The Secrets A Narcissist Will Lose Their Mind Over If You Found Out

The Secrets A Narcissist Will Lose Their Mind Over If You Found Out

Narcissists are very secretive. They truly enjoy hiding the truth from others because it gives them a sense of superiority.

Internally they think and feel one thing while externally they are trying to convince you of the exact opposite.

They will do what it takes to keep their little, and big, lies from you because they want you to believe who they present to be.

In fact their narcissistic drivers are all agenda-based and are designed to feed the False Self and fictitious character they have created.

I’ve got lots to share with you on this and I’m sure you’ll find this Thriver TV truly useful because I go through the main sinister truths narcissists are hiding from you as well as the life remedies to counter them and the healing shifts to eliminate them from your life forever.

Find out exactly what actions to take and how to powerfully target your healings.

 

 

Video Transcript

Today, I want to take you through the things that narcissists hide from you. These are the sinister truths that they don’t want you to know before getting into a relationship with you, because literally if you did know these things, you would never sign up for this.

Importantly, I’m also going to give you the real life remedies to this and the healing shifts for this as well. Okay, let’s check this out.

 

I Don’t Care About You And Your Life

The first thing that a narcissist never wants you to realize is they don’t care about you and your life. They don’t.

A narcissist at the beginning is going to act incredibly interested in you, whether it’s a friendship or whether it’s a work thing or whether it’s an intimate relationship. This is a lie. It’s to get you to believe in them and trust them and let them into your life.

The real truth is actually this, narcissists believe that they’re far superior than you. Only them and their life activities are important, not yours, and in fact anything that you do of substance is a threat to the monstrous, insecure and fragile ego of the narcissist.

The narcissist only wants you focused on their life and their abilities, and not only will the narcissist be ignoring you and minimalizing your life, he or she may start downright sabotaging it and discrediting it and being incredibly pathologically envious about it.

 

The Real Life Remedy

Now, let’s have a look at the real life remedy about how not to get into a relationship with somebody like this, because, of course, narcissists don’t walk around with a T-shirt saying, “I’m a narcissist. Beware.”

When getting to know people, take your time. Get to know somebody’s character before letting them into your hearth, your heart and your home. Do they have a solid enough sense of self to admire and compliment others and recognize other people’s achievements, or is it all about them?

When they’re in a group with other people, can they recognize other people? Can they contribute to the conversations about other people, or do they bring every conversation back to themselves, and I mean after initially wooing you are making it all about you?

How do they operate around others. These are the things that you need to ascertain before letting people into your life on a deeply intimate or harmful potential level.

 

Powerful Healing Shifts

Now I want to talk about the powerful healing shifts and these are going to be very, very helpful for those of you on the NARP program and something to think about for people that aren’t yet using Quanta Healing but really interested in it.

After being in a relationship with a narcissist and experiencing that they’re not interested in you and they’re not interested in your life – part of the empowering and the necessary self-healing is the going within to heal and reprogram the beliefs.

That means this has been in your life and you’ve had the damage of it, and the beliefs are usually stuff like, “The people I love don’t validate me, they don’t see me, and they don’t support my life.”

This has come from your wishes and self being deemed irrelevant as a child. It was more about somebody else or maybe your parents or another child. It wasn’t about you, and therefore your self didn’t develop into knowing that you and your life are valuable.

That healing from within that you can do in a Quantum way is going to allow you to get out of this trauma and bring a new true self, which will allow the true self beliefs, “The people I love see me, are interested in me and are supportive of me,” as you’ve become to yourself. It shifts everything.

 

You Are An Object And A Tool To Me

Let’s have a look at the second lie about the narcissist and who they present to be and the thing they don’t want you to find out. It’s this. You are an object and a tool to the narcissist. That’s what’s really going on.

The narcissist doesn’t love you. They only love what they can get from you. The narcissist has buried their own True Self. They’ve created a False Self, which is a fictitious character of their identity of who they’d like to be rather than how they really feel about themselves. And they have no ability, because they are a False Self, other than to view other people as cardboard cutouts as well, not as a blood and bone and Soul individual.

The narcissistic drivers are all agenda-based, meaning, “I’m with you to receive a feed for my False Self and my fictitious character, a hit of superiority. I’m with you because it gets me attention because you’re attractive. You’re intelligent. Maybe you’ve got stuff and resources I don’t have. Maybe you can give me sex, which feeds my False Self.”

Or, “Through you, I can gain access to the things that are going to feed my False Self and get me ahead in the world.”

The narcissist at the beginning may be high on the scintillating company you provide for the moment, which allows him or her to escape the inner pool of the demented unresolved wounds that the narcissist is always trying to get superiority from the outside to try to self-medicate away those horrible inner feelings. These are things like money, position, contacts, living arrangements, whatever it is.

Now, here is the really painful part of the narcissist seeing you as a tool and as an object only. This is what’s so hard about it for you. If you are no longer providing exactly what the narcissist’s False Self wants – which is impossible for the medium or long-term – the narcissist can discard you and replace you without a second thought as if you never existed, because you were merely a tool and an object.

Also, the narcissist is going to mercilessly attack you, emotionally torture and punish you, if you are not performing the tasks that the narcissist intended you to fulfill. That’s what happens, and I know you’ve experienced it.

 

The Real Life Remedy

Let’s have a look at the real life remedies, so you don’t get hooked up with somebody like this again. You need to be able to have a life and retain your life. I’m going to explain.

You need to be able to say no to somebody who is trying to use you for their agendas. Listen to this, because it’s really important.

If you don’t feel like sex, say no. If you don’t feel like handing over those contacts, say no. If you don’t feel like giving the narcissist the key to your home when you’ve only known them two weeks, say no.

The narcissist is going to start trying to get the payoff. They’re going to get the thing that they’ve intended you to provide for them. They’re going to start harvesting, so this is where you have to trust yourself, and if something feels off, assert a boundary.

They’re going to start maneuvering and demanding. Have your rights and your values that you live by and stick to. Do not drop everything for this person or march to their drum or give in to anything that feels uncomfortable for you.

This is why it is so important for us to heal after narcissistic relationships, to love being in our body and our life and heal up ourselves so that we can have a whole self, so that on our own, we can have a healthy life and know that we value ourselves enough to keep our interests, our missions, and our life going rather than give it all away to be somebody else’s pawn and object and tool.

I promise you no narcissist will stick around for your boundaries and your sensibility, and you’ll know. Or when you bring it forth, they’re going to test you. When you say, “No,” or, “I’m not comfortable with that,” they may try to manipulate you and guilt you out of your boundary to try to monopolize your time and use you as an object, and then you’ve got your answer. You absolutely have your answer if somebody’s not going to respect your “No” and your healthy boundary.

 

Powerful Healing Shifts

The powerful healing shifts for this if you’re a NARPer and you’re working with Quanta Freedom Healing and you’re healing from a narcissistic relationship, I would suggest the following shifts on that trauma in your body of, “if I’m not worthy of being loved for me,” and “I have to earn love and approval from others.”

This is all about conditional love, people using you for their agenda so that you can get love from them. When you free yourself from that, I promise you the relief and the power you will get will be so big that it’s going to lead you to be able to generate relationships where you can actualize and stand in and be recognized for your worth and your lovability for who you are as yourself.

 

I Can Say And Do Whatever I Want

The next thing that the narcissist is desperately trying to hide from you that you don’t know about, what you’ll be signing up to is this, “I can say and do whatever I want.”

Now, it’s so incredible how a narcissist is going to hold you to account, meaning that according to them, if you say or do the wrong thing, they’re never going to let you live it down. They’re going to hold it against you forever. They’re never going to get over it, but there’s a complete other set of rules that applies to them.

Now, this is the thing. It’s so big. Narcissists lie. They say whatever they want. They also believe they’re entitled to lie.

They will tell you what you want to hear to shut you up or to get one of their agendas fulfilled. They will stretch the truth. They will omit the truth, and they will completely butcher it if they think it’s going to get them more of what they want – which is to secure more narcissistic abuse, attention, stuff, and energy from you, or to avoid the accountability of what they are really up to behind the scenes.

Because narcissists lie and they don’t really care what they say, their stories change. The discussion you had last week goes out the window with the conversation you’re having this week. You think you’re losing your mind. The narcissist will even deny they said that, even though you know they did.

If you feel like you need to start recording your conversations to play it back to somebody, you’re in a toxic relationship, and you will catch them out on a lie, and then they’re just going to double down with another lie.

The narcissist will tell you and other people that they’re going to do something for them, and then they don’t even show up. They go missing, they make excuses. They don’t care how it affects people, and maddeningly, if confronted with these, they have an excuse, a justification or a projection, or they’re going to change the topic, or they’ll pull up something about you that you’re not doing, and they start firing bullets.

The real truth is this, the narcissist doesn’t care what they say or do. They’re superior. You or anybody else should be greatly appreciative for anything you received from the narcissist, even if it’s just a passing thought.

Who do other people think they are by holding the narcissist to something that the narcissist has decided not to do? The narcissist doesn’t care who’s left waiting, who gets messed around or who misses out, because it’s all about the narcissist.

“Who do these people think they are to expect the truth from a narcissist, when he or she has no need to give it to them? Why should they want to hold the narcissist to a conversation last week when the narcissist was only saying whatever was necessary to shut that person up? Seriously, who do these people think they are?”

I hope you get the picture.

The narcissist also doesn’t believe that they should be held accountable for the disgusting things that come out of their mouth or the horrific acts of vengeance they commit when they are being pushed by somebody for accountability.

“How dare these people think I should either have to apologize for something I’ve said or done. How dare these people not serve and adore me no matter how I treat them.”

Can you see how warped this is? Can you see how the narcissist has such a twisted perception of reality, especially if you so much as say or do something that the narcissist even faintly perceived as disrespectful to them – it’s off with your head, and you’re never going to be forgiven for it.

 

The Real Life Remedy

So what’s the real life remedy to avoid getting hooked up with somebody like this?

Get to know a person’s character ­ – it really is always getting back to this – before letting them into your body, your bed, your business deal, or your life. Do your due diligence and get to know them at a respectful pace.

Do this person’s actions match their words? What are other relationships like in their life? Do these people know that they can trust and rely on this person? Does this person have consideration, conscience, and care for other people? Do they give of themselves to assist others genuinely and not just for the accolades and the supply?

