted to share a life with a special someone.

Plus there was a lot to learn and embody for real.

What DID a healthy intimate relationship look like?

How could I ascertain if someone was healthy?

Would I be able to speak up and honour myself this time?

Could I be strong enough to say, “No More!” and end things if needed?

Were there really higher-vibrational people out there who would be attracted to me?

I accepted this was all necessary development and required more inner healing, whilst creating, expanding and enjoying my life in the meantime.

This took me a few years to get right. There were a few relationships of ‘not the one’, but no more narcissists. Each relationship was a success and an improvement, with me getting much clearer about what I deserved, what I could receive, and who I could be in relationships.

Step Four, the traditional Step of having other relationships, wasn’t to help me overcome grief. It was about generating healthy relationships. Not from a place of emptiness and fear, as I had often tried to do in the past, but this time from a place of fullness, personal power and integrity.

I find with other Thrivers in our wonderful community, that this is preferable after being devastated by a narcissist . It means you can open your heart safely to love again, whilst looking after you, making wise, intuitive, powerful choices that serve you, and being full enough on this inside to have well placed “No”s opening you up to the “Yes”es of true, healthy love.


In Conclusion

Speaking of which I have another 6-week Quantum Dating Bootcamp, all about LOVE, coming up! If you want healthy, safe love manifestation after abuse, I’d love to help you get there by teaching you everything I know about this.

I hope today’s article makes sense.

Can you see why grief after narcissistic abuse is so complicated?

Do you believe there may be a more direct, powerful way to heal this Quantumly, just as I have?

If so, I recommend NARP.

How are you going with your grief after abuse?

If you are a NARPer have you targeted and released this yet, and if not are my suggestions helpful?

As always, I look forward to answering your comments and questions.


No Contact The Truth

Narcissistic Abuse and Attachment Styles

Have you heard about different attachment styles?

Having a secure attachment style makes it easier to choose and maintain stable and healthy relationships, so in this latest Thriver TV episode I want to talk about why we can be trapped in anxious or avoidant attachment styles – unless we turn within to heal.

I also answer the burning question of where do narcissists fit into attachment styles?

This is an episode you won’t want to miss – especially if you are a NARPer, as I talk you through how to let go of the trauma associated with each attachment style using your healing modules.



Video Transcript

Welcome, dear Thriver to Thriver TV, which empowers you to not only survive narcissistic abuse, but also to thrive after it. If you haven’t subscribed to my YouTube channel yet, please do so, and if my teachings make sense to you, please share them with anyone else you know who may be helped by them.

You may have heard about attachment styles in regard to relationships, but how does this play out in narcissistic relationships? How can we recognize these different styles and move ourselves away from disordered people into secure relationships?

That’s what we’re going to go through today in our Thriver TV episode, looking at each style and what it means, as well as how to heal from a particular style, especially if it’s plaguing your ability to have secure and healthy relationships.

I’m also going to grant Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program (NARP) members the Quanta Freedom Healing shifts to heal your attachment style quickly and powerfully.

Please also know, you may have more than one type of attachment style. Many people do.


Secure Attachment

Let’s start off by looking at secure attachment. This doesn’t need healing, but it’s helpful to look at this because either we have a secure attachment style or we still need to heal towards this.

Secure attachment is an ability to give love and affection without being hung up on what’s coming back at you.

For example, if you are worrying that, “I didn’t get a text answer within an amount of time,” then that’s not secure. We don’t have those feelings if we have a secure attachment style.

It’s also an ability to receive love and attention whilst being able to have a healthy sense of yourself. This expresses as having your own interests outside of a partner and allowing him or her to have their own life as well. It’s about feeling unthreatened and secure even when you are apart.

Many people with secure relationship styles cannot fathom other people’s relationship drama and they refuse to participate in it because it’s just isn’t their programming. It’s not their reality.

People with a secure attachment style tend to form relationships with other people who also have a secure attachment style. That’s water finding its own level. It’s not to say that they’re always going to have perfect relationships, but they don’t have the narcissistic struggles that we had or have in our relationships.

This is because from an early age these individuals experienced caretakers who allowed them space and could give them love and soothing in healthy ways. They therefore learned from a young age it was safe to give and experience love, as well as detach and be their own individual self in the world.


Anxious Attachment

Now, let’s move on to the first of our painful attachment styles. It’s the anxious style, and this is a person who feels insecure, jealous and distrusting of their partner.

