0:00 Intro
0:36 Review of Echoism
1:26 Passive Echoism
2:10 Active Echoism
Are Echoists Passive?
I was asked by a community member if echoists are passive. In this video, I share some information about two forms of echoism, both passive and active, and what they look like in relationships.
00:00 How to Overcome Echoism: Healthy Anger
1:58 What is Primary Healthy Anger?
6:35 Experience vs Expression of Anger
8:50 How Healthy Anger Empowers Echoists
Recently, I’ve been inundated with requests from journalists to discuss “echoism,” a term I introduced in my book, Rethinking Narcissism. Articles on the subject are trending, and a new book, Echoism, even devotes itself to understanding the topic in depth. Echoism support groups, therapists, and workshops are springing up, and demand for information appears to be growing. But what does the word mean?
I’ve compiled my answers to nine of the most frequently asked questions about echoism.
1. What is echoism? Echoism is a trait that my colleagues and I have begun measuring, and like all traits, it exists to a greater or lesser degree in everyone. People who score well above average in echoism qualify as echoists, and their defining characteristic is a fear of seeming narcissistic in any way. Of all the people we measured, echoists were the most “warm-hearted,” but they were also afraid of becoming a burden, felt unsettled by attention, especially praise, and agreed with statements like, “When people ask me my preferences, I’m often at a loss.” Where narcissists are addicted to feeling special, echoists are afraid of it. In the myth of Narcissus, Echo, the nymph who eventually falls madly in love with Narcissus, has been cursed to repeat back the last few words she hears. Like their namesake, echoists definitely struggle to have a voice of their own.
2. Can echoism exist without narcissism? Regardless of how it begins — and there are many childhood causes — echoism, like any trait, persists regardless of whom people spend their time with. Still, echoists are often drawn to narcissists precisely because they’re so afraid of burdening others or seeming “needy” that to have someone who relishes taking up all the room, as narcissists often do, comes as something of a relief; but it’s a high price to pay for a respite from their anxieties. When narcissists become abusive, echoists sometimes blame themselves for their mistreatment (“I expect too much”; “I’m being overly sensitive”; “I shouldn’t have gone back”; etc.). No one deserves to be abused, whether they stay in a relationship or not — abuse is 100 percent the responsibility of the abuser — but echoists can mire themselves in abusive relationships, because they feel responsible for their mistreatment.
3. Are some people more apt to become extreme echoists? Echoists appear to be born with more emotional sensitivity than most of us — they feel deeply — and when that temperament is exposed to a parent who shames or punishes them for having any needs at all, they’re apt to grow up high in echoism. A client of mine had a narcissistic father who grew enraged whenever people didn’t do exactly what he wanted — a misplaced dish was enough to set him off — and as a result of his lessons (my way or the highway), she wasn’t just afraid to say what she needed or wanted. She didn’t even know what that was. This is typical with extreme echoists — they’re so afraid expressing their needs will cost them love that they lose touch with their own desires.
00:00 Stop Doing This if You’re with a Narcissist
00:40 Defining Echoism (Take the test!)
01:47 Don’t do this with a Narcissist!
03:27 Where You Learned the “Figuring Out” Strategy
04:39 Seeing the Problem More Clearly
06:52 Do this Instead 🙂
One trap for #echoists when it comes to leaving bad (narcissistic) relationships is a species of self-blame: the figuring out response. “I wonder if s/he meant it? Does s/he have NPD? Was that real?” The reality is that echoists learned this strategy in their family of origin. Rather than being encouraged to trust their gut, they’re often pushed to try to think about what their narcissistic caregiver is thinking or doing or feeling–in other words what makes them tick. But in healthy loving relationships, if someone does something upsetting or disappointing, we’re not expected to think about why or try to prevent future hurts by understanding the psychology of the person we’re close to. Healthy intimacy involves saying “ouch” when hurt.
If your son or daughter was hurt by a friend, you likely wouldn’t ask them “Why do you think they did that? or What do you think they were thinking? Or do you think they did it on purpose?” You’d say, I’m so sorry. That must have really hurt.” And comfort them. But #echoists had to survive experiences by hoping that if they figured out their narcissistic caregivers they, themselves, could prevent being hurt. And as adults they often do the same with their partners. I
It’s not your job to figure anyone out but yourself. And doing so is often a well-cultivated habit, to protect yourself from attack after simply saying ouch–and protect narcissistic friends and partners from feeling hurt simply because you dare to say “I didn’t like that.”
Recognize the *figuring out* response as what it is– and always was: yet another way of shouldering responsibility for someone else’s bad behaviors.
https://family-court-corruption.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/12/1670464855_maxresdefault.jpg7201280adminhttps://family-court-corruption.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/11/fcc-logo-jpg.jpgadmin2022-12-08 02:00:552022-12-08 02:00:55Stop Doing This if You’re with a Narcissist
00:00 How to Protect Yourself from the Trap of Covert Narcissism: The Science Might Surprise You!
