Protecting Yourself from Covert Narcissism: What Science Says



00:00 How to Protect Yourself from the Trap of Covert Narcissism: The Science Might Surprise You!
00:25 Brief Overview of Covert vs Overt Narcissism
02:25 New Research on how Covert (Introverted) Narcissists Act in Relationships
06:25 Extraverted (Overt) Narcissism and the Dark Tetrad
08:40 Recognize “Apparent” Vulnerability (Emotionality)!

Covert narcissism and covert narcissists are particularly confusing for survivors because the *appear* to be vulnerable, even though they’re not. And that can be especially troublesome for echoists, as I discussed in the previous video, who may see such moments of apparent vulnerability as a bid for the very caretaking they tend to be good at.

Here I review the most recent hot-off-the-presses research on the difference between overt (extraverted) and covert (introverted) narcissism, with a special focus on the unique dangers each of them presents. Then I give you a way to see way a head of time any trouble the relationship might bring into your life.

For more on echoism, see:
www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/tech-support/201810/unloved-daughters-why-the-term-echoism-may-help-you-heal

blogs.psychcentral.com/knotted/2018/11/when-youre-not-narcissistic-enough-meet-the-echoist/
tonic.vice.com/en_us/article/mby3pv/echoists-are-basically-the-opposite-of-narcissists?fbclid=IwAR0czRJEb30wRRq-0sXhKWc2u1aMgOgzf5I5CRKEWAXG-oU6PvMRKq8wLM4

AMAZON: www.amazon.com/dp/0062348116/keywords=psychology%20books?tag=imprintweb-20
ITUNES/APPLE: books.apple.com/br/book/rethinking-narcissism/id929341420?l=en
BARNES & NOBLE: www.barnesandnoble.com/noresults/9780062348104
INDIEBOUND: www.indiebound.org/book/9780062348111
BOOKS-A-MILLION: www.booksamillion.com/p/Rethinking-Narcissism/Craig-Malkin/9780062348111?id=8510117162309
HARPERCOLLINS: www.harpercollins.com/products/rethinking-narcissism-dr-craig-malkin?variant=32132801200162

www.drcraigmalkin.com

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Why Narcissists Punish You at Holiday Time

Toxic vs Authentic Gratitude

A very happy Thanksgiving to all our Thrivers who are celebrating!

It’s such a beautiful way of focussing on gratitude – and it got me to thinking about how sometimes gratitude can be used and spun in ways that mean it is toxic to us.

And of course, narcissists are fully capable of employing toxic gratitude in their arsenal of weapons against us!

New Age ‘love and light’ positivity and standard Law of Attraction techniques are other ways in which gratitude can become toxic. It’s like ‘putting ice-cream on top of poop’ – it looks beautiful, but it’s hard to stomach.

So join me in today’s Thriver TV episode, where I will show you how to recognise toxic gratitude. I’ll explain how to anchor into your own authenticity so that true gratitude can naturally flow, as an outpouring of your Beingness – and as a part of the magical journey of Life.

 

 

Video Transcript

Today I want to wish you all a really happy and beautiful Thanksgiving!

This is such a special time for our Thriver tribe in the United States, to be able to get together with your family and friends and share gorgeous gratitude.

That brings me to today’s topic. I want to talk about toxic and authentic gratitude.

But before I get started, I’d like to remind you to subscribe to my YouTube channel if you haven’t already, and please be sure to share my material with other people it can help. Let’s get the message out there that we can not only survive narcissistic abuse, but also truly thrive after it.

 

Narcissists and Toxic Gratitude

I’ll begin with the narcissist’s perspective of toxic gratitude.

A narcissist will grandstand and declare that you should be grateful for any little thing they can put their finger on that they have done for you.

This may be something they have done with an agenda attached, or maybe it’s something that is in the basic realm of normal, decent human behavior – like an abusive parent who expects their child to be grateful that they have put food in their mouth and clothes on their back.

They will use any little thing to proclaim that, “I’ve done all of this amazing stuff, so how dare you speak up about the atrocious, disgusting stuff I’ve also done!”

It’s like living next door to a really lovely man who beings in your garbage each week but he ends up shooting another neighbour or his family. There is absolutely no excuse for such atrocious behaviour, however many garbage bins have been brought in for you.

Likewise a narcissist will tell you that you should be grateful for all of the things that they have apparently done for you, and those small things are meant to completely cancel out the way they trample your values, your rights and your deservedness with their atrocious behaviour.

This is not about gratitude. This is gaslighting.

It also trains you to be in a scarcity mentality of thinking, “Well, I have to accept breadcrumbs. I have to accept the bad with the good in order to try to get any sort of love, approval, security and survival.”

If we haven’t healed up and grown, we are unable to anchor into our deservedness and abundance.

None of us deserve perfection (because it doesn’t exist), but we absolutely do deserve kindness, decency and consistency, and we can hold people accountable if they do atrocious things.

We also can choose not to continue our life with them if they don’t show genuine remorse, atone for their actions and learn from their behavior. That’s the fundamental foundations of any healthy relationship.

I promise you, when you become a thriver you will no longer will put up with shocking behaviour to try to have your needs met. It just won’t happen.

 

New Age Toxic Positivity

The second type of toxic gratitude that I want to look at is this New Age, fluffy, ‘love and light’ belief that we have got to look for the positive, and be positive about everything. I’m going to be really outspoken about this – it’s garbage.

I’m sick of seeing people behave like that, because it’s not real.

It’s kind of interesting that even people in this community who have shed their trauma and done the inner work can be grandstanding in their righteousness. They can be blossoming, blooming and feeling that beautiful life force and Source energy flowing through them, yet be saying to others, “You should just be positive”.

They’ve maybe forgotten what it was like at the start of their journey, when they had to dig in and lean inwards, to be able to detox their trauma. It is only by removing trauma that we can make space for well-being, Source flow, and true gratitude and positivity.

So if you find yourself doing this, I want you to be really humble and remember what it was like when you were stuck in your internal trauma. Humans are not appliances, so you couldn’t just flick a switch. You had to make space for the good stuff.

 


 

 

Law of Attraction and Faux Gratitude

The third place where toxic gratitude can happen is within Law of Attraction.

I’m not a fan of standard Law of Attraction, because it can involve faux gratitude and ‘fake it til I make it’. For example, inwardly declaring “I’m grateful for my life partner” – and then pretending this person is already present, and being really grateful for him or her. Setting the table for two, for example – people can take this to the nth degree.

Or “I’m really grateful for all of the money that I have,” when you don’t have any.

You might have seen on social media that a lot of people are putting up posts about, “You’ll be blessed with riches if you say amen,” and all this kind of stuff. I find it interesting that the people who frequent those kind of posts and say “amen” don’t have riches. And I don’t expect them to get riches because they’re not living in the now, where our power really is.

Our power is not in the future.

What happens is that if you are grateful for your future and trying to manifest it into the now, then there’s a big gap between reality and your projection into the future, which isn’t congruent in the quantum time-space of your power with Source now.

So a lot of these people end up being very devastated, disappointed and self-sabotaging in regard to getting love, money, or whatever else they desire.

This is why I see that as toxic gratitude rather than as authentic gratitude.

 

Authentic Gratitude

So what is authentic gratitude?

This is a quantum discussion and is something I didn’t have a grasp on until I went quantum. Once I did go quantum, I really started to embody, understand, live and reflect quantum gratitude.

What’s really interesting is that it’s a dichotomy because it’s so big, but yet it’s so simple.

It’s so big because it is the bigger picture, which is very quantum. It’s about the interconnectedness of all things. It’s about how the composition of our Beingness is connected to the Field, Source, Life and others.

The simplicity of it is in the small things – it’s in the detail.

If we’re doing toxic gratitude then we’re focussing on ’the stuff’ and the things that are separated from us – that we’re hoping to get our Beingness from. Yet it’s our Beingness that creates things durably and for real in a way that is authentic.

Authentic gratitude is about a deeper understanding, acceptance and connection to that Beingness.

For myself, rather than trying to get ‘the stuff’ from outside of myself to be grateful for, I started to be grateful about the journey of my Soul and my Beingness.

This was very simple – it was about loading up whatever hurt and letting it go, by using Quanta Freedom Healing. Then I could bring in the Superconscious Light of Source – which is my Higher Beingness and the Beingness that I actually want – the calm, the peace, the wisdom, the solidness, the feeling of love, belonging, wholeness and connection to the entire Field.

