passive aggressive man

Why Did I Marry a Passive-Aggressive Man? Here’s What I’ve Learned

passive aggressive man

I was in love with love and this passive-aggressive man who, from all outward appearances, had a lot of love to give.


It takes a special kind of woman to choose and marry a passive-aggressive man. The woman who marries the passive aggressive man was taught in her family of origin to accept a high level of frustration for a minimal level of love and caring.

What does that mean? How about we use me as an example? When I was a child, my father was constantly withdrawing from my mother. He was an alcoholic who found it easier to deal with problems by drinking.

His withdrawal frustrated my mother, who became resentful at his withdrawal. As an adult, it makes sense that I would choose a man who mirrored what I had grown up witnessing.

When we first met, my ex-husband was charming, needy, and couldn’t be around me enough. He was every woman’s idea of the perfect m, in the beginning. Never once did I question his lack of relationship with his family. Or the fact that he didn’t have any long-term friendships.

I was in love with love, and this man, who, from all outward appearances, had a lot of love to give. What I didn’t understand at the time was, due to my childhood, I was conditioned to rescue the needy, to help them, help themselves.

The Passive-Aggressive Man Cycles Between Hostility and Withdrawal

The passive-aggressive man’s behavior cycles between hostility and withdrawal. If you become involved with a passive-aggressive man within a few months, you will come face to face with a man who is either very hostile or shuts down and withdraws.

In some cases, the passive-aggressive man will do both.

I remember the first time my ex withdrew from me. It was while we were still dating. He was unable to form an emotional connection with me, but instead of taking responsibility for his own inability, he behaved as if I was the one with an issue.

I willingly took on the responsibility.

I made his faults my fault. I convinced myself I was not doing enough to keep him happy. The funny thing is, the harder I worked on the relationship the more he withdrew.

My entire marriage consisted of me trying to find solutions to our problems and him withdrawing further and further away, both emotionally and intimately.

A Woman Married to the Passive Aggressive Man Lives Daily Attempting to Connect With Her Husband

Her attempts to connect threaten him and bring to the surface his fear of attachment, which means more withdrawal. The cycle goes on and on and on!

What happens when someone you love dismisses your efforts and withdraws? You become angry and frustrated. Your attempts to communicate calmly turns into deeper resentment and anger. In response to your frustration and anger, he withdraws a bit more, and you both end up not having your needs met because the more you try, the further he withdraws.

The passive-aggressive husband won’t return his wife’s anger. He will get back at her in covert ways, though. He will withhold affection, and forget important dates…if it is something she needs, he will make sure she doesn’t get it.

There is a Reason Passive Aggressive Behavior is Called Crazy Making Behavior

His covert anger drives the wife of the passive-aggressive man crazy.

The crazier she feels, the angrier she becomes, and the yelling and screaming become a desperate attempt to be heard by a husband who refuses to listen.

The passive-aggressive man fears becoming emotionally attached to a woman. Lessons he learned in his childhood taught him that doing so isn’t safe. What happens when the passive-aggressive man’s wife becomes angry? His fears are confirmed; she is not safe, and he is not safe in the relationship.

The woman who marries the passive-aggressive man spends a lot of time hoping for more than her husband is willing to give her. She wants closeness, cooperation, love, and attention. She wants actions and behaviors from him that show her he loves her.

By the time my marriage to my passive-aggressive husband came to an end, I had no self-esteem. I don’t think I’ve ever felt as lonely, and the sense of abandonment by my own husband was overwhelming.

The loneliness I experienced in my marriage was worse than any I had ever felt as a single woman.

The passive-aggressive man sabotages his marriage, but it takes that one special woman to enable him to do so. That woman who, in dealing with her own issues, is attracted to the walking wounded. That woman who goes above and beyond when it comes to making a relationship work.

And she will continue to attract passive-aggressive men until she realizes that, as an adult woman, she has the ability to limit how much damage another person can do to her life. Being loved should never mean turning yourself inside out for anyone. Being loved means knowing when to set boundaries, knowing your own worth, and if need be, walking away from a man who does nothing but withdraws and withholds what you desire.

FAQs About Passive-Aggressive Men:

What kind of woman marries a passive-aggressive man?

The woman who was neglected at home marries a passive-aggressive man. Her family taught her to accept a great deal of frustration for a minimum level of love and caring.

How do I know if I am involved with a passive-aggressive man?

Within a few months of your involvement with him, a passive-aggressive man would reveal his true colors. A passive-aggressive man would either show intense hostile behavior towards you or withdraw when you need his support.

Is withdrawal a trait of a passive-aggressive man?

The traits of a passive-aggressive man will include withdrawal and hostility. Most passive-aggressive men will show at least one trait during their interaction in a relationship. In some cases, a passive-aggressive man will show both.

Can I make my relationship work with a passive-aggressive man?

You will not be able to make your relationship work with a passive-aggressive man unless you’re willing to leave yourself at his mercy. The more you try to improve your relationship with him, the more he withdraws.

How do passive-aggressive husbands react to anger?

A passive-aggressive husband will withhold his anger when his wife is angry with him. He will react later in covert ways by withholding his affection, refusing to show up at events important to his wife, not giving what she needs, etc.

Does a passive-aggressive man emotionally attach himself to a woman?

A passive-aggressive man is dreaded to attach himself emotionally to a woman because of the lessons he has learned in his childhood. He has been taught that attachment isn’t safe, and he will only hurt himself by doing so. When his wife gets angry, he is reminded of his lessons: she’s not safe, and he’s not safe in his relationship.

What happens to the wife of a passive-aggressive man?

The wife of a passive-aggressive man would spend a lot of time in despair, hoping for love and attention from her husband. She should know that her passive-aggressive husband is incapable of giving her what she needs the most in her relationship.

Do wives of passive-aggressive husbands feel lonely?

The wives of passive-aggressive men feel the sort of loneliness they had never experienced in their life as single women.

What kind of women are passive-aggressive men attracted to?

Passive-aggressive men are attracted to women who are vulnerable and dealing with their own issues. A woman who would make every effort to make her relationship work even with a passive-aggressive man. She should know that she is not destined to live a miserable life, and she has the power to limit how much harm another person can do to her life.

"@context": "",
"@type": "FAQPage",
"mainEntity": [{
"@type": "Question",
"name": "What kind of a woman marries a passive aggressive man?",
"acceptedAnswer": {
"@type": "Answer",
"text": "The woman who was neglected at home marries a passive aggressive man. Her family taught her to accept a great deal of frustration for a minimum level of love and caring."
"@type": "Question",
"name": "How do I know if I am involved with a passive aggressive man?",
"acceptedAnswer": {
"@type": "Answer",
"text": "Within a few months of your involvement with him, a passive aggressive man would reveal his true colors. A passive aggressive man would either show an intense hostile behavior towards you or withdraw when you need his support."
"@type": "Question",
"name": "Is withdrawal a trait of a passive aggressive man?",
"acceptedAnswer": {
"@type": "Answer",
"text": "The traits of a passive aggressive man will include withdrawal and hostility. Most passive aggressive men will show at least one trait during their interaction in a relationship. In some cases, a passive aggressive man will show both."
"@type": "Question",
"name": "Can I make my relationship work with a passive aggressive man?",
"acceptedAnswer": {
"@type": "Answer",
"text": "You will not be able to make your relationship work with a passive aggressive man unless you're willing to leave yourself at his mercy. The more you try to improve your relationship with him, the more he withdraws."
"@type": "Question",
"name": "How do passive aggressive husbands react to anger?",
"acceptedAnswer": {
"@type": "Answer",
"text": "A passive aggressive husband will withhold his anger when his wife is angry with him. He will react later in covert ways by withholding his affection, refusing to show up at events important to his wife, not giving what she needs, etc."
"@type": "Question",
"name": "Does a passive aggressive man emotionally attach himself to a woman?",
"acceptedAnswer": {
"@type": "Answer",
"text": "A passive aggressive man is dreaded to attach himself emotionally to a woman because of the lessons he has learnt in his childhood. He has been taught that attachment isn’t safe, and he will only hurt himself by doing so. When his wife gets angry, he is reminded of his lessons: she’s not safe and he’s not safe in his relationship."
"@type": "Question",
"name": "What happens to the wife of a passive aggressive man?",
"acceptedAnswer": {
"@type": "Answer",
"text": "The wife of a passive aggressive man would spend a lot of time in despair, hoping for love and attention from her husband. She should know that her passive aggressive husband is incapable of giving her what she needs the most in her relationship."
"@type": "Question",
"name": "Do wives of passive aggressive husbands feel lonely ?",
"acceptedAnswer": {
"@type": "Answer",
"text": "The wives of passive aggressive men feel the sort of loneliness they had never experienced in their lifetime as single women."
"@type": "Question",
"name": "What kind of women are passive aggressive men attracted to?",
"acceptedAnswer": {
"@type": "Answer",
"text": "The passive aggressive men are attracted to women who are vulnerable, and dealing with their own issues. A woman who would make every effort to make her relationship work even with a passive aggressive man. She should know that she is not destined to live a miserable life, and she has the power to limit how much harm another person can do to her life."

The post Why Did I Marry a Passive-Aggressive Man? Here’s What I’ve Learned appeared first on Divorced Moms.


How Do You Know If You're Ready For a New Relationship

How Do You Know If You’re Ready For a New Relationship After Divorce?

