mr. nice guy

Why Wives Detach From “Nice Guy” Husbands

mr. nice guy

The nice guy husband’s plan never works because a wife will never respect a man who doesn’t respect himself.

 

Bill is a nice guy husband. And he’s furious.

Meet Bill.

Bill is one of those “nice guy husbands”. He is strikingly familiar to me and models a former version of myself.

By all appearances, he’s got the world by the balls.

He’s got a beautiful home, gorgeous wife, 4 great kids and an enormous income from his successful software business.

Despite his attractive 6 ft. 2 in. frame, dark complexion, sexy smile, impeccable style, enviable income and the adoration of all of the neighborhood ladies…Bill is quietly smoldering with resentment.

It seems Bill has captured the admiration of just about everyone…except his wife.

Bill’s Dirty Little Secret

Bill has a secret he’s ashamed to admit. Nobody would ever suspect this is going on inside his home.

His marriage sucks and he’s killing himself trying to fix it.

But, Bill is a really good “fixer”.

He can fix anything. His entire life has been a long string of over-achievement, business success and admiring friends. In his mind there is nothing that can’t be fixed with extra effort and persistence.

Bill is generous with his time, attention and money…sometimes to a fault. He loves getting appreciation and admiration in return for his efforts. And when he’s feeling insignificant or ignored, he knows exactly how to get people to notice him. He just gives until he gets.

So why isn’t this working at home?

Bill Gives…and Then He Gives Some More

Bill explained to me his strategy. He knew exactly how he would fix the problem at home.

All he had to do was keep giving to his wife until she had to submit. He would give so much that she would have no choice but to appreciate him, kiss him and give him the passionate sex he wanted.

So he told me his plan. This is based on a true story. Prepare to be amazed.

I give her so much! I work 70 hours a week and make great money. She can buy anything she wants and she knows it. She’s not a great cook, so I’ve been doing all the cooking for breakfast and dinner. I also do all the shopping because I pass by the store anyway on the way home. I also do all the laundry and most of the housecleaning. I have higher standards than she does, so it’s easier just to do it myself. She stays home with the two little ones and spends most of her time on Facebook from what I can tell. Recently I’ve started bringing home flowers for her to get her attention. And last night I brought home some rose petals and candles and drew a hot bath for her and decorated the tub. After she was in the tub and I was walking out, waiting for a thank-you, she said, ‘You know, you really shouldn’t try so hard.’

That just pissed him off and he asked me, “How much more do I need to do to get some affection from her?” I told him, “Less. Much less.”

Isn’t Bill Sweet?

When I told this story to a woman recently she said, “Awww…he’s sweet.”

All I could do is laugh and say, “No, Bill is being a fool.”

He is doing way too much and for all the wrong reasons.

No self-respecting man should be tripping over himself to prove himself worthy. A self-respecting man isn’t motivated by the need to have others like him. And he doesn’t disrespect himself by taking on more than his fair share of the load just to get sex.

I explained to her that Bill is making the same mistake every “nice guy husband” does.

He has come to believe that every relationship in his life is a simple transaction.

If I give this then I must get that.

He thinks if he’s willing to give his time, attention and money…then others will feel obligated to give him their time and attention in return. It works really well for him everywhere but at home.

Bill’s mistake is believing his wife should be impressed by his generosity, selflessness, and kindness. If a little is good then more is better. He believes that by going overboard she will feel obligated to reciprocate with love, affection, and sex.

The truth is Bill’s wife is disgusted by his willingness to prostitute himself out just to get her to like him.

His plan will never work because she will never respect a man who doesn’t respect himself.

The Solution

First of all, I want to acknowledge the obvious issue with Bill’s wife.

No matter how jacked up Bill’s sense of self-respect is or how he is trying to manipulate her, there’s no excuse for her lack of effort. She needs to step up and pull her weight. She needs to address her own passive-aggressive issues and take responsibility for her fair share of the load no matter what.

Back to Bill.

No matter what his wife chooses to do Bill needs to find his way back to self-respect and self-validation.

Most “nice guy husbands” have never really achieved those things but they manage to thrive in business and friendships using the implied contract of “I give therefore I shall get”.

Bill needs to stop giving at home with the hidden agenda of coercing his wife to like him. He must learn how to create his own feelings of independence and affirmation. His attachment to her responses toward him has created a monster. This is the hallmark of a “nice guy husband” – a chronic neediness that infects his relationship and his soul.

He must decide what his personal values are and what he expects of himself. This includes establishing clear boundaries for what he expects FOR himself. He must learn how to hold himself accountable to his own principles and how to defend his boundaries without apology.

