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How A Narcissist’s Mind Operates During A Crisis (Watch For The Hoover!)

How A Narcissist’s Mind Operates During A Crisis (Watch For The Hoover!)

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My heart goes out to all of you who are dealing with a narcissist during this pandemic, and that’s why I passionately wanted to reach out to you with this topic today!

Narcissists need a regular hit of narcissistic supply, so what happens when the narcissist can’t go about narcissistic business as usual because of uncontrollable events?

In this episode, I explain to you how self-isolation and job loss can impact their minds and affect co-parenting. Plus, how to protect yourself from nasty hoovering tactics that can impact you and your children.

 

 

Video Transcript

I’m not sure whether you realise by now that most of a narcissist’s energy is focused on how to get narcissistic supply.

So, what happens when the narcissist can’t go about narcissistic business as usual because of uncontrollable events?

Such things as a global crisis for example?

Sadly, many of you are experiencing exactly what happens in times like these.

Which is what I’m going to talk about in today’s Thriver TV episode.

But, before I get started, I’d like to thank all of you who are supporting the Thriver Mission and the real truth that we can heal for real from narcissistic abuse, as a result of subscribing to my channel.

And, I’d like to remind you that if you haven’t yet subscribed, please do so that you can help spread the word.

Alright, so let’s get going on today’s episode.

 

The Inner Gnawing Trauma

There are some people who find it difficult to spend time alone without distractions. This is always for the same reason, because of the difficulty to find peace with one’s Inner Being.

Narcissists take this discomfort to an extreme. The reason why is because their inner True Self has been discarded by the narcissist. They believe that this Inner Identity is not sufficient to cope in life. This is why there has been the construction and activation of a False Self in its place.

This False Self is always hungry. The narcissist needs the regular hit of narcissistic supply – which means the attention (good or bad it makes no difference) from outside forces to be able to bolster the narcissist’s feelings of personal significance.

The problem is this is a never-ending requirement. Because there is no True Self at the helm, the narcissist is snapped off from being able to source his or her good feelings directly through Life-Force/Source /Consciousness, in other words, his or her Higher Self.

Therefore, real and lasting feelings of peace, wholeness and well-being are impossible.

Because of this, the narcissist’s inner self-annihilating critic is always threatening to emerge, with the feedback that reminds the narcissist just how inadequate, broken, defective and unacceptable he or she is.

Narcissistic supply is the drug that the narcissist frenetically hunts and feeds on to numb out and escape the truth about him or herself. This is a relentless lifetime pursuit for a narcissist.

As we are about to examine, this situation with COVID-19 makes the obtaining of narcissistic supply extremely difficult.

 

What Self-Isolation Means to a Narcissist

Being unable to be out in the world garnishing narcissistic supply is a narcissist’s worst nightmare.

In lockdown, not only is narcissistic supply harder to come by, it also means that the narcissist is being “told what to do”.

Narcissists hate being pinned down. They hate having to follow rules and regulations, in a way that goes way over and above the normal feelings that self-isolation might bring up for people.

Narcissists believe that they are a law unto themselves, above reproach, and not answerable to anybody. To go along with the requirements for the rest of the world means that they would become just like everybody else.

This is unthinkable for a narcissist.

So, what does this time of COVID-19 amount to for a narcissist?

This …

A narcissist being HORRIBLE. He or she will be suffering horrific narcissistic injuries and narcissistic supply withdrawals constantly.

What does this mean for you?

It means that the narcissist is likely to lash out, in nasty or manipulative ways that are focused on one of two possible agendas – securing much-needed narcissistic supply, or/and spewing the viciousness of their inner-annihilating wounds all over you.

Some of you may have thought, now that this person can’t just run off and do whatever they want to do, that this would bring you closer. However, I can assure you that self-isolation with a narcissist is certainly not the “togetherness” or “team-work” that you would hope.

 

If You Are Co-parenting with a Narcissist

During this time of coronavirus, many of you have reported extremely frustrating struggles with the narcissist.

Of course, you are feeling triggered about whether this person is self-isolating or doing the right thing by your child.

The answer is, they probably aren’t.

This is where you need to go back to the absolute truth of how to deal with a narcissist.

The more that you try to get the narcissist to do the right thing, the more the narcissist will do the wrong thing – simply because it extracts so much narcissistic supply (attention) from you.

You know I say the same thing always, and currently, it is more important than ever – I can’t recommend enough that you detach, keep releasing the trauma that you’re feeling that is being activated within you and do everything in your power to be a whole, safe and healthy parent when you have your child with you.

This is only possible when you can release those feelings of being so disturbed and triggered. Additionally, what you will find is that the narcissist will desist from a lot of the behaviour and ways that he or she has been hurting you and your child when they receive zero narcissistic supply from you.

That’s the thing about narcissists, the energy expended to get narcissistic supply means that there must be a payoff to continue it. If there isn’t a payoff, then the narcissist will focus on getting narcissistic supply from somewhere else.

As many of you have discovered, my NARP Program is a powerful and effective way to reach this level of detachment.

