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love after divorce

Money, Weight, Love: Let’s Talk About Love

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love after divorce

 

Dear past, thanks for all the lessons. Dear future, I’m ready!

Love

Love. Hmmm. I thought I knew what that was. I really did. I come from the school of unconditional love. I saw it every day of my life growing up. I saw it with my parents. I saw it with how my siblings, and I would fight and somehow turn around ten minutes later and then go get ice cream.

When my husband cheated on me the first time, I thought my forgiveness was my example of my unconditional love for him. It was. But what I didn’t realize was that it was not an example of my unconditional love for myself. Sometimes you must love yourself more than anyone in the equation in order to survive.

So, when it happened again, as is always predicted…I had to confront him. When I found out about his infidelity again, I had to love myself enough to let him go. Twenty years is a very long time to think about this emotion and this word.

My husband and I were married with two priests on the altar.

One who was the main officiant, was my cousin. The other was at one time my father’s teacher at Loyola. He was a wise man and a confidant to me. I loved him like a grandfather. I have thought about the Bible passages he selected. I think it was his way of telling me he had doubts. This is the passage.

“Therefore, everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. 25 The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. 26 But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. 27 The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash.” Matthew 7:24-27

 

I never would have suspected that this would be the most prophetic line of my life. It appears…in the end, we were indeed a house built on sand.

And now that I have spent the past twenty years examining my own role in the demise of my house built on this shaky ground, I want to make sure that I never experience this again. But I never want my natural ability of unconditional love of myself and someone else to be stifled, dismissed or minimized.

I have indeed given up the opportunity to be loved by someone in order to ensure that my children knew they were my priority.

This was a choice I made with my eyes wide open. It seems apropos since I lived inside of a marriage with my eyes wide shut.

But until my children are on their roads and have established themselves into their careers and lives, only then will I truly know the full weight of that unconditional love I chose to exercise.

But thank you Fr. Houle. I appreciate your wisdom and perhaps perception that I needed to pay attention to what my house was about to be built on. I promise that if I am ever presented with the opportunity to love and be loved again, I will find the sturdiest rock and build a new foundation for a happy life.

I still see it for myself one day. I hope you are watching for that with me. I intend on living my life with grace and no longer grief. And I look forward to one day reacquainting myself with a love that is on my terms.

The post Money, Weight, Love: Let’s Talk About Love appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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weight loss

Money, Weight, Love: Let’s Talk About Weight

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weight loss

 

Want to lose weight fast? Lose your other half! The rest will fall off.

The Divorce Diet

Weight

When I suddenly found myself a single mother with the prospect of divorce in front of me, along with a plethora of responsibilities piled on top of me, weeks after giving birth to our second child, I found that food and I no longer worked. I was so busy nourishing my baby and toddler that I forgot to nourish me too.

I was just too tired. I was normally around 135 pounds pre-pregnancy. In what seemed like days, even minutes after his departure when the reality of what I was facing set in, I found myself squarely at around 102 pounds and dropping.

My nerves were a frayed mess that resembled a well-worn rug that had hundreds of miles of foot traffic pounded into it. I had just had a C-section and a tubal ligation afterward, so I was really worn out and unwell.

Emotional shock can do a number on you.

But emotional shock under the auspices of a marital breakup that included infidelity, combined with post childbirth can throw you into a space you never knew existed.

But worst of all you are coping with a broken heart as well. This sadly has taken me decades to recover from. Overnight I lost all appetite for food of any kind. They say that a divorce diet is the fastest and most effective one on the planet and would put Weight Watchers and Jenny Craig to shame.

I am here to tell you that it was fast and furious all right! It was too fast though. My body had spent the previous nine months adapting and re-adapting as the baby grew and pushed on every organ in me. Then after giving birth, your body readjusts again like air being let out of a balloon.

But when you are faced with a trauma like I was, it takes a toll on your body with a vengeance. What you should be doing is nourishing yourself to cope with the breastfeeding and sleep deprivation as you slowly find your way back to a normal size.

But in my case, because he left in the middle of building our home, and after just having a baby and dealing with these two very big life changes, my appetite altogether disappeared, and I found that worry and stress was my meal of choice.

But then…I also discovered Peanut M&M’s.

Oh sure, I had eaten peanut M&M’s many times in my life. But this was a rediscovery and these beautiful little candies became the vice I so desperately needed. I was literally being nourished on peanut M&Ms! They were one of the only foods that stayed down. And yet, I kept losing weight.

I was literally a size 3 by the time my baby was 3 months old. I was 39 when I had her. The years went by and my new normal was being introduced to me as I watched my baby and toddler grow to where they are today, 20 and 24. I can see that I put my body through a lot over the years. Age has much to do with it no doubt.

