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parental alienation

How do I deal with my child rejecting me?

It doesn’t make any sense, we used to be so close, what happened?

Children rejecting their parents goes against everything we know about attachment and parenting.  We are biologically programmed to NEED our parents for survival so when a child turns away from that, it’s a sign of deep emotional and psychological trauma.  

Having worked within Child Protection for many years, I have seen children who have been severely neglected by their parents (through substance misuse or mental health) cling to them like a lifeboat. That’s how parents feel to children.  In a scary world, their parents are (on a biological level) their protectors.

Sadly for many children the reality is that it is their parents who they cling to, who they see as their protector, who are really the ones who are putting them at risk.

But a child does not usually comprehend that.  In many cases they actually profess MORE love for the high risk parent because they need it more.  They have learnt that they need to work extra hard to get their needs met by that parent and so they do exactly that.  They become so eager to please that parent that they can be controlled and will surrender their own wants, needs, thoughts and feelings just so that they can get what they believe they need (attachment) from this parent.

Signs of an insecure ambivalent attachment:

A child’s anxiety and uncertainty are evident as when the incident becomes very upset at separation from the caregiver and both resists and seeks contact at reunion

parental alienation

So what happens when a child completely rejects a parent?

 

At the core of the rejection is the complete suppression of the child’s attachment bonding motivations towards you, a healthy and available parent. This occurs when the child is put in a loyalty conflict position where they have to align with the higher risk parent in order to retain a relationship with them. This is induced with subtle and covert behavioural manipulations.  The essence of which is a clear message to the child – “it is not safe to love this parent, I am the only parent who can love and protect you, if you show any affection for that parent you will not receive love from me”.

 

It’s important for you to understand this process as it will help you with dealing with the rejection.  It shows that you have done nothing wrong.  That your child is under enormous pressure and has no choice but to reject you.  

 

At this point many parents will realise the abusive nature of the behaviour of the other parent and go to Family Court to ensure they remain an active part in their child’s life.  Whilst I appreciate there is little option but to do this, I do feel it is important that you face the rejection and the emotions that brings up first so that you can present the as the healthy, available parent your child needs and remembers.

5 Stages of



  • Shattering – you are in shock, panic and bereft of life’s worth and meaning. Suicidal feelings are normal. You may also begin to feel old feelings of helplessness and dependency


  • Withdrawal – this is an addiction response where you crave the child, feel physical symptoms of withdrawal (unable to sleep, weight loss, anxiety and fatigue (physical and emotional)


  • Internalising – your self esteem suffers real damage, you begin to supress your anger and turn it on yourself or others (The Spring Effect). You may be pre-occupied with feelings of regret and play over in your mind what you might have done differently


  • Rage – as the anger begins to surface it can be used either positively or negatively (positive – regain self esteem and find a way forward/negatively – develop agitated depression and take your anger out on others who you feel responsible for making this better)


  • Lifting – the range has brought your emotions out and that can begin the process of feeling “normal” again. You are able to feel more positive about the sitation and feel stronger and hopeful

Whereever you are at in the process now, know that your feelings are normal and that you will move onto the next stage when you are ready.  



  • Do be kind to yourself


  • Do surround yourself with people who love you unconditionally


  • Do get professional support if you get stuck at any stage



  • Don’t blame yourself


  • Don’t underestimate the emotional toll this is taking


  • Don’t feel ashamed of what has happened (shame keeps you stuck)

Dealing With Anxiety

Part of our series of Free Webinars on Surviving Parental Alienation

The post How do I deal with my child rejecting me? appeared first on The Nurturing Coach.

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Resources to Help Deal With Child Support After Divorce

Resources to Help Deal With Child Support After Divorce

Though you may be in need of financial support, it’s not always easy to understand the ins and outs of child support if you’ve never had to deal with it before.

The post Resources to Help Deal With Child Support After Divorce appeared first on Divorce Magazine.

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FEMALE NARCISSIST

CO-PARENTING WITH A NARCISSIST – 13 STRATEGIES TO HELP YOU DEAL WITH A FEMALE NARCISSIST

Truth is that you can’t co-parent with a narcissist.  But that would be a ridiculously short post so instead we are going to look at some practical steps you can take to make the fact that you have a narcissistic ex a little bit easier for you and the children.

I have chosen to write this post about female narcissists.  Mainly because it is a hugely under talked about subject but one that is a very real problem.  Almost all my clients have identified that their mothers were narcissistic and that it has had huge implications for them growing up and into adulthood.  That means that there are a lot of fathers out there attempting to co-parent with a narcissist.  

Whilst I appreciate that there are plenty of narcissistic fathers out there as well, I feel that there is already a plethora of information out there for mums (Scary Mommy and The Good Men Project have great articles on this).

Female narcissists can cause just as much damage to their children but they have the added weight of societal views about mothers and domestic abuse on their side.  Although there has been a lot of work done in the past decade about father’s rights and equal parenting, the truth is that most people still assume that mothers are the primary caregivers.  Whilst I am not wishing to write off the important role of mothers or deny that many more women than men are primary caregivers, I do think that parenting roles have changed and we now have legislation which reflects that in some measure (parental leave for new fathers for example) so it’s important we also talk about the darker side of females as well.  

There is lots spoken about toxic masculinity but toxic femininity and toxic females exist too. I think it is very dangerous to label one sex all good and the other all bad.  In fact that kind of black and white thinking is a trait of narcissism. I prefer to believe that we are all capable of good and bad acts, just as we are all capable of being victim or abuser. Without going too much into a nature nurture debate, science has long since demonstrated that our behaviours are as much, if not more, the result of our experiences than our biology.  In other words, what we have between our legs does not dictate who we are and how we behave. This is where the importance of nurture, and in particular parenting, becomes even more obvious.

But firstly, let’s get to know what we are dealing with.