Then the gratitude became like a magical journey of life.

In seeing, knowing and embodying, it comes online. It’s something I started to live and to know – a seeing of the interconnectedness between all things and a knowing that when support came to me from the outside, it was a reflection of how I was supporting myself on the inside.

This internal support was that process of purging what wasn’t me – the ego, my 3D self, my small human egoic, logical, disconnected self – that had accumulated so much personal traumatic fear and pain. It was letting that go and then bringing in the Source self that was far more infinite, eternal, immortal and connected to the Field in a quantum way.

The simple things became so powerful.

I’ll never forget one of the first times after I’d done a lot of shifts on myself, I walked into a bakery and about three people turned and smiled at me. I remember that I was standing there and I dropped something and a man picked it up and he said, “Can I get this for you?” The lady behind the counter looked me in the eyes and she said, “Hello, sweetheart, what would you like?”

And it went ping for me.

I knew the magic was because I’d been tending to my inner being and making my journey about that – releasing the fear and the pain and filling with the light and my true self. The outside had shifted instantaneously to show me the evidence of that.

That’s what I became grateful about. That’s my authentic gratefulness.

We don’t have to wake up traumatized and having a gratitude list of 100 things, to try to save our vibration, pick it up and fix it. Running off a list of, “I’m grateful for this,” is an overlay – a spiritual bypass.

It’s like trying to put ice cream on top of poop, because the trauma is still there and the pain is still there. We’re trying to manage and train ourselves out of it, rather than actually shift and change our Beingness, to live in the wonder and the magic of the interconnectedness of all things.

I’m so grateful for that awareness now. I am grateful for when I get a horrible trigger from the outside, because it is actually showing me that I still have a matching belief or a trauma in there.

There was a situation, an event in my life just recently, which was a big trigger and a huge trauma. At first, I spun into the human aspect of it. But then I blessed, accepted and had gratitude for the trigger. I understood that, “this isn’t happening to me, it’s happening for me – what is this showing me?”

Then I was able to go inside, target the trauma generating ‘this’ – what was happening in my life and the trigger inside of me – load it up, release it and bring my Higher Self and Source.

This led me to go up to an even freer level, being eternally grateful that this person in my life had brought this forth to help me heal something and rise above. Something I never could have achieved if this hadn’t happened.

As Neale Donald Walsch famously said in one of his ‘Conversation With God’ books, “I only bring you angels. I only bring you angels.” When we go quantum, this is the level of gratitude that you start living.

This level of gratitude is completely unconditional. It’s not conditional on anything happening.

We’re no longer dependent. We’re no longer ’empty until…’. We’re fulfilled, filled, awake, aware and evolving no matter what.

Could there be any greater gratitude than that?

 

In Conclusion

I hope I’ve been able to express in words what I hope you can feel cellularly as a deep truth.

Sometimes it’s hard to explain something that you can’t touch, see, smell or feel. You can only know it when you start living that way.

If this has resonated with you – if it has helped you understand a deep meaning to life – then I’d love you to check out this link to the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program (NARP), which is exactly how I got to that level of gratitude and life force.

I also want you to have a look at what’s coming up – an exciting workshop that I’m going to be giving to help you these holidays!

This Healing Holiday Heartbreak Workshop can not only help you heal anything you have been going through this Thanksgiving, it can also help you turn your Holiday Time into the most beautiful time you could ever imagine.

This could be your entry point to start learning what I’ve been talking about today, and to start going quantum with me and this incredible community. So check that out as well.

And I just want to say to all of you, I am so grateful for you. I love you so much. I couldn’t be doing what I’m doing, living the life that I’m having and the expansion that I experience if it wasn’t for all of you in this co-creation with me.

So, so much love to you. Until the next one, keep smiling, keep healing and keep thriving because there is nothing else to do.

And I’d love to see you in the comments below.

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Man yelling behind upset woman

6 Things To Remember If You Are Divorcing A Narcissist

Man yelling behind upset woman

 

Narcissists are people who have the personality of thinking and admiring themselves. As they have a huge need for attention and admiration for themselves, they lack empathy for others resulting in troubled relationships.

Things to Remember When Divorcing a Narcissist

These people remain captivating and charming in the first place, but when they start staying together with their partners, adjustments become difficult for them. When divorcing a narcissist, you should remember the following things.

Defend Yourself Against The Lies In Court

You should use a diary and take notes of everything, even if it seems insignificant. It would help if you communicated with your narcissist partner through mail or texts so that written documents remain as proof. Your verbal communication should be minimal, without any emotions. You should not provide any reaction or get provoked by the words of your partner. You should also not discuss any court proceedings. In case of any confusion, you should consult with your lawyer.

Never Go For Negotiation If They Beg And Plead

They will never let you go easily. So they can plead and beg for what they want. They will even do things to make you feel wonderful and will promise that they will change their attitude and behavior. But when they cannot soften you, they might curse you, saying that you will never find someone good or you will be ruined. Whatever the situation, never get manipulated into going back to them. If you are courageous enough to stick to your course, you will be grateful in the long run. A family law attorney will guide you so you never get manipulated.

Never Try Rationalizing With Your Partner

Rationalizing will never work with your partner, who will soon be your ex. Narcissists will never care about rational thoughts and are very much involved in what they think. If you want to share rational thoughts, you should share them with your support team, who will understand you properly. They are aware of the truth and your situation and will be there for you whenever required.

Never Get Provoked With Lies

Your narcissistic partner may lie in court. It is to get your attention and provoke you. They may scream, throw tantrums and do whatever they want to provoke you. You need to breathe calmly and never get involved in the provocation. Though it is very tough to stay calm in situations where you are being humiliated with huge lies, you need to stay patient and calm to get results in the long run.

Never Become Emotional

A narcissist’s main goal will be to get a rise out of you. When you get emotional, they will easily prove you the person they want you to be proved in front of the court. They are very manipulative and charming. If you fall for their charm, it will create a picture of their positive side and your negative side in front of the court. The less emotional you will remain, the better your position will be. It would be good if you never screamed or yelled out your feelings at the court, as it will never look good in front of them.

Hire A Specialist Lawyer

The divorce process is tough, but with a specialist lawyer, it will become smooth. Make sure that the lawyer has dealt with similar cases before so that you have a high chance of winning the case. It will help if you are looking for lawyers who specialize in dealing with Divorce from a narcissist.

Conclusion

Dealing with narcissists is difficult if you get easily provoked and emotional. So, when you are fighting a case against them, you should hire a specialist lawyer against them who can help you win the case.

The post 6 Things To Remember If You Are Divorcing A Narcissist appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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Why Narcissists Punish You at Holiday Time

Do You Feel Unloved At Holiday Time?

Holiday season can be the most painful time of year for people – because traditionally it is exactly when we are supposed to be connected, loving and loved with family, friends and hopefully an intimate other.

I remember in my past feeling so empty, worthless and discarded that I didn’t want to live. All I could do was curl up and hide under a blanket on the couch citing that I was unwell. I couldn’t face the celebrations or being around people.

I was love-sick. Sick of feeling unloved, unworthy of love and as if there was something very wrong with me.

I wouldn’t wish this feeling on anyone. You would rather be hit with ten sticks!

I know how many of you have suffered this, or may be terrified about feeling like this, this Holiday season.

 

Being Replaced By a New Lover At Holiday Time

Not long before the worst Christmas Day of my life, I had bumped into the ex-narcissist whilst shopping. He was with a young, glamorous, gorgeous woman. She clearly wasn’t just a ‘friend’. Since then, my mind had not stopped racing or my heart palpitating, imagining them together, happy and loved up, whilst I barely had the capacity to leave my bed let alone the house.

Mind you, it wasn’t as if I had the ‘evidence’ that this was happening. My imaginings were enough to cripple me. My heart goes out to all of you, in this time of social media exposure where narcissists from all over the world showcase their ‘new loves’ to all and sundry. It’s a badge they wear – “look at me! I can have a relationship straight away again. Therefore, I am the ‘right’ and ‘healthy’ one.”

A hot spot for this is holiday time. It’s the perfect opportunity to grandstand their new love-life to family and associates, as well as do what narcissists love to do – kick dirt cruelly into the face of the ex-partner.

Their skewered brain computes “You didn’t work for me, and so now you will be demonised and punished.”