00:25 Brief Overview of Covert vs Overt Narcissism
02:25 New Research on how Covert (Introverted) Narcissists Act in Relationships
06:25 Extraverted (Overt) Narcissism and the Dark Tetrad
08:40 Recognize “Apparent” Vulnerability (Emotionality)!
Covert narcissism and covert narcissists are particularly confusing for survivors because the *appear* to be vulnerable, even though they’re not. And that can be especially troublesome for echoists, as I discussed in the previous video, who may see such moments of apparent vulnerability as a bid for the very caretaking they tend to be good at.
Here I review the most recent hot-off-the-presses research on the difference between overt (extraverted) and covert (introverted) narcissism, with a special focus on the unique dangers each of them presents. Then I give you a way to see way a head of time any trouble the relationship might bring into your life.
https://family-court-corruption.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/11/1669254531_maxresdefault.jpg7201280adminhttps://family-court-corruption.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/11/fcc-logo-jpg.jpgadmin2022-11-24 01:48:452022-11-24 01:48:45Protecting Yourself from Covert Narcissism: What Science Says
00:00 Understanding Covert Narcissism: Real Emotion vs Emotionality
01:49 Emotionality in Covert Narcissism
02:50 A Simple Way to Recognize Emotionality
04:00 Examples of Emotionality
05:00 Do This When You See Emotionality
Covert narcissism, which as I explain in Rethinking Narcissism and in my talks, is simply introverted narcissism. Survivors, especially echoists, who often instinctively rely on caretaking behaviors in their relationships, often confuse the apparent vulnerability or “emotionality” of introverted narcissists with emotion. In previous videos I’ve described this but many of you still had questions about how to tell the difference. Here, I tell you exactly how real emotions and emotionality can be easily distinguished from one another–and what to do to avoid being pulled into old habits when you see inauthentic emotion.
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One of the most powerful tools in battling anxiety and posttraumatic stress disorder, drawn straight from science, is the knowledge of how trauma symptoms operate in our nervous system.
Here, in a three -part video, you’ll learn why PTSD develops, and how our bodies already have a built-in capacity to overcome it.
Posttraumatic stress disorder falls into 4 clusters of symptoms:
Reexperiencing (intrusion), which includes nightmares, flashbacks, intrusive memories, and even body memories (physical feelings associated with past trauma that occur in the present.)
Hyperarousal, which includes intense anxiety and feeling chronically or intermittently “keyed up or on edge,” often presenting as irritability and/or strong startle responses or jumpiness.
Avoidance of thoughts feelings and reminders of the traumatic experience, which often includes emotional “numbing”
Changes in mood and thinking, especially feelings of depression and an impulse to isolate (this latter cluster, not mentioned in my video, has only recently been added in the DSM V) .
The key to reducing any symptom of PTSD–or anxiety , itself, for that matter–is to remember the lesson from over half a century of research: *you can’t be relaxed and anxious at the same time* The fancy name for this well established phenomenon is “reciprocal inhibition.”
For some time now, we’ve known that there are two sides to the nervous system: the sympathetic (flight or flight) and parasympathetic (relaxation response). When one side of the nervous system switches on, the other begins switching off (or more accurately, as one becomes more active, the other becomes less active.)
This is far more than a fun research fact There’s tremendous power in this knowledge because *all the symptoms of PTSD ride on top of a fight or flight state.* All of them.
Without the sympathetic nervous system in full drive, we can’t have intrusive thoughts, flashbacks, jumpiness, or avoidance (which is s way of reducing anxiety in the short term). We have no need to isolate or shut down. We’re less likely to fly off the handle. Not because we’ve convinced ourselves we’re safe, but because our nervous system is no longer acting as though we’re always in a life and death situation.
In other words, the push-pull of these two sides of our nervous system means we have the capacity to self-manage trauma and anxiety symptoms; the more time we spend practicing known methods of activating a parasympathetic reaction–mediation, progressive muscle relaxation. yoga, diaphragmatic breathing, aerobic exercise (which trigger a calmness afterwards)–the more trauma symptoms begin to lose their hold on us. We remember the feeling of peace, more and more–and so does our nervous system. I call this lowering your idle.
Picture the idle on a car. It can be set higher or lower, depending on how the engine is tuned. If it starts lower, it can’t redline (over rev or overheat) as easily or quickly.
The same is true of our nervous system. Greater familiarity with (and time in) a parasympathetic state makes us less likely to “red line” (experience fight or flight spikes) because our sympathetic nervous system arousal is already at a lower state. And that means fewer trauma symptoms.
In this followup video, I demonstrate a simple combination of mindful breathing and grounding to practice activating a parasympathetic response while feeling *safely* present, which is key to reducing trauma symptoms without triggering dissociation.
https://family-court-corruption.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/11/1668044720_maxresdefault.jpg7201280adminhttps://family-court-corruption.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/11/fcc-logo-jpg.jpgadmin2022-11-10 01:45:162022-11-10 01:45:16The Simplest Way to Reduce Anxiety & Trauma Symptoms: Part 3
