Thriver TV Special : Thriver Talk With Anita

Thriver TV Special : Thriver Talk With Anita

I’m so delighted to introduce Anita, one of the bravest and strongest members of our Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program.

I have known Anita for a couple of years now, as a student of mine as well as a program member. And it has been an absolute honour and joy to witness her journey through the incredible traumas she has faced.

For many of you, it may be difficult to imagine what Anita has lived through. She has endured an abusive relationship with her narcissistic mother and has gone through the incredibly tumultuous and painful experience of a divorce with a narcissist.

But not only did she survive… she excelled in the face of it all. She and her dream team of lawyers achieved a powerful court case win despite enduring multiple obstacles.

So, to begin her story, let’s start with her narcissistic mother. All of it exploded in 2020 when Anita had been stuck in quarantine in Guatemala. She got back home, and two weeks in, her mother passed away from a stroke. Of course, this was a traumatic experience for Anita, but it was also made so much worse by what her mother did in her will.

It took Anita a while before she could understand why this was. With the help of an incredibly dear friend who saw through the situation, Anita got the NARP Gold package and dove right in.

Despite not quite understanding what NARP was or what it was doing, Anita went through it. And it was through it that she had a breakdown that enabled all the memories of her ritualistic abuse to return. For almost an entire year, she was in the valley of the shadow of death, feeling sick to her bones all the time and wanting to die every second.

But from here, something amazing happened. Anita started to use NARP to shift her life in her favour. She shifted her focus towards her trauma and set her mind to creating the optimal conditions for a successful court case.

Through trial and error, she eventually found the right mix of shifts to honour her values and truths. And it’s what separates her from most “victims”… she was unafraid of fighting back and honing her power – through her shifts – to reclaim her life and legal victory!



Video Transcript

Welcome, dear friends, to this Thriver TV story. If you have not yet subscribed to my YouTube channel, please do so, and I’d love for you to share my work with others who need it.

And I have the absolute joy and pleasure of introducing Anita, one of the bravest people I’ve ever met. She’s a dear friend.

I’ve known her for a couple of years as a Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program member. She’s also been a student of mine, and I just love her to pieces. And Anita, thank you for coming forward and sharing your story.

Well, thank you for inviting me, Mel. It’s a real honour. Thank you.

And I know, Anita, that there are so many details of your story from the narcissistic mum, which we’re going to go into, and your experience of ritualistic abuse, which is a topic that a lot of people don’t want to talk about. And I’m thrilled that you are talking about it because you’re not the first person in this community who’s come forward with that trauma.

And also, you went through a tumultuous, painful divorce from a narcissist. But you ended up being able to create and win a really powerful court case. And you had your dream legal team.

But anyway, okay, I digress. Well, so the situation with your narcissistic mum kind of all exploded in 2020. Share with us what happened there.

Yeah, I’d been locked down in Guatemala, where I worked with cacao. I got back. I quarantined with my mother. And then, two weeks in, she died of a stroke. And I was very traumatized by what she’d done in her will, which was distinctly narcissistic, shall we say. And a very dear friend of mine, who was already on the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program, said, “Anita, it looks like your mother was a narcissist.”

And he very, very kindly bought me the NARP Gold package. And so, I diligently started doing the shifts, even though I didn’t understand what I was doing. I went through all the shifts, and that’s how I started working with NARP initially.

So, the original stuff you were working on with NARP, were they to do with your mum, ex-husband, or a combination of both?

At the time, it was just the stuff coming up with my mother. And the recognition that I’d been abused by her all my life and that there was a name for it, and it was called narcissistic personality disorder. I just thought she was an evil distortion of what a mother should be, but it was a relief to be able to put a label on it, so to speak, and find other people had been victims of that sort of behaviour.

Exactly. Coming into our community is an eye-opener for many people because it’s like, “Oh, my gosh, this isn’t just my story. This is so many people’s story as well.” Okay. Because she passed away. So, when you started doing the modules, what happened to you?

So, when I started doing the modules, there wasn’t much happening initially. I had to go through a fairly big breakdown for the modules to start working. And that breakdown involved a very acrimonious divorce with my former husband, where he announced that he was going to help himself to half of my property. He stole my business and took away pretty much everything of value to me.

Very typical.

Fairly standard with that sort of personality.

But I hadn’t realized that he was displaying all the attributes and qualities of a narcissist. So, I had a nervous breakdown. And then, from there, all the memories of the ritual abuse came back. And I went through a year of the valley of the shadow of death, as I like to call it, where every single second of the day, I just wanted to die.

The memories were so painful that every single cell in my body felt sick, and I was on the verge of ending it all when one of the NARP programs popped up in my inbox, and I thought, “This is my last chance, saloon. It’s either this or not being here.” Yeah.

When we first connected, I remember you had that spark of life and hope. You are a slither of what you are today. You could see that there was this beautiful, amazing woman who was hanging on her last thread. And I’ve seen this a lot with people from ritualistic abuse who are activated into it, and the trauma is so huge. But you had it all going on everywhere.

The mum, the ritualistic abuse, the husband, the ex taking your property, taking your business, taking every part of you. So, okay, what happened next?

Yeah. Well, I would look on the NARP Community Forum and see thrivers and NARPers having these spectacular court wins, and I thought, “How the hell am I going to get there? This is just impossible. How am I going to get from here, where I am now, in this place of just absolute desolation, fearing that I’m going to be made destitute, unable to engage with the legal process?” I was even unable to speak about it because I was so traumatized. “How am I going to be able to get from this place to a spectacular court win?” It just seemed beyond me.

So, I just kept shifting. My biggest breakthrough was a shift where I suddenly thought, “Oh, my God, I’m going to target the trauma in my body that’s generating the blocks and obstacles to my engaging with the legal process.”

Yeah, and it was like, bam, everything shifted. I was able to operate from a place of analysis and logic and deduction, as well as a kind of soul sermon if you like. I mean, that one shift cleared away so much and enabled me to operate from a position of power and ownership in this divorce process.

And then, from there, I became more and more adept at steering the course of the shifts and tailoring them to create the conditions, if you like, and attract the right people so that I’d be able to honour myself, honour my values and truths, which I’d never actually known what they were in the first place. So, it was like a multidimensional process as well, focused around the court case.



So, all this stuff just came flooding in. It was like, “Oh, my God, I am worth something. Oh, my God, my business is worth something. All that equity that I put into that business that he’s stolen, that was worth something. My rights, my truths, my values they’re valuable to me.

And in honouring them, I’m honouring my soul and my soul path, and the creator of which I’m part of creation.”

It was multi-dimensional. It was a huge and even further spiritual awakening. So it made it more engageable, if you like, this court process, knowing that it was part of a bigger spiritual picture.

That’s so well put. And it’s so true. And all of our ascension and healing and well-being, including finances represents the sole value. It’s the health, it’s the mental, it’s the emotional, it’s the spiritual, it’s all of those things combined.

So, what was the outcome in court? I know when you told me, I’m just like, what? That’s so cool. And witnessing stuff happening, like a big shift. And people listening to this, I know, because out in the normal non-quantum world, what happens is people are like, well, you can’t beat narcissists in court since the court and solicitors and judges are a part of the narcissistic system.

