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The Narcissistic Mirage – Coming To Grips With Who They Really Are

The Narcissistic Mirage – Coming To Grips With Who They Really Are

 

It’s such a shock when we discover that the narcissist is nothing more than a mirage.

How do we come to terms with the fact that we invested ourselves into a wonderful idea that was never real?

Let me show you how to see past what they seem to be. This will help you not become reliant on or emotionally addicted to them. It will also ensure you can avoid being emotionally triggered into neediness, fear and panic in ways that may surprise or shock you.

In today’s Thriver TV episode I will guide you to your very own Great Awakening, which is your deep Life Truth.

 

Video Transcript

Remember the myth of Narcissus looking into the water and falling in love with his own reflection?

This wasn’t the real him.

It’s such a shock when we discover that the narcissist who we thought was incredible, and even our soulmate is nothing more than a mirage. This person simply wasn’t real.

It’s horrible initially to understand that because they are not a real person, they didn’t love us and they are not capable of love.

How do you come to terms with the fact that you invested your heart, life, years and soul into a mirage? A wonderful idea and dream that was never real.

That’s exactly what we are talking about today in this Thriver TV episode.

Before I get started, I want to quickly shout out that I’m very excited about my upcoming You Can Thrive One-Day global workshop, which will be a first of its kind, an intensive healing container for thousands of people, to move you up and out of narcissistic abuse into your true abuse-free life.

To claim your seat, all you need to do is click this link.

Okay, let’s get started on today’s very important topic.

 

The Promise of the Mirage

Bad people exist. People who are soulless, and are not concerned with other people’s feelings, needs or values. These are people who are parasitical, they feed off other people’s energy, resources and Life Force to try to grant themselves power and an existence.

The problem is these people masquerade as everyday people in society. They appear as lovely, commendable and caring people who we can trust. They are potential lovers, business associates, authority figures, bosses, friends and neighbours. They can also be family members who are supposed to love you and treat you with care.

What is incredibly tricky about these individuals is they are skilled at working out the people who they wish to ensnare and start mining for their own benefit. In a family setting, they already have your connection and attention. The narcissists outside of families identify what people feel they need in their life and then present themselves as the solution to these issues.

The bottom line is, we want to trust these people. We want to believe that they are the answer to our loneliness, broken heartedness, safety, wellbeing or any other challenge in our life.

Maybe this person seems strong and outgoing, and we have struggled to speak up and lay boundaries or be tough enough to navigate our own life fearlessly, and now we finally feel safe.

Possibly, this person seems so loving and generous and caring, and after not feeling loved and cared for, you feel like you are finally seen and met.

This person may have the supposed energy, wealth, drive and ambition, as well as aligned goals with you, so much so that you finally feel like your dreams can come true.

Within narcissistic abuse, bonding does not discriminate, it happens in every relationship. In intimate or family relationships there are countless ways you will be bonded. If this person is not a love relationship, maybe you have connected resources, such as finances or a business deal. Or this person seems to supply something in your life that unknowingly you are now reliant on or emotionally addicted to.

Narcissists are skilled at creating “dependencies”; it may be so insidious and gradual that you barely understood that it was happening.

A particularly good indication is that this person starts becoming difficult, withdrawing or withholding affection or attention from you so that you are emotionally triggered into neediness, fear and panic in ways that surprise or shock you.

This is where cognitive dissonance comes into play. You are ensnared by this person; they have literally infiltrated your soul. Now, the relationship can only continue for you if you make logical excuses and justifications to stay attached.

This is where you are now projecting onto him or her, despite the atrocious behaviour, the idealised version of “how you believe this person should be”.

How would you stay with this person, unless you are lying to yourself?

 

The Thud of Truth

Within narcissistic relationships, the state of your soul, emotions, finances and health progressively disintegrates.

Inevitably, there comes a time where you acknowledge you are being abused. The volume of the abuse keeps getting turned up progressively, so intensely, as the cycles of abuse deepen and intensify (as they do with all toxic relationships), that eventually the truth must get your attention.

And this is the truth: this person does not really love you and care for you, despite the throwaway words that they sometimes use, to hoover you back in, or give you some false sense of security.

This is not love. This is not healthy. This is not even a real person who has a conscience or ability to see you as anything more than an object for them to benefit from.

As terrifying, heartbreaking and soul-destroying as this is, this is the passage to your own personal evolution.

Your Great Awakening is to accept the truth, that this person (or people) who you thought were trustworthy, commendable, and had your best interests at heart, absolutely don’t. These people do not add to your life in any way that is healthy, rather they are feeding off you, draining you and ultimately destroying you, all for their own benefit.

If you don’t wake up to this, then there is only one outcome, your personal diminishment and demise.

Here is the rub, denial and ignorance are not bliss, because the longer you stay attached refusing to look at the truth – the more your rights are being eroded.

The deeper the enslavement becomes.

The further down into the loss of your soul and Life Force you go.

Awakening means applying critical thinking. It means to open your eyes and heart to the truth. That when someone is hurting you they are not loving you, and it’s time to stop hurting yourself and love yourself with all your might.

It means to not just blindly accepting to cling to a version of a person in your life, that you would want them to be.

It means to stop handing power over to other people and to take the power back to be the generative force and source of your life for yourself.

That’s the Great Awakening. That’s what it means to live Your Truth.

Your Inner Being knows the truth. When your emotions are screaming at you that something is not right, and you are being diminished, and stripped of your rights, then that is the time to wake up.

When you try to assert your rights and truth regarding the sovereignty of your feelings, values, desires and choices in life (meaning the freedom to be fully yourself), and they are not allowed – then you are being abused.

If you don’t wake up to this, you are asleep. As a goodhearted person, who is not as yet anchored in your own body navigating your life from the truth of your core, you are a prime candidate to be targeted and abused by these people – posing as your “answer”, “safety”, “saviour” or “dream life”.

With abusers, it becomes obvious. Their agenda and decisions happen without your involvement or any consideration for your values and desires. It is “sold” to you as this: this person knows what’s best for you because YOU don’t have the ability to know or decide what is best for you.

Don’t buy it! It’s not the truth!

Until you awaken, you are prey to people who are mirages, who are wolves in sheep’s clothing and are highly dangerous and abusive.

 

Being Straight With You

I’m addressing you in this way because I truly needed to do that with myself.

Before I discovered Thriver Healing, I was paralysed and stunted in the horror of the discovery that he was not the human being that I “needed” him to be. I had assigned him as the authority and the giver of my life.

I hadn’t yet awakened to become that to myself.

Doing so, saved my life. I turned inside, self-partnered and took on the mission of loving and caring for myself. I tapped into and activated my true power as a sovereign being to fulfil and rise into my ascension and truth, rather than try to get the power and permission to be that person from outside myself.

You have the power to do the same.

Totally.

Speaking of which, my global You Can Thrive One-Day Workshop is all about that. It’s about you rising into your truth as a sovereign being disconnected from all of this rubbish of being manipulated and mined and abused by False Selves posing as good people.

I can’t wait to co-generate your enlightenment and breakthrough with you.

Click the link at the top right of this video to check out the details and register for this event.

And as always, I look forward to answering your comments and questions below.

 

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20 Signs Your Ex Is Narcissistic

20 Signs Your Ex Is Narcissistic

You leave and you’ll never see the kids again

Narcissistic mother

Things started so well.  They seemed perfect and, even better, they made you feel perfect too.  They lavished praise and attention on you.  It felt wonderful.  It was everything you ever dreamed of.

Then they stopped being so affectionate.  They started talking about someone new at work.  Everything they once said they loved most about you suddenly seemed to irritate the crap out of them.

What changed?

They tell you it was you but you aren’t sure.  Nevertheless you try everything to win back their acceptance.

But it’s not enough and although you do anything and everything, nothing works.

It’s all your fault

Or is it?

 

Individuals with narcissistic personalities tend to be grandiose, entitled, and self-centered.  They are often impulsive and anxious, have ideas of grandiosity and “specialness“, become quickly dissatisfied with others and maintain superficial, exploitative interpersonal relationships.

It’s why they find it so easy to  move on to the next “supply” and so easily discard you.

They react to criticism with feels of rage, stress or humiliation (even though they will never express that).  They take advantage of others to achieve their own ends.  

Other personality disorder processes are high levels of over-dramatic emotional displays (silent treatment or rage), paranoia (jealousy and suspiciousness), antisocial behaviours (aggression, domestic abuse and verbal abuse) or obsessive compulsive behaviours (rigid moralistic rules).  These are often evident throughout the relationship, although not at the start as they usually have another person who is able to be their “regulatory other” (the person who regulates their emotions). 


Overt narcissist (sometimes called grandiose narcissist)

Overt narcissists are characterised by grandiosity, attention-seeking, entitlement, arrogance and little observable anxiety. They can be socially charming, despite being oblivious to the needs of others, and are interpersonally exploitative.  They engage in superficial relationships and seek out external feedback that supports their grandiose sense of self and protects them from their fragile self image

Covert narcissist (sometimes called vulnerable narcissist)

Coverst narcissists present as vulnerable, fragile and thin-skinned.  They are characterised as inhibited, distressed and hypersensitive to evaluations of theirs, while chronically envious and evaluation themselves in relation to others. Interpersonally they tend to be shy, outwardly self-effacing (modest) and hypersensitive to criticism, but are covertly grandiose and jealous.