 

A Time of Intense Hoovering

Absolutely, narcissists stuck with being with themselves, without the drama, distractions and frenetic energy of the world, are very low on narcissistic supply.

However, we know with technology being what it is, they are very capable of reaching out to people, past and present, to try to hook them up for an energetic feed again.

It’s so important, that if you are done with a narcissist and are focused on your own healing, that you block him or her. Don’t allow a hoover to get through to you.

If any communication is necessary, such as in the case of a property settlement or joint custody, then set up third party contact such as through a solicitor, or the wonderful Parallel Parenting tool Our Family Wizard.

These steps allow you to have strong boundaries around yourself, soul and life. Which means, “I am no longer available as your snack when you are in need of a feed!”

Being hoovered by a narcissist is no compliment!

To the narcissist you are a mere object, there to give the terribly insecure ego a hit to help grant the narcissist significance.  This comes at a terrible price to you. Because you are being used, there is no genuine care for you, remorse for what happened, or intention to grant you healthy or happy behaviour in the future.

You are only necessary to them so that they can siphon you out for their False Self’s energy needs, and then when that is done you are just as likely to be discarded and thrown in the gutter as you were last time.

It’s so important to understand this so that you don’t go there.

 

If the Narcissist Lost Their Job

It is likely you will be blamed, or the narcissist will play on your heartstrings to get you to financially support them. Or just simply guilt you or demand that you do.

Or, the narcissist will jump ship onto a better deal that will provide what the narcissist needs to buffer up their False Self again.

It is not likely that you will be dealing with a stable, calm, resourceful, adaptable person who takes personal responsibility for their life.

 

Shoring Yourself Up Against a Narcissist in Crisis

My heart goes out to all of you who are dealing with a narcissist during this pandemic. I know that the suffering that you are going through is indescribable.

But yet, this is a huge opportunity to up-level, even as hard as it may seem to do so.

It’s so true, in times of calamity, that we have the grist and impetus to go for our greatest growth. Because we need to!

I know that there are many of you in this amazing community who have really knuckled down into your deep inner work and are emerging stronger and stronger against narcissists as a result of this.

In many cases, this is despite everything that the narcissist is trying to throw at you.

I am so proud of you!

For those of you who don’t yet know how this is possible, and can’t even imagine getting there, I promise you with all my heart that it is possible and you can achieve this.

And, I am completely dedicated to helping you achieve this.

To help you do this, I am opening up another Free Masterclass, which I know is really needed at this time.

It is on April 29th. In this special event, I share with you real processes to get relief, take your power back and break the binds from any narcissist in your life, regardless of how much they’ve hurt or damaged you.

Even despite the predicament that you may be in right now.

Please know that if you can’t make this event live, you will receive a recording as a result of signing up, which you can watch and listen to at a time that suits you, in the comfort of your own home.

Again, this event is completely free, and I know how much it can help you.

I can’t wait to join you in it.

And as always, I look forward to answering your comments and your questions below.

 

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divorce prepared me for a crisis

How Divorce Prepared Me For a Crisis

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We don’t always see the lessons when we are knee-deep in a crisis, our only thought is, “How do I survive this storm?”

I write a lot about the storm. I’m no stranger to its devastation, and if you’ve been through a divorce, neither are you.

The Coronavirus has brought the crisis to every single home around the globe. I can’t remember any other time during my life where we were all forced to pay attention at the same time and learn how to adjust at rapid speeds.

In light of COVID-19, the brilliant author, speaker, and leader John C. Maxwell has been offering a free virtual summit on Facebook. I love his definition for the word crisis, “An intense time of difficulty requiring a decision that will be a turning point.”

Wow! This definition brought me way back to the end of my 19-year relationship…” An intense time of difficulty requiring a decision that will be a turning point.” My decision to leave my marriage was one of the most challenging decisions I have ever had to make, and it was a significant turning point in my life and the lives of my family.

When I was knee-deep in “the crisis,” it felt as if I was in total darkness, complete isolation. Talk about “social distancing.” Hundreds of people could have surrounded me, yet still, I had never felt more alone. I was in an energetic lockdown. I didn’t realize that the darkness was the pathway to my healing just yet.

The caterpillar does this so perfectly when it spins itself a cocoon before it radically transforms into a brilliant butterfly. It’s a painful process that happens without help from the outside world, but even the caterpillar has no idea what’s to come.

Amid crisis is a time to reflect, to journey within, and to sit in stillness. The stillness is where your truth lives. Collectively we are so uncomfortable with being still, which is why so many of us are going stir crazy right now. I think we feel that if we sit for too long, we may not like the feelings that flood to the surface, so we distract in the many other things that help us escape our reality.

What do you think happens when we suppress our emotions and aren’t living in our truth? It becomes a toxic environment, and that toxicity metastasizes in our body. I know, at the end of my marriage was when it showed up the most for me. It showed up as depression, anxiety, high blood pressure, and cystic acne, to name a few.

John C Maxwell also said, “Crisis reveals what is already in us.” I challenge you to look at what this time is revealing to you. What is coming to the surface is what is already below the surface. Is it fear, anxiety, depression, lack, feelings of being in this alone?