Weeks after I had begun divorce proceedings and sold our family home and purchased a new one, I received a call from my work telling me that they were closing the Southern California office and that I would have to relocate to Northern California if I wanted to stay employed with them.

I was in the beginnings of divorce proceedings and child custody and my ex-husband would not approve of my moving the children away. So along with all that I had already endured, I found myself looking for a new job.

Happily, and because I have a good reputation in my industry, I received a call rather shortly asking me if I would be willing to interview for a company that had a remote office location near my home. I immediately said yes.

I was in no position to say no to anyone or anything.

I had just bought a house and I had a family raise. I interviewed and took the job. And all through this new phase, I started my nibbling on junk food to calm my nerves. Up and down my weight went through the chapters of our family.

My go to is always something sweet and when I feel the nerves of my bank balance dropping due to the cost of raising my family; not to mention the ever-present mortgage…I nibbled away.

This included then and still includes now, school tuitions, cars, cell phones, food, clothes and everything else that goes with this journey as you help your kids put one foot at a time on the road to their respective adult lives.

And now, I am 60. And that is hard to imagine. I have sacrificed so much of myself as the sole provider. The funny thing is that most of my friends and family are either currently or planning to retire. My accountant laughed when I asked him when he thought I could retire. He said, “My dear woman, you will need to work until at least 75. I’m so sorry. But you are so young at heart anyway. That shouldn’t be too hard.”

So, with the knowledge of this and with each moment that I am faced with the stresses of my responsibilities, there is always a bag of peanut M&M’s nearby to help me cope.

The post Money, Weight, Love: Let’s Talk About Weight appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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money and divorce

Money, Weight, Love: Let’s Talk About Money

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money and divorce

 

Money, weight, love. Good or bad, these have been the beacons for me the past 20 years that I have been a single mother. I have literally been obsessed with these three words for as long as I have been bestowed the title of “single mom”.

I know that sounds strange too. Why would those three words have anything to do with “divorce” or “single parenting”. For me… they have everything to do with it. Because these three words became a measured part of my journey as I changed identities from wife to mother to new mother to single parent and now to 60.

Money is numbers and numbers never end. If it takes money to be happy, your search for happiness will never end.

Bob Marley

Money

Money. Oh, how I love/hate that word. When my ex-husband left my children and I, we were in the middle of building a home. I had just had a baby. Overnight I was faced with the rent on the apartment we were living in while the house was being built, the payments to the contractors, the original mortgage we were still paying, the Nanny, the pre-school, all the bills and ultimately a lawyer! I was prepared for none of this.

I only knew how to be married where we equally supported our family. Our life. I stood in frozen silence as it all came at me. When divorce knocked on my front door, I opened it and the first words it said to me was, “Hello, I am divorced and you are about to start living financially stressed from this day forward. Have a wonderful life!”

Within what felt like minutes, I felt like I was standing at the base of the Hoover Dam and ping by ping by ping, holes started appearing in the Dam.

Water started to seep through and one by one the streams began to intensify and suddenly cracks began to appear, and the water would come flooding down on me.

All the financial responsibility came flooding down on me too. I was submerged, gasping for air as I popped up only to be pushed down repeatedly. That’s how it felt for me to be the catcher to everyone who had their hand out waiting for a check. My husband just left me to carry it all. It was cruelty I would never have known in him or ever seen before.

I have always lived my life with a certain knowing that my life, whether long or short, would be one well-lived. One filled with opportunity and prosperity. I was raised to believe this, and I just have always felt this. An unshakable knowing because I saw myself living this way. Nothing in my life post July 29, 1999, the day my husband left or what I call, “T Day”, meaning: Transformation Day”, would have supported that notion.

But I just felt it in my soul. Yes, I was faced with all of that and more. My faith and belief in myself were challenged, but it was also what pulled me through. I saw better things for my family and me. I was able to wade through all the people who had their hands out. I was able to finish building and paying for the house.

I was able to move my little family into it, enjoying the fruits of my labor for a year or so, only to ultimately sell it and split the profits with the man who fled the project. I was able to buy a home. My home; in my name only.

I have achieved many of the visions I saw for myself and my family, yes.

Visions of opportunity and prosperity always being the gasoline in my engine. But it came at a high cost. It would. We live in Los Angeles, one of the most expensive cities in the nation. And though I still carried all the responsibility of raising a family, I still believed that anything was possible. I had to.

Money remains central to my nervous system today as my children are now 20 and 24. Every day is still a struggle to keep it all afloat. My role now as their parent is to help them take their first step onto the road of adulthood.

Maybe by my example of staying true to my inner knowing’s, they will not join the ranks of men and women living inauthentic lives who also flee their families and responsibilities.