Female Narcissists

Thought Catalog have written a really great piece on female narcissists so I am going to borrow their five characteristics of a female narcissist:

  1. A sadistic sense of pleasure at someone else’s pain.

Perhaps one of the most understated qualities of the female malignant narcissist is the pleasure and joy she takes in bringing down others. She enjoys making covert jabs and watching gleefully as the formerly confident victim looks crestfallen, shocked and offended. She displays a lack of empathy when the conversation turns to more serious emotional matters, engaging in shallow responses or cruel reprimands that invalidate her victim’s reality.

She is ruthless in her ability to first idealise, then devalue and discard her victims without a second thought. She cannot engage in healthy, emotionally fulfilling relationships, so she enjoys sabotaging the relationships and friendships of others for her own personal entertainment.

  1. An insatiable sense of competitiveness, due to pathological envy and the need to be the centre of attention.

They have to win.  At all costs. They will either be overt and play the hero.  Or covert and present as a fragile victim, utilising all her womanly wiles to win over sympathy in order to achieve her goal.  Usually of putting someone else down or punishing them.

As psychotherapist Christine Louis de Canonville puts it, “When it comes to envy, there is no one more envious than the narcissistic woman.”

  1. She sabotages your friendships and relationships, stirring chaos within social groups.

The female narcissist may use her affiliation with her target to gain access to resources or status, but as soon as the idealisation phase is over, the devaluation and discard follows. She then engages in rumour-mongering, smear campaigns and creates ‘triangles’ where she feeds others false or humiliating information about the victim. She may pit her friends against each other by claiming that they are gossiping about one another, when in fact, it is her falsehoods that are actually manufacturing conflict within the group. By subjecting her victims to covert and overt put-downs, she is able to then confirm her own false sense of superiority.

You are probably dealing with a female narcissist or sociopath if:

  • You notice an uncomfortable silence, a covert exchange of looks or odd energy when you enter the room. 
  • You were initially idealised, sweet-talked, admired, praised and shown off at the beginning of the relationship. You might have found yourself sharing your most intimate secrets early on, due to her disarmingly sweet and trustworthy demeanour. Later, you find your deepest secrets being spoken about with derision amongst friends or family or rumours based on vulnerabilities and fears you confided in them about. You also notice a chilling smugness when they talk down to you or as she devalues your accomplishments.
  • You bear witness to the narcissist frequently speaking ill of others in an excessively contemptuous tone, while appearing friendly and engaging with them in public. This is evidence of her duplicity and ability to deceive. An authentic person might vent about others occasionally in the event of stress or conflict, but would not engage in excessive gossip or indiscriminate character assassination. He or she would be more likely to cut ties with those they thought were toxic or address it to them directly rather than bashing them unnecessarily. Make no mistake, the way they’re speaking about others is the way they’ll eventually speak about you.
  1. She has an obsession with her appearance as well as a high level of materialism and superficiality. 

FEMALE NARCISSIST

Female narcissists fit the ‘femme fatale’ stereotype quite well. Many of them are conventionally attractive and use their sexuality to their advantage. Since females in our society are also socialised to objectify themselves, the female narcissist follows this social norm to use whatever physical assets she has to assert her power.

Hammond (2015) also observes female narcissists tend to excessively spend money. This may result in a highly materialistic female narcissist who enjoys adorning herself with the best designer clothing, indulging in luxuries at the expense of her loved ones or allowing herself to be excessively catered to by a wealthy significant other. Female narcissists can also accumulate their own wealth and use it as an indication of her superiority as well.

  1. A blatant disregard for the boundaries of intimate relationships, including her own.

In keeping with typical narcissistic behavior regardless of gender, the female narcissist is likely to have a harem of admirers – consisting of exes that never seem to go away, admirers who always seem to lurk in the background and complete strangers she ensnares into her web to evoke jealousy in her romantic partner. She frequently creates love triangles with her significant other and other males (or females, depending on her sexual orientation). She rejoices in male attention and boasts about being the object of desire. She engages in emotional and/or physical infidelity, usually without remorse and with plenty of gaslighting and deception directed at her partner, who usually dotes on her and spoils her, unaware of the extent of her disloyalty.

Delightful folks aren’t they!

If you are having to co-parent with one though, you have experienced all of this.  You understand their manipulative ways and have seen first hand how they can cut people off in a truly heartless manner. You got out of that drama. But your kids can’t do that.  And so you have to find a way to deal with them.

13 Ways To Co-Parent With A Narcissist

  • Accept that you can’t co-parent with them
    Co-parenting implies co-operation, communication and collaboration.  Not going to happen. They have to be seen as superior so they will make all decisions, withhold information and keep you shut out.  Parents evenings will be separate, and no doubt she will have told the school that she doesn’t feel safe being around you. You won’t find out if they are ill unless of course it is as an excuse to stop contact. 

We were regularly told the children were ill so couldn’t come.  In fact it happened so often I questioned whether she was poisoning them!

It also requires both parties to see the other as valid and relevant.  The narcissist does not see you as valid or relevant. You are the proverbial shit on their shoe that they want to get rid of. Your opinion doesn’t count as you don’t count. 

The narcissist went out and pierced the baby’s (and I do mean baby, they were only about a year old) despite the dad voicing that he didn’t want them to have their ears pierced because it was cruel.  Didn’t matter. It was what she wanted.

  • Be realistic with your expectations
    Your ex is not going to change.  She has developed a very sophisticated system for how she deals with people and in particular people who she deems below her or of no use to her.  She simply cuts them off. This works for her so she has no motivation to change.

    The frustration at wanting her to be different lead to arguments between me and my partner and actually, in hindsight cost us our relationship because I was so fixated on her.