If you feel something is off or not right, show up, question if you feel like you’re being lied to. Ask for the facts. Do your own research and investigation and do not be embarrassed about your right to the truth. Command it and know if somebody is trying to balk, cover over, not be transparent and smears and attacks you for looking for the truth – they’ve got something to hide. You have your answer. They are not to be trusted. They’re lying to you.

Your motto needs to be no proof means no truth. How does this person deal with constructive criticism? Can they be humble and apologize genuinely if they slip up, are arrogant, hurtful, or disrespectful or thoughtless to others? Do they care about other people’s needs and feelings?

These are the things you need to ascertain and check out before you commit at a deep inner level to somebody.

 

Powerful Healing Shifts

Let’s have a look at powerful healing shifts that you can do with NARP.

To heal from the betrayal of lies and the torture of narcissistic gaslighting, which is everything we’ve just talked about, I suggest these deep inner healing shifts on the trauma of, “the people I love lie to me, invalidate me and don’t care about me.” Get that up and out of your body and bring in Source and see what changes in your life.

 

I Will Always Blame You

Let’s get into the last big thing that the narcissist is hiding from you. They never want you to know this. It’s this, “I will always blame you.”

At the inevitable collapse of a narcissistic relationship and even before it in the devalue stage, the narcissist is going to blame you for all of the problems and all of their unhealed wounds that they are never going to take responsibility for.

At the end of the relationship when you are discarded, you’ll be demonized and smeared to all and sundry. This is how a False Self operates.

At the beginning of the relationship, you are childishly pumped up. You’re the greatest thing since poached eggs, paraded all over social media and gushed out to family and friends, and probably introduced way too quickly to all of the narcissist’s circles, probably as well as the kids, and you’re probably being thrusted in the face of the previous discarded supply that the narcissist is finished with.

Then as time goes on, of course you start being devalued and then eventually discarded, and you’re going to be put on the rubbish heap with all the other sucked out Souls that the narcissist False Self has thrown into the gutter.

As far as the False Self is concerned, if you’re not great, you’re terrible. There is no in between. There is no Real Self operating within the narcissist, therefore there’s no, self-awareness, there’s no self-responsibility, and therefore it’s all of your fault.

 

The Real Life Remedy

The real life remedy to how do you not get involved with somebody who has the capacity to be like that?

If somebody does not take personal responsibility for their life, then if you can join with them and create a life with them, it’s going to be your head on the chopping block in the future. These are the people that blame everybody else. They play victim.

They’re going to tell you you’re so different from all the others, and you’re going to think, “Oh, well, they’re going to love me even though it didn’t work with the others.” These are people who can’t be humble and real about their issues and their mistakes and their part in it. These are the people who are not committed to inner personal growth and a commitment to be a better self.

Don’t fall for somebody telling you a story about how spiritual they are and how into personal development they are. Check out how they operate in real life in regard to that. Humility and realness are key.

Anger, blame and unresolved issues with people from their past is a strong indication of not taking responsibility for their own wounds, and therefore you could be in for a very toxic and painful relationship. So look out for those things. You want somebody humble and real taking personal responsibility. Absolutely.

 

Powerful Healing Shifts

The powerful healing shifts to heal from horrible discards and scapegoating and being blamed and projected on, and – they’re going to hate you forever, and it’s always your fault, and you’re never going to get them to change their mind – I really suggest these deep inner healing shifts on the traumas of, “the people I love blame me, discard me and punish me for their problems.”

Get rid of that stuff. Shift it and the relief will be incredible.

 

In Conclusion

In conclusion, these are the secrets the narcissist has hidden from you, and what it is really about is this … this is the truth, “I never cared about you and your life. You were just an object for me to use to get what I wanted. I said and did what I wanted. You didn’t deal with it. You didn’t serve me adequately, so now I need to get rid of you and blame you for all of the things that I was never prepared to face and sort out within myself.”

That’s the truth. That’s it. That’s the truth. Imagine if you knew that from the beginning. You would never have gone there. Now you do know. Now you know how to look out for this.

Even more powerful than that, now you know what to heal within you to break free and never be an inner match for that stuff again.

I want you to know this more than anything. To never again get taken in and down by a False Self, you need to be a True Self. You need to heal yourself, to have a Real Self, which means doing the inner work on your Inner Being, and then you will walk through life never having to deal with this insanity and this Soul destruction ever again.

How myself and so many others achieved that upgrade was with NARP. It is the most powerful way I know to heal our previous painful programs so that we can enter real, true and fulfilling relationships. You can check out NARP by looking at the link that comes up with this video, or have a look at the link in the show notes.

I know that this may have been really difficult to acknowledge and come to terms with, but I want you to know the truth to set you free.

I’m so looking forward to the conversation with you and the comments and your questions below.

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18 Tips For Successful Co-Parenting

18 Tips For Successful Co-Parenting

 

Co-parenting after divorce is challenging but doable with planning focused on the children’s needs.

Agreement on rules for co-parenting is key, setting up guidelines for both parents, and having a constructive and productive dialogue with your ex is crucial for forming an effective co-parenting relationship.

Tips for successful co-parenting

Raising children is already hard work, so you can only imagine how much harder it becomes with joint custody.  So, make it easier by planning, reaching an agreement, and keeping communications open.

Shared parenting after divorce can greatly impact the mental and emotional well-being of children, which is why the entire divorce process should be healthy and mess-free. Begin the journey of co-parenting by addressing the issue during the divorce process.

No longer husband and wife.

The relationship with your former spouse changes when you start co-parenting with your ex.

The focus of your “relationship” is now the connection you have as your kid’s other parent. It’s important to emphasize that your children hold more importance to you than the conflict that resulted in ending your marriage.

Demonstrate to your kids that your love for them will prevail through effective and persuasive dialogues with your ex. While no co-parent can give a concrete answer to what is a perfect relationship with their former partner, here are co-parenting tips that make the process uncomplicated.

1. Set co-parenting boundaries.

After being officially divorced from your partner, you’ll have to set co-parenting boundaries and ground rules to start building a new working dynamic of your family. These include keeping things businesslike and establishing conversational limits. Your ex doesn’t need to know every detail of your personal life if it doesn’t involve your children and vice versa. Setting these boundaries will help avoid future co-parenting conflicts and introduce new behavioral guidelines that both parents must follow.

2. Focus on healing yourself to prepare for co-parenting with your ex.

To become a good co-parent to your child, remember to own your role in ending your marriage and reflect back on your mistakes to move on to the next chapter of your life.

3. Create a family plan for your children along with your former partner.

Write out a document depicting the details of your family plan for your children. Create the co-parenting plan with the best interests of your kids in mind. Outline specific aspects of how much time the kids will be spending time with your co-parent, how the children’s schedule will be after the divorce, as well as how co-parenting conflicts will be resolved.

4. Don’t project your anger and resentment onto your children.

It’s almost impossible to immediately bounce back after getting a divorce—especially if your former partner was abusive. However, if you do end up getting joint custody, remember to love your child more than you hate your ex-partner. Set aside any anger, resentment, or hurt for the sake of your children and put forward their happiness, stability, and future well-being.

5. Don’t use your kids against their parents.

Nothing good ever comes out of bad-mouthing your ex-partner. Even if your former spouse was the worst to you, never insult them in front of your children. Do not vent your frustrations about your co-parent to your kids—you make them conflicted and leave the impression that they must take sides. Keep your children out of your co-parenting conflicts.

6. Don’t use them as a messenger either.

If you use your kids to pass on messages to your former spouse, you’re essentially avoiding having dialogues with your ex and putting your children in the center of your co-parenting conflict.

One of the most important co-parenting tips to keep in mind is to make your relationship with your ex-partner as peaceful as possible. No sending passive-aggressive messages, especially through your kids.

7. Create a sense of security for your children.

In unsure times like these, it’s crucial to make your children feel safe and secure. Do your best to put them first, even if it requires involving mediation in the divorce proceedings.

Remember to also allow your kids to have power in your co-parenting relationship—encourage them to take some of their things to your former partner’s house, let them know it’s okay to want to stay with them. Always assure them that both co-parents love them equally and they’re not to blame for your separation.

8. Focus on bettering your communication with your ex-spouse.

The key to having an effective co-parenting relationship is improving your communication with your ex-spouse. Calm, consistent, and calculated dialogue with your ex helps to positively impact your relationship with your kids.

Don’t forget to make your children the focus of your conversations. While it may seem impossible to be on good terms with your former spouse, your goal is to have conflict-free dialogues with your ex for the sake of your kids.

9. Make visitations and transitions easy for your children.

Being a child who frequently moves from one household to another is overwhelming. You’re saying “hello” to one parent and “goodbye” to the other. Make these transitions easier for your kids by reminding them they’ll be leaving for the other parent’s house a few days before the visit. Another useful co-parenting tip for these situations is dropping off your children instead of picking them up—you wouldn’t want to interrupt a special moment.

10. Be a flexible parent to avoid co-parenting conflicts.

While being a strict parent is necessary to establish behavioral guidelines and set agreed rules for children, it doesn’t hurt to chill out every now and then.

So what if you co-parent dropped off your kids 30 minutes late? When you compromise and let minor things slide, your former partner is more likely to become equally flexible in the future.

11. Keep in mind that fair doesn’t necessarily mean equal in co-parenting.

Since your children divide their time between co-parents, the time you spend with them is limited and precious. Sometimes, it’ll seem like your co-parent is organizing extra-curricular activities when the kids are supposed to be spending that time with you.

Learn to refrain from starting co-parenting conflicts in these situations by seeing the bigger picture—what works for you may not be in your children’s best interest. Support your kids at all times.

12. Respect your children’s time with their other parent.

Simultaneously, respect each other’s parenting time. Let your kids spend quality time with the other parent without disturbing or potentially sabotaging their time. Acknowledge your former partner’s authority to your children, whether or not you agree with every decision they make.

Successfully co-parenting after divorce is possible when both parties respect the fact that each co-parent has the best interests of the kids in every decision they make.

13. Plan regular co-parenting meetings.

Have regular check-ins with your former partner not only to form an effective co-parenting relationship but to also improve your communication with your ex-spouse. The co-parental meetings should revolve around your children’s schedule after the divorce, as well as their health and well-being.

