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stay too long with wrong guy

Stayed Too Long with the Wrong Guy? 4 Steps To Self-Forgiveness

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stay too long with wrong guy

 

Women with the biggest hearts are often drawn to emotionally unavailable men. We mistakenly think that if we love him hard enough, he will heal in our hands. If you have experienced the ending of such a relationship disaster, consider yourself lucky. Congratulations!

I know that forgiving ourselves for staying so long, loving, and loyal can be a major kick in the pants, especially when we most likely overlooked some major red flags in the beginning.

Emotional unavailability is defined as the inability to be emotionally present and receptive. These men put up walls against emotional intimacy, which is often characterized by several different types; the workaholic, the perfection chaser, the aggressor, the sob story victim, the disappearing act, the crumb giver.

These types use anger and aggression, stonewalling, denial, and avoidance to refrain from difficult conversations and problem-solving. Essentially, they chronically evade dealing with their own crap, fail to meet any of our emotional needs, and leave us wondering what the hell we did wrong. Newsflash! The only thing that we did “wrong” was choose THEM to partner with.

Stayed Too Long with the Wrong Guy?

Let’s get through this together! Moving on…

Show some self-compassion.

So often, we kindly talk to others with tenderness and sweet words of encouragement. From our children to our lovers, we are always right there to wipe their tears and hold their hands, listening with both ears to erase the pain. Enough! After a heartbreak, all of this energy and effort must now be turned inward. Time for self-compassion! Look in the mirror and admire those laugh lines that formed while giggling with your beautiful babies on the floor, tickling their toes.

Pull out that notepad and write down your best qualities, celebrating each one. Talk to yourself as if you are a young child or an elder. Use words of love and kindness. Your feelings are valid, you matter, and you deserve the love that you give.

Self-care is not selfish.

Did anyone say salt bath? Home pedicure and wine? Whatever makes you sigh aloud with relief, Do. It. Now. Shave those legs and then lotion up for a few extra minutes finishing with a foot massage. Stop in at the local salon, wash that man right ‘outta your hair, and trim those dead ends, literally and figuratively.  Call a counselor and clear the air for yourself. Pick up a new book and may I suggest “Mr. Unavailable & The Fallback Girl” by Natalie Lue? Light a candle and read for your own benefit and clarity, which brings us to number three…

Learn the lesson.

Hindsight is 20/20, my love. What red flags did we ignore? His criticism and yelling, his enduring need to work overtime and disappear, his perfectionist nature, or his perpetual “silent treatments” whenever there was a disagreement? Write down every strange gut feeling in that belly that went overlooked and every tear that soundlessly stung those eyes.

Self-reflect. What kept us still with an emotionally incompetent man for so long: fear, uncertainty, guilt, low self-esteem? Name the reason and accept it. We accept the love that we think we deserve. What do you deserve? Nothing changes if nothing changes, and change begins NOW.

Forward movement.

I started my own forward motion by creating a list of things in life and love that I want and desire. I included all of the qualities that the future love of my life should possess, the feelings that I hope to experience (like peace, liberation, openness, ease, giddiness) and the relationship goals that I plan to achieve with a partner.

I also construed a list of the places that I wish to visit and the activities I am eager to experience this fall, from wineries to autumn-leave trails to writing additional articles. By directing all of your energy and attention unto yourself, you will heal and recreate a new beautiful version of you, ready to love again with an emotionally available man next time.

As the author Natalie Lue writes in her book, “[Self] Forgiveness creeps up on you. Focus on treating yourself well, grieving any losses and addressing any habits that have held you back and that is forgiveness in itself because you give you another shot.”

The post Stayed Too Long with the Wrong Guy? 4 Steps To Self-Forgiveness appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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stayed so long in psychologically abusive relationship

Why I Stayed So Long In a Psychologically Abusive Relationship

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stayed so long in psychologically abusive relationship

 

It has been a little over 15 months since it occurred to me that I needed to escape.

That staying with a controlling, and psychologically abusive person was harming my kids more in the long run, than the effects of leaving and starting a whole new life would.

That maybe, just maybe, if I had the strength to endure this treatment for so many years, that I could find the strength to leave.

And so I left.. or started the grueling process of leaving.