If the other person does something without them, they may doubt that person’s loyalty and devotion, and feel that they could be abandoned or replaced.

If their partner is texting, talking, or posting, this can trigger fears of indiscretion or unfaithfulness.

If the other person goes missing for a period of time, someone with anxious attachment could imagine that they are up to no good and lying to them on their return.

This style is confusing for many people in our wonderful community, as it was for me, because with narcissists, we experienced people we couldn’t trust – because they were untrustworthy. It can then be difficult to trust good people in our life, because of our past.

This attachment style is one of the most – if not the most – commonly exhibited in our community, and it’s definitely a style that I’d severely taken on myself.

However, what I really want you to understand is that it doesn’t matter whether or not we have a ‘reason’ for having these feelings. We still need to heal from them. The traumas generating an anxious attachment style are in our body, and nobody can heal them for us other than ourselves.

If we hang on to inner trauma, it doesn’t keep us safe from deceptive people – because of quantum law of ‘so within, so without’. Whatever level you’re vibrating on the inside of you is what you’re going to keep experiencing outside of you too. So whenever you have a fear, then you will keep experiencing more of whatever is creating that fear.

It’s the losing of these triggers, the letting go of them, which keeps us safe and healthy because when we are internally solid that we are not going to tolerate disrespectful, disloyal people, then we’re no longer in a match for them emotionally. We stop being attracted to them. We can also heal our insecurities so that we enjoy good, honest people in our life, rather than sabotage their love because of our unhealed fears.

After all, people with a secure attachment style are too healthy to put up with having to walk on broken glass around our insecurities, and it’s not their job.

So what caused us to have this style and experience the reality of it in our life? More of the same.

We were distrusted, micromanaged and controlled by caretakers, who didn’t believe us when we told the truth and who accused us of things that we didn’t do. This behaviour is familiar to us, and what we hated receiving is exactly what we perpetrate on those we love until we heal it.

Many may say, “I’m like this because of the adult narcissistic relationship.” Yet truly, if we’re honest with ourselves, many of us had this anxious triggered tendency and these feelings anyway, and it did relate to the way we were brought up as kids.

My best suggestion for shifting this with NARP is to use Module 4, with the intention of, “I’m targeting the traumas of injustice and pain that I felt as a child.”

Once you have cleared all those charges, set a new intention of, “I’m targeting the betrayals that I received from the narcissist.”

That’s what the Module 4 work is all about, so clean those out until nothing remains.

You can then use the bonus Goal Setting Module with this goal, “It’s safe to love, trust, and let go. I allow and receive space to be independent, and I know all information that I need to keep me safe is always going to come to me.” You can, of course, word this in a way that it feels right for you. Clear everything in the way of that until you get to a 10 out of 10.

I had to do these shifts myself, so you can take it from me personally that you’re not going to know yourself after these quantum shifts. Your anxious tendencies will melt away.




Avoidant Attachment Style

This is another very typical attachment style amongst people who are abused by narcissists. This may not make sense superficially, but when understand the deeper layers, the reasons become very clear.

If you are avoidant, it means you would rather go it alone. You find it hard to ask for help, accept help or delegate tasks to other people. You take most things on yourself because you don’t want the messy attachments of letting people into your life, where you might become entwined with them or let down by them.

You find it very hard to share your likes, wants and needs with people and you struggle to lay boundaries. If somebody oversteps a mark or says or does something that doesn’t feel comfortable or okay, you’d rather not speak up. You don’t stand in your own truth, values, and rights.

You don’t stand up for what you need with others, so it’s easier if you keep your distance from people. You don’t have many relationships, and within the ones that you do, you find it difficult to express love or your feelings.

Now, very cleverly, narcissists can come into an avoidant person’s life pretending to be everything that this person has been craving. They appear to lack the mess and the complications that the avoidant feels they have with other people. The avoidant perceives the narcissist as, “This person gets me and understands me and gives to me without strings. This person feels like me. It’s safe to connect with this person.” Whereas the narcissist was merely mimicking you, felt you out, and appeared to be everything you needed to feel like they were your other half.

Narcissists love to get with avoidants. Avoidants are very capable people who are usually very stable practically, very responsible, and they’re going to take on the heavy burdens themselves. They’re not going to put pressure on the narcissists to show up, step up, provide, or do the right thing.

