A Judicial Failure
We all want victims of domestic abuse to be protected from real attackers, but what is going on in Judge Barbara Stalder’s court …
source
Watchdog criticises family courts’ handling of domestic abuse
System retraumatises victims of abuse in England and Wales and puts children’s safety at risk, report says.
The family courts are putting the safety of children at risk by failing to deal effectively with domestic abuse, a report says.
The domestic abuse commissioner for England and Wales, Nicole Jacobs, calls in the report for urgent reforms to a family justice system that she says retraumatises victims, minimises abuse and fails to hear the voice of the child.
Jacobs is calling on the government to abolish means testing for legal aid for all victims of domestic abuse and to provide funding so that every survivor has a specialist domestic abuse support worker.
She said: “I have heard from hundreds of victims of and survivors. They tell me how they have been retraumatised by private family law children proceedings and left fearing for their children’s safety.”
A survey of 138 legal practitioners found 80% felt that the family courts were likely to retraumatise those who had experienced domestic abuse.
Read more here.
Beware Coercive Controlling Judges Who Act Like The Abusers From Whom Litigants Are Supposed To Be Protected
Coercive Control is the term conceptualized by forensic expert Even Stark, Ph.D., to describe the pattern of behaviors that imply or actually abuse and dominate through threatened violence. This construct is often used to depict a violent person in domestic abuse who uses control for psychological, emotional, physical, sexual, and/or financial abuse of his or […]
The post Beware Coercive Controlling Judges Who Act Like The Abusers From Whom Litigants Are Supposed To Be Protected first appeared on Foundation for Child Victims of the Family Courts.
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Narcissistic Abuse Recovery UK: A Comprehensive Guide
If you have been in a relationship with a narcissist, you know how traumatising it can be. Narcissistic abuse is a form of emotional abuse that can leave lasting effects on a person’s mental health and well-being. Recovering from narcissistic abuse can be challenging, but with the right support, it is possible to heal and move forward.
In this article, we will provide you with a comprehensive guide on narcissistic abuse recovery in the UK. We will cover everything from understanding narcissistic abuse, recognising the signs, and steps to take towards healing.
Understanding Narcissistic Abuse
Narcissistic abuse is a form of emotional abuse that is characterised by a pattern of manipulative behaviours used by a narcissistic person to control and dominate their partner. This type of abuse can be difficult to identify because it is often subtle and covert.
What are the Signs of Narcissistic Abuse?
Some signs of narcissistic abuse include:
- Gaslighting: A form of psychological manipulation that makes the victim doubt their own reality.
- Blame-shifting: The abuser blames the victim for things that are not their fault.
- Isolation: The abuser may isolate their victim from friends and family.
- Emotional blackmail: The abuser may threaten to harm themselves or others if their victim does not comply with their demands.
- Verbal abuse: The abuser may use name-calling, insults, and other forms of verbal abuse to undermine their victim’s self-esteem.
How Does Narcissistic Abuse Affect Victims?
Narcissistic abuse can have serious effects on a victim’s mental health and well-being, including:
- Anxiety and depression
- Low self-esteem and self-worth
- Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)
- Difficulty trusting others
- Difficulty establishing healthy relationships
Recovering from Narcissistic Abuse
Recovering from narcissistic abuse can be a long and difficult process, but it is possible. Here are some steps you can take towards healing:
1. Seek Professional Help
Seeking the help of a mental health professional is essential in the recovery process. A therapist can help you work through the trauma of narcissistic abuse and provide you with tools and strategies for healing. Book yourself a consultation with one of our specially trained therapists today.
2. Join a Support Group
Joining a support group can provide you with a safe and supportive environment to share your experiences with others who have been through similar situations. It can also provide you with a sense of community and validation. There are many available on Facebook if you put narcissistic abuse in the search bar.
3. Practice Self-Care
Practicing self-care is essential in the recovery process. This includes getting enough sleep, eating a healthy diet, exercising regularly, and engaging in activities that bring you joy.
4. Set Boundaries
Setting boundaries is essential in protecting yourself from future abuse. This may include limiting contact with the abuser or ending the relationship altogether.
DOWNLOAD OUR FREE GUIDE TO SETTING BOUNDARIES WITH A NARCISSIST EBOOK
5. Focus on Your Goals
Focusing on your goals and building a new life for yourself can help you move forward from the trauma of narcissistic abuse. This may include pursuing new hobbies, making new friends, or starting a new career.
Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Resources in the UK
Here are some resources available in the UK for those recovering from narcissistic abuse:
1. National Domestic Abuse Helpline
The National Domestic Abuse Helpline provides support and advice for those experiencing domestic abuse, including narcissistic abuse. You can contact them 24/7 on 0808 2000 247.
2. ManKind Initiative
ManKind Initiative provides support for male victims of domestic abuse, including narcissistic abuse. They offer online chat and phone support on 01823 334244.
3. Mind
Mind is a mental health charity that provides information and support for those experiencing mental health issues, including those recovering from narcissistic abuse. They offer a range of services, including a helpline, online support groups, and resources for self-care.
4. NHS Mental Health Services
The NHS provides mental health services that can be accessed through your GP. They offer a range of services, including therapy and counselling, to help those recovering from mental health issues, including those resulting from narcissistic abuse.
5. Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Programmes
There are also specific narcissistic abuse recovery programmes available in the UK, which offer a range of therapies and support services for those recovering from narcissistic abuse. These programmes are often run by mental health professionals and can be accessed privately or through referral from your GP. We are affiliates for Melanie Tonia Evans Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Programme.
- Specialist therapy services
We at The Nurturing Coach offer specialist therapy services for victims of narcissistic abuse to help with your recovery. You can access online course, blog posts, videos, workshops and one to one therapy. Take your time to explore our website, you will find lots of helpful resources.
Conclusion
Recovering from narcissistic abuse can be a challenging journey, but it is possible with the right support and resources. Understanding the signs of narcissistic abuse and seeking professional help are essential steps towards healing. Joining support groups, practicing self-care, setting boundaries, and focusing on your goals can also help you move forward from the trauma of narcissistic abuse.
Remember, you are not alone in this journey, and there are resources available to help you. Don’t hesitate to reach out for support and take the necessary steps towards healing.
The post Narcissistic Abuse Recovery UK: A Comprehensive Guide appeared first on The Nurturing Coach.
Domestic Violence: Navigating the Legal System
Domestic violence is a very serious crime. Being hurt by an intimate partner is a painful betrayal, and as many know, the cycle of abuse can be vicious and difficult to break. Domestic violence doesn’t just mean physical violence; it can mean verbal abuse, financial abuse, or sexual abuse.
For many domestic abuse victims, the first step is to confide in a friend or family member about what’s been happening. Oftentimes telling a trusted loved one about the abuse is the best way to get support and encouragement to leave.
Once a victim of domestic violence is safe and away from the abuser, the best thing they can do is report it to the police. If you are in immediate danger, call 911. If not, you can make a report by calling your local non-emergency police line, or by going in person. Law enforcement officials can take your report and also help with setting up restraining orders or providing information about community resources.
Navigating the Legal System
The legal system can seem overwhelming, but that shouldn’t be a reason not to report a crime. Let’s explore what the process entails.
Filing a Police Report
When making a police report, you will be asked to describe the violent incident(s) including details like when and where it occurred. The more details you can provide, the better. Law enforcement officials will ask you to provide any physical evidence or witnesses that you have, in order to strengthen your case. Although this is a very sensitive and scary time, the burden of proof, unfortunately, falls on the victim. The more evidence you can provide, the stronger your case will be.
After filing a report you can apply for a restraining order, which is a legal order that will prevent your abuser from coming near you. If your abuser violates the order and comes within a certain radius of you, they will be violating the law and will be punished. This is another layer of protection that will allow the police to keep your abuser away.
Once you file your police report, you will usually receive a temporary report number until an official case number is assigned. The police will usually call within a few days to follow up on your case and continue the process. Hiring an attorney to help with your case is always a good idea. Lawyers who specialize in domestic violence cases know how to navigate the legal system and can take that burden off victims while they focus on healing.
Many survivors of domestic violence wonder if they will have to face their abuser in court. Fortunately, most cases will not go to a trial. Usually, the defendant pleads guilty and a plea agreement is made before court becomes necessary.
Domestic Violence Charges
When it comes to the actual charges you file against your abuser, things can get a little complicated.
While there are some federal laws in place that relate to domestic violence, most applicable laws will come at the state level. Most states have a law specifically addressing domestic violence. For example, California law states that a domestic battery charge (violence against an intimate partner), is punishable by a $2,000 fine and/or a year in prison. Another California law stipulates that it is a crime to inflict “corporal injury” on a partner. This can be a misdemeanor or a felony charge. More severe punishments can include mandatory minimum sentences, probation restrictions, anger management classes, restraining orders, or firearm restrictions.
In some states, there is no specific criminal law for domestic violence. In Colorado and Wisconsin, for example, a domestic violence charge is merely an enhancer; this means that it can only be added to another charge, such as an assault charge. Fortunately, since domestic violence inherently involves some form of violence, it will qualify for some sort of criminal charge in every state.
Next Steps
Beyond seeking legal help, getting emotional support is also incredibly important after leaving a violent household. Finding a therapist will not only help with your psychological healing but can also help teach you ways to avoid these types of situations in the future. Finding joy again through a hobby or spending time with loved ones can be a good way to begin the healing journey.
Reporting domestic violence to the police and letting an attorney navigate the legal process is the best way that victims can hold their abusive partner accountable. By doing so, you can protect yourself and your family from future violence, and find the support that you need to move on and heal.
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Divorce After 45: Recovering from Decades of Domestic Abuse
In a 2019 survey, 23 percent of participants cited domestic violence as a significant contributor to their divorce. The numbers prove that domestic abuse is one of the major causes of separation.
Recovering from Decades of Domstic Abuse
For those suffering from decades of abuse, life after divorce should teach them how to move forward, heal, and recover. Whether you are a divorced woman or a man fresh out of a long marriage, you can use this guide to help you get started on your journey to recovery.
Defining Domestic Abuse
Domestic abuse refers to a pattern of behavior in any relationship to gain power and control over a partner. It is also known as domestic violence or intimate partner violence (IPV).
This type of abuse includes any actions meant to intimidate, frighten, terrorize, hurt, or manipulate someone. Humiliating, blaming, injuring, or wounding a partner are also forms of domestic abuse.
It can happen to any person of any age, race, religion, sexual orientation, or gender. Abuse can also occur within a range of certain relationships, including married couples, older couples, people living together, or couples who are dating.
