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Do you feel caught in a narcissist-inflicted cycle of abuse?
Which part of the cycle are you at? Is it idolise? Or is it devalue? Or maybe you’ve been discarded?
Each phase is traumatising, deeply so, exactly because they know how to hook into your unhealed trauma and make it hurt.
First, they will purport to fulfil all your dreams and desires and then turn them against you one by one.
In today’s Thriver TV episode I’ll explain to you how to relate these cycles of abuse to the trauma that we are experiencing in our body.
I deeply hope this helps you, by being able to untangle what is going on, so that you can access a faster and much more powerful recovery journey.
Today, I want to truly help you understand trauma and how it relates to the cycles of narcissistic abuse.
There are three main cycles of narcissistic abuse that are perpetrated on you, these are idolise, devalue and discard. You may have heard about them and studied them.
But how do these cycles relate to the trauma that we are experiencing in our bodies at the time of these stages?
I hope that not only will you find this episode fascinating, but that it will also help grant you vital information regarding your recovery from narcissistic abuse.
Okay, so just before we get started I’d like to thank all of you who have subscribed to my channel for supporting the Thriver Mission and spreading the word that it is now possible to heal for real from narcissistic abuse.
Okay, so now, let’s get started!
The Trauma of “Idolise”
In the love bombing stage of narcissistic abuse, the narcissist is hooking into our past traumas.
Let me explain. These are the traumas of not feeling seen, heard or met.
Maybe, we felt invisible in a family of origin or in previous relationships. Yet, now, the narcissist has turned on the love gushing and attentiveness in such a way that we feel SO “met”. This causes us to feel like a parched person lost in the desert who has just found their oasis.
Narcissists are highly skilled at working out very quickly what has hurt you and what you are missing in your life. They then turn it on to seemingly grant you the rectification and a surplus of these specific things.
Thus, you bond very quickly with this person and let them into your heart, soul and life. It totally is the feeling of having connected with your soul mate.
In relation to a family member, or a work colleague or friend or another connection in your life, the idolise stage is about flattering you or being nice to you in order to groom and mine you to fulfil their own agenda.
Trusting the narcissist is vital for them to secure narcissistic supply, which is the energy from you that allows him or her to feel that they exist.
Possibly, you have experienced deception, betrayal and even adultery in your previous relationships. If a high functioning narcissist realises this, then they can purport to you that honesty, loyalty and monogamy are very important values to them and that they would never hurt you.
Of course, you may feel like you have hit the jackpot!
The same goes if you feel that you have been engulfed, controlled and distrusted previously, and this person seems to grant you space and trust in spades!
Here is this dream person you have been waiting for all your life!
Of course, we can say “How horrible that people dupe people in this way, pretending to be something that they aren’t!” Yet I promise you that thinking you’ve been “duped” equals how to lose regarding taking your power back and generating your safe, loving and healthy life.
As a Thriver, it’s vital to understand that we are responsible for our own boundaries and not to put them in the hands of other people who could be lying to us!
Healing and empowering and shoring up our own lives is never about stopping everybody else from lying, it’s about us being anchored in our loyalty, truthfulness and healthy boundaries to ourselves.
Absolutely, once upon a time, I chose to trust people blindly, even when my Inner Being was flashing extreme warning signs to me.
I ignored the signs because I didn’t want to speak up, rock the boat or risk this person leaving me because I didn’t “trust” them.
Now, as a result of trusting myself, I understand the following truths that apply to all of us regarding the previous traumas that have caused us to be susceptible to pathological and toxic individuals.
These understandings are vital to shore up not being able to lay boundaries or create our healthy and safe truth regardless of what other people are or aren’t doing:
1) If we inwardly meet the traumas from our birth families and previous relationships and heal them, then we will not be susceptible to somebody offering us “being saved” from these traumas. We have already achieved that for ourselves.
2) When we are healed and whole, we can take our time with people and get to know their character before committing our soul, body, life and finances to them.
3) If we have done enough inner work on our traumas, we can be ourselves. Meaning we can easily speak up, have the difficult conversations and be willing to walk away from any person and deal that starts to become unhealthy for us.
Okay now let’s get onto the next stage of the narcissistic abuse cycle.
The Trauma of “Devalue”
In the devaluing stage of narcissistic abuse, the narcissist is triggering our past traumas as well – the traumas of being invalidated, unloved and others not recognising us as good and honest people.
When the narcissist switches from being attentive, loving and caring, into starting to attack the very wounds that we thought that he or she was easing for us, it is intensely painful.
The promise of love, wholeness and safety that we were feeling, is now in dire jeopardy.
In regard to a family member, or any other narcissistic relationship, it’s extremely painful that this person, now, is not treating us how they should.
After feeling seen, heard and met (in the idolise stage) now there is cruel indifference, insults and abandonment.
After once being assured of loyalty and fidelity, we are now incredibly anxious that the narcissist is being disloyal and even adulterous behind our back.
After believing that we are honoured and given space and trusted, the accusations and insinuations start flying. And they cannot be appeased or resolved, no matter what we say or do.
What is happening?
The life that we thought we would be having with this person, or should be having, has turned into a nightmare.
Again, we get horrifically hooked into the insanity of it all, fighting to try to get this person to return to the “wonderful” person who we believe they should be. The harder we try to get them to do this, the worse things get.
So many of us have been there.
I was there too, fighting for accountability, sensibility and kindness that were impossible to get, and experiencing escalating abuse every time I tried.
What is the message in this?
This … the narcissist was never going to stop this behaviour or help us heal because he or she is not the saviour of these traumas.
The narcissist is the messenger of them.
What is it that is getting triggered from within you?
For me it was injustice, invalidation, betrayal and feeling intensely engulfed and distrusted.
These have been traumas which had plagued me all my life, and as a result of narcissistic abuse, they had hit critical mass. They were making me sick; they were breaking me down, they were destroying the fabric of my very Inner Being.
I was being attacked by him with my wounds. They were the bullets that he was using against me.
I had missed this message before. Now it was a whopping great billboard that had almost completely flattened me.
The message is the same as it is for all of us …
Turn inwards and become our own saviour by finding and healing these original traumas that are keeping us hooked into the narcissist trying to force him or her to “do it differently this time”.
The truths to embrace in this stage of the narcissistic abuse cycle are:
1) If we heal the traumas that are being dreadfully triggered in the devaluing stage, then we will emerge unaffected, no longer trying to get the narcissist to stop behaving like this. This is because we are no longer triggered by this person.
2) Then, because this behaviour is no longer our reality, (we no longer have the inner wounding that matches it) we will speak up, lay boundaries and leave if healthy behaviour is not forthcoming.
3) There is no longer a need for “closure”, “accountability” or the narcissist to “get it” or “make amends”. We have taken the gift of our own healing and evolution forward as well as the personal resolution and up-levelling in our life that was necessary.
4) In the future, we can be very quick to reject people who don’t have the resources to have healthy relationships with us. This is because we are no longer playing out the painful unconscious patterns of our old original wounds.
The Trauma of “Discard”
In many ways, this stage of the cycle triggers the most intense and panicked emotions of all.
