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child support

Paying Child Support & Alimony During COVID-19

child support

By Jadelyne Long
Litigation Attorney, Cordell & Cordell

Companies are laying off and furloughing employees across the county, with those furloughed unsure that they will be employed after the stay-at-home order is lifted in their state. These are common concerns many of our clients at Cordell & Cordell have presented us with due to the COVID-19 crisis.

With these worries, they may not have jobs to return to and consequently, they will not be able to pay their child support and/or alimony obligations. The unemployment rates in the past month have skyrocketed, all due to COVID-19.

If you are experiencing any of this, know that you have options, and we are here to help. Keep in mind that I am licensed in the state of Florida, so any tips are based on my legal experiences in that state.

I was furloughed from my employer for the next few months and cannot make payments during this time. What do I do?

Unfortunately, your child support and/or alimony obligations do not automatically stop if you can no longer afford to pay them. Additionally, if you do not pay child support, you can be held in contempt of court, your driver’s license can be suspended, you might be ordered to pay a purge amount or lump-sum payment, or a warrant can be issued for your arrest. These obligations continue unless and until they are modified by a court order.

If you are experiencing hardship and an inability to pay your child support or alimony obligation contact a family law attorney, like those at Cordell & Cordell. An attorney can help you with navigating your options to protect your interests in court.

The courts still are open and remotely conducting hearings. A motion can be filed requesting for a temporary abatement or hold, of your obligations during this time. You still should pay what you can during this time to show the court that you are making a good faith attempt to pay and not completely avoiding your court ordered obligation. If you can pay something, do it.

I was laid off from my job and cannot make the support obligations. I have applied for unemployment. What can I do?

To change or modify your obligation you must show a substantial change in the circumstances that were not foreseen at the time the original agreement or order was entered. If your circumstances become permanent and you are laid off, you can seek to modify your child support and/or alimony obligation by filing for a modification. However, the request for the modification only can be made from the time you filed for the modification.

Therefore, any changes cannot be retroactively made to the day you filed for the modification. For example, if you lost your job last month, but wait two months to file for a modification, the court only can modify your payments from the date you filed the modification, even though your income significantly was reduced two months prior.

Again, it always is suggested that you pay what you can, even if that means a portion of your unemployment income. Unemployment compensation also is considered income for purposes of calculating child support. You also should make an attempt to seek new employment and maintain record keeping of all job applications submitted as proof of your efforts.

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Unemployment & Slowdown: COVID-19’s Impact on Divorce and Dads

Unemployment & Slowdown: COVID-19’s Impact on Divorce and Dads

The COVID-19 pandemic has left more than 30 million people unemployed. The financial hardship is even tougher if you are going through a divorce during this tumultuous time.

There are millions of divorced dads who can no longer afford
their child support or alimony payments because the pandemic has wrecked their
finances. Perhaps even more concerning is the number of fathers losing access
to their children because of custody exchange complications during stay-at-home
orders.

On April 30, Cordell
& Cordell
hosted a Virtual Town featuring a panel of divorce lawyers
from across the United States who answered questions from viewers about the
divorce issues they are facing during this unprecedented time.

How to file for
divorce during COVID-19

The Coronavirus has closed many family courts, but that does
not mean there is no way to move forward with divorce.

Although you might not be able to appear in court for
in-person hearings and court appearances, you should still be able to file.

“In Florida, the courts are closed to the general public,
meaning that you can’t walk into the court and file an action, unless it’s an
emergency,” Cordell & Cordell Florida Litigation Manager Marc
Cohen
said. “But they are open, in terms of us [attorneys] being
able to file actions, being able to get hearings before judges.”

How to modify support
orders during COVID-19

One of the biggest problems divorced fathers are encountering
is that their income has been dramatically reduced because of the pandemic and
they can no longer afford child support or alimony.

In those instances, it is important to file for a
modification as soon as possible.

“Whether you are looking to modify support or maintenance,
due to a job loss or you’re just starting out on a divorce, it becomes
especially important to modify if you’re now collecting unemployment and you
have had a significant decrease in your income,” Cordell & Cordell Regional
Partner Bridget Landry
said.

“In Minnesota, the support modification, which includes
spousal maintenance or alimony, and child support, are retroactive from the
date they are served. So, if already have a decrease in income, it’s very
important to get that motion served, as soon as possible, because even though
your court date may not be a month, or two, or three from now, the
retroactivity will go back to the date of service.”

The courts are unlikely to cut you any slack if you fall
behind on payments, even if it was because of the pandemic.

