The Dark Side of Forced Reunification Madness The definition of insanity is believing that doing the same thing over and over will somehow produce a different outcome. Courts have been doing the same thing over and over since in the 1980s Richard Gardener, MD, introduced the term “parental alienation” as a way to defend 300 […]
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It is a difficult decision for any parent to lose custody of their children. It can be an even more difficult decision when the mother has lost custody due to her own misconduct.
Ways a Mother Can Lose Custody
In order to understand how this could happen, it’s important that we take the time to examine 6 ways in which a mother might lose custody as a result of her own actions:
1. Child Abuse
Society tends to see women as nurturing, but they can be just as capable of abuse. Despite the commonly held belief that women are less capable of child abuse than men, it is often more shocking to learn that a mother has abused her children. Some people assume this type of behavior occurs in only one-parent families and especially among stepfathers or adoptive parents, however, mothers can also be abusive.
The reason mothers lose custody of their children is abuse: physical, emotional, and sexual. Some people assume that women are less likely to be abusers, however, they can commit all types of child abuse which makes it more shocking when a mother abuses her kids because society sees them as nurturing but sometimes this isn’t the case.
Sometimes, a mother isn’t abusive herself but fails to protect her children from abuse by the new partner. If the court becomes aware of this behavior in either case, they are likely to lose custody.
When a father knows his child is being abused by the mother but does nothing about it, he fails to protect their child and this can impact both his custodial rights as well as the mother’s. This means that parents have an obligation to take care of their children.
2. Child Neglect
If a mother neglects her child’s basic needs, like health and education, she runs the risk of losing custody. For example: if she leaves them hungry or homeless without any clothes to wear they will likely end up in foster care. Neglect is often intertwined with other issues such as abuse or substance use so one should not be ignored for another.
There is no set standard for a “perfect parent”. Family law judges understand that parenting isn’t perfect, so they are willing to overlook some small mishaps such as being late picking up the children from school or not keeping an appointment. However, if there’s long-term neglect of the child and this threatens their well-being, then you could risk losing your parental rights with family court intervening.
A father may be able to prove the negligence of his children by the mother. Teachers, daycare providers, family members, and others are all potential sources for proof against a negligent parent. If these people notice that there is something wrong with how parents care for their kids but don’t know what exactly it might be or if they would want to testify in court about it on behalf of an estranged father’s custody case, then perhaps direct evidence can help them out!
3. Substance Abuse or Addiction
The courts take addiction to alcohol and drugs very seriously, in part because it can have a negative impact on the care that an addict’s children receive. If a mother struggles with addictions to alcohol and other substances she may be put into question as being unfit or unable to take care of her children.
If a mother is discovered to have a dependency on prohibited substances or drugs and alcohol, she risks having her custody rights revoked. Children of addicts are more likely to suffer neglect, abuse, and imitate their parents by picking up bad habits as well. In cases where there’s evidence of the mother’s substance use (drug/alcohol), fathers can present this evidence requesting that his ex-wife be stripped of visitation privileges with his children altogether in order for them not to pick up these unhealthy behaviors themselves.
Despite the fact that a mother can be awarded custody if she agrees to get treatment for her addiction, this isn’t always possible.
A result of giving mothers custody over their children when they are addicted is it may endanger them physically, sexually, or emotionally and put their lives in danger (e.g., drunk driving). However, there are times where mothers might still retain custody after signing an agreement allowing them access to counseling for addictions as well as following through on getting help from these services (if necessary) .
4. Violating a Court Order
A mother’s custody rights can be lost or reduced should she violate a child custody order. When a parent disobeys their scheduled responsibilities, neglects court-ordered visitation times with the father, and interferes with his parental privileges they may face consequences such as losing legal custodial authority of her offspring.
If a shared custody agreement is ordered by the court, and she fails to comply or interferes with her co-parent’s parenting time, then she will be in violation of the court order.
Violations of court orders are like any other form of misconduct: the more serious the violation is, it should be treated with a correspondingly stronger punishment. Assume that a mother consistently misses deadlines for dropping off or picking up her child by only several minutes, this technically qualifies as violating an existing custody agreement but will rarely have drastic consequences on their custodial rights since these kinds of minor violations tend to carry minimal punishments in most cases.
A mother who decides that the court’s order providing specific parenting time is a suggestion and not a directive may violate their custody agreement. If this continues to happen, it could lead to losing custody of her child.
A father should keep a detailed log of every time his ex-wife interferes with or violates their court order. Every instance the mother keeps the child from him sabotages visitation plans, and more can be used against her in court to lessen her custody rights as punishment for causing havoc between them.
Fathers should be sure not to let the violations of a court order go without any consequences. The usual reason they do this is that they want to avoid conflict, but mothers will only see that as an opportunity for them to violate it more often and solidify in their minds that it’s just a suggestion instead of something she needs to follow.
5. Domestic Violence
Domestic violence is not just something that happens to other people. To protect your children, you should also know the signs of domestic violence that are exhibited by mothers. You do not have to put up with abuse and ensure that they stay safe from harm.
If a mother is deemed to be abusive, she can have her custody revoked. This will ensure that the children are not exposed to potentially harmful abuse and also protect them from potential future harm.
Domestic violence is emotional abuse that may turn physical with time. Children are in danger of being exposed to this if they come in contact with or spend significant time, living in the home. Courts are aware of this and will take action for your safety.
6. Severe Mental Health Issues
Mothers with mental health concerns still have the right to custody of their children, however, if a mother’s state endangers her child/children or compromises them in any way then she can lose that legal privilege.
In these cases, the court has to consider whether or not it is in their children’s best interests if they are left under a mother’s care. The father will have to show that her mental health issues compromise their safety and argue that without his presence, their well-being would be better protected. This can sometimes require extensive interviews by psychologists as well as counseling before any final decision being made so this process may take some time but should always remain fair for both parties involved.
Other ways considered by the Law for mothers to lose custody of their children:
The final and most important thing a mother can do is to seek the help of an attorney. There are many ways for mothers to lose custody of their children as a result of misconduct, but there are also attorneys that specialize in challenging such decisions. If you’re feeling like your child’s best interests may not be at risk due to this ruling, please contact one of our lawyers today. They will work hard on your behalf and make sure that your rights as a parent remain intact so that you have time to raise them with the love and care they deserve!