Seeing the ex-narcissist loved up with another is terrible salt in the wounds of your already shattered heart and psyche.

Of course you can be forgiven for thinking “Was I the problem? Otherwise how is it that someone else can get his / her love – that I wanted?”

Maybe your holidays with this person became tumultuous (which is common) and now here is your ex and new partner spending time with the people and family that you used to see, maybe even including your joint children.

You haven’t just lost your lover to another, you have also lost your social and celebration circles.

This is all beyond painful. I know there are many of you feeling this because we hear you reaching out to us every year with such devastation. What I just described is very common in this community.

 


 

 

Being Gas-Lit, Ignored or Discarded at Holiday Time

Narcissists hate special events and holidays where the attention may go on other people. This is a very precarious time for them emotionally because they can’t regulate narcissistic supply – meaning keep the attention and energy directed solely on them.

If you are close to a narcissist, you could well be in the firing line. To get supply, the narcissist will lash out and hurt you by ignoring, pulling away, starting fights and threatening to break up with you. They will renege on promises to get back together, won’t keep arrangements, and may go missing in action for hours or even days where they are uncontactable.

Of course this punishing regime could take place with a narcissistic family member, or a friend, as well as a narcissistic love partner.

The narcissist will do ‘the thing’ that they know will hurt you the most, and it’s important to understand that the narcissist is only loyal to themselves – or more specifically their only master, The False Self.

If this means disappearing and taking up with old or new supply, because that is what is going to feed their ego, so be it. The narcissist has no concern or conscience about the effect on you.

If the narcissist feels ‘off’ due to lack of supply, then you are inevitably to blame, regardless of what you did or didn’t do. The narcissist will do whatever it takes to get relief, and the end justifies the means, no matter who is betrayed or suffers in the process.

You just being ‘happy’ and connecting to other people is enough to have the narcissist lashing out and sabotaging your happiness. As far as they are concerned, if they are unhappy and you happy then ‘the score’ needs to be levelled.

Holiday time is a red-hot period for this to happen to you – I can’t tell you how many narcissistic relationships explode at this time.

 

Hoovering At Holiday Time

Narcissists feel threatened when they lose the spotlight, and they suffer when they see the good cheer of those around them, because this reminds the narcissist about how miserable, needy and empty they really feel on this inside.

This is why holiday time is a hotspot for a narcissist to start recycling past lovers – it’s a time when they love to hoover old supply.

“Who still misses me? Who can I hit up for attention and sex? Whose heart can I play with again to remind myself of how significant I really am?”

Of course, this person will only be used by the narcissist – for selfish self-medication, or to punish the current partner or most recent ex.

When the usefulness of the hoover is over then a cruel discard may follow – unless the narcissist is preparing to jump ship into the next screen-play of their life. Then the hoovered person will become their object of the moment, and the narcissist will start exploiting them and siphoning them of life-force and ‘stuff’.

None of it is a compliment. It’s not about love.

If you still feel trauma bonded to a narcissist you may be hoovered at holiday time out of the blue. As the saying goes. “if you fool me once shame on you, if you fool me twice shame on me.”

This is why it’s so important to get clear, work on healing ourselves and rise above the horror show of being hoovered in, only to be devastated and destroyed again – or to tolerate someone disappearing and betraying us with other people simply to feed their own ego.

 

The Intense Aloneness of Not Feeling Loved

Of course, it’s devastating to feel devalued, ignored, discarded, disappeared on and replaced.

It’s horrifying.

It makes us question everything about our own lovableness. How do we recover from such painful love? Is it possible to risk opening one’s heart again to receive love?

Maybe we even doubt that it exists?

I promise you I felt all of this – as I know many of you do. The loneliness and helplessness I experienced was so overwhelming I thought I would die.

However now I know a different possibility. I’ve broken free from the obsession, the struggle of being trauma bonded to someone ripping my heart to pieces – and most of all I was able to shift out and replace my painful beliefs about myself.

I let go of the beliefs that

Now I have the absolute joy and privilege to help thousands of people just like me not only survive narcissistic trauma at holiday time, but also take back their power and Thrive – by learning and implementing a few key powerful and FAST shifts that will:

This is why I can’t wait to support you this holiday time with my Healing Holiday Heartbreak Workshop, coming up on the 3rd December.

Here, you will feel held, understood, supported and loved. Together we will ignite your inner switch to take you from holiday zero to being your own hero – bursting you forth into the deservedness, enrichment and joy that is yours by divine right – no matter who you spend Holiday time with, and even if you are alone.

Plus you will be with a loving global tribe of thousands of people who will also be there to share in this healing, liberating experience with you.

This is a celebration of YOU this holiday time.

This is your GIFT from me and your gift to yourself.

It’s also your gift for the future to reprogram your inner compass out of traumatic love towards true real and healthy love.

For EVERY time of your life.

And I can’t wait to show you how!

So click right here to sign up to my Healing Holiday Heartbreak Workshop. We have limited Zoom places, so reserve your spot now!

Did this article resonate with you? Have you experienced the behaviours mentioned above? Let me know in the comments below.

Do you want to learn better boundaries, self-love and how to hold and improve your energy field and stop abusive people messing with both your energy and your heart?

Would you like to discover how never to lose or compromise yourself again?

If so, come with me here!

Read More –>

Why Narcissists Punish You at Holiday Time

Why Narcissists Punish You at Holiday Time

I’m sure you will have noticed how when narcissists are miserable, then their nearest and dearest have to be punished – and this goes double for holiday time.

Whether they are disrupting preparations, creating arguments and drama, giving you the silent treatment, or discarding you and going missing at crucial times, everything they do at this time of year is designed to hurt and punish you. All too often, this doesn’t only affect you, but spills over to upset your loved ones and taint everybody’s celebrations.

Why do the holidays make narcissists so miserable? And what can you do to prevent them from spoiling yet another festive season?

In today’s Thriver TV episode I cover this in detail – and be sure to stay to the end for exciting news of how to make holiday heartbreak a thing of the past for you!

 

 

Video Transcript

Welcome dear Thriver to Thriver TV. Today I want to talk about narcissists at holiday time and why they need to punish you.

Before we jump into this, if you haven’t yet subscribed to my YouTube channel, please do, and hit the notification bell so you’ll find out about every new video I do. If you find my material helpful please share it with others so that they know they can not just survive, but thrive after narcissistic abuse.

 

Why Narcissists Hate Holiday Time

So why do narcissists punish you, especially at holiday time?

It’s because the narcissist is in Separation Consciousness.

Separation Consciousness is the opposite of Unity Consciousness. Unity Consciousness is the way in which – at the base quantum, sub-atomic level – we’re all interconnected and we’re all one.

“My happiness is your happiness” is an expression of unity consciousness. “I love seeing you happy and it makes me happy that you’re happy because it’s my happiness too”.

A narcissist cannot think like that. A narcissist’s brain wiring doesn’t work like that. Separation Consciousness means “somebody has to win and somebody needs to lose”. It’s not a model of plenty, it’s a model of lack – a lack of resources that means “I have to fight because it’s me versus you to try to get some of the good stuff”.

The good stuff everybody (even a narcissist) wants is inner peace and happiness, but they have a completely warped, inverted way of trying to get it.

If other people are happy, then the narcissist is miserable and intensely triggered, because to them this means “I haven’t got the goodies and you have.”

For them, it’s all about narcissistic supply. Narcissistic supply is attention. In a group setting, a narcissist loves it if they’re the center of attention. In your life, they want to be the center of your universe for good and bad.

They don’t want you to have energy, attention or life force for anyone or anything outside of them. So holiday festive time and group gatherings are a very scary time for them – it is a traumatic time for a narcissist because they know they cannot regulate narcissistic supply.

How are they going to weather the storm of not being the focus of attention and of seeing other people’s happiness? It’s very threatening for them.

In the early days with a narcissist, such as in a romantic relationship, you’re going to be all loved up and you’ll be spoiled and you’ll think, “Oh, I couldn’t have had a better holiday than I had with this person.” But it is short-lived and doesn’t continue on into the future.

It doesn’t matter whether the narcissist is your significant other, a family member, a friend or anyone you see in a group setting – you will see there’s always drama and they’ve got to make it about them.

 

How The Narcissist Gets Supply At Holiday Time

There are various methods the narcissist will use to get the drama and supply they need.