“When you say to judges ‘Well, it was Coronavirus. I didn’t
do anything,’ it’s not going to be an excuse,” Cordell & Cordell
CEO/Managing Partner Scott Trout
said. “We want to give the judge the maximum latitude across the country, where
ever you may be, to make that order retroactive and apply toward payments that
you couldn’t make.”

Extramarital affairs
during COVID-19

The Virtual Town Hall also briefly touched on the topic of
infidelity during the pandemic and how that can impact the divorce process. An
affair can potentially affect how much alimony is owed. At a time when the
economy is reeling, and employment is tough to come by, that determination can
end up being very costly.

“New York, like many states, is considered no fault, which
means you don’t have to show that somebody had an affair, in order to get a
divorce,” Cordell & Cordell New York Litigation Manager Asa
Neff
said. “But it is certainly taken into consideration for a lot
of purposes. It can have a financial impact, certainly if you are spending
money on an extramarital affair. If that’s found out, a judge can order that
that money come back in and have to be redistributed and repaid to the marital
estate.

“If there are issues of custody in a case, a judge is going
to look at your behavior and make a decision about whether or not that should
impact the time you’re going to have with your children.”

Child custody during
COVID-19

The top issue divorcing men are struggling with during the
Coronavirus might be sorting through child custody exchanges while still
following quarantine and stay-at-home orders.

Some dads fear traveling with their children for custody drop-offs
will risk exposing them to the virus. Other fathers are missing out on parenting
time because their ex is withholding custody and using the virus as an excuse.

During the Virtual Town Hall, Cordell & Cordell Regional
Partner Erica Gittings
explained steps to take when debating whether to withhold your child and refuse
to give up custody during the pandemic. She suggested providing written
communication expressing your worries to the other parent and documenting your
actions during this time.

“Document what you are doing to make sure that you are
following all of the Governor’s orders for your state and making sure you’re
following all of the social distancing requirements,” Ms. Gittings said. “Also
make sure to document any evidence you may have that your co-parent is not
following the isolation orders or the social distancing orders.”

She also emphasized the importance of consulting with your
divorce attorney before proceeding with any actions outside the guidelines laid
out in your custody order.

“In the state of Wisconsin, we have the statute, a motion to
enforce placement, and if you withhold the children and the court finds out
that it was intentional and unreasonable, you could be subjected to paying the
other side’s attorney’s fees,” she said. “So it is important to put all of your
ducks in a row, in order to show the courts your concerns, which are real and
are expressed appropriately, and that you’re taking the right steps.”

Proactiveness is key

Repeatedly, the attorneys stressed the importance of being
proactive on family law matters during this time.

Always document any interactions you might have with your ex
regarding co-parenting. Pay what you can in child support and alimony. Stay up
to date on the guidelines your state and local governments provide – especially
as it relates to custody exchanges and modification issues. And contact your divorce attorney
when you are uncertain how to proceed.

The post Unemployment & Slowdown: COVID-19’s Impact on Divorce and Dads appeared first on Dads Divorce.

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Cordell & Cordell Hosting Virtual COVID-19 and Divorce Town Hall

Cordell & Cordell Hosting Virtual COVID-19 and Divorce Town Hall

image promoting COVID-19 and divorce town hall

Transitioning through the divorce process while simultaneously navigating all the challenges presented by the COVID-19 pandemic is placing mounting pressure on men and fathers across the Unites States. Guys are facing unique dilemmas regarding family law issues such as child custody, child support, alimony, and more.

To help educate and guide these individuals during this
trying time, DadsDivorce sponsor Cordell & Cordell is expanding its
Coronavirus digital outreach efforts to men by introducing free weekly “town
hall” meetings at 1 p.m. CT on Thursdays. Due to the live nature of the event,
the exact time may change. Registrants will be alerted to any time changes.

The virtual town hall meetings will utilize online video and chat technology, allowing participants to participate in an interactive Q&A format on the Coronavirus and its effect on family law. Complete the registration form below to register for the town hall.

Cordell & Cordell’s Executive/Managing Partner and CEO,
Scott Trout, will host the virtual townhall and give insight into the major
issues facing families with a panel of Cordell & Cordell divorce lawyers
from across the U.S.

The participants in the virtual town hall can submit
20-second-or-less in duration pre-recorded video questions for the panelists to
answer during the meeting. Pre-recorded video questions can be submitted via
email at Coronavirus.Divorce@cordelllaw.com.

