alienating you from your child: mother and daughter with backs turned to each other

5 Must-Dos if Your Ex is Alienating You From Your Children

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alienating you from your child: mother and daughter with backs turned to each other

 

I have a dirty little secret I kept to myself for many years…my son has rejected me and refuses to have anything to do with me.

Like millions of other parents across North America, I found myself embroiled in a very contentious custody battle. I was forced to fight tenaciously to remain a part of my son’s life, endlessly being pushed through the revolving door to the courtroom.

I was accused of things I had not done, painted as an incompetent mother, and covertly berated to my son. I was relieved when my ex-husband moved out of province and my son moved in with me full-time because I thought everything would be smooth sailing moving forward.

Within a year and a half, the last nail had been added to the coffin and I found myself financially depleted, feeling completely isolated, and without a relationship with my only son who went to his father’s for Christmas break and never came home.

Alienating You From Your Children

Parental alienation has many faces, but the outcome is always the same…a child is influenced by an emotionally unhealthy parent (or other caregivers) to reject a fit and available parent. To the alienated parent, this rejection can sometimes occur literally overnight (as it did with me), or they experience a gradual degradation in the relationship they have with their child until that child finally “decides” they don’t want to see their parent anymore.

Some common indicators (observed at various phases of alienation) suggesting that you are being alienated include:

  • Your child tells you that they do not want you to attend their extracurricular activities.
  • Your child refuses to honor your parenting time and they insist it is their decision.
  • The alienating parent insists that they can’t force your child to go to your home.
  • Your child views the alienating parent as having only good qualities and you as only having bad qualities.
  • Your child’s reasons for the rejection seem frivolous and they cannot provide a detailed account of why they are rejecting you.
  • Your child may talk like a music track on auto-repeat, parroting the same words over and over, typically to figures of authority, such as mental health professionals.
  • Your child uses age-inappropriate language.
  • Your child calls the alienating parent to “rescue” them while with you.
  • The alienating parent texts and emails the child intrusively while the child is with you.
  • Your child experiences frequent stomach pains.
  • Your child refuses to eat any food cooked or touched by you.
  • Your child rejects any form of affection from you.

So, what is a parent to do to counter the negative influence the alienating parent has on their children?  The following are five must-dos when facing parental alienation:

  • Educate yourself.
  • Minimize conflict and approach your child with empathy.
  • Become proactive.
  • Demonstrate patterns of behavior.
  • Involve a qualified mental health professional.

Educate Yourself About Parental Alienation

As a co-parenting and reunification coach, I talk to many parents. I talk to parents who are beginning to suspect they are being alienated, parents whose children have just cut-off from them emotionally, parents who have not had a relationship with their children for years, and even parents who are being wrongfully accused of alienating their children. In almost every single case, the parent does not fully understand the dynamics of parental alienation.

Knowing how the alienating parent thinks is paramount in successfully countering them at every turn. Understanding your child’s perspective will change the way you perceive your child’s behavior and the way you react to it. What many alienated parents do not know is that they sometimes engage in behaviors that unwittingly reinforce the alienation. Gaining a deep understanding of parental alienation will help you to avoid some common pitfalls.

Reduce Conflict and Approach Your Child with Empathy

Alienating parents thrive in chaos and conflict. In fact, they go out of their way to ensure that the child associates conflict with the alienated parent. Unfortunately, you cannot control anyone but yourself. Therefore, the role of conflict resolution master falls on you.

Many things happen when you are able to successfully achieve this. You feel more in control, your stress level goes down, you are giving the alienating parent less ammunition to work with, and you look like a rock-star in court and to any other professionals involved.

Reducing conflict when it comes to communicating with your ex is one thing. It is equally important to carry this over to your parenting practices. This often means ignoring poor behavior rather than acting like a disciplinarian, and responding to your child with empathy rather than anger and frustration (which becomes much easier after educating yourself on your child’s perspective).

Normal parenting practices often do not work with alienated children, and I strongly recommend you find the help of a seasoned coach to help you if you are struggling to parent your child.

Become Proactive

As an alienated parent, it is common to feel off-balance and put on the defense, and forever reacting to the chaos. Being reactionary is your worst enemy when being alienated from your child. It leaves you feeling completely out of control, and often makes you appear unstable to untrained therapist eyes who may be involved. I get it! I went through it all myself and was desperate for anyone to believe me and step in to protect my son.

All the while, my ex remained cool, calm, collected, and overall appeared to be more grounded and capable.

If you’ve been going through this for some time, I’m sure you are pretty good at predicting your ex’s next move. Now is the time to preemptively act on every prediction you make. If you are being falsely accused of drug use, invest in drug testing so that you have proof that these allegations are false rather than waiting for a judge to order the testing.

Take parenting or conflict resolution classes. Prepare yourself mentally for the next parenting exchange and think about what you can do to deescalate any expected situation your ex may concoct.

Demonstrate Patterns of Behavior

Did you know that 95% of Judges enter the courtroom without ever reading a word of the evidence submitted? This means that they are relying on your lawyer to paint a picture of what is happening within your family. This is what typically happens…your ex’s lawyers slings mud in your direction, including possible false accusations.

Then your lawyer slings mud back in the other direction. The Judge is then left frustrated wondering why “you parents” just can’t get along and thinks you’re both the problem.

Documenting the alienating parent’s behavior is key, but that is only one side of the equation. The next step is organizing ALL that information into a format that can be easily understood and that demonstrates long-term patterns of behaviors over the course of years.

Pathways Family Coaching offers a free webinar to help parents understand exactly how to achieve this. A link to register can be found at the end of this post.

Involve a Qualified Mental Health Professional

If your children are already starting to pull away, or are refusing to speak to you and have you blocked on all channels, the only recourse you may have is to seek “reunification therapy”. But there is something very important to understand…there are no developed protocols for “reunification therapy”, which means that any therapist can proclaim to offer this service regardless of the approach to therapy they take. This means that outcomes can wildly vary.

If you are seeking therapy to help your family, there are several important things to take into consideration. First, the therapist needs to be highly qualified. I always recommend a family systems approach to therapy with a therapist who has a background in attachment, trauma, and personality disorders. They also need to understand and be able to identify pathological enmeshment and the difference between alienation and estrangement (when a child rejects a parent for legitimate reasons).

If you are seeking a court order for therapy, it is important that ALL caregivers and the children be ordered to attend therapy. This includes step-parents, and most importantly, the alienating parent. After all, they are the source of the problem and if they are not required to meet with the therapist, it is much more difficult for the therapist to identify the root of the problem. I always recommend strict and thorough court orders that ensure the alienating parent complies with the therapeutic plan, and the therapist is empowered to make recommendations to the court if reunification is not successful after a period of time

Parental alienation is a very complicated family dynamic that is often missed by the courts and many therapists, is left uncontested by child protection agencies, destroys families, and leaves the children with long-term lasting effects of the emotional abuse they endured well into adulthood and sometimes for the rest of their lives.

CLICK HERE to register for Pathways Family Coaching’s free webinar on how to demonstrate patterns of behavior, or CLICK HERE to schedule a complimentary call with someone on our team.

FAQs About Things To Do When Your Ex Alienates Children:

Why does my child not want me to attend his school activities?

If your child doesn’t want you to attend his/her school or extracurricular activities, it’s quite possible that it’s a case of parental alienation. Parental alienation is common after divorce.

How can I tell If I am being alienated from my child?

You can tell that you are being alienated from your child, if your child refuses to honor your parenting time and insists it is their decision. You can also know you are being alienated when alienating parent texts and emails the child intrusively while the child is with you; your child refuses to eat any food cooked or touched by you and rejects any form of affection from you.

What to do if you are being alienated from your children?

If you are being alienated from your children, you must educate yourself on how to counter the alienating parent. You should also approach your children lovingly, minimize friction, take parenting conflict resolutions classes, and involve a qualified mental health professional.

What should I do if my children don’t talk to me anymore?

You should seek reunification therapy if your relationship with your children appears to be fractured beyond repair. 

Is there a difference between parental alienation and estrangement?

Parental alienation occurs when one parent poisons a child against the other and estrangement happens when a child rejects a parent for legitimate reasons.

Can I ask a court to order therapy to help against parental alienation?

You would have to provide the court with proof and ask it to order therapy to help against parental alienation. The court can order all the caregivers and the children to attend therapy.

Is parental alienation a complicated phenomenon?

Parental alienation is a complicated phenomenon, which often goes uncontested at courts, and has the potential of ruining a parent-child relationship. Children often carry the trauma caused by parental alienation into their adulthood. 


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4 Early Divorce Mistakes and Why You Should Avoid Them

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worried woman with hand on forehead

 

Marriage can be (and often is) a time of joy and love. Getting married usually means you have found “the person” you plan to spend the rest of your life with. However, it does not work out that way for everyone. According to the Daily Pioneer, 40 to 50% of marriages end in divorce.

This could be due to many different reasons, such as marrying at too young an age, episodes of infidelity or abuse, or simply falling out of love. Whatever the reason(s) a marriage fails, the decision to divorce is typically an emotionally difficult one, and jumping into the divorce process without being fully prepared for what is to come can lead to several critical and potentially costly mistakes which can be avoided with the right preparation.

This article addresses four early divorce mistakes

Mistake No. 1: Failing to confront indecision

Divorce is not generally a snap decision where you wake up one morning and decide to do it in an instant. For most people, the decision to divorce is a much more gradual process that begins with questions such as: Is this marriage working? Is there a way to make it better? Am I done? What would divorce be like? What would life after divorce be like? Is this what I want? This is what we call the period of indecision.

Yet many people hire a lawyer to file divorce papers without fully moving through the period of indecision, thinking they can start the process and continue mulling it over. However, filing divorce papers brings court-driven deadlines, pre-trial discovery requests from the opposing attorney, and mandatory court appearances, all of which your attorney will be required to respond to; and all of which will be costing money, lots of money, while the mulling over and indecision continues.