It can affect all sorts of people from all education levels and socioeconomic backgrounds. Domestic abuse survivors may also include a child and other members of the household.
Domestic violence incidents are rarely isolated. As time passes, the incidents usually escalate in severity and frequency. The abuse may lead to serious physical injury or even death.
Types of Domestic Violence
Remember that domestic violence is not limited to physical violence alone. Abuse involves any action to gain control and power over a family member or a partner.
In this section, let us take a closer look at the different types of domestic violence. Knowing the various forms of IPV will make it easier to spot the signs of abuse.
Physical abuse
IPV in the form of physical abuse can involve the following behavior:
- Scratching, grabbing, biting, or spitting
- Strangling
- Burning
- Throwing objects to intimidate or hurt you
- Pushing or shoving
- Slapping or punching
- Breaking things or treasured possessions
- Hurting your children or threatening to hurt them
- Harming your pets or threatening to hurt them
- Exhausting you by disrupting your sleep
- Any threats or attempts to wound or kill you
Psychological or emotional abuse
This type of domestic abuse involves behavior your partner uses to control or damage your emotional well-being. The following actions are examples of this type of abuse:
- Yelling or standing threateningly
- Mocking, name-calling, or making humiliating gestures or remarks
- Interrupting you while you speak
- Not listening or responding when you ask questions
- Manipulating your children
- Dictating what you can and cannot do
- Placing little value on what you think or say
- Saying negative things about you, your friends, and your family
- Belittling you publicly
- Preventing you from seeing friends or relatives
- Cheating
- Being overly jealous
- Blaming others for their abusive behavior
- Monitoring your communications
Financial abuse
Economic or financial abuse happens when someone makes their partner financially dependent on them. The following behaviors are indicative of financial abuse:
- Hiding family assets
- Not letting you go to work or attend school
- Sabotaging employment opportunities
- Sabotaging educational opportunities
- Denying access to or destroying a car so you cannot go to work or school
- Refusing to provide financial support or child support
- Denying access to bank accounts
- Running up debt in your name
Signs of Domestic Abuse
In 2021, the number of divorced men and women in the age group of 45 to 49 reached approximately 3 million. The figure shows that it is never too late to leave a relationship, especially if you are stuck with an abusive partner. Do not be afraid to call up a divorce attorney, regardless of how many years you have been married.
To recover from domestic violence, you must first recognize the signs of abuse. These signs can be little things that you might miss if you are not actively looking for them. To know if you experience domestic violence, ask yourself this: Does your partner:
- Belittle you yourself and your accomplishments?
- Say you are nothing without them?
- Blame you for how they act or feel?
- Embarrass you in front of other people?
- Intimidate you to gain compliance?
- Make you feel inadequate?
- Tell you that you cannot make your own decisions?
- Physically hurt you?
- Use substance abuse as an excuse for hurting you?
- Call or show up unannounced to ensure you are where you said you would be?
- Pressure you sexually?
- Try to stop you from leaving after a fight?
- Leave you stranded somewhere after a fight?
- Stop you from doing things you want to do?
Another way to know is to ask yourself if you do or feel the following:
- That you can help your partner change only if you change yourself
- Scared of how your partner may react
- Make excuses and apologize to other people for your partner’s actions
- Prevent anything that would make your partner angry
- Never do what you want since you are always doing what your partner wants
- Stay with your partner because you are scared of what your spouse would do if you left
How To Recover From Domestic Abuse
On average, 24 people per minute experience stalking, physical violence, or rape by an intimate partner in the US. This means 12 million people experience domestic abuse over the course of one year.
These statistics underscore the importance of resources that can help survivors recover from their trauma. In this section, you will discover crucial tips and reminders that can help you start your recovery after decades of abuse.
Recognize the effects of trauma
The first step of recovery is to acknowledge that you need help. If you recognize the effects of trauma on yourself or your loved ones, you must seek professional help. The effects of trauma include:
- Panic attacks
- Feelings of self-hate
- Substance use
- Low self-esteem
- Anxiety
- Difficulty in sleeping
- Eating disorders
- Flashbacks of physical or sexual abuse
- Suicidal thoughts
- Fear of relationships and people
Learn to trust
Emotional abuse can lead younger survivors to fall into similar behavior patterns as they reach middle age. One common reaction to trauma is to distrust others.
After divorce, survivors might be scared of making new friends, meeting new partners, and forming new relationships. They might be afraid of intimacy.
However, there are still plenty of good people out there. To heal, survivors of domestic violence need to begin to let people into their new life.
Understand why recovery is important
Some people might not understand why it is crucial to make an effort to get better. However, they must understand why recovery is important for their recovery to be successful. Otherwise, the process can be more difficult.
It is crucial to know that healing is the key to overcoming traumatic experiences. Yes, healing is different for everyone, but for any individual, it requires the intention to recover and release past traumas. This intention can encourage the following scenarios:
- Domestic violence and divorce recovery allow survivors to develop closer relationships with others. This way, you do not have to spend more time thinking about your abuser. It is crucial to let your friends and family support you as you start the healing process.
- It will enable survivors to focus on themselves and not on their negative feelings. While healing, survivors can take their focus away from the negativity and do what helps them.
- It allows survivors to relieve their pain by finding new avenues to cope. You can take up a new hobby or return to your once-abandoned hobbies.