Since March, Cordell & Cordell began their COVID-19 digital outreach by
producing a series of free webinars and daily podcasts, all of which can be
viewed and listened to on the Cordell
& Cordell Divorce and COVID-19 Information Hub
.

The webinars have been hosted by Cordell & Cordell divorce attorneys from
around the United States answering questions about how COVID-19 is impacting
divorce and child custody issues. The range of topics covered relevant to
divorced fathers have included:

  • Practical tips to ensure the safety and well-being of your children.
  • Child custody issues such as how to arrange custody exchanges while quarantined.
  • The financial fallout of COVID-19 such as what to do if you can no longer afford alimony or child support.
  • How to deal with parental alienation issues when quarantine and shelter-in-place rules are used to keep children away from the other parent purposefully.
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COVID-19 & Divorce: Rising Divorce Rates and Media Coverage

COVID-19 & Divorce: Rising Divorce Rates and Media Coverage

As the COVID-19 pandemic has continued, courts across the country have been forced to close because of quarantine and stay-at-home orders. That has left many guys in a state of flux who are in the middle of a divorce or child custody case and are not sure how to move forward.

In Cordell & Cordell’s April 23 webinar in the firm’s series
on divorce during COVID-19, divorce attorneys discussed this topic, how
technology is being utilized by divorce courts, how mediation might be a viable
option during this time, and more.

As the Cordell & Cordell divorce lawyers explained, your
case does not need to pause completely during the pandemic.

Utilizing technology
in divorce during COVID-19

With stay-at-home orders being implemented across the United
States, family courts have turned to technology to keep some cases moving
forward.

“In Illinois, we’re seeing a gradual progression to digitizing the court system and making the courtrooms available to people who can’t access the physical courtrooms,” said Cordell & Cordell Illinois Litigation Attorney Leander Gorski. “It has been a very slow process, but we’ve been starting to see more and more counties across the state open up for Zoom hearings, telephonic hearings, pretrial conferences, and things like that.”

Cordell & Cordell’s divorce lawyers also suggested some
guys might find it helpful to try mediation during this time.

Divorce mediation

When it comes to
mediation, it really is an alternative for guys that are, right now, in the
middle of a divorce,” said Cordell & Cordell CEO, Executive/Managing
Partner Scott Trout.
“They can’t get to court, unless it’s an emergency, so many of them think
‘There’s nothing I can do.’ But what we can do is some informal mediation.”

Divorce mediation can save you thousands of dollars and it
can help simplify important aspects of your divorce regarding the division of
assets, parenting plans, child support, and spousal support.

“We highly recommend to all of our clients and anyone going
through a divorce, try to resolve things amicably outside the courtroom, even
when there’s not a pandemic,” Gorski said. “Now with the courtrooms being
closed, now’s a great opportunity to do those things.

“You don’t need to get into a shared conference room to make
that happen. There’s a lot of technology that’s available to everyone to make
that happen.”

Be prepared

Even if you forgo mediation, there are still important steps
you can take to ensure that your case moves forward more quickly. That does
involve some work on your end, though.

“Things we’re looking for when we start a divorce case are
financial records of the family, the assets, debts, and spending, so those
looking to file can take this time to gather that information for us,” said
Cordell & Cordell Litigation Partner Bridget Landry.

Do your homework

If you are facing a separation from your child as a result
of the pandemic, learn what your state’s laws are regarding child custody
during quarantine and shelter-in-place orders. Most states are classifying
travel for custody exchanges as essential.

“What is important for fathers to know about North
Carolina’s stay-at-home order, is that it specifically permits travel related
to custodial exchange,” said Cordell & Cordell North Carolina Senior Lead
Litigator Kara Goodman.
“So if the mother of your children is telling you, ‘We’re ordered to stay at
home. We can’t travel, so you don’t get to see the kids this weekend,’ that
certainly is not the case.”

“I would encourage all fathers to take a look at your
state’s stay-at-home, to make sure that you understand what is permitted and
what is not.”

Cordell & Cordell is continuing to produce daily content addressing the most frequently asked questions about divorce during COVID-19. For more information, visit the Cordell & Cordell Divorce and COVID-19 Information Hub.

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COVID-19 and Divorce Information Hub

Cordell & Cordell Launches COVID-19 and Divorce Information Hub

COVID-19 and Divorce Information Hub

The COVID-19 pandemic has dramatically altered day-to-day life across the globe. As the virus has spread and communities have shut down due to quarantine and shelter-in-place orders, more dads are facing questions about how the pandemic will impact their divorce or child custody situation.