Keep the meetings brief and to the point—take to each other with respect and listen to what you both have to say.  Take notes and share them with your ex so there is no confusion on what was discussed and what was agreed to.

14. Don’t expect your co-parent to strictly follow your rules.

Although you might have a specific approach regarding raising your children, your co-parent might disagree with certain aspects of your methods. They might let them do things—not necessarily dangerous or unsafe—that you don’t normally allow them to do.

Your co-parent might let your kids stay past their bedtime or allow them to have ice cream at late night hours. Abide by the agreed rules for your children, but don’t expect to strictly follow them at all times.

15. Share your children’s photos of important events with your co-parent.

No parent wants to miss their children’s birthday, graduation, or any other important life event on purpose. However, if you or your co-parent happen to miss a certain event, do send pictures of the occasion to make them feel they’re a part of the family.

Don’t trigger co-parenting conflicts and accuse them of deliberately not attending the event. Try to understand where they’re coming from and why they can’t come to the occasion. After all, they’re also your kids’ parent and they deserve to be a part of their lives.

16. Make important family decisions with your co-parent present.

Unless your co-parent is abusing their power over your children, do not make necessary decisions regarding your kids without your ex-spouses’ input. Hold a brief discussion about the subject before meeting your co-parent to explain further.

Avoid sending one-sided emails or messages to your co-partner in these cases—words may get lost in translation in texts and emails and your effective co-parenting relationship may be compromised.

17. Establish a support system for shared parenting after divorce

Co-parenting after divorce may get overwhelming, so don’t hesitate to reach out to friends and family to help you overcome these difficult times. Having joint custody with your ex-spouse can be paralyzing, but as long as you know you have a support network, moving forward becomes doable.

18. Create a fresh co-parenting plan when new partners are introduced to the family dynamic.

You can’t stick to the same co-parenting plan forever. Children grow up, you introduce new parenting methods, and eventually, new people become a part of your family. Go over the co-parenting plan with your ex-spouse to change or add new behavioral guidelines and further discuss new co-parenting boundaries.

Joint custody arrangements can be stressful when you don’t have an effective co-parenting relationship. Stress, exhaustion, and trauma might get the best of you. However, co-parenting plans can be created early on in the divorce process.

Have fruitful and productive dialogues with your ex and come up with a family plan for the children with the presence of a divorce mediator.

Make joint custody work, enable your kids to thrive, and incorporate as many co-parenting tips as you can in your everyday routine to make life after divorce effective and contented.

 

The post 18 Tips For Successful Co-Parenting appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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10 Traits That Narcissists Can’t Stand

10 Traits That Narcissists Can’t Stand

You have probably asked yourself why some people are impervious to narcissists and why you fell in their trap.

What traits do you have that attracted this toxic individual into your life?

What traits do others have that totally repel them?

I’m sure you want answers to these questions – we all do.

In my latest Thriver TV video I’m going to share with you the 10 traits that narcissists can’t stand. This is all about Thriver healing and each of the 10 traits is not just incredible in regard to repelling narcissists, they also empower you in every area of your life.

It’s like having a can of repellent aerosol ready to spray at any narcissist that gets in your way!

 

 

Video Transcript

I just want to start off by saying there are only a few days to go before Thrive gets going on the 1st of May, and this is a global community and my most hands-on program ever to help you break through those glass ceilings, the reasons why you’re not recovering or you’re stuck in the trauma, or you just can’t get the motivation to heal.

This is a healing bootcamp that is going to revolutionize and rock your healing. Check it out. The link is with this video. We’ve only got a few spaces left. This is really one of the last chances to get involved. Check out the link with this video, go to the show notes. Show notes or melanietoniaevans.com/thrive.

Today’s video is very, very important. What I’m going to share with you today are the 10 traits that narcissists can’t stand. This is all about Thriver healing, where you need to stand in a place that they can’t stand so that you become a narcissist repellent.

These are exactly the 10 things that make you impervious to narcissists. These 10 powerful traits are not even just incredible in regard to repelling narcissists, they also empower you in every area of your life.

Initially, as we go through these, some of them may surprise you because these are the things in contemporary abuse circles – that people are going to tell you – make you a target for a narcissist. However, the very opposite is true. Once we go through all of this, you are going to understand exactly why.

 

Number One – Life Fulfillment

The number one trait is life fulfillment. You may believe that a narcissist is going to go after people who have an incredibly fulfilled life, because they’re going to want to try and cash in on that person’s life. But I want you to understand this, narcissists are predators. They pick out the injured gazelle at the edge of a pack just like a lion does.

What does this mean? It means that they’re going to go for somebody who actually feels lonely and unfulfilled in their life. Yes, this person may have stuff and they may be very giving and they’ve got a lot to give and they’ve even achieved a lot in life. But what is usual is this person is somebody who is feeling a little or a lot vulnerable, empty, lonely, and even dare I say, needy.

The narcissist can come forth professing to be all sorts of things that this person has missing in their life so that this person who’s feeling empty is going to create a very fast bond with this person, thinking, “You’ve got the energy I’ve been looking for, or you’ve got the life that I want, or you really see me and you meet me and you’re giving me the love that I’m feeling really hungry for.”

However, if you have a very full and healthy life and you feel fulfilled, then you’re not needy. You’re not going to just rush quickly in a relationship and let somebody into your bed, body, Soul, finances, and life immediately, because you feel fulfilled and full. You can take your time.

As Don Miguel Ruiz stated in this classic beautiful story – I’ve shared it before – I’m going to do it very, very quickly … There’s two women and they’re in their homes. This man, he goes up to the first door and he has this big pizza. This woman is not cooking for herself and she doesn’t have a well-stocked kitchen and she’s hungry.

He comes up with this pizza and she can smell it even before she opens the door to his knock and she’s starving. He says, “I’ll bring you pizza every day, but you have to accept whatever comes with this pizza.” Because she’s so starving, she accepts the offer.

Yet the woman who was in her home, and she’s got a beautiful well-stocked kitchen with delicious, nutritious whole foods and she cooks for herself every day.

This man comes with this greasy pizza that she can smell. He says, “You can have pizza every day and you have to accept whatever comes with it.” She says, “Why would I want that when I have my own source of beautiful, nutritious food?”

Love and our own lives are exactly the same. I want you to think deeply about that story because it tells you everything you need to know about fulfillment in your life.

 

Number Two ­– Authenticity

Number two is authenticity. If you’re happy with who you are and you’re happy to present yourself as yourself, then you’re really not going to be a match for a false self.

Authenticity is a bright light that repels dark Souls. It’s like a bright light to a vampire. Narcissists don’t love themselves. They’re empty Souls looking to parasite other people’s energy in order to affirm their own existence. They’re not a source of their own energy.

If you are happy to be you, regardless of what anybody else is or isn’t doing, and if you know what’s important is not what other people think of you, it’s what you think of you, then a narcissist is going to be repelled by you. You’re too much of a bright, shiny light.

You’re going to understand more about what true authenticity means as we go through the additional traits in this video.

 

Number Three – Critical Thinking

Number three is critical thinking. Narcissists hate people who are critical thinkers, let me explain why. A narcissist can easy manipulate and dupe people who don’t question things.

Know this, narcissists are pathological liars. They gaslight. They switch versions on reality back on other people. They exaggerate. They leave facts out. They give you twisted realities. They have to have really good memories to remember the trail of lies that spew out of their mouths.

It becomes very obvious, with any narcissist that you spend any amount of time with that they are lying because certain stories don’t match up. The real life reality that you see outside of their version doesn’t match the versions that they’re purporting. They even contradict themselves regularly because they can’t remember all of their lies.

You truly have to be asleep at the wheel to not notice the irregularities. And to not suspect that this person is not telling the truth. If you don’t blindly accept the information and you’ve got the ability to critically think, and then (we’re going to talk about this down the track in this video, I’ll explain it more) show up questioning things – if you do think and question, that’s a big problem for a narcissist because they can’t dupe you.

I’ve come to think of all of this as what I call, somebody else might call it this too, but I think it’s emotional integrity. I think it’s even more than emotional intelligence.

I think in our world today, to not be taken in by a narcissist, and quite frankly, any psychopath, as a safe, empowered being, having the ability to trust your intuition if it feels off, ask questions, research and investigate – is vital. That’s the first part of it.

The second part of it is then to be open to new information other than the narratives that you’re receiving, because it’s only then that you can make an intelligent, balanced, informed decision by yourself. Know this, the people that are usually smearing the most are usually the source of the lies. I’ll tell you that.

Narcissists hate critical thinkers and they are completely repelled by them. It will make you impervious to them if you’ve got emotional integrity, because they will cease to have power over you.

 

Number Four – Due Diligence

Number four trait that a narcissist really can’t stand is your due diligence. Narcissists don’t like people who take time to make a decision about entering into a deal, whether it be business or a relationship.

Narcissists are empty beings constantly needing to secure narcissistic supply. Because if you’re targeted by one of them, they need to ensnare you quickly so that the feed of narcissistic supply balances the output of energy required to get the narcissistic supply.

Think of the lion going after the gazelle and needs a feed. They need to get their prey quickly so that the energy expended is not greater than the food supply gained and how long it takes to get it. Narcissists don’t have energy of their own. That’s why the payoff needs to come quickly.

If you date respectfully and you retain your own life and you have other dates whilst ascertaining potential suitors (yes, plural) their character and behavior to make your final choice, over time, a narcissist will not hang around for that because the payoff is not instant enough.

If you’re in a business and a narcissist wants to join forces with you and you do background checks and the necessary due diligence to investigate the suitability of this person, again, the narcissist will flee because he or she will know that you’re not an easy target.

Being a mature adult doing the necessary due diligence is going to save you the heartache and devastation of a narcissist every time. They are sprinters, they’re not stayers. They are also terrified about what you’re just going to discover about them. If you scratch under the surface and do your investigation and your due diligence, you will discover what’s under the surface.

 

Number Five – Self-Partnering

The number five trait that narcissists don’t like and they can’t stand it – is you being self-partnered. If you’re in your body knowing your values and truth, then you are much less likely to be thrown, disarmed or manipulated by narcissistic behavior.

When you’re self-embodied, you trust and listen to your own feelings. You are aligned with yourself. If something feels off, then you ask questions and you clarify things. Narcissists test boundaries with people all the time to see what they can and can’t get away with. They want to know where your line is and they know how to work out what makes somebody tick.