    However, this does not mean that your situation cannot change.  You have full control over yourself and how you respond to what is going on.  When she attempts to bait you into an argument in front of witnesses so she can “prove” what a monster you are, you can choose whether or not to bite.  Learning how to manage your own responses takes time and awareness of what your triggers are though so you must be prepared to do the work. Once you grasp it though, your ex has no power over you which right royally pisses them off.

    Whenever she would confront me to try to intimidate me, I would always be super kind and smile.  I wanted to growl really but being able to control my own response really irritated her.  And that, in all honesty, bought me some joy.
  • Understand that everything is about control and punishment
    You are child focused.  You always have been. You didn’t want to argue in front of the kids and so you let things slide.  You let her get her own way so as not to cause distress to the children. She on the other hand used that to control you and things are no different now.  She may act like she is mother of the year but the truth is everything is about her agenda.

    Again, you need to accept that this is who she is.  No amount of reason or logic or pulling at her heart strings is going to get her to put the children first. She knows full well that controlling your access and therefore your relationship with your children is the best way to punish you for whatever wrong she believes you have committed.  When you stop wasting your energy on trying to get her to understand, you can begin to make decisions and take action on getting what you want.
  • Go direct to the source
    The ex won’t share any information with you about your children and if you ask her, you may find yourself slapped with a non-molestation order.  Who knew that wanting to find out about your own children (which you have a legal right to) was a crime? Ironic right.  They are breaking the law in preventing you from having your parental rights but you get labelled the criminal for wanting to exercise them.

    I strongly suggest you speak direct to the source (GP, school, nursery etc) and ask them to copy you in on all correspondence.  Take a copy of the court order if you have one which will show there are no restrictions in you having access to this information.  I also recommend communicating by email in the first instance so that you have a paper trail and you can’t get accused of being a bully. Most of the people involved in your children’s lives have been fed the same lines about you being controlling, aggressive, abusive and unsafe.  I have seen it happen time and time again when father’s go into the school to ask for up to date records for their children, they are stonewalled by people who have believed the lies which is frustrating and so they exert their rights a bit more forcefully and before you know it, you have another person and a professional backing up mum’s side of the story.  Email or old fashioned snail mail is the best way to avoid this.
  • Everything you say, can and will be used as evidence against you
    This is one of the hardest truths to accept but nevertheless it is true.  You are not an equal parent. The ex has successfully managed to completely distort your relationship with your children. In two ways.  Firstly, she will rule by fear and so they know who to obey and who is in charge. Just as you did in the relationship. They have seen the consequences of disagreeing with her and so they go along with everything she says.  This means they have to treat you with the same disrespect and contempt as she does. They don’t believe it but when you practice something enough times it becomes a habit. This leads to the second way she distorts the relationship which is by taking away any parental power you have to discipline your child.  So when they are being disrespectful to you, you have every right to tell them they are not allowed to talk to you that way. You wouldn’t accept it from anyone else so why from your children. What your ex then does is illicit that criticism from the children and convince them that you are abusive because of how you spoke to them.  “He used to speak to me the same way, you poor thing. What a monster he is!” It makes it almost impossible for you to parent at all.  If you want to understand more about this dynamic I recommend grabbing a copy of our free ebook The Painful Truth About Narcissistic Families.

    However, the important thing to remember is that a parent is many things.  The most important being the one person who unconditionally loves their children, no matter what they do and so even if they do disrespect you and reject you, you will always love them.  And deep down they know that. It’s part of why they know they can do it. They feel secure in your love for them. So although it is painful, try to remember that your love for them and theirs for you is strong.  Hold onto that, despite all that might happen.
  • Develop some family rules
    Another way to deal with the disrespect is to share the responsibility for how you want your relationship to look like with the children.  Family meetings and rules decided by everyone in the family can be a really good way for you to manage behaviour. All children know right from wrong.  They feel guilty when they are naughty. And being unkind to you makes them feel very uncomfortable, even if it doesn’t seem like it.

    Create a vision together of family life and ask them how they can contribute to it looking like that.  Obviously they may exhibit some resistance to this and say things like “I wish I didn’t have to come here” or “I want to be with mum” but try to persevere. Ask them why they don’t want to come here, what could you do to help make it better. 
  • Lashings of praise
    Your ex will rule with extremes – severe punishment (rage or the silent treatment) or extravagant rewards (puppies or favourite toys) which can be really powerful in getting children to do exactly what they want.  I have heard a story where a mother, the day before a child was due to go to contact with their father, bought a brand new puppy. I mean who would want to leave a new puppy? Whilst this looks amazing to the child on the surface, what all children really want is love, affection and attention and narcissists simply aren’t capable of providing any of those things.  You know that. You have felt the coldness.

    Positive reinforcement (also known as positive stokes) in the form of praise, hugs and pride is however, much more powerful.  You know the look of joy on your child’s face when you tell them they have done really well and you are proud of them, and then you tell them to ring grandma and tell her.  They are beaming! And children want more of that so giving lots of praise for all the good stuff you see not only boosts their self esteem but it also helps nurture your bond with your child.

    I do recognise that narcissists will give praise when the children do what they want and they use that to encourage them to reject you.  However, narcissists are inconsistent and so children never really know where they stand with them. What pleased them one day isn’t good enough the next.  Being consistent with your praise provides the child with the security they need.
  • Teach rather than tell
    You are your children’s role model.  They learn from all that they see, hear and watch you do.  This is probably why you ended the relationship, because you didn’t want your children to grow up thinking it was normal.  You can use this to help them develop the characteristics and skills you want them to have growing up. It will also help them to manage their own relationship with the narcissist.

    Think about what you want for your child.  Most parents want their children to be kind, happy, loved and successful.  Are you all of those things? How are you able to model them? When they misbehave, show them the behaviour you want rather than point out what they have done wrong.

