There is an important fact we must accept – we can’t control pathological, toxic, and abusive people, who they are and what they do.
No matter how much you learn about them, and share stories and information about them, you can’t change them – and therefore you can’t change how traumatized you feel as a result of them.
Yet, in my heart of hearts I know that when you learn the deeper truths about abuse and painful relationships and how to heal for real from them you CAN break free. You CAN live a new reality that bears no resemblance to the life you once lived even before abuse.
In my most recent Thriver TV episode you will see the truth of why the narcissist came into your life. I’ll explain how to shift your life completely so you’re no longer vibrating at that lower, painful, traumatized frequency, and then you’re going to be better than free… then you can start Thriving. Watch now!
Today, I want to give you the absolute reasons why the narcissist came into your life. These are powerful truths that are going to set you free.
I hope in my heart of hearts that this is going to help you profoundly because being hit by narcissistic abuse and being smashed to pieces can seem like the most senseless, terrible event that you could ever go through. My heart goes out to you if right now, understandably, you can’t make any sense as to why this happened to you.
What we’re going to talk about today is not just some outside information about narcissists. If you already feel powerless, it’s only going to make it worse because you have no power over what happens out there, outside of yourself.
You can’t control pathological, toxic people, who they are and what they do. No matter how much you learn about them and you share stories and information about them, you can’t change them, and therefore you can’t change how traumatized you feel as a result of them.
The only power any of us have in our own life is over ourselves, and specifically for you and for me – inside of you is where that power is. Which is why today I’m going to talk about the reasons inside of you as to why the narcissist came into your life. If this is already triggering you, please know in no way is this about blaming and shaming you.
Let’s just take a deep breath, and I want you to stay open and stay with me because if you do, this is going to give you your power back. It’s going to grant you healing for real because when you heal inside of you beyond the reasons as to why this happened in your life, then you will be free of the symptoms, the victimization, and any attachment to narcissists or toxic people.
You’re no longer vibrating at that lower, painful, traumatized frequency, and you’re going to be better than free, you can start Thriving, which is why today’s Thriver TV episode is powerful. And as a result of it, you may finally come home to yourself.
Everything Happens For A Reason
Let’s have a look at the concept of everything happens for a reason. Do we really live in a random, cruel universe where we’re victims or is there a higher purpose? Are things happening for us rather than just to us?
We all know that bad things happen to good people, and we also know that bad things and events and even abuse are the grist that can turn people’s lives into amazing things. I truly believe in every ounce of my Soul, every part of my Being that narcissistic abuse offers such an opportunity.
But I didn’t always think like this. Once upon a time I thought, “I’m a good person and he’s atrocious. It’s not fair. I hate what’s happening to me.” And I also righteously declared that he should be brought to account for what he’d done to me, and that my life would never be the same if he wasn’t. At this level of consciousness, it was impossible for me to heal. And I nearly died.
I’ve seen people in this community just as entrenched in this victim consciousness as my previous self, and they don’t heal either. The reason is because they’re not open to the reason as to why this happened in our lives, which I’m going to explain to you soon. They’re not willing to open up to look at the bigger picture and work with that information.
Years ago, a woman came into the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program (NARP), and I will never forget what she said. It was this, “My therapist told me what happened to me was just bad luck and it could happen to anyone. I didn’t want to hear that because I knew that then there was nothing that I could change or heal about me if that was the case. And it was such a relief, Melanie, when I heard you say in your body of work that this happened for a reason because I knew if you could give me the reason, I could heal it and then I could escape this living hell.”
She was right. She was open. She received the reasons, she embodied them, she acted on them, and now lives a life free of narcissistic abuse as well as being free of all the symptoms and any fear of narcissists in her life.
Her life, like mine and that of other Thrivers, bears no resemblance to the life we once lived even before narcissistic abuse, let alone the lives that we had in narcissistic abuse. This could be your reality too.
Why Are Narcissists In Our Life?
Now, I need to start at the start here, and I want you to stay with me so that you can get a great grounding into this deeper truth. Quantum Law is as absolute as gravity, and it’s this simple law – so within, so without.
