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Your Biggest Breakdowns Are Your Biggest Lessons

Your Biggest Breakdowns Are Your Biggest Lessons

Believing there are ‘lessons’ to be learned from narcissistic abuse can appear to be controversial and unlikely for some people.

I used to be horrified about believing that there was ANY lesson for me in my times of terrible breakdowns.

However, when I discovered and decided to fully embrace my lesson I was able to mine the gold out of the deepest darkest time of my life.

It is my greatest wish that the information in this video can start to do the same for you too.

 

 

Video Transcript

Today’s Thriver TV episode is a truth bomb that I know can really help you.

It’s about understanding that your biggest breakdowns are in fact your biggest lessons. And I know that you may be opposed to the word “lessons” in this context.

But lessons learned are so worth it. They deliver us to a truly loving and prosperous life.

And that’s exactly what today’s TTV episode is all about.

But before we get started on this, thank you if you have subscribed to my channel. And if you haven’t yet, then please do, to become involved in supporting the Thriver Mission.

Alright, so let’s get going on today’s lesson about why our breakdowns are such incredibly valuable lessons.

 

The True Questions

When we don’t understand the lesson (a.k.a. the gift of the experience that we’re going through) we are stuck in questions of, “How can somebody do this?” and “How can somebody be so terrible?” But I really want you to know any question which is about “them” and is looking “out there” is not going to grant you salvation, healing or your breakthrough.

I have shared Pema Chodron’s famous quote so many times, “Nothing ever goes away until it has taught us what we need to know”.

Narcissistic abuse is the total experience of being in the bowels of hell, rolling around with our greatest fears and traumas feeling completely powerless and paralysed. Usually, when we try to fight back and get out of it, we find that it doesn’t work.

The narcissist escalates their behaviour. We are shocked to discover that authorities and even family and friends can’t and don’t help us. In fact, it seems like everywhere we turn the narcissist is defeating us.

Our souls and lives are being ripped to shreds.

Yet, if you start to embrace the wisdom of Pema Chodron, you will enter a dimension of a higher truth – that at a Soul level this was meant to be.

And a release from this situation will only come for you when you have learned the lesson.

How do we know what the lesson is?

The lesson can only be revealed as a result of self-partnering.

When you take your focus off the narcissist and turn inwards and self-enquire with a question such as this, “What feelings are triggering me now that represent the parts of myself that I haven’t yet healed?”

Another way to term this question is, “What trauma is this person bringing up for me, that I have previously experienced in my life?”

This question is also powerful … “As an adult I can be responsible for my own Soul and Life. Therefore, why am I still handing away my power to others so that they may grant me love, approval, security and safety?”

I know it’s really scary to look at this stuff.

At first, when I was deeply victimised, I was horrified by any questions like these, because there was no way I wanted to think I needed healing because clearly, he was the one who was completely disordered.

But what I learned, on my life-and-near death journey, was that trying to force him to be accountable or obtain justice for what he had done to me, wasn’t happening, and my efforts weren’t healing me or granting me a fabulous life.

They just kept me so stuck in the trauma that it was nearly killing me.

And I was to discover that this was EXACTLY how it was meant to be.

It was only when I let go of trying to do all of that and turned inwards to self-partner that I connected with the only power in the situation – knowing the only person I could heal and change was me.

Once orientated in this essential partnering with self, I started to come out of complete desecration and move towards profound healing. Even more incredibly than I ever believed was possible.

Why?

Because I was embracing the lesson in my breakdown.

Which was … this is happening FOR me and not TO me, to help me understand the parts of myself that I deeply need to self-partner with and heal.

 

Your Breakdown is Your Signal

In a world of fear and judgement, we have been conditioned to traumatise ourselves even more during the traumatic times of our breakdowns.

Rather than embracing them, to hear what they have to teach us, we try to do everything to self-avoid our painful feelings, leading to our own precarious self-abandonment.

I love these analogies which I have shared often – if you had a car and its engine was grinding you wouldn’t just keep driving it and pretend it’s not happening. Doing so would be at the peril of your motor dying.

If you had a roof that was leaking you wouldn’t ignore it, because your whole roof could cave in and destroy all of your home and belongings.

Yet, when we start to feel painful emotions and go through difficult and tumultuous experiences with others, we don’t go to the root of the problem.

Let’s go back to the car. Depending on the problem, something in the engine may need adjusting, or even replacing.

In regards to the roof, it may need some serious reinforcement so that it can have integrity again.