This is where we come face-to-face with the huge terror of “abandonment”.
This one was enormous for me, as it is for so many of us who have experienced narcissistic abuse.
When I was abandoned by both narcissists, I freaked out. I would feel like I was dying. I would literally shake and even vomit with the terror of being “left to die”.
This deep primal trauma is embedded in so many of us, deeply within our Inner Identity.
When it goes off within us, we may hand over all our rights, values and even soul to try to not be abandoned. We can’t stop going back to the narcissist, even though he or she may be treating us terribly.
This is why, when separating from him or her, despite the horrific abuse, you can’t seem to let go, move on, stop obsessing or believe that you can live without this person.
There can be many deep inner wounds tied up into these feelings, but fundamentally “abandonment wounds” as well as trauma bonding is the reason for this. Such wounds are why it is so hard to stop breaking No Contact or move on from the obsession of what happened to you.
Personally, I know that if I hadn’t turned inwards to find and completely heal my abandonment traumas that I would not be alive today. They were literally killing me.
My heart goes out to so many of you who I know and recognise are dealing with these deep primal wounds as well.
These traumas powerfully hijack your entire being and have a life of their own. Mere logic or any amount of talk therapy and cognitive information can be completely useless in the face of such intense and engulfing urges.
This is what I know is necessary when this critical mass breakdown hits you:
1) Going within with an effective tool to find, load up and release those panicked, powerful traumas in order to go free from them, is what will save you. My NARP Program does this more effectively than anything else I know. It removes the panic and the intense addictive urges to reconnect, allowing you to stay away and safe.
2) Once you are no longer triggered into young and powerless wounds that have been causing you to retain connection to somebody for deep primal needs of survival, then you start to emerge as a healthy and whole self-generative adult force of your life to yourself. (The relief of this is indescribable!)
3) Going forward you are in a much more solid, mature and whole inner emotional position to make healthy choices regarding people and situations and look after yourself no matter who or what other people are doing.
4) This establishes a powerful healthy platform to be attracted to other healthy and whole mature people in your future.
Trauma Recovery is Key
You may have realised that my work is ALL about trauma recovery.
Trauma is responsible for everything in our life that derails us.
Trauma is not our natural state. As humans, we think that it is normal because it has been a normal part of the traumatic human experience, but in no way is it natural.
Trauma is not Who We Really Are.
The experience of narcissistic abuse and its three cycles are all about forcing us to our knees to go within to face and release ourselves from the trauma that has been causing us to have less than humane, fulfilling and safe interpersonal experiences.
When we emerge as trauma free, we are able to make healthy and empowered choices, that eliminate unhealthy people and situations from our life.
I hope that this has helped inspire you to know that there is a way out, no matter what stage of the cycle of narcissistic abuse that you’re in.
If this deeply resonates with you, I would love you to check out my NARP program, which to date, humbly, is the most effective trauma releasing and healing system that I know of to move you up and beyond narcissistic abuse.
As well as anything else that you feel plagued and stuck with.
And, as always, I look forward to answering your comments and your questions below.
I want to start by saying that when i use the term “domestic abuse” I am not just referring to male to female abuse. I am talking female to male, sibling to sibling, child to parent and every other abuse that takes place under the family roof.
On Monday 23rd March 2020 the UK Prime Minister announced that we are on lockdown, although Boris was very careful not to use that word. Essentially meaning that we are to stay home unless in exceptional circumstances.
Obviously that in itself is scary enough but for many adults and children there is another layer to this.
Domestic abuse at the hands of their family.
9 Reasons Why Domestic Abuse Will Rise During Lockdown
Abusive people love to isolate their victims. They do it covertly and usually over time to avoid suspicion. But they don’t need to be covert or slow anymore. They have effectively been given permission to isolate their victims (not a criticism of lockdown as I do believe it is necessary) and no-one will see it for what it really is. It will be swept under the carpet with “social isolation”. Added to that, is the reality that getting out will now be almost impossible. There’s nowhere to go.
Financial and service restrictions
With jobs being lost and income restricted, there isn’t the money to escape. The services which may have supported you in finding shelter and/or accommodation will be limited as well. You can’t go and stay with relatives due to the risk involved either.
The financial restrictions will increase stress levels in the house as well. Money is already one of the leading reasons for arguments in relationships and losing a job is seen as a crisis. It is creating a pressure pot for families who now have no way of getting out and letting off steam.
No escape routes
With most service industries being closed now (shows, pubs and restaurants) there is no outlet for time away or fun. Bundling the kids in the car to take them to the park or seaside is off limits as well. Every aspect of life is happening in four walls. It’s like Big Brother but on steroids!
Lack of purpose
We are all better, happier and more balanced people when we have a purpose in our life and for a lot of people that is a job or being a parent. With few people being able to go to work now this can lead to depression as well as anxiety over what happens next. Negative emotions can spiral and it’s easy to take things out on those closest to you.
As a parent when your kids were at school, you got on with stuff. Did the housework, saw friends, worked on your business. But now they are around 24/7 and you have way less time to do “your” stuff and that can be really frustrating. Add to that having to keep them entertained and meltdowns are inevitable.
Children are stressful
Even the best children can test the patience of a saint at times and so sending them off to school or nursery gives parents the break they need. Not any more. You get to see them in all their glory and it’s not easy. Giving children attention for long periods of time is also exhausting.
You will also see the difference in parenting styles between you and your partner which can cause arguments. We all have our own way of doing things and even when we work as a team, we don’t always agree on everything. That’s normal and natural and actually one of the strengths of most couples. But those differences, in a microsystem like lockdown can become enormous chasms of difference and the arguments can easily get out of hand if they are happening regularly.
Abusive people will use this situation to control who gets access to their victims and who doesn’t. They will interrupt calls, refuse to allow visits to drop off supplies for family members (under the guise of safety of course) and use this as an excuse not to return children after contact (against the advice of the government who state handovers are still permitted). Again this can cause arguments but also creates a new kind of “normal” which can become the precedent for how your household functions.
Awakening versus compliance
During this period of lockdown, people will fall into two categories: those who realise what is going on and see the abuse for what it is (awaken) and those who comply.
Those who awaken will find it really uncomfortable and perhaps attempt to fight back, refusing to comply. Those who comply are effectively accepting the behaviours and making it their “norm”. Sadly both are dangerous.
Many parents will refuse to adhere to the lockdown and will continue to go about their daily business which can, with the closure of schools, lead to many children being left to fend for themselves and care for their siblings. With services at a stretch, children may be left alone and in dangerous situations for the duration with no-one to check on them. I have known of young children who have attempted to cook chips in a deep fat fryer for their younger siblings whilst their parents were out at work. Doing that every day for 3 weeks is an accident waiting to happen.
It is important to note that even people who are not abusive will struggle through this period because it is so abnormal and scary. It has the potential to bring out the worst in us. If you find your family is struggling, do try to reach out to the online services listed below.
I sadly don’t have the answers as this has never happened before but my advice to everyone is try to stay positive. Make little “Peace zones” in your house where possible where people can go for 5 minute peace and quiet if needed. Don’t put pressure on yourself to be a teacher either. Be their parents and enjoy the time with them. That’s what they really need right now.