The avoidant is the perfect partner for a narcissist. If the narcissist wants to be a narcissist and create numerous messes of irresponsibility and ridiculousness, then the avoidant (who by this stage is well and truly hooked in and trauma-bonded) will clean up all of the messes for them.

Before the narcissist came into their life, many avoidant people will have had short-term relationships with people that they didn’t fully commit to – including people with secure attachment styles who could have been really healthy for them. Someone with an avoidant personality style will opt out rather than become truly committed. However, a narcissist can capture their heart on a very deep level. Let me know in the comments if this has happened to you.

Now, if we go deeper again, there’s an absolute energetic match going on here. A narcissist is the ultimate avoidant because they never connect or commit to anybody. It may look like they do, but they emotionally never do because a narcissist is only committed to their own false self, their ego. Everyone else is merely a tool to serve the true master, the false self. Yet, the narcissist convinces the avoidant that they are the ultimate person worth committing to so an avoidant may give them their heart.

The avoidant personality forms in the first place as a result of not being validated or valued as a child. These children experience feelings of being unworthy of emotional and practical attention and support. At some stage they learned to give up and not ask for stuff, attention or care, and only rely on themselves because the constant rejection became too painful.

Alternatively, an avoidant personality can form as a result of a child receiving attention and care, but with so many controlling or abusive strings attached that the child decided it was much easier to disconnect, not ask for what they need and look after their needs for themselves. In this case, the anxious style and avoidant style may be interconnected, and I’ve seen this combination often in this community. Again, let me know in the comments if that’s true for you.

NARPers who recognise the unhealed avoidant pattern within themselves can use these healing suggestions

Use Module 1 or the Source Healing and Resolution Module (which is a personal favourite of mine) to target your inner trauma about being invisible, unimportant, unloved and unsupported as a child. Clear it all out until you can’t feel it in your body anymore, and then use the Goal Setting Module with this goal, “It’s safe to connect, ask for what I need, and receive it from available people. I can speak up and connect in my relationships safely.”

As always with the GSM, shift all resistance until you fully embody that goal and it is a 10 our of 10. This indicates that you’ve shifted, re-programmed and changed hugely within your inner being.

I would also suggest diligently working with Module 6 in NARP because this is the module about releasing responsibility for others who are not taking responsibility for themselves – this is otherwise a trap that avoidants can easily fall into.


Fearful Avoidant Attachment Style

The reason I’ve included this highly-traumatised style – some people don’t – is because our wonderful community is sadly filled with people expressing this style – and it’s perfectly understandable.

When you have a fearful avoidant style, you would love to be in love and be healthily loved like most people, but you’re too fearful of trying again. Unsurprisingly, an abusive narcissistic relationship can leave you terrified of getting hurt again and going through heartbreak, losses, and carnage of another failed relationship.

There are people in this category who say, “Well, never say never, but I’m never going to pursue it. This person would have to show up and be exactly what I’m looking for.”

In reality, their defences and their expectations are so high that it’s probably never going to happen. Or they could be so vigilantly looking for red flags and narcissism anytime they come across a potential person that they’re just not going to connect. They’ll run in the opposite direction.

This attachment style is caused by severe trauma such as neglect, rejection, abuse, or volatile or unpredictable circumstances. Many people seem to express this style in adulthood after experiencing narcissistic relationships.

Many people with fearful avoidance will have had periods in their life where they have spent years and years alone, even before the significant trauma of narcissism. They were expressing avoidance anyway. Oftentimes, these people did experience severe trauma in childhood, and their adult relationships only got worse every time they took the risk of starting a new one. Again, if that was you, let me know in the comments because I’ve seen that a lot.

Sadly and tragically, when this style is active within you, the relationships that get your attention are like the classic avoidant – a highly pathological and severely traumatic narcissist who knows how to appear as the person worth risking a relationship for.

To heal and come back from this, a fearful avoidant has to believe that they can heal let go of their pain and defences, and still be safe. This is not about being open to the pain and fear of another relationship. It’s about healing the traumas within yourself – so you don’t even have to put yourself at risk with another relationship while you’re doing this.

The entire NARP program is the way to go free from the significant trauma of abusive people from childhood through to adulthood system – step by step from Module 1 onwards to Module 10,.There are many fearful avoidants who’ve healed into beautiful lives and relationships, because they now express themselves as people with a secure attachment style, and thus attract other securely attached people.


