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Oprah’s 12 Most Frequently Asked Questions on Narcissism

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Oprah’s 12 Most Frequently Asked Questions on Narcissism

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The Oprah Winfrey Network interviewed me recently for their OWN Show, which I have to admit was an amazing experience. I sat down in their studio and answered a series of questions, 12 of which are in today’s post below. I wanted to share these with you because when a spouse, partner, colleague or family member is showing narcissistic characteristics they can often go unrecognized and many times you could end up thinking there is something wrong with you… I hope this guidance and advice helps you on your journey through Rethinking Narcissism.

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The One Sign of Pathological Narcissism You’ve Never Heard Before

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The One Sign of Pathological Narcissism You’ve Never Heard Before
Narcissism seems to be born of neglect and abuse, both of which are notorious for creating an insecure attachment style (for more on attachment, see here www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/romance-redux/201211/five-ways-overcome-feelings-neediness and here www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/romance-redux/201206/are-secure-relationships-the-key-exciting-life).

But the very fact that narcissists, for all their posturing, are deeply insecure, also gives us an easy way to spot them. Insecurely attached people can’t talk coherently about their family and childhood; their early memories are confused, contradictory, and riddled with gaps. Narcissists often give themselves away precisely because their childhood story makes no sense, and the most common myth they carry around is the perfect family story. If your date sings their praises for their exalted family but the reasons for their panegyric seem vague or discursive, look out. The devil is in the details, as they say — and very likely, that’s why you’re not hearing them.

Production notes ;-): I’m living in temporary housing with my family while we get things fixed up after black mold/renovations, and it’s been challenging for lots of reasons to make videos (the fact that quiet moments have become exceedingly rare might top the list). I shot this one a few months ago but struggled to find a surface where I wasn’t looking down at my laptop. There aren’t many convenient well lit places to set up. I wasn’t happy with the angle but I’ve never found time since to reshoot, so here you go. I also experimented with just using Bluetooth mic since, despite the fact that I’ve always used a studio mic (samsung) I get occasional complaints about the audio level. Let’s see if this is better.

AMAZON: www.amazon.com/dp/0062348116/keywords=psychology%20books?tag=imprintweb-20
ITUNES/APPLE: books.apple.com/br/book/rethinking-narcissism/id929341420?l=en
BARNES & NOBLE: www.barnesandnoble.com/noresults/9780062348104
INDIEBOUND: www.indiebound.org/book/9780062348111
BOOKS-A-MILLION: www.booksamillion.com/p/Rethinking-Narcissism/Craig-Malkin/9780062348111?id=8510117162309
HARPERCOLLINS: www.harpercollins.com/products/rethinking-narcissism-dr-craig-malkin?variant=32132801200162

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How Can You Tell if You’re Being Love Bombed?

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00:00 Intro
00:20 What is love bombing?
01:35 What is healthy idealization?
03:02 Positive illusions with a narcissist
03:41 Spotting trouble
05:31 When is a relationship real?
www.drcraigmalkin.com/the-book

How Can You Tell If You’re Being Love Bombed?

The emotional experiences that drive love bombing play a crucial (and fun!) role in healthy relationships. Also known as positive illusions, these ways of seeing each and relating help build bonds. But what happens when a narcissist gets involved and takes the fun of positive illusions to an unhealthy place? Find out more as I discuss the features of healthy positive illusions and how to tell when the fun turns ominous in this video about “love bombing”.

AMAZON: www.amazon.com/dp/0062348116/keywords=psychology%20books?tag=imprintweb-20
ITUNES/APPLE: books.apple.com/br/book/rethinking-narcissism/id929341420?l=en
BARNES & NOBLE: www.barnesandnoble.com/noresults/9780062348104
INDIEBOUND: www.indiebound.org/book/9780062348111
BOOKS-A-MILLION: www.booksamillion.com/p/Rethinking-Narcissism/Craig-Malkin/9780062348111?id=8510117162309
HARPERCOLLINS: www.harpercollins.com/products/rethinking-narcissism-dr-craig-malkin?variant=32132801200162

www.drcraigmalkin.com

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How Narcissistic Relationships End – Preparing For The Aftermath

How Narcissistic Relationships End – Preparing For The Aftermath

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Ending a relationship with a narcissist can be very challenging. It is not like a normal breakup.

