When Narcissists Are Hurting The People You Love … How Do You Help Them?

When Narcissists Are Hurting The People You Love … How Do You Help Them?

/in , , , , /by

It is can be disturbing and devastating to watch a loved one struggling with a narcissist.
 
You may have a child whose partner is a narcissist and you feel isolated and powerless to help them.
 
Or you may have a parent, sibling or friend who is experiencing narcissistic abuse and you don’t know what to do.
 
There is a way to help them, other than lecturing and trying to get them to wake up. In this episode, I’m going to explain to you exactly how to do this.

 

 

Video Transcript

So many of you have often asked me, how can I help my child who is now isolated and controlled by the narcissistic spouse?

Or maybe your sister, brother or dear friend is hopelessly enmeshed with a narcissist abusing them at work, in a love relationship or even in a friendship.

You may be beyond concerned that the person you care about isn’t waking up to this and seems to be slipping further and further away from you.

Maybe you have grandchildren that you don’t see anymore because of a narcissistic in-law.

How can you help the person you love who is deeply in the clutches of narcissistic abuse?

In today’s TTV episode I explain to you the only way I know that works and does work to help your loved ones recover from this.

But before we get started on this episode, I’d like to thank each and every one of you who have subscribed to my channel and supported the Thriver Mission. If you haven’t yet done so please do, and also give this episode a thumbs up if it resonates with you.

Okay, so now on to this very important information.

 

The Deeper and Necessary Understanding of Quantum Law

There is nothing more heartbreaking than seeing the people whom we love suffer. There is nothing more frustrating and unjust than seeing them ripped away from us by a pathological narcissist.

What is doubly frustrating is the more we try to talk sense to the person we love, the more they can pull away from us and even side with the narcissist.

You may be agonising over why this is happening, but what I always like to do is to just get down to the pure truth of things – which is this:

Whichever way we are powerfully emotionally vibrating about anything (including somebody we care about), is exactly the experience that we will have in our personal experience.

Let me put it to you simply. If you feel that someone in your life is being emotionally smashed, abused and isolated from you, then that is the experience you will continue to Quantumly generate in your life.

This is especially true if you see this person as broken and powerless.

Now, before you think that I am blaming you for the experience that they are having, please hear me out. I am not blaming you in any shape or form, I am just explaining how energetic law and true manifesting takes place.

It is a human and beautiful part of our nature to deeply care for, be concerned about and have compassion for those whom we love. Yet, when you understand Quantum Law, you will realise that this is not necessarily helping those you love get better and get away from toxic circumstances.

Rather, it contributes to them being deeply stuck.

To truly help those you love requires a deeper understanding of Quantum Law, which I am beyond inspired to share with you.  In order to be able to help, you need to know the actual steps to Quantumly – which means for real – help the person who is not, at this point, helping themselves.

So, let’s dive in and get started.

 

Step Number One: Acceptance

The greatest barrier to us trying to change our life experience, including the experience of others we care about, is resistance to what is happening in the present moment.

Of course, from the human perspective, we judge what is happening to them as ‘wrong’. Yet, by doing so, we are not understanding the grand design deeper truth of their soul’s evolution and journey.

I personally believe 100% that there is a reason for ‘all of it’, meaning that anyone’s personal evolution is about calling forth and participating in the experiences that are going to make their unconscious programs conscious, and lead them inwards to healing and resolving what is necessary in order to generate a different life experience.

That is exactly what happened to us regarding our own narcissistic abuse which then led us to entering and activating our Thriver Recovery.

When you can take the evolutionary high road of understanding that what your loved one is going through is a necessary transaction for their own personal awakening and evolution, then your deepest wish is not so much for that experience to be removed or brought to an end, but for their soul to awaken and become empowered, self-loving and self-defining within the experience.

And, when you truly love another, then you will bless the experience and not make it so personally about yourself.

How often have we wanted to try to force somebody to change in order for us to feel better?

Usually, if we are honest with ourselves, this is the case. It is understandable and even intensely loving towards others, yet it defies getting a positive result from Quantum Law, as much as trying to defy a natural law such as gravity would be.

It is impossible to generate a change in your life experience by trying to change something outside of you, including somebody you love, in order for you to feel better.

What is much more likely to happen as per Quantum Law – so within, so without – is that this person you are trying to rescue from their situation will supply you more evidence of the inner emotional experience that you are already having. Namely, them not being well.

There is only one way to change your experience of anything or anyone, and that is to find the way to feel better about ‘what is’ so as to create the base foundation to go emotionally inward to then create a different experience that will spill out and have an influence on the outer experience.

This starts with acceptance.

A powerful mantra that you can say often in regard to this person who is being abused by a narcissist is, ‘I bless and accept your experience as sacred. No matter what it looks like, I know that it is offering you the highest possible evolutionary path that your soul yearns for.’

 

Step Number Two: Shifting Your Emotional Response

You have to know that trying to go in and change things, whilst you feel devastated for this person, is not going to work.

If anything, you run the risk of pushing them further away from you and more into the arms of the abuser.

There is a better way to deal with this, and the great thing is that it is activated by working on the only person that you do have the power to change – yourself. And, you can be totally available for this mission.

This is how it works …

By fully understanding and accepting that the way that you create change for yourself and others you care about, is by changing yourself. This doesn’t mean changing the way that you interact with them, even though this is a natural by-product of this … rather it means completely changing your inner emotional composition about this person and what they are going through.

Let me explain to you what I mean with this example.

A NARP member called Gail was devastated that her daughter who was married to a narcissist, was becoming more and more isolated from her and the rest of the family.

To add insult to injury, Gail’s daughter had three children under the age of ten whom Gail adored. Her ability to visit her grandchildren was getting reduced, as she continually received opposition and excuses. Gail knew that her daughter was being twisted and turned against her and her husband by her daughter’s husband.

Gail wrote into me asking me what she could do. I related to her the only solution I have ever known to work. I invited Gail to join NARP and start using the healings to target the traumas in her body regarding what her daughter was going through and how it was impacting Gail.

Gail put in the hard work with NARP and kept moving these terrible traumas in her body and shifting them out, until peace replaced the previous fear and anxiety.

Gail reached the place which we all do, on any topic in our life, when we work with the Quanta Freedom Healing processes of NARP; where the trauma was released, truth entered.

Gail realised that her daughter was going through a soul growth lesson with this man, and she also realised that everybody involved including the children, herself and the family were also going through their own personal evolution as a result of this.

Gail knew that her true power to assist in this solution was to accept that everything was in perfect and divine order, and then to powerfully contribute by shifting herself to ‘feel’ and ‘know’ that her daughter had an infinitely wise Inner Being who could also wake up to the truth.

The more Gail did this work, the more she was able to let go and allow, and keep working on herself to hold her daughter in this emotional vibration.

What happened next is what happens next in virtually every circumstance – Gail’s daughter approached her only a few weeks later. She asked her mother for help to take herself and the children in because she was divorcing her husband.

The spell had been broken.

Gail’s daughter also started working with NARP so as to detox the narcissistic husband out of her system, parent and create healthy powerful boundaries.  By doing this, he lost the advantage of her previous fear to abuse her with. She also set up powerful parallel parenting plans.

I know 100%, because I’ve seen it happen so many times in other people’s lives as well as in my life with my own son Zac, that if Gail had stayed in the same emotional devastation that she was previously in, none of this would have happened.

If you want your life to change regarding the people you love, then you need to become the change that you seek, from the inside out.

 

Step Number Three: Replace Blame and Resentment With Love

One of the most vital transitions you need to go through to help the people whom you love is to stop blaming and shaming them. It’s very common and of course understandable, to be angry and upset with this person you love for turning their back on you or siding with the narcissist against you.

Many people get confused regarding boundaries versus resentment. To help somebody awaken and re-enter your life, and their own life healthily, you must engage the power of love. Which means seeing and holding them in love without any personal hurt of your own being involved.

You may have to work really hard at this with NARP in order to shift out all vestiges of blame, resentment and hurt.

Remember, love heals, resentment hinders.

This does not mean drop your boundaries. If the person whom you love is infiltrating and damaging your boundaries, then enforce them, lovingly and directly and honestly.

That is what real love does. You are not loving another honestly by forfeiting your boundaries and hurting yourself to try to make them happy or love you. That’s a false love economy.

Let me share with you the following example.

Don is another NARP member who was doing the inner work regarding his son being in business with a very toxic narcissist determined to keep him away from Don and the family.

Yet, his son would come to Don to borrow money because of his business losses. The interactions went like this, every few months or so Don’s son made contact, but it was only about money. At all other times, he refused to be in contact with the family.

Before working with NARP, Don used to grant money to his son to try to stay in contact, yet after working with NARP and losing his trauma about what was happening with his son, Don started saying ‘No’.

Predictably all contact stopped and was unanswered when Don and his wife would reach out.

However, Don kept working with NARP as instructed to release all his guilt and obligation and trauma and just kept bringing in the highest possibility of resolution, which was his son awakening into his own infinite inner wisdom, thus evolving beyond the abuse.

It’s what happened – Don’s son left his business partner, returned to the family fold and started taking legal action against the narcissist.

 

Having to Work With This Differently

Until you understand Quantum Law, you may think that what I am talking about is some new-age fluffy theory.

Nothing could be further from the truth.

Our own awakening is to realise how intrinsically and powerfully our own emotional energy is connected to the entire field; especially to those we are bonded to through love.

I know that so many of you in the community are reporting to me that you are really ‘getting it’. There is such a big difference between receiving information and fully embodying it as truth. The latter is what grants you power.

If you are really getting this, I want you to pause this video and write below ‘the cells of my body really get this!’

Until now you may not have realised that through your care and concern you have actually been adding to the situation rather than resolving it. This is why you need to learn to go about this in a different way, and I know that you will be stunned and shocked (beautifully) when you start working at this from the inside out.

In the only way that can truly work – Quantumly.

I can’t recommend enough becoming a NARP member to help those who you love. The wonderful by-product is that, not only will you discover how much you can genuinely assist them, you will also discover your own unlimited expansion, resolutions and breakthroughs that previously only seemed to be a life dream.

To become a NARP member click this link.

And, if you enjoyed this video, and would like to be notified each time a new episode is released, then make sure that you subscribe to receive all of my updates.

Also, please share this episode with those you know who are agonising over what is happening to the people they love.

As always, I look forward to answering your comments and questions below.

 

Read More –>

Top 6 Traits Narcissists Look For In Their Victims

Top 6 Traits Narcissists Look For In Their Victims

/in , , /by

 

Narcissists know how to target people.

They know what to look out for.

