Today I want to talk to you about the 6 ways that you can stop handing your power to a narcissist.
Why is this so important?
Because narcissists are powerless to operate against you if you DON’T hand them your power.
Truly this is for real – and I hope that today is going to allow you to deeply feel why this is the truth.
I want to have this POWER-FULL conversation with you. One full of truths. One that will set you free from narcissists forever.
This may not be an easy conversation, but it really is the only one to have if you want to get to the bottom of this and take your power back once and for all.
Are you courageous enough to do this?
I believe you are. I believe we all are. That is why we are here together!
The Myth About Who Narcissists Target
People will tell you that narcissists go after people’s power and that they thrive on the conquest of overpowering others.
This is a front.
It’s simply not the truth.
Narcissistic are opportunistic. Like thieves, predators and all parasitical entities, narcissists go for easy pickings. I know this may be a hard pill to swallow, but it is essential that you realise the fundamental truths about the entire narcissistic thing that will change everything for you, just as it did for me.
Yes, narcissists “go for” good, capable people who keep the fires burning, are resourceful, kind, giving and have a lot to offer – absolutely. But this is not “power”.
It’s “achievement”. It’s also “responsibility” and “integrity”. But it is NOT “power.”
I know that, like myself, you have probably been the person who is capable, diligent, hardworking and who does right thing. These are all wonderful qualities.
But let’s look at the flip side of this, which is what narcissists are very skilled at looking out for.
Breathe deeply and let’s humbly take this honest dive together!
You probably engage in over-responsibility. Rather than risk laying boundaries, saying “No” and refusing to enable irresponsible people (so that they must to learn, grow up and take care of themselves), you likely jump in to fix everything for them.
Maybe you have been a people-pleaser. Easily guilted. Feel wrong if you are not granting other people what they want. You may even feel horrified if people think you don’t care about them, are demanding too much for yourself, or heaven forbid are living your life aligned with your own values and truths!
If this is the case, you are the person with plenty to give – which means there is a great harvest from you for the narcissist to “get”. You are a person who struggles to lay boundaries, and also believes you need to earn love and approval – you are “wrong” or “bad” if you take certain stands for yourself.
You may even have a terror of being criticised, rejected, abandoned, or punished by others if you are not the “good person”.
You deeply desire connection and to be loved and approved of. But have you truly loved and approved of yourself and your truths – meaning your real definition, and the creation of your True Life – rather than attempting to “give to get”?
This is such a fundamental question!
These are not powerful strengths, these are gaps that the narcissist can infiltrate and exploit, to mine everything about you, no matter how capable you are.
Capacity is not power. Self-definition is.
Let’s explore this, starting with the first way that you can stop handing your power away to a narcissist.
Listen To Your Inner Comfort Levels
Capable people who have lots to give (and to be exploited) are usually very attuned to other people’s needs but desperately out of touch with their own.
Self-sacrifice, working hard and even martyrdom may be medals of honour that we unconsciously wear as badges. And really this is like a human experiment of “look how capable I am and what I am capable of!”
What on earth is this about?
In many ways this can be about us trying to finally earn love. We hope that if other people think we are incredible and worthy of their love, that they may one day give us the appreciation and acknowledgement that will allow us to feel worthy of existing and of being loved by others.
I promise you that this is something I still have to regularly check in about with myself. It’s always a work in progress! I know if I keep putting my hand up to be super-woman then more and more is expected from me – even from non-narcissistic people! I also know that this willingness to do everything I could to show my allegiance to another – or maybe even a superiority of “look at what I am capable of!” – was a perfect recipe for narcissists to continue to mine me for their own benefit.
The truth was that I had no inner connection with my own levels of self-care and self-respect. I was chasing love and approval, so I continually said “Yes” when my Inner Being was screaming “No”. “No” because something felt “off”, or I was exhausted and almost stretched beyond breaking point.
Now I listen to my Inner Being. If I feel “No”, then I say “No” and I don’t justify, feel guilty or over-explain. I know how important it is to train people to respect me, and to love and connect to me better. I no longer set myself up as a doormat.
Here were the primary healing shifts that I needed to do with the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program (NARP) to take back my power on connecting with my inner comfort levels:
- Module 6: to release my guilt about NOT taking responsibility for others
- Source Healing and Resolution Module: to release my traumas generating my need to prove myself to others in order to be loved.