Fathers across the country have questions about family law matters that have a tremendous effect on their lives. In an effort to guide dads through this uncertain time, Cordell & Cordell divorce attorneys have produced a series of weekly webinars and podcasts addressing some of the most frequently asked questions, including:

  • How will parenting time and visitation impacted
    during stay-at-home orders?
  • Is it possible to file for divorce when family
    courts are shut down because of the Coronavirus?
  • What options are available if you lose your job
    during the pandemic and can no longer afford child support or alimony?
  • How can I ensure my children are safe and
    healthy when I share custody with my ex-wife?

Cordell & Cordell CEO/Managing Partner Scott Trout talks with divorce attorneys across the country about the family law issues they are seeing arise during the pandemic. All webinars and podcast episodes can be viewed in their entirety on Cordell & Cordell’s COVID-19 Information Hub. This resource center is designed to be a go-to source covering all the ways in which the pandemic is factoring into family law issues.

Much uncertainty still lies ahead, but these webinars and
podcasts will help educate you and give you the information you need to make
responsible decisions that help protect you and your loved ones.

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Coronavirus divorce webinar

Cordell & Cordell Continuing Weekly COVID-19 And Divorce Webinar Series

Coronavirus divorce webinar

Cordell & Cordell is hosting a free webinar series, titled “Can the Coronavirus Affect Custodial Rights? How Divorces And Parenting Time May Be Impacted” for individuals dealing with unprecedented issues involving the Coronavirus (COVID-19) pandemic and their divorce or child custody situations.

The series will air at 1 p.m. CT, Thursdays and will feature Cordell & Cordell attorneys answering questions about how the Coronavirus is impacting family law issues. The firm’s first Coronavirus family law webinar aired Thursday, March 26 and is available here.

The first webinar covered a range of topics relevant to
divorced fathers, such as:

  • Practical tips to ensure the safety and
    well-being of your children.
  • Child custody issues such as how to arrange
    custody exchanges while quarantined.
  • The financial fallout of COVID-19 such as what
    to do if you can no longer afford alimony or child support.
  • How to proceed with your divorce if family
    courts are closed due to the virus

With the uncertainty caused by the Coronavirus pandemic, it is vital to stay informed and prepare as much as possible for what lies ahead. This weekly webinar series will ensure that you are educated and in position to make decisions to help protect yourself and your loved ones.

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when leaving a narcissist

5 Mistakes I Made When Leaving a Narcissist & How You Can Avoid Them

when leaving a narcissist

 

Whatever mistakes, miscalculations, or bad decisions there are to be made in leaving a narcissist, I made them.

After sixteen years with a man whom I’d built a life with, had children with, and thought I knew, I made the naïve assumption that I could predict what ending our life together and getting divorced would look like. I counted on his promises of the past to stay true in the future.

Even during the last few years of the marriage when I had to deal more with the evil Mr. Hyde than the good Dr. Jekyll, even after uncovering his double life that revealed his predatory nature for girls less than half his age, I still relied on our shared history as a couple to see me through.

My greatest error arose from my inability to wrap my head around the fact that there are people in this world who lack any sense of empathy, decency, or integrity, and who will stand back with a smirk on their face, holding a bucket of water that they have no intention of using while watching those who love them the most burn in pain.

Believing this to be an exaggeration and that no one could possibly be guilty of purposely inflicting pain on their own loved ones is the first mistake I made. Then it was a downward spiral of my shattered expectations as I learned the hard way that, yes, there are people in this world who will not only smile as they watch you fall and suffer, but will spin the story to such a point that they’ll say you deserved it.

Those people are called narcissists.

And if you’re involved with one, wanting to leave or in the process of leaving one, here are the top five mistakes to avoid. Doing so certainly won’t erase the pain of separation or divorce but will definitely lessen it if your eyes are wide open since then you won’t risk the heartbreak from bombshells that every narcissist is capable of dropping.

5 Mistakes I Made When Leaving a Narcissist

Mistake #1: Believing a narcissist will be a good person and play fair

Every phone call, every email I got from my attorney left me in a state of shock and awe upon hearing what my ex was attempting to get away with or accusing me of. Since I believed what my ex told me prior to filing for divorce, such as that he would make sure our kids and I would be taken care of financially and I wouldn’t have to worry, each realization of what he was actually up to left me reeling as if I’d been sucker-punched that landed me on the floor, of which I couldn’t get up from during the entire divorce process.

How to avoid my mistake?

See them for who they really are and not who you always wanted them to be. Drop the illusions you still carry, such as that they’ll change or they’d never hurt you. No need to be cynical, but crucial to be prepared. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst.