Many people think that narcissists can con anybody and start to destroy their lives. This isn’t true. There are many people who the narcissist will quickly ascertain are not on their snack list.

In today’s TTV episode I share with you the top six traits that narcissists look for in their victims.

 

 

Video Transcript

Narcissists hunt.

They know what they are searching for in regard to their victims. They are looking for lovely people with certain characteristics, which really means people who are not necessarily nice to themselves.

Narcissists need narcissistic supply very quickly. They can’t provide their own internal energy source and need to strike rapidly. This is why narcissists are incredibly skilled at knowing who to strike and how.

By you knowing the six traits that narcissists look out for in the people that they hone in on, it means you can shore up these susceptibilities within yourself so that you will no longer be on a narcissist’s menu.

Okay, so just before we investigate these six top traits, I’d like to thank all of you for supporting the Thriver Mission by subscribing to my channel. If you haven’t yet done so please do. Also, if you like this video please make sure that you give it a thumbs up and share it with your communities.

Okay so let’s get started on this very important information.

Trait Number One: Unhealed Traumas

The number one universal tactic for a narcissist to enmesh with another, such as a love or business partner, friend, neighbour or even in regard to a family of origin narcissist trying to retain another family member for supply – is this:

Find the ‘need’ and propose to be the grand supplier of it.

Narcissists question potential intimate partner targets to find out what is still hurting them or missing in regard to their previous love life.

If you say that you were treated like you didn’t matter, the narcissist will supply the information to make you believe that to him or her you will completely matter. If your previous traumas have been about adultery, the narcissist will profess to be 100% monogamous.

The list goes on and on.

In a business context, the narcissist will purportedly have the smarts, experience, confidence and contacts that you don’t have.

When a family member is ready to pull away and walk away, the narcissist may pretend to be the caring, considerate person that the other family member has craved all their life.

If you feel empty, disappointed, powerless or ineffectual in some area of your life, you are susceptible to being duped and abused by a narcissist pretending to be the saviour of this trauma.

Of course, we all have things that we desire, yet if we are not taking personal responsibility to heal those feelings within ourselves, we will be needy. We will grab an outside solution rather than doing the inner work to become an emotional healing solution to ourselves.

This means we can make risky choices, rather than take our time to ascertain the character of people and ensure that our boundaries, values, body, heart, mind and property have been granted the healthy due diligence to keep them safe.

When we are whole, we don’t rush things. When we are empty and needy we become reckless to try to get relief from our inner emptiness and anxieties about the future.

This is where narcissists come in.

Trait Number Two: Not Honouring Your Inner Being

Narcissists know how to test people’s boundaries. When a narcissist targets you as a potential source, they are trying to find out whether or not you honour yourself, your values and your truth.

Because if you are in your power, as soon as the narcissist starts violating your boundaries and mining you with their own self-serving agendas, you will put an end to the relationship.

A person aligned with living their values and truths will not be a match for such behaviours.

Narcissists can easily test your boundaries, especially if he or she has been able to hook up quickly with you, and infiltrate your time, emotions and life. At this point, you may already be feeling an emotional dependency on this person as the provider of the love, approval, security or survival that you haven’t yet resolved within yourself.

This now means that you don’t want to lose this person.

You may even believe that this is THE person who will be your salvation and bring you wholeness.

Now the narcissist is going to start saying or doing things to test your boundaries to see how far he or she can go. The actions start not matching the words. He or she will start acting entitled, selfish and inconsiderate.

He or she may make a disparaging, nasty comment about you or someone or something that is important to you.

Where there was previously support, the exact opposite starts becoming evident.

You may even start experiencing obscene violations of your values and rights that start tearing your soul apart. At some point in your relationship with the narcissist, these horrific experiences are inevitable.

If you start acquiescing to try to keep the peace, or even fight back because this has hurt you, rather than create ultimate boundaries, pull away and know what you will or won’t have in your life – the narcissist will now know that he or she can violate you, mine you and get what he or she wants.

Identically, upon meeting a narcissist, he or she has ways of testing your boundaries and seeing if you are going to do your due diligence and take your time to assess his or her personal character or not.

If you start automatically trusting and gravitating towards a narcissist, despite the warning signs that your Inner Being is absolutely supplying you with (this happened to all of us), then the narcissist has a green light to proceed.

From this point things can only get worse.

Trait Number Three: Not Having Your Own Whole Life

One part of being that injured gazelle at the edge of the pack, able to be picked off by a predator, is not having a whole, happy and productive life.

You see, this is how it goes – narcissists need to create dependencies.

If you feel lonely, empty and have simply been going through the motions waiting for something to change outside of yourself, or for somebody to turn up in order to start granting you a happy productive life, you are at risk. That someone who you want to be the saviour of this emptiness is someone who you will struggle greatly to let go of – no matter how badly he or she treats you.

If, when you start connecting with somebody at a healthy pace, you don’t retain your own life, happiness, and purpose then this person becomes your ‘everything’.

This is dire; it is unhealthy co-dependent attachment. It means that this person’s choices, values and life will become your own, no matter how abusive and disordered they may be.

It also means that this person can monopolise your emotions, time and life very quickly.

In stark contrast, retaining yourself, your life and your values is one of the greatest safeguards in regard to not being taken in and down by a narcissist. He or she will not tolerate it and will need to leave your experience.

Trait Number Four: Not Being Willing to Lose It All to Get It All

If you are not prepared to love yourself first and foremost, then you are susceptible to being abused by somebody who you are trying to get your own sense of worth and love from.

A healthy life in regard to interpersonal relationships must start with self-love. Meaning, if someone starts treating you in unhealthy and abusive ways that you love yourself enough to pull away and align with the self-love, ‘I love myself enough to know longer endure abuse’.

Generally, narcissists do something inappropriate, uncaring or even abusive early in the relationship. Or you may discover information or questionable activities about this person that just don’t add up, or point-blank expose him or her to be not a nice person.

If you make excuses to stay attached, and if you are not prepared to pull away and create safety around the sanctity of your soul and life-force by declaring the truth of your values and what you will and won’t accept in your life, the narcissist knows that he or she can be a monster and you won’t leave.

The narcissist knows you will stay attached trying to change them in order to try to have a happy life. This provides the narcissist with copious amounts of narcissistic supply – the drama and attention he or she gets from knowing how severely you are affected by them. He or she also now has you as a target to beat up and to offload their inner demons onto.

If you are a person who is willing to lose it all to get it all, meaning lose another person rather than lose yourself, you will never be susceptible to a narcissist. You will leave as soon as things start to feel and become ‘off’. You will set the limits as to what you will and won’t accept, and you will very quickly see that the narcissist does not have the resources to genuinely meet you healthily.

If you are presently healing to get into this newfound True Self Power, you will finally get out of the clutches of narcissistic abuse and start to carve out the life that is reflective of your True Self.

Naturally, to be solid enough on the inside to do this requires doing the inner work on your original traumas in order to become whole. Otherwise, you may capitulate and keep handing your power away.

Trait Number Five: Trying to Change Other People to Stop Them From Hurting You

Narcissists seek out people who are co-dependent. These are people who make other people’s business their business in order to try to feel loved, safe and happy.

Narcissists make a mess.

They are often edgy, irresponsible, live high on the hog, and show little respect for rules, finances and responsibility – after all it is about feeding their insatiable False Self in order to feel significant, regardless of the cost.

If you are someone who is covertly controlling, meaning taking responsibility for other people who don’t take responsibility for themselves, in order for you to feel safe on the inside, then you are a perfect match for a narcissist.

He or she wants somebody to mop up the messes. He or she wants someone to keep the fires burning while the narcissist pursues new supply outside of the home. He or she wants somebody to hang around and stay focused on the narcissist regardless of how badly the narcissist behaves.

We may believe that it is caring to look after irresponsible and out-of-control people, but really this is an attempt to try to get people to be stable and safe so that they can love us and look after us healthily.

As children, we may have been connected to unsafe others, trying to fix things for them so that they would be safe. The truth is we had no other option. As adults we do, and we can never fix other people’s behaviour to get our own source of love, approval, security and survival.

We only ever achieve these things by letting go of people who we believe need fixing, and turning inwards and fixing the real reasons why we have had the tendency to do this and stay connected to abuse in painful relationships.

Trait Number Six: You Are Not Self-Partnered and Loving Yourself

When the narcissist starts behaving in inappropriate and abusive ways, and you stay attached to him or her instead of pulling away to look after yourself, the narcissist knows that he or she has become the centre of your universe.

Now the narcissist can keep hurting you, mining and taking from you, and know that you have been secured as a source of supply while this takes place.

When you stay, which means tolerating things that you never believed you would tolerate, the narcissist has full permission to relax and drop the mask even further.

He or she may realise that even if caught out with adultery you won’t leave.

This is soul destroying for you, when you realise that your bottom line is almost completely extinguished, or even non-existent now.

This is the reason why being self-partnered is the number one step to take, to start pulling away, healing, bringing yourself back to wholeness and wellness and being impervious to abusers in the future.

It is the absolute foundation of healing in the Thriver Way in order to create a full recovery of not just your abuse symptoms, but also your abuse patterns.

If you are not self-partnered, meaning you are committed to loving yourself enough to heal and create yourself as a whole and healthy individual who is no longer susceptible to abuse, then your life will be dictated by other people’s values and choices rather than your own.

Narcissists know how to look out for this to ascertain where people are in regard to being anchored in their own being as self-love to themselves or not. People who have been assigning other people as their source of love, approval, security and survival are clearly not self-partnered.

If this is the case, narcissists know that they can easily slot into that position, enmesh with people, and start taking over their soul and life.

How to Recover From These Six Traits

I hope that going over these top six traits that narcissists look out for in their victims has helped you understand just how you may have been susceptible to narcissistic abuse.

Most people are extremely aware of the symptoms that they are suffering, and that they have been abused, but do not realise the real rectifications that are necessary to graduate out of the pain and trauma to evolve yourself beyond handing your power away to abusers again.

If you need further clarification and understanding on exactly how this has played out in your life then I invite you to join me in my free webinar where you will start to understand exactly how you can heal from not just your abuse symptoms, but also the abuser’s ability to hurt you, and, going forward, the fears of getting involved with any narcissistic people in the future.

To gain this vital understanding and training please click this link.

And, if you liked this video please give it a thumbs up and share with the communities and people who you know can heal as a result of this information.

Also, please remember to subscribe so you will be notified as soon as each new video is released.

So, I hope that this video was insightful for you and I look forward to your comments and questions below.

 

Read More –>

The Easiest Way To Identify Toxic People

The Easiest Way To Identify Toxic People

/in , /by

 

Discover the easiest and most powerful way to keep yourself safe from toxic people.

