The Narcissistic Mirage – Coming To Grips With Who They Really Are

The Narcissistic Mirage – Coming To Grips With Who They Really Are

 

It’s such a shock when we discover that the narcissist is nothing more than a mirage.

How do we come to terms with the fact that we invested ourselves into a wonderful idea that was never real?

Let me show you how to see past what they seem to be. This will help you not become reliant on or emotionally addicted to them. It will also ensure you can avoid being emotionally triggered into neediness, fear and panic in ways that may surprise or shock you.

In today’s Thriver TV episode I will guide you to your very own Great Awakening, which is your deep Life Truth.

 

Video Transcript

Remember the myth of Narcissus looking into the water and falling in love with his own reflection?

This wasn’t the real him.

It’s such a shock when we discover that the narcissist who we thought was incredible, and even our soulmate is nothing more than a mirage. This person simply wasn’t real.

It’s horrible initially to understand that because they are not a real person, they didn’t love us and they are not capable of love.

How do you come to terms with the fact that you invested your heart, life, years and soul into a mirage? A wonderful idea and dream that was never real.

That’s exactly what we are talking about today in this Thriver TV episode.

Before I get started, I want to quickly shout out that I’m very excited about my upcoming You Can Thrive One-Day global workshop, which will be a first of its kind, an intensive healing container for thousands of people, to move you up and out of narcissistic abuse into your true abuse-free life.

To claim your seat, all you need to do is click this link.

Okay, let’s get started on today’s very important topic.

 

The Promise of the Mirage

Bad people exist. People who are soulless, and are not concerned with other people’s feelings, needs or values. These are people who are parasitical, they feed off other people’s energy, resources and Life Force to try to grant themselves power and an existence.

The problem is these people masquerade as everyday people in society. They appear as lovely, commendable and caring people who we can trust. They are potential lovers, business associates, authority figures, bosses, friends and neighbours. They can also be family members who are supposed to love you and treat you with care.

What is incredibly tricky about these individuals is they are skilled at working out the people who they wish to ensnare and start mining for their own benefit. In a family setting, they already have your connection and attention. The narcissists outside of families identify what people feel they need in their life and then present themselves as the solution to these issues.

The bottom line is, we want to trust these people. We want to believe that they are the answer to our loneliness, broken heartedness, safety, wellbeing or any other challenge in our life.

Maybe this person seems strong and outgoing, and we have struggled to speak up and lay boundaries or be tough enough to navigate our own life fearlessly, and now we finally feel safe.

Possibly, this person seems so loving and generous and caring, and after not feeling loved and cared for, you feel like you are finally seen and met.

This person may have the supposed energy, wealth, drive and ambition, as well as aligned goals with you, so much so that you finally feel like your dreams can come true.

Within narcissistic abuse, bonding does not discriminate, it happens in every relationship. In intimate or family relationships there are countless ways you will be bonded. If this person is not a love relationship, maybe you have connected resources, such as finances or a business deal. Or this person seems to supply something in your life that unknowingly you are now reliant on or emotionally addicted to.

Narcissists are skilled at creating “dependencies”; it may be so insidious and gradual that you barely understood that it was happening.

A particularly good indication is that this person starts becoming difficult, withdrawing or withholding affection or attention from you so that you are emotionally triggered into neediness, fear and panic in ways that surprise or shock you.

This is where cognitive dissonance comes into play. You are ensnared by this person; they have literally infiltrated your soul. Now, the relationship can only continue for you if you make logical excuses and justifications to stay attached.

This is where you are now projecting onto him or her, despite the atrocious behaviour, the idealised version of “how you believe this person should be”.

How would you stay with this person, unless you are lying to yourself?

 

The Thud of Truth

Within narcissistic relationships, the state of your soul, emotions, finances and health progressively disintegrates.

Inevitably, there comes a time where you acknowledge you are being abused. The volume of the abuse keeps getting turned up progressively, so intensely, as the cycles of abuse deepen and intensify (as they do with all toxic relationships), that eventually the truth must get your attention.

And this is the truth: this person does not really love you and care for you, despite the throwaway words that they sometimes use, to hoover you back in, or give you some false sense of security.

This is not love. This is not healthy. This is not even a real person who has a conscience or ability to see you as anything more than an object for them to benefit from.

As terrifying, heartbreaking and soul-destroying as this is, this is the passage to your own personal evolution.

Your Great Awakening is to accept the truth, that this person (or people) who you thought were trustworthy, commendable, and had your best interests at heart, absolutely don’t. These people do not add to your life in any way that is healthy, rather they are feeding off you, draining you and ultimately destroying you, all for their own benefit.

If you don’t wake up to this, then there is only one outcome, your personal diminishment and demise.

Here is the rub, denial and ignorance are not bliss, because the longer you stay attached refusing to look at the truth – the more your rights are being eroded.

The deeper the enslavement becomes.

The further down into the loss of your soul and Life Force you go.

Awakening means applying critical thinking. It means to open your eyes and heart to the truth. That when someone is hurting you they are not loving you, and it’s time to stop hurting yourself and love yourself with all your might.

It means to not just blindly accepting to cling to a version of a person in your life, that you would want them to be.

It means to stop handing power over to other people and to take the power back to be the generative force and source of your life for yourself.

That’s the Great Awakening. That’s what it means to live Your Truth.

Your Inner Being knows the truth. When your emotions are screaming at you that something is not right, and you are being diminished, and stripped of your rights, then that is the time to wake up.

When you try to assert your rights and truth regarding the sovereignty of your feelings, values, desires and choices in life (meaning the freedom to be fully yourself), and they are not allowed – then you are being abused.

If you don’t wake up to this, you are asleep. As a goodhearted person, who is not as yet anchored in your own body navigating your life from the truth of your core, you are a prime candidate to be targeted and abused by these people – posing as your “answer”, “safety”, “saviour” or “dream life”.

With abusers, it becomes obvious. Their agenda and decisions happen without your involvement or any consideration for your values and desires. It is “sold” to you as this: this person knows what’s best for you because YOU don’t have the ability to know or decide what is best for you.

Don’t buy it! It’s not the truth!

Until you awaken, you are prey to people who are mirages, who are wolves in sheep’s clothing and are highly dangerous and abusive.

 

Being Straight With You

I’m addressing you in this way because I truly needed to do that with myself.

Before I discovered Thriver Healing, I was paralysed and stunted in the horror of the discovery that he was not the human being that I “needed” him to be. I had assigned him as the authority and the giver of my life.

I hadn’t yet awakened to become that to myself.

Doing so, saved my life. I turned inside, self-partnered and took on the mission of loving and caring for myself. I tapped into and activated my true power as a sovereign being to fulfil and rise into my ascension and truth, rather than try to get the power and permission to be that person from outside myself.

You have the power to do the same.

Totally.

Speaking of which, my global You Can Thrive One-Day Workshop is all about that. It’s about you rising into your truth as a sovereign being disconnected from all of this rubbish of being manipulated and mined and abused by False Selves posing as good people.

I can’t wait to co-generate your enlightenment and breakthrough with you.

Click the link at the top right of this video to check out the details and register for this event.

And as always, I look forward to answering your comments and questions below.

 

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truth about children and divorce: sad african american girl with face in hand

The Unvarnished Truth About Children And Divorce

truth about children and divorce: sad african american girl with face in hand

 

I’m not one of those experts who believe that divorce has little significant effect on a child’s life. I’m of the opinion that divorce can set a child up for lifelong emotional struggles. The divorce of a child’s parents leaves them with negative emotions they will deal with throughout their lives in one way or another.

Yes, they learn to adjust to the fact that their parents are divorced but, the sadness caused by the divorce lessens with time but never goes away. On top of the regret a child feels over a parent’s divorce there can be devastating consequences if the parents do not handle the divorce in a responsible manner.

The Unvarnished Truth About Children And Divorce

I bristle when I hear parents say that children are “resilient” and can “handle” their divorce. I’ve talked to adults who were devastated years after their divorce was finalized, yet for some strange reason they believe that their children are more capable of getting over and learning to live with a situation they, themselves are finding hard to accept and move on from.

It is this belief by parents that children are more flexible and pliant emotionally than they are that sets children up for disaster when their parents’ divorce. A child’s divorce experience is shaped by whether or not parents continue to put their children’s well-being and security first during the divorce process.

4 Reasons It’s Important To Put Children First During Divorce

1. Divorce means huge changes in the lives of children. It can also mean direct involvement in the conflict between parents, changes in where they live, economic hardship, broken bonds with a parent, loss of emotional security, and a multitude of emotional stressors.

2. Divorce means the loss of a child’s family, something that is the center of their universe. If a child is raised in a happy or low conflict family, that family is the base of their security. It is what allows that child to go out into the world and broaden their horizons because they know there is a safe place to return to.

