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I Couldn’t Heal After My Divorce Because I Kept Pretending I Wasn’t Hurt.

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couldn't heal: concerned woman with head in hand

 

We live in a world with a lot of judgments. And life just isn’t always simple. God knows that getting divorced when you have children in common is far from simple.

When I get the look from people in my life about why I wanted to be a Life Coach to help other single moms, I am always met with a sideways glance that asks, “when are you going to get over your divorce?” It’s not an oral question asked, but rather just a look. A look that I have seen many times and one that I am quite familiar with.

Why am I so delayed in what appears to be my grief by focusing on divorced moms as a topic of discussion, let alone an additional career path?

I Couldn’t Heal Because I Kept Pretending I Wasn’t Hurt.

And my answer is, “I couldn’t heal because I kept pretending I wasn’t hurt.” I couldn’t focus on it at the appropriate time that one would deal with something as traumatic as divorce can be. I had two small babies that needed so much from me and I was so afraid that if I did indulge in the feelings of the true trauma of what happened to my life, I would never be able to find my way back.

It took my children to finally reach young adulthood for me to be able to take a much-needed pause and really look back over the shoulder of my past and see what I did wrong and what I did right. There were so many items that could fall into both of those buckets. And to be honest, pretending that I wasn’t hurt in a funny way served me well.

If I could look at my life and pretend I wasn’t alone, pretend I wasn’t scared, pretend I wasn’t daunted, and pretend I wasn’t the only one in my family divorced…well maybe it was by that alone that I somehow survived. After all, isn’t “playing and pretending” one of the first skills we learn as children? I was and always have been so good at putting on a brave face and pushing through to get to the other side of something. But who I am today as a result of this is far from being the “Great Pretender”.

Look closely at the present you are constructing. It should look like the future you are dreaming. Alice Walker

Being somebody I didn’t became all too easy for me. And in those years while I was pretending, I realized that I was piece by piece becoming a new me. I was slowly becoming reborn. In the years of feeling victimized by my ex-husband or the woman who took him from us or the bosses that couldn’t understand the weight of my responsibilities at home, or the family members who couldn’t understand me at all or the boyfriend who couldn’t understand why he was not the center of my universe….well, it all just made me find my voice and find enough strength to yell ENOUGH!

I don’t owe my ex-husband comfort in being a compliant ex-wife.

I don’t owe his concubine my nervous system and shattered heart.

I don’t owe my boss any explanations about my personal life when I’m one of his top performers.

I don’t owe my family members a weekly program as to what was happening in my life and I don’t owe any boyfriend anything at all.

What I do know is that I deserve and have earned respect from each and every one of those people by the sacrifices I and my children had made in order to secure their comfort levels. I owe only to me. I owe it to myself to love and approve of the person I have become.

In order to love who you are, you cannot hate the experiences that shaped you.

I have experienced more life than most of the people I know. Or at least it feels as though I have. And yet when I try to remember things that happened, I only remember them in a wash of grey. I don’t really remember the details that well. I do think that this is actually a byproduct of trauma and how we cope.

Or at least it seemingly is how I coped. Today, when I speak with women who have been through the trials of divorce and are coping with being a single parent, I get as much comfort in talking with them, as they do when talking with me. I do tend to ask myself periodically, what wisdom do I have and what can I impart upon the legions of single moms that seek my help?

The first message I receive from single moms is that they feel alone and frightened but cannot show it for fear that their children may pick up on this. They also feel that their friends and family will feel pressured to have to help, so they don’t show any neediness and they don’t ask for help. They don’t want to appear vulnerable to anyone. We straddle two worlds as divorced moms. One of being heartbroken and the other of being the strong women we are required to be, by virtue of today’s standards. We are required to feel like Rosie the Riveter 24/7 flexing our strong muscles and being somehow invincible.

The first thing I want to make clear to each and every one of the women I meet with shortly after saying hello, is that they are validated, and their feelings are real. And we start from there. No need to put on airs. My sign says, “Leave your cape at the door. Superheroes not required here.” Often times while we “pretend” we do so in an effort to make those around us more comfortable. And we do so at our own peril.

Be thankful for the wrong relationships. They teach you, change you, strengthen you and prepare you for the right one.

Divorce hurts. Whether you initiated it or not, it still hurts.

It hurts if you were cheated on.

