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The Narcissist And The Fear Of Not Knowing The Outcome

The Narcissist And The Fear Of Not Knowing The Outcome

 

Fear is a really big part of narcissistic abuse.

Not knowing how things will end up when you’re being emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually and financially smashed, fuels that fear.

It totally feels like your outcome is bleak … but is it?

Beyond the threats, the devastation, powerlessness and lack of support there is a way to bypass the brain and let the body lead you out of fear.

Let me explain this Quantum Truth to you in my latest Thriver TV episode.

 

 

Video Transcript

One of the most terrifying things about a breakdown with a narcissist is that you have no idea how it will end up.

Emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually and financially you’ve been smashed.

You know that if you stay you will continue getting ripped to pieces, despite all your efforts to make it otherwise.

You know that if you leave that things could get even worse.

You may be facing court battles for property, businesses, resources and even your children.

The narcissist might already have seized control and ownership of many things, threatening you with how horrible they can make your life in the future.

Your outcome looks bleak.

But is it?

That question is what today’s episode is all about.

Before I get started, I’d like to thank you for subscribing to my channel and for supporting the Thriver Mission which is about a true solution to heal from narcissistic abuse.

And also remind you, that if you haven’t yet subscribed, please do.

Okay, so on with today’s episode.

 

How The Mind Perceives This

When you are in the throes of narcissistic abuse looking at the devastation of your world around you, absolutely you feel powerless.

And, it feels like you don’t have the health, sanity and resources left to go on with.

Additionally, it seems like other people don’t get it, aren’t being supportive and are not holding the narcissist accountable. They may even believe that you are the problem.

To add insult to injury, commonly legal personnel and the court system aren’t helping you either.

Things absolutely are bad, and no matter where you look there is no logical, physical proof that things can get better.

Yet, there is a deeper possibility of resurrection here that you may have never come into contact with yet.

And that is really normal because we’ve all been separated from our innate power, which is to know yourself as the Creative generative force of your experience.

We’ve been programmed to look to the outside world to try to get our answers and our power there instead.

I so know what it is like to be in this place, as I know many of you have or still do. It is completely typical of the breakdown of narcissistic abuse. And 100% understandable. However, I want you to know that it doesn’t have to be this way.

This is happening because you haven’t yet done the journey from the mind into the body to become the true Creator of your future.

Here is the divine dichotomy with this – when feeling traumatised and out-of-control, this is exactly the time when you need to make that shift the most, and it is the time when it’s the hardest to do it.

Let me explain …

 

When Traumatised, The Mind Is Energised

In narcissistic abuse breakdown the trauma is off the charts. You’re lucky to be able to make yourself a cup of tea let alone formulate a way to survive, break away and successfully rebuild your life.

Of course, you are terrified about what the future holds. You feel horribly unsafe in the present, and the horrific things in the past haunt you. Why would you have hope for the future?

Please let me explain to you the way your mind works so that you can understand why it is virtually impossible to think your way into a positive outcome.

Your brain is following your body.

The trauma that has infiltrated you, and is now literally inside you smashing your Inner Being, has a life of its own. This produces the intensely hijacking chemicals of fight and flee.

Once upon a time adrenaline and cortisol were incredibly effective to force blood and energy to your limbs to be able to run up a tree to get away from a predator. It was designed as a short-term solution, then when the threat disappeared, your system could reset to normal.

In the extreme trauma of narcissistic abuse, this isn’t happening. Because of the unpredictability, pathology, toxicity and life-sucking aspects of narcissistic abuse, you are constantly in trauma.

This means other critical processes within you are starved of nutrients and energy. Things like the ability to think straight, calmly and solidly. Your immune system is also depleted. This can make you very sick.

When you are in constant trauma, you have become a lesser, more ineffectual being.

Please know this is not your fault at all, it’s just the truth!

What this means is planning, finding solutions and the ability to inspire and generate support with familiars and authorities is seriously compromised.

This is why most people in the devastating breakdown of narcissistic abuse fare very badly. The narcissist often wins, leaving you stripped bare and even more traumatised.

It’s awful, but again it doesn’t need to be this way.

How can your future not end up on the scrap pile of life after being desecrated by a narcissist?

This is how … By doing the switch to putting your body in charge so that your brain can follow.

What does that mean?

I can’t wait to help you understand this, because it’s everything regarding your future outcome.

 

The Difference Between “Being” And “Thinking”

I really want you to understand the meaning of the word “be-come”.

It means that if you “be” it, then it will “come”. It’s vital to understand “being something” does not mean “thinking something”, it means BEING something.

I want you to feel the word “being”, as opposed to “thinking”.

Can you feel the word “being” as being in your body, in your visceral? Meaning it is anchored inside you. Which means it just is. It’s who you are being. It is Who You Are.

Now let’s think about “thinking”. When you are thinking something, it is a concept. It’s in your head but hasn’t yet transferred down into your Being. It’s not who you are being yet, it’s just what you are thinking.

To distinguish between the two is very important because this has everything to do with your future and how your life is going to unfold for you.

If you are thinking about what you want, and you are not yet anchored in the solid wholeness of your Being, in your body, then no matter what you think it’s not going to be-come your life.

Many of you may know that I am not a fan of the principles of Law of Attraction. The idea is great, but there are so many components missing, especially for people who have suffered high levels of trauma.

There is no way that you are going to be able to hold the thoughts or the visualisations of positive and incredible things happening in your life, such as ample money, a new home, people who love and support you and a wonderful intimate partner, after you’ve been smashed to pieces.

The trauma is just too horrific. There is too much adrenaline and cortisol. There are far too many unhealed inner traumas that you haven’t yet freed yourself from which are causing you to think in ways that completely match that trauma, rather than be able to move into an empowered knowing of the future.

There is the constant battle with these internal traumas, just by trying to survive them and overcome them.

The only way to truly overcome extreme trauma is to turn inwards and do the work directly in your Inner Being. Then you can go free from these traumas and automatically you will start thinking differently.

 

The Truth About Your “Beingness”

When you are dedicated to releasing your trauma, you will find that your Beingness was underneath the rubble of the trauma all along. This is your true essence, which is already unconditionally self-loving, self-accepting and able to honour yourself in life.

This is the True You who with so much less effort knows how to be self-generative and make your life work, regardless of what you have been through or what you’ve lost.

The activation of your True Beingness is probably what you have been trying to get from outside of yourself frenetically. For decades I was doing the same until I turned inwards and realised that it already existed within me.

Before this shift, that is everything, we are usually trying to put the “getting” with “thinking” in front of the “Being”.

I used to believe, while stuck in my trauma, that if I just tried hard enough to visualise the resurrection of my finances, and a new home, loving supportive people and a wonderful intimate partner that somehow I would be able to land up there.

It didn’t work.

Why?

Because I was attaching all of my Beingness to these outcomes. It made me stay clinging in my destructive marriage. A big part of me didn’t want to let go unless I was somehow able to create these things straightaway. I believed that my very Inner Identity, my Beingness relied on these things.

It certainly didn’t.

I didn’t realise until I let go, turned inwards with total self-dedication and self-love, finally realising that my healing of my Beingness was everything.

Not the Beingness of being able to hold visualisations of money, a home, people and a partner. Rather simply the self-partnering into wholeness with my Being.

I had no idea what that would bring, other than know I needed to do it. To my delight what started to arise very quickly was feelings of inspiration, awakening, wisdom, joy, love, appreciation, energy, health and every other positive emotion you could possibly experience.

None of this was artificial. None of this was produced from things outside of me. It just arose from within.

And, I noticed people and situations started to gravitate around me to support me. The most crazy good things started to happen, incredible synchronicity and support bringing me whatever I needed, appearing literally out of thin air.

Why?

Because I was self-partnered and life had started to partner me profoundly.

This is our natural organic Beingness without trauma.

I promise you that with all my heart.

That’s the alchemy. That’s the power.

That’s the shift.

What do you think your future will be from this place?

Do you think that you need any particular future in order to feel okay?

Or do you believe that you have an open heart connected to astounding resources to magnificently create and enjoy and love the journey?

I know of so many Thrivers, including myself, who have created the most incredible outcomes, that are continually unfolding every day. I am proud to say I have absolutely no idea of my ultimate outcome and destination.

And, so many of us came from narcissistic abuse devastation where it was virtually deemed impossible for us to ever make a comeback.

But I promise you, from a place of deep devotion and dedication to your Beingness, as a result of releasing your trauma, you will know yourself as an unlimited Being.

Maybe today’s Thriver TV episode is one that you will need to watch a few times to absorb these Quantum Truths. Or maybe they hit home straight away!

If this does hit home, I want you to pause the video and write below, “I totally get it!”

Okay, so I’d love you to truly anchor this in as Beingness, rather than it just remaining as a concept to consider.

The way I can help you get that shift is in my free webinar. You can come and join me in that process, by clicking this link and reserve your place.

And as always, I look forward to answering your comments and your questions below.

 

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Self-Isolating With A Narcissist? – Watch This!

Self-Isolating With A Narcissist? – Watch This!

 

This time of COVID-19 pandemic is incredibly challenging, especially for those who are self-isolated with a narcissist because, of course, you are going to be more susceptible to their abuse.

A narcissist gets their acclaim and adoration from others, but this is difficult for a narcissist in lockdown.

Narcissists do not fare well in lockdown and nor do those stuck with them, and some of you will see an escalation of abuse.

In this Thriver TV episode, I want to offer you some guidance to provide you with ways to protect yourself while this pandemic is restricting our lives.

 

 

Video Transcript

I can’t tell you how many people have reached out with this issue right now.

That’s why I wanted to have a conversation with you about it.

This time of COVID-19 pandemic is incredibly challenging, especially for those who are self-isolated with a narcissist because of course, you are more susceptible to his or her abuse.

My heart goes out to you, and I deeply wanted to do this episode, to grant you some powerful tools to be able to cope at this time.

 

Narcissists In Lockdown

The very nature of narcissism means that there is a high requirement for narcissistic supply – the attention from the world that allows the narcissist to know that he or she exists.

Once getting past the love bombing stage with a narcissist, and the honeymoon period, primary intimates are not the narcissist’s main source of narcissistic supply anymore.

That is because the cracks have appeared and you have become injured, disappointed and even disgusted with this person. You are no longer the fawning, adoring servant to the False Self that you once were.

This means that the narcissist needs to get his or her acclaim and adoration from others. This is difficult for a narcissist in lockdown. Either he or she is going to flaunt the rules and just do that anyway or being self-isolated means becoming intensely disturbed and distressed.

Adding insult to injury, there are narcissists who have also lost their income stream.

What does this mean?

It means that the abuse will escalate.

He or she will unleash the erupting self-annihilating critic that can no longer be medicated away with narcissistic supply, by attacking you.