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“Reunification therapy” is a harmful practice based on the harmful pseudo-diagnosis of “parental alienation” in the family court system. “Reunification therapy,” as per the fundamental working model, is a process that is geared to alter the child’s reality testing and perception of abuse. The denial of the child’s own experience of actions directed at them […]
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Let’s be completely clear about this. “Parental alienation” is a buzzword associated with the denial of sexual abuse of children. Toxic parenting, on the other hand, involves torturing children into hating a parent for an irrational reason. It is a cruel action, deranged and demented, from the parent who uses children as an instrument of […]
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Divorce can be an emotionally challenging experience for all parties involved, especially when it is a high-conflict divorce. Unfortunately, when parents cannot come to an agreement, it can negatively affect their children, leading to parental alienation. In this article, we will explore the connection between high-conflict divorce and parental alienation, and what parents can do to prevent it.
How High-Conflict Divorce Can Affect Children
A high-conflict divorce can have a profound impact on a child’s mental health and well-being. Children may feel like they are caught in the middle of their parents’ disagreements and may start to blame themselves for their parents’ issues. Children may also feel like they have to choose between their parents, leading to loyalty conflicts. These issues can lead to anxiety, depression, and behavioral problems in children.
What is Parental Alienation?
Parental alienation occurs when one parent deliberately tries to turn their child against the other parent. This can be done in subtle or overt ways, such as badmouthing the other parent, limiting contact with the other parent, or manipulating the child to choose one parent over the other. This behavior is often a result of a high-conflict divorce, where one parent is trying to gain an advantage over the other in a custody battle.
Signs of Parental Alienation
Parental alienation can be difficult to detect, but there are some signs that may indicate that a child is experiencing it. Here are some common signs of parental alienation:
Rejection of one parent: A child who is experiencing parental alienation may reject one parent without any valid reason. They may refuse to spend time with the parent, speak negatively about them, or even refuse to acknowledge their existence.
Lack of guilt: A child who is being manipulated may not feel guilty for their behavior towards the alienated parent. They may feel justified in their rejection of the parent and believe that they are acting on their own.
Inflexible allegiance: The child may be unreasonably loyal to the alienating parent, even in situations where the parent is clearly in the wrong. The child may take the alienating parent’s side in conflicts and refuse to listen to the other parent’s perspective.
Fear or anxiety: A child who is experiencing parental alienation may feel anxious or fearful around the alienated parent. They may believe that they are betraying the alienating parent by spending time with the other parent.
Lack of empathy: The child may show a lack of empathy towards the alienated parent, even if the parent is clearly suffering. They may seem indifferent to the parent’s feelings and needs.
False accusations: In some cases, the child may make false accusations against the alienated parent, such as accusing them of abuse or neglect. These accusations may be part of the alienation campaign orchestrated by the other parent.
It is important to note that these signs may also be present in situations where there is no parental alienation. Therefore, it is essential to carefully evaluate the situation and seek professional help before making any assumptions.
Preventing Parental Alienation
Preventing parental alienation requires a collaborative effort between both parents. Here are some tips and strategies that can help prevent parental alienation:
Put the child’s best interests first: Both parents should prioritize their child’s well-being and put their own issues aside. It is essential to create a safe and stable environment for the child. This means focusing on what is best for the child, even if it means compromising or making sacrifices.
Communicate respectfully: Effective communication is crucial in co-parenting. Parents should try to communicate in a respectful and civil manner, without blaming or criticizing each other. This can help reduce tension and conflict and create a more positive co-parenting relationship.
Create a co-parenting plan: A co-parenting plan can help set clear expectations and boundaries for both parents. It should include a schedule for visitation, holidays, and other events, as well as guidelines for decision-making and conflict resolution. By establishing a plan, both parents can have a clear understanding of their roles and responsibilities, which can reduce conflict and promote cooperation.
Avoid badmouthing the other parent: It is crucial for parents to avoid speaking negatively about the other parent in front of the child. This can create confusion and negative emotions for the child, leading to parental alienation. Instead, both parents should focus on encouraging a positive relationship between the child and the other parent.
Encourage a positive relationship with the other parent: Parents should encourage their child to have a positive relationship with the other parent. This can be done by speaking positively about the other parent, facilitating communication, and supporting their relationship. It is important for the child to feel comfortable and supported in their relationship with both parents.
Seek professional help: Family therapy and counseling can be a valuable tool in preventing parental alienation. A qualified therapist can help both parents work through their issues and develop effective co-parenting strategies. Therapy can also provide a safe and neutral space for parents to communicate and resolve conflicts.
Parental alienation can have severe consequences on a child’s mental health and well-being, and it is often a result of a high-conflict divorce. However, by putting their child’s best interests first, communicating respectfully, and working together to create a stable and positive environment, parents can prevent parental alienation and support their child’s healthy development.
If you are struggling with the emotional toll of parental alienation
Our team of experienced counsellors can help you process your emotions and give you the strength you need to keep fighting.
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I have a dirty little secret I kept to myself for many years…my son has rejected me and refuses to have anything to do with me.
Like millions of other parents across North America, I found myself embroiled in a very contentious custody battle. I was forced to fight tenaciously to remain a part of my son’s life, endlessly being pushed through the revolving door to the courtroom.
I was accused of things I had not done, painted as an incompetent mother, and covertly berated to my son. I was relieved when my ex-husband moved out of province and my son moved in with me full-time because I thought everything would be smooth sailing moving forward.
Within a year and a half, the last nail had been added to the coffin and I found myself financially depleted, feeling completely isolated, and without a relationship with my only son who went to his father’s for Christmas break and never came home.
Alienating You From Your Children
Parental alienation has many faces, but the outcome is always the same…a child is influenced by an emotionally unhealthy parent (or other caregivers) to reject a fit and available parent. To the alienated parent, this rejection can sometimes occur literally overnight (as it did with me), or they experience a gradual degradation in the relationship they have with their child until that child finally “decides” they don’t want to see their parent anymore.