How Do You Know If You're Ready For a New Relationship


You’ve been out of the dating scene for a long time. You’ve also just gone through the stress of divorce. You want to date and possibly build a new relationship with a member of the opposite sex.

Knowing when to date after divorce means you must know yourself and your relationship patterns. It also means being ready mentally, emotionally and physically.

Are you ready?

How do you know you are ready for a new relationship, though?

Attitude is Everything When Dating After Divorce

There are people who allow the end of their marriage to destroy them. They hold onto painful feelings, resentment, and fear of spending the rest of their lives stuck in the past. Others refuse to give in to the negative feelings by working through the process in a proactive way.

These people find that divorce is not only an ending but also a new beginning. They don’t live life based on what was done to them in the past but, on what is possible for them in the future. They are the ones who thrive and survive and find fulfilling new relationships after divorce. So, before you consider a new relationship put on a positive attitude about what you’ve been through!

Personal Growth Precedes New Relationships After Divorce

There is no greater motivator than emotional pain when it comes to taking stock and gaining needed insights into one’s own quirks and negative behaviors.

People who are able to move on to rich, rewarding lives and healthy relationships after divorce don’t allow anger and resentment to keep them from finding a better way of living.

It takes determination and a willingness to heal old wounds before you are ready for a new relationship. Owning the role you played in the demise of your marriage, working to make needed adjustments in the way you interact in a relationship gives you a better chance at succeeding in your next relationship.

There Are Lessons to Be Learned Before Dating After Divorce

No one is blameless when it comes to divorce. Take responsibility for your mistakes. If you don’t you will carry the same mixed-up perceptions and “baggage” into the next relationship.

Examine your expectations of what a relationship should be and work at identifying any skewed beliefs you have. Work on correcting negative issues you have and then get on with your life. Just remember, the pain is there for a reason. Don’t let the lesson you need to learn to get away from you.

Forgiveness is for You Not the One You Forgive

Any anger and resentment you have toward your ex will linger until you are able to forgive them. I know that is easier said than done but, forgiveness is given so that you can empty your heart of any negative emotions. Negative emotions will affect you emotionally, spiritually, mentally, and physically if you hold on to them.

Until you can let go of old resentments, you have nothing to offer in a new relationship. So, drop the “baggage” and get on with your life. Lighten your load by forgiving what was done to you. You don’t have to forget it, that would be letting your guard down and opening yourself to bad treatment in future relationships.

Forgiving is about ridding yourself of negative feelings that hold you back from being able to engage in a new relationship with a clean slate.

Your Marriage is Dead Not You

Divorce marks the end of a marriage. Mourn the loss and then lay it to rest. You are still very much alive. Your heart still beats and your soul still yearns for an attachment to another.

Your marriage may be dead but you are alive and kicking. Nurture your heart and soul by treating the ending of your marriage as a new beginning. An opportunity to grow, hold yourself responsible, and practice the art of forgiveness. If you can do these things you will find that love the next time around will be better than you thought possible.

The post How Do You Know If You’re Ready For a New Relationship After Divorce? appeared first on Divorced Moms.


man and woman arguing over a child

Co-Parenting with a Narcissist: Identify and Neutralize Your Triggers

man and woman arguing over a child


When you end a relationship with a narcissist, the ideal healing environment is one in which all contact is severed.  Unfortunately, when you have children with a narcissist, eliminating all communication is not an option.  Whether you like it or not, you must find a way to effectively co-parent with your toxic ex for the children’s best interest.

Anyone who has been in a relationship with a narcissist understands that relying on them to come to the table and rationally cooperate to make decisions for the children is usually not possible.  Especially if you initiated the divorce or breakup, the narcissist would take any need to communicate with you as an opportunity to punish, bully, and manipulate you.  It may feel like you’re facing two equally unattractive options; either continue to let your toxic ex use your child as a conduit to maintain control over you (what’s the point in even being divorced?), or refuse to communicate at all which will land you in hot water with the courts.

But there is a way to set healthy boundaries, maintain them in a responsive–as opposed to a reactive–manner, and create accountability to not only hold the narcissist responsible for toxic behavior but to prevent it altogether.

As your relationship with a narcissist progressed, your mental and emotional state was gradually altered.  The process was so imperceptible that it’s possible that you woke up one day and didn’t realize who you were anymore.

The starting point, therefore, is evaluating your own mental and emotional transformation that took place throughout your relationship with the narcissist.  As life with a narcissist becomes more difficult and confusing, you adapt to the abuse in ways that make it easier to function in your daily life.  This was actually a preservation mechanism to fool yourself into believing that you had some control.  While you needed these adaptations to keep your head above water, those coping skills consequently served to justify, minimize, and excuse the narcissist’s behavior.

In my own experience surviving a marriage with a narcissist, I used to tell myself that I was simply taking the path of least resistance in an effort to keep the peace for myself and the children.  In hindsight, I was sinking lower and lower into a manipulative and emotionally abusive relationship until, one day, I woke up and couldn’t even make simple decisions for myself anymore.

As such, the same defenses that helped you survive may have contributed to you staying trapped in a toxic relationship.  Essentially, the narcissist has conditioned you to react, and you now have to go through the process of retraining your brain and habits.

You can never control a narcissist, and you will never be able to change their behavior with love, compassion, or empathy, as they have no value to the narcissist.  You can never make them be reasonable.  You can never make them empathize with you or have compassion for you.  You can only control yourself, and by learning what triggers a negative reaction in you and why, you can alter how you respond.  By doing this, you will begin to show the narcissist that they cannot control you.

Co-Parenting with a Narcissist

If you can identify and neutralize your triggers, the narcissist will soon realize that he or she no longer has power over you when those buttons are pushed. So how do you assess how your emotional state has changed and determine your triggers?


Educate yourself about narcissism, the abuse cycle, narcissistic relationships, and healing from narcissistic trauma. Once you more clearly understand what you are dealing with, you will be much better at dealing with your emotions and controlling your actions, responding versus reacting.

In short, a narcissist is looking for their “supply.”  Whereas a reasonably well-adapted person seeks to give and receive love and affection, a narcissist has such a low opinion of themselves that they seek constant praise and admiration to bolster their deficient sense of self.  When the admiration wanes, the narcissist turns to bullying and nasty behavior because putting you down gives them gives the sense of superiority that they crave.  If you are in the midst of a divorce, or navigating post-divorce issues, you are likely experiencing the latter version.  Dismantling your vulnerabilities so they have no power over you when triggered is the first step.


“Accept it as if you chose it.”  You can’t expect a toxic person to behave reasonably.  When you accept that this is how they communicate, it will mitigate your frustration and disappointment.  Once you accept that a narcissist’s behavior is a defect in their personality, you will understand that narcissists behave as they do to elicit a reaction in you.  They know what strings to pull to get you to dance the way they want as if you’re a marionette. Accept and expect that this behavior will be something that you will have to deal with.  The key is to be neutral, no positive or negative reactions. The more you are able to keep calm and not react to their triggers, the less power they have over you.  So how do you do that?


If you think back to when you entered the relationship, there’s a good chance you were in some kind of vulnerable state.  This could be a specific life event, such as a breakup or job loss, or perhaps you’re part of a marginalized group.  Being dependent on another person’s emotional state causes you to be prone to be controlled or manipulated.  Quite often, our vulnerabilities trace back to childhood events or trauma.  This was actually the thing that likely attracted the narcissist to you in the first place.  They can see your vulnerability, and press on that soft spot to keep you in the cycle of control and abuse.  By identifying your vulnerabilities, you can start to break them down so that it no longer elicits an emotional response.


So what exactly is a trigger?  It’s some form of external stimulation that brings up intense feelings of anger, anxiety, frustration, or sadness, often stemming from a prior trauma.  Any rational person would be triggered by physical violence, for example, but quite often, the trigger is something neutral or innocuous.  Once triggered, our limbic brains take over (this is what causes the fight, flight, freeze, or appease response).  When the limbic system kicks in, our higher cognitive functions shut down because, our brains act as if there is an actual physical threat to which we will must physically respond.  Interestingly, even a threat that we know does not put us in physical danger still triggers the part of our brains that respond to physical danger, and it reduces the higher cognitive functions so that we’re able to fight, flight, freeze, or appease without much thought.  In other words, when facing a threat, we’re not going to escape that threat by doing algebra, we escape it by out-running or out-fighting the threat.

Which is why identifying your triggers early, before your brain triggers a cascade of hormones and neurotransmitters that reduces your ability to think rationally is key in being able to keep your calm when the narcissist triggers you.

First you have to build the muscle of listening to your body.  Modern life has provided us with an almost unlimited menu of ways to avoid uncomfortable feelings.  We start scrolling, shopping, eating when not hungry, smoking, or drinking.  But avoided feelings live in your body until they are processed.  When your toxic ex triggers you and you feel the discomfort arise, identify where it is in your body.  Is your stomach in knots?  Heart racing?  Palms sweaty?  Feel it and just observe it in your body without judgment.  This means that you’re not trying to analyze why you’re feeling the way you are, but you’re simply and factually listing the physiological symptoms that are happening with your body.

Then, write down what stimuli preceded your physiological response.  Was it a smell?  A song?  In our case, what did the narcissist say or do?  Write it down in the most factual way possible, and then dig deep as to why this bothers you.  What happened in your past that gives this stimuli power to cause you hurt, fear, or frustration?  If you’re having trouble, a professional therapist or counselor will be of assistance.  Whatever it is, you have to work on your healing and releasing the past trauma so that you can no longer be triggered.