It’s no surprise that health departments from all over the globe are reporting a big escalation in intimate partner and family violence as a result of COVID-19 restrictions.

 

Detachment Is Key

It’s true, this is a critical time for you if you are self-isolating with a narcissist.

This is a time when you really need to be actively empowering yourself, to not just survive this unprecedented situation our world is in, but also the tension and mayhem of being in close and constant proximity to a narcissist.

Narcissists are highly skilled at identifying your weak points and hitting them hard in order to get a reaction. This is about getting the drama – the feed of significance.

If a narcissist can blame you, and get you to be the bad one, they dump their inner ‘dis-regulated’ feelings all over you. Then this grants the added opportunity to be in contact with others to smear you and get narcissistic supply from them.

In order to emotionally survive, you must be stronger than ever, and not buy into it.

Your greatest hope is to detach so that the narcissist can’t extract narcissistic supply from you and will find another avenue to get it.

I know that can be hard. I know that can make you feel even more abandoned and abused. But truly when you can pull back and start focusing on your own inner healing, then you are well on the way to becoming free.

One of the greatest keys, as hard as it may seem to do, is to step up to the plate of looking after yourself, emotionally and spiritually. Dedicated attention to your inner state is your most important foundational piece to getting well.

If you still have hopes that the narcissist will wake up and love you healthily, then you’re in for a very painful ride.

If you believe that this time in isolation with this person means that you will be able to get them to see the truth and wake up, the more you try to make this happen, the more you will get punished.

Regarding any narcissist in your life, your mission is not to save them, fix them or get them to love you. The mission is, rather, to turn inwards and heal those parts of yourself that feel dependent on achieving these goals.

When you turn inwards with the intention to reclaim you, I promise you that you will discover an unhealed part of yourself from your past that wanted people to grant you love, approval, security and safety. Yet, now as an adult, your personal evolution is about healing enough to be the generator of those things for yourself.

I promise you that no matter how things seem, you have a lot to look forward to. Once you graduate beyond the neediness and the attachment to the narcissist you will start to come home to heal that relationship with yourself. I promise you that then the pain will start dissolving away, and your True Life can begin.

I really want you to know that the inability to feel solid within yourself, and being attached to people who were hurting you, was never your fault. We have all been a product of a world, education and caretakers which didn’t allow our Inner Identity to develop emotionally enough to be our own whole source yet.

I promise you, at this extreme time of pain and pressure, you do have an incredible opportunity, regardless of the fallout and stress that you are facing, to really get this job done.

Of course, in this time of coronavirus uncertainty, you don’t know what your future will bring. You don’t know what life will look like after this time. It is bringing up so much fear and confusion for many people. I know that this is going to be one of the most painful times of your life. I know that you want to receive the comfort from the narcissist, to give you a big hug and just tell you that everything is going to be okay.

But this person never did care about your wholeness, safety or security. You were merely a tool to feed the narcissist’s insatiable bottomless False Self. This isn’t personal. It’s not because you are unlovable or unworthy of love. It’s because this is simply how a narcissist operates.

Now that you are scared and vulnerable and unavailable to be the narcissist’s energetic slave, this is a time when they will punish you the most.

The narcissistic credo is, “How dare you try to need me when you are there to serve me!” Hence why so many narcissists leave their partners when they have serious illnesses. This is never what a genuine loving partner would do!

If you are trying to look out for and look after a female narcissist, in these challenging times, nothing you do will ever be good enough either. And you will still be blamed for everything.

Or, maybe the narcissist is using this time to his or her advantage to get you to hand over more energy, more pieces of your Soul as well as your rights, property and resources.

Don’t fall for it.

It’s imperative now to take yourself back, not hand over even more pieces of yourself.

 

How Do You Take Yourself Back?

With a narcissist, you are not fighting a practical war. You are fighting a spiritual, energetic one.

This is the battle between Life Force and Antilife. This is literally a battle for your Soul. If you grant the narcissist any of your energy, good or bad, then you are feeding his or her capacity to continue hurting you and sucking you dry.

Taking yourself back means that you become emotionally unaffected. You make it your greatest mission to detach to the point where you don’t respond to anything inflammatory, or get hooked into any debates, arguments or triggers of injustice whatsoever.

You stay clear of handing over any emotional energy at all.

There will be triggers.

Plenty of them.

The narcissist will try to get to you in the ways that he or she always has. This could be accusations, or complete abandonment and stonewalling. Or something else.

The narcissist knows exactly what presses your buttons and what can be used against you.

So how do you take yourself out of this dramatic soul-sucking game?

By shoring up all of those parts of you which used to be susceptible to this.

I want to take you through a little exercise to help you take your power back.

 

Your Detachment and Return To Power Protocol

Whether you are in self-isolation with a narcissist, or you have been struggling with any narcissistic abuse, past or present, and you know that there is a wound that is still there that hurts you, I want you to come and do this little exercise with me.

Before we get started, please make sure that you have a writing pad and a pen with you.

Okay, so I want you to close your eyes, take a couple of deep breaths and roll your shoulders back.

Now I want you to set the intention that the following exercise is going to be insightful, healing and empowering for you.

Please know “insightful” means granting you “inter-sight”.

Now, I want you to imagine being triggered by the narcissist.

You know how that happens and how incensed and off-balance you feel, when it happens.

Okay take your attention inwards, I want you to feel in your body, which part of you is being triggered.

Maybe you feel that dense painful energy in the pit of your stomach. Maybe it is in your heart. Or you feel it is a constriction in your throat. Is it located in another part of your body? Maybe the trigger feels so big it is everywhere underneath your skin.

Just breathe for a minute, and have your body relaxed and open. With your attention and consciousness deeply inside yourself, I want you to trust where you feel that trigger.

Now, I want you to take your awareness to that part of yourself, with the love and devotion and fascination of being really interested in what this is about.

With your body open and breathing, I want you to repeat this mantra after me.

“I am making this declaration that I am taking my power back. No longer do I look at you (the abuser) as my source of fixing what is hurting within me. Rather, I will now meet and heal what is going on within me. By doing so your energy becomes irrelevant in my life. You are not my saviour. I am my own saviour, and I let you go and release you, with relief, from every part of my being. I am now free to love and heal me.”

Okay so now with your body open and breathing I want you to stay in contact with this dense or painful energy inside your body, and I want you to say, “Sweetheart (or “mate” or whatever endearing term you want to use) I know that you feel scared and hurt right now. I am here to step up and love you back to wholeness. What is it that you are feeling right now? Please tell me.”

Now I want you to pause this video, for as long as it takes, and I want you to write about what has come up for you. Don’t change or sensor what comes. Just stay super present with love, pouring love into this inner part of you, as you would a child who you adore, while you listen unconditionally.

Write down what you receive.

If you like, you may wish to share a little bit of this below with myself and others. By doing so many people will be able to relate. Remember we are all in this together. There is so much power in sharing in a healing container like this. It will give you such a boost in your own healing.

Okay, so now that you are aware of what is causing your Inner Being to feel scared and hurt, you may recognise that this has been there for a long time. This is not necessarily just what the narcissist has done to you. It’s likely that what the narcissist is doing to you is a continuation of this feeling that you experienced before.

Maybe, just maybe, these are the feelings that you have had ever since you were a small child.

Now I want you to breathe deeply into this part of yourself, this scared hurt part and I want you to repeat after me, “Darling Inner Being (or whatever endearing term you want to use) I hear you, and I am here for you. I pledge with all my heart and soul that together we will heal back to integration, back to wholeness, to a place where we will never hand our power away to people who hurt us again. These people are no longer our reality, they were only the catalyst to bring me home to heal you. I love you, and I’m never leaving you again.”

Now I want you to just breathe and let that soak in.

If you feel that you wish to, please pause the video and share below how this feels in your body.

 

What Taking Your Power Back Will Create

This is what I want you to know with all my heart – narcissists only have power in your experience when they are using your wounds against you. When you take back your power by you being responsible for the healing of your wounds, the narcissist becomes completely irrelevant.

This is when, even with living in close proximity, this person will back off and leave you alone, because they can no longer operate in your experience.

But know this …  he or she may try many different tactics to pull you back into their energetic vacuum. You may have to meet your Inner Being many, many times over and over again as each new vulnerability gets tested.

For example, the narcissist may originally try being abrasive. Then you heal that part of yourself which is triggered by the careless and nasty words.

Then the narcissist may try stonewalling and abandonment. Then you heal that part of yourself.

Then the narcissist may threaten you with replacing you with new supply. Then you heal that part of yourself and become detached again.

Then the narcissist may break down and cry and be “sorry” and try to get you back in by pulling on your compassionate heartstrings. Then you detach and heal that part of yourself.

Then the narcissist may threaten you, and you shore up that part of yourself and you are completely unafraid.

And so on and on and on it goes, until you have healed every gap that the narcissist has been purposefully targeting in order to try to get back in and mine and drain your soul.

Can you imagine how evolved, up-levelled and impervious to any outside force you become as a result of this?

Can you see the grist necessitating your own spectacular personal evolution when stuck in self-isolation with a narcissist?

Is there a part of your Soul that is possibly excited about this opportunity?

I promise you that there are no mistakes – this is a paramount rebirth from extraordinary circumstances.

This is the stuff that Phoenixes were designed to do.

You are a Phoenix.

You are coded with the power of the entire universe inside of you.

You have everything within you to activate your True God Self.

I stand for this because this is what Thriving after narcissistic abuse is all about.

 

Your New and Free Self

What we have outlined in this episode today is exactly what healing from narcissistic abuse is about, except this is now in an intensified form. This is how diamonds are created, under intense heat and pressure.

Narcissistic abuse is a make or break deal, and I don’t know any time when this is more pertinent than now.

There are people suffering terribly out there because of narcissistic abuse because they don’t know the truth about the evolutionary process and opportunity that lies within it. This is horrific and as far as I’m concerned, such a waste of many beautiful Souls.

On my watch, I’m going to make sure that I help reduce the suffering from narcissistic abuse as much as possible, by helping people know about how to heal for real.

For all of you out there who want a very powerful tool to be able to detach and heal those inner parts of yourself that are being triggered, then I cannot recommend NARP enough. It is the process myself and so many thousands of other people who have been abused have used to heal the unimaginable.

If you have been in this community for some time you will have heard people talk about NARP on virtually every post on all of my social media platforms.

To learn more about NARP, and what it can do for you, click this link.

I also invite you to come into my free webinar to experience a free session of Quanta Freedom Healing for yourself, which will help you release and transcend some of the awful triggers that are coming up for you right now.

Okay, so I really hope that this episode has helped you, and I can’t wait to respond to your comments and questions below.