The loss of an intact family is like a death to the child. There will be a period of grieving and a need to replace, with something new the security they had in the intact family.

3. Divorce increases a child’s risk of psychological, educational, and sociological problems. A parent’s divorce touches every aspect of a child’s life. A child’s relationships with friends will change and their ability to focus and concentrate in school will be affected. As a result, there is an increased possibility of problems with anxiety and depression.

4. Divorce causes children emotional pain. Regardless of how hard a parent tries and how well they parent, a child will feel sadness and loss during and after a divorce. Your divorce is going to hurt your children! And please, don’t fall for the nonsense belief that if the “parent is happy, the child will be happy.” I promise you unless your child is witnessing or a party to domestic abuse or high conflict the child could care less if Mom and Dad are happy.

Some parents have a misguided belief that their children are spending time and energy worrying about their parent’s happiness. Nothing could be further from the truth, children are concerned with their own happiness and security, as it should be.

So, please, don’t project your need to divorce so you can be “happy” off on to your children. You will do them no favor and it will free you up to ignore their pain due to a skewed belief that is not correct.

What Are The Negative Effects of Divorce For Children?

If you contrast children from intact families to children of divorce, children from divorced families are:

  • Twice as likely to have to see a mental health provider,
  • Twice as likely to exhibit behavioral problems,
  • More than twice as likely to have problems with depression and mood disorders,
  • Twice as likely to drop out of high school before graduating,
  • Twice as likely to divorce themselves as adults,
  • Less socially competent and tend to linger in adolescents before moving into adulthood.

Andrew Cherlin, a family demographer at Johns Hopkins University, said that even those who grow up to be very successful as adults carry “the residual trauma of their parents’ breakup.”

In other words, when we, as adults make the decision to divorce we are going against our natural parental instincts…protecting our children from harm. Some would argue that divorce in and of itself does not cause harm to children. They believe that it is the behavior of the parents during a divorce that determines how a child will fare or what the consequences will be.

I agree that as parents we can lessen the negative effects of divorce on our children. There are obligations that parents have during divorce that can help our children cope. The issue I have though is this, during my career as a divorce family therapist who has worked closely with divorcing clients and their children, the children seem to take a backseat to their parent’s needs during that time.

Parents are more focused on the legal process of divorce and their own emotional needs than their children’s needs. Until I see a change in the way the majority of parents behave during divorce I will hold onto my belief that children are irreparably harmed by divorce and suffer due to parents who are unable to parent and divorce at the same time.

The post The Unvarnished Truth About Children And Divorce appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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20 Signs Your Ex Is Narcissistic

20 Signs Your Ex Is Narcissistic

You leave and you’ll never see the kids again

Narcissistic mother

Things started so well.  They seemed perfect and, even better, they made you feel perfect too.  They lavished praise and attention on you.  It felt wonderful.  It was everything you ever dreamed of.

Then they stopped being so affectionate.  They started talking about someone new at work.  Everything they once said they loved most about you suddenly seemed to irritate the crap out of them.

What changed?

They tell you it was you but you aren’t sure.  Nevertheless you try everything to win back their acceptance.

But it’s not enough and although you do anything and everything, nothing works.

It’s all your fault

Or is it?

 

Individuals with narcissistic personalities tend to be grandiose, entitled, and self-centered.  They are often impulsive and anxious, have ideas of grandiosity and “specialness“, become quickly dissatisfied with others and maintain superficial, exploitative interpersonal relationships.

It’s why they find it so easy to  move on to the next “supply” and so easily discard you.

They react to criticism with feels of rage, stress or humiliation (even though they will never express that).  They take advantage of others to achieve their own ends.  

Other personality disorder processes are high levels of over-dramatic emotional displays (silent treatment or rage), paranoia (jealousy and suspiciousness), antisocial behaviours (aggression, domestic abuse and verbal abuse) or obsessive compulsive behaviours (rigid moralistic rules).  These are often evident throughout the relationship, although not at the start as they usually have another person who is able to be their “regulatory other” (the person who regulates their emotions). 


Overt narcissist (sometimes called grandiose narcissist)

Overt narcissists are characterised by grandiosity, attention-seeking, entitlement, arrogance and little observable anxiety. They can be socially charming, despite being oblivious to the needs of others, and are interpersonally exploitative.  They engage in superficial relationships and seek out external feedback that supports their grandiose sense of self and protects them from their fragile self image

Covert narcissist (sometimes called vulnerable narcissist)

Coverst narcissists present as vulnerable, fragile and thin-skinned.  They are characterised as inhibited, distressed and hypersensitive to evaluations of theirs, while chronically envious and evaluation themselves in relation to others. Interpersonally they tend to be shy, outwardly self-effacing (modest) and hypersensitive to criticism, but are covertly grandiose and jealous.

Malignant narcissist

They are characterised by the typical symptoms of Narcissistic Personality Disorder as well as prominent antisocial behaviour, paranoid features and sadism towards others.  they engage in chronic lying, intimidation and financial or interpersonal secondary gains which maintain their malignant pattern.

10 Signs Your Ex Wife/Girlfriend Is Narcissistic

I watched Gone Girl for the first time a few months ago and I thought Amy (pictured above, credit: thefincheranalyst.com) was one of the best depictions of a female covert narcissistic I have seen.  She played the part of victim so well at the start to lure in her husband (Amy’s mother was a overt narcissist) and then later in the film to restore her delusion as “loyal wife”.  Apologies if I have given too many spoilers away there, trust me that there is so much more to the film.

The female narcissists I have dealt with personally and professionally were covert and loved to act like the perfect partner and parent.  They go to extreme lengths outside the family home to project this image of perfection.  Obviously within the relationship things are very different.

Here are ten signs of a female narcissistic ex:

Continuous sense that she is disappointed

Take sides against you by default, assume the worst, distrust

Fantasies, several would involve another partner, not subtle

Your were paying for others mistakes against her

No true connection, emotionally distant, and callous

Ruined your special occasions by refusing to acknowledge them but wanted excessive displays of devotion on theirs

She prevented you from making friends, venting frustrations, or seeking support

Double standards in everything (they expect praise but gave you nothing but criticism, even if you did the same/similar thing)

You were made to feel guilty for wanting to be intimate

She regularly threatened to leave, threatening to pursue support in Family Court in order to destroy you financially (and may have followed through on this)

If you have children with a female narcissist, I recommend reading our blog 13 Strategies for Dealing With A Female Narcissist 

10 Signs Your Ex Husband/Boyfriend Is Narcissistic

I hate to admit this but I loved the first season of You.  Joe was a terrifyingly good narcissist.  So good that I think he lovebombed half the female audience! He displayed anti-social behaviour (malignant), vulnerability (covert) and was incredibly socially charming (overt). He was a full-house.

The male narcissists I have dealt with have also displayed all of the criteria.  I have had men ring me telling me that their ex is stopping them from seeing their children only to make false allegations against me online 24 hours later because HE didn’t answer the call HE arranged. I have spoken to men who have overtly spoken of their own grandiose sense of self by stating how they were capable of doing x,y and z even though they emailed me for advice. I have also had conversations with someone who claimed they were alienated only to later discover that they were in fact a registered sex offender.

Here are ten signs your ex was narcissistic:

Infidelity is common but they will also engage in sexual fantasies and try to get you involved

He wanted to control your appearance appearance

His and your emotional needs were not attended to

Triangulated the children into arguments and expects the children to take his side

Was only interested in doing things he wanted to do

He was extremely jealously of other men

He was envious of any of your successes (including your relationship with the children)

He never listened, but expected a lot of attention and perfect memory

Downplayed the contribution of raising children or taking care of the household

Sees you as his only being there to meet his needs

If you have children with a narcissistic ex I recommend reading out blog The Realities of Co-Parenting with a Narcissist

Narcissists dispaly a pattern of self-centeredness and grandiosity.  They have an exaggerated sense of their own abilities and achievements, require constant attention, affirmation and praise and believe they are unique and special and should only associate with others who are equally unique and special (you).  These are all brilliant reasons they are your ex.

As stated, if you have children with a narcissist do check out our resources on parental alienation and divorcing the narcissist.  Forewarned is forearmed.

The post 20 Signs Your Ex Is Narcissistic appeared first on The Nurturing Coach.

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The Thriver’s Life Series – Guilt … Why You Feel It And How To Release It

The Thriver’s Life Series – Guilt … Why You Feel It And How To Release It

 

Guilt can feel confusing and I used to struggle with it terribly.

But I came to realise the ultimate truth – guilt does not allow you to be true to yourself, or authentically true to others either.

Guilt also causes many blocks in your healing, and keeps other people stuck in pain, suffering and stunted growth as well.