    I always remember the scene in Jaws when Brody’s son is mirroring all his actions back to him.  Think about what your child is mirroring to you and vice versa.
  • Accept them for all that they are
    The reality is that your child will mirror back to you parts of your ex and this can be really hard to witness.  You may find yourself retriggered and taken back to a situation with your ex. Having her there, in your house, but in a smaller version, can be very upsetting.  And can have an impact on not only how you respond to your child but also how you feel about them. I have heard many parents honestly admit that sometimes, when their child reminds them of their ex, in that moment, they don’t like them.  That might feel really uncomfortable but it’s quite normal and natural. Your child will take after your ex. They may even look like her. No-one expects you to just forget about all the shit they put you through.

    However, it is important that you learn to accept those parts of your child.  Being aware when they remind you of your ex can help you to manage your feelings.  And remember that your child is not your ex.

    My step-daughter reminded me so much of the narcissist.  She had the same look sometimes and I felt my stomach go but just that awareness of that feeling was enough to pull me back into the room and stay with this innocent little girl sat in front of me who was so much more than her DNA.
  • Get to grips with your ex
    Something else it is important for you to model to your children, is how to deal with the ex.  You no longer live with her so you have the space to recover but your children don’t have that opportunity except when they are with you.  They are immersed in her world. The time with you is your chance to teach them the skills which got you through it. You needed resilience, self love, self control, a strong self image, support, determination and courage.  When your ex tries to push your buttons, you have an opportunity to show your children how to use self control and be strong in knowing who you are and how you behave. They will learn so much from that. They are looking to you all the time for help with this. 

    If you don’t yet feel confident in managing your ex and yourself around them, I strongly recommend getting some support to bolster up those skills.
  • Remove the drama
    Your life with the narcissist was full of drama and chaos because that is the environment the narcissist loves to create.  They can control others when they are disorientated by the chaos. Now you are away from that, you can focus on creating a peaceful environment, not just for you but for the children as well.  Children get carried away and lost in drama, it impacts their development, self esteem and academic achievement. On the opposite side of that, they thrive in a loving, nurturing, safe and calm environment. 

    Take a good look at your life and your friends and family.  Are they always caught up in the next drama or do they live a quiet and happy life?  Remove as much of the drama as you can. It will help with your recovery and create a safe haven for your children.  Like a lighthouse in the storm.
  • If you have to go to court, be prepared
    The reality is, if you have children with a narcissist you WILL have to go to court.  They want to punish you and what better way that by using the children. They will start by gatekeeping the contact, dictating the rules as to when and where you can see them.  They will begin to cut you out of all areas of their lives: school, after school clubs, your family. Finally they will manipulate the children to reject you (check out our comprehensive guide to How Parental Alienation Is Hurting Your Children to find out more about how this happens).

    It means if you want a relationship with your child, you have to go through Family Court which can perpetuate the abuse.  Every man and his dog will be drawn into the drama, claiming they saw you do x, y and z. Lies will become facts and those trained to protect children, will assist your ex is abusing them.  Narcissists love court because they have developed a false self designed to dupe and manipulate others. They love the performance in the court arena. You on the other hand just want to get on with your life and have a loving relationship with your children.  Claims of domestic abuse will appear and they will be granted legal aid so that they can use as many delay tactics as they like to keep up this charade. All in the hope of wearing you down so you just disappear. The fact they get to slander your character and destroy you in the process is a bonus to them.

    Going to court against a narcissist isn’t about the law or the facts.  It is about who is best at telling the story and being believed. Now I am not for one second suggesting you become an Oscar winning actor.  But it is important you learn how to put in your best performance. Which is why we developed our Get Court Ready course, designed to give you all the skills, tools and mindset to win this battle.
  • Recognise you may have PTSD
    A relationship with a narcissist is traumatic and stressful and when you have been exposed to it for a lengthy period of time, you can develop PTSD (and complex PTSD).  Symptoms of PTSD are:
    • regularly reliving painful memories, to the extent that you feel as if you are going through it again
    • losing all confidence in yourself and are finding it difficult to adapt to different and new situations
    • developing a chronic illness, anxiety or depression following your relationship with a narcissist
    • feeling numb and unsure of who you really are avoiding people and situations


PTSD can impact your relationship with those you love, including your children and leave you vulnerable to being retriggered by your ex.  Check out our guide to All You Need To Know About PTSD After Narcissistic Abuse.

Female narcissists are dangerous and highly abusive.  Like their male counterparts, they take no prisoners and are hell bent on destroying you.  If they have to take down others, including their own children, so be it.  As far as they are concerned the end justifies the means.  Everyone is collateral damage for them retaining their public persona.  

It’s important we speak out about this.  Men can be victims and women can be abusers.  Awareness is paramount is helping our children to recover and not repeat these cycles.

If you have experienced abuse at the hands of a narcissist and feel comfortable, please do share your thoughts. Or maybe you know someone who is a female narcissist.  Is what I have said accurate in your opinion?  Get involved.

The post CO-PARENTING WITH A NARCISSIST – 13 STRATEGIES TO HELP YOU DEAL WITH A FEMALE NARCISSIST appeared first on The Nurturing Coach.

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Divorce Care: 8 Ways to Help your Child Deal with your Divorce

Divorce Care: 8 Ways to Help your Child Deal with your Divorce

Explain your divorce to your child in the simplest way possible. They do not need the sordid details of why you are separating or who broke whose heart.

The post Divorce Care: 8 Ways to Help your Child Deal with your Divorce appeared first on Divorce Magazine.

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Chronic Illness After a Divorce: How to Deal with a Diagnosis

Chronic Illness After a Divorce: How to Deal with a Diagnosis

If you’re dealing with a chronic illness diagnosis after getting divorced, you’ll need to take some steps and make some changes to navigate this news.

The post Chronic Illness After a Divorce: How to Deal with a Diagnosis appeared first on Divorce Magazine.

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How I Deal With Triggers

How I Deal With Triggers

 

It’s really normal to not enjoy your emotional triggers – after all, they are painful!