For starters, you may want this person to help with all the preparations. At the best of times, a narcissist doesn’t cooperate, but they’re even worse at holiday time. They will get your instructions wrong, and it could be argued that they do this on purpose – which I believe they do – as a way of punishing you for focussing on something other than them.

In response to a simple request, they may say things like, “Just because you want it done in your time frame doesn’t mean I have to jump to the beat of your drum.” Which leaves you thinking, “What? I just want this done. What’s the drama?” But this is what they do, so you’re already under pressure.

Perhaps you send the narcissist off with a list and they go missing in action for hours before returning without anything you need – it’s infuriating.

By this time you may be under so much pressure and stress that you get to the point where you think, “Look, I’ll just take responsibility and do this myself. It’s too much hassle involving you.” Then the narcissist will accuse you of staging some kind of coup d’état with friends and family, to try and push them out of proceedings.

You’re damned if you do. You’re damned if you don’t.

Moving on to the special day or event, regardless of who the narcissist is, there’s a few tactics they use. You may already know all about how it feels to be ‘walking on broken glass’  – and if you don’t, you soon will!

Firstly, a narcissist may want to grandstand. They want to be the center of attention, and generally this will be the same stories, acting out, and garbage and waffle, so that everyone around them is thinking, “Oh God, here we go.”

But if the attention comes off the narcissist, then they may really start boiling up inside. They get triggered by feelings of “I’m not superior, they’re not inferior,” or “I’m not the center of attention. Other people are getting the good stuff! They’re getting the life force, they’re getting happiness, and that means that I’m not, I’m suffering.” This is their terrible, lower vibrational Separation Consciousness.

The narcissist will then say and do things to start a fight and trigger people. They’re very good at triangulating and then standing back and making it look like everybody else is fighting.

Or the narcissist may be jibbing you on the quiet where nobody can see – so that eventually you are so triggered that you explode in public. Then they make you out to be the abusive one to get people’s sympathy, empathy and lots of narcissistic supply by smearing you.

Maybe they do the silent treatment – you know, that black dark cloud that a narcissist does. It’s like an ink that permeates every room in the house – you could cut the air with a knife, they’re masters at it.

Perhaps they’re just going to do the disappearing act. This can be them taking themselves off to bed without saying anything – only to really get stuck into you later on when the day is over. Alternatively, they can go MIA so you don’t even know where they are. Maybe they don’t come home for two days, who knows? You may be paranoid (or have well-justified suspicions) about where they have gone, who they are with and what they are up to.

Whatever they do, it will turn the focus back on them because that’s exactly what they’re up to.

If you are their nearest and dearest, you’re going to get punished. A narcissist doesn’t care who they take down when they’re losing narcissistic supply, they really don’t.

Getting narcissistic supply is all they care about – they certainly don’t care about doing the right thing. Their end (supply) justifies their means, which is nasty, it’s horrible, it’s nefarious, it’s not loyal and it’s not nice.

 


 

 

How To Survive A Narcissist At Holiday Time

How are you going to get through this? How do you survive a narcissist at holiday time?

Well, the great news is you can not only survive this, you can also thrive from this.

This all comes back to Separation Consciousness. A narcissist is in Separation Consciousness, which is a big black pit of yuck. What they want to do is get you into that big black pit as well. When you’re triggered, hurting, feel abandoned, or feel the unfairness and the injustice, then you’re in this dark vibrational reality with them, where they can suck your energy dry. That’s what they’re trying to do.

But you can avoid this using these four important steps.

Step 1: Detach
First of all detach because they’re going to try and hook you in and trigger you. Detach, don’t play.

You do that by saying to yourself, “Breathe deep.” Come into your body and say, “You’re not my reality. My reality is my reality.”

Step 2: Dismiss
Stop wanting or expecting anything from this person, because it’s that dependency that hooks you into them.

Your mantra here is, “I have all that I need from all of life. I don’t need it from you.”

Step 3: Dive Inside
This is meeting yourself and self- partnering with yourself.

Breathe and say to your inner being, “Sweetheart, I’m here, we’ve got this. I love you. We’re going to deal with this.”

Step 4: Detox
Get that horrible trauma and feelings out. Just send it off, let it go. Let it go and bring in your light force, your Higher Self, your True Self.

Detox is saying to yourself, “All of this trauma you’re trying to inflict on me, this bad energy, I let it go, I send it to source, I dissolve it back to native nothingness and I claim my life force and truth.”

That’s your four Ds – the simple quick hack to use to come back into your power.

What happens when you do this is that the narcissist becomes like a spoiled little child that everyone’s ignoring, stamping their feet trying to get attention. When you can hold your energy field – as the powerful creator that you are – you can hold it for your children and everybody else. Then the narcissist will be like that little child, banging on the glass going, “Look at me, look at me, look at me, ” while everybody else is just getting on with it.

Then you realize how powerless and pathetic these people are, and you can have an amazing Christmas regardless of what they are or aren’t trying to do.

 

Healing Holiday Heartbreak

Sometimes this can be easier said than done, and we really need some other tips, techniques and powerful inner shifts to get our energy field out of that dark hole of Separation Consciousness and into a powerful Unity Consciousness, which is your True Self and True Source where narcissists can’t touch you.

Coming up on the 3rd of December 2022, I’m doing a four hour workshop all about this. I’ll be talking about this entire process in depth and showing you how to make that shift from surviving into thriving.

We’re also going to be working through things like:

  • Loneliness and how you can turn this into the most powerful growth opportunity of your life
  • How to get out of the guilt and obligation at holiday time, so that where you’re feeling a ‘no’ you can say no instead of yes
  • The struggle and pain of being replaced with new supply
  • How you can detach and stop trying to go along to get love and approval, instead coming home to being that generative source for yourself, so that in future you can walk forward in into beautiful holiday times with loving, supportive, real, genuine people of integrity.

 

My Triple H: Healing Holiday Heartbreak workshop will have you covered, whether the narcissist is in your life or gone; and whether you’re being hoovered or have been discarded and replaced by new supply. Whatever your situation this is going to help you so much.

But beyond that, anyone who has done my previous workshops will know that you will get so much more out of it than the topic might suggest because this is going to help you with your whole life experience. This is going to help you to self-honour, self-define and self-value. For those of you who want more training on boundaries, self-affirmation and getting out of guilt, obligation and people pleasing, then this is going to be really powerful for you as well.

I cannot tell you how much my life has changed from the holidays I had with narcissistic exes into what I experience, love and live now, and that’s where I want you to be too.

 

In Conclusion

I’ve really loved doing today’s holiday special for you. I’ve been wanting to do a workshop like this for years because we get inundated in MTE Support with people really struggling with the holiday stuff.

This is my early holiday gift to you guys – jump into this workshop! We have limited Zoom capacity on it, so make sure you get your place!

We’ve already got hundreds of people signed up for this, because it is so affordable – you can choose how much to pay, from as little as 3 US dollars. I can’t wait to serve you there.

So remember your four Ds and also remember Triple H: Healing Holiday Heartbreak because you’re not just going to get through this. You’re going to soar. You’re going to absolutely fly and thrive.

I love you all and we’ll talk again soon – but in the meantime, let me know your thoughts below.

Read More –>

Understanding Covert Narcissism: Real Emotion vs Emotionality



00:00 Understanding Covert Narcissism: Real Emotion vs Emotionality
01:49 Emotionality in Covert Narcissism
02:50 A Simple Way to Recognize Emotionality
04:00 Examples of Emotionality
05:00 Do This When You See Emotionality

Covert narcissism, which as I explain in Rethinking Narcissism and in my talks, is simply introverted narcissism. Survivors, especially echoists, who often instinctively rely on caretaking behaviors in their relationships, often confuse the apparent vulnerability or “emotionality” of introverted narcissists with emotion. In previous videos I’ve described this but many of you still had questions about how to tell the difference. Here, I tell you exactly how real emotions and emotionality can be easily distinguished from one another–and what to do to avoid being pulled into old habits when you see inauthentic emotion.