Come with me to this Thriver’s Life episode, where I go deeply into how releasing lingering guilt will accelerate your healing. As well as offer others the highest level of opportunity to also heal.

 

 

Video Transcript

Welcome to this Thriver’s Life episode, which is all about the next stages of expansion after narcissistic abuse.

Today I want to talk to you about guilt.

Guilt is a big thing.

It can really hold you back.

And even after dedicating yourself to your recovery from narcissistic abuse, it could still be lingering around. Maybe you haven’t realised how important it is to address it. And, how once you release it, there is such an acceleration in your healing.

In today’s episode, we are going to look at why you may still feel guilty, what the guilt is really about, and how to release yourself from it.

But before we get started, I’d like to thank each and every one of you for supporting the Thriver Mission and for sharing the truth that we can empower ourselves against narcissistic abuse and heal completely from it.

Okay so now let’s get started on today’s episode.

 

What Is Guilt?

Feeling guilty means that you are experiencing emotional distress regarding what you may or may not have done to another person.

We can also feel guilty regarding what we may or may not have done to ourselves.

Guilt in many ways is considered a healthy feeling. It means you have a conscience. It means that you care about other people. Usually, people who experience feelings of guilt are lovely people.

However, if it is such a great quality to have, why does it feel so crappy, and why does it keep us embroiled in situations that are not healthy for us?

There is a really good reason for this.

When you feel guilty, it means that there is confusion about what your own values and truths are and where your boundaries with somebody else do or don’t lie.

It can also be a sign of over responsibility and care to the detriment of your own responsibility and care for yourself.

The ultimate truth is that guilt is not allowing you to be true to yourself. Which means that you are not able to be authentically true to others.

Guilt also makes it exceedingly difficult for you to make mistakes, which all humans do, and be able to quickly be kind and honest to yourself and others about these mistakes.

Guilt often brings on attacks of shame, which means that it’s difficult to be open and honest about things and confront the sometimes messy and uncomfortable human interactions that we all must have, in order to be a part of true relationships.

Let me explain more about this …

 

Feeling Wrong When Valuing Yourself

Let’s imagine that you have somebody in your life who is disrespectful and even nasty. You know what they are saying is unhealthy for you. It feels like rubbish in your body every time you hear their damaging words.

If healed up enough, you can have the difficult conversations. You can honestly tell this person what it feels like when they speak to you like this, and how you would like for them to converse with you instead.

If you are really healed up and being true to your soul, you know how powerful it is to offer people an opportunity to rise up into a healthier relationship with you. You also know that, after asking for what you need, if they don’t have the resources or the desire to do this, that you are willing to set them free so that you can honour your soul’s sovereign right to be healthy.

For most of us, before the deep inner work, the thought of being this honest and/or ultimately walking away brings up a terror of being criticised, rejected, abandoned or punished for speaking up.

I have talked about these often as the fears of C.R.A.P.

Yet, as Thrivers, we start to understand that unless we can start to show up honestly with people in our life, there is a continuation of having to experience conversations and situations that are disrespectful.

This is not necessarily because other people are terrible, rather the deeper purpose of this is because we are undergoing the soul necessity of learning self-respect.

This is a deeper Quantum understanding that people treat us identically to the way that we treat and feel about ourselves, and that respectful empowered relationships can only be co-generated if we respect ourselves first.

And, we also understand that the evolutionary reason that we are experiencing disrespectful relationships is because we are carrying unresolved previous traumas from being disrespected in our past. Until these are cleaned up, we will receive “more of the same”.  And this will go on until we heal these parts of ourselves and can show up in a way that inspires and generates a change to “respect”.

Now, I promise you that all of this is leading somewhere in regard to guilt.

Let’s just say that you started backing away from this person. All of a sudden you were too busy, you make yourself scarce. You may even decide that you are unavailable or not home. Or maybe even get to a point where you just say, “I don’t want to see you anymore”.

Or maybe you just start getting all passive-aggressive around them. You don’t engage in conversations much. You go quiet.

Then guilt sets in. Were you too hard on this person? Do you have a right to wipe people out of your life, start ignoring them or barely have a word to say to them?

When we have entered the arena of “guilt” many questions and obsessions can arise.

It may be difficult for you to get resolution and peace around what happened or is still happening with this person.

What is this about?

What this is really about, is about you not being healed or comfortable enough to show up as being solid within your own body, being truthful about what it is that you need in order to feel respected.

I promise you this because I used to be one of these people. The people who don’t speak up with the truth about what they are really feeling and experiencing, are the people who struggle and suffer with the most guilt.

This is all about unfinished business. The reason why your choices now don’t land solidly and calmly in your body is that there are wounds and traumas within to release and resolve and heal from.

 

I Don’t Want to Hurt This Person

In regard to anyone that you need to say “no” to, tell the truth about how they’re treating you, or potentially pull away from, it may feel like you don’t want to hurt them.

But really, if you are truthful, you really fear getting hurt yourself.

Yet, now you already are, because you’re out of congruence.

These thoughts may be persistent, “Will this person start thinking that I am a bad person?”, “Will other people start believing I’m a bad person?”

You may tell yourself you don’t care, yet if you are honest with yourself you know that you do, and it’s not for the right reasons.

These are all the confusing and insidious feelings of guilt.

These unresolved feelings arise from the unmet, unhealed previous traumas of handing your power away in order to try to keep other people happy. These are deep wounds in the human consciousness of trying to appease others in order to be loved or safe.

These are often our unresolved beliefs from childhood, “If I keep you happy maybe you will love me” and “If I try to assert my own rights and truth you will hurt me” and so on and so forth.

This is not even to say that these people were narcissistic, because almost all of us came from the programming of, “children are seen and not heard” and are supposed to obey, rather than be able to express their own individuality, feelings and rights.

We have been programmed to “do the right thing”, often not realising that “the right thing” can be somebody else’s “right thing” and be completely wrong for us.

This is the conflict.

This is where guilt comes in. Guilt really goes like this, “I really don’t want to do this, but I feel guilty if I don’t do it”.

Or, “I really shouldn’t feel like this, but I do”.

Can you relate to this confusion? Can you see now how much this may have held you back in your life?

So, what would it take to become congruent with what you do want, as your Soul Truth, and following and living truthfully with what you feel?

It would require you first being honest with yourself and then being honest with others, and then making the choices that align with that truth.

Let’s now take this deeper …

 

By Acting Out of Guilt You Hurt Others

You may think that giving in to your guilt, and going along with others is the kindest and nicest thing you can do.

You may think that you’re the only one who is suffering as a result of your guilt.

That is totally not the truth.

Imagine if you stayed in a relationship because you felt too guilty to leave this person. That would mean you are there on false pretences. You are not offering them or yourself the opportunity to align with someone who is genuinely in love and matched with either of you.

Imagine if you go along with someone’s demanding behaviour because you feel too guilty to speak up and tell them that they are crossing your boundaries.

Not only are you engaging with them from resentment and lack of connection, but you also aren’t offering this person the opportunity to have reflected back to them their behaviour and become more self-actualised.

That’s not to say everybody can grow or change, but if you don’t honour the truth of yourself in your exchange with them, then you are never offering them the opportunity to do so.

Many people, non-narcissistic people, absolutely want your feedback and to have the opportunity to meet you at a higher level of genuine relationships as a result of you being honest with them.

If you stay stuck in your guilt and keep playing out the insidious lower-level exchanges with them, whilst refusing to step up to the plate (which is truly how we should be with the people who we love) then you deny them their possible evolution opportunity.

Neale Donald Walsch put it like this, “to allow an abuser to continue abusing is an act of abuse”.

I want you to really think about that.

 

Guilt Regarding Those We Have Hurt

I know we can feel terribly guilty about those we have hurt as a result of our own behaviour.

Personally, I suffered extreme guilt regarding what I put my son and other people through as a result of my own narcissistic abuse experience.

And, before I healed my guilt, I tried to make amends in really unhealthy ways. When I was trying to make up for what I had done, whilst hanging onto the horrific guilt inside of me, all I did was make matters worse.

I had to turn inwards to heal and release my own feelings of extreme guilt. Trying to fix other people to take away my guilt didn’t work. When I was still banging around in all the traumatisation of my victimisation guilt, I certainly wasn’t. I wasn’t even listened to. I wasn’t taken seriously.

The truth was I hadn’t taken myself seriously yet nor had I taken myself seriously inwards to do the real inner work.

This inner work was deeply between me and myself, and as a result of healing my feelings with Quanta Freedom Healing, and moving into emotional freedom, I was able to show up being genuinely, solidly and maturely remorseful.