Nearly all of us were told to “think about something else” and try to distract ourselves from them.

However, after experiencing the extreme trauma of abuse and toxic relationships, it’s not that simple to do.

Many of us, myself included, have had the absolute breakdown experience of so many crippling emotional triggers that life simply can’t go on as it used to.

This is why it is my absolute pleasure to share with you exactly how I deal with my triggers, so that I can inspire you to come up and out of pain, and be delivered to the other side too!

 

 

Video Transcript

Today I want to deeply share with you how I deal with my emotional triggers.

And this is really important because it is our triggers, which are handing us our salvation.

Mind you, it took me decades of pain to work this out. Before then, as a result of trying to avoid my triggers, I was forever stuck in emotional fear, pain and reaction and the ongoing traumatising events that were my life.

Thank goodness I discovered that there is a completely different way to deal with this! A way that works, and it is my absolute joy to share that with you today.

But before I do, I’d like to thank you for subscribing to my channel and supported the Thriver Mission. If you haven’t as yet done so, please do. And, if you enjoy this video, please make sure you give it a thumbs up.

Okay, let’s dive into today’s episode!

 

The Old Consensus About Emotional Triggers

Human conditioning has taught us to try to ignore and escape any painful emotional trigger. Meaning if we feel dense or painful energy inside our body, to try to do everything possible to get away from that feeling.

Many of us had the messages, since being very young of, “Try not to think about it!” Or we were talked out of our bad feelings, by people who also were experts at talking themselves out of their own bad feelings, and therefore did not have the capacity to validate ours.

Yet, we know that when we are told to ignore what we feel or to pick up some distraction, or what we are feeling isn’t true for us, that this doesn’t feel good.

Life experience has also shown us that the inner bad feelings usually keep coming back.

It’s so interesting now when I introduce people to the Thriver Way to heal for real from abuse, they may initially feel horrified about turning inwards to self-partner and meet their feelings.

And why wouldn’t they, after being indoctrinated into believing that emotional triggers should be avoided at all cost!

Even Law of Attraction principles declare that the way through to a happy and healthy life is to ignore the bad feelings and just focus on the good and try to create new neuropathways as a result of doing that.

Many of us, who tried gallantly to achieve this, found out that the painful triggers, that were often in repeat, didn’t go away no matter how hard we tried to think our way out of them.

And, what was extremely painful was that the triggers would often explode from inside of us at random times. They may have caused us to hand power away to other people because of being derailed emotionally. They may have caused us to lash out at people who we love simply because we were feeling overwhelmed within ourselves.

Also, they could make the creation, expansion, and solution of our life incredibly difficult for us because we are continually plagued by painful feelings that are taking up all our energy trying to survive them.

Then, of course, we have to come up with even more extreme strategies to try to escape the inner pain that is going off inside of us, especially after suffering the incredible trauma of narcissistic abuse.

When you are suffering the triggers of feeling anxiety, depression, powerlessness, helplessness, or even panic attacks, until you learn how to handle your triggers in a self-partnered way, you are susceptible to trying to find something outside of yourself to try to switch the trigger off.

This could mean that you go for food, cigarettes, alcohol, shopping, excessive device time, hooking up with people who hurt you, and all sorts of unhealthy and even desperate measures to try to get out of the pain.

It’s only when you get in your body and can be present healthily with your triggers that this can stop.

 

Turning it Around By Turning in

It wasn’t until I experienced my complete breakdown/breakthrough experience with narcissistic abuse, and being left with my shattered Inner Being, without any outer props left to go to, that I started to get a grasp on the truth of this.

I needed to turn inwards.

And so I did, with this declaration, “Inner Being I am here for you and I am never deserting you again”.

I realised my emotional triggers, which were the signals of my inner traumas, had become “my normal” but this was in no way natural. It’s not who I really was as my True Self.

It’s not our fault that we have had so many traumas impregnated into us from the outside – our past lives, our ancestors, childhoods, and the human collective experience of limiting painful beliefs about gender, age, race, religion or whatever it may be.

And of course, people who were dealing with their own extreme levels of trauma. Hurt people hurt people.

Trauma, sadly, is a part of the human experience. We have all been infected to some degree.

After being narcissistically abused the trauma within you is activated to such an extreme level that it reaches critical mass. At this point life simply cannot go on as normal, and it is virtually impossible to be able to cognitively think our way out of the pain.

Often, researching and learning all we can about abusers and our abuse symptoms will not ease it either.

When I turned inwards, I discovered so many painful fractures that were programmed beliefs and painful emotional experiences, in regard to myself, life and others.

The truth was I did not feel safe in my body, and this was the battle with anxiety, depression, and feelings of helplessness and hopelessness.

How on earth can we feel good in our body after experiencing significant trauma? How can we feel safe?

Even before I developed the profound inner healing tools of Quanta Freedom Healing (NARP) to heal myself, I started to understand that rather than try to get relief from the outside, that the only true relief needed to be between me and myself.

I learnt to say to myself, “I bless and accept this feeling”.

I want you to imagine having an emotional trigger go off inside you, and rather than abandon yourself by trying to disconnect from it, or blaming yourself for having it, I want you to open your heart and breathe and say to yourself “I bless and accept this feeling”.

Now feel the effects of that in your body.

It would be usual for you to start feeling some relief because your Inner Being heaves a sigh of relief knowing that you have finally showed up for him or her.

The illusion is that your Inner Being has wanted something or somebody else to take away the pain, but your Inner Being has actually been waiting for you to turn inwards to self-partner and integrate and love him or her back to wholeness, all along.

Being willing to do this, and validate the feeling as being blessed and something that you accept starts to reverse all of those beliefs that we’ve taken on from our forebears – that our feelings are invalid and not deserving of our attention and love, which really means that we have been deemed invalid.