- It also helps survivors experience their feelings again after releasing all the emotions from past mental health trauma.
Ask for help
Asking for help is a crucial form of self-compassion. Those hurting should not be ashamed to ask for help. However, this could be easier said than done for survivors of domestic violence.
Survivors have a natural tendency to downplay the negative effects of abuse, especially if the abuse is not physical. Survivors often think if they’re not feeling extreme physician pain, they will handle things on their own.
If you want to move on from an abusive relationship, there is no shame in seeking help.
Learn How To Live Happier After a Divorce
Decades of marriage should not keep you from filing for a divorce if you are in an abusive relationship. Call a divorce lawyer so you can get started on your journey to recovery. You can also get divorced without hiring an attorney in some states like Texas.
To heal from abuse, do not be afraid to ask for help and form new relationships. Keep your ex-spouse out of your mind and live a better life post-divorce.
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Why It’s Important To Put Children First During Divorce
I’m not one of those experts who believe that divorce has little significant effect on a child’s life. I’m of the opinion that divorce can set a child up for lifelong emotional struggles. The divorce of a child’s parent leaves them with negative emotions they will deal with throughout their lives in one way or another.
Yes, they learn to adjust to the fact that their parents are divorced, but the sadness caused by the divorce lessens with time but never goes away. On top of the regret a child feels over a parent’s divorce, there can be devastating consequences if the parents do not handle the divorce in a responsible manner.
I bristle when I hear parents say that children are “resilient” and can “handle” their divorce. I’ve talked to adults who were devastated years after their divorce was finalized, yet for some strange reason, they believe that their children are more capable of getting over and learning to live with a situation they, themselves, are finding hard to accept and move on from.
It is this belief by parents that children are resilient that sets children up for disaster when their parent’s divorce. A child’s divorce experience is shaped by whether or not parents continue to put their children’s well-being and security first during the divorce process.
Why it’s Important to Put Children First During Divorce
Divorce means huge changes in the lives of children.
It can also mean direct involvement in the conflict between parents, changes in where they live, economic hardship, broken bonds with a parent, loss of emotional security, and a multitude of emotional stressors.
Divorce means the loss of a child’s family, something that is the center of their universe.
If a child is raised in a happy or low-conflict family, that family is the base of their security. It is what allows that child to go out into the world and broaden their horizons because they know there is a safe place to return to.
The loss of an intact family is like a death to the child. There will be a period of grieving and a need to replace, with something new, the security they had in the intact family.
Divorce increases a child’s risk of psychological, educational, and sociological problems.
A parent’s divorce touches every aspect of a child’s life. A child’s relationships with friends will change, and their ability to focus and concentrate in school will be affected. As a result, there is an increased possibility of problems with anxiety and depression.
Divorce causes children emotional pain.
Regardless of how hard a parent tries and how well they parent, a child will feel sadness and loss during and after a divorce. Your divorce is going to hurt your children! And please, don’t fall for the nonsense belief that if the “parent is happy, the child will be happy.” I promise you unless your child is witnessing or a party to domestic abuse or high conflict, the child could care less if Mom and Dad are happy.
Some parents have a misguided belief that their children are spending time and energy worrying about their happiness. Nothing could be further from the truth, children are concerned with their own happiness and security, as it should be.
So, please, don’t project your need to divorce so you can be “happy” off onto your children. You will do them no favor, and it will free you up to ignore their pain due to a skewed belief that is not correct.
What Are The Negative Effects of Divorce For Children?
If you contrast children from intact families to children of divorce, children from divorced families are:
- Twice as likely to have to see a mental health provider,
- Twice as likely to exhibit behavioral problems,
- More than twice as likely to have problems with depression and mood disorders,
- Twice as likely to drop out of high school before graduating,
- Twice as likely to divorce themselves as adults,
- Less socially competent and tend to linger in adolescents before moving into adulthood.
Andrew Cherlin, a family demographer at Johns Hopkins University, said that even those who grow up to be very successful as adults carry “the residual trauma of their parent’s breakup.”
In other words, when we, as adults, make the decision to divorce, we are going against our natural parental instincts…protecting our children from harm. Some would argue that divorce in and of itself does not cause harm to children. They believe that it is the behavior of the parents during a divorce that determines how a child will fare or what the consequences will be.
I agree that, as parents, we can lessen the negative effects of divorce on our children. There are obligations that parents have during divorce that can help their children cope. The issue I have, though, is this, during my career as a therapist who has worked closely with divorcing clients, children seem to take a backseat to their parent’s needs during that time.
Parents are more focused on the legal process of divorce and their own emotional needs than their children’s needs. Until I see a change in the way the majority of parents behave during divorce I will hold onto my belief that children are irreparably harmed by divorce and suffer due to parents who are unable to parent and divorce at the same time.
The post Why It’s Important To Put Children First During Divorce appeared first on Divorced Moms.
9 Things To Expect From An Angry Ex During And After Divorce
I divorced 16 years ago. I remember vividly my ex telling me he was angry and would be “for a very long time.” Welp, it’s been 16 long years, and he is still angry.
His anger caused the divorce process to drag on for seven years. It’s caused him to break off contact with his children only to pop into their lives every six years or so and drop bombs on them.
The only time our two children and I know peace is when he has disappeared from our lives. Thankfully he does that often and for long periods of time. I owe him deeply for those peaceful periods.
