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9 Marital Problems Only Women Face

9 Marital Problems Only Women Face

Frustrated Woman.jpg

 

There is one thing every married couple will tell you…marriage is hard. Whether it’s the first few months or year twenty-five, men and woman who are invested in their marriage all know the big and small things that push their buttons and make marriage downright tough at times.

While researching marital problems I was caught off guard by all the articles I found that pointed out the things women could/should do to make their marriage better. Hmmm, I thought, what about men, do they not have a responsibility to work on the marriage also?

Then my mind wondered to how often problems in a marriage are caused by men alone. Out of curiosity I emailed ten married women friends and asked, “What does your husband do that drives you crazy?” And, the responses I received were all things I’ve heard in the past when counseling married couples.

Based on that, I’m going to go out on a limb and say, there are things that are common to men that negatively impact a wife and, as a result, damage the marriage. Maybe men should put some thought into changing these behaviors? What do you think?

Below are 9 Marital Problems That Only Women Face

Names have been changed to protect the innocent.

1. He never attends the kid’s school activities.

Four out of the ten woman I emailed listed this as one of the things their husband never does. My friend Julie said, “On top of that, he couldn’t tell you the names of the children’s teachers and would probably have a hard time telling you the names of their schools.”

This made me wonder if some fathers out there aren’t understanding the value of fatherhood. Especially in this day and age when fathers are more hands on with their children. Are men who don’t make their children’s school activities a priority devaluing their role in their children’s lives or, are they devaluing the importance of those activities?

Whatever the reason, some of these men need a talking to. They need to get their ass in gear and become involved in their child’s school activities. Why? Because they are fathers and that is what fathers should be doing.

2. He is still attached to his mother’s apron strings.

Two friends had this on their list. Amanda said, “I swear, we’ve never taken a family vacation without his mother. If we go out antiquing on a Saturday afternoon we swing by and pick up his mother!”

Jennie shared this story, “We decided to buy our first home. He HAD to have his mother’s input on our buying budget, what neighborhood would be best to buy in and how many bedrooms we should look for. I finally stood back and let him and his mother go house hunting together.”

These guys aren’t still attached to their mother by their apron strings. They’re still attached by the umbilical cord! Can you say, “Mama’s boy?”

These guys are either driven by guilt or had domineering mothers and are afraid of the backlash if they don’t include their mother.

There are men who love their mother and, out of guilt will include their mother where she shouldn’t be included. A good mother will recognize this tendency in her son and not allow it to carry on for a prolonged period of time. Then there are the domineering mothers who feel they should be number one in their son’s lives.

If you are dealing with a domineering mother-in-law and a fearful husband, get thee to a marital therapist!

3. He expects too much of her.

My friend Rose wrote, “He expects me to take time out of my job to take the kids to the doctor, to their school activities, to take care of EVERYTHING concerning the home, the automobile and whatever else may come up in our daily lives. His excuse is, “I make more money than you so you should be the one to lose time from work.”

Ouch! I know how important Rose’s career is to her. She may make less money but that is no reason for her husband to dismiss what is important to her. And, it is certainly no reason to dump more responsibility on Rose!

Rose needs to set boundaries, have an intensive discussion with her husband about who is responsible for what and stop doing it all just because he makes more money.

4. He reneged on how many children they would have.

This one is sad in many ways. Emily and her husband had discussed how many children they would have before marrying. When the time came to talk about child number three her husband shut down the conversation and informed her he was done fathering children.

You can’t force someone to have another child if they don’t want more. Not if you love them anyway. And, it is possible, after becoming a parent to change one’s mind about how many children they want.

Life can look vastly different after marriage and parenthood than it did during the planning stages. This is a situation where Emily is probably going to need to validate his feelings about another child and sacrifice her desire for one more.

I suggest Emily wait and see what happens as time goes by. As the two children, they have now grow, her husband may begin to long for another child also. If not, this is a situation in which Emily is going to have to respect her husband’s desire to have no more children.