Once the narcissist notices your lack of response to the normal triggers, they will up the ante. They will work harder to get a response from you, they will be crueler, make up more lies, involve more people, and make it even more personal to you. They hate being ignored and not getting the fix they need, they also hate losing and consider it a loss when you don’t uncomfortably react to them prodding you.

Sometimes I refer to this as “scorching the earth.”  Scorching the earth refers to a warfare tactic whereby one side destroys any usable land, food, shelter, or other resources relied upon by the other side.  Once a narcissist realizes that you will no longer be a source of their supply, it’s conceivable that they will engage in heinous and vile acts because they think it will destroy you.  I’ve seen toxic people send emails exposing details about the parties’ private intimate life to friends and family members.  I have also seen narcissists set up fake social media or dating app accounts where they portray the empath in a defamatory and false light.  Many years ago, I had a client come to me with a fake Craigslist ad that contained her photo, phone number, and address (the two children were with her at the time).  The ad purported to offer prostitution services.  After several calls and texts, my client received the link to the fake ad.  This toxic person’s children were at this home that he dangerously displayed online, but that had no bearing to him; he was out to destroy.

The silver lining, however, is that the “scorch the earth” method is often a last-ditch effort and a sign that the abuse will soon wane.  This is when you can start to feel better within yourself, you are doing a good job if they are upping their game. You should feel pride within yourself that you have been able to free yourself from their influences.


Consistency is key!  There may be times when you’re at a low and want to react.  Don’t.  It will send a message that you can be triggered again and provide the narcissist with a refreshed sense of how hard they will have to go the next time in order to get their fix.  By not reacting, the narcissist will eventually learn that you can’t be triggered, and they will seek their supply elsewhere.

So how do you actually respond when they say hateful, hurtful things?

Below is a list of 30 ways you can respond to the narcissist in a completely neutral manner.  Some are assertive but again, neutral.

  • I can see you feel very strongly about this
  • You’re entitled to your opinion
  • That could be; however,
  • We see things differently
  • I wonder how we can do this better
  • I’m troubled by
  • I’m concerned with
  • I’m disappointed
  • I’m uncomfortable
  • We seem to have an issue
  • I really love our children, so I hope we can communicate in a way that allows us to continue to work together for their sake
  • I’m willing to work this out, but I’m not willing to be insulted
  • I’d like to maintain a respectful relationship with you
  • You may not be aware of how damaging your behavior has been
  • Yelling doesn’t resolve anything, and it doesn’t work for me.
  • Let’s talk when you’re feeling calmer
  • I want you to know that I find your behavior unpleasant
  • I’m not sure why you feel a need to speak to me so disrespectfully
  • If this behavior continues, I will have to take action
  • I have no idea why you feel a need to try to intimidate me but it’s unacceptable and I will not tolerate it
  • I’m happy to consider your wishes and preferences, and I would like the same courtesy from you
  • In order for this relationship to work, we both need to feel like we matter, like our feelings and opinions are heard and honored.
  • It sometimes feels like there are different ruels for each of us, and that doesn’t work for me
  • I’d like to discuss a solution that satisfies both of our needs
  • I understand that you’re upset and disappointed and I’m willing to listen to your thoughts and feelings, but I can’t hear what you’re saying when you’re being hurtful
  • While I don’t think you intend to hurt me, you sometimes come across as overly critical. It upsets me and it doesn’t help the situation.
  • I know you are used to taking charge, and that you take pride in that. But it’s not okay for you to dismiss my opinions or feelings
  • I know you may be too upset to talk about this right now. I suggest we postpone our conversation until you’ve had a chance to calm down
  • I understand you are feeling hurt and angry and a lot of other powerful emotions right now.
  • Perhaps I haven’t clearly communicated my boundaries, so I will do so again because you are crossing them.

Co-parenting with a narcissist is not easy.  But it is possible to do so with the right mindset shift and planning ahead.  The narcissist trained you over time to act and react in a manner that satisfies their need to feel adored and superior.  But with some self-reflection and a mindset shift, you can undo any maladaptive behaviors you’ve established and set up boundaries that will protect your peace.

The post Co-Parenting with a Narcissist: Identify and Neutralize Your Triggers appeared first on Divorced Moms.


Young woman sobbing

10 Scientifically-Proven Ways To Deal With Heartbreak

Young woman sobbing


Going through heartbreak is one of life’s toughest challenges (besides paying bills, obviously).

No matter how it happened, surviving it is no easy feat.

When you get your heart broken, you’re immediately ripped from the fairytale-like world of coupledom, and you’re forced to deal with things alone. More than that, the rejection makes all your deepest and darkest insecurities come alive.

But despite all these, people get over heartbreak.

And so will you.

If you don’t know where to start or what to do, we’ve compiled these scientifically-proven ways to help you mend your broken heart.

Print it out, bookmark it, or pin it. Just make sure you have it on hand when you need it.

10 Ways to Deal with a Broken Heart

Ready to heal your heart? Keep on reading.

1. Discover your pre-breakup self

In a study done by Dr. Gary Lewandowski, Jr., professor of psychology at Monmouth University, which he shared in his TED Talk, he stated that remembering how you were before your relationship can help you gain back the identity that you have forgotten when you became committed to someone.

When you’re with someone, you tend to abandon some parts of yourself. Eventually, you start believing that you’re incomplete when you’re on your own.

You forget who you are – who you truly are. But getting back the lost parts of yourself is possible.

Take this as an opportunity to revisit the activities, dreams, and hopes you had when you were still single.

Challenge yourself. Put yourself out there. Try out some new things.

Perhaps you enjoyed going to the gym, cooking, or designing clothes. Whatever you were drawn to, go for it.

If you’re not sure what you currently want, then try several things out until you get a clear idea of what you’re interested in.

Building your identity back will definitely help you feel back at home in your skin. More importantly, it will inspire you to cherish yourself.

2. Remember the negatives about your relationship

It’s easy to fool yourself that your relationship was perfect before it ended. After all, people feel extremely sentimental when dealing with heartbreak.

However, having this mindset will only set you back in your progress.

Instead, take this time to write down the advantages of breaking up with your special someone.

Don’t be afraid to be petty.

You can write something like, “I don’t have to pretend that I like his cooking,” or “I don’t need to move out of the city cause it’s the lifestyle he wanted.”

Remembering all the unfavorable traits of your ex also helps.

You may also list down all their annoying traits to soften the blow of your heartbreak.

For instance, you could write, “He never cleaned up after himself” or “She always complained about my family.”

3. Don’t forget about your health

Even the most successful and motivated people can have a hard time getting back on their feet after getting their hearts broken.

This is because breaking up can damage your physical and mental health – literally.

Studies prove that those who are in relationships control each other’s biological rhythms. Considering this, breaking up can disrupt your sleep pattern, throw your body temperature out of whack, and even lead to appetite loss.

Suddenly, you can’t sleep properly, or your favorite seafood boil doesn’t have the same appeal it used to. Even going on your dream vacation will feel like a chore.

Since your body is dealing with ACTUAL stress, you must do everything you can to take care of it.

Exercise, sleep well, and surround yourself with people who support you. Following these tips will do wonders to bring back your brain chemistry to normal.

When you consciously make an effort to keep your mental and physical health in check, you’ll feel like yourself in no time.

4. Take a Tylenol

This article focuses on science-backed ways to deal with heartbreak so it makes complete sense for us to advise you to take a Tylenol.

When you go through a heartbreak, you’re not only dealing with emotional, but also physical pain (a.k.a. that piercing pain in your chest that never seems to go away).

One study has proven that pain relievers can serve as a buffer for this.

In a New York Times column about how Tylenol can help you mend your broken heart, it was mentioned that when you deal with rejection, a signal is sent by your brain to your stomach and heart.

This makes the muscles of your digestive system contract, and it makes your airways constrict. It even slows down your heartbeat.

When you take painkillers, they interrupt this process and produce endorphins, which can make you feel better.

Take note that while Tylenol is proven to be effective in helping you deal with heartbreak, it isn’t a permanent solution. If you’re planning to use it, make sure you don’t exceed the maximum dosage.

5. Think about your heartbreak differently

When you’re in a relationship, your life is shared with your partner. So when it ends, you’re left without the other main character in your story.

It’s easy to have the mindset that you’re now nothing, but this is actually the moment you can start developing yourself.

Taking the time to think about the breakup from another person’s point of view can be extremely cathartic.

In fact, studies prove that when you think about your heartbreak from a first-person perspective, you increase your chances of ruminating over negative emotions.

Thinking about it from a third-person’s point of view will help you rationalize your experience. Not only that, but it will also help you decrease your likelihood of experiencing high blood pressure.

6. Stop stalking your ex

Admittedly, this is one of the hardest tips on how to deal with marriage separation or breakups in general.

After all, it’s so tempting to look at your ex’s Instagram and peek at his Facebook profile 10 times a day.

Being exposed to your ex through social media, particularly Facebook can hamper your ability to move on, according to one study.

If you don’t want to prolong your heartbreak, you have to exercise control of your impulse to stalk your ex. Or better yet, completely delete your ex from social media.

Sometimes, it’s best to delete the cause of your heartbreak from your life, at least until you’re fully healed from it.