For anyone who has been narcissistically abused, especially if you are terrified of it happening again, this information is invaluable.

In this first Thriver TV episode for 2020, I want to explain to you how to ensure that the people you connect with in your life are healthy, rather than toxic.

As well as exactly how to achieve this!

 

 

Video Transcript

Welcome to 2020 and I hope that you have had a wonderful holiday break.

For our first Thriver TV episode this year I want to help you create an abuse-free year and life going forward.

If you have been able to leave the narcissist in your life and you feel fearful of connecting with toxic people in the future, I really want you to know – toxic people who are effective at being toxic are not immediately recognisable.

The ones that aren’t high functioning can be easy to detect. They could be overtly inappropriate, arrogant and quite frankly dysfunctional. These generally are the ones who are not the most dangerous.

Toxic people who are very capable of infiltrating people’s lives and smashing them to pieces are not like this, they are generally consummate actors who are extremely good at winning people’s trust and hearts.

So how do you identify those people?

In today’s video, I’m going to explain to you exactly how you will not only suspect these people but flush them out in a way that keeps you totally safe.

But, before I do, I want to thank all of you who have supported the Thriver Mission by subscribing to my channel. If you haven’t yet subscribed, I’d like to remind you to please do so. And, if you enjoy this episode, please give it a thumbs up.

Okay so let’s take a deep dive into how to identify toxic people.

 

Are You an Injured Gazelle or a Robust Bison?

You may wonder what animals have to do with this. As an analogy, they can explain a lot regarding how a narcissist targets an individual.

My analogy regarding an injured gazelle is this: it is a person who has gaps, who has susceptibilities to being ensnared and taken down by a predator.

Whereas, an individual who is a robust bison is too solid and anchored in its integrity, in its own body and energy, to be susceptible.

Please note it simply is not true that anybody can get abused by a narcissist.

Let me explain.

If you are feeling empty on the inside and carrying previous hurts that you haven’t yet reconciled, you can be as susceptible to a charming con-person coming into your life pretending to be the saviour of your emptiness, fears, or what is missing, as you would be to diving into a mirage if you were dying of thirst in the desert.

I promise you that I’m not saying this to victim shame you. I am saying this to help empower you, just as this total understanding about myself and my own life helped me awaken to understand that I did have power in these situations and that I had handed it away.

I now know as a recovered and Thriving individual – when you take personal responsibility to heal and resolve your previous traumas, and accept the gift of your own evolution and have become a solid emotional source to yourself, then there is no need for you to let people come into your life immediately.

You will take your time to get to know them, and assess their character before merging with them in ways that puts your heart, emotions, body and even resources on the line.

If a narcissist cannot find a way to infiltrate your life and snare you as a source of narcissistic supply to start mining your energy and resources quickly, it’s not worth the effort. There is much easier prey to target and feed on.

It truly is up to us to heal ourselves up from being an injured gazelle with a limp at the edge of a pack to becoming a robust bison who will never be a target.

Now let’s examine how this works in regard to identifying a toxic person.

 

By Being Yourself Powerfully You Repel Toxic People

The true way that you will recognise whether someone is toxic or not, before it is too late, is because you simply don’t want to play with them, or they leave your experience because they can’t get you to.

What I mean by this is the following: you will be anchored in your integrity, unafraid to ask the difficult questions if something doesn’t feel right, you will be able to speak up and lay boundaries and say ‘no’ if something feels uncomfortable for you.

Also, and above all, by standing in your rights, by taking your time to get to know somebody before letting them into your heart, body, bed, finances, and home, you will see behaviour that is ‘off’ in regard to a toxic person.

They may try to test your boundaries to see if you really mean them. They may have conversations with you that are not respectful about allowing you to be a solid, mature individual taking your time.

Narcissists cannot stand not getting the instant hit of narcissistic supply. They need to escape their own tormented energy at every opportunity by entering into and enmeshing with, and then draining, somebody else’s.

If a narcissist can’t get you to ignore your boundaries, hand over your rights and the bounty that he or she is after very quickly, they may try to guilt you into it. They may bait you, threaten you with abandonment, or appeal to you by claiming that you are making a terrible mistake and risk losing a golden opportunity by taking your time.

If you have healed yourself up to become a solid, mature, adult human being in your own body, you will know that this is baloney. And there is no way that you will capitulate to it.

It is then that the narcissist will unravel and just disappear.

It’s game over. You have asserted your True Self and True Life that the toxic person is no match for and therefore as per Quantum Law – so within, so without – this person simply cannot be in your experience, and won’t be.

Does it even matter whether or not you identify that this person is a toxic individual and that you have dodged a bullet?

No!

You are simply living your life powerfully and authentically from the inside out.

If you haven’t yet healed your original traumas and unmet wounds that are not allowing you to be a whole individual integrated in your own body healthily, then you may mistake this as you being abandoned, or unworthy of this person.

Or maybe you obsess that it is something that you have done wrong, and you should have let your boundaries down, rather than risk losing them. Maybe you will now go after this person and reel them back in.

Can you see how important it is to do the essential inner work on yourself so that you are no longer susceptible to handing away your power and betraying your own values and truths and putting yourself in grave danger with a sociopath?

I hope so, because the understanding I just shared with you is everything.

 

The Truth About Identifying Toxic People

The truth is that you can’t identify toxic people in a way that will keep you safe because your focus on them is not the way to achieve this.

If you haven’t as yet turned inwards to discover what your gaps are and what you need to heal within yourself, no matter what you try to learn about toxic people in order to remain safe from them, they will identify your gaps, charm you and infiltrate your life, just as they have always done to people.

The deeper truth is this, toxic people come into our lives as the real outer life evidence of our already unmet, unhealed existing inner wounds. The reason that these people come into our real-life experience, is so that our unconscious traumas can become conscious, so that finally we can turn inwards, meet them, release them and go free from them.

It’s a much better, healthier and more fulfilling system if we realise the truth about this, and self-partner to do the work that we’ve always needed to do. That way, no longer will we be the injured gazelle with a limp at the edge of the pack, or a ripe target for a predator looking to steal our soul, energy and life.

So, here is the truth – you are not going to identify toxic people.

It’s actually impossible.

Rather, you are simply going to ascertain and work with the only being that you are able to control – yourself. Then you will become healthy and whole and powerfully magnificently impervious to toxic people.

Do you understand this?

If so, write below, ‘I am going to heal and become magnificently impervious to them!’

It’s Time To Become Impervious.

I know that in all of my episodes I am really saying the same thing, over and over, just in different ways.

But I have a feeling that this particular episode may really finally hit home for you!

If this is the case, then you may be ready to do the inner work to clean up your previous traumas and gaps, to leave behind your abuse patterns and fear of abusers forever.

And I mean forever!

If it is your time, and there is no time other than now … then come with me, heal and start becoming another Thriver in this incredible community, by joining my revolutionary healing program the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program – NARP, by clicking this link.

And, if you like this video please give it a thumbs up and make sure that you are subscribed to my channel so that you will be notified as soon as each new video is released.

And as always, I am so looking forward to answering your comments and your questions below.

 

Read More –>

Want to resolve your Texas family law case outside of court? Remember these rules of engagement

Safety, Substance Abuse and Mental Health: Helping yourself through a Texas family law case

/in , , , , , , , , , , , /by

Originally published by The Law Office of Bryan Fagan, PLLC Blog.

Family law cases are among the most difficult of all areas of the law because of how intimate the subject nature is. True, you may not be worth millions of dollars like a multinational corporation but your family case deals with subjects that are more important than money. Your marriage, your children, your personal behaviors and that of your spouse are all relevant in a family case. While an investment banker’s work habits may require some embarrassing information to be disclosed in a trial, nothing compares to having to discuss your marriage to a room of strangers in a divorce trial.

Sometimes the material that is relevant in a family law case is more than just intimate or embarrassing. On occasion there is subject matter that relates to family violence, the safety of your children and even mental health disorders that become a huge part of family law cases. In these situations, you need to be able to know what to expect to encounter when dealing with problems associated with matters that are best kept private but are nonetheless relevant to your current family law case. Whether you are concerned for the well-being of your kids, yourself or even your soon-to-be ex-spouse I want to share some tips on how to handle these sorts of circumstances in your own family case.

What to do when you are worried about the safety of your children

If you find yourself worried about the safety of your children there is no time to waste in attempting to do something to remove those concerns from your life and theirs. Imagine being in a position where you had suspicions or thoughts about a hazard in your child’s life but did nothing to remedy that hazard. The next thing you know, something bad happens to your child and you end up blaming yourself for having identified a problem but having done thing to stop that problem from impacting your child.

This happens all too regularly with family law cases, I am afraid to say. For some reason our instincts as parents are inhibited by all of the hoopla associated with a family law case. This is ironic because at the core of what you are doing, no matter if it is a divorce or child custody case, is a desire to improve the lives of your children. The best advice that I can give to you is that you can improve your child’s life by addressing any concerns regarding safety immediately after you learn about them.

First and foremost, concerns about your child’s safety should be addressed by police and Child Protective Services (CPS). It is probable that the police will contact CPS anyways, but you should see to it that the police are aware of any concerns that you have for your child’s well being. If your child comes home from their mother’s house and tells you that her friend is acting inappropriately, your first step should be to talk to your child about any incidents that have occurred. Next, contact the police if that voice in your head tells you to. Better to be safe than sorry.

You need to know that if your spouse has a history with CPS, that will be an especially relevant bit of information that will need to be discussed with the judge. Family violence is a serious subject as judges want to, above all else, keep your children safe. Any words that you or your spouse use towards one another that could be construed as violent or threatening can and will likely be brought up again.

What does this mean to you on a practical level? Well, for starters, you need to get into the mindset that anything and everything that you say can be recorded and documented. This means those words can be taken out of context, potentially, and used against you and to the advantage of your spouse. Meaning: choose your words carefully. Especially choose how you text and email your spouse. Take a moment before responding to a particularly mean or nasty email to consider how your response can be utilized against you by your spouse.

Next, certainly never put your hands on your spouse for any reason. Even if you are justified in touching your spouse do not do it. Remove yourself from any situation that may rise to violence, animosity or anger. It is not worth it to you to be involved in any discussion that is heated. Use your attorney to convey difficult messages if you don’t believe that your spouse can be respectful of you and your opinions. Even if you are merely defending yourself, it can be a disaster to your case if you were to injure your spouse (especially if you are a man).