Identically, when we receive the signals of our painful emotions, we may have inner beliefs that require adjusting or even replacing, so that we don’t continue being enmeshed with people who hurt us.

And, it may be time to get very clear about our rights, values and limits and lay powerful boundaries which say, “No more!”

Yet, our human conditioning has been about missing the lesson. It’s been about wrestling with people and trying to change and fix them and force them into being the people who will make us feel safe, loved and happy.

By looking out at the narcissist and learning all about him or her, and not doing anything about addressing the lesson you are meant to learn for yourself, your own evolution and consequent relief is impossible.

What is the Lesson?

This is the lesson that myself and so many other Thrivers have embraced; to ultimately have a direct path through to our emancipation, liberation and freedom from abuse as well as all of the horrible symptoms that go with it, mentally, emotionally, directly and financially.

“This actually isn’t about you. You were only a catalyst. It’s about me. It’s about me becoming a self-generative force whereby I can now finally self-partner, release and heal myself. By releasing the trauma of you and my previous experiences, as well as the false beliefs that have been impregnated within me regarding myself, life and others, I will become a whole person regardless of what anybody else is or isn’t doing. Then I will no longer choose or remain with people in my life who don’t add to my self-generative wholeness. I will let them go and allow them to live life according to their own beliefs and truth. And I will be free to choose and participate with the people and situations who will add to my already established wholeness.”

That’s the entire lesson of narcissistic abuse.

 

How Bad Does it Have to Get?

Our soul has one grand purpose. To evolve us. To bring us home to Love and Truth. Which means releasing us from the trauma that is the human condition so that we can claim our True Self and True Life.

When you become Who You Really Are (living your life with reduced trauma) you naturally know how to generate your life in a way that works.

Our Soul and Life, acting in concert are always ingeniously generating the validity of our present existing beliefs, and supplying us with the evidence of those as per our emotions and real life events.

In essence, as Buddha famously said, “If you want to know what is going on in your inner world, look at your outer world”.

When you self-partner and go inwards to do the deep Quantum reprogramming of your Inner Being, you will start to understand that it is the painful and funky feelings on any topic in your life that are letting you know that your inner programming isn’t aligned with what you really want.

It means that you have sustained traumas that are still wedged within you, on these topics.

If we have taken on or experienced trauma in our past lives, generational histories, childhoods and as adults (they are in repeat if unhealed) then we will have absorbed the emotional beliefs of, “love equals pain”, “the people who love me hurt me”, “I am not good enough to be loved” and so much more.

These emotional beliefs generate the validity of themselves to the letter. We will choose and be chosen by the people and situations that represent them.

And this hurts, profoundly. We are ripping these traumas open over and over again and adding to them. They become increasingly compounded and toxic until we reach our breakdown.

Which is exactly what narcissistic abuse is – the highest lesson to let us know that it’s time to heal.

For myself personally, I didn’t turn inwards and start self-partnering until I nearly died. I was left with only the last bit of my Life Force. That’s how bad it got for me. It’s my greatest desire and mission to help other people turn inwards to heal before it gets to that point.

Because it’s not easy to come back from that.

 

How to Apply the Lesson

The first step is to accept that this is happening “for” you and not “to” you. This is the opportunity to let go of the false person and false life that you have been living with him or her.

Your subconscious is a powerful generator that organises the trillions of chemical and electrical processes in your body that keep you healthy and alive. These are things that your logical brain can’t comprehend let alone execute.

It’s important to understand that this almighty powerhouse is directing your life, beneath the conscious surface of what you know as your reality. Your connections, attractions, interactions, and manifestations are a direct hit of your inner belief systems, on any given topic.

There truly is nothing else to do, if you want to heal for real, other than face and release every inner part of you that is inflicted with the beliefs that match the trauma this person is bringing to your life.

The absolute truth is this – the narcissist is the living evidence of your already existing internal traumas.

I want you to know that being impregnated with trauma is not your fault.

It’s an unfortunate, sad and brutal part of the human experience. Our ancestors carried an enormous amount of trauma. We were brought up by people who were still holding onto their own unresolved trauma. As children, we had no resources to be able to release ourselves from trauma, let alone extricate ourselves from the people who delivered it to us.

But as adults, we can take power back. We can accept the lesson. We can make good of it.

We can fight the good fight.

We can emerge victorious from these old breakdowns, by taking the lesson and turning it into the grandest newest breakthrough that we’ve ever experienced.

And we can lead the way for others and our future generations to do so as well.