Want more help with echoism? As to join my private support group. www.facebook.com/groups/echoism/

for more on echoism, see:
www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/tech-support/201810/unloved-daughters-why-the-term-echoism-may-help-you-heal

blogs.psychcentral.com/knotted/2018/11/when-youre-not-narcissistic-enough-meet-the-echoist/
tonic.vice.com/en_us/article/mby3pv/echoists-are-basically-the-opposite-of-narcissists?fbclid=IwAR0czRJEb30wRRq-0sXhKWc2u1aMgOgzf5I5CRKEWAXG-oU6PvMRKq8wLM4

AMAZON: www.amazon.com/dp/0062348116/keywords=psychology%20books?tag=imprintweb-20
ITUNES/APPLE: books.apple.com/br/book/rethinking-narcissism/id929341420?l=en
BARNES & NOBLE: www.barnesandnoble.com/noresults/9780062348104
INDIEBOUND: www.indiebound.org/book/9780062348111
BOOKS-A-MILLION: www.booksamillion.com/p/Rethinking-Narcissism/Craig-Malkin/9780062348111?id=8510117162309
HARPERCOLLINS: www.harpercollins.com/products/rethinking-narcissism-dr-craig-malkin?variant=32132801200162

www.drcraigmalkin.com

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What Do Narcissistic Abuse And Ascension Have In Common?

Without Innerstanding You Will Never Be Understood

I love the expression “Innerstanding” – because it is SO Quantum!

People ask “What does Quantum mean?” My explanation is this: entering the unseen world and seeing the base-note truth from where all physical reality springs from.

Your personal Innerstanding relates to your energetic relationship with yourself. It’s your emotions, and your emotional decisions.

To put “Innerstanding” into one simple sentence, I would describe it as “choosing WHO you decide to BE.”

Your Beingness isn’t a logical decision, it’s an embodied one.

Today’s article is all about why, if you don’t have a concrete Innerstanding, you will never be understood.

And how striving to be understood will never grant you a solid Innerstanding!

I’m really looking forward to sharing this, one of my favourite topics, with you. I hope it will be enlightening for you!

 

What Does Innerstanding Look Like?

Innerstanding means taking an inner emotional stand for something.

This is a vital key of self-definition, because if you don’t decide what to stand for, you will fall for other people’s ideas of life – meaning these people will define your life.

From the Thriver Healing perspective, Innerstanding means being self-partnered enough to decide powerfully what is or isn’t your truth – knowing that if you don’t decide this, others will.

What you allow is what you will get and without Innerstanding you will have many unwanted and even abusive people and situations enter your reality.

This is especially true if you have had the programs and patterns of being narcissistically abused.

Many people may think they have an Innerstanding, but when push comes to shove they don’t. They capitulate, hand away power and try to make deals with life, such as “I’ll allow and go along with this, because I am trying to hang on to something or someone.”

I understand – I used to do this too! Even when I knew what I wanted, I tried to make deals. I went along, dropped my boundaries, sucked it up, tried to keep the peace and didn’t have the courage to make a stand and leave or let go.

Now I know how disappointing, detrimental and even devastating this can be.

Let’s look at some real-life examples.

 

Trying To Change Your Version of Me, To Feel Okay About Me

Mary is married to Peter and he belittled her. Mary continually tried to please him and be good enough for him, in order to get his approval.

Mary hoped that by doing so his treatment of her would improve and then she could feel better about herself on the inside.

It didn’t happen. It actually can’t.

The Quantum Law of  ‘so within, so without’ – which is as absolute as gravity – is how earth life works (and can’t work any other way). No matter what Mary tried to do to change the “outside” (Peter), in order to feel better on the “inside”, her efforts failed. Rather, Mary continued to receive from Peter more of how she ALREADY felt on her “inside.”

Mary did not have Innerstanding.

She was not self-defined.

Mary was defined through others, especially Peter, because she hadn’t defined and stood solid in her own beliefs, values and choice.

That was until Mary found her way to our Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program (NARP). She got to work with Module 1 and then worked her way through Module 2 and Modules 3 and 4.

(You can see the content of these Modules by visiting the NARP web page.)

At around the 3-month mark, Mary reported that Peter no longer triggered her. She had moved past the feelings that he was her authority and she had released her guilt, shame and the terrible hurt of his injustices. Mary had grown her own confidence, boundaries and values, such as:

“I will not respond to disrespect.”
“I know who I am. And that is not the version you speak of.”
“I don’t need you to grant me anything in order to give me my own identity” and
“I’m no longer hanging around to absorb you CRAP! (Trying to Criticise, Reject, Abandon or Punish me for being myself)”

Mary was flexing her Innerstanding muscles. She was already quietly planning her escape from the marriage and working hard with NARP to release any fears that were arising within her to do so.

She was on her way to freedom and Thriving!

Now let’s move on from Mary to Joan.

 


 

 

Wanting Family and Friends to Understand

Joan had been smashed by her narcissistic partner of several years. She had endured terrible discards, affairs and extremely cruel treatment. Joan was suffering from C-PTSD, felt terrible anxiety and depression, and was battling the obsessive ‘stinking thinking’ that goes with narcissistic abuse.

People in Joan’s life believed that because she had separated then she should now be fine. One close friend even told her to “just snap out of it”.

Understandably, Joan wanted people to understand and believe her regarding the insane events that had taken place.Yet the more she talked to people, the more she noticed people pulling away.

Sadly, everyone was distancing themselves from Joan and she was devastated. Joan kept sending people articles and videos and posted information about narcissists on her Facebook page, but to no avail. No-one was listening to her.

Joan didn’t know it but she was trying to alter Quantum Law. She felt terribly alone, traumatised and unsupported on the inside and was trying to change people’s behaviour on the outside in order to try to feel better on the inside.

But as it always is with Quantum Law, this is like putting a cart in front of a horse – it just goes nowhere. The more Joan tried to reverse the way life really works, the worse it backfired on her.

Joan finally found herself in our wonderful NARP community, sequentially working through her NARP Modules. At my suggestion, she also used the bonus Source Healing and Resolution Module to clear the big triggers of panic, despair and heartbreak when they erupted within her.

Joan had stopped trying to get comfort from outside of herself, and had self-partnered, turned inwards and was now dedicated to addressing the pain inside of herself. She shifted powerfully and quickly from feeling like an out-of-control, victimised woman, to feeling deeply held, supported and loved by Prime Creator / Source.

Now she was no longer showing up with others in ways that was colluding with “no-one understands me” by being frantic, needy, toxic and pushing people away with her accusatory “you don’t understand me” energy. Joan no longer ‘needed’ anyone to understand her in order to gain her own peace and Innerstanding.

She already HAD it.

Then others reflected back to her more of the same. Their validation, interest and support started flowing toward her organically.

Innerstanding means this: you are BEING it – and then it comes.

That is precisely what the word “be-come” means!

 

Losing It All To Get It All

Mark was in a toxic job, where many narcissists made everything incredibly unpleasant.

Because Mark believed that his job and boss was his source of security and survival, he stayed. But the price was hefty – Mark was getting sick. He had psoriasis flare-ups, ongoing congestion issues and constant headaches.

Clearly his Inner Being was telling him that he was stuck in Wrongtown! Mark was losing himself and his soul, due to not have a self-defined Innerstanding.

Mark came forth and made contact in our wonderful community because he realised he was being narcissistically abused. He knew he could not see a solution to his issue and felt powerless to leave, with his responsibility to provide for his wife and three kids.

After working with NARP, and specifically lots of Module 8 work, he got the courage to present the facts of bullying and negligent behaviour at one of the general meetings. Mark took a fearless stand for his rights and truths.

Because Mark had done so much inner shift work with NARP, he was no longer attached to outcomes. He was simply coming from the Innerstanding of “When I speak and stand in truth, without fear, the outer Universe must follow.”

To his ecstatic surprise, the big boss looked him up after the meeting and offered him a promotion in another of the company’s centres. Mark was even more thrilled to discover that this centre was free of narcissistic infiltration and he had never been happier in his working life.

Was this massive shift in circumstances a coincidence? No, of course not! It was generated from Mark’s Innerstanding. He had been prepared to lose it all to get it all – to do what was right, to stand up in conviction, conscience and integrity, no matter what.

No more was he going to sell his soul. Mark was totally determined to leave if his values weren’t respected, or even be fired if management couldn’t accept what he had to say.

Instead Quantum Law delivered – so within so without. As it must … and always does.

 

In Conclusion

I really believe all of us can see ourselves in these three examples and they can be applied to every area of our life.

The real questions are, where do we have energy leaks? Where are we in lack? Where do we hand our power away because of fear? Where are we dismissing what we know we need to do deep down inside because of fear, feelings of dependency, guilt or obligation, or because of needing to be defined by others?