This is his path to learning the art of self-reliance and detachment from neediness.

Will this save his marriage? Will it re-attract his wife?

Who knows? That’s less important right now than Bill saving himself.

Will he ever have the affectionate and passionate relationship he wants?

If he does the work…absolutely.

My new book Straight Talk Tools for the Desperate Husband will help you to lead yourself and your relationship back to good health. Understand why your partner acts the way she does toward you and learn how to lead your life in the direction you want it to go. You CAN have the relationship you want, fulfilling all your desires while maintaining love and respect.

I wrote a free e-book to help men learn how to lose their fear and be bolder in their marriage to create the love and connection they want. Get The Hard to Swallow Truth About Saving Your Marriage HERE

If you want to learn more about how to take a bigger step toward being a clear-headed, confident man of action, then find out more here. I would be thrilled to help you get there – our first discovery call is always free and always gives you a BIG boost of confidence.

You WILL become a clearer, stronger, more confident man only through other men. Your woman cannot take you there – and she doesn’t WANT to…trust me on that.

The post Why Wives Detach From “Nice Guy” Husbands appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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COVID-19 AND DOMESTIC ABUSE: Woman with black eye holding help sign

Stay-At-Home Orders and COVID-19: A Nightmare For Victims of Domestic Violence

COVID-19 AND DOMESTIC ABUSE: Woman with black eye holding help sign

 

It’s not always obvious that you are in an abusive relationship. Many times in abusive relationships the victim will believe they are to blame or deserve the abuse.

The recent global pandemic has brought couples closer than ever.

Unfortunately, closeness can be a hell behind closed doors for victims of domestic violence.

 “Stay at Home” Orders: A Living Hell For Victims of Domestic Violence

According to Katie Ray-Jones, the CEO of the National Domestic Violence Hotline, perpetrators are threatening to throw their victims out on the street so they get sick. They are also using this time in isolation to withhold financial or medical resources or medical assistance.

Times of social distancing and isolation can be an opportunity for an abuser to unleash violence on their victim. According to recent reports, since the “stay at home” orders have been issued, the YWCA, a non-profit organization for victims of domestic violence, reports that they have seen a 50% increase in calls.

This is an important reminder that not everyone is safer at home.

Signs of an Abusive Relationship

According to the World Health Organization, one in three women will experience sexual or physical violence in their lifetime. It can happen in times of peace and stability, but domestic abuse can elevate when crisis strikes.

Abuse can be any action, physical or emotional, that is cruel and violent or intended to cause harm to someone. The first step to seeking help for abuse is knowing what signs to look for.

Jealousy

Jealousy has no place in a healthy relationship. Many times in abusive relationships jealousy will start off as a minor annoyance, but can quickly escalate into a daily problem.

The first signs of jealousy can be to gradually isolate you from family and friends. Jealousy can also include constantly accusing you of cheating or flirting with other people.

Possessiveness and Control 

When possessiveness and control rear its ugly head in a relationship, the outcome can be extremely damaging to a person’s mental health. Constant “check-ins” on your whereabouts and who you are with can be the main sign that your partner is possessive or controlling. In addition, a possessive partner will try to control where you go and who you see.

Signs of Possessive or controlling behavior include:

  • Checking your phone or computer without your permission
  • Constant calling you or texting you and asking who you are with
  • Constantly putting you down
  • Explosive temper
  • Mood swings
  • Gaslighting

Physical Violence

Physical abuse is any intentional forced and unwanted contact with you or something close to you. Sometimes abusive behavior doesn’t cause any pain or cruises, but it can have a lasting emotional impact.

Examples of Physical Abuse:

  • Scratching, punching, biting, strangling or kicking.
  • Throwing something at you such as a phone, book, shoe or plate.
  • Pulling your hair.
  • Pushing or pulling you.
  • Grabbing your clothing.
  • Using a gun, knife, box cutter, bat, mace or another weapon.
  • Smacking your bottom without your permission or consent.
  • Forcing you to have sex or perform a sexual act.
  • Grabbing your face to make you look at them.
  • Grabbing you to prevent you from leaving or to force you to go somewhere.

Sexual Abuse 

Sexual violence refers to crimes like sexual assault, rape, and sexual abuse. Typically, a partner who is physically violent is also sexually abusive. Intimate partner assault and rape are intended to intimidate, control and demean victims of domestic violence.