If you do know what can happen, what to expect and how to prepare yourself, then you will get through this process much faster and more easily.

I can’t wait to share how to deal with the inevitable smearing, cruel discard, and unrealistic entitlement by the narcissist and how to protect your emotional, spiritual and mental self and your precious children.

 

 

Video Transcript

Breaking up with a narcissist is not easy.

It’s nothing like the ending of a normal relationship.

If you don’t know what a narcissist is capable of, or what to expect, it will leave you reeling.

However, if you do know what can happen, what to expect and how to prepare yourself, then you will get through this process much faster and more easily.

That’s exactly what I want to help you achieve, by sharing this episode with you today.

If you really need this information, because you have already split up, or are in the split up process, or you know that you are heading towards it, please let me know in the comments below.

Okay, let’s get started on today’s episode!

This Person Won’t Care About You

For many of you, I know that this is a hugely difficult time during the coronavirus epidemic.

Many of you are still stuck with a narcissist even though maybe you were about to break up. Or you have broken up, even though you are still living together, or you know that you desperately need to break up.

Whichever case it is, or if you are still struggling in the aftermath of a breakup with a narcissist, I hope that this information can help you.

Let’s start off with how a narcissistic character rolls during and after breakups.

When dealing with a narcissist, even at the best of times, this person doesn’t think or operate like a normal human being. It’s not personal, they just don’t have the capacity to be any other way apart from it being all about them.

I can’t express to you enough how important it is to not get hung up on expecting decency, normality or sensibility when separating from a narcissist.

The narcissist is not concerned about your welfare, or how healthily you can move on after the relationship ends. According to the perpetual victimhood of narcissism, it’s actually you that has treated them abysmally and are to blame for everything.

The narcissist will want to punish you. He or she believes you need to suffer for what you’ve done.

None of this is based on rationale, and it’s not something that you can argue with the narcissist. Narcissistic reasoning can’t be reasoned with, all you can do is protect yourself against it.

When breaking up with the narcissist, make sure that you safeguard everything that you can. Many people have been shocked to discover money was taken out of bank accounts, furniture was removed and hidden, and personal items that were close to your heart were hijacked, never to be handed over.

I know that this is even more of a challenge during the times of this pandemic, but please think smart, and keep your cards close to your chest. Make your moves and secure your things in a way that the narcissist does not know about and be very careful who you tell and trust.

Narcissists are very good at keeping allies close to them.

The Inevitable Smearing

There will be incredible lies spread to all and sundry about the “terrible” person you are, and all the apparent bad things that you have done and are doing.

Not only will this information be fabricated, stretched or incomplete; it is likely to be a projection of what the narcissist did and is doing themselves.

I know this can sucker punch so hard that you wonder how you will ever recover from it. Yet, I really want to emphasise that this behaviour is completely normal for a narcissist. Expect it, and then it won’t be as much of a shock.

Let go of being mortified by these outrageous behaviours and actions, so that you don’t hook in trying to receive justice. If you react it is going to make matters so much worse for you.

It’s vital that you detach, keep releasing all of these intense feelings of trauma and injustice and keep as healthy and whole on the inside as you can.

This is the most powerful formula regarding being able to navigate what is necessary.

The less affected you are and the less you feed what is happening the stronger the position you’re in to get through this.

Being Discarded Cruelly

When relationships disintegrate in a narcissist’s life, he or she must change “the scene of the play” to appease and protect their ego.

This includes discrediting and devaluing you as now being unimportant and irrelevant. It also includes creating a “new script” and throwing the old one in the trash.

This means that you will be written out of his or her life as if you never existed.

I know of so many people, even after decades of being married to a narcissist, being discarded and treated with complete indifference and cruelty, and being completely shattered.