It hurts if you fell out of love.

It hurts you, your parents, your siblings…. anyone who thought your marriage was the model union of which my tribe all thought.

But it also really hurts our children if we don’t address this kick to our hearts.

I admit I didn’t handle my broken heart well because I just didn’t address it at all.  I just felt so erased and in a split second the home and the family we were building meant nothing. I was hurt. My husband left me for another woman weeks after our second child was born. I was hurt. I lost my husband, my best friend, my entire nervous system, my financial security, and my sanity. I was hurt. But, I never addressed it.

I do have the luxury of wisdom now. I do know what I did wrong, and what I did right. I have learned lessons that can indeed be shared. I know… heartbreak or not, I did marry the wrong man. He wasn’t a bad man, just the wrong man. I was the wrong woman for him too. He never meant to hurt me. He is not a man without a heart. He was just a lost man who needed someone else to ride out the rest of his life with. I get it now.

I also know that whether there is a right one for me or not, I am still growing, learning, and evolving. And the woman I am today doesn’t operate to make everyone else comfortable first. She accepts herself and expresses herself and gladly shares her sense of wisdom with anyone who wants to listen. And it’s okay if they don’t.

Being a Life Coach to divorced moms is a calling that was meant to be. There are few things in this world I feel more passionate about. I will never be able to forget the trauma of my divorce and that’s okay. The memories I have are a mixture of good and horrible all in one. But they serve to perhaps help other women not experience some of the broken pieces I had to endure.

And if they do, we can work together to rebuild. If at the very least I can make them feel less alone and a little more whole, I will have done what I set out to do. And I make no further explanations to anyone on that.

The post I Couldn’t Heal After My Divorce Because I Kept Pretending I Wasn’t Hurt. appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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Top 3 Effective Ways to Heal Yourself After Divorce

Top 3 Effective Ways to Heal Yourself After Divorce

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Getting over a divorce could take years. You certainly wouldn’t want to let your divorce control your emotions or your ability to live a normal life for that long.

The post Top 3 Effective Ways to Heal Yourself After Divorce appeared first on Divorce Magazine.

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How to Heal Your Relationship With Your Divorced Dad During the Holidays

How to Heal Your Relationship With Your Divorced Dad During the Holidays

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Often people think they should feel a sense of warmth, togetherness, and gratitude on the holidays. By managing your expectations, keeping your situation in perspective, and choosing not to be victim, you can reclaim your power.

The post How to Heal Your Relationship With Your Divorced Dad During the Holidays appeared first on Divorce Magazine.

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You Can’t Heal What You’re Afraid To Feel

You Can’t Heal What You’re Afraid To Feel

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We have all been so disconnected from FEELING our FEELINGS that we innately believe we should do everything possible to turn away from and avoid them.

The messages we believe are ‘Don’t think about it’, ‘Do something to distract yourself from it’, ‘Think nice or grateful thoughts instead’.

Yet negative emotions, beliefs and unconscious programs are like housework. If unattended they simply pile up and get worse.

It’s my greatest desire that you escape the LIES you have been told about avoiding your emotions forever, and you come home to the ONLY way to Heal for Real.

Because the truth is … it is impossible to recover from trauma unless we feel our feelings.

 

 

Video Transcript

I understand the terror of our feelings.

They can feel TOO big.

We may believe the intensity of painful feelings will take us OUT.

We may have the fear that if we get mired in them, we will not be able to function.

Maybe you believe that healing is going to take forever and that you have to go slowly because you are feeling too much intensity.

And then there are all the unconscious ways we don’t want to ‘feel our feelings’.

Ways such as sneaky, pesky, egoic excuses that distract us from the inner work. Or we may stay busy or zone out with food, alcohol, TV and social media.

The ways that we can avoid emotions and self-medicate and self-abandon our Inner Being are endless.

Today I want to get right down to the essential truths that no-one really has been telling us – apart from people who now understand the truth about trauma recovery.

And this truth is… That it is impossible to recover from trauma unless you feel your feelings.

I want to take you through this step-by-step: why we must feel our feelings as well as how to do it safely, lovingly and powerfully – regardless of how much you have suffered and been through.

Okay, before we get started, thank you everyone who has subscribed to my channel and for supporting the Thriver Mission. And if you haven’t yet subscribed, I want to remind you to please do. And if you like this video, please make sure you hit the like button.