According to, The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV)’s, “Women who are sexually abused by intimate partners suffer severe and long-lasting physical and mental health problems, similar to those of other rape victims. They have higher rates of depression and anxiety than women who were either raped by a non-intimate partner or physically but not sexually abused by an intimate partner.”

Get Help Immediately 

Toxicity in relationships usually gets worse, if you find yourself in a physically or emotionally abusive relationship, it’s important to know you are not alone.

Domestic violence advocates are urging women who are not in forced quarantine or isolation to seek help immediately. For victims already in isolation, the National Domestic Violence Hotline is rapidly working to develop strategies to help those who are in lockdown.

If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic violence, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline via text or call at 1-800-799-7233.

The post Stay-At-Home Orders and COVID-19: A Nightmare For Victims of Domestic Violence appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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single mom covid19

How Are We Single Moms Coping With COVID19?

single mom covid19

 

Answer to the above? Of course, we are coping! We must!

But what does this really mean to us?

How Are We Single Moms Coping With COVID19?

Those who are newly divorced single moms and those of us who are not! How is this crisis shaping us as individuals, let alone single mothers who must keep it all calm and keep it all together?

The news on this pandemic is literally changing by the hour. How we start the week on a Monday is very different than how we end the week on a Friday.

My gosh, how we start the day is one story and by 5pm it’s completely altered. And even while the world sleeps or while we are unable to sleep, the 24-hour news cycle is regurgitating the day’s top story over and over with graphics and Breaking News that look like Armageddon!

We consciously and unconsciously absorb all of this and it can be utterly overwhelming. But of course, it is important that we pay attention and heed the warnings.

How do we keep our families calm and keep ourselves glued together, especially if we are the breadwinners of the family?

Schools are closed, mandated work from home orders, shelter in place, layoffs, furloughs and people ripping toilet paper out of each other’s hands and hoarding palettes of water at the grocery stores… we have seen and heard it all. So, let’s get down to it! Let’s cope, shall we!

So, I hear the schools are closed! Umm really? I can hear you all saying to yourselves, “I guess I can be a teacher too?”

Okay, so on this one it may take some memory cells for me to recall this time in my children’s life on a normal day let alone during a pandemic. My kids are in their twenties, so let me reach back to the grade school days that you all may be in now.

I can only imagine how in the world I would cope with orders to stay at home to work remotely and have my kids’ home and out of school at the same time! If you live in Hawaii, no problem. They can play outside in the 80-degree weather. But those who are in places like New York where the temperature is 48 degrees, well they will have a very different experience.

So, I suggest you load up on learning websites, board games, books, arts, and craft projects and all the above that will keep them busy while you try ever so hard to get some work done too. Remember though, you are not in your normal work setting.

Remind those that have mandated this of that fact too. This is one instance that you do not have to feel guilty for caring for your children while appeasing your boss at the same time. Your boss gets it. They must and that’s the end of that story.

You are not a miracle worker…though it feels like it most days.

You are doing the best you can and that is all anyone can ask! How you respond to this will translate over to your children. They are watching you and will learn this skill as it has now become part of their story and life memories. You got this!

So now you find yourself working from home.

Do you get up at the normal time?

Do you even get dressed at all?

Is makeup necessary?

Well, all of that depends on how visible your company asks you to be. I, for example, must be on video calls. Though I don’t need to be in full business attire, I really don’t want my boss and coworkers to see what I look like after I have rolled out of bed and into my home office. Nor do I want to see what they look like.

So yes, as Paul McCartney would say in Sgt Pepper’s Lonely Heart Club Band, drag a comb across your head!

Warning…let your kids know when you are on a call! I have worked in a remote office setting for many years, I remember when my son was 3 years old, he wanted his truck fixed and I was on a call with my boss. He walked in and slammed his dump truck down on my desk and asked me to drop everything and fix his truck. I kept switching the mute button on and off as I tried to care for his urgent truck repair and make sure my boss didn’t know a thing about what I was dealing with presently!

I wasn’t about to give him an opportunity to tell me that I didn’t seem focused on my job. I am happy to tell you that in this time of COVID19 home officing, you do not have to hide a thing. It is what it is.

Lean on your colleagues who perhaps do not have kids at home and ask them to help you with whatever you need. A report or an urgent client response, they are there too and can help. Know that you and your office mates, though no longer physically next to each other can still be emotionally connected. It takes a village for sure and this is one of those times!

I had no idea that a football Helmet was required to go to the grocery store!

But in the time of COVID19, you could use a football linebacker as your ringer to get you through the aisles to the water palettes and toilet paper rolls! I honestly have never seen anything like it before!

