Is there any greater devastation than narcissistic abuse?
Many of us would say ABSOLUTELY not.
Is there an end to the agony?
Again, many people will tell you it takes a LOT of effort and time, and for many relief and healing doesn’t ever happen.
I really want you to know this isn’t true…
If you understand and start doing the things that I outline in today’s Thriver TV episode, the pain WILL end … in faster and more incredible ways that you could ever imagine.
Narcissistic abuse is agonising, and I think we can all agree that it is the worst thing we can imagine going through.
How do we end such horrific, unliveable, unthinkable trauma?
Many people will tell you that you can’t get out of the pain either quickly or easily, even if you do get away from a narcissist. And they tell you that it could take you years, if not decades, to try to recover.
I’m here to tell you that this is NOT true.
If you are in the terrible trauma of narcissistic abuse, no matter what it is that you are feeling, have lost or how old you are, I want you to know more than anything that there is a way out of the pain, and not just into mere survival of what you have been through – but truly a transcendence into the Thriving that your soul always intended you to live.
Today I’m going to show you how to connect to that soul truth.
I am a living example of how to do this. With narcissistic number one, it took me a gruelling 18 months after finally leaving to get out of the minute-to-minute and sometimes second-to-second agony of feeling like I had a terrifying, agonising virus; a virus living inside of me that continually sucked my life force and made living virtually unbearable.
I’m not alone – I know you know exactly what I am talking about.
And the torment only stopped because finally I had the answers regarding how to heal.
Then with narcissist number two it took me only three days to detox him and the agony of what I had been through.
It was different this time, because right from the get-go I knew exactly how to do it.
It breaks my heart every time I hear people say, ‘It takes time; it’s a long, hard journey to heal’ or any of the many other limiting beliefs and things we have accepted as true about abuse recovery.
It breaks my heart because I know it doesn’t have to be this way.
The Starting Point To Getting Your Life Back
To be ready for this information you need to want to get better. People say, ‘Of course I want to get better’, yet really when we delve deeply inside ourselves maybe we haven’t had enough of the pain. I know for a long time I wanted to hang on to my victimisation. I can’t speak for you – even though over the last ten years I have worked with thousands of people to help them get better in ways that they thought weren’t even possible. But I will speak from my own experience.
It wasn’t until a consciousness shift that I was even near the goals of recovery, let alone on the field.
It wasn’t until I had had enough of the pain that I was open to look at narcissistic abuse recovery from a completely different angle. I know if I hadn’t finally surrendered to a higher truth about all of this, that I would not have made it. I would not have continued living, let alone be living the life of my dreams. Nor would I have been able to help other people break through to this incredible level of Thriver recovery.
Our starting point needs to be: if what I have been trying to do to get well hasn’t been working, then I must open myself to the possibility of another way.
Giving Up The Outside Focus
How many times have I quoted Pema Chodron in my blogs and talks? I don’t think I’m ever going to get sick of sharing this quote because, for me, it is the most powerfully resonating one regarding narcissistic abuse that I have ever heard.
‘Nothing ever goes away until it has taught us what we need to know.’
As a result of my Thriver Journey, I know 100 per cent that life is happening FOR us and not TO us. I know, also, that it’s excruciatingly difficult to accept this when we are in the bowels of hell with a narcissist.
Additionally, when we are thrown into inner body trauma immediately we go into emotional survival programs that trigger cortisol and adrenalin. It goes something like this: ‘My inner is traumatised so I will look outside myself and try to change my outer environment to try to change my inner trauma.’
This is the most optimal terrain for a narcissist to operate in – where people are disconnected from their own truth trying to negate, fix, change or stop the narcissist doing what they are doing in order to try to feel loved and safe. It doesn’t work.
All it does is disconnect us more and more from our own inner beings, truth, values and choices, and hands the narcissistic our energy. This energy is narcissistic supply, therefore when we are disconnected we are feeding them the exact food that sustains their ability to hurt us and attack us. It is like a drug to them and so they continually want more.
When we believe that things are happening ‘to’ us, we are always going to be in our logic trying to control other people and situations, rather than deeply connecting to ourselves, our inner development and resources and true power, and working out our life from there.
We were lied to by our peers and authorities. We think that’s how life works, addressing what is happening ‘to’ us – but it doesn’t work that way. It’s Wrong Town. It equals handing our power away and is ‘how to lose’. It’s the exact environment that drains us of our energy for narcissists to feed from.
The Relief Of Acceptance
When we can accept ‘This is happening for me’, we shift towards the Highest Path of Infinite Intelligence – the knowing that there is ONLY God, grace, love and perfection in all of this, and that people and situations are catalysts.
If it wasn’t that person doing this, then someone else would be taking their place. It’s not even about that person, it’s about the message they are bringing to us to help us turn inwards, self-examine, up-level and take our power back.
Thank God I had my breakdown on my bathroom floor that day. You see I was stubborn – I had a heap of defence mechanisms and the terror of being inferior, defective, blamed and wrong. I was a good person, but there was no way known in my narcissistic abuse situation that I ever wanted to accept that there was something about me that needed healing. If I blamed him and took no responsibility for my part, then I thought that was serving me by keeping me safe in my righteousness.