I realise this now – when I accept that I deserve to care about myself, other people “get it” and care about me too.
I also easily flush out narcissists who have no capacity other than to see me as a potential person to mine. They know they can’t pull it off with me.
Now let’s look at the second way to stop handing your power to narcissists.
Get Comfortable With Not Being Approved Of
It is absolutely ridiculous to believe that you are going to keep everyone happy. You can’t and won’t and if you try to, then you will only make yourself crazy.
As people pleasers, we hate conflict. We feel like we have failed, are bad and are not good people unless everyone likes us. This is complete Wrong Town hogwash!
Right here, right now – exactly as I did myself – I want to grant you permission to piss people off. If you don’t, you will continually be handing away your power to others by trying to be everything that they want you to be to make them happy, whilst making yourself miserable.
And here’s the kicker: they still won’t approve of you. Why? Because you are not living congruently with your own Soul Truths. You are “outer defined”, and completely handing your power away.
If you are connected with a narcissist, no matter what you grant them to make them happy it will never be enough. You will be losing more and more pieces of yourself in the process, and you will never get love and approval anyway!
I know that I used to be devastated when people said bad things about me. Of course, when my identity was defined by other people I suffered an incredible inner identity injury at these times.
Now I know my real job is to align with my Soul and Source, approve of my own truth and values, and be honest about those.
There are many people I don’t want to be aligned with – people who don’t share my values and truths. They are just not my peeps! Narcissists absolutely fit into this category. I have no desire to fluff their feathers, tell them what they want to hear, or share time with them.
I’m also not interested in hanging with people who are not Soul-felt, authentic people. Surface level living is not my thing! I’m not saying they are wrong and I am right. We are just different people.
If someone gets pissed off at me, that’s their prerogative. If I need to own something and course-correct, then this is great feedback. If it’s because they don’t like Who I Am, then that is a different matter. Their opinion is still fine, but what is important is what I think of me, not what they think of me. In no way do I need to agree, participate, or try to get them to change their mind. These people are just no longer my reality!
This will hugely allow you to take your power back from a narcissist. When they can no longer derail you with their persecution of you, or by setting others up to blame and shame you; and when you stand in your power of Who You Are, without ANY need to justify a thing – then narcissists crumble.
They also work out pretty quickly that you are not going to be available for them to guilt, hook in,
or emotionally derail. They cannot siphon out your Life Force and resources because you stand in, “There is nothing I need to give to you or prove to you in order for me to be myself and live MY life!”
The main shifts I did with NARP to take back my power on living my truths were:
- Source Healing and Resolution Module: to release my traumas generating the fear of criticism, rejection, abandonment, and punishment for being myself
- Goal Setting Module: “I am free to be my truth, regardless of what other people say and do. By being so I draw people and situations who are real, loving, and supportive to me.”
Know Source Is Your Source – Not The Narcissist
Taking you power back from a narcissist is all about self-definition.
The issue with this is that many people have a very limited view of what their “self” really is.
This is what I know now as a result of my Quanta Freedom Healing NARP journey. My “self” is much bigger than what I could have ever imagined. It includes Source, which is the same as my Higher Self, my Higher Power, my Superconscious Self.
This “bigger” part of me is connected to All That Is, and is benevolent, supportive and prosperous in incredibly miraculous ways.
When I was “cut off” from this inner embodiment then I was just “little Melanie” – a personality trying to get loved and approved of by things outside of myself: False Sources such as other people, achievements and situations that would make me feel good.
When the narcissist came into my life, he was a bright shiny person who seemed to be all the answers to my prayers – the person who would finally take away the loneliness and the pain, and who would be my “soft place to land”. I had no idea that he would be the greatest False Source of all.
He pretended to be my salvation, and I welcomed this, because no matter how capable I was in achieving “stuff”, I did not have any connection to True Source. I was out on a limb in the wilderness, ripe for the picking.
In stark contrast, this is my reality today – I am living my truth as the generator of my life with Source as my Source.
As a result of clearing all of my trauma that was disconnecting me from Source, I now feel flourishing and nourished by Source, beyond my wildest dreams. I promise you I had to work at this. Before healing myself at this level and taking this TRUE power back, I really did feel like I had been forsaken, punished and even cursed by True Source.