Especially after giving their heart, soul, allegiance and energy to this person for so long.

If this happens, please know as personal as it feels, it is just the way a narcissist operates.

My highest suggestion to you, rather than going through the agony of months or even years of the torturous emotions of this, is to turn inside and start healing and quickly get relief.

I promise you this works to get free of the most horrific trauma there is.

My NARP program will move you through the grief and devastation very quickly, which brings relief, as well as helping you be strong for what is coming ahead.

Unrealistic Entitlement

When a narcissist breaks up, he or she believes that they are entitled to as much as they can get their hands on.

This is no different to the narcissist’s behaviour and attitude anyway, which is completely self-absorbed.

Not only is the narcissist callous about how you will fare in the future, he or she believes (through any insane justification) that they should be getting the majority, if not all the goodies.

You will experience ridiculous settlement expectations and even barbaric solicitor-initiated demands.

Don’t try to cut a fair deal, because it just won’t be possible.

There are really only two options that you are left with, which is stand up and keep releasing the trauma that is being triggered and fight the fair fight legally, or be prepared to relinquish a great deal of what is rightly yours and walk away.

Only you know what will be right for you.

In the past I let go and relinquished and rebuilt, incredibly successfully, because I was able to take my soul, healing and freedom back.

However, with what I know now, I would have released the trauma and taken the narcissist legally through the courts.

I have seen so many wonderful and incredible results that Thrivers have achieved as a result of doing the inner work with NARP and then calmly and solidly taking legal action.

If you Google my name and the words “court”, “custody” and “settlement” you will find numerous resources on this topic to help you.

Throwing the New Supply in Your Face

This is one of the cruellest things that can happen, and it happens regularly with a narcissist, when your relationship ends with them.

He or she may make sure you discover the new love in their life, and paint a picture as if this person is so much better for them than you ever were.

To add insult to injury the narcissist will integrate with this person’s life and include them into theirs and quite possibly your children’s lives too, as if the life they had with you never existed.

Naturally, the trauma from being replaced with ‘new supply’ is devastating. It’s one of the worst things anyone can experience.

It is probable that you are experiencing so much trauma and shock that you couldn’t even think of beginning a new relationship. Unlike the narcissist who can move on in the time that it takes to boil an egg. It’s just what they do.

I promise you with all my heart that when you release and heal from these terrible inner traumatic feelings, you won’t care who the narcissist is with and you will be relieved that it’s not you.

NARP helps you get there very quickly and powerfully, and it’s a beautiful day when you reach this place! Take it from me. I went through this as well.

The Effect on Your Children

I know that so many of you are extremely concerned about the effect on your children, when breaking up with a narcissist.

This is a topic very dear to my heart, as it was a huge journey for me personally with my son Zac.

As a Mother, over the last decade plus, I have been deeply heart-connected to thousands of people abused by narcissists, regarding helping their children.

When breaking up with a narcissist this is a very difficult time for you and your relationship with your children, because of all the trauma that you’re experiencing. Additionally, the narcissist may be attempting to alienate you from your children.

At no time is it more vital to be able to heal and stay emotionally solid and strong. It may seem impossible to do so, especially when you feel such concern for your children as well.

I promise you that with intense and dedicated inner work it is possible.

I’d love to include several resources on this topic for you that are on the blog:

How to Help Your Children Who Are Affected By Narcissists

Parent’s Empowering Themselves For Their Children’s Sake

And …

What to do When You’re Alienated From Your Child

(For additional resources on this topic, all you need to do is google my name + children, and many more will come up for you.)

Dealing With the Aftershock

You may be stunned to discover that after leaving a narcissist, relief doesn’t come.

In fact, it is normal that the painful feelings and trauma will escalate and get worse before they get better.

People in your life may not understand this. They think … “Because you are away from this person, aren’t you supposed to be getting better now?”

Nothing could be further from the truth. What is more likely is that you will feel like you are having a cataclysmic breakdown.