7. Distract yourself

In one study where researchers tested people’s cognitive strategies when dealing with a breakup, it was found that one of the best things you can do is to distract yourself.

As much as you can, think about positive things that are not related to your ex. This can be an activity, food, or anything to distract you.

Use this time to learn new skills, adopt a new hobby, or even join an online course.

8. Think about your future relationship

Another way to get over heartbreak is to imagine a dating scenario in the future.

What qualities would you like your future partner to have? What would the relationship be like? These are just some of the questions you can answer in your head.

If you think you’re finally in the right headspace to meet someone new, then do it. Surprisingly, rebounds can help you deal with heartbreak.

As a matter of fact, when you open yourself up to new things, it makes you feel more confident about yourself. Eventually, this will enable you to let go of the past

While rebounding can surely help with your self-esteem and confidence, make sure to exercise caution.

This tip doesn’t mean we’re asking you to download dating apps a few hours after your breakup.

Instead, it’s best to give yourself time to grieve. Then, depending on how you feel, you can slowly test the waters again.

9. Listen to sad songs

There’s nothing quite like listening to sad songs while dealing with heartbreak. Surprisingly, listening to sad songs on repeat can help you get over your negative emotions, according to science.

This is because music can be a form of therapy, and sad music can provide you with much-needed comfort.

Although it may seem counterintuitive, sad music can be extremely enjoyable, and this can lead to mood improvement.

Turning up your favorite sad album is a good place to start, or you could look up playlists on Spotify.

When you listen to sad music, you’re able to process the emotions you’re feeling in a unique way.

Rather than keeping them bottled up, you can be honest about your heartbreak as you continue to move on.

10. Just fake it till you make it

In most cases, dealing with heartbreak successfully only just takes mind over matter. One study proved that doing something that makes you feel like you’re healing your heart can actually help you feel better.

It’s not that you want to actually force yourself to get over your heartbreak. You just want to trick your brain into thinking you’re okay.

If you don’t yet feel ready to move on, try doing things that will help you heal your broken heart. You can take a dance class, or even just call up a friend for a chat.

Once you’ve got a chance to do something that makes you feel better, you’ll feel better.

Bonus tip:

As corny as it may seem, moving on from heartbreak does take time. This is why you can’t expect yourself to feel 100% happy with yourself in just a few days.

While it may be difficult now, you will eventually learn how to move on from your heartbreak completely.

There is a light at the end of the tunnel.

According to one study, most people are able to mend their broken hearts in 11 weeks.

Eventually, you’ll be able to move on and your heartbreak will seem like a distant memory. One day, you’ll look back and realize that you’re completely okay.

Ready to apply these tips in your life?

Big or small, heartbreak can affect us in many ways. But now is the time to move forward.

From writing down your ex’s bad traits to listening to Adele, there are countless ways to get over your heartbreak.

At the end of the day, the best way to do this is to be honest about how you feel. Don’t be afraid to tell yourself that you’re having a bad day.

It’s okay to cry, yell, or even throw a temper tantrum in your bedroom. Don’t rush your recovery, as the heart heals slowly.

The post 10 Scientifically-Proven Ways To Deal With Heartbreak appeared first on Divorced Moms.


Angry Man2.jpg

9 Things To Expect From An Angry Ex During And After Divorce

Angry Man2.jpg


I divorced 16 years ago. I remember vividly my ex telling me he was angry and would be “for a very long time.” Welp, it’s been 16 long years, and he is still angry.

His anger caused the divorce process to drag on for seven years. It’s caused him to break off contact with his children only to pop into their lives every six years or so and drop bombs on them.

The only time our two children and I know peace is when he has disappeared from our lives. Thankfully he does that often and for long periods of time. I owe him deeply for those peaceful periods.

Back in December, he contacted our younger son. He had not seen or communicated with either of our sons in over 7-years. He made promises to a young man who desperately craved his father’s love. Three months later, he reneged on those promises, and here we are today, once again cleaning up after an angry ex who can’t get over it (he wanted the divorce) and continually allowing himself to hurt his children.

For some of us, the negative repercussions of divorce are a never-ending story. I can count on him to pop up and drop a bomb on us, and I’ve learned to count on myself to keep a tight grip on the negative emotions it causes us and how we respond to the problems he causes.

I often tell people to monitor their responses to emotions during the divorce process and after. Being able to respond rationally to negative behavior from an angry ex helps keep down the cost of your divorce, will make the process less conflicted, and will be invaluable in your being able to move on and rebuild after the divorce is final.

What happens when your ex isn’t able to monitor their responses and react in a rational manner, though? If he insists on remaining angry, the best thing you can do is keep your cool, for your sake and the sake of your children.

You can also arm yourself with knowledge of what might come your way. Doing this will help keep your expectations low, which in turn, will help you respond to an irrational, angry ex in a way that does not do more harm.

Below are some common tactics used by an angry ex-husband or wife during the divorce process and after.

1. Accusations of Abuse of You or Your Children:

Getting a restraining order against a husband is a practice some women use against men in order to gain sole legal custody or have the husband removed from the marital home. Guard against this happening by refusing to engage in any form of conflict in person, via email or over the phone.

And, if you do become a victim of false allegations of domestic abuse, do not respond to the allegations in a manner that will make the situation worse.

And this is not a tactic used by women alone. An angry ex-husband is just as likely to make false accusations of abuse against the mother of his children. The difference between the motivation when it comes to men is, normally, to frighten a mother and manipulate her into doing something he wants. Don’t fall for the manipulation!

2. Limiting Access to Marital Assets:

If you are a stay-at-home mother who is dependent on the salary of her husband, he can use his ability to limit your access to money as a form of punishment during the divorce process.

To keep this from happening, make sure that your name is on all marital assets before filing for a divorce. This includes all bank accounts, credit card accounts that you don’t close, and retirement fund accounts that you expect to draw from.

In some cases, cases where you believe your spouse will empty bank accounts, you will want to open an account in your name only and transfer funds you need to live on into your new account before having your spouse served with divorce papers.

3. Use of The Discovery Process to Delay The Divorce Process:

During the discovery process, your divorce attorney will request documents from your spouse related to income and assets. A spouse can stall the process by refusing to respond to such requests. Or, he may send a barrage of requests to you via his attorney, attempting to bog you down in paperwork.

To protect yourself from a spouse who will use the courts to abuse you, hire an attorney who will not hesitate to use the Family Court System to force a response when he uses such tactics.

4. Refusal to Follow Through on Verbal Agreements:

Most going through the divorce process work at making sure it is not riddled with conflict. In doing so they can make the mistake of believing that their spouse will stand by any verbal agreements made between the two. I always suggest there be a legal document drawn up and signed by both spouses and their attorneys, just to cover yourself.

Such a document can be used in court to prove a spouse’s intent to take part in a verbal agreement. If push comes to shove, you will have evidence that can be used as proof that your ex intended for a particular action to take place.

5. Ask For 50/50 Custody:

This will anger some men, BUT there are situations where a father will request either full or 50/50 custody to scare a wife into settling for less during divorce settlement negotiations.

A wife may be willing to take less than she is entitled to if it means retaining full custody of her children. Your best bet is to offer 50/50 custody from the beginning. This takes away any leverage a husband can use, and it is in the best interest of the children to spend equal time with two parents who love them.

It will also scare him off if full or equal custody isn’t what he is interested in. If it’s manipulation by threatening custody, if you come out of the gate offering him 50/50, you’ll take away his ability to use custody threats against you.

6. Spying to Dig Up Dirt:

My ex had a keystroke program installed on my computer and bugged my home phone during our separation. He thought he would gain the information he could use in divorce court against me. He didn’t succeed, but don’t be surprised if your angry ex attempts to do the same in your situation. Don’t do or say anything online or via the phone that will give him ammunition to use in court.

7. Attempting to Control Your Personal Life:

For some reason, some ex-husbands don’t feel that what is good for them is good for their ex. They will do everything in their power to know your every move, who you are dating, where you are going on vacation…every step you make.

The fact that you two are divorced, torn asunder, means nothing. Just because you were once married to them, they feel the right of ownership. They will remarry but throw a fit if you plan to remarry. They may have a strange woman stay overnight when the kids are in their custody but if you even have a man over for dinner, watch out! These guys who are control freaks have failed to fully understand what “divorce” means.

Set your boundaries, shut them down when they attempt to control and refuse to communicate with them about your personal life.

8. Using Their Children as Pawns to Hurt You:

The angry ex who uses his children to get back at the mother of his children is the worst, absolute worst. This guy will stomp on his children’s hearts if it means causing you the least bit of inconvenience. And, there isn’t much you can do except be there to help your children deal with their pain.

9. Lack of Interest in Seeing Their Children:

He may fight like hell during the divorce process for equal custody but, when it’s all said and done, the paperwork is signed and the divorce is final, he rarely sees his children. He makes big promises and always breaks them. His relationship with his children will depend on whether or not he is in a relationship at the moment.

This kind of man is ALWAYS going to put his girlfriend or new wife first. He and his feelings are of uppermost concern to him, and if he has to make a choice between being stroked by a new woman or putting himself out for his children, he is going to choose the stroking every time.

Giving in to your own anger and getting down and dirty yourself gets you nowhere and leaves a stain on your character that you will live with permanently. You can’t fix an angry ex, you can’t rationalize with an irrational person. All you can do is keep yourself emotionally stable enough to focus on your life and your children regardless of what your angry ex does.