To be sure, filing for divorce is a commitment, not something to think over and second-guess once the wheels have been set in motion. Cases can be withdrawn of course, if both sides agree, but that’s after lots of unnecessary fees. The bottom line: Confront the period of indecision head-on. Get assistance from a professional such as a divorce counselor or other health professional if that will help. But believe that you will be best served by fully moving through the period of indecision before committing to the divorce process.

Mistake No. 2: Failing to get organized

There is significant value to getting organized before hitting the “start button” on the divorce process and failing to do so can be and usually is unnecessarily costly, both in terms of legal fees and in terms of the outcome. One of the most important and valuable things you can do for yourself is to prepare in advance.

That means not only getting emotionally ready but also getting your financial information and documents gathered and organized. When a couple gets married, state law provides certain rights and responsibilities–that’s the contract of marriage. When a couple gets divorced, the court system is set up to evaluate those rights and responsibilities as they relate to whatever assets are owned at the time of separation.

What did the couple accumulate during the marriage?  Are both spouses entitled to all of those assets or not? Will one spouse be obligated to support the other, and what will be fair? If there are children involved, what will the support obligation be, and for how long? If the financial picture is fuzzy, or if all assets are unknown or some are hidden, this process can become volatile, drawn out, and unnecessarily costly. Very costly.

It is also not uncommon for one spouse to be unaware of some or all the marital assets, as well as to have limited access to the information. This also translates into a drawn-out procedure to locate and value marital assets, all leading to unnecessary fees and costs.

The bottom line: Get organized in advance before starting any formal divorce process. Get help if you need it but having your financial house (documents and information) in order in advance generally saves many thousands of dollars in fees and usually translates to a better result in the end.

Mistake No. 3: Choosing the wrong divorce process

There are four main ways you can get a divorce starting with going to court. First, understand that going to trial to resolve disputed issues means handing all decisions over to a judge, rather than participating yourself in a mutually agreed resolution. Leaving it to a judge to decide what is best for your family is not something you want if you can avoid it. Judges are there to protect people when they need to be protected.

So, if there’s abuse in your marriage, whether it’s financial abuse, physical abuse, or emotional abuse, that can be an appropriate case to take to trial because the court can enter orders to protect you and your family.

However, if you’re arguing over accounts, vacation houses, and collectibles, then court is to be avoided if possible. A second way is for both spouses to hire attorneys or other professionals for themselves but to tell them you ultimately want to settle out of court. This way you let them do the heavy lifting, back and forth, and trading proposals, all while it’s settled out of court. The third way is mediation. This consists of you and your spouse and a neutral third party in a room (or virtually meeting with them). That person might be an attorney, they might be a mental health professional, or they might have a financial background, but their job is not to decide what’s going to happen. They’re helping the two of you reach a decision by providing information along the way and helping the couple reach a compromise.

Lastly, the fourth way is a “do it yourself process”. Some companies are now offering online divorces where they have the forms available, and you and your spouse can fill in what you want the court to do. This method is becoming more popular, which is understandable since the cost is a lot lower, the time frame can be much shorter and it’s empowering to do something on your own.

However, there’s a very narrow window for spouses to get an outcome that feels fair at the end of that process. Part of that is because divorce is very complex legally, financially, and emotionally. The idea that you could do it all on your own is probably not realistic for most people.

Mistake No. 4: Hiring the wrong help

Hiring the right help, whether it’s a therapist, a parenting expert, an attorney, a mediator, or whomever you decide is crucial to your divorce process. Having the right team to help to get you to the finish line can make the process much smoother. When you’re hiring an attorney, it’s not just where they went to school or how many years they’ve been in practice, or their fees that matter.

Consider: Are you comfortable talking to this person? Do you feel like they understand your goals? Are they really going to support your process in the best way possible? Or are you going to be locking horns with this person, fighting your own team the whole way?

Having a personality fit with your attorney is just as important, if not more important, than their credentials on paper. In conclusion, entering the divorce process can be a complex undertaking, filled with mixed emotions and high anxiety. Before pulling the trigger and starting the process, confront the period of indecision, get your financial ducks in a row by getting organized in advance, choose your professionals wisely, and pick the right process for your issues.

Avoiding these early mistakes will make your process easier, faster, and more cost-effective. Additionally, having a strong support system to be there with you every step of the way is important as you are not alone, and you will soon be able to start your new beginning.

The post 4 Early Divorce Mistakes and Why You Should Avoid Them appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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Divorce After 45: Recovering from Decades of Domestic Abuse

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fearful, upset woman

 

In a 2019 survey, 23 percent of participants cited domestic violence as a significant contributor to their divorce. The numbers prove that domestic abuse is one of the major causes of separation.

Recovering from Decades of Domstic Abuse

For those suffering from decades of abuse, life after divorce should teach them how to move forward, heal, and recover. Whether you are a divorced woman or a man fresh out of a long marriage, you can use this guide to help you get started on your journey to recovery.

Defining Domestic Abuse

Domestic abuse refers to a pattern of behavior in any relationship to gain power and control over a partner. It is also known as domestic violence or intimate partner violence (IPV).

This type of abuse includes any actions meant to intimidate, frighten, terrorize, hurt, or manipulate someone. Humiliating, blaming, injuring, or wounding a partner are also forms of domestic abuse.

It can happen to any person of any age, race, religion, sexual orientation, or gender. Abuse can also occur within a range of certain relationships, including married couples, older couples, people living together, or couples who are dating.

It can affect all sorts of people from all education levels and socioeconomic backgrounds. Domestic abuse survivors may also include a child and other members of the household.

Domestic violence incidents are rarely isolated. As time passes, the incidents usually escalate in severity and frequency. The abuse may lead to serious physical injury or even death.

Types of Domestic Violence

Remember that domestic violence is not limited to physical violence alone. Abuse involves any action to gain control and power over a family member or a partner.

In this section, let us take a closer look at the different types of domestic violence. Knowing the various forms of IPV will make it easier to spot the signs of abuse.

Physical abuse

IPV in the form of physical abuse can involve the following behavior:

  • Scratching, grabbing, biting, or spitting
  • Strangling
  • Burning
  • Throwing objects to intimidate or hurt you
  • Pushing or shoving
  • Slapping or punching
  • Breaking things or treasured possessions
  • Hurting your children or threatening to hurt them
  • Harming your pets or threatening to hurt them
  • Exhausting you by disrupting your sleep
  • Any threats or attempts to wound or kill you

Psychological or emotional abuse

This type of domestic abuse involves behavior your partner uses to control or damage your emotional well-being. The following actions are examples of this type of abuse:

  • Yelling or standing threateningly
  • Mocking, name-calling, or making humiliating gestures or remarks
  • Interrupting you while you speak
  • Not listening or responding when you ask questions
  • Manipulating your children
  • Dictating what you can and cannot do
  • Placing little value on what you think or say
  • Saying negative things about you, your friends, and your family
  • Belittling you publicly
  • Preventing you from seeing friends or relatives
  • Cheating
  • Being overly jealous
  • Blaming others for their abusive behavior
  • Monitoring your communications

Financial abuse

Economic or financial abuse happens when someone makes their partner financially dependent on them. The following behaviors are indicative of financial abuse:

  • Hiding family assets
  • Not letting you go to work or attend school
  • Sabotaging employment opportunities
  • Sabotaging educational opportunities
  • Denying access to or destroying a car so you cannot go to work or school
  • Refusing to provide financial support or child support
  • Denying access to bank accounts
  • Running up debt in your name

Signs of Domestic Abuse

In 2021, the number of divorced men and women in the age group of 45 to 49 reached approximately 3 million. The figure shows that it is never too late to leave a relationship, especially if you are stuck with an abusive partner. Do not be afraid to call up a divorce attorney, regardless of how many years you have been married.

To recover from domestic violence, you must first recognize the signs of abuse. These signs can be little things that you might miss if you are not actively looking for them. To know if you experience domestic violence, ask yourself this: Does your partner:

  • Belittle you yourself and your accomplishments?
  • Say you are nothing without them?
  • Blame you for how they act or feel?
  • Embarrass you in front of other people?
  • Intimidate you to gain compliance?
  • Make you feel inadequate?
  • Tell you that you cannot make your own decisions?
  • Physically hurt you?
  • Use substance abuse as an excuse for hurting you?
  • Call or show up unannounced to ensure you are where you said you would be?
  • Pressure you sexually?
  • Try to stop you from leaving after a fight?
  • Leave you stranded somewhere after a fight?
  • Stop you from doing things you want to do?

Another way to know is to ask yourself if you do or feel the following:

  • That you can help your partner change only if you change yourself
  • Scared of how your partner may react
  • Make excuses and apologize to other people for your partner’s actions
  • Prevent anything that would make your partner angry
  • Never do what you want since you are always doing what your partner wants
  • Stay with your partner because you are scared of what your spouse would do if you left

How To Recover From Domestic Abuse

On average, 24 people per minute experience stalking, physical violence, or rape by an intimate partner in the US. This means 12 million people experience domestic abuse over the course of one year.

These statistics underscore the importance of resources that can help survivors recover from their trauma. In this section, you will discover crucial tips and reminders that can help you start your recovery after decades of abuse.

Recognize the effects of trauma

The first step of recovery is to acknowledge that you need help. If you recognize the effects of trauma on yourself or your loved ones, you must seek professional help. The effects of trauma include:

  • Panic attacks
  • Feelings of self-hate
  • Substance use
  • Low self-esteem
  • Anxiety
  • Difficulty in sleeping
  • Eating disorders
  • Flashbacks of physical or sexual abuse
  • Suicidal thoughts
  • Fear of relationships and people

Learn to trust

Emotional abuse can lead younger survivors to fall into similar behavior patterns as they reach middle age. One common reaction to trauma is to distrust others.

After divorce, survivors might be scared of making new friends, meeting new partners, and forming new relationships. They might be afraid of intimacy.

However, there are still plenty of good people out there. To heal, survivors of domestic violence need to begin to let people into their new life.

Understand why recovery is important

Some people might not understand why it is crucial to make an effort to get better. However, they must understand why recovery is important for their recovery to be successful. Otherwise, the process can be more difficult.