One thing that I have seen in recent years is people fighting over cell phones. Grabbing for a phone to see if someone has contacted your spouse or for any other reason can be dangerous. Mostly because those sort of actions can quickly escalate and lead to further use of violence or at the very least coarse language. Nothing contained in that phone is worth potentially losing time with your kids over- or even going to jail for. Be aware of your surroundings and do what you can to de-escalate any situation that you believe could lead to heated tempers.

Is protective order relevant to your situation?

A lot of clients ask about protective orders at the beginning of a child custody or divorce case. The thought being that one could potentially serve the purpose of de-escalating potentially dangerous situations. A protective order can serve a purpose when family violence has occurred in the home recently and that the violence is likely to continue but for the obtaining of a protective order.

If you get a protective order against your spouse that can be severely detrimental to his case in a divorce or child custody matter. You would need to decide whether or not to pursue a protective order that protects you and your kids or just you. While in today’s world we do not ordinarily consider these situations all that often, the fact is that men can be abused, as well as women. Think about all the information we are told about how women are reticent to come forward with details about abuse that they have suffered. The same can be said for men. Men are typically even less willing than women to come forward with details about abuse that they have suffered.

Handling issues regarding mental health in conjunction with a family law case

These are two subjects that come up all the time in family law cases. In some cases they are the primary reasons why there are child custody issues or circumstances that have led to discussions about divorce. Whether your spouse has been diagnosed with having a mental impairment or other mental health difficulty, or you suspect him or her of having a condition like this, mental health problems shine through brightly in many family cases.

Do you suspect your spouse of being bi-polar, having anxiety or being depressed? Some clients of mine in the past have commented that their spouse must be bi-polar considering how hot and cold he/she is. One minute they could be having a conversation together, and the next minute that same spouse could have grabbed a knife to attack our client. Behavior like this that is inconsistent and aggressive can be downright dangerous.

Another problem that clients frequently run into are issues related to a parent’s inability to take their medications as prescribed. The result is comments that relate to how good a parent your spouse might be when he or she is taking their medication, but if that medication is not taken as prescribed your spouse may be the most disagreeable person on earth. It is understandable to not want to take medication when those medicines cause you to feel out of sorts, but that concern needs to be balanced against the desire to keep your safe.

Finally, you need to speak to your attorney about your own history involving drugs and alcohol. The reality for many parents is that if there is a history of drug or alcohol abuse, you probably do not want to share those details with anyone. However, the worst thing that you can do is to keep that history a secret until a mediation or hearing date. Having your lawyer blind-sided by an opposing attorney who disclosed a history of drug and alcohol abuse is not a good plan to have.

Beware of back and forth bickering

Sometimes it is inevitable that you and your spouse will get into an argument. That happens even in the best functioning of marriages. Those arguments usually go nowhere and just leave everyone involved stressed to the max and angry that the discussion was ever started in the first place. Many times, we can see these discussions/arguments happening ahead of time and it takes a little bit of self-control to simply avoid them altogether.

There is nothing more awkward and potentially detrimental to your case to get into an elaborate game of bomb throwing in a courtroom. It typically will happen like this: both you and your spouse have allegations that the other acted inappropriately, was emotionally abusive or generally did something that was harmful to the kids. You then use your time on the witness stand to defend yourself and then hurl a few bombs her way.

What this ends up being is a back and forth game of unsubstantiated allegations. Instead of using your time productively to testify credibly for yourself and against your spouse, you are going to alienate your judge and distance yourself so far from the facts of your case that you may have trouble getting back on track. I have seen this happen many times in other cases and even in my own cases. Emotionally it may be satisfying to fire back at your spouse when he or she makes allegations against you, but in the long run that sort of behavior rarely if ever turns out to work to your advantage.

The people in your life that you trust are there to be your support system

We all have moments in our lives that require the support of others. Whether it is during a difficult family law case, a death in the family or the loss of a job, we cannot always be at our best. It is during those times that we rely on others to prop us up and support us. With that said, keep in mind that there is nothing wrong with doing so. At some point in the future it is likely that you can repay that person by being there for him or her when they need you.

Remember, also, that your mental and physical well-being matters. Staying in a marriage for the sake of your kids is noble, but ultimately self-defeating. Your kids deserve a parent who is at their best. You cannot be at your best when you are involved in a marriage that is emotionally

unfulfilling or worse yet- violent. We will discuss this topic when we pick up where we left off today in tomorrow’s blog post.

Questions about family law cases in Texas? Contact the Law Office of Bryan Fagan

The attorneys with the Law Office of Bryan Fagan would like to express their sincere appreciation for your interest in today’s blog post. We post articles like this every single day in order to share some of the knowledge that we can have gained through serving people in our community just like you.

In order to speak to one of our licensed family law attorneys about your case, please do not hesitate to contact us today. A consultation at our office is absolutely free of charge and can go a long way towards helping you better understand your circumstances and how to help your family and yourself.

Curated by Texas Bar Today. Follow us on Twitter @texasbartoday.



Read More –>

Divorce Tip Tuesday: The Aftermath Of Divorce From a Narcissist

Divorce Tip Tuesday: The Aftermath Of Divorce From a Narcissist

/in , , , , /by

The Aftermath Of Divorce From a Narcissist

If you’re divorced from a narcissist you know that the conflict has continued after your divorce was finalized. Divorce doesn’t put an end to the irrational behavior of a narcissist. In fact, divorce ramps it up and causes him to become worse.

And his ramped up narcissistic behavior can have you constantly spinning your wheels, living in a state of increased stress and responding in ways that aren’t healthy for you.

If you don’t learn how to respond to your narcissistic ex’s irrational behavior in a productive way, it can have severe emotional and physical consequences. And, most women don’t know how to respond to and process the constant conflict experienced after divorce from a narcissist.

3 Mistakes Women Make After Divorce From a Narcissist

1. Have Unreasonable Expectations

  • They expect him to be reasonable and rational.
  • They expect him to care about their situation.
  • They expect him to do what is in their children’s best interest.

2. Believe They Can Fix the Problem

Narcissists target empaths, empaths are natural problem solvers and fixers. If you were married to a narcissist you probably spent years trying to fix the problems in the marriage. If you’re divorced from a narcissist, you’ll have the same inherent urge to fix the conflict between the two of you. It is, after all, the way you’re wired. How do “fixers” try to fix the conflict? Below are 2 examples.

  • They justify their position. They believe that if they defend and justify their position on an issue or their needs they will eventually make him understand and “come around.” Nothing could be further from the truth! Trying to get him to understand their point of view on any issue is just added work and stress to an already untenable situation.
  • They roll over and play nice doggy. They believe that if they give respect they will eventually get respect. What they don’t realize is, by playing nice doggy they are showing the narcissistic ex that they are vulnerable…that they need something from him. All this does is open the door for more emotional punches from the narcissist!

3. Fail to Understand the Emotional and Physical Harm Done by His Narcissistic Behavior

Narcissists are conflict generators. In the aftermath of divorce from a narcissist, if a woman doesn’t respond to the narcissist’s behavior in a manner that is healthy for her, she doesn’t have the opportunity to process her emotions and recover before the next onslaught of conflict.

She’ll find herself in a constant state of hypervigilance. She’ll be constantly on guard because she knows he will cause another conflict for her to deal with. She lives her life waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Living in constant state of fear and hypervigilance does both physical and emotional harm to the victim of a narcissist. What she is actually dealing with is trauma on an ongoing basis and, if not relieved can turn into Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

What are the Symptoms of Ongoing Trauma?

Physical

  • Pain disorders
  • Fatigue
  • Somatoform disorders
  • Problems sleeping
  • Menstrual problems
  • Gastrointestinal problems, just to name a few.

Emotional

  • Unhealthy coping strategies. Working too much as a distraction. Using drugs or alcohol to relieve stress.
  • Anxiety and panic attacks.
  • Depression and agitation.
  • Irritability
  • Compulsive/impulsive behaviors

In other words, if a woman isn’t responding to an irrational, narcissistic ex in a healthy manner she’ll end up with far more problems than a bully of an ex.

Below are 4 tips for healthy responses/interactions with a narcissistic ex. 

1. Communicate Via Email Only

No in-person communication, text communication or phone communication! It’s acceptable to nod and say hello if in the presence of the ex but keep all communication about post-divorce issues strictly to email. Doing so gives you written proof should any issues turn into legal problems.

Using email also gives you the opportunity to back away from the computer and not respond immediately. To gather yourself emotionally and your thoughts. Remember, you don’t want to get drawn into conflict, you want to avoid conflict. The best way to do that is keep a rational head and not engage or allow him to push your buttons.

2. Lowered Expectations

If you expect the worst from someone you’re not going to be upset when that is what you receive. Expect NOTHING from a narcissistic ex!

3. Stop Trying to Fix Things

You aren’t MacGyver. You’re not going to be able to fix a problem you aren’t causing no matter how hard you try or how much faith you have in yourself to tackle that task. He is never going to negotiate fairly with you. He is never going to return respect, no matter how much you shower him with. Please, for your own wellbeing, stop believing that if you can only say or do the right thing, he’ll change. He won’t!

4. Check in With Your Emotions

It’s important to stay mindful of your emotional state. If you’re living in a constant state of stress and fear make sure you are doing what needs to be done to take care of yourself emotionally. If you’re feeling overwhelmed you may need something as simple as time away from the kids and stressors, you may need to seek help from a therapist in processing your stress.

When dealing with a narcissist after divorce it’s important that you choose your battles. If you choose wisely you’ll find yourself engaged in very few battles. don’t feed his need to control you via conflict by responding in an unhealthy manner.

For more resources, check out these articles:

The post Divorce Tip Tuesday: The Aftermath Of Divorce From a Narcissist appeared first on Divorced Moms.

Read More –>

How To Let Go Of What Doesn’t Serve You In 2020

How To Let Go Of What Doesn’t Serve You In 2020

/in , , , /by

 

Let 2020 be the breakthrough year of your life, that not only releases you from a painful path but also sets up your True Life – forever.

I want you to have an amazing 2020. And I know that for you to achieve this, you have to let go of all that is no longer serving you.

This can be terrifying! Letting go of familiar outer props, that you have been hanging onto, can feel like you won’t survive or may even die!

In this Thriver TV episode, I share with you exactly why you may still be stuck and hanging onto people and situations which do not serve you and explain how to powerfully and easily let go and clear the space, to allow and accept into your life who and what does serve you.

 

 

Video Transcript

Let’s drill down today. Let’s get very clear on what it takes to make incredible changes in your life.

The first thing you must realise is, to do so, you have to let go of what is not serving you.

This is the most important component if you want to have an extraordinary life, living at your highest potential.