And it is, even for normal things, it can be awful. But in line with the quantum law of so within-so without, when we shift on the inside, massive things happen. So, yeah, explain what happened.

Yeah. So I went from a place of being unable to engage with the process, even speaking to my solicitor about what had been going on, and trying to explain that I was with a psychopathic narcissist and everything was not going in my favour. We had a financial dispute resolution. It was like a second hearing. And I got pasted. I was painted as a greedy, grasping woman who wanted to keep every single penny from the marriage, and he was painted as this poor kind of trodden-over husband.

Anyway, I couldn’t have felt more battered, so I had to crawl off and do more shifts. And I thought, no, this doesn’t feel right. This isn’t aligned with my soul truth. And despite what my solicitor told me, she said, “Oh no, you’re just going to have to go to give him 50% of the property.” I said, “No, this does not feel right and is not aligned with my soul. No.”

You are supposed to instruct your solicitor, not the other way around. And we fall for that stuff all the time. So yeah, keep going.

So I sacked her.

Yeah. Good.

I found through a friend a spectacular lady who was described as lethal, and she certainly was. She prepared me a magnificent case, and I hoped it wouldn’t get to a final hearing, but the other half wanted a final hearing. He wanted his day in court. He wanted to annihilate me.

So she had recommended a barrister, who was an absolute super sleuth. And I have to say, I called in my perfect legal team. Now, he’d read my case notes because he was diligent, and he was like, “Something’s not right here.” So we went into the final hearing, and we broke for lunch. I had to give my evidence. I was just about to go up into the witness box.

And what had happened before that was that in real-time during the court, they’d uncovered that my former husband was concealing his assets, and he’d been lying and perjuring himself in court. And so I got an amazing deal. I didn’t have to give evidence in the end, his solicitors came back and said, “Right, okay, we have to make a deal,” because he was screwed.

So I was just in shock. I couldn’t believe it. I broke down in tears. It was just the most amazing, miraculous thing that had ever happened. And I was thinking, I’m going to need a miracle to sort this shit out. And I got one. Yeah, I got one.

And Anita, we see it all the time. We see that an internal shift can be an outer thing. And that’s what you were listening to when people said, “Well, I had this miracle.” We’ve had cases where the narcissist broke down and couldn’t get to the court, and the judge decided without them, and the most incredible synchronicity has happened. So I’m so thrilled.

So what I love about that is you honoured yourself. When we’re in the fear and when we’re in the trauma and we don’t feel like an authority, and we don’t have value, we’re not listening to that inner voice. And when that solicitor said, “Well, you’ve got to take that deal,” we’re in fear and trauma, we just do that. We go along, and we end up getting throttled.

But you’ve done enough to have a shift inside you to listen to your guidance and stand in it and move with that. And then that moves universes. And that’s exactly what happened. So when did your friend recommend the new solicitor who was ruthless? Was it after you shifted and chose to go your own way?

Oh, that was my choice. It was like I had this internal sat nav, a moral compass aligned with my soul, that was getting stronger and stronger and stronger, like a strongly beating heart. And I felt like I had to honour it, regardless of what solicitors were saying, regardless of what the judge had said. It was like I had to honour myself.

It felt very empowering doing that and discerning that my current solicitor was very mediocre and calling in someone who was powerful, incisive, who was intelligent, and who was strong. And I did that through shifting and through intention setting.

Yeah. And always I was going back to the forum. I was getting inspiration from the community, just reading about successes. I was getting inspiration from-

And for people, that’s our global community, the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program Community Forum, a private community where all members can get coaching and support 24/7/365. But yeah, they’re amazing in there.

Yeah. So I mean, I would say to all NARPers, take a moment to be still and go inside and feel into what your truths and your values are. And if it doesn’t feel right to you, regardless of what a judge is saying, a solicitor is saying, or anyone else is saying, it’s got to feel right to you.

And if it feels right to you, then there’s a way to be able to get the support that you need and call it in. Please work with your shifts to get to the place of honouring your soul and your values, whatever they are and however they’re expressed in the material world, whether that’s your property, your business or your child.

Yeah, very good. Beautiful share. It is so important not just to accept or believe that you’re up against a narcissist; you’re going to get throttled, and there’s nothing you can do. It’s just not true. These people get quite powerless, and they unravel when we step into our power, and that’s what’s so exciting. They’re not as tough as what they make out to be at all.

So, Anita, like the breakdown, I want to talk a bit more about that.  I want you to share with people how bad it was and how you felt when you were in that place.

That was possibly the toughest period of my life. I didn’t think I was going to get through it. I didn’t think I’d be here now. Every single cell in my body felt like it was sick. I just felt like I was dying a million times across all my lifetimes and into my soul. It was horrific and inescapable. I couldn’t escape from this torment and the memories that were coming up.

My inner world was on steroids and acid. It was quite horrible. I mean, I can look back on it now and kind of laugh about it, which is a testament to the amount of inner work that’s taken place.

But when I came back to doing some deeper work with NARP, I was literally at the Last Chance Saloon. I thought, “If this doesn’t work, I’m going to end it because I can’t bear being in this body anymore. I can’t bear it.” It was just horrific. And I had done some great work with some amazing shamanic healers.

I remember you saying.

Yeah. I’ve trained and qualified as a shamanic practitioner myself, so I knew what was going on on a multidimensional level, and even then, it was just unbearable. Although I say, without that, I guess I would’ve been even more confused. So, at least I had that perspective and the shifts as well to be able to clear all this stuff out of my body.

But yeah, MTE Support were amazing. I know at the time you had Violet, and I reached out to Violet several times, and she was like a lifeline. She knew intuitively how to support me and what to say. Honestly, those MTE members were like angels during that time. All I did for a year was maybe lie on my bed and shift. That’s all I could do. I could barely leave the house. I was in a state of very, very deep depression. And looking back on it now, it was like a different lifetime.

So, how did it start feeling different? What happened?

My internal world shifted, and that was reflected in my external world. My external world had, for pretty much all of my life, been very haphazard and chaotic, and I started to see more structure. This is all taking place at the same time as the court hearing, so I was able to bring more structure into my life.

I was able to show up for myself more and make choices that were based on a deeper soul level rather than informed by trauma, bad habits, patterns, or addictions.

I remember back then the battles that you were having with certain decisions, as we can all do before we start healing enough that are self-sabotage and self-harming, which align with how we’re not valuing ourselves, and you started to come out of that.

It’d be so interesting to show people the pictures, the photos of the Anita I met, and the glowing beautiful creature that you are now because you are. You’re just stunning. It’s like two different people.

Yes, I agree with you. I just want to say to all the NARPers out there who are struggling with addictive patterns and behaviours that I had all the addictions except for heroin, crack, and gambling. I was addicted to alcohol, substances, sugar, dairy, and nicotine. I was addicted to a party lifestyle, sex, drugs, and rock and roll.

Just all the stuff. I mean, at the time, I didn’t realize that what I was trying to do was to distract myself from my inner world. Like I said, I want to say to all the NARPers out there, with the shifting, I noticed that these addictions were diminishing. I would reach for them less. It was as if my body didn’t want them, my soul didn’t want them, or I didn’t need them. And gradually, it’s almost as if they began diminishing of their own accord.

