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Kick-In-The-Butt Letter To Lucy, 59, in Divorce Recovery

Kick-In-The-Butt Letter To Lucy, 59, in Divorce Recovery

Full divorce recovery means no more pity parties and self doubt! Here’s a kick-in-the-butt letter to jolt you out of the divorce dip blues and get your divorce recovery back on track. A must read!

The post Kick-In-The-Butt Letter To Lucy, 59, in Divorce Recovery appeared first on Divorce Magazine.

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The #1 Tip to Beat Your Slump in Divorce Recovery

The #1 Tip to Beat Your Slump in Divorce Recovery

Essential divorce recovery tip: Turn off the TV news now, and instantly begin healing from your divorce anger, anxiety and depression. Divorce is brutal enough without a steady diet of angry, negative TV news. Here’s how to do it.

The post The #1 Tip to Beat Your Slump in Divorce Recovery appeared first on Divorce Magazine.

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9 Stages of Recovery from Narcissistic Abuse

Everyone’s experience of recovery from narcissistic abuse is different but through our work with hundreds of people, we have seen the same impact crop up over and over again.  “One of the things that happened when I was going through the shitty relationship, as I call it, was that I lost any identity of who I was or what I felt. I’d spent so many years being told what I was and felt and needed.”

I didn’t trust my own feelings anymore. I didn’t trust my own thoughts anymore.  Every decision felt like a fraud.

I have personally been through recovery and remember exactly what it feels like.  So it is with true empathy for you I write this blog which in turn I hope gives you the strength to heal.  My wish for you is you have a secure base to explore your own feelings and to regain the trust in yourself needed to delve deep for true healing.

I remember we were snuggled up on the sofa. I saw a message come through that said, let me know when I can come f**k you.  And I read that with my own eyes.  And my partner denied that message even existed.

It is important that you understand these stages because you can’t get from Despair to Self Actualising in one step.  It is a process.  The stages are not linear, they are more of a spiral.  A journey around the stages. There is no timescale and no step by step approach, stages are often revisited as things are re-triggered or re-evaluated with a new level of awareness.  But it’s not as scary as it sounds once you know how to spot the stages and exactly what to do to move on.

  • Grief… yes you are experiencing loss

    Empty. Can’t feel anything. Numb. Something is missing. It wasn’t all that bad. No in fact we had some amazing times. What if I just….

    Conflict between your feelings is a common first step. Everything from sadness and missing the person to the stark reality that it’s for the best.

    Grief is felt along with things like anger, physical symptoms, anxiety peaks, frustration with yourself and the narcissist, depression, overwhelm,

    It’s no wonder then most people are doing a lot of bargaining at this point!

    The first first few weeks after I left, I say left, It had been another one of those mornings of “get the f**k out of my house”. It was like it wasn’t happening.

  • I guess this is really it…

    Eventually you just know its done. For good this time. It feels different to all the other times somehow. There’s a realisation you can’t go back. Everything has changed.

    Then often it’s back to shock and denial. What just happened? You’re googling stuff to see what’s normal. You want answers from the narcissist. Is this what love really is? Struggling with your own emotions has become a daily (hourly thing!)
    You maybe even became obsessive about the narcissist. Remembering good times and minimising bad ones. Making their excuses for them like you always have.

    And of course, there’s still things you have to go and collect, you know, if you’re allowed, I was allowed certain belongings and not others.

  • What did I do wrong?

    Google becomes your best friend, you read everything you can on crappy relationships. The words toxic and narcissist keep popping up. You start to see that this is on them. That this isn’t your fault. They did this to you. And that brings up so many feelings.

    Suddenly, I just felt violated and crazy.

    Every conversation and situation is dissected with new eyes. Some articles mention dependency and co-dependency and maybe you start to see the patterns in every relationship you’ve had. Somewhere along the line you ask… why does this keep happening to me? And maybe you can take the next step to thinking about how to protect yourself in the future too.

  • Taking Back Control

    It is all my doing. I’ve allowed it. In a way that was quite empowering when I got to a later stage. Because if it had been all them, if everything was just their responsibility, and I have no role to play, this was going to keep happening again and again and again, in every relationship that I ever had.

    Actually being able to say, well, alright, so I created this, in some weird way, created the opportunity for me to ask, how do I change? What do I do differently? What do I choose for me? How do I make sure that firstly, I never go back? Because I know, despite just being absolutely devastated, I’ve lost the love of my life. And then, how do I make sure I don’t go through this again?