Now to begin…

 

Feeling Your Feelings Was Vital Even Before Abuse

I certainly didn’t know how important it was to be able to feel my feelings before my Thriver Recovery. In fact, I wasn’t even in my body, partnered with myself in any way. How was I to know this was not healthy when this was my ‘normal?’

I know it has been the same for many of you – living disassociated; not being housed emotionally in your body; looking outwards to life whilst being stuck in survival programs – rather than generating self-creation.

When we are attempting to live life from the outside in, trying to work out what everyone else is or isn’t being, so that we can somehow respond to that to survive – we are a reactor and victim of life.

Yet what we really need to be is a responder and creator of it.

Being a reactor to life equals ‘how to lose’ – every time.

Reacting to life means – ‘I will try to adapt me to become what is necessary to make you grant me what I need to feel safe, successful and loved.’

Responding to life means – ‘I will align with my values, truths and boundaries regarding what my desired life is, and you will either lean in and join me in this experience or leave and clear the way for someone who shares my values and truths and does.’

It’s vital to understand that living life powerfully and successfully, from the inside out, is NOT a logical thing.

You can’t generate this by trying to logically make it happen.

And the reason why you can’t, is because your logical brain only generates 5% of your life experience. What is really unfolding as your life, is from your emotional composition, beliefs and subconscious programs.

Which in short is HOW you FEEL about any topic in your life and the TRUTHS you have EMBODIED about them.

If you haven’t yet come home to your Inner Being to resolve, partner with and heal your emotional self, in regard to the painful topics in your life, including of course narcissistic abuse, then your emotional feelings, beliefs and subconscious programs will be unhealed. They will remain traumatised.

This almighty remaining 95% of your life then rules your thoughts. This is why the stinking thinking and obsessive thoughts that beat you up don’t stop, no matter how hard you try to stop them.

The resolution?

To be in your body, embodied in responding and creating your life effectively. To feel and heal your emotions.

There is no other way.

 

What Your Feelings Are Not

Because of our human obsession to avoid our painful feelings, at all costs, we innately believe we should do everything possible to turn away from and avoid them.

Yet negative emotions, beliefs and unconscious programs are like housework. If unattended they simply pile up and get worse.

This is why, as people age, the trauma, sickness and breakdowns increase and, generally for all of us as members of a narcissistic abuse community, the abusers and the incidents get worse and worse and worse.

The real question is – ‘How bad does it need to get before I do meet my Inner Being and start doing the necessary housework there?’

One of the common reasons why we seem so committed to self-abandoning is the belief that our inner, painful emotions are going to reveal terrible and horrible things about us. Things that we simply may not be able to face.

This is an illusion; it’s not the truth. It’s part of the lie that has been fed to us.

Your negative emotions are NOT who you really are.

They are not your True Coded Divine Self. They are false ideas and lies that were inflicted upon you by other people; people who had these inflicted on them.

Yes, the dense energy of them HURTS. But just as you don’t associate a cut on your leg as ‘I am unlovable, unworthy of love and not worth loving,’ because it is as yet unhealed and feels intensely painful, you should not do the same with any intensely painful feelings.

The truth, which is organically coded into every one of us, is that we are divine, adored and loved beyond measure by all of Creation, because we are Creation itself.

This is the Truth that we are all, in this incredible time, returning to – if you are prepared to wake up, challenge the lies and do the inner work to live free of them.

There is only one way out of the lies… You need to turn within, face and release the negative emotions, and the false beliefs connected to them, and go free of them. You need to know, believe and live within your soul right to FULLY be yourself.

 

What Your Feelings Really Are

Your feelings are no less or more than a signal showing you whether you are integrated on any particular topic in your life or if you have beliefs and traumas blocking you from your True Self and Life.

This is how the ecology of life works regarding your feelings.

What you want with all your heart – love, success, happiness and health – is what your superconscious (God/Source/Creation), which is all the Higher Part of YOU, wants for you too.

This force is benevolent and all-loving.

Whether or not you achieve alignment with this Force, depends on what is going on in your manufacturing powerhouse – your subconscious. When you are aligned on any topic, you feel good and the real-life results unfold beautifully. You experience wholeness.