The great news is we now have the processes and the powerful Quantum tools to be able to achieve this – in record time, and in relatively painless ways.

And that’s what this TTV episode is all about – setting up your 2020 to be your best year ever.

Before we get started, I’d like to thank you for subscribing to my channel and supporting the Thriver mission. If you haven’t yet done so, please do, and please make sure that if you enjoy this video that you hit the like button.

Okay, let’s get started on leaving the pain of 2019 behind and creating 2020 as your best year ever!

 

Making the Hard Decisions

I want to get very clear with you. You can’t have your cake and eat it as well. What I mean by this, is this: if you want to create new habits, trajectories, people, situations and opportunities in your life, it is impossible to do this whilst you are still clogged up with the old toxic ones.

Quantum Law is absolute – what you are being is what you are receiving. And what you are being pertains to what and who you are experiencing in your life.

You can’t change what you are experiencing until you change who you are being.

Now here is the important part. Most people think that they can change their being by changing what they do. In some cases this is very true, however, if you have suffered significant trauma, then no amount of doing will generally overcome the triggers of trauma and powerlessness that is dictating the composition of your being.

In fact, it’s like trying to put a cart in front of a horse, because in doing so, you are going to be stuck in the lower toxic levels of how your being is feeling. As this video progresses this will become more and more clear for you.

It’s really important to understand that one of the reasons why it has been terrifying and almost emotionally impossible to give up our poor choices, is because these choices have been attempts to numb out and self-medicate the trauma that we are feeling in our Inner Being.

These choices could be things like eating addictions, smoking, wasting time on social media and binge movie watching, drinking excessive alcohol, and victimised blaming and shaming of others. And a host of unlimited ways that we can use to try to alleviate the inner trauma that we are feeling – including being around toxic people, and even running back into the arms of an abuser.

The truth is to change your life these choices have to go. This is something you need to get very clear about, because, as I said before … you can’t have your cake and eat it as well. You can’t drive a brand-new Ferrari into a garage where a rusty old wreck is blocking its path.

You have to let go of the old order of the life that isn’t serving you, to be able to generate the new order of the life that gloriously will.

 

Letting Go of the Old Order

You may have noticed that when you have tried to let go of something or someone who is not serving you, that inevitably another addiction or destructive choice will become activated in your life.

This is because the inner trauma that is driving your choices of trying to numb out with addictions and distractions, has not been healed yet. Interestingly, the addictive or destructive choices are a direct match for already existing trauma in your Inner Being that has not yet been healed.

Inner toxicity generates external toxic choices. The brain follows the body always.

Most people believe that a person’s outer choices regarding, food, alcohol, drugs, or other unhealthy pastimes is the issue. It isn’t. This is simply a self-medication choice regarding the unmet unhealed trauma that is driving that choice.

When you understand that letting go of the choice for real requires healing the cause of the painful choice, then you can understand why a failure to do that will mean you unconsciously replace it with another destructive choice (like meeting and connecting with another narcissist).

Truly letting go requires going so much deeper than merely attempting to control a symptom. True healing requires turning inwards to access and meet the real reason as to why you have been holding onto things that don’t serve you.

To make 2020 your breakthrough year means that you need to let go of the reasons why you are stuck in self-defeating choices.

By doing so you will be able to eliminate the old order that isn’t serving you, and finally create the space within you to accept and allow the new order to flow fully into your being and life.

The Terrible Addiction to Cigarettes as a Powerful Example

I want to talk to you about my previous addiction with cigarettes. The reason being, this turned out to be my biggest ‘what wasn’t serving me issue’ that I ever had to let go of.

I used to smoke seventy cigarettes a day, and this was even after successfully leaving two narcissists.

I felt helplessly connected to cigarettes. I made copious excuses regarding cigarettes not being mind-altering substances and that somehow, I could preserve my health and fitness even as a heavy smoker. I also used to tell myself that I could be doing much worse things, like still being connected to toxic people.

Yet, I was destroying myself, and nothing that I tried to do to get myself away from cigarettes worked. Not smoking cessation treatments, not hypnosis and not willpower. In fact, no quit program, pill or strategy that I had ever tried was successful for me.

Finally, it dawned on me that this terrible grip of cigarettes actually had nothing to do with cigarettes at all.

Cigarettes were my last outer crutch that I was using to try to give me comfort in regard to some unmet, unhealed trauma within me.

Finally, I knew what to do. I courageously went No Contact with cigarettes. I threw them in the bin and removed all traces connected with them.

I then positioned myself deep in the bunker of my couch and got ready. Previously, if I went without cigarettes for even half an hour I would burst into tears. And of course I did, as soon as the first screaming trauma arose within me that I could no longer use cigarettes to shove back down again.

I breathed, opened my body and fully felt this trauma. I used Quanta Freedom Healing (Module Number One of NARP) to draw all this terrible trauma out of myself, load it up, release it and go free from it.

I brought in Source Energy to replace where the trauma once was (which is the Higher Source component in NARP, which heals what we logically can’t heal) and continued to do so each and every time a trauma arose within me.

I went nowhere and saw nobody. I resided on my couch, wailing out these wounds, until finally after three days none remained.

I emerged exhausted, yet completely empty of any urge for a cigarette. I finally felt whole within my Inner Being without them. I have never capitulated and have not had one since. I have never had any urges or desire to have one. In fact, the thought of a cigarette completely and utterly repulses me and always has from that day forward.

Why?

The reason is simple – because I no longer have the existing inner traumas that required self-medicating with cigarettes. And what the main trauma was, was a terrible loneliness and terror, a belief that ‘no-one is coming to help me or save me’.

Cigarettes had been my dummy. They had been my crutch, something in my mouth as my connection to ‘something’, to know that I was not alone when this trauma was activated.

Of course, this trauma had been activated! I had been narcissistically abused and had felt incredibly isolated and unsupported within it.

The trauma of ‘no one is coming’ had actually been in my DNA from birth. I was born with it. It had been deep traumatic past life experiences as well as genetic beliefs that I had taken on from my ancestors, as well as the collective human experience. I had also experienced these traumas in childhood.

As a result of needing to stop smoking cigarettes in order to save my life, thankfully I was able to release myself from the real issue – this terrible existing trauma and painful belief that had been wedged in my Inner Being for eons.

One that had not only kept me stuck in a self-destructive pattern of toxic self-medicating but also a trauma pattern of attracting people or loneliness that was the exact match for the painful belief of ‘no one is coming’.

I hope you are understanding that the exact same healing premise goes for any unhealthy situation, person and choice that you are struggling to give up. There is a reason that you are doing this.

I promise you that the traumas holding in place your compulsions to stay attached to things that are not serving you are deep and primal and powerful. And until you know how to find them and remove them from your Inner Being, they well have incredible power over you.

 

Trying to Think Yourself Into the New Order Doesn’t Work

The old way of trying to let go of, and change our choices that are not serving us, can be incredibly painful and arduous. This requires intense willpower that usually isn’t sustainable.

When you understand how your emotional choices are created, you know that they are all to do with feelings. Not what you are thinking. Our logical brain is not connected with our limbic and emotional centres. Our logical brain is the servant not the master of these centres.

This is why when we have traumatic belief systems driving us to self-medicate with unhealthy choices, we can come up with all sorts of excuses to justify our behaviour. This is the perfect example of the brain following the body and being a servant to it.

We may say, ‘Just one more time, this will be my last’, ‘I’ll get started on this tomorrow’, ‘It’s okay that I gave in and did this, at some point, I will stop myself from doing it’ or, of course, we may just beat ourselves up mercilessly and hope that by blaming and shaming ourselves, we can somehow get ourselves into shape.

Tomorrow never comes. The state of your Inner Being is the state of your Inner Being, and the power of your Inner Being and traumatic beliefs are Almighty.

Your emotional limbic system controls forty billion bits per second in regard to the processing centres of you that creates your life. This means your feelings and thoughts and choices regarding who and what you will include in your life experience, and who or what will be drawn from the external towards you to fulfil your life experience.

In comparison, your logical brain only has the power to influence forty bits per second.

I hope that this puts things totally in perspective for you. If you are trying to overcome your addictive painful and powerless choices that have come about as a result of trauma accumulating in your Inner Being, with mere thinking, then it is likely that you are fighting a fruitless battle.

It may feel near impossible to let go of the people, patterns and things that are not serving you. Even if you desperately want to, because these things have been hurting you all of your life.

 

Shifting Through Your Breakdowns to Breakthroughs Quickly and Painlessly

I hope you understand by now that the true solution to let go, and change your life, is to meet and shift your inner trauma that has been generating your painful choices.

How can you do this?

You need to use an effective tool that can access your subconscious and load up your trauma energy and release it from your being, just as you would remove a rusty old wreck from a garage before you drive your new Ferrari into it.

Because if you don’t, the best you will ever get is trying to manage and create a new program in your life, whilst the old existing trauma is still having its way with you. It just doesn’t work!

This is where body healing modalities come into their own power. They are effective, and much more powerful for treating trauma symptoms and programs than any research, learning or cognitive or logical therapy ever will be.

You may wish to access things like Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT), kinesiology or the like, or you may simply go straight to the source of my Quantum Healing Program, known as NARP, which has been more effective for healing people from traumatic relationships than any other healing tool I know of on this planet.

And I say that humbly, this is exactly what the real-life evidence states.

 

Shifting Yourself Powerfully Into the New Order

To implement a new order of the life that you want, it is much easier and more direct to work on your Inner Being directly by releasing the responsible trauma out of it. Then filling the space where that was with Source Energy – which is life force, creation, God, your higher self, your superconscious, whatever a Higher Power means to you.

This heals what you logically can’t and means that you quickly and powerfully integrate what you haven’t been able to resolve yet.

The shifts are astounding and somatically felt in your body as real.

You literally emerge within minutes from the person who you were being, into the person who now is aligned with the healthy choices on the topic in question.

In no way does the shift take you decades of therapy. It is a complete false premise that healing yourself requires going through such a logical, minutely incremental, and often completely ineffectual system.

Letting go of what doesn’t serve you, and becoming what does, have absolutely nothing to do with learning anything new. The truth is you can only achieve your True Self and True Life, by unlearning all the traumas and the false beliefs that you have taken on. You can only do this by effectively releasing them out of your being, by letting them go.

Which you will easily achieve when you adopt a higher healing technology, that has been a much-needed upgrade for our human condition for a very long time.

I hope that you are getting excited about the truth, that you have the ability to let go of your previous painful patterns through the breakdown of the old order into the breakthrough of the new.

This new order is your natural and true state; it is who you are already programmed and coded to be without the infection of your inner traumas.