If you are in danger, support services will still be able to offer support so do use the numbers below.
And most of all, take care and be safe everyone.
Useful contact numbers:
Facebook Group Family Lockdown Tips and Ideas www.facebook.com/groups/871176893326326/
Samaritans 116 123
Support for women and children www.womensaid.org.uk/
Support for men www.mankind.org.uk/
Our own 14 Day Social Distancing Survival Kit mailchi.mp/thenurturingcoach.co.uk/survival-kit
All suicide is tragic. And this post is not to pass commentary on the who, why, what’s and wherefore’s of what happened leading up to Caroline Flacks actions on Saturday 15th February 2020. But rather to highlight the realities of what this can teach us about public opinion of domestic abuse and how that can impact decisions for both parties within an abusive relationship.
Caroline was going to face court for assault which was domestic abuse as it was an incident between two people in a relationship. We don’t and can’t know what happened between them. What we do know is that the CPS felt they had enough evidence to take the case to court and it was in the public interest to do so. For reasons only Caroline herself knows, she took the decision to end her life before getting a fair trial.
What I want to do is to look at the public’s reaction to this event and compare it to what I work with on a daily basis. I am not writing this post to be controversial or jump on the bandwagon. I simply want to highlight that Caroline’s story is one which I work with on a daily basis and so it would be neglectful of my clients to not be a voice for them here..
“Just an argument with her boyfriend”
If a person in the street suddenly punched you in the face how would you feel? Most of us would take issue. So when a person you love does that, what changes? This is the reality of domestic violence.
Domestic abuse is never to be belittled. More than that we can’t possibly understand the dynamics of their relationship because we are not in it. So many people stay in abusive relationships because they fear not being believed. This type of statement confirms that fear for them.
I also fear that this is indicative of gender differences in terms of how domestic abuse is viewed. There is still a view that only women can be victims of domestic abuse despite the growing evidence that the number of male victims is increasing year on year. This view does nothing to help either gender and completely ignores the many complex reasons domestic abuse occurs. Having worked in child protection and with domestic abuse charities as well as having personal experience of domestic abuse and coercive control, I understand that chaotic relationships are never as simple as one bad guy, one good guy. When we make those sorts of assumptions, we are missing out on opportunities to take the time to understand. The view of a drunk husband coming home and battering his wife is outdated and society’s view needs to change too.
“ITV didn’t sack Ant McPartlin and Geoffrey Boycott got an OBE”
In the interest of a balanced discussion, I do want to address the perceived difference in the treatment Caroline received compared to these male counterparts. I do think that ITV had a duty to act following her arrest but my understanding is that Caroline herself stepped down. What would have happened had she been found guilty (as McPartlin and Boycott were) we will never know. However, I would like to make the point that people are more than one act. Ant and Geoffrey are well respected in their fields, they are friends and sons and husbands, and I personally do not feel that one incident detracts from that. I understand their crimes are serious but if we wrote people off and effectively erased their achievements when they fuck up, are we not sending a clear message that suicide IS the only answer? Perhaps this is how Caroline felt. That this would haunt her forever. I personally would like to believe that she would have been shown the same amount of forgiveness and acceptance as these men. But we will never know now.
What is the right solution in these situations? There is a petition calling for it to be a criminal offence for the British Press to “knowingly and relentlessly bully a person, whether they be in the public eye or not, up to the point that they take their own life” in the wake of this. I do understand why people feel the press played a part but I also think it is important to remember that there are so many different factors involved in why someone takes their own life and it would be almost impossible for it to be proven that the actions of the press “caused” the actions of an individual. That takes away personal responsibility and choice. The press does have a duty to report and people do read these stories in papers and magazines. It’s hard to argue which came first – the story or the desire of the public to read about it.
Also domestic abuse is a behaviour which has many different causes. Just as any behaviour does. Is the woman who killed her children because she was mentally ill more or less guilty than the man who killed a child in a hit and run because he was over the legal limit for alcohol but was drinking because he was mentally ill? Usually when there is socially unacceptable behaviour (murder, rape, domestic abuse, assault) there is some form of mental health issue. Understanding that can help with treatment and more importantly prevention. The same with suicide. If we simplify the reasons for someone taking their lives, we are likely to miss the answer to how to prevent this moving forward.
Finally public perception of crime is not always based on fact but on emotion and Caroline’s story is very emotive. Because you felt like you knew her. But punishment is objective. Based on facts. And we simply do not know all of the facts so therefore it is impossible to propose a punishment. In many ways, the public change in perception of individuals involved in these cases is a significant punishment in itself. Having people, strangers, making judgements about you, is incredibly painful. On top of that, it changes how they view themselves. Many abusers exhibit very low self esteem and high self loathing which can cause or exacerbate mental health problems. The same is true for victims.
“Ex has blood on his hands”
Again we don’t know what went on but if Lewis Burton was hit on the head during a row he is a victim and blaming the victim for the actions of the perpetrator is unacceptable. So many victims get told that they must have done something to deserve it. Both by society, friends, professionals and their ex. They are constantly made to feel that they are in some way to blame. If they just hadn’t done or said X, Y or Z. Even if Lewis did do or say something wrong, no-one deserves to be abused. Guilt is often what keeps people in relationships. Victims can feel like they haven’t done enough to help. That they must be the problem because they aren’t like it with anyone else. “Everyone else thinks they are wonderful so it must be me.” Part of their journey to recovery is accepting that we are all responsible for our own actions. The abuser is responsible for theirs. Letting go of the need to rescue them and accept all responsibility can be hard. It’s a conditioned behaviour, often from childhood, and many victims believe that in order for them to receive love, they must please others. If someone isn’t pleased, it must be their fault. It’s a vicious cycle but one that can be broken.
The reasons people make these decisions are complex and usually multifaceted. It is impossible to say it was the exes fault, the media’s fault, ITV’s fault or anyone else for that matter. Only Caroline knows why she felt this was the best option.But she isn’t alone in this. Around one-in-eight of all suicides and suicide attempts by women in the UK are due to domestic abuse according to statistics (The Guardian May 2019). A Cambridge research programme in A&E found that women who self-harmed were 75 times more likely to have suffered partner abuse and men who self-harmed were over twice as likely to have suffered partner abuse. The psychological toll of domestic abuse is extremely high.
In the work I do, many abusers, particularly those with abandonment issues, use the threat of suicide to keep their victims from leaving. Suicide can be, and I am not saying it is in this situation, but it can be the ultimate act of control and manipulation. Leaving the victim with the guilt.
The point I am making in all of this is that to blame one person (or entity) ignores the many different factors which influence someone’s decision to take their own life. We don’t know what risk factors Caroline experienced, or understand her view of herself or her resilience or her support networks. There are just too many unknowns to simply say it is down to one thing and one thing alone. If we hope to prevent suicide, it’s important we understand this.