Take the high road, and don’t do anything you will one day look back on with shame just because he is being an asshole doesn’t mean you have to also.

The post 9 Things To Expect From An Angry Ex During And After Divorce appeared first on Divorced Moms.


divorce court order

What Happens To Men Who Defy Divorce Court Orders? NOTHING!

divorce court order

What Happens To Men Who Defy Divorce Court Orders? NOTHING!

Over the years, I’ve spoken to many women whose ex-husbands were defying divorce court orders to pay child support. What most of them have learned when they take their ex back to court for contempt is that judges rarely throw a deadbeat in jail. They threaten to do so, but in my opinion, it isn’t often that a judge will follow through on a threat.

Not enforcing a court order undermines a woman’s ability to care for her children. For some reason though, a judge seems more concerned with how being jailed will negatively affect a deadbeat father. It isn’t only child support orders that aren’t enforced — in the Family Court System, it’s any order.

In September of 2014, my former husband and I finally went back to court on the post-majority expense issue and another issue having to do with housing. My ex was ordered to pay 93% of our son’s college expenses. He angered the judge by behaving arrogantly so the judge retaliated by slamming him with 93% of the expenses. However, with grants and scholarships, my former husband would have only had to pay a couple of thousand dollars a year. It wasn’t like the man was going to go broke helping his son with college expenses.

The judge also ordered him to follow through on the agreement he had made with me for housing dating back to September of 2010. The judge did something that I thought was very odd. He read into the court record what he had ordered and then he told both lawyers to get together and come to an agreement on how the order would be worded. Once the lawyers had come to an agreement, the judge would write the order and sign it.

My lawyer immediately contacted my ex-husband’s lawyer trying to come to an agreement on the wording. That wasn’t an easy task. When a man has been ordered to pay and do things he doesn’t want to do, his lawyer will drag his feet because the last thing he wants is an order signed by a judge.

I had a son in college who wasn’t getting any help from his father with his expenses and the housing issue was hanging over my head. I was constantly stressed over not knowing from one day to the next if I was going to lose my home. Nine months later, I was still stressed out.

Finally, after motions by my lawyer and threats from the judge, we had an agreement on the wording. In July 2015, the judge signed an order, nearly ten months to the day after we had gone to court. It was an order that my former husband never had any intention of following in the first place.

Shortly after leaving the marriage, my ex developed a sense of entitlement. Having children to care for emotionally and financially no longer fit into his agenda. He did the least he could do as far as supporting them and obstinately refused to do more even though it had been court-ordered. What he has done to them emotionally would cause the hair on the back of your neck to stand up.

He scoffed at the July 2015 court order just as he had all the other court orders. He was court-ordered to sign mortgage documents on a substitute home for his children. Instead, he went out within days of getting the order and signed mortgage documents for a home he was building for himself. It was a blatant snub and he got away with it.

I took him back to court for contempt of court…once again. The judge yelled at him and threatened to throw him and his lawyer in jail that day. The judge ruled from the bench in February of 2016 telling my ex that he had 60 days to comply with the original decree of divorce, which had been written in September 2010 or he would go to jail.

My ex never saw the inside of a jail and never will because judges don’t enforce court orders. To hell with those annoying written laws, the laws that mandate a judge punish someone for defying court orders. It’s those unwritten laws that determine what really happens when defiance occurs and nine times out of ten, nothing happens.

The post What Happens To Men Who Defy Divorce Court Orders? NOTHING! appeared first on Divorced Moms.


The Spiritual War of Narcissistic Abuse

8 Ways Narcissists Make You Lose Yourself And Bond To Them

You have probably heard of the term ‘trauma bonding’ before, and even if you haven’t, I’m sure that like me, you will have experienced the symptoms of trauma bonding within a narcissistic relationship.

Trauma bonding holds us attached to an abuser even when our brain is logically screaming at us to leave and stay away. It holds us prisoner and we feel incapable and terrified of breaking free – trying to escape brings up emotional pain and horrific physical symptoms.

How do narcissists manage to change really tough, capable, amazing people into frightened dependents, with no self-esteem, self-respect, self-truth and self-value?

How do they convince you that you are the problem, and that you are incapable of coping on your own – in spite of all your previous experience to the contrary? Most importantly, how is it that you end up feeling like you cannot live without them, so that the prospect of it hits you like a sucker-punch and leaves you feeling broken and unable to function?

In this Thriver TV episode, I want to look at the 8 ways a narcissist will use to bond you to them. And best of all, I will show you the antidotes against those tactics, so that you can break free of those damaging trauma bonds, reclaim the driver’s seat of your life, and move forwards into the life you dream of and deserve.



Video Transcript

In today’s episode I want to talk to you about the eight ways that a narcissist can trauma bond you to them, and the antidotes to these: the real, wise, inner truth that can help you pull up and out of those trauma bonds.

If you are new to my YouTube channel, I would love you to ‘like’ this video, subscribe, and hit the notification bell. Then please share, share, share! Let’s get this information out there so that we can create a revolution of healing for real from this – for ourselves, our children, and our planet.

So let’s get into the first way that a narcissist can trauma bond you, and this is how it initially happens.


Number 1 – Love Bombing

You might have heard of the expression ‘love bomb’, but what does it really mean? Love bombing is the way that a narcissist can position themselves to give you that emotional feeling of “I’m seen, I’m heard, I’m safe, this is what I’ve been waiting for”.

I’m going to give you a really simple example. Let’s say you meet a narcissist via dating. You’re on a date, and the narcissist may say to you, “Why are you single? What happened?” And you could say something like, “Well, my previous relationship, he ran off with another woman,” or whatever it is. The narcissist, if they’re interested in you, will lean forward and intently say to you, “I can’t believe how people could do that, I’ve always been monogamous.” They’ll say other beguiling things – very intently looking you straight in the eyes – that seem so believable that you think you’ve hit pay dirt. You think, “oh my gosh, this is what I’ve been waiting for my whole life.”

And a narcissist can do this in any walk of life.

They could be the neighbour who saw you upset and asked “what’s wrong?” or, “what has hurt you in the past?” They pretend to be so attentive, invite you over, and lend you this and lend you that.

They could be the friend who very quickly works out that you’ve had friendships in the past where you’ve felt not included and unimportant, and like you’re the one doing all the work.  The narcissist will then start delivering in spades all the things that you’ve been missing in a friendship.

They could appear in your work environment telling you they are the boss that you’ve always wanted.  Or if you are a business owner who is recruiting, the will come and appear to be beyond the perfect fit for that job description.

Now, here’s the thing about this: for the narcissist this is never about delivering what you want.

Instead, it is all about connecting to you, and getting you to trust them and open your doors to them so that they can enmesh and trauma bond with you. This then means that no matter what they do or how badly they treat you,  you’re going to stay bonded while they are siphoning out and taking your soul, your life force, your resources, your money – whatever they feel entitled to (which is pretty much everything).  And they do this by getting you to trust them and let them in very, very quickly.

So what we have to understand about love bombing is that it only works if we allow ourselves to be rushed.

As an adult in your own body – living in a quantum reality of plenty and self-generation (by doing the healing work that we do in this community to thrive) – what will happen is that you will take your time with people.  You absolutely have the mindset of plenty: “I’m going to check you out, I’m going to take my time before I commit to you at any level, and if you’re not the real deal I’ll say goodbye, because there is better from where you’re coming from”.

There’s an old saying that I love, that hungry people make the worst shoppers. If you go to a supermarket and you’re really hungry you’ll just chuck junk in the trolley. After doing the inner work to get solid and much more whole, it is like going to the supermarket when you already feel satiated and full.  You will make some really healthy choices for your trolley.

I want you to really think about that, it’s so important. Because narcissists aren’t going to change, but we can. That’s where our power is.


Number 2 – Future Faking

A narcissist will make out that they have exactly the same interests and the same visions for the future as you do.

“Yes, I want to start a family”; “yes I want this; yes, I want that”; “yes, I see this is where we’re going to take the business” – whatever it is that you want is what they will say they want too. So you think, “oh my gosh, I’ve met a soulmate!  Somebody who’s on the same track, who loves the same things,  who has the same vision for the future.”

The narcissist in reality is an empty void, with no self. They don’t have an inner being and they are a false self which depends on other people’s energy and resources to try to be a self. It’s like a vampire needs to drink human blood to be alive – the narcissist is the same.

The narcissist isn’t interested in the future, and in fact unconsciously most narcissists know there’s not going to be a future to your relationship. It’s all going to go belly up and they’re going to have to recreate everything anyway. So the narcissist is in it for the feed of your money, your resources, your stuff, your life force, your sex, your body – whatever it is that they can siphon and suck out of you.

They’re not worried about the future.  They don’t want happily ever after –  the sheep dog, the picket fence and the 2.3 kids – that’s not what they’re after at all. Those things can happen, but they’re not after that. They’re after your life force, your soul and your stuff, so they’ll tell you whatever you want to hear and pretend that they’re that person who wants that future.

Just like with love bombing, this creates a trauma bond. We get hooked on “I need this person for that dream, for myself, for my life force, for my future”. So it’s very similar to love bombing in that when we heal up in a quantum way and get solid on the inside, then we know where we going. We know our values and our truths; and our unfolding and expansion is our own. As an individual fractal of source and our higher self, our expression and our truth is not dependent on what a certain person is or isn’t doing. Your fellow journeyers – the genuine people in your life who are aligned in the same way – will come with you.

