How Narcissistic Relationships End – Preparing For The Aftermath

How Narcissistic Relationships End – Preparing For The Aftermath


Ending a relationship with a narcissist can be very challenging. It is not like a normal breakup.

If you do know what can happen, what to expect and how to prepare yourself, then you will get through this process much faster and more easily.

I can’t wait to share how to deal with the inevitable smearing, cruel discard, and unrealistic entitlement by the narcissist and how to protect your emotional, spiritual and mental self and your precious children.



Video Transcript

Breaking up with a narcissist is not easy.

It’s nothing like the ending of a normal relationship.

If you don’t know what a narcissist is capable of, or what to expect, it will leave you reeling.

However, if you do know what can happen, what to expect and how to prepare yourself, then you will get through this process much faster and more easily.

That’s exactly what I want to help you achieve, by sharing this episode with you today.

If you really need this information, because you have already split up, or are in the split up process, or you know that you are heading towards it, please let me know in the comments below.

Okay, let’s get started on today’s episode!

This Person Won’t Care About You

For many of you, I know that this is a hugely difficult time during the coronavirus epidemic.

Many of you are still stuck with a narcissist even though maybe you were about to break up. Or you have broken up, even though you are still living together, or you know that you desperately need to break up.

Whichever case it is, or if you are still struggling in the aftermath of a breakup with a narcissist, I hope that this information can help you.

Let’s start off with how a narcissistic character rolls during and after breakups.

When dealing with a narcissist, even at the best of times, this person doesn’t think or operate like a normal human being. It’s not personal, they just don’t have the capacity to be any other way apart from it being all about them.

I can’t express to you enough how important it is to not get hung up on expecting decency, normality or sensibility when separating from a narcissist.

The narcissist is not concerned about your welfare, or how healthily you can move on after the relationship ends. According to the perpetual victimhood of narcissism, it’s actually you that has treated them abysmally and are to blame for everything.

The narcissist will want to punish you. He or she believes you need to suffer for what you’ve done.

None of this is based on rationale, and it’s not something that you can argue with the narcissist. Narcissistic reasoning can’t be reasoned with, all you can do is protect yourself against it.

When breaking up with the narcissist, make sure that you safeguard everything that you can. Many people have been shocked to discover money was taken out of bank accounts, furniture was removed and hidden, and personal items that were close to your heart were hijacked, never to be handed over.

I know that this is even more of a challenge during the times of this pandemic, but please think smart, and keep your cards close to your chest. Make your moves and secure your things in a way that the narcissist does not know about and be very careful who you tell and trust.

Narcissists are very good at keeping allies close to them.

The Inevitable Smearing

There will be incredible lies spread to all and sundry about the “terrible” person you are, and all the apparent bad things that you have done and are doing.

Not only will this information be fabricated, stretched or incomplete; it is likely to be a projection of what the narcissist did and is doing themselves.

I know this can sucker punch so hard that you wonder how you will ever recover from it. Yet, I really want to emphasise that this behaviour is completely normal for a narcissist. Expect it, and then it won’t be as much of a shock.

Let go of being mortified by these outrageous behaviours and actions, so that you don’t hook in trying to receive justice. If you react it is going to make matters so much worse for you.

It’s vital that you detach, keep releasing all of these intense feelings of trauma and injustice and keep as healthy and whole on the inside as you can.

This is the most powerful formula regarding being able to navigate what is necessary.

The less affected you are and the less you feed what is happening the stronger the position you’re in to get through this.

Being Discarded Cruelly

When relationships disintegrate in a narcissist’s life, he or she must change “the scene of the play” to appease and protect their ego.

This includes discrediting and devaluing you as now being unimportant and irrelevant. It also includes creating a “new script” and throwing the old one in the trash.

This means that you will be written out of his or her life as if you never existed.

I know of so many people, even after decades of being married to a narcissist, being discarded and treated with complete indifference and cruelty, and being completely shattered.

Especially after giving their heart, soul, allegiance and energy to this person for so long.

If this happens, please know as personal as it feels, it is just the way a narcissist operates.

My highest suggestion to you, rather than going through the agony of months or even years of the torturous emotions of this, is to turn inside and start healing and quickly get relief.

I promise you this works to get free of the most horrific trauma there is.

My NARP program will move you through the grief and devastation very quickly, which brings relief, as well as helping you be strong for what is coming ahead.

Unrealistic Entitlement

When a narcissist breaks up, he or she believes that they are entitled to as much as they can get their hands on.

This is no different to the narcissist’s behaviour and attitude anyway, which is completely self-absorbed.