If somebody is anchored in their body, honoring themselves, narcissists know they’re not an easy target. It takes too much effort and they’re going to move on.

Your self-embodiment, your self-partnering means backing yourself, which takes us to the next point which is about boundaries.

 

Number Six – Boundaries

Number six is boundaries. Boundaries and the ability to speak up and say – no, I’m not comfortable with that – is a boundary.

Boundaries are knowing where you stop when somebody else stops. It’s a knowing of how to let the good in and keep the bad out. Boundaries mean that you’re willing to ask questions and have difficult conversations and take time to assess people in situations before jumping in blindly.

Boundaries are the ability to assert your values and your truth regardless of what anybody else is or isn’t doing. You’ve developed and healed beyond the point of worrying about somebody criticizing, rejecting, abandoning, and punishing you, which I call the fears of CRAP, C-R-A-P, for you speaking up.

If people do start twisting and turning and criticizing, rejecting, abandoning, and punishing you for you being your values and truth, then this person is absolutely not a match for you. You’ve got your answer.

Narcissists are repelled by people who have boundaries. Let’s get very clear about this, boundaries don’t mean that somebody else has to agree with you and join in on your boundary. It’s not like a narcissist is going to say to you, “Yeah, I get that and I’m going to respect your boundary.”

No, rather they’re going to disrespect your boundary and they’re going to try and talk you out of it, shame and blame and guilt you out of it, twist it and turn it, put it back on you. You’ve got your answer.

Move on. This is not somebody that you can have any form of relationship with if they can’t respect you. People can only violate your boundaries if you stay connected with them.

 

Number Seven ­– Calmness

Number seven, this is a powerful trait but not always easy to do – calmness.

Narcissists will get you to hand your power away when you are not able to be in your body and your truth. When you’re triggered and you’re in adrenaline and cortisol, then your frontal lobe is shut down. You don’t have access to wisdom and solution, and rather you’re in survival programs, which means that you’re in the very primitive part of your brain which is the amygdala – where you’re in fight, flee or freeze.

Narcissists are experts at taking you over and taking you down while you’re in these states. If you’ve done the inner work to meet the traumas that are generating your triggers and you’ve released them and up-leveled them, reprogrammed them – and I can’t recommend Quanta Freedom Healing enough in order to do this. We’re going to be covering all of these in huge detail in Thrive, as well as doing the healings on this for you – well, that means that you are not going to have those triggers to hit within you, which are your previous unhealed, unconscious inner wounds that were being activated by the narcissistic behavior.

Rather, where that trigger once was is a calm knowing of your values and your truth regardless of the shenanigans. You can show up in your power, in calm power with boundaries, in your values, in your truths.

This makes the narcissist run for the hills. When he or she knows that they can no longer get you on your wounds and trigger you and fire you off and get you to hand over power, it really is game over for them.

 

Number Eight – Transparency

The number eight trait that narcissists can’t stand is transparency. Narcissists love to operate in the shadows like vampires in the dark and behind the scenes, that’s where they do their best work. This is where they can target somebody’s wounds, draw them in, extract supply, and diminish someone in order to gain control over them.

However, when you’ve healed beyond your own shame and pain and your fears of authority, and maybe when you emerge from all of that and you become a truth seeker living in the light, you have the ability to bring out the narcissistic behavior calmly and clearly in front of an audience.

This is very effective in a group setting with other people, whether it be a work setting, a family, a court case or a group of people that you’re involved in with the narcissist.

As long as you are calm, untriggered, and factual. This is not about saying this person is a narcissist. Don’t label them. Just expose the behavior. Narcissists like vampires, when exposed in the full brunt of light scream and then shrivel up.

When you do this, I promise you, this is usually when a narcissist will unravel and be completely exposed. Then they’ve got to run. They’ve got to get out of the group. They’ve got to get out of the business. They’ve got to get out of your life. They just can’t stand it.

 

Number Nine – Demanding Disclosure

Number nine trait that a narcissist can’t stand is you demanding disclosure. The ultimate boundary with a narcissist is the demanding of the facts. No proof, no truth, no deal. Please know this, if somebody has nothing to hide and values a true relationship with you, of course, they’re going to present the facts.

Whether it be regarding cheating, other infidelities, or financial irregularities, or criminal behavior, whatever it is, which all of which narcissists are famous for – you demanding that the narcissist supplies proof of their versions of things will bring about twists, turns, lies, evidence that can’t be substantiated, or downright refusal to provide the evidence.

Absolutely, if you have a good reason to suspect, ask for proof. Demand it. Value yourself enough to do it. Follow up with checking up on the sources that are offered, and don’t be embarrassed to do so. You’re after the truth. If you get twists and turns and you’re not humbly met with honesty, then you have your answer.

You don’t need the proof of the crime to end a relationship with people. Avoidance behavior is all the proof you need. Because please know, good people simply do not behave like this.

 

Number Ten – Self-Love

The number 10 trait that a narcissist can’t stand, and this is the biggest and the best of all of them is self-love.

The ultimate deterrent to a narcissist is you being self-partnered, in your body, taking responsibility for your own emotional resonance. This means that you are deeply involved in your own personal partnering and self-development.

You love yourself enough to commit to yourself to create an incredible life for yourself from the inside out. You are the master of your own inner emotional domain. This means, and rightly so, that you are loving and self-partnered to yourself more than any other person in the world. Because you know all of your relationships, which is relationship with self, life and others comes from self and your relationship with your highest source, which is true source. This means that you are no longer looking for somebody else to grant you what you’re not willing to give yourself.

Your kitchen is full. You make yourself nutritious meals. You don’t need somebody else who is offering you crap to provide you with toxic sustenance and try to make crumbs out of cookies. All of that is gone.

You love yourself enough to only accept a level of love in your life that compliments the love that you now have for yourself. Anything else detracts from your life and you don’t need it or want it. That is your ultimate inoculation and repellent against a narcissist.

 

In Conclusion

I really hope that this has been insightful for you today. Please know this, because it’s a lie and it’s not the truth – you are not meant to dim your light in order to be safe from a narcissist. Other abuse forums and stuff will say, if you’re a bright light and you’re amazing, narcissists will target you. That is rubbish. Throw that belief out.

In stark contrast, you are here to turn your light up even brighter than you ever have before. You need to step into the full skin and soul of who you are meant to be, as a true self with true source, a narcissist cannot touch you. Feel it in every cell of your body because it’s the truth.

This is exactly what Thriving is about. When you take on that orientation and that development to fully free yourself to be yourself, never again are you going to need to worry about who was the narcissist and where the next one might be lurking or what they’re doing, because you were just free to fully be your own authentic self.

If this is the life of freedom that you truly want, then I cannot recommend enough for you to check out this intensive healing boot camp that’s coming up in a couple of days. This is pretty much the last chance to get involved.

I can’t wait because we are going to help you get there, with all the ways that I got there and tens of thousands of people from all over the world have got there. I’m going to be working personally with you live for 10 weeks with your own coaches, which is me and the incredible Thriver team, plus, your global Thriver tribe, the most incredible people you’ll ever meet.

I’d love you to check out and come on this incredible journey with me. Check out Thrive at melanietoniaevans.com/thrive or click the link that appears or go to the show notes.

I want you to let me know in the comments below whether or not this Thriver TV episode resonated with you. Are you on the journey of becoming narcissist proof? Is this what you want to achieve? I’m really looking forward to the conversation that we have about this.

 

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Narcissistic Injury In Family Court

Narcissists suffer from what the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders defines as narcissistic injury:

    “… vulnerability in self-esteem which makes narcissistic people very sensitive to ‘injury’ from criticism or defeat. Although they may not show it outwardly, criticism may haunt these individuals and may leave them feeling humiliated, degraded, hollow and empty. They react with disdain, rage, or defiant counterattack.”

To a narcissist, separation or divorce is both criticism and defeat. Even if they are the ones who chose to end the relationship. They will view you as the one who abandoned them by not being the “saviour” they needed you to be, which they interpret as rejection and defeat.

It can make leaving a narcissistic relationship incredibly difficult.

You stay and continue to be demeaned, controlled and diminished.

You leave and be attacked.

They will use a range of tactics to exact their revenge with the most powerful being turning the children against you and using Family Court to punish you.

This hits you financially, emotionally, energetically and spiritually.

Narcissist do not easily recover from narcissistic injury. They aren’t the “forgive and forget” type. They will hold this grudge for eternity and drag you back and forth through Family Court despite the expense.

They may not always be the ones turning to court though, they could completely abandon the system and take their own form of justice – what they say is true (another narcissistic classic). This results in victims having to continually return to court for access to children, to enforce orders and even to make basic decisions.

In court, narcissistic injury presents as cleverly executed counterattacks – you hit them, they raise the bar with a fresh allegation. Every effort you make to be treated equally is met with retaliation. All designed to get you to submit.

So how do you overcome this relentless pursuit of “justice” (a very distorted “eye for an eye” philosophy)?

My top tips for handling narcissistic injury in the court process are:

  1. Stay focused on your goal – don’t get drawn into their game. They want you to be tied up in the sheer volume of allegations and threats so that you can’t prove the truth
  2. Keep your emotions in check – this behaviour is an attempt by the narcissist to self soothe by putting all their anxiety onto you. This is all in an attempt to bait you into reacting so that they can stand back and go “there, see, I told you so”
  3. Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries – their energy is intense and it can feel like your own. Putting boundaries in place regarding when/how to contact, your own responses and recognising your own triggers will protect you from being gaslighted by them and their flying monkeys.

If you are heading to court against a narcissistic ex and want support, check out our online course thenurturingcoach.co.uk/get-court-ready

The post Narcissistic Injury In Family Court appeared first on The Nurturing Coach.

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The Narcissistic Mirage – Coming To Grips With Who They Really Are

The Narcissistic Mirage – Coming To Grips With Who They Really Are

 

It’s such a shock when we discover that the narcissist is nothing more than a mirage.

How do we come to terms with the fact that we invested ourselves into a wonderful idea that was never real?

Let me show you how to see past what they seem to be. This will help you not become reliant on or emotionally addicted to them. It will also ensure you can avoid being emotionally triggered into neediness, fear and panic in ways that may surprise or shock you.