So I didn’t have to use my will or force myself into refusing these patterns. It was as if the internal battle had just vanished. There just wasn’t even a battle anymore. It just wasn’t even a thing, which was such a wonderful reward. And I’d made space for other things to come in. I’d made space for nourishing interests and hobbies and people to come into my life. And so I started to be able to choose that.

I know some of the people you’ve connected with who are gorgeous in your world, in the U.K., and the stuff you do, and they’re stunning people.

Yeah. And so rather than connecting, again, with abusive people or parasitic people or people who didn’t value me, I was connecting with loving and genuine people – people who valued me, and who saw me and who understood me.

I’ve also noticed that when I’ve reconnected with old friends, I say friends in the loosest possible term, and they haven’t aligned with this new version of me, they’ve fallen away very quickly, which is great.

Which is great. Yeah, because it’s hard to bring people up to your level. It’s much better if they’re at your level or you’re growing together, which I love. Anita, honestly, I’ve always with you felt like, even though we’re around the same age, I felt like a bit of a mother hen.

No, I do because I’ve always loved you and seen you in your battle and seen who you are. And also, you reminded me of myself years ago. It’s not about me. It’s about you. But years ago, when I was on death’s door, and I thought I could never recover from my breakdown, and I’d been plagued with addictions all my life, although, after hearing your list, I think you had a better crack at it than I did, I think you’re right up there on the queen of addictions.

But mine were bad, too, so I saw so much of my journey in you. And I’d had some massive big trauma on just very deep sexual levels, too, which you’ve had at a much worse level. So it’s heartwarming for me to see because it was death/rebirth for you.

And what’s so exciting about you is that you are such a gifted, incredible lady. If I were in the U.K., I would attend your workshops. I seriously would. And I want to give you a big plug because Anita is… Please explain what you do.

Anybody in the U.K., we’ll put Anita’s details up so that you can connect up if you want to, and I would suggest it. So what do you do? Explain it to people.

Yeah. So, I am a cacao ceremonialist. Cacao is the ancestral medicine of the Mayan people. And cacao has got the most wonderful, wonderful healing benefits. Cacao was there for me on my healing journey with NARP because cacao brought me into my body and allowed me to connect to the earth and also to connect to higher dimensions as well. But most importantly, she’s a medicine of embodiment.

And there were times when I couldn’t get up in the morning. I’d open my eyes and think, “Oh my God, I’m here again.” And the thing that got me out of bed was that trip to the blender to make my cacao.

I know I’ve segued, but I felt it important to share how instrumental cacao was in my healing journey.

So, I’ve been working with cacao since 2014. I serve cacao at ceremonies, and I also work as a shamanic practitioner and energy healer, sharing cacao in my one-to-one healings. And I also make chocolates. I’m very well known for the chocolate that I make, which is made in sacred space and is divinely delicious.

You’ll have to send me some to Cape Trib. I want to try some of your chocolates.

I’m going to try some of your chocolates.

Okay. It’s a date.

I’ll buy some. Yeah, you have to send me some. I’d love to try them.

Yeah, for sure. Yes, I will.

If chocolate’s healthy, I’m all over it.

Yeah, well, they’re healthy chocolate. So here’s a dish of my chocolates. We’ve got Radha and Krishna’s Love Garden, which is that one. That is a cardamom chocolate with crystallized ginger, pistachio and banana.

And we’ve got tantric breakfast, which is… I know. Do you fancy a tantric breakfast?

Sounds exciting. That sounds dangerous, actually.

Which is cayenne chocolate with a handmade brittle of cashew nuts and maple syrup, vanilla and dates.

So you make these?

I make those, yes. Yeah.

Oh, my gosh.

And they are plant-based, so they’re made with coconut milk powder, they’re made with maple sugar, and they’re made with coconut sugar. So, there’s no dairy, no cane sugar, and the base is ceremonial grade cacao, so they’re also a medicine. Yeah.

Oh, my goodness. So look at you now that all this trauma’s out of your cells and all this creativity that bursts forth. And this is what I love so much about people who go through the dark dungeon of narcissistic abuse. To get out of it, you must let go of the trauma and get the light in.

And then when that source light comes in, you activate into soul mission and purpose. I’m so proud and excited for you. I love the stuff that you are getting out there and doing in the world now. And you’re an inspiration, Anita, and I hope that you can be an inspiration to other people still in the dark breakdown in the bowels of hell.

You and I have both been there, so Anita, what would you say to people who have come across my work? They’re looking at this community, who are in those dark places. What could you share with them?

I’d love to say, invest in yourself. If you value yourself, but at the same time, you feel that you are disempowered and that you have no control over your life, coming to NARP is the most fantastic way to break through lifetimes.

We’re not just talking about this lifetime but also about ancestral stuff and other lifetimes. So, regardless of whether you resonate with that, this is what the shifting is all about. So we’ve got DNA codes literally in our blood, and doing the quantum healing helps to dissolve these habits and patterns that have been holding us back from being the very best versions of ourselves. And yeah, do it. Yeah.

Also, these shifts allow you to come into your body and start to make peace with your body. For many of us who’ve experienced abuse, the body is a very unsafe place to be. It’s been the platform for trauma. We don’t trust our bodies. They’ve heard other people, felt pain, and are carriers of pain. So, doing these shifts is a really beautiful way.

Engaging with the whole NARP and Quantum Freedom healing process is the most wonderful way of returning to your body and making peace with your body, learning to trust your body again, taking ownership of your body and beginning to love yourself. And that was one of the biggest takeaways that I had. Loving my body, loving myself and taking ownership of my body and my whole being.

And you’ve become such a goddess who’s in her heart and body. When we first met, of course, you were traumatized, disconnected, disassociating and couldn’t even feel.

You’re now an embodied goddess, and I’m sure anybody looking at you and listening to you can hear it. It’s coming from your soul now.

Anita, thank you so much, darling, for coming on and for being such a special dear friend in my life and a fellow traveller. I love you to pieces.

Oh, thank you, Mel. Thank you so much. It’s such an honour. Thank you.

And how can people contact you if they’re in the UK to experience your cacao stuff and your products?

Yeah. So the website is coming soon. I’ve mainly been involved in the divorce for the last two years, so the website’s been on the back burner. So, currently, I’m doing everything from my Instagram while the website is under construction. So, I post my stuff on my Instagram, and once my website is up, I’ll be posting on my website. So, if people want to reach out to me on Instagram and also take a look at my work, I’ve got a card here.

Yeah. You need to bring it over in front of your face, so yeah. Okay. I’ll tell you what, honey. We’re going to put it up. We’ll put it up. What’s your Instagram handle?

My Instagram handle is my name, anitabrulee_sacredhearts.

Beautiful. Beautiful. So we’ll put that up with this interview as well, and people can find out more about cacao and get on to you, and that’s exciting. All right, honey. Thank you so much for taking this time this morning.

It’s your morning, it’s my evening, but it’s always awesome to hang out with you. And every time I see you, you look more and more beautiful, truly.