Over a year later the most common question I’ve been asked, “Why did you stay?”

So for those of you that have never been in a relationship like this one, that sadly so many of us have been, I thought I would try to answer that burning question.

Why I Stayed So Long In a Psychologically Abusive Relationship

Many assume it is simply the idea of breaking up a family that keeps us in the cycle of abuse. But I am here to say .. no… that is not what made me stay.

Forgive me as my ability to express myself in writing has never been my strong suit.. but here goes.

We stay because we have been controlled and manipulated to believe that we have no other viable options. There are often elements of financial control among a lot of other seemingly simple reasons that keep us in “it”. But they are not simple…not simple at all.

I can only speak on my own behalf here but I suspect that others will be able to relate on some level.

Poor self-worth. Fear. The belief deep down, from years of damage, that we are not worthy of anything better. That we are not strong enough, on our own, to provide for ourselves and/ our kids. Our identity has been slowly taken away, piece by piece until we no longer know who we are, what we want, and most importantly, what we are capable of.

It began for me as small bits of mind control that left me dependent and uncertain.

It got so deeply ingrained into my subconscious mind that I was not good enough or strong enough. These small acts that I endured on a daily basis reaffirmed, in my damaged and vulnerable mind, exactly what my abuser wanted me to feel. Doubtful, scared, and unworthy.

But because each of these small bits of exposure are just that.. small.. especially at first… it became the norm for me. I forgot how to challenge my own thoughts. Forgot how my own beautiful intuition worked. The supposed “red flags” people warned me about. I was made to feel those were endearing ways that my abuser used to show his love. My value slowly changed .. it became based on pleasing my abuser as opposed to rocking the boat.

My own “gut” feeling was slowly reprogrammed to accept that this was love and totally normal.

Each incident, each cycle, that often ended with a “honeymoon” phase of attention, affection, and a brief break from the actual abuse, told me that I must be crazy to feel this was wrong. That he loved me, look at all he is doing to show me his love.

This is all part of the game of control.

The words of affirmation that came in those moments were used to fuck up my instincts. To make me convince myself that I must be wrong. And hence..”gut”, “intuition”, “red flags” were all my own broken thoughts. That there is no way that this could be bad when he clearly loves me soooo much. WRONG!!

Bit by bit the small bits became bigger bits. Looking in, looking back now from a safe and happy place, I can see that. But in those years and years that I endured this, when I thought I was becoming stronger I was actually becoming more and more used to this abuse. It became so normal and routine that it no longer even felt concerning. It was just how love worked.

In fact, if it was slightly muted because maybe he was distracted by a new job or business, it felt weird and uncomfortable for me. So then I would try harder to please and conform and seek the abuse and control that was slowly killing me on the inside because it was how I thought love was meant to be shown.

Abuse became my love language.

Insane right? How could that be? Well, friends, that is how it works. Manipulation and control slowly eat away at your soul until it no longer is your own soul at all.

In a strange twist of events, it finally occurred to me one day when my young child was verbally abusive and disrespectful and I thought to myself “how dare you treat another human, especially your mom, this way. Where do you get off thinking this is okay?”

OMG .. somewhere inside of me the “fight or flight” mode that humans are wired with, but abuse victims are rewired to deactivate, was switched back on. How on earth could I have been so stupid to not see what had been happening all these years until this very moment? And what the actual fuck do I do about it now that I have children, absolutely no financial control, and no self-esteem or self-worth.

I am the lucky one. The one that is surrounded by caring and loving friends and family. The one that finally found the strength to realize that the “how” and “when” didn’t matter anymore. Only the “why” mattered now.  Why I had to get the fuck out is the “why” that I mean.

Some of us are not so lucky.

Some of us may never have an “aha moment” that triggers that fight or flight mode back into action. The programming that is done day after day, year after year, is so damn hard to breakthrough. Some of us are not surrounded by loving and caring friends and family that we know will help us pick up the pieces of our broken lives and put them back together. Some of us are not so lucky, and that type of abuse turns into physical violence, and we feel even more trapped and damaged and afraid.

ALL of us need to remember that we never can tell what goes on behind closed doors. That one simple and kind gesture might be enough to show the “unlucky” one the real, kind, caring love that they deserve and be the switch flipper they need to reactivate fight or flight mode.