It is crucial to know that healing is the key to overcoming traumatic experiences. Yes, healing is different for everyone, but for any individual, it requires the intention to recover and release past traumas. This intention can encourage the following scenarios:

  • Domestic violence and divorce recovery allow survivors to develop closer relationships with others. This way, you do not have to spend more time thinking about your abuser. It is crucial to let your friends and family support you as you start the healing process.
  • It will enable survivors to focus on themselves and not on their negative feelings. While healing, survivors can take their focus away from the negativity and do what helps them.
  • It allows survivors to relieve their pain by finding new avenues to cope. You can take up a new hobby or return to your once-abandoned hobbies.
  • It also helps survivors experience their feelings again after releasing all the emotions from past mental health trauma.

Ask for help

Asking for help is a crucial form of self-compassion. Those hurting should not be ashamed to ask for help. However, this could be easier said than done for survivors of domestic violence.

Survivors have a natural tendency to downplay the negative effects of abuse, especially if the abuse is not physical. Survivors often think if they’re not feeling extreme physician pain, they will handle things on their own.

If you want to move on from an abusive relationship, there is no shame in seeking help.

Learn How To Live Happier After a Divorce

Decades of marriage should not keep you from filing for a divorce if you are in an abusive relationship. Call a divorce lawyer so you can get started on your journey to recovery. You can also get divorced without hiring an attorney in some states like Texas.

To heal from abuse, do not be afraid to ask for help and form new relationships. Keep your ex-spouse out of your mind and live a better life post-divorce.

The post Divorce After 45: Recovering from Decades of Domestic Abuse appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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Richard Gardner, Father of “Parental Alienation,” in His Own Words

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* Works cited are listed at the end of the article. The perverted, unscientific, contrary-to-medical-fact positions taken by Richard Gardner MD and marketed to an amoral legal and judicial system have become the driving forces undermining the prosecution of sexual, physical, and emotional abuse of children through the US court system. Gardner’s functionally psychotic theories […]

The post Richard Gardner, Father of “Parental Alienation,” in His Own Words first appeared on Foundation for Child Victims of the Family Courts.

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Divorcing a Narcissist: Keep Your Expectations Low!

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As long as you are in any type of relationship with a narcissist, you can bet the only person who will benefit from that relationship is the narcissist.

 

I’ve been accused, in the past, of being “disloyal” to my ex-husband when I write about my experiences with him either during the marriage or since the divorce. What some fail to realize is that when you experience divorcing a narcissist, feelings of support and allegiance toward that person are hard to come by, if not impossible.

Any loyalty I owed my ex flew out the window the day he walked away from his family. I have no sense of loyalty toward a person who left me in a truly untenable position with two children to care for and no concern for how his conduct impacted his children or me, their mother. Plus, why would anyone who takes a scorched-earth attitude toward those who loved him think he has the right to claim the protection of confidentiality?

I have to admit, though that it took time for me to realize that I owed my ex-husband NOTHING and that I had more power in our situation than he did.

I spent a couple of years capitulating, attempting to negotiate and fix the problems between us, believing that if I gave respect, I would eventually receive respect. I did what a lot of women who are dealing with the aftermath of divorcing a narcissist. I rolled over and over and over, playing nice doggy, hoping that one day he would rub my belly, begin to co-parent civilly, and we could put all the conflict behind us. You know, for the sake of our children.

What Does Rolling Over Get You?

You get nothing from all the effort you put into being civil with the narcissist. As long as you are in any type of relationship with a narcissist, you can bet the only person who will benefit from that relationship is the narcissist.

A narcissist has an inflated sense of his own importance. In his mind, you are supposed to roll over and often. You rolling over or giving in only cements his belief that he is all important and his needs must be catered to. And his belief that you are to cater to him only gets you more of the same emotional abuse you suffered in the marriage.

You roll over expecting a positive return on your emotional investment in your post-divorce relationship with the narcissist. A sensible expectation to have! He has his own expectations…you do as he feels you should do. Take it from me; his expectations will be met before yours if you continue to roll over.

Things You Should Not Expect When Divorcing a Narcissist:

1. Civil discourse.

He doesn’t have it in him, let go of expecting him to converse with you as if you are an equal. To feel good about himself, he has to treat you as if you are beneath him. Don’t buy into it!

Behind his mask of superiority lies a fragile self-esteem, vulnerable to the slightest criticism. He knows it, you know it but humbling himself and admitting it would be tantamount to emotional destruction for him. Take it from me; he will attempt to destroy you emotionally to keep from having to face his own emotional frailties.

He can’t feel good about himself unless he actively tries to make you feel bad about yourself. Every email you receive, every conversation you have will be him focusing on putting you down. Your best defense against his degradation is a “whatever” attitude. If he is nasty in an email, don’t respond. If he is disrespectful face to face, shrug your shoulders and walk away.

2. Healthy Co-Parenting.

This isn’t going to happen. The narcissist can’t separate his relationship with his children from his relationship with you. In his mind, you and the children are one package. And he has no qualms about using his children to further destroy you emotionally and financially.

The narcissist views his children as objects to be used to further his own agenda. This makes it impossible for him to engage in healthy co-parenting. He is a fine father if those objects (his children) fit into his agenda or reflect positively upon him. When those objects no longer fit into his agenda…when he moves onto another relationship, remarries, and needs to focus on his step-children or suffers the wrath of his own children after mistreatment, WATCH OUT. This is when your children will begin to feel the full force of his narcissistic abuse.

This is also when you have to put your guard up. It will be your place to guard your children’s hearts against the damage a narcissistic father can do. You are the healthy parent, the parent who will teach them what unconditional love is. The parent who will teach them their value by role modeling how to respond to those who do them emotional harm. The parent who will keep them from becoming adults with fragile self-esteem and emotional vulnerabilities. You are your children’s only defense against the narcissist. On Guard!

3. Concern for Your Well-Being.

Once you stop feeding the narcissist’s ego, your needs and the needs of his children become inconsequential to him. I’ve been divorced from my ex-husband for 14 years. Our sons were 7 and 14 when we divorced. Their father has not once shown concern for whether or not they have what they need since we divorced. No phone calls or emails asking, “Can I do anything for you, son,” or, “I’m here for you if you need me, son.”

I had custody of our children, due to this, in his mind, they were an extension of me, the woman he wanted to be destroyed. They became collateral damage in the war he waged against me.

Our youngest is now 21 and experiencing health problems. The other day I called my ex and left him a message…”Alan needs you, can you call?” I got no response. I expected no response, but the opportunity came up for him to do something for his child and the choice of whether to take that opportunity was his to make. He did as I expected, but by reaching out, I took away any ability he had to blame his children or me for the distance between him and his children.

My ex-husband’s refusal to respond when his child was in need is an example of the total lack of empathy that is characteristic in narcissistic personality disorder. I’m sure that if you asked, my ex-husband would tell you he has, over the years, attempted to have a relationship with his children.

My children would tell you that the total of ten years of no contact from him does not feel like an attempt by him to have a relationship with them. The narcissist doesn’t care about how someone else perceives a situation. Their perception of the situation is the only perception that is valid. They don’t care about the thoughts and feelings of others and are unable to listen to, validate, understand or support others.

My ex-husband and all narcissists are not capable of stepping outside themselves and seeing a situation from the other person’s perspective. The world revolves around them and their feelings, and due to that, others aren’t allowed to feel, unless of course, they are expressing concern for the narcissist’s feelings.

The narcissist, my ex-husband, for example, can’t view ten years of no contact with a child as abandonment or abuse because those ten years are not about his children, they are about him. And I’m certain that a narcissist would find it highly offensive that a child would not express concern for the narcissist rather than expect a show of concern from the narcissist.

Outfoxing the Narcissist:

You will never be as cunning as the narcissist. You can’t outfox him. You may be crafty, clever, and shrewd, but you also have the ability to empathize with others, and it is that pesky aspect of your personality that will keep you from ever being able to outsmart the narcissist if you engage in conflict with him.

The only way to get one over on the narcissist during divorce is to disengage, distance yourself, and don’t feed the tiger. As I said before, have no expectations of the narcissist. But the big one, the one I struggled with myself, was the need to do something, to find a solution, to fix the problems between him and me for the sake of our children.

Few things are as emotionally painful or produce as much fear and anxiety as being in a high-conflict relationship with a narcissist. It is the emotional pain, fear, and anxiety that spurs you into action, attempting to fix the situation. After all, how are you ever going to have peace of mind and heart again if the situation isn’t fixed?

No matter how much you try to fix him, outsmart him, or stay one step ahead of him, the narcissist will always trump, one-up, escalate and create more damage in response. To stop the continued emotional damage to yourself and your children, you have to exit the stage, step out of the ring and take back your power by letting go of your need to fix the problem.

When you do that, you show the narcissist who is in control of YOUR life. You show the narcissist that no one has power over how you live your life, and the narcissist is completely out of his league when faced with true power…especially YOUR power over his ability to cause you pain, fear, and anxiety.

FAQs About Divorcing A Narcissist:

Should I give in to a narcissist to save my marriage?

You will only end up reinforcing his beliefs that he is superior to you and his needs come first if you give in to a narcissist in an attempt to save your marriage. A narcissist will never stop emotionally abusing you no matter how submissive you become.

Can I have a decent conversation with a narcissist?

You can never have a decent conversation with a narcissist because he doesn’t treat you as an equal partner. He will keep on debasing you and make you feel insufficient so he can manipulate you to satisfy his narcissistic needs.

Do narcissists believe they are superior to those around them?

The very existence of a narcissist rests upon his need to feel superior to others. He cannot take slightest of criticism because it hurts his fragile self-esteem—masked under his false sense of superiority. He will gaslight you, manipulate you emotionally just to keep himself from facing his own emotional frailties.

How to deal with a narcissist when he is disrespectful?

Walk away without falling for an argument when a narcissist shows disrespect. Narcissists show disrespect deliberately to draw you in an argument you can’t win. They feed on your frustration and will not leave any stone unturned to make you feel miserable. Don’t respond to his nasty remarks either in writing or face to face.

Do narcissistic men use their children against their spouses? 