In my article How to Leave The Narcissist With Your Emotions Intact I wrote this:

“‘Aftershock’ is a very real phenomenon after leaving a narcissist. When you are stuck in the fight with the narcissist you are in survival mode, and somehow that keeps you alive.

When you leave the narcissist, you will experience grave Complicated and/or Post Traumatic Stress Disorder symptoms. Not unlike a wartime survivor, the entire trauma has a chance to hit when you have got away.

The abuse from yesterday, last week, last month and last year now activates. You are also caught up in the intense mind-bending withdrawal of the addiction to the trauma.”

My greatest recommendation to you at this time is:

Don’t try to tend to your aftershock logically.

Our trauma comes from a much deeper, unconscious place within us that is operating below the level of the logical mind. It needs to be met at a body, somatic level, in order to be released from it.

So many people, myself included, found powerful and quick relief as a result of releasing the trauma from our cellular Inner Beings.

By removing the horrific panic, fight and flight, and all of the obsessive feelings including longing and regret, this grants an emotional platform to find a way up and out of the abuse and into our new and true life.

I promise you, just like coronavirus, this horribly stressful time CAN pass.

You will get through this, and myself and this community stand with you and for you to help you do that.

Those of you who are interested in learning more about NARP, and what Quanta Freedom Healing can do for you, I’d love you to join me in my upcoming free Masterclass which is on Wednesday the 29th of April, where you can learn the deeper Quantum Truths about healing for real, and how they have liberated thousands of people, just like you, into abuse free Thriving lives.

You can sign up to my free Masterclass by clicking this link.

I can’t wait to join with you, for profound healing there!

And as always, I look forward to answering your comments and questions below.

 

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truths about domestic violence

5 Truths About Domestic Violence And Abusive Relationships

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truths about domestic violence

 

Domestic violence and abuse are becoming an epidemic in today’s culture. It is estimated that 38,028,000 women will experience physical intimate partner violence at some point during their lives.

Men can fall victim to abusive relationships as well. According to the National Domestic Violence Hotline, 1 in 10 American men have experienced physical violence, stalking, or rape inflicted by a partner. Another 1 in 7 men will be the victims of severe physical abuse at the hand of a romantic partner.

Whether the perpetrator is male or female, studies show that abusers often share the same traits of aggression, mood swings, no self-control, severe jealousy, and high rates of suspicion.

Are you or someone you know experiencing domestic violence and abuse? Here are 5 sobering facts about abusive relationships and what you can do to help.

5 Truths About Domestic Violence

TRUTH #1. It’s More Common Than We Think

Many people have a caricatured version of who they believe to be in an abusive relationship and that the abusive is obvious. That one spouse will be constantly yelling at their partner, or that bruises or other signs of physical abuse are apparent.

Perhaps they believe people in abusive relationships are from a lower socioeconomic background. But this simply isn’t true.

One sad truth about domestic violence and abuse is that they are much more common than one might think. It happens to children, teenagers, and adults, with nearly 1.5 million high school students nationwide experiencing physical abuse from a romantic partner each and every year.

It is estimated that 11,766 American women are killed every year by their husbands or boyfriends, which is more than the war in Afghanistan and Iraq combined.

Abusive relationships are common and it’s time to shed some light on the truth.

TRUTH #2. Your Spouse Becomes Extremely Possessive and Controlling

As mentioned at the onset, jealousy is a common trait of abusive relationships. Partners seek to control their spouse to prevent them from cheating. Abusers may use the following tactics to control their spouse:

  • Isolating spouse from friends and family in fear that close associates will help the victim leave the toxic relationship.
  • Threatening self-harm if a partner says they are ending the relationship
  • Resorting to physical violence to prevent a partner from socializing
  • Forcing a partner to quit their job so that they are financially reliant on the abuser

Such behavior can be traumatizing to the victim. It is estimated that 81% of women experiencing stalking, physical violence, or rape by an intimate partner will end up being injured physically or will develop some form of post-traumatic stress disorder.

