If you are new to my work, I want you to know from my heart to yours that my greatest mission is not just to deliver information to you about who narcissists are and what they do to you, but how you can HEAL from narcissistic abuse.
This often requires suspending everything that you thought previously about trying to heal from abuse.
Unfortunately, a sad truth about our modern-day civilisation is that often only symptoms are treated, with the true cause left untreated. This means staying sick and reliant on treatments rather than being healed beyond the need for them.
This happens all the time in narcissistic abuse recovery circles.
A great deal of our programming is that we can’t really heal, because we are just too broken from what happened to us, and we are powerless to experience anything other than drawn out suffering.
It’s … just … not … true.
And today, I’m going to explain to you why.
Let’s get going with the 5 myths about recovering from narcissistic abuse, and what the 5 truths really are instead.
Myth Number 1 – Researching Narcissists Heals You From Narcissistic Abuse
Imagine this – you are crossing a road and you get hit by a car. You are broken and bleeding; in serious trouble. The person with you leaves you in this state and goes after the driver. They don’t pick you up, call an ambulance or put their energy and attention into getting you help for your wounds.
Then, after they discover who the driver of the car was, they research them. What kind of psychopath runs people down and then takes off? What mindset did they have that they didn’t stop the car, turn around, come back, or maybe after five miles call the police and turn themselves in?
Meanwhile you are dying on the road.
Can you see how ridiculous this is?
How on earth have we as a human species became so deluded into thinking that, by researching everything about someone, talking about them constantly and joining abuse forums where we discuss “them”, with no focus on the actual healing of our internal wounds, we are going to heal?
Just because you don’t have visible bleeding or gashing wounds that are “life-threatening” does not mean that you don’t have intense internal trauma that is generating C-PTSD, severe anxiety and depression, as well as nervous system, emotional and mental disregulations which may have already become serious physical disorders.
Pema Chodron nailed it with this famous quote, “If someone comes along and shoots and arrow into your heart, it’s fruitless to stand there and yell at the person. It would be much better to turn your attention to the fact that there’s an arrow in your heart.”
Your ability to “live” and be “alive” has been seriously compromised.
You need help, you need to heal.
You CAN heal. But it’s never going to happen through focusing on the narcissist, it can only happen by turning inwards to focus on healing yourself.
I discovered this profoundly, as did so many of our wonderful community members – no amount of learning about narcissists healed us. It was only when we stopped doing this and put at least 90% of our focus into the actual healing of ourselves that we started to get well.
Module 1 of my Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program (NARP) starts this process immediately. Very quickly it is akin to you being taken by ambulance to the emergency department for fast action to start healing the significant trauma that you have sustained.
When you start doing this – you will understand exactly why.
Myth Number 2 – Information About Narcissists Will Protect You From Them In The Future
Now, imagine this scene. There are two soldiers standing side by side in a war battle. One has diligently and persistently done all the research he can on the enemy, and what he needs to do to survive this battle. Yet he is terrified, traumatised and in total fear of dying.
The other soldier, has a completely different feeling inside him. He feels empowered, ready, solid and calm on the inside. He feels connected to his intuition and trusts himself and his reactions, no matter what unfolds.
Who do you think is likely to survive this battle?
Certainly not the traumatised, fearful soldier. He doesn’t trust himself; he has cortisol and adrenalin pumping which makes his intuition – his internal GPS (God Protection System) non-existent. He is emotionally derailed and therefore ineffective in this battle.
Ask any soldier you have ever known, which of his team members were the most likely to perish. The answer will be those who lost emotional control.
Now let me explain to you a Law in The Universe that is as powerful as gravity. I have spoken about it many times, yet many people may not understand the true impact of it – it is Quantum Law – which is so within, so without.
It means this: whatever is going on inside of you is what you are going to experience outside of you.
Because this is what YOU are generating for yourself.
There is NO escaping this. No amount of “doing” can compensate for a defunct Inner Being.
The fearful soldier is going to experience what he fears – losing his life, despite every precaution he tried to take.