“He didn’t want to pursue the charges”
This is so common because victims are fearful and so they return to the abuser, begging police not to press charges for fear of the repercussions. It takes a lot of courage to go through with pursuing charges. The victim may not be ready to end the relationship or may feel pressure from family, friends and the abuser to drop the charges. The reality here is that IF Caroline did abuse Lewis, she was facing losing her career and reputation. The guilt of that could have been too much for Lewis or perhaps Caroline put pressure on him to drop the charges. We simply do not know. But his behaviour is not uncommon.
More than 160,000 victims of domestic violence in England withdrew their support for charges against their abusers in 2016 (The Independent, 2017)
(source: The Daily Mail)
Lord Ken McDonald, former director of public prosecutions stated:
‘Most of the pressure groups around domestic violence are very voluble in saying the CPS should be building cases that don’t rely just on victim testimony.’
We could therefore assume that there must have been sufficient evidence from other sources for the CPS to be going ahead with a trial. If we, as a society, want to tackle domestic abuse, we have to be consistent with our approach.
“Innocent until proven guilty”
I absolutely agree that this should be our stance on issues where we have no first hand experience of what went on. But the reality is that we live in a society where people need an answer when something they are struggling to comprehend happens. And the media feeds into that. The truth is we’re not very good at figuring out the causes of other people’s behavior and, as humans, it’s our default to always look for a cause. Blaming someone else is an easy solution to both of these.
Unless you have witnessed the abuse first hand, it is impossible to know the truth of a situation no matter how much you think you know the person/people involved. Many abusive people use others to spread the false allegations and, in the work I do, engage police, domestic abuse charities, social services and court to further punish their ex. In my own situation, I only ever talked publicly about the abuse I experienced and reported, not what I was told from others. As observers, it is easy to get caught up in the experience. Someone tells you their side of the story, encourages you to sympathise with them and before long you are sharing the story with your friends and family.
False allegations are seemingly on the rise and can be incredibly damaging to someone’s life. Once an allegation is made, it seems to obtain a life of its own, shared amongst family and friends, employers, police, teachers. With court cases taking months to reach trial, it can put an enormous burden on the individual accused when the allegations are false. People judging them without knowing the whole story and coming to conclusions about the type of person they must be. When their are children involved, it can lead to them having contact stopped. So imagine that you had a row with your partner or ex, you find yourself called into the police station being accused of assault or domestic abuse, you try to tell your side of the story but are instead handed a non-molestation order and ordered to stay away from your ex and the children. Your employer finds out, they suspend you and now you have no income. You could lose your job, your home and your children. Your friends try to be supportive but you can see they are looking at you differently. Your family are getting stick from their neighbours and the community. The children get referred to professionals so they can talk about it. How would that feel? Seeing your whole life flipped upside down. Cut off from your children and ostracised by your employer, friends and sometimes family. This is parental alienation and it’s easy to see why suicide becomes a valid option.
If one good thing comes out of this tragedy, wouldn’t it be nice if we all were able to respect the “innocent until proven guilty” rhetoric?
Everyone views this from a different perspective. Caroline came across as being a “girl next door” kind of character. Everyone appeared to like her and she was very relatable. Perhaps you could imagine yourself being friends with her or even felt that she was a lot like you. It can be really hard to then accept that she is capable of hurting another person because it would make you question your own view of yourself. If she can do something like this, could you? It may therefore be easier to minimize the behaviour or even justify it. It’s perfectly natural and is a sign of empathy. However, true empathy is when we can see the situation from all sides and still be compassionate.
From another perspective, if you have experienced domestic abuse, you may feel angry with all the sympathy Caroline is receiving. If you have had allegations made against you which were false, you may feel incredibly sympathetic towards her as you recognise in yourself how close you have come to suicide. If your family member has chosen to end their life, you may feel guilty and even angry that she didn’t turn to someone for help.
What we can learn
Caroline’s story (or what we know) is complex. Domestic abuse is complex. Mental Health is complex. Suicide is complex. The response to her story is very indicative of many views held by society which is what I was seeking to address.
The key points which I think we can learn are:
- Domestic abuse is rarely “just an argument” and belittling violence into those terms is dangerous.
- Men and women can be victims of domestic abuse – one in four women, one in 6 men are reported to be victims
- People are more than their mistakes and if we fail to see that are we advocating for suicide?
- The press has a duty to report and the public consumes the information. If you disagree with this type of reporting, think about how you consume information yourself and how you can make changes
- Mental health is misunderstood and there is still a stigma around it. The more we understand it, the better we are equipped to deal with ourselves, others and the inevitable difficulties which crop up in life
- Rather than looking to blame anyone, focus on understand the reasons behind it
- Victim shaming and blaming is never OK
- Mental health, domestic abuse and suicide are inextricably linked. We need to understand each individually as well as how they impact one another to prevent more tragedies
- We need a consistent approach to dealing with domestic abuse
- We should all assume innocent until proven guilty, regardless of our feelings on the matter
- Empathy and compassion is so important
My personal hope is that Caroline’s tragic death has opened the door to having real conversations about domestic abuse in households across the UK and abroad as well as within parliament buildings. This is where change will come and hopefully change lives and opinions.
What’s your thoughts on this situation and domestic abuse? Have you experienced anything similar?
The post Caroline Flack’s Suicide And What It Has Taught Us About Public Attitudes Towards Domestic Abuse appeared first on The Nurturing Coach.
There are so many losses after narcissistic abuse. It can be daunting to lose yourself, your health, family and friends as well as resources and finances.
Today, I share how to rebuild your self, health, important relationships and financial prosperity after narcissistic abuse.
Regardless of how old you are, how damaged you feel, how much you have lost and even if you believe that recovery and rebuild is impossible.
I promise you it is possible when you know how.
Losses are extreme with narcissistic abuse.
Loss of health, life force, resources, prosperity, and the energy, inspiration and hope to go forward and generate a new future.
I know how devastating this is, and I promise you I’ve been there on all these levels.
However, I want you to know there is a way to rebuild your life after narcissistic abuse. Myself, and so many others in this Thriver Community have achieved this spectacularly, against all odds and even despite so-called unhealable medical diagnoses.
By watching this video hopefully, I can inspire you to know that there is a wonderful life available for you after narcissistic abuse, no matter how much you have lost.
Today, we are going to look deeply at the different losses and how you can rebuild from them.
But before we do, I’d like to thank all of you who have supported the Thriver mission by subscribing to my channel. If you haven’t yet, please do. Also make sure that you hit the like button, and if you enjoy this video, share with others who you know it can help.
Okay so on to this episode!
Loss Of Self
After narcissistic abuse it is usual to feel like you’ve lost your life-force and your well-being.
You may even believe your life is over, and can’t imagine what it would feel like to be normal or healthy again.
Of course, initially we want things to change in our circumstances, such as the narcissist to be held accountable, or for some good fortune to turn everything around, or even for a wonderful person to come into our life to pick us up and save us from all of this trauma and devastation.
Maybe you just want to wake up from the nightmare that has become your life.
But the truth is no one is coming, and your Inner Being, which is the foundational basis of your entire life, is waiting for you to turn inwards and be your own rescuer.