Innerstanding is not arrogant. It is calm, powerful and peaceful. It feels great. It is absolutely ‘Righttown!’.

And the best thing of all is that it changes your life beyond recognition as you start to generate, create and enjoy the TRUE life you were born to live.

Innerstanding is Quantum, and Quanta Freedom Healing in NARP is what allows you to lose your fear and limits, shift powerfully on the inside and emerge as self-defined, backing yourself and walking the life you wish to live from the depth of your soul and spirit.

Which makes it real. This isn’t produced from mere ideas in your head.

If this article resonates with you and you would love to come and Innerstand with me in our wonderful Community then check out NARP by clicking this link.

As always I’d love to read your comments and questions about this article – drop me a line below!

Read More –>

The Simplest Way to Reduce Anxiety & Trauma Symptoms: Part 3



0:00 The Simplest Way to Reduce Anxiety & Trauma Symptoms
1:38 Grounding defined–and Why it helps!
10:15 Some Variations of Grounding

(Don’t forget to watch the first video in this series!) NOT A SUBSTITUTE FOR MENTAL HEALTH TREATMENT!

www.drcraigmalkin.com/the-book

One of the most powerful tools in battling anxiety and posttraumatic stress disorder, drawn straight from science, is the knowledge of how trauma symptoms operate in our nervous system.

Here, in a three -part video, you’ll learn why PTSD develops, and how our bodies already have a built-in capacity to overcome it.

Posttraumatic stress disorder falls into 4 clusters of symptoms:

Reexperiencing (intrusion), which includes nightmares, flashbacks, intrusive memories, and even body memories (physical feelings associated with past trauma that occur in the present.)

Hyperarousal, which includes intense anxiety and feeling chronically or intermittently “keyed up or on edge,” often presenting as irritability and/or strong startle responses or jumpiness.

Avoidance of thoughts feelings and reminders of the traumatic experience, which often includes emotional “numbing”

Changes in mood and thinking, especially feelings of depression and an impulse to isolate (this latter cluster, not mentioned in my video, has only recently been added in the DSM V) .

The key to reducing any symptom of PTSD–or anxiety , itself, for that matter–is to remember the lesson from over half a century of research: *you can’t be relaxed and anxious at the same time* The fancy name for this well established phenomenon is “reciprocal inhibition.”

For some time now, we’ve known that there are two sides to the nervous system: the sympathetic (flight or flight) and parasympathetic (relaxation response). When one side of the nervous system switches on, the other begins switching off (or more accurately, as one becomes more active, the other becomes less active.)

This is far more than a fun research fact There’s tremendous power in this knowledge because *all the symptoms of PTSD ride on top of a fight or flight state.* All of them.

Without the sympathetic nervous system in full drive, we can’t have intrusive thoughts, flashbacks, jumpiness, or avoidance (which is s way of reducing anxiety in the short term). We have no need to isolate or shut down. We’re less likely to fly off the handle. Not because we’ve convinced ourselves we’re safe, but because our nervous system is no longer acting as though we’re always in a life and death situation.

In other words, the push-pull of these two sides of our nervous system means we have the capacity to self-manage trauma and anxiety symptoms; the more time we spend practicing known methods of activating a parasympathetic reaction–mediation, progressive muscle relaxation. yoga, diaphragmatic breathing, aerobic exercise (which trigger a calmness afterwards)–the more trauma symptoms begin to lose their hold on us. We remember the feeling of peace, more and more–and so does our nervous system. I call this lowering your idle.

Picture the idle on a car. It can be set higher or lower, depending on how the engine is tuned. If it starts lower, it can’t redline (over rev or overheat) as easily or quickly.

The same is true of our nervous system. Greater familiarity with (and time in) a parasympathetic state makes us less likely to “red line” (experience fight or flight spikes) because our sympathetic nervous system arousal is already at a lower state. And that means fewer trauma symptoms.

In this followup video, I demonstrate a simple combination of mindful breathing and grounding to practice activating a parasympathetic response while feeling *safely* present, which is key to reducing trauma symptoms without triggering dissociation.

AMAZON: www.amazon.com/dp/0062348116/keywords=psychology%20books?tag=imprintweb-20
ITUNES/APPLE: books.apple.com/br/book/rethinking-narcissism/id929341420?l=en
BARNES & NOBLE: www.barnesandnoble.com/noresults/9780062348104
INDIEBOUND: www.indiebound.org/book/9780062348111
BOOKS-A-MILLION: www.booksamillion.com/p/Rethinking-Narcissism/Craig-Malkin/9780062348111?id=8510117162309
HARPERCOLLINS: www.harpercollins.com/products/rethinking-narcissism-dr-craig-malkin?variant=32132801200162

www.drcraigmalkin.com

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What Causes Narcissism?

One of the questions I get asked over and over is “what causes narcissism”. So today’s Thriver TV episode is my take on this.

Of course, I cover the impact of nature and nurture. But most importantly I wanted to go even deeper, into the spiritual cause and meaning of narcissism.

The debate around the importance of nature versus nurture will continue – but the spiritual causes affect all of us, not only narcissists. We can all find ourselves in separation consciousness, and it is recognition of this that has so many of us asking ‘am I the narcissist?’

I hope this TTV has you looking within, as well as towards your abuser, so that you can have an understanding of the difference between us and narcissists – and how our healing can change ourselves, humanity and ultimately the world.

 

 

Video Transcript

Today I want to talk about what creates narcissism and I want to look at this from a psychological, genetic, and spiritual perspective.

If you haven’t yet subscribed to my YouTube channel, please do so and hit the notification bell so that you’ll know of each new video that I release. I’d love for you to share my videos and ‘like’ them so that we can let people know that it is possible to heal for real from narcissistic abuse.

Now on to what causes narcissism? It’s one of those million dollar questions that a lot of you ask all the time.

 

Nature

First of all I want to look at Nature. For example, I’ve got two beautiful pussy cats who are sisters from the same litter yet they have completely different personalities. One’s really sweet and the other one is a lot more complex, and she has a lot more defense mechanisms.

This can be the same even with identical twins. Every parent knows that each of their children can seem to have a completely different personality make up

We don’t just acquire hair color and eye color. Just as we may express blue eyes or brown eyes, or dark hair or blonde hair, we also may express certain personality traits that we’ve picked up genetically from our ancestors.

A lot of our great neuroscientists, quantum scientists and genetic experts are really proving this. Our genetic composition can include certain survival programs, fears or traumas which another child in the same family doesn’t have, and this will express as differing personalities.

Narcissism is about fear and defences. Narcissists have an enlarged amygdala and exaggerated defense mechanisms. They react from their primitive brain rather than anchoring into a more reasonable and emotionally secure way of dealing with things, and this can be present from earliest childhood.

 

Nurture

Now let’s look at nurture.

Nurture is, for example, being born into an environment where you have a narcissistic parent. Such a parent is abusive, selfish and everything is all about them. They are neglectful and their child isn’t validated or respected for their own needs, views or ideas. Instead, this child is taught that they’re not good enough, that they’re not important and that they’re not valued. They are completely invalidated and this can create narcissism.

A child treated in this way will make an internal decision that “as myself, I’m not getting my needs met. As myself, I can’t emotionally survive or function in the world. I need to create some kind of strategy to be able to get along.”

Children can also suffer abuse or violation. It could be mental, physical, spiritual or sexual abuse, which results in a situation where the true self is submerged because it’s way too painful and a false self will come forth.

There’s two ways that this can go with children. We have the narcissist and we have the codependent.

The narcissist is, “I’m going to create a fictitious false self – the ‘me’ that I would like to be. So my buffer to stop the pain is to imagine that I’m omnipotent, I’m magnificent, I’m incredible and people fear me.” It’s a cartoon vision of a child self as a superhero, or somebody incredible.

This child may end up being the bully in the schoolyard because they feel so pumped up, important and superior that even from a young age they need to have other people bow down to them, respect them and give them what they need. Whereas their version at home could be very, very different because they’re the one that is being abused and they’re the one being bullied.

On the other hand, a child may also become codependent at a young age. These children ask themselves, “how do I survive the abuse and the neglect? Maybe it’s by me winning and earning love and approval by pleasing my parents, by being an over-accomplisher, by being the fixer, by being the helper, by being the good child.”

These are the people who may go on to be abused by a narcissist.