Narcissists are known to use children as pawns against their spouses. They consider you and your children as one package and will not spare any opportunity to draw them in a conflict to harm you emotionally or financially. 

Are narcissists healthy co-parents? 

Narcissists can never become healthy co-parents because of their need to feel superior and manipulate everyone around them. A narcissist is a father as long as he can use children to his own advantage—either to feel good or make you feel bad.

Should I take steps to protect my children from their narcissistic father?

You have to protect your children from their narcissistic father, who will eventually damage their emotional health. You need to understand the challenge and teach your children the virtues of unconditional love, besides protecting them against developing a fragile self-esteem and emotional vulnerabilities.

When does a narcissist stop taking care of his family?

As soon as you stop feeding his narcissistic ego, a narcissist will stop caring for his family. A family is more like a business relationship for a narcissist, which ends when you put an end to manipulation. 

Do narcissists ever see a situation from others perspective?

Narcissists are not brought up to see the situation from others perspective. A narcissist will cease to exist if he cares for others because his only purpose in life is to manipulate those around him.

How do I outsmart a narcissist?

Don’t try to outsmart a narcissist because you did not grow up perfecting the art of manipulation. You are brought up as a normal human being and carry emotions like empathy and love. These aspects of your personality will put you at a disadvantage if you try to outsmart a narcissist.

How to deal with a narcissistic husband during divorce?

Keep your emotional health in check and remain consistent in maintaining a policy of disengagement and distance with your narcissistic husband during divorce. 

The post Divorcing a Narcissist: Keep Your Expectations Low! appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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Leaving A Narcissist Partner – A True Story Of Devastation, Discovery and Finally Freedom

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The Realisation

There were three things that happened that made me finally sum up the courage to be able to walk out of my own home on the day I left my narcissist partner.  It’s not that I hadn’t felt those emotions before, it is just that they were so much stronger than before.

First, I had woken up twice that week realising that it had been a quiet couple of days and all seemed too quiet.  Not only was I worrying about what might happen next and trying to think of how to avoid it, but I found myself missing the ‘adrenaline’ of conflict. That was horrifying.

Then it was a conversation – snatched when I took our dog out for a quick walk – with my daughter who said: “I know you had told us that xxx is struggling with their mental health and that all will be ok in the end, and we try to understand.  But I really miss you so much. I’m frightened for you.”

crying in a field

And then when I found myself sitting on the grass in the middle of a field crying my eyes out, not knowing how I got there, not knowing who I was and ashamed of the ‘thing’ that was sitting there sobbing.  Then I knew that, after all the years of lying awake at night wondering what to do, how to change this situation, what the risks were of being ‘tough’ and saying ‘get out’ or of me leaving the ‘home for life’ that I had bought before this relationship, there was nothing that could be as bad as staying in this incredibly toxic, destructive and body, mind and soul-destroying marriage with a narcissist.

Devastation

So I rang my dearest friends (again) who said “Come now, just drive here or we will pick you up.  Don’t go back to the house.” Quite rightly they insisted we told the police I had left and why, detailing some of the recent emotional and financial abuse that I had been suffering to ensure they had a record; but also because we were in lockdown.  Yes, lockdown may have made things worse but it was not the cause of the final decision I made.  

I lived with my friends for three months and I was like a zombie, totally overwrought, exhausted, emotional and frightened.  Frightened of myself as well as what the person I’d left might do and what might happen. My grown-up children were amazing – tried so hard to be non-judgemental and not to show how much they had hated what they saw going on, but quite clear that it was right to leave.  

I had to stop working as we had worked together; everyone was shocked – but it was clear they saw more than I appreciated.  I fretted about ‘losing’ my step children, which I realised was inevitable but I felt I could not explain to them fully without hurting them too much and could not put them in that impossible position torn between us; their parent would expect their loyalty.  As adults, my view is that they need to work it out for themselves and one day, I very much hope, to understand and re-establish contact with me.  I’ve tried to show them I still love them just the same.

Hoovering

Classic behaviour by my ex followed my departure: desperate pleas to get me to go back, promises of change and counselling being received so they finally understood what they’d been doing wrong; appealing to my friends and family; saying how hard it would be for me to be alone, offering everything they could but also subtly (and sometimes not-so-subtly) pressurising.  I had friends listen in.  I recorded conversations.  I got a solicitor. I spent hours – days (and nights sometimes) – writing stuff down, looking at figures, considering options, constantly trying to predict what they would do, wondering what my future would look like.female narcissist

By this stage though, I was not going to be persuaded to go back.  I knew the truth.  I knew they could never change, whatever they promised.  I knew the patterns of behaviour. I had learned so much more about narcissism by then that I realised that their excuse of being ‘mentally ill’ (PTSD, Attachment Disorder diagnoses) was not the primary reason they behaved as they did. They had always wanted to control, wanted the fights, wanted the power; they even admitted to being addicted to the adrenaline of volatile relationships.

I accept that their behaviour was made worse by their troubled upbringing, but fundamentally the traits were always there.  That was clear from very early on in our relationship, looking back and also remembering what others said in their family.  Yes, there was apparently awful abuse in their younger years, but I should have seen the signs when they spoke about how they turned that around and ‘used’ the perpetrators by learning how to control them.  Or how they enjoyed certain aspects of relationships – past and present – in an abnormally intense way.  

How did it take me so long to leave? How did I reach that breaking point? And how might someone reading this realise earlier and be brave enough to make what has to be the hardest decision for the partner of a narcissist, realising the likely consequences?

Discovery

The lessons it took me years to learn were many. I could never prove to them that my love was secure and sufficient so that they did not need to control me in order to feel safe; and I could never succeed in ‘changing them’ or helping them to find ways to change.  I’d tried, believe me I’d tried – to get them to see that life could be good together and that trust – the one thing they claimed they sought from/with me, was something they had from me already – until they started to destroy me and everything around me. 

I knew they had to want to change.  But all I heard them saying was that they did not want to – would not; it was me who had to change to understand them and show them that they were the most important thing in my life.

Over that last year or so, ever since once of the biggest emotional challenges in my life, the loss of a beloved close relative and the subsequent increasingly horrendous behaviour of my partner, the difference was that I was starting to say ‘no’.  Or I would say that I understood if they felt a certain way, but that I did not agree; or I would not support a decision that they were making related to our joint business; or that one day I would be doing something that they tried to ‘ban’ – like attending my daughter’s wedding or ‘being a grandparent’ should the time come – whatever they said or did to frighten or stop me.  I had started to ‘rebel’.  

Once they recognised some clearer signs that I saw through their behaviour and I also stopped reacting to the threats of suicide or illness, and that I expected our relationship to change – however much help we both needed to achieve it and however many battles we had to get through – they started to see a bit of strength coming through in me.  destruction

The Smear Campaign

Then they flipped to destruction.  Total personal, family and professional (work skills) destruction.  Before then, it had mostly been about them, how much they were suffering and had suffered, how badly they struggled with their PTSD and other issues; I should understand why they were like this and fit around them.  Then we would be happy.  

The existing behaviours grew stronger, but with the added impact of far more personal, emotional abuse.  Constant undermining, criticism, belittling of me and my (dead) parents, my adult children and my friends.  Constant pressure to do or not do things related to our finances.  Constant ways of manipulating me into situations that made me feel bad, wrong or a failure.  

Even more than before, they stopped me seeing my friends, my family, doing the things I loved, often blaming their ‘trauma’ and because I needed to understand that if I truly loved them, I did not need my past, or my friends, or even my family, as they should be enough.  I should let go of the past.  And the physical symptoms of their ‘illness’ came through increasingly – so I became a carer when all is said and done.  Then they had me.  The control was so powerful – I was drawn into that fear that they needed me as otherwise they were a danger to themselves, so I had to be there for them all the time.  I was committed to caring for them because I had loved them. Once, long ago.  

Now I was scared to leave them because of the likely consequences of constant threats of suicide and the impact on their young adult children who were always vulnerable in so many ways – even if neither they nor their parent realised it – as well as financial loss and risk to my very own home that they had gained rights to.  I wasn’t sure I had the strength to do it.

Last Chance

Through it all, I put on that brave face to the outside world – most of the time.  I kept working and delivering good results.  I tried to support my children. I certainly supported theirs – I wanted to.  I paid for lots of things.  I looked after our home.  I told those that knew more, that I still hoped that the counselling that my partner had started to get would help and we’d be ok.  I think I knew I was pretending; I just didn’t know how to stop the snowball rolling.drowning

Ultimately, I knew I was losing myself and feeling such shame in how weak I was to allow it, but also so frightened of the consequences of standing up for myself.  They were shouting, hitting walls or throwing things more often.  And I would dissolve into a crying, shaking mess of frustration and exhaustion from never, ever being able to get them to understand what they were doing to me, to our relationship, to our respective children from previous marriages, to our future.  Even spelling out that I was not able to live like this and could take no more.  All ignored. 

They thought they had broken me sufficiently that I had no choice and nowhere to go.  

So the circle was created and as a person who wants to give, to care and to help others, I was an easy target. If any of this rings true to you, please give yourself some compassion and understanding.  Trying not to blame myself for the mess I got into – or for the consequences of leaving – is still the most difficult thing I am trying to come to terms with.

Eventually I felt strong enough to leave my friends’ home; I really believe it is important to have people around you at this time of crisis and they were incredible.  I rented a flat nearby, as I had offered for my ex and their son to stay in the home that I bought outright but handed half over to them when we married.  They had demanded I do so ‘to show my love and commitment’ so they ‘felt safe’.  I got legal guidance and advice from people who understood narcissistic relationships.  They all said ‘go the legal route’ as they understood I could not face being in a room with my ex, or even on the phone with them any more; and that the word or ‘commitment’ of a narcissist in such situations was unlikely to be trustworthy.  our respective children from previous marriages

On the occasions I went to go to my home to collect belongings, I could just about cope with the verbal abuse and emotional blackmail while there, but as I walked away my thumping heart beat even faster, I became tearful, I started shaking.  Even if I just heard the voice, or saw a photo.