And of course, initially you feel like you don’t have the health, sanity or inner resources to save yourself.
Yet, the total irony is we can’t recover and rebuild ourselves until we do turn inwards with the intention to be our own saviour.
In fact, it’s crucial.
And the reason it is, is because it puts you back inside your body.
You may think that the anxiety, depression and trauma is a result of what has happened to you. Yes it is, however, it is continuing and not being resolved, if you don’t turn inwards to meet these conditions and heal yourself back to wholeness.
That is exactly what self-partnering is about, and it is the very first essential step of Thriver Recovery. In fact, it’s what the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program (NARP) is all about – learning how to turn inwards to find, load up, and release all of the trauma that is generating your trauma and abuse symptoms, and replacing this with your Highest Source, which creates the shift to heal you.
This process can’t happen without self-partnering.
As a result of self-partnering, you will organically start shifting into the knowing that you are lovable and worthy, and as an adult capable of generating your own security and survival.
This is when the prior abuse trauma from the narcissist and the narcissist’s attempts to derail and terrorise you will all melt away.
I promise you that these capacities don’t come from outside of you, they need to be healed up from inside of you.
By doing so you will evolve beyond the fractures, trauma, and anxiety of having handed your power away to abusive people who did not have your best interests at heart.
Loss Of People
Inevitably, as a result of narcissistic abuse, relationships in your life may get smashed to pieces.
It is horrifying how narcissists have the ability to smear you, discredit you and turn people in your life against you. You may have lost family members, friends, associates and maybe even been alienated from your own children.
I know that this is beyond cruel, and my heart goes out to you if you have experienced these dreadful things.
And I really want to inspire you to know that staying stuck in the terrible trauma and victimisation will only mean that these circumstances can’t shift in your life.
It is completely understandable why you would be stuck in these feelings, and I totally validate you in that place, but there is a much more effective solution and way to deal with this.
With myself, and so many other people that I have helped achieve true healing with NARP, we discovered that when we released the trauma of these terrible injustices, smearing and alienation that we suffered, our Inner Being shifted, and then the outer started to shift to match this.
This is how powerful we are – we are Quantum Creators from the inside out.
People come back. The narcissist gets caught out. Loved ones return.
All sorts of miracles happen. I promise you this with all my heart.
There are numerous people in this community who have been reunited with people and their children who they were alienating from (some for decades), as a result of letting go of all the pain, resentment and heartbreak with NARP modules.
The complete and utter irony is, when you are at peace and only feel love in your heart without pain regardless of the outer circumstances, that’s when the outer circumstances powerfully shift.
This is the secret to changing our life, including our most important relationships. When we use Quantum Tools to achieve this, it becomes powerfully possible.
So many of us have been devastated by terrible health conditions as a result of narcissistic abuse. Trauma creates this. Eventually, not just your emotions break down, but also your physical being.
I know so many people, myself included, who were given shocking diagnoses as a result of the breakdowns of narcissistic abuse. So many of us were told that our emotional, adrenal, or mental breakdowns as well as PTSD, fibromyalgia, adrenal malfunctions and nervous system disorders, such as agoraphobia, could never be truly healed and at best, we could only hope to manage them with medication and strategies.
This is not true recovery; this is simply trying to exist with the trauma generated symptoms of abuse still active within you.
Now myself, and so many others, know that there is a true recovery solution for our abuse symptoms. Namely, releasing the trauma from within your Inner Being that is generating these symptoms.
When you do this, you allow well being to enter the space where the dis-ease once was, and you have the ultimate potential to get well.
Maybe, even more well than you have been in your entire life, even before abuse.
This is the resurrection that is totally possible for you … truly.
Myself and so many others have achieved this, fully. We no longer suffer any narcissistic abuse trauma symptoms.
A big part of narcissistic abuse is financial abuse. It is a widespread devastation in this Community.
So many people ask, “How DO I get over the financial abuse?”, “How can I leave when I am financially dependent on the narcissist?” and “How will I ever rebuild my life again?”
Financial abuse can be a dreadful injury in our life, and I promise you it was initially a massive challenge for me. Originally, I just wanted to somehow get up off the ground and rebuild what I lost. But the more I tried to do that, without facing my inner healing, the more powerless I felt.
I just didn’t have what it took to get up and get going again, and I wasn’t meant to. Because the time had come where I needed to deeply investigate and heal the reasons why I had suffered such financial devastation at the hands of abusers.
Something incredible happened when I started to clean that up. I felt relief, I felt wholeness inside that was no longer reliant on me having to have a certain thing or be a certain way.
It was just an organic peace. And from that place, with newly formed and anchored-in belief systems regarding my ability to be a generator of prosperity, with all of the healthy components of life, I started to blossom.
I was able to start actualising a rebuild from complete and total financial devastation. Solutions and assistance came. Support came. Opportunities and synchronicity and even miracles started entering my life granting me the abundance that I was already feeling in regard to loving and accepting myself unconditionally, regardless of what I did or didn’t have in my life.
I have seen so many Thrivers in this community rebuild their lives financially after narcissistic abuse, as a result of releasing and healing their internal financial traumas with NARP.
Many of these people were in midlife and beyond. Some of them had not worked for decades, and were even left with zero finances or shocking debt as a result of the abuse.
Yet, they were able to come back in ways and timeframes that were astounding, once the trauma was released and Life Force, in abundance, was able to flow through them as them.
And I know, as a result of deeply working on your Inner Being with my Quantum Tools in NARP, that you will have exactly the same opportunity to turn it all around.
How Our Losses Are Deeply Interconnected
I completely and utterly believe that a relationship with self, health, others, and finances is all deeply interconnected.
To holistically become healthy, whole, self-generative and flourished and nourished by Life Force itself, as well as being able to abundantly expand and express our mission and purpose on this planet, all of these areas of our life require our inner attention.
These are the four areas that we commonly experience grave loss in as a result of narcissistic abuse, and the good news is that we can directly address them to heal them beyond description.
You see, there is an incredible radical compensation that occurs after narcissistic abuse, when we turn inwards, to claim and activate the healing of Self. What wasn’t right, resets to becoming healthier than we could ever imagine in our wildest dreams.
That is the Thriver Way!
And I can’t wait for this to be your Thriver reality as well.
If this is what you want for you, take the stand with me by pausing this video and writing below “It is my time to reclaim my self, soul and life!”
If you haven’t yet subscribed, I’d love you to please do it, so that you will be notified about each new episode when it is released.
Please also share this video with the people who you know have experienced terrible loss as a result of narcissistic abuse. The people who you know need hope and a solution.
And as always I look forward to answering your comments and your questions below.
Originally published by The Law Office of Bryan Fagan, PLLC Blog.
Family law cases are among the most difficult of all areas of the law because of how intimate the subject nature is. True, you may not be worth millions of dollars like a multinational corporation but your family case deals with subjects that are more important than money. Your marriage, your children, your personal behaviors and that of your spouse are all relevant in a family case. While an investment banker’s work habits may require some embarrassing information to be disclosed in a trial, nothing compares to having to discuss your marriage to a room of strangers in a divorce trial.