Malignant narcissist

They are characterised by the typical symptoms of Narcissistic Personality Disorder as well as prominent antisocial behaviour, paranoid features and sadism towards others.  they engage in chronic lying, intimidation and financial or interpersonal secondary gains which maintain their malignant pattern.

10 Signs Your Ex Wife/Girlfriend Is Narcissistic

I watched Gone Girl for the first time a few months ago and I thought Amy (pictured above, credit: thefincheranalyst.com) was one of the best depictions of a female covert narcissistic I have seen.  She played the part of victim so well at the start to lure in her husband (Amy’s mother was a overt narcissist) and then later in the film to restore her delusion as “loyal wife”.  Apologies if I have given too many spoilers away there, trust me that there is so much more to the film.

The female narcissists I have dealt with personally and professionally were covert and loved to act like the perfect partner and parent.  They go to extreme lengths outside the family home to project this image of perfection.  Obviously within the relationship things are very different.

Here are ten signs of a female narcissistic ex:

Continuous sense that she is disappointed

Take sides against you by default, assume the worst, distrust

Fantasies, several would involve another partner, not subtle

Your were paying for others mistakes against her

No true connection, emotionally distant, and callous

Ruined your special occasions by refusing to acknowledge them but wanted excessive displays of devotion on theirs

She prevented you from making friends, venting frustrations, or seeking support

Double standards in everything (they expect praise but gave you nothing but criticism, even if you did the same/similar thing)

You were made to feel guilty for wanting to be intimate

She regularly threatened to leave, threatening to pursue support in Family Court in order to destroy you financially (and may have followed through on this)

If you have children with a female narcissist, I recommend reading our blog 13 Strategies for Dealing With A Female Narcissist 

10 Signs Your Ex Husband/Boyfriend Is Narcissistic

I hate to admit this but I loved the first season of You.  Joe was a terrifyingly good narcissist.  So good that I think he lovebombed half the female audience! He displayed anti-social behaviour (malignant), vulnerability (covert) and was incredibly socially charming (overt). He was a full-house.

The male narcissists I have dealt with have also displayed all of the criteria.  I have had men ring me telling me that their ex is stopping them from seeing their children only to make false allegations against me online 24 hours later because HE didn’t answer the call HE arranged. I have spoken to men who have overtly spoken of their own grandiose sense of self by stating how they were capable of doing x,y and z even though they emailed me for advice. I have also had conversations with someone who claimed they were alienated only to later discover that they were in fact a registered sex offender.

Here are ten signs your ex was narcissistic:

Infidelity is common but they will also engage in sexual fantasies and try to get you involved

He wanted to control your appearance appearance

His and your emotional needs were not attended to

Triangulated the children into arguments and expects the children to take his side

Was only interested in doing things he wanted to do

He was extremely jealously of other men

He was envious of any of your successes (including your relationship with the children)

He never listened, but expected a lot of attention and perfect memory

Downplayed the contribution of raising children or taking care of the household

Sees you as his only being there to meet his needs

If you have children with a narcissistic ex I recommend reading out blog The Realities of Co-Parenting with a Narcissist

Narcissists dispaly a pattern of self-centeredness and grandiosity.  They have an exaggerated sense of their own abilities and achievements, require constant attention, affirmation and praise and believe they are unique and special and should only associate with others who are equally unique and special (you).  These are all brilliant reasons they are your ex.

As stated, if you have children with a narcissist do check out our resources on parental alienation and divorcing the narcissist.  Forewarned is forearmed.

The post 20 Signs Your Ex Is Narcissistic appeared first on The Nurturing Coach.

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How Narcissistic Relationships End – Preparing For The Aftermath

How Narcissistic Relationships End – Preparing For The Aftermath

 

Ending a relationship with a narcissist can be very challenging. It is not like a normal breakup.

If you do know what can happen, what to expect and how to prepare yourself, then you will get through this process much faster and more easily.

I can’t wait to share how to deal with the inevitable smearing, cruel discard, and unrealistic entitlement by the narcissist and how to protect your emotional, spiritual and mental self and your precious children.

 

 

Video Transcript

Breaking up with a narcissist is not easy.

It’s nothing like the ending of a normal relationship.

If you don’t know what a narcissist is capable of, or what to expect, it will leave you reeling.

However, if you do know what can happen, what to expect and how to prepare yourself, then you will get through this process much faster and more easily.

That’s exactly what I want to help you achieve, by sharing this episode with you today.

If you really need this information, because you have already split up, or are in the split up process, or you know that you are heading towards it, please let me know in the comments below.

Okay, let’s get started on today’s episode!

This Person Won’t Care About You

For many of you, I know that this is a hugely difficult time during the coronavirus epidemic.

Many of you are still stuck with a narcissist even though maybe you were about to break up. Or you have broken up, even though you are still living together, or you know that you desperately need to break up.

Whichever case it is, or if you are still struggling in the aftermath of a breakup with a narcissist, I hope that this information can help you.

Let’s start off with how a narcissistic character rolls during and after breakups.

When dealing with a narcissist, even at the best of times, this person doesn’t think or operate like a normal human being. It’s not personal, they just don’t have the capacity to be any other way apart from it being all about them.

I can’t express to you enough how important it is to not get hung up on expecting decency, normality or sensibility when separating from a narcissist.

The narcissist is not concerned about your welfare, or how healthily you can move on after the relationship ends. According to the perpetual victimhood of narcissism, it’s actually you that has treated them abysmally and are to blame for everything.

The narcissist will want to punish you. He or she believes you need to suffer for what you’ve done.

None of this is based on rationale, and it’s not something that you can argue with the narcissist. Narcissistic reasoning can’t be reasoned with, all you can do is protect yourself against it.

When breaking up with the narcissist, make sure that you safeguard everything that you can. Many people have been shocked to discover money was taken out of bank accounts, furniture was removed and hidden, and personal items that were close to your heart were hijacked, never to be handed over.

I know that this is even more of a challenge during the times of this pandemic, but please think smart, and keep your cards close to your chest. Make your moves and secure your things in a way that the narcissist does not know about and be very careful who you tell and trust.

Narcissists are very good at keeping allies close to them.

The Inevitable Smearing

There will be incredible lies spread to all and sundry about the “terrible” person you are, and all the apparent bad things that you have done and are doing.

Not only will this information be fabricated, stretched or incomplete; it is likely to be a projection of what the narcissist did and is doing themselves.

I know this can sucker punch so hard that you wonder how you will ever recover from it. Yet, I really want to emphasise that this behaviour is completely normal for a narcissist. Expect it, and then it won’t be as much of a shock.

Let go of being mortified by these outrageous behaviours and actions, so that you don’t hook in trying to receive justice. If you react it is going to make matters so much worse for you.

It’s vital that you detach, keep releasing all of these intense feelings of trauma and injustice and keep as healthy and whole on the inside as you can.

This is the most powerful formula regarding being able to navigate what is necessary.

The less affected you are and the less you feed what is happening the stronger the position you’re in to get through this.

Being Discarded Cruelly

When relationships disintegrate in a narcissist’s life, he or she must change “the scene of the play” to appease and protect their ego.

This includes discrediting and devaluing you as now being unimportant and irrelevant. It also includes creating a “new script” and throwing the old one in the trash.

This means that you will be written out of his or her life as if you never existed.

I know of so many people, even after decades of being married to a narcissist, being discarded and treated with complete indifference and cruelty, and being completely shattered.

Especially after giving their heart, soul, allegiance and energy to this person for so long.

If this happens, please know as personal as it feels, it is just the way a narcissist operates.

My highest suggestion to you, rather than going through the agony of months or even years of the torturous emotions of this, is to turn inside and start healing and quickly get relief.

I promise you this works to get free of the most horrific trauma there is.

My NARP program will move you through the grief and devastation very quickly, which brings relief, as well as helping you be strong for what is coming ahead.

Unrealistic Entitlement

When a narcissist breaks up, he or she believes that they are entitled to as much as they can get their hands on.

This is no different to the narcissist’s behaviour and attitude anyway, which is completely self-absorbed.

Not only is the narcissist callous about how you will fare in the future, he or she believes (through any insane justification) that they should be getting the majority, if not all the goodies.

You will experience ridiculous settlement expectations and even barbaric solicitor-initiated demands.

Don’t try to cut a fair deal, because it just won’t be possible.

There are really only two options that you are left with, which is stand up and keep releasing the trauma that is being triggered and fight the fair fight legally, or be prepared to relinquish a great deal of what is rightly yours and walk away.

Only you know what will be right for you.

In the past I let go and relinquished and rebuilt, incredibly successfully, because I was able to take my soul, healing and freedom back.

However, with what I know now, I would have released the trauma and taken the narcissist legally through the courts.

I have seen so many wonderful and incredible results that Thrivers have achieved as a result of doing the inner work with NARP and then calmly and solidly taking legal action.