Back in December, he contacted our younger son. He had not seen or communicated with either of our sons in over 7-years. He made promises to a young man who desperately craved his father’s love. Three months later, he reneged on those promises, and here we are today, once again cleaning up after an angry ex who can’t get over it (he wanted the divorce) and continually allowing himself to hurt his children.
For some of us, the negative repercussions of divorce are a never-ending story. I can count on him to pop up and drop a bomb on us, and I’ve learned to count on myself to keep a tight grip on the negative emotions it causes us and how we respond to the problems he causes.
I often tell people to monitor their responses to emotions during the divorce process and after. Being able to respond rationally to negative behavior from an angry ex helps keep down the cost of your divorce, will make the process less conflicted, and will be invaluable in your being able to move on and rebuild after the divorce is final.
What happens when your ex isn’t able to monitor their responses and react in a rational manner, though? If he insists on remaining angry, the best thing you can do is keep your cool, for your sake and the sake of your children.
You can also arm yourself with knowledge of what might come your way. Doing this will help keep your expectations low, which in turn, will help you respond to an irrational, angry ex in a way that does not do more harm.
Below are some common tactics used by an angry ex-husband or wife during the divorce process and after.
1. Accusations of Abuse of You or Your Children:
Getting a restraining order against a husband is a practice some women use against men in order to gain sole legal custody or have the husband removed from the marital home. Guard against this happening by refusing to engage in any form of conflict in person, via email or over the phone.
And, if you do become a victim of false allegations of domestic abuse, do not respond to the allegations in a manner that will make the situation worse.
And this is not a tactic used by women alone. An angry ex-husband is just as likely to make false accusations of abuse against the mother of his children. The difference between the motivation when it comes to men is, normally, to frighten a mother and manipulate her into doing something he wants. Don’t fall for the manipulation!
2. Limiting Access to Marital Assets:
If you are a stay-at-home mother who is dependent on the salary of her husband, he can use his ability to limit your access to money as a form of punishment during the divorce process.
To keep this from happening, make sure that your name is on all marital assets before filing for a divorce. This includes all bank accounts, credit card accounts that you don’t close, and retirement fund accounts that you expect to draw from.
In some cases, cases where you believe your spouse will empty bank accounts, you will want to open an account in your name only and transfer funds you need to live on into your new account before having your spouse served with divorce papers.
3. Use of The Discovery Process to Delay The Divorce Process:
During the discovery process, your divorce attorney will request documents from your spouse related to income and assets. A spouse can stall the process by refusing to respond to such requests. Or, he may send a barrage of requests to you via his attorney, attempting to bog you down in paperwork.
To protect yourself from a spouse who will use the courts to abuse you, hire an attorney who will not hesitate to use the Family Court System to force a response when he uses such tactics.
4. Refusal to Follow Through on Verbal Agreements:
Most going through the divorce process work at making sure it is not riddled with conflict. In doing so they can make the mistake of believing that their spouse will stand by any verbal agreements made between the two. I always suggest there be a legal document drawn up and signed by both spouses and their attorneys, just to cover yourself.
Such a document can be used in court to prove a spouse’s intent to take part in a verbal agreement. If push comes to shove, you will have evidence that can be used as proof that your ex intended for a particular action to take place.
5. Ask For 50/50 Custody:
This will anger some men, BUT there are situations where a father will request either full or 50/50 custody to scare a wife into settling for less during divorce settlement negotiations.
A wife may be willing to take less than she is entitled to if it means retaining full custody of her children. Your best bet is to offer 50/50 custody from the beginning. This takes away any leverage a husband can use, and it is in the best interest of the children to spend equal time with two parents who love them.
It will also scare him off if full or equal custody isn’t what he is interested in. If it’s manipulation by threatening custody, if you come out of the gate offering him 50/50, you’ll take away his ability to use custody threats against you.
6. Spying to Dig Up Dirt:
My ex had a keystroke program installed on my computer and bugged my home phone during our separation. He thought he would gain the information he could use in divorce court against me. He didn’t succeed, but don’t be surprised if your angry ex attempts to do the same in your situation. Don’t do or say anything online or via the phone that will give him ammunition to use in court.
7. Attempting to Control Your Personal Life:
For some reason, some ex-husbands don’t feel that what is good for them is good for their ex. They will do everything in their power to know your every move, who you are dating, where you are going on vacation…every step you make.
The fact that you two are divorced, torn asunder, means nothing. Just because you were once married to them, they feel the right of ownership. They will remarry but throw a fit if you plan to remarry. They may have a strange woman stay overnight when the kids are in their custody but if you even have a man over for dinner, watch out! These guys who are control freaks have failed to fully understand what “divorce” means.
Set your boundaries, shut them down when they attempt to control and refuse to communicate with them about your personal life.
8. Using Their Children as Pawns to Hurt You:
The angry ex who uses his children to get back at the mother of his children is the worst, absolute worst. This guy will stomp on his children’s hearts if it means causing you the least bit of inconvenience. And, there isn’t much you can do except be there to help your children deal with their pain.
9. Lack of Interest in Seeing Their Children:
He may fight like hell during the divorce process for equal custody but, when it’s all said and done, the paperwork is signed and the divorce is final, he rarely sees his children. He makes big promises and always breaks them. His relationship with his children will depend on whether or not he is in a relationship at the moment.