What does that mean? It means whatever the emotional composition of your Inner Self is, will be exactly what you’re going to be attracted to, attractive to, draw in, and participate in, in your life. Really, that means what’s going on inside is what’s going to happen in your everyday life. And this is where New Agey Law of Attraction people get funky and say things like, “Melanie, what? You’re accusing me of being a narcissist, and that’s why they come into my life.”
No, that’s not what I’m saying at all. That’s just completely ridiculous. What I am saying is that your internal, dense, emotional, unhealed energy (which I’m going to explain) and painful beliefs are the match for a narcissist.
I’m going to unpack this and let’s make this as simple as possible. If, as a child, you felt invisible, just as an example, then it’s familiar to you. You naturally gravitate to people who are going to treat you like you’re invisible.
Of course, the narcissist isn’t going to show up in your life as somebody who treats you as invisible. Narcissists are a False Self. They are inversions of the truth. They pretend. They are the exact opposite of who they really are and then spin the blame onto everything and everybody else accusing them of being what the narcissist is.
But I digress. Back to the point. As a child made to feel invisible, it created a traumatic energy, which is a strong e-motion, energy-in-motion inside of you of, “The people I love treat me as if I’m invisible.”
And you may think the fact this hurt you in the past means that you’re going to avoid it in the future, yet the very thing that hurts you and you fear, which is still alive inside of you because it hasn’t been healed yet, is a whopping great YES! It’s not a NO, it’s a YES, calling it forth and into your life.
Again, this is very real, dense energy that is stuck in your energy field inside of you attracting the identical energy to come into your life from outside of you.
This intense energy, which fear and pain is, is the magnet for it. And this is why it is such an insane notion of life that we’ve been taught as humans to think that holding onto painful, negative, internal, traumatic energy keeps you safe from experiencing it again. It doesn’t. In fact, it’s the exact opposite. And it’s the most basic Quantum Law that we are not taught that, if you can understand it, is going to change your healing journey path immediately.
Again, Quantum Law is absolute. And it’s this – so within, so without. When you don’t understand this law and you don’t apply its truth to heal you, then this is why you continue to have relationships with people who treat you like you’re invisible or whatever your pattern is that matches your previous trauma in your life that you’ve already received, which, as a result, has stayed wedged inside of you.
It can be all sorts of things such as, “The people I love replace me, control me, abuse me, leave me, or even annihilate me.” Or it could be fears of authority that you have with bosses, or skirmishes that you’ve had in relation to friendships or family members. It doesn’t have to just be a love partner, it can be any relationship struggle in your life.
So Within, So Without Is Quantum Law
Before the narcissist came into our life, our traumas were already there. It’s Quantum Law, so within, so without. If it showed up in our life, it has to be wedged inside of us in our Inner Being. It’s an absolute law.
I can almost hear some of you say, and understandably, “But Melanie, I was born into a family of narcissists. There was no matching trauma to attract me into this.” Okay, I’m just going to say it – I don’t agree. I firmly believe that we have all had many lifetimes, we are eternal infinite beings, and the traumas that we haven’t healed from previous times come with us in our energy field, lifetime to lifetime, until we do heal them.
Before narcissistic abuse, for all of us, before we realized and woke up that that’s what happened to us, we were living our lives with our traumas, and it was our normal. We thought our struggles were normal and we thought, absolutely, that aspects of life sucked. We battled on probably with really great abilities to get stuff done and to endure disappointments and pain and shock and all sorts of things that we went through.
But in amongst all of it, we still had unconsciously a defunct Inner Beingness, of not really loving and approving of ourselves and taking on all sorts of personas and strategies to get through life with other people who, ironically, were matches for our unhealed traumas and we were trying to survive all of that.
Then the narcissist enters the stage of our life, and we thought this person was the answer to our prayers. They seemed to love us, see us, grant us strength, Life Force, and joy, or bring to the table exactly what we thought was missing such as a business deal or a great friendship or somebody who was going to be a fantastic boss.