My brain went into overdrive wondering what they would do next, what was going to happen to my house, whether they would try to take as much from me as they could.  Ultimately, I knew they would: they wanted to punish me financially, take what was important to me and be as awkward as they could in the process.   The desire to ‘punish’ is very real: I learned once again never to trust their word but always to expect them to keep that control somehow and continue to hurt where they could.  

Sleepless night after sleepless night; BUT it got better.  

Yes, over the months it got better, because the relief of being away from the destructive words, the constant battles and emotional exhaustion enabled me to start being me again. To be able to work out right from wrong, to try to accept options and likely outcomes.  And I got help that I didn’t know was out there, nor did I know just how badly traumatised I was.  It was one of the policemen who spent time with me right back on the day I left, who was so clear. He’d seen and heard enough to say I was a victim of domestic abuse and I had every right to resort to criminal law.  That shook me.  But it definitely helped me truly realise it wasn’t just me. I’d struggled for so long thinking I was the cause, and forgiving behaviours due to ‘illness’.  Even though my friends told me otherwise.  It was the police and the solicitor who could give that professional, independent view.

Support

lifeboat

The police helped me to set up some counselling through local resources which did help but I was incredibly fortunate when an acquaintance locally was brave enough to contact me – she had seen me out walking a couple of times in a terrible state – and said “I worked out what was going on and it happened to me.  Talk to these people”.  She put me in touch with The Nurturing Coach.  The sessions I’ve had with Janine and guidance to understand both myself (vital) and the nature of the Narcissist, have been critical to my ongoing recovery.  Sometimes it’s empowering just to ramble on about the past, the emotions, the frustrations, with someone who understands and is rational, unbiased and trained to assist but also gives ‘sane and sensible’ explanations and suggestions of things that help.  

Even subconsciously, these techniques and ‘reminders’ help me every day. And always will. 

But my ex had rights, whatever they had done to me and my experience with the law was that it is totally facts and figures-based and little credit is given to behaviours or to either party’s actual input to a relationship.  Emotional abuse is still a highly complex and almost impossible thing to prove and likely to be too big a challenge for someone who has suffered it badly.  So, you accept what is the law but try to get a solution as quickly as possible. 

Once they know they are not going to get you back, all the promises, all the declarations are gone out of the window; they will want every pound of flesh they can get.  They are clever.  They will use every trick they have to control even the legal system as best they can or just be slow in responses; and to keep you wondering and waiting.  They will say very little to others because of course they will only want people to know that ‘they have been badly treated and are only asking for what they are entitled to’.  But I think that most people see through it in the end.  

Get help.  Tell people what is happening.  Understand your options.  Yes, get legal advice, but if possible, try to avoid getting into the full legal process and opt for mediation as it is SO much cheaper, less painful and less long drawn out.  You can now find appropriate support/procedures to go through this route in a different way to ‘the norm’ to manage the challenges of dealing with the person you cannot bear to be near.  If this really doesn’t work, then you can turn to the law.  It is hard and expensive but does bring conclusion.  

So: what are the magic words that help me through? Even now, over a year after leaving, every day I need to remind myself and try to overcome the negative and sad thoughts: integrity, trust, kindness, truth and love.  I can hold up my head and say I have always tried to act with those words and beliefs in mind.  But yes, I feel angry; yes, I often feel incredibly resentful that they can do this to someone, that they can destroy a person they claim to love and take so much from them in terms of not only money but self-belief. 

Freedom

If I had understood just how appalling and severe narcissism can be, I would have said ‘no’ before I got ‘buried’ by my ex’s behaviours. But hindsight is certainly a wonderful thing.  If you are a person who has similar traits to me, then I have learned to accept that this is not a bad thing.  I am loving and trusting – but I was not prepared with the knowledge to recognise my own character strengths and weaknesses, nor to understand the extreme character traits that make up the severe narcissist. I’m not a ‘youngster’; I reckoned I was fairly ‘worldly wise’, reasonably intelligent and had a strength of character and strong beliefs. But I was taken in.  Never underestimate a narcissist.

The strength to act can be found – at some point in the rollercoaster life of being with a narcissist – but sadly it may take personal crisis to find it.  It is better to cope with whatever else comes along than live a lie, live a life that is controlled and downtrodden.  But I accept that I had a part to play in that.  If I had not been vulnerable to such a character due to both my circumstances at the time, but also my nature as a person, I would have finished this relationship before it grew into a marriage. I was ‘caught in the net’ and I realised too late how much I was being manipulated from day one. 

freedomSo yes – read, listen, research – but also know who you are. It’s important to acknowledge what is right for you.  Know the character traits of different personalities in our complex world of human natures; be prepared.  But do, please, keep believing that a loving relationship can exist and that life does go on. I’ve had years of anguish and I’ve handed over a lot of money to someone who had already taken so much in one way or another, in order to get my home and independence back, but I am far stronger and I am now surrounded by the people I love, doing the things I want and am starting to live my life again. 

Above all I believe that if I can find the courage, so can you.  I know my story does not involve young children, and that factor makes a massive difference to choices and timing and how you can get out, but I hope my words can help you believe it is possible.

Now I have Family, Friends and FREEDOM – they can never take these away and so I won; I won the very things they never wanted me to have.

This post was written by one of our brave and cherished clients.  She hopes it will help someone get through their experience of a narcissist partner.

The post Leaving A Narcissist Partner – A True Story Of Devastation, Discovery and Finally Freedom appeared first on The Nurturing Coach.

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Why Netflix’s MAID is so important for abuse survivors

Why Netflix’s MAID is so important for abuse survivors

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There’s a lot of talk about Netflix‘s MAID at the moment. It tells the story of a women fleeing an abusive relationship and the systemic difficulties she faces.

I wanted to share some thoughts about the show based on my own experience:

Firstly, whilst the main protagonist is relatively young, white female anyone escaping an abusive relationship (old/young, male/female, sexuality, whatever ethnicity and race) has experienced these scenarios.

1) the victim often doesn’t identify their own experience as abusive which can mean that they don’t access specifically designed support services when they need them the most. For some, even when they do reach out for help they are gaslighted by the professionals who belittle their experience

2) emotional abuse is hard to prove but that doesn’t make it any less damaging. In my opinion it is often more so. There is a common consensus that physical violence is wrong but emotional violence is subjective and that can make a victim who has been blamed for their natural responses for so long, feel even more “broken and damaged”. Emotional abuse leaves deep scars.

3) PTSD distorts a person’s responses to both normal and abnormal situations. Someone might get angry because they stepped in a puddle but not respond at all to being shouted at. This is because their nervous system is dysregulated. Don’t take someone’s behaviour as evidence of their character. Look for the why.

4) Trauma bonding with an abuser means that many people don’t leave or return repeatedly. It doesn’t mean the abuse “wasn’t that bad”. It means they are chemically bound to their abuser due to the psychological torture they have endured.

5) They also experience cognitive dissonance which means that they can both love and hate the person at the same time. They aren’t crazy. Their brain is struggling to process two conflicting experiences at the same time because the love/hate drip they have been on is powerful.

6) Just because everyone else thinks someone is wonderful, does not mean they can’t be an abusive partner or parent. Abusers are master manipulators, toying with people’s perception of them. They have a brilliant public facade which masks their darker private self.

7) Victims need to be able to talk about their experience. It is an essential part of their processing of the trauma. This might mean that they present as having “verbal diarrhea” and disjointed conversations, switching from one topic to another. It doesn’t mean they are chronically unstable. They are detoxing and it isn’t always nice and neat.

Abuse is uncomfortable primarily for the victim but also for society. 

We don’t want to be confronted by human’s potential for causing suffering.

 Especially within the home as “our home is our castle”. Domestic abuse is raging a war within our own fortresses. 

Shows like MAID are bringing it into our homes and therefore our consciousness. It’s time to get comfortable with our uncomfortableness.

 

Have you watched it?  What are your thoughts?

The post Why Netflix’s MAID is so important for abuse survivors appeared first on The Nurturing Coach.

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Exactly How Narcissists Screw With Your Mind, Toxify Your Body And Destroy Your Life

Exactly How Narcissists Screw With Your Mind, Toxify Your Body And Destroy Your Life

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Narcissistic abuse is mind and soul bending and many people are shocked at how hard it is to recover and reclaim your mind, body and life.

Obsessive thoughts can continually haunt them so they feel like they have been taken over by a hideous emotional virus.

In today’s Thriver TV episode, I explain how this happened, as well as how to take your power back to not only emerge from this as healed, whole and vibrant …

But also, completely inoculated against this ever happening to you again in the future.

 

 

 

Video Transcript

Narcissistic abuse is mind and soul bending.

Being hit by a narcissist is akin to being hit by a freight train. So many people are shocked to discover that they simply cannot get up off the ground and just get on with life anymore.

I know that is likely to have been your experience as well.

And, it is terrifying how much your brain feels scrambled.

The obsessive thoughts continually haunt you and you feel like you have been infected with a hideous emotional virus that literally takes over your nervous system and ability to function.

In addition to this, so many areas of your life may be under siege and falling apart.

Narcissists commonly destroy people’s lives and literally rip them to pieces emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually and financially. The effects of this also impact everyone and everything that is dear to you.

This is a total breakdown experience that no one could even begin to imagine unless they have been through it themselves.

Alright, so before we delve deeper into exactly how narcissists destroy your life, as well as how you can recover from this, I want to thank all of you for supporting my Thriver Mission.

And, if you haven’t yet subscribed I’d like to remind you to please do. Also, please give this episode a thumbs up if you enjoy it.

Now let’s go deeper with this information today.

 

How Do Narcissists Get In?

Narcissists are highly skilled at infiltrating your mind, emotions, soul and life.

How do they do this?

I really hope that you are ready to hear this with openness and the desire to heal from narcissistic abuse for real. Because the truth really does set us free, when we accept it.

100% I validate that narcissists are predators who are on the lookout for sources of supply, meaning they are after what they can take from people. And it is shocking what they do. Yet, it is a fallacy that a narcissist can abuse just anybody.