Some common indicators (observed at various phases of alienation) suggesting that you are being alienated include:
Your child tells you that they do not want you to attend their extracurricular activities.
Minimize conflict and approach your child with empathy.
Demonstrate patterns of behavior.
Involve a qualified mental health professional.
Educate Yourself About Parental Alienation
As a co-parenting and reunification coach, I talk to many parents. I talk to parents who are beginning to suspect they are being alienated, parents whose children have just cut-off from them emotionally, parents who have not had a relationship with their children for years, and even parents who are being wrongfully accused of alienating their children. In almost every single case, the parent does not fully understand the dynamics of parental alienation.
Knowing how the alienating parent thinks is paramount in successfully countering them at every turn. Understanding your child’s perspective will change the way you perceive your child’s behavior and the way you react to it. What many alienated parents do not know is that they sometimes engage in behaviors that unwittingly reinforce the alienation. Gaining a deep understanding of parental alienation will help you to avoid some common pitfalls.
Reduce Conflict and Approach Your Child with Empathy
Alienating parents thrive in chaos and conflict. In fact, they go out of their way to ensure that the child associates conflict with the alienated parent. Unfortunately, you cannot control anyone but yourself. Therefore, the role of conflict resolution master falls on you.
Many things happen when you are able to successfully achieve this. You feel more in control, your stress level goes down, you are giving the alienating parent less ammunition to work with, and you look like a rock-star in court and to any other professionals involved.
Reducing conflict when it comes to communicating with your ex is one thing. It is equally important to carry this over to your parenting practices. This often means ignoring poor behavior rather than acting like a disciplinarian, and responding to your child with empathy rather than anger and frustration (which becomes much easier after educating yourself on your child’s perspective).
Normal parenting practices often do not work with alienated children, and I strongly recommend you find the help of a seasoned coach to help you if you are struggling to parent your child.
As an alienated parent, it is common to feel off-balance and put on the defense, and forever reacting to the chaos. Being reactionary is your worst enemy when being alienated from your child. It leaves you feeling completely out of control, and often makes you appear unstable to untrained therapist eyes who may be involved. I get it! I went through it all myself and was desperate for anyone to believe me and step in to protect my son.
All the while, my ex remained cool, calm, collected, and overall appeared to be more grounded and capable.
If you’ve been going through this for some time, I’m sure you are pretty good at predicting your ex’s next move. Now is the time to preemptively act on every prediction you make. If you are being falsely accused of drug use, invest in drug testing so that you have proof that these allegations are false rather than waiting for a judge to order the testing.
Take parenting or conflict resolution classes. Prepare yourself mentally for the next parenting exchange and think about what you can do to deescalate any expected situation your ex may concoct.
Demonstrate Patterns of Behavior
Did you know that 95% of Judges enter the courtroom without ever reading a word of the evidence submitted? This means that they are relying on your lawyer to paint a picture of what is happening within your family. This is what typically happens…your ex’s lawyers slings mud in your direction, including possible false accusations.
Then your lawyer slings mud back in the other direction. The Judge is then left frustrated wondering why “you parents” just can’t get along and thinks you’re both the problem.
Documenting the alienating parent’s behavior is key, but that is only one side of the equation. The next step is organizing ALL that information into a format that can be easily understood and that demonstrates long-term patterns of behaviors over the course of years.
Pathways Family Coaching offers a free webinar to help parents understand exactly how to achieve this. A link to register can be found at the end of this post.
Involve a Qualified Mental Health Professional
If your children are already starting to pull away, or are refusing to speak to you and have you blocked on all channels, the only recourse you may have is to seek “reunification therapy”. But there is something very important to understand…there are no developed protocols for “reunification therapy”, which means that any therapist can proclaim to offer this service regardless of the approach to therapy they take. This means that outcomes can wildly vary.
If you are seeking therapy to help your family, there are several important things to take into consideration. First, the therapist needs to be highly qualified. I always recommend a family systems approach to therapy with a therapist who has a background in attachment, trauma, and personality disorders. They also need to understand and be able to identify pathological enmeshment and the difference between alienation and estrangement (when a child rejects a parent for legitimate reasons).
If you are seeking a court order for therapy, it is important that ALL caregivers and the children be ordered to attend therapy. This includes step-parents, and most importantly, the alienating parent. After all, they are the source of the problem and if they are not required to meet with the therapist, it is much more difficult for the therapist to identify the root of the problem. I always recommend strict and thorough court orders that ensure the alienating parent complies with the therapeutic plan, and the therapist is empowered to make recommendations to the court if reunification is not successful after a period of time
Parental alienation is a very complicated family dynamic that is often missed by the courts and many therapists, is left uncontested by child protection agencies, destroys families, and leaves the children with long-term lasting effects of the emotional abuse they endured well into adulthood and sometimes for the rest of their lives.
CLICK HERE to register for Pathways Family Coaching’s free webinar on how to demonstrate patterns of behavior, or CLICK HERE to schedule a complimentary call with someone on our team.
FAQs About Things To Do When Your Ex Alienates Children:
Why does my child not want me to attend his school activities?
If your child doesn’t want you to attend his/her school or extracurricular activities, it’s quite possible that it’s a case of parental alienation. Parental alienation is common after divorce.
How can I tell If I am being alienated from my child?
You can tell that you are being alienated from your child, if your child refuses to honor your parenting time and insists it is their decision. You can also know you are being alienated when alienating parent texts and emails the child intrusively while the child is with you; your child refuses to eat any food cooked or touched by you and rejects any form of affection from you.
What to do if you are being alienated from your children?
If you are being alienated from your children, you must educate yourself on how to counter the alienating parent. You should also approach your children lovingly, minimize friction, take parenting conflict resolutions classes, and involve a qualified mental health professional.
What should I do if my children don’t talk to me anymore?
You should seek reunification therapy if your relationship with your children appears to be fractured beyond repair.
Is there a difference between parental alienation and estrangement?
Parental alienation occurs when one parent poisons a child against the other and estrangement happens when a child rejects a parent for legitimate reasons.
Can I ask a court to order therapy to help against parental alienation?
You would have to provide the court with proof and ask it to order therapy to help against parental alienation. The court can order all the caregivers and the children to attend therapy.