    You feel powerful when you think about the future. Taking control of your life for you. At first you may be over-cautious and harsh with boundaries, seeing red flags when there are none or being hypersensitive. Sometimes that throws you back to the relationship feelings all over again. And it’s natural to be second guessing at this stage. It can be quite isolating too. But this stage of understanding what you do and don’t want in your life is the start of the future.

  • Rebuilding YOU

    Signed up for a boxing class? Taken up an old hobby?
    Been to the pub? You’re starting to feel a bit more like your old self. Getting back into those old routines but as you now see the world differently, it isn’t as comfortable as it once was. There’s still safety in it. Maybe you’re noticing more and more narcissists around you and want to withdraw into your shell. Or perhaps you’ve turned vigilante and want to expose them all?! It’s normal to feel a lot of anger and external blaming. But those first tentative steps back to you have started….

    And to get to the point where you have everything stripped away. And you can just say, this is how it is for me, is a ridiculously powerful thing.

  • Returning

    Some days you will drop back into old feelings. A trigger or event will flip you back.
    But you can see it now for what it is. You have a new sense of the feeling being separate to your identity.
    You feel useless. you are not useless. You feel angry.
    You are not anger. Having a different perspective on the situation gives you that chance to observe whats happening without being drawn in. Wondering how you would have done things differently still floats around but that’s your imagination playing with your new reality. Of all the stages this can feel the most painful because you just want to get over it and it feels never ending.

    I can recognise my feelings. And I understand that they are mine. I own them. Nobody can take away my anger. Nobody can tell me that I shouldn’t be sad. Nobody can tell me that I shouldn’t feel this way. Because I get to choose how I feel. I get to believe my reality.

  • Surviving

    The most important and powerful thing that I learned was how to set my own boundaries. Learning to say no without justifying myself was just mind blowing, truly mind blowing.

    Feeling like you are back on track is weird. There’s not so much that triggers the old feelings these days and sometimes you can even laugh things off. I know. That doesn’t sound real. Your physical symptoms have subsided, maybe you even get a good nights sleep a few times a week or more. Your comfort zone feels safe but lonely. You stop seeking others in pain as want to forget it and not keep reliving it. There is a real glimmer of future for you.

  • Emerging

    You are actively wanting to pop your head out of the comfort zone, experience more, you have a feeling of hunger in your soul, the abuse has been a catalyst to wanting so much more out of life. Recognising your own toxic behaviours and wanting to be better person is where you are at. You can forgive. Yourself especially. And the personal growth journey is strong.

    And the freedom was the thing that scared me the most I didn’t know what to do with it. I didn’t know how to live my life without somebody else telling me what I should be thinking for you to do it. I just didn’t, It is something I’ve never done as an adult, I’ve never done it.

  • Winning!

    Congratulations! You’re fully functioning as YOU. You have found your purpose and you’re living from your heart. You understand what it means to have unconditional love and you’re strong on the forgiveness of yourself and others. Fully responsible for your own emotions and physical environment, you’ve probably delved into some woo-woo stuff you didn’t think mattered. Finally you are feeling powerful because you are now in full control of your existence. No longer seeking external validation, realising it all comes from you. Self love is your priority.

    I know that I’m truly free

Therapy can be incredible helpful in moving you through these stages.  It’s tough going it alone.  And often there are very real physical changes that make it harder.  It’s not just all in your head.  It never was.  It was always mind, body and soul.  Here’s to you for getting this far, my guess is you’re at stage three already or you wouldn’t have read this far.  You’ve got this.  And I’m here to support you every step of the way.

The post 9 Stages of Recovery from Narcissistic Abuse appeared first on The Nurturing Coach.

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10 Lessons Learned From 10 Years In Narcissistic Abuse Recovery

10 Lessons Learned From 10 Years In Narcissistic Abuse Recovery

 

Today is an exciting day for Thriving!

Because I am sharing with you my compendium of the ten top lessons that I have learned over the last ten years in narcissistic abuse recovery.

You may already know and embody these lessons – or you may not have started yet.

Either way, if you start working with and aligning with these lessons, not only will you achieve recovery from narcissistic abuse in ways and time frames that will stun you…

You will also open yourself up to receive the life of your dreams.

Truly… These changes will infiltrate your life in incredible ways.

 

 

Video Transcript

I’m so excited about today’s Thriver TV Episode, because in it I get to share with you the ten most important lessons that I have ever learned for narcissistic abuse recovery.

These are important lessons.

They are vital lessons.

They saved my life.

They allowed me to heal from the unhealable and Thrive. Also, they have set the basis for thousands of other people, just like you, to do the same.

And I can’t wait to share them with you.

But before I do…

Thank you if you have subscribed to my channel, I am so grateful for you supporting the Thriver Mission. And if you haven’t yet subscribed, I want to remind you to please do.

