I’m sure you will have noticed how when narcissists are miserable, then their nearest and dearest have to be punished – and this goes double for holiday time.
Whether they are disrupting preparations, creating arguments and drama, giving you the silent treatment, or discarding you and going missing at crucial times, everything they do at this time of year is designed to hurt and punish you. All too often, this doesn’t only affect you, but spills over to upset your loved ones and taint everybody’s celebrations.
Why do the holidays make narcissists so miserable? And what can you do to prevent them from spoiling yet another festive season?
In today’s Thriver TV episode I cover this in detail – and be sure to stay to the end for exciting news of how to make holiday heartbreak a thing of the past for you!
Welcome dear Thriver to Thriver TV. Today I want to talk about narcissists at holiday time and why they need to punish you.
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Why Narcissists Hate Holiday Time
So why do narcissists punish you, especially at holiday time?
It’s because the narcissist is in Separation Consciousness.
Separation Consciousness is the opposite of Unity Consciousness. Unity Consciousness is the way in which – at the base quantum, sub-atomic level – we’re all interconnected and we’re all one.
“My happiness is your happiness” is an expression of unity consciousness. “I love seeing you happy and it makes me happy that you’re happy because it’s my happiness too”.
A narcissist cannot think like that. A narcissist’s brain wiring doesn’t work like that. Separation Consciousness means “somebody has to win and somebody needs to lose”. It’s not a model of plenty, it’s a model of lack – a lack of resources that means “I have to fight because it’s me versus you to try to get some of the good stuff”.
The good stuff everybody (even a narcissist) wants is inner peace and happiness, but they have a completely warped, inverted way of trying to get it.
If other people are happy, then the narcissist is miserable and intensely triggered, because to them this means “I haven’t got the goodies and you have.”
For them, it’s all about narcissistic supply. Narcissistic supply is attention. In a group setting, a narcissist loves it if they’re the center of attention. In your life, they want to be the center of your universe for good and bad.
They don’t want you to have energy, attention or life force for anyone or anything outside of them. So holiday festive time and group gatherings are a very scary time for them – it is a traumatic time for a narcissist because they know they cannot regulate narcissistic supply.
How are they going to weather the storm of not being the focus of attention and of seeing other people’s happiness? It’s very threatening for them.
In the early days with a narcissist, such as in a romantic relationship, you’re going to be all loved up and you’ll be spoiled and you’ll think, “Oh, I couldn’t have had a better holiday than I had with this person.” But it is short-lived and doesn’t continue on into the future.
It doesn’t matter whether the narcissist is your significant other, a family member, a friend or anyone you see in a group setting – you will see there’s always drama and they’ve got to make it about them.
How The Narcissist Gets Supply At Holiday Time
There are various methods the narcissist will use to get the drama and supply they need.
For starters, you may want this person to help with all the preparations. At the best of times, a narcissist doesn’t cooperate, but they’re even worse at holiday time. They will get your instructions wrong, and it could be argued that they do this on purpose – which I believe they do – as a way of punishing you for focussing on something other than them.
In response to a simple request, they may say things like, “Just because you want it done in your time frame doesn’t mean I have to jump to the beat of your drum.” Which leaves you thinking, “What? I just want this done. What’s the drama?” But this is what they do, so you’re already under pressure.
Perhaps you send the narcissist off with a list and they go missing in action for hours before returning without anything you need – it’s infuriating.
By this time you may be under so much pressure and stress that you get to the point where you think, “Look, I’ll just take responsibility and do this myself. It’s too much hassle involving you.” Then the narcissist will accuse you of staging some kind of coup d’état with friends and family, to try and push them out of proceedings.
Moving on to the special day or event, regardless of who the narcissist is, there’s a few tactics they use. You may already know all about how it feels to be ‘walking on broken glass’ – and if you don’t, you soon will!
Firstly, a narcissist may want to grandstand. They want to be the center of attention, and generally this will be the same stories, acting out, and garbage and waffle, so that everyone around them is thinking, “Oh God, here we go.”
But if the attention comes off the narcissist, then they may really start boiling up inside. They get triggered by feelings of “I’m not superior, they’re not inferior,” or “I’m not the center of attention. Other people are getting the good stuff! They’re getting the life force, they’re getting happiness, and that means that I’m not, I’m suffering.” This is their terrible, lower vibrational Separation Consciousness.
The narcissist will then say and do things to start a fight and trigger people. They’re very good at triangulating and then standing back and making it look like everybody else is fighting.
Or the narcissist may be jibbing you on the quiet where nobody can see – so that eventually you are so triggered that you explode in public. Then they make you out to be the abusive one to get people’s sympathy, empathy and lots of narcissistic supply by smearing you.
Maybe they do the silent treatment – you know, that black dark cloud that a narcissist does. It’s like an ink that permeates every room in the house – you could cut the air with a knife, they’re masters at it.