Disorganised Attachment Style

This is another highly traumatized attachment style, and it slightly differs from the avoidant in that these people do seek out love. They crave it. They’re frenetic about it. They are rarely alone.

In relationships, they suffer from highly charged and destabilizing feelings of needing constant attention and reassurance, yet struggle to trust it and accept it.

These people have very low self-esteem, don’t value themselves and don’t believe that they’re lovable. They get in very dramatic, painful, explosive, abusive relationships.

Here, we have a lot of unhealed trauma from childhood, usually due to being brought up by a sick, personality disordered caretaker who was volatile, abusive, dismissive and unpredictable.

We may not imagine that narcissists would want to target these people as we may believe that narcissists are only interested in less traumatised people who have lots to. This is untrue for a couple of reasons.

Firstly, people with a disorganised attachment style share much in common with any other traumatised person. Whenever there is unhealed trauma, then narcissists come in – because traumatised people don’t have a strongly defined self, a firm sense of their own values, or healthy boundaries.

And just like other traumatised people, those with a disorganised attachment style can be highly attractive, creative, amazing people who have achieved great success in their chosen field because many people overcompensate in the world as a result of pain from their childhoods.

Secondly, people with a disorganised attachment style are often exciting. They’re funny and they are very generous with their sex and affection because they crave connection. They suffer from a lack of boundaries, which makes it very easy for narcissists to enmesh with them and then use them for their own purposes.

Narcissists also love the drama of being with people who are highly emotionally affected by them. For narcissists, good or bad attention is all the same. It’s attention and it feeds their ego. Narcissists also have a sadistic streak and they love to emotionally beat-up traumatised people – it’s how they offload their own unhealed trauma onto somebody else and then turn it all around and make it their fault.

Please have hope if you know that you’ve been locked into the disorganized style because of the trauma in your life. Over the last 10 years in this community, I’ve had many people with a disorganized attachment style heal their deep wounds with NARP and go on to create wonderful relationships firstly with their own self and life, and then with healthy others.

Of course, it takes inner work and self-dedication. It also requires the person to go on a determined ‘relationship fast’ until they work through their inner healing. With NARP, it’s usually around 6 to 12 months before they can start thinking about relationships, because this is the time needed to ensure they are steady and secure in their own self-worth, self-value and boundaries. Once a person understands Thriver-empowered dating, they don’t hand their power and their souls away again to narcissistic people, and so following this process can lead to fabulour results.

I know that a few of my friends in this community have broken through from having a disorganised attachment style. If you are one of these people , please share your results in the comment section so that you can give hope to others who are going through the pain of having this attachment style.


Where Do Narcissists Fit Into Attachment Styles?

The short answer is nowhere – and as Thrivers in healing, we really don’t want to try to work them out. There’s absolutely no value in working out a narcissist attachment style because there’s a dire overlay here that shrouds all styles when we’re talking about narcissists.

The narcissist is a false self, and that means they’ve buried their true self. They’ve created a fictitious ego character in its place. They’re not operating from self-awareness or a desire to heal anything.

Narcissists don’t view relationships in the same way as other people, because to them, other people are nothing more than objects to feed their false selves. Narcissists could exhibit some of the traits of any of the relationship styles – but there is no healing or solution for them, because narcissists don’t do relationships – they do takeovers. They do harvesting and exploiting other people, at those people’s expense. They’re not interested in relationship and unity as we are.


In Conclusion

I hope that makes sense to you, and that this Thriver TV has helped you understand the relationship between attachment styles and trauma. I hope it has helped you as much as I enjoyed creating it.

Please let me know in the comments what attachment style you relate to. Have you healed beyond that now? Are you still in that? Would you like to heal it?

If this has resonated with you and you would love to start healing with the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program (NARP) and our incredible community, then please consider becoming an NARP member today.

Please know you don’t have to do this alone, because you have me and the other Thrivers here, and in the private NARP Community Forum to help you every step of the way.

As always I look forward to your comments and questions below. Until the next one, keep smiling, keep healing, and keep thriving because there is nothing else to do. Lots of love.


children are caught in the middle during divorce

What Happens When Children Are Caught in the Middle During Divorce?

children are caught in the middle during divorce


If you’ve been through a divorce or, you are thinking about divorce one of your main concerns will be how your divorce will impact your children. Study after study relates to the ways in which divorce negatively impacts children. It’s no wonder parents worry about their children’s welfare based on common information about the subject of children and divorce.