You are age-reversing. You look ten years younger than the last time I saw you. You do.

Oh, gosh. Well, I’ve been doing the medical medium food – so lots of celery juice and healing foods. That, combined with shifting, has been amazing.

All things are healthy, and I love it when we put combos together. It’s just so powerful. All right, gorgeous girl. Thank you, and I hope everybody watching this can be inspired to know that it’s never the end. And I love what I believe, that if you are still alive, source, God, creation hasn’t finished with you yet, and you are a perfect example of that, Anita.

Thank you, Mel. Love you.

I love you, too.

If you wish to access profound healing through the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program, which is now even faster and more effective with the Speedy Shifts Module additions, and be a lifetime member of our incredible Private Community, which grants you 24/7/365 support, join HERE.


Middle aged women with a smug look on her face

The Truth Behind Why Women File For Divorce More Often Than Men

Middle aged women with a smug look on her face


According to statistics, women file for divorce more often than men. This has been a consistent trend for decades, and it raises the question of why this is the case.

Why Women File for Divorce More Often Than Men

There are several possible explanations for this phenomenon, including changing gender roles, infidelity, financial independence, domestic violence, and communication issues.

Changing Gender Roles

One potential reason why women file for divorce more often than men is because of changing gender roles. In the past, women were expected to take on a more subservient role in the household, which often meant that they had less say in important decisions and were responsible for the majority of the housework and childcare.

However, as women have become more independent and have entered the workforce in greater numbers, they have come to expect a more equal partnership in their marriages. If their partners are not willing to share in the responsibilities of running a household or are dismissive of their opinions and needs, women may feel that divorce is the best option.


Infidelity is another potential factor in why women file for divorce more often than men. Research has shown that women are more likely to file for divorce due to infidelity, which may be because women place a greater value on emotional intimacy and connection in their relationships.

Infidelity can be a major betrayal for women, and it may be more difficult for them to forgive their husbands and move on from a partner’s infidelity. Additionally, women may be more likely to be aware of their partner’s infidelity due to their higher emotional intelligence and intuition.

Financial Independence

Financial independence may also be a factor in why women file for divorce more often than men. As women have gained greater economic power and the ability to support themselves financially, they may feel less dependent on their partners for financial security.

This can give them the freedom to leave a relationship that is not meeting their needs without fear of economic hardship. Women who are financially independent may also be more confident in their ability to navigate the divorce process and come out on the other side with their financial future intact.

Domestic Violence

Domestic violence is a serious issue that affects people of all genders, but women are more likely than men to experience it. If a woman is in an abusive relationship, she may feel that divorce is the only way to protect herself and her children.

Domestic violence can take many forms, including physical, emotional, and financial abuse, and it can have a devastating impact on a woman’s life. Women who are in abusive relationships may feel trapped and powerless, but divorce can be a way to regain control and start fresh.

Lack of Communication and Emotional Connection

Finally, communication issues may also contribute to why women file for divorce more often than men. Studies have shown that women tend to place a higher value on communication and emotional connection in their relationships than men do. If a woman feels that her partner is not meeting these needs, she may become frustrated and unhappy in the relationship.

Communication breakdowns can lead to a lack of trust and understanding, which can ultimately lead to divorce. Women who are in relationships where they feel that their partner is not willing to communicate or meet their emotional needs may feel that divorce is the only way to find a more fulfilling relationship.

In conclusion, there are several potential factors in why women file for divorce more often than men. These include changing gender roles, infidelity, financial independence, domestic violence, and communication issues.

While divorce is never an easy decision to make, it can be the best option for women who feel that their needs are not being met in their relationships. By understanding the reasons why women may be more likely to file for divorce, we can work to address these issues and create more equitable and fulfilling partnerships.

The post The Truth Behind Why Women File For Divorce More Often Than Men appeared first on Divorced Moms.


Man with black mask on his face

How To Survive The Divorce Process With a Narcissist

Man with black mask on his face


Divorce is often a painful and challenging experience, but it can be even more difficult when dealing with a narcissistic spouse.

Narcissists are known for their need for control, manipulation, and lack of empathy, which can make the divorce process a nightmare.

However, there are ways to survive a divorce with a narcissist and come out on the other side stronger and more resilient.

10 Tips for Surviving the Divorce Process With a Narcissist

Educate Yourself

One of the most important things you can do when divorcing a narcissist is to educate yourself about narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). This will help you understand the behavior of your spouse and give you insight into how to best navigate the divorce process. You can read books, consult with a therapist, or join a support group for people dealing with narcissistic partners.

Hire an Experienced Attorney

It is crucial to hire an experienced attorney who has dealt with cases involving narcissistic spouses. Narcissists are often skilled at manipulation and may try to use the legal system to their advantage. An experienced attorney can help you understand your rights and protect you from any underhanded tactics your spouse may try to use.

Set Boundaries

Narcissists thrive on control and manipulation, so it is important to set clear boundaries during the divorce process. This means clearly communicating your needs and expectations and sticking to them. For example, if your spouse is constantly sending you angry or threatening messages, you can set a boundary that all communication must go through your attorney.

Keep Records

Narcissists often try to twist the truth to make themselves look good, so it is important to keep detailed records of all communication and interactions with your spouse. This includes emails, text messages, phone calls, and in-person conversations. This documentation can be used as evidence if your spouse tries to lie or manipulate the situation.

Take Care of Yourself

Divorce can be emotionally and physically draining, especially when dealing with a narcissistic spouse. It is important to take care of yourself during this time. This may mean getting regular exercise, eating a healthy diet, and getting enough sleep. It may also mean seeking the support of friends, family, or a therapist.

Don’t Engage in Drama

Narcissists thrive on drama and conflict, so it is important not to engage in their games. This means avoiding arguments or trying to reason with your spouse when they are being unreasonable. Instead, try to remain calm and level-headed, and stick to the facts.

Stay Focused on the Outcome

Divorce can be a long and difficult process, but it is important to stay focused on the outcome. This means setting clear goals for yourself and working towards them. It may also mean letting go of things that are not worth fighting over and focusing on the bigger picture.

Be Prepared for a Battle

Divorcing a narcissist can be a battle, so it is important to be prepared for this. This means having a plan in place for how you will handle any challenges that may arise. It may also mean being mentally prepared for a long and difficult process.

Don’t Let Your Spouse Get the Best of You

Narcissists are skilled at pushing people’s buttons and getting a reaction. It is important not to let your spouse get the best of you. This means avoiding reacting to their provocations and staying calm and collected.

Keep Your Children’s Best Interests in Mind

If you have children, it is important to keep their best interests in mind throughout the divorce process. This means avoiding using them as pawns in the divorce, and doing everything you can to protect them from any conflict or negative behavior from your spouse.

In conclusion, divorcing a narcissistic spouse can be a challenging and emotionally draining experience, but it is possible.