Is parental alienation a complicated phenomenon?
Parental alienation is a complicated phenomenon, which often goes uncontested at courts, and has the potential of ruining a parent-child relationship. Children often carry the trauma caused by parental alienation into their adulthood.
"name": "Why does my child not want me to attend his school activities?",
"text": "If your child doesn’t want you to attend his/her school or extracurricular activities, it’s quite possible that it’s a case of parental alienation. Parental alienation is common after divorce."
"name": "How can I tell If I am being alienated from my child?",
"text": "You can tell that you are being alienated from your child, if your child refuses to honor your parenting time and insists it is their decision. You can also know you are being alienated when alienating parent texts and emails the child intrusively while the child is with you; your child refuses to eat any food cooked or touched by you and rejects any form of affection from you."
"name": "What to do if you are being alienated from your children?",
"text": "If you are being alienated from your children, you must educate yourself on how to counter the alienating parent. You should also approach your children lovingly, minimize friction, take parenting conflict resolutions classes, and involve a qualified mental health professional."
"name": "What should I do if my children don’t talk to me anymore?",
"text": "You should seek reunification therapy if your relationship with your children appears to be fractured beyond repair."
"name": "Is there a difference between parental alienation and estrangement?",
"text": "Parental alienation occurs when one parent poisons a child against the other and estrangement happens when a child rejects a parent for legitimate reasons."
"name": "Can I ask a court to order therapy to help against parental alienation?",
"text": "You would have to provide the court with proof and ask it to order therapy to help against parental alienation. The court can order all the caregivers and the children to attend therapy."
"name": "Is parental alienation a complicated phenomenon?",
"text": "Parental alienation is a complicated phenomenon, which often goes uncontested at courts, and has the potential of ruining a parent-child relationship. Children often carry the trauma caused by parental alienation into their adulthood."
https://family-court-corruption.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/02/5-Must-Dos-if-Your-Ex-is-Alienating-You-From-Your.jpg450800adminhttps://family-court-corruption.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/11/fcc-logo-jpg.jpgadmin2023-02-08 13:45:582023-02-08 13:45:585 Must-Dos if Your Ex is Alienating You From Your Children
We will all have tales of horrible Holidays – the parent who storms out on Christmas Day leaving the children distraught; the partner who provokes and snipes until you snap and meltdown in front of guests; the cheater who disappears on Christmas Eve and doesn’t return until Christmas Day is over – narcissists create pain and drama at every turn.
It’s natural to feel upset, confused, angry, and to want to hold the narcissist accountable for how they’ve hurt you. You can find yourself desperately trying to make them understand and step up to the plate. Or maybe you rail against the injustice and campaign for someone to ‘do something about narcissists so they don’t get away with it’.
This is the ‘outside in’ way of living, and today I explain why it is ‘putting the cart in front of the horse’ and can never achieve the results you are looking for. Instead, let me show you the way to make real change, and to claim your healing liberation so that horrible holidays become a distant memory.
Today I want to talk about how to go from the horrors of holidays to your healing liberation.
It’s completely understandable that holiday time can feel so painful wherever a narcissist is concerned. We hear from many of you about how you feel triggered, resentful and even vengeful at this time of year. Such painful emotions are horrific to go through, and narcissists are masters at triggering them, as you know!
Victimization can be such a strong feeling – and it’s really understandable because holidays can be triggering at the best of times. For instance, having to get together with people that you might otherwise not choose to meet up with, can result in power plays and control dynamics. Holiday celebrations are well-known to be a prime time for arguments – for good reason!
Then on top of it all, throw a toxic person into the mix. I’m going to use the example of the narcissist, their social media and their ‘new life’.
Narcissists love to grandstand their new life all over social media. Especially if they are with new supply, they will be posting about what incredible times they are having, their holidays away, and just how magnificent and wonderful their life is.
This is just what narcissists do – they love to be narcissistically pumping up their own tyres and shouting, “Look at me, and look at my life,” at holiday time.
So I know it’s very hard for you and for a lot of people – just like it was once upon a time extremely hard for me as well.
I want to look at this from the Quantum point of view because that deeper Quantum understanding is what takes us out of an ordinary life and into an extraordinary one. Understanding this bigger picture takes us from the victim perspective of, “This is happening to me,” to a higher vibrational level of, “This is happening for me.”
Of course, this is not an easy leap to make at the start. But when you master it and start applying it to your life, you’re going to start seeing the healing results and the all-important relief, very quickly.
How, then, do we go from such horrors to healing liberation?
The first step is always to stop.
Stop looking to the outside, stop being in ‘the story’ of what has happened, and say, “I bless and accept this feeling. I bless and accept this reaction that I’m having to this trigger. I bless and accept the feelings that I have of loneliness and being unsupported, of feeling I’m not good enough to be loved and my life isn’t the way I thought it would be. I bless and accept this feeling.”
Then the next powerful mantra we can say is, “What is this showing me? What can I heal within me to become the person who can and will generate healthy, supportive, genuine relationships?”
BUT – and it’s an important ‘but’ – none of us have any power to change people and situations outside of ourselves, in order to change our lives. We just don’t. That’s a false premise.
We’ve wanted to change other people and their hurtful behaviour so that we can get our emancipation. But it never works.
You know that already. You’ve almost certainly reached out and got in contact with the narcissist at some point saying something like, “This is really cruel what you’re doing. I can’t believe that you’ve done that. I can’t believe that I meant nothing to you. I can’t believe that you’ve just moved on so easily.” Or “I can’t believe that you’ve introduced her/him to our kids. I can’t believe that you are spending Christmas with our families and our friends. I can’t believe… I can’t believe…”
The result of that – of trying to get a narcissist to change so that we can feel better on the inside – is that you’ve handed the narcissist exactly what they want, which is the bullets to shoot you with.
They get to stand superior and say, “Well look, I’ve got a great relationship. I’m functional – but look at you! You’re a victim, you’re stuck in blaming, your life is terrible and you can barely get out of bed, let alone function. That is vindication to me that I was right and you were wrong.”
The narcissist will take whatever you do and say, and use it against you to smear you, punish you, devalue and discard you even harder.