 

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The 11 Telltale Signs Of A Narcissist Quiz (Updated 2020 NPD Test)

The 11 Telltale Signs Of A Narcissist Quiz (Updated 2020 NPD Test)

 

There are many telltale signs that someone is a narcissist but 11 of them really stand out.

You need to know them and understand what they mean and how they impact your life.

These 11 signs are serious and are the basis of a quiz I have put together for you so you know the severity of narcissism you are dealing with.

Because this is the stuff that all narcissists do!

And … so that you can get to the bottom of all of this to understand if what you’re dealing with is mild, moderate or really, really extreme abuse, you can take a quick quiz to get your answer!

The quiz only takes a couple of minutes and is going to bring you so much clarity!

Can’t wait to share all this crucial information with you in today’s episode.

 

 

Video Transcript

I’m so excited about today because it’s taken me quite some time to work out exactly what I’m going to be sharing with you.

Namely, in my opinion, the top 11 telltale signs of a narcissist, and what they are and what they mean.

Not just from the narcissist’s perspective, but also the impact that this has caused in your life.

Then, at the end of this episode, I’m going to connect you up with a very simple two-minute quiz, that will allow you to know with full clarity what level of narcissist you have been with, or are still dealing with.

Okay, so let’s dive in and check out the 11 signs that I believe conclusively identify narcissistic behaviour, starting with the first.

 

Number One: Refuses to be Responsible and Remorseful for Actions

This one is incredibly common with people who have Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD).

How this manifests is as a refusal to be accountable. The narcissist will use all sorts of deflections and diversions to dodge taking responsibility for their behaviour.

And, because this person is not accountable, responsible or genuinely remorseful about how they hurt other people or the fact that they are committing pathological, manipulative and even criminal acts, they do not learn from their mistakes.

A narcissist simply does not grow up and become responsible. The same problems, the same behaviours and the same catastrophic effects continue to happen to them and other people in their lives.

If you’re with somebody like this, you will be tearing your hair out trying to get them to realise what they have done and apologise and make amends for it.

And you’ll be blown away regarding how this person continues to re-offend.

Any apology comes as a false apology. It comes way too late, and it may be used when nothing else will work to try to keep you hooked as narcissistic supply.

And when an apology does come, it will usually come with invalidating statements like, “I said I’m sorry! What more do you want?”

Which seriously is not an apology at all.

 

Number Two: Takes Offence to Real or Perceived Criticism

Narcissists “pop open” on a hair-line trigger.

They get bent out of shape by things that normal, emotionally mature adults just don’t get upset about.

Of course, everybody can have a bad day, when under stress. But narcissists consistently get moody, sullen and aggressive.

When a narcissist perceives that you said the wrong thing, they take umbrage, dish out tit-for-tat comments or punish you with the silent treatment. Or they exit the scene altogether as a way of abandoning you.

Or, the narcissist lines you up with a cruel ferocity that leaves you reeling.

All because you said something that their unreasonable, insecure False Self didn’t want to hear.

Maybe, you spoke up for your highly compromised violated needs or values.

Which of course, is not what the narcissist is in a relationship for. It’s fully all about them, and when you are not serving the monstrous ego adequately this is when you will see a narcissist unravel into childish and extreme behaviours.

 

Number Three: Is Critical, Hard to Please and Verbally Abusive

With a narcissist you are damned if you do and you are damned if you don’t.

You may try to twist yourself into the shape of a pretzel to appease this person, keep them happy or at the very least stop them from abusing you.

But it just isn’t possible.

The truth is the narcissist is such an inner seething pit of insecurity, pain and malfunction that he or she will lash out at close intimates.

The narcissist, trapped in such unconsciousness, believes you are the cause of their emotional disruptions.

Nothing could be further from the truth, yet the narcissist refuses to see it any other way.

Of course, being on the receiving end of such inhumane, devastating and maliciously cruel treatment will cause you to break down under such senseless and unrelenting abuse.

 

Number Four: Shows Disdain for Regulations and Makes Up Own Rules

Narcissists believe that they are a law unto themselves.

They hate being pinned down, and answerable to anybody.

The narcissist believes that if he or she were to fall in line, that this would reduce them to being “the same as everybody else”, which their False Self finds incomprehensible.

How can a False Self retain its fictitious engineered construction of vast superiority, if having to do what one is told?

Narcissists regularly flaunt their own way of doing things. They break the rules. They tell people what they want to hear and then do the exact opposite.

They even engage in criminal activities that fulfil the agendas of garnishing the energy, acclaim and things that the narcissist relentlessly chases.

 

Number Five: Is Charming and Loving then Devaluing and Discarding

A narcissist can switch from adoring you, to abhorring you on a dime.

This leaves you reeling.

One minute you think how loved up this person is with you, and then this person hates you and tells you why they don’t want to be with you anymore.

Or, if it’s a non-intimate partner narcissist, somebody else in your life, you may have felt like you’ve just had a breakthrough and got some kind of acceptance and understanding with this person, and then they turn on you mercilessly again.

It’s not normal, and it is one of the most devastating things to go through, thinking finally you have some safety and sensibility with this individual, and then they pull the rug out from underneath you harder than ever.

When the narcissist is full of supply they can be the most delightful, loving creatures you could ever imagine. However, any high of temporary “fullness and happiness” is short-lived.

As soon as the narcissist starts plummeting into being low on narcissistic supply, then the demons erupt. This is when the narcissist will lash out at close intimates who are easy targets if they’re already hooked.

To try to escape their own self-annihilating feelings, narcissists project out onto you lots of insane accusations and assumptions, including what they are doing themselves.

 

Number Six: Engages in Pathological Lying and Cheating

Narcissists lie. It’s just what a False Self does.

The narcissist knows, conceptually, that other people think lying is unacceptable, yet the narcissist believes that lying is fair game to secure the agenda that is needed to get narcissistic supply.

This means that a narcissist will tell anybody exactly what they want to hear, to be able to snare them as an energy source and fulfil their own agenda. It also means that the narcissist will withhold, twist and turn facts and divert blame to avoid the narcissistic injury of being held accountable for wrongdoing.

In the devaluing stage, when the narcissist projects their wounds onto somebody, they can come up with the most outrageous lies about that person in order to discredit them and to try to destroy their life.

In the final discard stage, this is incredibly apparent.

Narcissists are equally capable of adultery and sexual promiscuity, without any remorse at all. It’s a very rare person who hasn’t discovered the pathological lying and cheating that a narcissist has done.

Naturally, this is incredibly shocking, especially when a narcissist will look you straight in the eye and tell you that they have never done these things.

It’s a huge shock to discover that they certainly do.

 

Number Seven: Uses Defence Mechanisms When Confronted

Narcissists twist, turn, abuse, confuse, blame and attack when confronted about wrongdoings.

There are in fact around twenty defence mechanisms that narcissists use, and they all make you feel like your head is going to spin off your shoulders and explode.

It’s beyond mental!

If you are arguing with somebody who refuses to stay on topic, completely invalidates your feelings, uses tit-for-tat retaliations, and brings in allies real or imagined to back up their arguments, and twists and turns facts in ways that are nonsensical and completely delusional, this is a sure sign that you’re dealing with a narcissist.

You truly would get more sense from an angry five-year-old.

 

Number Eight: Engages in Smearing and Discrediting You

Narcissists like to learn about the deep mechanics of other people. Things such as their past, their secrets and what makes them tick.

If there are any vulnerabilities or cracks, the narcissist holds onto these like aces in a poker game.

Once you’re in the devalue and discard stages, a narcissist will use personal information against you to get narcissistic supply and attention from other people, to discredit you and even to try to destroy you.

This is all about fulfilling the narcissist’s agenda, of outing you so that the narcissist can take over your position, or dismantling and destroying you when the narcissist has decided that you are no longer appropriate in his or her life.

Absolutely outrageous lies can be used, as well as stretching the truth and only giving one side of a story.

Anything that you have said or done in retaliation can and will be used against you, making you out to be the crazy and unstable one.

 

Number Nine: Glorifies Achievements and Self

Narcissists talk about the Glory Days, meaning any of their past notable achievements, real or fabricated. It’s the same stories over and over and over about how wonderful, incredible or special they are.

The narcissist hangs onto this as a shiny penny, designed to self-medicate when low on narcissistic supply or to suck energy from others.

Narcissists also take over conversations. They are terrible listeners, are not interested in your life at all and can’t wait to butt in and switch the conversation back to themselves.

The narcissist knows more, has done it better, and is a greater authority than anybody else.

He or she is not interested in you (apart from in the love-bombing phase where attentiveness makes you bond with them) and is only interested in sucking energy from you, while they talk all about themselves.

A narcissist starts feeling low on narcissistic supply if anyone else is getting the energy and the attention. If the conversation is not about the narcissist, they will have to steer it back to them, disrupt everyone, or leave the room.

 

Number 10: Is Unable To Express Genuine Compassion and Empathy

A narcissist can pretend to be compassionate and empathetic when trying to secure an agenda.

However, you will discover that this person simply does not have the resources to be genuinely compassionate and empathetic.

A narcissist will regularly step on people’s toes, without having the filter to even realise that they’ve done so, and then are totally void of any compassion or empathy afterwards.

People are objects to a narcissist; they are not real individuals. As far as the narcissist is concerned people are there to serve her or him and are not valid in any other way.

A narcissist may dissolve into a show of incredible compassion and empathy when you’re walking out the door, you’ve had enough, and the narcissist is terrified about losing you as narcissistic supply. But if you succumb and fall back into the narcissist’s arms, things before long will be back to normal. In fact, even worse than ever.

 

Number 11: Is Capable of Atrocious Behaviour that Damages People and Their Resources

Speaking of having to lash out and hurt you, narcissists do this all the time. Either purposefully or inadvertently.

It’s purposeful when the narcissist has decided that you have not appeased the False Self adequately.

How dare you not grovel, succumb, or jump over higher and higher hoops to serve his or her Majesty. If you try to do things your own way, then the narcissist will take massive umbrage.

As far as the narcissist is concerned you need to pay for this with a level of maliciousness that certainly doesn’t match the supposed crime.

The narcissist’s punishment is inadvertent when the narcissist is simply going about the business of being a narcissist, which means nobody else figures in the equation. If there are a few corpses thrown into gutters along the way, so be it.

This means taking what is yours and using it to feed themselves. Everything is up for grabs, including your sanity, body, health, Life Force, time (months, years, decades), resources, money and contacts.

 

These 11 Signs Are Serious

I know that if you are dealing with a narcissist in your life, as you watch this episode, you will relate to so much of it. Because this is the stuff that all narcissists do!

These understandings quite possibly go much further than the usual criteria that the general public may know about, or even the psychological community talks about.

I believe it is crucial that you understand what you have really been going through.