The post How To Survive The Divorce Process With a Narcissist appeared first on Divorced Moms.


impact of divorce in the workplace

Divorce And Working Productivity: The Impact of Divorce In The Workplace

impact of divorce in the workplace


Divorce or a breakdown of a cohabitation relationship is an extremely emotional process. While divorce is a personal matter the emotional impact can spill over into the workplace suddenly making it a public affair. There are so many unknowns about divorce that people are often confused, filled with fear and unsure of how to navigate the process. And that is one reason the impact of divorce in the workplace can be detrimental to an organization.

In an effort to better heal and deal with the divorce process privately, many individuals seek individual counseling. However, not all therapists are equipped to help their patients understand the specifics of divorce to alleviate many of their concerns i.e. the legal process, financial impact or child custody and visitation issues.

As a result, an individual’s world is temporarily turned upside down, triggering unsettling and distressful emotions. The effects of the emotional distress in the workplace can be devastating.

On a classic rating scale of stressful life events, divorce consistently ranks No. 2, second only to the death of a spouse or child. The process of getting divorced is an emotional roller coaster which can impact people’s ability to be mindful on the job.

Although divorce is primarily a personal heartbreak, the effects spill into the workplace; at the extreme costing one to lose their job not to mention a good portion of their wealth, and it can even affect the organization’s reputation. People often feel overburdened and lack confidence; it is not surprising how many buckle under the pressure.

The Impact of Divorce in the Workplace

It is well documented that divorce reduces worker productivity. If one were to do a cost-benefit analysis of the effects of divorce in the workplace, one would find that the financial costs to the organization can be enormous. Research indicates that:

  • The average cost of divorcing employees to an organization is $83, 171 per year*
  • Child custody issues can create a significant cost for employers which include administration of health care, absenteeism, time off for court dates and shortened work hours for the divorcing.**
  • It can take up to 5 years for employee productivity to rebound after divorce**
  • Workers in domestic disputes become unavailable for travel or extended hours**

In addition, if key executives are faced with marital separation and/or divorce this situation can have a much more dramatic impact on the organization such as taking important people away from the workplace and can have a very disruptive effect on the organization’s business.

When employers are able to help employees through this difficult, potentially distracting, and all too common situation, it can pay valuable dividends for both. When people are distracted, they make more mistakes and work more slowly. If they’re feeling depressed, their creativity will be down. If they’re feeling angry, they may project some of that anger onto co-workers or even customers.

To help overcome these issues, there needs to be a greater understanding of this new phase of life, the new family structure, the superior parenting skills required, and the shared parental responsibility necessary.

By educating employees about the impact of divorce and how to effectively manage the divorce process, it will lead them to a greater understanding of what needs to be done. This will successfully help employees divorce with focus, hope, and confidence, thereby enabling them to contribute more effectively to their job; and for their employer, to see a return on their investment, as employee productivity is not diminished as significantly.

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worried woman with hand on forehead

4 Early Divorce Mistakes and Why You Should Avoid Them

worried woman with hand on forehead


Marriage can be (and often is) a time of joy and love. Getting married usually means you have found “the person” you plan to spend the rest of your life with. However, it does not work out that way for everyone. According to the Daily Pioneer, 40 to 50% of marriages end in divorce.

This could be due to many different reasons, such as marrying at too young an age, episodes of infidelity or abuse, or simply falling out of love. Whatever the reason(s) a marriage fails, the decision to divorce is typically an emotionally difficult one, and jumping into the divorce process without being fully prepared for what is to come can lead to several critical and potentially costly mistakes which can be avoided with the right preparation.

This article addresses four early divorce mistakes

Mistake No. 1: Failing to confront indecision

Divorce is not generally a snap decision where you wake up one morning and decide to do it in an instant. For most people, the decision to divorce is a much more gradual process that begins with questions such as: Is this marriage working? Is there a way to make it better? Am I done? What would divorce be like? What would life after divorce be like? Is this what I want? This is what we call the period of indecision.

Yet many people hire a lawyer to file divorce papers without fully moving through the period of indecision, thinking they can start the process and continue mulling it over. However, filing divorce papers brings court-driven deadlines, pre-trial discovery requests from the opposing attorney, and mandatory court appearances, all of which your attorney will be required to respond to; and all of which will be costing money, lots of money, while the mulling over and indecision continues.

To be sure, filing for divorce is a commitment, not something to think over and second-guess once the wheels have been set in motion. Cases can be withdrawn of course, if both sides agree, but that’s after lots of unnecessary fees. The bottom line: Confront the period of indecision head-on. Get assistance from a professional such as a divorce counselor or other health professional if that will help. But believe that you will be best served by fully moving through the period of indecision before committing to the divorce process.

Mistake No. 2: Failing to get organized

There is significant value to getting organized before hitting the “start button” on the divorce process and failing to do so can be and usually is unnecessarily costly, both in terms of legal fees and in terms of the outcome. One of the most important and valuable things you can do for yourself is to prepare in advance.

That means not only getting emotionally ready but also getting your financial information and documents gathered and organized. When a couple gets married, state law provides certain rights and responsibilities–that’s the contract of marriage. When a couple gets divorced, the court system is set up to evaluate those rights and responsibilities as they relate to whatever assets are owned at the time of separation.

What did the couple accumulate during the marriage?  Are both spouses entitled to all of those assets or not? Will one spouse be obligated to support the other, and what will be fair? If there are children involved, what will the support obligation be, and for how long? If the financial picture is fuzzy, or if all assets are unknown or some are hidden, this process can become volatile, drawn out, and unnecessarily costly. Very costly.

It is also not uncommon for one spouse to be unaware of some or all the marital assets, as well as to have limited access to the information. This also translates into a drawn-out procedure to locate and value marital assets, all leading to unnecessary fees and costs.

The bottom line: Get organized in advance before starting any formal divorce process. Get help if you need it but having your financial house (documents and information) in order in advance generally saves many thousands of dollars in fees and usually translates to a better result in the end.

Mistake No. 3: Choosing the wrong divorce process

There are four main ways you can get a divorce starting with going to court. First, understand that going to trial to resolve disputed issues means handing all decisions over to a judge, rather than participating yourself in a mutually agreed resolution. Leaving it to a judge to decide what is best for your family is not something you want if you can avoid it. Judges are there to protect people when they need to be protected.

So, if there’s abuse in your marriage, whether it’s financial abuse, physical abuse, or emotional abuse, that can be an appropriate case to take to trial because the court can enter orders to protect you and your family.

However, if you’re arguing over accounts, vacation houses, and collectibles, then court is to be avoided if possible. A second way is for both spouses to hire attorneys or other professionals for themselves but to tell them you ultimately want to settle out of court. This way you let them do the heavy lifting, back and forth, and trading proposals, all while it’s settled out of court. The third way is mediation. This consists of you and your spouse and a neutral third party in a room (or virtually meeting with them). That person might be an attorney, they might be a mental health professional, or they might have a financial background, but their job is not to decide what’s going to happen. They’re helping the two of you reach a decision by providing information along the way and helping the couple reach a compromise.

Lastly, the fourth way is a “do it yourself process”. Some companies are now offering online divorces where they have the forms available, and you and your spouse can fill in what you want the court to do. This method is becoming more popular, which is understandable since the cost is a lot lower, the time frame can be much shorter and it’s empowering to do something on your own.