Maybe, just maybe they will listen to their own inner callings and live a good life. Wouldn’t that be swell? I am seeing it already in them, and it makes me smile. For all the good and the bad, the feast and the famine that they have experienced with me, my hope is that they will take the sum of all these experiences and weave them into their own fabric of life.

I hope they use it all for the good of life and treat people with a sense of humility and compassion. Because even though on the outside we looked like the family who had the house, the cars, the nice schools…it all came at a high price. And that price was me. Because none of it was ordered with the thought that one single woman would pay for it all.

And so, I continue to do my best to try to live my life well within that certain knowing that my life, whether long or short, will be one well-lived. And money? Well, we are still getting to know how to co-exist harmoniously.

The post Money, Weight, Love: Let’s Talk About Money appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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Let’s Talk Divorce: Toxic Men: Are You a Narcissist Magnet?

Let’s Talk Divorce: Toxic Men: Are You a Narcissist Magnet?

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Do you seem to go from one toxic relationship to another?

Have you ever asked yourself, “Is there something wrong with me that makes me a target for narcissistic, toxic men?”

The answer is maybe and no!

There is NOTHING wrong with you but, you may have qualities and traits that make you attractive to narcissistic and toxic men. Like moths to a flame, these men flutter around you waiting for an opening.

These qualities and traits give the narcissist a foot in the door and leave you wide open for their manipulations.

5 Traits that Attract Narcissistic, Toxic Men

You’re trusting

You’re trusting with everyone from the get-go. People don’t have to earn your trust, you readily give it until proven it hasn’t been earned. Narcissists use this to their advantage.

You treat others with respect and expect the same in return

It is in your nature to treat others the way you wish to be treated. The narcissist returns this treatment during the love-bombing phase. They use it to reel you in and get you so emotionally invested that once the disrespect begins, you’re in too deep to extract yourself from the relationship.

You love unconditionally

You love unconditionally

In fact, you love to a fault! You may be in love with the idea of love.

Narcissists use this against you after the love bombing period. They know that no matter what they deprive you of in the relationship, you’re going to continue to love them.

You’re empathetic and compassionate

These traits make it easy for you to make excuses for the narc’s bad behavior. You make excuses for the narc based on his “victim” stories. He was molested by a priest, he was emotionally abandoned by his mother. And on and on. Being empathetic, instead of holding him accountable for bad behavior, you hold his mother or that priest accountable. You believe that love, your love, will heal those old wounds and he’ll become the person he was during the love-bombing phase again.

You have trouble setting boundaries

You fear setting boundaries because you fear abandonment. With family, friends, coworkers and romantic relationships, you allow people to take advantage of you. Due to this, you are easily manipulated by the narcissist, toxic man.

You know how you should be treated, you just fear vocalizing it.

The post Let’s Talk Divorce: Toxic Men: Are You a Narcissist Magnet? appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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Let’s Talk Divorce: 4 Games Narcissistic Men Play After The Divorce Is Final

Let’s Talk Divorce: 4 Games Narcissistic Men Play After The Divorce Is Final

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Life after divorce from a narcissist can be far more tumultuous than when you were married. After the divorce, life for the narcissist is all about creating drama, drawing attention to themselves and making your life as miserable as possible.

For you, life after divorce is about getting results, civility, co-parenting and attempting to get along with the narcissist.

And that is where you and the narcissist differ. The narcissist doesn’t care about civility, they care about you paying for some unspecified harm you’ve done to them. You’re an ethical person, a narcissist is an unethical person. For this reason, there can’t be a civil relationship post-divorce. The narcissist is going to insist on doing battle and there is no way you can win if you engage in a battle with a narcissist.

There will be no civil co-parenting, there will be no negotiating but you will be besieged with emotional turmoil if you attempt to play fair…which is in your nature to do.

The video above will help you understand what is happening if you’re in the midst of it or, help you prepare for what’s coming if you’re still in the process of divorce.

4 Games Narcissistic Men Play After Divorce

1. They make promises they have no intention of keeping.

This starts during the divorce process. They will sign a divorce settlement agreement promising to do this, that and the other thing with no intention to follow the final divorce decree. If you have a divorce decree that state’s the narcissist is to buy you out of your portion of the equity in the marital home within 9 months, those months will go by with the narcissist taking no steps to buy you out. You’ll be in and out of court attempting to get the narcissist to follow through with the court-ordered promises he made.

That is the method of operation for the narcissist, agree but don’t follow through.

2. They play the victim.

In order to play the victim, he needs a victimizer and, that is YOU. He will tell his sad tale to anyone who will hold still long enough for him to bend their ear. He will use his children, his relatives, your friends, his friends, your family, and his family in an attempt to appear to be the victim in your divorce story.

He needs to smear your name and character in order to play that role and, the icing on the cake, it leaves you with few people to offer you support during a time when you need it most.

