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truth about children and divorce: sad african american girl with face in hand

The Unvarnished Truth About Children And Divorce

truth about children and divorce: sad african american girl with face in hand

 

I’m not one of those experts who believe that divorce has little significant effect on a child’s life. I’m of the opinion that divorce can set a child up for lifelong emotional struggles. The divorce of a child’s parents leaves them with negative emotions they will deal with throughout their lives in one way or another.

Yes, they learn to adjust to the fact that their parents are divorced but, the sadness caused by the divorce lessens with time but never goes away. On top of the regret a child feels over a parent’s divorce there can be devastating consequences if the parents do not handle the divorce in a responsible manner.

The Unvarnished Truth About Children And Divorce

I bristle when I hear parents say that children are “resilient” and can “handle” their divorce. I’ve talked to adults who were devastated years after their divorce was finalized, yet for some strange reason they believe that their children are more capable of getting over and learning to live with a situation they, themselves are finding hard to accept and move on from.

It is this belief by parents that children are more flexible and pliant emotionally than they are that sets children up for disaster when their parents’ divorce. A child’s divorce experience is shaped by whether or not parents continue to put their children’s well-being and security first during the divorce process.

4 Reasons It’s Important To Put Children First During Divorce

1. Divorce means huge changes in the lives of children. It can also mean direct involvement in the conflict between parents, changes in where they live, economic hardship, broken bonds with a parent, loss of emotional security, and a multitude of emotional stressors.

2. Divorce means the loss of a child’s family, something that is the center of their universe. If a child is raised in a happy or low conflict family, that family is the base of their security. It is what allows that child to go out into the world and broaden their horizons because they know there is a safe place to return to.

The loss of an intact family is like a death to the child. There will be a period of grieving and a need to replace, with something new the security they had in the intact family.

3. Divorce increases a child’s risk of psychological, educational, and sociological problems. A parent’s divorce touches every aspect of a child’s life. A child’s relationships with friends will change and their ability to focus and concentrate in school will be affected. As a result, there is an increased possibility of problems with anxiety and depression.

4. Divorce causes children emotional pain. Regardless of how hard a parent tries and how well they parent, a child will feel sadness and loss during and after a divorce. Your divorce is going to hurt your children! And please, don’t fall for the nonsense belief that if the “parent is happy, the child will be happy.” I promise you unless your child is witnessing or a party to domestic abuse or high conflict the child could care less if Mom and Dad are happy.

Some parents have a misguided belief that their children are spending time and energy worrying about their parent’s happiness. Nothing could be further from the truth, children are concerned with their own happiness and security, as it should be.

So, please, don’t project your need to divorce so you can be “happy” off on to your children. You will do them no favor and it will free you up to ignore their pain due to a skewed belief that is not correct.

What Are The Negative Effects of Divorce For Children?

If you contrast children from intact families to children of divorce, children from divorced families are:

  • Twice as likely to have to see a mental health provider,
  • Twice as likely to exhibit behavioral problems,
  • More than twice as likely to have problems with depression and mood disorders,
  • Twice as likely to drop out of high school before graduating,
  • Twice as likely to divorce themselves as adults,
  • Less socially competent and tend to linger in adolescents before moving into adulthood.

Andrew Cherlin, a family demographer at Johns Hopkins University, said that even those who grow up to be very successful as adults carry “the residual trauma of their parents’ breakup.”

In other words, when we, as adults make the decision to divorce we are going against our natural parental instincts…protecting our children from harm. Some would argue that divorce in and of itself does not cause harm to children. They believe that it is the behavior of the parents during a divorce that determines how a child will fare or what the consequences will be.

I agree that as parents we can lessen the negative effects of divorce on our children. There are obligations that parents have during divorce that can help our children cope. The issue I have though is this, during my career as a divorce family therapist who has worked closely with divorcing clients and their children, the children seem to take a backseat to their parent’s needs during that time.

Parents are more focused on the legal process of divorce and their own emotional needs than their children’s needs. Until I see a change in the way the majority of parents behave during divorce I will hold onto my belief that children are irreparably harmed by divorce and suffer due to parents who are unable to parent and divorce at the same time.