As was the case in my life, and so many others, we did not, as yet, have a solid enough Inner Identity to have powerful boundary function. Meaning the ability to trust ourselves, speak up, say no when necessary, and be emotionally whole and powerful enough to do the necessary due diligence before letting somebody into our life.

This provided a way in. It was a crack in our integrity of self. Narcissists are skilled at identifying where your boundaries aren’t solid and capitalising on this.

This is how narcissists do this – they sum you up and they fact find. They know how to discover what it is that you feel still hurts in your life, what is missing, or whatever it is that you believe you can’t generate for yourself.

Now, all the narcissist has to do is position themselves as the granter or saviour of this “missing piece”. Then we feel like we can trust them. Then we even feel like we need them. We may even feel like this is the person we’ve been waiting for our entire life.

This creates a powerful chemical connection to this person.

This is one of the most confronting things that I had to face myself. Yet, it was what finally emancipated me from not just the trauma of my abuse symptoms but granted me the confidence and power to know I would never allow abuse in the future.

What were my susceptibilities, fears and insecurities that made me a prime target for narcissists, and allowed them to get in through my boundary gaps?

The following … I was too trusting of people. I didn’t do my necessary due diligence to firmly ascertain their true character before letting them into my heart, bed, body, businesses and finances.

I was scared of backing my inner warning bells and having the difficult conversations that meant that I might be susceptible to people reacting to my questioning, or boundaries, or rights, meaning that they could reject, abandon or punish me for speaking up.

So many people who have been soul penetrated by narcissists have also carried the fears of C.R.A.P.

I am certainly not alone!

The members of this community, who have become successful Thrivers, have also done their inner inventory and devoted the time and effort to heal up those parts of themselves, like my own, that made them highly susceptible to unscrupulous people who did not have their best interests at heart.

A dear friend of mine, Cheryl, also suffered some “gaps” that narcissists were able to slip into her life through. Because she didn’t believe she could be safe and uphold boundaries on her own, unconsciously (like so many of us) she wanted somebody big, strong and assertive to do that for her.

As a result, the people who came into her life, were not a rock for her, they turned out to be a hammer instead.

These people were not relieving Cheryl of her inner insecurities, rather they brought her the evidence of them.

It’s so important to understand that this doesn’t mean Cheryl was blaming and shaming herself for being abused, just as she wasn’t excusing narcissistic behaviour.

Rather it granted her the true solution!

By realising this susceptibility, this granted her the personal power to heal these parts of herself to stop handing power over to people who were hurting her. After healing these parts, Cheryl discovered that she no longer felt any attachment or a need to try to change these people, so that they would love and care for her.

Rather, she felt a complete disconnect from them, and absolutely no desire to be with them anymore.

Thus, breaking free into a completely different love and relationship trajectory.

Cheryl is now in a relationship with a beautiful man, who reflects back to her the care, love and power that she has now been able to take full responsibility for and establish within herself. By becoming her own rock, she received the matching partner.

We may not have realised the following, because it has been our “normal” – that we may have unconsciously been trying to get somebody to love us to take away the pain.

Yet, as a match for our unhealed Inner Being, they were only ever going to supply more of the same pain.

This is what narcissists do.

 

How We Have Been Programmed to Be Exploited

The sensible, healthy adult thing is to do what Cheryl did, heal oneself up in order to achieve the healthy outcome – taking your time to get to know people before committing your emotions, soul and resources to them.

Sadly, so many of us have been indoctrinated into the “fairy tale illusion”. We have been conditioned to be emotionally reckless; believing that getting caught up in the moment is the right thing to do.

I often jokingly say that I used to put more effort into choosing a pair of shoes than a love relationship.

In many ways, this was true and very frightening!

I was incredibly susceptible to love bombing and someone purporting to be the provider of what I wanted. If a potential partner was tall, charismatic, and intelligent and seemed to empathise with me feeling unseen, unheard and unsafe, then I really used to believe that I’d hit the jackpot!

We believe in love at first sight! We believe in an instant bond with our soulmate!

But what we may not realise is these deep chemical attractions can be a deep inner part of us desiring the resolution of our childhood wounds. The wanting of our mother or father to do it differently than what they did.

Here is the grand dichotomy in all of this – the person who appears in our life, who we feel chemically bonded to, is offering the promise of taking away the pain of our unresolved childhood wounds. Yet, as it turns out, they end up being the person who delivers an even more severe level of the trauma of our childhood wounds.

At first, we are not initially awakened enough to realise what is really going on, and why we are experiencing such a powerful chemical hit and attraction. Generally, we simply fall straight into this relationship, because it feels so “right”.

Plus, people in your life are telling you to get out there and meet somebody new. You may feel the stigma of being un-partnered or unmarried. Maybe you feel like your biological clock is ticking away and you need to find somebody to settle down with to start a family.

Or maybe you have seen your ex-partner move on quickly and feel the desperate injustice that you haven’t been able to yet.

It is only conscious and evolving people who will tell you the truth. A healing hiatus is needed with yourself, to change your inner love code and the relationship patterns that have been playing out, so that you can go forward into life experiencing a completely different reality.

And what it takes is this: to become at one, whole and fulfilled within yourself first.

Sadly, our programming has always kept us separated from the taking back of our power with radical personal responsibility, to get out of this terrible pattern.

Rather, we have been programmed to be victims and blame people who have hurt us, and then try to change them so that they can love us healthily.

And, we can jump up and down and exclaim that it is disgusting that people behave like this. But in no way does this allow us to heal and get better and get out of these patterns. All it does is further entrench us in them.

And when it doesn’t work, we may try to find somebody else to take the pain away. And then discover that often we are falling into the same pattern and meeting the same person, just with a different face.

If you are sick and tired of these quick fixes which don’t provide durable happiness, you may be ready to understand that only one truth will suffice. You must turn inwards to heal your relationship with yourself, and only you can do that.

One of the benefits of narcissistic relationships, as brutal as they are, is that they bring us to our knees to realise this. And this is where personal catharsis can begin.

The real truth is, as adults we are responsible for our own boundaries, it is not anybody else’s job. We are not children anymore. If we hand our power away and blindly expect somebody else to look after our well-being, emotions, boundaries and life-force, then we are highly susceptible to being not just taken advantage of, but also horribly abused and even desecrated.

Such is the case with narcissistic abuse.

 

How The Damage Deepens

Because the narcissist purports to be the person who will finally love us like no other and grants us our wholeness, this creates a powerful and quick bond.

Sooner or later the mask will drop. The mirage can’t continue, and the narcissistic behaviour starts to appear.

Far from being the saviour of our deficiencies, insecurities or things in our life that we feel like we can’t generate for ourselves, the narcissist now switches and starts attacking these things.

So, the person who was loving, romantic and truly was seeing you and being there for you, now starts emotionally and literally criticising, rejecting, abandoning and punishing you.

He or she will start messing with your head and emotions and start sucking resources from your life. The entitlement becomes apparent; the relationship becomes less about you and so much more about what the narcissist is or isn’t getting.

By remaining attached, you will be trauma bonded beyond description, fighting with insanity trying to get sanity, safety and comfort. Yet, every time you try to force the narcissist to be healthy, they will line you up and damage you even more ferociously.

Now you’re on a sinking ship, trying to salvage what you can, whilst the toxic levels of trauma and stress in your being reach a critical mass, breaking down your nervous system health, sanity and emotional structures until you literally feel like you are crumbling.

Your capacity to be able to deal with virtually anything becomes severely diminished.

Narcissistic abuse, before awakening to the truth, is a one-way trip to your personal demise, on so many levels and can even become extremely dangerous for you personally, as well as seriously impacting those you love.

What is the lesson in this?

At the Quantum Truth level, the message is clear – “Let go and heal”, that’s what this soul contract was always about.

 

How To Reverse This

There is no way you can engage with a narcissist and get relief and emancipation from this.

True evolution from this is an inside job.

The narcissist is not your solution. You are, and this requires detaching, facing and doing the necessary healing within yourself.

This is a make or break deal.

If you really get this now and understand, please pause this video and write below, “I’m turning inwards to become my own true saviour now!”

This is vital, because the breakdown either continues and increases, or the breakdown transforms into an incredible breakthrough of personal evolution – where you can heal and claim your true essence which is: self-love, self-worth and the sanctity of your own soul, emotions and life.

I hope that this has helped you understand how the narcissist has, or does, rip your life apart, and has started to grant you the hope that there is a true solution to get up and out of this.

I really want you to know that there is a definitive way to heal and release yourself from all of the symptoms of narcissistic abuse, as well as never being susceptible to having your soul, heart and life torn to pieces again.

It is such a beautiful feeling when you realise that you have made it through to this level!

I can’t wait to help you get there!

The best way that I can help you get there, is by you joining my Free Masterclass. If you didn’t make it, you can watch the replay, by clicking this link.

I can’t recommend enough that you do this!

Because in this free event you will learn about the exact step-by-step process, which has proven successful for thousands of people from over 120 different countries, to help you make a full Thriver Recovery too.

And, if you enjoyed this video please give it a thumbs up and please know that if you subscribe to my channel, you will be automatically notified when my two new episodes are released each week.

And as always, I look forward to your comments and questions below.

 

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The Only Thing Stopping You From Living Your Best Life

The Only Thing Stopping You From Living Your Best Life

/in , , , /by

 

Virtually every person wants healthy love, good health and vitality, success and rewarding feelings whilst doing their life mission and vocation.

Yet, even after dearly wanting these things and even yearning for them, why can it be a struggle to achieve them?

In today’s Thriver TV episode, I will explain to you, in real detail, exactly what is keeping you separated from the life of your dreams.

 

 

Video Transcript

Today I want to have a conversation with you that I know could really help.

If you are new to this community, I hope with all my heart that this conversation will allow you to understand how to be able to start accessing your best life after narcissistic abuse.

If you have been a member for a while, this episode may be a powerful reminder of the truth for you.

This is about how to create the life that you were born to live. Maybe a more incredible life than what you ever believed was possible.

Okay, so just before we get started, I also want to tell you about my next upcoming Free Masterclass. This is my most powerful resource in regard to connecting you with how to live your best life, and it’s happening in just a few days’ time.