As a false self, a narcissist will be able to have lots of false narratives about life and themselves. They are well able to lie from an early age, looking people in the eyes and telling them a version of things that doesn’t even resemble the truth. They do this either to win approval or to shunt the blame elsewhere, usually onto the scapegoated child.

The narcissist will also do all sorts of bad things to get their share of the goodies. They’ll steal, lie, cheat and scheme. And then they’ll blame the scapegoated, codependent child of the family – the more sensitive child who’s trying to people-please to stay safe. They’re the ones that will get attacked by the narcissist in the family, and a narcissistic sibling will absolutely take it out on them.

There are other ways psychologically that a narcissist can be created too, including over-entitlement. Over-entitlement results from never saying no to a child, giving them whatever they want and giving them too much free rein in an attempt to please them and be loved by them. Rather than saying no, having limits, creating boundaries and holding firm in truths even at the risk of disagreements and them disliking you.

A narcissistic parent will usually have their golden child. This is a child that they use to feel better about themselves. They objectify this child – their looks, their sporting achievements, their academia or anything they can brag about – and live vicariously through them.

The golden child feels like they’re always on a pedestal and they’re superior. This can create narcissism. Not to say that every golden child that’s put in that position will become a narcissist because many of them are not. But it can create narcissism.

 


 

Spiritual

Now to the spiritual side of this. We are living in a human construct which is very conducive to narcissism.

This is because Source has been taken out of the equation. Source, meaning our higher self, prime creator, the light, life force, love, the wave function of oneness, and the interconnectedness of Unity Consciousness – which comes from Source /the prime creator.

If we are not filled and fulfilled with Source, we can’t have peace, inner solidness and an integration within ourselves, our soul, our spirit, our higher self and our world. When we are lacking that fulfillment, we are going to try to get filled from the outside – and this can never be durable and authentic. It will always be a false substitute.

This is things like buying the next flashy car; having a big pay packet; having a hot girlfriend or boyfriend; having people envy you; having your identity based in stuff, things and how many likes you get on Facebook; or how many people think you’re attractive and tell you you’re beautiful.

All of these false substitutes are feeding the ego. It may even be, “I’m such a nice person, I do all these lovely things” and then grandstanding your virtue to get attention and an ego feed.

So that is a huge problem in humanity. We get fixated on looking at ourselves through these identity-based classifications. We are getting away from the True Unity Consciousness identity, which is “I am Source. I’m a fractal of Source. I am a part of the divine mind, of oneness, of the higher consciousness – that I am a piece of as an eternal, immortal spiritual being, having a physical experience.” That’s where we get our wholeness and our connection from, and our peace and our power – true powerfulness.

Narcissism is not powerfulness: it’s powerlessness trying to be powerful.

True source is our true identity at the wave oneness function. That’s actually who we are. The further we get away from that, by making our identity as ‘my job’, ‘my skin color’, ‘my classification’, ‘my whatever’, the more we’re getting taken away from the Oneness – which is ourselves and all of life and Unity Consciousness.

So spiritually, narcissism is created through separation consciousness. “I’m different from you. It’s me versus you. I have to win and others have to lose for me to get my share of the goodies. I’m in lack, I’m in separation, I’m not blessed by Source, I’m not a part of Source, and I don’t know how to express myself as Source in life.” That’s narcissism. “I’m out in the cold on my own, having to scheme, lie, manipulate and do whatever it takes to get my share of the goodies because I don’t believe that I’m worthy, or whole, or deserving because I’m not connected to Source.”

That’s the spiritual aspect of it.

 

“Am I The Narcissist?”

You may sometimes have wondered “am I a narcissist?” because sometimes you feel empty and separated. You may know that you have people-pleased, or manipulated and had an agenda to try to be loved, approved of, and to get energy from the outside. Maybe you don’t feel any good unless you are getting ‘the stuff’.

Yet that doesn’t necessarily mean you’re a narcissist. It means that you are suffering a spiritual deficiency within, where you haven’t yet come home to releasing the traumas that are keeping you in separation consciousness. By releasing those and filling with the light, which is unity consciousness, you can come home to true Source and original creator, and to knowing that you are a piece of original creator.

That’s why I’m so passionate about what I teach in healing from narcissistic abuse. True healing is getting out of separation consciousness where you can get taken down by narcissists, and getting out of that deficient trauma where you are susceptible to abusers. It is coming home to Unity Consciousness.

If we all did that, our world would be completely different, humanity would be completely different and this planet would be completely different.

 

In Conclusion

We can all have narcissistic traits. Does it mean that we have Narcissistic Personality Disorder? No.

If you’re in this community, it’s highly unlikely that you are a narcissist. That means we can heal and clean up those parts of us that are feeling powerless, trying to feel powerful by our skirmishes, and trying to get things from outside of ourselves rather than coming home to ourselves.

My Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program is a 10-step process to clean all of that up, come home to yourself and escape the world of connection to narcissists – because you evolve beyond it.

When we’re whole, solid and fulfilled, then we have no need to try to turn crumbs into cookies, or try to change and fix abusive people so that they will love us. We leave them behind and we move into much more authentic, genuine, fulfilling relationships.

It all starts with ourselves.

I hope that helps – let me know in the comments below.

Until the next one, keep smiling, keep healing and keep thriving – because there is nothing else to do!

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What Do Narcissistic Abuse And Ascension Have In Common?

How Does a Stay At Home Mum Survive After Narcissistic Abuse?

Being financially dependent on a narcissist is something I’ve wanted to write about as a priority, because I know this topic is so big for many of you.

Especially as my beautiful support team at our weekly meeting said “Mel please do an article on this topic – our community needs it!”

I am really keen to do this, because I know how many women, after narcissistic abuse, are intensely traumatised not knowing how they are going to restart their life.

Please know that this will also apply to you if financial fears, battles and dependencies are your painful struggle. This may not be to do with a spouse or love partner – it could also be to do with a parent or any narcissist in your life.

To prepare for writing this, I shared on social media, asking those who have had breakthroughs to help inspire others. So thank you for your contributions – because truly today’s article is a team effort with our beautiful community – and as I say often “We ARE all in this together.”

In our new world of evolving Unity Consciousness this is going to become more and more apparent – how can we relate to each other and lift each other up?

Let’s get started with looking at the limiting DNA programming that often haunts women in regard to being able to provide for themselves and their children.

 

Women’s Financial Fears

It is not so long ago, in the blink of an eye, that women had real-world financial limitations and restrictions. In many parts of the world this is still the case.

Please note I am not saying this to attack men – I know there are many wonderful men in the world. Even back in the day of the suffragettes when brave women stood up against the government for their rights, there were wonderful men who stood beside them.

In our so-called civilized countries, women who were divorced (and sometimes their children too) may not have had any financial rights, and had limited workplace options because of low wages and grave discrimination if they were single.

Today much of this has shifted, but in our female DNA lies the terrible fears and limits of “without a man I can’t survive” – because truly once upon a time this was literal. Even today, regardless of her earning capacity or talents, for a woman it can feel as though she is “thrown out of the cave and will die” if a man leaves or replaces her, or if she has to get up the courage to leave.

I promise you I have met successful wealthy women who also feel this deep dread, powerlessness and terror.

Of course, many a woman within a narcissistic relationship raised the children, backed her man with his career (even at the expense of giving up her own missions and passions), or has been guilted, manipulated or forced into forgoing her financial earnings by the narcissistic partner.

Narcissistic relationships are fraught with creating dependency, servitude and powerlessness – because that allows the narcissist greater control over their partner. The narcissist can get away with worse behaviour – belittling, degrading, abusing and even cheating – knowing this person is unlikely to leave. There’s also a greater ability to control this person because they are not leaving the house to go to work. It’s easier to monitor and isolate them, as well as declare complete dominion over the money.

For the partner or spouse, being out of the workplace brings a further breakdown of self-esteem, confidence, health, and the capacity to go back out into the workforce.

After years of looking after the children, and then finally being discarded by the narcissist or getting the courage to leave and stay away, there is usually the belief that you don’t have the education, youth or capacity now to re-enter the workforce.

Couple this with the aforementioned  inherent female DNA terror of “I need a man to survive” as well as “I have no place as myself in society” and in spite of how the world offers so much more now for women, these enormous internal belief systems can make the obstacles to leaving seem insurmountable.

 

Inner Recovery of Female Power

My Quantum Work is about helping people understand that when you shift on the inside, the fears and feelings of powerlessness start to dissolve away. Where those old clogged up feelings were, peace, calm and “space” enter instead.