If you Google my name and the words “court”, “custody” and “settlement” you will find numerous resources on this topic to help you.

Throwing the New Supply in Your Face

This is one of the cruellest things that can happen, and it happens regularly with a narcissist, when your relationship ends with them.

He or she may make sure you discover the new love in their life, and paint a picture as if this person is so much better for them than you ever were.

To add insult to injury the narcissist will integrate with this person’s life and include them into theirs and quite possibly your children’s lives too, as if the life they had with you never existed.

Naturally, the trauma from being replaced with ‘new supply’ is devastating. It’s one of the worst things anyone can experience.

It is probable that you are experiencing so much trauma and shock that you couldn’t even think of beginning a new relationship. Unlike the narcissist who can move on in the time that it takes to boil an egg. It’s just what they do.

I promise you with all my heart that when you release and heal from these terrible inner traumatic feelings, you won’t care who the narcissist is with and you will be relieved that it’s not you.

NARP helps you get there very quickly and powerfully, and it’s a beautiful day when you reach this place! Take it from me. I went through this as well.

The Effect on Your Children

I know that so many of you are extremely concerned about the effect on your children, when breaking up with a narcissist.

This is a topic very dear to my heart, as it was a huge journey for me personally with my son Zac.

As a Mother, over the last decade plus, I have been deeply heart-connected to thousands of people abused by narcissists, regarding helping their children.

When breaking up with a narcissist this is a very difficult time for you and your relationship with your children, because of all the trauma that you’re experiencing. Additionally, the narcissist may be attempting to alienate you from your children.

At no time is it more vital to be able to heal and stay emotionally solid and strong. It may seem impossible to do so, especially when you feel such concern for your children as well.

I promise you that with intense and dedicated inner work it is possible.

I’d love to include several resources on this topic for you that are on the blog:

How to Help Your Children Who Are Affected By Narcissists

Parent’s Empowering Themselves For Their Children’s Sake

And …

What to do When You’re Alienated From Your Child

(For additional resources on this topic, all you need to do is google my name + children, and many more will come up for you.)

Dealing With the Aftershock

You may be stunned to discover that after leaving a narcissist, relief doesn’t come.

In fact, it is normal that the painful feelings and trauma will escalate and get worse before they get better.

People in your life may not understand this. They think … “Because you are away from this person, aren’t you supposed to be getting better now?”

Nothing could be further from the truth. What is more likely is that you will feel like you are having a cataclysmic breakdown.

In my article How to Leave The Narcissist With Your Emotions Intact I wrote this:

“‘Aftershock’ is a very real phenomenon after leaving a narcissist. When you are stuck in the fight with the narcissist you are in survival mode, and somehow that keeps you alive.

When you leave the narcissist, you will experience grave Complicated and/or Post Traumatic Stress Disorder symptoms. Not unlike a wartime survivor, the entire trauma has a chance to hit when you have got away.

The abuse from yesterday, last week, last month and last year now activates. You are also caught up in the intense mind-bending withdrawal of the addiction to the trauma.”

My greatest recommendation to you at this time is:

Don’t try to tend to your aftershock logically.

Our trauma comes from a much deeper, unconscious place within us that is operating below the level of the logical mind. It needs to be met at a body, somatic level, in order to be released from it.

So many people, myself included, found powerful and quick relief as a result of releasing the trauma from our cellular Inner Beings.

By removing the horrific panic, fight and flight, and all of the obsessive feelings including longing and regret, this grants an emotional platform to find a way up and out of the abuse and into our new and true life.

I promise you, just like coronavirus, this horribly stressful time CAN pass.

You will get through this, and myself and this community stand with you and for you to help you do that.

Those of you who are interested in learning more about NARP, and what Quanta Freedom Healing can do for you, I’d love you to join me in my upcoming free Masterclass which is on Wednesday the 29th of April, where you can learn the deeper Quantum Truths about healing for real, and how they have liberated thousands of people, just like you, into abuse free Thriving lives.

You can sign up to my free Masterclass by clicking this link.

I can’t wait to join with you, for profound healing there!

And as always, I look forward to answering your comments and questions below.

 

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Understanding Trauma and the Cycles of Narcissistic Abuse

Understanding Trauma and the Cycles of Narcissistic Abuse

Do you feel caught in a narcissist-inflicted cycle of abuse?

Which part of the cycle are you at?  Is it idolise? Or is it devalue? Or maybe you’ve been discarded?

Each phase is traumatising, deeply so, exactly because they know how to hook into your unhealed trauma and make it hurt.

First, they will purport to fulfil all your dreams and desires and then turn them against you one by one.

In today’s Thriver TV episode I’ll explain to you how to relate these cycles of abuse to the trauma that we are experiencing in our body.

I deeply hope this helps you, by being able to untangle what is going on, so that you can access a faster and much more powerful recovery journey.

 

 

Video Transcript

Today, I want to truly help you understand trauma and how it relates to the cycles of narcissistic abuse.

There are three main cycles of narcissistic abuse that are perpetrated on you, these are idolise, devalue and discard. You may have heard about them and studied them.

But how do these cycles relate to the trauma that we are experiencing in our bodies at the time of these stages?

I hope that not only will you find this episode fascinating, but that it will also help grant you vital information regarding your recovery from narcissistic abuse.

Okay, so just before we get started I’d like to thank all of you who have subscribed to my channel for supporting the Thriver Mission and spreading the word that it is now possible to heal for real from narcissistic abuse.

If you haven’t yet subscribed, please do so by clicking the link below this video.

Okay, so now, let’s get started!

 

The Trauma of “Idolise”

In the love bombing stage of narcissistic abuse, the narcissist is hooking into our past traumas.

Let me explain. These are the traumas of not feeling seen, heard or met.

Maybe, we felt invisible in a family of origin or in previous relationships. Yet, now, the narcissist has turned on the love gushing and attentiveness in such a way that we feel SO “met”. This causes us to feel like a parched person lost in the desert who has just found their oasis.

Narcissists are highly skilled at working out very quickly what has hurt you and what you are missing in your life. They then turn it on to seemingly grant you the rectification and a surplus of these specific things.

Thus, you bond very quickly with this person and let them into your heart, soul and life. It totally is the feeling of having connected with your soul mate.

In relation to a family member, or a work colleague or friend or another connection in your life, the idolise stage is about flattering you or being nice to you in order to groom and mine you to fulfil their own agenda.

Trusting the narcissist is vital for them to secure narcissistic supply, which is the energy from you that allows him or her to feel that they exist.

Possibly, you have experienced deception, betrayal and even adultery in your previous relationships. If a high functioning narcissist realises this, then they can purport to you that honesty, loyalty and monogamy are very important values to them and that they would never hurt you.

Of course, you may feel like you have hit the jackpot!

The same goes if you feel that you have been engulfed, controlled and distrusted previously, and this person seems to grant you space and trust in spades!

Here is this dream person you have been waiting for all your life!

Of course, we can say “How horrible that people dupe people in this way, pretending to be something that they aren’t!” Yet I promise you that thinking you’ve been “duped” equals how to lose regarding taking your power back and generating your safe, loving and healthy life.

As a Thriver, it’s vital to understand that we are responsible for our own boundaries and not to put them in the hands of other people who could be lying to us!

Healing and empowering and shoring up our own lives is never about stopping everybody else from lying, it’s about us being anchored in our loyalty, truthfulness and healthy boundaries to ourselves.

Absolutely, once upon a time, I chose to trust people blindly, even when my Inner Being was flashing extreme warning signs to me.

I ignored the signs because I didn’t want to speak up, rock the boat or risk this person leaving me because I didn’t “trust” them.

Now, as a result of trusting myself, I understand the following truths that apply to all of us regarding the previous traumas that have caused us to be susceptible to pathological and toxic individuals.

These understandings are vital to shore up not being able to lay boundaries or create our healthy and safe truth regardless of what other people are or aren’t doing:

1) If we inwardly meet the traumas from our birth families and previous relationships and heal them, then we will not be susceptible to somebody offering us “being saved” from these traumas. We have already achieved that for ourselves.

2) When we are healed and whole, we can take our time with people and get to know their character before committing our soul, body, life and finances to them.

3) If we have done enough inner work on our traumas, we can be ourselves. Meaning we can easily speak up, have the difficult conversations and be willing to walk away from any person and deal that starts to become unhealthy for us.

Okay now let’s get onto the next stage of the narcissistic abuse cycle.

 

The Trauma of “Devalue”

In the devaluing stage of narcissistic abuse, the narcissist is triggering our past traumas as well – the traumas of being invalidated, unloved and others not recognising us as good and honest people.

When the narcissist switches from being attentive, loving and caring, into starting to attack the very wounds that we thought that he or she was easing for us, it is intensely painful.

The promise of love, wholeness and safety that we were feeling, is now in dire jeopardy.

In regard to a family member, or any other narcissistic relationship, it’s extremely painful that this person, now, is not treating us how they should.

After feeling seen, heard and met (in the idolise stage) now there is cruel indifference, insults and abandonment.

After once being assured of loyalty and fidelity, we are now incredibly anxious that the narcissist is being disloyal and even adulterous behind our back.