However, there’s a very narrow window for spouses to get an outcome that feels fair at the end of that process. Part of that is because divorce is very complex legally, financially, and emotionally. The idea that you could do it all on your own is probably not realistic for most people.

Mistake No. 4: Hiring the wrong help

Hiring the right help, whether it’s a therapist, a parenting expert, an attorney, a mediator, or whomever you decide is crucial to your divorce process. Having the right team to help to get you to the finish line can make the process much smoother. When you’re hiring an attorney, it’s not just where they went to school or how many years they’ve been in practice, or their fees that matter.

Consider: Are you comfortable talking to this person? Do you feel like they understand your goals? Are they really going to support your process in the best way possible? Or are you going to be locking horns with this person, fighting your own team the whole way?

Having a personality fit with your attorney is just as important, if not more important, than their credentials on paper. In conclusion, entering the divorce process can be a complex undertaking, filled with mixed emotions and high anxiety. Before pulling the trigger and starting the process, confront the period of indecision, get your financial ducks in a row by getting organized in advance, choose your professionals wisely, and pick the right process for your issues.

Avoiding these early mistakes will make your process easier, faster, and more cost-effective. Additionally, having a strong support system to be there with you every step of the way is important as you are not alone, and you will soon be able to start your new beginning.

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Man yelling behind upset woman

6 Things To Remember If You Are Divorcing A Narcissist

Man yelling behind upset woman


Narcissists are people who have the personality of thinking and admiring themselves. As they have a huge need for attention and admiration for themselves, they lack empathy for others resulting in troubled relationships.

Things to Remember When Divorcing a Narcissist

These people remain captivating and charming in the first place, but when they start staying together with their partners, adjustments become difficult for them. When divorcing a narcissist, you should remember the following things.

Defend Yourself Against The Lies In Court

You should use a diary and take notes of everything, even if it seems insignificant. It would help if you communicated with your narcissist partner through mail or texts so that written documents remain as proof. Your verbal communication should be minimal, without any emotions. You should not provide any reaction or get provoked by the words of your partner. You should also not discuss any court proceedings. In case of any confusion, you should consult with your lawyer.

Never Go For Negotiation If They Beg And Plead

They will never let you go easily. So they can plead and beg for what they want. They will even do things to make you feel wonderful and will promise that they will change their attitude and behavior. But when they cannot soften you, they might curse you, saying that you will never find someone good or you will be ruined. Whatever the situation, never get manipulated into going back to them. If you are courageous enough to stick to your course, you will be grateful in the long run. A family law attorney will guide you so you never get manipulated.

Never Try Rationalizing With Your Partner

Rationalizing will never work with your partner, who will soon be your ex. Narcissists will never care about rational thoughts and are very much involved in what they think. If you want to share rational thoughts, you should share them with your support team, who will understand you properly. They are aware of the truth and your situation and will be there for you whenever required.

Never Get Provoked With Lies

Your narcissistic partner may lie in court. It is to get your attention and provoke you. They may scream, throw tantrums and do whatever they want to provoke you. You need to breathe calmly and never get involved in the provocation. Though it is very tough to stay calm in situations where you are being humiliated with huge lies, you need to stay patient and calm to get results in the long run.

Never Become Emotional

A narcissist’s main goal will be to get a rise out of you. When you get emotional, they will easily prove you the person they want you to be proved in front of the court. They are very manipulative and charming. If you fall for their charm, it will create a picture of their positive side and your negative side in front of the court. The less emotional you will remain, the better your position will be. It would be good if you never screamed or yelled out your feelings at the court, as it will never look good in front of them.

Hire A Specialist Lawyer

The divorce process is tough, but with a specialist lawyer, it will become smooth. Make sure that the lawyer has dealt with similar cases before so that you have a high chance of winning the case. It will help if you are looking for lawyers who specialize in dealing with Divorce from a narcissist.


Dealing with narcissists is difficult if you get easily provoked and emotional. So, when you are fighting a case against them, you should hire a specialist lawyer against them who can help you win the case.

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Mom and daughters standing in the ocean

A Fresh Start: 5 Ways to Reclaim Your Life After Divorce

Mom and daughters standing in the ocean


Going through a divorce can leave you feeling emotionally drained, financially insecure, and even worried about your future. No matter how long you were married or how the relationship ended, divorce is never easy. It can cause you to feel like you’ve lost part of your identity, and you might not know which direction your life is headed.

Take a deep breath.

Those thoughts and feelings are perfectly normal, but they don’t have to be permanent.

Reclaim Your Life after Divorce

Now that you’re done dealing with judges and lawyers, you can start writing the next chapter of your life and reclaim your identity after a divorce. If you’re not sure how to get started, we’ve got a few suggestions on how to give yourself the fresh start you deserve.

1. Consider a Move

Typically, one person will remain in the marital home after a divorce, especially if kids are involved. Or, a couple might choose to sell the home and split the profits. Whatever the case, it can be beneficial to move to a different home or new location entirely if you have the ability.

There can be countless memories attached to a house, a town, and even specific buildings. Any place that reminds you of the negative aspects of your relationship can be detrimental to your healing process.

If you have the freedom and the finances, consider moving to a place that offers a good social and entertainment scene. Doing so will encourage you to “get out there” and jumpstart the next phase of your journey.

2. Take Care of Your Body

It can be hard to find the motivation to work out and eat healthy after going through a stressful divorce. All of us have seen the stereotypes of women in movies and TV shows sitting in bed eating a pint of Ben & Jerry’s and watching romantic comedies.

There’s nothing wrong with that – in moderation. It’s okay to grieve the loss of your marriage and find comfort in the things you love.

However, it’s not a long-term solution, and won’t get you started on a fresh path in life.

Instead, try to focus on taking care of your body. It’s a wonderful form of self-care, and regular exercise has countless benefits, including

  • It can improve your mood
  • It boosts your energy
  • It reduces stress
  • You’ll boost your cardiovascular health
  • You’ll increase your stamina
  • You’ll sleep better

It’s okay to start small. Go for a walk around the neighborhood or commit to jogging every morning. Join a dance class or a sports team. Find what works for you and makes you feel happy. Playing a sport or joining a class can be especially effective for your mental health as they’ll allow you to meet new people and not feel so alone.

3. Manage Your Mental Health

Speaking of your mental well-being, it’s crucial to make it a priority after a divorce. According to a study done by AARP, 28% of people over the age of 40 experience depression after going through a divorce. If you’re truly struggling with your mental wellness, one of the best things you can do is consider seeking professional help. A therapist can work with you to overcome those feelings and start you on a healthier path forward.

However, there are also things you can incorporate into your daily routine to prioritize your mental health and reclaim your thoughts and your life, including

Self-care is hugely important when it comes to your mental health. Try to do something each day that reduces your stress and makes you feel good about yourself. By finding more activities that boost your mental wellness, bit by bit, you’ll start to feel more like yourself than you have in years, and you’ll have more confidence in yourself that you can “start over” and enjoy a new life.

4. Reclaim Your Finances

A divorce can be financially draining. Between attorney fees and potentially owing your former spouse, you might be worried about your financial situation while you’re trying to start over on your own.