Mistake #2: Choosing any lawyer to represent you

Because of the fragile emotional state I was in at the time and my desperation to get the divorce over with, I did not vet my lawyer. I did not ask any questions and trusted that he would do a good job of representing me. I assumed (because he was a lawyer) that he would know the difference between fair and unfair, that he would hold my ex accountable in disclosing assets, and would advocate for me and my children to his best ability.

My lawyer always talked a big game when we were planning how to respond to my ex’s obvious skirting of the law and the abuse he still inflicted (such as cyberstalking me, stealing my identity, and hacking into my emails), then at the last minute would pull away from any previous plan and encourage me to settle.

His strategy-switching gave me whiplash. And it always coincided with running through another big retainer I’d paid, which disappeared quickly when I was being charged even if I only spoke to his legal secretary for two minutes on the phone (she called once to ask my address, which I gave and then we hung up, for which I was charged a quarter-hour of my attorney’s rate: $75).

How to avoid my mistake?

Interview attorneys. Ask them if they have experience in high-conflict divorces with abusive personalities. Ask them if they know how a narcissist operates. Go with your gut and don’t be pressured into hiring a lawyer you don’t feel completely safe with or whose methods you question. Remember, a lawyer has the ability to make or break you in a divorce. Make sure you choose wisely.

Mistake #3: Letting your emotions make decisions for you

It is a fact that women tend to look at divorce from an emotional perspective. And why wouldn’t we? When we’re heartbroken or disillusioned or escaping abuse, we can’t help but be emotional about our lives as we knew them ending, sometimes going down in a huge ball of flames. However, in general, men look at divorce from a business standpoint and remove emotion from the process (not all men, of course).

And men who are true narcissists take it even further – to them, it’s war. You’re the enemy. And therefore, you must be defeated. Because I couldn’t help but be overwhelmed by my pain, and unable to truly begin any healing process while still in the midst of the divorce, I couldn’t make those important decisions for my future since I was unable to see even the day after the next through my tears. Meanwhile, a narcissist lacking any empathy or compassion, to begin with, will exploit the weakness of another and chalk it up to the necessities of war.

How to avoid my mistake?

Given the fact that most men, especially fathers, come out far better off financially after divorce than women, who tend to see their incomes drop by over a third, it’s imperative that those emotions are put aside for the time it takes to legally separate. Cry, cuss, and rage all you want (if only I had a dollar for every f-bomb I dropped during my divorce) but leave your heart out of it and use only your mind when figuring out those details that will determine how you’ll fare long after those divorce papers are signed.

Mistake #4: Giving in and saying Uncle when you’re too tired to go on

Narcissists are like wolves (no offense to actual wolves who act only out of instinct and not out of any innate desire to persecute those who do them wrong). Their success depends on their ability to exhaust you and wear you down to the point where you stop running, lose your strength, and eventually surrender.

Because I didn’t have a good lawyer to encourage me not to waive my rights or what I was entitled to, I quickly became so drained that I lost all my nerve and gusto to stand up for myself. I gave up and gave in, and because of that I’m still experiencing the effects financially all these years later.

How to avoid my mistake?

Understand that a narcissist is trying to wear you down on purpose so that you’ll give up and give in. Trust me when I say that once you’ve recovered and regained your strength later down the line, you’ll regret it if you do throw your hands up during the divorce and give up in any way whatsoever.

Mistake #5: Underestimating how low a narcissist will go.

Check. Double check. I underestimated my ex to such an extent that I paid for it severely not only with my financial well-being but my emotional health as well since every time I was knocked to the ground by the things he would say or do, eventually I just stayed there huddled up in a ball waiting for the next blow.

How to avoid my mistake?

Think of the lowest possible thing that someone could do to another. Got it in your head? Good, because a narcissist will go lower. So brace yourself and gird those loins for this moment to come.

I wish I could tell you that today I have zero regrets for the mistakes I made when I left (escaped is more like it) and filed for divorce from a narcissist. However, since I’m still paying for those mistakes today it’s hard to not beat myself up every so often.

But then I remind myself lovingly and patiently that I didn’t know. I barely knew anything about narcissists at the time let alone what divorcing one would be like. And I didn’t know how to choose a lawyer. Nor did I feel empowered to stand up for me after so many years of being emotionally beaten down. So when I start kicking my own ass about “what I should have done instead,” I remind myself how far I’ve come despite all the difficulty and trauma of my past.

As Michelangelo said at the ripe old age of 87, “I am still learning.”

And I hope by sharing my own lessons, you are still learning too.