After believing that we are honoured and given space and trusted, the accusations and insinuations start flying. And they cannot be appeased or resolved, no matter what we say or do.

What is happening?

The life that we thought we would be having with this person, or should be having, has turned into a nightmare.

Again, we get horrifically hooked into the insanity of it all, fighting to try to get this person to return to the “wonderful” person who we believe they should be. The harder we try to get them to do this, the worse things get.

So many of us have been there.

I was there too, fighting for accountability, sensibility and kindness that were impossible to get, and experiencing escalating abuse every time I tried.

What is the message in this?

This … the narcissist was never going to stop this behaviour or help us heal because he or she is not the saviour of these traumas.

The narcissist is the messenger of them.

What is it that is getting triggered from within you?

For me it was injustice, invalidation, betrayal and feeling intensely engulfed and distrusted.

These have been traumas which had plagued me all my life, and as a result of narcissistic abuse, they had hit critical mass. They were making me sick; they were breaking me down, they were destroying the fabric of my very Inner Being.

I was being attacked by him with my wounds. They were the bullets that he was using against me.

I had missed this message before. Now it was a whopping great billboard that had almost completely flattened me.

The message is the same as it is for all of us …

Turn inwards and become our own saviour by finding and healing these original traumas that are keeping us hooked into the narcissist trying to force him or her to “do it differently this time”.

The truths to embrace in this stage of the narcissistic abuse cycle are:

1) If we heal the traumas that are being dreadfully triggered in the devaluing stage, then we will emerge unaffected, no longer trying to get the narcissist to stop behaving like this. This is because we are no longer triggered by this person.

2) Then, because this behaviour is no longer our reality, (we no longer have the inner wounding that matches it) we will speak up, lay boundaries and leave if healthy behaviour is not forthcoming.

3) There is no longer a need for “closure”, “accountability” or the narcissist to “get it” or “make amends”. We have taken the gift of our own healing and evolution forward as well as the personal resolution and up-levelling in our life that was necessary.

4) In the future, we can be very quick to reject people who don’t have the resources to have healthy relationships with us. This is because we are no longer playing out the painful unconscious patterns of our old original wounds.

 

The Trauma of “Discard”

In many ways, this stage of the cycle triggers the most intense and panicked emotions of all.

This is where we come face-to-face with the huge terror of “abandonment”.

This one was enormous for me, as it is for so many of us who have experienced narcissistic abuse.

When I was abandoned by both narcissists, I freaked out. I would feel like I was dying. I would literally shake and even vomit with the terror of being “left to die”.

This deep primal trauma is embedded in so many of us, deeply within our Inner Identity.

When it goes off within us, we may hand over all our rights, values and even soul to try to not be abandoned. We can’t stop going back to the narcissist, even though he or she may be treating us terribly.

This is why, when separating from him or her, despite the horrific abuse, you can’t seem to let go, move on, stop obsessing or believe that you can live without this person.

There can be many deep inner wounds tied up into these feelings, but fundamentally “abandonment wounds” as well as trauma bonding is the reason for this. Such wounds are why it is so hard to stop breaking No Contact or move on from the obsession of what happened to you.

Personally, I know that if I hadn’t turned inwards to find and completely heal my abandonment traumas that I would not be alive today. They were literally killing me.

My heart goes out to so many of you who I know and recognise are dealing with these deep primal wounds as well.

These traumas powerfully hijack your entire being and have a life of their own. Mere logic or any amount of talk therapy and cognitive information can be completely useless in the face of such intense and engulfing urges.

This is what I know is necessary when this critical mass breakdown hits you:

1) Going within with an effective tool to find, load up and release those panicked, powerful traumas in order to go free from them, is what will save you. My NARP Program does this more effectively than anything else I know. It removes the panic and the intense addictive urges to reconnect, allowing you to stay away and safe.

2) Once you are no longer triggered into young and powerless wounds that have been causing you to retain connection to somebody for deep primal needs of survival, then you start to emerge as a healthy and whole self-generative adult force of your life to yourself. (The relief of this is indescribable!)

3) Going forward you are in a much more solid, mature and whole inner emotional position to make healthy choices regarding people and situations and look after yourself no matter who or what other people are doing.

4) This establishes a powerful healthy platform to be attracted to other healthy and whole mature people in your future.

 

Trauma Recovery is Key

You may have realised that my work is ALL about trauma recovery.

Trauma is responsible for everything in our life that derails us.

Trauma is not our natural state. As humans, we think that it is normal because it has been a normal part of the traumatic human experience, but in no way is it natural.

Trauma is not Who We Really Are.

The experience of narcissistic abuse and its three cycles are all about forcing us to our knees to go within to face and release ourselves from the trauma that has been causing us to have less than humane, fulfilling and safe interpersonal experiences.

When we emerge as trauma free, we are able to make healthy and empowered choices, that eliminate unhealthy people and situations from our life.

I hope that this has helped inspire you to know that there is a way out, no matter what stage of the cycle of narcissistic abuse that you’re in.

If this deeply resonates with you, I would love you to check out my NARP program, which to date, humbly, is the most effective trauma releasing and healing system that I know of to move you up and beyond narcissistic abuse.

As well as anything else that you feel plagued and stuck with.

You can learn more about NARP by clicking this link.

And, as always, I look forward to answering your comments and your questions below.

 

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Cognitive Dissonance – How Narcissistic Trauma Bonding Creates It

Cognitive Dissonance – How Narcissistic Trauma Bonding Creates It

 

You may or may not know what Cognitive Dissonance really is.

It is the confusion of having justifications for staying bonded to somebody who is hurting us.

In other words, emotionally it is feeling horrific to stay, yet you find that you are under the spell of the narcissist no matter how badly he or she is treating you.

Many people don’t understand the real truth about why Cognitive Dissonance takes place, or the real reasons for it.

That’s what today’s Thriver TV episode is all about, explaining to you exactly why you are stuck in Cognitive Dissonance, and how to break free from it forever.

 

 

Video Transcript

Trauma bonding is a narcissistic abuse phenomenon. It makes it incredibly difficult to break away from somebody who is hurting us.

Logically this doesn’t make sense. Why would we stay with somebody who is really bad for us and who is ripping our life and soul apart?

How have we been able to reconcile and justify what is happening to us, in order to stay?

The reason that we do this is because we are suffering from Cognitive Dissonance.

And today I can explain to you what that REALLY means in this Thriver TV episode.

But before we get into the truth about why we stay attached, I’d like to thank each and every one of you for subscribing to my channel and for supporting the Thriver Mission.

And, if you agree with my philosophies, and haven’t yet subscribed, I’d love you to please do so, and please also pass my videos on to those in need.

Okay, so now let’s do a deep dive into what Cognitive Dissonance really is.

 

What is Cognitive Dissonance?

Cognitive Dissonance means we are experiencing two opposing ideas that are creating confusion.

A simple example of this would be the thoughts of, “I want to stay home and relax, but I’d really like to meet up with friends tonight”.

In the case of narcissistic abuse, an example of Cognitive Dissonant thoughts could go like this, “He/she is so abusive. I need to leave to save myself” with “He/she is only behaving like this because of a horrible childhood. I should stay and fix this”.

The Cognitive Dissonance creates the excuses for not pulling away and taking care of ourselves.

Other forms of Cognitive Dissonance can be “reasons” such as, “I know this relationship is meant to be, and I am going to stay and see it through” or worse still, “He really is a great guy, it’s me with all the problems, and I know I make him act like this” or “If I love him enough, I know I can heal him” or “I’m the only person that truly understands her. I can’t leave her, it’s my duty to stay and love her with everything I have”.

We decide to make our choices aligned with these reasons, even though our Inner Being is screaming “Wrong Town! I am breaking down!”

Why do we do this?

Why do we go with a version of truth in our head rather than listen to our emotions which are the Soul Truth of our entire life?

Because we are trauma bonded.

What does that mean?

Let’s investigate.

 

The Real Truth About Trauma Bonding

I have written a great deal about trauma bonding in the past, and there are so many ways that the narcissist behaves, which trigger us into our unhealed histories and insecurities and hook us into trying to resolve them with the person who is hurting us.

You can read more about trauma bonding here (Trauma Bonding – Is It Love Or Something Else).

Yet, when we get deeply underneath all of this, we understand the bottom line of what is really going on. It’s to do with our subconscious belief systems in relation to any topic in our life. These are the driving force of our life that hooks us up with the people, situations and events that exactly match those beliefs.

If our Inner Identity holds the belief, as a result of a traumatic past, generational wounds or painful and devastating childhoods and future adult relationships, of “Love hurts” or “The people who love me leave me/replace me/invalidate me/annihilate me” (and the list goes on and on) then this is what we continue to experience in our life.

Narcissists are famous for delivering this.

And of course, understandably, we have also formed the Inner Identity beliefs of, “I am not worth loving”, “There must be something wrong with me”, “I am incapable of getting love or my life right”. So naturally, we continue going through this over and over again.

Neuroscientists now know that our subconscious controls 40 billion bits of information per second throughout our entire systems, whereas our logical mind only controls 40 bits per second.