The following is the glory of this lesson – one person at a time, we can heal, and change humanity in our world.

And, now, as a result of Quantum Tools, it is totally possible for us to do so. No longer does healing from narcissistic abuse have to take years or decades. We have a straight-line path to be able to achieve it now.

If this episode deeply resonates with you, I can put you in direct contact with how to actualise your breakthrough today.

You can do this by clicking this link.

So, to sign off, I hope that this truth today, as hard as it is, has helped truly set you free.

And as always I look forward to answering your comments and questions below.

 

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Lessons From “Marriage Story” That Can Save Your Marriage

5 Lessons From “Marriage Story” That Can Save Your Marriage And Your Sanity

Lessons From “Marriage Story” That Can Save Your Marriage

 

Everybody is talking about the movie “Marriage Story.”

The media has been weighing in on the quality of the film, the performances, the awards, what is realistic and what is not. Is it a story about marriage or about divorce? Forums and social media exploded with discussions taking sides about who is right and who is wrong.

The most valuable lesson of this film, however, has remained unexplored: “Marriage Story” is a cautionary tale about a marriage that could have been saved and the unnecessary ugliness of divorce.

If you are contemplating divorce, take some cues from “Marriage Story” as a starting point to explore the state of your union and deepen the communication with your partner before heading to court.

While the brilliance of the film is getting most of the attention, perhaps the greatest value of “Marriage Story” is that it provides a framework for couples in trouble to witness the traps that lead to a toxic divorce, so they can avoid them.

Even though Charlie and Nicole’s marriage didn’t have a happy ending, you can learn from their mistakes.

Here are five takeaways from “Marriage Story” that can spare you from a painful divorce:

Lessons From “Marriage Story” That Can Save Your Marriage

Before calling it quits, evaluate whether your marriage can be saved

Charlie and Nicole’s marriage could have been saved.  Maybe yours can be saved, too.

While the movie begins with the couple already in divorce mediation, as we glimpse into their relationship, we realize that Charlie and Nicole had enough going for them to make their marriage worth fighting for. They deeply loved each other, enjoyed parenting together and shared a passion for the performing arts.

If you still love your spouse, do not rush to a lawyer’s office. Do emotional inventory first and determine if you and your partner should give your marriage one last chance.

Tackle marital problems early on

Once you get to the point of no return, there is no way back! Do not let your marital problems fester until you can’t take it anymore. Nicole’s grievances could have been resolved if she had spoken up sooner and made clear to her husband that these problems endangered their marriage. Talk to your partner about the issues that trouble you and give him or her a chance to do the same.

Support your partner but not at the expense of your identity

Supporting your spouse is key to any marriage, but it should never be done at the expense of your fondest dreams. A promising actress, Nicole sacrificed her aspirations to become the supportive wife of an up-and-coming theater director. Over time, this “lesser” role led to resentment until she felt too stifled to go on.

We all deserve self-fulfillment. Strive for balance in your relationship and rebalance when things are becoming one-sided. Continue to pursue your passions and make it clear to your partner that they are necessary for your happiness.

Control your divorce process: do not let the divorce process control you

Even if your marriage can’t be saved, you still have control over the divorce process. Do not allow reactivity and clinging to unreasonable positions to blind you from reaching a fair result. In “Marriage Story,” Charlie’s insistence on being a “New York family” unleashed a series of events that fueled reactivity from both partners until what begun as an amicable divorce turned toxic.

Divorce is an emotional rollercoaster and there will be times when you lose your cool. In volatile situations, step back instead of firing back. Do not be afraid to walk away when things are getting out of control to avoid saying and doing things you will regret later. When negotiating a settlement, seek solutions that make sense and lead to the highest good instead of stubbornly insisting on having your way.

Choose your lawyers with care

Contrary to popular belief, there are no winners in a divorce. Charlie and Nicole may have saved themselves money and grief if they had worked with different lawyers. Before you file for divorce, investigate the reputation of your local lawyers and select one whose values align with yours and your priorities.

Even with the best of intentions, not all marriages can be repaired. But practicing the above tips will increase the odds of living happily ever after—with your current spouse, in a new relationship or alone.

 

This article was originally published on www.soniafrontera.com and reprinted with permission from the author.

The post 5 Lessons From “Marriage Story” That Can Save Your Marriage And Your Sanity appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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Marriage Story : 4 Lessons for Divorcing Couples

Marriage Story : 4 Lessons for Divorcing Couples

From the outset of a divorce, parents should be vigilant in thinking about how their actions impact the children.