To sign up for this Quantum Healing Event click this link. 

Okay so now let’s get started …

 

How Your Life Really Unfolds

It can be difficult to initially realise how powerfully you are creating your own life. Yet, it is a vital understanding if you want to change the life that you are living.

Aligning with your best life requires these components – your thoughts to match your desires, and your Inner Being programs to match them as well.

Your heart knows what you want, and the feelings in your heart are the part of you which is most closely connected to your soul. At a deep heart/soul level, we all know our highest potential. We know what we want and who we wish to be.

In a general sense, for most people, this is healthy and fulfilling love relationships, good health, vitality and to be aligned with one’s purpose – meaning having a fulfilling vocation that contributes to the world in meaningful ways.

Yet, many people struggle to achieve such a life.

Why is this?

When our heart’s desires don’t come to fruition, it is because our soul truth, thoughts and subconscious programs aren’t aligned.

To begin to explain why, I want to share with you the understanding that you are creating your life from your emotional frequency (feelings), not from what you think. Meaning that what you feel about any topic in your life is what will be true for you, rather than what you are trying to think about it.

Also, these feelings (already pre-programmed beliefs) on any topic in your life determine how you interact with the entire Field on this topic – which is the people, situations and events in your experience related to it.

If your emotional inner composition is healthy, empowered and embodied in deservedness on this topic, then so it will be.

If your emotional inner composition is unhealthy, disempowered and struggling with related traumas on this topic, then so it will be.

It is very normal to believe that an outside force is the cause of our distress, struggles, and difficulties. Or even that a Higher Power is not allowing us to have what our heart desires, yet this is actually not the case.

I promise you this is not about blaming ourselves for not being able to obtain and retain our heart’s desires. Rather, this is a deep inner Quantum Law understanding that frees you to access and amend your inner programs that have been unfolding in your life, often unconsciously, in ways that have not been serving you.

By understanding that the generation of your creations are within you, you can take your power back, heal within and start accessing trajectories of emotions, thoughts and opportunities that you didn’t have access to previously.

Which is so much easier than trying to change the billions of other people on this planet, or the trillions of outer events and situations that are not part of you, to get a different life experience.

When I finally understood this, and stopped trying to change or negate everything and everyone else, and simply turned inwards to do the work inside of me, a whole new universe opened up.

And I know it will for you too!

 

Your Higher Power is Ready to Partner With You

Since becoming a Thriver, I know in every cell of my being that my Higher Power wants for me exactly what my heart wants for me, and it’s only my inner composition, my subconscious already programmed beliefs, that may be in disagreement with this.

I know this to be the case when something feels painful, funky or confusing for me.

This is how you will know when you have conflicted beliefs with your desires – they don’t feel clean, easy or like a “done deal”. You may even feel like your desire could never be possible for you.

And you might try really hard to think your way beyond this. Yet, it can feel unthinkable to think in ways that you can’t feel as true for you yet.

The reason is because the brain follows the body, it’s not the other way around.

I want you to think of it like this, your heart is your True Self saying “Hello” to you. Now, knowing this, your real job is to get your inner composition, meaning your subconscious beliefs, onto the same page.

Once you do, your aligned emotions and thoughts, which organically flow on from this, will provide you with the inspiration, motivation and positivity to go after and create your goals.

And when your inner composition is aligned with your heart’s desires, this is backed by all of your Higher Power (your superconscious/God/Lifeforce itself) to provide you with all of the opportunities, synchronicities, and even miracles (people, situations and events) to work with you to bring your dreams to reality.

 

Being Disconnected From Your Best Life

If your body has stored painful traumas (by association) with any topic in your life, then you are not in emotional agreement with this topic.

Let’s take for example the topic of “love”. No matter what your head is trying to think, if you have suffered trauma, disappointments and anguish in relation to love, those are exactly the associations that are formed as belief systems and stored in your subconscious programs, in regard to this topic.

The body wins every time because it is your emotional resonance that creates the reality. This is what stored subconscious programs do – they unfold the validity of the stored belief system to the letter.

For happy and healthy realities to physically manifest in your life, your belief systems (associated feelings) and real-life application (thoughts and actions) must become a direct match.

Essentially, the first vital ingredient is that your feelings must be clear, empowered, peaceful and inspired. If there are existing traumas, especially if they have been painfully impactful, then just trying to think your way into healthier belief systems is usually impossible to do.

This is because the logical part of your mind isn’t in contact with your emotional and limbic systems, where not only is your childhood programming stored, but also your continued adult trauma experiences, as well as the deeper less obvious programs of your ancestral belief systems, gender, race and collective human painful traumas as well.

 

How Do You Change Your Emotional Resonance?

If you have an understanding of Quantum Tools, and know that you can do healing work directly on your Inner Identity, you will access a simpler way to connect to your best life, rather than gruellingly trying to think your way into it.

Trying to formulate remedies for painful Inner Identity beliefs, means not releasing or reprogramming them, which equals remaining hostage to the continued and repeat trauma experiences in your life.

In relation to the thinking part of trying to change our life, a huge human tendency is to try to learn how to be different to change our Beingness.

During my Thriver Recovery, I understood something incredibly profound – I already was organically aligned to my best life, with all the resources available within me. I was also already capable of accessing everything that I required in The Field (all of life) to unfold the life of my dreams.

I didn’t have to learn how to be somebody different to get these things. Rather, I needed to unlearn the traumas, false beliefs and lies I had absorbed, to be free to become my natural Beingness.

I know that this may sound ridiculous and counterintuitive to everything you’ve ever learnt, however when you start going Quantum and are prepared to do the work directly on your inner emotional composition, the old struggles and confusion melt away, and a new clarity, power and ecological wholeness rises up from within.

Then you will see how everything that is your life will be touched powerfully and productively.

Let’s look more deeply at all this in the next section …

 

It’s The Feeling You Really Want

When I began to heal, for real, I was astounded at the irony of the following …

I’d been trying to get and do all sorts of things in order to feel okay about topics in my life, yet when I instead started working on the feeling first, and got that right, then the doing and getting followed my new aligned Beingness effortlessly.

Let me explain.

If you are trying to make the Getting and the Doing negate the feelings of empty Beingness, then you are trying to create your life with mere logical willpower.

The cognitive part of our brain has no access to The Field – the interconnected Higher Consciousness of all solution, possibility and expansion.

Logical brains are only processing information at a tiny forty bits per second. This is in stark contrast to the forty billion bits per second which our subconscious programs, our feeling centres, are generating, which are activating our Inner Identity and its connection to the entire Field.

What part of you do you think is making your life happen?

It is the part of you that is not logically conscious. What’s going on with you beneath your level of consciousness is what really matters.

Many people are dismayed that Law of Attraction principles don’t work for them. The reason they don’t is because if you have experienced significant trauma then your blocked up, fearful programs are super-glued in place.

The more impactful your traumas have been, the greater the power of these painful programs is to stunt you from living your best life.

And, the more that you try to overcome them with “positive thinking”, the more the almighty power of these programs will push back and reinstate themselves even harder. This can literally make you feel like you are going crazy!

The effective way to address these inner programs is to bypass the thinking mind, and go straight into the feeling centre of the subconscious programs and release the traumas and painful belief systems there, and then replace them with the truth of who you really are.

My Thriver methods to heal (NARP) do this very effectively, because once released from the trauma energy, you learn how to bring down your Higher Power (which wants exactly what you want for you) into the space where the trauma once was.

This shifts you immediately into a different Beingness – the ecological oneness, harmony and your highest potential on the topic that you’re working on. And you certainly don’t have to experience it physically for your Inner Identity to recognise that “it just is”.

After the Beingness is anchored inside, another grand irony occurs, you no longer “need” this thing to happen in your life in order for you to feel whole, at peace, and at one with it.

Which takes us to the next topic …

 

If You Need it Then it Will Not Come

I found in my own life, that until I shifted out the traumas and inner beliefs that were keeping me separated from what my heart desired, I was trying to fill up from the outside in order to reach a state of wholeness.

It didn’t work!

True miracle and the coming of something happens because you are already being it. The real-life experience, the confirmation, comes after the Beingness has been established.

I discovered that the most powerful manifestation of all is this: when you have the feeling of wholeness and beingness, you don’t need to get or do anything in order to feel at home with yourself and your life. From this place you are free to create joyously without attachment to outcomes and without the fear of never getting it, or losing it if you do.

This doesn’t mean that you’re never going to create! Rather you are free to create more than you ever have been able to in your entire life!

One of the most exciting things about Quantum Freedom Healing is that the inspiration and the ability to be more and create more, just organically comes.

All we need to do to create this, is to keep focusing on any dense emotional energy in our body, release it and bring in our Higher Power to replace it, which is exactly what the process of Quanta Freedom Healing does.

In my previous “Law of Attraction Life” I was forever trying to visualise and hold the vision and keep the thoughts of what I wanted in my life going. I always had to be at it and would work on it often. I was forever trying to catch my thoughts and feelings if they went off track.

Yet now, because I simply release trauma on any topic in my life that is not working out for me, my Beingness is organically changing. I don’t have to keep working on my alignment. It just is!

Now there is nothing to keep monitoring and trying to manage or hold. I simply Become and then it comes! That is what be-come really means!

I love living free of neediness, and continually putting in the effort to try to feel whole. It’s just much easier to focus on releasing trauma to become whole, solid and peaceful inside.

 

What is Stopping You From Having the Life You Really Want?

I hope that you can truly understand that the only thing between you and your heart’s desires are your internal blocks and limiting beliefs (traumas).

But the great news is, that we now have the Quantum Tools to address this!

My Thriver Healing methods are completely focused on bypassing your logical mind, and going straight into your Inner Identity to reach, load up and release the traumas and opposing beliefs that have been holding you separated from the life of your dreams.

This is why I am beyond excited to invite you into my next Free Masterclass www.melanietoniaevans.com/masterclass so that you can learn exactly how to release your blocks, and come into alignment with the life that you were born to live. The one that your soul is speaking to you about.

You can do this by clicking this link.