Guilt had been replaced by acceptance. I deeply understood that all that had played out was not just for my evolution, it was for others as well. Rather than stay stuck in the trauma of the past, it was up to me to be a generative force leading by example.

I discovered, from this place, I was easily accepted and forgiven.

I also understood another phenomenon – that the deep healing on myself created a phenomenal shift in them as well. Such is the power of Quanta Freedom Healing.

 

How to Transform Guilt

The other side of guilt is absolutely glorious. The healing that occurs as a result of releasing our guilt is magnificent. It’s really magical.

We see so many people in the NARP community have unprecedented breakthroughs and acceleration in their healing when they focus on loading up, releasing and transforming the guilt with NARP Module work.

The best modules to use are Module One, the Source Healing and Resolution Module, and as always Module Six is powerful for guilt work, as well as releasing co-dependency and establishing healthy empowered boundaries.

I hope that I have inspired you to set yourself free from guilt. It’s one of the most important missions you will ever have.

And I’d love to help you get started on this. Please come into my free webinar where I explain to you more about this, as well as how NARP can transform your life, and I take you through a Quanta Freedom Healing where you can start releasing your guilt immediately.

To get this process started you can click the link at the top right of this video.

And as always, I look forward to answering your comments and questions below.

 

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Parental Alienation and Accountability

DISORDERED PARENTING AND PARENTAL ALIENATION

 

Disordered parenting and parental alienation affects hundreds of thousands of children every year in the UK alone.  And yet cases are often misrepresented and misinterpreted leading children to being left in the care of abusive parents, all  under the supervision of agencies whose sole responsibility is to protect vulnerable children.

 

Child protection issue

 

Parental alienation and disordered parenting is child abuse.  It is emotional, physical, psychological and sometimes sexual abuse.  The main categories are:

 

  • Rejecting (spurning) 
  • Terrorizing 
  • Corrupting  
  • Denying essential stimulation, emotional responsiveness, or availability  
  • Unreliable and inconsistent parenting  
  • Mental health, medical, or educational neglect  
  • Degrading/devaluing (spurning)  
  • Isolating  
  • Exploiting

 

Adapted from Joan T. Kloth-Zanard, 2012, FOR THOSE THAT REFUSE TO USE THE WORD PARENTAL ALIENATION 9 CRITERIA FOR CLASSIFYING AGGRESSIVE PARENTING BEHAVIORS AS PSYCHOLOGICAL ABUSE AND DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

 

Legal issue

 

  • Family courts are often adversarial, unaffordable, slow, and even intimidating – characteristics which are profoundly incompatible with “the best interests” of children; 
  • Family courts and lawyers are neither qualified to assess children, nor to assess the competence of other professionals, and insufficient professionals have the highly specialized skills necessary for assessing children and families involved in separation, dispute or litigation, where the incidence of family violence & abusive parental behaviour, including extreme psychological manipulation of children, is very high; 
  • By exposing children to unqualified “professionals”, by taking years to make decisions, and by greatly exacerbating parental conflict & stress, our courts contribute directly to the occurrence of psychological child abuse and family violence; 
  • Our courts restrict public scrutiny and fail to obtain feedback on the outcomes of the thousands of life-changing decisions they make each year; theirs is not the open, evidence-based approach our children need and deserve; 
  • Through the actions of our family courts, which typically result in a dramatic reduction, or loss, of loving, important relationships between children and parents (or a failure to restore such relationships), the UK is failing in its obligations as a signatory to the UN Convention on the Rights of the Child & the Universal Declaration of Human Rights: we are denying some of the most fundamental rights, and needs, to tens of thousands of children and to their families; 
  • The annual cost of our family court system in government funding, consequent welfare dependency and lost income: billions of pounds. The cost in human loss and suffering: incalculable.

 

Adapted from Family Law Reform Coalition (AUS), 2015, Children in Crisis Executive Summary Urgent actions required to protect children in divided families 

 

Health issue

 

Parental mental health impacts the child’s outcomes.  Therefore a disordered parent is going to have a huge impact on a child’s health and well-being.  

 

Children of disordered parents and those who experience parental alienation often experience the following in adulthood:

 

  • Depression
  • Low self esteem
  • Substance misuse
  • Reduced ability to self direct
  • Reduced willingness to co-operate
    • (Amy J. L. Baker & Maria Christina Verrocchio 2013)
  • Anger and aggression
  • Self harm and suicide
  • Splitting
  • Long term mental health issues such as narcissism

Education issue

Hostile or neglectful parenting can result in anxiety and stress related disordered in children.  This can make school a very difficult environment for children.  They will be hypersensitive to sensory input and struggle with peer relationships.  This can lead them to be disruptive, withdrawn and eventually non-attenders (through expulsion or truancy).

Social Issue

When a child has chaos, neglect, threat, violence and other adversity, their potential is stunted, distorted and fragmented and when development is delayed, disrupted or impaired, the risk for more self-absorbed, impulsive, aggressive, violent and anti-social behaviour increases.  

Adapted from Bruce D Perry, 1996, Reflections on Childhood, Trauma and Society

Isn’t it time we worked together to address this problem?

The post Parental Alienation and Accountability appeared first on The Nurturing Coach.

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ECHO: Empowered Code For Healthy Outreach

ECHO: Empowered Code For Healthy Outreach

 

Today I want to tell you about a very powerful tool that has had a major impact on the healing process in our Thriver Community.

I developed ECHO, the Empowered Code for Healthy Outreach, because I wanted to honour people who had been victimised so that they could share their story, but I wanted it to be in a healthy way so that they could be met and supported to turn within and self-partner and start powerfully healing.

ECHO takes you through a Three-Step Process that shows you how to share information in the best possible way to generate healing.

I know it will help you understand how and why, this one shift in the sharing of your pain, can have such a profound difference in how you can heal from abuse and painful relationships.

 

 

Video Transcript

Today I want to talk to you about an especially important topic.

It’s called ECHO.

Echo is an interesting “name” in narcissistic abuse communities. You may know of the myth of Narcissus and how Echo fell in love with him. Narcissus was obsessed and in love with his own reflection in the water, and starved Echo of his love, which caused her to wither away and die.

Today, that is not the echo I’m talking about.

The ECHO that I do want to share with you is about the Empowered Code for Healthy Outreach.

Why am I talking about ECHO with you today?

Because understanding ECHO, will change the way that you reach out for help with narcissistic abuse, and deliver you powerfully onto the path of your true healing.

As you watch this episode, I promise you’ll understand why.

 

How Did ECHO Come About?

ECHO was originally the NARP Member’s Forum Code of Conduct. Our beautiful MTE team member Violet channelled this incredible and updated acronym name, which is just being released right now.

Okay … so now to the history of this Code, launched today as ECHO.

Many years ago, as my narcissistic abuse recovery work expanded, many people from all over the world, who had been narcissistically abused, were meeting in my Forum.

It shocked me, how people stuck in so much pain were lashing out not just about what the narcissist had done to them, but at other members of the Forum as well.

The Forum environment was incredibly toxic. It was beyond difficult to try to help people heal. And when people did try to encourage other people to drop the war story and start looking within to heal themselves, these people were demonised and attacked.

They were called victim shamers and blamers as well as many other things.

This was horrible to witness. How could I sort this out? I wanted to honour people who had been victimised so that they could share their story, but it needed to be in a healthy way so that they could be met and supported to turn within and self-partner and start powerfully healing.

I sat with it one afternoon, in deep inner enquiry, and the answer came.

The answer was ECHO.

 

What is ECHO?

ECHO is a Code to help people heal.

It is many things. There is one part of it, that I want to share with you – the Three-Step Process regarding how to share information to generate healing.

Hence why ECHO is called the Empowered Code for Healthy Outreach.

Let me explain this to you, starting with Step 1.

 

Step 1: Explain the Situation Factually

This is a statement of what your situation is, regarding narcissistic abuse.

Often, of course, in victimised pain, you look outwards and are in the war story of what happened to you. Which is completely and utterly understandable. Yet, this ignites cortisol and adrenaline. It accentuates fight and flight, which is trauma.

We know now, from the incredible work of scientists such as Bruce Lipton and Joe Dispenza, that when we are in this state there is a dire disconnection from calm, power and solution as well as healing and evolution.

In this place of heightened stress, you are also cut off from health and well-being. Your immune system and response to disease and threat physically, emotionally and spiritually is reduced … terribly.

Fight and flight is effective when you are in a situation of physical threat and need to get up a tree away from a predator. However, in terms of sorting out and healing and empowering our lives, this state is disastrous.

Not only does it impact us negatively, it triggers other people to catch the disease of victimisation, which ignites peptide addiction and keeps people extremely sick, and in progressive disintegration.

This is not just delaying healing; it makes it impossible.