The post The Unvarnished Truth About Children And Divorce appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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your teen cope with divorce: sad teen girl on couch with dog

7 Tips to Help Your Teen Cope with Divorce

your teen cope with divorce: sad teen girl on couch with dog

 

The teenage years can be challenging for both a teenager and his or her parents after a divorce. Helping your teenager to make a smooth transition to becoming a more independent person can be complex in a divorced family.

Some of the challenges that teens face in divorced families include: going back and forth between two homes, different rules in each house, loyalty conflicts with their parents, moving, dealing with parents dating just as they’re exploring intimate relationships; and possibly adjusting to one or both parents’ remarriage and stepsiblings.

Experts advise us that adolescence is a time of transition from being a child to establishing an identity different from your parents. This normal process can become more complicated as teens experience the breakup up their parents’ marriage. Although it may take them about a year to adjust to your divorce, feelings of sadness or anger may reappear during stressful times such as taking exams or a parents’ remarriage – even if they’re coping fairly well overall.

Some warning signs that your teen is having difficulty coping with your divorce include displaying intense mood swings that range from extreme elation to extreme hostility toward others that last more than a few days. Also, they might rage towards others and overreact to triggers in their environment. This could be anything from temper tantrums (especially in public) to becoming exceedingly angry or irritable over small things.

Other warning signs of depression or psychological problems include radical changes in behavior such as fighting at school, cheating, stealing, lying, or intense arguments with others (teachers, friends; or you or their other parent), declining school performance for over a period of a few weeks, developing physical ailments or chronic complaints (such as stomach or headaches), sleep problems, eating disorders (or gaining or losing more than ten pounds when not trying to), changes in peer relationships such as losing friends or isolating themselves from social activities, and sadness that lasts more than a few days.

During and after divorce, it’s crucial that both parents promote a healthy bond with their teenager in order to nurture high self-esteem and resiliency. Showing your teen compassion and understanding won’t guarantee success every day but they’ll feel less stressed as a result. Be sure to establish an open dialogue with your teen so they can discuss the stresses in their life and brainstorm solutions with you.

7 tips to help your teen cope with divorce:

  • Be an active listener when your teen wants to talk. When kids feel valued by their parents, they will value them in return. Teenagers are under a lot of stress at school and in peer relationships so need you to be available to listen. Turn off your cell phone when you’re with him or her. If you must take a call, keep it short and apologize if it interfered with your time together.
  • Don’t bad mouth or argue with your ex in front of your teen. Model self-control and being polite with your former spouse. Negative comments about his/her other parent are likely to cause teens to experience loyalty conflicts – which can lead to emotional pain and turmoil.
  • Avoid putting your teen in the middle between you and your ex. Be careful not to share too many details about your divorce with your teenager. Don’t grill them with questions about the other parent!
  • Promote a healthy bond between your teen and both parents. It’s important to be flexible with your expectations about scheduling “Parenting Time” at both houses (if this is possible). Keep in mind that a teen needs some control over his or her schedule.
  • Be a positive role-model by taking care of your own mental and physical health. Go to the gym or take a power walk and invite your teen to join you. Seek out supportive friendships and counseling if needed so you can stay optimistic about your future.
  • Set limits with love. Many parents complain that their teens are rarely home once they begin to drive or work. Remember you are the parent and need to set a positive tone for your household, including having expectations for behavior, curfew, etc..
  • Be aware of warning signs of depression and seek professional help if needed. Adolescence is often a time of turmoil which is exaggerated by the multitude of changes that go along with parental divorce. If any of the warning signs detailed above persist for more than a few weeks, you are wise to seek professional help.

Ways to promote your teenager’s resiliency include expressing empathy, understanding, and support when they’re going through a challenging time. For instance, Haley noticed changes in her daughter Alana’s behavior when she was fourteen, after her remarriage.  Alana showed signs of depression such as sleep problems, complaints of chronic physical symptoms, and avoiding contact with her friends. She also began protesting spending overnights at her dad’s house.

Fortunately, Alana’s parents agreed that it was in her best interests to revise her custody schedule temporarily and to seek counseling for her. As a result, Alana attended counseling for six months and was able to come to terms with the losses she experienced when her parents divorced – eventually restoring a better sleep routine, improving her social life, and spending overnights at her dad’s home.