Divorce can negatively impact children but there are ways to keep that from happening. You should know that the impact your divorce will have on your children dependents mainly on how you and your spouse choose to treat each other during and after divorce and, how you choose to parent.

Children who witness conflict between their parents during and after divorce or, feel as if they have been put in the middle of that conflict are negatively impacted by divorce. If you want your divorce to do little harm to your children, it’s your job to keep down the conflict and keep them out of the middle of problems between you and your ex.

You may feel that conflict during divorce is unavoidable or the fault of the other parent, regardless of what you feel, it is imperative that you take the steps needed to keep your children from witnessing conflict and feeling stuck in the middle of two angry parents.

Below are 4 ways children are caught in the middle during divorce:

  1. When parents use their children as a messenger or a means of finding out information about the other parent’s home, dating life, and social activities.
  2. Negative comments about the other parent made by you, friends or family members.
  3. Sharing adult details about the problems between the parents. Details such as information about infidelity, legal divorce proceedings or the reason for the divorce.
  4. Garnering the child’s favor in an attempt to use the child to punish the other parent.
  5. Talking to the child about money issues. A late child support check, a lack of money needed to pay the rent…adult financial problems that children have no control over.

Divorce brings an end to your marriage, it doesn’t bring an end to your duties as a parent. One of those duties is to put a concerted effort into positively co-parenting with your child’s other parent. Below are a few suggestions that will help.

Choosing the parenting style that fits well for you and your ex will keep your child out of the middle:

Parallel Parenting After Divorce

If there is a lot of conflict between you and your ex, parallel parenting is appropriate. Why? Parallel parenting allows each parent to remain a part of the child’s life while reducing the need for contact with each other. When parallel parenting, there is very little communication which, in turn, keeps down the conflict and protects the child from being impacted in a negative manner.

When parallel parenting, parents:

  1. Communicate through email, a third party or an app like Family Wizard to stay informed about issues involving the children. Discussions are strictly about the children and no personal issues between the parents. Use of a phone to communicate is only done in cases of an emergency.
  2. Schedules such as visitation, vacations and holidays are strictly kept. There is no negotiating for different days and times to keep down the likelihood of conflicts arising.
  3. There is a set residency agreed upon or ordered by the courts. When the children are in the care of one or the other parent in their residence neither parent interferes with social activities, routines or anything that takes place in the other parent’s residence.
  4. Neither parent has any influence over the other parent and how that parent chooses to spend time with their children. If one parent has an issue with the way the other parent is choosing to parent in their residence, the court is used to settle the issue.
  5. Parenting is treated as a business arrangement. Common courtesy is shown at all times and agreements are honored because the sole purpose of parallel parenting is to do what is best for your children.
  6. When communication or negotiation is necessary, parents can choose to have a third party involved to witness and if needed mediate and conflict that arises.
  7. Child support payments are filtered through the court or a child support collection bureau to keep down any possibility of late payment or conflicts of over payments.

Cooperative Parenting After Divorce

Cooperative parenting works best when there is low conflict between parents and the parents are able to work together for the sake of the children. With cooperative parenting, there is more flexibility when it comes to visitation schedules and residency issues.

When cooperative parenting, parents:

  1. Parents form a friendly business relationship that revolves around the needs of their children. A courteous and polite relationship is one that will go a long way toward making sure children have what they need from each parent.
  2. Parents are able to talk, face-to-face about parenting issues as they arise. They are able to stick to the topic at hand without becoming distracted by old relationship issues.
  3. They don’t expect praise or emotional support from each other. They realize that part of their relationship has ended. But, they are able to show empathy and to support each other during difficult parenting issues.
  4. Keep all discussions about parenting, visitation, schedules and such to themselves and don’t involve the children. They come to a firm decision, as parents, before involving the children in their decisions.
  5. Are able to, at all times, put their children’s needs above their needs and feelings. Their relationship with the other parent is strictly about what is best for their children.
  6. Are able to communicate via phone or in person without engaging in conflict.
  7. Child support checks are mailed directly to the parent receiving the support. Due to their business like relationship, they both understand the importance of meeting their financial obligations to their children.

Whether parallel parenting or cooperative parenting, it is important to remember that one method is not better than the other. Each method will result in lower conflict and, as a result, better parenting. And, that is your goal as parents, better parenting and keeping your child out of the middle of your divorce issues.