What do you think is pulling the strings of your life? Your almighty subconscious or your conscious thoughts?

Okay, so at this point, you may be wondering what all of this has to do with trauma bonding and Cognitive Dissonance?

Well, everything!

Your mind will come up with all the excuses and justifications to create the validity of the traumatic program.

The brain, with its limited power, defaults to agree with the powerhouse of the already existing subconscious programs.

As revolutionary neuroscientist, Dr. Joe Dispenza says, “The brain follows the body always”.

 

How Do You Escape Trauma Bonding and Cognitive Dissonance?

I will share with you how I achieved this.

I completely embraced that the Inner Belief systems I had in relation to love and relationships were filled with pain. All of my life I had felt unloved, unlovable and unworthy of love.

And of course, I’d been attempting to cover this up. I’d been trying to be worthy of love with all my might, by trying to be what I needed to be for others to love me.

Additionally, I realised that I had been making the excuses and justifications to stay with people who hurt me, and I tried to change and fix them, rather than let go and heal myself.

To rectify this, once and for all, I knew my life going forward had to be an inside job.

It was all between me and me. Focusing on anybody else was not going to give me my emancipation from this.

Most people, before understanding the deeper truths, when attempting to heal from Cognitive Dissonance try to address the problem at a level that it doesn’t exist.

They try to do it logically. The problem exists in the subconscious, not in the cognitive mind.

The issue is not the thoughts that are the “reasons” you are staying attached. These thoughts are a symptom of what is going on in the subconscious programs. Unless the subconscious programs are addressed, the thoughts will keep coming back, because the brain is following the body.

It doesn’t matter how much we talk, research and even get cognitive therapy, we may be able to hold healthier decisions for a short amount of time, yet the powerhouse of the 40 billion bits per second will have its way.

A deep shift has to happen on the inside of you, within your Inner Identity, and then your brain will follow.

Are you having the epiphany yet about why you are coming up with reasons and justifications for staying attached, or breaking no contact, or trying to go in and get accountability even though you know you can’t? Despite knowing how much extra pain it brings every time you do it?

Is it becoming clear to you what is really going on deep within you beneath the level of your conscious understanding?

If you really do get it now, I want you to stop this video and write below, “Bingo! I get it!”

That’s essential if you are going to break free from this.

You can’t know the following that I’m about to share with you, until you get to the other side of this, but I promise you it is true.

Organically, without these traumas, you are a whole, self-generative, self-honouring person who would no sooner be connected to painful and traumatic love, than a health-conscious person would eat a greasy hamburger.

I hope that this has truly helped.

Okay, so if you have had enough of the pain, and you know it’s your time to become healthy on the inside, then that’s precisely the healing work I provide.

All you need to do to get started is click this link. 

And, if you enjoyed this video please give it a like, and share with people who you know are stuck in justifications that are keeping them bonded with people who are hurting them.

And, as always, I am so looking forward to answering your comments and questions below.

 

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child visitation after divorce

Child Visitation After Divorce: How My Narcissistic Ex Is Using It Against My Children

child visitation after divorce

 

My divorce never hit me. I was contently past all the stages of grief on the day of my divorce. I was free and so eager to start anew. (I even agreed to attempt reconciliation with my ex post-divorce, but that’s a story for another day.)

Some months later, I moved back to the town I had grown up in. My boys, then seven and eight, moved with me. It felt great to be starting fresh and to be surrounded by family and my childhood girlfriends again.

My boys and I did get the I’m-so-sorry-face from everyone we knew. But despite the catastrophe that others saw, I was relieved, happy, and shame-free to be divorced. I could breathe again, and my life was my own again. Or so I thought…

Given my move, I had agreed to my ex-husband, aka WASband, seeing our boys virtually every weekend and agreed that he could have the boys visit him at his home 400 miles away on any given weekend.

Child Visitation After Divorce

My ex abused my trust.

My WASband turned our flexible visitation agreement into a nightmare for my boys. He insisted that every visit be in Los Angeles in his world. I had agreed to this and he had a legal contract to enforce it.

So, our children traveled from San Francisco to Los Angeles and then back again three to four weekends each month during the school year.

He didn’t care that virtually every Friday his children spent four hours or more traveling to him and four hours or more on Sundays traveling back.

He didn’t care if the children were sick.

He didn’t care if they missed the one and only birthday party they got invited to.

He didn’t care if they weren’t making friends at their new school.

He didn’t care if our son cried and cried over not being able to compete in his once-a-year Tae Kwon Do championship.

He didn’t care if their Friday flight was canceled by the airline. He made them take the 6:00 am flight on Saturday morning only to fly back on Sunday.

He didn’t care if the children were exhausted from all the travel.

He didn’t care if they couldn’t join the basketball team because of weekend games.

He just didn’t care. It was a zero-exceptions contract that I had agreed to.

My WASband’s words were, I am NOT willing to spend my custodial time in Northern California. There was intense hatred towards me in that single sentence. Each time I asked for some flexibility for our children, those words were written back to me in bigger, bolder font along with, My position hasn’t changed.

I had made a huge mistake.

I had willingly given a narcissist full discretion to decide where and how he spends time with our children assuming that he would be reasonable when it came to the children.

I don’t know if he saw their tears. I wiped them.

I don’t know if he heard their screams. Some days that’s all I heard.

He denied their pain. I couldn’t.

I don’t know if he realized their isolation. I saw it.

Over and over I begged a father to accommodate his children’s needs. Each time he refused.

There came a time when my children cried, I know the answer is no. The answer is always no. Then came a time when they no longer asked.

My ex now controlled the boys with custody.  

Spending his time with his children in Los Angeles trumped all else. He was blind to their physical health, their social development, and their emotions. He had to have control: It’s okay for [our son] to miss a birthday party in order to spend quality time with his father.

Of course, nothing was preventing this father from accompanying his son to this one and only birthday party that his son had been invited to all year.

And my ex also controlled me with custody.

When I mailed out a birthday card over summer break and asked my WASband to give the card to our son, my ex responded, “You should do that personally, meaning during your own custodial time.”

This was emotional abuse at its worst.

The control and emotional abuse I thought I had escaped resurfaced like a newer, stronger virus. This time, while aimed at me, it was infecting our children. The children weren’t doing well socially or emotionally.  Despite multiple pediatricians’ recommendations for immediate therapy for our children, my ex refused to consent.

Since the divorce and move my older son had begun to break out crying and screaming for no apparent reason. Of course, I knew the reason; he wasn’t coping well with his parent’s separation.

He was eight-years-old at the time and completely non-verbal about our divorce. He didn’t want to talk, or discuss, or listen to anything related to his mom and dad no longer living together.

Over the course of a year and a half, even after two pediatricians independently witnessed my older son have such an emotional meltdown including throwing himself around the room, my WASband maintained that my son didn’t need therapy.

The emotional outbursts became more frequent, became more intense and shifted from crying and screaming to also verbally threatening his family and physically hurting those around him.

Family court was a game of poker.

With no other resolution in sight, I turned to the Court for help. My children were in danger if nothing changed.

That journey through Court was long, expensive, and made unreasonably longer and more expensive by my ex on the other side. (During our eight-year marriage my ex had been in constant litigation all eight years; he sued all his business partners from multiple businesses, a dentist who voluntarily admitted a mistake, and an employee of a Fortune 500 company knowing the company would pay him damages just to avoid litigation).

I should have known better. My ex had no qualms or limits in abusing the legal system. He was an eye-for-an-eye man once he convinced himself that you had slighted him.

So, my ex showed up in Court with thick, oversized, zero-prescription eyeglasses and a bow tie to complete his geekiest Caltech persona. A charming serial entrepreneur with 20-20 vision (the one I had married) now sat disguised as a nerdy engineer in an effort to explain away his complete inflexibility in co-parenting his children.

He claimed he was an engineer who was scrambling to make ends meet and whose employer had been loaning him money for personal expenses. The fact was that he owned the company he worked for!

He showed virtually no income and no assets all the while affording private flying lessons, affording aircraft rentals, and paying his parents and extended family from business profits.

And so, a game of poker with the judges ensued. The first judge had enough common sense and provided temporary relief for the children from all the travel. This judge saw the thousands of pages of written communication between my ex and me as a complete breakdown of communication.

But he retired. Then a second judge with a completely different common sense, had me pay my ex’s attorney fees and didn’t bat an eye at the amount of travel our children were doing between San Francisco and Los Angeles.

This new judge wanted proof to correlate sickness to excessive travel. Common sense wasn’t good enough. This new judge saw the thousands of pages of written communication between my ex and me as normal negotiation.

This judge saw my wealth against my poor Caltech-graduate WASband with his fake glasses and bow tie, who had no car in his name, no property in his name, who for years had paid his company’s profits to his extended relatives.

In retaliation to me going to Court, my ex had convinced himself that he needed $30,000 per month to support our children. And since he could afford neither a car nor housing, he wanted me to now support a new lifestyle for him, complete with private jet travel, five-star hotels, and much more.