In today’s Thriver TV episode I will guide you to your very own Great Awakening, which is your deep Life Truth.

 

Video Transcript

Remember the myth of Narcissus looking into the water and falling in love with his own reflection?

This wasn’t the real him.

It’s such a shock when we discover that the narcissist who we thought was incredible, and even our soulmate is nothing more than a mirage. This person simply wasn’t real.

It’s horrible initially to understand that because they are not a real person, they didn’t love us and they are not capable of love.

How do you come to terms with the fact that you invested your heart, life, years and soul into a mirage? A wonderful idea and dream that was never real.

That’s exactly what we are talking about today in this Thriver TV episode.

Before I get started, I want to quickly shout out that I’m very excited about my upcoming You Can Thrive One-Day global workshop, which will be a first of its kind, an intensive healing container for thousands of people, to move you up and out of narcissistic abuse into your true abuse-free life.

To claim your seat, all you need to do is click this link.

Okay, let’s get started on today’s very important topic.

 

The Promise of the Mirage

Bad people exist. People who are soulless, and are not concerned with other people’s feelings, needs or values. These are people who are parasitical, they feed off other people’s energy, resources and Life Force to try to grant themselves power and an existence.

The problem is these people masquerade as everyday people in society. They appear as lovely, commendable and caring people who we can trust. They are potential lovers, business associates, authority figures, bosses, friends and neighbours. They can also be family members who are supposed to love you and treat you with care.

What is incredibly tricky about these individuals is they are skilled at working out the people who they wish to ensnare and start mining for their own benefit. In a family setting, they already have your connection and attention. The narcissists outside of families identify what people feel they need in their life and then present themselves as the solution to these issues.

The bottom line is, we want to trust these people. We want to believe that they are the answer to our loneliness, broken heartedness, safety, wellbeing or any other challenge in our life.

Maybe this person seems strong and outgoing, and we have struggled to speak up and lay boundaries or be tough enough to navigate our own life fearlessly, and now we finally feel safe.

Possibly, this person seems so loving and generous and caring, and after not feeling loved and cared for, you feel like you are finally seen and met.

This person may have the supposed energy, wealth, drive and ambition, as well as aligned goals with you, so much so that you finally feel like your dreams can come true.

Within narcissistic abuse, bonding does not discriminate, it happens in every relationship. In intimate or family relationships there are countless ways you will be bonded. If this person is not a love relationship, maybe you have connected resources, such as finances or a business deal. Or this person seems to supply something in your life that unknowingly you are now reliant on or emotionally addicted to.

Narcissists are skilled at creating “dependencies”; it may be so insidious and gradual that you barely understood that it was happening.

A particularly good indication is that this person starts becoming difficult, withdrawing or withholding affection or attention from you so that you are emotionally triggered into neediness, fear and panic in ways that surprise or shock you.

This is where cognitive dissonance comes into play. You are ensnared by this person; they have literally infiltrated your soul. Now, the relationship can only continue for you if you make logical excuses and justifications to stay attached.

This is where you are now projecting onto him or her, despite the atrocious behaviour, the idealised version of “how you believe this person should be”.

How would you stay with this person, unless you are lying to yourself?

 

The Thud of Truth

Within narcissistic relationships, the state of your soul, emotions, finances and health progressively disintegrates.

Inevitably, there comes a time where you acknowledge you are being abused. The volume of the abuse keeps getting turned up progressively, so intensely, as the cycles of abuse deepen and intensify (as they do with all toxic relationships), that eventually the truth must get your attention.

And this is the truth: this person does not really love you and care for you, despite the throwaway words that they sometimes use, to hoover you back in, or give you some false sense of security.

This is not love. This is not healthy. This is not even a real person who has a conscience or ability to see you as anything more than an object for them to benefit from.

As terrifying, heartbreaking and soul-destroying as this is, this is the passage to your own personal evolution.

Your Great Awakening is to accept the truth, that this person (or people) who you thought were trustworthy, commendable, and had your best interests at heart, absolutely don’t. These people do not add to your life in any way that is healthy, rather they are feeding off you, draining you and ultimately destroying you, all for their own benefit.

If you don’t wake up to this, then there is only one outcome, your personal diminishment and demise.

Here is the rub, denial and ignorance are not bliss, because the longer you stay attached refusing to look at the truth – the more your rights are being eroded.

The deeper the enslavement becomes.

The further down into the loss of your soul and Life Force you go.

Awakening means applying critical thinking. It means to open your eyes and heart to the truth. That when someone is hurting you they are not loving you, and it’s time to stop hurting yourself and love yourself with all your might.

It means to not just blindly accepting to cling to a version of a person in your life, that you would want them to be.

It means to stop handing power over to other people and to take the power back to be the generative force and source of your life for yourself.

That’s the Great Awakening. That’s what it means to live Your Truth.

Your Inner Being knows the truth. When your emotions are screaming at you that something is not right, and you are being diminished, and stripped of your rights, then that is the time to wake up.

When you try to assert your rights and truth regarding the sovereignty of your feelings, values, desires and choices in life (meaning the freedom to be fully yourself), and they are not allowed – then you are being abused.

If you don’t wake up to this, you are asleep. As a goodhearted person, who is not as yet anchored in your own body navigating your life from the truth of your core, you are a prime candidate to be targeted and abused by these people – posing as your “answer”, “safety”, “saviour” or “dream life”.

With abusers, it becomes obvious. Their agenda and decisions happen without your involvement or any consideration for your values and desires. It is “sold” to you as this: this person knows what’s best for you because YOU don’t have the ability to know or decide what is best for you.

Don’t buy it! It’s not the truth!

Until you awaken, you are prey to people who are mirages, who are wolves in sheep’s clothing and are highly dangerous and abusive.

 

Being Straight With You

I’m addressing you in this way because I truly needed to do that with myself.

Before I discovered Thriver Healing, I was paralysed and stunted in the horror of the discovery that he was not the human being that I “needed” him to be. I had assigned him as the authority and the giver of my life.

I hadn’t yet awakened to become that to myself.

Doing so, saved my life. I turned inside, self-partnered and took on the mission of loving and caring for myself. I tapped into and activated my true power as a sovereign being to fulfil and rise into my ascension and truth, rather than try to get the power and permission to be that person from outside myself.

You have the power to do the same.

Totally.

Speaking of which, my global You Can Thrive One-Day Workshop is all about that. It’s about you rising into your truth as a sovereign being disconnected from all of this rubbish of being manipulated and mined and abused by False Selves posing as good people.

I can’t wait to co-generate your enlightenment and breakthrough with you.

Click the link at the top right of this video to check out the details and register for this event.

And as always, I look forward to answering your comments and questions below.

 

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truth about children and divorce: sad african american girl with face in hand

The Unvarnished Truth About Children And Divorce

truth about children and divorce: sad african american girl with face in hand

 

I’m not one of those experts who believe that divorce has little significant effect on a child’s life. I’m of the opinion that divorce can set a child up for lifelong emotional struggles. The divorce of a child’s parents leaves them with negative emotions they will deal with throughout their lives in one way or another.

Yes, they learn to adjust to the fact that their parents are divorced but, the sadness caused by the divorce lessens with time but never goes away. On top of the regret a child feels over a parent’s divorce there can be devastating consequences if the parents do not handle the divorce in a responsible manner.

The Unvarnished Truth About Children And Divorce

I bristle when I hear parents say that children are “resilient” and can “handle” their divorce. I’ve talked to adults who were devastated years after their divorce was finalized, yet for some strange reason they believe that their children are more capable of getting over and learning to live with a situation they, themselves are finding hard to accept and move on from.

It is this belief by parents that children are more flexible and pliant emotionally than they are that sets children up for disaster when their parents’ divorce. A child’s divorce experience is shaped by whether or not parents continue to put their children’s well-being and security first during the divorce process.

4 Reasons It’s Important To Put Children First During Divorce

1. Divorce means huge changes in the lives of children. It can also mean direct involvement in the conflict between parents, changes in where they live, economic hardship, broken bonds with a parent, loss of emotional security, and a multitude of emotional stressors.

2. Divorce means the loss of a child’s family, something that is the center of their universe. If a child is raised in a happy or low conflict family, that family is the base of their security. It is what allows that child to go out into the world and broaden their horizons because they know there is a safe place to return to.

The loss of an intact family is like a death to the child. There will be a period of grieving and a need to replace, with something new the security they had in the intact family.

3. Divorce increases a child’s risk of psychological, educational, and sociological problems. A parent’s divorce touches every aspect of a child’s life. A child’s relationships with friends will change and their ability to focus and concentrate in school will be affected. As a result, there is an increased possibility of problems with anxiety and depression.

4. Divorce causes children emotional pain. Regardless of how hard a parent tries and how well they parent, a child will feel sadness and loss during and after a divorce. Your divorce is going to hurt your children! And please, don’t fall for the nonsense belief that if the “parent is happy, the child will be happy.” I promise you unless your child is witnessing or a party to domestic abuse or high conflict the child could care less if Mom and Dad are happy.

Some parents have a misguided belief that their children are spending time and energy worrying about their parent’s happiness. Nothing could be further from the truth, children are concerned with their own happiness and security, as it should be.

So, please, don’t project your need to divorce so you can be “happy” off on to your children. You will do them no favor and it will free you up to ignore their pain due to a skewed belief that is not correct.

What Are The Negative Effects of Divorce For Children?

If you contrast children from intact families to children of divorce, children from divorced families are:

  • Twice as likely to have to see a mental health provider,
  • Twice as likely to exhibit behavioral problems,
  • More than twice as likely to have problems with depression and mood disorders,
  • Twice as likely to drop out of high school before graduating,
  • Twice as likely to divorce themselves as adults,
  • Less socially competent and tend to linger in adolescents before moving into adulthood.

Andrew Cherlin, a family demographer at Johns Hopkins University, said that even those who grow up to be very successful as adults carry “the residual trauma of their parents’ breakup.”

In other words, when we, as adults make the decision to divorce we are going against our natural parental instincts…protecting our children from harm. Some would argue that divorce in and of itself does not cause harm to children. They believe that it is the behavior of the parents during a divorce that determines how a child will fare or what the consequences will be.