Living Life from the Outside In
At the Quantum level, whenever you try to change somebody else in order to change how you’re feeling and what you’re generating in your life, then you’re putting the cart in front of the horse. The cart is going nowhere, and it will keep rolling back on the horse – and you’re the horse.
Quantum law doesn’t work that way.
We can stamp our feet, and we can be a victim, and we can say it’s not fair and we aren’t the bad one. You can jump and scream just like I did for years. But then you will keep getting squashed by the cart because that’s how Quantum law works.
The truth is that you are a grand creator of your own reality from your emotional vibration and your subconscious programming, which is the generative engine of your entire life.
Source / Life / God always says, “I adore you so much, I will give you more of your being.” There is no judgment there, simply the Quantum reality that whatever you are being is what you will get more of.
In the example above, the subconscious programming and the trauma is, “You’ve left me. You are having a great life and a great holiday. You’ve got all the power, all the happiness, the cars, the house and the new partner – you’ve got it all. ”
If that’s what your engine is saying, then that’s where you’re vibrating. If you’re being that, that’s all you’re going to get more of. No matter how much you try to change somebody or something outside of yourself to get your beingness back, they’re only going to give you the evidence of your being. This is why life hasn’t been working.
Living Life from the Inside Out
Going back to when I said, “I bless and accept this feeling. What is this showing me? What is this teaching me? What can I heal within myself? What can I generate differently.”
When you get to that place, there’s only one thing to do, which is to say “what hurts?”
In the past, this might have meant going to a therapist and lying on a couch or sitting opposite them and talking over and over and over again about what hurts and what’s wrong. Because of course, you’re human and you feel unsupported, unfulfilled, unloved and your life is so painful, especially at holiday time when your stuckness is accentuated.
When you have Quantum tools, you actually have the ability to do the work through your body. You can ask yourself, “What hurts? I’ve got this shocking feeling in my heart and my solar plexus. It’s like I want to die,” and that’s all you need to know.
You can load it up energetically and you can let it go.
That will include letting go of a variety of beliefs in your love code. “The people I love leave me. The people I love invalidate me. The people I love replace me,” or “I’m not lovable. People don’t hang around. People don’t commit to me. People won’t fight for me,” or whatever it is.
You don’t even need to know those love codes and those beliefs because they’re wrapped up in, and are the glue that’s holding, that trauma – that horrible feeling – in your heart and solar plexus leaving you feeling like you want to die.
Once you start using Quanta Freedom Healing, you will realize that you have the ability to feel your emotions in your body, load up the trauma, and shift it out.
Quanta Freedom Healing removes these painful false beliefs and false premises, because these are not who you really are at True Self, Source level. They’ve been programmed in by other people – who also have false painful programming and separation consciousness. This is what our planet has perpetrated on everybody as a psychic disease, and you get to shed that disease. You get to fill with Source and the Light.
Then you come back home to your belonging with Source. So people and situations who aren’t that – who don’t have the capacity or desire to meet you in integrity, honesty, teamwork, solution building and unity consciousness (aka narcissists) – will become completely unappealing to you.
You will uplevel beyond them to the point where you will see them with the new supply and you will go, “Oh yuck. You poor girl/ guy. You’re going to have to go through what I did.”
No longer will you be obsessing, because you will know at a deeper, wiser Source / Self level that that’s their journey. That’s their evolution – to come home to themselves exactly as you’ve now claimed and graduated into your own evolution.
Experiencing Healing Liberation
This is a big conversation. Sometimes the Inner Being mechanics are not easy to explain in linear, sequential, logical ways that you can hear.
That’s why when you listen to my transmissions, you may just need to open your body, breathe and let it soak through yourself to understand what I’m saying.
But in my workshops and in my courses, I break it down for you in stages and steps with Quanta Freedom Healing. Yes, I give you the mind understanding, but most importantly I give you the body shift so that after you go through a Quanta Freedom Healing, you’re not the same person. You’re not that victim stuck in your head and in the bandwidth of the trauma. You get the body shift of releasing the trauma out and letting the Light and Source in – and then your mind changes, as your brain synapses re-wire to reflect the body shift.
There’s a huge difference between trying to think your way out of pain and Quantumly shifting out of it. And you have to experience it to understand what I’m saying – even though I know there’s a part of you hearing this that already knows it is true.
It could be the scenario I described above. Or it could be alienation from your children and your loved ones. It could be fall-outs with your family. It could be that you’re just all alone. Maybe you know that there are narcissistic people who violate your boundaries, smear you in front of people and hook you for reaction. Or maybe they grandstand and take the limelight. Or they disappear or do the silent treatment, or create fights.
Whatever it is, it results in you getting triggered. You lose control of you. You have a horrible time, hence horrible holidays.
What I’m really passionate about for these holidays is jumping in there and providing you with a workshop that is Quantum and is going to take you through the steps – plus a very powerful healing. No matter what your heartbreak, and whatever the horrible situation, this workshop is able to give you your healing liberation.
* Works cited are listed at the end of the article. The perverted, unscientific, contrary-to-medical-fact positions taken by Richard Gardner MD and marketed to an amoral legal and judicial system have become the driving forces undermining the prosecution of sexual, physical, and emotional abuse of children through the US court system. Gardner’s functionally psychotic theories […]
https://family-court-corruption.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/11/fcc-logo-jpg.jpg00adminhttps://family-court-corruption.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/11/fcc-logo-jpg.jpgadmin2022-11-15 02:20:422022-11-15 02:20:42Richard Gardner, Father of “Parental Alienation,” in His Own Words
During our training to teach batterer classes, we often discussed the fact that much of domestic violence is counterintuitive. One would expect abusers to deny and minimize their abusive behavior, and they do. One would also expect alleged victims to exaggerate or even make up false reports of DV. Instead, it is very common for victims to minimize his abuse; take more responsibility than she deserves; and make excuses for him. Most court professionals are not DV experts and would not even consider the very different responses from victims and abusers.