I hope you understand that your emotional inner state is Who You Are.

It’s where your entire life is being generated from. Hence, in order to get life right, this part of you requires your devotion and self-partnering.

 

Why Are Triggers So Fantastic?

You may think that I’m crazy by saying triggers are fantastic!

Yet, I know, 100% that they are.

I now know that all of my triggers are happening “for” me, and not “to” me. What I mean by this is when a trigger goes off inside of me, this is the signal that allows me to know that a part of me is not aligned with my desires, my True Self and my Soul’s True Destiny.

It’s like a GPS signal that is telling me I’m off course.

And I love this, even though once upon a time, of course, I detested it!

Since being aligned with my Thriver Life and having the profound Quantum Tool, Quanta Freedom Healing (NARP) I’ve been supremely dedicated to addressing the triggers that arise within my Inner Being, and loading them up and releasing and freeing myself from them.

This has allowed me to release my subconscious from those old painful programs, and replace them with my superconscious self, which is my highest potential on any topic, by bringing that down into the space where the old trauma once was.

This system of healing, completely bypasses the mind which tries to work it all out (usually unsuccessfully) and creates a shift somatically in our visceral emotional centre, in such a way that it doesn’t have to be understood logically in order to be experienced.

What I discovered is that when the trigger is gone, a resounding peace replaces it.

And this “thing” that I’ve been struggling with, regarding myself, people, situations or events, starts to heal and resolve.

I also discovered that the most incredible synchronicities, opportunities, and even miracles start to appear that completely match the positive shift that I’ve just had in my body.

This I know with every ounce of my being; that the composition of our Inner Being is directly connected with all of the resources of life that are entering our experience, as our experience.

When we shift, it shifts.

When your Beingness is changed, you have changed. This is so much more effective than trying to think your way into a new way of Being.

My everyday experience, before self-partnering with my triggers, was trying to negate painful feelings in my body, with all sorts of personal development. This was only at best managing my still existing trauma, and not healing it.

And when my efforts would slip, my addictions would start to take over. All of this was exhausting, especially because I was still battling ferociously the evidence of my unhealed triggers that were coming to me via people and situations.

Since discovering and working with the truth about triggers – “I bless and accept you as a signal of something that I can shift, release and replace in order to go up to the next higher level of my True Self” my life experience has changed beyond description.

I hope you are really getting this.

Okay, once again, when imagining having a trigger going off inside, I want you to repeat the declaration after me. Let’s say this together … “I bless and accept you as a signal of something that I can shift, release and replace in order to go up to the next higher level of my True Self”.

How does that feel in your body?

Does it feel like relief? Does it feel like truth?

I want you to pause this video and write how it feels for you below.

Okay, so I really want you to know that I totally validate that at the start of your narcissistic abuse recovery journey there are lots of triggers to address.

Initially, there is a lot of work to do to release and reprogram your Inner Being from intense toxic trauma that is making it difficult for you to function. This is why having an effective tool to be able to meet, hold, load up, release and replace your triggers certainly makes it so much easier.

If everything that I’ve talked about today resonates deeply with you, you can get your true healing journey started by clicking this link. 

So, I hope this video made sense to you, regarding a new, empowering and radically transformative way to work with your triggers, and please share with the people who you know it could help.

As always, I look forward to answering your comments and questions below.

 

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How To Deal With A Smear Campaign Without Losing Your Sanity

How To Deal With A Smear Campaign Without Losing Your Sanity

 

Being smeared by a narcissist can be traumatising.

It is devastating to have someone who you wanted to love and trust, think so poorly of you and make terrible accusations against you.

Matters are even worse when the narcissist’s lies have caused horrible fallout with those you love and care about, and you may even have had to defend yourself against authorities.

You could be completely forgiven for almost going insane.

In today’s Thriver TV episode, you will learn how to deal with the narcissist’s smear campaigns, so that you can survive them, emerge intact, and even take your power back to levels far beyond the ones you’ve experienced even before being smeared.

 

 

Video Transcript

Being smeared by a narcissist is beyond painful for many reasons. A narcissist’s opinion is always going to be skewered and cruel. When the cracks have appeared, or at the end of the relationship regardless of everything you have tried, given or sacrificed and suffered, none of it will prove to be good enough.

You will be demonised, pure and simple.

Is there anything more painful than somebody you loved turning on you and treating you like the enemy?

Maybe only that now, other people in your life such as family and friends, also believe that you are a monster.

How do you survive this? How do you retain your sanity? How do you not take on these brutal criticisms and smearing, as a possibility that you are the bad person you are being made out to be? How do you not feel intense shame and pain?

Today we can go through this, all of those questions plus more so that I can help you learn how to deal with the narcissist’s smear campaigns without losing your sanity. And, also so that you can regain your life and make it bigger and better than ever before.

But before we get started I’d like to thank each and every one of you who have subscribed to my channel for supporting the Thriver Mission, and I’d like to remind you that if you haven’t yet done so please do. And, if you enjoy this video, please make sure that you give it a thumbs up.

Okay so let’s start peeling this back and working out what is really going on.

Bringing Our Greatest Fears To Life

Today I want to bring to you, right from the get-go, a radical truth about narcissistic abuse that will change everything for you.

The narcissist at the deepest level of Quantum Truth is helping you to awaken, and to resurrect a necessary part of yourself.

Many of those who’ve been narcissistically abused, have for most, if not all of our life, suffered the susceptibility of worrying about what other people think about us.

First of all, that starts with the people who we want to love us. We are mortified, horrified and heartbroken if they think badly of us. The truth is we have invested more emotional energy into what these people think of us than what we think of ourselves.

We possibly never realised that we were seeking love and approval through these people’s actions and behaviours towards us. Of course, this was our normal because up until Thriver recovery, we may not have realised that to come home to feeling safe, loved and whole in our own body is the work that we must do between us and ourselves.