The post What Happens When Children Are Caught in the Middle During Divorce? appeared first on Divorced Moms.


Unhappy woman.jpg

The Reason Happiness Is Ellusive For So Many Women

Unhappy woman.jpg

Nothing positive can begin to happen in your life until you realize your own value and self-worth. Otherwise, you will continue to feel like a victim of unhappiness.


The reason you may not be happy, I mean truly happy in your heart and your soul is that you haven’t yet learned the value of making YOUR needs a priority in your life! In other words, making the relationship you have with yourself the most important investment of your time and energy!

The common female response to this is, “But I would feel guilty and selfish if I put myself before the needs of my children, husband, and family!” As loyal and admirable as that sounds, it’s also the reason why many women continue to feel emotionally stuck, resentful, and even jealous when they reflect upon their lives. This often happens when a healthy balance between meeting your needs and the needs of your family and friends is not met!

As a healer, many of my women clients share that even though they have a lot of positive things to be grateful for in their lives – a loving partner, supportive family, well-behaved children, a good-paying job, their health, etc., they still don’t feel happy and it frustrates them because they can’t understand why! They then ask me if I know why and what they are doing wrong.

The common mistake unhappy women always make is…

They often confuse self-love with being selfish. In order to feel genuine happiness, you need to make a conscious effort to nurture a healthy relationship with yourself as well as meeting the needs of others! Otherwise, how can you possibly make someone else happy if you’re not happy yourself?

Factoring in the time it takes to develop and maintain a healthy relationship with yourself will require both your time and energy to effectively satisfy your needs, and inspire creativity in order to accomplish your goals and dreams. Therefore, this cannot be an option or something you get around to doing only if you have time left over in your day!

You’ll need to make the time and energy a priority each day along with every other priority!

Making oneself a priority might sound like an easy thing to do, however, it’s not for most women!  Unfortunately, many women are hard-wired to believe meeting their needs before others as being selfish due to their cultural or religious upbringing. Others, like me, inherited this belief from our mothers, our first female role models. I was only allowed to meet my daily needs after my family’s needs were met first.

Unfortunately, that strategy left me with little or no time, motivation or energy to pursue my own passion. Hence the lack of joy in my life! As a result, each day became very predictable and lacked any sense of fun or adventure. It didn’t take long before I became bored with myself! With nothing exciting to look forward to each day, I began enjoying other people’s drama and soon found myself losing energy to anger and jealousy towards women I believed had everything I thought would make me happy…an attentive husband, extra money to pamper myself, respectful children and the perfect body! I didn’t know then but I was beginning to lose myself to negative fear-based feelings such as anger, resentment, and envy towards any woman who had the life I envisioned for myself. I believed that being me meant having no fun until I met her.

Each day I would wake up and prepare both my husband and children for their day before beginning my “wifely” chores and duties. And each morning I would stare outside my front window and watch my neighbor sitting comfortably in her lawn chair reading a book and enjoying a nice cup of hot coffee while her son played happily beside her. “How does she have time to do this every morning?” I wondered. Wow, I wish I had the time to sit and drink coffee too, but I don’t!

My sarcastic, judgmental thoughts about this woman I didn’t even know  would awaken the victim in me and before long I felt totally justified feeling jealous and angry towards her for no apparent reason. “Doesn’t she have better things to do with her time than sit there every morning and drink coffee all day? It must be nice to be her!

One day, I just couldn’t take watching her enjoy herself any longer so I walked over to her, and shared a few common pleasantries until I landed the opportune moment to ask her, “So how do you find the time each morning to sit and enjoy a hot cup of coffee while being a busy mom? You must have a hundred things to do as I do!”  She just smiled and said, “Yes, I do have a hundred things to do. But, the reason I have time for coffee every day and you don’t is because I believe I deserve it. Don’t you feel you deserve it too?” she asked.

You make the positive happen!

Nothing positive can begin to happen in your life until you realize your own value and self-worth. Otherwise, you will continue to feel like a victim of unhappiness. You will feel frustratingly stuck and develop negative feelings of anger and resentment towards yourself and others. Especially, when it “seems” like other women are happier than you are and living more fulfilling lives. However, the lack you are truly experiencing is the lack of a healthy relationship with yourself!