A third judge put an end to my ex’s non-sense; my WASband got his child support but an amount which I proposed to the Court based on facts instead of exaggerations. Disappointed with this outcome, my ex filed two more cases trying to get exorbitant amounts of money from me.

Those cases, while dismissed, still took an emotional and financial toll. I’ve learned now that it’s a matter of time before my WASband sues me again.

Court was a two-year war. And war is never good.

One of my sons got therapy after two years of jumping through all the Court’s hoops. My children’s travel was slightly reduced and many smaller issues were resolved. Yet the Court was fooled by a narcissist.

The Court didn’t approve therapy for my younger son because I didn’t have any evidence for its need. So, now a year later when my younger son says, “I will kill myself,” and my WASband still refuses therapy for him, am I to return to Court?

The Family Court that deals with divorced families and children couldn’t see this coming? I could.

This Court that also ordered my ex to spend the first weekend a month in Northern California because it coincided with the Tae Kwon Do schedule didn’t think to make it an order that my WASband actually take the children to these Tae Kwon Do events.

The Court couldn’t catch the narcissist in disguise. How am I to point out this mistake to the Court? With another trial and 2-year battle? No thank you.

Life, Uh, Finds a Way.

For nearly three years now, my children have been traveling between San Francisco and Los Angeles nearly every weekend. Yes, it’s hard and unheard of, but the one weekend each month we have together is better than ever.

We miss most of the special school events, but we did go to one dance last year and I caught my boys on camera doing the Floss with their classmates!

We do miss most of the special Tae Kwon Do events, but every now and then the stars line up and we get to go to the one we get to go to!

We do miss most family get togethers, so now many of my nine first cousins go out of their way to have our children meet.

For over two years now, my WASband has been telling our children: Your mom is a liar. Her entire family lies. It’s her fault; she’s the one that divorced me. He shows them snippets of court documents to prove his story with evidence.

Sadly, my nine and ten-year-old children are versed in court vocabulary including evidence, exhibits, credibility, and legal contracts. My WASband tells my older son:  You go to therapy because you have mental problems. Your mom forced you to go to therapy.

You’ll be in therapy for your whole life.

You need to lose weight. You need to get in shape.

Are you trying to gain weight?

He tells our children: Do you have any Indian friends? I’ll arrange a playdate [on my visits to San Francisco] if your friends are Indian.

This type of abuse attacks every aspect of their lives. There may never be a respite from this.

My children began coming back to me on Sundays, especially after long holidays, and telling me: You’re a liar. A big fat liar because you don’t have any evidence. Daddy has evidence. I was caught off-guard, hurt, and defensive.

My co-parenting counselor (not to mention others) advised me to open up to my children, but mostly all I could say was: These are adult issues. Children shouldn’t be worried about these things. I will tell you when you’re seventeen or eighteen. Your Daddy loves you, but some of these things he is doing and saying are wrong. And he may never change. You have to be stronger.

After two years of this, there are still new frustrations, more confusion, and deeper wounds but my children are finding their way. They tell me: Mommy, you have to be stronger!

And I am stronger because I chose to be free. My marriage was bad and the aftermath of my divorce worse, but I am free. I’ve begun to learn to allow myself to resign all outcomes to a higher power when I need to.

I’ve learned that there’s nothing that can break me. I’ve been shattered more than once, and I’ve gotten up to collect and put myself back together each time. I don’t hate my ex; it’s as if my body or mind or soul has decided that this person doesn’t deserve even my hatred.

I pray for his peace of mind, I tell my children to send love towards Daddy, and I’ve never been one to pray. Whenever I remember, I tell my children to say something nice about someone else each night.

I’ve learned to hug and cuddle. My children wonder: Why have you gone all lovey-dovey. I suppose it’s because love is all that remains for me.

The post Child Visitation After Divorce: How My Narcissistic Ex Is Using It Against My Children appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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Let’s Talk Divorce: 4 Games Narcissistic Men Play After The Divorce Is Final

Let’s Talk Divorce: 4 Games Narcissistic Men Play After The Divorce Is Final

 

Life after divorce from a narcissist can be far more tumultuous than when you were married. After the divorce, life for the narcissist is all about creating drama, drawing attention to themselves and making your life as miserable as possible.

For you, life after divorce is about getting results, civility, co-parenting and attempting to get along with the narcissist.

And that is where you and the narcissist differ. The narcissist doesn’t care about civility, they care about you paying for some unspecified harm you’ve done to them. You’re an ethical person, a narcissist is an unethical person. For this reason, there can’t be a civil relationship post-divorce. The narcissist is going to insist on doing battle and there is no way you can win if you engage in a battle with a narcissist.

There will be no civil co-parenting, there will be no negotiating but you will be besieged with emotional turmoil if you attempt to play fair…which is in your nature to do.

The video above will help you understand what is happening if you’re in the midst of it or, help you prepare for what’s coming if you’re still in the process of divorce.

4 Games Narcissistic Men Play After Divorce

1. They make promises they have no intention of keeping.

This starts during the divorce process. They will sign a divorce settlement agreement promising to do this, that and the other thing with no intention to follow the final divorce decree. If you have a divorce decree that state’s the narcissist is to buy you out of your portion of the equity in the marital home within 9 months, those months will go by with the narcissist taking no steps to buy you out. You’ll be in and out of court attempting to get the narcissist to follow through with the court-ordered promises he made.

That is the method of operation for the narcissist, agree but don’t follow through.

2. They play the victim.

In order to play the victim, he needs a victimizer and, that is YOU. He will tell his sad tale to anyone who will hold still long enough for him to bend their ear. He will use his children, his relatives, your friends, his friends, your family, and his family in an attempt to appear to be the victim in your divorce story.

He needs to smear your name and character in order to play that role and, the icing on the cake, it leaves you with few people to offer you support during a time when you need it most.

Even if he is the one who left and wanted the divorce, he will find some way to become the victim of the divorce. Count on it!

3. They will try to exact revenge.

They will use your children against you. What better way to get revenge on a mother than turn her children against her? Some go as far as completely alienating children from their mothers. It’s not that they want the children but their desire to cause you pain and emotional harm trumps their feelings for their children.

If you’re in a relationship they will do everything in their power to stall that relationship or break it up. The last thing they want is for you to find happiness with another man!

Your narcissistic ex knows you, he knows what you hold most dear in life and, all bets are off when it comes to him using whatever that is the exact revenge on you.

4. They will become very passive-aggressive.

They will appear to negotiate, appear to be concerned, appear to be on board with whatever you need for yourself or their children. Until that is, it comes time to follow through on what they’ve agreed to. They bait and switch you after you’ve given the very information they needed to be able to withhold what you or their children need from them.

This can be very confusing but, expect it!

What can you do about their games?

Don’t do what they want you to do…engage with them!

Don’t retaliate! They want to anger you, piss you off, cause you to fight back. They want you to look like the nut. Don’t give them the satisfaction. Whatever he does or says, NEVER let him know that you even noticed he was being an asshole.

Stop expecting recognition of your or your children’s needs. Lower your expectations of your narcissistic ex as low as they will possibly go.

The only way to win the battle with a narcissist is to remove yourself from the battlefield.

The post Let’s Talk Divorce: 4 Games Narcissistic Men Play After The Divorce Is Final appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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How To Rebuild Your Life After Narcissistic Abuse (No Matter How Much You’ve Lost)

How To Rebuild Your Life After Narcissistic Abuse (No Matter How Much You’ve Lost)

 

There are so many losses after narcissistic abuse.  It can be daunting to lose yourself, your health, family and friends as well as resources and finances.

Today, I share how to rebuild your self, health, important relationships and financial prosperity after narcissistic abuse.

Regardless of how old you are, how damaged you feel, how much you have lost and even if you believe that recovery and rebuild is impossible.

I promise you it is possible when you know how.

 

 

Video Transcript

Losses are extreme with narcissistic abuse.

Loss of health, life force, resources, prosperity, and the energy, inspiration and hope to go forward and generate a new future.

I know how devastating this is, and I promise you I’ve been there on all these levels.

However, I want you to know there is a way to rebuild your life after narcissistic abuse. Myself, and so many others in this Thriver Community have achieved this spectacularly, against all odds and even despite so-called unhealable medical diagnoses.

By watching this video hopefully, I can inspire you to know that there is a wonderful life available for you after narcissistic abuse, no matter how much you have lost.

Today, we are going to look deeply at the different losses and how you can rebuild from them.

But before we do, I’d like to thank all of you who have supported the Thriver mission by subscribing to my channel. If you haven’t yet, please do. Also make sure that you hit the like button, and if you enjoy this video, share with others who you know it can help.

Okay so on to this episode!

 

Loss Of Self

After narcissistic abuse it is usual to feel like you’ve lost your life-force and your well-being.
You may even believe your life is over, and can’t imagine what it would feel like to be normal or healthy again.

Of course, initially we want things to change in our circumstances, such as the narcissist to be held accountable, or for some good fortune to turn everything around, or even for a wonderful person to come into our life to pick us up and save us from all of this trauma and devastation.

Maybe you just want to wake up from the nightmare that has become your life.

But the truth is no one is coming, and your Inner Being, which is the foundational basis of your entire life, is waiting for you to turn inwards and be your own rescuer.