Likewise, the person still suffering from their unhealed internal traumas regarding narcissists keeps being narcissistically abused by others – the very thing they fear. The existing narcissists in their life keep it up, and more narcissists come towards them.
I have seen it time and time again, people who are the greatest “experts” on narcissists that you could ever imagine (who know everything there is to know about them) are the ones who keep experiencing them over and over again.
Information is not healing. In fact, the more information you have, without actual inner healing, brings more information about what to fear, without accessing healing.
Whereas true healing regardless of the level of information accessed brings exactly the inner stance of the solid and calm solder in a combat zone.
What is this inner stance? This …
“I am NOT in fear. I am not triggered. I am solid in my body, and I back myself. I know who I AM. I am NOT a small defenceless human at the whim of others. I am in MY Truth and Power.”
After narcissistic abuse, all of us (and arguably even way before narcissistic abuse as a result of our childhoods) were NOT in this state. After narcissistic abuse, to be safe in our bodies and safe in life (where narcissists dwell) we need to be.
How do we get there? By healing ourselves. By doing the right inner work to get there.
Many people will tell you that is not possible after narcissistic abuse.
Again … this … is … NOT … true!
Myself and thousands of others, as a result of applying Quantum Law – so within, so without – knew we needed to turn inwards to release our traumas and triggers, to come home to our peace, solidness, power and calm on the inside.
Then everything changed. For the first time in our life, we became the solid, calm, empowered soldier in the battlefield of life, and could navigate it not just unscathed, but incredibly joyfully, powerfully and inspirationally, no matter who we came up against.
Every Module in the 10-step process of NARP, takes you personally through the exact journey we went on to get there.
Myth Number 3 –Time Heals All Wounds
What is time? Why doesn’t the same ”healing-time” apply to everyone?
I have met people 40 years onwards who are still completely sick, traumatised and medicated as a result of narcissistic abuse. The narcissist still lives inside their mind and Inner Being like a parasitical virus every day – even though they have had no contact with this person for decades.
I have also seen people who after a mind-bending discard and replacement the previous week, which left them suicidal (after decades of marriage and children) start recovering exponentially within mere weeks.
I’ve also seen everything in between, and I can assure you that time or the intensity of the trauma or the circumstances of the trauma have absolutely nothing to do with how long it takes to heal.
Every time I hear people say, “My therapist told me it will take years of therapy to rebuild my life again” I think to myself, “Well that’s a crap ton of money that will be spent with very little result at the end of it.”
(I’m sorry to be blunt but there it is, because I have had thousands of these people arrive in this community who are not healed after decades of cognitive therapies.)
Time is not the healer of deep traumatic wounds. This is because the very fabric of your Inner Identity was damaged.
This is not just some loss to grieve.
You lost the pillars of what you thought it was to be human – your inner compositions of love, approval, security and survival, and as a result you feel completely traumatised in your body and in the world.
Now you can’t trust life and others and you certainly don’t trust yourself. Your mind is clambering to try to put the pieces together and give you some solace, yet your mind only has the operational bandwidth within the trauma and you just can’t think your way out of it. (More about this soon.)
Yes, time can heal less impactful things, because you simply stop thinking about them. You stop thinking about them because “other aspects of life” step in and take over. There is no “room” for “other aspects of life” to step in when your Inner Identity is so clogged up with narcissistic abuse trauma, and you have no “self inner structure” to go forth with.
There is no “mere time” that heals narcissistic abuse. What heals narcissistic abuse is inner healing specifically for narcissistic abuse. How long it takes depends on how long it takes for people to turn inwards and dedicate themselves to this inner healing.
Thank goodness, there is the way to do this now. Before NARP, back in the day when I was clambering for the solution, there wasn’t. Humbly, through my own Soul-searching and intense desire I was able to formulate it and bring it to the world.
I’m not saying there are no other ways. I’m sure there are, but it has to be Quantum inner work that releases the trauma. It has to be deeply specific somatic, inner identity, subconscious reprograming work.
Myth Number 4 – You Can Stop Obsessive Thinking With More Thinking
Have you known someone who goes on and on and on about the same thing that happened to them, over and over and over but yet they never change their victimisation about it?