Okay, so now the exciting part is you can get to the bottom of all of this, the really true answers regarding the level of narcissism that you are dealing with. Is it mild, is it moderate or is it really, really extreme?

As a result of taking this quick quiz, you will get your answer!

So all you need to do is go to this link and fill the quiz out, it’s really simple.

Then, after you complete this quiz, you will also receive my seven-day Narcissist Freedom Guide, which will come each day straight to your email.

This guide is cutting-edge information, tailored specifically for your situation, regarding whether you are dealing with an intimate partner, a family member or another type of narcissist, as well as the level of narcissism that you are dealing with.

It is some of my best information, condensed down into a powerful seven-day series.

This, including the quiz results, is all completely free and carries no obligation whatsoever. Please know that you can unsubscribe at any time.

I hope that you enjoyed this episode and that it has enlightened you a lot.

Okay so go to the quiz, it will only take you a couple of minutes. It’s going to give you much-needed clarity.

And, as always, I look forward to answering your comments and questions below.

 

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What It Is Really Like To Be Raised By A Narcissist

What It Is Really Like To Be Raised By A Narcissist

Narcissistic parents get a lot of bad press.  I myself have targeted them for criticism. And not without good reason.  Narcissists, by definition, lack some of the core qualities and characteristics needed to make a good parent.  But what is it really like to be raised by one?

 

One thing that narcissists lack is consistency so I am going to describe some of the experiences but it isn’t as black and white as them falling neatly into one category.  They can be all of them, sometimes within the space of a few minutes.

Disney Parent

 

Boundaries are like kryptonite to narcissists.  They repel them and so they stay as far away as possible from them.  Therefore children can be allowed to do whatever they want and are often spoiled rotten with material things, all in the guise of obtaining their allegiance.   If the other parent tells them they can’t have a new computer game because they aren’t old enough, the “disney parent” will buy it for them to stick two fingers up at their ex but also to ensure that the child likes them best and criticises their other parent.  It’s a tool used in parental alienation to great effect.  

 

Disney Parents will take them on amazing holidays, often multiple times a year, to keep them close and buy their children’s affections. Everything is a competition with their ex and the narcissist has no intention of losing.

disney parent

To the child, these things seem great at the time.  They feel in control, they get whatever they want and get to jet off and visit lovely new destinations.  The reality is though that children NEED boundaries. By giving them all they want and allowing them to set their own rules they aren’t creating a safe space for their children to grow up.  Children who aren’t given boundaries struggle with routine, authority and fitting in. They also can grow up to be narcissistic in their own behaviours because they believe they are entitled to get everything they ask for.  

Prison Officer Parent

The opposite of the Disney Parent is the Prison Officer Parent.  These parents rule with an iron fist. They have a “do as I say, not as I do” and “because I said so” mantra.  Children are kept on a tight leash and have very little freedom or independence. They have to ask permission to do anything, often down to the everyday things like choosing their lunch.  Mistakes are severely punished and children learn very quickly that “love” is conditional. Children are made to work extra hard to get their needs met and their allegiance is demanded at all times.  It is an environment based on fear. They will use humiliation and retribution to control their children and so shame becomes internalised for these children.  

Sadly for these children, they have very low self esteem and constantly live in fear.  They don’t have friends and are very fearful of making mistakes because they know they will be punished.  They desperately want to please though and so work so hard to do their best. In later life they will often end up in abusive relationships because they associate “love” with punishment and fear.  They are trauma bonded to this parent and will be enmeshed to them for fear of being seen as abandoning them or failing them.

Barely There Parent

I don’t necessarily mean physically barely there either. Barely There Parents can have full custody of their children but still be barely there for them.  They are inherently selfish and so only want the children to ensure their ex doesn’t have them, not because they actually want them. They will often palm them off onto other people at every given opportunity to pursue their own desires.  Even when they are at home, they aren’t interested in the children. They are neglectful in their care of them and children often grow up to be carers for their younger siblings and even the narcissist.

barely there parent

Children raised by Barely There Parents grow up feeling very unloved and unappreciated.  They learn that others are unreliable and so relationships are often abusive and explosive.  

As I stated, in my experience narcissistic parents can at times be all three but they will have a default parenting style.  They can also have different parenting styles for different children. For example, a Golden Child will have a Disney Parent experience most of the time whereas the Scapegoat is more likely to experience the Prison Officer and the lost child will experience the Barely There Parent.  However, the narcissist isn’t consistent and will make the children vie for their attention by rotating his “favourite” just enough so that none of them are sure where they stand and keep doing what the narcissist wants in order to get their needs met.

Long Term Impact

We know our early experiences shape us into who we are as adults and none more so than our relationship with our parents.  There are some common traits amongst adult children of narcissists:

  • They are people-pleaser and put themselves last – co-dependency is very common in children of narcissists.  They don’t know who they are without some to care for. 
  • They show signs of narcissism – narcissistic parents are very dominant within family structures and so a lot of their behaviours become “normal” for other family members.
  • They have difficult relationships with their siblings – narcissists pit people against one another for their own amusement and so as a child, siblings were seen as enemies not loved ones
  • Their relationship with their parent sometimes boardered on incenstuous – narcissists have no boundaries and so children can be promoted to surrogate spouses.  This can become sexual (although not in all cases) but is often emotional incent.
  • They are desperate to be liked or recognised as special – narcissistic children have a real fear of failure and so will push themselves in whatever area holds the most status for them (if being a wife/husband is the most important thing to them, they will want to be the best and become very distressed if the relationship develops problems)
  • They lack an identity – they struggle to know who they are and what they like without someone else telling them.  They are so used to being controlled by their parent and having their independence stifled that they struggle with basic decision making.

recovery

How to recover

 

The first step, as with any recovery process, is the acknowledgement of what has happened to you.  Understanding that your parent was a narcissist can initially feel like a huge relief because children of narcissists internalise everything as being their own fault (even children who grow up to be narcissists have deep rooted self loathing).  

 

Now you know, you have a choice about the relationship you want to have with your parent.  Although it has been drummed into you to be obedient and that you somehow owe them, you are entitled to be happy and if your relationship with your parent is negatively impacting your wellbeing, you have every right to go no contact.  This is not an easy decision though and will require you to look at boundary setting.

 

Inner child world is really valuable for children of narcissists because they essentially need re-parenting.  I recommend seeking out a counsellor who can understand to assist you with this work (I will be running some Inner Child Workshops in my Facebook Group which would be a good place to start).  Check out our One to One Support page for details of the support we can offer.

 

It is also likely that you suffer from PTSD or complex PTSD and so you may avoid situations which remind you of your childhood, have trouble with your memory and be hypervigilant to the possibility of threats.  Again there are treatment options available (discussed in our free download Recovering from PTSD and on our website)

 

We look at more ways to recover in our free download, Understanding Narcissistic Families)

 

Although I was not raised by narcissistic parents, I do write a lot about narcissistic parents and work with many who were either raised by one or are trying to co-parent with one so I feel well placed to write this post.  If you do have experience you wish to share, please do comment below.

The post What It Is Really Like To Be Raised By A Narcissist appeared first on The Nurturing Coach.

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Should You Warn People About The Narcissist?

Should You Warn People About The Narcissist?

 

It’s completely understandable why you would want to warn people about the narcissist. Because narcissists seem to keep getting away with it.

Innocent people get torn apart and hurt.

However, myself and so many people, have experienced that trying to warn other people just didn’t work.

It only made things even more traumatizing and devastating for us, and turned people, including family and friends and even authorities, against us.

 

 

Video Transcript

This is a very important question. So many people ask, “Should I warn this person about the narcissist?”

Those of us who have tried in the past have suffered some very poor results when doing this. I know that many of you would like to help other people so they do not go through what you have, especially people who you love.

However, this usually doesn’t turn out well.

In today’s Thriver TV episode, we investigate why warning people usually doesn’t work, and what you CAN do to help people leave and recover from narcissists.

Okay, so before we get started, thank you for subscribing to my channel and supporting the Thriver mission, which is the raising of awareness that it is possible to heal for real from narcissistic abuse, in a much shorter time frame than with contemporary processes.

Okay now let’s get started on today’s episode.

 

When You Are Traumatised Don’t Act

Most of us, when trying to warn somebody about the narcissist, were still very deeply entrenched in the trauma of what this person had done to us.

Like Bill. His wife Denise left him for Jeff, one of her work contacts. Denise had always been the “street angel, home devil”. This person had no idea what she was like behind closed doors.

Of course, Bill had been smeared to Jeff and Jeff believed Denise’s version of things. Bill, traumatised beyond measure, tried to get Jeff to understand what had happened and what Denise was really like – but it only made Bill look even more guilty of what Denise had portrayed him as.

I want you to know with all my heart that there is a very profound and absolute Quantum Law, and it is this: if you try to take any action from a place of being traumatised, the results of your actions are only ever going to bring you more trauma.

This Law of so within, so without is as absolute as gravity.

Think back through your life, and you will know that what I’m saying is completely and utterly true. Your real-life results are the proof.

This applies when we try to warn the new supply, our children, family and friends and even authorities.

This happened to me horrifically. The harder I tried to warn people and prove my own innocence the more his family, my family, my friends, colleagues and all legal and police associations completely believed that I was the problem.

Even my son believed him.

Of course, we want these people to know the truth. We want to stop the horrific smearing that is happening to us. We want to warn those who are being bewitched and mesmerized by the narcissist.

However, if you try to achieve this while you are still suffering from intense trauma, forget it. It only makes matters worse for you.

In fact, the narcissist will use your trauma against you, as the bullets to shoot you with.

 

Let Go of Your Dismay

Marie, like most of us before Thriver Healing, was distraught by how many people believed the narcissist and thought badly of her.

Her family was even still socially inviting the narcissist to functions!

The trauma was so horrific for Marie that she thought she was going to die.

She felt intense resentment and betrayal toward these people.

I promise you, even though you may feel justified in feeling this, you will be stuck in Wrong Town. There is no healing or resurrection of your life in this orientation.

It can be helpful to understand that narcissists are very skilled at appearing calm, cool and measured. In stark contrast, you are likely to be completely dishevelled and distraught and feel out of control.

Who appears to be more believable?

Narcissists are able to cross all boundaries and borders by lying about anything and everything that will suit their agenda. Normal adults have been conditioned to believe that when somebody looks you in the eyes and appears to be credible, that they are telling you the truth.

I remember some years ago a very dear friend of mine John was married to Grace. I started to discover that Grace was a deeply troubled woman and had quite a few narcissistic traits.

Yet, she told me stories about John that were so compelling that I started to believe them. This was even after I had become a global narcissistic abuse recovery expert!

One morning, whilst staying at their home, I overheard a conversation that Grace had with John. She later relayed a completely different version to me. It was then that I realised she had been lying to me all along, and I broke off all contact with her.