TRUTH #3. Abuse is More than Physical Violence

Physical abuse is clear to define. It occurs when one partner acts violently toward the other. Slapping, kicking, grabbing, pushing, beating, or using a weapon against a partner is clear-cut, unacceptable behavior.

But one truth about abusive relationships is that abuse hardly ends with physical violence.

Emotional abuse is a common method of control done by an abuser. Emotional abuse can take the form of insults, demeaning speech, making a partner feel crazy or stupid, bipolar mood swings, blaming a partner for poor behavior, and using religion or guilt to force a partner to stay.

Statistics show that 1 in 5 women and 1 in 71 men have been raped in their lifetime. This is a facet of an abusive relationship.

Sexual abuse is marked by any unwanted sexual advances or forced intercourse. Sexual control is another form of abuse, perhaps making a partner watch adult films or participate in sexual acts they are uncomfortable with. Refusing to allow a partner to practice safe sex or sexually humiliating or degrading a partner also fall under sexual abuse.

Domestic violence and abuse can also involve withholding food, shelter, and finances from a spouse.

TRUTH #4. Not all Abusive Relationships are Obvious

While it’s true that some abusers may be negative, controlling, uncaring people, many have positive qualities that draw victims in.

Abusers are commonly charming, loving individuals who will apologize for their bad behavior only to repeat it time and again. In some cases, the abuse may not start for some time. It may even be years. An abusive relationship may start off as loving and wonderful as the start of any normal relationship. This is what makes abusers so hard to spot.

TRUTH #5. Leaving Is Hard

Often, when one hears the intimate details of an abusive relationship they will ask “Why didn’t he/she just leave?”

The truth is, abusers, do not make it easy for their partners to leave the relationship. They have physically or mentally beaten down the victim until their self-esteem is nonexistent.

A spouse may feel they are not capable of leaving. Their abuser has told them that this is the best they will ever be able to do in life or may withhold finances, their children, or other provisions to prevent a separation from occurring.

It is also common for an abuser to enter a honeymoon phase after abuse has occurred. They may be on their best behavior for a time, apologizing to the wounded spouse and promising to change their ways.

A victim’s forgiving nature or love for their spouse may compel them to stay and help their partner.

Research indicates that a victim will attempt to leave an abusive relationship 7 times before leaving for good.

Leaving an abusive situation can be very dangerous, especially for women, with most violence and deaths occurring during an attempt to leave.

Visit the Domestic Violence Intervention Program for an extensive checklist for leaving an abusive relationship in the safest way possible.

Has your relationship turned toxic? It may be in your best interest to consider separation in marriage. Put the safety of you or your children first by getting out of an aggressive and unhealthy home. If you need help getting out of an abusive situation, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or text 1-800-787-3224

The post 5 Truths About Domestic Violence And Abusive Relationships appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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8 Questions That Help Build Emotional Intimacy In Relationships

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build emotional intimacy

 

Part of being human means having emotional needs.

We want to be loved and to give love.

We want to feel we belong and have a sense of purpose. We want to feel self-esteem and respect from others.

These are some of the most common needs, but individuals have emotional needs unique to them. In a healthy relationship, both of you understand the other’s primary emotional needs, and you both work to respond to them because you love and respect your partner.

In order to get your emotional needs met in a relationship, you should discuss those needs with your relationship partner. It’s imperative that you each know the other’s emotional needs in order to meet those needs.

Below are questions that you and your partner can use to open up a line of communication about emotional needs. What they are, whether they are being met and, if not, what needs to change.

Questions That Help Build Emotional Intimacy In Relationships

1. Am I responsive enough to your emotional needs?

We can’t expect anyone person to meet all our emotional needs, even our love partners. Sometimes we have needs that are beyond the scope of any one person to handle.

But we can ask our partners to be responsive to our needs and to honor them. There are some emotional needs your partner might be happy and willing to meet, but he or she is simply not aware of them. It’s your job to enlighten your partner.

There might be needs that they aren’t able to meet. Discuss the emotional needs you have where you’d like more from your partner. Speak honestly and specifically about what you are each willing to offer the other, and discuss alternatives for getting your needs met without your partner if necessary.