To this day I am struggling with uncovering more and more ways that this abuser scarred me. I am easily triggered, it is hard for me to know what real and healthy love and relationships feel like. It has been HARD AS FUCK to remember the fierce, confident, self-assured, smart, in control of her own thoughts, independent, and brave woman that used to live in this body.

So thank you to those that put up with my pushing them away year after year, and thank you to those that never gave up on that woman that was hiding away inside that scared and abused mind, and thank you to those that have pushed me to see my potential, and thank you to those that have shown me what true healthy love should feel like and look like, and thank you to those that remind me that I am worth it, and thank you to those that do not give up on me and my kids because they know we deserve to be surrounded by loving and caring and supportive people, and thank you to those that kick my ass on days that I forget all of this took so much fucking strength that getting through the rest of life should be a breeze in comparison.

I will tell you that it takes more courage and strength to leave and to find that woman again than it did to endure that abuse year after year.  I will also tell you that if any tiny part of this feels like your life, you are fucking worth it, and if I can do it, you can too.

The post Why I Stayed So Long In a Psychologically Abusive Relationship appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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Narcissistic Abuse Is A Journey… But It Doesn’t Take As Long As You Think

Narcissistic Abuse Is A Journey… But It Doesn’t Take As Long As You Think

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I don’t subscribe to narcissistic abuse recovery being a long drawn out process, simply surviving the effects of it, AT ALL.

Maybe you’ve been told that to heal from Narcissistic Abuse is a LONG hard road that could take you many years and even decades? And even then you will need to manage your symptoms – possible for life?

In today’s Thriver TV episode I want to help you heal – REALLY heal!

So, join me on a journey where you’ll experience deep soul mantras that will start to set you free in times and ways you never thought were possible.

 

Video Transcript

I know it is really normal to believe that recovery from narcissistic abuse is going to take you a really long time.

People will tell you that; people report this all the time.

And the reason they do, is because if the trauma from narcissistic abuse remains inside us, then it takes a long time to move past the insidious effects of it, and that’s if we can at all.

But there is a better way to do this journey of recovery.

A faster, more direct way that works. And this is what I want to talk with you about today.

It’s the way I recovered and thrived from symptoms and life events that seemed unhealable. It is also the Thriver Way that so many people, thousands in this Community, have successfully used as well.

It’s about mind and heart perspectives.

It’s about truths that set you free.

And these truths are everything.

Okay, before we get started, thank you everyone who has subscribed to my channel and for supporting the Thriver Mission. And if you haven’t yet subscribed, I want to remind you to please do. And if you like this video, please make sure you hit the like button.

Now, to get started, I want to share with you the understanding of trauma and what it really means, along with how to switch to a Quantum understanding of it, to be in the driver’s seat to heal for REAL!

 

The Trauma of Abuse and What It Really Is

The trauma from abuse is horrific, and the trauma from narcissistic abuse is arguably the worst of the worst. It feels like a terrible black ink permeating your mind and emotions, which literally eats our soul alive.

When this horrifying trauma strikes, people are shocked that they can’t just ‘get up and on with it,’ like they possibly could do in the past.

What is this trauma really about?

It is about every inner survival fear and insecurity that any particular human can carry being FULLY activated, separating us from our True Self and Life.

The more power we hand away to False Selves (narcissists), rather than partnering directly with our Inner Being and all of Life in Quantum connected ways, the more we feel separated and cut off. We feel controlled by the narcissist, and everything we do is at the whim of what this False Source is or isn’t doing.

These people don’t provide us wholeness, solidness and safety. Instead, they bring to conscious life every unconscious fearful, limiting and generational past life and human collective wound that has been unmet and unhealed within our subconscious programs and psyches.

As human beings, these have all been a part of our human experience.

And it is these inner parts that they hook us in with, terrorise us with, and keep ripping us to shreds with.

These are the exact reasons we stay enmeshed and addicted to narcissists. It is why we are unable to let go, create healthy boundaries and render these people incapable of continuing to hurt us.

Here is the thing … when we don’t understand the truth that sets us free, then we are in for a long, hard road to recovery.

I really want to share with you this following truth. It is fundamental to you starting your recovery, or resetting it, in a way that will provide you a direct, straight line out to the other side – to your emancipation from pain and then Thriving.