They seemed to have the power and the answers and offer the salvation that we were looking for, whatever this area of our life was where we felt that we didn’t have the power and the answers or the love or the approval. That was the act they used to ensnare us.
But what the deeper glue really is was the inner program of, “The people I’ve experienced, in love or whatever area of life (fill in the painful gap) are generating for me this invalidation, this replacement, this abuse,” whatever it is, the painful trauma that we’d already experienced as a pattern in our life.
This was our powerful emotional trajectory that projected out into the field and brought us the exact match. We felt chemical familiarity maybe as strong as a Soul Mate feeling. This person felt so right, like somebody we’d known for eons and were meant to be connected to, perhaps eternally. But that was the powerful match of our Inner Love or Life Code. It was our unmet wounded parts that were screaming this out.
Yet for all of us, there was a wise, infinite mind, our intuition, our internal GPS, which I like to call our God Protection System, trying to warn us, but we didn’t want to listen. We had really “off” gut feelings that something wasn’t right, but we listened to the neediness of our wounded parts, our unhealed parts because we were still internally wounded and we wanted a saviour. We assigned this person as our saviour – who they pretended to be.
And then, as we enmeshed with these people, we started to, piece by piece, discover that this person was not our saviour, they were in fact our destroyer. Once we were hooked and enmeshed, they could relax from the facade, the inversion, and start delivering the truth of their toxic self which needs to take its Life Force from our pain and our trauma.
Narcissists will trigger the exact wounds that we thought we were having saved by them and smash these wounds up again and again and again to the surface, ripping open our latent unconscious traumas so that they are fully met and felt by us in technicolour. And they literally feed off your louche, your pain. The narcissist feeds off it. Your trauma makes them superior, and it makes them feel that they can
Going back to the example of feeling invisible, you thought this person saw you and met you like no other, but now that the truth is unfolding, you now feel more invisible and broken than you ever had before. It’s doubly devastating because you thought, even subconsciously, that here was somebody finally to take away the pain.
At another deep level of your psyche, you’ve again returned to the broken, powerless child who is saying subconsciously, “Mom, dad, please see me. Please do it differently this time.” As a child, yes, you were powerless to make your own way, heal yourself and stop this pattern coming at you in your life. But as an adult now, you can.
Yet you never will until you see the truth of why the narcissist came into your life. If you don’t see this, understand it and act on it, then you may eventually crawl away from this terrible relationship battered, bleeding and traumatized.
Your Three Possibilities
If you have still not healed what is going on inside of you, there are only three possibilities within the Quantum Law of so within, so without.
Number one, you end up alone because you will never risk such trauma again and you stay with your abuse symptoms for the rest of your life because they’re not healed.
Number two, one day you connect with somebody who represents the same trauma again, hoping they’ll take away the pain, which of course they don’t.
Or number three, somebody who does see you and comes into your life and is genuine, you won’t be attracted to because they don’t match your internal program of, “The people I love make me feel invisible,” or whatever your issue is. They’re not a match. You won’t be attracted. You won’t stay with them. You’ll sabotage it.
Now these are the choices that you can stay the victim to, and then you’re going to be in the belief that, “People are terrible, and they don’t care about others and they make me feel invisible.”
It’s going to be your outside-in reality and the inevitable accompanying and painful belief of, “I’m not worth loving and I must be unlovable because people don’t want to see me and love me.” Or you heal all of it within yourself for real. Remember again Quantum Law, so within, so without.
What does that really mean? It means there’s only one place to fix this – within your Inner Identity. Anything else is not going to work. Not durably, not for real because of Quantum Law. This narcissistic abuse situation that has broken you and brought you to your knees is so that you no longer try to fix this out there and so that you come home to the only place left – in there.
I, like so many of us, discovered this. A thousand books read, years of therapy, workshop after workshop, none of it healed me or set me free. I thought I was trying to get free from him, but he was only a representative of what I needed to get free from within myself.
What did work was Quantumly working on reprogramming my Inner Identity and that’s why I humbly have produced and worked out true healing that creates life changes known as Thriving after narcissistic abuse.