Thankfully, there are a few things you can do to reclaim your finances and start building a better nest egg.

Start by reevaluating your job. Maybe your spouse was the “breadwinner” in your marriage and you’re looking for a job for the first time. Choose a career path that you can see yourself in for a long time. Nowadays, it’s not uncommon to work from home or work as a freelancer. Do you have a specific skill that you can advertise to others? You might be able to start a side-hustle or full-time job by putting it to good use.

If you already have a job but you’re looking for more ways to build wealth and secure your finances, consider looking into different investments. Even if you’re on a budget, you can build wealth through various savings accounts, or by looking into nontraditional investment types. Investing is a great way to secure your retirement and provide for your kids in the future.

5. Let Go of Your Past

This is perhaps the most important tip for reclaiming your life after divorce.

You’re never going to be able to truly move ahead unless you let go of the pain and frustration caused by your marriage and the divorce process. No matter how things ended, you have to be able to forgive yourself and your former spouse.

Don’t hold grudges. Be willing to co-parent if you share kids. Focus on moving forward in life, rather than holding on to the things that caused so much turmoil. You don’t control what happens to you, but you do control how you react to it. While it will take time and effort to fully heal from your divorce, choosing to “let go” is a good place to start. The longer you hold onto the pain, the longer it will take for you to reclaim your life.

You’ve been given a clean slate. It might not feel like it right now, but this is a chance to start fresh and not only write the rest of your story but reclaim your identity while you’re at it. Use this opportunity to rediscover who you are and who you want to be, and use these tips to help you get started on that road of discovery.

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gray haired happy woman

When You’re Drunk in Love, But You Finally Came to Your Senses…After 30 Years

gray haired happy woman


“In sickness and in health…for richer or poorer…Until death do us part.”

People get married to grow old with each other. During their nuptials, partners exchange marriage vows and speak of a love that lasts forever. You say words full of promises to be there for each other no matter the circumstance. However, it’s not always the case. Couples can decide to part ways even after 30 years into their marriage.

Drunk in Love

Take the case of Bill and Melinda Gates. The couple, married for 27 years, shocked the world when they announced their split. But their separation isn’t special. Divorce after years of marriage is pretty common.

Why does this happen? Is it a trend or a pressing problem with ramifications for both parties? This article will discuss why the overall divorce rate for the older demographic is increasing over time.

What is Gray Divorce?

Gray divorce is also known as a “silver splitter.” It’s a legal separation between two older adults aged 50 and above. These couples have shared long-lasting relationships between 20 to 30 years together. Most involved in these divorce proceedings belong to the baby boomer generation and mostly have gray hairs. Hence, the name gray divorce.

The gray divorce rate going up is not news. It’s been going on for years. A 2012 study documented that marriage dissolution in people aged 50 and older doubled within 10 years. In 2010 alone, 25 percent of divorces belonged to the older age group.

Today, not much has changed. The latest report by the US Census Department highlighted that 34.9 percent of Americans filing for divorce in 2020 were 55 years old and older.

Interestingly, these older adults not only have to deal with financial constraints but also health concerns. Divorcing after years of marriage also means saying goodbye to a longer life. Studies have shown that married individuals have longer life expectancy than unmarried ones.

Three Reasons Why Even Long-Term Marriages End up in Divorce

Long-term marriages go through different stages of learning and relearning about each other. Couples discover new things about each other over the years of being together. In the course of their relationship, they may realize that they have different views on things.

There may also be some instances when problems can get out of hand. In such cases, the best course of action is to go their separate ways. While they grow together, it’s also possible for them to grow apart. Here are three common reasons why gray divorce happens:

Empty Nest Syndrome

As adult children seek an independent life by moving out, most couples find themselves spending more time with only each other. This constant exposure to each other’s presence can highlight the dynamics the couples share.

Married couples tend to focus more on their differences now that they no longer have children to look after. During all the years of marriage, most couples rarely spend time alone.

Going on dates and doing activities without the kids are a rarity. As their children are no longer there to mask marital neglect, the cracks of the marriage become more visible.

When they are in their midlife, couples may realize that both of them have changed. They no longer share the same passions and goals.

Financial Issues

Married couples will have to face several challenges as they work through their marriage. A significant one is financial issues. These monetary problems are more tolerable when both spouses have their sources of income.

However, there may be instances when these financial issues become a significant concern in the marriage. Many couples must rely on their retirement funds when they reach retirement age. Living on a fixed income means they must be more careful about their spending habits.

Financial conflicts can also arise from the so-called spender vs. saver dichotomy. This difference in mindset can cause a rift in the marriage.

For example, a partner stays at home with no income while the other continues to work. The other can feel guilty about not contributing financially. The other may feel more power in the relationship because they’re “providing” familial support.

Financial problems can also stem from addictions, often dragging on in the long-term. In such cases, most couples decide to start the divorce process by consulting a certified divorce financial analyst. This helps determine the appropriate spousal support.


Marital neglect is common in long-term marriages. Some couples become so used to seeing and being with their partners that they take each other for granted. It can result in a lack of romance, making them easily succumb to temptation. While there’s no excuse for cheating on a spouse, some partners may seek what their marriage lacks in other people.

According to psychologists, people cheat because they have emotional issues. They use cheating as a way to deal with aging. Starting an affair makes them believe they are still attractive to someone other than their partners.

Many divorcing couples go through bouts of infidelity several times throughout their marriage until they reach a breaking point. However, using infidelity as grounds for divorce can be tricky. While adultery is illegal in some states, it doesn’t hold weight in divorce proceedings. Talking to a family law attorney may be necessary in order to understand your state’s divorce laws.

Divorce After 30 Years: What to Expect

Starting a new life after a long marriage can be challenging but liberating. There are things you must know. Here are some of them.

Retirement and Divorce

Since gray divorce occurs when you’re in your retirement age, it’s essential to secure your finances, healthcare, and retirement accounts to shield yourself from physical and mental injuries.

Keep in mind that your divorce can impact your retirement plans. Ask your divorce attorney about the division of assets and alimony.

Think about your financial security. If you’re relying on monthly pensions, consider if it will be enough to support your needs. You must also look into your healthcare insurance.

If you’re looking to keep lawyers out of the divorce, it is possible to get divorced without hiring an attorney in some states like Texas. Before deciding whether to proceed with a DIY divorce, make sure to look into your state’s laws and consider the pros and cons.

Changes in Family Dynamics

Divorce means a change in the current family dynamics. Post-divorce, the family traditions that you’ve followed for years will change.

Children will end up choosing sides over trivial and important things. Though not always guaranteed, divorce can split the entire family. For example, children must choose which parent they will spend the holidays with. Ultimately, they may decide not to visit anyone at all. This may cause them to grow apart from you.

Older people divorcing doesn’t mean they won’t remarry. Remarried couples often have to deal with introducing their new relationships to their children.

Gray Divorce Is Not the End of Your Story

Divorcing later in life doesn’t mean that you’ve made a mistake. You got married because it felt right at that time. Several things can happen while you’re together that forces you to make the brave decision of accepting your reality.

Remember, divorce doesn’t mean your story is ending. It is the start of another chapter in your life.