Experts agree that friends, school, extracurricular activities, and jobs are all crucial to a teen’s well-being. Being flexible in your parenting schedule allows your teenager to enjoy the things that are essential for his or her life. Operating from a mind-set that your teen needs balance in their life will serve as a protective factor during the whirlwind of adolescence. Your teen might end up feeling disappointed or resentful if you try to get them to adhere to your expectations or you’re rigid.

Why is it that some teenagers seem to make it through their parents’ divorce relatively easily, while others struggle and are more likely to have a negative reaction?  The reasons for these differences include the child’s personality and temperament, gender, parenting styles, and a families’ post-divorce adjustment. Keep in mind that some teens, especially girls, don’t show outward signs of trouble until years later. Many experts refer to this tendency as the “Sleeper Effect.”

The good news is that if you’ve built a healthy foundation with your teen prior to your divorce, it’s likely that they’ll be resilient and adjust to your divorce. When you take time to truly listen to your teenager, they’ll be more likely to ask your advice when they have a problem. Divorce expert Rosalind Sedacca CCT writes: “How you handle this now will affect your long-term relationship with her. So don’t stand on your soap-box. Show her your empathy, compassion, and the ability to turn the other cheek.”

Finally, finding time in your busy schedule to listen to their concerns and engage in mutually enjoyable activities can help ease their adjustment to your divorce. Making an attempt to stay connected with your teen is worth the effort!

Terry Gaspard on FacebookTwitter, and movingpastdivorce.com

More from Terry

6 Ways to Mend Trust After Divorce

Building Resiliency in Children After Divorce

This blog appeared previously on movingpastdivorce.com

The post 7 Tips to Help Your Teen Cope with Divorce appeared first on Divorced Moms.



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COVID-19 And Divorce: Effective Child and Spousal Support Strategies

COVID-19 And Divorce: Effective Child and Spousal Support Strategies

Many guys across the United States are facing a severe economic strain due to the COVID-19 pandemic. Divorced fathers, in particular, are being hit hard as they try to figure out how they are going to make their child support payments.

 Cordell & Cordell’s latest Virtual Town Hall reviewed strategies men can utilize during this time to modify child support or alimony.

File quickly

In the town hall, Cordell & Cordell’s divorce attorneys explained the vital importance of filing quickly as to set a retroactive date that will lead to relief.

“They really should be looking county to county,” Cordell & Cordell Mississippi Litigation Attorney Jerrod Rayborn said. “Initially, with the filings for support or divorce, there was a big slowdown, but that has started to speed up.

“Depending on what county you are in, some counties you can go directly into the clerk and file it, and it’s done that day. Other counties, you have to leave it in a Dropbox.”

Gathering important information

When seeking a modification, it is your responsibility to help your divorce attorney as much as possibly by gathering relevant financial records.

“Whenever you file a motion to modify, whether you’re modifying alimony or modifying child support, you’re going to want information on not only your own finances, but what your ex is going through during this pandemic,” Cordell & Cordell Oklahoma Litigation Attorney Carly Haiduk said. “Issuing, even if it’s just a few discover requests, can be beneficial.”

Although the discovery process might seem a little invasive, it is important for proving to the court why a modification is necessary.

“Discovery is just the process for getting information from the other side,” Ms. Haiduk said. “For example, in Oklahoma, when you file a motion to modify, you can ask 30 questions under oath. You can ask your ex if she’s earning any extra income at this time. Is she on furlough? Did she get some sort of severance package?

“Getting all of that information, so you can use it in negotiations and present it to the court in your motion to modify.”

Modifying spousal support

The attorneys also noted that the process for modifying spousal support can sometimes be a little more difficult than child support.

“Your first step is going to be taking a look at the language in your marriage settlement agreement, in order to see if it’s modifiable or not modifiable,” Cordell & Cordell New Jersey Senior Litigation Attorney Michael Prasad said. “Even if the language in your agreement indicates that it is nonmodifiable, it’s still a good idea to consult with an attorney.

“Alimony obligations are modifiable based on the showing of a change in circumstance, and judges operate very differently from jurisdiction to jurisdiction, and even from county to county. Some judges may look at that and say ‘Well, you have a contract you entered into,’ and some judges and courts may look at the circumstances and see that the change in circumstances was unforeseeable.”