And of course, initially you feel like you don’t have the health, sanity or inner resources to save yourself.

Yet, the total irony is we can’t recover and rebuild ourselves until we do turn inwards with the intention to be our own saviour.

Self-partnering is vital.

In fact, it’s crucial.

And the reason it is, is because it puts you back inside your body.

You may think that the anxiety, depression and trauma is a result of what has happened to you. Yes it is, however, it is continuing and not being resolved, if you don’t turn inwards to meet these conditions and heal yourself back to wholeness.

That is exactly what self-partnering is about, and it is the very first essential step of Thriver Recovery. In fact, it’s what the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program (NARP) is all about – learning how to turn inwards to find, load up, and release all of the trauma that is generating your trauma and abuse symptoms, and replacing this with your Highest Source, which creates the shift to heal you.

This process can’t happen without self-partnering.

As a result of self-partnering, you will organically start shifting into the knowing that you are lovable and worthy, and as an adult capable of generating your own security and survival.

This is when the prior abuse trauma from the narcissist and the narcissist’s attempts to derail and terrorise you will all melt away.

I promise you that these capacities don’t come from outside of you, they need to be healed up from inside of you.

By doing so you will evolve beyond the fractures, trauma, and anxiety of having handed your power away to abusive people who did not have your best interests at heart.

 

Loss Of People

Inevitably, as a result of narcissistic abuse, relationships in your life may get smashed to pieces.

It is horrifying how narcissists have the ability to smear you, discredit you and turn people in your life against you. You may have lost family members, friends, associates and maybe even been alienated from your own children.

I know that this is beyond cruel, and my heart goes out to you if you have experienced these dreadful things.

And I really want to inspire you to know that staying stuck in the terrible trauma and victimisation will only mean that these circumstances can’t shift in your life.

It is completely understandable why you would be stuck in these feelings, and I totally validate you in that place, but there is a much more effective solution and way to deal with this.

With myself, and so many other people that I have helped achieve true healing with NARP, we discovered that when we released the trauma of these terrible injustices, smearing and alienation that we suffered, our Inner Being shifted, and then the outer started to shift to match this.

This is how powerful we are – we are Quantum Creators from the inside out.

People come back. The narcissist gets caught out. Loved ones return.

All sorts of miracles happen. I promise you this with all my heart.

There are numerous people in this community who have been reunited with people and their children who they were alienating from (some for decades), as a result of letting go of all the pain, resentment and heartbreak with NARP modules.

The complete and utter irony is, when you are at peace and only feel love in your heart without pain regardless of the outer circumstances, that’s when the outer circumstances powerfully shift.

This is the secret to changing our life, including our most important relationships. When we use Quantum Tools to achieve this, it becomes powerfully possible.

 

Health Losses

So many of us have been devastated by terrible health conditions as a result of narcissistic abuse. Trauma creates this. Eventually, not just your emotions break down, but also your physical being.

I know so many people, myself included, who were given shocking diagnoses as a result of the breakdowns of narcissistic abuse. So many of us were told that our emotional, adrenal, or mental breakdowns as well as PTSD, fibromyalgia, adrenal malfunctions and nervous system disorders, such as agoraphobia, could never be truly healed and at best, we could only hope to manage them with medication and strategies.

This is not true recovery; this is simply trying to exist with the trauma generated symptoms of abuse still active within you.

Now myself, and so many others, know that there is a true recovery solution for our abuse symptoms. Namely, releasing the trauma from within your Inner Being that is generating these symptoms.

When you do this, you allow well being to enter the space where the dis-ease once was, and you have the ultimate potential to get well.

Maybe, even more well than you have been in your entire life, even before abuse.

This is the resurrection that is totally possible for you … truly.

Myself and so many others have achieved this, fully. We no longer suffer any narcissistic abuse trauma symptoms.

 

Financial Losses

A big part of narcissistic abuse is financial abuse. It is a widespread devastation in this Community.

So many people ask, “How DO I get over the financial abuse?”, “How can I leave when I am financially dependent on the narcissist?” and “How will I ever rebuild my life again?”

Financial abuse can be a dreadful injury in our life, and I promise you it was initially a massive challenge for me. Originally, I just wanted to somehow get up off the ground and rebuild what I lost. But the more I tried to do that, without facing my inner healing, the more powerless I felt.

I just didn’t have what it took to get up and get going again, and I wasn’t meant to. Because the time had come where I needed to deeply investigate and heal the reasons why I had suffered such financial devastation at the hands of abusers.

Something incredible happened when I started to clean that up. I felt relief, I felt wholeness inside that was no longer reliant on me having to have a certain thing or be a certain way.

It was just an organic peace. And from that place, with newly formed and anchored-in belief systems regarding my ability to be a generator of prosperity, with all of the healthy components of life, I started to blossom.

I was able to start actualising a rebuild from complete and total financial devastation. Solutions and assistance came. Support came. Opportunities and synchronicity and even miracles started entering my life granting me the abundance that I was already feeling in regard to loving and accepting myself unconditionally, regardless of what I did or didn’t have in my life.

I have seen so many Thrivers in this community rebuild their lives financially after narcissistic abuse, as a result of releasing and healing their internal financial traumas with NARP.

Many of these people were in midlife and beyond. Some of them had not worked for decades, and were even left with zero finances or shocking debt as a result of the abuse.

Yet, they were able to come back in ways and timeframes that were astounding, once the trauma was released and Life Force, in abundance, was able to flow through them as them.

And I know, as a result of deeply working on your Inner Being with my Quantum Tools in NARP, that you will have exactly the same opportunity to turn it all around.

 

How Our Losses Are Deeply Interconnected

I completely and utterly believe that a relationship with self, health, others, and finances is all deeply interconnected.

To holistically become healthy, whole, self-generative and flourished and nourished by Life Force itself, as well as being able to abundantly expand and express our mission and purpose on this planet, all of these areas of our life require our inner attention.

These are the four areas that we commonly experience grave loss in as a result of narcissistic abuse, and the good news is that we can directly address them to heal them beyond description.

You see, there is an incredible radical compensation that occurs after narcissistic abuse, when we turn inwards, to claim and activate the healing of Self. What wasn’t right, resets to becoming healthier than we could ever imagine in our wildest dreams.

That is the Thriver Way!

And I can’t wait for this to be your Thriver reality as well.

If this is what you want for you, take the stand with me by pausing this video and writing below “It is my time to reclaim my self, soul and life!”

Okay, so now, you can check out my NARP program, that will activate deep healing for you, by clicking this link.

If you haven’t yet subscribed, I’d love you to please do it, so that you will be notified about each new episode when it is released.

Please also share this video with the people who you know have experienced terrible loss as a result of narcissistic abuse. The people who you know need hope and a solution.

And as always I look forward to answering your comments and your questions below.

 

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Divorce Tip Tuesday: The Emotional Harm a Narcissistic Parent Can Cause Their Children During Divorce

Divorce Tip Tuesday: The Emotional Harm a Narcissistic Parent Can Cause Their Children During Divorce

Emotional Harm a Narcissistic Parent Can Cause

Narcissistic parents harm their children whether there is a divorce or not. Add divorce to the mix and the narcissist become vindictive, suffers a narcissistic injury and goes full-force vindictive.
It’s almost as if they are hell-bent on making their ex and children pay for the suffering they are experiencing do to the narcissistic injury.

With a lack of insight into their behavior the narcissist is either unable to see the damage they do, or, due to their lack of empathy doesn’t care about the damage they do. If you’re the other parent, I’m sharing insights into their behavior plus personal experiences from my son’s relationship with their narcissistic father.

8 Ways the Narcissistic Parent Can Cause Harm

1. Your Child Won’t Be Heard or Validated

As I’ve said in the video, the narcissist doesn’t consider consequences before acting and if he doesn’t something that hurts your child, he doesn’t consider your child’s voice or opinion. He doesn’t care or take into consideration how his actions impact his children. Only he deserves validation, everyone else will be immediately shut down by him.

2. Your Child Will Learn That Being Real Isn’t Safe

The narcissistic parent defines what is and isn’t real. If your daughter is uncomfortable meeting his new girlfriend, he will dismiss her discomfort and something she is making up because of what she has heard from her Mom. If your son writes an email that is grammatically correct with no spelling errors he will accuse the son of letting Mom write the email. The narcissistic parent deflects what is real to your child onto what is real to him.

3. The Narcissist Will Share Too Much With Your Child

No information is sacred to the narcissistic parent. No child’s emotional state is of importance to the narcissistic parent. If it’s information that can make you look back, it will be shared with their child and the child will be told it’s a secret. “Don’t tell Mom.” This puts the child in the precarious position of having to carry around harmful information and no one to soothe their emotional upheaval.

4. Your Child Won’t Be Emotionally Nourished.

Asking for or expecting emotional nourishment from a narcissist is like asking a 2-year-old to carry on a conversation about quantum physics. They don’t have the emotional IQ to offer other’s emotional nourishment. And, if it is offered, it’s only because the narcissist is in a situation of trying to look good in front of others.