5. She wants more sex, he doesn’t.

Connie wrote, “We have sex, on average, twelve times a year. I long for sex at least once a week. Any discussion with him about the difference in our levels of desire turns into him shutting down and telling me “it’s not about me, it’s about him.”

I wouldn’t classify Connie’s marriage as sexless but, it is definitely sex starved…for Connie anyway. I don’t think Connie asking for sex once a week is asking for too much. I also don’t think that Connie’s husband is investing enough concern over the fact that his wife is feeling rejected sexually.

These two need to be in therapy and, Connie’s husband needs to see a Urologist to find out if there is a physical reason for his lack of desire for sex. This is a husband who either has a physical problem or a psychological problem that is interfering with his ability to engage in a normal sex life with his wife. The underlying issue needs to be addressed!

6. He is a slob.

I have very little to say about this. If he is a slob, it’s because he has been allowed to get away with being a slob. If you’re picking up after him, he has no reason to pick up after himself.

I know for many of you neat-freak types, this is a hard one. But how is he supposed to become self-sufficient if you keep doing everything for him? Don’t worry; I have a solution for you! When your husband drops his dirty clothes next to the hamper instead of in the hamper, or at the side of the bed, or on the living room floor, wad them up, stuff them on his side of the closet, and close the closet door. There!

Now you don’t have to look at them anymore! Of course, he won’t notice the giant pile of clothes on the closet floor, but he will notice when he finally runs out of clean stuff to wear. When he asks you where his clothes are, say: “Oh, I only wash clothes that make it into the hamper. Anything that wasn’t in the hamper I figured wasn’t dirty, so I put it back in the closet. On the floor.” This works. I know from experience.

7. He thinks housework is women’s work.

According to my friend, Andre, her husband watches games on the weekend while she cleans house. He plays golf while she uses her Saturdays off work to take the kids for haircuts or to buy new shoes. Refer to #6 for a cure for this problem.

Although it won’t be easy, if the house becomes dirty enough and the kid’s hair becomes too long, when he mentions you slacking on your “women’s work,” tell him, in no uncertain terms, that you’re on strike until he moves his ass and beliefs into the 21st century and starts pulling his weight.

8. He doesn’t share his feelings and thoughts.

I suggested my friend Bromliegh get herself and her husband into therapy. There are many reasons men clam up and refuse to share their feelings and thoughts. Some of which are marriage and relationship killers. That problem is an entirely other article. So, if you’re having this problem, therapy is where you need to be.

9. He is obsessed with sports.

My friend Leah is a true, football, baseball and basketball widow. It’s so bad at her house the only time they take a family vacation is to travel to a sporting event.

Leah’s husband’s involvement in sports is excessive by any measure, and his indifference to her emotional needs is selfish. He needs to understand that his sports fixation makes Leah question his loyalty, and that to rebuild their relationship he needs to limit his involvement. He entitled to watch and play sports, but he can’t let them dominate his life to the extent that his wife feels neglected.

They need to come together and honestly express to each other how sports became more important than the relationship and work out a schedule where they are both getting what they need. Leah is going to need to give him time with his sports and television, he is going to have to push back from the television and spend quality time with his wife and children.

The post 9 Marital Problems Only Women Face appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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Is Your Husband’s Professional Degree Marital Property?

husband's professional degree marital property

 

In many marriages, one spouse may decide to earn an advanced professional degree to start a new career path or further an existing career. The degree might be for medicine, law, accounting, or another similar path, and earning an advanced degree is necessary to obtain a license to practice in many different professions.

The problem is that professional degree programs can be lengthy and rigorous, so it is imperative to have the support of a spouse while someone is pursuing this type of educational program.

Is Your Husband’s Professional Degree Marital Property?