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Why It's Important To Put Children First During Divorce

Why It’s Important To Put Children First During Divorce

Why It's Important To Put Children First During Divorce


I’m not one of those experts who believe that divorce has little significant effect on a child’s life. I’m of the opinion that divorce can set a child up for lifelong emotional struggles. The divorce of a child’s parent leaves them with negative emotions they will deal with throughout their lives in one way or another.

Yes, they learn to adjust to the fact that their parents are divorced, but the sadness caused by the divorce lessens with time but never goes away. On top of the regret a child feels over a parent’s divorce, there can be devastating consequences if the parents do not handle the divorce in a responsible manner.

I bristle when I hear parents say that children are “resilient” and can “handle” their divorce. I’ve talked to adults who were devastated years after their divorce was finalized, yet for some strange reason, they believe that their children are more capable of getting over and learning to live with a situation they, themselves, are finding hard to accept and move on from.

It is this belief by parents that children are resilient that sets children up for disaster when their parent’s divorce. A child’s divorce experience is shaped by whether or not parents continue to put their children’s well-being and security first during the divorce process.

Why it’s Important to Put Children First During Divorce

Divorce means huge changes in the lives of children.

It can also mean direct involvement in the conflict between parents, changes in where they live, economic hardship, broken bonds with a parent, loss of emotional security, and a multitude of emotional stressors.

Divorce means the loss of a child’s family, something that is the center of their universe.

If a child is raised in a happy or low-conflict family, that family is the base of their security. It is what allows that child to go out into the world and broaden their horizons because they know there is a safe place to return to.

The loss of an intact family is like a death to the child. There will be a period of grieving and a need to replace, with something new, the security they had in the intact family.

Divorce increases a child’s risk of psychological, educational, and sociological problems.

A parent’s divorce touches every aspect of a child’s life. A child’s relationships with friends will change, and their ability to focus and concentrate in school will be affected. As a result, there is an increased possibility of problems with anxiety and depression.

Divorce causes children emotional pain.

Regardless of how hard a parent tries and how well they parent, a child will feel sadness and loss during and after a divorce. Your divorce is going to hurt your children! And please, don’t fall for the nonsense belief that if the “parent is happy, the child will be happy.” I promise you unless your child is witnessing or a party to domestic abuse or high conflict, the child could care less if Mom and Dad are happy.

Some parents have a misguided belief that their children are spending time and energy worrying about their happiness. Nothing could be further from the truth, children are concerned with their own happiness and security, as it should be.

So, please, don’t project your need to divorce so you can be “happy” off onto your children. You will do them no favor, and it will free you up to ignore their pain due to a skewed belief that is not correct.

What Are The Negative Effects of Divorce For Children?

If you contrast children from intact families to children of divorce, children from divorced families are:

  • Twice as likely to have to see a mental health provider,
  • Twice as likely to exhibit behavioral problems,
  • More than twice as likely to have problems with depression and mood disorders,
  • Twice as likely to drop out of high school before graduating,
  • Twice as likely to divorce themselves as adults,
  • Less socially competent and tend to linger in adolescents before moving into adulthood.

Andrew Cherlin, a family demographer at Johns Hopkins University, said that even those who grow up to be very successful as adults carry “the residual trauma of their parent’s breakup.”

In other words, when we, as adults, make the decision to divorce, we are going against our natural parental instincts…protecting our children from harm. Some would argue that divorce in and of itself does not cause harm to children. They believe that it is the behavior of the parents during a divorce that determines how a child will fare or what the consequences will be.

I agree that, as parents, we can lessen the negative effects of divorce on our children. There are obligations that parents have during divorce that can help their children cope. The issue I have, though, is this, during my career as a therapist who has worked closely with divorcing clients, children seem to take a backseat to their parent’s needs during that time.

Parents are more focused on the legal process of divorce and their own emotional needs than their children’s needs. Until I see a change in the way the majority of parents behave during divorce I will hold onto my belief that children are irreparably harmed by divorce and suffer due to parents who are unable to parent and divorce at the same time.

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The Most Important Stages Of The Divorce Process

The Most Important Stages Of The Divorce Process


Divorce is both an emotional and a financial hassle. If you want to file for dissolution of marriage in Florida, you should know there are two types of divorce. The simplified dissolution of marriage and the regular dissolution of marriage.

In a simplified dissolution of marriage, spouses agree on the division of assets and property, do not have children or file for divorce during a pregnancy stage, or do not seek alimony. In a regular dissolution of marriage, the situation is reversed, and various aspects of the divorce cannot be agreed upon.

In both cases, consulting with a divorce lawyer can simplify the process, bringing it to an end sooner and in your favor. Working with a lawyer can help you take the proper actions while the case is underway. For example, certain actions, such as online statements, can backfire on your case during the divorce procedure. Click here to learn more.

Regardless of what type of divorce you wish to pursue in Florida, here are some of the most important stages:

The Petition and the Response

The first stage in a divorce, and one of the most important for foreshadowing how your divorce case will go, is how you file the petition and how your spouse responds to it. In Florida, you must meet some requirements before filing for divorce, such as:

  • One of the spouses had a residency in Florida for at least six months before filing for divorce
  • Both parties must provide full financial disclosure
  • Proof of marriage
  • Demonstrating the marriage is disjointed

When you file the dissolution of marriage in the county you reside in, the court will send divorce papers to your spouse. If your spouse disagrees with the divorce settlement terms, the court will order a court hearing.

If your spouse agrees with the settlement agreement, your divorce case will not go to trial and will be finalized sooner. A divorce attorney can help you prepare your files properly so your case proceeds easier.

If your spouse dodges the divorce papers, it may be an early sign that your divorce proceedings will not go smoothly, and thus you will need a good divorce lawyer to help you combat other divorce delaying tactics that your spouse may use later.

Division of Family Assets & Alimony

The equitable division laws in Florida imply the distribution of all marital assets. Although some do not consider these laws to be fair, a divorce attorney will represent your rights and opinions regarding alimony. This is the most critical financial stage in a divorce, and the court will consider issues such as:

  • The duration of your marriage
  • Disabilities, age, and health
  • Various economic circumstances
  • Spousal allocation of wealth

It’s important to avoid big financial decisions during your divorce proceedings; otherwise, it may backfire on your case. Even if you learn here more about the most important stages of a divorce, things can turn out differently in your case. Contacting a divorce lawyer is the best way to have your case analyzed and get solid legal advice that can prepare you for the most important stages in your particular divorce proceedings.

Child Custody or Child Support

The most important “emotional stage” of any divorce is, of course, related to child custody. Here, the court will decide in the child’s best interest, and this is the stage where issues such as domestic violence, child abuse, and other problems are discussed if present.

If you want to keep your children safe, working with a divorce lawyer is imperative to prove the abusive behavior of your former partner. Apart from this, child support is also important during separation. Even with the distribution of assets, raising and caring for children is difficult without additional financial support. Child support is imperative if you are unable to take care of your children due to financial reasons.

More importantly, even if you aren’t an abusive parent, your former spouse may try to put the blame on you. Having a good divorce lawyer by your side is critical in this situation, as they will help you out and fight in your best interest till the end.

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