If you like this video, make sure to give it a thumbs up!

Okay, let’s get started.

 

Lesson #1 – It Is Impossible to Think Your Way Out of Trauma

You need to know this more than anything – thinking, talking, researching and filling your brain with more information does not stop obsessive thinking.

Obsessive thinking is a by-product of being traumatised. And the more you try to think your way OUT of it, the more traumatised you become. This is because the only thinking you have access to is the thinking ABOUT it.

The brain follows the body. It is the servant of it, not the master.

I have done many Thriver TVs about Quantum Healing and why it is the true way to heal for real, but suffice to say here, if you think ‘more thinking and information’ helps you, you are heading more deeply into Wrong Town.

There is another way – a true way to heal. This ‘true’ way is at the level of the body, working on your nervous, somatic and emotional systems at their core, where the trauma that is affecting your entire life is stored.

I want you to understand this: when the trauma is healed at its core there is NO trauma left for you to manage with thinking.

Both the body and the mind will completely calm down, creating space for relief, calm, power and new directions.

 

Lesson #2 – If You Remain Victimised, More Victimisation Comes

This lesson, at the start of recovery, is a tough one to accept but is so necessary.

Initially, I was totally a victim. I hadn’t realised that I needed to heal me. I completely blamed him and I thought my life was beyond repair. I thought I was finished.

In this state, and whilst going on abuse forums and communicating with other people about how bad narcissists are, I was denying my own love and healing back to wholeness.

When I stopped banging on about narcissists and made MY healing my greatest priority, I found many unhealed parts of myself. Aspects of myself that not only had allowed me to unconsciously accept him into my life, but had not allowed me to leave and look after me.

Healing those parts of me was what took all the abuse symptoms, fears and traumas away.

All the painful things that would have been my lifelong legacy, if I remained a victim.

I healed and evolved beyond them all!

 

Lesson #3 – Once the Trauma Is Inside You It Is Yours to Be Responsible For

This lesson is intertwined with Lesson #2, and like Lesson #2 can be challenging to accept initially.

It is this… As an adult, there is no-one coming to save you.

The people who have hurt you are not going to fix what they did, and no outside force is going to magically take the pain away.

Any external relief will be fleeting and temporary.

This means regardless of how the trauma got there, who put it there, and even what it is, the only way true recovery can happen is if you meet your Inner Being and start releasing your trauma.

When I finally GOT this, I realised how liberating it was to stop waiting for anything else and I just got down to the real mission that was my life – tending to the healing of my inner self, which is where my entire life unfolds from.

That changed everything. The pain went, and real life began.

I realised how disempowering it had been, trying to make other people provide me with self-soothing, love, approval, security and survival. I finally knew I had the power to generate these things within me!

 

Lesson #4 – It Was All Meant to Be

The more awakened we become, the more we come to this realisation: ‘I understand now why that happened.’

This understanding comes very quickly once we start healing from the inside out.

Virtually every time I accessed ‘what hurts’ in my dedicated Inner Thriver Recovery, I found a trauma and a false belief that came from my past.

The ‘ahhas’ came thick and fast, allowing me to know that the narcissist was the ‘messenger of my wounds.’

He represented the delivery of exactly the parts of myself that were still unhealed. The ways that I was hard on myself; the ways I didn’t self-partner. He brought to light my greatest terrors to do with love, safety, security and survival.

In my relationship with him, I got to see how I would dismiss myself and my health in order to not be abandoned by him. I realised how my previous abandonment wounds had led to me drastically abandoning myself.

Once I had healed these parts within, I become the happiest, healthiest version of myself that I could ever imagine. I was finally self-partnered, whole, solid and safe in my own body and in my life.

 

Lesson #5 – The Value of Your Soul is Everything

Before Thriver Recovery my identity’s value was NOT about my soul.

It was about outer things such as the relationship I was in; how much security I had; and what I owned. And it was completely about what other people thought of me.

When myself and my life were smashed into oblivion by narcissistic abuse, all that was left was me with me. It was then, after turning inwards to save my own soul by letting go of all the trauma within, that I was reborn.

I emerged knowing the truth – that I had the ability to be whole in my own soul, regardless of what I did or didn’t have.

Once achieving this became my highest mission, things started unfolding in the most miraculous ways to grant me more wholeness.

I have seen in my own life, and now in the lives of countless others, that when your soul is your highest priority, then all else in your life comes back online. It heals and starts to flourish – even including your children.

When you value your Inner Being, which is the seat of your soul, then all of Life and Creation (Source) honours you completely, too.

 

Lesson #6 – Releasing Judgement to Be the Solution

What are people’s inner values and truth?