We have heard lawyers and judges question whether a DV expert should be allowed to testify if they haven’t interviewed both parties and possibly any children. This mistake is based on the standard practice of evaluators speaking with everyone. It is also based on a fundamental failure to understand domestic violence. The Saunders Study is the leading research about the DV knowledge of court professionals. It found courts should use a multi-disciplinary approach to DV custody cases. Nevertheless, courts routinely listen to evaluators who failed to consult a DV expert and are without the DV knowledge Saunders found to be necessary.
In the real world, professionals routinely make important judgments about DV without speaking to the alleged abuser. Doctors, therapists and DV advocates often calculate a child’s ACE score based on what the safe parent tells them. They have found this to be highly accurate because the research confirms women rarely make deliberate false reports of abuse, particularly in the context of contested custody cases. Similarly, advocates and law enforcement routinely use lethality or danger assessments based on the reports of the alleged victims. These practices have proven to be helpful and accurate. Of course, if these assessments lead to criminal charges or other court action, the alleged abuser is certainly given the opportunity to respond.
Courts Need DV Expertise
There is now a specialized body of domestic violence knowledge and research that was not available when custody courts developed their response to DV cases. This information is critical if courts are to be effective in recognizing and responding to DV. Saunders found court professionals need more than generalized DV knowledge. They need knowledge in very specific topics that include screening for DV, risk assessment, post-separation violence and the impact of DV on children. Saunders found most evaluators and other court professionals do not have this specific knowledge. When courts attempt to make decisions in possible DV cases without the necessary DV knowledge the results are often catastrophic and frequently ruin children’s lives.
There are four parts to proper screening for DV. The first part is to avoid non-probative factors that are often used to discredit true reports of abuse. Common examples include the alleged victim leaves and returns, she fails to follow through on a request for a restraining order, she doesn’t have police or medical records. These are common responses of victims for safety and other good reasons. Another related mistake is treating an alleged abuser’s good behavior in public, including testimonials from friends, family, and colleagues as if that tells us anything about his private behavior. In the batterer classes I taught, the men usually acted respectfully, and we were trained to understand this tells us nothing about his behavior in private. In many cases, professionals observe an alleged abuser interacting with the children. When they don’t show any fear, the untrained observer assumes this means he cannot be abusive. The children understand he would not hurt them in front of witnesses, so it is safe to play with a father they still love. The fact courts continue to discredit abuse reports based on non-probative factors demonstrates the need for a DV expert.
The second factor is simply to determine which parent is afraid of the other. Sometimes victims challenge their abuser during litigation. They are afraid of him but find the courage because they are trying to protect their children. When an alleged victim accepts clearly inadequate child support, this is often because she is afraid of his response if she demanded what the law requires. Context is important, including the relative size and strength of the parties in determining the fear issue.
Most custody cases, like any litigation are settled more or less amicably. The problem is the 3.8% of cases that require trial and often much more. Although courts often use a high conflict approach, 75-90% of these cases are really domestic violence involving the worst abusers. This does not mean they committed the most severe assaults, but rather he believes she has no right to leave and so he is entitled to do whatever is necessary to regain the control he believes he is entitled to and punish the mother for leaving. Courts cannot make decisions based on statistics but should look to his actions to understand his motive.
Most parents would sacrifice their resources and preferences to benefit their children. Accordingly, it makes sense to look to see if the father is making such sacrifices or alternatively refusing to do so. Is the father refusing to pay child support and other child related needs or making it difficult to collect? Is he interfering with the child’s communication with the mother? Is he blocking therapy and other decisions that would benefit the child? Saunders found abusive fathers use decision-making to block anything the mother wants and especially therapy because the child might reveal his abuse. Is the father uncooperative with socialization and activities that would benefit the child? Does the father engage in unnecessary and harmful litigation tactics? Is he trying to gain an unfair advantage by imposing high litigation and other expenses on the mother? Is the father willing to spend more to deprive the mother or child of something than the issue would cost him? I had an extreme example in one case where the father canceled health insurance for the children that was fully paid by his employer. The court treated it as an economic issue rather than proof the father was deliberately trying to hurt the mother and children. An abuser is not likely to engage in all these bad practices but looking at the totality of the circumstances can help the court determine whether the father’s priority is the well-being of the children.
The final part to screening for DV is looking for the pattern of abuse. Courts tend to focus on incidents, and that is needed for evidence, but in DV cases, it is not just that the abuser committed some incidents, but it is who he is, what he believes, and all designed to impose his will. The pattern would include all the tactics the abuser used during the relationship and since. This emphasizes that most DV is neither physical nor illegal. The tactics often also include emotional, verbal, economic, and litigation abuse as well as isolating and monitoring tactics. Including all the tactics makes more evidence available and helps courts recognize his motives. The fact that his tactics continued after the separation demonstrates he has not changed. Some professionals assume the end of the relationship ends his abuse, but the research found only accountability and monitoring are effective in changing abusers’ behavior. When courts minimize or overlook abusive behavior, it serves to encourage these harmful tactics. This is not beneficial for the children.
Risk Assessment is central to the work of DV advocates because if we can’t keep the victim safe, nothing else matters. It is hard to believe courts haven’t made this a similar priority to protect children. The Center for Judicial Excellence keeps records of children involved in contested custody who were murdered, mostly by abusive fathers. Since 2008 they have found over 860 child murders.
There are specific behaviors associated with higher risk of lethality. These circumstances include strangulation; hitting a woman while pregnant; hurting animals; threats of murder, suicide, or kidnapping; access to guns; stalking; and the belief she has no right to leave. I have reviewed over 1000 child custody evaluations and never saw an evaluator reference the lethality risk associated with these allegations. The failure to focus on risk assessment results in denying and minimizing the risk from abusers.
Post-separation violence refers to two types of risks courts rarely consider. In contested custody, fathers who had limited involvement in childcare during the relationship suddenly seek custody or shared parenting as a tactic to gain access to the victim and punish her for leaving. Saunders found abusive fathers sometimes use visitation exchanges to harass or even assault the mother. Abusers may use meetings or communications to try to resume the relationship or just have sex. This might be misunderstood as romantic, but it reveals the motive for seeking custody. Abusive litigation tactics and economic abuse are often a continuation of the father’s DV once he no longer has regular access. Even worse, many abusers recognize the best way to hurt a mother is to hurt her children.