I think we all do.
Why is this the case? Why doesn’t them sharing and talking about it incessantly shift them out of this state?
Something hurt them – that is clear.
They are obsessing about it – that is clear.
Now let’s embrace this clearly – because it’s true – this thing that hurt them is NOT getting released from their energy field by them continually going on about it.
This is not a rare occurrence. The same applies for everyone.
Now apply the same truth to yourself because after narcissistic abuse we all become this person.
We obsess. We talk constantly about it to people to the point where they start pulling away. It’s incredibly toxic listening to someone be a victim who can’t stop being a victim. They may just tell us to forget it, get over it or let it go. We hope by thinking and talking about it constantly that we might be able to let it go.
But it doesn’t work.
We hate how unsupportive these people are and how they can’t understand. We don’t realise victims take hostages and it’s totally unpleasant to be around us. And – it doesn’t matter what they say – because nothing they say and do can help us anyway!
So, we go to a therapist and find ourselves repeating the same story over and over and over again with them. We talk about the betrayals we can’t shake off. The disgust over what we put ourselves through; the shock that they didn’t really care for and love us and everything else that goes with narcissistic abuse.
But … if we are really honest with ourselves, we know we are not shifting out of this. We are stuck. We are still sick.
Then we may get on abuse forums and seek out other victims and we talk and share war stories. We may get some initial relief in that moment, yet the same scenes keep coming up in our mind. Then, again, for the thousandth time, we fully indulge in the same thoughts over and over and over trying to get some sort of closure and relief, but it just is not coming.
If anything, we find ourselves waking up even more frequently in the night thinking about “what hurts.” Maybe we can’t stop researching narcissists, or going onto the narcissist’s social media profiles, checking out all the people on their friends list.
Maybe we stay in contact with others questioning them all the time about the narcissist’s life – in despair about the narcissist’s awesome life whilst we can barely get out from under the covers or make a cup of tea.
Despite how sick this makes us we just can’t stop doing it.
If we are really honest with ourselves, this desire to try to think and talk our way out of this is feeding into even greater anxiety, powerlessness and even a toxic dangerous addiction that is sucking our very Life Force from us.
It’s also making anyone who could be healthy in our life become alienated from us.
In fact, this obsessional loop becomes so deadly that people try to self-medicate the “out of control thinking” away with food, drugs, alcohol, and even continually breaking No Contact and going back to the abuser.
All of which just brings more damage, and stress and lower self-worth, self-love, self-respect and self-esteem – destroying us further.
This happens to virtually everyone who has suffered narcissistic abuse, because of this insane myth that is taught, despite the OBVIOUS evidence in contrast – more thinking cures obsessional thinking.
Rather, what this is doing is cementing your Inner Being into the identity of continual trauma, victimisation and being powerless to the abuse you suffered.
Please get this clear – thinking, talking and researching doesn’t heal you and now I hope you understand why. Look at your experience and that of others who you know are also stuck in this deadly loop (these people are everywhere).
Let’s also get clear on the definition of insanity – which is doing the same thing over and over and hoping for a different result. If you want to change, you have to change. You have to be willing to try something completely different. You have to change what you are doing, if you want to heal.
I know when I was in the bowels of hell with narcissistic abuse, I was willing to crawl across a paddock of broken glass if I thought there was a solution at the other side.
Or, I would have banged two fishes over my head if I thought it would help. I tried pretty much everything and anything I could get my hands on to heal – until I discovered that it was only the deep Quantum methods – the ability to bypass the brain, go within and work directly on the dense emotional trauma in my Inner Being that gave fast, direct, powerful and REAL relief.
This was no longer attempts to try to manage symptoms, but direct healing at the root of where the damage really was – within my Inner Being.
Myth Number 5 – After Narcissistic Abuse You Can Never Trust again
I really want to boot this myth right out of the ballpark, and I hope that my explanation can help you realise why.
Our entire problem with trust is this – we have no ability or necessity to trust others unless we fall into dependencies, such as – I NEED you for love, approval, security or survival.