But for those of us who have either little ones in the house or even elderly ones to care for it can be a do or die task to get these items. The good thing is that they are now rationing, and hoarders are no longer able to stockpile palettes of water and hand sanitizers in their garages only to still be there in 2030.

Again, it takes a village and the way to really survive this time is through kindness.

Kindness to the store clerks and kindness to the family members who are ever present in your space as you all reside together now 24 hours a day… 7 days a week…30 days a month … 364 days a year……Oh, Dear.

Which of course leads me to the intense cohabitation that we now find ourselves in. Don’t get me wrong, I love my family. But I wouldn’t mind a little more social distancing practice inside my little abode.

I have realized just how much I am responsible for. More than I really wanted to know. As I am working away on my computer trying to make the living, we all need, my son… who is looking for a job post-college still, is clanging plates downstairs and making his third meal of the day. It’s only 11am.

My daughter is in the background freaking out about how much she loves her classes and doesn’t want to do them online now, and in between rants reminds me that she needs help buying two books (which are $80) to reference for the online classroom platform.

Oh, and if classes resume, she needs a parking pass. I can then hear her videos playing on her Mac in her room as my son continues to run up and down the stairs, as he finds more sustenance for the personal famine he is experiencing.

I work in the tourism industry. An industry that has been pummeled by the COVID19 outbreak. I am not even certain I will have a job next week. But all the while I sigh as I hear the wheels on the inner workings of my little family keep going.

I guess I should be glad that even though the world is changing by the minute outside my front door, my family is still intact, and we are all healthy. I am still a good single working mom taking care of my people and the ever-present responsibilities that go with it all. We really are amazing women!

Stay well, everyone. We have a job to do.

The post How Are We Single Moms Coping With COVID19? appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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Record conversations with attorneys, judges, forensic evaluators, psychologists, and other appointees of the family court

To expose misconduct in family courts, we encourage members to record conversations with attorneys, judges, forensic evaluators, psychologists, and other appointees of the family court. Apps downloadable on your phone like Voice Recorder are good for this. We also remind you of the actual laws in place, which differ from state to state, as shown here. 

Texas is a one-party state meaning that only one party (you) must consent to the recording of conversations.  

 

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Deaf man said Texas judge spoke at him without interpreter; asked son to interpret

Deaf man said Texas judge spoke at him without interpreter; asked son to interpret

Deaf man said Texas judge spoke at him without interpreter; asked son to interpret

Deaf man said Texas judge spoke at him without interpreter; asked son to interpret

Posted by The Daily Moth on Tuesday, April 16, 2019

Patrick Cassidy, a Deaf man from Marble Falls, Texas, said Burnet County (TX) Judge Linda Bayless ordered him to stand before her in a courtroom, spoke to him without an interpreter, and told him that she knew he could read her lips.

There was an ASL interpreter in the courtroom, but she informed the judge that she couldn’t interpret in a hearing because she was assigned to interpret only in a “side conversation,” in a private negotiation.

Patrick Cassidy: I went to court on March 20th. It was actually supposed to be simple, it is called a “final order,” meaning we’re wrapping it up. It is for custody.

After the negotiation part is finished, the process was supposed to be turned over to the judge who gives final approval, then it’d be done.

But…when we sat waiting in the back room, what happened was that the interpreter, the judge and two other people started to argue while I was sitting in the back with my son sitting next to me, he’s 20 years old.

My son told me that they’re arguing and arguing about something. I had no idea.

Alex: He said the other party, a Deaf person, had a hearing attorney representing her.

The court provided an ASL interpreter from Austin-based agency “Communication by Hand” to assist in the negotiations between the two parties and a representative from the Texas Attorney General’s office.

Cassidy said the negotiations was supposed to happen in a side room or a table, with Judge Bayless approving it at the end. That was the expectation.

But there was some kind of complication that prompted Judge Bayless to speak out while she was seated on her bench.

The interpreter declined to interpret for the judge or for any communication on the court floor (outside of a side room) because it was beyond the scope of her interpreting assignment and would breach her code of ethics.

Patrick Cassdiy: I just sat there and then all of sudden, the judge up in the front, 30 feet away, all of sudden the judge called me. I didn’t get it right away.

We just sat there then my son told me that the judge wanted me to go up there.

I was a little confused and said, “OK”, then I walked up to the front of the judge. The interpreter just stood there over there on the left.

The judge asked me if I could read lips.

I was confused, said nothing and gestured that I have an interpreter right there.

Then the judge started speaking to me saying, “I know you can read lips.”