From there inspiration emerges. This is felt as intuitive ideas. Opportunities start to show up, as external cues to “notice and think about this”, or “look here”, and they can come from the most unexpected sources. This is because of your inner world of calm, connecting with the outer world of miracle, to start delivering you forward into your inherent wellbeing.

I promise you with all of my heart, where there was “no way”, the “way” starts to appear.

That’s what today’s conversation is all about, and the beginning point is about releasing ourselves from the “trap” of being dependent upon an abuser as our Source, instead of letting go and co-partnering with True Source to become our own Source.

 

 


 

A Deeper Look at Abuser Dependency

A message that came through in the NARP Community Forum perfectly expresses this … “This discussion is such a gift to me right now. I have been working through the fact that my fear of financial insecurity keeps me tied to narcs as my source of self.”

How true. We may know that we are stuck and dependent, but be too scared of letting go to take care of ourselves. I have met so many people over the years who stay stuck with narcissists for financial reasons, and of course, it is perfectly understandable especially if you have kids.

However narcissistic abuse is a powerful spiritual lesson. We are in a battle for our soul, and the souls of those we love, as per how we lead the way. If we stay stuck because of the fear of finances this is not a choice of soul truth, or putting our faith in Source / Prime Creator.

I understand, because this is how we have been programmed to think and believe.

In the past, I too sold my soul for money, and bricks and mortar. I know this sounds blunt, however it is true. I hung on for the money, to try to minimise what I would lose and save what I brought into the relationship. I was devastated by the thought of him taking it away from me. Not only did I  have a fear of loss, and “how will I rebuild after losing everything I’ve worked for”, but my ego was also invested because I thought “the stuff” was my identity.

As it turned out I lost it all anyway, as well as putting myself on the razor’s edge of losing my soul, my life and everything that really mattered: my sanity, lifeforce and ability to “be” in life as a free and healthy person.

Eventually I learned that letting go and choosing my soul first was the only way out. I learned to honour my soul, and that is when Life started supporting me abundantly. But that couldn’t happen until I had come to peace with how honouring my soul had to become my highest priority.

I had to accept that I couldn’t stay and hang on to the burning sinking ship if I was going to value my soul. I couldn’t have my cake and eat it as well. I couldn’t metaphorically keep taking heroin whilst I was trying to recover from it. I had to make a choice. I had to break free from my dependency, and from the hooks and the control he had over me with money and “stuff”.

Please know I understand how difficult it is to be in this situation. Truly I do. I see this happen all around me. I also see the miracles happen with breathtaking synchronicity when we use the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program (NARP) to lose those traumas and fears. Then we are able to choose our soul, and lead the way for ourselves, our children and humanity itself.

I see peace, relief, joy and power start to take hold where the trauma, abuse and terror once was. I adore that in our wonderful community we hold eachother when we slip backwards, cheer on the steps forwards, and support and celebrate these new emerging Selves – the women who have shifted from being helplessness and traumatised into being powerful, confident and courageous.

And I promise you this has nothing to do with age, education or even what we may think of as “workforce capacity” or “experience.” When Source fills you, all things are possible and you are no longer limited by any outer “statistics and realities.”

 

Women’s Breakthrough Stories To Inspire You

Leah’s story is one many will relate to – being reduced to having no confidence, energy or feelings of capacity to fend for yourself and your children after the relationship ends.

Leah wrote:

“I allowed my narc ex (and his family) to reduce me to a mere shadow of who I was, over a 20-year period. His family overtly criticised my character, ethnicity and intelligence/career choice. After we were married at 30 (and over our 10-year marriage), he denigrated my career choice as a teacher and consistently minimised my contribution when I started my cake business. I worked three jobs at one stage while raising my children alone (he was always “working”) but since I was a low-income earner, which I was constantly reminded of, I felt like an absolute nothing with no value.

When I finally left him at age 41, I felt completely demoralised, unworthy, undeserving and stupid with about $500 to my name. After a 3 year battle trying to “prove my worth” and financial contribution (where the financial abuse really kicked in), and where he would repeatedly tell my children that I was a ‘lazy, useless Aussie’ and ‘undeserving’ of “his” money and property, I spent every single day on my healing (with NARP) and last year I was vindicated through the courts, coming out with a healthy settlement.

I rebuilt my career, re-established myself as a well-respected teacher and have since completed my studies obtaining a Diploma in TCM and am starting an online art business.

When I hear negative comments now from my son about how his dad thinks I’m “useless”, I just smile to myself and remember who I am. I look at my experience as a great blessing – if it weren’t for him and his family, I would have never known my real worth. Something nobody can ever take away from me again.

Melanie Tonia Evans, your NARP program was a major part of my healing and I am forever grateful.. I hope my story gives hope to others.”

You may say, “Well Leah was only 41 when she rebuilt her life – what if I’m older and I just don’t have these opportunities.”

On Facebook, Debra shared a beautiful account of her new life purpose after narcissistic abuse:

“I escaped a 41 year marriage, together 43 years. I was too old and broken to go back to nursing, but I’ve been doing Melanie Tonia Evans’ courses, I’m healing and loving myself now. And my ‘ work’ is being able to do childcare for my 5 grandchildren. He’s not contacted his ( our) 4 children in the 2 years since I left. Thank you Melanie, you’ve saved my life and my soul. ”

And then there is Martha, on her way to breaking free into her own financial independence after years of not working.

“After almost 30 years of being verbally, emotionally, and financially abused and being told my paycheck meant nothing, which continued after divorce…I was broken. I reached a low this Summer when I thought I couldn’t get any lower.

I was deeply lost in the ‘why’ of it all. It felt like a poison that was slowly killing me. My kids and friends were very concerned and I couldn’t stand myself.

I applied for a couple of jobs, never expecting to get one after years of not working and feeling completely useless and insecure. I got both!! I was petrified!!! I started praying for strength and taking it one day at a time.

Almost a month later, I am not ‘financially free’ but I am starting to feel necessary and useful again. My kids and friends are starting to see the real me again. Even tho I am taking it one day at a time, I am slowly gaining strength and confidence and FEELING like me again. I am always waiting for “the other shoe” to drop or a set back, I feel like I am always looking over my shoulder for the Narc to break me, I am hoping, finally with time and continuing to find strength in your teachings Melanie, because you and your village validate that I am not alone, and the continued love and support from great friends and my kids That feeling will weaken and become more manageable. Thank you!”

A beautiful story that I share often in this wonderful community is a previous client who was married to a wealthy, powerful and very abusive narcissist. She left with one small suitcase, went to a women’s shelter and began healing determinedly with NARP there. All of her possessions and property were with him, and because in her words “he owned the courts in that town” she decided to leave with ONLY her soul. This brave lady had not worked for decades and was well beyond the age we would traditionally believe was “employable.”

Whilst in the women’s shelter, committed to her healing, an old friend messaged her. This friend had an art gallery in the country and invited my client to stay in a cottage on the grounds and help out.

This led to her learning sculpting and loving her new life. She became financially successful in selling her creations in the gallery, and she met a wonderful man who became her life partner. My client also generated a whole new set of genuine friends, and her once alienated children returned into her life with love and respect.

Her ex husband left her alone, moved on and allowed her to divorce him.

She said not for ANYTHING would she EVER go back to her old life and that now, she has never been happier.

You may think all of this is coincidence. I can assure you it is not. It’s the result of Quantum Law – so within, so without. As a result of healing herself on the inside, her outer world shifted to match this. This Law is as absolute as gravity! Hence if we stay clogged up with internal trauma (pain and fear) it doesn’t matter what we try to DO – nothing changes, because WE haven’t changed!

This is why I so passionately promote the NARP inner work, because it creates REAL change, and I have seen every woman (without exception) who develops her inner being start becoming self-generative and Source-filled in her real outer life.

Source provides, when you partner YOU.

 

In Conclusion

I hope that today’s article can help you have hope and know that there is LIFE after narcissistic abuse, no matter how much you have lost, how old you are, how hopeless it feels or how much your heart has been broken. What you are going through does not have to be your life sentence. There is MORE for you after this.

I’d love to hear from you! Do you feel stuck financially as a result of narcissistic abuse? Do you know in you heart of hearts that your life is NOT meant to be like this? Would you like help and coaching from me and my beautiful team to help you get your life, power and confidence back?

Let me know in the comments below.

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