As children we were co-dependent. We had no ability to be self-generative. The whole issue with being betrayed by other people is because we were not able to stand solid, back ourselves, lay boundaries and be empowered to pull away and look after ourselves when we saw the warning signs – and even after abuse took place.
To help demonstrate to you what I mean by all of this – let me share the following versions of myself with you.
Old Melanie – “You are saying all the right things and I think you would be awesome in my life. Yes, I trust you.”
New Melanie – “People take time to ascertain. Words mean nothing. Actions and character do. I’ll take my time to get to know you before I gamble my Soul, body, heart and finances on you.”
Old Melanie – “My gut is squirming that there is something not right here. But I sooo want it to be right! I’ll dismiss my intuition and convince myself that all is okay.”
New Melanie – “My intuition is going off. I’m going to have the difficult conversations, ask questions and confront this, and I am TOTALLY able to accept whatever the truth is that comes from this.”
Old Melanie – “You are giving me some piecemeal answer to appease me. It still feels like garbage in my body, but I’ll accept it, because I need you to be in my life.”
New Melanie – “You are not convincing my Inner Being that you are taking responsibility and are a safe person to stay connected with. I’m choosing me and standing in my boundary and truth.”
Old Melanie – “You are doing things to me that are unloving, cruel and traumatising. I’m going to cling to you and try to change who you are and what you are doing so that I can feel safe and loved.”
New Melanie – “This is what I will and won’t accept, and I love myself enough to pull away until you can be decent, otherwise we are finished. I know I don’t need you to be any certain way for me to generate my own great life”
Old Melanie – “If I lose you I can’t survive.”
New Melanie – “I would rather lose ANYONE than ever lose myself again.”
Old Melanie – “You are responsible for my own levels of love, approval, security and survival.”
New Melanie “I am responsible for my own levels of love, approval, security and survival – including my choices and participations with other healthy, whole adults.”
Okay – feel into these statements.
What parts of these have anything to do with who you can and can’t trust?
Let’s go back to Quantum Law – so within, so without.
Who you are Being, meaning who and what you choose, who and what you participate with, who and what you confront, and who and what you release as “not my truth” is EXACTLY what creates your safety.
This is what I had to embrace – just as you need to …
Trust is NOT about pinning my hopes (like a powerless child) on someone else to look after me, have integrity and do the right thing. And, quite frankly, it is NOT Their job – it’s my own job for myself.
Putting yourself in a situation of dependency equals handing power away, it means being susceptible to being controlled. It means being susceptible to being abused. It means feeling powerless, small and defenceless (like a child) and that is the ONLY issue with suffering trust issues.
Previous to my Quantum Thriver Recovery from narcissistic abuse, no one had explained this to me. I had NO idea this is how life really works.
Like so many of us, I used to be in life trying to work out all the other eight billion people regarding “can I trust you?” until I took my Soul, life and power back realising I ONLY had to self-partner with, heal, develop and trust the ONE person that I had any power or influence with – myself!
Since this life-changing pivot in my life, I have shifted from past continual experiences of persecution, being ripped off and betrayed and traumatised … into healthy, happy and whole relationships – because I stand up to and confront and lay boundaries against the potentially bad ones.
I am also way past feeling needy and able to be tricked into handing away my personal rights, freedoms and “stuff” on a whim because someone is scaring me into believing I “need” them, or love bombing me into some chemical emotional rashness.
So, let’s go back to the ordinal false myth, “You will never trust anyone again.”
The correct answer to this is you won’t – you are not MEANT to. Rather, you are here to anchor into trusting yourself and being the adult (not childlike) force generating in your life healthy connections with people who are healthy.
You do this from integrity and your own healthy self-love and self-respect.
It takes (here it is again) inner work.
Does this speak to your personal experience? If so, I hope that this – point blank – helps you see why you are not healing.
The truth will set you free, because it keeps you from continuing to travel towards Wrong Town and turns you in the right direction. I am passionate about giving you the clear truth, because I know this can save your Life Force and maybe even life.
If you have had enough of the pain, and spinning your wheels in it, then come and join myself and other global Thrivers in Quantum Recovery with NARP.
As always, I look forward to your comments and questions below.