Why had I believed her instead of John? It was because I’m a normal human being who can still be susceptible to someone’s narcissistic Academy Award performance.

Don’t blame these people, it can happen to anybody!

 

The People Involved Are on a Soul Journey

Those of us who’ve been narcissistically abused and have actualised our Thriver Recovery understand a very deep truth.

This … the narcissist in our life smashed our unhealed wounds and insecurities up to the surface so that we could let go of them and turn inwards to self-partner to heal these parts of ourselves.

There, in a nutshell, within the healing of these wounds, is the gold of our personal evolution.

If we hadn’t done this, we would still be traumatised and diminished, living in mere survival stuck with all the abuse symptoms of ongoing PTSD, agoraphobia, diminished trust in self, life and others and all the other nasties that go with failed recoveries.

But, because we went through a very real healing journey, we are incredibly grateful to be not just released from narcissistic abuse, but also from all of our previous insecurities, limitations, anxieties and depression that were holding us back as a result of not yet being fully self-partnered.

Narcissistic abuse generated the grist that forced us to finally turn inside to do this essential inner work.

As such, this brings a completely different perspective regarding wanting to warn others. You know the truth now, that everyone who is hooked into a narcissist is also going through an incredible soul journey themselves.

They now have the opportunity to also heal and evolve those parts of themselves that are susceptible and being targeted and smashed up to the surface.

This I know with every ounce of my Being, if people are saved prematurely from this journey with a narcissist, they still have to meet up with another abuser in the future who will deliver the same agonising trauma.

Why? Because this is a soul contract. This is what this person’s soul and true Inner Being wants more than anything – for this person to give up trying to seek outer false sources to take away the pain, and come home to being self-partnered and healed within themself.

What soul wouldn’t want that?

There are no mistakes here.

How do you feel about what I just shared with you? I would love you to pause this video and write to me how this feels for you below.

 

The Most Powerful Thing You Can do to Help

I know that the most powerful thing that I can ever do regarding helping somebody who is with a narcissist, is to heal myself regarding how I “see” them.

If I see this person as a powerless victim, then I add to the Energetic Field, where we are all interconnected, regarding them being a powerless and helpless victim.

If I heal within myself how I see this person and reach the true knowing that they are an evolving being awakening to their own empowered and wholeness evolution, then I add to THAT reality occurring.

It is because of understanding all of this powerfully that my greatest mission is to hold the space for all of us, to awaken into the glory of this experience and exactly what our soul intends for us.

When I do this, for those whom I love and care about, I’ve experienced the sheer miracle, time and time again, of people rising up to claim this higher level of vibration.

Those of you who are NARP members I cannot recommend enough, for the people in your life who you love to do the healing on yourself regarding how you feel about it.

Heal that and then see the incredible results unfold.

So, to wrap up this episode, my total recommendation is not to try to warn people.

Rather, heal you and be the example who will change the world.

At the moment healing our world is very important because it is deeply in crisis. There is a greater need now more than ever for us to claim our personal solidness, peace and power for ourselves personally, and for those we love and our world.

Please know that my Quanta Freedom Healing programs are all home-based and backed with an incredible global support system that you have access to 24/7. This means that you don’t need to travel anywhere and that you can stay in the peace and sanctity of your own home while you deeply heal.

To find out more, please click this link.

And as always, I look forward to answering your comments and questions below.

 

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Why You Can’t Stop Sleeping With The Narcissist

Why You Can’t Stop Sleeping With The Narcissist

 

You may be shocked at how you keep chasing after the narcissist even when he or she is treating you so badly.

The verbal and emotional abuse could be escalating and there may even be threats or realities of other lovers.

You know that you should pull away and stop going back in for more, but you just can’t seem to stop yourself.

In today’s video, we look at exactly why this is happening to you. As well as how to heal from this and be released from this terrible nightmare that is ripping you to pieces.

 

 

Video Transcript

Sexual attraction and addiction are very powerful things. A narcissist knows how to trigger that within you.

It can be very hard to understand why you may be feeling the compulsion to keep having sex with a narcissist, even though he or she is treating you horribly.

How can relationships be so compelling horizontally, yet so painful vertically?

This is exactly what we are exploring in today’s TTV episode.

But before we get started, I’d just like to thank all of you for supporting the Thriver Mission by subscribing to my channel, and raising awareness that yes, we can now heal from narcissistic abuse for real.

Okay, now let’s get going on today’s episode.

 

What is Sexual Obsession?

Sexual obsession is fraught with anxiety. The easiest way to think about this is that the urges are similar to those of any addiction.

The feelings of going without the connection with this person and sex with them, may bring up feelings of loss, emptiness, anxiety and even panic.

All of these feelings are letting us know that we have emotionally entered Wrong Town, meaning that this experience is not a True Self one. Our soul communicates very effectively to us via our feelings, regarding what is healthy or not.

Healthy union brings calm, solid and serene feelings of warmth and love. These are not the emotionally charged highs and lows that come with sexual relations with a narcissist.

One minute you are feeling the hope of being worthy and adored. The next you’re feeling anxious, insecure and abandoned.

I really want you to understand that connection and sexual activity with a narcissist, if intensely compelling, is an addiction cycle. As with all addictions, this comes with the high of the emptiness and the craving being fulfilled. It’s otherwise known as “relief”.

This is akin to a person who is nicotine addicted, craving a cigarette, and then as soon as they draw in the first mouthful of smoke, there is the self-medication of escaping the anxious feelings of not having nicotine.

Yet, truly, as myself and so many other people who were able to give up smoking with NARP processes discovered, there was something much deeper going on emotionally than just nicotine addiction.

Smoking was really an act of trying to fill up and numb out an emotional trauma that wasn’t yet healed.

And it doesn’t work. If we don’t get to the bottom of why we are emotionally craving something that is not good for us, temporary fleeting relief happens when we connect to it, yet the anxiety is never truly fulfilled and healed.

It is always going to keep coming back, much worse than ever.

Sex with a narcissist is the same.

 

The Narcissist – The Representative of the Unhealed Wound

All addictions have this incredibly insidious cycle, they feel like they are granting us relief, yet they are bringing us more of the same of what we actually need the relief from.

How do you know if you are stuck in this cycle? You know when you are feeling dire emptiness and anxieties when you are going without sex with this person.

Jeannie craved Gary and his touch and lovemaking. If Gary hadn’t contacted her for a few days, professing that he was out of town, Jeannie could barely function.

She believed that this must be proof of her intense feelings of love for him.

It wasn’t until she found out that he had been having affairs all along and then confronted him, that she discovered it was as if she never existed for him.

After feeling beyond broken, Jeannie decided to give NARP healing a go.

In her new healed up Thriver life Jeannie is now with Mark enjoying safe, comfortable and healthy sex. There is zero anxiety when she is not with him.

As Jeannie said, “Until I healed I had no idea what healthy sex was!”

In Jeannie’s previous life, as it was for me and so many of us, we were connected emotionally and sexually to the people who completely and utterly represented our unhealed inner trauma programming.

Let me explain.

Let’s say that you were brought up in a family with a parent who was unavailable to love you. They were too busy and stuck in their own stuff and ignored you.

As a young child you desired connection with them. You may have tried all sorts of things to be noticed, held and loved, to little or no avail.

Your Inner Love Code, since you were a young child consisted of, “the people I love ignore me.” This then becomes, “I am not valuable or worthy of love.” This then means that you will unconsciously try to prove yourself and earn love regardless of how people love you back.

As your now programmed Love Code, this represents the people who are attractive to you. The people who you feel the most chemically bonded to fulfil the prophecy of that belief.

It’s your Love Code. It’s your literal Inner Identity in regard to love.

Sex as an adult represents that unmet and unhealed need for connection as a child. The younger part of you seeking resurrection and healing is hooked on wanting the original role models to do it better this time, and choosing the same unavailable people and program over and over again.

 

When the Sex Feels so Good

Maybe the sex isn’t that great, however you feel like this is the best sex of your life.

The more chemically charged it is, and trauma bonded, the more heightened the sexual experience can be.

Again think “relief”. The union of sex takes away the agony of separation from it, which really means the separation from being loved and feeling worthy.

Sexual connection with a narcissist is such a powerful bond, that can be incredibly confusing and painful.

It usually ends in disaster, because the cycles of devaluing and discarding inevitably get worse. To add horror to injury, often the narcissist will throw other sexual partners into the mix, leaving you feeling even more devastatingly replaced and abandoned.

Why is all of this happening? To awaken you to understand what is really going on, and why you can’t stop getting into bed with a narcissist, even when it means selling your soul out and compromising your dignity.

Penny had the horrific experience of throwing herself sexually at her narcissistic ex-lover, to try to avoid being replaced and abandoned.

Never before had she lowered her values and standards so much as to offer herself sexually on a plate to him no matter how badly he treated her.

Things got so bad for Penny that she really thought that if she didn’t stop doing this to herself that she would die – that is how serious it was.

(Please know Penny is not alone, you may know exactly what I’m talking about.)

Penny was urged by other members of this community to start doing the NARP work to get to the bottom of why she had lost all her honour, dignity and rights and was behaving in this way.

Thank goodness Penny stopped pursuing him and turned inwards to start her healing. It saved her life.

What she discovered was the young hurt parts of herself that had experienced her father emotionally abandoning her mother, herself and her siblings, and her mother’s pain, devastation and emotional absence as a result.

Penny had literal inner emotional terrors about being abandoned, which had never been healed. Unconsciously the lure of herself sexually was her tool to try to ensure this wouldn’t happen again.

Penny got to the inner work and down to the business of doing NARP Module One over and over again to clear out all of that old trauma.

She experienced profound relief. She stopped thinking about her ex-lover and all urges dissolved away. Because she had resurrected her Inner Being to be a mature healthy woman, instead of a traumatised little girl, Penny felt repulsed by the thought of contacting him again.

The spell was broken.

I really urge you, if you are suffering from sexual compulsion with a narcissist, to feel into your life in the past.

Does this person invalidate you and abuse you in ways that are familiar to you? Is this person distrusting of you in ways that remind you of how you were distrusted, and your boundaries were violated in the past?

Do you again feel like you’re having to prove your worth and value in order to be loved?

If you don’t know what exactly it is that you need to heal, please rest assured that if you do become a NARP member, that NARP bypasses your logical mind and takes you deeply inside yourself to find, release and reprogram the exact trauma that you need to heal.

You don’t have to work it out!

 

Your Sexual True Self and True Life

I have no doubt that great sex, otherwise known as ‘making love’, is the highest expression of Heaven on Earth. This is when two people can melt into each other in total surrender, becoming an explosion of joy and bliss infinite times greater than the individual parts of themselves.

There is an opportunity – within orgasmic conjoining – to know the true meaning of ‘Oneness’.