Now I know completely differently. This viewpoint was keeping me away for the one thing that was going to get me up and out of this horrific trauma – the healing of myself back to wholeness. Another one of Pema Chodron’s quotes that I love that captures this truth is: ‘If someone comes along and shoots an arrow into your heart, it’s fruitless to stand there and yell at the person. It would be much better to turn your attention to the fact that there’s an arrow in your heart.’
When we remain a victim, we don’t let go of our focus on what happened to us and remove and heal from the arrow in our heart. The following is our reality as a victim: ‘I have no power to change or become anything that will change my life because there was nothing about me that needs to change and become – even though there’s a dirty big arrow in my heart! Therefore, for my life to change and become different I am stuck with hoping something outside of me will change and become different.’
In my life, as it is for all of us, this doesn’t happen. And because I didn’t take on my own healing, meaning I didn’t embrace the gift of my evolution, the wounds festered, and the trauma escalated while I fruitlessly tried to change outer circumstances. I was ignoring the metaphoric arrow in my heart – my unhealed traumas that narcissistic abuse had fully activated. My life nearly ended as a result, and it was only with the last skerrick of my lifeforce left that I had my epiphany to turn inwards and start fully devoting myself to attending to the arrow.
I have seen this happen with so many others as well, that only when finally we have HAD enough of the pain that we decide to give up our victimisation, come inside and start to change and heal the only person that we can change and heal – ourselves.
If we are not prepared to give up our victimisation, then we don’t get better. In all the years that I have been helping people create Thriver recoveries, I have not seen one person make it out to Right Town if they weren’t prepared to turn inwards and do the work to evolve themselves and heal.
What Happens When You Turn Inwards
Something very beautiful and powerful happens when we turn inwards WHEN we give up the notions of ‘I am taking the blame’, ‘The narcissist gets off the hook’ and ‘This must mean I am defective’.
When we accept that ‘This is in my life and it is for me to heal something that I haven’t been able to before now’ and ‘I am turning inwards with the dedication that I would for anyone in my life that I fiercely love and cherish and want to help’, we are replacing self-judgment with self-devotion.
It’s from this intention that we get very interested in finding wounds that have caused us to be hooked into people who are hurting us, so that finally we can let the wounds and these people go.
We start to understand that we are not defective or to blame – rather that we are a part of the human experience which has been steeped in unconsciousness, trauma and survival and that we need inner adjustment and healing to be in a different Love Code; a place where we are able to be in life on a different trajectory than the one we were enmeshed in previously.
Once we start being in contact with the inner parts of ourselves that are stuck in trauma patterns and binds with narcissists, we realise that many of our wounds came from our genetic history and our parents as emotional wounds; wounds that we were born with (nature) and ones that were accentuated in our childhood by the very people who were also carrying these wounds (nurture).
We can also start to understand that our parents were also brought up in conditional ways full of expectations, punishment and emotional abandonment, because of the emphasis they experienced on practical survival. When they were growing up, it was a very rare human who was able to have self-values and truths rather than trying to please others to earn self-love and self-worth.
As children we were incredibly co-dependent; we literally could not cater to our own survival needs. Also, we had no ability to feel whole, worthy and loveable for who we were on the inside. Therefore, if this emotional state wasn’t mirrored back to us effectively by the people close to us who were busy dealing with their own wounds, emotional survival and expectations from others, then we came out of childhood empty.
This is our necessary self-work now – to grow these parts and heal them with self-love and devotion, rather than the premise of powerlessly holding other people responsible and blaming them for them.
When we turn inwards and start doing the Quantum Healing to bring ourselves back to wholeness, we are not just reparenting, we are releasing the traumas from our forebears, the human collective experience and our childhoods. We get to replace these traumas with Source, which is the ultimate integration, wholeness and healing love that takes us wound by wound immediately back to our True Self organic state without our traumas.
Then we become Who We Really Are without the fractures that have been inflicted upon us by other humans whose fractures were inflicted upon them too.
The relief and joy and wholeness we start to feel is indescribable.
Freedom Lies In Gratitude
Would any of this happened if we weren’t smashed to our knees with nowhere else to go?
Dr Joe Dispenza says, ‘When life can no longer go on as normal, this is when we reach the point of personal catharsis.’
Buddha said to the three men that came to him after searching all of the planet – the highest mountains, the deepest oceans and the farthest corners for their divinity, ‘I wasn’t going to tell you where your divinity was until you have exhausted all options, because you wouldn’t have believed me. Your divinity is within you.’
This is so true – Quantum scientists are now asserting that we all have an inner universe that is driving our outer universe.
In the bible, Psalm 82:6 ‘I said, Ye are “gods”.
How have we got so far away from our power and Highest Truth by believing that things are happening to us instead of for us? How have we got away from the Quantum Truth that there is a force that is always positioned for our expansion, evolution and wellbeing, and wants exactly for us what we want for us if we awaken and free ourselves from the traumas and conditioned beliefs that are not the real us.