5. Your Child Is Expected To Be There For The Narcissistic Parent

The narcissistic parent won’t be there for the child. My ex goes 6 and 7 years at a time without contacting or seeing his sons. Why? Because he thinks it is their place to contact him. It is their place to be there for him, not the other way around. It’s sick!

6. Your Child’s Needs Won’t Be Met

The narcissistic parent cares about no one’s needs but their own. They will plow right over their own children if it means getting their needs met. They, at no time, put any thought or effort into meeting their children’s needs. This can lead to feelings of worthlessness in your child and it’s imperative that you take up the slack when it comes to meeting their needs.

7. The Narcissistic Parent Will Shame and Humiliate Their Child

If it will make the narcissist feel better about themselves they have no qualms about shaming and humiliating their child in front of others. They will compare your child to others, disparaging the way your child dresses or even looks. This can lead to low self-esteem in your child and I, personally have no problem with you telling your child that their father is sick and twisted and unable to behave like an adult.

8. Your Child May Suffer Mental Health Issues

There is a high probability that exposure to the narcissistic parent will cause PTSD symptoms, depression, anxiety and other mental health issues in your child. My youngest was diagnosed with Bi-Polar disorder at 17-years-old. After my ex had a session with the psychiatrist, the psychiatrist told me this, “That fucking narcissist has nearly destroyed his son’s life.”

Please, at the first sign of distress, get your child into therapy.

Parenting The Child With a Narcissistic Parent

Empathetic Parenting

The narcissistic parent, parents without empathy. They have no ability to feel empathy so it only makes sense they would parent without it. You have to do the opposite and parent with empathy and love.

To maintain a close bond with your children, it is essential for you to focus on being lovingly responsive in your interactions with them. You want to relate well with them, sense what they are feeling, help them put their thoughts and feelings into words, and anticipate their reactions as well as their needs.

Validate Their Feelings

Validating a child means letting them share their thoughts and feelings without judging, criticizing, ridiculing or abandoning them. You let your child feel heard and understood. You convey that you love and accept them no matter what they’re feeling or thinking.

Coach Your Child Through Negative Emotions

Emotion coaching is the practice of talking with children about their feelings and offering kids concrete strategies for coping with emotionally difficult situations.

Get Them Into Therapy

In the video, I advise parents to get their children in therapy at the first sign of distress. If you’re 100 percent sure your are dealing with a narcissistic ex, you may not want to wait until you see signs of distress.

If you can do the 4 things above you have a very good chance of countering the harm the narcissistic parent will do. You have the opportunity to counterbalance and fill up the gaping holes the narcissistic parent will leave in your child’s heart.

The post Divorce Tip Tuesday: The Emotional Harm a Narcissistic Parent Can Cause Their Children During Divorce appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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narcissistic men fear the most

10 Things That Narcissistic Men Fear The Most

narcissistic men fear the most

 

Narcissists are not brave individuals. Despite their puffed up chest, they are scared little paper tigers that can easily be blown away by anyone who catches wind of their antics.

In this article, I will go over 10 things narcissists hate & fear the most.

I think you will find that their fears and hatred are comical in nature, as well as outstandingly pathetic.

10 Things Narcissistic Men Fear the Most

1. Shame

Shame is unpleasant for everyone but for the narcissist, it’s absolutely horrifying. The main reason is that shame could negatively impact his reputation and give him a lower status in his social circle.

Since narcissists live for being admired and their pride is of great importance doing something that could make the narcissist look bad in the eyes of others or make them feel ashamed is one of the most dreaded experiences for them.

2. Rejection

The narcissist usually puts on a mask so that they can be accepted and liked by others. They wouldn’t admit that anyone could be put off by their egotistic character.

If a person decides to leave the narcissist’s life, the latter will take it personally and will surely try to bring the other person back.

However, if they don’t succeed they’ll probably start slandering about their former friend.

The reason for such a behavior is that behind the narcissist’s fake attitude lies a frightened, little soul who is terrified that they aren’t good enough, but they would never say it openly. They’ll be likely to do whatever it takes to keep their reputation.

3. Failure

Narcissists fear failure or being outshined. They just can’t accept there’s someone out there who’s better than them. On top of that, if a narcissist can’t achieve their goal, they will always blame someone else about it, even if it is obvious that it’s entirely their fault.

They usually blame their closest people to have hindered them from succeeding. This is actually the only way to feel a bit better about their failure.

4. Getting Called Out on Their Lies

Narcissists are famous for lying or exaggerating certain things to make themselves appear more important or impressive. They also do this to make themselves feel better about their own standing in society.

So it’s only logical that one of a narcissists’ greatest fears is having those lies and exaggerations exposed. It’s not just that getting called out would bring them shame, or show them as less than what they are – it’s the fact that it reveals to the world how weak and insecure they really are.

It brings their whole fake world crashing down around them, and as already stated, narcissists think the world revolves around them. And while they are spinning their lies and exaggerations about their own accomplishments, part of them knows deep down that they’re stretching the truth. And from the minute they start telling these lies, they become incredibly paranoid about the fact that someone might one day uncover them. 

5. Feeling Remorse 

Another key characteristic of narcissism is the inability to feel remorse. It’s not just that they can’t feel remorse, it’s that they actively refuse to show remorse. This fierce rejection of the very notion of feeling bad about hurting others is indicative of very deep fear.

It’s a total denial of remorse. And why do they fear remorse so much? It’s simple. To them, remorse is a characteristic of weakness. Remorse, to them, shows vulnerability and emotional frailty. And to feel remorse is to open yourself up to that weakness.

Remorse is also in its basest form the acceptance that you have made a mistake. And for proud and haughty individuals such as narcissists, this can be unthinkable. More than that – it can be a major source of fear. Remorse is also a way of apologizing, and this is also unthinkable for self-aggrandizing people with narcissistic traits.

6. Feeling Gratitude

Another feeling that narcissists reject and fear is gratitude. Gratitude, like remorse, is another emotion that is perceived as a sign of weakness by people who are narcissistic. To the narcissist, gratitude is in a sense giving other people power over yourself.

It’s the acceptance that you owe something to someone. It also forces you to come to terms with the fact that you might have needed someone else’s help. To narcissistic people, they think of themselves as these all-powerful beings that rise far above others in superiority.

The acceptance that someone else did something valuable for them brings them crashing back down to earth. The notion that someone else gave them something they needed not only puts them on the same level as others, it also makes them feel like they’re weaker, or lower down on the social ladder. And this is one of the narcissistic man’s greatest fears.

7. Public Humiliation

When a narcissist feels that he’s losing face or failing at something in front of an audience, it creates a lot of psychological distress and cognitive dissonance. Narcissists are unable to tolerate failure of any sort and public humiliation is considered the worst type of failure that could happen.

A narcissist’s ego is an extremely fragile thing and when he feels he is being laughed at or is losing the respect of others, it can be tremendously upsetting. The narcissist’s ego is the only protection they have from the world and when their ego integrity is breached, narcissists often respond in ways that seem markedly out of proportion to the circumstances for average people.

Unfortunately, the ego of a narcissist is already so inflated that they never focus on self-growth when in relationships. Their own self-assessment of their worth and value confirm to them that they are already significantly evolved and accomplished.

They are unable to fathom why a partner may be disappointed in their behavior or in the relationship. By being so out-of-touch with the realities of relationships, their reaction to the dissatisfaction of their partners is driven by fear.

8. Abandonment and rejection.

Narcissists are afraid of being rejected or abandoned. That’s why they fly into rages and punish and threaten you if you threaten to leave them, and love bomb you if you do manage to get away.

To reject a narcissist means you are rejecting the false self they have so carefully constructed to impress you. To reject that false self negates their entire reason for existing since whatever true self they may have left is completely inaccessible to them and the false self cannot survive on its own; it’s completely dependent on the approval and attention of others, who it feeds from like a vampire.

When you reject a narcissist they are forced to confront their own emptiness and nothing scares them more than that. They will fight tooth and nail to avoid it, even if it means they have to destroy you in the process.

9. Being ignored.

This is a no-brainer. Ignoring a narcissist means giving them no supply at all, and without narcissistic supply, the narcissist dies a slow death. Or believes they will.

That’s why some narcissists would even rather being hated to being ignored. Negative attention is still attention, and at least it provides an acknowledgment that they still exist.

When you ignore a narcissist, it’s as frightening to them as being killed. They’re no longer confident they exist without your attention.

10. Exposure.

Exposing a narcissist and their false lives cause deep anger in them. Their anger might be expressed in rage or in more covert means such as the silent treatment or gaslighting you. They don’t like to be held accountable for the things they do to others, because that means they have to admit they are less than perfect.

It also means they have to acknowledge the humanity of someone else, which they aren’t capable of doing. Narcissists are all too aware of their imperfections, but only at the subconscious level, and the way they handle this is to project their own imperfections onto you.

So a narcissist might tell you that YOU are the narcissistic one, or that YOU are the abuser. They’re also good at getting others to side against you, and those people become their flying monkeys. They will accuse you of doing things that they themselves have done and everyone believes them and not you.

The post 10 Things That Narcissistic Men Fear The Most appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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