Have they developed from Oneness, authenticity and feeling safe and secure within their own Being? Or are they about separation, distrust, hiding out and acting to try to survive?

How many children grew up not being whole on the inside and therefore became damaged children in adult bodies?

Is there peace and love, or rage and fear driving a person’s actions that they may be deeply unconscious about?

I learned to drop judgement, pain and resentment about other damaged people, and instead concentrate on cleaning up my half of the road.

The best we can all do now is to heal our own Inner Being, knowing that this assists the healing of the whole.

The more you judge and condemn, the more it hurts you and is not a solution to the issues. It only helps hold them in place. If you are still carrying trauma, you are spreading the infection to others and you will remain a potential victim and target of it – instead of easing it.

However, by healing your own Inner Being and inspiring others to heal theirs, there is a movement away from being abused. This helps release the entire abuse pattern, for you and for your future generations.

 

Lesson #7 – We Can’t Heal Our Children if We are Unhealed

Before I understood this truth about Thriver Recovery, I desperately tried to rescue my son instead of healing myself.

The result was that he pushed back and pulled away.

My energy was damaged and toxic to be around, and I was not leading the way for him.

When I finally let go of trying to heal and control him, and took full responsibility for my own healing, he started to get well too.

Additionally, to this day, every time I do a Quanta Freedom Healing shift on myself (NARP) I have the intention that my healing is also his healing.

The results are miraculous. Where I go, he follows.

 

Lesson #8 – People Love You How You Love Yourself

I used to believe that people would love me the way I loved them.

My life was about people-pleasing and handing away my rights and power to try to make them provide me with love, approval, security and survival.

A great deal of my previous victimisation was about ‘How dare you treat me so badly after what I gave you!’

Then I woke up out of the trance and understood that what we accept is what we will get. That people mirror back the way we think about and love and treat ourselves.

You will never accept a level of love lesser than the level you love yourself.

When you heal the foundational relationship, which is the true relationship in your life, the one you have with your Inner Being, then you will have and maintain relationships with other whole healthy people.

 

Lesson #9 – Nothing Stops Until You Stop Participating

We think we are saying ‘No’ to something by pushing back on it and wrestling with it.

I was a chronic over-participator.

I would argue, defend, lecture, prescribe, try to fix, and roll around with abusers, trying to do everything to make then change so that I could have a healthy and happy life.

If you relate to this, pause this video and put your hand up to being a chronic over-participator in the comments below.

I learned that to have a healthy and happy life, I needed to STOP participating and simply state my values and truths. That I needed to pull back into them and just BE them, and only allow these values and truths into my life.

No more judgement, anger or trying to change others. Rather, my life became – that is their truth; this is my truth – and if it’s not a match that’s fine!

Then true freedom to BE me became possible.

It will for you, too.

 

Lesson #10 – There Is No Outside

This lesson is pretty Quantum – and so powerful when you work with it. It allows you to take full responsibility for your life to eternally grow and generate powerfully.

As Neale Donald Walsch said in his book Conversations With God, ‘I only send you Angels.’

I learned to accept that everyone in my experience was showing me an aspect of myself.

If they hit a trigger within, it was an unhealed part.

When narcissists co-create painful or disappointing events with you, they expose for you the evidence of a painful belief for you to heal and break free from.

And if people reflect back to you love, kindness and benevolence, these are healthy beliefs that you are starting to have about yourself, life and others.

When we use the contextual field as a tool for self-awareness and actualisation, then life has richness, depth and meaning as well as exciting growth possibilities and directions.

However, please don’t think in this self-reflection that you won’t address your outside world. You will, but in more effective ways than you ever have before.

Maybe your growth lesson is about overcoming your fear that others have power over you. What this means is that you can release yourself from that inner fear and start showing up, having difficult conversations, laying boundaries and even taking decisive action against someone when they don’t honour your expressed boundaries.

Doing this is an act of self-love.

Quantum self-actualisation is not fluffy new-age woowoo. It is about becoming the most authentic, real, empowered, effective and loving person you can be.

Okay, so I hope this video has helped.

If you are already working with the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program (NARP), you are anchoring into these truths, which come into full organic realness when you lose your inner trauma.

If you are struggling with your narcissistic abuse recovery, the embodiment of these ten lessons will grant you powerful and fast relief.

To embody and start living by these lessons, you can join me and the Thriver Tribe by clicking this link.

And if you want to see more of my videos, please subscribe so that you will be notified as soon as each new one is released. And if you liked this – click like. Also, please share with your communities so that we can help people awaken to these truths.

As always I am greatly looking forward to answering your comments and questions below.

 

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