This Oneness is true “in-to-me-see”, the ability to completely be ourselves and “naked” with another.

This takes inner healing and development. It requires the willingness to face our unhealed previous business and heal it.

Maybe we have been trying to get love and connection in all the wrong ways.

Maybe we are trying to be the “incredible lover” so we can keep this person from really knowing our fears, our inadequacies, and the parts of ourselves we feel they will reject if they did find them out.

I know that this is really confronting stuff. I also know the glory of breaking through from all of the illusions and obsessions regarding narcissistic love, to get to the other side.

Namely, real, calm, loving and supported lovemaking with somebody who you can be truly naked with.

As well as a durably sustainable relationship with somebody who you can trust and build a life with.

The narcissist is never going to be this person.

If you are ready to embrace the healing and development necessary to get to this level then I’d love to help you.

You can start this journey today by clicking this link.

And please know, with what’s going on in the world right now, with coronavirus, with all of my programs and healing, you don’t need to leave your house.

You don’t need to go to any physical groups and you don’t need to travel to therapists.

You can do profound and revolutionary healing in the comfort and safety of your own home. And you are also connected to an incredible Thriver Healing global support network that has your back at any time when you need help.

Okay, so I hope that this episode has really helped you, and I can’t wait to answer your comments and your questions below.

 

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narcissist

How to Handle a Narcissist: My Top 3 Tips For Keeping Your Cool

narcissist

 

Each one of us has had to deal with a narcissist at some point or another.  Whether it was an ex, a boss, or a family member, dealing with a narcissist can be challenging and exhausting as all hell!

I get asked a lot, “How do I deal with someone that has to win at all costs?” Well, this is the million-dollar question in high conflict divorce cases.

Narcissists have this remarkable ability to make you feel like you are the crazy one like you are wrong for thinking the way you think, and for feeling the way you feel. It’s as if they have this superpower, a gift that plants doubt inside you that makes you second guess your choices.

How do they do it?!

Let me first paint a picture of who you are dealing with here. These are some common characteristics that define a narcissist.:

  • Narcissists are ego-driven (meaning everything they do is to feed their ego)
  • The need to win is a top priority
  • They have to be right at all costs
  • They need to be superior
  • Their worth is tied to their achievements
  • They need to control others in order to support the outcome they desire. They need to be seen as “the good guy/girl”
  • They don’t think the rules apply to them
  • They think they know more about the law than their own lawyer

Do any of these ring true? If so, you may be dealing with a narcissist.

Here are my tips on how to handle a narcissist:

Don’t fight back!

You already know that you will never win, and you will never get them to empathize with your point of view.  So why do you keep fighting it? If they say the sky is red, then let it be red.  Narcissists thrive on anyone that supplies them with the drugs they need, and that drug is “being right.”  You will keep spinning in the hamster wheel of getting nowhere with someone that will never say to you, “You know what Amy, you are right, I didn’t see things your way.” And continuing to fight will only mirror more of what you don’t want, which is a narcissist in your face.

Let go of any expectations.

What do I mean by this? I realize some of you have no choice but to deal with a narcissist, so going radio silent on them may not be a viable option.  If you have no choice other than to deal with this person, then having expectations will be the death of your sanity. Hopes that they will do the right thing, that they care about your best interest (or the interest of anyone other than themselves for that matter), or that they can carry a conversation that doesn’t have their own selfish needs at the top of their mind–IT’S NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN!

Remember who you are and what you value.

It’s easy to get sucked into a vicious cycle of crazy when you are dealing with a narcissist. You feel like you are continually having to defend yourself and prove yourself to everyone.  You may continuously be defending who you are as a mother, as a partner, and as a daughter and friend.

Why are you defending yourself? Because a part of you may be feeling that they are right, or that you need to prove your self-worth.  You don’t need to prove yourself to anyone.  You are worthy just as you are, and anyone that doesn’t see it, well, they don’t belong in your life.

You need to remember what it is you value.  Do you value peace and harmony? Do you value love and acceptance? Do you value REAL connection? If so, then put the gloves down, and understand that nobody can take your self-worth away.

If what you fight against you get more of, then getting in the rink with a narcissist will only get you more blows to the face. Narcissists need people to inflate their egos, so if you cut the supply, they will find another victim to feed on.  Take the path of least resistance, and surround yourself with people that love and support you, with people that know your worth.

If you find yourself in what feels like an impossible situation with a narcissist, please take advantage of a complimentary session with me.  I would love to see how I may help you navigate through this challenging situation.

Here is the link:  mailchi.mp/efa3cb1f474d/complimentary-session

The post How to Handle a Narcissist: My Top 3 Tips For Keeping Your Cool appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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when leaving a narcissist

5 Mistakes I Made When Leaving a Narcissist & How You Can Avoid Them

when leaving a narcissist

 

Whatever mistakes, miscalculations, or bad decisions there are to be made in leaving a narcissist, I made them.

After sixteen years with a man whom I’d built a life with, had children with, and thought I knew, I made the naïve assumption that I could predict what ending our life together and getting divorced would look like. I counted on his promises of the past to stay true in the future.

Even during the last few years of the marriage when I had to deal more with the evil Mr. Hyde than the good Dr. Jekyll, even after uncovering his double life that revealed his predatory nature for girls less than half his age, I still relied on our shared history as a couple to see me through.

My greatest error arose from my inability to wrap my head around the fact that there are people in this world who lack any sense of empathy, decency, or integrity, and who will stand back with a smirk on their face, holding a bucket of water that they have no intention of using while watching those who love them the most burn in pain.

Believing this to be an exaggeration and that no one could possibly be guilty of purposely inflicting pain on their own loved ones is the first mistake I made. Then it was a downward spiral of my shattered expectations as I learned the hard way that, yes, there are people in this world who will not only smile as they watch you fall and suffer, but will spin the story to such a point that they’ll say you deserved it.

Those people are called narcissists.

And if you’re involved with one, wanting to leave or in the process of leaving one, here are the top five mistakes to avoid. Doing so certainly won’t erase the pain of separation or divorce but will definitely lessen it if your eyes are wide open since then you won’t risk the heartbreak from bombshells that every narcissist is capable of dropping.

5 Mistakes I Made When Leaving a Narcissist

Mistake #1: Believing a narcissist will be a good person and play fair

Every phone call, every email I got from my attorney left me in a state of shock and awe upon hearing what my ex was attempting to get away with or accusing me of. Since I believed what my ex told me prior to filing for divorce, such as that he would make sure our kids and I would be taken care of financially and I wouldn’t have to worry, each realization of what he was actually up to left me reeling as if I’d been sucker-punched that landed me on the floor, of which I couldn’t get up from during the entire divorce process.

How to avoid my mistake?

See them for who they really are and not who you always wanted them to be. Drop the illusions you still carry, such as that they’ll change or they’d never hurt you. No need to be cynical, but crucial to be prepared. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst.

Mistake #2: Choosing any lawyer to represent you

Because of the fragile emotional state I was in at the time and my desperation to get the divorce over with, I did not vet my lawyer. I did not ask any questions and trusted that he would do a good job of representing me. I assumed (because he was a lawyer) that he would know the difference between fair and unfair, that he would hold my ex accountable in disclosing assets, and would advocate for me and my children to his best ability.

My lawyer always talked a big game when we were planning how to respond to my ex’s obvious skirting of the law and the abuse he still inflicted (such as cyberstalking me, stealing my identity, and hacking into my emails), then at the last minute would pull away from any previous plan and encourage me to settle.

His strategy-switching gave me whiplash. And it always coincided with running through another big retainer I’d paid, which disappeared quickly when I was being charged even if I only spoke to his legal secretary for two minutes on the phone (she called once to ask my address, which I gave and then we hung up, for which I was charged a quarter-hour of my attorney’s rate: $75).

How to avoid my mistake?

Interview attorneys. Ask them if they have experience in high-conflict divorces with abusive personalities. Ask them if they know how a narcissist operates. Go with your gut and don’t be pressured into hiring a lawyer you don’t feel completely safe with or whose methods you question. Remember, a lawyer has the ability to make or break you in a divorce. Make sure you choose wisely.

Mistake #3: Letting your emotions make decisions for you

It is a fact that women tend to look at divorce from an emotional perspective. And why wouldn’t we? When we’re heartbroken or disillusioned or escaping abuse, we can’t help but be emotional about our lives as we knew them ending, sometimes going down in a huge ball of flames. However, in general, men look at divorce from a business standpoint and remove emotion from the process (not all men, of course).

And men who are true narcissists take it even further – to them, it’s war. You’re the enemy. And therefore, you must be defeated. Because I couldn’t help but be overwhelmed by my pain, and unable to truly begin any healing process while still in the midst of the divorce, I couldn’t make those important decisions for my future since I was unable to see even the day after the next through my tears. Meanwhile, a narcissist lacking any empathy or compassion, to begin with, will exploit the weakness of another and chalk it up to the necessities of war.

How to avoid my mistake?

Given the fact that most men, especially fathers, come out far better off financially after divorce than women, who tend to see their incomes drop by over a third, it’s imperative that those emotions are put aside for the time it takes to legally separate. Cry, cuss, and rage all you want (if only I had a dollar for every f-bomb I dropped during my divorce) but leave your heart out of it and use only your mind when figuring out those details that will determine how you’ll fare long after those divorce papers are signed.

Mistake #4: Giving in and saying Uncle when you’re too tired to go on

Narcissists are like wolves (no offense to actual wolves who act only out of instinct and not out of any innate desire to persecute those who do them wrong). Their success depends on their ability to exhaust you and wear you down to the point where you stop running, lose your strength, and eventually surrender.

Because I didn’t have a good lawyer to encourage me not to waive my rights or what I was entitled to, I quickly became so drained that I lost all my nerve and gusto to stand up for myself. I gave up and gave in, and because of that I’m still experiencing the effects financially all these years later.

How to avoid my mistake?

Understand that a narcissist is trying to wear you down on purpose so that you’ll give up and give in. Trust me when I say that once you’ve recovered and regained your strength later down the line, you’ll regret it if you do throw your hands up during the divorce and give up in any way whatsoever.

Mistake #5: Underestimating how low a narcissist will go.

Check. Double check. I underestimated my ex to such an extent that I paid for it severely not only with my financial well-being but my emotional health as well since every time I was knocked to the ground by the things he would say or do, eventually I just stayed there huddled up in a ball waiting for the next blow.

How to avoid my mistake?

Think of the lowest possible thing that someone could do to another. Got it in your head? Good, because a narcissist will go lower. So brace yourself and gird those loins for this moment to come.

I wish I could tell you that today I have zero regrets for the mistakes I made when I left (escaped is more like it) and filed for divorce from a narcissist. However, since I’m still paying for those mistakes today it’s hard to not beat myself up every so often.