Sometimes the material that is relevant in a family law case is more than just intimate or embarrassing. On occasion there is subject matter that relates to family violence, the safety of your children and even mental health disorders that become a huge part of family law cases. In these situations, you need to be able to know what to expect to encounter when dealing with problems associated with matters that are best kept private but are nonetheless relevant to your current family law case. Whether you are concerned for the well-being of your kids, yourself or even your soon-to-be ex-spouse I want to share some tips on how to handle these sorts of circumstances in your own family case.
What to do when you are worried about the safety of your children
If you find yourself worried about the safety of your children there is no time to waste in attempting to do something to remove those concerns from your life and theirs. Imagine being in a position where you had suspicions or thoughts about a hazard in your child’s life but did nothing to remedy that hazard. The next thing you know, something bad happens to your child and you end up blaming yourself for having identified a problem but having done thing to stop that problem from impacting your child.
This happens all too regularly with family law cases, I am afraid to say. For some reason our instincts as parents are inhibited by all of the hoopla associated with a family law case. This is ironic because at the core of what you are doing, no matter if it is a divorce or child custody case, is a desire to improve the lives of your children. The best advice that I can give to you is that you can improve your child’s life by addressing any concerns regarding safety immediately after you learn about them.
First and foremost, concerns about your child’s safety should be addressed by police and Child Protective Services (CPS). It is probable that the police will contact CPS anyways, but you should see to it that the police are aware of any concerns that you have for your child’s well being. If your child comes home from their mother’s house and tells you that her friend is acting inappropriately, your first step should be to talk to your child about any incidents that have occurred. Next, contact the police if that voice in your head tells you to. Better to be safe than sorry.
You need to know that if your spouse has a history with CPS, that will be an especially relevant bit of information that will need to be discussed with the judge. Family violence is a serious subject as judges want to, above all else, keep your children safe. Any words that you or your spouse use towards one another that could be construed as violent or threatening can and will likely be brought up again.
What does this mean to you on a practical level? Well, for starters, you need to get into the mindset that anything and everything that you say can be recorded and documented. This means those words can be taken out of context, potentially, and used against you and to the advantage of your spouse. Meaning: choose your words carefully. Especially choose how you text and email your spouse. Take a moment before responding to a particularly mean or nasty email to consider how your response can be utilized against you by your spouse.
Next, certainly never put your hands on your spouse for any reason. Even if you are justified in touching your spouse do not do it. Remove yourself from any situation that may rise to violence, animosity or anger. It is not worth it to you to be involved in any discussion that is heated. Use your attorney to convey difficult messages if you don’t believe that your spouse can be respectful of you and your opinions. Even if you are merely defending yourself, it can be a disaster to your case if you were to injure your spouse (especially if you are a man).
One thing that I have seen in recent years is people fighting over cell phones. Grabbing for a phone to see if someone has contacted your spouse or for any other reason can be dangerous. Mostly because those sort of actions can quickly escalate and lead to further use of violence or at the very least coarse language. Nothing contained in that phone is worth potentially losing time with your kids over- or even going to jail for. Be aware of your surroundings and do what you can to de-escalate any situation that you believe could lead to heated tempers.
Is protective order relevant to your situation?
A lot of clients ask about protective orders at the beginning of a child custody or divorce case. The thought being that one could potentially serve the purpose of de-escalating potentially dangerous situations. A protective order can serve a purpose when family violence has occurred in the home recently and that the violence is likely to continue but for the obtaining of a protective order.
If you get a protective order against your spouse that can be severely detrimental to his case in a divorce or child custody matter. You would need to decide whether or not to pursue a protective order that protects you and your kids or just you. While in today’s world we do not ordinarily consider these situations all that often, the fact is that men can be abused, as well as women. Think about all the information we are told about how women are reticent to come forward with details about abuse that they have suffered. The same can be said for men. Men are typically even less willing than women to come forward with details about abuse that they have suffered.
Handling issues regarding mental health in conjunction with a family law case
These are two subjects that come up all the time in family law cases. In some cases they are the primary reasons why there are child custody issues or circumstances that have led to discussions about divorce. Whether your spouse has been diagnosed with having a mental impairment or other mental health difficulty, or you suspect him or her of having a condition like this, mental health problems shine through brightly in many family cases.
Do you suspect your spouse of being bi-polar, having anxiety or being depressed? Some clients of mine in the past have commented that their spouse must be bi-polar considering how hot and cold he/she is. One minute they could be having a conversation together, and the next minute that same spouse could have grabbed a knife to attack our client. Behavior like this that is inconsistent and aggressive can be downright dangerous.
Another problem that clients frequently run into are issues related to a parent’s inability to take their medications as prescribed. The result is comments that relate to how good a parent your spouse might be when he or she is taking their medication, but if that medication is not taken as prescribed your spouse may be the most disagreeable person on earth. It is understandable to not want to take medication when those medicines cause you to feel out of sorts, but that concern needs to be balanced against the desire to keep your safe.
Finally, you need to speak to your attorney about your own history involving drugs and alcohol. The reality for many parents is that if there is a history of drug or alcohol abuse, you probably do not want to share those details with anyone. However, the worst thing that you can do is to keep that history a secret until a mediation or hearing date. Having your lawyer blind-sided by an opposing attorney who disclosed a history of drug and alcohol abuse is not a good plan to have.
Beware of back and forth bickering
Sometimes it is inevitable that you and your spouse will get into an argument. That happens even in the best functioning of marriages. Those arguments usually go nowhere and just leave everyone involved stressed to the max and angry that the discussion was ever started in the first place. Many times, we can see these discussions/arguments happening ahead of time and it takes a little bit of self-control to simply avoid them altogether.
There is nothing more awkward and potentially detrimental to your case to get into an elaborate game of bomb throwing in a courtroom. It typically will happen like this: both you and your spouse have allegations that the other acted inappropriately, was emotionally abusive or generally did something that was harmful to the kids. You then use your time on the witness stand to defend yourself and then hurl a few bombs her way.
What this ends up being is a back and forth game of unsubstantiated allegations. Instead of using your time productively to testify credibly for yourself and against your spouse, you are going to alienate your judge and distance yourself so far from the facts of your case that you may have trouble getting back on track. I have seen this happen many times in other cases and even in my own cases. Emotionally it may be satisfying to fire back at your spouse when he or she makes allegations against you, but in the long run that sort of behavior rarely if ever turns out to work to your advantage.
The people in your life that you trust are there to be your support system
We all have moments in our lives that require the support of others. Whether it is during a difficult family law case, a death in the family or the loss of a job, we cannot always be at our best. It is during those times that we rely on others to prop us up and support us. With that said, keep in mind that there is nothing wrong with doing so. At some point in the future it is likely that you can repay that person by being there for him or her when they need you.
Remember, also, that your mental and physical well-being matters. Staying in a marriage for the sake of your kids is noble, but ultimately self-defeating. Your kids deserve a parent who is at their best. You cannot be at your best when you are involved in a marriage that is emotionally
unfulfilling or worse yet- violent. We will discuss this topic when we pick up where we left off today in tomorrow’s blog post.