The post Marriage Story : 4 Lessons for Divorcing Couples appeared first on Divorce Magazine.

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10 Lessons Learned From 10 Years In Narcissistic Abuse Recovery

10 Lessons Learned From 10 Years In Narcissistic Abuse Recovery

 

Today is an exciting day for Thriving!

Because I am sharing with you my compendium of the ten top lessons that I have learned over the last ten years in narcissistic abuse recovery.

You may already know and embody these lessons – or you may not have started yet.

Either way, if you start working with and aligning with these lessons, not only will you achieve recovery from narcissistic abuse in ways and time frames that will stun you…

You will also open yourself up to receive the life of your dreams.

Truly… These changes will infiltrate your life in incredible ways.

 

 

Video Transcript

I’m so excited about today’s Thriver TV Episode, because in it I get to share with you the ten most important lessons that I have ever learned for narcissistic abuse recovery.

These are important lessons.

They are vital lessons.

They saved my life.

They allowed me to heal from the unhealable and Thrive. Also, they have set the basis for thousands of other people, just like you, to do the same.

And I can’t wait to share them with you.

But before I do…

Thank you if you have subscribed to my channel, I am so grateful for you supporting the Thriver Mission. And if you haven’t yet subscribed, I want to remind you to please do.

If you like this video, make sure to give it a thumbs up!

Okay, let’s get started.

 

Lesson #1 – It Is Impossible to Think Your Way Out of Trauma

You need to know this more than anything – thinking, talking, researching and filling your brain with more information does not stop obsessive thinking.

Obsessive thinking is a by-product of being traumatised. And the more you try to think your way OUT of it, the more traumatised you become. This is because the only thinking you have access to is the thinking ABOUT it.

The brain follows the body. It is the servant of it, not the master.

I have done many Thriver TVs about Quantum Healing and why it is the true way to heal for real, but suffice to say here, if you think ‘more thinking and information’ helps you, you are heading more deeply into Wrong Town.

There is another way – a true way to heal. This ‘true’ way is at the level of the body, working on your nervous, somatic and emotional systems at their core, where the trauma that is affecting your entire life is stored.

I want you to understand this: when the trauma is healed at its core there is NO trauma left for you to manage with thinking.

Both the body and the mind will completely calm down, creating space for relief, calm, power and new directions.

 

Lesson #2 – If You Remain Victimised, More Victimisation Comes

This lesson, at the start of recovery, is a tough one to accept but is so necessary.

Initially, I was totally a victim. I hadn’t realised that I needed to heal me. I completely blamed him and I thought my life was beyond repair. I thought I was finished.

In this state, and whilst going on abuse forums and communicating with other people about how bad narcissists are, I was denying my own love and healing back to wholeness.

When I stopped banging on about narcissists and made MY healing my greatest priority, I found many unhealed parts of myself. Aspects of myself that not only had allowed me to unconsciously accept him into my life, but had not allowed me to leave and look after me.

Healing those parts of me was what took all the abuse symptoms, fears and traumas away.

All the painful things that would have been my lifelong legacy, if I remained a victim.

I healed and evolved beyond them all!

 

Lesson #3 – Once the Trauma Is Inside You It Is Yours to Be Responsible For

This lesson is intertwined with Lesson #2, and like Lesson #2 can be challenging to accept initially.

It is this… As an adult, there is no-one coming to save you.

The people who have hurt you are not going to fix what they did, and no outside force is going to magically take the pain away.

Any external relief will be fleeting and temporary.

This means regardless of how the trauma got there, who put it there, and even what it is, the only way true recovery can happen is if you meet your Inner Being and start releasing your trauma.

When I finally GOT this, I realised how liberating it was to stop waiting for anything else and I just got down to the real mission that was my life – tending to the healing of my inner self, which is where my entire life unfolds from.

That changed everything. The pain went, and real life began.

I realised how disempowering it had been, trying to make other people provide me with self-soothing, love, approval, security and survival. I finally knew I had the power to generate these things within me!

 

Lesson #4 – It Was All Meant to Be

The more awakened we become, the more we come to this realisation: ‘I understand now why that happened.’

This understanding comes very quickly once we start healing from the inside out.

Virtually every time I accessed ‘what hurts’ in my dedicated Inner Thriver Recovery, I found a trauma and a false belief that came from my past.

The ‘ahhas’ came thick and fast, allowing me to know that the narcissist was the ‘messenger of my wounds.’

