Have you caught yourself wondering if the narcissist is missing you after the relationship is finally over?
Have you found yourself questioning whether they think of you when they’re alone or even when they’re with someone else?
I was once stuck thinking these troubling thoughts until I came to some serious realizations about what was really going on. I understood the truth about what the narcissist was REALLY missing – and what he REALLY wanted from me was not at all what I thought.
I know so many of you in this community also struggle with this, so this Thriver TV episode is all about putting these confusing feelings into perspective. Knowing the deeper truth of what is at play can be the beginning of your personal healing.
Watch the video now to find out how to put these unsettling thoughts to rest and move on with peace of mind.
Today, I want to explore this question that I know may be in your heart. Is the narcissist missing you? Are you the one that they felt got away? Do they think of you when they’re alone or even when they’re with another person?
I truly hope that the answers that I give you to these questions can help you heal today, get perspective, and will empower you.
There Are Times The Narcissist Will Be Missing You
Now, before I jump into the meat of today’s video, let me say to you, yes, there are times that the narcissist will be missing you. I want to focus on how much you gave and what resources you had to offer, which I promise you did not go unnoticed by the narcissist.
I know so many of you in this community, I know your hearts. I’ve met you in my healing programs, by email, on my blog, as clients, and even in person.
Some of you are now my dear personal friends and work colleagues. You are the nicest people I’ve ever met, and I’m not just saying this. You are kindhearted, caring, loving, and resilient. You put yourself out for people. You don’t give up. You have hearts as big as lions, and you will do whatever it takes to hold things together. You’re a rare breed.
Truly, it’s people like you who represent what it is to express humanity to others. You are beyond responsible and you wouldn’t be on my channel, listening to my material, if this wasn’t the case. You want to learn and grow. You want to make a difference. You want to take personal responsibility. And you are not a fair weather friend. You hang in there on other people’s behalf and you go over and beyond the call of duty.
Narcissists Don’t Always Come Across People Like You
Narcissists don’t always come across people like you every day. Narcissists don’t always get the perfect hit with those that they’re targeting. They can end up with less capable and no way near as resilient people. People who don’t go the extra mile with love, service, years of devotion, and who do not have the ability in resourcefulness to clean up the narcissist’s messes, or the desire to care for the narcissist to hold things together.
When the narcissistic disasters strike, narcissists turn these other people over. They leave them, they replace them, but nearly all of you were different. You had much more to give and you had more to offer. The narcissist, like a nasty, naughty child was saying to you, “No matter what I do to you, just love me,” and you did. You gave it everything you had and then more and more and more and more.
So, here it is. Yes, the narcissist misses what you gave and enjoyed and how much you kept giving and giving. But, is this missing you about loving you? The narcissist is sitting there thinking of you absolutely at the times when they’ve not been able to replace you with as good a quality narcissistic supply.
Sadly, and this is always going to be the narcissist’s plight, this isn’t about love for another human being as we would understand it. Because a narcissist doesn’t see people as flesh and blood, autonomous human beings. The real reason they can’t is because they’ve divorced themselves from their own humanity, from their own Inner Being and beingness. They created a False Self in its place, a fictitious character that the narcissist would like to be. This character is not based in reality, and it needs constant propping up and feeding to maintain itself. This False Self is insatiable. It’s a black hole, a bottomless pit. It can never be adequately appeased.
Yes, you weren’t enough to feed this False Self because nobody is and nobody ever will be. Narcissists empty out, blow up, and destroy everything and everyone that gets close to them, but you gave so much. The narcissist is missing what you gave, how you stayed, and how you gave even more.
How The Narcissist Took Advantage Of You
I know that this is hard to hear, (as it was for me to face) that these truths are so real as well. How we were so trusting, loving, and forgiving, and we were good people and we didn’t even fathom that people could be the way a narcissist is. That it allowed the narcissist to take advantage of you and mine and exploit you even after they had done terrible things and you reconnected and forgave unforgivable behaviour constantly, which allowed it to keep happening again.
The more that you tried to help the narcissist grow up and be a decent human being who would do the right things by themselves, you, and others, the more the narcissist could keep relying on you to do all of the heavy lifting for them, keep things together, clean up the messes, while they continued being a narcissist, taking advantage of you and pillaging and parasiting your Life Force and your resources.
Absolutely, he or she misses this. How you stayed connected, granted attention, kept things afloat, and hung around. But, please know this is not about loving you. It’s about loving what he or she could get from you.
What Does The Narcissist Really Miss About You?
So now let’s just take a deep breath and let’s put this all into perspective. Where do we go to from here? Please know, absolutely, the narcissist is not just waltzing into the sunset without a second thought about you, but the way they are missing you is not the way you or I want to be missed.
A narcissist just doesn’t have the capacity to love and miss you the way you and I do. As painful as it is, this doesn’t mean that you’re unlovable or unworthy of love. Rather, it means that the narcissist was never capable of seeing you as a person to love. They pretended this and they do this with everybody.
They only miss how you used to feed their False Self, their significance, and knowing this can be the beginning of your healing, because that person who you want to miss you for all the right reasons simply does not exist. They never did. We can’t get a cat to lay an egg. We can’t get a crocodile to roll over while we scratch its tummy. It’s just not possible.
I know, just like myself, there is no way that you want to live a life of being exploited, fed upon, and emptied out. You don’t want to be the host for a parasite. It really is quite frankly repulsive when you understand the truth of this. I promise you, the same siphoning out happens for every future person that gets up close and personal with this narcissist – whoever the narcissist targets and draws into their web. Maybe this person will give as much as you, or they won’t.
Whoever the narcissist misses is going to end up burnt and leaving, or eventually discarded, just like it happened to you. This is nothing to ever envy, because this is not a loving compliment to anybody in the future with this person, just as it’s not to you.
Love can be true, genuine, and it can be the real deal. There are lots of people, there really are, like you who are caring and honest. But for all of us, we have to heal up to know the difference between those who are and who aren’t, and to turn our fierce devotion that we had for others inwards to ourselves That way we can develop enough to question things that feel off, speak up, lay boundaries, and leave those who are unsupportive, invalidating, self-centered, exploitative, abusive, and also refuse to take responsibility for their lives.
We have so much to give, but we were naive. We believed that everybody was as honest and good natured as we were. We trusted way too easily. We ignored our gut feelings and we kept giving until it hurt, and even until it virtually destroyed us. Narcissists loved that. They loved that. Not us, because it just wasn’t possible for them to love us. Not because of us, because of them.
It was never going to be our offering of ourselves up to them that was going to get them to love us. It wouldn’t have mattered what we did or we didn’t do, or the thousand different shapes of a pretzel that you would turn yourself into. They were never going to healthily love us.
What this really has been about is that coming home to loving and caring about ourselves and then creating real love in the future with real and available others from that inner space.
I was able to heal up to that level of empowerment and I love helping other people who’ve been abused by narcissists to get there as well. If you know it’s time for you to let go of missing the narcissist – the person who is more than likely missing you for all the wrong reasons – then I’d love to help you.
To get that help, click on this link to the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program (NARP), which is my 10-step healing program. Gosh, I hope this has made sense, and I hope it’s given you peace today. Please share this video or transcript with anyone who needs to hear this message.