In order to be “happy” and content in your life you have to like, dare I say “love” the relationship you have with yourself. This is what self-love is; which ultimately leads to self-happiness. Self-love enables you to make your needs a priority in your life which leads to experiencing true, authentic happiness. So remember, the key to being happy – guilt free – is to strike a healthy balance of both giving to yourself and giving to others. This will satisfy your natural desire to want to nurture others without neglecting to nurture yourself too!

Oh, and by the way. My answer to my neighbor’s offer for coffee was, “A DEFINITE YES!” Today, we still make time to have a coffee together since our first coffee experience over 20 years ago! Who would have thought that that simple question started my journey into developing and nurturing a healthy relationship with myself and experiencing what true authentic self-happiness really is?

So now I pose the same question to you, my friend…”Will you take the time for a coffee break today?” I sure hope so because you definitely deserve it!

The post The Reason Happiness Is Ellusive For So Many Women appeared first on Divorced Moms.


dating mistakes

8 Dating Mistakes To Avoid When Dating After Divorce

dating mistakes

You didn’t expect to wind up back in the dating pool when you exchanged vows in front of your family and friends. Now you are alone again and longing for a new relationship. Whether you are happy or sad about it, it’s definitely not easy.

Are you still hoping to find love again? If so, don’t despair.

There is a great chance of finding just the right partner for you. In order to get to that goal, you will most likely have to go on a few dates.

Avoid these 8 dating mistakes in order to give yourself the best chance of dating success.

1. Not taking time to heal is one of the costliest dating mistakes

This is one of the most important dating mistakes that you need to avoid. Due to feeling panicky, you may wind up jumping into the dating pool right after your divorce in order to reassure yourself that you will not spend the rest of your life alone. This, however, can lead to fiascos and disappointments and make you feel even worse. There are three aspects of emotional healing that you should address prior to considering dating after divorce. This will help you avoid many other dating mistakes.

2. Being coy in terms of what you truly want can deter good men

I’ve seen many women in the dating scene trying to fit in and avoid showing their true colors. This is not because they are fake, bad personalities,  or liars. Many women are influenced by societal norms to think that they are not good enough the way they are. They’ve read articles that say “Don’t come across as too desperate to hop into another relationship.”

So, they go on dates being shy to express what they are truly after, a committed, loving relationship. And, you shouldn’t be too desperate. But, dating should be purposeful. This is the place to show your true authentic self so that you can find a guy who will be thrilled to be with you.

Avoid this dating mistake by being clear and assertive about what you are after. This exudes confidence and helps you eliminate the guys that are not on the same path as you are. Men love this anyhow.

3. Taking the dating process too seriously leads to high expectations

This dating mistake can lead to making you feel and possibly come across as desperate. Dating is meant to be fun. Although your goal is to find a life partner, your agenda for a specific date is to have fun, enjoy dinner, and get to know the person you are meeting. With this approach, you will feel less anxious and you will be able to pick up important information about your date. You will be able to get a better sense of how this particular man relates to you.

4. Not dating more than one person at the time

If you date only one man, you don’t get a chance to open yourself up to various opportunities. This dating mistake can lead you to put all your eggs in the wrong basket. Consider dating as a job interview where you are the interviewer who is selecting the candidates. Think about how many candidates a company interviews for a position. You are selecting a life partner. I think you get the picture.

5. Jumping too quickly into another committed relationship

Committing too early can strip away the joy that comes with initial courtship. Why not allow this process to unfold naturally? Put some brakes on. Allow the men who are courting you to prove to you that they are worthy of your heart and commitment. Doing so will allow you to make an informed decision regarding your lifetime partner. When you allow more time to pass, you will be able to see the guy in potential crisis situations and how he reacts to your ups and downs, etc.

It’s reassuring to see when he is able to handle these kinds of situations with grace. After all, you are not seeking to have just any relationship, but you are seeking to find the one that you will be stoked about.

6. Expecting that happiness will come one day when you find “the right one.”

Going on dates with this mindset will only turn away good prospects. Remember, the law of attraction? If you are happy, you are more likely to attract and be attracted to a happy person. If you are not basically happy within yourself, it’s not likely that your relationship will be a happy one. Besides, this expectation puts a great deal of burden on another person and it leads to failure. The quest for making someone else happy can’t be fulfilled and relationships based on this attraction (depressed person and someone who will rescue and make them happy) often lead to frustration.