This kind of man is ALWAYS going to put his girlfriend or new wife first. He and his feelings are of uppermost concern to him, and if he has to make a choice between being stroked by a new woman or putting himself out for his children, he is going to choose the stroking every time.
Giving in to your own anger and getting down and dirty yourself gets you nowhere and leaves a stain on your character that you will live with permanently. You can’t fix an angry ex, you can’t rationalize with an irrational person. All you can do is keep yourself emotionally stable enough to focus on your life and your children regardless of what your angry ex does.
Take the high road, and don’t do anything you will one day look back on with shame just because he is being an asshole doesn’t mean you have to also.
The post 9 Things To Expect From An Angry Ex During And After Divorce appeared first on Divorced Moms.
What determines the amount of spousal support in Texas?
During or after a divorce, the court may order either spouse to provide financial support to the other. The periodic payment is known as spousal support, meant for their maintenance. Notably, spousal support is separate from child support or property division.
No spouse has a right to such support. They must demonstrate that they have made an effort in good faith to earn an income or acquire the necessary training or education towards becoming financially independent. Should the requesting spouse still need support, the court will order it after evaluating their needs, guided by the law.
Factors considered when calculating alimony
Usually, the court has broad discretion in determining the amount and duration of spousal support. Some of the factors considered under Texas laws include:
- The length of the marriage
- The spouse’s ability to pay spousal support
- The education and employment skills of each spouse
- Each spouse’s monetary and non-monetary contributions to the marriage
- Whether there was marital misconduct in the marriage, such as adultery or domestic abuse
- The spouse’s contribution towards the education, career or earning power of the other
- The age, physical and mental condition of the requesting parent, among others
All these will be used in determining the amount of spousal support the paying spouse is obligated to make to the other. In Texas, the amount cannot be more than $5,000 a month or exceed 20% of the paying spouse’s average monthly gross income. The lesser of the two is what the court will usually order in spousal support.
Spousal support orders are enforceable and modifiable
If the court orders spousal support, the paying spouse has to obey the court’s directives. Otherwise, the court can employ several enforcement tools to compel them to pay. In addition, it is possible to modify the amount of spousal support if there have been substantial changes in either spouse’s life.
If you are getting a divorce, it is necessary to understand how spousal support works and what you need to do to safeguard your financial interests. It could help you adjust to life post-divorce, given the financial implications of legally splitting from your spouse.
Leaving A Narcissist Partner – A True Story Of Devastation, Discovery and Finally Freedom
The Realisation
There were three things that happened that made me finally sum up the courage to be able to walk out of my own home on the day I left my narcissist partner. It’s not that I hadn’t felt those emotions before, it is just that they were so much stronger than before.
First, I had woken up twice that week realising that it had been a quiet couple of days and all seemed too quiet. Not only was I worrying about what might happen next and trying to think of how to avoid it, but I found myself missing the ‘adrenaline’ of conflict. That was horrifying.
Then it was a conversation – snatched when I took our dog out for a quick walk – with my daughter who said: “I know you had told us that xxx is struggling with their mental health and that all will be ok in the end, and we try to understand. But I really miss you so much. I’m frightened for you.”
And then when I found myself sitting on the grass in the middle of a field crying my eyes out, not knowing how I got there, not knowing who I was and ashamed of the ‘thing’ that was sitting there sobbing. Then I knew that, after all the years of lying awake at night wondering what to do, how to change this situation, what the risks were of being ‘tough’ and saying ‘get out’ or of me leaving the ‘home for life’ that I had bought before this relationship, there was nothing that could be as bad as staying in this incredibly toxic, destructive and body, mind and soul-destroying marriage with a narcissist.
Devastation
So I rang my dearest friends (again) who said “Come now, just drive here or we will pick you up. Don’t go back to the house.” Quite rightly they insisted we told the police I had left and why, detailing some of the recent emotional and financial abuse that I had been suffering to ensure they had a record; but also because we were in lockdown. Yes, lockdown may have made things worse but it was not the cause of the final decision I made.
I lived with my friends for three months and I was like a zombie, totally overwrought, exhausted, emotional and frightened. Frightened of myself as well as what the person I’d left might do and what might happen. My grown-up children were amazing – tried so hard to be non-judgemental and not to show how much they had hated what they saw going on, but quite clear that it was right to leave.
I had to stop working as we had worked together; everyone was shocked – but it was clear they saw more than I appreciated. I fretted about ‘losing’ my step children, which I realised was inevitable but I felt I could not explain to them fully without hurting them too much and could not put them in that impossible position torn between us; their parent would expect their loyalty. As adults, my view is that they need to work it out for themselves and one day, I very much hope, to understand and re-establish contact with me. I’ve tried to show them I still love them just the same.
Hoovering
Classic behaviour by my ex followed my departure: desperate pleas to get me to go back, promises of change and counselling being received so they finally understood what they’d been doing wrong; appealing to my friends and family; saying how hard it would be for me to be alone, offering everything they could but also subtly (and sometimes not-so-subtly) pressurising. I had friends listen in. I recorded conversations. I got a solicitor. I spent hours – days (and nights sometimes) – writing stuff down, looking at figures, considering options, constantly trying to predict what they would do, wondering what my future would look like.