Not only is the narcissist callous about how you will fare in the future, he or she believes (through any insane justification) that they should be getting the majority, if not all the goodies.

You will experience ridiculous settlement expectations and even barbaric solicitor-initiated demands.

Don’t try to cut a fair deal, because it just won’t be possible.

There are really only two options that you are left with, which is stand up and keep releasing the trauma that is being triggered and fight the fair fight legally, or be prepared to relinquish a great deal of what is rightly yours and walk away.

Only you know what will be right for you.

In the past I let go and relinquished and rebuilt, incredibly successfully, because I was able to take my soul, healing and freedom back.

However, with what I know now, I would have released the trauma and taken the narcissist legally through the courts.

I have seen so many wonderful and incredible results that Thrivers have achieved as a result of doing the inner work with NARP and then calmly and solidly taking legal action.

If you Google my name and the words “court”, “custody” and “settlement” you will find numerous resources on this topic to help you.

Throwing the New Supply in Your Face

This is one of the cruellest things that can happen, and it happens regularly with a narcissist, when your relationship ends with them.

He or she may make sure you discover the new love in their life, and paint a picture as if this person is so much better for them than you ever were.

To add insult to injury the narcissist will integrate with this person’s life and include them into theirs and quite possibly your children’s lives too, as if the life they had with you never existed.

Naturally, the trauma from being replaced with ‘new supply’ is devastating. It’s one of the worst things anyone can experience.

It is probable that you are experiencing so much trauma and shock that you couldn’t even think of beginning a new relationship. Unlike the narcissist who can move on in the time that it takes to boil an egg. It’s just what they do.

I promise you with all my heart that when you release and heal from these terrible inner traumatic feelings, you won’t care who the narcissist is with and you will be relieved that it’s not you.

NARP helps you get there very quickly and powerfully, and it’s a beautiful day when you reach this place! Take it from me. I went through this as well.

The Effect on Your Children

I know that so many of you are extremely concerned about the effect on your children, when breaking up with a narcissist.

This is a topic very dear to my heart, as it was a huge journey for me personally with my son Zac.

As a Mother, over the last decade plus, I have been deeply heart-connected to thousands of people abused by narcissists, regarding helping their children.

When breaking up with a narcissist this is a very difficult time for you and your relationship with your children, because of all the trauma that you’re experiencing. Additionally, the narcissist may be attempting to alienate you from your children.

At no time is it more vital to be able to heal and stay emotionally solid and strong. It may seem impossible to do so, especially when you feel such concern for your children as well.

I promise you that with intense and dedicated inner work it is possible.

I’d love to include several resources on this topic for you that are on the blog:

How to Help Your Children Who Are Affected By Narcissists

Parent’s Empowering Themselves For Their Children’s Sake

And …

What to do When You’re Alienated From Your Child

(For additional resources on this topic, all you need to do is google my name + children, and many more will come up for you.)

Dealing With the Aftershock

You may be stunned to discover that after leaving a narcissist, relief doesn’t come.

In fact, it is normal that the painful feelings and trauma will escalate and get worse before they get better.

People in your life may not understand this. They think … “Because you are away from this person, aren’t you supposed to be getting better now?”

Nothing could be further from the truth. What is more likely is that you will feel like you are having a cataclysmic breakdown.

In my article How to Leave The Narcissist With Your Emotions Intact I wrote this:

“‘Aftershock’ is a very real phenomenon after leaving a narcissist. When you are stuck in the fight with the narcissist you are in survival mode, and somehow that keeps you alive.

When you leave the narcissist, you will experience grave Complicated and/or Post Traumatic Stress Disorder symptoms. Not unlike a wartime survivor, the entire trauma has a chance to hit when you have got away.

The abuse from yesterday, last week, last month and last year now activates. You are also caught up in the intense mind-bending withdrawal of the addiction to the trauma.”

My greatest recommendation to you at this time is:

Don’t try to tend to your aftershock logically.

Our trauma comes from a much deeper, unconscious place within us that is operating below the level of the logical mind. It needs to be met at a body, somatic level, in order to be released from it.

So many people, myself included, found powerful and quick relief as a result of releasing the trauma from our cellular Inner Beings.

By removing the horrific panic, fight and flight, and all of the obsessive feelings including longing and regret, this grants an emotional platform to find a way up and out of the abuse and into our new and true life.

I promise you, just like coronavirus, this horribly stressful time CAN pass.

You will get through this, and myself and this community stand with you and for you to help you do that.