I agree that as parents we can lessen the negative effects of divorce on our children. There are obligations that parents have during divorce that can help our children cope. The issue I have though is this, during my career as a divorce family therapist who has worked closely with divorcing clients and their children, the children seem to take a backseat to their parent’s needs during that time.

Parents are more focused on the legal process of divorce and their own emotional needs than their children’s needs. Until I see a change in the way the majority of parents behave during divorce I will hold onto my belief that children are irreparably harmed by divorce and suffer due to parents who are unable to parent and divorce at the same time.

The post The Unvarnished Truth About Children And Divorce appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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20 Signs Your Ex Is Narcissistic

20 Signs Your Ex Is Narcissistic

You leave and you’ll never see the kids again

Narcissistic mother

Things started so well.  They seemed perfect and, even better, they made you feel perfect too.  They lavished praise and attention on you.  It felt wonderful.  It was everything you ever dreamed of.

Then they stopped being so affectionate.  They started talking about someone new at work.  Everything they once said they loved most about you suddenly seemed to irritate the crap out of them.

What changed?

They tell you it was you but you aren’t sure.  Nevertheless you try everything to win back their acceptance.

But it’s not enough and although you do anything and everything, nothing works.

It’s all your fault

Or is it?

 

Individuals with narcissistic personalities tend to be grandiose, entitled, and self-centered.  They are often impulsive and anxious, have ideas of grandiosity and “specialness“, become quickly dissatisfied with others and maintain superficial, exploitative interpersonal relationships.

It’s why they find it so easy to  move on to the next “supply” and so easily discard you.

They react to criticism with feels of rage, stress or humiliation (even though they will never express that).  They take advantage of others to achieve their own ends.  

Other personality disorder processes are high levels of over-dramatic emotional displays (silent treatment or rage), paranoia (jealousy and suspiciousness), antisocial behaviours (aggression, domestic abuse and verbal abuse) or obsessive compulsive behaviours (rigid moralistic rules).  These are often evident throughout the relationship, although not at the start as they usually have another person who is able to be their “regulatory other” (the person who regulates their emotions). 


Overt narcissist (sometimes called grandiose narcissist)

Overt narcissists are characterised by grandiosity, attention-seeking, entitlement, arrogance and little observable anxiety. They can be socially charming, despite being oblivious to the needs of others, and are interpersonally exploitative.  They engage in superficial relationships and seek out external feedback that supports their grandiose sense of self and protects them from their fragile self image

Covert narcissist (sometimes called vulnerable narcissist)

Coverst narcissists present as vulnerable, fragile and thin-skinned.  They are characterised as inhibited, distressed and hypersensitive to evaluations of theirs, while chronically envious and evaluation themselves in relation to others. Interpersonally they tend to be shy, outwardly self-effacing (modest) and hypersensitive to criticism, but are covertly grandiose and jealous.

Malignant narcissist

They are characterised by the typical symptoms of Narcissistic Personality Disorder as well as prominent antisocial behaviour, paranoid features and sadism towards others.  they engage in chronic lying, intimidation and financial or interpersonal secondary gains which maintain their malignant pattern.

10 Signs Your Ex Wife/Girlfriend Is Narcissistic

I watched Gone Girl for the first time a few months ago and I thought Amy (pictured above, credit: thefincheranalyst.com) was one of the best depictions of a female covert narcissistic I have seen.  She played the part of victim so well at the start to lure in her husband (Amy’s mother was a overt narcissist) and then later in the film to restore her delusion as “loyal wife”.  Apologies if I have given too many spoilers away there, trust me that there is so much more to the film.

The female narcissists I have dealt with personally and professionally were covert and loved to act like the perfect partner and parent.  They go to extreme lengths outside the family home to project this image of perfection.  Obviously within the relationship things are very different.

Here are ten signs of a female narcissistic ex:

Continuous sense that she is disappointed

Take sides against you by default, assume the worst, distrust

Fantasies, several would involve another partner, not subtle

Your were paying for others mistakes against her

No true connection, emotionally distant, and callous

Ruined your special occasions by refusing to acknowledge them but wanted excessive displays of devotion on theirs

She prevented you from making friends, venting frustrations, or seeking support

Double standards in everything (they expect praise but gave you nothing but criticism, even if you did the same/similar thing)

You were made to feel guilty for wanting to be intimate

She regularly threatened to leave, threatening to pursue support in Family Court in order to destroy you financially (and may have followed through on this)

If you have children with a female narcissist, I recommend reading our blog 13 Strategies for Dealing With A Female Narcissist 

10 Signs Your Ex Husband/Boyfriend Is Narcissistic

I hate to admit this but I loved the first season of You.  Joe was a terrifyingly good narcissist.  So good that I think he lovebombed half the female audience! He displayed anti-social behaviour (malignant), vulnerability (covert) and was incredibly socially charming (overt). He was a full-house.

The male narcissists I have dealt with have also displayed all of the criteria.  I have had men ring me telling me that their ex is stopping them from seeing their children only to make false allegations against me online 24 hours later because HE didn’t answer the call HE arranged. I have spoken to men who have overtly spoken of their own grandiose sense of self by stating how they were capable of doing x,y and z even though they emailed me for advice. I have also had conversations with someone who claimed they were alienated only to later discover that they were in fact a registered sex offender.

Here are ten signs your ex was narcissistic:

Infidelity is common but they will also engage in sexual fantasies and try to get you involved

He wanted to control your appearance appearance

His and your emotional needs were not attended to

Triangulated the children into arguments and expects the children to take his side

Was only interested in doing things he wanted to do

He was extremely jealously of other men

He was envious of any of your successes (including your relationship with the children)

He never listened, but expected a lot of attention and perfect memory

Downplayed the contribution of raising children or taking care of the household

Sees you as his only being there to meet his needs

If you have children with a narcissistic ex I recommend reading out blog The Realities of Co-Parenting with a Narcissist

Narcissists dispaly a pattern of self-centeredness and grandiosity.  They have an exaggerated sense of their own abilities and achievements, require constant attention, affirmation and praise and believe they are unique and special and should only associate with others who are equally unique and special (you).  These are all brilliant reasons they are your ex.

As stated, if you have children with a narcissist do check out our resources on parental alienation and divorcing the narcissist.  Forewarned is forearmed.

The post 20 Signs Your Ex Is Narcissistic appeared first on The Nurturing Coach.

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The Thriver’s Life Series – Guilt … Why You Feel It And How To Release It

The Thriver’s Life Series – Guilt … Why You Feel It And How To Release It

 

Guilt can feel confusing and I used to struggle with it terribly.

But I came to realise the ultimate truth – guilt does not allow you to be true to yourself, or authentically true to others either.

Guilt also causes many blocks in your healing, and keeps other people stuck in pain, suffering and stunted growth as well.

Come with me to this Thriver’s Life episode, where I go deeply into how releasing lingering guilt will accelerate your healing. As well as offer others the highest level of opportunity to also heal.

 

 

Video Transcript

Welcome to this Thriver’s Life episode, which is all about the next stages of expansion after narcissistic abuse.

Today I want to talk to you about guilt.

Guilt is a big thing.

It can really hold you back.

And even after dedicating yourself to your recovery from narcissistic abuse, it could still be lingering around. Maybe you haven’t realised how important it is to address it. And, how once you release it, there is such an acceleration in your healing.

In today’s episode, we are going to look at why you may still feel guilty, what the guilt is really about, and how to release yourself from it.

But before we get started, I’d like to thank each and every one of you for supporting the Thriver Mission and for sharing the truth that we can empower ourselves against narcissistic abuse and heal completely from it.

Okay so now let’s get started on today’s episode.

 

What Is Guilt?

Feeling guilty means that you are experiencing emotional distress regarding what you may or may not have done to another person.

We can also feel guilty regarding what we may or may not have done to ourselves.

Guilt in many ways is considered a healthy feeling. It means you have a conscience. It means that you care about other people. Usually, people who experience feelings of guilt are lovely people.

However, if it is such a great quality to have, why does it feel so crappy, and why does it keep us embroiled in situations that are not healthy for us?

There is a really good reason for this.

When you feel guilty, it means that there is confusion about what your own values and truths are and where your boundaries with somebody else do or don’t lie.

It can also be a sign of over responsibility and care to the detriment of your own responsibility and care for yourself.

The ultimate truth is that guilt is not allowing you to be true to yourself. Which means that you are not able to be authentically true to others.

Guilt also makes it exceedingly difficult for you to make mistakes, which all humans do, and be able to quickly be kind and honest to yourself and others about these mistakes.

Guilt often brings on attacks of shame, which means that it’s difficult to be open and honest about things and confront the sometimes messy and uncomfortable human interactions that we all must have, in order to be a part of true relationships.

Let me explain more about this …

 

Feeling Wrong When Valuing Yourself

Let’s imagine that you have somebody in your life who is disrespectful and even nasty. You know what they are saying is unhealthy for you. It feels like rubbish in your body every time you hear their damaging words.

If healed up enough, you can have the difficult conversations. You can honestly tell this person what it feels like when they speak to you like this, and how you would like for them to converse with you instead.

If you are really healed up and being true to your soul, you know how powerful it is to offer people an opportunity to rise up into a healthier relationship with you. You also know that, after asking for what you need, if they don’t have the resources or the desire to do this, that you are willing to set them free so that you can honour your soul’s sovereign right to be healthy.

For most of us, before the deep inner work, the thought of being this honest and/or ultimately walking away brings up a terror of being criticised, rejected, abandoned or punished for speaking up.

I have talked about these often as the fears of C.R.A.P.

Yet, as Thrivers, we start to understand that unless we can start to show up honestly with people in our life, there is a continuation of having to experience conversations and situations that are disrespectful.

This is not necessarily because other people are terrible, rather the deeper purpose of this is because we are undergoing the soul necessity of learning self-respect.

This is a deeper Quantum understanding that people treat us identically to the way that we treat and feel about ourselves, and that respectful empowered relationships can only be co-generated if we respect ourselves first.

And, we also understand that the evolutionary reason that we are experiencing disrespectful relationships is because we are carrying unresolved previous traumas from being disrespected in our past. Until these are cleaned up, we will receive “more of the same”.  And this will go on until we heal these parts of ourselves and can show up in a way that inspires and generates a change to “respect”.

Now, I promise you that all of this is leading somewhere in regard to guilt.