Your Higher Power wants for you, your Highest and Best expression of your life – meaning the only life that would truly gratify you. The components of your True Self and True Life – these things are seeking you as much as you are seeking them.

They are merely waiting for you to release the rusted old wreck that was in your garage, to clear the space to accept the divine entering of your Ferrari.

Do you want to start accessing the shifts, out of your old order, into your new one, quickly and powerfully?

If you do, and you want to access my powerful system to do this, as well as an incredible support community that will help you all the way, you can do this by clicking the link at the top right of this video.

And by doing so, you have taken a step directly onto the path of completely resurrecting your 2020 as your new year and not only that … your new life.

One that enters new trajectories that you simply couldn’t access before and bears no resemblance to the life that you left behind.

It is my greatest joy and mission to show you how to do this, just as I have done for every aspect of my life that was holding me back and hurting me – including abusive people, addictions and terrible patterns and choices.

If you really get this and want to go free, and come with me, then write below, ‘It’s my time, I deserve this, I can and will claim my new life in 2020’.

Let’s take a stand together, okay? To access my Quantum Healing Program NARP which will shift you from what is not serving you, to what totally is, please click the link at the top right of this video.

And I just want to say I’m sending you so much love for this holiday period and New Year.

2020 is going to be the best year ever for us Thrivers. Especially those of us consistently NARPing.

And for those of you already NARPing, looking for your next empowering, expansion steps, look out for the new upgraded Version 2 of my Empowered Self Course.

It’s coming real soon!

Happy New Year!

 

Read More –>

build emotional intimacy

8 Questions That Help Build Emotional Intimacy In Relationships

/in , , , , , /by

build emotional intimacy

 

Part of being human means having emotional needs.

We want to be loved and to give love.

We want to feel we belong and have a sense of purpose. We want to feel self-esteem and respect from others.

These are some of the most common needs, but individuals have emotional needs unique to them. In a healthy relationship, both of you understand the other’s primary emotional needs, and you both work to respond to them because you love and respect your partner.

In order to get your emotional needs met in a relationship, you should discuss those needs with your relationship partner. It’s imperative that you each know the other’s emotional needs in order to meet those needs.

Below are questions that you and your partner can use to open up a line of communication about emotional needs. What they are, whether they are being met and, if not, what needs to change.

Questions That Help Build Emotional Intimacy In Relationships

1. Am I responsive enough to your emotional needs?

We can’t expect anyone person to meet all our emotional needs, even our love partners. Sometimes we have needs that are beyond the scope of any one person to handle.

But we can ask our partners to be responsive to our needs and to honor them. There are some emotional needs your partner might be happy and willing to meet, but he or she is simply not aware of them. It’s your job to enlighten your partner.

There might be needs that they aren’t able to meet. Discuss the emotional needs you have where you’d like more from your partner. Speak honestly and specifically about what you are each willing to offer the other, and discuss alternatives for getting your needs met without your partner if necessary.

2. What should I say to you when I need more from you emotionally?

It’s hard to hear the words, “I need more from you. I need more love, more affection, more respect, and more intimacy.” We all want to feel like we’re enough, that we are appreciated and accepted for all that we do and give to our partners.

But you can’t intuit all your partner’s needs, and you might not be able to understand or relate to some of them. Even so, your partner should feel comfortable expressing those needs and asking you to respond to them. How can you make that request safe and easy for your partner?

3. Do I give you enough emotional space?

One of your emotional needs might be autonomy and freedom. Perhaps you need less emotionally than your spouse does. Needing emotional space doesn’t mean you don’t want to be intimate or close with your partner.

You can balance the need for closeness with the desire for space. Ask each other if you have enough emotional space. If not, exactly what kind of space do you need, and how can your partner support you in this need?

4. What could I do to make you feel more understood?

Even if we can’t meet all of our partner’s emotional needs, we can strive to empathize with him or her. We can listen and show we care. We can acknowledge the efforts at meeting his or her own needs (for self-esteem or independence, for example) or in reaching out to another support person to help.

We can let our partners know they aren’t in this alone, and that we acknowledge and understand their feelings and desires.

5. Do you feel free to express your emotions with me?

Some of us are more expressive with our feelings than others. We laugh and cry easily and have little difficulty saying what we feel. Others don’t feel so free to express emotion, especially painful emotions.

Or we might express our feelings in unhealthy ways, such as anger or withdrawal. In a love relationship, we need to feel safe expressing our deepest emotions, especially those that are painful or shameful.

We need to know that our loved one will treat our feelings tenderly, without judgment or criticism. Find out from your partner whether or not he or she is completely at ease with you in expressing emotions. If not, what is holding him or her back?

6. Do you have any negative emotions about our relationship you need to express?

We might hold back when expressing our emotions because we fear the reaction of our partners. Maybe they will be hurt or angry. Maybe they won’t understand. Maybe they’ll diminish how we feel.

If either of you are harboring negative emotions about the relationship, you need to discuss these and get to the root cause. When communicating negative emotions, speak kindly and constructively. When listening, set aside defensiveness. If negativity exists for one of you, it is an issue you both need to resolve.

7. What from your past has shaped your emotional needs and reactions?

So many of our emotional reactions and triggers are shaped by our childhood experiences. How you were parented and the environment in which you grew up can have a profound effect on your emotional well-being as an adult.

Your significant other can’t fully understand you and your needs until he or she knows something about how the past has shaped your outlook and behaviors. Share with each other the positive and negative events that have contributed to your particular emotional needs.

Would you consider yourself a highly sensitive person, and if so, how can I support you?

A highly sensitive person (HSP) is one who feels things more keenly than the average person. You notice more subtleties in the environment, feel overwhelmed by too much sensory input, and are easily affected by other people’s moods.

You have a rich inner life and enjoy creative pursuits. You also need time alone to recharge and get relief from too much stimulation. Highly sensitive people are extremely conscientious and try hard to please others.

If one or both of you are highly sensitive, you will need to have a special understanding of the traits of HSPs and what they need in order to feel comfortable and thrive. This is particularly true for the non-sensitive, as many of the HSP traits might seem overly sensitive or needy. However, this trait is perfectly normal and has many positive qualities. Find out how your highly sensitive partner needs your understanding and support.

8. What other ways do you have for dealing with your emotions if I feel overwhelmed by them?

When emotions run high during conflict or during times of difficulty or pain, both partners might be flooded with emotion and have little reserve to offer each other. If you are accustomed to turning to your spouse or partner for emotional support, then you need an alternative plan when you are both feeling overwhelmed.

If one of you loses a job, there’s a death in the family, or you have financial difficulties, you both might need outside support to see you through. What is your emotional back-up plan if your partner can’t handle your emotions in a particular situation?

The post 8 Questions That Help Build Emotional Intimacy In Relationships appeared first on Divorced Moms.

Read More –>

Gaslighting: How To Demystify And Protect Yourself From The Narcissist’s Smoke-Screen

Gaslighting: How To Demystify And Protect Yourself From The Narcissist’s Smoke-Screen

/in , , /by

 

Gaslighting is a term that most abuse communities are very familiar with.

But what does it mean?

How does it affect people?

Why is gaslighting so hard to identify, and so mentally and emotionally damaging?

How can you get clear that you are being gaslit, remove and protect yourself and recover from its insidious effects?

The answers to these questions are very important because if you are being abused, there is every chance that you are being gaslit.

 

The Origins of the Word Gaslighting

If you are not sure what the expression ‘gaslighting’ means, Wikipedia describes it like this – a  form of manipulation that seeks to sow seeds of doubt in a targeted individual or members of a group, hoping to make targets question their own memory, perception, and sanity.

The term owes its origin to a 1938 play called Gas Light and its 1944 film adaptation.

Gaslighting is commonly used by toxic and abusive individuals to diminish others, which often means close intimates or other people who they wish to gain control over, as well as punish.

Let’s examine how this gaslighting plays out.

 

The Main Tactic of Gaslighting – Confusion

If you are feeling confusion regarding what is real and what isn’t real, there is a good chance that you are being gaslit.

An example of this would be that you have a conversation with someone and you know what was actually said. Then this person, as narcissists often do when confronted, flatly denies ever saying it at all, and will tell you that you completely misheard what was said.

You know you didn’t, yet, you start to doubt yourself. You believe there is a possibility you misheard things. Worse still, you might begin to think that you are losing your mind. After all, this person is apparently so convinced that you are wrong.

Confusions of this type are an incredibly common occurrence with an abuser, and this is only the beginning of how far it can go and how devastating gaslighting can be.

The following is a classic example of how gaslighting can take place. Tracy, one of my clients, experienced a situation of confusion and horrific punishment through the use of gaslighting.

This lady’s mother had very recently died, and friends and family gathered at her home in deep commiseration together. Her narcissistic husband was incensed because the attention wasn’t on him.

Tracy had too much to drink in her state of deep grief, and when she woke up the next morning her husband was gone. He went missing for three days with his phone turned off.

When he returned, he told Tracy that she was seen in the kitchen kissing her own male cousin. He said that he wasn’t the only one who caught her out, and there were other family members who were also disgusted by her actions.

Tracy was mortified. She was drunk that night, she couldn’t remember. She was horrified thinking she may have done it, even though she had never felt any attraction or romantic inclination towards her cousin.

In our Quanta Freedom Healing session together, we shifted out not only the grief of losing Tracy’s mother but also the terrible trauma of her husband’s accusation.

Because the terrible feelings had shifted out of her Inner Being, Tracy got very clear about showing up in integrity and confronting these allegations. She contacted people who were present at the house that evening. When Tracy told people what her husband had said, they were shocked. They told her that she had done nothing of the kind, and that her husband’s mood and behaviour towards her that night had been totally unsupportive and horrible.

This is the thing when we’re not in our power, we recoil in shame and don’t check out the facts. Tracy’s husband had not expected her to do that. When she confronted him about his abusive behaviour he quickly changed to the next gaslighting tactic, ‘Of course people aren’t going to admit what they saw, it’s too disgusting’, and ‘Not only should I leave you for what you did but why would I stay with a wife who believes other people’s lies instead of her own husband?’

Of course, this threw Tracy into an even worse spin. That’s exactly what gaslighting is all about.

Gaslighting truly is an incredibly malicious tactic. It’s used to punish people by stripping their power and getting them to distrust themselves. It’s also about destroying a person’s own character to themselves and anyone else who will listen.

And sadly, many outside people do listen. Most decent people have been conditioned to believe that when another adult looks them in the eyes and says something horrible about another person, that it must be true.

In this case, Tracy’s narcissistic husband told joint friends and work colleagues his twisted version of what she did that night. Most of these people believed him, including him purporting she had cheated on him numerous times previously.