Those of you who are interested in learning more about NARP, and what Quanta Freedom Healing can do for you, I’d love you to join me in my upcoming free Masterclass which is on Wednesday the 29th of April, where you can learn the deeper Quantum Truths about healing for real, and how they have liberated thousands of people, just like you, into abuse free Thriving lives.

You can sign up to my free Masterclass by clicking this link.

I can’t wait to join with you, for profound healing there!

And as always, I look forward to answering your comments and questions below.



giving my power away

Codependency in the Aftermath of Divorce: Why Are You Still Giving Your Power Away?

giving my power away


There are many ways to describe Codependency, but for the sake of intimate relationships, I will use this one. This definition was given by Scott Wetzler, Ph.D., “Codependent relationships signify a degree of unhealthy clinginess, where one person doesn’t have self-sufficiency or autonomy. One or both parties depend on their loved one for fulfillment.”

I believe we are all codependent when we are not standing in our truth. When we don’t know who we are we look to those closest to us, in this case, our partner, to fulfill our own needs: financially, emotionally, mentally, and physically.  That’s a tall order! Imagine one person having the job of making you happy? This is like saying your partner is your one-stop-shop for meeting all your needs, and when they don’t meet all your needs because that is an impossible undertaking, you create toxic expectations.

The truth is nobody can make you happy. Nobody can “complete you.” Sure there are some people that like having a codependent relationship, but typically it’s because they want power over you.  Eventually, the soul craves freedom; freedom to be who you are, and if it doesn’t get that freedom, fulfillment will never come.

So why bring up codependency in the aftermath of divorce? Because how you do anything is how you do everything. If you were codependent in your marriage you will still be codependent in divorce. You may still be very codependent with your ex-spouse. Most marriages do not come to an end consciously on their own, many times one of the parties doesn’t even want to divorce. They may not know who they are without their partner, because their identity is tied to who they were as a couple.  This is by definition what it means to lack autonomy…”I don’t know who I am without you.”    

I get it. I started dating my partner when we were teenagers. We were just kids. We had no idea who we even were yet. We were together for 19 years. It was as if we had morphed into the same being.  It was not until my mid-thirties that my soul craved autonomy. It craved to know who it was, apart from being a wife and a mother.  I had no idea who I was because I depended on my partner to carry me…to carry us. It was unfair, not only to him but to my spirit.

It didn’t stop there. Even in the aftermath of divorce, I was still codependent. There I was, wanting out of this marriage, craving the freedom to be who I was, yet still giving my power away.  This was so subtle that the naked eye couldn’t even catch it. 

I needed him to make me feel significant, I needed him to validate me as a good mother, I needed him to respect me, I needed him to know that I was capable of being on my own, and I needed him to know that I was powerful.


This was the energy I was giving him, the power I was giving away as if I was screaming to the universe that I wasn’t enough.  I was saying that I needed someone else in order to feel worthy, in order to be fulfilled. How was it that I needed someone so much that I was trying to separate from? It was the ultimate contradiction.  My soul needed autonomy, yet my ego needed validation to feel worthy. It was a need that was impossible to fill by someone else.

This energy was the ignitor for a tug-of-war throughout my divorce, and it kept me energetically attached…it kept us attached. This is what it means to be physically divorced but still energetically married…to be energetically attached to a person you were previously bonded with intimately.  Your souls connected at one point, and in divorce, it doesn’t disappear after signing divorce papers. This takes awareness. I talk about this in more detail here are-you-divorced-but-still-feel-like-you-are-energetically-married

I finally realized all the ways in which I was giving my power away, and what I needed to do in order to reclaim it. You know when you are no longer codependent when you are no longer triggered, and they no longer have the power to bring you to your knees. When nothing anyone does, says or takes away causes you to react any longer.  No more energy is given away, no more power is handed over carelessly. You begin to start remembering who you are, and you remember how powerful you are.

I was done playing tug-of-war.  I spent too many years holding onto that rope so tight that letting go felt like absolute freedom to my soul.  It was a freedom that I never knew existed but internally remembered it as my true essence. Freedom came from knowing that I didn’t need anyone to make me feel worthy and that it was time to rediscover who I was and what I was capable of in this lifetime.  This came from slowly disconnecting to what was taking my power away and reconnecting to myself, to my truth.

The post Codependency in the Aftermath of Divorce: Why Are You Still Giving Your Power Away? appeared first on Divorced Moms.


Divorce Tip Tuesday: The Aftermath Of Divorce From a Narcissist

Divorce Tip Tuesday: The Aftermath Of Divorce From a Narcissist

The Aftermath Of Divorce From a Narcissist

If you’re divorced from a narcissist you know that the conflict has continued after your divorce was finalized. Divorce doesn’t put an end to the irrational behavior of a narcissist. In fact, divorce ramps it up and causes him to become worse.