Perhaps they’re just going to do the disappearing act. This can be them taking themselves off to bed without saying anything – only to really get stuck into you later on when the day is over. Alternatively, they can go MIA so you don’t even know where they are. Maybe they don’t come home for two days, who knows? You may be paranoid (or have well-justified suspicions) about where they have gone, who they are with and what they are up to.
Whatever they do, it will turn the focus back on them because that’s exactly what they’re up to.
If you are their nearest and dearest, you’re going to get punished. A narcissist doesn’t care who they take down when they’re losing narcissistic supply, they really don’t.
Getting narcissistic supply is all they care about – they certainly don’t care about doing the right thing. Their end (supply) justifies their means, which is nasty, it’s horrible, it’s nefarious, it’s not loyal and it’s not nice.
How To Survive A Narcissist At Holiday Time
How are you going to get through this? How do you survive a narcissist at holiday time?
Well, the great news is you can not only survive this, you can also thrive from this.
This all comes back to Separation Consciousness. A narcissist is in Separation Consciousness, which is a big black pit of yuck. What they want to do is get you into that big black pit as well. When you’re triggered, hurting, feel abandoned, or feel the unfairness and the injustice, then you’re in this dark vibrational reality with them, where they can suck your energy dry. That’s what they’re trying to do.
But you can avoid this using these four important steps.
Step 1: Detach
First of all detach because they’re going to try and hook you in and trigger you. Detach, don’t play.
You do that by saying to yourself, “Breathe deep.” Come into your body and say, “You’re not my reality. My reality is my reality.”
Step 2: Dismiss
Stop wanting or expecting anything from this person, because it’s that dependency that hooks you into them.
Your mantra here is, “I have all that I need from all of life. I don’t need it from you.”
Step 3: Dive Inside
This is meeting yourself and self- partnering with yourself.
Breathe and say to your inner being, “Sweetheart, I’m here, we’ve got this. I love you. We’re going to deal with this.”
Step 4: Detox
Get that horrible trauma and feelings out. Just send it off, let it go. Let it go and bring in your light force, your Higher Self, your True Self.
Detox is saying to yourself, “All of this trauma you’re trying to inflict on me, this bad energy, I let it go, I send it to source, I dissolve it back to native nothingness and I claim my life force and truth.”
That’s your four Ds – the simple quick hack to use to come back into your power.
What happens when you do this is that the narcissist becomes like a spoiled little child that everyone’s ignoring, stamping their feet trying to get attention. When you can hold your energy field – as the powerful creator that you are – you can hold it for your children and everybody else. Then the narcissist will be like that little child, banging on the glass going, “Look at me, look at me, look at me, ” while everybody else is just getting on with it.
Then you realize how powerless and pathetic these people are, and you can have an amazing Christmas regardless of what they are or aren’t trying to do.
Healing Holiday Heartbreak
Sometimes this can be easier said than done, and we really need some other tips, techniques and powerful inner shifts to get our energy field out of that dark hole of Separation Consciousness and into a powerful Unity Consciousness, which is your True Self and True Source where narcissists can’t touch you.
Coming up on the 3rd of December 2022, I’m doing a four hour workshop all about this. I’ll be talking about this entire process in depth and showing you how to make that shift from surviving into thriving.
We’re also going to be working through things like:
- Loneliness and how you can turn this into the most powerful growth opportunity of your life
- How to get out of the guilt and obligation at holiday time, so that where you’re feeling a ‘no’ you can say no instead of yes
- The struggle and pain of being replaced with new supply
- How you can detach and stop trying to go along to get love and approval, instead coming home to being that generative source for yourself, so that in future you can walk forward in into beautiful holiday times with loving, supportive, real, genuine people of integrity.
My Triple H: Healing Holiday Heartbreak workshop will have you covered, whether the narcissist is in your life or gone; and whether you’re being hoovered or have been discarded and replaced by new supply. Whatever your situation this is going to help you so much.
But beyond that, anyone who has done my previous workshops will know that you will get so much more out of it than the topic might suggest because this is going to help you with your whole life experience. This is going to help you to self-honour, self-define and self-value. For those of you who want more training on boundaries, self-affirmation and getting out of guilt, obligation and people pleasing, then this is going to be really powerful for you as well.
I cannot tell you how much my life has changed from the holidays I had with narcissistic exes into what I experience, love and live now, and that’s where I want you to be too.
I’ve really loved doing today’s holiday special for you. I’ve been wanting to do a workshop like this for years because we get inundated in MTE Support with people really struggling with the holiday stuff.
This is my early holiday gift to you guys – jump into this workshop! We have limited Zoom capacity on it, so make sure you get your place!
We’ve already got hundreds of people signed up for this, because it is so affordable – you can choose how much to pay, from as little as 3 US dollars. I can’t wait to serve you there.
So remember your four Ds and also remember Triple H: Healing Holiday Heartbreak because you’re not just going to get through this. You’re going to soar. You’re going to absolutely fly and thrive.
I love you all and we’ll talk again soon – but in the meantime, let me know your thoughts below.