None of this was true. It was just painful programming and traumas that were causing me to live “cut off” and needing to seek wholeness, peace, love, acceptance, and security – salvation – outside of myself. Because this seeking was from False Sources, I didn’t get salvation. Instead I got more of who I was Being – the results of being disconnected from Source.
Now I do have salvation, as a direct link from inside of myself.
There is no place for dodgy narcissists in this place. I don’t make decisions from fear or “what ifs” or “I may not have another chance.” Narcissist don’t infiltrate this place – it’s impossible.
It will be for you too.
The healing shifts that connected me back to the true power of Source were:
- Intensive Module 2 and 7 work with NARP
- The Source Healing and Resolution Module: to release my traumas generating needing others for love, approval, security, and survival
- The Goal Setting Module: “Source adores, provides for, and flourishes and nourishes me beyond measure. By filling with Source, life responds in healthy, supportive, and prosperous ways. I now choose Source-filled people and situations wisely.”
Become Your Own Authority
A large part of the de-programming, to come home to being a sovereign being who is self-defined, is releasing the belief of “other people are my authority.”
They aren’t. You and Source are the authority of your life.
In no way am I saying that there are not times when we have to comply, fit in, serve others and certain systems, and be a team player. What I am saying is that when you KNOW deep inside yourself that something is wrong for you, and yet you comply when someone or something else tells you that YOU are wrong and must listen to them, then you are in Wrong Town.
Narcissists love to diminish you and tell you that you don’t know and they know better. No matter how much your Inner Being is screaming at you, or how “off” it feels in your body, they bank on you abandoning yourself to go along with their agenda, which is firmly brokered in their favour at your expense.
Becoming your own authority means growing up and being an adult who can take care of yourself. It means being a critical thinker and stopping naively believing that everyone who apparently has “credentials” has your best interest at heart.
Critical thinkers look at ALL the evidence. They do their own research. They don’t just agree to get along because they are scared of speaking up saying, “I’ll look into this”; “Let me get a second opinion”; or even “Let me consider that you have some vested interest in pushing me in this direction that may not be wholesome, healthy or even beneficial for me.”
Critical thinkers and people who are their own authority ask the hard questions. They demand evidence, transparency and proof before agreeing to any deal. They also know that when lies, cover-ups and diversions ensue, then they have just flushed out a con job – which narcissists are famous for executing because they know that very few people will ever demand to see the real truth.
Real, wholesome people on the other hand, have no problem with presenting verifiable facts. They know that healthy people respect themselves and will demand facts before entering into a deal, and they also know good people have NOTHING to hide!
Becoming you own authority means that rather than blindly believing “mere humans” you listen to your deep intuition and Source, and you are guided from that place. No longer do you need to please others, stay “popular” or need to look “good” because peer pressure or a narcissist (who loves to make you feel like you will be the “wrong” one, the “bad” one or the “odd one out” if you don’t comply) is forcing you to do so.
Becoming my own authority was a massive shift for me. I used to have terrible fears of authority and went along with anyone who assumed this role in my life. It has been liberating beyond measure to shake this off!
The specific healing shifts that released my terror of authority and brought me back into control of my life were:
- Module 8 of NARP
- The Source Healing and Resolution Module: to release my fears of persecution and annihilation by authorities
- The Goal Setting Module: “I trust my Source and Soul. I choose to know the verifiable facts before I make any decision about myself and my life. I own my decisions with power and grace, regardless of what anyone else is or isn’t doing.”
Do you think narcissists can steer you into their narrative and manipulations when you take this level of power back? Of course they can’t!
A narcissist only has power over you if you choose to make your life about “them” – when your focus is about “how” and “why” they destroyed your life; who they are; why they operate the way they do etc. etc. etc.
Narcissists love this! it makes them important, omnipotent and the centre of people’s universes. Absolutely I reach out to all of you “about narcissists” but this is only so that you come to find out the truth – that your healing, emancipation, liberation and Thriving is all about YOU!
Here is the real truth about narcissists. They are a catalyst that infiltrated us through the unconscious, unhealed parts of ourselves that were assigning these people as our Source of love, approval, security and survival. For many of us this is a repeat of our emotional childhood experience, where of course we didn’t have the power, consciousness, or resources to escape. Unconscious families were the norm – it happened to most of us.
However, as adults we can now take our focus off the victimisation of what other people did to us – whether consciously or unconsciously blaming them for the way we are and how our life went – when they too were the products of unconscious parenting.