How Wives Might Contribute to Professional Degrees

There are many ways that a wife can contribute to a professional degree for her husband. First, it can be difficult for a husband to work while pursuing a degree, so the wife may accept the full bread-winning responsibilities while her husband is in school. Her income might cover all of the household expenses, as well as educational expenses. After the degree is earned, a wife’s income might go toward paying off student loans and other educational costs.

An advanced degree and professional license can increase a husband’s income once he is done with school, which can improve the standard of living of both spouses moving forward. However, what happens if a divorce occurs? Does the husband get to solely enjoy the future benefits of his degree? Does a wife get reimbursed for her contributions to the professional degree?

How Degrees are Treated in Divorce

How a degree will be treated in your divorce will depend on the specific jurisdiction overseeing your case. Different jurisdictions have their own approaches regarding how degrees are treated in divorce. For example, for decades, the State of New York considered a degree to be marital property, and the value of the degree would be divided between divorcing spouses. However, New York reversed this policy as of 2016, and a degree is no longer treated as marital property.

That a degree is not marital property is the majority view of courts throughout the United States and Canada. Most states in the U.S. follow this principle, and the precedent in Ontario and other Canadian provinces is the same. Generally speaking, a degree or license cannot be sold or transferred like property, and the degree itself has no guaranteed future value without the choices and acts of the degree-holder to earn a living based on the degree.

However, this does not mean that a wife should get nothing in return for her contributions to a husband earning a degree. There are different ways courts handle this situation, depending on the specific circumstances at hand and the jurisdiction.

Options for Wives Regarding Professional Degrees

Courts can take different approaches to ensure that wives are fairly compensated for their sacrifices and contributions to a husband’s success. A couple of examples of how this matter might be addressed by a divorce court are as follows.

Reimbursement Approach

This approach acknowledges that a wife used marital assets to pay for the educational program, and requires the professional spouse to replace marital assets a wife lost as a result. While a wife does not necessarily have the right to a degree as property, she might have a right to reimbursement for her investments, from which she received no lasting benefits. This could be in the form of a larger property distribution, a lump-sum payment, or an alimony award.

Alimony as Compensation

In many situations, a husband’s professional degree will give him a higher earning potential for the future. On the other hand, a wife may have put her career aspirations on hold to support the household and husband while he earned the degree and professional license. When a divorce arises, the two spouses may have a discrepancy in their earning abilities.

A wife should not have a lower standard of living than her spouse after contributing to his professional degree and making sacrifices regarding her own career for the good of the marriage. In this situation, a court may award the wife alimony to accomplish one or more of the following:

  • Compensate her for her contributions
  • Help her enjoy the standard of living she had in the marriage if she cannot afford it based on her current earning power
  • Allow her to obtain her own education or training needed to boost her career and earning potential

Overall, the law in most jurisdictions generally supports the fact that spouses have the duty to support one another, including to help them obtain professional degrees and meet other goals. For this reason, a degree is generally not considered to be marital property, though there are other ways that wives can be reimbursed for their selfless contributions to a spouse’s professional future.

When you and your spouse are discussing property division and possible alimony awards in your divorce case, it is important to know your rights in your jurisdiction. This can help avoid agreeing to a property division resolution that fails to properly compensate you for your contributions and sacrifices. It is always a wise idea to discuss the complicated property and financial issues, such as professional degrees and income discrepancies, with an experienced divorce lawyer who can advocate for your rights.

The post Is Your Husband’s Professional Degree Marital Property? appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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marital compatibility

Marital Compatibility: It’s About More Than Being “In Love”

marital compatibility

 

Emily Cowen, a musical artist I enjoy sings, “Even though we just met, these feelings are so beautiful, you and me were meant to be together.” And that is where “love” songs get love wrong. You’ve just met, the feelings are beautiful so, goodness gracious, you must be meant to be together.

Wrong!

Long-lasting marriages and relationships aren’t based on beautiful feelings. They thrive because of compatibility and the unique differences both genders bring to the relationship and how well each can resolve conflict.