Of course, venting in this way is completely understandable, but we can grow up to the point where we ask ourselves, “What do I really want to achieve regarding my healing? Do I want to get to the resolution of the trauma and claim my power, freedom and health?”

Of course, you know the answer to that question.

Okay, so rather than expressing what is happening to you in a traumatised, victimised way (which of course is very compelling and even addictive to do), if your explanation is calm and factual without using emotionally triggering words and statements, this keeps your Inner Being in a much healthier place.

Also, it doesn’t trigger others into a reactivation of trauma and powerlessness.

Please know there is no right or wrong. There is only what does and doesn’t work in relation to what we want to achieve.

So, in regard to Step One, Explain the Situation Factually, let me give you an example of what doesn’t work, as opposed to what does to take you towards your healing.

Jane is suffering the trauma of being hooked into her ex and she can’t stop breaking No Contact.

A victimised way for her to reach out for help in this situation would be something like this …

“I’m losing my mind. Why am I so stupid? Why can’t I stop going back? He just keeps hurting me, but I can’t stop loving him.”

Jane, at this point, is looking outside at what is happening in her life and has not started to self-partner to connect to her emotions (subconscious programs), to get into her own body where her power really is.

Yet, a small shift in the awareness of how to express what is happening to her can start that process, by saying something like this …

Step One: (Explain the Situation Factually) “I have broken No Contact three times in the last week. Every time I contact him, he is still abusing me and I get treated worse.”

The shift here is that Jane is simply expressing what has happened to her factually. This keeps her in her body and not falling into triggered peptide programs.

Now, Jane can move on to Step Two, which is …

 

Step Two: Claim and Express Your Painful Emotions

This part is initially tricky for people to do. But it is so powerful and 100% necessary for you to generate true healing.

By ceasing to focus on “the outside” and start coming deeply “inside”, you will awaken to, contact and start to heal your subconscious inner programs that are unconsciously co-generating the pain you are presently experiencing.

The reason why going inside to claim your own feelings is so powerful is because you are the only person who has the power to change in order to change your life.

So, what this means is you can start connecting to what you are feeling inside you and name it. This brings you relief and power by putting you back inside your Being – which is the only place where your power is.

Without you doing Step Two, healing is just not possible.

Let me give you an example of how this works with Jane again.

In her initial powerless statement, she said, “Why am I so stupid? Why can’t I stop going back?”

These are statements of being completely disconnected from self, rather than being self-partnered.

Her path to becoming powerfully self-partnered and healing her traumatised feelings began when she said:

Step Two: (Claim and Express Your Painful Emotions) “I feel like I am losing my mind. I feel powerless, worthless, broken. I feel like I’ll die without him loving me. I feel like I can’t live life alone, without him and that there is no hope for me to be okay on my own. This is what makes me contact him.”

By being REAL, about what is going on inside of her, Jane has just opened an incredible truth channel where others now have deep insight to what is really going on inside of Jane, and can reflect back to her WHY she is in such a “hooked in” situation.

This is what, as Thrivers, we do for each other. And it is incredibly healing (you will understand why soon).

None of this orientation and true solution was possible until Jane used the ECHO method.

Step Three is also vital.

It is this.

 

Step Three: Ask For A Solution

When you don’t ask for help and simply post about your suffering, what you are saying to yourself, other people and all of Life is this:

“I’m a victim.”, “I don’t deserve help!”, “I’m not worth helping!”, “There is no support for me!”

This will not shift in your experience until you start showing up asking for what you need.

This could be as simple as asking, “Please help me with this.”

How often have you heard somebody bang on with ferocity, pain and devastation, and you don’t even know whether they’re asking for help or just venting?

Something powerful happens when you set the intention and express that you want solution and healing. It starts the cogs of life shifting gears to support you and help bring that to pass.

So, after Step Two and Jane owning her feelings, she then posted …

Step Three: (Ask for a Solution) “Please someone help me, please help me get strong so I can stay away from him.”

Previously Jane had not asked directly for any help at all.

Now Jane could be met powerfully, truthfully and lovingly, in a way that helped her claim, shift and heal the necessary inner traumas to have her Thriver Breakthrough.

When Jane was instructed to shift EXACTLY those traumas she named, from her Inner Being with the NARP Healing Modules, she discovered the truth, about was really going on.

Somewhere in her past, Jane established wounds of not being worthy of love, of feeling she had to earn it, and she knew the familiarity of, “people who love me hurt me, abandon me and don’t want me”.

She had established these beliefs, “If people leave me I’ll die, I am defenceless on my own”. These were huge young survival programs established in her DNA as a child, and even further back, that Jane had previously felt powerless to overcome.

This was why she had kept going back to be battered time and time again, even though she wanted the abuse to end.

The same is true for all of us – there is a REASON within as to why we can’t get out of the abuse patterns.

Jane released and re-programmed these wounds with NARP Module work.

She then went free of those traumas and easily held No Contact.

 

The Shift From Victimisation to ECHO

Let’s just refresh our memory again.

Jane’s victimised post was:

“I’m losing my mind. Why am I so stupid? Why can’t I stop going back? He just keeps hurting me, but I can’t stop loving him.”

Now, I want you to feel into these words and feel the energy of them. What do they feel like in your body? Do they feel messy, traumatised, confused and hard to meet and help?

How do you help somebody who is in this place? It’s very hard to do.

Are they even in a space where they can be helped?

No!

Now let’s go through the ECHO method of expressing yourself, and see how it feels in your body.

Step One: (Explain the Situation Factually) “I have broken no contact three times in the last week. Every time I contact him he is still abusing me and I get treated worse.”

Step Two: (Claim and Express Your Painful Emotions) “I feel like I am losing my mind. I feel powerless, worthless, broken, I feel like I’ll die without him loving me. I feel like I can’t live life alone, without him and that there is no hope for me to be okay on my own. This is what makes me contact him.”

Step Three: (Ask for a Solution) “Please someone help me, please help me get strong so I can stay away from him.”

Feel this in your body. I want you to really feel it … inside.

Now pause this video and share in the comments how this ECHO way of reaching out feels in your body.

Okay, so I hope that this has brought to light some of what goes on in the NARP community behind the scenes.

There is healing miracle after miracle in there every day. NARP and ECHO combined are powerfully responsible for that – as are the incredible MTE staff of moderators and also beautiful loving Thrivers, ever capable and able to support you with your Thriver healing.

I really want you to know that ECHO is not just for the NARP Member’s Forum. It is such an empowered and healthy way to be able to conduct your entire life because it allows you to stay in your body and co-generate real solution and healing.

Those of you NARPers who are Gold members, and are not as yet active in the Forum, I encourage you to come into the Forum and receive these magical up-levels and transformations.

And, for those of you who are not as yet NARPers, I can’t recommend enough, if you are struggling with recovery, or are in toxic environments of victimisation and venting with other people, or with yourself, to think seriously about getting involved in this incredible community, as a NARP Member.

You can do so, and become a NARP member today, by clicking this link.

And as always, I look forward to answering your comments and questions below.

 

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The Rush to Divorce Mediation in the Time of COVID-19

The Rush to Divorce Mediation in the Time of COVID-19

Mediation might not be optimal for those whose spouse suffers from narcissism, bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, or other mental health issues.

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The Narcissist And The Fear Of Not Knowing The Outcome

The Narcissist And The Fear Of Not Knowing The Outcome

 

Fear is a really big part of narcissistic abuse.

Not knowing how things will end up when you’re being emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually and financially smashed, fuels that fear.

It totally feels like your outcome is bleak … but is it?

Beyond the threats, the devastation, powerlessness and lack of support there is a way to bypass the brain and let the body lead you out of fear.

Let me explain this Quantum Truth to you in my latest Thriver TV episode.

 

 

Video Transcript

One of the most terrifying things about a breakdown with a narcissist is that you have no idea how it will end up.

Emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually and financially you’ve been smashed.

You know that if you stay you will continue getting ripped to pieces, despite all your efforts to make it otherwise.

You know that if you leave that things could get even worse.

You may be facing court battles for property, businesses, resources and even your children.

The narcissist might already have seized control and ownership of many things, threatening you with how horrible they can make your life in the future.

Your outcome looks bleak.

But is it?

That question is what today’s episode is all about.

Before I get started, I’d like to thank you for subscribing to my channel and for supporting the Thriver Mission which is about a true solution to heal from narcissistic abuse.

And also remind you, that if you haven’t yet subscribed, please do.

Okay, so on with today’s episode.

 

How The Mind Perceives This

When you are in the throes of narcissistic abuse looking at the devastation of your world around you, absolutely you feel powerless.

And, it feels like you don’t have the health, sanity and resources left to go on with.

Additionally, it seems like other people don’t get it, aren’t being supportive and are not holding the narcissist accountable. They may even believe that you are the problem.