Why did the narcissist really come into your life? We’ve already answered it, mostly, but let’s just really drill down on this. Here is the answer, which I hope you now are able to hear – to mirror back to you every unhealed part of yourself in such force and destructiveness that you stopped trying to self-medicate it away with distractions, you stopped accepting how you felt as normal and you stopped looking for outer saviours and finally came home to going within and healing it there yourself. Because you were now on your knees at the point of personal catharsis – you hit rock bottom.
At rock bottom, you are at the point of the turning of the tide where your greatest gold can be mined from intense darkness, where intense pressure and heat gives birth to a diamond and the grist in our shell produces a pearl.
But you have to accept the absolute truth that will set you free, “The narcissist came into my life to awaken me to realize that I am a powerful Quantum creator, meaning the emotional state of my Inner Identity is co-generating my reality. And to change my reality, I have to stop trying to change the outside where I have zero power, and I have to change my inner universe.”
You may not have realized it, as I didn’t either initially, that the absolute devastation of narcissistic abuse was the exact time of turning within because there was nowhere else to go.
What Happens If You Change Your Inner Programs?
Let me give you a snapshot of what will happen if you change your inner programs.
Number one, what will happen is it’s going to bring you home to self-love and self-worth, which you could only experience between you and Source and Creation. It actually can never come from the outside. You can’t get love and approval, you can only BE it and that’s going to change that for you.
Number two, as a result of an inner-standing of your worth and value, you will never, ever again accept a level of people and love and situations that are below the truth of you.
Number three, you can present boundaries to the world, which is who you are, what you will, and what you won’t accept. And you’ll be very clear about that.
Number four, you are no longer going to participate in what you won’t accept because it’s no longer a match for your Inner Identity. It’s like when you become a healthy eater, you’re no longer going to eat candy all day. It would make you sick – this is the same.
Number five, all of your trauma symptoms are going to melt away because that was the old energy field, which no longer exists.
Okay, so now if you’ve realized that the only way out of this, the only true way, the only way that really works is to change your inner program, you may ask, “How do I do that?” It’s a really good question.
Personally, and all of the Thrivers in this community, we did that passage of victim to survivor to Thriver, and we did it by accessing Quantum healing on the inside. This is a meditation process that is able to access our subconscious programs, bypass the chatter and the obsessing in our heads, enabling us to somatically feel and load up trauma to release it, and then open up to bring in the program of our Higher Self.
Now, it may sound like woo-hoo, and years ago I would’ve believed that too, but once you start healing in this way, what happens is, rather than trying to think your way out of the traumas that you’re feeling and trying to change yourself through getting or doing, you are directly changing your being. And then the getting and the doing gets in alignment with that, as does your thinking.
You open up to an infinite mind, to a wisdom which is calm, which is solidness, which is peace, which is good choices so that you don’t keep sabotaging yourself into more trauma and pain. When you start working with it that way, you will wonder how you tried to heal any other way. But what is much better for you, rather than just trying to conceptualize this, is to try it. And that’s what NARP is.
The link to NARP is here and I can’t recommend enough that you really consider what I’ve talked about today. It really does start by accepting the following: Why did the narcissist come in my life? Was there a purpose for this? Was there a higher reason? Was this happening FOR me and not TO me?
Because if you can accept that and open up into that and feel that and follow that, well, then your green pasture is on the other side – it takes work, it takes going within, but there is a direct way out of this.
What we find in this community is that when people accept this and start taking that step into Quantum processes and healing to break through on the other side, within one to three months the pain and the trauma has dramatically diminished. You’ll feel incredible relief.
And your life, within 12 to 18 months, generally for everybody in this community on this path, is literally unrecognizable in the most positive of ways and often rebuilt to levels that they couldn’t even access even before narcissistic abuse happened to them. That’s what true Thriving is.
I hope that today’s episode has made sense, and I really hope that this has really talked to the cells in your body and you can feel the truth of what I’m saying. Remember to share this video and transcript, especially with people who it can help.