Please repeat this after me.

‘This person in my life has found and is targeting and smashing the EXACT wounds that are holding me separated from my True and Thriving Life. If I stop making it about THEM, and make it all about ME and turn inwards to fully own, claim, release and heal from these wounds, then this person will have NO power over me.’

Feel this in your body.

It is the absolute cellular truth that your Inner Being KNOWS it is the truth. And you can only align with this truth if you are prepared to get out of blame and shame, looking outwards and working through your ego – which adores keeping you separated from yourself.

What we just said together is a coming home statement, which means you get into your body and start working with the one entity that you can control – you. They open you up to taking your life and your power back.

Now let’s move on to the next fundamental understanding of trauma that will set you free.

 

The Purpose of Trauma

To set the scene for this understanding, I really want you to know that Source/Creation/God wants for you EXACTLY want you want. Additionally, your soul wants to set up all the conditions to help you align with BEING the actual being who can generate this in your life.

The system of ‘so within, so without’ means that your inner composition needs to have the corresponding belief system to be able to experience what is desired as your real-life experience. Subconscious programs are absolute. They generate with life the validity of the belief system to the letter, without any preference or condition.

So, what this means is: the things in our life that aren’t working, including HORRIBLE abuse, must have a corresponding inner trauma connected to it.

If you want to remain victimised, you won’t want to accept this truth – which is totally understandable (I used to be there too!). But what this means is that there is no way out of the agony of more victimisation, powerlessness, and pain. And this is why I am so passionate about you Going Quantum and finding a way to free yourself from the victimisation, the pain and the ongoing trauma that DOES WORK.

This is done by knowing that the trauma you are feeling, which the narcissist is smashing mercilessly, is the signal of the internal beliefs and fractures that are the barriers to your True Self and True Life.

It is powerful beyond measure when we stop condemning the trauma and instead KNOW that every emotional trigger felt is granting us our greatest emancipation opportunity. It is your key to freedom. You are being led UP and OUT of what you are currently experiencing. But not only this, it is opening you up to the ongoing possibility of emancipation from established patterns and further limits in your future.

I ADORE this next mantra, which I really want to share with you because it encapsulates perfectly what I’ve just been saying. So, repeat after me:

‘I bless and accept this trauma as Divine and so meant to be, because I know that it going off in my body is letting me know exactly what to turn towards, load up and release to emancipate and exalt my life way beyond the life I am living. Because of this trauma becoming consciously known, I CAN claim my True Self and Life free from these wounds and limits.’

Okay … breathe and feel this cellularly in your body. Your body knows it’s true, if you open up, breathe and allow this statement to soak through you.

I promise you that is my credo – I adore and embrace all my triggers. I love them. I know their purpose. I know that my soul and all of Creation is totally geared to flourishing me with my True Self and Life. And what this means is that anything that is NOT just that, will come up as dense, painful energy to release and live free from, so that I can make inner space to experience Who I Really Am.

I know it can seem really tough, but it’s so important to bless this time and honour it. Because, truly, you are not just shedding months or years of trauma, you are releasing generational, childhood, past life and collective traumas.

Without this method, it will take you lifetimes to release all these accumulated traumas…

If you ever could.

You are also releasing trauma for humanity itself. Each time you shift, you are freeing the collective from internal programmed wounds.

We are on Divine assignments here, and I promise you that when you embrace it and bless it, you are on your way to fast-track recovery.

Now I want to talk about why breakdowns are vital.

 

Breakdowns Leading to Breakthroughs

If you were to build on an allotment on the site of an old, broken-down house, the most effective way to do this would be to demolish and rebuild.

The same applies with the emotional traumas in our life.

Of course, it is terrifying to let go of what we know and to allow the breakdown/breakthrough process to happen through us.

Yet, I want you to know, with all of my heart, that night-time is it’s darkest just before daybreak.

It is when we are in the worst possible breakdown, thinking that we cannot handle any more pain and darkness, that we are totally on the cusp of the breakthrough – IF we let the breakdown energy of the old GO.

As humans, this has been our greatest struggle – to recognise the divine order that is always generating wellbeing, if we get ourselves out of the way.