Let’s look at the role compatibility plays in lasting marriages.

Initial compatibility, the butterflies and raging hormonal attraction is not a good indicator of how successful a marriage will be. That immediate chemical attraction felt with someone new isn’t concerned with the other person’s value system, personality characteristics or those other beliefs and personality traits that bond a couple together for the long-term.

Attraction and butterflies are important if a marriage is going to stand the test of time, but what is more important is a couple’s common plan for what direction the marriage will take and what role each will play in the marriage.

What does marital compatibility look like?

Friendship: Are you friends with your spouse?  Is there a sincere likeness and level of comfort? Successful couples enjoy spending time with each other. It is this friendship that can be the foundation for solving problems as they arise in the marriage.

Role expectations in the marriage: This isn’t only about how household responsibilities will be handled. It’s also about who spouses treat each other. Very few conversations about role expectations come up when in the throws a brand new relationship. Roles will form naturally as time goes on or the couple will define what role they will play in the relationship. If you aren’t happy with the role you play, there isn’t much hope for the marriage.

My son’s wife isn’t a domestic goddess. She has a high pressure job and a Master’s in Nursing. She is more interested in cerebral pursuits than what art is hung on the walls or, cleaning the kitchen. My son, on the other hand, loves his career but also loves to cook and keep the house tidy. I tease my new daughter-in-law and tell her she has a “fine wife.”

Before marrying they discussed who would do what and they now not only enjoy each other intimately, they are both quite comfortable with how to household is run and the role each plays in the decision making process. It’s an equation for success!

Emotional honesty: Successful spouses trust each other, they feel safe being vulnerable and when discussing their feelings. There is an emotional give and take. When one spouse is in need, the other is there for them and vice versa.

Sexual expectations: Setting these expectations is not only about how frequently a couple will be intimate. It is important, very important that they both be on the same page about sexual frequency but there are other aspects of a sexual relationship that need to be defined. Not everyone is on board with experiencing every sexual act known to man.

Defining what you are and aren’t comfortable with sexually is imperative, right out of the gate. Couples who have similar sexual expectations experience more bonding with each other which sets them up for long-term success as a couple.

Shared goals: Mutually committing to and following a path you both agree on is something successful couples do. Do you want children, how will they be raised if you do? What is more important, spending money on furthering education or saving money for a down-payment on a house? Common shared goals and values are things that are the foundation for a strong marriage.

Most successful marriages come about because both partners came into the relationship with similar belief systems and values that match. This makes it easier for two people to reach agreements on issues such as sexual intimacy, gender roles and to be easily emotionally open with each other.

This isn’t to say that a solid marriage is made up of only couples with good qualities. Two people who avoid conflict, have hot-blooded temperaments and prefer to go with the flow can also make marriage work, as long as they are both on the same page.

The post Marital Compatibility: It’s About More Than Being “In Love” appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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Marital Mediation: Could it Save Your Marriage?

Marital Mediation: Could it Save Your Marriage?

Marital Mediation is an important, effective Alternative Dispute Resolution Process that is worthy of continued practice and development.

The post Marital Mediation: Could it Save Your Marriage? appeared first on Divorce Magazine.

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The Marital Home: The Difference Between a Mortgage Deed and Property Title

The Marital Home: The Difference Between a Mortgage Deed and Property Title

Divorce is a stressful and highly emotional time, in short, major decisions like what is to happen to the marital home should not be made out of emotion.

The post The Marital Home: The Difference Between a Mortgage Deed and Property Title appeared first on Divorce Magazine.

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Tips For Dividing Marital Property During Divorce

Tips For Dividing Marital Property During Divorce

The process of dividing marital property during divorce begins with taking an inventory of all you, as a couple, have acquired during the marriage. Anything you owned before the marriage and anything inherited during the marriage will not count as marital property.

The post Tips For Dividing Marital Property During Divorce appeared first on Divorce Magazine.

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