7. Giving up too early if you don’t see initial sparks

This dating mistake stems from the notion that we need to have an epic initial attraction in order to continue dating someone. You have to remember that you are not 17 anymore. With divorce under your belt and your hormones being more mature, you may not be able to have the same kinds of reactions as when you were younger. This is a good thing actually. Being less excitable will allow you to build a bond based on deeper attraction and compatibility.

So, give it a chance. See how it develops. Enjoy the friendship and date the person for a while before you throw in the towel.

8. Being stuck on the same selection criteria as when you were in your 20t’s

You did your best to find the right partner for your marriage when you were young. You two seemed like the perfect pair and everyone wondered why you divorced. Usually, when we are getting married the first time when we are young, we rely on specific criteria. We want to find a compatible partner, and we look into his education, job, looks, cultural background, etc. These are very important aspects, but it’s evident that we may not be a good match in spite of all these aspects aligning well.

At this point in your life, what matters is that you can have a good supportive friends and that you can enjoy spending a lot of time together. This discussion goes back to the healing process where you determine what works for you at this time of life. You’ve changed who you are, and you will not have the same values in life. Even if your new partner is not on the same academic level as you are, you two may be able to have the most interesting stimulating conversations and a great emotional connection.

Avoid these dating mistakes if you want to have a successful dating life after divorce. Start with healing, and when you are emotionally ready to date, enjoy the process of dating without too serious an agenda. Go get to know people and have fun!

The post 8 Dating Mistakes To Avoid When Dating After Divorce appeared first on Divorced Moms.


trial separation

Trial Separation Or Divorce: Which Is Right For Your?

trial separation

Right now you may not stand the sound of his voice but, that doesn’t mean divorce is inevitable. 


Couples who have become disillusioned with their marriage but aren’t ready to take the permanent step of divorce have the option of either entering into a legal separation or a trial separation.

I am of the belief that all states should have divorce laws that require a period of “separation” or living apart before a legal divorce can be filed. The decision to divorce can be driven by negative emotions that get in the way of one making a rational choice.

Time away from the marriage and spouse can, at times clear one’s thinking and help reality intrude into the fantasy idea of being single again and all the wonders that they believe come along with flying solo.

John and Amanda had been married for 16 years when John went out of the country on business for two months. John found himself loving his freedom and time away from the responsibilities of being a married, family man.

Once he returned to the U.S. John filed for a divorce from Amanda and moved into his own apartment. He loved life and his freedom until Amanda started dating and became seriously involved with someone six months after their divorce was final.

Suddenly John had to face the reality of his wife with another man and the possibility of another man living and helping raise his children. And this is when he began to regret his move to divorce so quickly. If John had taken time away from his marriage via a trial separation there is a strong chance that his marriage would have survived and he would not be living with the pain of his actions.

Regardless of why you feel the need to divorce it is in your best interest to try either a trial or legal separation before dissolving your marriage altogether.

What Is The Difference Between a Trial and Legal Separation?

A trial separation is an informal agreement between two spouses to live apart. There are no legal agreements, lawyers or judges involved.

During a legal separation, a couple decides to live separately and will use a family court attorney to draw up a legal separation agreement that outlines such issues as child custody, who pays the bills, who lives where, and the duration of the separation.

3 Pros of a Trial Separation

  1. It gives you a cooling-off period to work through any negative emotions you feel about the marriage or your spouse. Spending time apart from each other can, at times, help you see marriage and marital problems in a different light.
  2. You don’t have to spend money on an attorney to take care of any legal issues. I do suggest you set some rules and discuss how you expect each to behave during the trial separation.
  3.  Time away to do some navel gazing and examine how you may have played a role in marital problems. It takes two to make a marriage and two to break a marriage. Identifying your role in the marital problems will make it more clear the changes you need to make in order for the marriage to survive.

2 Cons of a Trial Separation

  1. Any and all financial obligations remain during the time of the trial separation. If your spouse goes out and buys a car during a trial separation that debt will be considered marital debt should you decide to divorce and not have the protection offered by a legal separation agreement?
  2. Any work bonuses and winnings such as the lottery will also be considered marital property and split 50/50 should there be a divorce.

I would suggest that any couple involved in either a trial or legal separation seek professional family/marital counseling during the separation period. Time apart can help cool down negative emotions but it will not teach relationship skills which will be needed because if you don’t learn a new way of dealing with marital problems the same problems will surface again.

The post Trial Separation Or Divorce: Which Is Right For Your? appeared first on Divorced Moms.