The post 5 Mistakes I Made When Leaving a Narcissist & How You Can Avoid Them appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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what drives men to cheat

Emotional & Sexual Infidelity: What Drives Men To Cheat

what drives men to cheat

 

Webster’s defines infidelity as unfaithfulness to the marriage vow or contract; a violation of the marriage contract by adultery. If you have ever been the victim of a cheating husband, you know it is much more.

Infidelity is the breaking of trust that has negative consequences in every area of your life. The first step in surviving a husband’s infidelity is being able to rationalize and understand the actions that have caused so much harm.

There are two types of infidelity, sexual infidelity, and emotional infidelity:

Sexual Infidelity:

Sexual infidelity, as its name suggests, refers to sexual activities that are engaged in with someone other than one’s spouse. Activities that constitute sexual infidelity include all forms of physical intimacy, from kissing to sexual intercourse.

Emotional Infidelity:

Emotional infidelity refers to becoming emotionally involved with someone other than one’s spouse. Dr. Seth Meyers, a Licensed Clinical Psychologist, describes emotional infidelity as “behavior that one partner engages in that fosters emotional intimacy in the here-and-now and sometimes promotes the possibility of sexual intimacy in the future.”

It all sounds fairly simple, huh? Either your husband did the hanky panky with someone else or he has put someone else’s emotional needs before your emotional needs. If you’ve been on the receiving end of either, the need to understand runs a bit deeper, doesn’t it?

It has been my experience, after coaching many women who were victims of infidelity, that the roots of the infidelity can generally be traced back to one of three underlying causes.

What Drives Men To Cheat

Fear:

Men who suffer emotional injuries during childhood are more likely to cheat on a spouse. Emotional childhood injuries may cause a fear of intimacy, a fear of commitment, and a fear of being unworthy of love.

If your husband has had problems with attaching himself to you intimately, was commitment-phobic, and suffers from low self-esteem, these traits probably played a role in his infidelity.

Loneliness:

Some men cheat because of the sense of loneliness they feel in the marriage. Usually, this type of man is not able to fully engage with his wife. He doesn’t fully participate in the relationship and is a sitting duck for any woman who can give him the companionship he feels is missing in his marriage.

Anger:

Are you married to a conflict avoider — a man who thinks that any show of disappointment by you is an affront to the relationship?

According to Emily M. Brown, author of Affairs: A Guide to Working Through the Repercussions of Infidelity, the conflict avoider is “terrified to be anything but nice for fear that conflict will lead to abandonment.” They don’t have a way to stand up to their spouse where there are marital problems, so the problems go unresolved and the marriage erodes.

This guy acts as if he is happy, everything is coming up roses and all the while, he is seething with anger inside. He is angry because you poked fun at his bald spot. We all know that a woman who truly loves her husband would never poke fun or so he believes.

He is angry because you failed to pick up his dry cleaning. You will be the last to know how angry he is, though, because of his skewed belief that his marriage is perfect and perfection means putting a lid on anger.

He doesn’t even realize how angry he is until he meets a woman who would never poke fun at his bald spot and never forget to pick up his dry cleaning. Not until she got comfortable in the relationship, anyway. Once she becomes comfortable and turns into a normal human being, he can go back to repressing anger again.

Whatever drives a man to cheat, be it fear, loneliness, or anger, it is important to know that the decision to cheat was his. Infidelity has nothing to do with a shortcoming on the part of his wife.

There are many things a wife can do to improve the quality of her marriage.

There is absolutely nothing she can do that will guarantee with 100 percent certainty that her husband will never cheat.

She can know though with 100 percent certainty that if he does cheat it is about him and whatever issues he is dealing with.

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The Empowered Empath: Mastering Boundaries, Emotions & More!

The Empowered Empath: Mastering Boundaries, Emotions & More!

 

Boundaries are everything – especially if you are an Empath!

Being an Empowered Empath means that you care for yourself and others enough, to be honest. You do this to stop enabling poor behaviour and to invite people into more evolved ways of being with you.

The connection between boundaries and emotions can lead to a Thriver’s life full of prosperity and fulfillment through self and others.

Discover in this Thriver’s Life episode, Quantum Understandings and empowered ways to deal with your emotions AND do boundaries at the same time.

 

 

Video Transcript

Welcome to the Thriver’s Life series … the creation of your highest and best life after narcissistic abuse.

I can’t tell you how vital boundaries are.

They are everything.

Especially for Empaths.