Questions about family law cases in Texas? Contact the Law Office of Bryan Fagan
The attorneys with the Law Office of Bryan Fagan would like to express their sincere appreciation for your interest in today’s blog post. We post articles like this every single day in order to share some of the knowledge that we can have gained through serving people in our community just like you.
In order to speak to one of our licensed family law attorneys about your case, please do not hesitate to contact us today. A consultation at our office is absolutely free of charge and can go a long way towards helping you better understand your circumstances and how to help your family and yourself.
Narcissistic abuse is one of the most devastating things you could ever go through.
However, this does not have to be a life sentence.
There are steps that you can take to rise up and out of abuse symptoms, and into your true and new healthy relationship with self, others and all of life.
Today, in this a very special Thriver TV episode, I have the absolute joy of sharing with you the seven steps that myself, and many other Thrivers in the community, have used to not just merely survive abuse, but to truly enter the life of our dreams.
After being narcissistically abused there is a necessity to get healthy .…
Because you are probably going through the worst time in your life, you may feel like you’ve lost your life force, your well-being, your hope for the future, and possibly even your will to try to move forward and rebuild your life.
I know, 100% you may feel like your life is over, and you can’t even imagine what it would feel like to be healthy again.
I promise you that how you feel, and what your life looks like, isn’t going to be your reality for the rest of your life, if you work on these seven points that I’m going to be sharing with you today.
But, before I do, I’d just like to take a moment to thank all of you who have subscribed to my channel for supporting the Thriver mission, and if you haven’t yet done so please do, and also if you like this video please make sure to give it a thumbs up.
Okay so let’s start off by having a look at the first step to reclaiming your health after narcissistic abuse.
Step Number One – Start Self-Partnering
Self-partnering is vital. In fact, it’s crucial. And the reason that it is so foundational for Thriver recovery after narcissistic abuse is because it puts us back inside our body. Here we find and reverse all the unconscious reasons that led us to be narcissistically abused in the first place.
Initially, it is a very hard pill to swallow – understanding that we can be very susceptible to narcissistic abuse as a result of suffering a disconnection from ourselves. One that is extreme enough that unknowingly we are trying to seek the missing parts of ourselves, from outside of ourselves.
However, the truth does set us free. Because when we understand that there was a fracture within us, we can take our power back and heal it.
If we are not fully anchored in our body, being an inner emotional experience of knowing that we are lovable and worthy and as an adult capable of generating our own security and survival, then we are seeking these essential commodities from other people to try to feel whole on the inside.
Ironically, this lack of inner wholeness has nothing to do with how intelligent, capable or accomplished we are. These are emotional gaps within us, that often cause us to overcompensate and be even more practically high functioning than most people.
Narcissists know and sense these gaps within us. They know how to appear as the saviour of these parts of ourselves that we seek from the outside, whilst mining and sucking dry our capabilities and resources.
When we are not in our body, self-partnered, and integrated as a whole emotional source to ourselves, we dismiss our inner warning signs and we may even rationalise away the traumatic feelings of being abused. We are also likely to cling to the person who is the source of the abuse, trying to get them to change what they are doing so that we can feel safe and whole.
To rectify all of these patterns of being codependently abused by others requires self-partnering. It means rather than look to the outside to solve our problems, heal our wounds, and take away the pain, we realised that the work has to be done between us and ourselves, within ourselves.
When we turn within with the right intention toward our Inner Being, we are moving out of Wrong Town, and back home to ourselves.
I want you to repeat after me, ‘I am here for you. I will love and accept you – wounds and all. I am here to help you heal with everything I have, and I am never leaving you again.’
This is when we make the switch from living life ‘from the outside in’ to living life ‘from the inside out.’
It’s the only way to heal and Thrive.
Step Number Two – Engage Self-Devotion
It’s one thing to know that we have to turn inward and start becoming a source of self instead of trying to get others to give us ourselves … but it’s another to know how to start treating ourselves nicely.
I really want you to understand that you need to let go of trying to blame and shame and punish and criticise yourself into shape.
Can you see how, if you have been doing this – treating yourself with conditional love, and harsh expectations, why you have drawn into your life and tolerated someone who has been reflecting back how you have been treating and talking to yourself?
Self-devotion means this: ‘I am going to talk to myself lovingly the way that I would talk to a small child I adore.’
After narcissistic abuse you are healing, and you require your own tenderness and kindness. You need to be able to say to yourself every day, ‘I am proud of you, I love you and I’m here to support you all the way. You will get through this.’
And in times of triggers and fears, this is about learning how to be kind, supportive and present with yourself, and teach yourself how to breathe, while remaining in your body. The times when we make our most self-annihilating decisions are when we self-abandon.
Thriver self-devotion means not running away from these feelings anymore and making choices that only hurt you more – such as attempting to self-medicate with abusive people, terrible food choices, active addictions, mind-numbing distractions and all sorts of things that take you away from becoming your best lover, supporter and healer.
When we are doing these things to ourselves, we are not in control of our own lives, and we are highly susceptible to being controlled by people who hurt us.
Thriver self-devotion can also mean becoming extremely healthy with self-care, good nutrition, healthy exercise, regular sleep and maybe seeing a holistic practitioner who can help get your mineral and vitamin levels balanced and healthy again.
I want to share with you this vital fact – we will never tolerate a level of abuse that is beyond what we are capable of doing to ourselves. If we ignore the calls for help from our Inner Being, self-abuse ourselves with terrible choices, and continue to criticise and blame and shame ourselves, as well as feed ourselves with toxic food, then the identical treatment from the outside is what is familiar and what we will tolerate.
Treating ourselves with love, respect, devotion, and tenderness reverses all of that.
Step Number Three – Taking The Healing Time
A big mistake that many people make is trying to just get on with life.
I know that as a result of narcissistic abuse, you may have lost a great deal of ground, years, resources and the like. It’s very usual to try to just get up and get on with it again, and many people are shocked to find out that they just don’t have the capacity within themselves to achieve that.
This happened to me too. I had always been a doer, a high achiever who believed that my value and ability to be accepted depended on my accomplishments. After narcissistic abuse, I was forced for the first time ever in my life to place my soul and Inner Being as the number one priority. And I wasn’t going to survive until I did.
What I discovered, as a result of fully dedicating myself to healing and knowing that that was my greatest mission in life, was to repair my relationship with my Inner Being, in order to create true relationships with life and others.
This was the first time in my life that I understood how to get life right at the core base level where I needed to.
You will too, when you accept what I did – that it’s time to put your outer life on hold. It’s time to say ‘no’ to things and people outside of yourself and say ‘yes’ to you and your Inner Being. By doing so you will discover that you can self-partner and self-devote and start truly healing within your own being in order to change yourself.
Then the changes in your life will follow automatically.
I liken this to being a bird with broken wings, going into the bird hospital to spend the appropriate amount of time there, who then comes out and soars high in the breeze with the world literally at its feet.
This is exactly what you have to look forward to if you take this necessary hiatus and treasure your healing time. All of your real life does depend on it.