Here is the rub: even if our parents took full 100% responsibility for their own unconscious parenting of us – that caused us to not be solid, healed up and self-generative on the inside – it still wouldn’t heal us!
Mere confirmation and validation do NOT take away the inner traumas that are wedged in our Inner Being. At best all it will do is give us some temporary relief, yet the real inner work still needs to be done!
So here it is – we take our power back by no longer making it about other people (they quite frankly become irrelevant) and we just focus on the healing and freeing of our own Inner Being.
Then you stop going back in for apologies, recognition and closure. Narcissists love this because they can keep you hooked, siphoning out your Life Force and can keep projecting all of their inner junk all over you – blaming YOU for everything.
This is why No Contact is vital – or strict Modified Contact if you have matters to finalise. However please know in no way is No Contact the complete answer, because nothing releases and heals you from your inner trauma, other than releasing yourself and healing yourself from your inner trauma!
However, detachment gives you space to do this. When you are no longer in the fight with the “other”, then less stuff comes up for you, allowing you to do this inner work more than ever. This is because you are left with only “you” and the inner healing necessity of “you”. Which is a GREAT thing!
I used to be hell-bent on staying connected to make him “get it”. I thought I would die if he didn’t “get it”. I had no idea that true resolution, release, relief and closure was only EVER going to happen between me, myself and Source.
When I did, and I focused on that, then true healing and Thriving came and the narcissist was powerless to do anything else to hook me back in. It was like the energy chord was well and truly cut.
My NARP work that created detachment from the narcissist was:
- All of the Modules, especially Module 2, 3, 4, 5 and 9
- The Source Healing and Resolution Module: to let go of needing another to validate or “get” what they had done to me
- The Goal Setting Module: “My resolution, healing and expansion is between myself and Source. I am granted all of this in abundance by Source, in all ways, always.”
Then you will discover how much narcissists become Not Your Reality! They were merely and magnificently the catalyst forcing you to your knees to make your way back to yourself and True Source!
Declare Thriving As Your Birthright
This did not happen to you for naught. It happened FOR you to come home to your Soul, True Source and become a solid inner adult, healed up, as a generative source of your life.
Can you imagine a FedEx parcel being repetitively delivered to your door and you say, “Nothing today thank you.” Yet, the sender is insistent, they don’t give up and it keeps coming and coming and you keep refusing it. You don’t open the door, accept it, or unwrap it.
The traumas in our life are the same. They keep coming in repeat until we bless and accept them, unwrap them, feel them, release them and reprogram them.
Why is the sender so insistent? Because our Soul and Source wants our evolution. At the deep inner level of our True Being we want to grow. We want to free ourselves from these experiences. We want to grow beyond them as a result of them. We want to access much better trajectories of our life, where we can generate true love, health, and prosperity.
It wasn’t until my recovery from narcissistic abuse that I fully woke up to this. I thought I had worked on myself. I believed that years of reading, research, therapy, and workshops had finally got me free of relationship pain and dysfunction. But I had never really healed on the inside.
I truly am eternally grateful that narcissistic abuse brought up my unhealed parts with such intensity and ferocity that I was forced to finally put my Inner Being first – because I could no longer survive unless I did so.
I remember back then, in the thick of my trauma thinking, “This can’t be it! This is nothing like I knew my life was going to be!” And something in me refused to believe life as I knew it was over.
Actually, that part was true. It was over as I knew it – no longer was I going to do living a life as a survivor, passenger, and victim from the outside in, handing my power away.
I was going to fully take it back and live my live consciously from the inside out.
My True Self and True Life was about to become.
Why do you think I am so passionate about sharing how to recover, heal and Thrive with all of you?
Every single shift you will ever do with Quanta Freedom Healing is about saying, “This trauma and way of being – stuck, powerless, hurting and diminished – is Not My Reality. I’m going to let this go, I am going to let the Light of Source enter me and heal what I logically can’t.”
And so it is.
This is how we take our power back from narcissists, back from the darkness. By letting go of the darkness, the trauma inside of us, and filling where it once was with the Light.
So if you are ready to take back your own power, my highest recommendation is that you join my Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program (NARP), which you can do by clicking this link.
Or if you are a member of our NARP community already, can you see how these steps can empower you? Have you already felt yourself moving into your own power? And does it help to have some guidance on how to use your modules to empower yourself even further?
I look forward to your comments and questions below.