By this stage though, I was not going to be persuaded to go back. I knew the truth. I knew they could never change, whatever they promised. I knew the patterns of behaviour. I had learned so much more about narcissism by then that I realised that their excuse of being ‘mentally ill’ (PTSD, Attachment Disorder diagnoses) was not the primary reason they behaved as they did. They had always wanted to control, wanted the fights, wanted the power; they even admitted to being addicted to the adrenaline of volatile relationships.
I accept that their behaviour was made worse by their troubled upbringing, but fundamentally the traits were always there. That was clear from very early on in our relationship, looking back and also remembering what others said in their family. Yes, there was apparently awful abuse in their younger years, but I should have seen the signs when they spoke about how they turned that around and ‘used’ the perpetrators by learning how to control them. Or how they enjoyed certain aspects of relationships – past and present – in an abnormally intense way.
How did it take me so long to leave? How did I reach that breaking point? And how might someone reading this realise earlier and be brave enough to make what has to be the hardest decision for the partner of a narcissist, realising the likely consequences?
Discovery
The lessons it took me years to learn were many. I could never prove to them that my love was secure and sufficient so that they did not need to control me in order to feel safe; and I could never succeed in ‘changing them’ or helping them to find ways to change. I’d tried, believe me I’d tried – to get them to see that life could be good together and that trust – the one thing they claimed they sought from/with me, was something they had from me already – until they started to destroy me and everything around me.
I knew they had to want to change. But all I heard them saying was that they did not want to – would not; it was me who had to change to understand them and show them that they were the most important thing in my life.
Over that last year or so, ever since once of the biggest emotional challenges in my life, the loss of a beloved close relative and the subsequent increasingly horrendous behaviour of my partner, the difference was that I was starting to say ‘no’. Or I would say that I understood if they felt a certain way, but that I did not agree; or I would not support a decision that they were making related to our joint business; or that one day I would be doing something that they tried to ‘ban’ – like attending my daughter’s wedding or ‘being a grandparent’ should the time come – whatever they said or did to frighten or stop me. I had started to ‘rebel’.
Once they recognised some clearer signs that I saw through their behaviour and I also stopped reacting to the threats of suicide or illness, and that I expected our relationship to change – however much help we both needed to achieve it and however many battles we had to get through – they started to see a bit of strength coming through in me. 
The Smear Campaign
Then they flipped to destruction. Total personal, family and professional (work skills) destruction. Before then, it had mostly been about them, how much they were suffering and had suffered, how badly they struggled with their PTSD and other issues; I should understand why they were like this and fit around them. Then we would be happy.
The existing behaviours grew stronger, but with the added impact of far more personal, emotional abuse. Constant undermining, criticism, belittling of me and my (dead) parents, my adult children and my friends. Constant pressure to do or not do things related to our finances. Constant ways of manipulating me into situations that made me feel bad, wrong or a failure.
Even more than before, they stopped me seeing my friends, my family, doing the things I loved, often blaming their ‘trauma’ and because I needed to understand that if I truly loved them, I did not need my past, or my friends, or even my family, as they should be enough. I should let go of the past. And the physical symptoms of their ‘illness’ came through increasingly – so I became a carer when all is said and done. Then they had me. The control was so powerful – I was drawn into that fear that they needed me as otherwise they were a danger to themselves, so I had to be there for them all the time. I was committed to caring for them because I had loved them. Once, long ago.
Now I was scared to leave them because of the likely consequences of constant threats of suicide and the impact on their young adult children who were always vulnerable in so many ways – even if neither they nor their parent realised it – as well as financial loss and risk to my very own home that they had gained rights to. I wasn’t sure I had the strength to do it.
Last Chance
Through it all, I put on that brave face to the outside world – most of the time. I kept working and delivering good results. I tried to support my children. I certainly supported theirs – I wanted to. I paid for lots of things. I looked after our home. I told those that knew more, that I still hoped that the counselling that my partner had started to get would help and we’d be ok. I think I knew I was pretending; I just didn’t know how to stop the snowball rolling.
Ultimately, I knew I was losing myself and feeling such shame in how weak I was to allow it, but also so frightened of the consequences of standing up for myself. They were shouting, hitting walls or throwing things more often. And I would dissolve into a crying, shaking mess of frustration and exhaustion from never, ever being able to get them to understand what they were doing to me, to our relationship, to our respective children from previous marriages, to our future. Even spelling out that I was not able to live like this and could take no more. All ignored.
They thought they had broken me sufficiently that I had no choice and nowhere to go.
So the circle was created and as a person who wants to give, to care and to help others, I was an easy target. If any of this rings true to you, please give yourself some compassion and understanding. Trying not to blame myself for the mess I got into – or for the consequences of leaving – is still the most difficult thing I am trying to come to terms with.
Eventually I felt strong enough to leave my friends’ home; I really believe it is important to have people around you at this time of crisis and they were incredible. I rented a flat nearby, as I had offered for my ex and their son to stay in the home that I bought outright but handed half over to them when we married. They had demanded I do so ‘to show my love and commitment’ so they ‘felt safe’. I got legal guidance and advice from people who understood narcissistic relationships. They all said ‘go the legal route’ as they understood I could not face being in a room with my ex, or even on the phone with them any more; and that the word or ‘commitment’ of a narcissist in such situations was unlikely to be trustworthy. our respective children from previous marriages
On the occasions I went to go to my home to collect belongings, I could just about cope with the verbal abuse and emotional blackmail while there, but as I walked away my thumping heart beat even faster, I became tearful, I started shaking. Even if I just heard the voice, or saw a photo.