For example, my lovely partner Glen and I have had some very serious conversations in our relationship.  I said to him, “You don’t need to want what I want, but the truth is, this is where I’m going and this is what I’m doing, and if this is what you want, come with me, and if it’s not, I’ll have to do it without you, because this is the truth of my life.”

Whereas in the past, with narcissistic and even non-narcissistic people, I would sell out my truth, my values and my soul to either try to convince them when they became the opposite, or to lower myself and hand over my soul and my truth to keep them happy when I wasn’t living true to me anyway.

Glenn is a soulmate; he’s a beautiful soul who is on this journey with me. But if he wasn’t I would let go and know there’s better from where that came from. That’s the Thriver up-level healing that we need so that we do not get trauma bonded into somebody who is future faking us – because a narcissist doesn’t want what you want, and they never will. In fact, they will never give you what you want because they don’t want unity consciousness or win / win, they want superiority / inferiority.  They’ll pretend it at the start, but then they’ll withhold and punish you by giving you what you don’t want and not letting you have what you want. All narcissists do this.


Number 3 – Creating Dependency

Narcissists create dependency. They do it with gaslighting, they do it with diminishment and they do it with devaluing you. This dependency is done using Problem; Agitation; Solution – it’s part of their superiority trick.

A narcissist will tell you you’re a problem because you’re not good enough, you don’t have the information, you don’t have any idea, you don’t have the capacity, you don’t have the strength, you’re not lovable, you don’t have integrity, or you’re not good. Devalue, devalue, devalue.

The agitation is created by constantly ‘poking the stick’ at you.  A covert narcissist will do this in a passive aggressive way whereas an overt narcissist will just do it directly and brutally. But it doesn’t matter, it’s the same thing. You’re losing your sense of your own confidence and self-esteem, and your own identity is absolutely compromised.

What then happens is that the narcissist says, “Well I’m the solution and I’m the answer. I know what I’m doing and I’ve got the capacity. You’re nothing without me. Without me, you wouldn’t cope, and if you don’t acquiesce to what I tell you to do and to the control I have over you, you’ll be nothing. You won’t survive. You can’t live.” They all do it.

If we try to acquiesce our way out of tyranny, we are handing over our authority to them and granting them authority over us. It’s part of the narcissistic, “I am the king / queen / god of the universe. You are nothing, and what I say goes.” There’s no unity consciousness or teamwork there. It’s all about them.

Our way out of this is to become self defined. It is to do the inner work on ourselves so that we can stand in self-respect, self-truth and self-value so that we can lay boundaries with people. This allows us to see who is going to respect our voice and our truth, and who wants to do teamwork, solution-building and win-win.

But we cannot do that until we come out of our fears of authority: our fears of, “If I don’t acquiesce, I’m going to be out in the cold. I’m going to have no options. I’m going to have no ability to create.” See, narcissists play on that. They know that’s how we think, and that’s how they hook you in through this trauma bond.

Once again, like with love bombing and future faking, this comes back to the healing and development of ourselves so that we can rise up and out of that trauma bond, and never fall into that trap again in the future. Even if you are significantly, horrifically going through this right now, your healing will enable you to stand, create boundaries, and let go of somebody who is absolutely controlling and siphoning you and diminishing you.

You cannot acquiesce your way out of tyranny. It doesn’t matter what you go along with, what you give in to, what you rise up for and how much performing seal you do to try to make this person happy, the pain is not going to stop until you say, “No! No more.” So that’s number three.


Number 4 – Flipping The Script

Originally the narcissist came into your life saying, “Here I am. I’m the person who will never cheat on you. I’m the person who’s going to give you all your business contacts. I’m the person who is the answer to your prayers after being ignored all your life. I’m the person who sees you like no other when you have been controlled and questioned all your life. I’m the person who trusts you and gives you space.” So of course, that’s who you thought you met.

It was actually the exact opposite. Because what narcissists do is they hook you in and then the mask will drop. And when the mask starts to drop, the narcissist will flip the script and start delivering your original wound in vivid Technicolor.

Let’s say for example that your thing was monogamy because you’ve been cheated on in your past, so they pretended they were totally monogamous. What’s going to start happening is the narcissist will start looking at other people and making comments to get you off balance and wondering, “Oh my, is he or she interested in that person at work? Are they having an affair? Are they…”

Then they’ll escalate it. They’ll keep pushing it to see exactly where your boundary is. Of course, eventually you will become triggered, causing you to confront them with, “well, what’s going on with this person at work?”

The narcissist will then turn it back on you and say, “Just because you’ve been cheated on in your past doesn’t mean you have to be paranoid. I’m totally monogamous and you’re the crazy one. You need therapy and you need help.”

It is the same with every vulnerability. Maybe you felt invisible and the narcissist came into your life giving you so much attention and presence. But then they begin going missing, so that you say to them, “Where are you? What are you doing and why don’t you care about me anymore?”. They’ll say, “You’re actually really insecure and oversensitive and you need to sort this out.”

Maybe you were sexually ignored in the past, and the narcissist drew you in with sex and then began ignoring you sexually once they had you hooked. It will be the same thing – it’s your fault. They flip the script and it’s always your fault.

This trauma bond hooks you in and is so difficult to get out of because you want them to go back to being the original person who was the answer to your prayers.

The truth is that you have to be the answer to your own prayers.

The narcissist was never the saviour of your wounds: they were the messenger of them. So the more you try to get them to be the saviour of your wounds, the more they’re going to be the messenger of them. They are going to show you the truth of quantum law: so within, so without. You had unhealed trauma that led you into the relationship because they pretended to save you from it. You made them your god unconsciously – we all did – but they’re your destroyer.

The only way out of this is to let go of them, come inside and heal your trauma. By doing this in a quantum way, you become a solid, whole and healed adult in your body, rather than still feeling unconsciously like a broken child trying to get a metaphoric parent do it differently this time. That’s the massive shift that will happen within you, which is life changing.

Again, it comes back to the inner work.




Number 5 – The Cycle Of Violence

The cycle of violence doesn’t have to be physical, but this happens in any abusive relationship.  Tension builds and builds until there’s an explosive event. Separation happens, either emotionally or literally. You get back together. You feel like things are resolved and maybe you even have a honeymoon period, where everything’s wonderful. Then tension builds again, and then the explosion goes off again, then you separate again, then you get back together again, tension builds…explosion…. And so on.

This is typical of toxic relationships, and of relationships with a narcissist. What happens with a narcissist – and you know this – is that when you do get back together and you feel like everything’s great, well, a narcissist cannot stand it. They cannot tolerate calm, harmony, teamwork, love and peace.  They need trauma. They need to trigger you, they need your louche, and they need your pain. It’s their currency, it’s their food.

They’re a dark soul – a no self that cannot exist in a plane of oneness and unity consciousness. It is disgusting to them because they cannot be superior without you being inferior. So the explosion is always going to happen.

Now, what happens after the explosion is either they take off and discard you, or you pull away to try to salvage yourself. Then you often get back together, because you miss them so much. You are so trauma bonded that maybe you get into cognitive dissonance: “Oh my God, it’s my fault, and I haven’t taken enough responsibility! This is what I can do, and I’m going to try again”. Or, “I’m going to go in there and try and get accountability and I’m going to…” So you go back.

Or perhaps you get strong enough to hold out. In that case, the narcissist will come back in to love bomb you, or trigger you, maybe by saying something horrible that they know will get to you. They will do whatever it takes to pull you back in again to get the control back.

Eventually you kind of thrash around and work it out so that you think it’s all resolved. You go forward, the explosion happens, and you find out it never was resolved. It was never a resolution – it was just a cycle of violence.

How do we escape this cycle of violence?

The way out is to recognise that you’re in cycles of violence that just get amplified, accelerated and worse each time.  This is what happens in toxic relationships; they spiral downwards faster and faster and faster, whatever you do.

The relationship you need to get right is not the relationship with the narcissist. You now need to get the relationship right with yourself, so that you will no longer participate in a cycle of violence.

As always, this comes back to your own inner healing.  With Quantum healing, which is what we do through my Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program (NARP), you will be able to maintain No Contact and heal yourself to become the person that you wish to be.

You will then find yourself participating in evolved relationships – which of course have their problems and their moments, but they evolve upwards into unity consciousness and solution together.

This is the complete opposite to the cycle of violence, and it is the relationship I live now with my beautiful partner, and that I was unable to have with others in the past. Without healing, I wouldn’t be able to generate it, stand for it and create it.


Number 6 – Saving The Sinking Ship

This one is so huge. Narcissists are a mess and they create messes everywhere. They’re loose cannons,  they’re not accountable and they don’t play team. They don’t give a crap about authority and doing the right thing. They’re actually criminal in the way they think and operate, and they’re completely selfish. ‘The ends justify the means’ as long as they’re getting the goodies, so narcissists create messes in life.

Whereas most of us who get involved with narcissists are really good, decent, honourable, respectful people who do the right thing and take more than our fair share of any load.

When you get into any kind of relationship with a narcissist, you will start to see the roof caving in, the bills piling up and the messes everywhere. You will realize that things are going to get absolutely trashed and smashed, and so you go into doubling and tripling down to try to save the sinking ship.

