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6 Tips For Setting Boundaries With Your New Husband’s Irrational Ex

6 Tips For Setting Boundaries With Your New Husband’s Irrational Ex

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Kimberly had a difficult divorce. She split from her husband after finding out he had an emotional affair with a co-worker. It had been a long two years. Their three children had difficulty adjusting to their new home and a new school. But her kids had moved forward and Kimberly felt that the worst was behind her.

She had worked with a divorce coach to help her set career goals and help her achieve clarity on the next chapter of her life as a single mom. She had set some goals for herself and accomplished one of her lifetime goals, completing a triathlon. It was during this training that she met an older, handsome, athletic man named Charles. He too was divorced and had experienced betrayal. They fell in love and planned to marry the following year.

However, she was questioning the relationship because his ex was making their life hell. Charles’ ex-wife was intrusive and manipulative. She tried repeatedly to splinter the relationship between Charles and his son by saying hurtful things about him in front of their son or making snide comments about his parenting.

She sent texts that were nasty when she did communicate. Drop-offs and pickups were becoming more and more dreaded because Charles’ ex-wife always wanted to confront them in front of his son about the parenting agreement, her alimony, or whatever she was upset about that day. Charles’ ex-wife seemed to hold resentment about the fact that there was to be a new mother figure in her son’s life.

Charles’ son had told Kimberly several comments that his mom had made about her. She was surprised that she was hurt by these remarks. She had only met this woman twice and yet she seemed to hate her! In addition, the children all sensed the animosity, and the tension in the house was growing among everyone.

How could she and Charles build a future together when his ex was hellbent on destroying their family?

When it comes to families blending together, there are many issues to deal with. When you are the new woman and you enter a family that has split, it’s important to set up boundaries.

Setting Boundaries With Your New Husband’s Irrational Ex

1. Understand your own triggers.

When you find that she is really pushing your buttons- ask yourself why. What is it that is bothering you about what she says? You can work with a divorce coach or therapist to get to the underlying root of your feelings so you can move forward. When you understand what is behind your emotions, you can start to control them.

2. Develop strategies to stay in control of your emotions.

When you’ve identified your triggers, you can identify ways to handle your emotions. Meditation, exercise, and keeping a wholesome lifestyle will help you handle the stress that accompanies dealing with high-conflict people. Find healthy outlets, such as supportive friends or join a support group for families of divorce or stepmoms.

3. Communicate positively with (and around) your children.

Never badmouth your spouse’s ex near or around the children-even if you feel you might be justified. These are people that your children love. They will internalize any negative comments. Foster lots of open communication so that they will come to you to openly discuss their feelings. Ignore those comments that are harmful. Focus on the children and their well-being.

4. Technology is your friend.

If communication is difficult, there are many devices and apps that make it easy to keep the communication respectful. Family Wall is an app that allows you to post dates, reminders, schedules, and even pictures that relate to the children. It allows you to share information in a confidential platform. If you can’t physically be around his ex without it becoming confrontational, communicate only through texts, emails, or apps. Plus, you’ll have a record of the conversations.

5. Keep all communication concise and objective.

When communicating with a difficult ex-spouse, here are a few things to keep in mind to maintain respectful interactions. First, keep it short. Leave out unnecessary information. Stick to the facts and keep the tone cordial. Keep your opinions and emotions out of all interactions.

Use texts and emails whenever possible so that there is a written record of what was said and agreed upon. When you have to deal with a challenging person face-to-face, it may be a good idea to have a “script” in your head prepared ahead of time. If the other person tries to engage in a disrespectful manner, simply restate your scripted message in a calm tone and walk away.

6. Attend family therapy or counseling.

As you’re setting up a new family structure, consider setting up family counseling sessions. It’s important to have a neutral party that will help you discuss intense feelings and issues in a constructive way.  It’s important to include the children in the process so that they feel they have a voice through this.

So much is out of their control and they may feel overwhelmed if there are hostilities between the adults that they love. Choose a counselor that has a background working with blended families. One piece of advice that I give to my clients as they begin their journey together is to write out a mission statement together that will keep the family working towards the same goal.