Let’s just say that you started backing away from this person. All of a sudden you were too busy, you make yourself scarce. You may even decide that you are unavailable or not home. Or maybe even get to a point where you just say, “I don’t want to see you anymore”.

Or maybe you just start getting all passive-aggressive around them. You don’t engage in conversations much. You go quiet.

Then guilt sets in. Were you too hard on this person? Do you have a right to wipe people out of your life, start ignoring them or barely have a word to say to them?

When we have entered the arena of “guilt” many questions and obsessions can arise.

It may be difficult for you to get resolution and peace around what happened or is still happening with this person.

What is this about?

What this is really about, is about you not being healed or comfortable enough to show up as being solid within your own body, being truthful about what it is that you need in order to feel respected.

I promise you this because I used to be one of these people. The people who don’t speak up with the truth about what they are really feeling and experiencing, are the people who struggle and suffer with the most guilt.

This is all about unfinished business. The reason why your choices now don’t land solidly and calmly in your body is that there are wounds and traumas within to release and resolve and heal from.

 

I Don’t Want to Hurt This Person

In regard to anyone that you need to say “no” to, tell the truth about how they’re treating you, or potentially pull away from, it may feel like you don’t want to hurt them.

But really, if you are truthful, you really fear getting hurt yourself.

Yet, now you already are, because you’re out of congruence.

These thoughts may be persistent, “Will this person start thinking that I am a bad person?”, “Will other people start believing I’m a bad person?”

You may tell yourself you don’t care, yet if you are honest with yourself you know that you do, and it’s not for the right reasons.

These are all the confusing and insidious feelings of guilt.

These unresolved feelings arise from the unmet, unhealed previous traumas of handing your power away in order to try to keep other people happy. These are deep wounds in the human consciousness of trying to appease others in order to be loved or safe.

These are often our unresolved beliefs from childhood, “If I keep you happy maybe you will love me” and “If I try to assert my own rights and truth you will hurt me” and so on and so forth.

This is not even to say that these people were narcissistic, because almost all of us came from the programming of, “children are seen and not heard” and are supposed to obey, rather than be able to express their own individuality, feelings and rights.

We have been programmed to “do the right thing”, often not realising that “the right thing” can be somebody else’s “right thing” and be completely wrong for us.

This is the conflict.

This is where guilt comes in. Guilt really goes like this, “I really don’t want to do this, but I feel guilty if I don’t do it”.

Or, “I really shouldn’t feel like this, but I do”.

Can you relate to this confusion? Can you see now how much this may have held you back in your life?

So, what would it take to become congruent with what you do want, as your Soul Truth, and following and living truthfully with what you feel?

It would require you first being honest with yourself and then being honest with others, and then making the choices that align with that truth.

Let’s now take this deeper …

 

By Acting Out of Guilt You Hurt Others

You may think that giving in to your guilt, and going along with others is the kindest and nicest thing you can do.

You may think that you’re the only one who is suffering as a result of your guilt.

That is totally not the truth.

Imagine if you stayed in a relationship because you felt too guilty to leave this person. That would mean you are there on false pretences. You are not offering them or yourself the opportunity to align with someone who is genuinely in love and matched with either of you.

Imagine if you go along with someone’s demanding behaviour because you feel too guilty to speak up and tell them that they are crossing your boundaries.

Not only are you engaging with them from resentment and lack of connection, but you also aren’t offering this person the opportunity to have reflected back to them their behaviour and become more self-actualised.

That’s not to say everybody can grow or change, but if you don’t honour the truth of yourself in your exchange with them, then you are never offering them the opportunity to do so.

Many people, non-narcissistic people, absolutely want your feedback and to have the opportunity to meet you at a higher level of genuine relationships as a result of you being honest with them.

If you stay stuck in your guilt and keep playing out the insidious lower-level exchanges with them, whilst refusing to step up to the plate (which is truly how we should be with the people who we love) then you deny them their possible evolution opportunity.

Neale Donald Walsch put it like this, “to allow an abuser to continue abusing is an act of abuse”.

I want you to really think about that.

 

Guilt Regarding Those We Have Hurt

I know we can feel terribly guilty about those we have hurt as a result of our own behaviour.

Personally, I suffered extreme guilt regarding what I put my son and other people through as a result of my own narcissistic abuse experience.

And, before I healed my guilt, I tried to make amends in really unhealthy ways. When I was trying to make up for what I had done, whilst hanging onto the horrific guilt inside of me, all I did was make matters worse.

I had to turn inwards to heal and release my own feelings of extreme guilt. Trying to fix other people to take away my guilt didn’t work. When I was still banging around in all the traumatisation of my victimisation guilt, I certainly wasn’t. I wasn’t even listened to. I wasn’t taken seriously.

The truth was I hadn’t taken myself seriously yet nor had I taken myself seriously inwards to do the real inner work.

This inner work was deeply between me and myself, and as a result of healing my feelings with Quanta Freedom Healing, and moving into emotional freedom, I was able to show up being genuinely, solidly and maturely remorseful.

Guilt had been replaced by acceptance. I deeply understood that all that had played out was not just for my evolution, it was for others as well. Rather than stay stuck in the trauma of the past, it was up to me to be a generative force leading by example.

I discovered, from this place, I was easily accepted and forgiven.

I also understood another phenomenon – that the deep healing on myself created a phenomenal shift in them as well. Such is the power of Quanta Freedom Healing.

 

How to Transform Guilt

The other side of guilt is absolutely glorious. The healing that occurs as a result of releasing our guilt is magnificent. It’s really magical.

We see so many people in the NARP community have unprecedented breakthroughs and acceleration in their healing when they focus on loading up, releasing and transforming the guilt with NARP Module work.

The best modules to use are Module One, the Source Healing and Resolution Module, and as always Module Six is powerful for guilt work, as well as releasing co-dependency and establishing healthy empowered boundaries.

I hope that I have inspired you to set yourself free from guilt. It’s one of the most important missions you will ever have.

And I’d love to help you get started on this. Please come into my free webinar where I explain to you more about this, as well as how NARP can transform your life, and I take you through a Quanta Freedom Healing where you can start releasing your guilt immediately.

To get this process started you can click the link at the top right of this video.

And as always, I look forward to answering your comments and questions below.

 

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Parental Alienation and Accountability

DISORDERED PARENTING AND PARENTAL ALIENATION

 

Disordered parenting and parental alienation affects hundreds of thousands of children every year in the UK alone.  And yet cases are often misrepresented and misinterpreted leading children to being left in the care of abusive parents, all  under the supervision of agencies whose sole responsibility is to protect vulnerable children.

 

Child protection issue

 

Parental alienation and disordered parenting is child abuse.  It is emotional, physical, psychological and sometimes sexual abuse.  The main categories are:

 

  • Rejecting (spurning) 
  • Terrorizing 
  • Corrupting  
  • Denying essential stimulation, emotional responsiveness, or availability  
  • Unreliable and inconsistent parenting  
  • Mental health, medical, or educational neglect  
  • Degrading/devaluing (spurning)  
  • Isolating  
  • Exploiting

 

Adapted from Joan T. Kloth-Zanard, 2012, FOR THOSE THAT REFUSE TO USE THE WORD PARENTAL ALIENATION 9 CRITERIA FOR CLASSIFYING AGGRESSIVE PARENTING BEHAVIORS AS PSYCHOLOGICAL ABUSE AND DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

 

Legal issue

 

  • Family courts are often adversarial, unaffordable, slow, and even intimidating – characteristics which are profoundly incompatible with “the best interests” of children; 
  • Family courts and lawyers are neither qualified to assess children, nor to assess the competence of other professionals, and insufficient professionals have the highly specialized skills necessary for assessing children and families involved in separation, dispute or litigation, where the incidence of family violence & abusive parental behaviour, including extreme psychological manipulation of children, is very high; 
  • By exposing children to unqualified “professionals”, by taking years to make decisions, and by greatly exacerbating parental conflict & stress, our courts contribute directly to the occurrence of psychological child abuse and family violence; 
  • Our courts restrict public scrutiny and fail to obtain feedback on the outcomes of the thousands of life-changing decisions they make each year; theirs is not the open, evidence-based approach our children need and deserve; 
  • Through the actions of our family courts, which typically result in a dramatic reduction, or loss, of loving, important relationships between children and parents (or a failure to restore such relationships), the UK is failing in its obligations as a signatory to the UN Convention on the Rights of the Child & the Universal Declaration of Human Rights: we are denying some of the most fundamental rights, and needs, to tens of thousands of children and to their families; 
  • The annual cost of our family court system in government funding, consequent welfare dependency and lost income: billions of pounds. The cost in human loss and suffering: incalculable.

 

Adapted from Family Law Reform Coalition (AUS), 2015, Children in Crisis Executive Summary Urgent actions required to protect children in divided families 

 

Health issue

 

Parental mental health impacts the child’s outcomes.  Therefore a disordered parent is going to have a huge impact on a child’s health and well-being.  

 

Children of disordered parents and those who experience parental alienation often experience the following in adulthood:

 

  • Depression
  • Low self esteem
  • Substance misuse
  • Reduced ability to self direct
  • Reduced willingness to co-operate
    • (Amy J. L. Baker & Maria Christina Verrocchio 2013)
  • Anger and aggression
  • Self harm and suicide
  • Splitting
  • Long term mental health issues such as narcissism

Education issue

Hostile or neglectful parenting can result in anxiety and stress related disordered in children.  This can make school a very difficult environment for children.  They will be hypersensitive to sensory input and struggle with peer relationships.  This can lead them to be disruptive, withdrawn and eventually non-attenders (through expulsion or truancy).

Social Issue

When a child has chaos, neglect, threat, violence and other adversity, their potential is stunted, distorted and fragmented and when development is delayed, disrupted or impaired, the risk for more self-absorbed, impulsive, aggressive, violent and anti-social behaviour increases.  

Adapted from Bruce D Perry, 1996, Reflections on Childhood, Trauma and Society

Isn’t it time we worked together to address this problem?

The post Parental Alienation and Accountability appeared first on The Nurturing Coach.

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ECHO: Empowered Code For Healthy Outreach

ECHO: Empowered Code For Healthy Outreach

 

Today I want to tell you about a very powerful tool that has had a major impact on the healing process in our Thriver Community.