Please also share this video with people who you know are not living to their fullest potential and dearly want to.

And as always, I look forward to answering your comments and your questions below.

 

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Narcissists Are Predictable! 10 Things All Narcissists Say

Narcissists Are Predictable! 10 Things All Narcissists Say

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Narcissists would like to think that they are unique. But they’re not.

It’s astounding how narcissists say the same things and it’s actually FREAKY!

In this Thriver TV episode I share with you how virtually all narcissists behave in certain situations, how they will react, and the exact (or close enough) words that commonly come out of their mouths.

I also explain what you can do to not be affected by this ridiculousness!

 

 

Video Transcript

 

I remember over a decade ago, when I started reaching out to people about my narcissistic abuse experience, people commonly said, “That’s exactly what the narcissist said to me too!”

Narcissists would like to think that they are unique. But they’re not.

They are in fact incredibly predictable, and that’s what I want to share with you today – how virtually every narcissist will behave almost identically, in the following situations.

So, watch on to find out how they do!

Okay, so before we get started, I would just like to say that I am extremely excited to share with you that I have released my next Free Masterclass, which is coming up in only a few days.

After watching this video, you will know just how this Masterclass can help you regarding getting clear and healing from narcissistic abuse, which you may not have been able to achieve before taking this free class.

You can register for this Quantum Healing Event by clicking this link. 

Now, let’s get into this juicy topic for today, regarding the ten things that virtually all narcissists say.

#1 When Asked For Your Needs To Be Met

“It’s always all about you!”

When trying to negotiate with the narcissist, a lot of what you’re asking for is just common decent behaviour.

You are not asking for the narcissist to fly to the moon for you.

As examples, if you asked to be spoken to nicely, or to be allowed to know the narcissist’s plans and how they may affect you (simple human requests) the narcissist will take umbrage and tell you how unreasonable, and even selfish, this is.

This is where you can feel like you are going crazy, trying to get a child in an adult’s body to understand that a healthy relationship requires care and consideration for one another.

The narcissist simply does not get this, even about basic things, let alone the extreme bad behaviour that he or she does act out.

When you heal for real from narcissistic abuse, I promise you that you will deeply embody that it is healthy for you to speak up for what you need, and know that you deserve to have your needs heard and met by another healthy adult.

And, you will never accept less than this again.

#2 When You Are Leaving Them

“You will never find anybody like me!”

Other variations to this expression are, “You will never find anybody who loves you as much as I do” and “You know that you can’t live without me.”

It’s not until we heal that we realise how ludicrous this really is – we don’t want to ever find anybody like them again and live the torturous life that we’ve been having!

Yet, when you are still emotionally enmeshed with the narcissist, one of their greatest tactics to keep you hooked as supply is to make you feel dependent and helpless without them.

It’s about having you believe that your life going forward on your own will be one of terrible loss.

I promise you that when you go through your Thriver Healing process, you will discover that this is totally not the case! Rather, you will be thrilled that you are free, and you’ve left all of this pain, confusion, and abuse behind.

And you will become self-generative – meaning happy, confident and whole in your own skin.

#3 When Being Confronted

“Here we go again!” (Accompanied with a sarcastic eye roll).

Other variations of this one are, “You are crazy” and “You are the only person I ever have this trouble with.”

This is invalidation at its finest. This is how the narcissist can make you start to doubt your own sanity and believe that there is something wrong with you.

Invalidation of your feelings and being unwilling to meet you and talk about what concerns you is painful enough, yet narcissistic abuse takes this to another level.

Narcissists know how to not just invalidate you, but to also demean your character and sanity at the same time.

It’s little wonder that so many people feel like it must be their fault and suffer terrible assaults on their self-esteem and personal identity.

I really want you to know that my Thriver Healing process, that is the NARP Program, transforms you to a wholeness and self-validation which means you will no longer try to get understanding from somebody who refuses to give it to you.

Rather, if you have confronted somebody deficient in resources to be humble, real and to engage in healthy communication with you, and they are unable to, then you will disengage, move on and create healthy relationships with those who can.

#4 When Treating You Horribly

“But I love you!”

When this happens it feels so crazy, because it could be said when the narcissist is telling you all the things that are wrong with you.

Or whilst the narcissist is telling you that he or she is going to leave you.

It could even be said to you amongst the most horrendous insults, name-calling, and so much worse.

As many people discover, these words hold very little weight when the actions simply don’t match them. Additionally, the narcissist is capable of horrific discards and even replacing you with fresh and new supply at a moment’s notice.

Of course, someone who really loves you doesn’t behave like this!

This I can assure you, after going through your true recovery from the inside out, you will know what real love is. No longer will you be emotionally dismayed that somebody does not have the resources to love you genuinely. This is because you now have solid and real authentic love already going on within yourself.

This is an absolute truth that we discover after Thriver Recovery – you will never accept a level of love below the level that you have been able to establish in your self-partnering with yourself.

You will no longer agonise about someone’s lack of capacity to love you. It’s just not a match for who you are now.

This is when real love that is genuine and wholesome can and will come into your life.

#5 When Confronted For Adulterous Behaviour

“You have jealousy issues!”

Generally, the narcissist will start attacking you with counter-accusations if you are getting close to catching them out.

The narcissist is totally invested into proving that you are wrong, and they are above reproach.

He or she does this by trying to get you to doubt yourself and start to believe that maybe you are insecure and don’t have a right to believe or think the things that you do.

After healing yourself into being a whole and empowered individual, you will know what you do and don’t deserve in your life. You will be willing to take a stand to lose it all to get it all, meaning that unless there is proof there is no truth.

And if there is no truth then you move away, heal and start to generate healthy, trustworthy and genuine relationships instead of ones filled with deception and betrayal.

#6 When You Want Accountability

“You are damaged from your past!”

If you ask the narcissist for clarification, he or she is likely to tell you that you have trust issues as a result of the problems that you’ve experienced in your past. And of course, the narcissist purports that this has nothing to do with his or her behaviour now.

Many of us, who have been narcissistically abused, are good people who take personal responsibility. It is very usual for people like us to try to fix ourselves to try to make our relationships better.

The narcissist may capitalise on this, especially if we don’t know how to create healthy boundaries, honour ourselves and leave if these boundaries are not respected.

This I can assure you, whilst healing from narcissistic abuse with NARP (the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program), you will know that your boundaries and truth reside in the present. You will also know that the past has absolutely nothing to do with you knowing your values and your rights today.

NARP grants you the potential to never be derailed again from stating and knowing what your boundaries are with a narcissistic individual.

#7 When Using Circular Arguments

“Stop raising your voice!”

Another version of this is, “I’m not talking to you until you speak to me respectfully!”

Narcissists have all sorts of nasty tools in their arsenal to make you feel like your head is spinning in an argument with them. They refuse to stay on topic and use all sorts of defensive comments and nasty projections that are so violating, that it is usual for you to lose all emotional stability.

Then, when you get triggered and angry, the narcissist goes from bait to switch and turns it all back on you.

Those of us who have been abused by narcissists know exactly how epically maddening this is.

During Thriver Recovery, you go through a powerful evolution where you know how to stay only on the topic and refuse to go down rabbit holes with the narcissist (which is where he or she loves to take you).

Then, if the narcissist won’t comply, you detach, detox from him or her and take what is necessary to the next level. When you know how to no longer be triggered and have your facts straight and in line, it is far easier to defeat the narcissist than you might think.

#8 When Gaslighting You

“They know who you are!”

The narcissist will tell you how selfish, immoral and nasty your character is and how other people have found you out and are even talking about your defectiveness behind your back.

This is the narcissist projecting his or her disowned inner parts onto you and making out that these disordered things are coming from you.

Because you do have a good character, it is beyond devastating to be accused of things that are not what you do and also frustratingly know that they are actually how the narcissist behaves.

After healing for real from narcissistic abuse, you will no longer get hooked in by this.

Because you are now totally comfortable in knowing who you are, and are no longer attached to what other people do or don’t think about you. You know that the people who are meant to be in your life will know you for who you really are, and the ones that don’t are totally entitled to their opinion.

It’s not important what other people think about you. It’s important what you think about you.

#9 When Breaking Promises

“Just because I didn’t do what you wanted when you wanted it.”

Narcissists don’t like to comply. They have no desire to be a team player or do things for you that would make you happy (unless there is an agenda attached).

It’s much more preferable to the narcissist to use promises to manipulate you, to get what they want, and to let you down and hurt you when he or she wants to lash out and punish you.

Then the narcissist will twist it all back on you and make it your fault, telling you that your expectations are unreasonable.

During your Thriver Recovery, statements like this will no longer affect you. You will know that they are utter lunacy because real healthy people not only want to commune, care and assist those they love, they also have the emotional resources to do so.

#10 When Abusing You

“You make me behave like this!”

This is the classic narcissistic way of not taking responsibility for horrible behaviour and blaming you for it.

If you believe it, you will try to change your reactions and responses to have a better relationship with the narcissist. However, you will discover that none of this works; the narcissist will still behave terribly regardless of what you try to amend or do differently.

As a result of healing from the inside out with NARP, you will no longer be scapegoated for someone else’s disgraceful and abusive behaviour. Never again will you take responsibility for it. Rather you will leave, heal yourself back to wholeness, and enter and maintain relationships with people who would never have the capacity to behave like this.

Healing From All Of This!

It is eerily freaky how narcissists say the same things!

You may wonder how this is possible. Really, this is simply the product of a disordered Inner Self who refuses to take personal responsibility and suffers from Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD).

Until we know better, of course we argue with this behaviour and try to sort it out to make this person see sense and behave decently.

But to no avail!

I hope you can understand that these types of behaviours are narcissistic defence mechanisms that can’t be reasoned with.

This is why you have to find another way, a way that works.

To explain in detail what I have been touching on in this video, I have just opened up my next Free Masterclass where we go through exactly how to create your true Thriver Recovery.

I will show you how it’s done.

So, come join my next Free Masterclass by clicking this link.

Also please share this video with others who you know are suffering from the insanity of narcissistic abuse.

And as always, I look forward to answering your questions and your comments below.

 

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