After six months of family counseling, the tension had lessened and there was more laughter around the house. The children were getting along better. Kim continued working with her life coach to help her as she adjusted to her new role as a stepmom. She and Charles began discussing the plans for their wedding and were feeling secure in their commitment to each other.

The post 6 Tips For Setting Boundaries With Your New Husband’s Irrational Ex appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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Is Your Husband’s Professional Degree Marital Property?

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husband's professional degree marital property

 

In many marriages, one spouse may decide to earn an advanced professional degree to start a new career path or further an existing career. The degree might be for medicine, law, accounting, or another similar path, and earning an advanced degree is necessary to obtain a license to practice in many different professions.

The problem is that professional degree programs can be lengthy and rigorous, so it is imperative to have the support of a spouse while someone is pursuing this type of educational program.

Is Your Husband’s Professional Degree Marital Property?

How Wives Might Contribute to Professional Degrees

There are many ways that a wife can contribute to a professional degree for her husband. First, it can be difficult for a husband to work while pursuing a degree, so the wife may accept the full bread-winning responsibilities while her husband is in school. Her income might cover all of the household expenses, as well as educational expenses. After the degree is earned, a wife’s income might go toward paying off student loans and other educational costs.

An advanced degree and professional license can increase a husband’s income once he is done with school, which can improve the standard of living of both spouses moving forward. However, what happens if a divorce occurs? Does the husband get to solely enjoy the future benefits of his degree? Does a wife get reimbursed for her contributions to the professional degree?

How Degrees are Treated in Divorce

How a degree will be treated in your divorce will depend on the specific jurisdiction overseeing your case. Different jurisdictions have their own approaches regarding how degrees are treated in divorce. For example, for decades, the State of New York considered a degree to be marital property, and the value of the degree would be divided between divorcing spouses. However, New York reversed this policy as of 2016, and a degree is no longer treated as marital property.

That a degree is not marital property is the majority view of courts throughout the United States and Canada. Most states in the U.S. follow this principle, and the precedent in Ontario and other Canadian provinces is the same. Generally speaking, a degree or license cannot be sold or transferred like property, and the degree itself has no guaranteed future value without the choices and acts of the degree-holder to earn a living based on the degree.

However, this does not mean that a wife should get nothing in return for her contributions to a husband earning a degree. There are different ways courts handle this situation, depending on the specific circumstances at hand and the jurisdiction.

Options for Wives Regarding Professional Degrees

Courts can take different approaches to ensure that wives are fairly compensated for their sacrifices and contributions to a husband’s success. A couple of examples of how this matter might be addressed by a divorce court are as follows.

Reimbursement Approach

This approach acknowledges that a wife used marital assets to pay for the educational program, and requires the professional spouse to replace marital assets a wife lost as a result. While a wife does not necessarily have the right to a degree as property, she might have a right to reimbursement for her investments, from which she received no lasting benefits. This could be in the form of a larger property distribution, a lump-sum payment, or an alimony award.

Alimony as Compensation

In many situations, a husband’s professional degree will give him a higher earning potential for the future. On the other hand, a wife may have put her career aspirations on hold to support the household and husband while he earned the degree and professional license. When a divorce arises, the two spouses may have a discrepancy in their earning abilities.

A wife should not have a lower standard of living than her spouse after contributing to his professional degree and making sacrifices regarding her own career for the good of the marriage. In this situation, a court may award the wife alimony to accomplish one or more of the following:

  • Compensate her for her contributions
  • Help her enjoy the standard of living she had in the marriage if she cannot afford it based on her current earning power
  • Allow her to obtain her own education or training needed to boost her career and earning potential

Overall, the law in most jurisdictions generally supports the fact that spouses have the duty to support one another, including to help them obtain professional degrees and meet other goals. For this reason, a degree is generally not considered to be marital property, though there are other ways that wives can be reimbursed for their selfless contributions to a spouse’s professional future.

When you and your spouse are discussing property division and possible alimony awards in your divorce case, it is important to know your rights in your jurisdiction. This can help avoid agreeing to a property division resolution that fails to properly compensate you for your contributions and sacrifices. It is always a wise idea to discuss the complicated property and financial issues, such as professional degrees and income discrepancies, with an experienced divorce lawyer who can advocate for your rights.

The post Is Your Husband’s Professional Degree Marital Property? appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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