And his ramped up narcissistic behavior can have you constantly spinning your wheels, living in a state of increased stress and responding in ways that aren’t healthy for you.

If you don’t learn how to respond to your narcissistic ex’s irrational behavior in a productive way, it can have severe emotional and physical consequences. And, most women don’t know how to respond to and process the constant conflict experienced after divorce from a narcissist.

3 Mistakes Women Make After Divorce From a Narcissist

1. Have Unreasonable Expectations

  • They expect him to be reasonable and rational.
  • They expect him to care about their situation.
  • They expect him to do what is in their children’s best interest.

2. Believe They Can Fix the Problem

Narcissists target empaths, empaths are natural problem solvers and fixers. If you were married to a narcissist you probably spent years trying to fix the problems in the marriage. If you’re divorced from a narcissist, you’ll have the same inherent urge to fix the conflict between the two of you. It is, after all, the way you’re wired. How do “fixers” try to fix the conflict? Below are 2 examples.

  • They justify their position. They believe that if they defend and justify their position on an issue or their needs they will eventually make him understand and “come around.” Nothing could be further from the truth! Trying to get him to understand their point of view on any issue is just added work and stress to an already untenable situation.
  • They roll over and play nice doggy. They believe that if they give respect they will eventually get respect. What they don’t realize is, by playing nice doggy they are showing the narcissistic ex that they are vulnerable…that they need something from him. All this does is open the door for more emotional punches from the narcissist!

3. Fail to Understand the Emotional and Physical Harm Done by His Narcissistic Behavior

Narcissists are conflict generators. In the aftermath of divorce from a narcissist, if a woman doesn’t respond to the narcissist’s behavior in a manner that is healthy for her, she doesn’t have the opportunity to process her emotions and recover before the next onslaught of conflict.

She’ll find herself in a constant state of hypervigilance. She’ll be constantly on guard because she knows he will cause another conflict for her to deal with. She lives her life waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Living in constant state of fear and hypervigilance does both physical and emotional harm to the victim of a narcissist. What she is actually dealing with is trauma on an ongoing basis and, if not relieved can turn into Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

What are the Symptoms of Ongoing Trauma?


  • Pain disorders
  • Fatigue
  • Somatoform disorders
  • Problems sleeping
  • Menstrual problems
  • Gastrointestinal problems, just to name a few.


  • Unhealthy coping strategies. Working too much as a distraction. Using drugs or alcohol to relieve stress.
  • Anxiety and panic attacks.
  • Depression and agitation.
  • Irritability
  • Compulsive/impulsive behaviors

In other words, if a woman isn’t responding to an irrational, narcissistic ex in a healthy manner she’ll end up with far more problems than a bully of an ex.

Below are 4 tips for healthy responses/interactions with a narcissistic ex. 

1. Communicate Via Email Only

No in-person communication, text communication or phone communication! It’s acceptable to nod and say hello if in the presence of the ex but keep all communication about post-divorce issues strictly to email. Doing so gives you written proof should any issues turn into legal problems.

Using email also gives you the opportunity to back away from the computer and not respond immediately. To gather yourself emotionally and your thoughts. Remember, you don’t want to get drawn into conflict, you want to avoid conflict. The best way to do that is keep a rational head and not engage or allow him to push your buttons.

2. Lowered Expectations

If you expect the worst from someone you’re not going to be upset when that is what you receive. Expect NOTHING from a narcissistic ex!

3. Stop Trying to Fix Things

You aren’t MacGyver. You’re not going to be able to fix a problem you aren’t causing no matter how hard you try or how much faith you have in yourself to tackle that task. He is never going to negotiate fairly with you. He is never going to return respect, no matter how much you shower him with. Please, for your own wellbeing, stop believing that if you can only say or do the right thing, he’ll change. He won’t!

4. Check in With Your Emotions

It’s important to stay mindful of your emotional state. If you’re living in a constant state of stress and fear make sure you are doing what needs to be done to take care of yourself emotionally. If you’re feeling overwhelmed you may need something as simple as time away from the kids and stressors, you may need to seek help from a therapist in processing your stress.

When dealing with a narcissist after divorce it’s important that you choose your battles. If you choose wisely you’ll find yourself engaged in very few battles. don’t feed his need to control you via conflict by responding in an unhealthy manner.

For more resources, check out these articles:

The post Divorce Tip Tuesday: The Aftermath Of Divorce From a Narcissist appeared first on Divorced Moms.