I know initially when I was a victim in my narcissistic abuse situation, that I believed life, God and pretty much everyone was against me and damning me. Even before narcissistic abuse, I was living with embedded inner traumas that were limiting my life in so many ways. I was existing but I wasn’t living. It was my normal, and back then I would have told you how amazing myself and my life were! But now that I know the difference between then and now, I wouldn’t go back to life before narcissistic abuse for all the tea in china.
I know for the bottom of my soul that narcissistic abuse was what finally drove me back into myself to heal what I needed to – and I am eternally grateful for that.
Make Evolving Your Highest Mission
It took me quite a few years into my recovery journey to learn that the greatest key to truly Thriving after narcissistic abuse is evolving, however, I promise you it is well worth the wait because it is priceless!
Make evolving yourself your highest mission.
This is absolutely how I live my entire life now, before anything else.
I know that if I am not taking care of my side of the road, which means being forever dedicated to my own evolution, out of the trance of human false beliefs and traumas and into my True Self and True Life, that I am not serving anyone or anything in truthful and real ways anyway.
Many people in narcissistic abuse recovery try to heal to get to their dream job, or get a great partner, or rebuild what they lost. Initially I did the same.
Finally, I got it! I realised that of course I needed to look after my survival needs, but there was nothing more important than evolving myself out of the old patterns and traumas that were not serving me. It was about leaning into and healing all those inner places that were preventing me from being free to be me, aligned with my values and truths and truly living.
When I made evolution my greatest focus above all else, I found that the things that were my greatest desires came to me effortlessly. It was as if Source, the greatest force of all Creation, said, ‘Now that you are honouring you, I will grant you more of that. I will honour, partner and fully be with you too.’
Do you think narcissistic abuse remained in my energy field, reality and life after this? No of course it didn’t. And it won’t for you either. The soul contact with a narcissist, the experience, is completed.
This means when you graduate, when you take your evolution with both hands and all of you heart and let go of the things and people that you can’t control – as well as all your internal traumas that these people helped make conscious for you – THEN these people can and will leave your experience.
Like a FedEx parcel that has been delivered, accepted and unwrapped, there is no more need for your door to get knocked on anymore.
Do you understand? Does this ring true for you?
I hope this episode has helped inspire you and has granted you an inner shift that the cells of your body are vibrating with. That is the biggest gift I wish to deliver you in these Thriver TV episodes.
But I want you to know this is only the start, because we have to do the inner work to release and rewire our inner love codes and the relationship trajectories that we have been on.
I invite you to join me to understand more about this in my 16-day free course, which has a lot of free resources to help you get your inner healing journey powerfully started.
And if you want to see more of my videos, please subscribe so that you will be notified as soon as each new one is released. And if you liked this – click like. Also, please share with your communities so that we can help people awaken to these truths.
And as always, I’d love to answer your comments and questions below.
Following the grief over the loss of life in school shootings, I started researching and realized that others were doing the same thing, trying to find the root cause for the extreme rage and motivation to harm others. I knew from a couple of situations that what happens to children during escalated and prolonged family conflict had something to do with these rampages.
A few insights shared on Mic.com:
“A parent’s death or divorce also appears to be a commonality among some of the lone shooters — Adam Lanza (Newtown, 2012), Elliot Rodgers (Santa Barbara, 2014) and Nikolas Cruz (Parkland 2018). Research indicates boys appear to be more at risk than girls when their parents divorce, particularly when it comes to higher suicide rates.
“It’s one brick or thread that could set a child up to have more a vulnerability if someone doesn’t step in and raise a child, teaching them to respect the rights of others and that actions have consequences,” said Richard Warshak, a clinical psychologist at the University of Texas Southwestern Medical Center, and author of Divorce Poison, which explores acrimonious divorce and the psychological effects on children of parental bad-mouthing.
“Divorce sets in motion a set of changes that put kids at risk for problems in behavior.”
Divorce is not “inherently bad” for every child, he says. But there are risks, especially if it changes the family’s financial situation or parents “bad-mouth” each other.
Several studies over three decades show that divorce — especially an acrimonious one — can increase a child’s risk for developing depression, anxiety and engaging in criminal acts.”
These issues aren’t things we discuss often enough, but we should.
I wish I didn’t have a personal experience to validate these findings, but I do. I witnessed it in my own step-sons, when I was too young and without the authority to help them overcome what had happened to them and their mother. And, I didn’t have the right information at the time. I just knew they were suffering, and it seemed like there had to be a way to help them through it. I wish I could have done more to help them avoid failures in those early years, and the loss of one’s life later on.
No, I can’t go back in time, but I can engage leadership, stakeholders and problem-solves across society to do more with what we know now.
- Alissa Sherry
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- ‘Piqui’s Law’: Mother’s Push for Bill Named After Son Murdered by His Father Makes Progress
- Mother of Young Boy Murdered by Father Advocates for ‘Piqui’s Law’
- Men Who Hate Women and the women who seek to eclipse their ferocity
- Parental Alienation and the Unregulated Experts Shattering Children’s Lives
- Inquiry Urged Into ‘Parental Alienation’ Court Experts