More information

Cordell & Cordell is continuing to produce weekly Virtual Town Halls and daily podcasts to answer your questions about how the pandemic is impacting family law. You can find a full library of content on this topic on the Cordell & Cordell COVID-19 and Divorce Information Hub.

The post COVID-19 And Divorce: Effective Child and Spousal Support Strategies appeared first on Dads Divorce.

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Do You Need a Divorce After Sheltering in Place?

Do You Need a Divorce After Sheltering in Place?

For many marriages on the brink of divorce, the additional stress of the outbreak may have led you to hit a breaking point. If this resonates with you, read on for some tips moving forward.

The post Do You Need a Divorce After Sheltering in Place? appeared first on Divorce Magazine.

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What goes into an award of spousal support here in Texas?

Texas appeals court asked to reconsider same-sex divorce case

Originally published by On behalf of Laura Dale.

The battle for equal rights for same-sex couples didn’t end when the Supreme Court quashed the Defense of Marriage Act in 2015. New sorts of battles — many of them related to the way that same-sex couples were treated in the past — were just beginning.

One of those battles is determining what exactly makes a marriage when your marriage isn’t recognized under the laws of your state. Same-sex couples who were in long-term, committed relationships that fall technically short of the definition of marriage only because the parties were of the same gender find themselves facing this question often when such a marriage comes to an end.

Why does the date of a same-sex marriage matter if the couple is splitting? It’s simply because the start and end of a marriage is both a social and a financial contract. The date of a marriage often informs issues like how much spousal support a dependent spouse is due or what assets are really marital assets and subject to division in a divorce.

Now, the Texas Fifth District Court of Appeals is being asked to grant a new divorce trial to a man who split from his partner of 15 years just prior to the Obergefell v. Hodges decision that made same-sex marriage legal throughout the country. A lower court said that no marriage existed because there was no legal same-sex marriage in Texas.

The plaintiff and his attorneys argue that the couple did everything short of legally marry. They say that since they were prevented from doing so by a law that is now considered unconstitutional, that shouldn’t prevent the court from treating their relationship as a marriage.

Cases like this will, unfortunately, continue to come up for a long time into the future. That’s why same-sex couples seeking a divorce are wise to look for attorneys who understand their unique concerns.

Curated by Texas Bar Today. Follow us on Twitter @texasbartoday.



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Dealing With Chronic Pain After Divorce

Dealing With Chronic Pain After Divorce

It can be difficult to deal with the everyday effects of chronic pain without some kind of help.

The post Dealing With Chronic Pain After Divorce appeared first on Divorce Magazine.

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5 Things to Consider About Bankruptcy After Divorce

5 Things to Consider About Bankruptcy After Divorce

Deciding to file bankruptcy can be a stressful task after an already stressful divorce. See 5 things to consider before you decide to pursue debt relief.

The post 5 Things to Consider About Bankruptcy After Divorce appeared first on Divorce Magazine.

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What goes into an award of spousal support here in Texas?

What you should know about your business debt and your divorce

Originally published by On behalf of Laura Dale.

Could your business debt become a big problem in your divorce?

Most of the time, people think that the biggest bone of contention in a high-asset divorce is likely to be the family assets. However, business debt belonging to one party can also cause major headaches.

You may find yourself scrambling to convince a judge that a loan you took against business property to pay for family expenses should be repaid out of the marital assets. You may find that the judge won’t allow you to base your support payments off the reduced income you’ve been taking — even though the rest of the money was being put toward your business debts. Either way, you could walk away from your marriage saddled with a lot more business debt than you can manage.

How can you avoid this kind of problem? The experts say that there are a few basic rules you need to follow:

  1. Keep your business money separate from your family money. They’re two different resources, meant for two different purposes.
  2. If you do borrow against the business or the business property for personal reasons, clearly document where all of the money went. Also, keep track of any repayments that were made to the business out of family funds.
  3. Never pay your family expenses out of the business funds during your divorce. That’s a quick way to have the court impute more income to your name than you might otherwise believe is fair.

When you’re a business owner, there’s no such thing as a “simple” divorce. It may take the help of a forensic accountant and a financial advisor as well as your attorney to get you through.

Curated by Texas Bar Today. Follow us on Twitter @texasbartoday.