When coupled with emotional alignment they literally carve out the life that you desire – piece by piece, and in no way do you have to compromise the health, wellbeing, and lives of others.

In fact, you offer people, through your boundaries, the opportunity to claim their own evolution and happiness.

In today’s episode, I want to talk to you about the connection with boundaries and emotions and getting clear on how to be in the driver’s seat steering towards your most prosperous, fulfilling and healthily contributing to self, life and other’s lives.

Okay, before we get started, thank you, everyone, who has subscribed to my channel and for supporting the Thriver Mission. And if you haven’t yet subscribed, I want to remind you to please do. And if you like this video, please make sure you hit the like button.

Okay, let’s dive in.

What Are Our Emotions?

Our emotions are our personal GPS signal that is letting us know what IS or ISN’T the path to our super conscious/Source intended life (true flourishing, wellbeing, love, and prosperity).

Now here is the thing – we may think that our highest super conscious life consists of ‘stuff’.

That’s not accurate at all. Our highest life is the feeling of fullness and being whole.

Then stuff can come. Stuff that is genuine and which genuinely adds more to what we are already feeling.

When you have the fullness, ‘stuff’ is an awesome bonus that we can be so grateful for, but we actually had no need for anyway.

Why am I telling you this?

Because it’s a foundational understanding that you need to know regarding boundaries and your emotions.

This is what took me a long time to realise about my emotions. I thought they were being controlled by everything outside of me and were letting me know about the state of ‘out there’. Now I know a different truth. Our emotions fundamentally are telling us how ‘whole’ we are ‘in there’.

There is no real independent ‘out there’. It’s not separated from ‘in there’.

Your greatest mission in life – number 1 – is to have whole, balanced internal emotions.

Quantumly, emotions are king or queen.

They dictate and unfold our outer experiences from in there, and as such, I discovered that with any troublesome, missing or desired issue in my life, the most powerful place I could ever create was from solidness and calm on that topic. Unconditionally – not dependent on any external evidence being presented.

Some people may call this faith.

Others may call this surrender.

I believe is it Quantum Just Isness – meaning this is your natural state.

You may think it isn’t, but it is.

What has thrown all of us off of having this as our natural state is the trauma that has been inflicted on us by the human condition – and the beliefs that we are damaged, defective and unworthy (somehow separated from God, ourselves and others).

It may feel normal to feel this trauma of separation, but in no way is it natural. It is also unnatural to have to spend your whole life trying to manage your emotions, as a result of taking on the trauma of the human condition.

Without trauma, your emotions simply balance themselves.

I promise you that once enough trauma is released, wholeness and calm just ‘is’ and you will know it as a natural state.

Then everything else becomes easy to ‘add’ onto that.

When we have dishevelled emotions and often feel sad, let down, broken, anxious and the like – it DOESN’T mean that we are defective.

It means we have internal trauma generating these emotions.

 

Methods of Dealing With Our Emotions

There are four ways we can deal with the traumas generating negative emotions.

1) Face and release the trauma and move forward into a healthy Thriver’s Life.
2) Try to manage it with ways that will quieten it down.
3) Ignore it and attempt to get on with it, or
4) Blame someone or something outside of ourselves for these emotions.

All of these things are perfectly okay, and understandable because where you are at is where you are at.

Nothing is ‘right’ or ‘wrong’. The only effective Quantum question – meaning the REAL truth that we need to be interested in is: ‘What works and what doesn’t work, regarding what I want to create in my life?’

Regarding the effectiveness of generating the true power and success of your life, the second option will cause you to feel stuck and dependent on trauma management, the third example will worsen the experience of painful emotions hijacking you randomly, and the fourth will cause more and more traumatic experiences to enter your life, compounding the original ones.

Universes away from these outcomes, the first example gives you a way out into the inner transformation and then the outer transformation of your life.

I want you to understand this more than anything – your inner emotional state needs to shift before your outer life can follow. Your life is never about changing the outer to feel different on the inner.

Because it doesn’t work.

Please know that.

Now we can move on.

How To Understand Working With Emotions PLUS Your Outer World

People ask this question, ‘So do I just work with my inner emotions and NOT do boundaries and try to change things in my outer real life?’

This is SUCH a great question.

And it’s one that took me a long time to really understand, balance out and formulate.

The truth is you do BOTH simultaneously.

But let’s dissect this with a useful example.

Let’s say that someone in your life is being abusive. Now let’s get very honest about this – ‘abusive’ is subjective. When we are on the journey of taking responsibility for our own wounds, we know that people are allowed to have opinions and their own lives and choices. These may not agree with us – yet there are things of course that are abusive, and that is what I am talking about here.

