0:00 Intro
0:30 Do Narcissists Know They’re Narcissistic?
1:07 Results of the Single Item Narcissism Scale (SINS)
2:00 Narcissistic Self-Views (Covert & Overt)
3:21 Meaning for Relationships
Do Narcissists Know They’re Narcissistic?
Are narcissists aware of their behavior traits? In this video, I share some answers about this and provide insight into what you might expect from the different types of narcissism in relationship settings.
0:00 Intro
0:32 One Source of Narcissistic Rage
2:03 Second Source of Narcissistic Rage
3:10 How to Respond to Narcissistic Rage
Narcissistic Rage: What Drives it and How to Respond
The topic of narcissistic rage came up in the comments, so I created this video in response. I discuss two of the major sources of narcissistic rage and how you should respond to protect yourself.
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But the very fact that narcissists, for all their posturing, are deeply insecure, also gives us an easy way to spot them. Insecurely attached people can’t talk coherently about their family and childhood; their early memories are confused, contradictory, and riddled with gaps. Narcissists often give themselves away precisely because their childhood story makes no sense, and the most common myth they carry around is the perfect family story. If your date sings their praises for their exalted family but the reasons for their panegyric seem vague or discursive, look out. The devil is in the details, as they say — and very likely, that’s why you’re not hearing them.
Production notes ;-): I’m living in temporary housing with my family while we get things fixed up after black mold/renovations, and it’s been challenging for lots of reasons to make videos (the fact that quiet moments have become exceedingly rare might top the list). I shot this one a few months ago but struggled to find a surface where I wasn’t looking down at my laptop. There aren’t many convenient well lit places to set up. I wasn’t happy with the angle but I’ve never found time since to reshoot, so here you go. I also experimented with just using Bluetooth mic since, despite the fact that I’ve always used a studio mic (samsung) I get occasional complaints about the audio level. Let’s see if this is better.
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The One Sign of Pathological Narcissism You’ve Never Heard Before: Part II
Following up with my previous video, here I clarify that covert and overt narcissism lead to childhood stories that may seem vastly different, but they share one common feature.
But the very fact that narcissists, for all their posturing, are deeply insecure, also gives us an easy way to spot them. Insecurely attached people can’t talk coherently about their family and childhood; their early memories are confused, contradictory, and riddled with gaps. Narcissists often give themselves away precisely because their childhood story makes no sense, and the most common myth they carry around is the perfect family story. If your date sings their praises for their exalted family but the reasons for their panegyric seem vague or discursive, look out. The devil is in the details, as they say — and very likely, that’s why you’re not hearing them.
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00:00 How to Overcome Echoism: Healthy Anger
1:58 What is Primary Healthy Anger?
6:35 Experience vs Expression of Anger
8:50 How Healthy Anger Empowers Echoists
Recently, I’ve been inundated with requests from journalists to discuss “echoism,” a term I introduced in my book, Rethinking Narcissism. Articles on the subject are trending, and a new book, Echoism, even devotes itself to understanding the topic in depth. Echoism support groups, therapists, and workshops are springing up, and demand for information appears to be growing. But what does the word mean?
I’ve compiled my answers to nine of the most frequently asked questions about echoism.
1. What is echoism? Echoism is a trait that my colleagues and I have begun measuring, and like all traits, it exists to a greater or lesser degree in everyone. People who score well above average in echoism qualify as echoists, and their defining characteristic is a fear of seeming narcissistic in any way. Of all the people we measured, echoists were the most “warm-hearted,” but they were also afraid of becoming a burden, felt unsettled by attention, especially praise, and agreed with statements like, “When people ask me my preferences, I’m often at a loss.” Where narcissists are addicted to feeling special, echoists are afraid of it. In the myth of Narcissus, Echo, the nymph who eventually falls madly in love with Narcissus, has been cursed to repeat back the last few words she hears. Like their namesake, echoists definitely struggle to have a voice of their own.
2. Can echoism exist without narcissism? Regardless of how it begins — and there are many childhood causes — echoism, like any trait, persists regardless of whom people spend their time with. Still, echoists are often drawn to narcissists precisely because they’re so afraid of burdening others or seeming “needy” that to have someone who relishes taking up all the room, as narcissists often do, comes as something of a relief; but it’s a high price to pay for a respite from their anxieties. When narcissists become abusive, echoists sometimes blame themselves for their mistreatment (“I expect too much”; “I’m being overly sensitive”; “I shouldn’t have gone back”; etc.). No one deserves to be abused, whether they stay in a relationship or not — abuse is 100 percent the responsibility of the abuser — but echoists can mire themselves in abusive relationships, because they feel responsible for their mistreatment.