He represented the delivery of exactly the parts of myself that were still unhealed. The ways that I was hard on myself; the ways I didn’t self-partner. He brought to light my greatest terrors to do with love, safety, security and survival.

In my relationship with him, I got to see how I would dismiss myself and my health in order to not be abandoned by him. I realised how my previous abandonment wounds had led to me drastically abandoning myself.

Once I had healed these parts within, I become the happiest, healthiest version of myself that I could ever imagine. I was finally self-partnered, whole, solid and safe in my own body and in my life.

 

Lesson #5 – The Value of Your Soul is Everything

Before Thriver Recovery my identity’s value was NOT about my soul.

It was about outer things such as the relationship I was in; how much security I had; and what I owned. And it was completely about what other people thought of me.

When myself and my life were smashed into oblivion by narcissistic abuse, all that was left was me with me. It was then, after turning inwards to save my own soul by letting go of all the trauma within, that I was reborn.

I emerged knowing the truth – that I had the ability to be whole in my own soul, regardless of what I did or didn’t have.

Once achieving this became my highest mission, things started unfolding in the most miraculous ways to grant me more wholeness.

I have seen in my own life, and now in the lives of countless others, that when your soul is your highest priority, then all else in your life comes back online. It heals and starts to flourish – even including your children.

When you value your Inner Being, which is the seat of your soul, then all of Life and Creation (Source) honours you completely, too.

 

Lesson #6 – Releasing Judgement to Be the Solution

What are people’s inner values and truth?

Have they developed from Oneness, authenticity and feeling safe and secure within their own Being? Or are they about separation, distrust, hiding out and acting to try to survive?

How many children grew up not being whole on the inside and therefore became damaged children in adult bodies?

Is there peace and love, or rage and fear driving a person’s actions that they may be deeply unconscious about?

I learned to drop judgement, pain and resentment about other damaged people, and instead concentrate on cleaning up my half of the road.

The best we can all do now is to heal our own Inner Being, knowing that this assists the healing of the whole.

The more you judge and condemn, the more it hurts you and is not a solution to the issues. It only helps hold them in place. If you are still carrying trauma, you are spreading the infection to others and you will remain a potential victim and target of it – instead of easing it.

However, by healing your own Inner Being and inspiring others to heal theirs, there is a movement away from being abused. This helps release the entire abuse pattern, for you and for your future generations.

 

Lesson #7 – We Can’t Heal Our Children if We are Unhealed

Before I understood this truth about Thriver Recovery, I desperately tried to rescue my son instead of healing myself.

The result was that he pushed back and pulled away.

My energy was damaged and toxic to be around, and I was not leading the way for him.

When I finally let go of trying to heal and control him, and took full responsibility for my own healing, he started to get well too.

Additionally, to this day, every time I do a Quanta Freedom Healing shift on myself (NARP) I have the intention that my healing is also his healing.

The results are miraculous. Where I go, he follows.

 

Lesson #8 – People Love You How You Love Yourself

I used to believe that people would love me the way I loved them.

My life was about people-pleasing and handing away my rights and power to try to make them provide me with love, approval, security and survival.

A great deal of my previous victimisation was about ‘How dare you treat me so badly after what I gave you!’

Then I woke up out of the trance and understood that what we accept is what we will get. That people mirror back the way we think about and love and treat ourselves.

You will never accept a level of love lesser than the level you love yourself.

When you heal the foundational relationship, which is the true relationship in your life, the one you have with your Inner Being, then you will have and maintain relationships with other whole healthy people.

 

Lesson #9 – Nothing Stops Until You Stop Participating

We think we are saying ‘No’ to something by pushing back on it and wrestling with it.

I was a chronic over-participator.

I would argue, defend, lecture, prescribe, try to fix, and roll around with abusers, trying to do everything to make then change so that I could have a healthy and happy life.

If you relate to this, pause this video and put your hand up to being a chronic over-participator in the comments below.

I learned that to have a healthy and happy life, I needed to STOP participating and simply state my values and truths. That I needed to pull back into them and just BE them, and only allow these values and truths into my life.

No more judgement, anger or trying to change others. Rather, my life became – that is their truth; this is my truth – and if it’s not a match that’s fine!

Then true freedom to BE me became possible.

It will for you, too.

 

Lesson #10 – There Is No Outside

This lesson is pretty Quantum – and so powerful when you work with it. It allows you to take full responsibility for your life to eternally grow and generate powerfully.

As Neale Donald Walsch said in his book Conversations With God, ‘I only send you Angels.’