My brain went into overdrive wondering what they would do next, what was going to happen to my house, whether they would try to take as much from me as they could. Ultimately, I knew they would: they wanted to punish me financially, take what was important to me and be as awkward as they could in the process. The desire to ‘punish’ is very real: I learned once again never to trust their word but always to expect them to keep that control somehow and continue to hurt where they could.
Sleepless night after sleepless night; BUT it got better.
Yes, over the months it got better, because the relief of being away from the destructive words, the constant battles and emotional exhaustion enabled me to start being me again. To be able to work out right from wrong, to try to accept options and likely outcomes. And I got help that I didn’t know was out there, nor did I know just how badly traumatised I was. It was one of the policemen who spent time with me right back on the day I left, who was so clear. He’d seen and heard enough to say I was a victim of domestic abuse and I had every right to resort to criminal law. That shook me. But it definitely helped me truly realise it wasn’t just me. I’d struggled for so long thinking I was the cause, and forgiving behaviours due to ‘illness’. Even though my friends told me otherwise. It was the police and the solicitor who could give that professional, independent view.
Support
The police helped me to set up some counselling through local resources which did help but I was incredibly fortunate when an acquaintance locally was brave enough to contact me – she had seen me out walking a couple of times in a terrible state – and said “I worked out what was going on and it happened to me. Talk to these people”. She put me in touch with The Nurturing Coach. The sessions I’ve had with Janine and guidance to understand both myself (vital) and the nature of the Narcissist, have been critical to my ongoing recovery. Sometimes it’s empowering just to ramble on about the past, the emotions, the frustrations, with someone who understands and is rational, unbiased and trained to assist but also gives ‘sane and sensible’ explanations and suggestions of things that help.
Even subconsciously, these techniques and ‘reminders’ help me every day. And always will.
But my ex had rights, whatever they had done to me and my experience with the law was that it is totally facts and figures-based and little credit is given to behaviours or to either party’s actual input to a relationship. Emotional abuse is still a highly complex and almost impossible thing to prove and likely to be too big a challenge for someone who has suffered it badly. So, you accept what is the law but try to get a solution as quickly as possible.
Once they know they are not going to get you back, all the promises, all the declarations are gone out of the window; they will want every pound of flesh they can get. They are clever. They will use every trick they have to control even the legal system as best they can or just be slow in responses; and to keep you wondering and waiting. They will say very little to others because of course they will only want people to know that ‘they have been badly treated and are only asking for what they are entitled to’. But I think that most people see through it in the end.
Get help. Tell people what is happening. Understand your options. Yes, get legal advice, but if possible, try to avoid getting into the full legal process and opt for mediation as it is SO much cheaper, less painful and less long drawn out. You can now find appropriate support/procedures to go through this route in a different way to ‘the norm’ to manage the challenges of dealing with the person you cannot bear to be near. If this really doesn’t work, then you can turn to the law. It is hard and expensive but does bring conclusion.
So: what are the magic words that help me through? Even now, over a year after leaving, every day I need to remind myself and try to overcome the negative and sad thoughts: integrity, trust, kindness, truth and love. I can hold up my head and say I have always tried to act with those words and beliefs in mind. But yes, I feel angry; yes, I often feel incredibly resentful that they can do this to someone, that they can destroy a person they claim to love and take so much from them in terms of not only money but self-belief.
Freedom
If I had understood just how appalling and severe narcissism can be, I would have said ‘no’ before I got ‘buried’ by my ex’s behaviours. But hindsight is certainly a wonderful thing. If you are a person who has similar traits to me, then I have learned to accept that this is not a bad thing. I am loving and trusting – but I was not prepared with the knowledge to recognise my own character strengths and weaknesses, nor to understand the extreme character traits that make up the severe narcissist. I’m not a ‘youngster’; I reckoned I was fairly ‘worldly wise’, reasonably intelligent and had a strength of character and strong beliefs. But I was taken in. Never underestimate a narcissist.
The strength to act can be found – at some point in the rollercoaster life of being with a narcissist – but sadly it may take personal crisis to find it. It is better to cope with whatever else comes along than live a lie, live a life that is controlled and downtrodden. But I accept that I had a part to play in that. If I had not been vulnerable to such a character due to both my circumstances at the time, but also my nature as a person, I would have finished this relationship before it grew into a marriage. I was ‘caught in the net’ and I realised too late how much I was being manipulated from day one.
So yes – read, listen, research – but also know who you are. It’s important to acknowledge what is right for you. Know the character traits of different personalities in our complex world of human natures; be prepared. But do, please, keep believing that a loving relationship can exist and that life does go on. I’ve had years of anguish and I’ve handed over a lot of money to someone who had already taken so much in one way or another, in order to get my home and independence back, but I am far stronger and I am now surrounded by the people I love, doing the things I want and am starting to live my life again.
Above all I believe that if I can find the courage, so can you. I know my story does not involve young children, and that factor makes a massive difference to choices and timing and how you can get out, but I hope my words can help you believe it is possible.
Now I have Family, Friends and FREEDOM – they can never take these away and so I won; I won the very things they never wanted me to have.
This post was written by one of our brave and cherished clients. She hopes it will help someone get through their experience of a narcissist partner.
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