We miss these breakdown opportunities. We freeze, hang on to the horrific inwardly triggered trauma, create defences around it, and even fight to righteously reinforce it in our lives. We have all the reasons why we should hang on to the trauma.

This is akin to being taken down a rapid river and not going with the ecological flow, but trying to stop the process, only to get smashed disastrously against the rocks.

Triggered trauma is your breakdown – it is telling you ‘This is NOT your True Self and True Life’. If you meet this trauma, feel the energy of it in your body, and then release it, accepting your breakthrough, then you fill where that trauma once was with Source. This is the shift in Quanta Freedom Healing and the main Quantum Healing component in NARP (Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program).

The breakthrough happens within (in your Inner Universe) before it happens without (in your Outer Universe).

This means your emotions regarding the trauma must FIRST shift before the situation in your life can.

How do we know that we have successfully midwifed a breakdown to the beginning of our breakthrough?

We know because the feelings of negative emotions, victimisation and powerlessness are gone and replaced with feelings of peace and inner calm. You may even sense that ‘everything is in perfect order, no matter what it looks like’.

People may think it is ‘magical thinking’ that a shift on the inside will change your life and how narcissists react to you.

But to think like this truly is NOT realising the grand ramifications of the shift you achieve inwardly.

When you become different, your life becomes different. And this has nothing to do with what other people are or aren’t doing, because what has changed is HOW you respond to them as a different being.

As the Quantum Creator of your Life, you are always generating your life to the letter as per your beliefs, choices and actions – whether unconsciously or consciously. Narcissists in our life experience are giving us the evidence, in hardcore brutality, of what we must clean up.

When you shift to inner calm – your beingness WITHOUT that trauma – and make this inner calm your highest priority, you will discover your emotional triggers become significantly reduced or even non-existent.

You stop being derailed by your wounds. You cease to react in ways that hand the narcissist the narcissistic supply that incites them to keep wanting to abuse you for more narcissistic supply.

By cutting off narcissistic supply, and building your own inner integrity and power, you take back your power. And then you discover that you have aligned with all of the Field on that topic you were previously struggling with.

All of a sudden solutions and support show up where there was none. The right ideas, inspirations, people, synchronicities, information and events will come into your life experience to support you and to add to your wholeness and freedom (because you are BEING that BEING on the inside).

When you live this way of life consciously, you know these are not opportunities to be missed.

This is beyond powerful.

Okay, let’s anchor into this Quantum Truth by repeating the following mantra together.

‘I know that when I am in my darkest, most painful times, if I pledge to meet it and release it and bring in my Light to replace it, that I will powerfully and quickly transform to a New Self, generating the Life that I was always meant to live. And so it is amen!’

Now, after feeling that statement in your body, I would love you to pause this video and tell me in the comments below how this feels for you? Does it feel congruent in your body, or do you have some doubts and questions still?

 

The Way to Thriver Recovery

The three perspectives and understandings I’ve just shared with you, in my opinion, are the biggest and most impactful – they change everything about recovery.

It doesn’t mean that the road to recovery is always a straight line and always easy.

Absolutely it’s inner self-work; it takes effort and full, loving self-commitment. But the results are not just amazing – they are life-giving. They promise, hold and then deliver the only life that was ever going to truly gratify us – a life of living free of our limiting beliefs and wounds.

I feel so blessed every day that I have the best, most gratifying and glorious job helping people achieve a way of life, which narcissists have forced us to find, so that we can save our souls.

Furthermore, I personally live this life every day as a complete Quantum lifestyle.

It’s the only life I’ve ever found that really works – and it continues to bring me such joy every day. So much joy that my heart can barely hold it all.

I want that for all of us.

Those of you already NARPing – if you require assistance to get your Thriver Recovery going, please come into the Private NARP Member’s Forum. Here you have unlimited, free lifetime support from the best Quantum Abuse Recovery Specialists in the world.

To access this please click this link.

And, for those of you ready to start NARPing, because you want this True Life too, please check out the complete Program now by clicking this link. 

I so hope this video has helped.

And if you want to see more of my videos, please subscribe so that you will be notified as soon as each new one is released. And if you liked this – click like. Also, please share with your communities so that we can help people awaken to these truths.

As always I am greatly looking forward to answering your comments and questions below.

 

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