I learned to accept that everyone in my experience was showing me an aspect of myself.

If they hit a trigger within, it was an unhealed part.

When narcissists co-create painful or disappointing events with you, they expose for you the evidence of a painful belief for you to heal and break free from.

And if people reflect back to you love, kindness and benevolence, these are healthy beliefs that you are starting to have about yourself, life and others.

When we use the contextual field as a tool for self-awareness and actualisation, then life has richness, depth and meaning as well as exciting growth possibilities and directions.

However, please don’t think in this self-reflection that you won’t address your outside world. You will, but in more effective ways than you ever have before.

Maybe your growth lesson is about overcoming your fear that others have power over you. What this means is that you can release yourself from that inner fear and start showing up, having difficult conversations, laying boundaries and even taking decisive action against someone when they don’t honour your expressed boundaries.

Doing this is an act of self-love.

Quantum self-actualisation is not fluffy new-age woowoo. It is about becoming the most authentic, real, empowered, effective and loving person you can be.

Okay, so I hope this video has helped.

If you are already working with the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program (NARP), you are anchoring into these truths, which come into full organic realness when you lose your inner trauma.

If you are struggling with your narcissistic abuse recovery, the embodiment of these ten lessons will grant you powerful and fast relief.

To embody and start living by these lessons, you can join me and the Thriver Tribe by clicking this link.

And if you want to see more of my videos, please subscribe so that you will be notified as soon as each new one is released. And if you liked this – click like. Also, please share with your communities so that we can help people awaken to these truths.

As always I am greatly looking forward to answering your comments and questions below.

 

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10 Lessons Most Women Learn During Divorce

10 Lessons Most Women Learn During Divorce

No one gets married thinking that divorce is just around the corner. Whatever the reasons for a divorce, it always takes a huge toll emotionally and financially.

Here are 10 lessons most women learn during divorce as shared by ladies who’ve gone through it and by divorce professionals.

Recovery Takes Time

Depending on the reason for your divorce, the finality may either make you feel like it’s Christmas morning or the absolute end of the world. One thing to consider though is the feeling of vulnerability you’ll have until you’ve fully recovered. It is perfectly okay to seek help and it is perfectly okay to feel down, even if you’re the one who initiated the process, to begin with.

Manage Your Future Living Expenses Right NOW

Getting divorced can make you emotional and cause you to make poor decisions that you’ll regret later. Remember that time will take care of sore feelings but your financial decisions will affect you longer. Know how much money you need so you can make necessary adjustments and plans.

Be Ready for Unexpected Costs

It would be best to ask or request some funds before your first alimony check arrives. If you don’t need alimony, that’s also fine but know that there are probably some matters that were usually shouldered by your ex which you’ll have to pay for now.

You’ll Get Nothing from Trying to Hurt Your Ex

Remember that every action now has a consequence in the future. Sure, you can get your ex fired by ratting him out to his boss, but that will also mean he won’t have the same financial capabilities and will affect whatever support he can provide to you and your children. Saying hurtful things online can backfire when your kids are old enough to read what you shared about their father.

Choose Your Experts Wisely

Lawyers specializing in family law are your best bet to get the fairest settlement possible. You may also want to look into hiring a financial planner if you have a lot of combined assets with your husband.

Divorce Doesn’t Define You

Just because you’re divorced does not mean that you’re a failure or that you’re not desirable. Stigmas do persist to these days but keep in mind that a divorce just means that the relationship did not work out or love has simply died.

Kids Will ALWAYS Be Affected by a Divorce

Yes, even when they act like nothing happened. Numerous research studies show that kids often feel responsible when their parents go through a divorce. They may not say it, but there will be tell-tale behavioral signs that you can watch out for.

The Holidays Will Be a Hard Time for You

Feelings of loneliness are felt more during the holidays, and this doesn’t exempt those who are divorced. It would be best to plan a vacation or be with loved ones instead of being alone around the holidays.

Joint Accounts Need Your Attention Too

Don’t go into court without being fully informed about your joint accounts. You have to know online passwords, account pins, email verification, any investments, and who is handling your account(s) if using a professional. This will save you from both future headache and heartache once the divorce is in process.

Divorce Can Be Empowering

Divorce shouldn’t be viewed as the end of a book, but rather the beginning of a whole new chapter. There are a lot of opportunities for new beginnings after divorce. Wherever life may lead you, just know that you will always have a choice.