Even if he is the one who left and wanted the divorce, he will find some way to become the victim of the divorce. Count on it!

3. They will try to exact revenge.

They will use your children against you. What better way to get revenge on a mother than turn her children against her? Some go as far as completely alienating children from their mothers. It’s not that they want the children but their desire to cause you pain and emotional harm trumps their feelings for their children.

If you’re in a relationship they will do everything in their power to stall that relationship or break it up. The last thing they want is for you to find happiness with another man!

Your narcissistic ex knows you, he knows what you hold most dear in life and, all bets are off when it comes to him using whatever that is the exact revenge on you.

4. They will become very passive-aggressive.

They will appear to negotiate, appear to be concerned, appear to be on board with whatever you need for yourself or their children. Until that is, it comes time to follow through on what they’ve agreed to. They bait and switch you after you’ve given the very information they needed to be able to withhold what you or their children need from them.

This can be very confusing but, expect it!

What can you do about their games?

Don’t do what they want you to do…engage with them!

Don’t retaliate! They want to anger you, piss you off, cause you to fight back. They want you to look like the nut. Don’t give them the satisfaction. Whatever he does or says, NEVER let him know that you even noticed he was being an asshole.

Stop expecting recognition of your or your children’s needs. Lower your expectations of your narcissistic ex as low as they will possibly go.

The only way to win the battle with a narcissist is to remove yourself from the battlefield.

The post Let’s Talk Divorce: 4 Games Narcissistic Men Play After The Divorce Is Final appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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Let’s Talk Divorce: 4 Ways The Family Court Fails To Protect Women During High Conflict Divorce

Let’s Talk Divorce: 4 Ways The Family Court Fails To Protect Women During High Conflict Divorce

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We hear a lot about how women are favored during divorce but, in my opinion, the opposite is true. No one can hold onto resentment and anger like a man and nothing proves that more than the outrageous behavior by some during a high conflict divorce.

A woman’s only recourse is the protections afforded her by the Family Court and, bless our hearts, there aren’t many protections there.

I know a woman who has been divorced for over 12 years and still has legal issues with her ex. He constantly files a petition or motion with the court. It can be for something as simple as extracurricular activities her children are involved with to not liking the therapist her children are seeing. He makes NO attempt to negotiate and settle issues with the mother of his children. There is no emailing back and forth over a certain situation. He goes straight to the courts.

A woman has no defense against such a man. She is vulnerable to such a man’s whims because the Family Court allows the nonsense to continue year after year.

She has NO protection!

4 Ways The Family Court Fails to Protect Women During High Conflict Divorce

1. Failure to Protect Against Defiant Exes

If a woman is divorced from a man who defies court orders, she has no recourse via the Family Court. She can file a contempt of court motion but that’s like pissing into the wind. She will spend money on an attorney only to get a new order and listen to a judge tell her ex to “get it done or else,” and the or else never happens. The problem with contempt of court is this, a new court order means nothing to a man with a history of defying court orders.

2. No Protection from Crushing Financial Expense of Divorce

Most women going through the divorce process are stay-at-home Moms or the lower income earner in the marriage. They start the divorce process in a one-down position because they don’t have access to the best attorneys and experts to advocate for them. The Family Court takes none of this into consideration during the process and there is an old saying that is true, “the one with the money wins in Family Court.”

3. No Protection for Victims of Domestic Abuse

Victims of domestic violence are especially vulnerable in the Family Court system. Their main concern is naturally protecting their children from a violent man and with the courts’ main focus on not separating a child from a parent, the domestic abuse victim has to have substantial evidence of abuse to protect their children via the court.

What professionals fail to realize is that women in abusive situations don’t call attention to their abuse. Doing so can only lead to more abuse. So, instead of going to the emergency room so they’ve have a record of injuries or filing police reports, they stay quiet out of fear of inviting more abuse upon themselves and their children.

If a woman doesn’t have substantial evidence of abuse and brings up accusations of abuse in court she can be viewed as making false allegations of abuse and attempting to alienate a father from his child. Women all over the country are losing custody rights to violent men due to the lack of protection abuse women received in the Family Court.

4. Failure to Protect Children from Harm

If you’re divorced from a bully hell-bent on using your child as a pawn to punish you, the “best interest” doctrine, flies right out the window. A Family Court judge will NOT hold a man harming his children emotionally, accountable. I think they believe that a bad father is worse than no father so, purposely put children in harm’s way so they can tell themselves “at least the child still has 2 parents.” And, as someone who raised her children alone, with no contact from their father, I can say that, that belief is straight up BS!

The post Let’s Talk Divorce: 4 Ways The Family Court Fails To Protect Women During High Conflict Divorce appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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