But then I remind myself lovingly and patiently that I didn’t know. I barely knew anything about narcissists at the time let alone what divorcing one would be like. And I didn’t know how to choose a lawyer. Nor did I feel empowered to stand up for me after so many years of being emotionally beaten down. So when I start kicking my own ass about “what I should have done instead,” I remind myself how far I’ve come despite all the difficulty and trauma of my past.

As Michelangelo said at the ripe old age of 87, “I am still learning.”

And I hope by sharing my own lessons, you are still learning too.

The post 5 Mistakes I Made When Leaving a Narcissist & How You Can Avoid Them appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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How the narcissist will use the corona virus to their advantage

How the narcissist will use the corona virus to their advantage

At the time of writing this (10th March 2020), the corona virus is on the edge of becoming a global pandemic.  We have individuals stockpiling toilet roll and hand gel. COBR (Cabinet Office Briefing Rooms) meetings here in the UK are issuing guidance almost on a weekly basis and it’s overtaken Brexit as the most talked about thing in 2020.

 

Whilst this is a serious health concern (and potentially economic one) I wanted to look at how the narcissist will use this to their advantage because, let’s face it, they love drama and this is fast becoming a Hollywood film plot.

 

Be the hero

 

Narcissists have two public persona’s – hero or victim.

 

We will look at the victim role in a moment but firstly let’s see how they can be the hero.

 

Despite the guidance currently being issued, the narcissist will be pulling the “it’s not safe for the children to come to contact” or “the children are anxious about catching the virus so they would prefer to stay here” cards.  So where do you stand on this?

 

Most parenting plans have some clause about illness but this is a unique situation.  The reality is that experts do not know enough about how it is spread therefore how best to protect the public and so the guidance is to wash your hands and reduce up close and personal interactions with the public.  

 

You are not the public.  And schools are still open.  So there should be no excuse for you not seeing your children.  Unless you have actually been confirmed as having corona virus, you are safe to interact with your children.

 

Also, children are the lowest risk because their immune systems are better than most adults, so they are safer than the majority of us!

 

Many of them will suddenly become the expert.  They know best. They will be able to tell you everything you need to know and have more insider knowledge than the CDC.  At work they may take on the role of “information distributor” which gives them power of who and what they tell. This is all in an effort to feel important.  

Be the victim

 

The covert narcissist loves nothing more than to be centre of attention and getting lots of sympathy.  The corona virus gives them the opportunity to post on Facebook about being “really worried as they feel terrible” or “can’t stop coughing, what should I do?”

 

All to illicit a wealth of “take care of yourself”/“hope you are ok” comments.  

 

At present there are 373 confirmed cases in the UK (numbers are rising by the hour) out of almost 30,000 people who have been tested.  The most at risk groups are the elderly and those with weak immune systems.  

 

I am not saying that narcissists won’t catch it but at the moment, the likelihood is, that they haven’t got it.  

 

Corona virus is scary and I have written this blog not to undermine that but rather to highlight how narcissists use and abuse such situations to their advantage.

 

What do you think?

The post How the narcissist will use the corona virus to their advantage appeared first on The Nurturing Coach.

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FEMALE NARCISSIST

CO-PARENTING WITH A NARCISSIST – 13 STRATEGIES TO HELP YOU DEAL WITH A FEMALE NARCISSIST

Truth is that you can’t co-parent with a narcissist.  But that would be a ridiculously short post so instead we are going to look at some practical steps you can take to make the fact that you have a narcissistic ex a little bit easier for you and the children.

I have chosen to write this post about female narcissists.  Mainly because it is a hugely under talked about subject but one that is a very real problem.  Almost all my clients have identified that their mothers were narcissistic and that it has had huge implications for them growing up and into adulthood.  That means that there are a lot of fathers out there attempting to co-parent with a narcissist.  

Whilst I appreciate that there are plenty of narcissistic fathers out there as well, I feel that there is already a plethora of information out there for mums (Scary Mommy and The Good Men Project have great articles on this).

Female narcissists can cause just as much damage to their children but they have the added weight of societal views about mothers and domestic abuse on their side.  Although there has been a lot of work done in the past decade about father’s rights and equal parenting, the truth is that most people still assume that mothers are the primary caregivers.  Whilst I am not wishing to write off the important role of mothers or deny that many more women than men are primary caregivers, I do think that parenting roles have changed and we now have legislation which reflects that in some measure (parental leave for new fathers for example) so it’s important we also talk about the darker side of females as well.  

There is lots spoken about toxic masculinity but toxic femininity and toxic females exist too. I think it is very dangerous to label one sex all good and the other all bad.  In fact that kind of black and white thinking is a trait of narcissism. I prefer to believe that we are all capable of good and bad acts, just as we are all capable of being victim or abuser. Without going too much into a nature nurture debate, science has long since demonstrated that our behaviours are as much, if not more, the result of our experiences than our biology.  In other words, what we have between our legs does not dictate who we are and how we behave. This is where the importance of nurture, and in particular parenting, becomes even more obvious.

But firstly, let’s get to know what we are dealing with.

Female Narcissists

Thought Catalog have written a really great piece on female narcissists so I am going to borrow their five characteristics of a female narcissist:

  1. A sadistic sense of pleasure at someone else’s pain.

Perhaps one of the most understated qualities of the female malignant narcissist is the pleasure and joy she takes in bringing down others. She enjoys making covert jabs and watching gleefully as the formerly confident victim looks crestfallen, shocked and offended. She displays a lack of empathy when the conversation turns to more serious emotional matters, engaging in shallow responses or cruel reprimands that invalidate her victim’s reality.

She is ruthless in her ability to first idealise, then devalue and discard her victims without a second thought. She cannot engage in healthy, emotionally fulfilling relationships, so she enjoys sabotaging the relationships and friendships of others for her own personal entertainment.

  1. An insatiable sense of competitiveness, due to pathological envy and the need to be the centre of attention.

They have to win.  At all costs. They will either be overt and play the hero.  Or covert and present as a fragile victim, utilising all her womanly wiles to win over sympathy in order to achieve her goal.  Usually of putting someone else down or punishing them.

As psychotherapist Christine Louis de Canonville puts it, “When it comes to envy, there is no one more envious than the narcissistic woman.”

  1. She sabotages your friendships and relationships, stirring chaos within social groups.

The female narcissist may use her affiliation with her target to gain access to resources or status, but as soon as the idealisation phase is over, the devaluation and discard follows. She then engages in rumour-mongering, smear campaigns and creates ‘triangles’ where she feeds others false or humiliating information about the victim. She may pit her friends against each other by claiming that they are gossiping about one another, when in fact, it is her falsehoods that are actually manufacturing conflict within the group. By subjecting her victims to covert and overt put-downs, she is able to then confirm her own false sense of superiority.

You are probably dealing with a female narcissist or sociopath if:

  • You notice an uncomfortable silence, a covert exchange of looks or odd energy when you enter the room. 
  • You were initially idealised, sweet-talked, admired, praised and shown off at the beginning of the relationship. You might have found yourself sharing your most intimate secrets early on, due to her disarmingly sweet and trustworthy demeanour. Later, you find your deepest secrets being spoken about with derision amongst friends or family or rumours based on vulnerabilities and fears you confided in them about. You also notice a chilling smugness when they talk down to you or as she devalues your accomplishments.
  • You bear witness to the narcissist frequently speaking ill of others in an excessively contemptuous tone, while appearing friendly and engaging with them in public. This is evidence of her duplicity and ability to deceive. An authentic person might vent about others occasionally in the event of stress or conflict, but would not engage in excessive gossip or indiscriminate character assassination. He or she would be more likely to cut ties with those they thought were toxic or address it to them directly rather than bashing them unnecessarily. Make no mistake, the way they’re speaking about others is the way they’ll eventually speak about you.
  1. She has an obsession with her appearance as well as a high level of materialism and superficiality. 

FEMALE NARCISSIST

Female narcissists fit the ‘femme fatale’ stereotype quite well. Many of them are conventionally attractive and use their sexuality to their advantage. Since females in our society are also socialised to objectify themselves, the female narcissist follows this social norm to use whatever physical assets she has to assert her power.

Hammond (2015) also observes female narcissists tend to excessively spend money. This may result in a highly materialistic female narcissist who enjoys adorning herself with the best designer clothing, indulging in luxuries at the expense of her loved ones or allowing herself to be excessively catered to by a wealthy significant other. Female narcissists can also accumulate their own wealth and use it as an indication of her superiority as well.

  1. A blatant disregard for the boundaries of intimate relationships, including her own.

In keeping with typical narcissistic behavior regardless of gender, the female narcissist is likely to have a harem of admirers – consisting of exes that never seem to go away, admirers who always seem to lurk in the background and complete strangers she ensnares into her web to evoke jealousy in her romantic partner. She frequently creates love triangles with her significant other and other males (or females, depending on her sexual orientation). She rejoices in male attention and boasts about being the object of desire. She engages in emotional and/or physical infidelity, usually without remorse and with plenty of gaslighting and deception directed at her partner, who usually dotes on her and spoils her, unaware of the extent of her disloyalty.

Delightful folks aren’t they!

If you are having to co-parent with one though, you have experienced all of this.  You understand their manipulative ways and have seen first hand how they can cut people off in a truly heartless manner. You got out of that drama. But your kids can’t do that.  And so you have to find a way to deal with them.

13 Ways To Co-Parent With A Narcissist

  • Accept that you can’t co-parent with them
    Co-parenting implies co-operation, communication and collaboration.  Not going to happen. They have to be seen as superior so they will make all decisions, withhold information and keep you shut out.  Parents evenings will be separate, and no doubt she will have told the school that she doesn’t feel safe being around you. You won’t find out if they are ill unless of course it is as an excuse to stop contact. 

We were regularly told the children were ill so couldn’t come.  In fact it happened so often I questioned whether she was poisoning them!

It also requires both parties to see the other as valid and relevant.  The narcissist does not see you as valid or relevant. You are the proverbial shit on their shoe that they want to get rid of. Your opinion doesn’t count as you don’t count. 

The narcissist went out and pierced the baby’s (and I do mean baby, they were only about a year old) despite the dad voicing that he didn’t want them to have their ears pierced because it was cruel.  Didn’t matter. It was what she wanted.

  • Be realistic with your expectations
    Your ex is not going to change.  She has developed a very sophisticated system for how she deals with people and in particular people who she deems below her or of no use to her.  She simply cuts them off. This works for her so she has no motivation to change.

    The frustration at wanting her to be different lead to arguments between me and my partner and actually, in hindsight cost us our relationship because I was so fixated on her.