3. Are some people more apt to become extreme echoists? Echoists appear to be born with more emotional sensitivity than most of us — they feel deeply — and when that temperament is exposed to a parent who shames or punishes them for having any needs at all, they’re apt to grow up high in echoism. A client of mine had a narcissistic father who grew enraged whenever people didn’t do exactly what he wanted — a misplaced dish was enough to set him off — and as a result of his lessons (my way or the highway), she wasn’t just afraid to say what she needed or wanted. She didn’t even know what that was. This is typical with extreme echoists — they’re so afraid expressing their needs will cost them love that they lose touch with their own desires.
00:00 Stop Doing This if You’re with a Narcissist
00:40 Defining Echoism (Take the test!)
01:47 Don’t do this with a Narcissist!
03:27 Where You Learned the “Figuring Out” Strategy
04:39 Seeing the Problem More Clearly
06:52 Do this Instead 🙂
One trap for #echoists when it comes to leaving bad (narcissistic) relationships is a species of self-blame: the figuring out response. “I wonder if s/he meant it? Does s/he have NPD? Was that real?” The reality is that echoists learned this strategy in their family of origin. Rather than being encouraged to trust their gut, they’re often pushed to try to think about what their narcissistic caregiver is thinking or doing or feeling–in other words what makes them tick. But in healthy loving relationships, if someone does something upsetting or disappointing, we’re not expected to think about why or try to prevent future hurts by understanding the psychology of the person we’re close to. Healthy intimacy involves saying “ouch” when hurt.
If your son or daughter was hurt by a friend, you likely wouldn’t ask them “Why do you think they did that? or What do you think they were thinking? Or do you think they did it on purpose?” You’d say, I’m so sorry. That must have really hurt.” And comfort them. But #echoists had to survive experiences by hoping that if they figured out their narcissistic caregivers they, themselves, could prevent being hurt. And as adults they often do the same with their partners. I
It’s not your job to figure anyone out but yourself. And doing so is often a well-cultivated habit, to protect yourself from attack after simply saying ouch–and protect narcissistic friends and partners from feeling hurt simply because you dare to say “I didn’t like that.”
Recognize the *figuring out* response as what it is– and always was: yet another way of shouldering responsibility for someone else’s bad behaviors.
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00:00 Stop Falling for Covert Narcissists
00:46 Understanding What Covert Narcissism Is
02:57 Why Covert Narcissism is Such a Powerful Trap
03:44 Escape the Trap: Emotionality is NOT Emotion!
Covert narcissists create something of a trap for those of us who tend to live life as empathic caretakers. Whether you struggle with echoism or just find yourself falling for partner who seem more harmful over time, you can break free–and the first step is being mindful of when and how your care-taking impulse kicks in. Once you start to see that the apparent vulnerability of covert narcissism isn’t in fact vulnerable at all, you can become a lot clearly about what goes wrong and why–and steer clear of relationships that keep you stuck. Here I discuss what covert narcissism, why it pulls you in, and how to see through the pattern to achieve greater clarity.
00:00 Intro
00:20 What is love bombing?
01:35 What is healthy idealization?
03:02 Positive illusions with a narcissist
03:41 Spotting trouble
05:31 When is a relationship real? www.drcraigmalkin.com/the-book
How Can You Tell If You’re Being Love Bombed?
The emotional experiences that drive love bombing play a crucial (and fun!) role in healthy relationships. Also known as positive illusions, these ways of seeing each and relating help build bonds. But what happens when a narcissist gets involved and takes the fun of positive illusions to an unhealthy place? Find out more as I discuss the features of healthy positive illusions and how to tell when the fun turns ominous in this video about “love bombing”.
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00:00 Intro
00:35 What is narcissistic devaluing?
01:28 What is attachment insecurity?
02:17 What’s the link between narcissistic devaluing and idealization (aka love bombing)?
04:47 What do you do if you see the idealization cycle starting?
Why Narcissistic Partners Devalue–and How to See It Coming
Extreme narcissism can take the healthy and enjoyable effects of idealization and turn them into a negative cycle of “love bombing” and devaluing. Luckily, there are clear signs that help you identify this behavior and protect yourself. In this video, learn how to recognize and see a narcissistic partner’s propensity to devalue you, and what you can do when you see it happening.
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00:00 Intro
00:43 What is stealth control?
01:25 What does stealth control look like in relationships?
02:21 Stealth control and overt (extraverted) narcissism
04:34 stealth control and covert narcissism
05:37 How to recognize stealth control in all narcissism
Narcissism and Stealth Control
Both overt and covert narcissists frequently exert a form of control over their partners – and while it may appear different in each type, at the core it’s the same. Stealth control restricts our options and opportunity to choose our experiences and arranges events to make sure whatever happens is on the stealth controller’s terms. In this video, learn how to recognize stealth control—and how to tell if there’s room to interact in other, healthier ways.
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