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Can Child Support and Spousal Support be Changed After a Divorce is Final?

Can Child Support and Spousal Support be Changed After a Divorce is Final?

It’s a good idea to check with your lawyer every few years and ask the attorney to investigate the possibility of a modification in child support or maintenance.  

The post Can Child Support and Spousal Support be Changed After a Divorce is Final? appeared first on Divorce Magazine.

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Disbarred Divorce Attorney DIED of Coronavirus in Santa Clara: Contact Tracing  Begins

 
​Nearly  three years after Lynne Yates Carter taught lawyers how to earn more in fee awards at a lawyer training led by Judge James Towery and Justice Mary Greenwood at the Santa Clara County bar association , Lynne Yates Carter was disbarred and has now reportedly died. Her death is rumored to be connected to COVID-19 and contact tracing of the county’s  dirtiest divorce lawyers has begun.

Yates- Carter was celebrated in the local family law community for getting the wife of lawyer Richard Falcone sanctioned over $1 million dollars and declared vexatious in the Falcone v Fyke divorce case.  This case became the flagship for divorce lawyers and family court judges operating a criminal enterprise out of the area’s family courts where lawyers who are part of a criminal enterprise convinced clients to use a fake judge, claiming a lawyer overseeing a divorce instead of a duly elected judge ”  will be cheaper, faster and more private”, Minor’s counsel appointments are pimped out to local judges in return for appointments to act in the best interest of the children whose parents get caught in crosshairs of this criminal enterprise.. Lynne Yates Carter and her corrupt associate,  Tracy Duell Cazes.  wrote the playbook on this corrupt practice. Duell- Cazes continues to benefit by acting as a private judge where she can earn $5 million a year doing very little work..   

Contact tracing related  to Lynne’s death has turned up far more than coronavirus super spreaders.. Emergency orders in the county  have closed the courts  and county buildings.  These closures have reduced opportunities for lawyers to hold secret meetings that historically have provided an important tool for the most corrupt lawyers using the public courthouse to conduct their criminal conduct.  This conduct has now drawn the   attention of federal investigators who  are now looking into  family court cases where Yates Cater and her associates,  including Duell Cazes and Kathryn Schlepphorst,  appear to be at the center of the scandal.  

In what appears to be a deathbed confession, Yates Carter revealed corruption where divorce lawyers and family court judges have  turned a blind eye to child abuse and money laundering in attorney trust accounts. . Once she was disbarred Lynne Yates Carter reportedly warned  Elise Mitchell and Sharon Roper that the COVID-19 crisis could significantly impact the enterprise as  real property equity in the area dries up and court business  essentially grinds to a  halt. Further, Shelia Pott , a loan manager, recently lost an important appeal and is worried the loans she wrote for area lawyers and judges as kickbacks for favorable rulings in her own divorce case are now on the  radar of federal investigators at the DOJ. 

Jason Pintar has also been exposed for his role in the darkest part of the  enterprise after  it was discovered that cases Pintar was involved in with Constance Carpenter, Nat Hales, Richard Roggia , Laura Perry and Annie Fortino appear to be related to  sex trafficking rings revealed in cases before Judge Mary Ann  Grilli in 2014 and Judge Towery in 2017. Pintar appears to have  teamed up with Laura Perry and Annie Fortino  who have connections to the Gilroy Police and local politicians.   

 Twenty years ago, attorney Ed Mills  was  appointed in the Falcone v, Fyke divorce case as a referee/ Private Judge.  Ms. Fkye had to represent herself,  Over 20 years,  Lynne  Yates Carter,  is believed to have brought in cases that have generated  millions of dollars in fees to benefit  private judges James Cox, Ed Mills, Nat Hales, Sharon Roper, Michael Smith, Richard Roggia, Ed Berra and, Tracy Duell- Cazes..  

An attorney,  believed to be David Patton.  was recently overheard speaking to a staffer claiming Yates Carter’s death was timely as her recent disbarment threatened to expose private judging, attorney trust account abuses   and minor’s counsel appointments in the county. 
A whistleblower who contacted this website noted that family law attorneys are worried COVID-19 will expose mass corruption in the family courts in a manner that will result in the termination of what surely was the golden era for corruption in California’s courts. 

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