With everything said, there is no doubt that going through a divorce can be a scary time for anyone. Though it’s true that uncertainties are everywhere, the answers and help that you seek might be just a phone call away.

The post 10 Lessons Most Women Learn During Divorce appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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lessons daughters learn from divorce

12 Lessons Daughters Learn from Their Parents’ Divorce

lessons daughters learn from divorce

 

Women, and especially daughters of divorce, can put undue pressure on themselves to find the right partner, marry, and develop a happy home life. But if they possess this goal, it can present many problems. For the most part, women from divorced homes don’t have a healthy template to follow when it comes to nurturing and sustaining a committed relationship, making it difficult for them to know where to start.

The following lessons were derived from my own experience and conversations with over 300 women I interviewed for my book Daughters of Divorce.

12 Lessons Daughters Learn from Divorce:

1. Revisiting the past as an adult can help you heal. In order to overcome the legacy of your parents’ breakup, it’s essential for you to get a more balanced, realistic view of your parents’ divorce. Many women in my study discovered that a lot of their assumptions about the cause of their parents’ split were false after they examined it from an adult perspective.

As a result of gaining accurate information, many were better able to move forward with their lives (and in some cases forgive one or both of their parents).

2. Reevaluate your view of relationships and adjust your expectations. The reality is that with time people grow and change. This doesn’t mean love has failed. Simply because love doesn’t last forever doesn’t mean there was something wrong with it. If you are hard on yourself or your parents, you may need to adjust your standards.

3. Learning to love yourself is an inner journey that involves examining your past from a fresh perspective. Take the time to investigate any carry-over from past relationships that might impact current ones. As a daughter of divorce, you can be your own saboteur. Write a positive intention to accomplish each day; boost your confidence by setting a goal and achieving it.

4. Self-compassion is a life-long journey. You may believe that you’re being selfish when you take care of yourself, or you may be left feeling you don’t deserve to be loved or have to earn someone’s love. But these feelings are based on low self-esteem and not based in reality. Change negative self-talk into positive statements such as “I am getting stronger every day.” You deserve to be loved and cared for.

5. Establishing a healthy level of trust in a relationship is possible but takes time. When your first reaction is to act out of a place of mistrust, this shows a lack of confidence in yourself and your partner. Trust is a skill that’s built over time by observing consistency between your partner’s words and actions.

Learn to trust your intuition and instincts and extend trust to someone who demonstrates trustworthiness. Consider how much your mistrust is a remnant of the past or as a result of your partner’s present behavior. Listen to his or her side of the story before making accusations or issuing an ultimatum.

6. Practice being vulnerable in small steps. Being vulnerable and expressing your thoughts and feelings to your partner will allow you to build trust and feel more connected to them. Does your fear of intimacy translate into testing a relationship by picking a partner who is wrong for you or picking fights to get your partner to prove their love? Setting a goal of being more vulnerable and accepting of nurturing and support from your partner is crucial to enjoying a happy long-lasting relationship.

7. Emotional dependency isn’t love. If your relationship causes you to feel anxious or to question your sense of self, it may not be the best relationship for you. Ask yourself this question if you’re in a relationship: Is there something about the way my partner treats me that makes me a better person? If the answer is no, you may be settling for less than you deserve due to a fear of abandonment or of being alone. These are the two most common reasons women stay in relationships that aren’t meeting their needs.

8. It’s OK not to rush into a commitment. In fact, getting to know a partner over time is wise and can help you to gain confidence in your judgment. It’s important for you to feel relatively safe and secure before you make a commitment.

9. You expect a lot from your partner but you’re also a giver. Sometimes giving too much can cause you emotional pain but being a giver is something you take pride in. However, it’s key not to morph into someone else when you’re in a relationship with a taker who looks to you as their source of happiness and fun (and may have trouble being alone). If you’re a giver, be careful not to allow a taker to zap you of your time and energy.

10. Counseling, reading, and blogging are helpful supports and can help you cope. As you experiment with new ways of relating to others, giving and receiving feedback is essential to your personal growth.

11. Relationships are your teachers. As a child of divorce, you know the sting of loss and are fine-tuned to the signs of rejection and abandonment. However, whether they last three months or three decades, relationships can provide their participants with the love, understanding, and intimacy they need at the time. Often, the courage to end a relationship that is no longer meeting both partners’ needs shows the greatest strength.

12. Both chemistry and compatibility are essential aspects of a successful long-term relationship and it’s possible to have both. Keep in mind that you can determine what kind of relationship works for you. Love is a leap of faith and there are no guarantees. This is true for all people, whether or not they are a child of divorce.