I was taken aback and looked around. All these people there were just quiet. I just gestured that I didn’t understand.

Then next thing the judge said was if I wanted to go to trial and pointed at a chair on my right. Trial!

I was confused and there were words I missed out on.

I did look back to my son to show him that I was confused.

Then the judge summoned my son, ordered him, to immediately come up here now. He walked up and stood to my right.

I looked at him then I ended up missing even more of what the judge was saying.

Basically my understanding was the judge scolded at my son saying his father could read lips. Your father hasn’t been paying child support. The judge dragged my son into this situation.

I was taken aback and very confused.

Alex: Cassidy said he could barely understand the discussions and only fully knew what was discussed several weeks, three weeks later, when he got the court reporter’s record, a transcript, which he had to pay $78 for. He provided “The Daily Moth” with it.

(Image of transcript)

“REPORTER’S RECORD CAUSE NO. 43963, IN THE INTEREST OF PHILLIP (redacted) CASSIDY AND (redacted) IN THE COUNTY COURT AT LAW, BURNET COUNTY, TEXAS

THE COURT: I haven’t even called the case yet. I haven’t called the case. So I just need to know — you can read lips, correct? Can you read lips? Do you read lips?

Alex: The transcript showed that Cassidy used his voice to speak, but that the judge talked about his case towards his son.

(Image of transcript)

THE COURT: Phillip. And you —

MR. BAKER: This is the oldest child.

THE COURT: And you — you do sign language and —

PHILLIP CASSIDY: I’m not completely fluent but enough to —

THE COURT: Okay. This is our problem, Phillip. Our interpreter has informed us that she can’t interpret for a meeting or a conversation —

(Another image of transcript)

Why don’t you tell him that.

PHILLIP CASSIDY: So there’s —

THE COURT: Stop. Tell him what I just said.

PHILLIP CASSIDY: He thought today was the final order thing.

THE COURT: Was the what?

PHILLIP CASSIDY: The final order thing.

Patrick Cassidy: it seemed like it was becoming personal like I was wasting the judge’s time. She… I felt conflicted because I tried, I needed clear and effective communication in what was a legal setting. I need it. I felt like I was being oppressed and diminished. I felt a bit oppressed because I missed a lot! I mean…every hearing person in the room knew exactly what was going on. I had no idea. My feeling is why did the judge act that way with me because I don’t know.

Alex: “The Daily Moth” reached out to the court and Judge Bayless for comment. They declined to comment because the case is pending.

The CEO of Communication by Hand, Delia Mott Merritt, told “The Daily Moth” that interpreting in court or other legal situations is very different than almost all other interpreting work.

She explained that a courtroom interpreter cannot interpret for both “proceedings” and “table” scenarios. It has to be one or the other. She said this was to avoid conflict of interest and to maintain neutrality.

In the transcript, you can see that Judge Bayless was angry at the Communication by Hand interpreter, saying it was “crazy” and that she would not be using them again.


[Clip of Transcript]

THE INTERPRETER: Your Honor, if you want me to interpret for them, I can, but then I cannot do any of the proceedings on the record. I can’t do both.

THE COURT: That’s just crazy. What’s the point of us having you here? It’s — like I said, it’s worthless. Mark their name off the list. We will not call this company again. Okay?

Alex: “The Daily Moth” asked Merritt what she thought of this comment. Here is her response.

“This court has a history of being insensitive to the communication needs of our Deaf community, as well as, ignorant to the rules regarding interpreters in proceedings and other hearings. Despite our sending this court documents listing court interpreter rules, protocol and the laws regarding effective communication in the courtroom, they have made no positive changes to ensure all Deaf parties involved are provided with equal communication in their courtroom. We stand ready to serve them anytime they need court certified interpreters. They need only contact our office.” — Delia Mott Merritt

Alex: Thank you for your comment, Merritt.

Cassidy has filed a complaint with the Commission on Judicial Conduct and reached out to the NAD and Disability Rights Texas to assist him.

Cassidy said his case is not resolved. He has a court date this week with the same judge on the same case.

Judge Bayless is the same judge who, two years ago, threatened to jail a hearing attorney who is fluent in ASL, Amber Farrelly over issues with interpreting scheduling and costs. “The Daily Moth” did go there two years ago and did an interview with Farrelly. So it’s the same judge in those two situations.

Judge Bayless: www.burnetcountytexas.org/page/cal.home

TDM Interview with Amber Farrelly (2016): www.youtube.com/watch?v=SkqPrjECefg

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