Abusers do not commit DV because of anything the mother said or did. Rather, his behavior is based on his sense of entitlement and belief as the man he has the “right” to make the decisions. This means he is likely to abuse future partners. If he is given custody or unprotected visitation, the children are likely to witness more DV and that would prevent them from healing so they will suffer the awful consequences of exposure to multiple adverse childhood experiences.
The ACE (adverse childhood experiences) Research is peer-reviewed medical studies from the CDC. It provides the answer to Saunders question about the impact of DV on children and goes to the essence of the best interests of children. ACE found that children exposed to DV, or child abuse will live shorter lives and suffer a lifetime of health and social problems. Most of the harm is not caused by any immediate physical injuries, but from the fear and stress abusers cause. Without ACE, courts routinely minimize the harm from DV or child abuse and are deprived of the most important information.
ACE tells us that many common court practices work poorly for the children the courts are obligated to protect. These mistakes include: refusing to consider older abuse; assuming a very young child could not be harmed by DV because they would not understand what occurred; failing to allow enough time to learn the full context and patterns; using approaches that demand the child just get over it; high conflict approaches; using shared parenting in cases where children have multiple ACEs; using unscientific alienation theories; failure to give serious consideration to supervised visitation; and failure to focus on how to reduce the fear and stress on children.
Avoiding Outdated Practices
Saunders found custody courts need to use a multi-disciplinary approach in cases where there may be domestic violence. This means courts benefit from hearing DV experts when determining if there is DV as well as best responses. It is puzzling why judges or lawyers could believe a DV expert must speak with an alleged abuser to provide useful information while there would be no question a party’s therapist can testify after only working with their client. The mistake is probably based on familiarity with standard evaluator practices and a misguided sense of fairness.
As DV expert witnesses, we often hear the alleged abuser’s voice through evaluation reports, GAL reports, court transcripts, and messages like texts or emails. The attorneys who complain we did not speak to their clients would never have allowed us to speak with them. Even without us speaking to the alleged abuser, the court will hear his side of the story because he will be given an opportunity to present a case. In contrast, when courts rely on an evaluator without the needed DV expertise, the court never hears the vital DV information discussed above. Even when there is no evaluation in a case, the judge and lawyers are relying on the many evaluations they have read in other cases that fail to consider important DV expertise. In other words, courts will always have an opportunity to hear from both parties, but only with a DV expert can the court consider the type of life saving information described earlier.
There is a history and context that undermine the adoption of needed reforms. Present practices, particularly concerning evaluations in DV custody cases were developed at a time when no research was available. The popular assumption was that DV was caused by mental illness or substance abuse. This led courts to turn to mental health professionals as if they were the experts in DV. They are experts in psychology and mental illness, and this can be helpful particularly when there are mental health issues in addition to the DV. Further research proved mental illness and substance abuse reduce inhibitions, so DV is more severe, but does not cause DV. Saunders established that evaluators do not have the necessary DV expertise, but courts have been slow to use the multi-disciplinary approach needed to protect children.
At the same time, DV is about control, including financial control. This means most of the financial resources favor abusive fathers, so courts have heard much more biased misinformation that favors abusers. Most lawyers do not have DV expertise and many refuse or discourage presentation of DV information because they believe judges don’t want to hear them. This is precisely the scientific research and DV expertise courts will miss without testimony from a DV expert.
There is something terribly wrong when an alienation theory based on no research, but the belief sex between adults and children can be acceptable continues to have more influence on custody courts than ACE and Saunders that are peer-reviewed scientific research from the CDC and National Institute of Justice. The alienation theories were twice rejected by the American Psychiatric Association because there is no research to support it. The National Council of Juvenile and Family Court Judges seeks to train other judges about ACE and Saunders because without this vital research courts routinely deny or minimize true reports of abuse AND RUIN CHILDREN’S LIVES.
As DV experts, we can provide custody courts with knowledge of important scientific research, DV dynamics, gender bias, child sexual abuse, batterer narratives, and the importance of context. This knowledge proves many standard court practices are harming children. If we don’t speak to an alleged abuser, the courts will get his side of the story anyway, but if courts don’t hear from DV experts, as the research recommends, courts will never hear the information needed to keep precious children healthy, safe, and alive.
https://family-court-corruption.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/01/Someone-is-Mentally-Ill-an-Addict-or-an-Abuser-The.jpg300232adminhttps://family-court-corruption.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/11/fcc-logo-jpg.jpgadmin2022-10-12 20:55:142022-10-12 20:55:14Does an Expert Witness Need to Speak with all Parties?
You think you have found the love of your life….. but they turned out to be your BIGGEST mistake!
The Narcissists Pathological Relationship Agenda (NPRA) is a pattern of behaviour which is evident is the majority of their relationships, including the one with their children. Once you identify this pattern, you can superimpose it on every single relationship the narcissist has ever been in and make predictions about future relationships and how to protect your children.
Let’s unpack some of the elements of the NPRA.
This relates to something the narcissist considers important and wants to achieve or solve. In relationship terms this is primarily an unmet need from childhood, an dysfunctional schema or generational trauma.
The behaviours which a narcissist cannot control due to their pathology such as projection or narcissistic rage. The behaviours are a maladaptive efforts to self regulate.
Narcissists are by nature interpersonally exploitative and this manifests from the disorganised attachment style which has taught them that people cannot be trusted to meet their needs and so they need to use others by whatever means necessary to get their needs met. It is why there is a push/pull dynamic to these relationships. Narcissists desperately shift and change tactics in an attempt to meet their unmet needs, creating confusion for the partner who finds their their efforts, which previously had been wanted and welcomed, are suddenly cause for anger and criticism. They want someone else to meet their unmet need but don’t trust them to and so will often have a “back up plan” or take control in order to try to force you to meet their need.
We all have unmet needs from childhood. Many psychologists believe our unmet needs are our purpose, our own unique pathway to healing. Unfortunately for narcissists, their disorganised attachment means they are unable to go within to meet those needs and instead seek external resources.
Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs shows the levels of needs all human beings have met and unmet, depending upon our experience. For narcissists, their unmet needs are usually psychological needs and although their attempts to meet those needs might appear more sophisticated, at their core they often come down to being about belongingness (an aspect of attachment) and love.
Schemas relate to the basic emotional needs of a child and are broad, pervasive themes regarding oneself and one’s relationship with others. When these emotional needs are unmet, dysfunctional schemas can develop. The 18 schemes are:
Emotional Deprivation: The belief and expectation that your primary needs will never be met. The sense that no one will nurture, care for, guide, protect or empathize with you.
Abandonment: The belief and expectation that others will leave, that others are unreliable, that relationships are fragile, that loss is inevitable, and that you will ultimately wind up alone.
Mistrust/Abuse: The belief that others are abusive, manipulative, selfish, or looking to hurt or use you. Others are not to be trusted.
Defectiveness: The belief that you are flawed, damaged or unlovable, and you will thereby be rejected.
Social Isolation: The pervasive sense of aloneness, coupled with a feeling of alienation.
Vulnerability: The sense that the world is a dangerous place, that disaster can happen at any time, and that you will be overwhelmed by the challenges that lie ahead.
Dependence/Incompetence: The belief that you are unable to effectively make your own decisions, that your judgment is questionable, and that you need to rely on others to help get you through day-to-day responsibilities.
Enmeshment/Undeveloped Self: The sense that you do not have an identity or “individuated self” that is separate from one or more significant others.
Failure: The expectation that you will fail, or belief that you cannot perform well enough.
Subjugation: The belief that you must submit to the control of others, or else punishment or rejection will be forthcoming.
Self-Sacrifice: The belief that you should voluntarily give up of your own needs for the sake of others, usually to a point which is excessive.
Approval-Seeking/Recognition-Seeking: The sense that approval, attention and recognition are far more important than genuine self-expression and being true to oneself.
Emotional Inhibition: The belief that you must control your self-expression or others will reject or criticize you.
Negativity/Pessimism: The pervasive belief that the negative aspects of life outweigh the positive, along with negative expectations for the future.
Unrelenting Standards: The belief that you need to be the best, always striving for perfection or to avoid mistakes.
Punitiveness: The belief that people should be harshly punished for their mistakes or shortcomings.
Entitlement/Grandiosity: The sense that you are special or more important than others, and that you do not have to follow the rules like other people even though it may have a negative effect on others. Also can manifest in an exaggerated focus on superiority for the purpose of having power or control.
Insufficient Self-Control/Self-Discipline: The sense that you cannot accomplish your goals, especially if the process contains boring, repetitive, or frustrating aspects. Also, that you cannot resist acting upon impulses that lead to detrimental results.
Trauma can be passed down from generation to generation in our cells, our beliefs, our behaviours and our culture. The symptoms of generational trauma may include hypervigilance, a sense of a shortened future, mistrust, aloofness, high anxiety, depression, panic attacks, nightmares, insomnia, a sensitive fight or flight response, and issues with self-esteem and self-confidence.
When a child grows up with a parent who isn’t able to self-regulate, it can result in a disorganised attachment because a secure attachment is formed through consistent co-regulation with the caregiver, which leads to the child being able to self-regulate.
Narcissists are unable to self regulate due to the breakdown of this system in childhood and so seeks out others to regulate for them (not co-regulation). Their partner (and even children) become “regulatory objects” to them, a thermostat by which the partner regulates their own emotions in order to regulate the narcissists emotions.
Now let’s piece all this together to create the NPRA so that you can predict future behaviours.
I will state at this point though that most narcissists have one or two dominant NPRA’s but multiple agendas will appear at times of extreme stress.
Common NPRA include sex, money, success, admiration. The key to knowing if it is unmet is that despite appearing to have what they claim to want, it will never be enough and will remain unmet and so narcissist pathologically pursues it (affairs, stealing/fraud, taking the credit for others success, centre of attention).
Inconsistencies include demands faithfulness but cheats, spends money on self but is extremely frugal with others.
Clues to NPRA are their career choice, sexual history, attitude to money, need for attention.
Job is police officer (thinks can heal generational trauma of not being protected by protecting others, fits their schema of punitiveness and vulnerability, and meet their unmet need of safety).
Pathological behaviours can include:
neglecting safety of family in pursuit of recognition of protection of others
attempting to control every aspect of their environment (including people in it) to feel safe
NPRA is to create a false sense of safety but in reality they are unable to meet this need and so keep repeating the same unsafe patterns, refusing to show any vulnerability and seeing it as a weakness in others, and punishing others who do not make them feel safe or who express not feeling safe with them.
Sexual history is promiscuity and failed relationships (unmet need for love and to belong, dysfunctional schema of enmeshment and abandonment, generational trauma of grandparent’s affairs).
Pathological behaviours include:
cycling through relationships quickly
uses sex to “make up” after arguments, to reward good behaviour or punish “bad” behaviour by withholding
NPRA is to force “love” through sex. They will measure the quality of a relationship by the frequency, nature and quality of the sex, creating an environment where consent becomes coerced because you know the consequences for not agreeing.
Predicting Future Behaviour
If you have just started dating someone and you have concerns, narcissists will reveal their agenda early on in the relationships as they will talk a lot about it and derive great pleasure from it or become angry/jealous about it. They will also tell you in how they describe their previous relationships including the one with their family, particularly parents. Listen and watch!
If you are in a relationship with someone who you suspect might be narcissistic please know that it is not your job to save them. If they keep repeating the same behaviour and refuse to change, know that this is their NPRA and unless you can surrender to “groundhog day” existence of the same issues coming up again and again, GET OUT!
If you are co-parenting with a narcissist, identify the NPRA and in particular the underlying unmet needs, dysfunctional schemas and generational trauma, and help your child to build emotional security and resilience in these areas so they won’t be as susceptible to the pathological behaviours. To protect them in the long term, heal your own attachment wounds and recognise when you are dysregulated and have the tools to regulate yourself. This will create an environment where you can co-regulate with your child, leading them to be able to self-regulate which reduces the risk of them becoming a “regulatory object”. We offer numerous treatment options for PTSD (which inhibits your to self regulate) as well as the Circle of Security Parenting Course, which is attachment based.