Narcissists smash us with the words, actions, and behaviours that create the feedback that we are unlovable, and not worth caring for. If we are not solid enough inside, knowing our own lovability, worth and value, then we believe them. We believe our identity and maybe our entire life depends on what this person does or doesn’t think about us.

So we fight to change their minds. We try to justify, explain, improve and earn our worth and lovability from them.

This is the perfect scenario for a narcissist because they keep us attached to them whilst gaining the release of their own inner torment onto us, as well as masses of narcissistic supply – attention that offers them the significance to know that they exist.

Being Unaffected By Smearing

It’s so important to know that there are people who have been connected with a narcissist, and yet don’t react when a narcissist starts discrediting them. The reason they don’t react is because they are solid on the inside; they know who they are. They know that they are lovable and worthy and valuable.

Even if they had hopes that this person could be loving or helpful in their life, they know that their own inner identity in no way depends on that being the case. Because this abusive person doesn’t match the relationship of self that they have within themselves, it’s easy for them to disconnect and walk away.

In short, they don’t agree with this person’s version of them and in no way need to change it either.

Here is the next thing I have seen with these people – when the narcissist tries to smear them and discredit them, the person doesn’t react and doesn’t try to disprove the narcissist’s accusations. If there is any legal necessity, they simply provide the information calmly, clearly and solidly without having any terror being ignited within them about being persecuted. This is when the narcissist’s attempts at destroying the person’s credibility, support systems or life, falls entirely to pieces.

Extremely quickly in fact.

Many of us were not initially able to be like this. Because this is not the case for people who have fractures in their inner identity, meaning that they don’t know their own worth and value. These are the people who react and get thrown into a terrible terror of what other people think.

This is exactly the person I used to be. I was incredible fuel for a narcissist’s smear campaign. I was horrified about what people might think of me, and terrified about people turning away from me or turning against me. I even had feelings in my body that were so extreme, that I felt that if people thought I was a bad person, I would be annihilated.

I promise you this, when we wake up to what’s really going on, we know that the solution will never be about trying to do anything ‘out there’ to change the fact that you are being smeared, because that’s not where the problem is.

The real problem is that the narcissist is feeding off your terrors of persecution, which are fanning the flames of the smear campaign that the narcissist is using against you, and the smear campaign is not going to stop until you eliminate the fuel.

The fuel is the fearful beliefs that you have been carrying inside of you as a part of the human trauma experience.

Persecution Programs

It’s a very rare individual who has been abused by a narcissist who isn’t carrying inner persecution programs. In fact, I’m not sure that I’ve ever met any of these people.

Persecution programs go like this, ‘if people don’t think I am a good person, and they think that I’ve done the wrong thing, then they will … leave me, exile me, hurt me, attack me, or even annihilate me.’

How do you know if you have persecution programs inside of you? The answer is simple, say those statements to yourself and listen to how your Inner Being responds. If you feel anxiety, shortening of breath, a dense feeling of dread, or even a white-hot terror, then you are carrying inner subconscious persecution programs.

This makes you a target for narcissists to mess with you. This means that they can project their disordered self and their behaviour all over you, turn the tables, and blame you for everything they do and keep you hooked into them while you are fighting for truth and sanity.

How do you get out of this terrorising, traumatising toxic web? There is only one way out – to turn inwards and find and release your persecution programs from within yourself.

When you do that you will be astounded at the results. The first thing you will discover is that you have less emotional charge on what the narcissist thinks about you, and even what others are saying about you.

Quite literally you won’t care.

And this is when you will anchor deeply into the true emancipation on this topic, which is ‘what other people think about me is none of my business. What I think about me is my business.’

You will see that the more you know who you are at a deep inner cellular knowing (which becomes completely organic without your effort when you release the trauma within you) that other people automatically follow. Those who don’t have the resources to agree with your version of Self, simply melt out of your experience, and the people who do will come back to you.

Like so many others, my persecution programs were horrific and I know that if I hadn’t done the inner Quantum work to completely eliminate them, I would still be in the living hell that I was stuck in with my persecution programs.

You see, even before the narcissist, I used to have the weird and awful experience of being accused of things that I would never even consider doing. It was just that, with the narcissist, it was brought to a level that was so severe that I had no idea how I was going to survive it. And I wouldn’t have survived it if I didn’t turn inwards and finally face the terrors that I had always carried inside of me.

The freedom from all of this is life changing and there is certainly no way that I could put myself out there on the world stage, in the way I do, if I was still carrying persecution programs.

Losing The Insanity and Gaining Your True Self

The thing about narcissistic abuse recovery is we think that by doing the inner work we are only going to lose the pain of the insanity and the torment that we’ve been suffering.

But Thriver recovery is so much more than that. What is really happening here is that we are losing our old self which isn’t effective in relation to who we want to be and what we really want to achieve.

After working through Thriver recovery you will experience moving into your new and True Self, who is the self you were always intended to be.

Can you imagine the freedom and power you will step into when you are no longer worried about what anybody thinks of you?

Can you imagine how it feels to be in your body walking this planet as your True Self?

Can you feel what it would be like to appear in front of anyone at all with nothing to prove or hide, simply being you, powerfully and freely?

These are only some of the powerhouse evolution graduations we receive by cleaning up all of our insecurities and the deep terrors that narcissists target and smash up to the surface for us. And I say ‘for us’ because until they reach critical mass we were able to continue on without having to address these inner traumas.

I know the inner work seems daunting, perhaps a waste of time and something that we would rather not do, however, if you want your life to be the life that you were born to live, there really isn’t a choice. The crazy thing is, once we start doing the inner work, the results are so incredible that it becomes addictive and extremely pleasurable to do.