To add insult to injury, commonly legal personnel and the court system aren’t helping you either.

Things absolutely are bad, and no matter where you look there is no logical, physical proof that things can get better.

Yet, there is a deeper possibility of resurrection here that you may have never come into contact with yet.

And that is really normal because we’ve all been separated from our innate power, which is to know yourself as the Creative generative force of your experience.

We’ve been programmed to look to the outside world to try to get our answers and our power there instead.

I so know what it is like to be in this place, as I know many of you have or still do. It is completely typical of the breakdown of narcissistic abuse. And 100% understandable. However, I want you to know that it doesn’t have to be this way.

This is happening because you haven’t yet done the journey from the mind into the body to become the true Creator of your future.

Here is the divine dichotomy with this – when feeling traumatised and out-of-control, this is exactly the time when you need to make that shift the most, and it is the time when it’s the hardest to do it.

Let me explain …

 

When Traumatised, The Mind Is Energised

In narcissistic abuse breakdown the trauma is off the charts. You’re lucky to be able to make yourself a cup of tea let alone formulate a way to survive, break away and successfully rebuild your life.

Of course, you are terrified about what the future holds. You feel horribly unsafe in the present, and the horrific things in the past haunt you. Why would you have hope for the future?

Please let me explain to you the way your mind works so that you can understand why it is virtually impossible to think your way into a positive outcome.

Your brain is following your body.

The trauma that has infiltrated you, and is now literally inside you smashing your Inner Being, has a life of its own. This produces the intensely hijacking chemicals of fight and flee.

Once upon a time adrenaline and cortisol were incredibly effective to force blood and energy to your limbs to be able to run up a tree to get away from a predator. It was designed as a short-term solution, then when the threat disappeared, your system could reset to normal.

In the extreme trauma of narcissistic abuse, this isn’t happening. Because of the unpredictability, pathology, toxicity and life-sucking aspects of narcissistic abuse, you are constantly in trauma.

This means other critical processes within you are starved of nutrients and energy. Things like the ability to think straight, calmly and solidly. Your immune system is also depleted. This can make you very sick.

When you are in constant trauma, you have become a lesser, more ineffectual being.

Please know this is not your fault at all, it’s just the truth!

What this means is planning, finding solutions and the ability to inspire and generate support with familiars and authorities is seriously compromised.

This is why most people in the devastating breakdown of narcissistic abuse fare very badly. The narcissist often wins, leaving you stripped bare and even more traumatised.

It’s awful, but again it doesn’t need to be this way.

How can your future not end up on the scrap pile of life after being desecrated by a narcissist?

This is how … By doing the switch to putting your body in charge so that your brain can follow.

What does that mean?

I can’t wait to help you understand this, because it’s everything regarding your future outcome.

 

The Difference Between “Being” And “Thinking”

I really want you to understand the meaning of the word “be-come”.

It means that if you “be” it, then it will “come”. It’s vital to understand “being something” does not mean “thinking something”, it means BEING something.

I want you to feel the word “being”, as opposed to “thinking”.

Can you feel the word “being” as being in your body, in your visceral? Meaning it is anchored inside you. Which means it just is. It’s who you are being. It is Who You Are.

Now let’s think about “thinking”. When you are thinking something, it is a concept. It’s in your head but hasn’t yet transferred down into your Being. It’s not who you are being yet, it’s just what you are thinking.

To distinguish between the two is very important because this has everything to do with your future and how your life is going to unfold for you.

If you are thinking about what you want, and you are not yet anchored in the solid wholeness of your Being, in your body, then no matter what you think it’s not going to be-come your life.

Many of you may know that I am not a fan of the principles of Law of Attraction. The idea is great, but there are so many components missing, especially for people who have suffered high levels of trauma.

There is no way that you are going to be able to hold the thoughts or the visualisations of positive and incredible things happening in your life, such as ample money, a new home, people who love and support you and a wonderful intimate partner, after you’ve been smashed to pieces.

The trauma is just too horrific. There is too much adrenaline and cortisol. There are far too many unhealed inner traumas that you haven’t yet freed yourself from which are causing you to think in ways that completely match that trauma, rather than be able to move into an empowered knowing of the future.

There is the constant battle with these internal traumas, just by trying to survive them and overcome them.

The only way to truly overcome extreme trauma is to turn inwards and do the work directly in your Inner Being. Then you can go free from these traumas and automatically you will start thinking differently.

 

The Truth About Your “Beingness”

When you are dedicated to releasing your trauma, you will find that your Beingness was underneath the rubble of the trauma all along. This is your true essence, which is already unconditionally self-loving, self-accepting and able to honour yourself in life.

This is the True You who with so much less effort knows how to be self-generative and make your life work, regardless of what you have been through or what you’ve lost.

The activation of your True Beingness is probably what you have been trying to get from outside of yourself frenetically. For decades I was doing the same until I turned inwards and realised that it already existed within me.

Before this shift, that is everything, we are usually trying to put the “getting” with “thinking” in front of the “Being”.

I used to believe, while stuck in my trauma, that if I just tried hard enough to visualise the resurrection of my finances, and a new home, loving supportive people and a wonderful intimate partner that somehow I would be able to land up there.

It didn’t work.

Why?

Because I was attaching all of my Beingness to these outcomes. It made me stay clinging in my destructive marriage. A big part of me didn’t want to let go unless I was somehow able to create these things straightaway. I believed that my very Inner Identity, my Beingness relied on these things.

It certainly didn’t.

I didn’t realise until I let go, turned inwards with total self-dedication and self-love, finally realising that my healing of my Beingness was everything.

Not the Beingness of being able to hold visualisations of money, a home, people and a partner. Rather simply the self-partnering into wholeness with my Being.

I had no idea what that would bring, other than know I needed to do it. To my delight what started to arise very quickly was feelings of inspiration, awakening, wisdom, joy, love, appreciation, energy, health and every other positive emotion you could possibly experience.

None of this was artificial. None of this was produced from things outside of me. It just arose from within.

And, I noticed people and situations started to gravitate around me to support me. The most crazy good things started to happen, incredible synchronicity and support bringing me whatever I needed, appearing literally out of thin air.

Why?

Because I was self-partnered and life had started to partner me profoundly.

This is our natural organic Beingness without trauma.

I promise you that with all my heart.

That’s the alchemy. That’s the power.

That’s the shift.

What do you think your future will be from this place?

Do you think that you need any particular future in order to feel okay?

Or do you believe that you have an open heart connected to astounding resources to magnificently create and enjoy and love the journey?

I know of so many Thrivers, including myself, who have created the most incredible outcomes, that are continually unfolding every day. I am proud to say I have absolutely no idea of my ultimate outcome and destination.

And, so many of us came from narcissistic abuse devastation where it was virtually deemed impossible for us to ever make a comeback.

But I promise you, from a place of deep devotion and dedication to your Beingness, as a result of releasing your trauma, you will know yourself as an unlimited Being.

Maybe today’s Thriver TV episode is one that you will need to watch a few times to absorb these Quantum Truths. Or maybe they hit home straight away!

If this does hit home, I want you to pause the video and write below, “I totally get it!”

Okay, so I’d love you to truly anchor this in as Beingness, rather than it just remaining as a concept to consider.

The way I can help you get that shift is in my free webinar. You can come and join me in that process, by clicking this link and reserve your place.

And as always, I look forward to answering your comments and your questions below.

 

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If You Want To Be Immune To Narcissists You Must Go Within

 

I know you want your power back to detach, repel and heal from narcissists so that the infection of narcissistic abuse is no longer your reality.

Totally, you want to have 100% immunity against them.

There is a way you can do this, and it’s achieved by activating your immunity from within.

So, let me share with you, in today’s Thriver TV episode, how to stand up to, break away from and get emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually free from a person who is destroying your life.

In ways that absolutely work!

 

 

Video Transcript

You may have heard the expression, “if you don’t go within you go without”.

I totally believe, in relation to narcissists and everything and anything that we fear, this expression is the ultimate truth.

In today’s TTV episode I want to talk to you about how to take your power back, in absolute ways from within.

I hope that this can inspire you, regardless of what a narcissist tries to do, to know that you can become immune to him or her.

You can win this fight against the darkness that has permeated your life.

Okay, so before we get started on this video, I would like to thank you from the bottom of my heart for supporting the Thriver Mission and helping people know it’s possible to heal for real from narcissistic abuse. And, if you haven’t yet subscribed, I’d like to remind you to please do so.

Alright, onto the episode!

 

What Does Immunity Mean?

It means protection or an exemption from something. Which means not having to experience this thing anymore, or even at all.

How do we become immune to something?

The obvious answer is to have a powerful immunity.