As a daughter of divorce, intimate relationships and marriage may present many challenges to you, but you must also realize that you are also armed with your own strength to face and embrace them. Truth be told, all relationships end: through breakup, death, or divorce. Why waste time being preoccupied with the fear of your relationship ending?

The concept of a wedding, or even a successful marriage, may seem alien to you but commitment and possibly marriage can be a source of stability in an uncertain world and bring you happiness.

According to researcher Nicholas H. Wolfinger, marriage is still the preferred state for most people. In Understanding The Divorce Cycle, he writes: “Doubtless, many people who remain single throughout their lives are happy to do so, but marriage remains the normative experience for most of us: about 90% of Americans will wed at some point in their lives.”

In closing, the best relationships are ones born out of trust and vulnerability. In positive relationships, each partner approaches one another as an equal. The relationship doesn’t drain its participants; instead, it nourishes. A successful romantic relationship is where you feel at your best.

It is possible to be vulnerable with others without losing parts of yourself. By doing this, you’ll be able to restore your faith in love, trust, and intimacy.

Follow Terry Gaspard, MSW, LICSW on Twitter, Facebook, and movingpastdivorce.com where you can purchase her book Daughters of Divorce: Overcome the Legacy of Your Parents’ Breakup and Enjoy a Happy, Long-Lasting Relationship. Her new book “The Remarriage Manual” will be published in the spring of 2020 by Sounds True Publishers.

The post 12 Lessons Daughters Learn from Their Parents’ Divorce appeared first on Divorced Moms.



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blending families

Lessons Learned While Blending Families

blending families

 

There is no shortage of challenges awaiting those of us who have gone through divorce and still refuse to give up on love. If, like me, you are fortunate enough to find the love of your dreams, an entirely new set of challenges probably awaits you. If you and/or your beloved already have children, you will have to figure out how, when, and perhaps even if you can blend your new partner into your existing family.

Can we Really Expect Love to Conquer All When Blending Families?

When Juli’s and my love was unexpectedly revealed four years ago, we found ourselves in a new world of ease and opportunity. Old assumptions and restrictions were replaced with limitless possibilities that required us to reconsider nearly every aspect of our lives. Our anticipated timetables for entering into new, committed relationships no longer made sense within the context of this love.

We were sure that we were meant to be together – NOW. We felt certain that, just as we had mysteriously attracted each other, we would call forth the circumstances and conditions necessary to create and share one home for our singular love.

But not so fast… the seemingly limitless power of our love was no match for the on-the-ground realities of what it would take to blend our children and our households into a stable, supportive, and emotionally healthy whole.

While our love created a universe all our own, Juli and I also shared universes with our children, who could not be expected to grasp (let alone welcome) this new love and this new person who had so powerfully and unexpectedly swooped into their parent’s life.

Being apart from each other was unthinkable and at times almost unbearable, but any time we tried to accelerate the process of integration, we only seemed to generate more resentment and resistance. We loved each other and we loved our children, and we could not jam them all together into the cohesive whole we so desperately desired.

Great Beginnings, Happy Endings

Four years later, Juli, her children, and I are sharing a home as a family and enjoy a life filled with laughter and connectivity (my own daughter is still finding her place in our family and in the world). My stepdaughter, who sobbed uncontrollably when Juli told her about me because she didn’t want to share her mother’s love, now bounds into my office as soon as she gets home from school, eager to commune, connect, and commingle our experiences of the day.

My stepson affectionately calls me “Troll,” hounds me daily to take him to play basketball and matches me set for set with weights at the gym. And my beloved wife revels in the family she always wanted — and now has — as we have spread and shared our love beyond ourselves to those we love the most.

Lessons Learned When Blending Families

Love is always accompanied by its share of mysteries, and we can never hope to know all of the factors that contributed to my successful integration into Juli’s family. But we can share and learn from each other’s experiences. To that end, I would offer these three keys to our success that Juli and I have identified:

  • Confidence in our commitment
  • The contagion of our love
  • Unyielding patience

I will be discussing each of these success factors in upcoming blogs beginning with confidence in our commitment. I invite you to share these posts with any of your friends who may be facing this often daunting challenge of bringing new love into existing family structures.  And remember, you are in this situation because you have an “embarrassment of riches,” an abundance of love for both partner and children.  And this love wants nothing more than to express itself in fullness and unity within a single happy household.

The post Lessons Learned While Blending Families appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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