    However, this does not mean that your situation cannot change.  You have full control over yourself and how you respond to what is going on.  When she attempts to bait you into an argument in front of witnesses so she can “prove” what a monster you are, you can choose whether or not to bite.  Learning how to manage your own responses takes time and awareness of what your triggers are though so you must be prepared to do the work. Once you grasp it though, your ex has no power over you which right royally pisses them off.

    Whenever she would confront me to try to intimidate me, I would always be super kind and smile.  I wanted to growl really but being able to control my own response really irritated her.  And that, in all honesty, bought me some joy.
  • Understand that everything is about control and punishment
    You are child focused.  You always have been. You didn’t want to argue in front of the kids and so you let things slide.  You let her get her own way so as not to cause distress to the children. She on the other hand used that to control you and things are no different now.  She may act like she is mother of the year but the truth is everything is about her agenda.

    Again, you need to accept that this is who she is.  No amount of reason or logic or pulling at her heart strings is going to get her to put the children first. She knows full well that controlling your access and therefore your relationship with your children is the best way to punish you for whatever wrong she believes you have committed.  When you stop wasting your energy on trying to get her to understand, you can begin to make decisions and take action on getting what you want.
  • Go direct to the source
    The ex won’t share any information with you about your children and if you ask her, you may find yourself slapped with a non-molestation order.  Who knew that wanting to find out about your own children (which you have a legal right to) was a crime? Ironic right.  They are breaking the law in preventing you from having your parental rights but you get labelled the criminal for wanting to exercise them.

    I strongly suggest you speak direct to the source (GP, school, nursery etc) and ask them to copy you in on all correspondence.  Take a copy of the court order if you have one which will show there are no restrictions in you having access to this information.  I also recommend communicating by email in the first instance so that you have a paper trail and you can’t get accused of being a bully. Most of the people involved in your children’s lives have been fed the same lines about you being controlling, aggressive, abusive and unsafe.  I have seen it happen time and time again when father’s go into the school to ask for up to date records for their children, they are stonewalled by people who have believed the lies which is frustrating and so they exert their rights a bit more forcefully and before you know it, you have another person and a professional backing up mum’s side of the story.  Email or old fashioned snail mail is the best way to avoid this.
  • Everything you say, can and will be used as evidence against you
    This is one of the hardest truths to accept but nevertheless it is true.  You are not an equal parent. The ex has successfully managed to completely distort your relationship with your children. In two ways.  Firstly, she will rule by fear and so they know who to obey and who is in charge. Just as you did in the relationship. They have seen the consequences of disagreeing with her and so they go along with everything she says.  This means they have to treat you with the same disrespect and contempt as she does. They don’t believe it but when you practice something enough times it becomes a habit. This leads to the second way she distorts the relationship which is by taking away any parental power you have to discipline your child.  So when they are being disrespectful to you, you have every right to tell them they are not allowed to talk to you that way. You wouldn’t accept it from anyone else so why from your children. What your ex then does is illicit that criticism from the children and convince them that you are abusive because of how you spoke to them.  “He used to speak to me the same way, you poor thing. What a monster he is!” It makes it almost impossible for you to parent at all.  If you want to understand more about this dynamic I recommend grabbing a copy of our free ebook The Painful Truth About Narcissistic Families.

    However, the important thing to remember is that a parent is many things.  The most important being the one person who unconditionally loves their children, no matter what they do and so even if they do disrespect you and reject you, you will always love them.  And deep down they know that. It’s part of why they know they can do it. They feel secure in your love for them. So although it is painful, try to remember that your love for them and theirs for you is strong.  Hold onto that, despite all that might happen.
  • Develop some family rules
    Another way to deal with the disrespect is to share the responsibility for how you want your relationship to look like with the children.  Family meetings and rules decided by everyone in the family can be a really good way for you to manage behaviour. All children know right from wrong.  They feel guilty when they are naughty. And being unkind to you makes them feel very uncomfortable, even if it doesn’t seem like it.

    Create a vision together of family life and ask them how they can contribute to it looking like that.  Obviously they may exhibit some resistance to this and say things like “I wish I didn’t have to come here” or “I want to be with mum” but try to persevere. Ask them why they don’t want to come here, what could you do to help make it better. 
  • Lashings of praise
    Your ex will rule with extremes – severe punishment (rage or the silent treatment) or extravagant rewards (puppies or favourite toys) which can be really powerful in getting children to do exactly what they want.  I have heard a story where a mother, the day before a child was due to go to contact with their father, bought a brand new puppy. I mean who would want to leave a new puppy? Whilst this looks amazing to the child on the surface, what all children really want is love, affection and attention and narcissists simply aren’t capable of providing any of those things.  You know that. You have felt the coldness.

    Positive reinforcement (also known as positive stokes) in the form of praise, hugs and pride is however, much more powerful.  You know the look of joy on your child’s face when you tell them they have done really well and you are proud of them, and then you tell them to ring grandma and tell her.  They are beaming! And children want more of that so giving lots of praise for all the good stuff you see not only boosts their self esteem but it also helps nurture your bond with your child.

    I do recognise that narcissists will give praise when the children do what they want and they use that to encourage them to reject you.  However, narcissists are inconsistent and so children never really know where they stand with them. What pleased them one day isn’t good enough the next.  Being consistent with your praise provides the child with the security they need.
  • Teach rather than tell
    You are your children’s role model.  They learn from all that they see, hear and watch you do.  This is probably why you ended the relationship, because you didn’t want your children to grow up thinking it was normal.  You can use this to help them develop the characteristics and skills you want them to have growing up. It will also help them to manage their own relationship with the narcissist.

    Think about what you want for your child.  Most parents want their children to be kind, happy, loved and successful.  Are you all of those things? How are you able to model them? When they misbehave, show them the behaviour you want rather than point out what they have done wrong.

    I always remember the scene in Jaws when Brody’s son is mirroring all his actions back to him.  Think about what your child is mirroring to you and vice versa.
  • Accept them for all that they are
    The reality is that your child will mirror back to you parts of your ex and this can be really hard to witness.  You may find yourself retriggered and taken back to a situation with your ex. Having her there, in your house, but in a smaller version, can be very upsetting.  And can have an impact on not only how you respond to your child but also how you feel about them. I have heard many parents honestly admit that sometimes, when their child reminds them of their ex, in that moment, they don’t like them.  That might feel really uncomfortable but it’s quite normal and natural. Your child will take after your ex. They may even look like her. No-one expects you to just forget about all the shit they put you through.

    However, it is important that you learn to accept those parts of your child.  Being aware when they remind you of your ex can help you to manage your feelings.  And remember that your child is not your ex.

    My step-daughter reminded me so much of the narcissist.  She had the same look sometimes and I felt my stomach go but just that awareness of that feeling was enough to pull me back into the room and stay with this innocent little girl sat in front of me who was so much more than her DNA.
  • Get to grips with your ex
    Something else it is important for you to model to your children, is how to deal with the ex.  You no longer live with her so you have the space to recover but your children don’t have that opportunity except when they are with you.  They are immersed in her world. The time with you is your chance to teach them the skills which got you through it. You needed resilience, self love, self control, a strong self image, support, determination and courage.  When your ex tries to push your buttons, you have an opportunity to show your children how to use self control and be strong in knowing who you are and how you behave. They will learn so much from that. They are looking to you all the time for help with this. 

    If you don’t yet feel confident in managing your ex and yourself around them, I strongly recommend getting some support to bolster up those skills.
  • Remove the drama
    Your life with the narcissist was full of drama and chaos because that is the environment the narcissist loves to create.  They can control others when they are disorientated by the chaos. Now you are away from that, you can focus on creating a peaceful environment, not just for you but for the children as well.  Children get carried away and lost in drama, it impacts their development, self esteem and academic achievement. On the opposite side of that, they thrive in a loving, nurturing, safe and calm environment. 

    Take a good look at your life and your friends and family.  Are they always caught up in the next drama or do they live a quiet and happy life?  Remove as much of the drama as you can. It will help with your recovery and create a safe haven for your children.  Like a lighthouse in the storm.
  • If you have to go to court, be prepared
    The reality is, if you have children with a narcissist you WILL have to go to court.  They want to punish you and what better way that by using the children. They will start by gatekeeping the contact, dictating the rules as to when and where you can see them.  They will begin to cut you out of all areas of their lives: school, after school clubs, your family. Finally they will manipulate the children to reject you (check out our comprehensive guide to How Parental Alienation Is Hurting Your Children to find out more about how this happens).

    It means if you want a relationship with your child, you have to go through Family Court which can perpetuate the abuse.  Every man and his dog will be drawn into the drama, claiming they saw you do x, y and z. Lies will become facts and those trained to protect children, will assist your ex is abusing them.  Narcissists love court because they have developed a false self designed to dupe and manipulate others. They love the performance in the court arena. You on the other hand just want to get on with your life and have a loving relationship with your children.  Claims of domestic abuse will appear and they will be granted legal aid so that they can use as many delay tactics as they like to keep up this charade. All in the hope of wearing you down so you just disappear. The fact they get to slander your character and destroy you in the process is a bonus to them.

    Going to court against a narcissist isn’t about the law or the facts.  It is about who is best at telling the story and being believed. Now I am not for one second suggesting you become an Oscar winning actor.  But it is important you learn how to put in your best performance. Which is why we developed our Get Court Ready course, designed to give you all the skills, tools and mindset to win this battle.
  • Recognise you may have PTSD
    A relationship with a narcissist is traumatic and stressful and when you have been exposed to it for a lengthy period of time, you can develop PTSD (and complex PTSD).  Symptoms of PTSD are:
    • regularly reliving painful memories, to the extent that you feel as if you are going through it again
    • losing all confidence in yourself and are finding it difficult to adapt to different and new situations
    • developing a chronic illness, anxiety or depression following your relationship with a narcissist
    • feeling numb and unsure of who you really are avoiding people and situations


PTSD can impact your relationship with those you love, including your children and leave you vulnerable to being retriggered by your ex.  Check out our guide to All You Need To Know About PTSD After Narcissistic Abuse.

Female narcissists are dangerous and highly abusive.  Like their male counterparts, they take no prisoners and are hell bent on destroying you.  If they have to take down others, including their own children, so be it.  As far as they are concerned the end justifies the means.  Everyone is collateral damage for them retaining their public persona.  

It’s important we speak out about this.  Men can be victims and women can be abusers.  Awareness is paramount is helping our children to recover and not repeat these cycles.

If you have experienced abuse at the hands of a narcissist and feel comfortable, please do share your thoughts. Or maybe you know someone who is a female narcissist.  Is what I have said accurate in your opinion?  Get involved.

The post CO-PARENTING WITH A NARCISSIST – 13 STRATEGIES TO HELP YOU DEAL WITH A FEMALE NARCISSIST appeared first on The Nurturing Coach.

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