So, what was his motivation for doing this?

Hurting Tracy – pure and simple. Taking out his rage on her because that evening he couldn’t regulate narcissistic supply and be the centre of attention.

It is important to understand that narcissists will use the tactic of gaslighting to fulfil any agenda necessary for him or her to feed the False Self, or punish someone who hasn’t adequately done so.

 

When to Suspect You Are Being Gaslit

Being gaslit is probable if you are facing mind-bending confusion with one specific person in your life.

In other words, if you don’t suffer confusing accusations, information and conversations with other people, this is generally a very strong indication that you are being abused by the person that it is happening with.

If there is no real evidence regarding the information you are being told and if you believe that it was a different version of the events being presented, and especially if the confusing times happen on a regular basis, there is a good possibility that you are being gaslit.

If this person is often unkind, unsupportive, envious, pathologically jealous or prone to try to sabotage your interests and happiness, and takes umbrage when life is not all about him or her, make no mistake – the confusing times are gaslighting episodes.

Gaslighting is cruel – it’s conscienceless – it’s malicious. And it defies what we would like to believe humans are capable of doing.  Truly, only a pathologically disordered person is capable of doing it.

 

The Parts of You Susceptible to Being Gaslit

Your emancipation from being gaslit is to realise first of all that anybody who is hurting you is not healthy for you – regardless of what they are saying or doing.

When situations are confusing, you may not be able to make logical sense of what is going on. This is normal. However, when you go inside and start addressing what is being triggered within your Inner Identity with my Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program (NARP), you will get to the core of the problem.

These are the unhealed parts of yourself which are susceptible to being lied to, manipulated, twisted and confused.

If you have been susceptible to being scapegoated and blamed when you were little or told that whatever you did was never good enough, or parented with guilt tactics, or told how bad and worthless you were, then all of these original traumas can make you highly susceptible to being gaslit.

If you have struggled to trust yourself and believed that other people have more power, jurisdiction or better skills at organising your life than you do, then you are also highly susceptible to being lied to and manipulated through gaslighting.

Gaslighting is one of the narcissistic tactics that prey on our already existing gaps – the parts of ourselves that haven’t been healed and shored up yet – meaning we hand over our rights and value to another person’s opinion of us.

We can easily fall for this, especially if we have a terror of persecution and being criticised rejected, abandoned or punished by those who don’t believe we are a good person.

If you believe that your love, approval, security and survival depends on a key person’s thoughts and feelings about you, then the more they maliciously gaslight you, the more you will cling to them trying to fix their version of you, and to get safety and clarity from them.

Yet, you can’t create sanity out of insanity. Trying to is a dangerous recipe to potentially go fully insane.

You may even capitulate, apologise and hand your values, rights and boundaries away to retain this person in your life, trying to make them love you. Not only does this not work, it will leave you drastically devastated and diminished, and you will become more and more unwell.

 

How Do You Heal and Become Impervious to Being Gaslit?

I promise you that when you heal your susceptibilities to abuse, you will never be gaslit again.

In the case of Tracy, when her husband started smashing her with continued gaslighting tactics – threatening to abandon her due to her purported adulterous behaviour and betrayal of him – understandably she was hit with further doubt and panic.

Yet, rather than caving in to him, and handing her power over even further, Tracy went inside herself with Quanta Freedom Healing (NARP) and targeted these intense traumas that were activated within her Inner Being.

The belief systems and original traumas that were at the core of Tracy’s susceptibility to believing him, were how she was scapegoated as a child. These were the unhealed traumas of how she was blamed for her father’s dysfunctional and abusive behaviour. As a child she had taken the blame and the shame on for her father.

Thank goodness that with NARP processes, Tracy was able to load up her original childhood traumas, and release and replace them.

It was then that she anchored into her power and truth.

No more was she a broken little scapegoated girl in an adult woman’s body. Rather, Tracy had clarity and knew that her narcissistic husband was abusing her, was unsupportive and pathological, and that this behaviour was no longer a match for what she wanted or deserved in her life.

This was the beginning of the end of the relationship.

She took action to get a solicitor, moved out and her husband was blindsided regarding her newfound power. She was no longer scared of him, tiptoeing around him or handing him her power.

He then switched to love bombing, apologising and trying to win her back. This predictably triggered her feelings of guilt and obligation and wanting to try to fix things. (Which were other unhealed traumas that had taken place between Tracy and her father during her childhood).

The triggered painful feelings meant that there was just more stuff to heal!

Fortunately, when Tracy was close to capitulating, rather than reconnecting with him, she went inside again with the NARP healings and shifted out the parts of her that were triggered. These were the parts of her that had previously given abusive people repeat chances, time and time again. But finally, Tracy felt impervious and unmoved by her husband’s crocodile tears and false promises.

Now, who he was and what he stood for no longer appealed to her in any shape or form.

Because of being unmoved by him, within six months she received her settlement and he was fully out of her life.

The truth was that Tracy’s emotional attachment and trauma symptoms were healed and finished many months before this.

Such is the case for all of us, when we finally heal the original traumas that the narcissist is presenting as the current evidence in our life. This is because we have awakened, healed and reset our Inner Identity and relationship code to one that no longer matches the abuse that the narcissist in our life delivers.

I promise you the same will be true for you.

Tracy, just like so many of us (myself included) who were gaslit, became a confident, solid human, anchored into her own Inner Being with self-value.

When you have released the trauma that has made you susceptible to being gaslit and shift into your True Self on this topic, you will finally be free of this hideous and malicious form of manipulation.

Okay, so … I dearly hope that this article has helped grant you clarity and power. I also hope that it has given you a roadmap to get up and out of the pain and susceptibility to being abused by someone else’s malicious tactics – otherwise known as gaslighting.

If you know it’s time for you to get serious about healing your original traumas so that you can escape abuse and enter a true, healthy life where you are treated with respect, then it may be time for you to take the next step and start my NARP program.

This holiday time could be the perfect opportunity for you to get serious about healing your Inner Identity and getting relief, clarity and your power back very quickly.

You can get this process started today right here.

And as always, I am so looking forward to our discussion on this topic below.

 

Read More –>

narcissistic men fear the most

10 Things That Narcissistic Men Fear The Most

/in , , , , , /by

narcissistic men fear the most

 

Narcissists are not brave individuals. Despite their puffed up chest, they are scared little paper tigers that can easily be blown away by anyone who catches wind of their antics.

In this article, I will go over 10 things narcissists hate & fear the most.

I think you will find that their fears and hatred are comical in nature, as well as outstandingly pathetic.

10 Things Narcissistic Men Fear the Most

1. Shame

Shame is unpleasant for everyone but for the narcissist, it’s absolutely horrifying. The main reason is that shame could negatively impact his reputation and give him a lower status in his social circle.

Since narcissists live for being admired and their pride is of great importance doing something that could make the narcissist look bad in the eyes of others or make them feel ashamed is one of the most dreaded experiences for them.

2. Rejection

The narcissist usually puts on a mask so that they can be accepted and liked by others. They wouldn’t admit that anyone could be put off by their egotistic character.

If a person decides to leave the narcissist’s life, the latter will take it personally and will surely try to bring the other person back.

However, if they don’t succeed they’ll probably start slandering about their former friend.

The reason for such a behavior is that behind the narcissist’s fake attitude lies a frightened, little soul who is terrified that they aren’t good enough, but they would never say it openly. They’ll be likely to do whatever it takes to keep their reputation.

3. Failure

Narcissists fear failure or being outshined. They just can’t accept there’s someone out there who’s better than them. On top of that, if a narcissist can’t achieve their goal, they will always blame someone else about it, even if it is obvious that it’s entirely their fault.

They usually blame their closest people to have hindered them from succeeding. This is actually the only way to feel a bit better about their failure.

4. Getting Called Out on Their Lies

Narcissists are famous for lying or exaggerating certain things to make themselves appear more important or impressive. They also do this to make themselves feel better about their own standing in society.

So it’s only logical that one of a narcissists’ greatest fears is having those lies and exaggerations exposed. It’s not just that getting called out would bring them shame, or show them as less than what they are – it’s the fact that it reveals to the world how weak and insecure they really are.

It brings their whole fake world crashing down around them, and as already stated, narcissists think the world revolves around them. And while they are spinning their lies and exaggerations about their own accomplishments, part of them knows deep down that they’re stretching the truth. And from the minute they start telling these lies, they become incredibly paranoid about the fact that someone might one day uncover them. 

5. Feeling Remorse 

Another key characteristic of narcissism is the inability to feel remorse. It’s not just that they can’t feel remorse, it’s that they actively refuse to show remorse. This fierce rejection of the very notion of feeling bad about hurting others is indicative of very deep fear.

It’s a total denial of remorse. And why do they fear remorse so much? It’s simple. To them, remorse is a characteristic of weakness. Remorse, to them, shows vulnerability and emotional frailty. And to feel remorse is to open yourself up to that weakness.

Remorse is also in its basest form the acceptance that you have made a mistake. And for proud and haughty individuals such as narcissists, this can be unthinkable. More than that – it can be a major source of fear. Remorse is also a way of apologizing, and this is also unthinkable for self-aggrandizing people with narcissistic traits.

6. Feeling Gratitude

Another feeling that narcissists reject and fear is gratitude. Gratitude, like remorse, is another emotion that is perceived as a sign of weakness by people who are narcissistic. To the narcissist, gratitude is in a sense giving other people power over yourself.

It’s the acceptance that you owe something to someone. It also forces you to come to terms with the fact that you might have needed someone else’s help. To narcissistic people, they think of themselves as these all-powerful beings that rise far above others in superiority.

The acceptance that someone else did something valuable for them brings them crashing back down to earth. The notion that someone else gave them something they needed not only puts them on the same level as others, it also makes them feel like they’re weaker, or lower down on the social ladder. And this is one of the narcissistic man’s greatest fears.

7. Public Humiliation

When a narcissist feels that he’s losing face or failing at something in front of an audience, it creates a lot of psychological distress and cognitive dissonance. Narcissists are unable to tolerate failure of any sort and public humiliation is considered the worst type of failure that could happen.

A narcissist’s ego is an extremely fragile thing and when he feels he is being laughed at or is losing the respect of others, it can be tremendously upsetting. The narcissist’s ego is the only protection they have from the world and when their ego integrity is breached, narcissists often respond in ways that seem markedly out of proportion to the circumstances for average people.

Unfortunately, the ego of a narcissist is already so inflated that they never focus on self-growth when in relationships. Their own self-assessment of their worth and value confirm to them that they are already significantly evolved and accomplished.