Step Number Four – Meet The Trauma In Your Body
We are so blessed in this space-time reality, right here right now, to be able to have the Quantum tools to bypass our logical brain, meet the trauma in our body, load it up, release it and replace it, so that we can literally shift out of who we were being, into the Being who can actualise the life, love and interpersonal relationships that work.
The old paradigm was about trying to manage the trauma in our body without ever living free of its effects, whilst trying to survive having the thoughts, feelings, people and situations that simply matched our already existing trauma.
Clearly, living trauma free is so much easier, cleaner and more powerful and so much more fulfilling.
This is where my NARP program comes in. You may have seen the incredible results that NARP regularly produces for the members of this community. The reason for these results is that these people, by releasing the trauma from their Inner Beings, opened up space to allow organic well-being that is naturally coded into all of us, namely life force itself, to enter.
Meaning that the old battle with trauma and its symptoms such as anxiety, depression, PTSD, fibromyalgia, agoraphobia, adrenal malfunction all simply melt away. Which means our natural life force fills the space where the trauma once was – joy, creativity, inspiration, and excitement for the future and complete closure from the past, regardless of the age of the person, how much they have suffered or what they have lost.
This is what you can look forward to if you are willing to meet, and do the work, on the trauma in your body.
Bonus Step Number Four – Say ‘No’ To Your Old Patterns
This is where you need to get very clear with yourself. You may have released the trauma, but now you need to have boundaries and clear definitions regarding what it means to start experiencing your new life, which may be a life that you have never been able to access before.
So, for example, if your patterns used to be having unavailable people in your life who treated you like you were invisible, then it’s vital that you start showing up with the key people in your life asking for what you need.
It is also going to be vital to do the work on releasing the fears and traumas of being invisible, and knowing that you deserve to have healthy, connected, more committed relationships in your life.
Then you will see who will meet you at the more evolved level of relationship that you are now taking a stand for directly, honestly and lovingly. And in many cases, those who do have the resources will step up and meet you at this higher level of relationship as a reflection of the higher relationship that you are now living between you and yourself.
And, if there are people in your present life who don’t have the resources for communion and connection and intimacy or existing people who refuse or don’t have the resources to meet you there, then you will let go and move on as a fully integrated individual with yourself to be the generative force of taking a stand for what your reality is now.
We can’t continue to participate in our old programs and patterns and believe that the universe will deliver us a different reality. It just doesn’t work like that. What you accept is what you will get, point-blank.
Step Number Five – Expand Yourself
Comfort zones are never comfortable. If we stay stuck in comfort zones, then we are not growing. Of course, we stay in a comfort zone because we have a fear of expansion. And there may be many traumas deep in your DNA, which are even survival programs, such as ‘if I try to expand to be fully myself, I may fail or I may be targeted, or even annihilated.’
You may think I am kidding, but I’m not. I can’t tell you the amount of people I have worked on with Quanta Freedom Healing (NARP) who have come up with these deep powerful programs which are stopping them from moving forward into the life that they really want to live.
The easy and powerful way to defeat these is to use Quantum tools to go inside and find these opposing limiting beliefs, load them up and release them and replace them. Then you will easily flow into your desires with confidence and without the powerful emotional resistance that has been holding you back.
As a Thriver, I love to expand. This is one of the most powerful ways I’ve challenged and grown myself by stretching into areas, trajectories, and experiences that I could never access in my previous reality because it was riddled with trauma.
I can’t tell you the joy it is to get free on an inner level so that you can fully shine, glow and expand on any level. Because this is where the juicy, incredible stuff in life really is.
Step Number Six – Connect To Your Purpose
One of the most beautiful things that we can ever do to live a healthy life is to connect to our true mission and purpose.
All of us are here for some divine purpose. I totally believe those of us who have gone through narcissistic abuse are here for an incredible purpose. We are all angels, spirits who have been submerged into an experience of extreme darkness and trauma, in order to release the trauma out of our Inner Beings, not just for ourselves but for all of humanity.
When we actualise our true mission of meeting and releasing the trauma, we clear the space for who we really are to start flowing through us, as us. It is then that the connection to our mission comes. It is seeking us as much as we are seeking it. When we get ourselves, our old traumas and limitations, out of the way, that is when we connect.
It is incredibly usual for Thrivers who do the work with NARP, to start getting the inspiration within them about what it is that they truly feel passionate about doing. Many Thrivers within this community, just like myself, have found that calling. It may be similar to what I do, helping others to awaken and recover from abuse for real, and for others, it’s a completely different track.
What is vital to understand is that connecting to that truth is not possible when we’re stuck in surviving the trauma inside of us. We may think that the mission will take away the trauma, but it’s the other way round. When we take full responsibility and address the trauma ourselves, then the mission comes.
Because when that trauma is released, all of the energy that was trapped trying to survive the trauma is freed up to become pure creativity, mission and service.
This is the exhilaration and pure miracle of yourself that you will start experiencing as a result of this step.
Step Number Seven – Become Love
I believe that one of the greatest joys of Thriver recovery from narcissistic abuse is to reach the becoming of love. What I mean by this is the return to the truth.
We come home, we understand the truth about the illusions we have been fed, and the need to wake up from them. The knowing that we are all souls on journeys to release ourselves from the darkness and the trauma, to move into the truth and the light of Who We Really Are.
It is from this place of living without trauma that we see the truth that all of this, no matter how it looks, was all meant to be. To have the experiences required to lose those false aspects of ourselves, the lies, the false beliefs, the taking on thinking that we were unlovable, defective or unacceptable, and knowing that everyone who is hurt or hurting others, is still stuck in that lie.
From this place, we have acceptance, gratitude, and compassion for those still stuck in the trance. And we know that our greatest purpose, regardless of what our individual specific missions are, is to be love and to see the truth. It’s then that we let go of our righteousness, demonising and judging which only helps to cement our victimisation and powerless states.
To become love, without fear, is the coming home to the truth. This is where we are set free and we get to experience heaven on earth as we are, right here, right now.
It’s only then that the pain ends and the beauty of our life starts to unfold as the new and true belief systems that we’ve worked hard to heal ourselves back to.
If it wasn’t for the narcissistic abuse happening for us, we would never have had to effort so courageously and consistently to bring ourselves home to the truth.
I hope that these seven steps have helped inspire you to know where you are heading, and the incredible evolutionary gifts that you can claim, with Thriver recovery, after narcissistic abuse.
So, if this is where you want to go, you can get started by working with my NARP program. Join me on this incredible and spectacular journey of self and life, by clicking the link at the top right of this video.
And, if you are already a NARP member, and you are looking for the next steps after abuse to claim your highest and best life, then I’d love to introduce you to my Empowered Self course, which is going through a very powerful upgrade very shortly, which you will receive free of charge as a result of being a member.
You can check out the details of this course also by clicking this link.
Okay so I hope that this video has inspired you, and if you like my videos and you would like to be notified each time a new one is released then please subscribe to my channel. Also remember to give this a thumbs up if you liked it.
Please also share with the people you love so that you can help them wake up out of the human trance as well.
And as always, I am totally looking forward to answering your comments and questions below.
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