This allows the narcissist to continue being a crazy narcissist. You are trauma bonded and trying to fix everything, while they are keeping you off balance and taking everything they can get.

Narcissists are often setting up bank accounts on the side, or doing and creating things behind your back. You will only find out about these things after the fact – things you never, ever believed were possible.  This person is fleecing you while you are trying to keep the fires burning and the roof above your head.

The ship is sinking. The longer you stay on the ship, the more you’re going to lose. And the most horrific thing you are going to lose is your soul.

I promise you this: money, wealth, direction, expansion can all be recreated in incredible ways when you go quantum, so don’t even worry about that. But what is hard to recreate is the absolute shattering of your soul.

So I say this to you. Let go. Look after your soul and focus on becoming wholeness and solidness inside.

This is the Thriver work we do in our NARP community. The healing program enables people in the most horrific disasters to get whole, solid, and calm – and then reclaim what they have lost. Because once you are a source to your own self, that’s when you get massive results – so within, so without.

The people in our community who turn inwards with NARP and do that inner work also have the support of our incredible NARP global community to back them in finding their solutions. They are guided in their healing process and also in the practical aspects needed to move forward. In our community we regularly get people manifesting really big, powerful wins in custody, or in settlements with properties and businesses, because they walk that Thriver path.

Whereas people who stay traumatized trying to save the sinking ship usually end up losing everything. That’s just how it works and is Quantum law.


Number 7 – Peptide Addiction

Peptide addiction feeds into all of this.

Within any narcissistic relationship, you will be getting constant massive rushes of negative emotions.  Things like betrayal, heartbreak, devastation and feeling like you’re being annihilated.  You feel so unsafe. You don’t need me to tell you that you feel the most shocking, unthinkable, unbelievable emotions that you’ve ever felt in your life. They are like a sucker-punch to your solar plexus that leaves you feeling like you can’t get up off the ground again, it’s so bad – and this is what you are regularly experiencing.

Is it fair to say that these emotions have massively powerful charges? Absolutely.

Bruce Lipton, Joe Dispenza and the late Candace Pert (a specialist on peptides) discovered that when we have an event in our life, it registers in our consciousness before our brain picks it up. Our consciousness is who we are already. It’s everything from our past up to now, and is how we perceive and feel an event as an individual self.

For example, if you come from a family where you felt betrayed, lined up and as though people chose their ego over you, then betrayal from anyone will feel very personal to you. It will impact you very heavily, and give you a massive emotional feeling on it, which then sends electrical signatures to your brain.

Your brain receives those signals and sends a perception of that betrayal to your hypothalamus. Your hypothalamus then creates an amino acid chain peptide (a liquid cocktail, similar to a drug) of betrayal. This is distributed throughout your entire being – your whole cellular body structure – and your cells recognize and accept that peptide of betrayal. They recognize this peptide because they’ve had it before.

Every time your cells split, you get twice the amount of docking points to receive a particular peptide. This is how you get hooked on the peptides of the strong emotional rushes that you’re getting. You are geared to accept betrayal as your peptide, because the cells of your body are full of docking points that need the fulfillment of betrayal peptide. You are getting addicted to the betrayal peptide, therefore you will continually obsess about how this person betrayed you –  with no solution or ability to let it go.

This is how you become a drug addict to the peptide of betrayal, and the narcissist is the drug dealer who provides that betrayal. Hence why you can’t stop breaking No Contact, you can’t stop going back, and you can’t stop thinking about this person.

People can get really stuck in this peptide addiction – I’ve seen it last for 40 years. So it’s a game-changer when you realize what’s going on and that you’re not defective or losing your sanity – you have a physiological peptide addiction.

Quantum inner healing releases you from the peptide addiction. It actually gets that emotional signature out of your being, which stops the chemical being created by your hypothalamus, which stops the rush, which short-circuits that whole vicious cycle. It’s really powerful, it works, and it’s key for you in going forward,

This leads us to number eight…..


Number 8 – The Inability To Leave, Stay Away And Move Forward

The inability to leave, stay away and move forward is a massive trauma bond. A lot of people think it’s logical, and of course it can seem that way: “I can’t leave because of the kids”, or “I can’t leave because I’m going to lose the house”; “I can’t leave because, because, because…”. But really it’s because of everything I’ve just spoken about.

There are trauma bonds that go way beneath the level of logical consciousness. Whatever you read or are told, there is a much deeper, more powerful story going on inside your inner being – inside of you.

This really shocks most people who have been narcissistically abused because most of us are really tough, capable, amazing people, who’ve always been able to think and ‘do’ our way out of difficult situations. We’ve always been able cope, even when other people haven’t been as strong.

This time is different. We think we can’t. It’s shocking and stunning to us that we can’t just leave, get it through our head, stay away, and move forward.

It may be because we feel like, “I can’t live without this person. I’m too sick. I’m never going to be able to work. I can’t rebuild my life. I have no other options.” It might even be, “I feel really guilty and obligated that I’m meant to stay with this person and I can’t just leave them.”

But at the end of the day if we stay and don’t break free to heal and move on, there’s no happy endings to this story. Instead, it is a descent into that deep, dark hole of losing your soul, your life force, your health, your dreams, your missions and your ability to lead the way for your future generations. Our kids don’t do what we say, they do what we do.

Once again, we change this around by going within and doing the work there. If we don’t go within, we’re going to go without. As the saying goes, ‘nothing changes if nothing changes’.

We don’t have any power to change a narcissist – we don’t have any power to change anybody. You don’t have any power to exact change beyond your skin. The only person we can change is ourselves and that’s why my focus is on healing from the inside out. It’s quantum.


In Conclusion

If you want to discover more, you can find my free 16-Day Recovery program by using this link, so that you can start to get a deeper understanding of what I’m talking about, Or if you have been following me for some time and are now ready to fully commit to the inner healing process, you can find NARP here. And my dear NARPers, if you want the best of the best support over the coming year, you can sign up for my most personalised supportive program, Love, Health & Wealth Super-Thrive, by clicking here.

I really want to hand you your power back so you can get in the driver’s seat of your life rather than staying stuck in these terrible trauma bonds. They destroy your future and they can even literally destroy you.

I hope that this has helped, and I want to send out so much love to everybody who is in trauma bonds. Please share this video far and wide with anyone it can help, who needs to hear a deeper truth about this.

Until the next one, keep smiling, keep healing, and keep thriving because there is nothing else to do!

As always, I look forward to your comments below.


Legal Humor

Sometimes lawyers really do have the best responses.  The following is just one example.

Rebuilding New Orleans after Katrina often caused residents to be challenged to prove home titles back hundreds of years. That is because of community history stretching back over two centuries during which houses were passed along through generations of family, sometimes making it quite difficult to establish a paper trail of ownership.

A New Orleans lawyer sought a FHA rebuilding loan for a client. He was told the loan would be granted upon submission of satisfactory proof of ownership of the parcel of property as it was being offered as collateral. It took the lawyer 3 months, but he was able to prove title to the property dating back to 1803. After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply.


stage development

The Narcissists Pathological Relationship Agenda

You think you have found the love of your life….. but they turned out to be your BIGGEST mistake!

The Narcissists Pathological Relationship Agenda (NPRA) is a pattern of behaviour which is evident is the majority of their relationships, including the one with their children.  Once you identify this pattern, you can superimpose it on every single relationship the narcissist has ever been in and make predictions about future relationships and how to protect your children.

Let’s unpack some of the elements of the NPRA.




This relates to something the narcissist considers important and wants to achieve or solve.  In relationship terms this is primarily an unmet need from childhood, an dysfunctional schema or generational trauma.




The behaviours which a narcissist cannot control due to their pathology such as projection or narcissistic rage.  The behaviours are a maladaptive efforts to self regulate. 




Narcissists are by nature interpersonally exploitative and this manifests from the disorganised attachment style which has taught them that people cannot be trusted to meet their needs and so they need to use others by whatever means necessary to get their needs met.  It is why there is a push/pull dynamic to these relationships.  Narcissists desperately shift and change tactics in an attempt to meet their unmet needs, creating confusion for the partner who finds their their efforts, which previously had been wanted and welcomed, are suddenly cause for anger and criticism.  They want someone else to meet their unmet need but don’t trust them to and so will often have a “back up plan” or take control in order to try to force you to meet their need.

stage development

Unmet Needs

We all have unmet needs from childhood.  Many psychologists believe our unmet needs are our purpose, our own unique pathway to healing.  Unfortunately for narcissists, their disorganised attachment means they are unable to go within to meet those needs and instead seek external resources.


Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs shows the levels of needs all human beings have met and unmet, depending upon our experience.  For narcissists, their unmet needs are usually psychological needs and although their attempts to meet those needs might appear more sophisticated, at their core they often come down to being about belongingness (an aspect of attachment) and love.

Dysfunctional Schema


Schemas relate to the basic emotional needs of a child and are broad, pervasive themes regarding oneself and one’s relationship with others.  When these emotional needs are unmet, dysfunctional schemas can develop. The 18 schemes are:


Emotional Deprivation:
The belief and expectation that your primary needs will never be met. The sense that no one will nurture, care for, guide, protect or empathize with you.

The belief and expectation that others will leave, that others are unreliable, that relationships are fragile, that loss is inevitable, and that you will ultimately wind up alone.

The belief that others are abusive, manipulative, selfish, or looking to hurt or use you. Others are not to be trusted.

The belief that you are flawed, damaged or unlovable, and you will thereby be rejected.