Triggered traumas, delays, disappointments, and even catastrophes, show you how your inner subconscious beliefs are not what your heart desires and what your Superconscious Creator wants to bring to you.

So, what is your real job?

To attend to the subconscious programs.

How do you do that?

Be at one with your emotions. Accept and bless all of them as the God Signal letting you know ‘where you are at’ with everything and everyone.

If you get caught up in the story, analysis, research and regurgitation of our wounds – meaning staying mired in them – you are missing the point.

You are not supposed to be a student of your negative emotions, any more than you are supposed to study life continually rather than just set yourself FREE to start living it.

What you are supposed to do is find and then LET GO of what is not serving you.

This is the trauma – the emotional fractures, lies, false beliefs and wounds – that are NOT who you really are.

But you can’t do that unless you are determined to meet them and be with them.

If you take the talk therapy track; you hang on to your victimisation. If you identify with these traumas and negative emotions, you simply get stuck and snagged up in your emotions.

If you join groups of ‘survivors’ or ‘victims’, then your only hope is to try to manage the symptoms of the remaining trauma inside of you.

Every time you decide that your negative emotions are you, or a part of you and your life, you hang on to them.

However, you can come back to the Soul Truth, that these negative emotions are only internalised false energies and beliefs inflicted on you.

They are NOT you!

When we Go Quantum we know that there is NO reason to regurgitate or be in the story.

We know we have methods that work directly with the subconscious in ways that the subconscious responds. We can feel, hold, load up and release dense trauma energy, unlike cognitive talk therapy, research and information gathering, which use our logical brain and doesn’t connect to or communicate with our limbic and nervous systems where the trauma energy is trapped.

Once we start working with our negative emotions the Quantum Way, we know that no matter what the trauma is, no matter how big and who it came from, that this information is truly irrelevant.

Yes the traumas you experienced were awful and terrible for you, and their effects have been grave, disastrous and far-reaching in your life, BUT what is relevant now is getting whatever that trauma is ‘up and out’ of your Being.

When this happens, you can simply return to your Coded True Self – which is joy, love, success and health.

When you start living this way, I promise you will realise that simply being with trauma – feeling it, loading it up without getting taken out into the head story, and then fully releasing it and living free from it – profoundly works.

These shifts are somatically felt.

It is so much more than ‘trying to think differently’.

It is a profound process of letting the pain and fear go, and being filled with your superconscious Light and Truth that reactivates you without trauma.

The result is this: you don’t just start trying to force yourself to heal and change – you just ARE healed and changed on that topic.

You emerge knowing and being the wholeness that you were once struggling to grasp, let alone retain.

But, as mentioned before, this doesn’t happen until you are willing to feel WHAT you need to feel and release and replace, from deep within your emotional visceral Being.

 

Being Self-Partnered and Feeling Your Feelings is Your True Divinity

When you start living like this, you will understand how natural it is to be in your body, navigating life from ‘Who Am I REALLY in regard to this?’ rather than trying to work out who to be via everything and everyone else.

It is such a relief to manage and heal your own painful emotions when triggered, rather than handing away your power to False Sources (narcissists) to try to force them to help you.

It is so beautiful to be anchored into your values and truths, and not to be so precariously susceptible to people’s actions, decisions and opinions of you.

When you are self-partnered and have fully accepted all of your emotions as divine and meant to be –‘You are showing me what I am in alignment with and what I need to heal within me’ – then you will become incredible self-accepting, self-loving and self-generative.

You will start to become and experience the glory of what it is to be an actualised human being – living life to your fullest potential; consciously aligning and integrating your subconscious with your conscious heart desires and superconscious Creator Self.

This is what Going Quantum is all about – going inwards and feeling. It is not just the new Neuro and Quantum Model of True Healing, it is also the model of your True Life.

If you deeply get this, let me know by writing below – ‘I am going to Go Quantum NOW!’

Self-partnering is the FIRST essential step to do this – and is exactly what my Thriver Processes teaches. Coming home powerfully, safely and lovingly to yourself.

I ask you to join me in my free healing workshop: The 3 Keys To Thriving After Narcissistic Abuse.

You can do this by clicking the link.

And if you want to see more of my videos, please subscribe so that you will be notified as soon as each new one is released. And if you liked this – click like. Also, please share with your communities so that we can help people awaken to these truths.

As always I am greatly looking forward to answering your comments and questions below.

 

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