My total belief is immunity comes from within, as the activation of our own already inner coded wisdom, power, freedom and health. It is our Divine Right to live as the highest expression of ourselves, regardless of outside threats.

If we truly are a part of the Oneness and all of Creation (a child of God/ Source) then it would be ridiculous to assume that we don’t have this ability or right.

In fact, to declare that we do not means resigning to accept ourselves as lesser beings. This is the ultimate act of handing your power away.

When you feel like a lesser being, you struggle to have faith and belief in yourself, or your own rights, health and value.

This is a perfect situation for the narcissist to latch onto you and infiltrate your soul and life. Then he or she can feed off your energy and resources for their own self-serving agendas.

This is a state of not having immunity.

 

Looking For External Immunity

When stuck in the powerlessness of narcissistic abuse, we often try to get somebody else to offer us our “immunity” or “protection”.

But does this work?

In my own life, and that of so many others, the experience was of people in our lives not being able to help us. Maybe they didn’t even believe in our cries for help, let alone believe they should support us.

Additionally, what is common is authorities not holding the narcissist accountable, and even laws being non-existent to protect us.

Of course, this can lead you to feel victimised, unsupported and incapable on your own when trying to stand up to, break away from and get emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually free from this person who is destroying your life.

 

Bargaining With the Devil

If you haven’t as yet become immune to a narcissist within your own being, then you may believe your only option is to try to get this person to play nice or change.

Maybe you are struggling to get past the heartbreak if you leave. Or, this person may have threatened you, and you know that they will be hostile and unreasonable if you try to leave.

Maybe you don’t know how it will be possible to survive on your own if you leave.

I used to feel exactly the same way, with all those things and so many more, which I know so many of you have faced as well.

In this position of helplessness, you may think handing over to the narcissist what he or she wants, can keep you safe and you can continue to exist.

But it’s a bottomless pit. It never stops. This person will never be appeased and will never stop sucking your soul and life dry. There is never a point where the payoff to you is love, health or safety.

Ever. Truly, ever!

Finally, so many of us realised this and directly experienced trying to make a deal that equalled selling your soul.

 

The Person Behind the Curtain

An astounding phenomenon begins to take place when you start to take your power back.

When you turn within to take the radical responsibility to heal and shore up every fear, gap and insecurity that you’ve ever had about yourself in your life, (which is all the stuff the narcissist is bringing to light and triggered within you) then this person who is hurting, manipulating and mining you for their own agenda, starts to lose power.

Many of us now know the following – narcissists need your fear and pain to exist in your experience. When you cut that off and go inside to the fear and pain and heal it up for yourself, then the narcissist can no longer use your negative and traumatised energy against you.

You discover that this person doesn’t have their own energy force. They are not powerful. They are like a parasitical virus who needs your “lack of immunity” (fear and wounds) to be able to get their hooks into you and start messing with you.

That is exactly what this infection, known as narcissistic abuse, is about.

If you are dedicated to your well-being, your emotional detoxing and up levelling (which is exactly what the NARP process is) and you have given up the victim model of trying to make other people and situations responsible for your life …

You’re in the driver’s seat.

Now you’ve taken your power back.

 

How to “Be” Immunity

The number one thing regarding being immune to a narcissist is to do the deep inner work on your wounds so that you are no longer triggered.

Then you will show up as clear and calm and powerful within the storm.

This helps you to start emerging as knowing who you are. Your truth and values will start to feel real for you and anchored in as your body truths. You will stop buying into the fear of them trying to get you to hand over your power.

And most definitely you are now breaking free of the belief that this person is your Source and that you need them to solve your problems and supply your life for you.

Remember, you are an incredible Creator who is capable of incredible love, power and truth As You Are.

Now you have unlocked the truth to life, that Life is always granting you more of what the composition of your Inner Being is being.

As such, your greatest mission is to emotionally create and claim Who You Really Are.

Then you can detach and simply state and walk facts and truth, and keep releasing all and any of the fears that arise for you.

Then without even needing to know outcomes, or have a looking glass, you just live it.  Then the alchemy of life around you starts forming to support and confirm exactly this truth.

 

The Conclusion of Narcissistic Immunity

My Thriver Way to heal takes a stand for TRUE narcissistic immunity.

This goes way beyond just being mere survivors. Rather, it catapults you into personal expansion, as a result of cleaning up all of the internal fear, pain and insecurities that we have all carried that were assigning other people as our Source, causing us to hand our power away to people who can hurt us.

We are all now in a time of Grand Awakening, of taking our power back from outside parasitical forces of many descriptions.

If you take a stand for your Grand Awakening, then I’d love you to write “I Declare My Narcissistic Immunity!” in the comments below.

And, if you know it’s your time to shore up all your fear and pain and get powerful in your own body, then come with me, and check out my Free Webinar to learn how to do this.

I can’t wait to show you how this is possible.

And as always, I look forward to answering your comments and questions below.

 

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Self-Isolating With A Narcissist? – Watch This!

Self-Isolating With A Narcissist? – Watch This!

 

This time of COVID-19 pandemic is incredibly challenging, especially for those who are self-isolated with a narcissist because, of course, you are going to be more susceptible to their abuse.

A narcissist gets their acclaim and adoration from others, but this is difficult for a narcissist in lockdown.

Narcissists do not fare well in lockdown and nor do those stuck with them, and some of you will see an escalation of abuse.

In this Thriver TV episode, I want to offer you some guidance to provide you with ways to protect yourself while this pandemic is restricting our lives.

 

 

Video Transcript

I can’t tell you how many people have reached out with this issue right now.

That’s why I wanted to have a conversation with you about it.

This time of COVID-19 pandemic is incredibly challenging, especially for those who are self-isolated with a narcissist because of course, you are more susceptible to his or her abuse.

My heart goes out to you, and I deeply wanted to do this episode, to grant you some powerful tools to be able to cope at this time.

 

Narcissists In Lockdown

The very nature of narcissism means that there is a high requirement for narcissistic supply – the attention from the world that allows the narcissist to know that he or she exists.

Once getting past the love bombing stage with a narcissist, and the honeymoon period, primary intimates are not the narcissist’s main source of narcissistic supply anymore.

That is because the cracks have appeared and you have become injured, disappointed and even disgusted with this person. You are no longer the fawning, adoring servant to the False Self that you once were.

This means that the narcissist needs to get his or her acclaim and adoration from others. This is difficult for a narcissist in lockdown. Either he or she is going to flaunt the rules and just do that anyway or being self-isolated means becoming intensely disturbed and distressed.

Adding insult to injury, there are narcissists who have also lost their income stream.

What does this mean?

It means that the abuse will escalate.

He or she will unleash the erupting self-annihilating critic that can no longer be medicated away with narcissistic supply, by attacking you.

It’s no surprise that health departments from all over the globe are reporting a big escalation in intimate partner and family violence as a result of COVID-19 restrictions.

 

Detachment Is Key

It’s true, this is a critical time for you if you are self-isolating with a narcissist.

This is a time when you really need to be actively empowering yourself, to not just survive this unprecedented situation our world is in, but also the tension and mayhem of being in close and constant proximity to a narcissist.

Narcissists are highly skilled at identifying your weak points and hitting them hard in order to get a reaction. This is about getting the drama – the feed of significance.

If a narcissist can blame you, and get you to be the bad one, they dump their inner ‘dis-regulated’ feelings all over you. Then this grants the added opportunity to be in contact with others to smear you and get narcissistic supply from them.

In order to emotionally survive, you must be stronger than ever, and not buy into it.

Your greatest hope is to detach so that the narcissist can’t extract narcissistic supply from you and will find another avenue to get it.

I know that can be hard. I know that can make you feel even more abandoned and abused. But truly when you can pull back and start focusing on your own inner healing, then you are well on the way to becoming free.

One of the greatest keys, as hard as it may seem to do, is to step up to the plate of looking after yourself, emotionally and spiritually. Dedicated attention to your inner state is your most important foundational piece to getting well.

If you still have hopes that the narcissist will wake up and love you healthily, then you’re in for a very painful ride.

If you believe that this time in isolation with this person means that you will be able to get them to see the truth and wake up, the more you try to make this happen, the more you will get punished.

Regarding any narcissist in your life, your mission is not to save them, fix them or get them to love you. The mission is, rather, to turn inwards and heal those parts of yourself that feel dependent on achieving these goals.

When you turn inwards with the intention to reclaim you, I promise you that you will discover an unhealed part of yourself from your past that wanted people to grant you love, approval, security and safety. Yet, now as an adult, your personal evolution is about healing enough to be the generator of those things for yourself.

I promise you that no matter how things seem, you have a lot to look forward to. Once you graduate beyond the neediness and the attachment to the narcissist you will start to come home to heal that relationship with yourself. I promise you that then the pain will start dissolving away, and your True Life can begin.