If you are suffering smear campaigns, my heart goes out to you in spades, because I know exactly how traumatising this is. This is why I am so committed to reaching out to you so that you can find out how to quickly turn this all around, and take your life, your sanity and your future back in ways that will thrill and astound you.

Let me show you how to do this by clicking this link.

Also, if you want to see more of my episodes please make sure that you subscribe to my channel, so that you are notified every time I release a new video.

And, I am so excited because my Australian tour starts next week. There are still some limited tickets left. You can secure yours by clicking this link melanietoniaevans.com/oztour

And, as always, I’m looking forward to answering your comments and your questions below.

 

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6 Handy Tips to Help Deal with Holiday Parenting Time

6 Handy Tips to Help Deal with Holiday Parenting Time

For some divorced or separated parents, holiday parenting time may be a difficult time of year as their children may spend more time with the other parent and less time with them.

The post 6 Handy Tips to Help Deal with Holiday Parenting Time appeared first on Divorce Magazine.

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How to Deal With Assets and Debts During Divorce

How to Deal With Assets and Debts During Divorce

When you have no clue how to deal with the legal procedure and what steps you should take for the best possible outcome, relying on your lawyer’s would be the best option.

The post How to Deal With Assets and Debts During Divorce appeared first on Divorce Magazine.

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Timeline Indicates: Stanford University Professor Michele Dauber Set Up Judge Persky for Recall as Chanel Miller (Emily Doe) Gets 60- Minute Interview and Book Deal

Cindy Hendrickson  Email – dated December 2, 2016

Timeline Links  Sex Trafficking & Election Rigging to Family Court 

2015: Court Clerk David Yamasaki reportedly met with Orange County DA Tony Rackauckas to study the county’s snitch program  in an effort to mirror that  program for the benefit of Santa Clara County DA Jeff Rosen. 
Jeff Rosen then went to work with his inner circle to move Victim Witness Services under his management and control  with an eye to earning funds from state and federal grant money earmarked for crime victims. 

It is believed that Rosen then designed a scheme with the help of prosecutors in his office to  and to rigging local elections in a manner that would place more prosecutors in family courts where domestic violence cases could feed money to private divorce lawyers and criminal defense attorneys who regularly donate to Rosen’s political campaigns. 

   Jeff Rosen Eyes Two High Profile Cases for Scheme

        2016- SCHEME TO RIG LOCAL ELECTIONS 

Parents involved in domestic violence cases connected to divorce and custody knew something was amiss. Many women reached out to Michele Dauber, who was gaining fame for her advocacy for a sexual assault victim known as Emily Doe and now known to be Chanel Miller, the woman now known for her 60- Minute interview and a book deal, but before that interview, there were thousands of emails that show Dauber worked with prosecutors in the Orange County and Santa Clara County DA’s office as her effort to see the recall of Judge Aaron Persky that would assure DDA Cindy Hendrickson a spot on the Santa Clara Family Court bench.  

Dauber’s access to the DA’s office and DA Jeff Rosen was unpresented. The DA’s own Public Information Officer Sean Webby even assisted Dauber in attacking protestors who attempted to reveal improper governmental activity surrounding the recall’s press conference that were stacked with Dauber supporters. 

Dauber Schemes with DA Jeff Rosen to Beat Persky

DA Employees Saher Stephan and Nida Rehman Involved Richmond Police Department Sex Scandal – August 2016 

Whistleblower: David Yamasaki Steals Public Funds and Moves to Orange County to Launch Private Judge Scheme In Family Courts 

Walter Hammon’s Family Law Cases Expose Court and Cop Corruption

 2016 Michele Dauber Worked  with DDA Alaleh Kianerci Draft the Famed Emily Doe Letters 

As mainstream media insisted the Emily Doe letter was written by the victim in the Brock Turner case, emails produced to local reporters in March of 2019 show a different story. Those emails have been provided to academics and journalists and are now being reviewed by the Attorney General and the Department of Justice after it appeared Michele Dauber used her position  as a law professor at Stanford University and her connections to Google and other Silicon Valley Titans to rig views  on You Tube, Twitter and Change.org and create the perfect victim that would result in the recall of Judge Aaron Persky and the placement of Cindy Hendrickson in Silicon Valley Family Courts. 

Following the recall, it is believed that Santa Clara County District Attorney worked with connections in Alabama to perpetuate a human trafficking network across the country  and operating in Santa Clara and Orange County family courts where domestic violence cases involving high profile Silicon Valley tech executives are involved. 

Rosen is rumored  to be working with snitches, moles and family law attorneys to chill speech and discredit journalists willing to report on the county’s family courts. 

Rosen Using Chanel Miller for His Scheme

As Chanel Miller , AKA Emily Doe Appeared on 60 Minuets, Rosen reportedly told his wife, a family court judge, that his plan was almost complete. DDA Alaleh Kianerci is now posed to overtake the AG position  in the next election and Rosen’s snitches and moles are moving in to take out Sheriff Laurie Smith, the only other woman who poses a threat to Rosen’s future political career. 

Court Watchers Learn County Counsel Ward Penfold, James Williams and Michael Rossi Involved in Sex Trafficking Cases Connected with  Family Courts 

Court Watchers in the Santa Clara County Superior Courthouse on September 24, 2019 overheard mediation discussions involving lawyers Ward Penfold, James Williams and Michael  Rossi who represent Supervisors Cindy Chavez, Dave Cortese and DA Employee Kasey Halcon as well as private divorce attorney Nicole Ford alleged to be involved in a criminal conspiracy that is connected to Orange County domestic violence and family law cases where private judges act under the management and supervision of court clerk David Yamasaki who moved to Orange County in 2016 as part of the state’s private judging scam that has resulted in the taking of thousands of children and the transfer of billions of dollars of private funds to the political campaigns of Democratic candidates including District Attorney Jeff Rosen and 80% of the judges serving in Silicon Valley’s family law and domestic violence cases. 

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