Maybe this person in your life is someone that you would love to continue a relationship with, yet there are things they do that are not okay for your health.

Here are your choices with a situation like that:

1) Make emotional peace with the way they are (of course this may not be possible or healthy if they are blatantly abusing you).

2) Invite them into a higher relationship with you, whereby you are both honest about how you feel, what you need and what is going on for you both emotionally, granting the opportunity for more communion, trust and love together.

3) After inviting them into this higher relationship with you, if they still project abuse at you and don’t have the desire or the resources to meet you there, walk away from the relationship, knowing you granted it and them an opportunity to heal and evolve.

All of these choices, 1 to 3, are intended to generate emotional peace, strength and solidness and the resolution of your troubled emotions.

If we were to consider another option, option 4, which would be to try to lecture and prescribe to this person … or, give them what you think will make them love you better … or, just continue on the same, feeling victimised, hurt and resentful – you can see how these would all be powerless acts. They are about trying to get something else to change outside of you, for you to feel better.

This only enables someone to stay stuck in their poor behaviour abusing you.

It also makes them able to sidestep personal responsibility and keep blaming you for the way they feel.

No-one gets well.

Whereas, when you take your power back and create THIS ultimate boundary with yourself, ‘I am responsible for my emotions and the choices I implement in my life to take care of my emotions healthfully’ then you truly do understand how boundaries and emotions interconnect and work.

In choices 1 to 3 it does not matter what someone else is or isn’t doing – it is ONLY important what you are choosing to do.

Now here is the other important connection between your emotional inner world and your outer choices and actions.

No amount of doing is a substitute for being.

If you were to try to just ‘forget it’ (choice 1) and get on with it with this person, then you haven’t done the inner work on what is triggering you with them and this means you are going to continue to be hurt and triggered no matter what you try to disconnect from.

With choice 2 if you haven’t done the inner work to lose the personalised feelings of being mistreated and unloved by this person, then it will be very hard to show up as calm, loving and honest with them. Rather, your words may come across as a victimised attack, or some other funky energy that is not going to generate a healthy response.

Also, you will still be attached to the outcome of ‘them getting it’ and may be deeply distressed when they don’t.

Whereas, if you do the inner work and then show up in a space of authenticity and love, this person is granted a beautiful opportunity to choose love and evolution, and if they don’t – well then you will feel no guilt and shame, rather clarity and relief in the knowing that this relationship is not your truth anymore – and that you did the right loving thing.

In choice 3 – the real letting go, if you have not done the inner work, you may be traumatised at the thought of this, and susceptible to guilt trips, smearing, hoovering and the transition out of this persons’ life may not be smooth, empowered or lasting, and could bring a host of other issues, still leaving you with unresolved emotions.

 

Simplifying Life To Make It Powerful

I want to grant you these Quantum Understandings that changed everything for me.

1) My emotional wholeness is always the first necessary ‘go-to’.

2) I am completely responsible for living my values, truths and real life, to generate my emotional wholeness. It isn’t anyone else’s job.

3) By being honest and lovingly authentic with others, I grant them the ability to awaken, heal and evolve.

4) If I blame others for how I feel, I am being a victim, forfeiting my power and will stay stuck at this point.

5) If anything or anyone hurts me, I always have the choice to a) make peace with it internally, b) invite the situation or person into a higher relationship with me and c) walk away if there is not the desire or the resources to meet me at my truth.

6) Any problems with implementing ANY of the former, means I have more inner work to do so that I do show up EMOTIONALLY authentically and powerfully, whilst DOING what I need to do.

Being Connected To All Of It

So many people may think that defining our values and truth, and being willing to walk away from people and situations that are not our truth, means that we will be isolated, alone and an island to ourselves.

That, I promise you, is so NOT true.

You are at one with ‘The All’.

Who You Really Are, is bigger than you can imagine.

If you stop living in lack, limitation and trying to ‘turn crumbs into cookies’ and instead keep generating the truth and deservedness of your expansive self, then you will enter into The Field of expanded and connected support, opportunities, love and miracles that IS your super conscious self.

I hope this inspires you.

If you’d like more help with mastering your emotions, boundaries (and so much more) then I highly recommend taking a look at my Empowered Self Course, which you can do by clicking this link.

I also have a really exciting update just around the corner which all ES course purchasers will receive for free as well… More information on this coming soon!

Okay, so after narcissistic abuse recovery, let’s evolve as far as we can, with grace and grit.

Why?

Because we CAN!

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