They are unable to fathom why a partner may be disappointed in their behavior or in the relationship. By being so out-of-touch with the realities of relationships, their reaction to the dissatisfaction of their partners is driven by fear.

8. Abandonment and rejection.

Narcissists are afraid of being rejected or abandoned. That’s why they fly into rages and punish and threaten you if you threaten to leave them, and love bomb you if you do manage to get away.

To reject a narcissist means you are rejecting the false self they have so carefully constructed to impress you. To reject that false self negates their entire reason for existing since whatever true self they may have left is completely inaccessible to them and the false self cannot survive on its own; it’s completely dependent on the approval and attention of others, who it feeds from like a vampire.

When you reject a narcissist they are forced to confront their own emptiness and nothing scares them more than that. They will fight tooth and nail to avoid it, even if it means they have to destroy you in the process.

9. Being ignored.

This is a no-brainer. Ignoring a narcissist means giving them no supply at all, and without narcissistic supply, the narcissist dies a slow death. Or believes they will.

That’s why some narcissists would even rather being hated to being ignored. Negative attention is still attention, and at least it provides an acknowledgment that they still exist.

When you ignore a narcissist, it’s as frightening to them as being killed. They’re no longer confident they exist without your attention.

10. Exposure.

Exposing a narcissist and their false lives cause deep anger in them. Their anger might be expressed in rage or in more covert means such as the silent treatment or gaslighting you. They don’t like to be held accountable for the things they do to others, because that means they have to admit they are less than perfect.

It also means they have to acknowledge the humanity of someone else, which they aren’t capable of doing. Narcissists are all too aware of their imperfections, but only at the subconscious level, and the way they handle this is to project their own imperfections onto you.

So a narcissist might tell you that YOU are the narcissistic one, or that YOU are the abuser. They’re also good at getting others to side against you, and those people become their flying monkeys. They will accuse you of doing things that they themselves have done and everyone believes them and not you.

The post 10 Things That Narcissistic Men Fear The Most appeared first on Divorced Moms.

Read More –>

DivorcedMoms Top 10 Articles From 2019

DivorcedMoms Top 10 Divorce Articles From 2019

/in , , , , , , , , , , , , , , /by

DivorcedMoms Top 10 Articles From 2019

 

We’ve rounded up DivorcedMoms top 10 divorce articles from the year, with expert advice on narcissism, psychological abuse, divorce and teens, the family court system and more.

What kind of divorce resources are you interested in? If we’ve not covered it here, leave a comment and let us know.

DivorcedMoms Top 10 Divorce Articles From 2019

1. What can you expect from a narcissist during a relationship?

A lot of heartache! In other words, if it ‘s respect, consideration for your feelings and needs you desire, it’s best to keep your expectations low.

“While you may not be physically hit or physically abused in a relationship with a narcissist, your heart will be broken 10,000 times. Even if you think you are a “strong” person and can handle it; your strength is not really strength, but rather, denial.

“The following list is not exhaustive, but it is informative. If you’ve been in a relationship with a narcissist you’ll recognize them all. If you’re presently in a relationship with a narcissist, buckle up because you’ll eventually experience them all.”

Read the full article here and dive deeper into our resources on narcissism and personality disorders here.

2. Teens often refuse to visit a father during visitation, what should you do?

There are many teens who have difficult relationships with a father. There are also teens who have friends, an active social life and better things to do than hang with parents. If you’re faced with a teen who doesn’t want to spend time with their father, what you do would be based on the situation.

“Michael and Jennifer have been amicably divorced for six years. They have three children ages 6-14. As outlined in their final decree of divorce they split custody of the children on a 60/40 basis. The children are with Jennifer 60% of the time, with Michael, 40% of the time.

“Until recently this arrangement worked well for both the parents and children. Jennifer worked weekends as a Registered Nurse and felt secure knowing her children were with their father and well cared for.

“Michael traveled with his job during the week and worried less about his children knowing they were safe and sound with their mother. The children benefited from the quantity and quality of time with both parents.

“Problems started when their oldest child became a teenager. Craig turned 14 and became less and less interested in spending Friday through Sunday night with his father.”

Read the full article here and the rest of our resources on teens and divorce here.

3. Family courts are ill equipped to protect women during and after a high conflict divorce.

Not only women but women’s children. Women deal with lawyers, judges, therapists, and court-appointed experts who are less than knowledgeable when it comes to the damage an ex with a personality disorder can cause.

“My divorce was tame compared to some. There were no domestic abuse issues, no custody battle issues; we went our separate ways with no physical harm done. I can’t say the same about emotional harm but, as I learned the Family Court System is ill-equipped to handle the conflict created when a man has a personality disorder or is hell-bent on using the system to punish their ex.

“As a matter of fact, it is my opinion the Family Court System is ill-equipped to protect anyone whose divorce is high conflict. Judges, Attorneys, Psychologists, and other court-appointed personnel EXPECT divorce to be one size fits all and when it isn’t lack the skills to support civility. What you get are platitudes and an attitude that if you are engaged with an ex who creates conflict you must be playing a role in the conflict also.”

Read the full article here and check out our resources on high conflict divorce here.

4. If you’re divorcing a narcissist, you’ll want to get ready for the reality of co-parenting with a narcissist.

Narcissists don’t’ co-parent, they counter-parent. Even if it’s in the best interest of their children, they will thwart your desires every step of the way.

“Co-parenting with a narcissist is like being the tin man from the wizard of oz, having motion sickness, on the downward spiral of a roller coaster, with a loose harness, after eating ice cream and 5 corn dogs – doing the tango with a peg leg and an eye patch all the while sewing back together and re-stuffing down feathered pillows your dog chewed up and scattered throughout the back forty – it’s freaking difficult!!”

Read the full article here and other resources about children and co-parenting here.

5. Fathers have a right to equal parenting time. The problem is most don’t follow through with their desire for equal parenting time.

We all hear about how the courts are biased against fathers when it comes to child custody. Men, especially hear such nonsense from men’s rights groups. When you go into court believing the deck is stacked against you, you’re less likely to fight for what you want.

“Before and during the divorce process each parent has the same legal right to custody of a child. Mothers and fathers are on legal standing until one or the other gives up or is denied full custody rights.

“What does this mean? It is complicated! Even more complicated if you don’t know your state’s child custody laws. Bottom line, until you have signed a custody agreement or a judge has handed down a custody opinion, each parent has the same legal rights when it comes to where a child lives, who the child lives with and anything regarding the child.

“I’ve found that most fathers do not have a clear understanding of their legal divorce rights where the children are involved. “

Read the full article here and check out our resources on child custody here.

6. What does more damage to relationships than codependency? Not much. Here’s our tongue-in-cheek look at codependency.

I’m codependent no more! You’re codependent no more! Oh wait, I see some drama over there that requires my attention.

“According to Melody Beattie, author of Codependent No More, “As professionals began to understand codependency better, more groups of people seem to have it. Adult children of alcoholics, people in relationships with emotionally disturbed people, people in relationships with irresponsible people and people in relationships with abusive people.”

“Basically, a codependent is a person who gives more in a relationship than they get and holds onto the hope that their partner will change. Codependents enable, make excuses and make the relationship problems worse due to their inability to care more for themselves than they do their relationship partner or, the relationship.”

Read the full article here and take a look at our other resources on codependency here.

7. Defiance of court orders by men; it happens often but what’s done about it?

My ex defied every aspect of our final divorce decree. EVERY ASPECT. It’s common practice for some men to be defiant and not believe orders handed down by the court apply to them. So, what happens to them? In my case, nothing. He got away with it over and over again.

“Over the years, I’ve spoken to many women whose ex-husbands were defying divorce court orders to pay child support. What most of them have learned when they take their ex back to court for contempt is that judges rarely throw a deadbeat in jail. They threaten to do so, but in my opinion, it isn’t often that a judge will follow through on a threat.

“Not enforcing a court order undermines a woman’s ability to care for her children. For some reason though, a judge seems more concerned with how being jailed will negatively affect a deadbeat father. It isn’t only child support orders that aren’t enforced — in the Family Court System, it’s any order.”

Read the full article here and our resources on divorce and an irrational ex here.

8. Narcissists are emotional and psychologically abusive. If married and divorced one, you’ll spend time wondering why.

Why do they do the damaging things they do? That’s what I wondered and spent time researching when my ex and I went through a divorce. All we want is understanding but, does understanding help?

“If we’ve been hurt by someone we love it’s only natural to want to find understanding in what happened. We believe that if we can only understand our pain will lessen.

“So, whether you’re a therapist, researcher or victim, there is an interest in knowing why the narcissist emotionally and psychologically abuses.

“There are many theories. Probably as many theories about why the narcissist is narcissistic as there are people wondering why.”

Read the full article here and our resources on healing from narcissistic abuse here.

9. Psychologically abusive relationships rob you of your ability to trust in yourself to make proper choices and have faith in yourself.

Gaslighting, belittling, demeaning, undermining are just a few tactics used by a psychological abuser. When you’ve been on the receiving end of those tactics for years it only makes sense that you’ll lose faith in your ability to make choices that are in your best interest.

“Many assume it is simply the idea of breaking up a family that keeps us in the cycle of abuse. But I am here to say … no… that is not what made me stay.

“Forgive me as my ability to express myself in writing has never been my strong suit… but here goes.

“We stay because we have been controlled and manipulated to believe that we have no other viable options. There are often elements of financial control among a lot of other seemingly simple reasons that keep us in “it”. But they are not simple…not simple at all.

“I can only speak on my own behalf here, but I suspect that others will be able to relate on some level.”

Read the full article here and learn more from our resources on psychological and emotional abuse here.

10. Everyone’s story is different but when dealing with a narcissist, you can bet they all include damage done to children.

Narcissistic fathers discount the damage they do to their children during and after divorce. They view their children, not as an extension of themselves but as pawns to be used in their fight for control over a woman they feel stands in their way of having total control. If you’ve divorced a narcissist, you’re familiar with the damage they do to children.

“There is nothing more heart wrenching than having no recourse against someone who is doing grave emotional harm to your children. If a stranger had done what their father did, I would have had recourse. But, since it was their father, the family court system turned a blind eye to his behavior.

“It started from the beginning, the very beginning before I even knew there would be a divorce.

“I’m sharing this information in bullet points in order to keep my thoughts straight and not running together. We’ve been divorced for nearly 2 decades, there is no way I can share the entire story but, these are issues I remember as being the most damaging.”

Read the full article here and more about Maddie Grace here.

The post DivorcedMoms Top 10 Divorce Articles From 2019 appeared first on Divorced Moms.

Read More –>