2. What should I say to you when I need more from you emotionally?

It’s hard to hear the words, “I need more from you. I need more love, more affection, more respect, and more intimacy.” We all want to feel like we’re enough, that we are appreciated and accepted for all that we do and give to our partners.

But you can’t intuit all your partner’s needs, and you might not be able to understand or relate to some of them. Even so, your partner should feel comfortable expressing those needs and asking you to respond to them. How can you make that request safe and easy for your partner?

3. Do I give you enough emotional space?

One of your emotional needs might be autonomy and freedom. Perhaps you need less emotionally than your spouse does. Needing emotional space doesn’t mean you don’t want to be intimate or close with your partner.

You can balance the need for closeness with the desire for space. Ask each other if you have enough emotional space. If not, exactly what kind of space do you need, and how can your partner support you in this need?

4. What could I do to make you feel more understood?

Even if we can’t meet all of our partner’s emotional needs, we can strive to empathize with him or her. We can listen and show we care. We can acknowledge the efforts at meeting his or her own needs (for self-esteem or independence, for example) or in reaching out to another support person to help.

We can let our partners know they aren’t in this alone, and that we acknowledge and understand their feelings and desires.

5. Do you feel free to express your emotions with me?

Some of us are more expressive with our feelings than others. We laugh and cry easily and have little difficulty saying what we feel. Others don’t feel so free to express emotion, especially painful emotions.

Or we might express our feelings in unhealthy ways, such as anger or withdrawal. In a love relationship, we need to feel safe expressing our deepest emotions, especially those that are painful or shameful.

We need to know that our loved one will treat our feelings tenderly, without judgment or criticism. Find out from your partner whether or not he or she is completely at ease with you in expressing emotions. If not, what is holding him or her back?

6. Do you have any negative emotions about our relationship you need to express?

We might hold back when expressing our emotions because we fear the reaction of our partners. Maybe they will be hurt or angry. Maybe they won’t understand. Maybe they’ll diminish how we feel.

If either of you are harboring negative emotions about the relationship, you need to discuss these and get to the root cause. When communicating negative emotions, speak kindly and constructively. When listening, set aside defensiveness. If negativity exists for one of you, it is an issue you both need to resolve.

7. What from your past has shaped your emotional needs and reactions?

So many of our emotional reactions and triggers are shaped by our childhood experiences. How you were parented and the environment in which you grew up can have a profound effect on your emotional well-being as an adult.

Your significant other can’t fully understand you and your needs until he or she knows something about how the past has shaped your outlook and behaviors. Share with each other the positive and negative events that have contributed to your particular emotional needs.

Would you consider yourself a highly sensitive person, and if so, how can I support you?

A highly sensitive person (HSP) is one who feels things more keenly than the average person. You notice more subtleties in the environment, feel overwhelmed by too much sensory input, and are easily affected by other people’s moods.

You have a rich inner life and enjoy creative pursuits. You also need time alone to recharge and get relief from too much stimulation. Highly sensitive people are extremely conscientious and try hard to please others.

If one or both of you are highly sensitive, you will need to have a special understanding of the traits of HSPs and what they need in order to feel comfortable and thrive. This is particularly true for the non-sensitive, as many of the HSP traits might seem overly sensitive or needy. However, this trait is perfectly normal and has many positive qualities. Find out how your highly sensitive partner needs your understanding and support.

8. What other ways do you have for dealing with your emotions if I feel overwhelmed by them?

When emotions run high during conflict or during times of difficulty or pain, both partners might be flooded with emotion and have little reserve to offer each other. If you are accustomed to turning to your spouse or partner for emotional support, then you need an alternative plan when you are both feeling overwhelmed.

If one of you loses a job, there’s a death in the family, or you have financial difficulties, you both might need outside support to see you through. What is your emotional back-up plan if your partner can’t handle your emotions in a particular situation?

The post 8 Questions That Help Build Emotional Intimacy In Relationships appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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