I developed ECHO, the Empowered Code for Healthy Outreach, because I wanted to honour people who had been victimised so that they could share their story, but I wanted it to be in a healthy way so that they could be met and supported to turn within and self-partner and start powerfully healing.

ECHO takes you through a Three-Step Process that shows you how to share information in the best possible way to generate healing.

I know it will help you understand how and why, this one shift in the sharing of your pain, can have such a profound difference in how you can heal from abuse and painful relationships.

 

 

Video Transcript

Today I want to talk to you about an especially important topic.

It’s called ECHO.

Echo is an interesting “name” in narcissistic abuse communities. You may know of the myth of Narcissus and how Echo fell in love with him. Narcissus was obsessed and in love with his own reflection in the water, and starved Echo of his love, which caused her to wither away and die.

Today, that is not the echo I’m talking about.

The ECHO that I do want to share with you is about the Empowered Code for Healthy Outreach.

Why am I talking about ECHO with you today?

Because understanding ECHO, will change the way that you reach out for help with narcissistic abuse, and deliver you powerfully onto the path of your true healing.

As you watch this episode, I promise you’ll understand why.

 

How Did ECHO Come About?

ECHO was originally the NARP Member’s Forum Code of Conduct. Our beautiful MTE team member Violet channelled this incredible and updated acronym name, which is just being released right now.

Okay … so now to the history of this Code, launched today as ECHO.

Many years ago, as my narcissistic abuse recovery work expanded, many people from all over the world, who had been narcissistically abused, were meeting in my Forum.

It shocked me, how people stuck in so much pain were lashing out not just about what the narcissist had done to them, but at other members of the Forum as well.

The Forum environment was incredibly toxic. It was beyond difficult to try to help people heal. And when people did try to encourage other people to drop the war story and start looking within to heal themselves, these people were demonised and attacked.

They were called victim shamers and blamers as well as many other things.

This was horrible to witness. How could I sort this out? I wanted to honour people who had been victimised so that they could share their story, but it needed to be in a healthy way so that they could be met and supported to turn within and self-partner and start powerfully healing.

I sat with it one afternoon, in deep inner enquiry, and the answer came.

The answer was ECHO.

 

What is ECHO?

ECHO is a Code to help people heal.

It is many things. There is one part of it, that I want to share with you – the Three-Step Process regarding how to share information to generate healing.

Hence why ECHO is called the Empowered Code for Healthy Outreach.

Let me explain this to you, starting with Step 1.

 

Step 1: Explain the Situation Factually

This is a statement of what your situation is, regarding narcissistic abuse.

Often, of course, in victimised pain, you look outwards and are in the war story of what happened to you. Which is completely and utterly understandable. Yet, this ignites cortisol and adrenaline. It accentuates fight and flight, which is trauma.

We know now, from the incredible work of scientists such as Bruce Lipton and Joe Dispenza, that when we are in this state there is a dire disconnection from calm, power and solution as well as healing and evolution.

In this place of heightened stress, you are also cut off from health and well-being. Your immune system and response to disease and threat physically, emotionally and spiritually is reduced … terribly.

Fight and flight is effective when you are in a situation of physical threat and need to get up a tree away from a predator. However, in terms of sorting out and healing and empowering our lives, this state is disastrous.

Not only does it impact us negatively, it triggers other people to catch the disease of victimisation, which ignites peptide addiction and keeps people extremely sick, and in progressive disintegration.

This is not just delaying healing; it makes it impossible.

Of course, venting in this way is completely understandable, but we can grow up to the point where we ask ourselves, “What do I really want to achieve regarding my healing? Do I want to get to the resolution of the trauma and claim my power, freedom and health?”

Of course, you know the answer to that question.

Okay, so rather than expressing what is happening to you in a traumatised, victimised way (which of course is very compelling and even addictive to do), if your explanation is calm and factual without using emotionally triggering words and statements, this keeps your Inner Being in a much healthier place.

Also, it doesn’t trigger others into a reactivation of trauma and powerlessness.

Please know there is no right or wrong. There is only what does and doesn’t work in relation to what we want to achieve.

So, in regard to Step One, Explain the Situation Factually, let me give you an example of what doesn’t work, as opposed to what does to take you towards your healing.

Jane is suffering the trauma of being hooked into her ex and she can’t stop breaking No Contact.

A victimised way for her to reach out for help in this situation would be something like this …

“I’m losing my mind. Why am I so stupid? Why can’t I stop going back? He just keeps hurting me, but I can’t stop loving him.”

Jane, at this point, is looking outside at what is happening in her life and has not started to self-partner to connect to her emotions (subconscious programs), to get into her own body where her power really is.

Yet, a small shift in the awareness of how to express what is happening to her can start that process, by saying something like this …

Step One: (Explain the Situation Factually) “I have broken No Contact three times in the last week. Every time I contact him, he is still abusing me and I get treated worse.”

The shift here is that Jane is simply expressing what has happened to her factually. This keeps her in her body and not falling into triggered peptide programs.

Now, Jane can move on to Step Two, which is …

 

Step Two: Claim and Express Your Painful Emotions

This part is initially tricky for people to do. But it is so powerful and 100% necessary for you to generate true healing.

By ceasing to focus on “the outside” and start coming deeply “inside”, you will awaken to, contact and start to heal your subconscious inner programs that are unconsciously co-generating the pain you are presently experiencing.

The reason why going inside to claim your own feelings is so powerful is because you are the only person who has the power to change in order to change your life.

So, what this means is you can start connecting to what you are feeling inside you and name it. This brings you relief and power by putting you back inside your Being – which is the only place where your power is.

Without you doing Step Two, healing is just not possible.

Let me give you an example of how this works with Jane again.

In her initial powerless statement, she said, “Why am I so stupid? Why can’t I stop going back?”

These are statements of being completely disconnected from self, rather than being self-partnered.

Her path to becoming powerfully self-partnered and healing her traumatised feelings began when she said:

Step Two: (Claim and Express Your Painful Emotions) “I feel like I am losing my mind. I feel powerless, worthless, broken. I feel like I’ll die without him loving me. I feel like I can’t live life alone, without him and that there is no hope for me to be okay on my own. This is what makes me contact him.”

By being REAL, about what is going on inside of her, Jane has just opened an incredible truth channel where others now have deep insight to what is really going on inside of Jane, and can reflect back to her WHY she is in such a “hooked in” situation.

This is what, as Thrivers, we do for each other. And it is incredibly healing (you will understand why soon).

None of this orientation and true solution was possible until Jane used the ECHO method.

Step Three is also vital.

It is this.

 

Step Three: Ask For A Solution

When you don’t ask for help and simply post about your suffering, what you are saying to yourself, other people and all of Life is this:

“I’m a victim.”, “I don’t deserve help!”, “I’m not worth helping!”, “There is no support for me!”

This will not shift in your experience until you start showing up asking for what you need.

This could be as simple as asking, “Please help me with this.”

How often have you heard somebody bang on with ferocity, pain and devastation, and you don’t even know whether they’re asking for help or just venting?

Something powerful happens when you set the intention and express that you want solution and healing. It starts the cogs of life shifting gears to support you and help bring that to pass.

So, after Step Two and Jane owning her feelings, she then posted …

Step Three: (Ask for a Solution) “Please someone help me, please help me get strong so I can stay away from him.”

Previously Jane had not asked directly for any help at all.

Now Jane could be met powerfully, truthfully and lovingly, in a way that helped her claim, shift and heal the necessary inner traumas to have her Thriver Breakthrough.

When Jane was instructed to shift EXACTLY those traumas she named, from her Inner Being with the NARP Healing Modules, she discovered the truth, about was really going on.

Somewhere in her past, Jane established wounds of not being worthy of love, of feeling she had to earn it, and she knew the familiarity of, “people who love me hurt me, abandon me and don’t want me”.

She had established these beliefs, “If people leave me I’ll die, I am defenceless on my own”. These were huge young survival programs established in her DNA as a child, and even further back, that Jane had previously felt powerless to overcome.

This was why she had kept going back to be battered time and time again, even though she wanted the abuse to end.

The same is true for all of us – there is a REASON within as to why we can’t get out of the abuse patterns.

Jane released and re-programmed these wounds with NARP Module work.

She then went free of those traumas and easily held No Contact.

 

The Shift From Victimisation to ECHO

Let’s just refresh our memory again.

Jane’s victimised post was:

“I’m losing my mind. Why am I so stupid? Why can’t I stop going back? He just keeps hurting me, but I can’t stop loving him.”

Now, I want you to feel into these words and feel the energy of them. What do they feel like in your body? Do they feel messy, traumatised, confused and hard to meet and help?

How do you help somebody who is in this place? It’s very hard to do.

Are they even in a space where they can be helped?

No!

Now let’s go through the ECHO method of expressing yourself, and see how it feels in your body.

Step One: (Explain the Situation Factually) “I have broken no contact three times in the last week. Every time I contact him he is still abusing me and I get treated worse.”

Step Two: (Claim and Express Your Painful Emotions) “I feel like I am losing my mind. I feel powerless, worthless, broken, I feel like I’ll die without him loving me. I feel like I can’t live life alone, without him and that there is no hope for me to be okay on my own. This is what makes me contact him.”

Step Three: (Ask for a Solution) “Please someone help me, please help me get strong so I can stay away from him.”

Feel this in your body. I want you to really feel it … inside.

Now pause this video and share in the comments how this ECHO way of reaching out feels in your body.

Okay, so I hope that this has brought to light some of what goes on in the NARP community behind the scenes.

There is healing miracle after miracle in there every day. NARP and ECHO combined are powerfully responsible for that – as are the incredible MTE staff of moderators and also beautiful loving Thrivers, ever capable and able to support you with your Thriver healing.

I really want you to know that ECHO is not just for the NARP Member’s Forum. It is such an empowered and healthy way to be able to conduct your entire life because it allows you to stay in your body and co-generate real solution and healing.

Those of you NARPers who are Gold members, and are not as yet active in the Forum, I encourage you to come into the Forum and receive these magical up-levels and transformations.

And, for those of you who are not as yet NARPers, I can’t recommend enough, if you are struggling with recovery, or are in toxic environments of victimisation and venting with other people, or with yourself, to think seriously about getting involved in this incredible community, as a NARP Member.

You can do so, and become a NARP member today, by clicking this link.

And as always, I look forward to answering your comments and questions below.

 

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