How Divorce Prepared Me for a Crisis

Einstein said, “In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity.” ‘In the middle’ is where the magic happens. In the middle is an opportunity for decision and massive action, because you are no longer going to let another day go by living a life that isn’t fulfilling you. Change happens in the cocoon, in the middle, so embrace the uncertainty.

You see, a crisis is an opportunity to dig beneath the surface and heal what is beyond the cracks. Divorce allowed me to rebuild a life on a solid foundation and not on quicksand. Quicksand will never withstand a storm.

Divorce forced me to look at my truth, the truth of who I was and who I wanted to be. In the cocoon was when I realized I was living a life that wasn’t my own, that I had neglected my spirit to make everyone else happy. I would have never lived my purpose had I not embrace the unknowing, had I not been so uncomfortable living one more day in suffering.

Divorce will not be the last crisis I face, and neither will the Coronavirus be. A crisis is part of our humanness; it’s unavoidable. I leave you with the words of Roger Crawford, “Being challenged in life is inevitable; being defeated is optional.” Do not let this defeat you, find the many lessons, and get ready to RISE.

If you would like to get on a call and take advantage of a complimentary session please reach out to me using this link below:

Reach out to Marisa now!

I would love to hear from you!

The post How Divorce Prepared Me For a Crisis appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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Co-Parenting During The Coronavirus Crisis

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co-parenting during coronavirus

 

During this unprecedented time of the Coronavirus and quarantines, many co-parents are finding themselves in un-charted territory with regards to their parenting plan and whether and how they should carry it out.

Here are some helpful hints for co-parenting during the coronavirus crisis:

Be open, communicative, creative and flexible!

This is a time like no other, so we need to be open, we need to be flexible, and we need to get creative and think outside the box.

If you have a parenting plan that is requiring something that can’t be done (or can’t be done safely at this time, like air travel), get creative. But first, communicate!

Reach out to the other parent and brainstorm. Can the visit be delayed, or time added onto the next visit? Can you do virtual visits with Zoom, Facetime or Skype where the kids can eat a meal, play a game or just chat with the other parent?

If you have a parenting plan that can be carried out, but you question the safety, communicate your fears. Research suggests that the Coronavirus is not generally dangerous for children, but reach out to your pediatrician if you are unsure or if your child has immune compromising factors and then discuss with your parenting partner.

Once again, communicate, be flexible and get creative!

If it is not advised to make frequent visits, perhaps the visit duration is lengthened, and the frequency is lessened. Or maybe you do a mix of virtual and in person visits, or meet in a safe outdoor space to go hiking, play soccer or be in nature together.

Do not operate out of fear

There is a huge amount of panic and fear surrounding this situation, which is bringing up deeply buried fear from past circumstances and triggering internal and external defense mechanisms of all kinds. Notice the space you are operating and making decisions from. If you are operating out of fear, take a break to process your feelings before you move forward with decision making or discussing with your co-parent.

Take several deep breaths and re-center, releasing all of the fear you may have taken on from the media or others around you. Breathe through any personal fears that you have. Notice what fear or feelings are coming up for you that may not be related to the current issue. Be with all of your feelings and allow them to move through your body. Once you are more centered, make decisions from a grounded, clear space.

What can we do to help our children cope with missed visits?

Be honest with them about what is happening. Let them know that Mom or Dad really wants to see them, but it isn’t safe right now, so you will do whatever you can to find ways for them to connect (see above with virtual visits, outdoor meetups, etc.) and then do it.

Find ways for your child to connect with them even if they can’t connect in real life. You can help them create a card, letter or other work of art to send in the mail, write a song or a poem, or teach them how to connect energetically.  This can be done through an imaginary hug, a special prayer, or a dream meet-up where as they fall asleep they think of a place they want to meet their Mom, Dad or other loved one in their dream, and what they want to do together. We often use the beach or Disneyland for our dream meet-ups! They can also have imaginary visits where you would ask what they would want to do and what they would want to say to their other parent if they were there.

Keeping communication open and finding ways to connect helps your kiddo feel like the other parent is being included and is top of mind even though they can’t be together and it will help them feel more secure.

What if we don’t agree?

If you and your co-parent cannot agree, or you do not have a co-parent who is willing to be flexible and creative with you, do what you can on your side. If you have a written parenting plan as part of a divorce or other legal agreement, you will need to make reasonable efforts to carry it out if they are demanding that you do so.

Try to engage help in the form of a family counselor, pastor, mediator or co-parenting coach if you need help trying to reach an amended agreement for the short term.

And remember, as Wayne Dyer said, “Conflict cannot survive without your participation.” Don’t engage in anything other than a peaceful, direct discussion and process through any emotions or triggers on your side that come up as a result of something your co-parent is saying or doing.

The only thing you can ever control is yourself and how you react to others. In this time of fear and frenzy, don’t make it worse by adding to it.

Please Note: This should not be considered legal or medical advice. Please contact your attorney for guidance on required visits and your doctor for any medical questions regarding the safety of visits.

The post Co-Parenting During The Coronavirus Crisis appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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