Social Isolation: The pervasive sense of aloneness, coupled with a feeling of alienation.

The sense that the world is a dangerous place, that disaster can happen at any time, and that you will be overwhelmed by the challenges that lie ahead.

The belief that you are unable to effectively make your own decisions, that your judgment is questionable, and that you need to rely on others to help get you through day-to-day responsibilities.

Enmeshment/Undeveloped Self:
The sense that you do not have an identity or “individuated self” that is separate from one or more significant others.

The expectation that you will fail, or belief that you cannot perform well enough.

The belief that you must submit to the control of others, or else punishment or rejection will be forthcoming.

The belief that you should voluntarily give up of your own needs for the sake of others, usually to a point which is excessive.

The sense that approval, attention and recognition are far more important than genuine self-expression and being true to oneself.

Emotional Inhibition:
The belief that you must control your self-expression or others will reject or criticize you.

The pervasive belief that the negative aspects of life outweigh the positive, along with negative expectations for the future.

Unrelenting Standards:
The belief that you need to be the best, always striving for perfection or to avoid mistakes.

The belief that people should be harshly punished for their mistakes or shortcomings.

The sense that you are special or more important than others, and that you do not have to follow the rules like other people even though it may have a negative effect on others. Also can manifest in an exaggerated focus on superiority for the purpose of having power or control.

Insufficient Self-Control/Self-Discipline:
The sense that you cannot accomplish your goals, especially if the process contains boring, repetitive, or frustrating aspects. Also, that you cannot resist acting upon impulses that lead to detrimental results.

Generational Trauma


Trauma can be passed down from generation to generation in our cells, our beliefs, our behaviours and our culture.  The symptoms of generational trauma may include hypervigilance, a sense of a shortened future, mistrust, aloofness, high anxiety, depression, panic attacks, nightmares, insomnia, a sensitive fight or flight response, and issues with self-esteem and self-confidence.



When a child grows up with a parent who isn’t able to self-regulate, it can result in a disorganised attachment because a secure attachment is formed through consistent co-regulation with the caregiver, which leads to the child being able to self-regulate.  


Narcissists are unable to self regulate due to the breakdown of this system in childhood and so seeks out others to regulate for them (not co-regulation).  Their partner (and even children) become “regulatory objects” to them, a thermostat by which the partner regulates their own emotions in order to regulate the narcissists emotions.



Now let’s piece all this together to create the NPRA so that you can predict future behaviours. 


I will state at this point though that most narcissists have one or two dominant NPRA’s but multiple agendas will appear at times of extreme stress.


Common NPRA include sex, money, success, admiration. The key to knowing if it is unmet is that despite appearing to have what they claim to want, it will never be enough and will remain unmet and so narcissist pathologically pursues it (affairs, stealing/fraud, taking the credit for others success, centre of attention).


Inconsistencies include demands faithfulness but cheats, spends money on self but is extremely frugal with others.


Clues to NPRA are their career choice, sexual history, attitude to money, need for attention.




Job is police officer (thinks can heal generational trauma of not being protected by protecting others, fits their schema of punitiveness and vulnerability, and meet their unmet need of safety).


Pathological behaviours can include:


  • neglecting safety of family in pursuit of recognition of protection of others
  • attempting to control every aspect of their environment (including people in it) to feel safe


NPRA is to create a false sense of safety but in reality they are unable to meet this need and so keep repeating the same unsafe patterns, refusing to show any vulnerability and seeing it as a weakness in others, and punishing others who do not make them feel safe or who express not feeling safe with them.




Sexual history is promiscuity and failed relationships (unmet need for love and to belong, dysfunctional schema of enmeshment and abandonment, generational trauma of grandparent’s affairs).


Pathological behaviours include:


  • unsafe/risky sex
  • cycling through relationships quickly
  • affairs
  • uses sex to “make up” after arguments, to reward good behaviour or punish “bad” behaviour by withholding 


NPRA is to force “love” through sex.  They will measure the quality of a relationship by the frequency, nature and quality of the sex, creating an environment where consent becomes coerced because you know the consequences for not agreeing.


Predicting Future Behaviour


If you have just started dating someone and you have concerns, narcissists will reveal their agenda early on in the relationships as they will talk a lot about it and derive great pleasure from it or become angry/jealous about it.  They will also tell you in how they describe their previous relationships including the one with their family, particularly parents.  Listen and watch!


If you are in a relationship with someone who you suspect might be narcissistic please know that it is not your job to save them.  If they keep repeating the same behaviour and refuse to change, know that this is their NPRA and unless you can surrender to “groundhog day” existence of the same issues coming up again and again, GET OUT!


If you are co-parenting with a narcissist, identify the NPRA and in particular the underlying unmet needs, dysfunctional schemas and generational trauma, and help your child to build emotional security and resilience in these areas so they won’t be as susceptible to the pathological behaviours.  To protect them in the long term, heal your own attachment wounds and recognise when you are dysregulated and have the tools to regulate yourself.  This will create an environment where you can co-regulate with your child, leading them to be able to self-regulate which reduces the risk of them becoming a “regulatory object”.  We offer numerous treatment options for PTSD (which inhibits your to self regulate) as well as the Circle of Security Parenting Course, which is attachment based.


The post The Narcissists Pathological Relationship Agenda appeared first on The Nurturing Coach.


worried black woman with head in hands

Here Are 9 Things I Would Tell My Pre-Divorce Self

worried black woman with head in hands


People get divorced for a thousand different reasons. Maybe they tried out this whole marriage thing and found it wasn’t for them. Perhaps their spouse is a different person than the one they were dating.

Whatever the reason, divorce is a necessary evil. It’s also painful, messy, exhausting, and expensive.

If I could talk to my pre-divorce self, here are nine things I would tell her.

Hire a Good Attorney

Even if you and your soon-to-be ex are on good terms, having a good attorney in your corner can help make the process easier. Filing for divorce requires a lot of extensive — and expensive — paperwork, and forgetting to cross an I or dot a T can be costly. You might not need someone to fight for you in court, but consider an excellent attorney to help streamline the process.

Try to Keep Things Civil

Messy divorces might be great for TV or movie drama, but no one wants to deal with them in real life. Even if you and your ex aren’t on speaking terms, try to keep things civil. Screaming at each other across a mediator’s table or courtroom isn’t going to get you anywhere. That behavior in a courtroom could even get you held in contempt, making things worse.

Have a Financial Plan in Place

Don’t rely on alimony, especially if your divorce is less than amicable. You’re dropping from two incomes to one, so make sure you plan accordingly. Collect all your paperwork, including joint and singular debts and info about any joint accounts you share with your ex, and make sure you have all your ducks in a row. You may want to set up a solo account in your name, but make sure you double-check with your attorney before making any changes to joint accounts.

Court Isn’t The Only Option

We often think of divorce court as the only option when a split isn’t amicable, but it isn’t the only option available. Consider divorce mediation. An impartial third-party mediator will help negotiate your divorce contract. Mediation might not be necessary for amicable splits, but some states require mediation if you’re not planning to go to court. Mediation can be helpful if you can’t agree on particular data points, such as custody of children or the division of assets.

Don’t Bring the Kids Into This

You and your significant other might be getting divorced — the kids aren’t. Outside of cases of abuse or violence, your kids will probably still have a relationship with their other parents. You don’t have to like the person to co-parent amicably. Don’t be that person that uses their kids as pawns in divorce proceedings.

Think Your Decisions Through Carefully

The decisions you make throughout your divorce proceedings are going to impact the rest of your life. Don’t make them rashly or emotionally. Take the time to think through all your decisions carefully and ensure that you’re not leaping into the deep end without so much as a life preserver to keep your head above water.

Build Your Support Structure

You might be saying goodbye to your spouse or significant other, but that doesn’t mean you must go through this alone. Build up your support system and surround yourself with people who know what you’re going through and are willing to build you up when you feel like you’re falling apart. This list can include family, friends, coworkers, support groups, or anyone else you have in your life that will help you make your way through your divorce proceedings and on to the rest of your life.

Don’t Be Afraid to Stand Up For Yourself.

Divorces are stressful and emotionally draining, and it’s easy to fall into the trap of letting people walk all over you. Don’t be afraid to stand up and advocate for yourself. Even if you have a good divorce lawyer in your corner, you might find yourself in a situation where no one else will stand up for you if you’re not willing to do it yourself. You don’t have to yell and scream and make a scene, but you need to be ready to stand up and say no, I’m not going to let you treat me like that.

Don’t Focus on “Winning.”

There’s a lot of pressure surrounding divorce proceedings — especially if they’re hostile — to be the winner or the one who comes out on top. Drop this mindset. Instead, worry about getting all that paperwork, all those dotted I’s and crossed T’s, so you can move forward with your life. This arguably horrible event is just one stepping stone that you can use to propel you forward. Forget winning and work on getting through it to build your future.

You’ve Got This

When we get married, no one ever thinks about getting divorced, but unfortunately, it does happen. It’s not an easy process, even if the split is amicable, but once it’s over, you have the opportunity for a fresh start and to move on with your life. If I had a chance to talk to myself before the divorce, I’d tell her to surround herself with the best support structure she can manage and focus on getting through it. Everything that happens afterward is what you really want to look forward to.

The post Here Are 9 Things I Would Tell My Pre-Divorce Self appeared first on Divorced Moms.