I really want you to know that the inability to feel solid within yourself, and being attached to people who were hurting you, was never your fault. We have all been a product of a world, education and caretakers which didn’t allow our Inner Identity to develop emotionally enough to be our own whole source yet.

I promise you, at this extreme time of pain and pressure, you do have an incredible opportunity, regardless of the fallout and stress that you are facing, to really get this job done.

Of course, in this time of coronavirus uncertainty, you don’t know what your future will bring. You don’t know what life will look like after this time. It is bringing up so much fear and confusion for many people. I know that this is going to be one of the most painful times of your life. I know that you want to receive the comfort from the narcissist, to give you a big hug and just tell you that everything is going to be okay.

But this person never did care about your wholeness, safety or security. You were merely a tool to feed the narcissist’s insatiable bottomless False Self. This isn’t personal. It’s not because you are unlovable or unworthy of love. It’s because this is simply how a narcissist operates.

Now that you are scared and vulnerable and unavailable to be the narcissist’s energetic slave, this is a time when they will punish you the most.

The narcissistic credo is, “How dare you try to need me when you are there to serve me!” Hence why so many narcissists leave their partners when they have serious illnesses. This is never what a genuine loving partner would do!

If you are trying to look out for and look after a female narcissist, in these challenging times, nothing you do will ever be good enough either. And you will still be blamed for everything.

Or, maybe the narcissist is using this time to his or her advantage to get you to hand over more energy, more pieces of your Soul as well as your rights, property and resources.

Don’t fall for it.

It’s imperative now to take yourself back, not hand over even more pieces of yourself.

 

How Do You Take Yourself Back?

With a narcissist, you are not fighting a practical war. You are fighting a spiritual, energetic one.

This is the battle between Life Force and Antilife. This is literally a battle for your Soul. If you grant the narcissist any of your energy, good or bad, then you are feeding his or her capacity to continue hurting you and sucking you dry.

Taking yourself back means that you become emotionally unaffected. You make it your greatest mission to detach to the point where you don’t respond to anything inflammatory, or get hooked into any debates, arguments or triggers of injustice whatsoever.

You stay clear of handing over any emotional energy at all.

There will be triggers.

Plenty of them.

The narcissist will try to get to you in the ways that he or she always has. This could be accusations, or complete abandonment and stonewalling. Or something else.

The narcissist knows exactly what presses your buttons and what can be used against you.

So how do you take yourself out of this dramatic soul-sucking game?

By shoring up all of those parts of you which used to be susceptible to this.

I want to take you through a little exercise to help you take your power back.

 

Your Detachment and Return To Power Protocol

Whether you are in self-isolation with a narcissist, or you have been struggling with any narcissistic abuse, past or present, and you know that there is a wound that is still there that hurts you, I want you to come and do this little exercise with me.

Before we get started, please make sure that you have a writing pad and a pen with you.

Okay, so I want you to close your eyes, take a couple of deep breaths and roll your shoulders back.

Now I want you to set the intention that the following exercise is going to be insightful, healing and empowering for you.

Please know “insightful” means granting you “inter-sight”.

Now, I want you to imagine being triggered by the narcissist.

You know how that happens and how incensed and off-balance you feel, when it happens.

Okay take your attention inwards, I want you to feel in your body, which part of you is being triggered.

Maybe you feel that dense painful energy in the pit of your stomach. Maybe it is in your heart. Or you feel it is a constriction in your throat. Is it located in another part of your body? Maybe the trigger feels so big it is everywhere underneath your skin.

Just breathe for a minute, and have your body relaxed and open. With your attention and consciousness deeply inside yourself, I want you to trust where you feel that trigger.

Now, I want you to take your awareness to that part of yourself, with the love and devotion and fascination of being really interested in what this is about.

With your body open and breathing, I want you to repeat this mantra after me.

“I am making this declaration that I am taking my power back. No longer do I look at you (the abuser) as my source of fixing what is hurting within me. Rather, I will now meet and heal what is going on within me. By doing so your energy becomes irrelevant in my life. You are not my saviour. I am my own saviour, and I let you go and release you, with relief, from every part of my being. I am now free to love and heal me.”

Okay so now with your body open and breathing I want you to stay in contact with this dense or painful energy inside your body, and I want you to say, “Sweetheart (or “mate” or whatever endearing term you want to use) I know that you feel scared and hurt right now. I am here to step up and love you back to wholeness. What is it that you are feeling right now? Please tell me.”

Now I want you to pause this video, for as long as it takes, and I want you to write about what has come up for you. Don’t change or sensor what comes. Just stay super present with love, pouring love into this inner part of you, as you would a child who you adore, while you listen unconditionally.

Write down what you receive.

If you like, you may wish to share a little bit of this below with myself and others. By doing so many people will be able to relate. Remember we are all in this together. There is so much power in sharing in a healing container like this. It will give you such a boost in your own healing.

Okay, so now that you are aware of what is causing your Inner Being to feel scared and hurt, you may recognise that this has been there for a long time. This is not necessarily just what the narcissist has done to you. It’s likely that what the narcissist is doing to you is a continuation of this feeling that you experienced before.

Maybe, just maybe, these are the feelings that you have had ever since you were a small child.

Now I want you to breathe deeply into this part of yourself, this scared hurt part and I want you to repeat after me, “Darling Inner Being (or whatever endearing term you want to use) I hear you, and I am here for you. I pledge with all my heart and soul that together we will heal back to integration, back to wholeness, to a place where we will never hand our power away to people who hurt us again. These people are no longer our reality, they were only the catalyst to bring me home to heal you. I love you, and I’m never leaving you again.”

Now I want you to just breathe and let that soak in.

If you feel that you wish to, please pause the video and share below how this feels in your body.

 

What Taking Your Power Back Will Create

This is what I want you to know with all my heart – narcissists only have power in your experience when they are using your wounds against you. When you take back your power by you being responsible for the healing of your wounds, the narcissist becomes completely irrelevant.

This is when, even with living in close proximity, this person will back off and leave you alone, because they can no longer operate in your experience.

But know this …  he or she may try many different tactics to pull you back into their energetic vacuum. You may have to meet your Inner Being many, many times over and over again as each new vulnerability gets tested.

For example, the narcissist may originally try being abrasive. Then you heal that part of yourself which is triggered by the careless and nasty words.

Then the narcissist may try stonewalling and abandonment. Then you heal that part of yourself.

Then the narcissist may threaten you with replacing you with new supply. Then you heal that part of yourself and become detached again.

Then the narcissist may break down and cry and be “sorry” and try to get you back in by pulling on your compassionate heartstrings. Then you detach and heal that part of yourself.

Then the narcissist may threaten you, and you shore up that part of yourself and you are completely unafraid.

And so on and on and on it goes, until you have healed every gap that the narcissist has been purposefully targeting in order to try to get back in and mine and drain your soul.

Can you imagine how evolved, up-levelled and impervious to any outside force you become as a result of this?

Can you see the grist necessitating your own spectacular personal evolution when stuck in self-isolation with a narcissist?

Is there a part of your Soul that is possibly excited about this opportunity?

I promise you that there are no mistakes – this is a paramount rebirth from extraordinary circumstances.

This is the stuff that Phoenixes were designed to do.

You are a Phoenix.

You are coded with the power of the entire universe inside of you.

You have everything within you to activate your True God Self.

I stand for this because this is what Thriving after narcissistic abuse is all about.

 

Your New and Free Self

What we have outlined in this episode today is exactly what healing from narcissistic abuse is about, except this is now in an intensified form. This is how diamonds are created, under intense heat and pressure.

Narcissistic abuse is a make or break deal, and I don’t know any time when this is more pertinent than now.

There are people suffering terribly out there because of narcissistic abuse because they don’t know the truth about the evolutionary process and opportunity that lies within it. This is horrific and as far as I’m concerned, such a waste of many beautiful Souls.

On my watch, I’m going to make sure that I help reduce the suffering from narcissistic abuse as much as possible, by helping people know about how to heal for real.

For all of you out there who want a very powerful tool to be able to detach and heal those inner parts of yourself that are being triggered, then I cannot recommend NARP enough. It is the process myself and so many thousands of other people who have been abused have used to heal the unimaginable.

If you have been in this community for some time you will have heard people talk about NARP on virtually every post on all of my social media platforms.

To learn more about NARP, and what it can do for you, click this link.

I also invite you to come into my free webinar to experience a free session of Quanta Freedom Healing for yourself, which will help you release and transcend some of the awful triggers that are coming up for you right now.

Okay, so I really hope that this episode has helped you, and I can’t wait to respond to your comments and questions below.

 

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